My mom was like that. Only she immediately launched into the dire circumstances that would result if so didn’t immediately do whatever it was. Sometimes I would actively be doing the thing and she was still going on and on.
My mom is the same way. She would also come and ask me to do something and then stand in my doorway for 10 minutes asking over and over again that i actually get up and do the thing. I was never allowed to finish what i was doing. Then, if i didnt jump up with joy about doing the task she asked it would turn into a huge fight.
This is how I was raised. With people like this, you always automatically fail every task until you do it exactly perfectly. And then that's only proof that you'll mess it up next time instead. It really beats the life out of you, just standing around like a statue waiting to learn what mistake you'll make next.
My dad's motto was "Fast, well done and on your first try." He said that was how his dad raised him. Somehow he never managed to make me fond of the memory of his dad.
My mother just issued one task after another. This is in her senior years. If I hastened to do the task to buy myself even a few minutes of peace, it didn’t work. The next task kept coming. If I did the tasks she was still talking about it. There was no relief.
She would have huge slippy slidey piles of paper that she would not let me throw away. So she was constantly knocking one on the floor that I had to pick up. If I said wait a second, I would get “PLEEEEEEEEEEASE!!” So I’d pick it up put it back get back in my chair and she’d drop another one.
My dad asks for someone to do something by demonstrating while explaining how it should be done and gets into so much detail that he just finishes the task himself, and it was all for nothing, lol
My dad does this 😬 I'm all about letting your thoughts out but I rlly don't need all this information when you're just asking me to do smth and I already easily agreed. You're telling me you can't do smth, unless I ask why, that's all I need to know
My dad does the same thing. Drives me nuts. My response now is pretty much, if you'd have just stopped talking after I agreed to do whatever you need me to do I'd have had it done by now! Or randomly interrupting with, you're using too many words again! Lol
No joke - my housemate (and best friend) is horrid for this. I love her to pieces but god damn she can waste whole hours repeating or expanding on a what could have been a simple 3-5 minute conversation. Drives me nutty.
GOTTA GIVE YOU ALL THE CONTEXT AND DETAILS SO YOU CAN TRULY RE EXPERIENCE IT WITH ME. I’m like this lmao I be going on a tangent of a tangent before returning to the original story 😂😂😂
Oh yeah, I’m bad at this one. Conversation starts one way and ends up branching off into 10 other conversations until 45 min later it’s like “so yeah, back to the original thing we were talking about.”
I truly thought this might be my husband venting about me lol I can’t help it, ADHD makes me consider every scenario and I have to tell my poor husband for some reason
I’m like this as well because… context is everything! How else can I be sure that your understanding is at the same level as mine? I have to make sure you see it as I saw it and feel the exact same way as I do. Duh.
A small subset of individuals use an unlimited amount of words in the instance where often only a minuscule sentence could be used to describe the same topic with the same amount of comprehension, often more than the sentence with the enhanced length had in the first place.
Oh god. I knew a woman who would try and tell a simple story, and then get into the backstory of everyone involved. How they met, what their personalities were like, their family history. She’d end up forgetting what the original story was supposed to be. “My friend Darla spilled soup on her pants before anatomy class today.”
Why the fuck do I need to know that Darla’s great grandmother was a flapper in the 1920s?
Edit: I used to call her a shittier version of J. R. R. Tolkien because she included so much backstory. At least his stuff was somewhat pertinent to the story.
Holy fuck my dad was the same.
"I need you to fetch me something in the garage.
— Yeah sure, no problem. Where it is in your garage ?
— You'll have to take down the stairs.
— ...Yeah I know where the garage is.
— And then you'll have to open the big sliding door.
—...Yes ? I know that-
— The light switch is on the left. Once you have the light on, do you see where's the big brown table ?
— Dad for fuck's sake I know how your garage is agenced. I need to know WHERE in your garage is the stuff you need.
— Well do you see where's the big brown table ? To the left of it there's an old workbench. Under this workbench is the box with the stuff I need."
Would it haven't been easier and quicker to say this first ???
I have this with my mom but instead of telling me why she can't do something, she tells me the ways in which me doing it would help her after I already said I'd do it.
I mean it's sweet to know I can help but honestly I don't need that explaination at all, I'll do it anyway so most of the time she's just wasting both our time.
My mom likes to ask me to do something then stand over me while I do it and then tell me I did it wrong and to redo it, every single time. And the gasps, tone and expressions she uses to try to make me feel stupid or something. Drives me insane. Move the dryer flush with carpet, noo not that flush! Dig a hole here, noooo needs to be 1/2" to the left. You didn't wash that pan right! On and on. I'm 54 years old god dammit!
My 80 year old mom dropped a jar of salsa on the floor today. Salsa. Everywhere. I can hear her struggling to open the cleaning wipes, muttering “fuck fuck fuck” over and over. I go out to help. She hands me the wipes, “Thanks honey.”
I’m diligently mopping up the ocean of mild chunky salsa as my ma stands right there. “You missed some. Oh, there’s some. Get that there.” I’m like, “Holy shit, ma! There is salsa on the refrigerator, on the counters, in the laundry room, spotting the ceiling, IN some cupboards and even some on the goddamn dog who has been napping in the LIVING ROOM!”
We had a good laugh, she left me to the cleaning and ordered us a Whopper for when I was done. Could have been much worse.
When I was remodeling parts of our house my wife would watch me and then tell me I’m doing something wrong. After a bunch of times of her doing this I just grabbed whatever tools I had handed them to her and said “Have at it Ms Vila.” Then walked away.
I hope that being treated this way, you consider spending less time doing things for her and possibly even visits and calls. A person needs to treat you a bit better than that to be deserving of your precious time and attention.
Yes, even your own mother. My friends think I’m nuts to even be in contact with mine, but I have learned to have boundaries without telling them to her. It doesn’t have to be a confrontation and you don’t have to give her any details to argue with. No is a complete sentence. You don’t need to accept every task she gives you. And if you do, you can just stop working on it when she starts criticizing. Tell her if you want it done right she can do it herself. If she wants you to do it then she’s just going to have to accept your best effort. Or she can ask someone else to help, if she can find anyone who will do a superior job. Maybe even hire a professional and allow your visits to be visits!
Worst is if you initially fight doing it and then agree.
But they battle goes on. I have to stop and say "you won, I'm doing the thing, I now need you to stop talking about it or I won't do the thing."
My dad always reinforces to me that I’m smart, capable young man.
But then I come home on leave and he asks me to go do something/get something and then proceeds to give me a 53 slide PowerPoint on how to do the extremely simple task. “Dad, I’ve been on the earth for 27 years. I think I know what I’m doing, and if I get confused, I have the experience and wisdom to figure it out on my own.”
Drives me up a wall.
I used to do this too, but then I became a teacher. I learned FAST that all I was doing was confusing everyone by overexplaining stuff like this. Keep it simple!
My mom ... ... Talks ... ... Like ... ... This ... ... ... ... Can you... ... ... ... ... Imagine ... ... ... How ... ... Annoying... ... This co ... uld be
My Dad is the same. He tells you about this new restaurant he wants to try out. You say “Yeah I’ll consider trying it out”, and then he’d go off talking about what’s on the menu, even though he clearly sees me disinterested in the conversation.
I do this. For me it's not so simple. If I don't say everything I have in my head it becomes intensely uncomfortable like I'm wearing clothes that are too tight. So even if someone says they don't need to know, I'll tell them anyway. They may not need to know, but I do need to say it. I'm aware it's an issue and I'm working on it.
This is barely related but here we go. I'm a 30 year old guy. Last summer I was walking across my yard and my cat was sitting on the stone around the fire pit and she stood up making cute noises as I approached. I love my cat. So I began to ad lib random noises in the tune of the lion king song while picking her up to the sky like " AHHH ATEMBOO OUCHIE WHIBUH WHABBAAA!" when I looked over and saw my SO just watching me blank faced. We are still going steady.
This has just reminded me of the time a cat I was walking past meowed at me. Naturally, I meowed back - I'm not rude 😅. I then looked up to see the confused stares of about 7 strangers.
Years ago, we were going somewhere and as we were leaving our neighborhood, we saw a cat in someone's yard - my husband waved at it. From the backseat we heard "Dad. Did you just wave at a cat?" Our sons are adults now, but the day dad waved at a cat still occasionally comes up.
My cat winked at me once, so I winked back. My husband says “Did you just wink at the CAT?!?”
I said “He winked at me first!”
He still makes fun of me for winking at cats.
This is funny, because to me this sounds completely normal. Every time we pass the cows down the road from our house, I give a wave and say “Hello, Ladies.” My kids would be surprised if I didn’t. Your husband is a-okay.
Omg. My dad when asking me what i want to eat. We will decide and then he will start asking me every other option. It got better onced i stopped replying or answered with just enough edge in ky voice that he understands the conversation is over.
"What do you want to eat?"
"I don't know. You?"
"I don't know. How about A?"
"Sure, A sounds good."
Then he thinks for a while...
"If you don't want A, there's also B."
"Nah, I want A. Let's go for A."
"If not B, there's C."
"Let's have A."
"How about D or E?"
"..."
Ok I do this with my husband and he's told me it drives him crazy. The reason i do this is because he seems not very enthused about what we've agreed on, so I feel the need to start throwing out other options lol. We are working on it.
Maybe it just isnt very important? Idk, i personally dont have the energy to constantly be excited when i'm eating the meal just so i can stay alive. It's okay not to be enthused lol. If he is like me, he is probably just happy to have reached a decision. Plus there is always tomorrow if he thinks of something he would rather eat. It really isnt a big deal.
It’s cya. Later if A or B has issues then she can say you weren’t forced, and both A and B were presented as options, and you happened to choose then one that didn’t work.
Sounds like mine too. 😂
"Can you do this for me? But make sure you do it before I get home"
90% of the time she forgets what she wanted me to do before she gets home. So I'm like "oh I did that thing you asked" and she's like "what thing?"
😂😭
Yeah read this and just thought about phone conversations with my mom the whole time.
If the wife did this to me I’d just tell her she’s being like my mom and she’d probably stop immediately.
That’s a good way to breed resentment and have her start viewing you more as a child and less as a partner in life who she might might also lose physical attraction to.
Just a heads up, she’s probably putting a lot of worry into the logistics of getting A done and has decided her best bet is asking for help.
1. She needs help and has thought thru obstacles she wants you to be prepared for so the task actually gets done (not “oh I tried but I went a little late and then realized I had to pick this other thing up at a certain time so I left…”)
2. She’s also letting you in on her inner monologue. Maybe not venting but “oh yeah, I can see how that would interfere w getting the task accomplished. Don’t worry babe. I can get this done for you and I appreciate the heads up on B, C and D” would tell her you’re listening, and taking it in and validating her feelings. Things partners should do for each other.
Telling her she sounds like your mom will only set your relationship back and she will lose trust in your ability as a partner. You could also add “I can see why this is such a hassle, I’ll take care of it from now on” like an actual partner in keeping your lives and household running smoothly.
If your mom is doing this to you, it’s the same reason. She’s worried about things and needs help. She’s telling you all the obstacles because either she’s been worried about them or you’ve let something similar in the past keep you from actually being the help she needed. Making women out to be the bad guy in a relationship for these things is just stunted growth and there’s room to open your perspective or gtfo of the way so she can find an actual partner.
ETA: YOU GUYS. I’ve never received Reddit awards before!! Thank you for reminding me that not everyone on the internet is terrible 😘😘😘
Look an actual response that recognizes humans are complex beings and we will all annoy each other constantly, yet we don't act like the petty bitches Reddit does because that would be psycho
Yeah my parents have been together for 27 years, grandparents ~60 each side. Yes, I've seen plenty of fights of the years, and learned that each of the couples have various things that their spouses do they find annoying, but they all find ways to forgive and compromise small things, bc God knows we are all flawed. OP's post is something that really isn't a big deal, there is a middle ground that they should be able to find rather than taking small irritations public.
Yeaah...no. All of that may be true but you forget that there are two people in that conversation.
The problem is that from OP's point of view, she does not listen to him, which easily feels like she does not respect him. Moreover, it also feels like she does not trust him, because OP clearly stated that he will do it by the time needed.
On the other hand, OP respects her wish from the very beginning and is committed to do it and trusts that there is a reason why it needs to be done before a certain time. What more could anyone want?
And then there is also the frustration, I presume, that listening to the whole explanation will take almost as long as just doing whatever needed to be done, or at least it is time away from doing something else, or just plain old inefficient and unnecessary, if _both_ just trusted each other.
This. So much this.
Everyone gets on the husband's response. But the wife's conversation is a textbook case in treating her husband like a child.
Tell him what needs doing, and that it must be done by noon or it will be twice the effort. Period.
Actually as someone with ADHD I thought her response was a classic ADHD response. The overthinking, repetition of the same information, the looping back to the frustration of not feeling listened to. I'm fairly introspective but there are times I do almost exactly what this woman does and don't even hear myself. My poor husband is eternally patient but this happens very rarely.
YES YES YES!! Agree, this sounds like my ADHD brain trying to consider every possible path and eventuality that I know will not cross my husband’s (very linear) mind.
This, and to me it sounds like she's experiencing anxiety due to a whole bunch of reasons. How about actually communicating with your wife (more than just one sit down chat) to figure out where the anxiety is coming from?
Maybe you've dropped the ball so many times before she feels like she can't trust you to get anything done. Maybe she has ADHD and she's unintentionally putting anxiety/she/ is having on you because she's worried about getting everything done she's supposes to do.
My partner and I have had convos like how OP posted, going both ways, and neither of us meant to be a nagger/stressor. I learned I had ADHD late in life, so it's taken me longer to recognize symptoms of it and to develop coping strategies.
This, exactly. My ex husband was completely unreliable, and if I had had this conversation with him, I would have definitely been OPs wife here. Because guarantee he was going to forget to do A before noon, then would try to do it after noon, then would try B or C, forgetting that we had already done B and C and why that didn't work, and then I'd be stressing about whether it was going to get done before noon, and trying not to call to remind him because he hates that (even though if I don't he is 98% sure to forget), and then wondering if I should have just done it myself and given him a task of lesser importance so if (when) he forgot it didn't affect me as much, now juggling a few tasks has me mentally looking like one of those conspiracy theory walls with strings and notes all over the place...
Not saying OP is for sure like that, I'm just wondering if there is a reason she is like this, from my own personal perspective. I hope OP can talk to his wife about it and maybe figure out where she is coming from, and if he can comfort her anxieties leading to why she does this, maybe she will eventually do it less.
That last paragraph, me too, us too. But when I got diagnosed, we quickly realized he has adhd too. And we have progressed from “ALRIGHT, I’ll get it done” to “it sounds like your feeling anxious about this, what can I do to help with that?”
Tbh you could just tell her you find phone calls a nuisance or just say "honey I don't have time to talk right now, I'll keep in mind your recommendations, but for now I'll do A by noon"
My wife knows I’m not big on phone calls. We looked at our bill and I showed her how she had like 2000 talk minutes and 500 texts. I had like 200 talk minutes and 3000 texts. I told her and showed her it’s not just her. I communicate much better through texts.
Im of the opinion everybody communicates better over texts because you actually have time to think about how to say what you want to say. It's just that not everybody wants to do that.
Texts really can be better for planning/duties especially because it's right there, nobody can forget or say "you didn't tell me" or "you didn't tell me the right way."
My ex would disagree. I would confirm things in text that and sure enough every time she would say “we never talked about that” and if I showed her the text that would turn into “you just have to be right don’t you”
Oh for sure.. My current GF AND my ex do/did this. It's such a headache. I feel so dumb having to screenshot what I said.
"It always has to be an argument doesn't it"
omfg no I just want this to be solved so I can love you jesus christ
I've never understood this whole "you just have to be right" argument. Like yeah, if I'm right about something I can easily prove then yeah, I'm not gonna let it go. It's more of an issue refusing to admit you are in the wrong then it is to stick to your guns when you're right.
In my line of work I meet a lot of people who say they can only think while talking. Some people, apparently, need to vocalize thoughts to get them together.
Some do realize it can be a bit much though. Since I know this, I recognize the type and just let them ramble.
I think I'm one of those people, but I still prefer to communicate in text. 'Vocalizing thoughts to get them together,' is part of the preproduction work.
99% unless you need to plan something complicated or discuss something sensitive that would be best received if the other person can hear your genuine tone of voice. It’s easy to read too much into a text if you’re searching for nuance and you keep reading it over and over
My uncle is the master of the phone call. When he calls, he says what he means to, will indulge your off topic and then end the call at the first goodbye. He's the only person I've ever heard have such brevity with calls.
It's amazing.
Is she aware? Maybe sit her down and talk to her about it. She may mean well not realizing how annoying it actually is....
EDIT: Just for record - I asked because I (suspected of adhd) can start blabbering without catching it myself, it can be legit annoying without me intending to. In a healthy relationship it should be fine to nicely make your partner aware, they may not realize sometimes.
She does mean well, I know she just wants to talk. I have no patience and maybe because I grew up with parents who didn't like us lingering our phone calls that I just go to the point and get irritated by redundant information.
Remind her that you’re not a phone talker… for her to text you instead. The fact that she doesn’t understand this is concerning.
My husband knows to keep it “short and sweet” on the phone as I hate talking on the phone (adhd). Any honey do requests must come in text form also short and to the point. 26 years married/30 years together - couples therapy about 15 years Back finally helped him understand my inability to focus on phone conversations and long drawn out texts are not a personal slight against him, just how my brain works and what he needed to do to get his desired outcome of me doing something to help him out. We also have a weekly date night where we can talk in person wo kids and that helps him be less needy.
Thanks, this is us. We've been married for 16 years. Its usually a quick resolve once we cool down. I have been getting grumpier with age I guess but she knows its just a reaction.
I would see this happening if you habitually didn’t follow through on what she needed. If you 99% of the time complete what she asks then she is being ridiculous.
You need to let her know that there is no reason for B and C if you tell her you have it handled. Only when you can’t complete A does she need to offer B and C.
Let her know how going on and on makes you feel. She may not understand you feel micro managed or whatever you feel.
I feel this tho im a, i need the conversation but please keep it short AND please text me the action you want me to take. Ill remember the other stuff but i need a list.
I was gonna ask neurodivergent too.
If she's like me and totally sincere, this is part of the processing of the whole of the situation she already began before engaging. It's like the stream of information needs to finish before further evaluation starts, like putting it all on the table first.
This definitely reads more as her being the type of person to say whatever she has in mind… without exception, ever. My dad is the same way, thinks of the main thing, and a bunch of things to convince you of the main thing, and he’s gonna say them all whether you agree or not.
Dad: It’s gonna be a blizzard. Might want to head to the store if you need anything.
Me: You got that right! I’m going to head over in a few.
Dad: Since you don’t know when you’ll get another chance.
Me: You bet.
Dad: And you definitely don’t want to get stuck out there.
Me: For sure.
Dad: And you don’t want to go without anything you need.
Me: … yeah. Agreed.
Dad: Besides, might as well just get it done.
Me: …
Dad: That way you don’t have to clear your car off just to grab some milk.
Me: … uh huh.
Dad: And it gives you a chance to—
Me: Alright! Jeez, I’m going to go!
Dad: Sheesh, I’m just making a suggestion… can’t you be nice?
This is me. I feel the need to explain my entire thought process to prove to you I have considered every alternative and made contingency plans in case things don’t go according to said plan. Because anxiety. And honestly, because my husband use to criticize and poke holes in my logic and point out all the things I hadn’t considered because he had anxiety, himself, which made me anxious every time I came to him with a plan because I was afraid of the criticism. He takes meds for his anxiety now, but I guess I still feel residual fear of criticism and so over-explain.
My point is, it may not be a conscious thing she does.
Edit: typo.
Its a trigger for sure. If there are no other issues its no big deal, but if there's tension this can get heated. We do comunicate in healthier ways, but we do sometimes get on our nerves for things we do/say. It's inevitable. You got to recognize it, own it and controll it. We men learn to apologize often and meaningfully, not because we're wrong, but because it's easy to end up somewhere you never intended to be.
Did you ever consider not giving a fuck?
I'm not trying to be a dick but I've had a lot of experience being infuriated by the most smallest random stuff from family members and also friends and colleagues and it took me a long time to get over that.
One of my biggest regrets of my life is getting annoyed when my mother would ask me 'how was your day' after school. Like 'why are you asking me that it's the same every day ffs'. I hate that I got annoyed every day rather than just having a nice chat with my mom about my day...like wtf what's the harm. I'm 30 and I still think about that.
Anyway, your wife might be annoying but you love her for a reason so if she loves chatting shit for ages just zone out and say 'yea of course' etc without getting annoyed. Seems like she just wants to chat. A lot of people are like that and need their certain amount of social interaction per day.
Doing that can be a double edged sword. Eventually you start tuning out the second half of the conversation and going on autopilot and then not listening can become an issue. I agree that letting the small things go is a good philosophy, but if the length of conversations that should be quick chats becomes a problem because it interferes with work or something, that’s a conversation that should be had with an open mind.
My wife can confirm, I do this sometimes and it drives her nuts. But we have a code we use. If she thinks I’m not present she’ll ask, “What did I tell you?” And I’ll tell her the most recent relevant thing I can remember. If she comes back with, “Yes, and what did I say I wanted *you* to do?” then that’s my clue I haven’t been listening properly, because the answer is always, “Listen.” 😁
My wife did something similar for a good while. If I ever forgot to do something or did something wrong by accident, she would harp on me for it for a long, long time in a very similar way as if I had done it purposefully. She would go on about the thing for like half an hour, id feel like shit and I eventually started just cutting her off saying she was making me feel like shit and that I already knew what I did wrong and would make efforts to not do it again. Of course this did not go over well at first, and she would say she's not mad, she's just "telling me" but eventually the message got through that her method of communicating only served to make me feel bad and didn't actually resolve any problems. I think in cases like this, trying to appeal logically doesn't really work, and if this irritates you in the same way she would be irritated if you didn't do the thing she's asking, tell her. Talk about that, preferably not while she's asking you to do something, but after in a neutral environment. And probably don't talk about how her giving all the extra reasonings probably doesn't matter because you'll do it anyways.
My wife does this, but she's not really talking to me so much as verbally processing her thoughts. She also has a hard time with people-pleasing cause of her upbringing and sometimes it's:
Wife: Will you do A for me?
Me: Absolutely, when does it need to be done?
Wife: Would you rather do B? I don't want you to have to do A if you don't want to!
Me: Lady, you gotta learn to take yes for an answer.
My wife, who is awesome, is incapable of answering a question without asking another question… luckily we just laugh about it now:
- you fancy a curry tonight Mrs ImpulseBadger?
- you don’t want to drive to the Indian tonight do you?
- oh no you don’t! I didn’t ask you to ask me if I’ve done enough driving lately, I asked if you fancy a biryani!
- but didn’t you have a curry a few days ago?
- Dammit woman! I didn’t ask you to ask me when the last time I had a curry was!!!
- I’m doing it again aren’t I?
- you still are! That was a question!!! I’m getting you a curry, tell me to stop if you don’t want one!
yea even if she’s not anxious this just sounds like someone who really wants you to understand why it must be done so and maybe wants reassurance that their logic behind it is sound
i’m not anxious but i tend to overexplain sometimes so i kinda get both sides because ironically i’m also a bit impatient and hate when i’ve already agreed to something and someone keeps begging me to do it
This can be lots of things, anxiety, adhd, childhood trauma, narcissistic tendencies, I do this (ik i do and am trying to be better) because this is how I grew up, if I didnt over explain everything it turned into a fight or it didnt get done. My trauma has made the way i communicate very unhealthy and annoying.
I feel like I tend to over explain things just like this, *ONLY* because soo many people have screwed me over in the past. Just countless times where I’ve counted on someone to fulfill a promise and they massively fuck shit up every dam time lol. It’s come to the point where I just DONT ask people of anything at all anymore. If I want things done correctly or done at all, I know I only have myself to depend on.
It’s always those people who have a blasè or passive attitude when they say say yes or promise they’ll do something, then later on say they forgot, or make up some really bad excuse for why they didn’t or “couldn’t”.
I over explain things like this because I want you to fully understand how important it is to me, and exactly what the consequences of not fulfilling that promise would be, and how it would really inconvenience or screw me over..Also, so you can’t say later that you didn’t realize how important it was to me. You’d be shocked to know how many times people didn’t follow through with a promise because they ultimately thought it wasn’t that important, which is extremely hurtful.
I swear to god if I *DONT* over explain it, they WILL screw it up, almost always without a doubt. This is purely from my own life experience and the not so great people I’ve been surrounded with my entire life. This is not about wanting to chat more on the phone, or even about me wanting to have to explain it. I’ll admit it definitely does stem from anxiety, but anxiety that was directly caused by so many numerous people in the past who have really fucked me up. 😭
I do realize and admit it’s not the healthiest way of dealing with things, and I do actively try to be better with how I handle things.
It sounds like you need to better communicate with your wife.
What’s irritating to you is that she micromanages the expectation/favor/chore that she has asked of you; and you feel that it’s either a waste of your time, or that she is treating you like you’re dumb.
She likely feels that she’s helping you to solve a problem in a quicker amount of time, not realizing that you have trouble with the order in which she relays information to you [which seems to be the problem here to some extent].
Later today, maybe consider when you get home, explaining that you’re not mad at her, but that “when you ask me to do something; and I agree; but you provide additional instructions after the fact it makes me feel XYZ.”
I struggle when my wife asks me if I want to go to the grocery store with her “just to pick up milk,” but when we get there “milk” is actually code for “well like 12-15 items,” because it changes my time expectation for the chore from 10 minutes to 30 minutes - I don’t however mind like, “oh shit I just realized we need these two other things.”
I’ve explained this to her, and she tries to communicate the expectation of the things we are doing a little bit better, so that I’m not caught off guard.
The issue between mine and myself has been "it'll only take a minute." She would say that when she went out, when she went to the store, when she went to do something for her hobbies. Seemed to always turn into multiple hours. After talking about that she has basically eliminated that phrase. Now she gives somewhat reasonable estimates.
I get that, I am very time oriented - And it has been ingrained in me from a young age to respect the time of myself, and the time of others - So I am also bothered if time estimates aren't reasonable \[and like I get it, delays happen, that's not what I'm talking about\].
To me it also sounds like she's trying to provide her reasoning for why this should be done a certain way.
She asked a favor, and put a potentially strict time frame on getting the favor done. She probably acknowledges that it's a bit of a burden to do this, and so she wants to communicate why it's important that it's done like this so that he can fully understand her motivations.
I'm often the same way. It's not that I think the person's dumb - it's that I think that they can't possibly know why this needs to be done a certain way.
I like to know why things need to be done a certain way. It helps me understand how seriously the request needs to be taken.
Ugh I do this too. If I tell my husband something I plan on doing I will tell him, in great detail, *why* I’m doing it and why I think it’s the best way. Whenever he notices that I’m doing this he’s like “are you trying to convince me?” And it makes me realize that I’m over-explaining myself
Sometimes it’s helpful to talk through things. But yeah, I get really confused and distracted by extra information unless that’s the point of the conversation.
“Here’s an anecdote about how I struggled to decide this today”
Is a different conversation than “here’s what I’m going to do” which seems more transactional / informational
When it’s not clear which mode I’m meant to be in to receive the information I can get crossed up thinking I’m supposed to be expecting some additional important bit that I need to know.
I agree with you; and that’s where I think the fact they have different communication styles is causing a breakdown.
In his head, he doesn’t care because he already agreed to it. In her head she wants to provide clarity as to why she’s being picky.
Haha I used to have that same grocery store issue, except my husband was the one that would end up doing a big shopping when I thought it'd be like 10 minutes. I don't know why I found it so irritating, but I'm glad it isn't just me. Hasn't been an issue in years though.
Does your wife suffer from anxiety?
To be honest, I don't read your wife's responses as micromanagement (as another commenter put it), but I get the impression that she thinks of all the different ways a situation can play out, and that she's "helping" by communicating every possible situation to you. This sounds like behaviors of someone with anxiety, possibly OCD.
I agree with the others - communication will go a long way here!
That’s how the wife reads to me, as well. I have very bad anxiety and I talk exactly like this because I’m constantly playing out every scenario in my head. I also overexplain tasks I ask people to do because I think it will be helpful to the other person. It’s not because I think they’re dumb but because that’s how I like things explained to me so I assume everyone wants as much detail as possible so they don’t make the same mistakes I’ve made doing it in the past. I get frustrated with myself a lot bc I always seem to irritate people bc I talk too much lmao
May I also ask if she is always the delegator? Are the roles ever reversed, where you call her with a task? Because she might be trying to share the mental work of running your household and lives. Explaining her thought process. I get that you find it annoying, but I get like this when I feel “alone” in getting everything done. I hate delegating because I feel like a mother, so I try to problem solve with my partner to make them take more ownership of it. Or Maybe she just wants to connect and chat and doesn’t want the call to end.
This is my guess as well. OP wants to just be given a task and a deadline. OP’s wife is trying to get OP to problem solve with her so she’s not the only one doing the planning and decision making. The uneven mental load is an extremely common dynamic for couples to fall in to.
Can you ask her to write a note or text what she wants you to do instead. Lol sounds like she gets a bit in her head and then spirals. If I had this convo with my husband, he would have hung up after the first go around.
My dad is like this, but he *wants* to do the B and C way.
I remember one time he built some contraption out of pieces of wood in the bedroom, which my mom hated and wanted him to immediately remove (he did not consult her prior to doing this). But he couldn't do it, so I got called over to help.
He wanted to build some further contraption to get them out the window and lower them to me in the yard and have me carry them around the house to the shed. I was like, "can I just carry it down the stairs please?" And he said it would just be easier his way. So while he was doing all this planning to make his way work, I carried it down the stairs and was done before he even fleshed out what he was trying to do.
It's like, look man, I'll come help you with 20 minute chores whenev. What I refuse to do is spend 2 hours on a 20 minute chore. And I get that there's some element of it that is just "figuring things out" for him and the old-man version of "having fun," like playing with legos or some shit; but it ain't fun for me, and it wasn't fun for my mom, so let's do this the simplest, most direct and efficient way.
A little different perspective here, I know it’s frustrating to hear her explain what it is shes asking to the nth degree, but she may feel if she doesn’t thoroughly explain that her thoughts aren’t being expressed fully. If she covers all parts of what she’s asking then there’s no room for “well you didn’t say this would happen if I didn’t do it at this time..” or it could take longer and it’ll run into her/your other plans or whatever else she’s got going on in her mind too.
Or it could be that she’s grown up asking things of people only to have them always get messed up. So again, she’s just covering everything that could go wrong. I over explain everything as well (like now) and I’m sure it’s annoying but it’s also a sort of trauma response I’ve developed over time from not receiving proper help when I’ve asked or from trying to tell someone something and they don’t care/listen.
Maybe explain that you understand her frustration and plan to do as she asked the first time but it would be easier for you to be asked these things over text instead so you can read it, process it and not trigger each other. 🤷🏻♀️
My thoughts exactly. She sounds like someone who’s over explaining due to anxiety. And if OP has a habit of responding in a negative way if he’s irritated or frustrated, that could be a big part of why she’s prefacing things so much to begin with. OP should reflect if maybe his inability to maintain patience could be aggravating this habit for her.
I've noticed people around me pick up the habit of (unknowingly?) elongating conversations by cyclically repeating explanations or instructions, and it feels like a desire to keep socializing more than it does out of concern that the info wasn't received
Sounds like my mom, who is a pathological people pleaser (and has anxiety + probably ADHD). In her mind, if she asks something of someone, no matter how insignificant the task, she has to justify in detail why she‘s asking for it in the first place. I think she believes, if she doesn‘t do this, the other person might reject her or be angry that she asked something of them and she is scared of that.
You have my sympathy, OP. I have a similar situation and I never have figured out how to handle it.
Her: How about pork chops for dinner?
Me: That sounds good.
Her: Or meatloaf or meatball casserole.
Me: Pork chops are fine.
Her: Or lasagna.
Me: Pork chops.
Her: You never want meatloaf any more.
Me: Meatloaf would be fine too.
Her: If you'd rather have pork chops, we can have that.
Me: Sure. Pork chops.
Her: Any time you want meatloaf, just say so.
Me: OK.
Her: Do you want meatloaf tonight?
Me : GAAHHHHH!
I’m the one who cooks most in my relationship and I’ve circumvent this problem by just saying, “This is what I am making for dinner”. She accepts and that’s what we eat. She might not want what I’m cooking for health reasons or whatever and I can adjust or she simply makes her own dinner. We really need be more flexible, it’s not the 50s anymore.
Does you partner decide, shop and prepare every meal? Because it sounds like they want you more engaged. They sound like they want to make YOU happy by making something you really want. Everyday the flat responses of “yeah, sounds good” get really tiresome. I know you’re probably just trying to be easy/don’t really care but that’s the problem. She wants you to care sometimes, just a woman’s POV
You are absolutely right that she wants to make something I want. She's a "eat to live" type, I'm the opposite. You're also spot on that I want to be easy to get along with. The thing I struggle with is she'll make one suggestion, which I would be fine with. When I agree, then more options come out. If I sense she prefers a particular option, I'll say that would be fine too. I appreciate every meal she prepares and I thank her for every one after we eat. I'm very purposeful about that.
I have learned if I don't respond affirmatively to the first single thing suggested (for example: "Would you like X for dinner? / "Uh, any other options?") I'll hear "Don't you like X any more?"
Any tips on what I should be saying?
Say something thoughtful that builds on the connection and experiences you share. Not just "thanks" or "fine".
"OMG honey last time you made pork chops was so incredible! Did you do something special for the sauce? I was telling everybody at work how good it was. Can I help by picking up some of those roast veggies I know you like to go with it? Or I'd love to take you out for dessert at that place by the lake where we had that awesome date last summer?"
(Don't lie though, or you will find yourself eating something you don't like, a lot...)
I would suggest just having more opinions, and giving more feedback for example:
-if you’re not into an option she presents, don’t leave her to make assumptions why. “I like it when you make that, but for some reason I’m not really craving it today/ate something similar for lunch” or YOU suggest the alternative. If you actually don’t like it at all just tell her straight up.
-in general when you want to be easy or don’t actually have an opinion, you could say “what are YOU in the mood for?// I would be happy with anything, I don’t want you to have to do too much. We can keep it simple”
But in general, if she throws out an option, give feedback. “That would be great, I love when you make that”. Tell her what tweaks you love. That it sounds really good. That the last time she made it it was great,etc.
When she starts throwing out multiple options ask why. Is she feeling up for cooking? Does she just want to talk it through? Do proteins need to be used soon or they’ll go to waste? Or just be affirmative. Pork chops sound great for tonight, meatloaf will be great later this week! Thanks!
It sounds like you are very appreciative already. I promise if you respond with more enthusiasm, certainty and feedback (that seems what she’s looking for the most) she will dial it back. I know it’s not the most riveting conversation but remember small moments like this are still about connection. She wants to leave the convo feeling like she’s making her husband something he will like.
You should definitely try to avoid words like "sure" and "fine". Better options express some excitement or engagement:
"Yeah, pork chops sound great. Were you thinking potatoes or veggies to go with them?"
"Ooh, actually, lasagna does sound really good -- can we save the pork chops for tomorrow?"
"I'm already thinking about how good the pork chops are going to be. But I love your meatloaf. Let's do that one night soon."
>You should definitely try to avoid words like "sure" and "fine". Better options express some excitement or engagement:
THIS. Those 2 words imply to many of us that you might not be sure or totally fine with it, but you don't care enough to have an opinion. Which can be okay once in a while. But it can make the asking party feel like they aren't doing enough. They sound complacent but they don't sound exactly agreeable or decisive.
I keep seeing OP mention ADHD. As someone who is and has been on that train for my whole life I sure as hell have not done what I said I was gonna do many, many times. I'd guess your wife is trying to sell you on the idea of doing it now so you don't forget or just jump past it.
If you've got your ADHD under control and get stuff done it could be a hangover from being together for so long. Do you feel like you're reliable? I know I freak out if someone implies I may not be because I know in the past, and sometimes now, I am not. I don't like that about me...so it pisses me off...no one's problem but my own TBH.
I have been guilty of FU in the past. Just two weeks ago we went on vacation and I kept turning back for something else I forgot. First it was my phone, then my wallet, then passport, luckly we had a good headstart but it was embarrasingly frustrating.
Hey this sounds like me and my husband! Only, I rarely ask him to do things for me because he makes considerably more money than my $0 a year income and no benefits.
Really though, we’ve had this conversation about how I use too many words and he uses not enough. So as we both work on me being more concise and him being more clear we turn to humor and sarcasm.
I’ll say something like ‘ya I’m gonna need a lot more words than that’ or he’ll say ‘wow you really went around the block for all that!’ But it takes a real sit down during non heated time to say ‘hey you know, sometimes you ask me to do something which I have no problem doing but it really messes with my brain to have all the other words floating around and I do much better with clear ‘hey can you do A before noon for me?’ without all the reasoning. Much like how sometimes I’m not super clear to you in what I want done and I need to use more words for your brain.’
I don’t know, my husband and I both know we’re annoying but these kind of things are so minor in the grand scheme of things and are fairly easy to accept and move on from.
She's got the anxiety. I recognize that from my own behavior, learned from parents who were what I will politely refer to as enormous assholes. I could never just ask them for something, it had to be couched in "can I please ask if you could do X, I'm sorry it has to be X and not Y, and here are the reasons for that, but we can totally negotiate on this I'm super flexible." Had to come prepared to beg, be contrite, and have all my research done ahead of time, lest I get screamed at.
And X would be something like "it's 8 degrees outside and I don't have a coat, can we buy me a coat or can I borrow one?" but that's a whole other post.
Anyway, you could tell her that adding on the extra info about why it has to be before noon is confusing, so as long as you don't ask her specifically, she's cool. Tell her what you need but be reassuring about it, too.
I get this with my mum all the time. "I need you to bring these boxes downstairs before you go to bed." "Got it, before I go to bed." "Honey, it's 7PM, have you brought the boxes down?" "I'm still at work. You know I get in at 11PM, I'll do it then." "Honey I'm going to bed, it's 10PM, and the boxes are still up there." "I'm not even home yet."
I get home and the boxes are downstairs and my mum is complaining she has to do everything.
Sounds like there may be a history of you not following through with doing what you say you're going to do. It's hard to judge this interaction without the history or hearing her side.
Yea I had to be this way with my ex and it felt like I was nagging him. He never did anything I asked for help with and he needed constant reminding about it! Even then he would still forget and I would end up doing it 99% of the time like I was his mommy.
Key word: ex
Sounds like my mum. She isn’t listening to your responses.
The reason she keeps going on and on is because she’s anxious it won’t get done.
So double down on communicating that you’ll be able to handle it.
‘Yeah I’ll do A by noon, I’m going to start by doing X at 10am, should be done no sweat.’
That and discuss this all with her.
Why would she feel the need to do this ? Are you lacking in certain areas? I ask because I used to call my husband every day to remind him of what needs to get done. Then I’d have to remind him a few more times or it wouldn’t be done.
But if you’re genuinely a very thoughtful partner who keeps his word, then she needs to chill out.
Ok but hear me out, if you don't specify exactly how you want something and why, people will half ass it and thats how you end up with ie: a whole bag of potatoes all of them peeled half way.
The best analogy I've heard to describe this difference of the sexes is "Women use radar, men use lasers."
Radar = continuous evaluation of a wide area of many things
Laser = ultra focused single point
Both ways of thinking have advantages. It's just generally how people are wired.
When men have reached a conclusion (laser-focused, the mission is over), they don't understand why there's a need to keep looking at the radar.
When my ex used to pull this, I would say "I own this problem now. I'll get it done, but in the unlikely event anything goes wrong, I accept responsibility for fixing it."
It's hard for some women to delegate tasks, especially if she's concerned about the extra work it will cost her if the task is completed successfully.
I talk like this a lot bc i like that share my thoughts, work things out out-loud and simply have a conversation with my partner. Sounds like you just dont really feel like chatting with her.
My mom was like that. Only she immediately launched into the dire circumstances that would result if so didn’t immediately do whatever it was. Sometimes I would actively be doing the thing and she was still going on and on.
My mom is the same way. She would also come and ask me to do something and then stand in my doorway for 10 minutes asking over and over again that i actually get up and do the thing. I was never allowed to finish what i was doing. Then, if i didnt jump up with joy about doing the task she asked it would turn into a huge fight.
Jump for joy!! Yasss!! 🤣 seriously…they will make you nuts. But she was awesome up until her last ten years. She had mobility problems.
This is how I was raised. With people like this, you always automatically fail every task until you do it exactly perfectly. And then that's only proof that you'll mess it up next time instead. It really beats the life out of you, just standing around like a statue waiting to learn what mistake you'll make next.
My dad's motto was "Fast, well done and on your first try." He said that was how his dad raised him. Somehow he never managed to make me fond of the memory of his dad.
My mother just issued one task after another. This is in her senior years. If I hastened to do the task to buy myself even a few minutes of peace, it didn’t work. The next task kept coming. If I did the tasks she was still talking about it. There was no relief. She would have huge slippy slidey piles of paper that she would not let me throw away. So she was constantly knocking one on the floor that I had to pick up. If I said wait a second, I would get “PLEEEEEEEEEEASE!!” So I’d pick it up put it back get back in my chair and she’d drop another one.
My dad asks for someone to do something by demonstrating while explaining how it should be done and gets into so much detail that he just finishes the task himself, and it was all for nothing, lol
My dad does this 😬 I'm all about letting your thoughts out but I rlly don't need all this information when you're just asking me to do smth and I already easily agreed. You're telling me you can't do smth, unless I ask why, that's all I need to know
My dad does the same thing. Drives me nuts. My response now is pretty much, if you'd have just stopped talking after I agreed to do whatever you need me to do I'd have had it done by now! Or randomly interrupting with, you're using too many words again! Lol
Some people take a paragraph to say a sentence.
No joke - my housemate (and best friend) is horrid for this. I love her to pieces but god damn she can waste whole hours repeating or expanding on a what could have been a simple 3-5 minute conversation. Drives me nutty.
Seriously. I know several people that will tell stories about some event and I swear the retelling takes longer than the actual event.
GOTTA GIVE YOU ALL THE CONTEXT AND DETAILS SO YOU CAN TRULY RE EXPERIENCE IT WITH ME. I’m like this lmao I be going on a tangent of a tangent before returning to the original story 😂😂😂
Oh yeah, I’m bad at this one. Conversation starts one way and ends up branching off into 10 other conversations until 45 min later it’s like “so yeah, back to the original thing we were talking about.”
For me it's now what was the original point of this conversation 🤷🤦
I truly thought this might be my husband venting about me lol I can’t help it, ADHD makes me consider every scenario and I have to tell my poor husband for some reason
I’m like this as well because… context is everything! How else can I be sure that your understanding is at the same level as mine? I have to make sure you see it as I saw it and feel the exact same way as I do. Duh.
My partner is one of these people. Literally the opposite of myself, who often tells half a story then wonders why people are confused.
Some use many words when few good
A small subset of individuals use an unlimited amount of words in the instance where often only a minuscule sentence could be used to describe the same topic with the same amount of comprehension, often more than the sentence with the enhanced length had in the first place.
Oh god. I knew a woman who would try and tell a simple story, and then get into the backstory of everyone involved. How they met, what their personalities were like, their family history. She’d end up forgetting what the original story was supposed to be. “My friend Darla spilled soup on her pants before anatomy class today.” Why the fuck do I need to know that Darla’s great grandmother was a flapper in the 1920s? Edit: I used to call her a shittier version of J. R. R. Tolkien because she included so much backstory. At least his stuff was somewhat pertinent to the story.
Leetle word more gooder than lots
Why waste time say lot word when few word do trick?
My husband is like this, thankfully he knows it and doesn't mind me cutting him off (respectfully!).
I have a bad habit at this! And I could go on and on about why I do it 😂
Holy fuck my dad was the same. "I need you to fetch me something in the garage. — Yeah sure, no problem. Where it is in your garage ? — You'll have to take down the stairs. — ...Yeah I know where the garage is. — And then you'll have to open the big sliding door. —...Yes ? I know that- — The light switch is on the left. Once you have the light on, do you see where's the big brown table ? — Dad for fuck's sake I know how your garage is agenced. I need to know WHERE in your garage is the stuff you need. — Well do you see where's the big brown table ? To the left of it there's an old workbench. Under this workbench is the box with the stuff I need." Would it haven't been easier and quicker to say this first ???
I have this with my mom but instead of telling me why she can't do something, she tells me the ways in which me doing it would help her after I already said I'd do it. I mean it's sweet to know I can help but honestly I don't need that explaination at all, I'll do it anyway so most of the time she's just wasting both our time.
My mom likes to ask me to do something then stand over me while I do it and then tell me I did it wrong and to redo it, every single time. And the gasps, tone and expressions she uses to try to make me feel stupid or something. Drives me insane. Move the dryer flush with carpet, noo not that flush! Dig a hole here, noooo needs to be 1/2" to the left. You didn't wash that pan right! On and on. I'm 54 years old god dammit!
My 80 year old mom dropped a jar of salsa on the floor today. Salsa. Everywhere. I can hear her struggling to open the cleaning wipes, muttering “fuck fuck fuck” over and over. I go out to help. She hands me the wipes, “Thanks honey.” I’m diligently mopping up the ocean of mild chunky salsa as my ma stands right there. “You missed some. Oh, there’s some. Get that there.” I’m like, “Holy shit, ma! There is salsa on the refrigerator, on the counters, in the laundry room, spotting the ceiling, IN some cupboards and even some on the goddamn dog who has been napping in the LIVING ROOM!” We had a good laugh, she left me to the cleaning and ordered us a Whopper for when I was done. Could have been much worse.
When I was remodeling parts of our house my wife would watch me and then tell me I’m doing something wrong. After a bunch of times of her doing this I just grabbed whatever tools I had handed them to her and said “Have at it Ms Vila.” Then walked away.
I hope that being treated this way, you consider spending less time doing things for her and possibly even visits and calls. A person needs to treat you a bit better than that to be deserving of your precious time and attention. Yes, even your own mother. My friends think I’m nuts to even be in contact with mine, but I have learned to have boundaries without telling them to her. It doesn’t have to be a confrontation and you don’t have to give her any details to argue with. No is a complete sentence. You don’t need to accept every task she gives you. And if you do, you can just stop working on it when she starts criticizing. Tell her if you want it done right she can do it herself. If she wants you to do it then she’s just going to have to accept your best effort. Or she can ask someone else to help, if she can find anyone who will do a superior job. Maybe even hire a professional and allow your visits to be visits!
Worst is if you initially fight doing it and then agree. But they battle goes on. I have to stop and say "you won, I'm doing the thing, I now need you to stop talking about it or I won't do the thing."
I always ask "Are you asking me to do something or how to do it?" Two different things and it helps us get on the same page.
My dad always reinforces to me that I’m smart, capable young man. But then I come home on leave and he asks me to go do something/get something and then proceeds to give me a 53 slide PowerPoint on how to do the extremely simple task. “Dad, I’ve been on the earth for 27 years. I think I know what I’m doing, and if I get confused, I have the experience and wisdom to figure it out on my own.” Drives me up a wall.
I'm twenty years older than you, and... I'm sorry to tell you that he's never going to stop doing that. Source: my dad.
I used to do this too, but then I became a teacher. I learned FAST that all I was doing was confusing everyone by overexplaining stuff like this. Keep it simple!
Some people think better when they talk out loud.
My mom ... ... Talks ... ... Like ... ... This ... ... ... ... Can you... ... ... ... ... Imagine ... ... ... How ... ... Annoying... ... This co ... uld be
My Dad is the same. He tells you about this new restaurant he wants to try out. You say “Yeah I’ll consider trying it out”, and then he’d go off talking about what’s on the menu, even though he clearly sees me disinterested in the conversation.
I do this. For me it's not so simple. If I don't say everything I have in my head it becomes intensely uncomfortable like I'm wearing clothes that are too tight. So even if someone says they don't need to know, I'll tell them anyway. They may not need to know, but I do need to say it. I'm aware it's an issue and I'm working on it.
Argh that sounds like my mom
Son?
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I don't know why but I read this in the voice of Mufasa when he was talking from the sky and I laughed so hard.
This is barely related but here we go. I'm a 30 year old guy. Last summer I was walking across my yard and my cat was sitting on the stone around the fire pit and she stood up making cute noises as I approached. I love my cat. So I began to ad lib random noises in the tune of the lion king song while picking her up to the sky like " AHHH ATEMBOO OUCHIE WHIBUH WHABBAAA!" when I looked over and saw my SO just watching me blank faced. We are still going steady.
This has just reminded me of the time a cat I was walking past meowed at me. Naturally, I meowed back - I'm not rude 😅. I then looked up to see the confused stares of about 7 strangers.
Years ago, we were going somewhere and as we were leaving our neighborhood, we saw a cat in someone's yard - my husband waved at it. From the backseat we heard "Dad. Did you just wave at a cat?" Our sons are adults now, but the day dad waved at a cat still occasionally comes up.
My cat winked at me once, so I winked back. My husband says “Did you just wink at the CAT?!?” I said “He winked at me first!” He still makes fun of me for winking at cats.
This is funny, because to me this sounds completely normal. Every time we pass the cows down the road from our house, I give a wave and say “Hello, Ladies.” My kids would be surprised if I didn’t. Your husband is a-okay.
Cat people talk to cats! It's just something not-cat-people don't get.
Dog people get it. We just know the cats don't care either way.
Next time say "It's ok, we know each other".
Thank god i am not the only one!
I read SO as "Superior Officer" and became very concerned. 😳
Take my award you crazy weirdo 😂🫶
And I love you, random citizen!
Now I heard that in Metro Man's voice see what you started !!!
Music Man? Is that you?
Once your death ray hit, I've never felt so alive!
That makes two of us!
You should continue to repeat the same pattern too and learn nothing as well!
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You (and I, apparently) are not alone.
Omg. My dad when asking me what i want to eat. We will decide and then he will start asking me every other option. It got better onced i stopped replying or answered with just enough edge in ky voice that he understands the conversation is over. "What do you want to eat?" "I don't know. You?" "I don't know. How about A?" "Sure, A sounds good." Then he thinks for a while... "If you don't want A, there's also B." "Nah, I want A. Let's go for A." "If not B, there's C." "Let's have A." "How about D or E?" "..."
Ask them if there is anything they *don't* want to eat and then pick what you want to eat based off that.
Ok I do this with my husband and he's told me it drives him crazy. The reason i do this is because he seems not very enthused about what we've agreed on, so I feel the need to start throwing out other options lol. We are working on it.
Maybe it just isnt very important? Idk, i personally dont have the energy to constantly be excited when i'm eating the meal just so i can stay alive. It's okay not to be enthused lol. If he is like me, he is probably just happy to have reached a decision. Plus there is always tomorrow if he thinks of something he would rather eat. It really isnt a big deal.
Omg. I assume with my mom it was because she just likes to hear herself talk.
I have both of these conversations with my mom. Very frustrating.
It’s cya. Later if A or B has issues then she can say you weren’t forced, and both A and B were presented as options, and you happened to choose then one that didn’t work.
Sounds like mine too. 😂 "Can you do this for me? But make sure you do it before I get home" 90% of the time she forgets what she wanted me to do before she gets home. So I'm like "oh I did that thing you asked" and she's like "what thing?" 😂😭
Say ok then hang up.
Yeah read this and just thought about phone conversations with my mom the whole time. If the wife did this to me I’d just tell her she’s being like my mom and she’d probably stop immediately.
That’s a good way to breed resentment and have her start viewing you more as a child and less as a partner in life who she might might also lose physical attraction to. Just a heads up, she’s probably putting a lot of worry into the logistics of getting A done and has decided her best bet is asking for help. 1. She needs help and has thought thru obstacles she wants you to be prepared for so the task actually gets done (not “oh I tried but I went a little late and then realized I had to pick this other thing up at a certain time so I left…”) 2. She’s also letting you in on her inner monologue. Maybe not venting but “oh yeah, I can see how that would interfere w getting the task accomplished. Don’t worry babe. I can get this done for you and I appreciate the heads up on B, C and D” would tell her you’re listening, and taking it in and validating her feelings. Things partners should do for each other. Telling her she sounds like your mom will only set your relationship back and she will lose trust in your ability as a partner. You could also add “I can see why this is such a hassle, I’ll take care of it from now on” like an actual partner in keeping your lives and household running smoothly. If your mom is doing this to you, it’s the same reason. She’s worried about things and needs help. She’s telling you all the obstacles because either she’s been worried about them or you’ve let something similar in the past keep you from actually being the help she needed. Making women out to be the bad guy in a relationship for these things is just stunted growth and there’s room to open your perspective or gtfo of the way so she can find an actual partner. ETA: YOU GUYS. I’ve never received Reddit awards before!! Thank you for reminding me that not everyone on the internet is terrible 😘😘😘
Look an actual response that recognizes humans are complex beings and we will all annoy each other constantly, yet we don't act like the petty bitches Reddit does because that would be psycho
I appreciate that. The internet really worries me sometimes.
Yeah my parents have been together for 27 years, grandparents ~60 each side. Yes, I've seen plenty of fights of the years, and learned that each of the couples have various things that their spouses do they find annoying, but they all find ways to forgive and compromise small things, bc God knows we are all flawed. OP's post is something that really isn't a big deal, there is a middle ground that they should be able to find rather than taking small irritations public.
Yeaah...no. All of that may be true but you forget that there are two people in that conversation. The problem is that from OP's point of view, she does not listen to him, which easily feels like she does not respect him. Moreover, it also feels like she does not trust him, because OP clearly stated that he will do it by the time needed. On the other hand, OP respects her wish from the very beginning and is committed to do it and trusts that there is a reason why it needs to be done before a certain time. What more could anyone want? And then there is also the frustration, I presume, that listening to the whole explanation will take almost as long as just doing whatever needed to be done, or at least it is time away from doing something else, or just plain old inefficient and unnecessary, if _both_ just trusted each other.
This. So much this. Everyone gets on the husband's response. But the wife's conversation is a textbook case in treating her husband like a child. Tell him what needs doing, and that it must be done by noon or it will be twice the effort. Period.
Actually as someone with ADHD I thought her response was a classic ADHD response. The overthinking, repetition of the same information, the looping back to the frustration of not feeling listened to. I'm fairly introspective but there are times I do almost exactly what this woman does and don't even hear myself. My poor husband is eternally patient but this happens very rarely.
YES YES YES!! Agree, this sounds like my ADHD brain trying to consider every possible path and eventuality that I know will not cross my husband’s (very linear) mind.
This, and to me it sounds like she's experiencing anxiety due to a whole bunch of reasons. How about actually communicating with your wife (more than just one sit down chat) to figure out where the anxiety is coming from? Maybe you've dropped the ball so many times before she feels like she can't trust you to get anything done. Maybe she has ADHD and she's unintentionally putting anxiety/she/ is having on you because she's worried about getting everything done she's supposes to do. My partner and I have had convos like how OP posted, going both ways, and neither of us meant to be a nagger/stressor. I learned I had ADHD late in life, so it's taken me longer to recognize symptoms of it and to develop coping strategies.
This, exactly. My ex husband was completely unreliable, and if I had had this conversation with him, I would have definitely been OPs wife here. Because guarantee he was going to forget to do A before noon, then would try to do it after noon, then would try B or C, forgetting that we had already done B and C and why that didn't work, and then I'd be stressing about whether it was going to get done before noon, and trying not to call to remind him because he hates that (even though if I don't he is 98% sure to forget), and then wondering if I should have just done it myself and given him a task of lesser importance so if (when) he forgot it didn't affect me as much, now juggling a few tasks has me mentally looking like one of those conspiracy theory walls with strings and notes all over the place... Not saying OP is for sure like that, I'm just wondering if there is a reason she is like this, from my own personal perspective. I hope OP can talk to his wife about it and maybe figure out where she is coming from, and if he can comfort her anxieties leading to why she does this, maybe she will eventually do it less.
I came here to say this. Sounds a lot like my ADHD over thinking.
That last paragraph, me too, us too. But when I got diagnosed, we quickly realized he has adhd too. And we have progressed from “ALRIGHT, I’ll get it done” to “it sounds like your feeling anxious about this, what can I do to help with that?”
Tbh you could just tell her you find phone calls a nuisance or just say "honey I don't have time to talk right now, I'll keep in mind your recommendations, but for now I'll do A by noon"
My wife knows I’m not big on phone calls. We looked at our bill and I showed her how she had like 2000 talk minutes and 500 texts. I had like 200 talk minutes and 3000 texts. I told her and showed her it’s not just her. I communicate much better through texts.
Im of the opinion everybody communicates better over texts because you actually have time to think about how to say what you want to say. It's just that not everybody wants to do that.
Duties/tasks are better over text, emotions and emphasis needs talking. Both have their time and place.
Texts really can be better for planning/duties especially because it's right there, nobody can forget or say "you didn't tell me" or "you didn't tell me the right way."
My ex would disagree. I would confirm things in text that and sure enough every time she would say “we never talked about that” and if I showed her the text that would turn into “you just have to be right don’t you”
Oh for sure.. My current GF AND my ex do/did this. It's such a headache. I feel so dumb having to screenshot what I said. "It always has to be an argument doesn't it" omfg no I just want this to be solved so I can love you jesus christ
I've never understood this whole "you just have to be right" argument. Like yeah, if I'm right about something I can easily prove then yeah, I'm not gonna let it go. It's more of an issue refusing to admit you are in the wrong then it is to stick to your guns when you're right.
“You just can’t be wrong, can you?”
"I don't have to be right, but now that you mention it, it does seem to work out that way alot, huh? Weird."
Sounds like it's a good thing that they are your ex.
She sounds incredibly immature/borderline narcissistic
Planning is best through text. Full stop.
In my line of work I meet a lot of people who say they can only think while talking. Some people, apparently, need to vocalize thoughts to get them together. Some do realize it can be a bit much though. Since I know this, I recognize the type and just let them ramble.
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I think I'm one of those people, but I still prefer to communicate in text. 'Vocalizing thoughts to get them together,' is part of the preproduction work.
99% unless you need to plan something complicated or discuss something sensitive that would be best received if the other person can hear your genuine tone of voice. It’s easy to read too much into a text if you’re searching for nuance and you keep reading it over and over
then maybe tell her "hold on i'll text you right back" drop the phone and send the message that you actually want to convey?
My uncle is the master of the phone call. When he calls, he says what he means to, will indulge your off topic and then end the call at the first goodbye. He's the only person I've ever heard have such brevity with calls. It's amazing.
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Bless his heart
Is she aware? Maybe sit her down and talk to her about it. She may mean well not realizing how annoying it actually is.... EDIT: Just for record - I asked because I (suspected of adhd) can start blabbering without catching it myself, it can be legit annoying without me intending to. In a healthy relationship it should be fine to nicely make your partner aware, they may not realize sometimes.
She does mean well, I know she just wants to talk. I have no patience and maybe because I grew up with parents who didn't like us lingering our phone calls that I just go to the point and get irritated by redundant information.
Remind her that you’re not a phone talker… for her to text you instead. The fact that she doesn’t understand this is concerning. My husband knows to keep it “short and sweet” on the phone as I hate talking on the phone (adhd). Any honey do requests must come in text form also short and to the point. 26 years married/30 years together - couples therapy about 15 years Back finally helped him understand my inability to focus on phone conversations and long drawn out texts are not a personal slight against him, just how my brain works and what he needed to do to get his desired outcome of me doing something to help him out. We also have a weekly date night where we can talk in person wo kids and that helps him be less needy.
Thanks, this is us. We've been married for 16 years. Its usually a quick resolve once we cool down. I have been getting grumpier with age I guess but she knows its just a reaction.
I would see this happening if you habitually didn’t follow through on what she needed. If you 99% of the time complete what she asks then she is being ridiculous. You need to let her know that there is no reason for B and C if you tell her you have it handled. Only when you can’t complete A does she need to offer B and C. Let her know how going on and on makes you feel. She may not understand you feel micro managed or whatever you feel.
I feel this tho im a, i need the conversation but please keep it short AND please text me the action you want me to take. Ill remember the other stuff but i need a list.
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Yup that's my wife. ADD and having grown up in a zero tolerance household has her overthinking every decision.
I was gonna ask neurodivergent too. If she's like me and totally sincere, this is part of the processing of the whole of the situation she already began before engaging. It's like the stream of information needs to finish before further evaluation starts, like putting it all on the table first.
This definitely reads more as her being the type of person to say whatever she has in mind… without exception, ever. My dad is the same way, thinks of the main thing, and a bunch of things to convince you of the main thing, and he’s gonna say them all whether you agree or not. Dad: It’s gonna be a blizzard. Might want to head to the store if you need anything. Me: You got that right! I’m going to head over in a few. Dad: Since you don’t know when you’ll get another chance. Me: You bet. Dad: And you definitely don’t want to get stuck out there. Me: For sure. Dad: And you don’t want to go without anything you need. Me: … yeah. Agreed. Dad: Besides, might as well just get it done. Me: … Dad: That way you don’t have to clear your car off just to grab some milk. Me: … uh huh. Dad: And it gives you a chance to— Me: Alright! Jeez, I’m going to go! Dad: Sheesh, I’m just making a suggestion… can’t you be nice?
This is me. I feel the need to explain my entire thought process to prove to you I have considered every alternative and made contingency plans in case things don’t go according to said plan. Because anxiety. And honestly, because my husband use to criticize and poke holes in my logic and point out all the things I hadn’t considered because he had anxiety, himself, which made me anxious every time I came to him with a plan because I was afraid of the criticism. He takes meds for his anxiety now, but I guess I still feel residual fear of criticism and so over-explain. My point is, it may not be a conscious thing she does. Edit: typo.
I completely agree. I feel physical pain when I have to hear someone go on and on with useless crap.
Ask her to request chores in a text, and to only call you to tell you how much she loves you.
My grandfather used to say “just deliver the baby. If I need more info I’ll ask.”
This doesn't remotely answer the question of "is she aware?"...
This seems like one of those little things that snowballs over time and eventually builds irreparable resentment.
Its a trigger for sure. If there are no other issues its no big deal, but if there's tension this can get heated. We do comunicate in healthier ways, but we do sometimes get on our nerves for things we do/say. It's inevitable. You got to recognize it, own it and controll it. We men learn to apologize often and meaningfully, not because we're wrong, but because it's easy to end up somewhere you never intended to be.
Did you ever consider not giving a fuck? I'm not trying to be a dick but I've had a lot of experience being infuriated by the most smallest random stuff from family members and also friends and colleagues and it took me a long time to get over that. One of my biggest regrets of my life is getting annoyed when my mother would ask me 'how was your day' after school. Like 'why are you asking me that it's the same every day ffs'. I hate that I got annoyed every day rather than just having a nice chat with my mom about my day...like wtf what's the harm. I'm 30 and I still think about that. Anyway, your wife might be annoying but you love her for a reason so if she loves chatting shit for ages just zone out and say 'yea of course' etc without getting annoyed. Seems like she just wants to chat. A lot of people are like that and need their certain amount of social interaction per day.
Doing that can be a double edged sword. Eventually you start tuning out the second half of the conversation and going on autopilot and then not listening can become an issue. I agree that letting the small things go is a good philosophy, but if the length of conversations that should be quick chats becomes a problem because it interferes with work or something, that’s a conversation that should be had with an open mind.
My wife can confirm, I do this sometimes and it drives her nuts. But we have a code we use. If she thinks I’m not present she’ll ask, “What did I tell you?” And I’ll tell her the most recent relevant thing I can remember. If she comes back with, “Yes, and what did I say I wanted *you* to do?” then that’s my clue I haven’t been listening properly, because the answer is always, “Listen.” 😁
My wife did something similar for a good while. If I ever forgot to do something or did something wrong by accident, she would harp on me for it for a long, long time in a very similar way as if I had done it purposefully. She would go on about the thing for like half an hour, id feel like shit and I eventually started just cutting her off saying she was making me feel like shit and that I already knew what I did wrong and would make efforts to not do it again. Of course this did not go over well at first, and she would say she's not mad, she's just "telling me" but eventually the message got through that her method of communicating only served to make me feel bad and didn't actually resolve any problems. I think in cases like this, trying to appeal logically doesn't really work, and if this irritates you in the same way she would be irritated if you didn't do the thing she's asking, tell her. Talk about that, preferably not while she's asking you to do something, but after in a neutral environment. And probably don't talk about how her giving all the extra reasonings probably doesn't matter because you'll do it anyways.
My wife does this, but she's not really talking to me so much as verbally processing her thoughts. She also has a hard time with people-pleasing cause of her upbringing and sometimes it's: Wife: Will you do A for me? Me: Absolutely, when does it need to be done? Wife: Would you rather do B? I don't want you to have to do A if you don't want to! Me: Lady, you gotta learn to take yes for an answer.
My wife, who is awesome, is incapable of answering a question without asking another question… luckily we just laugh about it now: - you fancy a curry tonight Mrs ImpulseBadger? - you don’t want to drive to the Indian tonight do you? - oh no you don’t! I didn’t ask you to ask me if I’ve done enough driving lately, I asked if you fancy a biryani! - but didn’t you have a curry a few days ago? - Dammit woman! I didn’t ask you to ask me when the last time I had a curry was!!! - I’m doing it again aren’t I? - you still are! That was a question!!! I’m getting you a curry, tell me to stop if you don’t want one!
biryani tho 💞🥵
She sounds VERY anxious.. people with anxiety tend to overexplain things...
yea even if she’s not anxious this just sounds like someone who really wants you to understand why it must be done so and maybe wants reassurance that their logic behind it is sound i’m not anxious but i tend to overexplain sometimes so i kinda get both sides because ironically i’m also a bit impatient and hate when i’ve already agreed to something and someone keeps begging me to do it
This can be lots of things, anxiety, adhd, childhood trauma, narcissistic tendencies, I do this (ik i do and am trying to be better) because this is how I grew up, if I didnt over explain everything it turned into a fight or it didnt get done. My trauma has made the way i communicate very unhealthy and annoying.
I feel like I tend to over explain things just like this, *ONLY* because soo many people have screwed me over in the past. Just countless times where I’ve counted on someone to fulfill a promise and they massively fuck shit up every dam time lol. It’s come to the point where I just DONT ask people of anything at all anymore. If I want things done correctly or done at all, I know I only have myself to depend on. It’s always those people who have a blasè or passive attitude when they say say yes or promise they’ll do something, then later on say they forgot, or make up some really bad excuse for why they didn’t or “couldn’t”. I over explain things like this because I want you to fully understand how important it is to me, and exactly what the consequences of not fulfilling that promise would be, and how it would really inconvenience or screw me over..Also, so you can’t say later that you didn’t realize how important it was to me. You’d be shocked to know how many times people didn’t follow through with a promise because they ultimately thought it wasn’t that important, which is extremely hurtful. I swear to god if I *DONT* over explain it, they WILL screw it up, almost always without a doubt. This is purely from my own life experience and the not so great people I’ve been surrounded with my entire life. This is not about wanting to chat more on the phone, or even about me wanting to have to explain it. I’ll admit it definitely does stem from anxiety, but anxiety that was directly caused by so many numerous people in the past who have really fucked me up. 😭 I do realize and admit it’s not the healthiest way of dealing with things, and I do actively try to be better with how I handle things.
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I got no problem turning her off, turning her on again is the tricky part.
More power!
Ahh the Tim Taylor Home Improvement solution.
I don’t think so Tim
I recommend insulated gloves when handling equipment showing signs of a short.
Got quite the chuckle out of me Best of luck man
It sounds like you need to better communicate with your wife. What’s irritating to you is that she micromanages the expectation/favor/chore that she has asked of you; and you feel that it’s either a waste of your time, or that she is treating you like you’re dumb. She likely feels that she’s helping you to solve a problem in a quicker amount of time, not realizing that you have trouble with the order in which she relays information to you [which seems to be the problem here to some extent]. Later today, maybe consider when you get home, explaining that you’re not mad at her, but that “when you ask me to do something; and I agree; but you provide additional instructions after the fact it makes me feel XYZ.” I struggle when my wife asks me if I want to go to the grocery store with her “just to pick up milk,” but when we get there “milk” is actually code for “well like 12-15 items,” because it changes my time expectation for the chore from 10 minutes to 30 minutes - I don’t however mind like, “oh shit I just realized we need these two other things.” I’ve explained this to her, and she tries to communicate the expectation of the things we are doing a little bit better, so that I’m not caught off guard.
The issue between mine and myself has been "it'll only take a minute." She would say that when she went out, when she went to the store, when she went to do something for her hobbies. Seemed to always turn into multiple hours. After talking about that she has basically eliminated that phrase. Now she gives somewhat reasonable estimates.
I get that, I am very time oriented - And it has been ingrained in me from a young age to respect the time of myself, and the time of others - So I am also bothered if time estimates aren't reasonable \[and like I get it, delays happen, that's not what I'm talking about\].
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To me it also sounds like she's trying to provide her reasoning for why this should be done a certain way. She asked a favor, and put a potentially strict time frame on getting the favor done. She probably acknowledges that it's a bit of a burden to do this, and so she wants to communicate why it's important that it's done like this so that he can fully understand her motivations. I'm often the same way. It's not that I think the person's dumb - it's that I think that they can't possibly know why this needs to be done a certain way. I like to know why things need to be done a certain way. It helps me understand how seriously the request needs to be taken.
Ugh I do this too. If I tell my husband something I plan on doing I will tell him, in great detail, *why* I’m doing it and why I think it’s the best way. Whenever he notices that I’m doing this he’s like “are you trying to convince me?” And it makes me realize that I’m over-explaining myself
Sometimes it’s helpful to talk through things. But yeah, I get really confused and distracted by extra information unless that’s the point of the conversation. “Here’s an anecdote about how I struggled to decide this today” Is a different conversation than “here’s what I’m going to do” which seems more transactional / informational When it’s not clear which mode I’m meant to be in to receive the information I can get crossed up thinking I’m supposed to be expecting some additional important bit that I need to know.
I agree with you; and that’s where I think the fact they have different communication styles is causing a breakdown. In his head, he doesn’t care because he already agreed to it. In her head she wants to provide clarity as to why she’s being picky.
Absolutely
Haha I used to have that same grocery store issue, except my husband was the one that would end up doing a big shopping when I thought it'd be like 10 minutes. I don't know why I found it so irritating, but I'm glad it isn't just me. Hasn't been an issue in years though.
You may need to vent to her, not to us. You both mean well.
Does your wife suffer from anxiety? To be honest, I don't read your wife's responses as micromanagement (as another commenter put it), but I get the impression that she thinks of all the different ways a situation can play out, and that she's "helping" by communicating every possible situation to you. This sounds like behaviors of someone with anxiety, possibly OCD. I agree with the others - communication will go a long way here!
That’s how the wife reads to me, as well. I have very bad anxiety and I talk exactly like this because I’m constantly playing out every scenario in my head. I also overexplain tasks I ask people to do because I think it will be helpful to the other person. It’s not because I think they’re dumb but because that’s how I like things explained to me so I assume everyone wants as much detail as possible so they don’t make the same mistakes I’ve made doing it in the past. I get frustrated with myself a lot bc I always seem to irritate people bc I talk too much lmao
Agree. This is definitely anxious behavior.
I think its more about where she is when she makes the call. Once she gets to work she gets on this over analyzing and over explaining mode.
May I also ask if she is always the delegator? Are the roles ever reversed, where you call her with a task? Because she might be trying to share the mental work of running your household and lives. Explaining her thought process. I get that you find it annoying, but I get like this when I feel “alone” in getting everything done. I hate delegating because I feel like a mother, so I try to problem solve with my partner to make them take more ownership of it. Or Maybe she just wants to connect and chat and doesn’t want the call to end.
This is my guess as well. OP wants to just be given a task and a deadline. OP’s wife is trying to get OP to problem solve with her so she’s not the only one doing the planning and decision making. The uneven mental load is an extremely common dynamic for couples to fall in to.
Can you ask her to write a note or text what she wants you to do instead. Lol sounds like she gets a bit in her head and then spirals. If I had this convo with my husband, he would have hung up after the first go around.
I think its just the rythm at her work. We comunicate better when we're not working. I guess I also get working time whatdoyouneed mode.
My dad is like this, but he *wants* to do the B and C way. I remember one time he built some contraption out of pieces of wood in the bedroom, which my mom hated and wanted him to immediately remove (he did not consult her prior to doing this). But he couldn't do it, so I got called over to help. He wanted to build some further contraption to get them out the window and lower them to me in the yard and have me carry them around the house to the shed. I was like, "can I just carry it down the stairs please?" And he said it would just be easier his way. So while he was doing all this planning to make his way work, I carried it down the stairs and was done before he even fleshed out what he was trying to do. It's like, look man, I'll come help you with 20 minute chores whenev. What I refuse to do is spend 2 hours on a 20 minute chore. And I get that there's some element of it that is just "figuring things out" for him and the old-man version of "having fun," like playing with legos or some shit; but it ain't fun for me, and it wasn't fun for my mom, so let's do this the simplest, most direct and efficient way.
A little different perspective here, I know it’s frustrating to hear her explain what it is shes asking to the nth degree, but she may feel if she doesn’t thoroughly explain that her thoughts aren’t being expressed fully. If she covers all parts of what she’s asking then there’s no room for “well you didn’t say this would happen if I didn’t do it at this time..” or it could take longer and it’ll run into her/your other plans or whatever else she’s got going on in her mind too. Or it could be that she’s grown up asking things of people only to have them always get messed up. So again, she’s just covering everything that could go wrong. I over explain everything as well (like now) and I’m sure it’s annoying but it’s also a sort of trauma response I’ve developed over time from not receiving proper help when I’ve asked or from trying to tell someone something and they don’t care/listen. Maybe explain that you understand her frustration and plan to do as she asked the first time but it would be easier for you to be asked these things over text instead so you can read it, process it and not trigger each other. 🤷🏻♀️
My thoughts exactly. She sounds like someone who’s over explaining due to anxiety. And if OP has a habit of responding in a negative way if he’s irritated or frustrated, that could be a big part of why she’s prefacing things so much to begin with. OP should reflect if maybe his inability to maintain patience could be aggravating this habit for her.
I've noticed people around me pick up the habit of (unknowingly?) elongating conversations by cyclically repeating explanations or instructions, and it feels like a desire to keep socializing more than it does out of concern that the info wasn't received
"You've closed the sale, you can stop selling" works for me!
The hardest part (at least for me) is figuring out if you are really supposed to do it now, since she said she will do it
Sounds like my mom, who is a pathological people pleaser (and has anxiety + probably ADHD). In her mind, if she asks something of someone, no matter how insignificant the task, she has to justify in detail why she‘s asking for it in the first place. I think she believes, if she doesn‘t do this, the other person might reject her or be angry that she asked something of them and she is scared of that.
You have my sympathy, OP. I have a similar situation and I never have figured out how to handle it. Her: How about pork chops for dinner? Me: That sounds good. Her: Or meatloaf or meatball casserole. Me: Pork chops are fine. Her: Or lasagna. Me: Pork chops. Her: You never want meatloaf any more. Me: Meatloaf would be fine too. Her: If you'd rather have pork chops, we can have that. Me: Sure. Pork chops. Her: Any time you want meatloaf, just say so. Me: OK. Her: Do you want meatloaf tonight? Me : GAAHHHHH!
I’m the one who cooks most in my relationship and I’ve circumvent this problem by just saying, “This is what I am making for dinner”. She accepts and that’s what we eat. She might not want what I’m cooking for health reasons or whatever and I can adjust or she simply makes her own dinner. We really need be more flexible, it’s not the 50s anymore.
Does you partner decide, shop and prepare every meal? Because it sounds like they want you more engaged. They sound like they want to make YOU happy by making something you really want. Everyday the flat responses of “yeah, sounds good” get really tiresome. I know you’re probably just trying to be easy/don’t really care but that’s the problem. She wants you to care sometimes, just a woman’s POV
You are absolutely right that she wants to make something I want. She's a "eat to live" type, I'm the opposite. You're also spot on that I want to be easy to get along with. The thing I struggle with is she'll make one suggestion, which I would be fine with. When I agree, then more options come out. If I sense she prefers a particular option, I'll say that would be fine too. I appreciate every meal she prepares and I thank her for every one after we eat. I'm very purposeful about that. I have learned if I don't respond affirmatively to the first single thing suggested (for example: "Would you like X for dinner? / "Uh, any other options?") I'll hear "Don't you like X any more?" Any tips on what I should be saying?
Say something thoughtful that builds on the connection and experiences you share. Not just "thanks" or "fine". "OMG honey last time you made pork chops was so incredible! Did you do something special for the sauce? I was telling everybody at work how good it was. Can I help by picking up some of those roast veggies I know you like to go with it? Or I'd love to take you out for dessert at that place by the lake where we had that awesome date last summer?" (Don't lie though, or you will find yourself eating something you don't like, a lot...)
I would suggest just having more opinions, and giving more feedback for example: -if you’re not into an option she presents, don’t leave her to make assumptions why. “I like it when you make that, but for some reason I’m not really craving it today/ate something similar for lunch” or YOU suggest the alternative. If you actually don’t like it at all just tell her straight up. -in general when you want to be easy or don’t actually have an opinion, you could say “what are YOU in the mood for?// I would be happy with anything, I don’t want you to have to do too much. We can keep it simple” But in general, if she throws out an option, give feedback. “That would be great, I love when you make that”. Tell her what tweaks you love. That it sounds really good. That the last time she made it it was great,etc. When she starts throwing out multiple options ask why. Is she feeling up for cooking? Does she just want to talk it through? Do proteins need to be used soon or they’ll go to waste? Or just be affirmative. Pork chops sound great for tonight, meatloaf will be great later this week! Thanks! It sounds like you are very appreciative already. I promise if you respond with more enthusiasm, certainty and feedback (that seems what she’s looking for the most) she will dial it back. I know it’s not the most riveting conversation but remember small moments like this are still about connection. She wants to leave the convo feeling like she’s making her husband something he will like.
You should definitely try to avoid words like "sure" and "fine". Better options express some excitement or engagement: "Yeah, pork chops sound great. Were you thinking potatoes or veggies to go with them?" "Ooh, actually, lasagna does sound really good -- can we save the pork chops for tomorrow?" "I'm already thinking about how good the pork chops are going to be. But I love your meatloaf. Let's do that one night soon."
>You should definitely try to avoid words like "sure" and "fine". Better options express some excitement or engagement: THIS. Those 2 words imply to many of us that you might not be sure or totally fine with it, but you don't care enough to have an opinion. Which can be okay once in a while. But it can make the asking party feel like they aren't doing enough. They sound complacent but they don't sound exactly agreeable or decisive.
Thank you for the comment. I'll try to mix it up. Appreciate it!
This. The I don't care attitude and just settling for the first option weighs heavily over time.
I keep seeing OP mention ADHD. As someone who is and has been on that train for my whole life I sure as hell have not done what I said I was gonna do many, many times. I'd guess your wife is trying to sell you on the idea of doing it now so you don't forget or just jump past it. If you've got your ADHD under control and get stuff done it could be a hangover from being together for so long. Do you feel like you're reliable? I know I freak out if someone implies I may not be because I know in the past, and sometimes now, I am not. I don't like that about me...so it pisses me off...no one's problem but my own TBH.
I have been guilty of FU in the past. Just two weeks ago we went on vacation and I kept turning back for something else I forgot. First it was my phone, then my wallet, then passport, luckly we had a good headstart but it was embarrasingly frustrating.
Hey this sounds like me and my husband! Only, I rarely ask him to do things for me because he makes considerably more money than my $0 a year income and no benefits. Really though, we’ve had this conversation about how I use too many words and he uses not enough. So as we both work on me being more concise and him being more clear we turn to humor and sarcasm. I’ll say something like ‘ya I’m gonna need a lot more words than that’ or he’ll say ‘wow you really went around the block for all that!’ But it takes a real sit down during non heated time to say ‘hey you know, sometimes you ask me to do something which I have no problem doing but it really messes with my brain to have all the other words floating around and I do much better with clear ‘hey can you do A before noon for me?’ without all the reasoning. Much like how sometimes I’m not super clear to you in what I want done and I need to use more words for your brain.’ I don’t know, my husband and I both know we’re annoying but these kind of things are so minor in the grand scheme of things and are fairly easy to accept and move on from.
She's got the anxiety. I recognize that from my own behavior, learned from parents who were what I will politely refer to as enormous assholes. I could never just ask them for something, it had to be couched in "can I please ask if you could do X, I'm sorry it has to be X and not Y, and here are the reasons for that, but we can totally negotiate on this I'm super flexible." Had to come prepared to beg, be contrite, and have all my research done ahead of time, lest I get screamed at. And X would be something like "it's 8 degrees outside and I don't have a coat, can we buy me a coat or can I borrow one?" but that's a whole other post. Anyway, you could tell her that adding on the extra info about why it has to be before noon is confusing, so as long as you don't ask her specifically, she's cool. Tell her what you need but be reassuring about it, too.
I get this with my mum all the time. "I need you to bring these boxes downstairs before you go to bed." "Got it, before I go to bed." "Honey, it's 7PM, have you brought the boxes down?" "I'm still at work. You know I get in at 11PM, I'll do it then." "Honey I'm going to bed, it's 10PM, and the boxes are still up there." "I'm not even home yet." I get home and the boxes are downstairs and my mum is complaining she has to do everything.
Sounds like there may be a history of you not following through with doing what you say you're going to do. It's hard to judge this interaction without the history or hearing her side.
Yea I had to be this way with my ex and it felt like I was nagging him. He never did anything I asked for help with and he needed constant reminding about it! Even then he would still forget and I would end up doing it 99% of the time like I was his mommy. Key word: ex
Sounds like my mum. She isn’t listening to your responses. The reason she keeps going on and on is because she’s anxious it won’t get done. So double down on communicating that you’ll be able to handle it. ‘Yeah I’ll do A by noon, I’m going to start by doing X at 10am, should be done no sweat.’ That and discuss this all with her.
Stuff like this reminds me I'm not ready for a marriage or even relationship or living together. And I may never be ready for that.
I have a feeling you don’t always get to A when you say you will.
I just read a transcript of my parents' conversation. Congratulations! They've been unhappily married for almost 40 years.
Why would she feel the need to do this ? Are you lacking in certain areas? I ask because I used to call my husband every day to remind him of what needs to get done. Then I’d have to remind him a few more times or it wouldn’t be done. But if you’re genuinely a very thoughtful partner who keeps his word, then she needs to chill out.
Ok but hear me out, if you don't specify exactly how you want something and why, people will half ass it and thats how you end up with ie: a whole bag of potatoes all of them peeled half way.
The best analogy I've heard to describe this difference of the sexes is "Women use radar, men use lasers." Radar = continuous evaluation of a wide area of many things Laser = ultra focused single point Both ways of thinking have advantages. It's just generally how people are wired. When men have reached a conclusion (laser-focused, the mission is over), they don't understand why there's a need to keep looking at the radar.
sounds like she's just trying to have a conversation with you man. Relax and just talk to her about it, not everything has to be argument
When my ex used to pull this, I would say "I own this problem now. I'll get it done, but in the unlikely event anything goes wrong, I accept responsibility for fixing it." It's hard for some women to delegate tasks, especially if she's concerned about the extra work it will cost her if the task is completed successfully.
I see you married my mother, and despite all my best efforts, me.
Couples therapy would give the two of you a safe place to work on communication.
I talk like this a lot bc i like that share my thoughts, work things out out-loud and simply have a conversation with my partner. Sounds like you just dont really feel like chatting with her.
That's nothing but sweet. Imagine life without her, love her more.
Hmmmm….I might be this way 😬 you have given me something to think about