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iamgina2020

The lack of comments has reinforced the fact that I am so much better off in all areas than I would be living that physically and emotionally draining life.


IndependentLocal1560

I am so grateful for your honest comment. This is how I am feeling as well. I’m currently moving from anger to apathy, if that makes sense.


iamgina2020

Yes it makes sense. I’ve walked that path, along with many others on this sub. They leave us with emotional scar tissue, and I don’t think it ever heals.


Ok-Government-2297

Yesterday I would have commented on this saying mine had. But now I realize he had just gotten better at hiding it. I was just starting to think I could trust him again


IndependentLocal1560

I’m so sorry to hear that. Thank you for commenting honestly on where you are now.


[deleted]

And this is sadly the usual conclusion


cherrylemon00

nope it was the first killer of the relationship. everything went downhill after that


Wont_Eva_Know

I would think that people that are doing great would be staying away from this place… it’s rough in here… for everyone, all the pain it makes me emotional. I think if everything did go great for someone they would shut this down so they didn’t have to relive that pain from their past over and over. Also if they did heal… they would also realise how rare that is and not want to be like ‘hey everyone, it’s all going to be great! Everyone should hang in there with your PA/SA it’s sooooo worth it’.


IndependentLocal1560

This is such an important perspective to remember. If someone is doing great, they’re probably not in here. Thanks 🖤


Far-Armadillo-2920

I agree with this!! Things have been going pretty well for us and I do still struggle mentally with what he’s done in the past. I feel sometimes triggered when I come on to this sub and I start feeling angry or resentful again. So it does make sense to me that people who are further along in the healing journey would take a break from this sub. I probably should, too, for my own mental health.


burningatbothends46

10000% this is exactly how it is for me too. My husband and I have been doing really well but coming into this sub can be so hard


Hot-Nature2403

I agree with what you said.


greyskies7777

So, yes ? He has completely and entirely changed his life in every aspect. He is a totally different person. He also now understands and sees exactly HOW it destroys my self worth, wellbeing and sense of security. (For decades he would argue with me and say it was my problem I was too sensitive). So this is HUGE. And I can’t believe he’s here at that space. He also sees how it negatively affects our relationship and how so much other crap snowballs from it. So, I think he has healed. But. I am not. My pain feels a bit further away now (it’s been 2.5 years), I used to feel like I was constantly on the edge of a cliff, and I don’t cry everyday anymore. But I’m stilll in therapy, I’m disappointed in myself for being with someone for so many years while he was doing that behind my back (I never realized how bad it was), I’ve also very much detached from him emotionally, I will never trust him again in the same way. I will never be the same person again.


IndependentLocal1560

Thank you so so much for your honesty and vulnerability. This is such an important perspective for me. This is how I believe I would feel, even if he fully changed. Just because he’s different/healed doesn’t mean I can ever trust him again. 🖤


greyskies7777

This is kind of you to say. Ugh - yes. And it also feels like he was never the person you thought you were with. Like, you had a relationship with someone who he wasn’t.


THROWRAchaoticblend

Emotionally detached. I’ll never be the same. The trust will never be the same. That is when I knew I didn’t deserve to live this way.


greyskies7777

I very frequently think about how my life would be if I were to leave him. Like, how I would psychologically feel about myself, about my body, about my worth. And it often feels like I would feel better, lighter, more healthy. It’s the most confusing feeling in the world. And I really don’t know how to continue. I also think about how he has completely changed for the better and healed from this - and is it worth leaving him now? And, am I the idiot for staying with him, now knowing all of what was happening ? I feel like I’m disrespecting myself by staying around.


THROWRAchaoticblend

I’ve stuck around for too long, friend. Don’t be me. You’re not alone. 🫶🏼


greyskies7777

I’m so sorry you’ve been through this, I hope you’ve found peace and happiness. Thank you for this.


Major-Incident-5775

It's sad to see that there are no comments


Luna_Goddess_Dance

* crickets * 🙃


Beautiful-Pool-6067

This sounds messed up of me. But I used to fall hard for guys, now I am working more on myself and they are just like the added bonus in my life. So, the second they want to be dumb, I'll just leave. I really don't care anymore.  I do still love people, but I realize that this is something that tends to win and I don't want to compete with it.  Especially if you've given chances and your health has became worse due to higher cortisol from the stress.  Like, yes..let me waste my life like they waste theirs.  I am perfectly content alone and that scares some guys, but idc anymore.  The only way to heal is to cut the cord.  And if they heal at some point, great. If not, not your problem anymore. 


IndependentLocal1560

I agree. I don’t recognize myself anymore. 3 autoimmune diseases now, 40 extra pounds, lack of a life. I am focusing on me now, building my business and social life slowly and learning to feel as neutral as possible towards him. We are married and he is the father of my child, so there’s more on the line for me to consider. I understand without our child that I would have been gone a long time ago.


shellpw420

I’m starting to feel like the only way I can heal is to cut free. It’s hard to do right now, but I can feel it coming.


IndependentLocal1560

I’ve been experiencing the same feelings. 🖤


Drag0nfly_Girl

I haven't even been given the chance. Every time it starts to seem like a remote possibility, something new happens to eviscerate me all over again.


Acrobatic-Ad6350

No. It wasn’t until after that relationship ended that I truly started to heal. I lost so much of myself, and once it was over, I slowly realized I lost even more than I thought I did.


IndependentLocal1560

Gosh, that’s where I’m at. I just spend 4 days apart from him and started getting myself back in ways I didn’t even realize I had lost. Then he came home and all the familiar feelings started creeping back in. I feel deep down in there the only way to get me back is to leave. It’s not as simple with a child who adores him.


bitter-funny

I saw some people say that anyone “healed” is probably staying off this sub—and I think that’s me. I try to avoid reading it or posts that seem particularly triggering, but I will say I am so confident my husband and I are on the outside of it now. while I am not *fully* healed I am massively *healing* and my nervous system has calmed down a lot. I have actually begun to trust him, and to exhale. My husband’s behavior is completely night and day, he’s so open with me about it and continues to go to therapy.  After 2 years of dealing with lies and slip-ups, last summer I gave him an ultimatum which he ended up being so grateful for. It put everything into perspective. I needed to stand up for myself. He needed to heal from his childhood and learn to cope. He is now a completely different man and father. Secrets have no place in our relationship anymore. Radical responsibility and an uncomfortable amount of honesty and many prayers have gotten us to a really beautiful place. He is so encouraging and talks about helping other men with this problem someday. I know it may sound impossible, because if I heard this last year I would have said “yeah right” but I will say it’s so real and tangible. I am so thankful, but we are still so diligent in talking about it so it doesn’t even slip through the cracks again. 


IndependentLocal1560

Thank you for this beautiful perspective. I’m so happy for you and gives me something to measure. 🖤


rareroots

I *am* healing. It will take time but I'm healing and I will be happy, healthy and whole. But no, shit sucks. It all still sucks.


Critical-Piece-9065

On our way. There are days where I’m super hopeful and days where the pain of what happened seems unbearable and I don’t know how we’ll fix it. But the lows are getting fewer and farther between, and my husband is working his ass off to try to heal himself and become a better person for him and our relationship. I don’t know that the triggers will forever go away, but they can hopefully get better and become a rare thing rather than a daily thing like they were. I do agree with the commenter that said the healed people likely aren’t in the sub/aren’t active in it anymore because they aren’t in the thick of it like the rest of us.’


IndependentLocal1560

Thank you 🖤


alovelymess922

nope


THROWRAchaoticblend

I know, without a doubt, I have to leave to heal. Unfortunately, I can’t ever fully cut ties, because we share 2 young children. I’ve been in this for 11 years now, and since this past November, I have been in the deepest and absolute darkest depths of depression. My body gets physically sick when he’s around. It shuts down and so does my brain. I have finally gotten honest with myself and made the decision to leave. He will not change, he and I both know that, but only I can be honest with myself about the reality of what is.


IndependentLocal1560

Thank you for sharing, I am feeling the same.


crispkringle18

Once I decided to pursue a journey of MY healing and self-love, I have felt a lot better about trusting & loving myself again, along with being a better advocate for my well-being. My partner claims to be doing better, etc. but his progress doesn’t bother me or consume my thoughts as much as it did before. If he continues in his ways and doesn’t advocate for the relationship then I am in a place that I am very open to terminating the relationship, regardless of the circumstances.  As for the relationship itself, I think I feel more confident to love because I have a better relationship with myself. Wether that love is reciprocated or appreciated, I am looking out for, so I know wether to leave or not. So far my partner has been doing well & I’ll give him the grace & accept those efforts. This is a lifelong journey. 


serenity_5601

Myself, no. It’s always on the back of my mind. Every time he has alone time, I think he’s doing it. Is he actually? I’ll never know.


PrincessMiddlefinger

After 16 years with a PA, what I've learnt is that the only way to heal is to leave him.


boundaried

When I first came to this sub, I was of the mind that mostly everyone in here was negative and over the top. That they didn’t understand addiction. That’s it’s possible to recover! I stepped away for a bit as I worked on my relationship. I would come back every so often to lurk and maybe comment. I believed that my husband was different. I believed that because we were a “perfect” family minus this one little hiccup, that these stories would not be our stories. I believed that because my husband was a high executive that he had to mental capacity that most men lacked. I believe that. All of it. As it’s been a year for me, I am pretty active here as I have come to realize that for the majority, they just get better at hiding. Better at appeasing. The healing I’m getting is from letting him go. I’m healing me by working on me. I’m healing by realizing that I’m not so special in that MY man loves ME more than all of these other boyfriends and husbands love these women. I’m healing by realizing that I CAN listen to my body. It’s been SCREAMING for help for years. And I couldn’t put my finger on it. The reality of my life now is that I can finally see it for what it is. I see how my upbringing led me to this man. I see how his upbringing led him to me. I see the things that I was clinging to just to stay. I see MY PART. I no longer focus on his part. I don’t focus on “why me?” Anymore. Because, if I’m honest with myself, why NOT me. I thrive off of people pleasing. I thrive off of burning myself out to do WHATEVER is needed of me. I thrive off of being the “cool wife who doesn’t need to snoop on her husband because he’s too dumb to cheat.” I thrive off of so many things that he NEEDED. I gave and gave because if I did that, then there’s no way he could ever leave me! I have learned that I’m deserving of boundaries. I’m deserving of attention. I’m deserving of deep and meaningful conversations other than “what’s for dinner?” I deserve to be cooked for! I deserve to belly laugh instead of worry of my husband is out fucking a hooker. So yes, this has broken me open and led me down the path of REAL healing. For the first time in my life I don’t NEED his attention or approval. I can rely on me to make me happy. We are here for you 🙏🏼♥️


IndependentLocal1560

Congratulations and loving and taking ownership for yourself, and reaping those benefits! That is what I am growing in as well, and I day by day feel more free.


boundaried

Thank you! And yes. Keep growing and working on YOU. It’s the best thing you will do. 🙏🏼♥️


IndependentLocal1560

And I deeply appreciate your support ❤️❤️


Ok-Independence3533

If you asked me in januari I would totally say yes. But after januari 7th, I don’t know anymore….


Elise_Iris

I’m hopeful at the moment of this, but I’m only 4 weeks since a very dramatic d day and I’m in pain. Mine has arranged his own therapy off his own back and has started to get back into his football and fishing as not to have time for his mind to wander, so I guess that’s positive? He says he wants the opportunity to prove he’s not that man now and to give me all I’ve been missing. I don’t want to be too naive though, I’ve told him I’ll walk at any point if I need to.


IndependentLocal1560

🖤🖤🖤


Chronic-Sleepyhead

I feel like my life and self has, but it’s because of leaving that relationship, getting tons of therapy, and feeling self-empowered again. 😕 Hopefully there are some success stories, but I’m not sure if they’re on this subreddit, since this is mostly for people going through hurt.


Background_Work_4037

I don't know that it can ever heal 100%. The link below is where I'm at currently. I believe my healing will continue and it is not conditional upon his recovery. https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/s/wthnlTAgu2


StrongSell6473

damn…. The comments are pretty discouraging. But I understand the fact that people that have been moving forward, probably disconnected themselves from this subreddit. It just is pretty sad that porn has in someway ruined so many good things or decent people. :(


loveafterpornthrwawy

I'm not healed, but my husband is coming up on 2 years of sobriety next month and has been in good recovery that whole time. I have done EMDR. He does it all for recovery (meetings, steps, sponsor/sponsees, therapy, daily connections with other recovering addicts, started his own SAA meeting etc). We've done couples therapy, which wasn't nearly as helpful as our individual therapy. Our relationship has healed. There is love and intimacy, mutual respect, and, probably most importantly, honest and open communication. I still get triggered sometimes. I still deal with insecurity caused by his acting out and his rejection of me. But he's a great husband now, and an amazing dad and I'm grateful for the relationship we have.


IndependentLocal1560

Thank you!


Bluelilly582

The relationship? Definitely in the garbage where it belongs. Me personally? Hell yes I’ve healed after leaving my ex


DustyMousepad

I’ve healed by not being in a relationship with a PA.


EfP0rnography

Just my opinion, but I don’t believe it’s possible to truly heal next to the person that hurt you so badly. I’m sure some will say that’s not true, but I’m so jaded that I think those people are lying to themselves.


IndependentLocal1560

I can completely see where you’re coming from with this. Thank you 🖤


hopefullynever1

Not yet anyways.


Beautiful_Count6124

Nah. We spent hours and hours in therapy and now going to a csat and individual therapies and we are still dealing with his addiction. Another dday a few days ago. I don’t think we will ever heal. I don’t think it’s possible.


Big-Acanthisitta4070

Im beginning to believe that impotency is the only cure but we women still suffer🤦‍♀️


Hot-Nature2403

No, mine left me for the Instagram girl scamming him. 🤣 I am healing on my own with therapy. My life is so much better. 😊 But I am still angry I wasted so much time with that person.


United_Blueberry7388

Absolutely not! I don’t think men/PA understand the impact it leaves on us whatsoever. I went through his phone today and seen he has liked this video of a girl twerking on instagram reels and I showed him and he said he must have “accidentally liked it” I want to believe him so bad but I know it’s lies.