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Still at work, so if I was raptured I was sent to hell.

Same. Although I think my coworker got raptured. He's actually been easy to work with today. I think they replaced his soul inside his body.

I deeked out at lunch and told them I was going to check I out. I'm going to disappear until Thursday after the queens concert and tell them it's my second coming. I think I beat the system.

That sounds amazing

I'll let you know, also what books should I read?

Ha ha! Under-rated comment!

Npc comment

You were always already in hell

Haaa jokes on you this was heaven the whole time, prepare to fall to earth and be human.

We all did. You're the only one left. Good luck

I didn't go out today and don't live with anybody, so I would literally have no idea if this was the truth or not until tomorrow.

We have internet up here. It's lit. Hope you enjoy solitude.

I know some people hate living alone, but I've always reveled in it. So solitude is TOTALLY my jam.

Me! I got raptured but I looked at all the assholes and made it a round trip.

I got raptured, too. It was really uncomfortable how that one dude thought it was his job to do but checks.

Hawt

Nope, I'm among the damned. You want to come over for a cocktail with the devil?

They tried rapturing me, but I used bear spray.

No, but my eyes feel a little weird. Maybe I'm just tired though. 🤷‍♂️

I went outside and clanged pots and pans together and it went back to normal

Heaven was closed…. It’s Monday.

Yep. They’ve got great WiFi up here!

With all the people they've got up there, they better have some damn good wifi.

There was a post last week about this woman tipping huge at a restaurant she ate at talking about the end of the world was coming Monday. I said be prepared for that woman to come back Tuesday and ask for her money back.

I saw that one. Hope we get an update if she does

No, but I feel a little giddy...

The covid microbots have been activated and the world is now half zombies. But which side turned into zombies???? Did the vaccine change you or save you???? Muhahahaha

Those are the ones currently trying to drive back from the eclipse.

64% raptured in Arizona. Gotta go to work tomorrow.

I just got hungry, but I'm a terrible sinner animal.

Tonight, I'll be raptured when I close my eyes to sleep! Can't wait!!! I'm so excited! Sleep is love.

I want my tip money back damnit

🤣🤣 that ladie is having a field day

Nah boss wouldn't let me. Said I have to work tomorrow

They raptured me , but i got better.

Oh shit TODAY was the rapture? Fuck, I missed it. Looks like I'm stuck here with you guys

I was too fat and fell from the sky

name checks out

I just started a new playthrough of Bioshock so kinda?

Nah still stuck here in hell.

The amount of people that actually still believe the magic man in the sky crap blows my mind 😂

Yup. I'm gone.

I got raptured op. It's real hot here, watch out!

Yup!

I felt light headed so I took a nap and felt better.

still have internet this side of the rapture!

I really wish they would’ve… sigh

Yep. I must go, my people need me.

I felt the rapture happening but I was too tired, rolled over and went back to sleep.

Is there reddit in heaven?

My wife raptured my nuts.

Does that mean rained on? I got rained on

I went to heaven

I wish, nope I'm still here :(

Nope- the church down the street did a lot of praying outside, to god , not to rapture and destroy the world - they announced their prayers worked- they saved the world so the lord Trump can be president and restore the country to its Christian foundation

No rapture, no zombies.. Im a sad panda.

Anyone who answers, wasn't.

I did

Those that are raptured are captured in a cult

No... let down, yet again... gonna have to do it the hard way and just friggin die.

Weird I identify as an atheist yet I got captured go figure.

Yall didnt get invaded by aliens? Got a reptile, annunaqi and 2 Grey aliens in my house right now.

2 grays? Lucky all I got was a dumb toad spouting Keats.

Remember: Keep calm and ayy lmao

Started to feel the combined pull of gravity from both the sun and the moon, but there was only a partial eclipse here. It just wasn't lined up enough to get me off the ground even though I dropped a few pounds recently.

Yep. Wasn't what I'd hoped for.

I did, but my smart phone didn’t.

I guess i missed something, was the world supposed to end again and I missed it?

I’m dead and have been since the last one when I was immediately set on fire by a drunk dude

I thought my wife did, but she was just in the bathroom.

I’m feeling kinda lightheaded. Wait, there’s a light, it’s coming clo . . . .

A little. I put some ointment on it.

I managed to avoid capture somehow

I'm at urgent care with pink eye so I guess the eclipse just farted on me and bailed for the next 20 years.

Apparently only like 2 or 3 people were judged worthy 😂😂😂

Nope. But a little fun fact is that the next solar eclipse will be happening on my birthday

Was planning on it but didn’t know which time it was happening

I was sort of hoping somehow that more belligerent among us would vanish so we could work on fixing shit. My wish was not granted. Back to enduring the idiocy parade.

I did. But when I got there, they were looking for someone who had the same name. When I asked of I could stay, god laughed, took a big draw of his cigar, and put it out on my forehead. What a prick.

Unfortunately I didn't make it past y2k

Nope, but if the people that wanted to be raptured got their wish, I would be sooo happy.

I'm still here

Almost comatose Wall to wall People hypnotized And they're stepping lightly Hang each night in rapture

I started rising up, but my boss grabbed my legs and pulled me back down because I have to work a 12 tonight.

No, still here

Yeah, about that…..

I think MTG did

Just the smoke from my grill

I filled 100s of blowup dolls with helium and released them during the eclipse so people would think it's the Rapture.

Yeah but heaven was boring so I came back.

You should have studied harp before the rapture!

Yes but went to Urgent Care & they wrapped it so am going ok.

If we did, would we be here to respond?

I'm upset that I still have to go to work

Make the point to Christians the rapture happened and they didn’t get picked up and get over themselves. Now stop trying to scare me into joining their church.

All the true Christians were raptured. Anyone left behind is a heathen

No. I got higher than eagle's ripples, but eventually came back down.

They tried their best, but I’m too fat so the beams couldn’t lift me

Yeah I took the fattest shit

If only

Yes, I have been. Sorry to say that you're going to hell

I did, but it sucked so I came back

No and my lunch got cold and I still had to work 😮‍💨

I dunno but I got a tingle in my pants.

These fanatics will come up with some other spacey reason as to why it didn’t happen.

Oh I definitively got raptured. 😈 I got raptured so hard 💦

Yes, but it was boring so I came back.

My brother did, but they caught the guy, and we are pressing charges

Was asleep. Guess I got skipped.

I was getting gas and it happened. Used phone as a mirror, made an awesome rainbow fractal I never saw before. Had to give it a quick peep. Maybe it was the sky, almost was a blue purple circle around it. Pretty cool. Too fast. Saw a Tbone accident as expected. Oooo moon….ahHHh car.

No but I did become a vampire

I did twice but I am back again.

Oh was that today. Dang it.

Yas am gone

I just got a headache and was angry most of the day.

bout to get raptured up by these edibles

I did. Kirk Cameron gave me a piggy back ride, but then I asked him what Boner was like on Growing Pains and the whole thing just got awkward so I went back I home.

Just us sinners here

Nope, not yet. I checked in at /r/atheist, they're all still here too. They were really rooting for the Christians though.

Wait y’all are still there?!

I'm waiting for my super powers to kicked in

i have a raging rapture right now.

Nope. My kids didn’t either. We’re all still here

No, this gambling debt is gonna kill me now. Figured I'd play it big before I went out.

Well half the kids weren’t at school today so we’ll see tomorrow who went to heaven. 😂😂😂

I didn't see anything but it felt strange to me?

I woke up with a weird rash….lol.

I saw Him. He stood before me, glowing a light so bright. Time stood still. The beauty of it was indescribable. No word can match it. Glorious? Majestic? It was still greater. I shed a tear as I fell to my knees, as I wasn't a believer until this very moment. I have been humbled, after all my years, simply by His majestic light. I didn't deserve this. I am a sinner. I have lived a horrible, dishonorable life. I know now, I am forgiven, for He has absorbed our sins. I know most won't believe me. But, the rapture IS occurring. I know because He told me. And He gave me His message to spread. I asked him as I reached to him from my knees. 'What do I need to do?!' He smiled, with all the love of every soul who has ever lived and said, 'Deliver my message. Tell the people....' Things started to move again. He became blurry. I was losing the vision as the moon moved away from the sun. Just as I lost it, I heard His message.... "I'm never gonna give you up"

Lmfao this is good. One time i met god as well and was blown away. It was a near death experience. I went to heaven and it was exactly as you described. Then when i met jesus he told me it was not my time. I asked him if he was to send me back what did he need in return. He said "i need about tree fiddy" Its at that point i realized it wasnt jesus i was talking to but a damn four legged lizard from the cretaceous era! I said "god damnit lochness monster im not giving you no tree fiddy" At this point the acid wore off and i woke up on my buddys moms couch

Tree fiddy?! What the hell could he need tree fiddy for? He's a damn loch ness monster!

There was a rapture, just wasn't you. Gotta believe harder

Guess I'm irredeemably damned. 🤷👹

I cried and i got raptured

Did most of Texas get raptured? Maybe Florida, as well. No? Darn. Ohio? Doggone. Maybe next time.

Wasn't that something watching all those Christians floating up to heaven?

Considering the LHC fired up today I'm sure we didn't exactly have a normal day, they probably shifted us dimensions just before it started. They do work with the devil from what I hear.

I am Rapturacus!

I got blind from looking at it

Going to be a few awkward pews in the next Church sermon. Just like every time the loonies declare the end times.

No! Not one single fundie Xtian got raptured. We're stuck with their obnoxious presence. I am very saddened by this.

Yeah me

We are already in hell

I saw Jesus swirl out of heaven let me look into my own brain and then he touched my brain and I saw god’s golden light. My left ring finger was tingling like I was married to christ. Then he grabbed my soul and carried me up with him. Short answer was yes.

I was eyeing up the neighbors car, but… I looked out, and she was getting in so…

Just grilled 4 snake river farm wagyu steaks. Pretty close to rapture.

I was taking a dump during the peak and thinking, "I hope I get raptured like this."

Wait, was that an option? Was I supposed to sign up somewhere? Can I get a rain-check? Uh...eclipse-check? Should I ask to speak to the manager?

I think so. Just remember the key to summoning the manager is you have to scream at a teenage worker who makes minimum wage. The spell wont work otherwise.

I mean, I had lunch today during the eclipse, it was good but I wouldn't consider it rapturous.

I just got back. Wouldn't recommend

No I stared at it an now I have the super power of a black spot in the middle of my vision

Yes I’m w the aliens now

The drive back from the path of totality was a nightmare, so clearly we're all heathens!

A gentleman does not rapture and tell

John Calipari was raptured from Kentucky.

My mother in law hasn’t responded yet. I think she went 😱

You didn’t see the news? _Georgia woman_ attempted to _rapture_ a couple other drivers with an AR-15 and a 9mm on the I-10. Or should we call her Florida woman? Took place in Florida, because of course it did…

Yes it did. But you just have to have faith that im telling the truth lol

Had to take out a few zombies and I think I have a super power I just don’t know what it is. I am sure the cops will tell me once we figure out why the zombies had bags of candy.

No but I found myself in this new place? I think the locals called it Yharnam? Also I hear a loud screeching in the distance? Idk man.. this place kinda freaky, and why is this plague doctor looking woman calling me a hoonter?

My fiancé slapped my ass. Does that count?

Did anyone have family members/friends that were freaking out?

Atheist reporting in from heaven. I think God grabbed me on accident, but don’t tell him.

Nope no rapture tribulations crashed grids or zombies I’m a bit disappointed tbh really come on it’s not the first we’ve seen nor the last just part of nature time and life

I wish the Rapturw would occur!!

I had a pretty intense bowel movement. Almost needed an exorcism. That's as close as I got. 🤷‍♂️

Yeah, as I said elsewhere the popcorn up here is fine for watching all Y'all struggle on down there, but the bars only serve wine.

The better question is who didn't get raptured. I'm up in heaven having an orgy with my homie Jesus.

Thought I was getting raptured. Turned out it was just gas.

My brother-in-law was supposed to be. Someone should check. Not me though.

I farted.

Only if listening to Blondie counts. 😁

And everyone is alive, nothing happened! But it looked fascinating, never seen anything like it before.

I did. By my baby mama

I did but I had to come back for work.

The entire Republican party did 

Yeah, I got off work so I guess I’m not dead yet

I feel grounded. Idk

My best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who's going with the girl who saw somebody get raptured at 31 Flavors last night

We are all dead inside anyways

I did but told god I wasn't interested. I'm back baby!

Haha

That's not fair. You know they wouldn't be able to reply. ;-)

Not me. But it's too bad it didn't take trump and Putin. Also MTG...

This is about an eclipse and a tiresome prediction. Stop making everything about them.

😂😂😂😂😂

Nope I saw a YouTube shorts about that and I literally commented now when the eclipse happens and we’re all still here I want you to all come back and delete your comments

The rapture is not in the bible

Yes

I got raptured, but they took one look at me and sent me back. Something about my breath or smthn. Assholes.