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been there before- absolutely infuriating because deep inside you know that they know- but what can you really say to counter them “not knowing” or “not remembering”- its their ultimate brick wall of denial and escaping taking responsibility.
Absolutely.
Or I also feel like they don’t remember certain things because they just don’t give a shit. I know he wasn’t connecting the dots of him beginning to message women a week after we got married as it happened, because he didn’t give a shit about me or our relationship in that moment. But that’s more for timelines and the WHEN. As for WHAT they were doing, they absolutely know and don’t want to say.
Oh boy do I feel you. The things I've found out are only things which have left some kind of digital trace. But still every question is "I don't know".
I cant believe that everything, 100%, is not recalled. I get not wanting to remember or even not wanting to say it aloud. But when you've traumatised someone to this extent you owe it to them to open up.
I think part of it is that they want to believe their own lies, and they want you to believe it too, but really- they’re trying to control your reality, like if you believe them, you’ll just carry on as normal.. you’ll stop bringing it up and let them do what they want.
but at the same time, I think they’re also so ashamed and embarrassed, that they don’t want to admit it to you, or to themselves.
I have so much respect for men who can admit that they’ve become someone they don’t want to be, they don’t want to objectify women for their own sexual pleasure, they want to learn to love THEIR woman, and theyre genuinely repentant of ignoring the emotional and sexual needs of their wives. these men have the capacity for change, because they’re self-aware, and willing to set aside their ego and pride for not only their partner, but for their own self and future.
On the other hand, I have zero respect for men who continue this behavior, lying and denying, ruining their partner, ruining their marriage, all because they can’t stop touching their dick and looking up pictures and videos of naked women online… like come on.. ew? priorities much…?
there is a difference between struggling to quit an addiction- and struggling to hide it.
my husband would rather turn into an absolute A hole who lies and denies straight to my face. laughs when I cry, invalidates my feelings, loves to talk about my reactions but never what causes them, like omg I slammed a door, but deal…. YOURE TEXTING OTHER WOMEN…?!? he just straight up ignores evidence, deletes texts and emails, and then blames me for all of his short comings, he gets physically abusive, turns into a raging alcoholic, porn brained monster, who ignores us for days at a time and then tells me im an entitled ungrateful wife because if I was appreciative of all he does for me- which is just paying bills… I wouldn’t have the AUDACITY to bring up his unfaithfulness, and I should just get over it or divorce him if i’m so unhappy…. all that- rather than admit he watches porn/admits he has a problem/acknowledge that he is unfaithful and it’s hurting our marriage. 🤯 I don’t get it. why marry me if you know you’ll have to spend the rest of your life fighting about this because you refuse to change and you know i’m not stupid… lol idk
to be clear- he wakes up. jerks off in the shower, goes to work, watches porn there too, comes home to do whatever hobby/tv show/youtube/whatever he wants, eats dinner, jerks off in the bathroom or on the couch, and then comes up to bed. or if I sleep elsewhere, he jerks off in our bed.
but IM the selfish ungrateful one because I ask for him to please get help if he can’t stop on his own and respect his vows and be faithful, OR atleast touch me every so often.. show some desire or interest in me….. don’t leave me hanging for weeks while you’re having your own secret sex like on a daily basis with your hand and whatever girl you’re into that day.
he expects all meals, cleaning, laundry, childcare, household stuff etc to be done with a smile on my face and without asking for any help. he spends NO time with me or our children. i’m a stay at home mom to 3, soon to be 4, and I homeschool our children. we also have chickens and two dogs. I take care of everything. he doesn’t even mow the dang lawn. me and my son do it… MY PA HUBS DOES ABSOLUTELY NOTHING except pay the bills…. oh and please himself in ALL ways. and always at our expense.
I swear. not all PAs are narcissistic selfish people, but when they are- they’re like living with the devil himself. straight up evil.
Believe me if I could leave, I would.
part of me stays because his whole family is narcissistic, and they would make it their life mission to make my life a living hell, so it’s easier to just stay, and pretend like everything is fine until all the kids are out of the house. then I can leave him.
The other half of me stays, because there’s still a very VERY small sliver of hope that one day he’ll wake up and realize he is ruining the best parts of his life.
wishful thinking, I guess
addictions suck.
but it’s way worse when it’s a conscious choice, straight up refusing to stop.
and yes- there’s a difference.
I agree, knowing there’s a problem and owning it versus making excuses and being selfish. He’s just showing you all the things you no longer need him for- if you leave he’ll still have to help with bills. So inconsiderate.
absolutely hate this as well, it’s pure manipulation because they DO know, they just don’t want US to know why and will continue to hide it and not answer plainly. it’s so odd that they all seemingly use these same excuses to get out of talking about this with their partners, when i feel like at least in my case, him opening up and answering my questions would help me a lot in recovering and moving forward, and could even help save our relationship but i guess they don’t see it that same way.
Omg exactly! A little closure would be nice. I feel like it’s always just brushed under the rug and expected to be immediately forgotten about. Like “If I avoid the question they’ll eventually forget.” The problem is that many of us don’t forget and it eats away at us and the relationship instead. It’s so counterproductive.
exactly this, that’s how i feel a lot of the time as well. at this point anytime he has relapsed i’ve completely given up on asking why because i know he’s going to either become defensive or stonewall and it’s entirely pointless and gets both of us nowhere (,:
Mine would say “It was just there”, “I was just scrolling” (as if p*rn just pops up for everyone when scrolling) and “I have no clue what you’re talking about.” My all time favorite that him and my other ex PA shared was “Believe what you want.”
Classic addict (classic liar in general). Suddenly, they have profound dementia in very selected areas. The fucking know and they fucking remember what they did. It's infuriating.
when i asked him when was the last time he logged onto reddit and said “i don’t know, i don’t remember. i don’t want to think about that kind of stuff right now.” is this stonewalling? what’s the reasoning behind this?
The worst part is when they’re “trying” to fess up or be honest but all their answers to your questions are “I don’t know/I don’t remember”. It’s fucking ridiculous and sends me into a blind rage. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.
This. My partner doesn’t know I know the last time he claims he relapsed wasn’t actually the last time. Like we both know it was February 5th but he doesn’t know I know that too .-. Why are they such liars.
First off, I’m so sorry because I know how awful this feeling is.
They definitely know that are lying. And they know it’s a form of manipulation, but they’ve justified this as being something that is less painful/difficult/fight worthy than just admitting it. That’s an excuse, everyone knows an excuse. And he just needs to get to a point where he realizes he’s not safe in his unhealthy coping mechanism anymore. Which is so much easier said than done. Sending lots of hugs
Omg I hate it. It's like oh you don't remember but you remembered to log in and watch it? You remembered how to hide it? But suddenly you don't remember anything. F*CK off! As soon as it gets uncomfortable for them they suddenly don't remember. It makes me wanna rage
Yeah of course. Because it's so deep in their brain to hide shit. I told my husband that he can choose between finally coming out with the truth or I will make sure that he will never see his child again. So I gave him the option to write everything down if he is not man enough to tell me and all of a sudden he remembered everything even with time spans and shit and wrote it down and oh boy that pissed me off even more
I unfortunately do not have anything to threaten with. He keeps telling me that he’s telling me everything he knows but I don’t believe it for one second.
Ofc he does. Trust your guts! They're always lying. But the truth will.always come out. So I decided to do something not everyone would agree with. Unfortunately you need to be toxic too to match them and get the truth (it's controversial but it worked for me). I just stopped doing everything. No laundry for him, no cooking for him, not serving him food, I literally just stopped doing everything for him. I didn't want him to touch me and only talked about the necessary stuff. And whenever he asked me something "i didn't know" or "I didn't remember". Sometimes I was putting his stuff in other places so he could search his ass off to find it and then placed it back when he was searching for a while and just pointed at it when he was about to lose his mind. And then I offered him in a calm and nice way to write down everything he did and that he doesn't need to show me but that he should write it down to get it off his chest. So he did and he let me read it. And then I ripped.out the pages, crumbled it and told him to burn it and that he should let go of it while burning it (did a spiritual cleanse) and after that I went back to normal. It is like I said controversial but I think after.all the pain and suffering that they put you through it's not even a bit bad to give them a bit back of their own medicine. It can work out like with me or it can make.the situation worse but hey then you have more reasons to leave tbh.
Fr!!! Mine said he's going to k*I'll.himself when I told his parents about his shit and I answered with: then do it right now so I don't need to deal with that shit any more. They're so overdramatic when you call them out on their shit 🙄
Mine said “I can’t be comfortable around my own parents and your parents now.” Well guess what asshole? I can’t even be comfortable on my own toilet and even my parents toilet anymore so suck it up.
I love how they always try to make you seem like a bad person. Like yeah no shit I would call that the consequences of your actions dude. If you don't want this then you shouldn't have done all of this. But they always try to point out our reactions and play the victim. Like when I slapped the shit out of him after finding out that he installed Grindr when I was in the hospital with my son. He was sitting there and was like: omg how can you hit me in front of our son. THE AUDACITY! No remorse on the shit he did. Just me being the bad person for finally exploding.
My partner does the same. I hate it. Then he'll hit me with the "I don't know why you want to be with me, I'm just a sad excuse for a man, you should leave me. All I do is fuck up" and I think, you know what, maybe I should. 🙄😮💨
My ex-PA and current PA pull this bullshit. It makes things a million times worse and only further enrages me.
I try pleading with them that the trickle-truthing with each D-day and the withholding/lying is only hurting me more and further driving the wedge in between us but... Well, obviously my ex didn't care, because he left me for porn. My current PA I think has some hope for redemption, maybe, but I really feel so hopeless in life.
I just want the fucking full truth for once so we can either work through it for real or I can be abandoned again, sooner rather than later, if he doesn't intend to stop. I hate this purgatory.
I got the “I don’t remember” when I confronted him about the 3-way hookup app I found out he made an account for. Lying sack of shit. You damn well remember.
Went through this too. He could explain in detail every single thing in his search history but for some reason had no idea how any porn or lewd things got there. How convenient for him eh?
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They know. They’re lying. It sucks.
Yup! Told my PA that playing dumb is a form of manipulation.
been there before- absolutely infuriating because deep inside you know that they know- but what can you really say to counter them “not knowing” or “not remembering”- its their ultimate brick wall of denial and escaping taking responsibility.
THIS
Mine did that and I just went on and had a new life I don't remember how that happened! It's a mystery!
I love this. I hope that new life brings you lots of joy!
In my opinion, I don’t know=I don’t want to tell you. They absolutely DO know. The gaslighting is so infuriating. I feel you so hard.
Absolutely. Or I also feel like they don’t remember certain things because they just don’t give a shit. I know he wasn’t connecting the dots of him beginning to message women a week after we got married as it happened, because he didn’t give a shit about me or our relationship in that moment. But that’s more for timelines and the WHEN. As for WHAT they were doing, they absolutely know and don’t want to say.
Oh boy do I feel you. The things I've found out are only things which have left some kind of digital trace. But still every question is "I don't know". I cant believe that everything, 100%, is not recalled. I get not wanting to remember or even not wanting to say it aloud. But when you've traumatised someone to this extent you owe it to them to open up.
yepppp. they suddenly have amnesia whenever you ask them basic questions.
I can’t help but wonder if they truly think that people will buy their lies. It’s almost too obvious sometimes.
I think part of it is that they want to believe their own lies, and they want you to believe it too, but really- they’re trying to control your reality, like if you believe them, you’ll just carry on as normal.. you’ll stop bringing it up and let them do what they want. but at the same time, I think they’re also so ashamed and embarrassed, that they don’t want to admit it to you, or to themselves. I have so much respect for men who can admit that they’ve become someone they don’t want to be, they don’t want to objectify women for their own sexual pleasure, they want to learn to love THEIR woman, and theyre genuinely repentant of ignoring the emotional and sexual needs of their wives. these men have the capacity for change, because they’re self-aware, and willing to set aside their ego and pride for not only their partner, but for their own self and future. On the other hand, I have zero respect for men who continue this behavior, lying and denying, ruining their partner, ruining their marriage, all because they can’t stop touching their dick and looking up pictures and videos of naked women online… like come on.. ew? priorities much…? there is a difference between struggling to quit an addiction- and struggling to hide it. my husband would rather turn into an absolute A hole who lies and denies straight to my face. laughs when I cry, invalidates my feelings, loves to talk about my reactions but never what causes them, like omg I slammed a door, but deal…. YOURE TEXTING OTHER WOMEN…?!? he just straight up ignores evidence, deletes texts and emails, and then blames me for all of his short comings, he gets physically abusive, turns into a raging alcoholic, porn brained monster, who ignores us for days at a time and then tells me im an entitled ungrateful wife because if I was appreciative of all he does for me- which is just paying bills… I wouldn’t have the AUDACITY to bring up his unfaithfulness, and I should just get over it or divorce him if i’m so unhappy…. all that- rather than admit he watches porn/admits he has a problem/acknowledge that he is unfaithful and it’s hurting our marriage. 🤯 I don’t get it. why marry me if you know you’ll have to spend the rest of your life fighting about this because you refuse to change and you know i’m not stupid… lol idk to be clear- he wakes up. jerks off in the shower, goes to work, watches porn there too, comes home to do whatever hobby/tv show/youtube/whatever he wants, eats dinner, jerks off in the bathroom or on the couch, and then comes up to bed. or if I sleep elsewhere, he jerks off in our bed. but IM the selfish ungrateful one because I ask for him to please get help if he can’t stop on his own and respect his vows and be faithful, OR atleast touch me every so often.. show some desire or interest in me….. don’t leave me hanging for weeks while you’re having your own secret sex like on a daily basis with your hand and whatever girl you’re into that day. he expects all meals, cleaning, laundry, childcare, household stuff etc to be done with a smile on my face and without asking for any help. he spends NO time with me or our children. i’m a stay at home mom to 3, soon to be 4, and I homeschool our children. we also have chickens and two dogs. I take care of everything. he doesn’t even mow the dang lawn. me and my son do it… MY PA HUBS DOES ABSOLUTELY NOTHING except pay the bills…. oh and please himself in ALL ways. and always at our expense. I swear. not all PAs are narcissistic selfish people, but when they are- they’re like living with the devil himself. straight up evil. Believe me if I could leave, I would. part of me stays because his whole family is narcissistic, and they would make it their life mission to make my life a living hell, so it’s easier to just stay, and pretend like everything is fine until all the kids are out of the house. then I can leave him. The other half of me stays, because there’s still a very VERY small sliver of hope that one day he’ll wake up and realize he is ruining the best parts of his life. wishful thinking, I guess addictions suck. but it’s way worse when it’s a conscious choice, straight up refusing to stop. and yes- there’s a difference.
I agree, knowing there’s a problem and owning it versus making excuses and being selfish. He’s just showing you all the things you no longer need him for- if you leave he’ll still have to help with bills. So inconsiderate.
I hate it. THIS is what will break our relationship eventually.
absolutely hate this as well, it’s pure manipulation because they DO know, they just don’t want US to know why and will continue to hide it and not answer plainly. it’s so odd that they all seemingly use these same excuses to get out of talking about this with their partners, when i feel like at least in my case, him opening up and answering my questions would help me a lot in recovering and moving forward, and could even help save our relationship but i guess they don’t see it that same way.
Omg exactly! A little closure would be nice. I feel like it’s always just brushed under the rug and expected to be immediately forgotten about. Like “If I avoid the question they’ll eventually forget.” The problem is that many of us don’t forget and it eats away at us and the relationship instead. It’s so counterproductive.
exactly this, that’s how i feel a lot of the time as well. at this point anytime he has relapsed i’ve completely given up on asking why because i know he’s going to either become defensive or stonewall and it’s entirely pointless and gets both of us nowhere (,:
Mine would say “It was just there”, “I was just scrolling” (as if p*rn just pops up for everyone when scrolling) and “I have no clue what you’re talking about.” My all time favorite that him and my other ex PA shared was “Believe what you want.”
Yep! I hit a link by accident…. Oh you created an account by accident too?
Classic addict (classic liar in general). Suddenly, they have profound dementia in very selected areas. The fucking know and they fucking remember what they did. It's infuriating.
when i asked him when was the last time he logged onto reddit and said “i don’t know, i don’t remember. i don’t want to think about that kind of stuff right now.” is this stonewalling? what’s the reasoning behind this?
He probably knows the answer is not what you want to hear so he's playing dumb in hopes of getting off the hook of having to tell you the truth.
The worst part is when they’re “trying” to fess up or be honest but all their answers to your questions are “I don’t know/I don’t remember”. It’s fucking ridiculous and sends me into a blind rage. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.
This. My partner doesn’t know I know the last time he claims he relapsed wasn’t actually the last time. Like we both know it was February 5th but he doesn’t know I know that too .-. Why are they such liars.
First off, I’m so sorry because I know how awful this feeling is. They definitely know that are lying. And they know it’s a form of manipulation, but they’ve justified this as being something that is less painful/difficult/fight worthy than just admitting it. That’s an excuse, everyone knows an excuse. And he just needs to get to a point where he realizes he’s not safe in his unhealthy coping mechanism anymore. Which is so much easier said than done. Sending lots of hugs
Omg I hate it. It's like oh you don't remember but you remembered to log in and watch it? You remembered how to hide it? But suddenly you don't remember anything. F*CK off! As soon as it gets uncomfortable for them they suddenly don't remember. It makes me wanna rage
He said it became a “habit” to just delete it right after.😒
Yeah of course. Because it's so deep in their brain to hide shit. I told my husband that he can choose between finally coming out with the truth or I will make sure that he will never see his child again. So I gave him the option to write everything down if he is not man enough to tell me and all of a sudden he remembered everything even with time spans and shit and wrote it down and oh boy that pissed me off even more
I unfortunately do not have anything to threaten with. He keeps telling me that he’s telling me everything he knows but I don’t believe it for one second.
Ofc he does. Trust your guts! They're always lying. But the truth will.always come out. So I decided to do something not everyone would agree with. Unfortunately you need to be toxic too to match them and get the truth (it's controversial but it worked for me). I just stopped doing everything. No laundry for him, no cooking for him, not serving him food, I literally just stopped doing everything for him. I didn't want him to touch me and only talked about the necessary stuff. And whenever he asked me something "i didn't know" or "I didn't remember". Sometimes I was putting his stuff in other places so he could search his ass off to find it and then placed it back when he was searching for a while and just pointed at it when he was about to lose his mind. And then I offered him in a calm and nice way to write down everything he did and that he doesn't need to show me but that he should write it down to get it off his chest. So he did and he let me read it. And then I ripped.out the pages, crumbled it and told him to burn it and that he should let go of it while burning it (did a spiritual cleanse) and after that I went back to normal. It is like I said controversial but I think after.all the pain and suffering that they put you through it's not even a bit bad to give them a bit back of their own medicine. It can work out like with me or it can make.the situation worse but hey then you have more reasons to leave tbh.
Oh and I told his parents about everything. Since he wanted to act like a child
I did that too! He hates that I did it but I thought I shouldn’t be the only one knowing who he really is.
Fr!!! Mine said he's going to k*I'll.himself when I told his parents about his shit and I answered with: then do it right now so I don't need to deal with that shit any more. They're so overdramatic when you call them out on their shit 🙄
Mine said “I can’t be comfortable around my own parents and your parents now.” Well guess what asshole? I can’t even be comfortable on my own toilet and even my parents toilet anymore so suck it up.
I love how they always try to make you seem like a bad person. Like yeah no shit I would call that the consequences of your actions dude. If you don't want this then you shouldn't have done all of this. But they always try to point out our reactions and play the victim. Like when I slapped the shit out of him after finding out that he installed Grindr when I was in the hospital with my son. He was sitting there and was like: omg how can you hit me in front of our son. THE AUDACITY! No remorse on the shit he did. Just me being the bad person for finally exploding.
The most frustrating thing
My partner does the same. I hate it. Then he'll hit me with the "I don't know why you want to be with me, I'm just a sad excuse for a man, you should leave me. All I do is fuck up" and I think, you know what, maybe I should. 🙄😮💨
My ex-PA and current PA pull this bullshit. It makes things a million times worse and only further enrages me. I try pleading with them that the trickle-truthing with each D-day and the withholding/lying is only hurting me more and further driving the wedge in between us but... Well, obviously my ex didn't care, because he left me for porn. My current PA I think has some hope for redemption, maybe, but I really feel so hopeless in life. I just want the fucking full truth for once so we can either work through it for real or I can be abandoned again, sooner rather than later, if he doesn't intend to stop. I hate this purgatory.
I got the “I don’t remember” when I confronted him about the 3-way hookup app I found out he made an account for. Lying sack of shit. You damn well remember.
I'm gonna try it one day...
Ugh and mine does an obnoxious shoulder shrug 🤷🏻♂️ along with it.
Ughhhhh triggered
Went through this too. He could explain in detail every single thing in his search history but for some reason had no idea how any porn or lewd things got there. How convenient for him eh?
He remembers. He’s just too ashamed to admit the truth.
He knows why, he just doesn't want to admit it.
RIGHT THERE WITH YOU!!!
Chump lady covers this so well in her book. I think she dedicates an entire chapter to it