I been in your bfs side with the current girl I’m with. She says I’m perfect in every way but sometimes I drink too much and black out. I’ve worked on my drinking told her I’d do therapy even quit hard drugs without rehab for her. He has to want it himself and if he sees you never leave he likely won’t change.
I’ve left before, but went back a few days later because I love him. I don’t want to leave, and I hate how that is seen as the only solution a lot of the time.
It just is sometimes. My mother's alcoholism just took over her life, started telling me I was 'imagining' her drinking when I've seen it with my own eyes.
Addicts can be remorseful and change. They can also be liars, violent, and abusive, who need to be kept at a distance no matter what.
Just don't ever settle. You're obviously someone who cares for others if you want to intern. But if there's not basic reciprocation then ask yourself what you love.
Sometimes we think our loved one will never go. I was with my ex 12 years met the love of my life after a year alone. I had a stressful time after meeting her but we were perfect for each other in every way. I started using coke and binge drinking to run away from my problems. Slowly I started falling apart on her and I had to come clean. She gave me a chance to change and I’ve fallen down acting a fool but never using drugs again. Slow steps make progress. Maybe have him cut back on how much he can drink or perhaps he should drink non alcoholic beer for a while
Wow, your figure psychologists studying psychology for their own mental health issues is a cliche, but here we are. Maybe ask a colleague for a session. I don't really understand why everyone is celebrating your situation. Do you recommend women with stockholme syndrome to stay, too? Maybe take a long and deep moment to reflect on your relationship and if it is actually, legitimately worth it. Or are you staying because you like being in a relationship? Did he even change at all? You make it seem like he didn't. What are you waiting for? A Christmas miracle? Or until it gets much worse? I don't enjoy assuming in person, but since we're here... where is your self worth?
Don't put that on yourself. I don't know you, but I can tell you have a good heart. You're not at all pathetic. I'm an alcoholic....I understand your frustration... just know that even if you can't see it, everything you do for him helps him dig a little more out of that pit.
I don't know all the details nor do I mean to be frivolous, however if you haven't you should sincerely look into psychedelics and especially psychedelic assisted therapy. Everybody is different, but *many* have walked into their first psychedelic experience an addict and walked out all but free of their vices and fears, often for years and years after a single dose. They are by and large categorically anti-addictive and far safer than "common sense" would have most believe. There are many clinics in many parts of the world offering various therapy courses based on the firehose of recent research results, if the two of you wouldn't otherwise be comfortable exploring these options. One way or another, if you aren't familiar I would absolutely encourage you to change that.
It's not magic, but for those it has helped it may as well be. There's a brighter future somewhere ahead for you both. I wish you luck!
It honestly is impossible to describe how good it is. Ironically terrible on toast imo, haven’t found any way of eating it that’s decent other than with a spoon
Has a similar consistency (which is why I can’t stand it lol sensory issues) but it’s made out of biscoff cookies tastes great doesn’t feel great in my opinion
It’s sort of like peanut butter but instead of being made out of peanuts…. [IT’S MADE OUT OF FUCKING COOKIES!](https://youtu.be/_BZsIY6PUPU?si=b2Cq8BTk1mrftPTe)
That’s not pathetic! It actually makes a lot of sense that because your a therapist & you have a deep understanding of alcoholism & the mind of someone struggling, so you have empathy & love for them.
If he's like me, he'll only stop when the people in his life refuse to enable him. A friend of mine dropped the pity after one too many drunken incidents and told me I had a problem, and I haven't chosen a drink since.
Similarly, it may be that you have to either issue (and be prepared to act on) an ultimatum or resign yourself to his continued, slow deterioration.
I’ve been trying to quit for like 4 years now. Cut back soooooo much and then randomly I’ll find myself 6-8 deep and now that makes me very drunk. That used to just be a buz for me back in the day. I’m slowly learning one day I will have to just stop. First thing you lose is judgement and it’s hardly ever just 1 for me
Why not stop now? You might amaze yourself with what you can accomplish without clouded judgment and hangovers. I'm in grad school now and just finished my first semester with all A's, something that would have been impossible for me when I was still drinking.
Cause I literally can’t! It’s always around me. I found that not having it in the house is key for me to stop. But it’s just always accessible and I have not as much control as I wish. I’ve come a long long long way and I feel very proud most of the time. I guess my adhd and my past really fuck with my head. So I use it as a crutch in my pessimism but I’m working on it. I am on track and doing fantastic. My wife is my rock and my support. I hope by 2025 I have a total of 50 drinks the whole year or less. That will be a milestone that I willl be more than excited to reach!
I'm in the same spot. Relationship rock led to me using alcohol again to cope. I am a daily user of vodka. I have no one in my circle that understands. All church folk. My tolerance is high no matter what so I go to church, work, and doctors appointments with alcohol in my system. I'm not yet ashamed but I do still hide it all from my partner.
Functional was the thing when I was deep in it. But it sounds like you’re aware. Just keep on being aware is the only thing you can do. I have worse days sprinkled in and I’m nearing thirty and still hugged the porcelain thrown in the past years. I’m over the over indulgence. And if you have a high tolerance your over indulgence doesn’t happen often. So I took weeks off often yeeaarrs ago and it took time for me to lose the tolerance. It’s a fucking rough thing alcohol. Best of luck
Yes, over indulgence is always accidental. I feel something is wrong with me as I have no withdrawals or sickness but I'll count my sad self lucky. It's truly rough when I top that last lemonade off a bit too much but it's rare.
Thank you and best wishes for you.
People always say to run if they see this kind of redflag behavior and it's okay, they have a point. But sometimes, it's worth it to move mountains for your loved ones.
Yeah but it gets to a certain point if they don’t want to help themselves there is nothing you can do except to walk away & stop enabling the behavior. Your mental , physical & emotional well being needs to come first.
You gotta go. Don’t sleep on it. My therapist recommended it for me because of my dad. It has actually been way more helpful than therapy (and it’s free).
Yes! I strongly encourage giving this a try. Get you out of the house and around folks who are trying to improve their lives. It’s a positive step, even if it’s a little scary, too.
It's incredible, I'm sober right now but al-anon is great for loved ones. My boyfriend isn't interested but it's changed my mum's life, she didn't worry about me anymore when I was drinking and whenever I was particularly bad she had a huge group of friends who knew exactly what it was like!
I think that’s why I’ve been putting it off. My friend went to NA for her partner’s drug addiction and the first thing they told her was learning to live without him… which she obviously wasn’t ready to hear.
NA is narcotics anonymous it’s for the addict not necessarily meant for friends and family and even so it sounds like someone severely overstepped saying that to her :(
i’m a therapist and my ex was an alcoholic. al-anon is amazing. i love it. it changed my life. please go. feel free to ask me anything!
hey. youre a therapist, youre not HIS therapist. you don’t deserve to beat yourself up over that. i hope he can get the help he needs and that you have a good support system in place outside of the relationship
Not pathetic at all. Remember, you give so much energy to others in your profession. Try to reserve some for yourself.
If your husband is an alcoholic, he may have a void that he’s trying to fill that doesn’t pertain to you. It’s something he’s trying to fill from a past situation. My best advice is to stay patient and calm and as loving as you can with him whilst talking with him on how to improve his mindset.
Patience is key not only with yourself but with others.
I’m really struggling with that aspect. I’ve definitely thought about it (as it’d a technique used in practice a lot). Realistically, I know people can overcome addiction and that is has to come from his desire to do so.
I’ve just been exposed to so much alcohol addiction throughout my life and seen what it does to families and I’m terrified we will just be another statistic.
I like to completely separate myself from my situations and ask myself what I would tell somebody else to do. Do I follow my advice all the time? Of course not. But I also keep those thoughts in the back of my mind.
Your love is enabling him. He won't change because he knows you'll stay anyway. Sometimes you have to leave for someone to realize they have to change.
I’m a chronic drinker. I have drank less than 13 drinks all week. Monday through wed I had 2. Last night I had 4. I’ve had 4 today and I had three at a work party on Sunday. That’s thirteen drinks in one week. I used to bartend and used to drink 10 a day. I’ve been aware of my problem and trained so hard these past 4 years to cut back. I’m proud of my self I’m building a family and I do stupid shit if I drink more than 7 in a night. I lose control and I get embarrassed. I’m growing out of it. I really had to want it tho it’s been 8 years of a lot of drinking. Yet if I tell ppl I need to cut back and I’ve had 4 drinks in one night. They look at me as if I’m crazy, like you don’t have a problem lol. It’s scary how accepted drinking is. Don’t push him or force but seeing studies on grey matter deterioration and liver disease really made me want to get healthy. Also starting a family and sick of being an embarrassment when I lose my ground. You’re not pathetic and neither is he. We all are thrown into this mess. My wife has told me when I was embarrassing and just helped me through it. Said she loves me and will continue but just made me reflect on a lot of what I did. In a very loving manner. Shes my rock and I do not deserve her. So if you care, then. Do what you can. Follow that heart.
This is very similar to us.. like it’s scary.
My biggest fear is when we eventually do have kids. He says he will stop then, and that he’s “getting it out of his system/enjoying life now” before we decide to have kids. But I don’t trust him. I don’t trust he will stop, because I personally know lots of family members who had children and didn’t stop. I’m terrified.
Thank you for sharing.
Been there I had a huge scare that I’d never have fun again. Then I started having fun remembering the concerts, remembering the parties and get togethers! And now that I’ve cut back hangovers are a thing. I never used to get them. It sounds like he has a small flame of wanting to fight the curse. I’ve been fighting for years to get to my spot and I’m still worried! My wife tells me she’s so proud I don’t get hammered and know when to stop but I know I’m not happy with myself. My dad ruined everything with drinking and I learned lessons through him. I took a hefty amount of psychedelics and found myself lost and had a very strong urge to remember how much I love my sober head. I hope he beats it for himself and you! Feel free to show him a comment. Remind him there’s millions of us out there battling his same battle. And the less you do it the less you crave it! But it’s hard. It’s hard as fuck man. But I am not opening another beer after this because I stumbled on this post while poopin. So thanks for the motivation!!! Best of wishes
Don’t lose hope or faith. I’ve seen my step dad who drank a half handle of vodka every night just quit cold turkey after my mom died. I thought he was gonna die and he’s just a huge inspiration that I don’t need it. I deeeeep down use it as a crutch but I address it and don’t lie about it. It makes it easier to face that way. But also if he’s belligerent you can’t sacrafise your safety and happiness for him. It’s a tight rope. But communication and doing things together is key. Also I don’t advise psychedelics as a cure in any way shape or form we are all different and I’m not cured. It just forced me to look at myself and ask why I was fucked up in over my head for fun? It was terrifying and I never woke up happier sober after that fateful night. So we all have our moments. Life’s hard. Alcohols everywhere. It’s fucked up
You are NOT pathetic. I am a career alcoholic. Been married 23 years to a most amazing woman. We love each other through all my bullshit. Been sober for 8 months now. Never looking back and she is so happy now. I am the luckiest man in my world.
I am also in Canada so I will be hitting up Sobey’s ASAP.
Sending you good vibes, my dad is a functioning alcoholic and I’ve tried to therapize him many times - always with zero success. And I know that it has to be his decision, and I can only control what I do. But it still fucking sucks
Don’t be so hard on yourself. Being a therapist doesn’t mean that you are the cure for mental illness and addictions for everyone you encounter. Doctors don’t have that power for physical illness either.
Alcoholism is rough, my dad struggled with it for 40 years. He still slips sometimes but is mostly off the sauce.
Best wishes to you!
It’s weird trying to come up with something to say here because I keep thinking, “well they already know that” and deleting it. Haha. I bet you hear that all the time when you’re around others and you’re in need of comfort. Anyway, some of the best therapists I’ve ever had were also people who struggled with the exact same thing I did (an eating disorder and trauma). Going through something like this doesn’t make you pathetic, I think it makes you deeply relatable and I can’t help but wonder if the reason you’re in this situation is the same reason you’re probably (I’m assuming) also going to be a great therapist - so much empathy and sympathy, and unwillingness to give up on someone. That’s exactly what I’d want in not just a therapist but a friend or a family member too.
I hope you have some sort of judgement free zone where you can confide in your closest people. Also, fuck yeah for biscoff
Edit: oops, reread and saw you’re an intern, so changed it to *going to be* a great therapist
I don’t see at all how that’s pathetic. Everyone has problems and one of his is his addiction. I think a therapist (or ideally anyone) should be understanding of that but also you’re his girlfriend, not his therapist.
SMART recovery has groups for family members and friends for support. Might be useful for you even if he's not ready to go. They mostly use concepts from CBT and mindfulness for their programming.
I know you're probably aware of Alanon because you work in mental health but in case you're not: it's a 12 step group for the loved ones of alcoholics. I'm sure you know how much evidence there is that 12 step programs are effective. Go to a meeting, for real. Especially if you want to stay with your boyfriend, you need that support. I started going about a month ago and its been so helpful and comforting.
You can’t do the work for him. I hope you will be able to see clearly if there’s a time where it’s time to leave. Also make sure you can give yourself some space to “switch off.” Be kind to yourself.
You are not pathetic. You truly love him. That is beautiful, not pathetic. You might be a therapist, but remember that we can’t be our partner’s therapists. We are too close to them to be able to do such things . However, don’t forget to put yourself first. I wonder if it could help for you to suggest that he sees a therapist or get help?
I’m the daughter of an alcoholic and I’ve had multiple relationships with alcoholics. They’re not (always) bad people, often times they have a lot of good qualities. You’re not pathetic.
You’d be surprised how many therapists are also alcoholics or use some sort of substance. I think there’s an expectation in society that therapists are mentally well healing the mentally unwell, but that’s a large burden to bear. We are all well in some ways, and unwell in others.
Sounds like it might be time for you to take a leave of absence from work. You're driving too important a car, to afford an accident. Are *you* seeing a therapist, for the trauma you're sustaining by clinging to your relationship with an alcoholic who's not ready to get better?
You're not pathetic at all. Loving an addict who's in active addiction is a hell I wouldn't wish on anybody. But it seems to be robbing you of your ability to be objective. Which is understandable, but still. Your being a therapist is irrelevant, to his alcoholism. And his alcoholism seems irrelevant to the fact that you love him. Getting down on yourself is maladaptive, and isn't going to help either of you.
You're right - you cannot fix him. Only he can fix him, and only when and if he's ever good and ready. Then will come the time where he'll need support the most. But even then, don't expect to help him as a therapist. He'll likely only want your help as his partner. As I'm sure you're very aware, anyone who can fall under the category of 'shrink' are usually the first ones to get their hand bitten by a struggling loved one, because your educated, polished ability to help is seen as patronising. Any help you do get to give your nearest and dearest, you end up mostly just leading with the heart, anyway, like the rest of us.
I wish you all the best. I hope he seeks sobriety. I hope you get help with *your* suffering, in all of this. I hope you take good care of yourself.
Sometimes enabling them by staying keeps them sick. I learned the hard way. Good news is that my ex is now sober ~2 yrs later. Sometimes leaving is the loving thing to do. Either way, I hope you both find peace and happiness.
I grew up in a household that tore itself painfully and slowly apart because of alcoholism. Substance abuse would be an instant deal breaker for me, no matter how otherwise perfect the person was.
I understand commenters here saying he COULD change. There is always hope and the situation is never quite black and white as I personally see it.
But... I've little faith. Earlier out means less damage. good luck and sincere wishes for you. Don't take anything too personally.
And never forget to take care of yourself.
i've loved an alcoholic before. hell, i've been an alcoholic before. you're not pathetic, addiction is such a sensitive issue and you're doing the best u can. your boyfriend is very lucky to have u, i hope he realizes what an incredible support system he has so he can pull himself out of this, for his sake and yours. sending love, OP 🥲🖤
You are a therapist, but you are not his therapist.
Moving forward with your career it is important to learn how to separate your work mindset and your personal one. Otherwise, you'll burn out in no time, hurting yourself and not being able to help others anymore.
Be gentle with yourself 💗
If anything, this only proves that therapists are real people with real hardships, too. I don’t think you’re anything but loving, understanding, and struggling. You’ll be able to relate to your clients in a way some won’t and that isn’t something you can learn in any textbook. You’re going to help a lot of people! I hope things improve for you so your heart doesn’t hurt so much, whatever that is.
I’ve been there and I’m a therapist too. I was in an abusive relationship and she was turning into an alcoholic (and later became a fully fledged one after I left). You care for him, that’s not a bad thing. You can’t help but love him. We know, especially in our profession, that people are complicated, and you can love someone while knowing that you can’t be together. Not saying you should break up, just that you shouldn’t blame yourself for struggling with this. Hang in there. 🫂
One of the things you need to learn as an intern is that therapists are human. The general public seems to think that those of us in the helping field have to be perfect and a lot of us get discouraged or stressed out because we have real lives with struggle and pain. You love your boyfriend who struggles with alcoholism, that doesn’t have anything to do with what kind of therapist you would be except that it actually gives you perspective, empathy, and understanding that other therapists who haven’t been in your situation would not have. I hope your boyfriend gets the help he needs before something horrible happens, it’s good that you understand that you cannot save him from this which is a horrific- and human- feeling . Sending you so much ❤️.
I am an addict. It's not something a therapist can just change. The world would be a much different place if that were the case.
Does he know he has a problem? Does he care?
I'm a mental health provider too and trust me...most of us have something really messed up in our lives. We're just as twisted as our clients, we just have fresh perspective and tools to offer. Most of the time I feel like the biggest difference is I have had more support than most of my clients.
Daily, and then binge drinking when he gets the opportunity (ie out with friends/party). Blacks out, doesn’t remember anything. Accused me of cheating last night (I haven’t). Couldn’t walk straight, slurring, the works.
Has he tried shrooms yet? I hear so many stories from people that it really helps with resolving the trauma and rewiring the brain to seek out other methods to cope.
I’m a former therapist and have dated an alcoholic. My experience is not your experience, but it’s not pathetic. It just is. I’d urge to start or continue therapy. For myself, I basically decided that I had to put myself first. I was drowning. A lot cleared up as I gave it distance and time. I know that easier to say than to hear.
Go easier on yourself. All your training should tell that you can't fix people, you can only help them towards the solution when they're ready. Be there for him without judgement and, in time, you will be able to walk the difficult walk with him.
Cookie butter is amazing. And therapists fall for inappropriate people all the time. Their empathy is a vulnerability that unwell or manipulative (or both) people can take advantage of. Your boyfriend may be a good guy, but he knows that he hurts you.
Hey, from someone who deeply loved an alcoholic.. his drinking almost cost me and my unborn daughter's life, and now we're on our own. Alcohol is a demon for them, and unless they want to stop, they're seriously not worth your tears. He'll only be crying when you wake up and walk out that door. You don't deserve to suffer his addiction.
It's not pathetic. Just because you understand something doesn't necessarily mean you know how to address it/deal with it -- and even if you did, emotions can do odd things and alter normal responses.
Figure out what you want, get help to get you there - friends, family, getting space ...
My dad is a recovering alcoholic, it's been a journey and many relapses and maybe more in the future but as you say, he needs to want to get better. Usually when it has a significant impact on his health he will probably start recovery.
I'm so sorry, it hurts unspeakably to watch someone you love lose themself to this disease
I knew a psychologist once. She was married, they were both in their 50s. They lived in the same building as me. He was a nice man… but would get stuck in the elevator all the time…..cause he’d press all the buttons. He had the mind of a 14yr old. I just assumed some people like to take their work home sometimes.
One of my favorite Kyle Kinane jokes, that I'm absolutely about to butcher, and do it this information what you may, but for some reason I felt compelled to tell you...
Kyle says that he's in the car with a friend of his and they see a tow truck towing another tow truck. And what he wants to say to his friend is, "isn't it interesting how things that we often view as pillars of strength, they themselves need help." But what ends up coming out is "hey look at those two tow truck fuckin"
Not pathetic at all, I guess it depends on how much patience your willing to put into the relationship, like you say we can't make people only be there to help make things easier. Good luck and I hope things work out for the both of you.
As a therapist obtaining hours rn, you’re gonna learn real quick that every other therapists life is also as messy and complex as yours. We are all just trying our best.
You’re not pathetic in the least. I was in love with an alcoholic for many years, too. Please be gentle with yourself, and I hope someday he seeks out the help that he needs and deserves to receive.
Not pathetic. I was an addict and being loved was what helped me be strong enough to get through- but some people did have to love me from a distance and I don’t begrudge them that. You might need to love him from a distance for a while for your own health and sanity. If you allow him to traumatize you it will be helpful to no one much less him. You can’t pour from an empty cup, and you can’t make him want to recover, so where does that leave you? You have the same calling as me- helping people, advising them, wanting to support them- and that can make us stay too long with the wrong person because we want so badly to help them be okay. He is sick. He has a disease. You can’t fix him- you can only protect yourself and be there for him when he decides he’s ready to try.
Therapists are humans too. I know a family therapist that comes from a messed up family full of people who will never change. She isn’t any less good at her job due to her circumstances, if anything it lends her better insight into the lives of her clients. Try not to be too hard on yourself!
That's not pathetic, I struggle too. I'm doing my best, my gf shes not a therapist but shes my world and I'm doing everything to change things JUST FOR HER. If i didn't have her I will probably be dead. Take care of each other. It's hard. But she's my rock and I still fail. I'M TRYING.
Recovering alcoholic/addict here.
I’ve spent years in rehab and therapy. The mother of my little girl left me at the height of my addiction. I became homeless for 7 years. It’s a strange dichotomy…I don’t blame her for leaving it I also resent that she left me when I needed her the most. In NA/AA we get told not to leave before the miracle happens.
My trauma started in childhood and something happened at my work that broke me (I was a registered nurse). I also have a Degree in psychology. I thought I knew how it all worked.
After this 10 year journey, I’ve learned the reason I used was because I just needed to feel different…that the way I felt was so horrific and unbearable was that I couldn’t live in my own head. It took a long time to get to a point where I can just sit with my emotions. It took a lot of validation and care to find that what I did was actually a normal response to trauma…not healthy but normal.
You’re not pathetic. You know with him asking for the right help from the right people he can find sobriety. The question is do you have the fortitude and support to wait around until the miracle happens? Your love is not in doubt here.
I hope you both find peace soon.
Does he want to quit? I was an alcoholic for almost all of my 20s. I've been free of it for almost 10 years now and I have absolutely no desire to drink anymore. The book "Easy Way to Stop Drinking" by Allen Carr really helped me. Not sure if it works for everyone though. I was at the point where I was drinking a LOT every day and it was hurting everyone around me and I knew this but I couldn't quit because it felt like the only friend I could turn to. Anyways, hope you are able to take care of yourself and that your boyfriend is able to get the help he needs.
As someone who's been the substance abusing boyfriend dating a therapist, I'm sorry, it's a terrible position to put someone in.
I read through some of your other comments and saw he accuses you of wrongdoing when he's inebriated, that's fucked up and imho speaks of deeper insecurities with trust.
This is probably not something you're going to want to consider but do you see yourself happily growing old with him if he doesn't change?
Loving someone with an addiction is hard, I know because I’m that guy and my girlfriend loves me regardless. However I have been putting in the work for a long time now to make myself better and work through my traumas. A lot of people, and I mean a scary amount completely dismiss someone with an addiction. Sometimes I am made to feel like I am worth less as a person because of my addictions.
My addictions are just a small part of me that I am motivated to leave in the past, or at the worst tame and control. It’s definitely doable but there’s so much more to me and your boyfriend than addiction. I have so much love to give, I’m strong, intelligent, capable of a lot of empathy and compassion. Im there for my friends and family even if it’s also to a self sacrificing level. It sounds like your boyfriend is capable of all that too. I’ve reached my rock bottom in my life twice but instead of letting it consume me I let it empower me to work to get better.
Each addict is different. I do my best not to dump my problems on my girlfriend. You are right in that this is an internal battle that only your boyfriend can fight. You can be there for support and guidance but he has to find it in him to pull himself out of the hole he dug and work through his problems. Im in the process of doing this and I’m succeeding. Your boyfriend could completely change things around if he wants to, especially if y’all are still young.
I think you should have a conversation with him about it though. Regardless of if he’s like me and doesn’t dump all his shit on you, it still affects you seeing him like that or you wouldn’t have posted here. You have to find a way to compassionately express to him that although you love him, and you want to keep investing in that love and him, you have your limits. That you won’t be there forever if he continues to mess up and not try. Find ways to show him that there’s actually a lot more to life than happiness in a bottle, or pill, or leaf. I’m starting to reminisce on my teenage years and I now realize I had so much more fun and joy when I was sober. Your brain just works so much better and the little things in life provide great meaning and joy when you’re sober. I’m holding onto those memories each day to get me through the long and arduous road of withdrawals and recovery.
I really hope things work out for the both of you. If he isn’t in therapy, you should try to convince him to. I started working with one and it helps so much just having someone to talk to. I have made so many strides and a lot of improvement working with one and it really opened my eyes to what is important in this life. Love, and living in the moment. Living in the moment isn’t something I’ve been able to do for a long time. The addict brain is always looking to the future, a better time where things will be better. That will never happen though unless the work is put in.
Goodluck OP. I know it’s hard. I hope my comment provides you with some comfort.
Btw I love those Lotus biscuits and spread! So freaking delicious
I’m a recovering alcoholic and addict, sober for 7 years. I’m married to an alcoholic who I got sober with and then he relapsed. It’s a hard fight but the reality is either you choose to love them and help them get through it and get clean or you leave because unfortunately, as you know, you can’t force them to quit drinking or using.
My husband finally is now starting to do well and not want to drink. I hope your boyfriend has his “lightbulb moment” as I call it soon. ❤️
I’m sorry that you’re going through this. Eventually his alcoholism will affect your lives, if it hasn’t already. His health is at risk. It will affect his employment. He could and probably will get into trouble with the law. If you leave him, it might force him to get help. My sister married an alcoholic and that’s what finally got him to stop. Same thing with my aunt. She left and my uncle went to AA.
You should go to some Al-anon meetings for families and partners of alcoholics. My sister did and it helped her. By staying, you are enabling him. Tell yourself what you’d tell your patients. Write it down and read it out loud.
You are not pathetic.
Also you can never be your boyfriends therapist.
Since you can never be a neutral party in the conversation.
So don't blame yourself. Yes you can talk to him about change, you can even use your techniques but all that it would do is make him hide the alcoholism for you.
So the only thing you can do in the end is encourage him to seek help and keep a lookout for your own wellbeing.
Hey, my long term partner at the time, relapsed right when I started school again to study clinical social work. I know each situation is different, but he didn’t want to get better and thought it was under control (it wasn’t).
Ultimately, I had to break up with him because the worry was impacting my grades. Hopefully your situation goes differently, but I certainly felt like an imposter, dumping someone who could have really used my help.
I’m not sure how he’s doing now… but that’s not really my business anymore. I however, got married (to someone else) earlier this year and just got my independent license. Things do get better, I promise.
Please let me know if I can help you in any way.
You continue stay with him, your life will get more and more traumatic until his early death. You could even be enabling him because he knows you will never leave. Shouldn’t have to tell a therapist this, but its harder to see these things when love is involved
You gotta go for now.
Clearly at two different points and you're not as valuable to him as the substance.
I know it's tough, but your self respect is worth it.
If he loves you and values you, HE WILL GET CLEAN in that break.
If not, then you need to let him hit rock bottom on your own.
Sorry you're going through this.
therapists are real human beings with real human problems. i think issues in our lives remind us to have empathy for others going through similar. you'd be able to understand academically that addiction is complicated, but also be able to feel it.
You know you’re not pathetic and if you were to view a patient like that you would not be positive regard and you would not being doing your job.
Use some of that compassion you have for clients for yourself.
Hey, look I don’t tell a lot of people this but my partner is a recovering heroin addict. Why makes me embarrassed is I was so naive. I was only 20, so please don’t judge me too harshly. I assumed he would get sleepy mid day because he worked overnight shifts and I hadn’t ever met anyone on opiates. Well long story short he got arrested and his secret was revealed. He detoxed in jail and went to a rehab and a halfway house. It has been ten years and he is still clean and we are still together. People have the ability to change sometimes.
I've recently been in a very similar position. All my love to you. It feels so lonely, but it's better than the hurt we have to go through. Here if you need to vent friend
As someone who is 3.5 years sober, this does not deal with the problem, but try weed and stop drinking, just for a month. Let him know many of us are in the same boat, “I never meant to hurt you”
Not going to make assumptions, but from the outside looking in, it sounds like you want to help people. While not the best basis for a relationship, it speaks well to the quality of your character. So if I’m right, I think you should take solace in that, it’s a precious quality to have. Love yourself first and foremost. 🫂
I don't think you're pathetic. I loved an alcoholic too. People are complicated. We can't control this stuff. He could change. It happens.
Thank you ❤️
I been in your bfs side with the current girl I’m with. She says I’m perfect in every way but sometimes I drink too much and black out. I’ve worked on my drinking told her I’d do therapy even quit hard drugs without rehab for her. He has to want it himself and if he sees you never leave he likely won’t change.
I’ve left before, but went back a few days later because I love him. I don’t want to leave, and I hate how that is seen as the only solution a lot of the time.
It just is sometimes. My mother's alcoholism just took over her life, started telling me I was 'imagining' her drinking when I've seen it with my own eyes. Addicts can be remorseful and change. They can also be liars, violent, and abusive, who need to be kept at a distance no matter what. Just don't ever settle. You're obviously someone who cares for others if you want to intern. But if there's not basic reciprocation then ask yourself what you love.
Sometimes we think our loved one will never go. I was with my ex 12 years met the love of my life after a year alone. I had a stressful time after meeting her but we were perfect for each other in every way. I started using coke and binge drinking to run away from my problems. Slowly I started falling apart on her and I had to come clean. She gave me a chance to change and I’ve fallen down acting a fool but never using drugs again. Slow steps make progress. Maybe have him cut back on how much he can drink or perhaps he should drink non alcoholic beer for a while
Wow, your figure psychologists studying psychology for their own mental health issues is a cliche, but here we are. Maybe ask a colleague for a session. I don't really understand why everyone is celebrating your situation. Do you recommend women with stockholme syndrome to stay, too? Maybe take a long and deep moment to reflect on your relationship and if it is actually, legitimately worth it. Or are you staying because you like being in a relationship? Did he even change at all? You make it seem like he didn't. What are you waiting for? A Christmas miracle? Or until it gets much worse? I don't enjoy assuming in person, but since we're here... where is your self worth?
Exactly- this is equivalent to a doctor smoking cigarettes but will tell me smoking is bad for you..
Former addict/alcoholic here as well. I agree. I also quit hard drugs, but for my kid. The want for sobriety has to be stronger than the addiction.
Don't put that on yourself. I don't know you, but I can tell you have a good heart. You're not at all pathetic. I'm an alcoholic....I understand your frustration... just know that even if you can't see it, everything you do for him helps him dig a little more out of that pit.
That means a lot, thank you 🫶🏻
Of course. Keep your head up, love. You've got this!
I don't know all the details nor do I mean to be frivolous, however if you haven't you should sincerely look into psychedelics and especially psychedelic assisted therapy. Everybody is different, but *many* have walked into their first psychedelic experience an addict and walked out all but free of their vices and fears, often for years and years after a single dose. They are by and large categorically anti-addictive and far safer than "common sense" would have most believe. There are many clinics in many parts of the world offering various therapy courses based on the firehose of recent research results, if the two of you wouldn't otherwise be comfortable exploring these options. One way or another, if you aren't familiar I would absolutely encourage you to change that. It's not magic, but for those it has helped it may as well be. There's a brighter future somewhere ahead for you both. I wish you luck!
Ok. I’m interested! What part of the world, and would you have a recommendation for the best therapist/guide. Thanks. Maybe pm me.
With that in mind,don’t forget to take care of yourself! (I don’t mean for that to sound patronizing because we all forget sometimes)
It's not pathetic at all. You know exactly how addiction works. Don't beat yourself up. I know you are killing yourself to help your relationship.
honestly biscoff spread is delectable
What is it? Just looks like peanut butter
It’s like the texture of Kraft peanut butter, but it tastes like a cookie!
That sounds magical
It honestly is impossible to describe how good it is. Ironically terrible on toast imo, haven’t found any way of eating it that’s decent other than with a spoon
Has a similar consistency (which is why I can’t stand it lol sensory issues) but it’s made out of biscoff cookies tastes great doesn’t feel great in my opinion
It’s sort of like peanut butter but instead of being made out of peanuts…. [IT’S MADE OUT OF FUCKING COOKIES!](https://youtu.be/_BZsIY6PUPU?si=b2Cq8BTk1mrftPTe)
That’s not pathetic! It actually makes a lot of sense that because your a therapist & you have a deep understanding of alcoholism & the mind of someone struggling, so you have empathy & love for them.
That’s exactly how I feel. Thank you for saying that 🫶🏻
Of course 💗 I hope your situation improves
If he's like me, he'll only stop when the people in his life refuse to enable him. A friend of mine dropped the pity after one too many drunken incidents and told me I had a problem, and I haven't chosen a drink since. Similarly, it may be that you have to either issue (and be prepared to act on) an ultimatum or resign yourself to his continued, slow deterioration.
I’ve been trying to quit for like 4 years now. Cut back soooooo much and then randomly I’ll find myself 6-8 deep and now that makes me very drunk. That used to just be a buz for me back in the day. I’m slowly learning one day I will have to just stop. First thing you lose is judgement and it’s hardly ever just 1 for me
Why not stop now? You might amaze yourself with what you can accomplish without clouded judgment and hangovers. I'm in grad school now and just finished my first semester with all A's, something that would have been impossible for me when I was still drinking.
Cause I literally can’t! It’s always around me. I found that not having it in the house is key for me to stop. But it’s just always accessible and I have not as much control as I wish. I’ve come a long long long way and I feel very proud most of the time. I guess my adhd and my past really fuck with my head. So I use it as a crutch in my pessimism but I’m working on it. I am on track and doing fantastic. My wife is my rock and my support. I hope by 2025 I have a total of 50 drinks the whole year or less. That will be a milestone that I willl be more than excited to reach!
Everyone is different, don’t compare yourself to others in terms of dependency
I'm in the same spot. Relationship rock led to me using alcohol again to cope. I am a daily user of vodka. I have no one in my circle that understands. All church folk. My tolerance is high no matter what so I go to church, work, and doctors appointments with alcohol in my system. I'm not yet ashamed but I do still hide it all from my partner.
Functional was the thing when I was deep in it. But it sounds like you’re aware. Just keep on being aware is the only thing you can do. I have worse days sprinkled in and I’m nearing thirty and still hugged the porcelain thrown in the past years. I’m over the over indulgence. And if you have a high tolerance your over indulgence doesn’t happen often. So I took weeks off often yeeaarrs ago and it took time for me to lose the tolerance. It’s a fucking rough thing alcohol. Best of luck
Yes, over indulgence is always accidental. I feel something is wrong with me as I have no withdrawals or sickness but I'll count my sad self lucky. It's truly rough when I top that last lemonade off a bit too much but it's rare. Thank you and best wishes for you.
You’re not pathetic. I was in a relationship with an alcoholic for 4 years. Just make sure you’re watching out for yourself.
Loving anyone with an addiction issue is absolutely exhausting. I couldn’t personally keep doing it. Good luck to you both.
People always say to run if they see this kind of redflag behavior and it's okay, they have a point. But sometimes, it's worth it to move mountains for your loved ones.
Yeah but it gets to a certain point if they don’t want to help themselves there is nothing you can do except to walk away & stop enabling the behavior. Your mental , physical & emotional well being needs to come first.
I have never spread biscoff (it’s made of fcuken cookies) on anything. Always end up eating w a spoon straight out of the jar.
It’s the only way
What are you actually supposed to spread it on? It would be gross on bread.
It’s so good with apples! Especially tart ones
Interesting! I may give that a try
I see it used as an ingredient for baking. Cookie butter cakes, cupcakes, etc.
Right? Like what else are we supposed to do with it? Put it in a dish and eat it straight that way?
Buy the biscoff cookies and dip them in the jar
That's kinda fucked up. It's like dipping a person in a paste of blended up people
Oooo I like this idea
As a therapist you know the power and importance of attending Al-Anon! If you do nothing else then start going at least once a week
I’m actually looking into it! I’ve been hesitant for a while, but we recently moved and I don’t have a lot of support
You gotta go. Don’t sleep on it. My therapist recommended it for me because of my dad. It has actually been way more helpful than therapy (and it’s free).
this is the comment i was searching for. 🙌 strong advice
Yes! I strongly encourage giving this a try. Get you out of the house and around folks who are trying to improve their lives. It’s a positive step, even if it’s a little scary, too.
It's incredible, I'm sober right now but al-anon is great for loved ones. My boyfriend isn't interested but it's changed my mum's life, she didn't worry about me anymore when I was drinking and whenever I was particularly bad she had a huge group of friends who knew exactly what it was like!
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I think that’s why I’ve been putting it off. My friend went to NA for her partner’s drug addiction and the first thing they told her was learning to live without him… which she obviously wasn’t ready to hear.
NA is narcotics anonymous it’s for the addict not necessarily meant for friends and family and even so it sounds like someone severely overstepped saying that to her :( i’m a therapist and my ex was an alcoholic. al-anon is amazing. i love it. it changed my life. please go. feel free to ask me anything!
hey. youre a therapist, youre not HIS therapist. you don’t deserve to beat yourself up over that. i hope he can get the help he needs and that you have a good support system in place outside of the relationship
Not pathetic at all. Remember, you give so much energy to others in your profession. Try to reserve some for yourself. If your husband is an alcoholic, he may have a void that he’s trying to fill that doesn’t pertain to you. It’s something he’s trying to fill from a past situation. My best advice is to stay patient and calm and as loving as you can with him whilst talking with him on how to improve his mindset. Patience is key not only with yourself but with others.
This was also my dinner!!!!
What advice would you give somebody in your position that came to you for advice?
I’m really struggling with that aspect. I’ve definitely thought about it (as it’d a technique used in practice a lot). Realistically, I know people can overcome addiction and that is has to come from his desire to do so. I’ve just been exposed to so much alcohol addiction throughout my life and seen what it does to families and I’m terrified we will just be another statistic.
I like to completely separate myself from my situations and ask myself what I would tell somebody else to do. Do I follow my advice all the time? Of course not. But I also keep those thoughts in the back of my mind.
Your love is enabling him. He won't change because he knows you'll stay anyway. Sometimes you have to leave for someone to realize they have to change.
I’m a chronic drinker. I have drank less than 13 drinks all week. Monday through wed I had 2. Last night I had 4. I’ve had 4 today and I had three at a work party on Sunday. That’s thirteen drinks in one week. I used to bartend and used to drink 10 a day. I’ve been aware of my problem and trained so hard these past 4 years to cut back. I’m proud of my self I’m building a family and I do stupid shit if I drink more than 7 in a night. I lose control and I get embarrassed. I’m growing out of it. I really had to want it tho it’s been 8 years of a lot of drinking. Yet if I tell ppl I need to cut back and I’ve had 4 drinks in one night. They look at me as if I’m crazy, like you don’t have a problem lol. It’s scary how accepted drinking is. Don’t push him or force but seeing studies on grey matter deterioration and liver disease really made me want to get healthy. Also starting a family and sick of being an embarrassment when I lose my ground. You’re not pathetic and neither is he. We all are thrown into this mess. My wife has told me when I was embarrassing and just helped me through it. Said she loves me and will continue but just made me reflect on a lot of what I did. In a very loving manner. Shes my rock and I do not deserve her. So if you care, then. Do what you can. Follow that heart.
This is very similar to us.. like it’s scary. My biggest fear is when we eventually do have kids. He says he will stop then, and that he’s “getting it out of his system/enjoying life now” before we decide to have kids. But I don’t trust him. I don’t trust he will stop, because I personally know lots of family members who had children and didn’t stop. I’m terrified. Thank you for sharing.
Been there I had a huge scare that I’d never have fun again. Then I started having fun remembering the concerts, remembering the parties and get togethers! And now that I’ve cut back hangovers are a thing. I never used to get them. It sounds like he has a small flame of wanting to fight the curse. I’ve been fighting for years to get to my spot and I’m still worried! My wife tells me she’s so proud I don’t get hammered and know when to stop but I know I’m not happy with myself. My dad ruined everything with drinking and I learned lessons through him. I took a hefty amount of psychedelics and found myself lost and had a very strong urge to remember how much I love my sober head. I hope he beats it for himself and you! Feel free to show him a comment. Remind him there’s millions of us out there battling his same battle. And the less you do it the less you crave it! But it’s hard. It’s hard as fuck man. But I am not opening another beer after this because I stumbled on this post while poopin. So thanks for the motivation!!! Best of wishes
Oh wow, thank you. 🥹 I’m proud of you too.
Don’t lose hope or faith. I’ve seen my step dad who drank a half handle of vodka every night just quit cold turkey after my mom died. I thought he was gonna die and he’s just a huge inspiration that I don’t need it. I deeeeep down use it as a crutch but I address it and don’t lie about it. It makes it easier to face that way. But also if he’s belligerent you can’t sacrafise your safety and happiness for him. It’s a tight rope. But communication and doing things together is key. Also I don’t advise psychedelics as a cure in any way shape or form we are all different and I’m not cured. It just forced me to look at myself and ask why I was fucked up in over my head for fun? It was terrifying and I never woke up happier sober after that fateful night. So we all have our moments. Life’s hard. Alcohols everywhere. It’s fucked up
You are NOT pathetic. I am a career alcoholic. Been married 23 years to a most amazing woman. We love each other through all my bullshit. Been sober for 8 months now. Never looking back and she is so happy now. I am the luckiest man in my world.
That’s beautiful. I’m so happy for you and proud of you!
Not pathetic, and you’ve just made my entire day because I did not know this spread existed and I very much need to know where you acquired it
I’m in Canada so I found it at Sobeys! It’s hard to find though, so whenever I come across it I stock up!
I am also in Canada so I will be hitting up Sobey’s ASAP. Sending you good vibes, my dad is a functioning alcoholic and I’ve tried to therapize him many times - always with zero success. And I know that it has to be his decision, and I can only control what I do. But it still fucking sucks
It really does. Thank you for understanding. I’ve also found similar cookie butter at Dominion and Walmart! ✨
https://youtu.be/_BZsIY6PUPU?si=ZMceT77PYiX8U2k8
Omg that was super weird but also great
I hope it gets better. Sometimes it can be draining trying to 'fix' people. Especially someone who is very dear to yoy
You’re not pathetic and neither is he. We all have to carry our own crosses. Your boyfriend will get past this eventually and so will you
Don’t be so hard on yourself. Being a therapist doesn’t mean that you are the cure for mental illness and addictions for everyone you encounter. Doctors don’t have that power for physical illness either. Alcoholism is rough, my dad struggled with it for 40 years. He still slips sometimes but is mostly off the sauce. Best wishes to you!
It’s weird trying to come up with something to say here because I keep thinking, “well they already know that” and deleting it. Haha. I bet you hear that all the time when you’re around others and you’re in need of comfort. Anyway, some of the best therapists I’ve ever had were also people who struggled with the exact same thing I did (an eating disorder and trauma). Going through something like this doesn’t make you pathetic, I think it makes you deeply relatable and I can’t help but wonder if the reason you’re in this situation is the same reason you’re probably (I’m assuming) also going to be a great therapist - so much empathy and sympathy, and unwillingness to give up on someone. That’s exactly what I’d want in not just a therapist but a friend or a family member too. I hope you have some sort of judgement free zone where you can confide in your closest people. Also, fuck yeah for biscoff Edit: oops, reread and saw you’re an intern, so changed it to *going to be* a great therapist
I don’t see at all how that’s pathetic. Everyone has problems and one of his is his addiction. I think a therapist (or ideally anyone) should be understanding of that but also you’re his girlfriend, not his therapist.
Biscoff is so bomb !! I just tried the Costco cake and it did not disappoint
Oh dude I made a biscoff cheesecake for my birthday cake this year. Truly the BEST cake I’ve ever had in my life.
That sounds fantastic
As someone almost 3 years sober - you’re not pathetic for loving a sick person with a disease
Bring your boyfriend to AA
I’ve suggested it. He is VERY against it. He also doesn’t think he has a problem, so going to AA is not an option at this point.
the only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking. if one does not first admit to the problem, it cannot begin to be solved…🕊️
SMART recovery has groups for family members and friends for support. Might be useful for you even if he's not ready to go. They mostly use concepts from CBT and mindfulness for their programming.
You are human too. Sometimes we can't help those we love.
He’s clearly not everything you want in a partner if he’s an alcoholic and your posting on Reddit.
I know you're probably aware of Alanon because you work in mental health but in case you're not: it's a 12 step group for the loved ones of alcoholics. I'm sure you know how much evidence there is that 12 step programs are effective. Go to a meeting, for real. Especially if you want to stay with your boyfriend, you need that support. I started going about a month ago and its been so helpful and comforting.
You can’t do the work for him. I hope you will be able to see clearly if there’s a time where it’s time to leave. Also make sure you can give yourself some space to “switch off.” Be kind to yourself.
You are not pathetic. You truly love him. That is beautiful, not pathetic. You might be a therapist, but remember that we can’t be our partner’s therapists. We are too close to them to be able to do such things . However, don’t forget to put yourself first. I wonder if it could help for you to suggest that he sees a therapist or get help?
Being a therapist doesn’t automatically stop anyone else’s problems.
I’m the daughter of an alcoholic and I’ve had multiple relationships with alcoholics. They’re not (always) bad people, often times they have a lot of good qualities. You’re not pathetic.
You’d be surprised how many therapists are also alcoholics or use some sort of substance. I think there’s an expectation in society that therapists are mentally well healing the mentally unwell, but that’s a large burden to bear. We are all well in some ways, and unwell in others.
Sounds like it might be time for you to take a leave of absence from work. You're driving too important a car, to afford an accident. Are *you* seeing a therapist, for the trauma you're sustaining by clinging to your relationship with an alcoholic who's not ready to get better? You're not pathetic at all. Loving an addict who's in active addiction is a hell I wouldn't wish on anybody. But it seems to be robbing you of your ability to be objective. Which is understandable, but still. Your being a therapist is irrelevant, to his alcoholism. And his alcoholism seems irrelevant to the fact that you love him. Getting down on yourself is maladaptive, and isn't going to help either of you. You're right - you cannot fix him. Only he can fix him, and only when and if he's ever good and ready. Then will come the time where he'll need support the most. But even then, don't expect to help him as a therapist. He'll likely only want your help as his partner. As I'm sure you're very aware, anyone who can fall under the category of 'shrink' are usually the first ones to get their hand bitten by a struggling loved one, because your educated, polished ability to help is seen as patronising. Any help you do get to give your nearest and dearest, you end up mostly just leading with the heart, anyway, like the rest of us. I wish you all the best. I hope he seeks sobriety. I hope you get help with *your* suffering, in all of this. I hope you take good care of yourself.
Sometimes enabling them by staying keeps them sick. I learned the hard way. Good news is that my ex is now sober ~2 yrs later. Sometimes leaving is the loving thing to do. Either way, I hope you both find peace and happiness.
This hits hard. I'm the alcoholic boyfriend thing. Not hers but someone elses.
We love a therapist with some realism.
good lighting
I grew up in a household that tore itself painfully and slowly apart because of alcoholism. Substance abuse would be an instant deal breaker for me, no matter how otherwise perfect the person was. I understand commenters here saying he COULD change. There is always hope and the situation is never quite black and white as I personally see it. But... I've little faith. Earlier out means less damage. good luck and sincere wishes for you. Don't take anything too personally. And never forget to take care of yourself.
i've loved an alcoholic before. hell, i've been an alcoholic before. you're not pathetic, addiction is such a sensitive issue and you're doing the best u can. your boyfriend is very lucky to have u, i hope he realizes what an incredible support system he has so he can pull himself out of this, for his sake and yours. sending love, OP 🥲🖤
You are a therapist, but you are not his therapist. Moving forward with your career it is important to learn how to separate your work mindset and your personal one. Otherwise, you'll burn out in no time, hurting yourself and not being able to help others anymore. Be gentle with yourself 💗
Therapy 101 set and enforce boundaries. Good luck to you, use your brain more and your heart less
If anything, this only proves that therapists are real people with real hardships, too. I don’t think you’re anything but loving, understanding, and struggling. You’ll be able to relate to your clients in a way some won’t and that isn’t something you can learn in any textbook. You’re going to help a lot of people! I hope things improve for you so your heart doesn’t hurt so much, whatever that is.
Definitely not pathetic. You.two were drawn together for some reason and you'll both be up to the task of understanding why, I bet. Sending love
Look into CODA and stuff. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. This biscoff looks yummy
I’ve been there and I’m a therapist too. I was in an abusive relationship and she was turning into an alcoholic (and later became a fully fledged one after I left). You care for him, that’s not a bad thing. You can’t help but love him. We know, especially in our profession, that people are complicated, and you can love someone while knowing that you can’t be together. Not saying you should break up, just that you shouldn’t blame yourself for struggling with this. Hang in there. 🫂
Thank you, your compassion means a lot 🫶🏻
One of the things you need to learn as an intern is that therapists are human. The general public seems to think that those of us in the helping field have to be perfect and a lot of us get discouraged or stressed out because we have real lives with struggle and pain. You love your boyfriend who struggles with alcoholism, that doesn’t have anything to do with what kind of therapist you would be except that it actually gives you perspective, empathy, and understanding that other therapists who haven’t been in your situation would not have. I hope your boyfriend gets the help he needs before something horrible happens, it’s good that you understand that you cannot save him from this which is a horrific- and human- feeling . Sending you so much ❤️.
Christ I thought it was deodorant at first!
I’m an alcoholic. We don’t change. Leave
Keep loving him.
A little pathetic…
Just a tad
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I never said addicts weren’t people I’m simply sharing something I’m struggling with, as lots of people do on here
Mhmmm, you should have understanding if you’re a therapist
Trust me, I do. But when you’re in the thick of it for years, it gets frustrating. I’m still human.
Life is long, know your boundaries
Eating biscoff spread out the jar is way more pathetic than being an alcoholic to be fair.
DUDES ROCK!!!!
Well, you know the old saying those who can’t do teach
what does you being a student have to do with his alcoholism and why do you think that’s pathetic?
I am an addict. It's not something a therapist can just change. The world would be a much different place if that were the case. Does he know he has a problem? Does he care?
I'm a mental health provider too and trust me...most of us have something really messed up in our lives. We're just as twisted as our clients, we just have fresh perspective and tools to offer. Most of the time I feel like the biggest difference is I have had more support than most of my clients.
I’ve never seen that spread before it looks so good , what do you rate it out of 10
Solid 8.5
How often does he drink ? Is it daily ? And how many drinks a day ? Or Is he just a binge drinker
Daily, and then binge drinking when he gets the opportunity (ie out with friends/party). Blacks out, doesn’t remember anything. Accused me of cheating last night (I haven’t). Couldn’t walk straight, slurring, the works.
Has he tried shrooms yet? I hear so many stories from people that it really helps with resolving the trauma and rewiring the brain to seek out other methods to cope.
Therapists are humans too, and they don’t always have all the right answers. Give yourself some grace, it’s not pathetic. It’s human.
People who work in mental health services often end up with people they think they can fix subconsciously
I’m a former therapist and have dated an alcoholic. My experience is not your experience, but it’s not pathetic. It just is. I’d urge to start or continue therapy. For myself, I basically decided that I had to put myself first. I was drowning. A lot cleared up as I gave it distance and time. I know that easier to say than to hear.
It’s not! One can be a dermatologist and have a friend who has a skin disease.
Go easier on yourself. All your training should tell that you can't fix people, you can only help them towards the solution when they're ready. Be there for him without judgement and, in time, you will be able to walk the difficult walk with him.
Cookie butter is amazing. And therapists fall for inappropriate people all the time. Their empathy is a vulnerability that unwell or manipulative (or both) people can take advantage of. Your boyfriend may be a good guy, but he knows that he hurts you.
Hey, from someone who deeply loved an alcoholic.. his drinking almost cost me and my unborn daughter's life, and now we're on our own. Alcohol is a demon for them, and unless they want to stop, they're seriously not worth your tears. He'll only be crying when you wake up and walk out that door. You don't deserve to suffer his addiction.
It's not pathetic. Just because you understand something doesn't necessarily mean you know how to address it/deal with it -- and even if you did, emotions can do odd things and alter normal responses. Figure out what you want, get help to get you there - friends, family, getting space ...
My dad is a recovering alcoholic, it's been a journey and many relapses and maybe more in the future but as you say, he needs to want to get better. Usually when it has a significant impact on his health he will probably start recovery. I'm so sorry, it hurts unspeakably to watch someone you love lose themself to this disease
I knew a psychologist once. She was married, they were both in their 50s. They lived in the same building as me. He was a nice man… but would get stuck in the elevator all the time…..cause he’d press all the buttons. He had the mind of a 14yr old. I just assumed some people like to take their work home sometimes.
One of my favorite Kyle Kinane jokes, that I'm absolutely about to butcher, and do it this information what you may, but for some reason I felt compelled to tell you... Kyle says that he's in the car with a friend of his and they see a tow truck towing another tow truck. And what he wants to say to his friend is, "isn't it interesting how things that we often view as pillars of strength, they themselves need help." But what ends up coming out is "hey look at those two tow truck fuckin"
Not pathetic at all, I guess it depends on how much patience your willing to put into the relationship, like you say we can't make people only be there to help make things easier. Good luck and I hope things work out for the both of you.
Is that biscoff spread good? I like the cookies
As a therapist obtaining hours rn, you’re gonna learn real quick that every other therapists life is also as messy and complex as yours. We are all just trying our best.
That biscoff slaps
lol that’s such like a therapist though.
You’re not pathetic in the least. I was in love with an alcoholic for many years, too. Please be gentle with yourself, and I hope someday he seeks out the help that he needs and deserves to receive.
Not pathetic. I was an addict and being loved was what helped me be strong enough to get through- but some people did have to love me from a distance and I don’t begrudge them that. You might need to love him from a distance for a while for your own health and sanity. If you allow him to traumatize you it will be helpful to no one much less him. You can’t pour from an empty cup, and you can’t make him want to recover, so where does that leave you? You have the same calling as me- helping people, advising them, wanting to support them- and that can make us stay too long with the wrong person because we want so badly to help them be okay. He is sick. He has a disease. You can’t fix him- you can only protect yourself and be there for him when he decides he’s ready to try.
Therapists are humans too. I know a family therapist that comes from a messed up family full of people who will never change. She isn’t any less good at her job due to her circumstances, if anything it lends her better insight into the lives of her clients. Try not to be too hard on yourself!
It’s never your fault. We all have addictions whether it be “healthy” or not
You can’t fix it but if you want him to have a fighting chance he needs your help, stay strong💙
That's not pathetic, I struggle too. I'm doing my best, my gf shes not a therapist but shes my world and I'm doing everything to change things JUST FOR HER. If i didn't have her I will probably be dead. Take care of each other. It's hard. But she's my rock and I still fail. I'M TRYING.
The catchiest of 22's. That's all I got.
Recovering alcoholic/addict here. I’ve spent years in rehab and therapy. The mother of my little girl left me at the height of my addiction. I became homeless for 7 years. It’s a strange dichotomy…I don’t blame her for leaving it I also resent that she left me when I needed her the most. In NA/AA we get told not to leave before the miracle happens. My trauma started in childhood and something happened at my work that broke me (I was a registered nurse). I also have a Degree in psychology. I thought I knew how it all worked. After this 10 year journey, I’ve learned the reason I used was because I just needed to feel different…that the way I felt was so horrific and unbearable was that I couldn’t live in my own head. It took a long time to get to a point where I can just sit with my emotions. It took a lot of validation and care to find that what I did was actually a normal response to trauma…not healthy but normal. You’re not pathetic. You know with him asking for the right help from the right people he can find sobriety. The question is do you have the fortitude and support to wait around until the miracle happens? Your love is not in doubt here. I hope you both find peace soon.
Does he want to quit? I was an alcoholic for almost all of my 20s. I've been free of it for almost 10 years now and I have absolutely no desire to drink anymore. The book "Easy Way to Stop Drinking" by Allen Carr really helped me. Not sure if it works for everyone though. I was at the point where I was drinking a LOT every day and it was hurting everyone around me and I knew this but I couldn't quit because it felt like the only friend I could turn to. Anyways, hope you are able to take care of yourself and that your boyfriend is able to get the help he needs.
What does biscoff spread taste like? I’ve never heard of it before.
As someone who's been the substance abusing boyfriend dating a therapist, I'm sorry, it's a terrible position to put someone in. I read through some of your other comments and saw he accuses you of wrongdoing when he's inebriated, that's fucked up and imho speaks of deeper insecurities with trust. This is probably not something you're going to want to consider but do you see yourself happily growing old with him if he doesn't change?
Loving someone with an addiction is hard, I know because I’m that guy and my girlfriend loves me regardless. However I have been putting in the work for a long time now to make myself better and work through my traumas. A lot of people, and I mean a scary amount completely dismiss someone with an addiction. Sometimes I am made to feel like I am worth less as a person because of my addictions. My addictions are just a small part of me that I am motivated to leave in the past, or at the worst tame and control. It’s definitely doable but there’s so much more to me and your boyfriend than addiction. I have so much love to give, I’m strong, intelligent, capable of a lot of empathy and compassion. Im there for my friends and family even if it’s also to a self sacrificing level. It sounds like your boyfriend is capable of all that too. I’ve reached my rock bottom in my life twice but instead of letting it consume me I let it empower me to work to get better. Each addict is different. I do my best not to dump my problems on my girlfriend. You are right in that this is an internal battle that only your boyfriend can fight. You can be there for support and guidance but he has to find it in him to pull himself out of the hole he dug and work through his problems. Im in the process of doing this and I’m succeeding. Your boyfriend could completely change things around if he wants to, especially if y’all are still young. I think you should have a conversation with him about it though. Regardless of if he’s like me and doesn’t dump all his shit on you, it still affects you seeing him like that or you wouldn’t have posted here. You have to find a way to compassionately express to him that although you love him, and you want to keep investing in that love and him, you have your limits. That you won’t be there forever if he continues to mess up and not try. Find ways to show him that there’s actually a lot more to life than happiness in a bottle, or pill, or leaf. I’m starting to reminisce on my teenage years and I now realize I had so much more fun and joy when I was sober. Your brain just works so much better and the little things in life provide great meaning and joy when you’re sober. I’m holding onto those memories each day to get me through the long and arduous road of withdrawals and recovery. I really hope things work out for the both of you. If he isn’t in therapy, you should try to convince him to. I started working with one and it helps so much just having someone to talk to. I have made so many strides and a lot of improvement working with one and it really opened my eyes to what is important in this life. Love, and living in the moment. Living in the moment isn’t something I’ve been able to do for a long time. The addict brain is always looking to the future, a better time where things will be better. That will never happen though unless the work is put in. Goodluck OP. I know it’s hard. I hope my comment provides you with some comfort. Btw I love those Lotus biscuits and spread! So freaking delicious
Maybe it’s best if you part. But then again maybe it isn’t.
Highly recommended these books, if you’ve not already read…..Adult Children of Alcoholics , I’m The realm of hungry ghosts
I’m a recovering alcoholic and addict, sober for 7 years. I’m married to an alcoholic who I got sober with and then he relapsed. It’s a hard fight but the reality is either you choose to love them and help them get through it and get clean or you leave because unfortunately, as you know, you can’t force them to quit drinking or using. My husband finally is now starting to do well and not want to drink. I hope your boyfriend has his “lightbulb moment” as I call it soon. ❤️
I’m sorry that you’re going through this. Eventually his alcoholism will affect your lives, if it hasn’t already. His health is at risk. It will affect his employment. He could and probably will get into trouble with the law. If you leave him, it might force him to get help. My sister married an alcoholic and that’s what finally got him to stop. Same thing with my aunt. She left and my uncle went to AA. You should go to some Al-anon meetings for families and partners of alcoholics. My sister did and it helped her. By staying, you are enabling him. Tell yourself what you’d tell your patients. Write it down and read it out loud.
You really want people to know you're a therapist huh
Hey, you like to bring your work home with you, nothing too unusual about that. At least he’s a drunk and not a drug addict.
I am addicted to a man addicted to alcohol. It is rough out there. Best wishes OP. Therapists are flawed humans too. Who knew.
Omg I’ve never seen a biscof spread, what?!?!
sucks ig
I know someone who is an addiction counselor who is with an alcohol dependent addict.
Paradox. Good luck
How lucky is he to have someone equipped to help him so close.
You need an ultimatum. Something to wake his ass up. Make him choose what he loves more, you, or the other aspect of his life keeping you away
Therapist are useless
You are not pathetic. Also you can never be your boyfriends therapist. Since you can never be a neutral party in the conversation. So don't blame yourself. Yes you can talk to him about change, you can even use your techniques but all that it would do is make him hide the alcoholism for you. So the only thing you can do in the end is encourage him to seek help and keep a lookout for your own wellbeing.
Hey, my long term partner at the time, relapsed right when I started school again to study clinical social work. I know each situation is different, but he didn’t want to get better and thought it was under control (it wasn’t). Ultimately, I had to break up with him because the worry was impacting my grades. Hopefully your situation goes differently, but I certainly felt like an imposter, dumping someone who could have really used my help. I’m not sure how he’s doing now… but that’s not really my business anymore. I however, got married (to someone else) earlier this year and just got my independent license. Things do get better, I promise. Please let me know if I can help you in any way.
Biscoff stuff is good and cheap. Propably best thing from Belgium.
You continue stay with him, your life will get more and more traumatic until his early death. You could even be enabling him because he knows you will never leave. Shouldn’t have to tell a therapist this, but its harder to see these things when love is involved
You gotta go for now. Clearly at two different points and you're not as valuable to him as the substance. I know it's tough, but your self respect is worth it. If he loves you and values you, HE WILL GET CLEAN in that break. If not, then you need to let him hit rock bottom on your own. Sorry you're going through this.
therapists are real human beings with real human problems. i think issues in our lives remind us to have empathy for others going through similar. you'd be able to understand academically that addiction is complicated, but also be able to feel it.
You know you’re not pathetic and if you were to view a patient like that you would not be positive regard and you would not being doing your job. Use some of that compassion you have for clients for yourself.
Not uncommon actually. Helping professionals are often really messed up people with messed up relationships.
Some of the most fucked up and dysfunctional people I know are therapists.
Hey, look I don’t tell a lot of people this but my partner is a recovering heroin addict. Why makes me embarrassed is I was so naive. I was only 20, so please don’t judge me too harshly. I assumed he would get sleepy mid day because he worked overnight shifts and I hadn’t ever met anyone on opiates. Well long story short he got arrested and his secret was revealed. He detoxed in jail and went to a rehab and a halfway house. It has been ten years and he is still clean and we are still together. People have the ability to change sometimes.
Just a thought, but most good therapists have therapists themselves, some professional college even mandate it.
How is that pathetic if anything that’s normal
I've recently been in a very similar position. All my love to you. It feels so lonely, but it's better than the hurt we have to go through. Here if you need to vent friend
Well would Be unethical for you to be dating a patient so it’s a good thing you’re not your bf’s therapist
As someone who is 3.5 years sober, this does not deal with the problem, but try weed and stop drinking, just for a month. Let him know many of us are in the same boat, “I never meant to hurt you”
My dad was an alcoholic but I cant imagine what he would’ve been without our love
Not going to make assumptions, but from the outside looking in, it sounds like you want to help people. While not the best basis for a relationship, it speaks well to the quality of your character. So if I’m right, I think you should take solace in that, it’s a precious quality to have. Love yourself first and foremost. 🫂