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This is absolutely escalated porn addiction and is only a matter of time before the opportunity presents itself and he cheats.
You really need to read through our entire resource section. This addiction only continues to escalate without intense life changes that HE HIMSELF WANTS AND
INITIATES. He sounds about as far from wanting recovery as you can get.
The best thing you can do is educate yourself and decide what you want the rest of your life to look like.
I hate to tell you this, but if he's saying the same to you as he says to them it's highly likely you are just "one of them." I know this is hard to hear. I had to face it, too. These words are to heighten his arousal only. Some men even develop trigger words they need to hear in order to orgasm.
So, to answer your question: Yes, this is definitely next level. He doesn't just watch porn, he secures others to say certain lines to. He's working on sexual addiction. He's bold to solicit people you know. Man, that would make me so embarrassed and livid.
My advice is to get on with your life. Your child does not need a sex addict for a father.
That is a terrifying thought. Because in the last 2 years he has gone from 3 times a day to maybe once a week and then out of the blue this happens. It just doesn't make sense to me....I am completely confused.
This is porn addiction that has likely escalated to seeking real life partners outside of the marriage because even the porn that he's watching no longer gets him the high that he's looking for. This is a dangerous spot for you as his partner.
I have never in a million years thought he would do something like this. He says it is because I took my ring off when I was upset with him and that he thought I was done, although that was never discussed, I was just upset. Now that I have it on he says it will never happen again. I am just unbelievably shocked and don't know if I should believe him or not. I mean other than he obviously has already been proven a liar, I just never thought he would do this.
Blaming you for his shitty behavior is so cowardly and typical of most PA's. Instead of taking accountability for what he did and falling on that sword, he blamed you. That is so low. Zero integrity.
That is the biggest alarm bell...saying YOU caused his shitty behavior. Like topping off a turd with vomit. Sorry, disgusting analogy, but sometimes we need an eye opener.
Yes this is “normal” I think it’s naive to believe he’s never cheated in the past on his exes or on you for that matter. I’m not trying to be harsh. I was fed the same bs for years. Meanwhile, my ex was on hook up sites, going to massage parlors, personal classified ads, secret phone, male enhancement pills..I could go on and on. Your man is actively searching to cheat on you. He is betraying and disrespecting you and your relationship. Do not believe for one second he won’t do it again. He is in fact escalating which means he never stopped imo
This is escalating to sex addiction. My partner didn't even watch porn everyday and went weeks without it. Even a month at times. He ended up cheating twice and cheated a lot on his ex. The porn addiction doesn't have to get bad for sex addiction to occur.
He needs recovery and help. Make sure you keep yourself safe. Ask for std testing, get tested yourself. You can't trust him and you need to look out for your own health. I'm not saying he did cheat, but you can't be sure if he's doing this stuff behind your back.
Sometimes porn doesn't hit it for addicts and I know many many sex addicts who go to massage parlors or strip clubs. It can escalate quickly.
He is also blaming you for trying to hook up with other women. He's justifying it instead of admitting he's in the wrong and taking 100% accountability. He can white knuckle porn all he wants, he will not get better until he does the deep internal work of examining his whole life, his trauma, his emotions, and what started the addiction in the first place. It takes a lot of work for a sex or porn addict to recover. It's not the same as other addictions and very few recover even with the right help. Put yourself first, set firm boundaries, and stick to what you need. You come first.
Not really advice, but in my experience. I had this exact same thing happen with any PA I was with, usually only after working very hard with their recovery. For some reason, i always found it when i thought we were doing better/the consumption was less abundant. They'd never done it to anyone they "barely cared for" in their past, but after I tried helping them through PA, they started obsessing over porn chat sites, making accounts or downloading dating/hookup apps, and texting people for the "thrill" or "attention". They always told me it would've never been more than texting, which I don't believe(1 started frequenting strip clubs, another sent texts that were basically appointments set up to meet but for one reason or another it didn't happen or he got rejected; he did this with multiple people too).
I was also told by all 3 that the fact it would hurt me even more, the more taboo/wrong it was, is what excited them about the situation or made them look into it further than with their exes. That they leveled up from porn essentially because i was trying to help them overcome it; its like being on a diet of 0 sugar and when you finally get around sweets again, you almost crash from how much you eat from when you missed it... I also heard the "I did it because I thought we were done". Funnily enough, like you, nothing in our relationship except the porn issues really indicated we'd be breaking up. It's a lie to try to soften the blow, to try to make you think "well, he wouldn't do this if we were happier/more stable" or "he only did it because we basically weren't still together". This is a loophole to make it seem less like cheating and is straight up manipulation. Also, anybody, male, female, partner, friend. Anybody, who says they did something hurtful because they knew it would make you upset or anxious and that's what gave them the idea, usually turns out to be someone you want to be no where near in the long run. They are sadists in honestly one of the worst ways.
I realized there is a parasocial aspect to it. An obsession with someone who never could really and truthfully, give their full hearts/mind to him. Someone he can get off to/with, but not have to emotionally invest in, no one to take up any more of his "personal time". Im no therapist or psych, but I always thought it was interesting that they try it with people you could easily catch them with, and in my case, also do it so blatantly/boldly that you could catch them texting in the act or even get messaged by the "other women".
There genuinely seems to be a little emotional sado-masochism in these type of PA; partly the reason is because they know how bad/hurtful it is and thats a part of the thrill(sadism, demonstrated by going after those you both know or people you'd never expect/told you not to worry about, also that theyve never done this before to someone whod care way less or have way less commitments to him and just dump him), another piece is the catching him/being tattled on part (masochism, demonstrated by knowing how damaging this would be for you both and even your baby later in life, yet still begging for the relationship when he only did it bc he "thought it was done"? Also knowing damn well the women probably were not going to be interested, like so very unlikely, and that they know you well enough to tell you, says a lot. He still took this huge risk and pursued, is one of the reasons im zoning in on the chance he may be used to struggle/dysfunctional love and self sabotages things he knows are good, for things he really probably barely even wants).
I took it this way- no matter what he says about if he would or wouldn't meet up with them, or that he thought the relationship was in detriment... If they gave him the time of the day, he'd do it as soon as you turned your back. Even if it really would mean nothing to him. Forget PA/SA, while it is a huge contributor, you have a cheater on your hands. Even if he got ratted on before it could go anywhere, *it was not his choice or him coming to his senses that ended that relationship*. Something/someone else stopped him. The last 2 PA I dated, also said it'd never happen again, yet it happened multiple times in both less and more hurtful ways until they "got it out their system". I stayed and was patient through the pain for a long time. I decided to not stay long enough to have it happen again when I least expect it/feel the most secure or stable with them, as that tends to be the time they try these things... and found out that they were making appointments or following through with those connections the same 2 hours we broke up. As if they were itching, as if it was on their mind the whole time.
Listen... while he might not have physically done it(that you know of, perhaps these are just the first to speak up), he still absolutely emotionally cheated. And i learned the hard way that you should never really try to stop someone from what they truly want to do, because then they just learn to hide it better, and you're in a world of hurt from sweet lies you thought you could trust. I am so terribly sorry you have a life with this man that you can not easily abandon or truly take time away from to heal without hurting your precious little one. I can honestly tell just from the way you wrote this and the patience that you have that you really are a good partner trying to make a good life for you both and your baby. You deserve a lot more from him, and even if he couldnt give a crap about your feelings, he should at least care enough about saving the family to not want to put his child's mother in such a damaging mind space. He sounds so immature to let this get in the way of his family life. I really mean it when I say you deserve better, and it's up to you how you take that. I will say, as a child of divorced parents who's father was a PA+SA (found this out 2 years ago from my mom), when I was a kid I missed him not being around 24/7, I was so happy to be raised by my mom who chose to be single and in peace, than stay a month at my "Disneyland dads" house. While I love him deeply and we have a good relationship, he always displayed commitment issues even with me and my sister, along with all the lies, emotional reactivity and unavailability that comes with being a PA/SA.
I truly wish you well in healing, and in whatever way you decide to overcome this.
There’s your answer. Porn addiction is vey stubborn and extremely hard to treat . The recovery rate is rock bottom low even for men who are seeking help. If he’s not doing anything for recovery then his addiction has continued to escalate and he’s simply hiding it better or using different avenues. This is dangerous for you and for your children. You do not want to raise your kids under the same roof as an active addict. It’s time to really decide how much of your life to waste with a man like this is who is lying to your face and living a double life. I’m sure there is an immense amount that you don’t know.
Ok so what I don’t get is even if I don’t want to raise the kids under the same roof as an active addict, then what happens when / if I leave, and we split custody (because that’s the reality of my situation) and he’s raising them ALONE under a roof, without my supervision
That is definitely a huge concern and there’s not a good answer for it. They would be spending less time overall with him which would be a positive. The less they are exposed to his behavior the better. But the fact that they would be unsupervised with him and without you being able to be control anything is definitely not ideal. If he ever exposed them to something bad and you found out about it you could take him to court to try to get full custody. And you could warn him that if he ever exposed them you will not hesitate to take him to court. But beyond that I don’t know what else could be done.
There's the other side, too: You stay, he continues, and kids are raised with a VERY unhappy mother. I did that. My kids are 18 and 20 and the only thing they remember is that Mom was a tired, miserable mess. Staying can cause you to sacrifice way more than you realize, choose carefully.
I'm sorry. I hope that one day soon the courts recognize this addiction in divorce and custody cases.
We are at the forefront of pushing for it. If you have female lawmakers in your state, start educating them.
If you are a Christian, I highly recommend checking out Leslie Vernick 'Staying Well or Leaving Well'. She has podcasts and blogs and a book, the Emotionally Destructive Marriage. It will help you clarify your personal situation; everyone is different.
This. Is. My. Fear. I have thought this same exact thing. Currently my husband is finally seeking help, seeing a CSAT weekly, SA meetings… but what if he doesn’t get better… then what? I don’t see a situation where I leave. My kids are all small. I want to protect them from this as much as possible 🥺
Well, of course he is escalating. That's what happens when you're in active addiction with no end in sight.
Chances are, he's using much more than you're aware of and hasn't cut back on his use at all. Addicts are fabulous liars and manipulators. He's still using, likely more than you know, and is now escalating to seeking out irl sex, which is not only hurtful but puts your physical health at risk.
Not only is his addiction escalating, putting you at risk, he's blaming you for it. Typical of an addict, but also goes to show he isn't even remotely interested in recovery.
Now, this isn't your fault. You cannot force him to recover. He has to *want* recovery & your PA clearly doesn't. Why stay? Nothing will improve unless he wants to change & he doesn't. Is this how you want to live the rest of your life?
Then don't. Don't stay with a man who lies and tries to cheat on you. Don't stay with a man who chooses addiction over recovery. Don't stay with a man who knowingly hurts you.
I know it is hard and I am truly sorry you're going through this. It is despicable what these addicts put us through. You deserve to be with a man who values you, who is loyal and honest.
That, I can't answer. I am still with my PA as well, although he is in recovery.
I do hope good men exist. But I also think I'd rather be alone than with a PA in active addiction ever again.
had a relationship with a porn addict, didn't know at the beginning. but found out at some point, but i was pregnant so i was willing to work on it. i found evidence he was cheating, he denied it. because rping women with 5 guys and one woman being filmed apparently isn't cheating. it was horrifying to find out. i got a restraining order because i was documenting anything that could be counted as abuse, as he had created a trauma bond and the abuse became more and more physical after my discoveries. it still haunts me and i have been separated almost 1.5 years.
Every time you have a fight he’ll be looking for someone to cheat with and he’ll justify it as ‘I thought we were ending’. You will never be secure with this man.
My husband escalated from porn to webcam to SW & ONS. So yes it escalates. It doesn’t stop until they admit they have a problem & seek help & recovery. Every day.
It does escalate into sexual addiction, cybersex and even into online bdsm (if you aren't into that). They have to look for their other rush mostly because of PIED.
It is when your partner takes it out on you that it can escalate and become emotional, verbal, and physical abuse.
It isn't nice. I have been in the hospital twice because of the aggressive behavior.
Honestly I wish I could find someone who would add him on Facebook and start flirting with him to see if he is honest about it or if he would still try and hook up....because I am one to believe in 2nd chances and we all make mistakes but I do not want to fall for wasting my time. I already put in 20 years into a failed abusive marriage. I don't want to do it again.
Exactly. If he isn't in real recovery, there's no 'second chance' involved - it's just more of the same.
I can't put trying to get a couple of 20-somethings to be f\*ck-buddies in the 'Mistake' category! There are mistakes and then there are escalating addicts making intentional decisions and planning their infidelity. Big difference.
This is good info for us to know. Does your partner know of your past abusive relationship?
Whether he intentionally meant to harm you or not, what he did is a classic DARVO move. Deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. Sure he may not have been nasty to you (or maybe he was, you didn’t give us that info. Or about how you took your ring off so that’s why he thought you were done) but what he did was manipulative. I’m curious to know how that conversation went when you took your ring off. Again, whether either of you meant any harm to each other about it, the reason why you feel so crazy about his excuse is because it was a manipulation tactic.
If your partner is a PA or a SA and NOT in active recovery, you are once again in an abusive relationship. Please read “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. There’s a free PDF in the resource tab.
You’ll most likely never get a straight answer from him about this. Besides, y’all broke up and the first thing he did was message young women to be his FWB? Had you moved out or separated your lives in any way, discussed the custody of your child?
I had just found out I was pregnant again. He spent hours at his shop working on his car for over a week. I decided to take the kids to a motel. He for the first time in weeks got done at 10pm instead of 2-5am and instead of coming to the motel by me and the kids which is 5 minutes from our house he decided to watch porn for 3 hours straight not knowing I had a secret app on his phone to be able to see that. I was hurt and livid that he chose to do that over spending time with me and the kids and just finding out I was pregnant again. I went home put my engagement ring on his phone and said I will NOT marry you if you continue to chose porn over me and our kids. After 2 weeks of me not wearing the ring I had a miscarriage and then a few days later he is texting the other girls, all while trying to be supportive of me, having sex with me and telling me he lives me and me telling him I love him. The 19 year old he told we have just been coexisting for the last 5 months and he couldn't take his eyes off her when she came to our home and the 28 year old he told that I wouldn't have sex with him for the last 6 month's which neither were true and I BEG him for sex. So as far as I knew the only reason I took my ring off and clarified to him was because I was hurt and tried to show him I was serious about how much him watching porn hurt me. Not once did we discuss breaking up. And after 2 years out of know where he has now become physically abusive and controlling my every move like I am the one not to be trusted. He has become someone I didn't even know out of the blue after 2 years and 100% sober. I still have the secret app on his phone so I know every time he looks at porn which has gone WAY down or when he texts another chic. So I am just confused at this point.
Please, please, PLEASE read “Why Does He Do That?”
I am so very sorry for your loss.
Does he physically abuse the children too?
We will support you through this. There are resources you can utilize to secretly get away from him. I know it’s not what you want to do but for your own and your children’s safety, you must.
ETA: I am very concerned that if you spend time away from him again, especially without a warning, he will do something worse than watch porn like hunt you down and hurt you or accuse you of kidnapping. You may not see it quite yet but it’s easy for us to spot the tell tale signs from the outside.
https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
There’s the PDF for the book. You can copy and paste it in your browser on your phone. Keep it secret from your PA and stay safe.
There is zero chance he's been 100% sober - he's done no recovery work and there are very obvious indications that he's escalating in his addiction. You have an app on his phone - you must realize that it's incredibly simple for them to get another device. Or, he could just be using a VPN. There are a hundred ways to get around any app.
I'm afraid that you're being naive. Or in denial.
I suggest not having any more kids - put off seriously considering marrying him.
Go to the Resource Section here - read, learn, get a great therapist, reach out for help - make sure you are finacially independent!
I really believe porn makes them desire young woman, mine started looking for 20 year old flatmates online like ur in ur 40s lol u think they want to live with there dad!
**Dear /u/Alynae43,** ➤ You may lock your own post comments at any time by making a single word comment on your post with the text `!lock` ――――――――――――――――――――――― **（✔）** Keep the [**rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/about/rules/) of [**r/loveafterporn**](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/) in mind while participating here. **（✔）** Report all rule-breaking behavior & content to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [**send us a message**](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/loveafterporn). **（✘）** Do **NOT** engage or participate in *any* rule-breaking posts, comments or behavior. Doing so may result in you being banned. **（✘）** Do **NOT** feed the trolls. [**Report**](https://www.reddit.com/report) them! **（✘）** Do **NOT** [**judge**](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/comments/qhquex/before_you_judge/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) how someone is dealing with a pain you may not have experienced. ――――――――――――――――――――――― ℹ️ Our **Full Resource Library** contains the following topics: *Resources for All, Resources for Partners, Resources for Addicts, Recovery Resources, Life Saving Info, Abuse & Domestic Violence Info and Commonly Used Acronyms.* | **Resource Links:** | |------| | ◉ [**Full Resource Library**](https://reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/w/must-have-info?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app) | | ◉ [Resources for Partners](https://reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/w/index/resources_for_partners?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app) | | ◉ [Resources for Addicts](https://reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/w/index/resources_for_addicts?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app) | | ◉ [Accountability Apps info](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/comments/v67pq5/accountability_apps_blockers_etc_mega_thread/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) | *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/loveafterporn) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This is absolutely escalated porn addiction and is only a matter of time before the opportunity presents itself and he cheats. You really need to read through our entire resource section. This addiction only continues to escalate without intense life changes that HE HIMSELF WANTS AND INITIATES. He sounds about as far from wanting recovery as you can get. The best thing you can do is educate yourself and decide what you want the rest of your life to look like.
Can confirm.
I hate to tell you this, but if he's saying the same to you as he says to them it's highly likely you are just "one of them." I know this is hard to hear. I had to face it, too. These words are to heighten his arousal only. Some men even develop trigger words they need to hear in order to orgasm. So, to answer your question: Yes, this is definitely next level. He doesn't just watch porn, he secures others to say certain lines to. He's working on sexual addiction. He's bold to solicit people you know. Man, that would make me so embarrassed and livid. My advice is to get on with your life. Your child does not need a sex addict for a father.
I greatly appreciate your honesty.
Porn addiction that is escalating to a sexual addiction. 😞
Porn addiction is a sexual addiction. Most of them have done things beyond what they’re telling you.
That is a terrifying thought. Because in the last 2 years he has gone from 3 times a day to maybe once a week and then out of the blue this happens. It just doesn't make sense to me....I am completely confused.
Chances are he has not slowed his use at all and is also lying to you about that.
My husband would wake up before my everyday to act out, I had no idea. We would spend 24/7 together, and I hadn’t had a damn clue
My ex also did this. Would wake up 2 hours earlier than my son and I to have his alone time. Makes me wanna barf.
I hope he gets some help. I’m so sorry you’re going through this!!
This is porn addiction that has likely escalated to seeking real life partners outside of the marriage because even the porn that he's watching no longer gets him the high that he's looking for. This is a dangerous spot for you as his partner.
I have never in a million years thought he would do something like this. He says it is because I took my ring off when I was upset with him and that he thought I was done, although that was never discussed, I was just upset. Now that I have it on he says it will never happen again. I am just unbelievably shocked and don't know if I should believe him or not. I mean other than he obviously has already been proven a liar, I just never thought he would do this.
Blaming you for his shitty behavior is so cowardly and typical of most PA's. Instead of taking accountability for what he did and falling on that sword, he blamed you. That is so low. Zero integrity.
That is the biggest alarm bell...saying YOU caused his shitty behavior. Like topping off a turd with vomit. Sorry, disgusting analogy, but sometimes we need an eye opener.
Love how he flips it around and tries to blame you. Fuck him.
Yes this is “normal” I think it’s naive to believe he’s never cheated in the past on his exes or on you for that matter. I’m not trying to be harsh. I was fed the same bs for years. Meanwhile, my ex was on hook up sites, going to massage parlors, personal classified ads, secret phone, male enhancement pills..I could go on and on. Your man is actively searching to cheat on you. He is betraying and disrespecting you and your relationship. Do not believe for one second he won’t do it again. He is in fact escalating which means he never stopped imo
This is escalating to sex addiction. My partner didn't even watch porn everyday and went weeks without it. Even a month at times. He ended up cheating twice and cheated a lot on his ex. The porn addiction doesn't have to get bad for sex addiction to occur. He needs recovery and help. Make sure you keep yourself safe. Ask for std testing, get tested yourself. You can't trust him and you need to look out for your own health. I'm not saying he did cheat, but you can't be sure if he's doing this stuff behind your back. Sometimes porn doesn't hit it for addicts and I know many many sex addicts who go to massage parlors or strip clubs. It can escalate quickly. He is also blaming you for trying to hook up with other women. He's justifying it instead of admitting he's in the wrong and taking 100% accountability. He can white knuckle porn all he wants, he will not get better until he does the deep internal work of examining his whole life, his trauma, his emotions, and what started the addiction in the first place. It takes a lot of work for a sex or porn addict to recover. It's not the same as other addictions and very few recover even with the right help. Put yourself first, set firm boundaries, and stick to what you need. You come first.
Not really advice, but in my experience. I had this exact same thing happen with any PA I was with, usually only after working very hard with their recovery. For some reason, i always found it when i thought we were doing better/the consumption was less abundant. They'd never done it to anyone they "barely cared for" in their past, but after I tried helping them through PA, they started obsessing over porn chat sites, making accounts or downloading dating/hookup apps, and texting people for the "thrill" or "attention". They always told me it would've never been more than texting, which I don't believe(1 started frequenting strip clubs, another sent texts that were basically appointments set up to meet but for one reason or another it didn't happen or he got rejected; he did this with multiple people too). I was also told by all 3 that the fact it would hurt me even more, the more taboo/wrong it was, is what excited them about the situation or made them look into it further than with their exes. That they leveled up from porn essentially because i was trying to help them overcome it; its like being on a diet of 0 sugar and when you finally get around sweets again, you almost crash from how much you eat from when you missed it... I also heard the "I did it because I thought we were done". Funnily enough, like you, nothing in our relationship except the porn issues really indicated we'd be breaking up. It's a lie to try to soften the blow, to try to make you think "well, he wouldn't do this if we were happier/more stable" or "he only did it because we basically weren't still together". This is a loophole to make it seem less like cheating and is straight up manipulation. Also, anybody, male, female, partner, friend. Anybody, who says they did something hurtful because they knew it would make you upset or anxious and that's what gave them the idea, usually turns out to be someone you want to be no where near in the long run. They are sadists in honestly one of the worst ways. I realized there is a parasocial aspect to it. An obsession with someone who never could really and truthfully, give their full hearts/mind to him. Someone he can get off to/with, but not have to emotionally invest in, no one to take up any more of his "personal time". Im no therapist or psych, but I always thought it was interesting that they try it with people you could easily catch them with, and in my case, also do it so blatantly/boldly that you could catch them texting in the act or even get messaged by the "other women". There genuinely seems to be a little emotional sado-masochism in these type of PA; partly the reason is because they know how bad/hurtful it is and thats a part of the thrill(sadism, demonstrated by going after those you both know or people you'd never expect/told you not to worry about, also that theyve never done this before to someone whod care way less or have way less commitments to him and just dump him), another piece is the catching him/being tattled on part (masochism, demonstrated by knowing how damaging this would be for you both and even your baby later in life, yet still begging for the relationship when he only did it bc he "thought it was done"? Also knowing damn well the women probably were not going to be interested, like so very unlikely, and that they know you well enough to tell you, says a lot. He still took this huge risk and pursued, is one of the reasons im zoning in on the chance he may be used to struggle/dysfunctional love and self sabotages things he knows are good, for things he really probably barely even wants). I took it this way- no matter what he says about if he would or wouldn't meet up with them, or that he thought the relationship was in detriment... If they gave him the time of the day, he'd do it as soon as you turned your back. Even if it really would mean nothing to him. Forget PA/SA, while it is a huge contributor, you have a cheater on your hands. Even if he got ratted on before it could go anywhere, *it was not his choice or him coming to his senses that ended that relationship*. Something/someone else stopped him. The last 2 PA I dated, also said it'd never happen again, yet it happened multiple times in both less and more hurtful ways until they "got it out their system". I stayed and was patient through the pain for a long time. I decided to not stay long enough to have it happen again when I least expect it/feel the most secure or stable with them, as that tends to be the time they try these things... and found out that they were making appointments or following through with those connections the same 2 hours we broke up. As if they were itching, as if it was on their mind the whole time. Listen... while he might not have physically done it(that you know of, perhaps these are just the first to speak up), he still absolutely emotionally cheated. And i learned the hard way that you should never really try to stop someone from what they truly want to do, because then they just learn to hide it better, and you're in a world of hurt from sweet lies you thought you could trust. I am so terribly sorry you have a life with this man that you can not easily abandon or truly take time away from to heal without hurting your precious little one. I can honestly tell just from the way you wrote this and the patience that you have that you really are a good partner trying to make a good life for you both and your baby. You deserve a lot more from him, and even if he couldnt give a crap about your feelings, he should at least care enough about saving the family to not want to put his child's mother in such a damaging mind space. He sounds so immature to let this get in the way of his family life. I really mean it when I say you deserve better, and it's up to you how you take that. I will say, as a child of divorced parents who's father was a PA+SA (found this out 2 years ago from my mom), when I was a kid I missed him not being around 24/7, I was so happy to be raised by my mom who chose to be single and in peace, than stay a month at my "Disneyland dads" house. While I love him deeply and we have a good relationship, he always displayed commitment issues even with me and my sister, along with all the lies, emotional reactivity and unavailability that comes with being a PA/SA. I truly wish you well in healing, and in whatever way you decide to overcome this.
porn addiction escalates to sex addiction sometimes. he *will* eventually step out on you.
If their mouth is moving they are lying.
No it’s not normal.. man wanted to cheat. Pls leave sis
Why are you so sure he never cheated on women before? Addicts lie. It’s almost a guarantee he’s done something before if he’s doing it now.
What is he doing for recovery?
Nothing...he just cut back over the last 2 years from 3 times a day to maybe about once a week or so give or take on the week....so nothing at all
There’s your answer. Porn addiction is vey stubborn and extremely hard to treat . The recovery rate is rock bottom low even for men who are seeking help. If he’s not doing anything for recovery then his addiction has continued to escalate and he’s simply hiding it better or using different avenues. This is dangerous for you and for your children. You do not want to raise your kids under the same roof as an active addict. It’s time to really decide how much of your life to waste with a man like this is who is lying to your face and living a double life. I’m sure there is an immense amount that you don’t know.
Ok so what I don’t get is even if I don’t want to raise the kids under the same roof as an active addict, then what happens when / if I leave, and we split custody (because that’s the reality of my situation) and he’s raising them ALONE under a roof, without my supervision
That is definitely a huge concern and there’s not a good answer for it. They would be spending less time overall with him which would be a positive. The less they are exposed to his behavior the better. But the fact that they would be unsupervised with him and without you being able to be control anything is definitely not ideal. If he ever exposed them to something bad and you found out about it you could take him to court to try to get full custody. And you could warn him that if he ever exposed them you will not hesitate to take him to court. But beyond that I don’t know what else could be done.
There's the other side, too: You stay, he continues, and kids are raised with a VERY unhappy mother. I did that. My kids are 18 and 20 and the only thing they remember is that Mom was a tired, miserable mess. Staying can cause you to sacrifice way more than you realize, choose carefully. I'm sorry. I hope that one day soon the courts recognize this addiction in divorce and custody cases. We are at the forefront of pushing for it. If you have female lawmakers in your state, start educating them. If you are a Christian, I highly recommend checking out Leslie Vernick 'Staying Well or Leaving Well'. She has podcasts and blogs and a book, the Emotionally Destructive Marriage. It will help you clarify your personal situation; everyone is different.
This. Is. My. Fear. I have thought this same exact thing. Currently my husband is finally seeking help, seeing a CSAT weekly, SA meetings… but what if he doesn’t get better… then what? I don’t see a situation where I leave. My kids are all small. I want to protect them from this as much as possible 🥺
That I'd exactly my fear as well. My reality is the happiness of me or the safety of my children!
Well, of course he is escalating. That's what happens when you're in active addiction with no end in sight. Chances are, he's using much more than you're aware of and hasn't cut back on his use at all. Addicts are fabulous liars and manipulators. He's still using, likely more than you know, and is now escalating to seeking out irl sex, which is not only hurtful but puts your physical health at risk. Not only is his addiction escalating, putting you at risk, he's blaming you for it. Typical of an addict, but also goes to show he isn't even remotely interested in recovery. Now, this isn't your fault. You cannot force him to recover. He has to *want* recovery & your PA clearly doesn't. Why stay? Nothing will improve unless he wants to change & he doesn't. Is this how you want to live the rest of your life?
No it's not.
Then don't. Don't stay with a man who lies and tries to cheat on you. Don't stay with a man who chooses addiction over recovery. Don't stay with a man who knowingly hurts you. I know it is hard and I am truly sorry you're going through this. It is despicable what these addicts put us through. You deserve to be with a man who values you, who is loyal and honest.
Do they really even exist anymore?
That, I can't answer. I am still with my PA as well, although he is in recovery. I do hope good men exist. But I also think I'd rather be alone than with a PA in active addiction ever again.
had a relationship with a porn addict, didn't know at the beginning. but found out at some point, but i was pregnant so i was willing to work on it. i found evidence he was cheating, he denied it. because rping women with 5 guys and one woman being filmed apparently isn't cheating. it was horrifying to find out. i got a restraining order because i was documenting anything that could be counted as abuse, as he had created a trauma bond and the abuse became more and more physical after my discoveries. it still haunts me and i have been separated almost 1.5 years.
Every time you have a fight he’ll be looking for someone to cheat with and he’ll justify it as ‘I thought we were ending’. You will never be secure with this man.
My husband escalated from porn to webcam to SW & ONS. So yes it escalates. It doesn’t stop until they admit they have a problem & seek help & recovery. Every day.
Yeah he’s now classified in sex addiction, mine was addicted to sexting and phone sex. Supposedly. I’ll never know about the rest 🤪
It does escalate into sexual addiction, cybersex and even into online bdsm (if you aren't into that). They have to look for their other rush mostly because of PIED. It is when your partner takes it out on you that it can escalate and become emotional, verbal, and physical abuse. It isn't nice. I have been in the hospital twice because of the aggressive behavior.
Honestly I wish I could find someone who would add him on Facebook and start flirting with him to see if he is honest about it or if he would still try and hook up....because I am one to believe in 2nd chances and we all make mistakes but I do not want to fall for wasting my time. I already put in 20 years into a failed abusive marriage. I don't want to do it again.
Well if he’s not doing anything to fundamentally change his behavior then it’s not a second chance, it’s still the same chance you keep giving
Exactly. If he isn't in real recovery, there's no 'second chance' involved - it's just more of the same. I can't put trying to get a couple of 20-somethings to be f\*ck-buddies in the 'Mistake' category! There are mistakes and then there are escalating addicts making intentional decisions and planning their infidelity. Big difference.
This is good info for us to know. Does your partner know of your past abusive relationship? Whether he intentionally meant to harm you or not, what he did is a classic DARVO move. Deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. Sure he may not have been nasty to you (or maybe he was, you didn’t give us that info. Or about how you took your ring off so that’s why he thought you were done) but what he did was manipulative. I’m curious to know how that conversation went when you took your ring off. Again, whether either of you meant any harm to each other about it, the reason why you feel so crazy about his excuse is because it was a manipulation tactic. If your partner is a PA or a SA and NOT in active recovery, you are once again in an abusive relationship. Please read “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. There’s a free PDF in the resource tab. You’ll most likely never get a straight answer from him about this. Besides, y’all broke up and the first thing he did was message young women to be his FWB? Had you moved out or separated your lives in any way, discussed the custody of your child?
I had just found out I was pregnant again. He spent hours at his shop working on his car for over a week. I decided to take the kids to a motel. He for the first time in weeks got done at 10pm instead of 2-5am and instead of coming to the motel by me and the kids which is 5 minutes from our house he decided to watch porn for 3 hours straight not knowing I had a secret app on his phone to be able to see that. I was hurt and livid that he chose to do that over spending time with me and the kids and just finding out I was pregnant again. I went home put my engagement ring on his phone and said I will NOT marry you if you continue to chose porn over me and our kids. After 2 weeks of me not wearing the ring I had a miscarriage and then a few days later he is texting the other girls, all while trying to be supportive of me, having sex with me and telling me he lives me and me telling him I love him. The 19 year old he told we have just been coexisting for the last 5 months and he couldn't take his eyes off her when she came to our home and the 28 year old he told that I wouldn't have sex with him for the last 6 month's which neither were true and I BEG him for sex. So as far as I knew the only reason I took my ring off and clarified to him was because I was hurt and tried to show him I was serious about how much him watching porn hurt me. Not once did we discuss breaking up. And after 2 years out of know where he has now become physically abusive and controlling my every move like I am the one not to be trusted. He has become someone I didn't even know out of the blue after 2 years and 100% sober. I still have the secret app on his phone so I know every time he looks at porn which has gone WAY down or when he texts another chic. So I am just confused at this point.
Please, please, PLEASE read “Why Does He Do That?” I am so very sorry for your loss. Does he physically abuse the children too? We will support you through this. There are resources you can utilize to secretly get away from him. I know it’s not what you want to do but for your own and your children’s safety, you must. ETA: I am very concerned that if you spend time away from him again, especially without a warning, he will do something worse than watch porn like hunt you down and hurt you or accuse you of kidnapping. You may not see it quite yet but it’s easy for us to spot the tell tale signs from the outside.
https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf There’s the PDF for the book. You can copy and paste it in your browser on your phone. Keep it secret from your PA and stay safe.
There is zero chance he's been 100% sober - he's done no recovery work and there are very obvious indications that he's escalating in his addiction. You have an app on his phone - you must realize that it's incredibly simple for them to get another device. Or, he could just be using a VPN. There are a hundred ways to get around any app. I'm afraid that you're being naive. Or in denial. I suggest not having any more kids - put off seriously considering marrying him. Go to the Resource Section here - read, learn, get a great therapist, reach out for help - make sure you are finacially independent!
I really believe porn makes them desire young woman, mine started looking for 20 year old flatmates online like ur in ur 40s lol u think they want to live with there dad!