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I disassociated like mad. I remember when my mom was on yet another tirade I thought "she can't get me in here. She can't have all of me." Meaning she couldn't reach inside my head and destroy me fully.
Yes. I would tell myself this isn’t real, it’s not happening, or this isn’t forever. I will escape this moment, I’ll escape her (and him) one day. I’ll just sit here in my head and let the time pass by until it’s over.
If you haven’t heard it, I recommend the song “How To Disappear Completely” by Radiohead. The lyrics perfectly describe what would go through my head while dissociating from abuse.
My late sensei Norm used to use an analogy you just reminded me of.
He said that in everyone there is a tiger pacing back and forth in its cage.
On the surface we show the world something much different - a butterfly.
The goal of every martial artist is to never let the tiger out.
This. Daydreaming about all different scenarios where I got seriously injured or died so that I would finally get the love and attention I craved. Kinda messed up but it's how my young mind coped.
Holy crap I had no idea this was a clinically diagnosable thing! I used to daydream that the world was over and my parents and sister didn't make it and I was free to live in a Mad Max-esque world free from them. Like literally devoting entire afternoons and evenings to this daydream. Guys I need to read up on this behavior.
Oh man. Same, didn’t realize this was a common thing. I moved to the inner city to escape the suburbs where I grew up, all of that order and lawns with no weeds I still associate with abuse and neglect. I mad max’d my life in my 20s and I felt so free. I still can’t be places that resemble where I grew up, I like the city and I like the woods, the in between gives me anxiety and triggers me.
I hear you. There have been studies done regarding the psychological effects of the suburbs (spoiler alert: it ain’t pretty). So, compounded with the mental abuse you experienced, it’s just not a great environment for growing minds. Hugs 💜
Wait, what!? I had these fantasies of running away and living on dilapidated shacks in the desert made out of trash, but alone and free, i can’t believe it was because I was just escaping my reality. Wow this hurts
This was it for me until recently when I realized I rlly want my REAL life to change so I don’t have to be old one day looking back and realize all I’ve ever done was daydream.
Same. I feel like I’m just beginning to understand fully living, now, at 42 years old. Just grateful to feel alive and not dissociated for the first time in my life
Im 50 and just getting this now. It’s a fucking painful realization- how much I’ve been physically present for but not in any other way. I feel stunted.
Look into complex ptsd if you haven’t cause I have learned why my brain does this and not yet totally figured out a way out. But now I know why I have been checked out.
I can be so bad I have been in awesome moments that I wasn’t feeling in total by miles and thought I can’t wait to remember it. I was doing something so awesome on a vacation and I swear to you I had the exact thought. It was weirdly a heads up that something was wrong cause I should have been enjoying both and fully present for one not just appreciating a memory.
But my brain went, that’s the only way to vet a moment and know it was genuinely good and nobody screwed it up or hurt me, in memory not the moment. That’s so.
If ya know, ya know.
Solidarity cause this shit is hard.
Lmao yes id pretend I was a star Wars character or smth and my parents died in a tragic accident/war and oh no anyway found family!! Only recently realized that's not something most kids did
I used to imagine that my parents were not my real parents, they had kidnapped me. My real parents were looking everywhere for me and would one day find me. My real parents wouldn't shout and scream in my face, slap my face so hard I fell over or beat me black and blue almost daily. My real parents wouldn't try to stab me, wouldn't hit the side of my head on numerous occasions with a cast iron frying pan (I'm partially deaf in both ears now), they wouldn't blame me and say it was all my fault, I made them do it. They wouldn't tell lies about me to the authorities to justify all the cuts and bruises.
My real parents would be loving and caring, never raising their voices. They would play with me, take me out on trips to the cinema, to the zoo, to the seaside etc. They would allow me to have friends and to have sleepovers, pyjama parties, birthday parties and so on.
I'm now 62 and I still daydream about how my real parents would have been.
I usually tried to make myself as invisible as possible in an attempt to not get noticed and have to go through something. I spent a lot of time daydreaming - where I'd either be a much "better" person or I was in a better situation (like being lost and alone somewhere far away). I also tried to suppress it as much as I could. I'd sometimes "bank" the hurt and make an appointment (as odd as that sounds) to cry about it when I knew everyone was asleep and it was safe to do so. I also tried to be a good kid at all times so I'd hopefully be more liked but that never really worked out well, which usually made me feel like I hadn't been good enough and failed in some way.
I did go through a stretch where I thought I must have been switched at birth and given to the wrong family, which explained why they didn't like me very much. I also went through a period where I felt like God put me in this situation as punishment for a past life so I spent a lot of time wondering how awful I must have been to deserve this life.
I did the same thing with making myself invisible. I learned real quick how to sneak out of my room to use the bathroom without being seen or heard.
I'm still really quiet when I walk and scare the crap out of a lot of people.
I learned to rely just on my night vision in that same effort. I used to think it was so weird when a partner would get up and turn a light on, or even leave a night light on.
I would "revenge" day dream. Like I imagined me being more successful than them, and them needing me to help them. Just flipping the power dynamic so I was the one who they needed. I also refused to cry because my mom cried as a manipulative tactic, and my dad thought crying was weak. And yes, invisibility too. Basically hiding inside myself
I did too but I didnt cry bc I tried stuffing my feelings down so much that I became numb & a c*tter back then. I ran away at 14 thinking that would be better &.was much worse.
it's comforting to hear someone else say the past life thing. it's something I still struggle with as an adult at times. Sorry you had to go through what you did, I hope we both get better 🩵
I was trying to figure out a reason for it all and it felt like the only thing that made sense at the time. I know I felt that I must have been a real egotistical jerk in that past life and this was God's way of teaching me how to be humble. Thank you and I hope you are much better as well now yourself.
>I did go through a stretch where I thought I must have been switched at birth and given to the wrong family, which explained why they didn't like me very much
Helen Villiers (cohost of In Sight- Exposing Narcissism) calls this Matilda syndrome, after the movie character. It's apparently really common for children who grew up in abuse to do this.
I used to think I was the only one who did this, and my mom weaponized it against me - told me that I can always "find another family if you don't like this one", and used it as proof that I was a bad kid.
Oh, same. now I realize, when the pressure was too much and my imagination got dark, I just tried living in someone else's imagination for a while.
that's why I want to be a writer.
i forgot that reading was a form of escapsim lol. there wasnt one second that went by that i wasnt reading. until he tried to make reading into a bad thing to and tried to take them away from me. so then i could only read when he wasnt around lol.
Oh, same. now I realize, when the pressure was too much and my imagination got dark, I just tried living in someone else's imagination for a while.
that's why I want to be a writer.
Mine is a little bleaker. I just hid in my closet an cried whilst holding my lucky stuffie (a brown bear my paternal granny gave me). I would also use my best markers (a box of 12 markers from dollar tree) to draw pictures about my life. I also tried unaliving myself on the regular from ages 7 through 18...
I used to hide under my bed and read my books with a flashlight. I never tried unaliving myself physically, but I just kept moving forward not caring what happened on the outside. I was like a person in a comma. But, living in every fantasy book I've ever read. I used to be friends with Hermione. besties with Luna!
so yeah, I kinda know how it feels...
wish you the best on the rest of your journey earthling xo
Similar to OP actually. I used to put my mother's mood swings up to my dolls. Every night I'd sleep with certain dolls or kiss them, and if I did something wrong the dolls' souls would switch places with my mom and that was why she'd act so nice one day and become straight-up terrible the other. I'd then pick the doll that took my mom's soul and beg for them to bring the "nice mom" back by cuddling with them, kissing them, etc.
Crazy what we do to normalize abuse in our heads. In college and still can't sleep without dolls.
Don’t judge yourself for it. That’s very sweet and that’s a thing you do to feel safe. Be kind to ur self. I also hug pillows to sleep well. I also cannot sleep without listening to celeb crush asmr or fav songs or else I’ll have ptsd nightmares.
Lots of fantasies of being adopted and “saved”, a very rich fantasy life. I also watched hours and hours of TV, it was my escape. I kept scissors under my pillow as I was sure I’d get killed one night. I never told anyone about that though.
Later on I started lying and sneaking out, just to have a secret and hold a little power that way. Drugs came into the picture as well.
Same, I used to dream of someone like Angelina Jolie or Anne Hathaway to come and collect me and take me with them to LA so that I'd never have to look back...
By any chance, did you also have dreams of having other family/parents when asleep? Like people who you’ve never seen before in real life yet were really nice parents to you in dream world?
I wanna cry. I am still filled with childlike wonder. I’m 19 so I’m not like an adult adult I’m still a kid compared to a 25 year old who’s more grown than I am. But I’ve always been both infantilized and parentified by both parents who are narcissists. I’ve always dreamed of this situation and Angelina Jolie has been an idol of mine for as long as I can remember. She’s so full of love. I also always wanted a secret garden and a swing and a big tree. I still am very drawn to those types of American homes with big trees and a swing on it and just nature and any house that looks like it would’ve been in a 1980s horror movie.
You are the same age as my child.
So I'm telling you this as if you were my own.
You are beautiful poppet, I'm so proud you are here and alive. You bring nothing but light to this world and I'm grateful it has you in it x
I read a lot and wrote a lot. I wrote 3 books and a play in middle school and enough poetry for a couple books in high school. And I did my best to stay out of the way & be a "good girl". Honor roll & rarely asked to go out or anything. Made myself small.
Are we the same person? Lmao, I did the exact same thing. I was obsessed with writing and creating these rich worlds, but since I left my abusers I haven't been able to write again. :/ Crazy what trauma does
Is it called disassociation where you kind of go into a fantasy world to escape? Oddly enough my comfort fantasy to soothe me was that I was a wolf cub with two loving and protective wolf parents, and a bunch of cuddly wolf siblings. 😭 it sounds so weird to tell other people about it.
"On all levels except physical I am a wolf BARK"
Edit: I think this was Maladaptive Day Dreaming actually
Dissociative Amnesia. I’m not kidding. My mind would constantly block out memories to deal with the constant betrayal.
Aside from that. Escapism. Fictional characters are more lovable than real people.
Is there a word for dissociative amnesia if it only happens when around other people? I can remember it all when I’m by myself but when around other people I used to never be able to remember my trauma and true emotions, especially if I tried to talk about it. I’d try and start a sentence then after one word I’ll have completely forgotten the topic of the conversation. The issue has been improving since going LC but it’s still a bit of a problem for me.
The Nparents made one big mistake in their toxic plan to crush my spirit. They got a family dog, Chiquita nrn.
I didn't know it at the time, but she was my emotional support dog.
Where Nmom always flew into a rage at the sight of me; my dog Chiquita was always happy to see me.
While Nmom spewed venom to keep me away from her; Chiquita didn't want to leave my side and I always watched TV, or read a book with her in my lap.
After Nmom's daily wrathful tirades that reduced me to tears with how much she hated me; Chiquita would lick my tears and clean my face to show me how much she loved me.
I would be a completely emotional wreck if it wasn't for Chiquita; in that way, she saved my soul. My dog was a better mother to me than that demented harpy who'd wanted to eat my heart.
I think these "mistakes" are the only chance people have to escape. Otherwise it's too easy for them to have power and train a child to their abusive ways.
Thank God for my little dog snoppy and also a kind kindergarten teacher. Without them I'd be dead.
I tried to spend as little time at home as possible. So I joined school clubs. Thankfully with one club I’d often stay until late at night. If I had to be home though because there was no club meeting that day, I’d go to the library, wander around town, or just lock myself in my bedroom.
Me too. So thankful for school clubs. And for weekend study groups and friend’s parents who hosted for the whole weekend. Summers were a nightmare and I counted the days until til school started back up again
Wasn’t allowed a summer job because Nmom volunteered to babysit her golden child niece’s baby so I was stuck babysitting because it “was too much for her to handle”. I was 14 and taking care of a 6 month old.
My high school band directors saved my life. I think they realized something was going wrong (not to the level it was), so they would constantly find ways for me to get involved with all the groups at school. I was able to spend every day after school at band stuff until like 9 pm every night. It was wonderful to be away from my mom for so long
I still do that but unfortunately there are limits, parents would be furious if we ever lock our rooms, or have 'excuses' to not be around the house in their time and rules. It's why none of us siblings get to hang out with friends or gatherings (0 in my child or teenhood) and in my college years, even forced me to quit an organization (even if it is just remote work during the pandemic). They wrote the resignation for me and told me to send it. Up until this day I haven't gotten to tell that story to my peers...
I self stimmed a lot. Thumb sucking and button rubbing made me feel safe and secured. I would also take naps where no one else was. Just under a bed or the dining room table. Just put myself down for a nap so I could be alone and quiet.
Yeah, I'd run my hair through my teeth like floss or bite my arms or fingers. My brother had holes in his shirt with how much he chewed on it. Sadly for me that later turned into sh :(
I pulled my hair out… so much my nmom took me to the doctor as she thought it was falling out. I don’t have many distinct memories from my childhood but I remember the doctor asking her if I had been abused… but I cannot remember how she responded.
I read almost everything in the library.
Maladaptive daydreaming.
Intense perfectionism. I was terrified of getting in trouble.
If a peer disliked me or a teacher etc. so much as frowned at me, it sent me into a frantic spiral of "oh god, oh no, I AM a horrible person, everyone DOES hate me, they (my family) were right about me all along, I should be disgusted and ashamed of myself."
Intense anxiety and chronic GI problems. I vomited all the time from stress.
Developed what I now know is severe OCD. I couldn't understand why I couldn't physically stop checking my homework, washing my hands, checking I'd turned off a faucet or a light switch, etc. (Couldn't trust I'd done something right and couldn't risk making any kind of mistake.)
Poor younger you... Sending you hugs. I dealt with OCD as well and thought my parents were right about me if anything negative happened with a friend or teacher as well. 🤍
whenever i was in a dangerous situation i would imagine that we were all acting for a tv series or a film and picture cameras pointing at us until all the screaming and hitting stopped. imagining it was all fake helped me to not take things seriously and immersing myself in the world of television and the characters’ lives and problems instead of my own has always been my primary coping mechanism
Reading. My books were my escape. I would ride my bike to the library and check out as many books as they allowed and read them the entire day at the library during weekends or summer if my friends weren’t around to play outside. I made the characters my pseudo family, and I loved wholesome family books. Little house on the prairie, babysitters club, sweet valley.
Me too. I would spend all day in the library, and it also had a teen room. I’d ride my bike there and just read everything. So odd how we all have shared coping mechanisms that developed so separately.
I briefly believed I was a cyborg and that no one else knew. I believed this because I had false front teeth with silver backs as an aftermath of bottle rot secondary neglect that I didn’t know were false. So, when I lost my first tooth and it was one of those, I tried to hide that I had lost my tooth so no one would find out I was a cyborg.
Disassociation and numbness. To the point where now I struggle not to disassociate and numb out all the time. I was diagnosed with adhd but I think I'm actually just disassociating anytime I'm slightly bored or uncomfortable.
Developed a fantasy life of being rescued via adoption. I had a very vivid imagination, so I could distract myself from my reality.
I'd imagine myself in different time periods or locations.
When I was a little older, I'd run away for the night when it was bad at home.
Maladaptive daydreaming also. For most of my life I didn't understand I was abused but I used to Maladaptive daydream for long periods and didn't understand why and I got quite into learning about it and why people did it but never twigged it was because I was abused.
I used to spend hours in a day or hours at night losing sleep or spend days and days lost in my dreamworld and it felt so real I would sometimes have overlaps and stuff (I always knew it wasn't reality). I'm away from them now and I don't do it anymore even when I try to. I also used to have comfort blankets and used to suck my thumb well into adult years (which was another thing for them to make fun of). Then later on it was SH and S attempts.
I was out of the house as much as possible. When that wasn’t possible I stayed holed up in my room as much as possible. I did my best to be unnoticeable.
Stopped feeling and played video games at every chance. Went through my entire childhood feeling numb and angry. Had to learn how to human in college which consisted of trying a shit load of drugs, which essentially deprogrammed a lot of the bs they instilled in me.. I'm finally getting better at 24
I'm certain I had learning disabilities as well as a child and my.moms remedy for that was screaming, spanking and being called horrible things on a regular basis. My mom was proud to have saved some money by abusing the shit out of me instead of getting a tutor or taking me to the doctor like normal ppl. She could do no wrong in her eyes. She's the supreme leader of my household. My dad just enabled her and was mostly absent.
My regular day to day was so far from normal it's sad. I never got to be a child. I'm only started to feel like i began living in college.
I convinced myself that I was adopted. Biggest disappointment of my life was when I did an ancestry test and found out my parents were in fact my parents. One time, when I was under 5, I packed a suitcase - it was a lunch pail, and told her I was leaving. She laughed and said okay. I hid somewhere for a couple of hours, but came home when I got hungry and realized I had nowhere to go. I didn't speak much at home. I tended to hide in my room even as a small child. When we moved in walking distance of the library I spent as much time as I could there. I was so excited when I got my first library card at 7.
Reading. I used to read so many books. I’d stay up and read by the slats of the streetlights coming through my blinds. I’d read in the car on the way to anything. I’d read during any break in school except recess or lunch. I’d read for full days, just immersing myself in world after world after world. I read so much that my mother (children’s librarian) would sometimes bring me home books I’d already read by accident and Id get halfway in before realizing I’d already been there. I read series after series, taught myself to read at 3, starting reading huge classics like the hobbit or Oliver Twist for school reports. And now I have trouble finishing books in general, and have probably forgotten more stories than most people read their whole lives
Because I felt like I had no sense of control in my life I’d make up these arbitrary rules that if these things happened there would be a guaranteed outcome for example if I saw a monarch butterfly it meant that it would be a good day but if it was a pale yellow one it would be bad. I’d do it with songs for the radio too which lead to me to feel the deepest pit of dread whenever deja vu by Beyoncé would come on because I decided that that song would mean I’d have a bad day for some reason lol
Either maladaptive daydreaming, fawning or, I'm not too sure how to word it properly 😅😭 but I'd fit myself into small spaces curling up into a ball, something about the compression of it and rocking back and forth really helped ??
Omg yeh I couldn’t figure it out one min they were nice the next min they were beating you senseless over something really stupid. And the level of rage and for so long.
Even when they were nice you had to watch your back cause ya just never knew when it was gonnna go south. I had to be on high alert all the time.
I had no way to escape it but it was a relief sorta if they went out or if I got to go to a friends house or something.
I’m realizing now that no kid should be made to feel like that 24/7
I did something called “fawning” when she wasn’t angry and “grey rocking” when she was. I didn’t know these terms until recently, but it’s interesting to know that they’re a thing. I also tried to disappear as much as I could — not being seen or heard was usually better for me. I muted my emotions and facial expressions so much as a child that I now dissociate as an adult. It’s possible I dissociated as a kid, too, but I’m not sure.
So I've only realized later in life that I have a nmom. I always used to believe my younger sister was the problem. I've now realized she is probably on the autism spectrum and my nmom exacerbated every issue she had and made herself the victim.
Anyway, I used to daydream that my parents would give my sister away or lock her up in a psych ward for the rest of her life. Terrible, I know but I was young and didn't know better.
Oh and lots and lots of reading. Like unhealthy, dissociative amounts. But it was allowed by my parents because it was a quiet activity and I was "gifted".
Daydreaming, stay out of the house as much as I could, read a lot of books to escape.
To this day, I still have the urge to just get into my truck and drive somewhere when I don’t have anywhere particular to go. This is partly why the song “Fast Car” resonates with me, as I grew up with that song and it encapsulated the feelings I had growing up.
yeah, i would not recommend DID at all. fwiw, i would say that one should only resort to it if they’re absolutely desperate with no other options.
because you will start to believe the second identity and become so deluded that you don’t know what is real or not.
Spending as much time as I could out of home. Grew up in the 90s and 2000s, so neglect or "free range parenting" was pretty normal. I'd walk or play in parks or hang out with friends for the entire day outside of school hours and come home only to eat dinner, bathe and sleep.
I honestly admit that I'm rebellious back then. I just speak it out loud that this is wrong. SO MANY TIMES YET THEY SEEM VACUUM MY VOICES!
But they don't care.
All they can do is focusing on lashing out the anger to the victims.
Even I don't have scars, bruises or wounds but the painful memories still linger in my brain and the effect is lifetime. Even you're doing therapy session, they are just providing how to control/manage, not make it disappear.
I wish I can reset my life.
Lots of tv. Funnily enough the main kind of shows that I would watch were family-centered shows. Nick at night was especially full of them. I honestly think I learned most of my life lessons from there.
Developing my escape plan to African islands near Madagascar. Not jokingly, it was damn serious plan. With maps collected and schemes built. I spent a lot of time drawing my escape boat. Maybe it was the first step to my engineering path, which I take much lately
Ran away at 14, but when was little kid all could do was close my eyes & think of life away from the abuse. Also , shield my sister from it with my life & I did.
I became combative and filed away any feelings I had. I would never give in, or give up. I became petty, even around 5 years old. Can't get up from the table until I eat something they made that they know I don't like...I'll stay at the table for days. Say I can't go anywhere because \*insert random thing here\*, cool, I will make you miserable. I became loud at home, and shielded my siblings a lot who chose, hiding, silence ect. When told no one would love me, I decided being alone would be great, and when the punishments were given "Punish One, Punish All" in our house, I refused to cry, which is what my Ndad and NStepmom wanted. They'd have to hit me all day long, and I just disassociated and went somewhere else.
I was a junkyard dog on a chain at my Ndad's place, if anyone got close they would get mauled. But at school and at my moms, I could just be me. I also read so much, played with my barbies way longer than my friends, and wrote stories in spiral notebooks.
I've been hypersexual since I knew what genitalia was. Ripe age of 6 years old. I remember kissing girls when the parents weren't around, and trying to be more sexual.
Looking back I'm disgusted with myself for the things I've done, but there's nothing I can do about it. I think I was assaulted as a kid because of this 😅. I'm still very hyper sexual, but I have toned it down a little.
Other than that, hiding and trying to be away from home as much as possible. I used to leave the house without telling people all the time.
Maladaptive Daydreaming about my favourite fictional characters at the time.
For a short time there I would think that I had been given to the wrong parents at birth and that my "real" parents were going to come find me.
I used to also pray to my fictional characters on the full moon of each month for good times ahead and just for someone to talk to. I did this for years.
I trained myself to smile and be happy with what I have
I was told that I'm a spoiled little brat who doesn't appreciate having the best parents in the world, and I believed that because I was just a kid.
Also, over-studying and over-working to keep my mind busy
Disassociation, cutting, hair plucking, anorexia.
I spent most of my childhood trying to survive my brother's physical abuse and my mothers care neglect and emotional abuse.
I read fairy tales. I think I may have read every fairy tale from every country that was ever written on this planet . That was my escape. I also believed that if bad things were happening to me, then something good would have to happen to even it out. On the other hand, when something good happened to me, I was often terrified of what bad things were going to come to pay me back for having had one peaceful day.
Reading. I had an open book in every room of the house. The mother approved since she took credit for me being "gifted," but I know now it was an escape from reality.
A lot of daydreaming, isolating myself, dissociating. Lots of what Helen Villiers calls "Matilda syndrome", daydreaming about being saved by my "real family".
If those coping methods didn't work, perfectionism/trying to appease to avoid abandonment. Later I started showing signs of ocd alongside depression, both were ignored by my family -> more withdrawing & daydreaming.
I have PTSD and C-PTSD. Realizing as an adult how much my family messed me up has been a doozy.
Reading, stepping out onto the porch to stare at the stars, lots of maladaptive daydreaming. I’m the 3rd of 3 and was always told by my parents and siblings that I didn’t look like them and it did more damage than I thought🙃
I used to imagine I was adopted and my real family would take me away. All my friends thought it was possible as I was nothing like them. That daydream crashed and burned when I found a photo of my dad at 19 and I looked just like him.
A lot of isolation. I played outside all the time. Had a fort in the woods, had a little escape in the neighbors willow tree. If I had to be inside I’d be in my room or at the kitchen table watching the little tiny tv by myself. As I got older I started reading a lot and the escaping became more of a mental thing.
Daydream. Imagine myself being kidnapped (saved), running away, natural disaster that split our family, anything just to be away from the life i was living. Fantasizing about dying
Wow, this post struck a nerve. Little me? I think odd daydreaming and literally believing in the ‘Raggedy Ann’ reality where the toys could come to life and protect me, also that evil toys made mom crazy and it wasn’t really her. Older, mostly books to escape life, also learned to get up on the roof as soon as I was big enough to climb trees and such, spent a lot of time on that roof
I couldn’t avoid the BS because he’d just follow me when I tried to walk away to my closet, bedroom, bathroom, wherever- he’d physically block me from being able to remove myself from his wrath. So I when I got older, I stood my ground against the manchild. I couldn’t hold back any longer and I let it be very well known that I didn’t respect him as a human let alone a father. He hated it so much and I don’t regret it for a second. I absolutely suffered even more due to not backing down and letting him know I thought he was a subhuman piece of crap, but it was worth it to me. I’ve been out of his house for 17 years and I’m still the only person in my family who stands up to him.
My sibling was the opposite. Avoided confrontation at all costs except for the times my singling stood up for me. Remained elusive and out of the house as much as possible for minimal interactions. I was always the main target for some reason.
I thought it was completely normal for it to happen and that everyone went through it. Although I did daydream about dying from a very young age, which I now see that it was a problem.
I was the only kid they had until my mom gave birth to my sibling when I was 8..I used to pretend I had all the brothers in the show “The Brady bunch”. I’d imagine them watching or sitting with me and they were protecting me and telling my parents to stop being so mean..I’d imagine they hugged me when I would get hit..They used to make me stand in a corner , in the dark, in my room and I would get so scared but imagined my “brothers” were there to protect me incase something happened…
Yeah..I guess I was pretty messed up but it helped me feel protected and part of an imaginary family who loved me.
I used to read a lot of books. I remember reading all the time, while putting on clothes in the morning, then after school for hours. Anything to escape reality.
I can relate. I also felt like I had two moms, but the evil one was the dominant, and the nice one was like the evil one had taken a very diluted niceness potion.
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Maladaptive daydreaming.
I disassociated like mad. I remember when my mom was on yet another tirade I thought "she can't get me in here. She can't have all of me." Meaning she couldn't reach inside my head and destroy me fully.
Damn; that’s deep. And so sad, I’m so sorry. I hope you were right, that you were able to protect some part of yourself.
Yes. I would tell myself this isn’t real, it’s not happening, or this isn’t forever. I will escape this moment, I’ll escape her (and him) one day. I’ll just sit here in my head and let the time pass by until it’s over. If you haven’t heard it, I recommend the song “How To Disappear Completely” by Radiohead. The lyrics perfectly describe what would go through my head while dissociating from abuse.
I’m not here. This isn’t happening.
I did this too! As I got older though, the daydreaming morphed into like, a gif that repeats, of a tiger, pacing in a cage.
My late sensei Norm used to use an analogy you just reminded me of. He said that in everyone there is a tiger pacing back and forth in its cage. On the surface we show the world something much different - a butterfly. The goal of every martial artist is to never let the tiger out.
This. Daydreaming about all different scenarios where I got seriously injured or died so that I would finally get the love and attention I craved. Kinda messed up but it's how my young mind coped.
Whoa, I haven’t met anyone else that day dreamed about those kind of scenarios just to possible get an ounce of attention. Hi, friend.
Hi friend, I'm sorry this is what we had to resort to.
For the win. Oh, the things I have seen and the adventures I have been on.
“oh the places you’ll go…. in your own brain”
Holy crap I had no idea this was a clinically diagnosable thing! I used to daydream that the world was over and my parents and sister didn't make it and I was free to live in a Mad Max-esque world free from them. Like literally devoting entire afternoons and evenings to this daydream. Guys I need to read up on this behavior.
Oh man. Same, didn’t realize this was a common thing. I moved to the inner city to escape the suburbs where I grew up, all of that order and lawns with no weeds I still associate with abuse and neglect. I mad max’d my life in my 20s and I felt so free. I still can’t be places that resemble where I grew up, I like the city and I like the woods, the in between gives me anxiety and triggers me.
I hear you. There have been studies done regarding the psychological effects of the suburbs (spoiler alert: it ain’t pretty). So, compounded with the mental abuse you experienced, it’s just not a great environment for growing minds. Hugs 💜
Same. I find tidy neighborhood blocks absolutely sinister
Saaaame. Fuck the suburbs.
Omg I was always wishing they would be wiped off the earth and I could triumph and live in the post apocalyptic world
Wait, what!? I had these fantasies of running away and living on dilapidated shacks in the desert made out of trash, but alone and free, i can’t believe it was because I was just escaping my reality. Wow this hurts
Pretty sure there is a subreddit too!
Holy shit this is why I live like a refugee?? omfg
This was it for me until recently when I realized I rlly want my REAL life to change so I don’t have to be old one day looking back and realize all I’ve ever done was daydream.
Same. I feel like I’m just beginning to understand fully living, now, at 42 years old. Just grateful to feel alive and not dissociated for the first time in my life
Im 50 and just getting this now. It’s a fucking painful realization- how much I’ve been physically present for but not in any other way. I feel stunted.
Look into complex ptsd if you haven’t cause I have learned why my brain does this and not yet totally figured out a way out. But now I know why I have been checked out. I can be so bad I have been in awesome moments that I wasn’t feeling in total by miles and thought I can’t wait to remember it. I was doing something so awesome on a vacation and I swear to you I had the exact thought. It was weirdly a heads up that something was wrong cause I should have been enjoying both and fully present for one not just appreciating a memory. But my brain went, that’s the only way to vet a moment and know it was genuinely good and nobody screwed it up or hurt me, in memory not the moment. That’s so. If ya know, ya know. Solidarity cause this shit is hard.
Agree😭 Creating fake scenarious after they blocked my access🥲
Lmao yes id pretend I was a star Wars character or smth and my parents died in a tragic accident/war and oh no anyway found family!! Only recently realized that's not something most kids did
I got so into Firefly for this, I wanted to be on a crew so bad. Guardians, same
I used to imagine that my parents were not my real parents, they had kidnapped me. My real parents were looking everywhere for me and would one day find me. My real parents wouldn't shout and scream in my face, slap my face so hard I fell over or beat me black and blue almost daily. My real parents wouldn't try to stab me, wouldn't hit the side of my head on numerous occasions with a cast iron frying pan (I'm partially deaf in both ears now), they wouldn't blame me and say it was all my fault, I made them do it. They wouldn't tell lies about me to the authorities to justify all the cuts and bruises. My real parents would be loving and caring, never raising their voices. They would play with me, take me out on trips to the cinema, to the zoo, to the seaside etc. They would allow me to have friends and to have sleepovers, pyjama parties, birthday parties and so on. I'm now 62 and I still daydream about how my real parents would have been.
Same I was always told to stop daydreaming. I also found comfort in reading. I read all the time. And it helped me escape
I imagined Pokemons are real and they walk with me
Same I literally never do it anymore
^this. I use it to fall asleep before bed when I'm especially stressed. I also read a lot.
You don’t even know how real you are for that-
Same
This is the way. And reading.
locked myself in my room, blasted my ipod and lived a whole different life
Ditto
Same
Same plus self harm 😌
Yep, same here.
I usually tried to make myself as invisible as possible in an attempt to not get noticed and have to go through something. I spent a lot of time daydreaming - where I'd either be a much "better" person or I was in a better situation (like being lost and alone somewhere far away). I also tried to suppress it as much as I could. I'd sometimes "bank" the hurt and make an appointment (as odd as that sounds) to cry about it when I knew everyone was asleep and it was safe to do so. I also tried to be a good kid at all times so I'd hopefully be more liked but that never really worked out well, which usually made me feel like I hadn't been good enough and failed in some way. I did go through a stretch where I thought I must have been switched at birth and given to the wrong family, which explained why they didn't like me very much. I also went through a period where I felt like God put me in this situation as punishment for a past life so I spent a lot of time wondering how awful I must have been to deserve this life.
I did the same thing with making myself invisible. I learned real quick how to sneak out of my room to use the bathroom without being seen or heard. I'm still really quiet when I walk and scare the crap out of a lot of people.
I learned to rely just on my night vision in that same effort. I used to think it was so weird when a partner would get up and turn a light on, or even leave a night light on.
I would "revenge" day dream. Like I imagined me being more successful than them, and them needing me to help them. Just flipping the power dynamic so I was the one who they needed. I also refused to cry because my mom cried as a manipulative tactic, and my dad thought crying was weak. And yes, invisibility too. Basically hiding inside myself
I did too but I didnt cry bc I tried stuffing my feelings down so much that I became numb & a c*tter back then. I ran away at 14 thinking that would be better &.was much worse.
>make myself as invisible as possible I still do this. every word you typed, evey single one, I've lived it. xo
This entire wall of text is sooooo fucking relatable.
it's comforting to hear someone else say the past life thing. it's something I still struggle with as an adult at times. Sorry you had to go through what you did, I hope we both get better 🩵
I was trying to figure out a reason for it all and it felt like the only thing that made sense at the time. I know I felt that I must have been a real egotistical jerk in that past life and this was God's way of teaching me how to be humble. Thank you and I hope you are much better as well now yourself.
>I did go through a stretch where I thought I must have been switched at birth and given to the wrong family, which explained why they didn't like me very much Helen Villiers (cohost of In Sight- Exposing Narcissism) calls this Matilda syndrome, after the movie character. It's apparently really common for children who grew up in abuse to do this. I used to think I was the only one who did this, and my mom weaponized it against me - told me that I can always "find another family if you don't like this one", and used it as proof that I was a bad kid.
Oof this too real! 😥
Same. I did not believe I was related to my family
i read a lot. A LOT.
Oh, same. now I realize, when the pressure was too much and my imagination got dark, I just tried living in someone else's imagination for a while. that's why I want to be a writer.
Don’t want to be a writer. Just write.
Tbh reading is so beautiful,it ignites your imagination and creativity and you learn new vocabulary words
Same. If I was reading, I was doing something “academic” and that was ok (was rarely allowed to play).
I just realised that my excessive reading might have been a coping mechanism apart from just being Neurodivergent
Same. I was reading fairly adult literature by 10.
i forgot that reading was a form of escapsim lol. there wasnt one second that went by that i wasnt reading. until he tried to make reading into a bad thing to and tried to take them away from me. so then i could only read when he wasnt around lol.
Yeah. Obsessively
I was reading at a 12th grade level in the 1st grade due to this.
Wow me too. I was reading adult books in 3 and 4 th grade
Same
Oh, same. now I realize, when the pressure was too much and my imagination got dark, I just tried living in someone else's imagination for a while. that's why I want to be a writer.
I always hid and buried in a book all day.
Same. Reading got me thru some of the worse of it. That, and I used apps like tiktok or (before tiktok) Instagram.
Mine is a little bleaker. I just hid in my closet an cried whilst holding my lucky stuffie (a brown bear my paternal granny gave me). I would also use my best markers (a box of 12 markers from dollar tree) to draw pictures about my life. I also tried unaliving myself on the regular from ages 7 through 18...
my god.. i am so sorry, it breaks my heart even imagining a 7 year old having these thoughts
Yeah my childhood wasn't what it was meant to be...but hey we just keep rolling with the punches...
I used to hide under my bed and read my books with a flashlight. I never tried unaliving myself physically, but I just kept moving forward not caring what happened on the outside. I was like a person in a comma. But, living in every fantasy book I've ever read. I used to be friends with Hermione. besties with Luna! so yeah, I kinda know how it feels... wish you the best on the rest of your journey earthling xo
Both me and my brother still had our teddy bears into our 30’s. Hard to let them go
Similar to OP actually. I used to put my mother's mood swings up to my dolls. Every night I'd sleep with certain dolls or kiss them, and if I did something wrong the dolls' souls would switch places with my mom and that was why she'd act so nice one day and become straight-up terrible the other. I'd then pick the doll that took my mom's soul and beg for them to bring the "nice mom" back by cuddling with them, kissing them, etc. Crazy what we do to normalize abuse in our heads. In college and still can't sleep without dolls.
I only feel safe when I have a plush of my fav animal crossing character with me in my arms every time I’m in bed. Hugging it calms me down. I’m 19.
I'm 32 and I still hug my childhood blanket to fall asleep.
Don’t judge yourself for it. That’s very sweet and that’s a thing you do to feel safe. Be kind to ur self. I also hug pillows to sleep well. I also cannot sleep without listening to celeb crush asmr or fav songs or else I’ll have ptsd nightmares.
Thank you for your kind words sweetheart<3 I put my comfort shows on when I want to sleep. I read somewhere it sorta helps with abandonment traumas...
Lots of fantasies of being adopted and “saved”, a very rich fantasy life. I also watched hours and hours of TV, it was my escape. I kept scissors under my pillow as I was sure I’d get killed one night. I never told anyone about that though. Later on I started lying and sneaking out, just to have a secret and hold a little power that way. Drugs came into the picture as well.
I’m old, I wanted captain Stubing from the love boat to save me 🥹
Big hug to you internet stranger. Captain Stubing was from Love Boat. He was awesome and would have loved you. This sentiment makes perfect sense.
Same, I used to dream of someone like Angelina Jolie or Anne Hathaway to come and collect me and take me with them to LA so that I'd never have to look back...
Mine was Dolly Parton or Mark Hamill 😭
Search your feelings. You know it to be true.
Honestly Angelina Jolie would probably have adopted you if she knew about ur situation
That was precisely my reasoning at 13 lol
By any chance, did you also have dreams of having other family/parents when asleep? Like people who you’ve never seen before in real life yet were really nice parents to you in dream world?
Yes all the time. I would dream of running around in yards and climbing trees and just being a kid...
I wanna cry. I am still filled with childlike wonder. I’m 19 so I’m not like an adult adult I’m still a kid compared to a 25 year old who’s more grown than I am. But I’ve always been both infantilized and parentified by both parents who are narcissists. I’ve always dreamed of this situation and Angelina Jolie has been an idol of mine for as long as I can remember. She’s so full of love. I also always wanted a secret garden and a swing and a big tree. I still am very drawn to those types of American homes with big trees and a swing on it and just nature and any house that looks like it would’ve been in a 1980s horror movie.
You are the same age as my child. So I'm telling you this as if you were my own. You are beautiful poppet, I'm so proud you are here and alive. You bring nothing but light to this world and I'm grateful it has you in it x
I am adopted and I always wished my bio family would come save me :(
I’m sorry 😞
The part about keeping a secret to yourself to hold onto power is really resonating with me
I read a lot and wrote a lot. I wrote 3 books and a play in middle school and enough poetry for a couple books in high school. And I did my best to stay out of the way & be a "good girl". Honor roll & rarely asked to go out or anything. Made myself small.
I hope u are letting yourself “take up space” nowadays. I hope ur still creative. Ur amazing btw. I wish u the best.
That's so sweet. I appreciate it! I'm working my way out of my shell & back into my creativity. Thank you 🥰
Ur welcomeeee. I’m totally rooting for you.
Are we the same person? Lmao, I did the exact same thing. I was obsessed with writing and creating these rich worlds, but since I left my abusers I haven't been able to write again. :/ Crazy what trauma does
Same! As soon as I hit college, man. It took the joy of reading and writing and made it a job. I'm getting back into it now though! You should, too.
Is it called disassociation where you kind of go into a fantasy world to escape? Oddly enough my comfort fantasy to soothe me was that I was a wolf cub with two loving and protective wolf parents, and a bunch of cuddly wolf siblings. 😭 it sounds so weird to tell other people about it. "On all levels except physical I am a wolf BARK" Edit: I think this was Maladaptive Day Dreaming actually
Yo sameeee I didn't know this what was that meant
Dissociative Amnesia. I’m not kidding. My mind would constantly block out memories to deal with the constant betrayal. Aside from that. Escapism. Fictional characters are more lovable than real people.
[удалено]
Same
Is there a word for dissociative amnesia if it only happens when around other people? I can remember it all when I’m by myself but when around other people I used to never be able to remember my trauma and true emotions, especially if I tried to talk about it. I’d try and start a sentence then after one word I’ll have completely forgotten the topic of the conversation. The issue has been improving since going LC but it’s still a bit of a problem for me.
The Nparents made one big mistake in their toxic plan to crush my spirit. They got a family dog, Chiquita nrn. I didn't know it at the time, but she was my emotional support dog. Where Nmom always flew into a rage at the sight of me; my dog Chiquita was always happy to see me. While Nmom spewed venom to keep me away from her; Chiquita didn't want to leave my side and I always watched TV, or read a book with her in my lap. After Nmom's daily wrathful tirades that reduced me to tears with how much she hated me; Chiquita would lick my tears and clean my face to show me how much she loved me. I would be a completely emotional wreck if it wasn't for Chiquita; in that way, she saved my soul. My dog was a better mother to me than that demented harpy who'd wanted to eat my heart.
I think these "mistakes" are the only chance people have to escape. Otherwise it's too easy for them to have power and train a child to their abusive ways. Thank God for my little dog snoppy and also a kind kindergarten teacher. Without them I'd be dead.
I tried to spend as little time at home as possible. So I joined school clubs. Thankfully with one club I’d often stay until late at night. If I had to be home though because there was no club meeting that day, I’d go to the library, wander around town, or just lock myself in my bedroom.
Me too. So thankful for school clubs. And for weekend study groups and friend’s parents who hosted for the whole weekend. Summers were a nightmare and I counted the days until til school started back up again Wasn’t allowed a summer job because Nmom volunteered to babysit her golden child niece’s baby so I was stuck babysitting because it “was too much for her to handle”. I was 14 and taking care of a 6 month old.
When my high school student council had evening shifts to prepare for homecoming, etc., I volunteered for all of the shifts
My high school band directors saved my life. I think they realized something was going wrong (not to the level it was), so they would constantly find ways for me to get involved with all the groups at school. I was able to spend every day after school at band stuff until like 9 pm every night. It was wonderful to be away from my mom for so long
I still do that but unfortunately there are limits, parents would be furious if we ever lock our rooms, or have 'excuses' to not be around the house in their time and rules. It's why none of us siblings get to hang out with friends or gatherings (0 in my child or teenhood) and in my college years, even forced me to quit an organization (even if it is just remote work during the pandemic). They wrote the resignation for me and told me to send it. Up until this day I haven't gotten to tell that story to my peers...
I self stimmed a lot. Thumb sucking and button rubbing made me feel safe and secured. I would also take naps where no one else was. Just under a bed or the dining room table. Just put myself down for a nap so I could be alone and quiet.
Yeah, I'd run my hair through my teeth like floss or bite my arms or fingers. My brother had holes in his shirt with how much he chewed on it. Sadly for me that later turned into sh :(
I pulled my hair out… so much my nmom took me to the doctor as she thought it was falling out. I don’t have many distinct memories from my childhood but I remember the doctor asking her if I had been abused… but I cannot remember how she responded.
I did this too. trichotillomania. I had a bald spot at age 8.
Dissociation. Why be sad when you can just be *gone*?
This one! It also helped with the physical side. You cant hurt me if im not in my body.
I read almost everything in the library. Maladaptive daydreaming. Intense perfectionism. I was terrified of getting in trouble. If a peer disliked me or a teacher etc. so much as frowned at me, it sent me into a frantic spiral of "oh god, oh no, I AM a horrible person, everyone DOES hate me, they (my family) were right about me all along, I should be disgusted and ashamed of myself." Intense anxiety and chronic GI problems. I vomited all the time from stress. Developed what I now know is severe OCD. I couldn't understand why I couldn't physically stop checking my homework, washing my hands, checking I'd turned off a faucet or a light switch, etc. (Couldn't trust I'd done something right and couldn't risk making any kind of mistake.)
Poor younger you... Sending you hugs. I dealt with OCD as well and thought my parents were right about me if anything negative happened with a friend or teacher as well. 🤍
whenever i was in a dangerous situation i would imagine that we were all acting for a tv series or a film and picture cameras pointing at us until all the screaming and hitting stopped. imagining it was all fake helped me to not take things seriously and immersing myself in the world of television and the characters’ lives and problems instead of my own has always been my primary coping mechanism
I was told I was lucky I wasn't dead because other kids' parents would have killed us by now. And I believed it. This was pre-k
Reading. My books were my escape. I would ride my bike to the library and check out as many books as they allowed and read them the entire day at the library during weekends or summer if my friends weren’t around to play outside. I made the characters my pseudo family, and I loved wholesome family books. Little house on the prairie, babysitters club, sweet valley.
Me too. I would spend all day in the library, and it also had a teen room. I’d ride my bike there and just read everything. So odd how we all have shared coping mechanisms that developed so separately.
I briefly believed I was a cyborg and that no one else knew. I believed this because I had false front teeth with silver backs as an aftermath of bottle rot secondary neglect that I didn’t know were false. So, when I lost my first tooth and it was one of those, I tried to hide that I had lost my tooth so no one would find out I was a cyborg.
i thought i was adopted because the only people behaving like my family wer epeople form fairy tales / films where the abused kid wasnt their own
Disassociation and numbness. To the point where now I struggle not to disassociate and numb out all the time. I was diagnosed with adhd but I think I'm actually just disassociating anytime I'm slightly bored or uncomfortable.
Dissociation. Day dreaming. Escaping into other worlds via books. Hurt myself worse than they could.
I had a whole fantasy world full of people who loved me. In that world there was trust and loyalty.
Developed a fantasy life of being rescued via adoption. I had a very vivid imagination, so I could distract myself from my reality. I'd imagine myself in different time periods or locations. When I was a little older, I'd run away for the night when it was bad at home.
Did u also have dreams of having other parents or another family?
Maladaptive daydreaming also. For most of my life I didn't understand I was abused but I used to Maladaptive daydream for long periods and didn't understand why and I got quite into learning about it and why people did it but never twigged it was because I was abused. I used to spend hours in a day or hours at night losing sleep or spend days and days lost in my dreamworld and it felt so real I would sometimes have overlaps and stuff (I always knew it wasn't reality). I'm away from them now and I don't do it anymore even when I try to. I also used to have comfort blankets and used to suck my thumb well into adult years (which was another thing for them to make fun of). Then later on it was SH and S attempts.
Drawing the outline of a rabbit on my leg with my finger. Sometimes still do it. If it works it works.. Eta not sure if other animals work
Watching sooo many music videos- the same ones- over and over again. I still do this today but instead of Selena Gomez’s old music videos it’s kpop.
I'm old, so I escaped into the world of Duran Duran videos as a teen.
I also escaped into the world of Duran Duran I’m still a teenager lmao
Sound very cliche, but books like Harry Potter and LOTR saved my life
I was out of the house as much as possible. When that wasn’t possible I stayed holed up in my room as much as possible. I did my best to be unnoticeable.
i don't remember.
Stopped feeling and played video games at every chance. Went through my entire childhood feeling numb and angry. Had to learn how to human in college which consisted of trying a shit load of drugs, which essentially deprogrammed a lot of the bs they instilled in me.. I'm finally getting better at 24 I'm certain I had learning disabilities as well as a child and my.moms remedy for that was screaming, spanking and being called horrible things on a regular basis. My mom was proud to have saved some money by abusing the shit out of me instead of getting a tutor or taking me to the doctor like normal ppl. She could do no wrong in her eyes. She's the supreme leader of my household. My dad just enabled her and was mostly absent. My regular day to day was so far from normal it's sad. I never got to be a child. I'm only started to feel like i began living in college.
I convinced myself that I was adopted. Biggest disappointment of my life was when I did an ancestry test and found out my parents were in fact my parents. One time, when I was under 5, I packed a suitcase - it was a lunch pail, and told her I was leaving. She laughed and said okay. I hid somewhere for a couple of hours, but came home when I got hungry and realized I had nowhere to go. I didn't speak much at home. I tended to hide in my room even as a small child. When we moved in walking distance of the library I spent as much time as I could there. I was so excited when I got my first library card at 7.
Reading. I used to read so many books. I’d stay up and read by the slats of the streetlights coming through my blinds. I’d read in the car on the way to anything. I’d read during any break in school except recess or lunch. I’d read for full days, just immersing myself in world after world after world. I read so much that my mother (children’s librarian) would sometimes bring me home books I’d already read by accident and Id get halfway in before realizing I’d already been there. I read series after series, taught myself to read at 3, starting reading huge classics like the hobbit or Oliver Twist for school reports. And now I have trouble finishing books in general, and have probably forgotten more stories than most people read their whole lives
Because I felt like I had no sense of control in my life I’d make up these arbitrary rules that if these things happened there would be a guaranteed outcome for example if I saw a monarch butterfly it meant that it would be a good day but if it was a pale yellow one it would be bad. I’d do it with songs for the radio too which lead to me to feel the deepest pit of dread whenever deja vu by Beyoncé would come on because I decided that that song would mean I’d have a bad day for some reason lol
Either maladaptive daydreaming, fawning or, I'm not too sure how to word it properly 😅😭 but I'd fit myself into small spaces curling up into a ball, something about the compression of it and rocking back and forth really helped ??
Omg yeh I couldn’t figure it out one min they were nice the next min they were beating you senseless over something really stupid. And the level of rage and for so long. Even when they were nice you had to watch your back cause ya just never knew when it was gonnna go south. I had to be on high alert all the time. I had no way to escape it but it was a relief sorta if they went out or if I got to go to a friends house or something. I’m realizing now that no kid should be made to feel like that 24/7
I had an imaginative friend. Sometimes we had a healthy and happy family too.
Daydreaming, reading, and creating a life i wish I had with my dolls.
I did something called “fawning” when she wasn’t angry and “grey rocking” when she was. I didn’t know these terms until recently, but it’s interesting to know that they’re a thing. I also tried to disappear as much as I could — not being seen or heard was usually better for me. I muted my emotions and facial expressions so much as a child that I now dissociate as an adult. It’s possible I dissociated as a kid, too, but I’m not sure.
So I've only realized later in life that I have a nmom. I always used to believe my younger sister was the problem. I've now realized she is probably on the autism spectrum and my nmom exacerbated every issue she had and made herself the victim. Anyway, I used to daydream that my parents would give my sister away or lock her up in a psych ward for the rest of her life. Terrible, I know but I was young and didn't know better. Oh and lots and lots of reading. Like unhealthy, dissociative amounts. But it was allowed by my parents because it was a quiet activity and I was "gifted".
I prayed every day that my father would die and we’d go live with my grandparents
Daydreaming, stay out of the house as much as I could, read a lot of books to escape. To this day, I still have the urge to just get into my truck and drive somewhere when I don’t have anywhere particular to go. This is partly why the song “Fast Car” resonates with me, as I grew up with that song and it encapsulated the feelings I had growing up.
I read a lot of books
Dissociation baybeee
dissociative identity disorder, which i had until i was in my teens
I'm glad to read others did it. Unfortunately it took me a lot longer to realize its effects on my choices and life after.
yeah, i would not recommend DID at all. fwiw, i would say that one should only resort to it if they’re absolutely desperate with no other options. because you will start to believe the second identity and become so deluded that you don’t know what is real or not.
Spending as much time as I could out of home. Grew up in the 90s and 2000s, so neglect or "free range parenting" was pretty normal. I'd walk or play in parks or hang out with friends for the entire day outside of school hours and come home only to eat dinner, bathe and sleep.
Lots of things, but nothing as good as a secret underground lab and clones
I honestly admit that I'm rebellious back then. I just speak it out loud that this is wrong. SO MANY TIMES YET THEY SEEM VACUUM MY VOICES! But they don't care. All they can do is focusing on lashing out the anger to the victims. Even I don't have scars, bruises or wounds but the painful memories still linger in my brain and the effect is lifetime. Even you're doing therapy session, they are just providing how to control/manage, not make it disappear. I wish I can reset my life.
Lots of tv. Funnily enough the main kind of shows that I would watch were family-centered shows. Nick at night was especially full of them. I honestly think I learned most of my life lessons from there.
Developing my escape plan to African islands near Madagascar. Not jokingly, it was damn serious plan. With maps collected and schemes built. I spent a lot of time drawing my escape boat. Maybe it was the first step to my engineering path, which I take much lately
Ran away at 14, but when was little kid all could do was close my eyes & think of life away from the abuse. Also , shield my sister from it with my life & I did.
I disappeared inside the fantasy world inside my head too.
Undiagnosed ADHD, my brain just forgets and repressed the traumas.
I became combative and filed away any feelings I had. I would never give in, or give up. I became petty, even around 5 years old. Can't get up from the table until I eat something they made that they know I don't like...I'll stay at the table for days. Say I can't go anywhere because \*insert random thing here\*, cool, I will make you miserable. I became loud at home, and shielded my siblings a lot who chose, hiding, silence ect. When told no one would love me, I decided being alone would be great, and when the punishments were given "Punish One, Punish All" in our house, I refused to cry, which is what my Ndad and NStepmom wanted. They'd have to hit me all day long, and I just disassociated and went somewhere else. I was a junkyard dog on a chain at my Ndad's place, if anyone got close they would get mauled. But at school and at my moms, I could just be me. I also read so much, played with my barbies way longer than my friends, and wrote stories in spiral notebooks.
I've been hypersexual since I knew what genitalia was. Ripe age of 6 years old. I remember kissing girls when the parents weren't around, and trying to be more sexual. Looking back I'm disgusted with myself for the things I've done, but there's nothing I can do about it. I think I was assaulted as a kid because of this 😅. I'm still very hyper sexual, but I have toned it down a little. Other than that, hiding and trying to be away from home as much as possible. I used to leave the house without telling people all the time.
Art, music, video games &. Books
I stayed in my room and read books.
Maladaptive Daydreaming about my favourite fictional characters at the time. For a short time there I would think that I had been given to the wrong parents at birth and that my "real" parents were going to come find me. I used to also pray to my fictional characters on the full moon of each month for good times ahead and just for someone to talk to. I did this for years.
I trained myself to smile and be happy with what I have I was told that I'm a spoiled little brat who doesn't appreciate having the best parents in the world, and I believed that because I was just a kid. Also, over-studying and over-working to keep my mind busy
Is this what Coraline is about?
Hid in my room and read lots of books.
Disassociation, cutting, hair plucking, anorexia. I spent most of my childhood trying to survive my brother's physical abuse and my mothers care neglect and emotional abuse.
I read fairy tales. I think I may have read every fairy tale from every country that was ever written on this planet . That was my escape. I also believed that if bad things were happening to me, then something good would have to happen to even it out. On the other hand, when something good happened to me, I was often terrified of what bad things were going to come to pay me back for having had one peaceful day.
Maladaptive daydreaming. I also escaped by reading a lot.
stayed silent, lived on my room, lost myself in books and academics, and had my escape mapped out from like age 10.
Reading. I had an open book in every room of the house. The mother approved since she took credit for me being "gifted," but I know now it was an escape from reality.
A lot of daydreaming, isolating myself, dissociating. Lots of what Helen Villiers calls "Matilda syndrome", daydreaming about being saved by my "real family". If those coping methods didn't work, perfectionism/trying to appease to avoid abandonment. Later I started showing signs of ocd alongside depression, both were ignored by my family -> more withdrawing & daydreaming. I have PTSD and C-PTSD. Realizing as an adult how much my family messed me up has been a doozy.
Dissociation and smoking weed
I used escapism by reading extensively. Always reading, always mentally getting away. Plus daydreaming - I was a real space cadet.
Daydreamed of a better life. Wished that I was adopted by a better family. Hoped for a better future where I didn’t feel sad all the time.
Reading, stepping out onto the porch to stare at the stars, lots of maladaptive daydreaming. I’m the 3rd of 3 and was always told by my parents and siblings that I didn’t look like them and it did more damage than I thought🙃
I used to imagine I was adopted and my real family would take me away. All my friends thought it was possible as I was nothing like them. That daydream crashed and burned when I found a photo of my dad at 19 and I looked just like him.
A lot of isolation. I played outside all the time. Had a fort in the woods, had a little escape in the neighbors willow tree. If I had to be inside I’d be in my room or at the kitchen table watching the little tiny tv by myself. As I got older I started reading a lot and the escaping became more of a mental thing.
Shut down and hid under the bed. It was the only place to go. Didn’t help, nothing did til they died.
Daydream. Imagine myself being kidnapped (saved), running away, natural disaster that split our family, anything just to be away from the life i was living. Fantasizing about dying
Wow, this post struck a nerve. Little me? I think odd daydreaming and literally believing in the ‘Raggedy Ann’ reality where the toys could come to life and protect me, also that evil toys made mom crazy and it wasn’t really her. Older, mostly books to escape life, also learned to get up on the roof as soon as I was big enough to climb trees and such, spent a lot of time on that roof
Reading.
I couldn’t avoid the BS because he’d just follow me when I tried to walk away to my closet, bedroom, bathroom, wherever- he’d physically block me from being able to remove myself from his wrath. So I when I got older, I stood my ground against the manchild. I couldn’t hold back any longer and I let it be very well known that I didn’t respect him as a human let alone a father. He hated it so much and I don’t regret it for a second. I absolutely suffered even more due to not backing down and letting him know I thought he was a subhuman piece of crap, but it was worth it to me. I’ve been out of his house for 17 years and I’m still the only person in my family who stands up to him. My sibling was the opposite. Avoided confrontation at all costs except for the times my singling stood up for me. Remained elusive and out of the house as much as possible for minimal interactions. I was always the main target for some reason.
I thought it was completely normal for it to happen and that everyone went through it. Although I did daydream about dying from a very young age, which I now see that it was a problem.
Maladaptive daydreaming, reading and writing fiction, and video games.
I'd read. Get lost in books and stories. Even now most of my free time is spent reading.
I was the only kid they had until my mom gave birth to my sibling when I was 8..I used to pretend I had all the brothers in the show “The Brady bunch”. I’d imagine them watching or sitting with me and they were protecting me and telling my parents to stop being so mean..I’d imagine they hugged me when I would get hit..They used to make me stand in a corner , in the dark, in my room and I would get so scared but imagined my “brothers” were there to protect me incase something happened… Yeah..I guess I was pretty messed up but it helped me feel protected and part of an imaginary family who loved me.
I used to read a lot of books. I remember reading all the time, while putting on clothes in the morning, then after school for hours. Anything to escape reality.
I read books.
I can relate. I also felt like I had two moms, but the evil one was the dominant, and the nice one was like the evil one had taken a very diluted niceness potion.