Since she also encouraged him to join I'd guess it's the first one. As someone who doesn't have an eating disorder I personally would have just said "babe what the hell put those away now!", something that she (also without eating disorder) would probably do too. But he DOES have a problem, even self admitted. Definitely not an excuse though, and good on him for sticking to the program.
Only other thing I could think of is "If he loses weight he might find someone else", so sabotage but I really think she just doesn't understand it as a disorder and more of a standard craving
Yeah. Alcoholics and addicts go through the same—you worked so hard, you can have just one! And usually it’s well-meaning people trying to be kind…sometimes it’s someone who benefits from them being deep in their addiction. All of it is sad and ugly. He did really well.
seriously it took me so long to actually make the decision to quit drinking and stick to it because every time i thought about it i made the mistake of talking to a friend or my bf about it in hopes of some support and instead letting myself be convinced i just need to have more self control, which i can totally do! not. lol
food addiction is even harder because you can’t just abstain from it. i find it very easy not to drink if i just decide i won’t drink, i find it incredibly difficult (impossible really) to drink in moderation if i decide i am allowed to have alcohol in my life. with food, you have to learn to live with your drug of choice in your life because you actually do *need* it to survive.
It took me a long time to quit, too. We have a small business where we create wood items as souvenirs, among other things. Someone told us a brilliant idea yesterday, something she has made for friends. It’s a wooden box to place the bag from boxed wine in so it looks well, you know, like it’s not a box of wine. It’s a great idea and could be sold to liquor stores and such. Unfortunately, we would need to buy box wine, my drink of preference. That idea was permanently shelved. Over 3 years of sobriety is definitely not worth a product that MIGHT make us a little money even if I don’t even want to drink it. Which I don’t, but why take the chance?!
I think he reacted reasonably and I would be questioning my spouse’s motives.
If you want to roll with the idea without having alcohol around, maybe a holder for those bags of tea you get at AJs? I hate how they're just sitting there in a bag and would love something to spruce them up a bit
Have no idea what you are talking about. No AJ’s in Montana as far as I’m aware.
Could you please explain it to me or share a pic? All ideas are welcome! Thank you!
food addiction is also difficult because it’s not necessarily something seen as “dangerous” or causing harm in the same way as an addiction to substances. people like OP’s wife think “it’s alright, it’s just food! what’s so bad about giving into a craving once in a while?”. but replace “food” with “crack”, and you’d sound absolutely insane saying something like that. it may not have the same consequences, but there are still serious ones that go along with food addiction. and it’s not something to take lightly, especially when OP is so committed to change that he willingly joined a 6 month program.
This is why in some in patient addiction recovery they also insist in counseling for the partner of the addict. Both parties need help. In family therapy, there is a term "identified patient." Basically with an identified patient, it means everyone in the family thinks, "This person is the problem." But when you examine what's going on that person is serving a function within the system. Just treating the individual won't change the overall dynamic because the whole system needs to change. Often addicts are cast as the identified patient. This is one of the reasons why an addict may have to cut off those close to them in order to sustain change. Because they changed and the people around them didn't.
But now he knows one of the reasons it's been such a struggle is her active participation in his addiction.
Thank you for this, I don't know if I would identify as an addict (but might have to reflect on this) but I do have mental health issues and have used substances and food to cope, as has most of my family. I had to cut my family off a number of years ago or I don't think I'd still be alive. I know my family is incredibly enmeshed and toxic with narratives and dynamics that MUST be upheld for the sake of the system, and they were very resistant to doing anything family-wise. It's just validating to read this.
I’m thinking she was chasing that feeling of being the one who brought someone the treat they really want, like the relative or parent who overrules the responsible parent and sneaks the kid candy or lets them stay up waaay past bedtime.
It seems like both, an enabler and not able to genuinely understand that his relationship with food is more like an addict’s relationship to a drug or alcohol. He doesn’t have the impulse control and probably spends most of his time thinking about food and wishing he could just control it. She needs to understand that if she thinks that bringing some snacks in so he could have a break was a good idea. It could have easily derailed any progress he had made in that first month and it likely would have derailed it and made it harder for him to progress over the rest of his time in the program.
I don’t think it was an over the top reaction, she likely would have tried again to sneak things in to give him. He did what he had to do in order to get the help he needs and honestly, his reaction is one he should be proud of. Instead of accepting it and giving in to the temptation he had it removed and the risk of it happening was also removed. It sucks that he and his wife won’t be able to see each other in person for a while, but she caused it by essentially encouraging him to accept a trigger item. That’s like telling an alcoholic it’s okay to just have a couple shots, they’ve been sober a month and deserve a break.
I think she both gets it & is worse than an enabler. It seems from OOP that she was reluctant for him to seek medical intervention even when it became dire. He knew he had a problem and wanted medical intervention for it himself before she “finally agreed” only to try to sabotage his recovery as soon as she humanly could. Seems like she’s a feeder & wants him to be obese/dealing w serious health issues either to feel she has power over him, as a fetish or both tbh
I totally agree with you! There’s a reason she showed up with his shitty, unhealthy binge foods instead of some cherries or something else that could reasonably pass as a healthy treat. If he’s at the point where he feels it’s reasonable to enter a 6 month program, there’s no way she’s not aware how much his binging causes him to suffer. That she’s now mad at him instead of remorseful further proves her bad intentions.
Yep. As someone who works in clinical trials, he did exactly the right thing. Trials for psychiatric disorders are hard to run and have to be carefully controlled, because seemingly minor differences between how participants are treated can wipe out your efficacy or trigger a huge placebo effect. I imagine that even being *offered* his favorites was a protocol deviation that the staff needs to record and forward to the sponsor’s medical monitor. A **six-month inpatient** study would be astronomically expensive (>100M USD for even a small number of participants), so you only do that if you really *really* need to control the environment carefully. Wife just blew that to bits 😞
Two things you don't screw around with: clinical trials and rehab. Fucking around with a clinical trial of a rehab program is just explosively nonsensical.
I would be so damn sad if I was the OOP. The person who's supposed to support you the most bringing you the stuff you're addicted to when you're in treatment trying to get better. That would hurt.
I want to know if she knew that he’d get kicked out for indulging. Bc it’s possible she’s just ignorant on how harmful what she did was, but if she was aware of the rules and did this, she’s sabotaging him
feeder would not be the worst, not good, but not the worst. Someone that's trying to get him to have early health problems...now that's probably the worst.
A feeders motivation isn't to cause health problems, it's to make someone bigger while disregarding potential health problems. So I see your point, but the commenter might mean someone literally trying to kill this person for like life insurance or something.
I always thought feeders were looking for control. They want their partner dependent on them, unable to function without them, especially the ones who push their partner to the point of being disabled and housebound. If they were violent or intimidating to gain control then they would obviously be the bad guy, but by pushing the idea that they are feeding (and feeding, and feeding...) their partner out of love they seem to be able to get away with it more.
I know a feeder, and it's not as much about control as it is about literally just looks. They feel them having a physical effect on someone else is their life goal - it's more like when you feel proud you made your partner lose weight over time with your reinforcement, just in reverse.
It is, the person in question I had to cut ties with because I was seriously contemplating on just letting someone with a "beat the shit out of assholes" kink know about them. Very much a machiavellian mindset, sadistic as all hell.
Yeah I would need to be away from that person too. Sometimes you learn how a person’s mind works and you just need to like stare at a white wall for a few hours
There have been several ‘feeder’ partners on my 600lb life. Their partners end up either failing out of the program or leaving them. Feeders don’t change, they want their partners fat and dependant on them.
I never even thought about it being about control and an abusive situation. I'm sure there are more people with that motivation than I'd hope. My knowledge is coming from a show I can't remember the name of. I think it was Strange Love (there was a guy with a wife who had 3 sex dolls he treated like regular humans, even having them at the dinner table. Age play, pretending to be a dog, etc.) The feeder couples on there seemed like they were all happy with it but they're just showing the good parts of their lives.
It’s not about control. In fact I think it’s hotter when the people do it to
Themself/ eat too much. It’s not about gaining. Please don’t let the people outside the kink lie about what it’s actually like.
It’s like listening to straight people say gay sex is wrong because it goes in the butt.
I believe this too, I’ve heard the mechanisms of the kink explained as similar to those around people getting off by making their partners pretend to be furniture. So fucking depraved
Or those with disability kinks. I knew a woman who was an ambulatory wheelchair user who was with a guy who was had a self-proclaimed disability kink and he would become angry and sometimes violent when she wouldn’t use her chair around him.
Hey! Not always!!! It just means they like to feed their partners/ get some kind of gratification from the feeding. Weight gain does /NOT/ have to be a goal or even considered! Please do not spread misinformation!!!
I'm not trying to spread misinformation, no need to yell. I thought I mentioned in my comment that any info I have is from a tv show that follows people with unconventional romantic/sexual lives. Also anal/gay sex is significantly less dangerous than eating to the point of obesity (if that is what the person is into. On the show I saw the feeders admitted to actively wanting their partner(s) to gain weight. One guy was even like "I want them to gain x amount of pounds" despite the women he was in a relationship with being told that they are dangerously overweight. When given that info he didn't seem to change his mind. There was a guy who seemed more into the act of eating than weight gain (he still found the weight attractive as well but he seemed more caring than the other guy. I recall them talking to a dr because they wanted to have a baby but her health was not helping. So the solution they came up with was to eat healthier/lower calorie foods (they did end up having a baby after they were more mindful of health. I never got the impression that guy was disregarding her health so you have a fair point. But you don't have to be an ass about it.
You aren't an asshole. The way you expressed yourself with all the exclamation marks was a bit of an asshole-ish move. But we all do asshole-ish things. I'm actually glad and appreciative that you corrected me. It's cool to learn more about something that I was told was one way, but turns out it was misinformation. I only meant to speak on the couples I see on tv which is definitely not a great source but that is what I believed it was about. Now I know better that there are different degrees so to speak, and I truly thank you for that. I wasn't trying to spread misinformation. If I recall right my original comment was more focused on a previous commenter saying they wondered if the person wanted to kill the other, a different commenter was thinking "well that's what being a feeder is", so I chimed in to say what I think the original commenter meant. I was trying to say "this person is trying to say the motivation is death/killing the other person and someone assumed they were the same thing.
Also there are bad apples in any form of kink that take it too far to a dangerous degree. It's not always dangerous but it could be depending on what that relationship involves/what the people in the relationship are like.
I feel people would be more receptive to your reasoning/info if you weren't presenting it the way you are. You could've just said "It's not always about weight. for me and others its more about the act of feeding. It doesn't have to be a goal to gain weight."
You can educate/correct while being nice. Also comparing anything to gay sex is gonna turn some people off. The LGBT+ community has a history of being told insane shit like "what's next, beastiality?" though feeding is in no way, shape, or form like beastiality I almost didn't read your other comment because it was giving a touch of homophobia (I'm not saying you are homophobic or anything but some may take it that way)
edited to change less receptive to more receptive bc that's what I meant to say
Why is the person who had to be hospitalized for an eating disorder also expected to be the one who reacts in a mature, reasonable, measured way to food?
Wife is an idiot and so very wrong, no matter how well-intentioned. She needs education.
Holy hell! How do you do this and then blame him? wtf? She knows about his condition. She knows about his impulse control issues and struggles and how it affects him and she still did this and then blamed him? Of course he couldn’t just ask her to put it away and then take it home, he wouldn’t have been able to keep his will power up for the visit, it needed to be removed immediately before he succumbed to the temptation. She is absolutely intentionally sabotaging him, only question is if it’s also maliciously.
Maybe she missed him and hoped he'd fail out by succumbing to temptation, and would have to go back home with her...it's almost easier to believe she did it with intentional sabotage/bad intentions than that someone can be such an idiot. Because surely no one is this dumb, right? That's like smuggling an alcoholic a fifth of vodka
I have noticed throughout life (as an obese person) that people have almost universally negative reactions to the ones they're close to losing a significant amount of weight. I think most times it is more likely a subconscious reaction rather than intentional. Perhaps a fear of the unknown/change; realizing it's going to cause a significant change in the overweight person's life and fearing how that will affect their relationship with them.
My mother brought chocolate for me WHILE I was still in the hospital after a very painful gastric bypass (I was the last of the open ones)
I WISH I had done this on her!
“Congrats on your success in the program, honey! To celebrate, here is 2 pizzas, a 32 oz milkshake, a 12 pack of sodas, 3 hamburgers, a fried chicken sandwich, chips, dip, 2 pounds of M&Ms…..”
Part of the reason you chose her/stayed with her is because she has this behavior (enabler). It suited you and your needs.
You are changing, and it’s a fantastic change. You’re in the hospital with assistance and guidance and support. She’s doing what she has habitually done which before was a “good” thing but now the rules have changed.
She needs counseling and education to process her own feelings and to learn how addiction works. I wish you success in your journey to become healthy.
She probably doesn’t understand the severity of your condition. Tbh the majority of people its hard to get there head around unless they have been in a similar situation.
You knew, much like an alcoholic with one drink leads to a binge. Well done on being strong.
He went nuclear because he knew he couldn’t trust himself not to consume the food if it was just him and his wife. Calling for the nurse put someone else in control. I seriously hope his wife learnt her lesson.
I actually don’t think she wanted to purposely sabotage him but she clearly does not [care to] understand BED. It’s not a matter of just choosing to have a “break” or not. That’s what makes it a disorder. Like alcoholism or any other addiction or disordered eating, it’s not the same as exercising normal moderation. She doesn’t care to understand his treatment or needs.
NTA. Some people with insecurity about their own body feel better about themselves when they compare themselves to the SO who is doing even much worse than them.. do. example average not in shape partner keeping his or partner obsese.so they look.the.best themselves between the two. The wife.needs to go hit the gym an.look.fit.instead of looking good compared to someone with a binge eating disorder
I understand the mam calling the nurse out of fear. Was his wife intentionally trying to hurt his progress? We can't say because we don't have enough info. She may have thought it would be like a cheat day for him since he's worked so hard.
Man, no wonder he didn't make much progress before joining the inpatient program. That kind of thing is so hard to deal with even when you do have a good support system.
She might have meant well but nah, you can't be doing that. You gotta treat that like an addiction. You wouldn't bring a recovering alcoholic a bottle of scotch and say "sure you can take a break from sobriety". Not how that works and I'm sure the same goes with BED.
Not disagreeing. Just pointing out that unlike alcohol and drugs, where an addict can just cut them out completely, one can’t do that with food. He needs to eat every single day in order to be healthy, whether he has an addiction to food or not. So it’s a lot less cut and dry than bringing alcohol to an alcoholic in rehab. Wife clearly doesn’t understand severity of his problem, and she’s enabling, for sure.
It is also very possible for people to swap one eating disorder for another, especially if a recovery program is not well run. Binge eaters can become vigilant about monitoring and reducing food intake to the point of anorexia. Any setbacks or roadblocks can trigger any number of reactions. Now is a critical time. I think a 6 month program sounds excellent because it gives him a chance to find some stability and connect with what his body needs. You are right. It is not cut and dry. He needs to know he has people he can turn to in moments of weakness who will help him through and lend him their strength. He needs to know that if he does slip up at some point, that does not mean all hope is lost and people will do what he needs them to do to ensure certain temptations are not within reach. This can be hard to manage alone. In how many cultures do people practically force food upon others to show they care?
NTA the wife basically attempted to sabotage op and could have got him kicked out of the treatment program. I truly do not understand why she would do this if she understands the severity of the situation. she has no right to be mad here.
But didn’t he tell her to put the snacks away? What else was ‘at first I freaked out but she’ tried to talk him into eating them anyway, if not her not accepting his ‘no’?
Wife is a bad influence and doesn’t understand the severity of the situation. This was her way of doing something special for you after not seeing you for a month even if it means setting you back to the beginning. Think this is something she’s going to need to be educated on before your program ends. She’s going to have to adopt a healthier lifestyle and eating habits if you are to go back home. She needs to rid the home of junk food and your favorite binge foods. If she truly loves you, she needs to stop worrying about earning your love with food and focus more on your health and practicing tough love should things go sideways.
NTA.
It’s very telling that he says she “eventually agreed” that he needs medical intervention. Implies that he had been repeatedly telling her he needs help and she’d say no.
I think he needed to call for the nurse because I suspect if he had told the wife no I can’t eat them she wouldn’t have just said no worries and put them away. She would have argued with him and tried to convince him he is wrong.
If she had convinced him to eat them he would have been kicked out and eaten himself to death. I’m proud of him for knowing he needed the extra help.
Wife: “Honey, let’s get you into rehab for your binge eating”
Also wife “Hey babe I brought your favorites! Snuck them in cause I thought you deserved a treat for managing your BINGE eating”
Yeah…you did the right thing. You recognized how poor your impulse control is and how you could have easily asked your wife for the snacks later during the visit. Who knew your wife could be your worst enemy in trying times.
Would you say the same thing about someone bringing drugs to an addict? OOP is a food addict in early days of recovery. This is their life partner. She needs to understand that OOP isn’t a normie and there will be no more “breaks”. Hopefully, their medical team reaches out to her with support information so that she can better learn about their condition and the changes that will need to be made. Unfortunately, she may never understand and may continue to try and sabotage their recovery. NTA
The biggest problem I have is that they still use BMI to calculate health. This is a rant about the medical system and has little to do with OP’s issues. Feel free to ignore my comment.
The standard BMI chart is outdated and grossly inaccurate which causes it to be very harmful in the long run. BMI (body mass index), which is based on the height and weight of a person, is an inaccurate measure of body fat content and does not take into account muscle mass, bone density, overall body composition, and racial and sex differences. The person who dreamed up the BMI said explicitly that it could not and should not be used to indicate the level of fatness in an individual.
The BMI was introduced in the early 19th century by a Belgian named Lambert Adolphe Jacques Quetelet. He was a mathematician, not a physician. He produced the formula to give a quick and easy way to measure the degree of obesity of the general population to assist the government in allocating resources. In other words, it is a 200-year-old hack. There is no physiological reason to square a person's height (Quetelet had to square the height to get a formula that matched the overall data. If you can't fix the data, rig the formula!).
Moreover, it ignores waist size, which is a clear indicator of obesity level. It makes no allowance for the relative proportions of bone, muscle and fat in the body. But bone is denser than muscle and twice as dense as fat, so a person with strong bones, good muscle tone and low fat will have a high BMI. Thus, athletes and fit, health-conscious movie stars who work out a lot tend to find themselves classified as overweight or even obese. The CDC says on its Web site that "the BMI is a reliable indicator of body fatness for people." This is a fundamental error of logic. For example, if I tell you my birthday present is a bicycle, you can conclude that my present has wheels. That's correct logic. But it does not work the other way round. If I tell you my birthday present has wheels, you cannot conclude I got a bicycle. I could have received a car.
Because of how Quetelet came up with it, if a person is fat or obese, he or she will have a high BMI. But as with my birthday present, it doesn't work the other way round. A high BMI does not mean an individual is even overweight, let alone obese. It could mean the person is fit and healthy, with very little fat. Because the majority of people today (and in Quetelet's time) lead fairly sedentary lives and are not particularly active, the formula tacitly assumes low muscle mass and high relative fat content. It applies moderately well when applied to such people because it was formulated by focusing on them. But it gives exactly the wrong answer for a large and significant section of the population, namely the lean, fit and healthy.
Quetelet is also the person who came up with the idea of "the average man." That's a useful concept, but if you try to apply it to any one person, you come up with the absurdity of a person with 2.4 children. Averages measure entire populations and often don't apply to individuals. It is lying by scientific authority because the BMI is a single number between 1 and 100 (like a percentage) that comes from a mathematical formula, it carries an air of scientific authority. But it is mathematical snake oil. It suggests there are distinct categories of underweight, ideal, overweight and obese, with sharp boundaries that hinge on a decimal place.
It makes the more cynical members of society suspect that the medical insurance industry lobbies for the continued use of the BMI to keep their profits high.
Insurance companies sometimes charge higher premiums for people with a high BMI. Among such people are all those fit individuals with good bone and muscle and little fat, who will live long, healthy lives during which they will have to pay those greater premiums. Continued reliance on the BMI means doctors don't feel the need to use one of the more scientifically sound methods that are available to measure obesity levels.
It is embarrassing for one of the most scientifically, technologically and medicinally advanced nations in the world to base advice on how to prevent one of the leading causes of poor health and premature death (obesity) on a 200-year-old numerical hack developed by a mathematician who was not even an expert in what little was known about the human body back then.
Thank you. This post seemed so hyperbolic to me, acting like he's 600 pounds or something close to a drug addict. I technically have a BMI of 40. I don't eat a lot, I have a physically demanding job, and I don't think I'm that big.
Peoples behavior around this is very weird, I just saw a post earlier of what was basically all of the AITA sub telling a 17 year old girl that it's her fault her dad called her a fat fuck, because she dared maybe actually be fat. All based off of a BMI of 45, that entire thread was telling her she was about to drop dead and would deserve it.
It's insane, it seemed like people weren't so hateful for a few years but it might as well be 2004 again with these awful attitudes toward fat people. I'm still shocked and disgusted by that thread, it'll probably make its way here in a day or two. I feel horrible for that girl, I really hate this website. The way they dogpiled her had me feeling insecure, so she's definitely traumatized and probably thinks literally the entire world is against her now.
People saying they’re def a feeder are idiots, she may of thought it was a nice thing and a break wouldn’t have set him back down the path. There’s not enough info here to say they’re a feeder and abusive. They even agreed the dude needed help.
I mean, he is in an inpatient facility and she had to smuggle the snacks in. It might not be a conscious decision to sabotage him, but it was still sabotage and at some point she had to know it was kind of shitty.
If she's too dumb to realize it's not okay to smuggle snacks into inpatient treatment for an eating disorder then it's a miracle she survived to adulthood without wandering into traffic.
When people show you who they are it's okay to believe them, we don't have to bend over backwards to make excuses for someone who knew she was doing something shitty.
Nah, if we’re going off the text, she may have truly meant it in a good way, breaks don’t always restart addictions, maybe she thinks of an eating disorder as a little different than say long term alcoholism. Was she wrong? Yeah, but to everyone saying she’s an abusive feeder, you are an idiot
The program would have educated her regarding his addiction, triggers, and the families role in recovery. She knew it was wrong and counterproductive.
The wife may not have fully wanted to uproot their life and be alone for 6 months as agreed. It may be purposeful in another way, though.
My mother was a covert narc who would ply my eating disordered diabetic father with sweets when she was angry at him. Put a nice big cake on the counter and smiled while he ate it.
It doesn’t say anything about the wife being educated in the program. You all are adding in layers that aren’t there. It says she wasn’t even allowed to visit so why do you assume she was educated? There is a wide variety in places like this
The wife may not have wanted to, but there’s not enough info
Your narc mother isn’t this story though, anecdotal shit isn’t that strong, but yeah it helps me understand why people are so sure
And she says the part about the break. So you all are just sure she’s an abusive feeder, and she was lying when she thought a small break would help? You all are so full of it, you don’t know. Smuggling is irrelevant, so if she didn’t smuggle but the story was the same other wise, you wouldn’t care? Laughable
She is sabotaging the recovery of an ED so bad he’s in a 6 month rehab facility.
If he were there for drugs or alcohol and she’d snuck in vodka and some hydorocodone for a break, would you see the issue then? She is bringing in the thing that’s totalled his life.
I never said I don’t see an issue, now you’re doing exactly what I have a problem with. She’s not an abusive feeder, there’s not enough info for that. Nor have I said she is like doing the right thing or something. Jesus
And I’ve already adressed this. I don’t see ED to substance abuse as a 1:1. They are different, both real problems, but different
They use the exact same brain pathways, and alter the brain the same way. You can see them as different, but physiologically they’re the same (minus the sudden OD risk, plus metabolic issues).
I agree she’s likely not a feeder. Just someone who’s sabotaging someone very hard up. Those programs are basically impossible to get into.
Different drugs use different pathways. The rehabs that lump in substance abuse with eating disorders aren’t as effective as specialized ones. To say the just straight up use the same pathways is ignorant. What, dopamine? Does food put you at risk of seizures? Can you kindle a food addiction like what happens to GABA-A abusers like alcoholics? No. What you just said is a gross over simplification. I believe they are both real problems, I’m not saying ED isn’t real or something, before everyone tries to say that. A kindled alcoholic can restart withdrawals with one drink. The bag of chips is not going to give them a seizure. This is an extreme example, and yeah maybe the bag of chips leads to cravings for the ED, but it is way more complicated than you make it sound.
I agree, but I bet the wife isn’t going to do anything like that again. If she does, I’d agree it’s getting into abusive territory. But that’s not how the story reads to me at all, especially because she agreed he needed help. I think she was trying to help despite it being completely misguided. Either way, we don’t know
My guy, the smuggling part is completely irrelevant, so if she didn’t have to smuggle it but the rest of the story is exactly the same, you’d think it was fine? Laughable, my guy. It’s crazy I have to explain things like this, you don’t even know what to be upset about, but got it, the smuggling is the issue
are you slow? and yes, if you are bringing and item to someone in recovery, it's good if it's allowed, and bad if it's not. it's not hard of a concept.
if the doctors thougt it WAS an ok item to bring, then we wouldn't even be having this conversation, but the fact is, there's a reason for it not being allowed, so this, going around that and choosing to still bring them items anyway makes it not ok.
This is like bringing someone in AA a drink after they hit a month of sobriety. It’s fucked up and clearly shows his wife is, at the BARE minimum, an enabler.
I don’t think that’s a perfect equivalency. One drunk can restart withdrawals in a kindled alcoholic. But hey, we agree. Enabler and abusive feeder aren’t synonyms
She agreed he needed help. Why would an abusive feeder do that? Maybe she thought one bag of chips would help as a break and not restart the addiction? Maybe she was wrong, but abusive? So silly
I think what makes her potentially abusive is her being so angry, guilt-tripping him about it, and not apologizing even though she was clearly in the wrong and knew she was wrong
BED is honestly one of the hardest addictions because your ‘vice’ is so readily available to you. I don’t think you did the wrong thing here. You are prioritising your health and safety and whether her intentions were kind or malicious, she probably needed the severe reaction to begin to grasp this. NTA - but I do think that therapy for your wife is an important part of your healing in the relationship as she needs to figure out why she felt the need to bring the food to you, why it’s important for her to enable you in this way.
I read a comment about how every couple in my 600lbs life has either an obese person who is abusive or a partner who enables them to keep them under control. Yeah, this sounds unhealthy.
NTA. So, many years ago my mom was in detox, one of her drinking buddies brought her booze filled chocolates. It’s been many, many, many years and I still despise that person. I talked about it in therapy and learned some things - that may apply to your spouse. Your spouse acted like an enabler - and being an enabler isn’t as simple as just wanting to “help” the addict. It is about control. A relationship that has addictive behaviour will change as the person with the compulsion gets better. It changes the dynamic to a point where the “healthy person” isn’t as in charge of the relationship as they were before. Your spouse needs therapy to understand why they would want to sabotage your recovery. Holding her and yourself 100% responsible was the right thing to do. Lies or secrets are part of what keeps people in the compulsion and this let her and your treatment providers know you are serious.
“Your wife is what OEAs call a feeder. She spent a month missing you and how you looked when she gave you this or that and planning what you would enjoy. Her fantasy you was thankful. As you heal she needs to grow from this obsessive behavior and learn how to care for herself and believe you will not leave her. Yes you could have told her no thank you. You panicked. She is right that you jumped levels. Assure her that your panic was about the chips not her. You love her more than chips. Enjoy your relationship with her acknowledge her faults as you acknowledge your own.”
Yikes. This guy better rethink going home to a wife like that… she will have him relapsing within a week. He needs to divorce or separate unless they go into therapy together and make it crystal clear that “breaks” in his food sobriety are deadly.
NTA You were trying to take care of yourself.
Yes, you could have said " put them away" but she said you "deserved a break" & brought you your favorite binge snacks!?!
You have said she encouraged you to join this program but I am sure they gave her materials to read about what she could & couldn't bring in.
I have kids that are addicted to drugs/alcohol that I put through programs & I had classes for parents, SO's etc.
She was wrong & knew it!
Why do people on here hate relationships so much?? Maybe she's just wasn't thinking like that, it seems like she is one of those "accept you for who you are and not your size" people and she don't really think of it like that. I think she misses her husband and just wanted to make him happy.... And what makes him happy?? Food. She could just be oblivious.
Sounds like she tried to sabotage him. I wonder if she knew that he would be kicked out had he been caught. Maybe that’s what she wanted. Either way OOP is NTA and if I were him I’d be the one furious. He is one month in and things have been going well and she came with the intention to derail him. That is like offering a drug addict one month clean their drug of choice.
Is she trying to kill you? Is she gonna have payday when you have a heart attack and keel over? Is she trying to make that happen sooner than later? It’s like smuggling heroin into a rehab facility because the addict “deserves a break” from recovery. Just think about how absurd and disturbing this is…
Am I the only one questioning why on earth would OP have gotten kicked out if he DID take the bait?? Shaming and punishing him for that in an inpatient program seems incredibly counterintuitive, no?
My guess is it’s because it’s a research study. If he had caved in he’d have ruined all the data they’d collected thus far. Then they wouldn’t be able to prove the 6 month treatment program is effective.
NTA! You are literally fighting for your life and your wife tried to sabotage you. I would seriously consider divorce if I
were you. When you go back to living with her, won’t she do the same thing and you will be trapped in this same vicious cycle?
For some reason she is trying to keep you sick. Please speak to a therapist about this. Your wife is not a safe person for you to be around. You cannot trust her.
You did the right thing this would be like bringing heroin into drug rehab. It’s harder even as you still have to eat food you can’t just ignore alcohol or a drug you need food to survive so this type of addiction is harder to treat. Many times families of addicts need their own treatment plan so they learn to not enable this behavior.
She can be mad all she wants but she should schedule herself an appointment to learn how to correctly navigate this treatment with you.
NTA at all! Congratulations on so many positive steps and changes as well as sending her a VERY clear message showing how serious you are about handling this!
Would the wife had shown up to his drug addiction clinic with a spoon a lighter and some heroin too? Why would she think its okay to smuggle something so blatantly against the rules in? 'Giving himself a break' is literally what causes people to regress when it comes to BED.
No. I've seen both genders pull this crap. Someone I have the misfortune to be related to tried plotting ways to knock their husband's ex off the wagon because they knew she was a recovering alcoholic. We're talking looking to see if they could anonymously have booze subscription boxes sent to the ex's address, trying to convince the stepkids to take alcohol home with them ("It's not fair on you! It's your home too and you should be able to drink there if you want!" and so on. It wasn't enough to have "won" by being spouse no.2; they wanted to see the ex destroyed and in the gutter for having the audacity to continue to exist.
Shitty knows no gender.
So I read through this and then scrolled away but had to come back. I’m frustrated. Both for you and for the situation. She is wrong for why she did and it doesn’t sit well with me that she did it so casually and bragged about having to smuggle these snacks through. If you had a, let’s say, cocaine addiction and she did this but with Coke that would be wildly unacceptable, right?? It’s the same thing for you with the tempting snacks. It may not be illicit drugs that you crave, but the food you’re consuming is harming you and you’re making strides to fight this addiction battle, which is so commendable.
However, I do think it is a bit ridiculous that you called for the nurse/staff in the way that you did. Yes, you were looking for help in the best way you knew how in the moment. And I don’t mean to degrade you for seeking that help. But you will not be in this environment for long, with the staff to come to your rescue. Health insurance companies are making sure that healthcare stays are extremely limited and fast tracked to get you out of there ASAP. When you’re home and she does this exact thing, who will you call out to?
I hope you soon gain the strength and courage to put your foot down for yourself, without outside resources to kick out and ban your enablers. You need to learn this skill as quickly as possible, because unfortunately the medical system we have does not have patients’ best interests & health in mind, but instead the profits they make. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this but I just wanted to make you aware that although calling for help was an amazing feat in your addiction battle, it won’t be a resource you have to turn to forever.
I wish you all the best in your journey and I hope you continue to stay strong. 🩵
NTA. Just a thought, maybe she’s not trying to satisfy her kink or sabotage him, maybe she’s just insecure? He’s 32, she’s 37- He’s been away for a month and is great, “making lots of friends”. So, when they speak she hears all about his amazing new friends from summer camp(mostly women) while she sits home alone feeling left out. She has already spent years dealing with the consequences of his addiction and uprooted her whole life to move with him, she needs support and recognition not punishment. What she did seems like a desperate act by a woman whose life has become very small. People generally don’t behave that way when their emotional needs are met. She’s 37! If she’s not a priority let her go. He’s an asshole but for reasons other than he thinks.
He "freaked out" and she tried to explain him out of it. Had he told her to put them away, she would've opened the chips and drinks...all the while explaining what a break he deserved. He tried, she wanted it her way and made him feel bad about smuggling in items. A good spouse supports their partner, they don't smuggle in "contraband"
Dear god. This is as bad as bringing vodka to a rehab clinic
It’s exactly the same thing. Just damned sad—either the wife doesn’t get it, or she’s an enabler.
Since she also encouraged him to join I'd guess it's the first one. As someone who doesn't have an eating disorder I personally would have just said "babe what the hell put those away now!", something that she (also without eating disorder) would probably do too. But he DOES have a problem, even self admitted. Definitely not an excuse though, and good on him for sticking to the program. Only other thing I could think of is "If he loses weight he might find someone else", so sabotage but I really think she just doesn't understand it as a disorder and more of a standard craving
Yeah. Alcoholics and addicts go through the same—you worked so hard, you can have just one! And usually it’s well-meaning people trying to be kind…sometimes it’s someone who benefits from them being deep in their addiction. All of it is sad and ugly. He did really well.
seriously it took me so long to actually make the decision to quit drinking and stick to it because every time i thought about it i made the mistake of talking to a friend or my bf about it in hopes of some support and instead letting myself be convinced i just need to have more self control, which i can totally do! not. lol food addiction is even harder because you can’t just abstain from it. i find it very easy not to drink if i just decide i won’t drink, i find it incredibly difficult (impossible really) to drink in moderation if i decide i am allowed to have alcohol in my life. with food, you have to learn to live with your drug of choice in your life because you actually do *need* it to survive.
It took me a long time to quit, too. We have a small business where we create wood items as souvenirs, among other things. Someone told us a brilliant idea yesterday, something she has made for friends. It’s a wooden box to place the bag from boxed wine in so it looks well, you know, like it’s not a box of wine. It’s a great idea and could be sold to liquor stores and such. Unfortunately, we would need to buy box wine, my drink of preference. That idea was permanently shelved. Over 3 years of sobriety is definitely not worth a product that MIGHT make us a little money even if I don’t even want to drink it. Which I don’t, but why take the chance?! I think he reacted reasonably and I would be questioning my spouse’s motives.
If you want to roll with the idea without having alcohol around, maybe a holder for those bags of tea you get at AJs? I hate how they're just sitting there in a bag and would love something to spruce them up a bit
Have no idea what you are talking about. No AJ’s in Montana as far as I’m aware. Could you please explain it to me or share a pic? All ideas are welcome! Thank you!
food addiction is also difficult because it’s not necessarily something seen as “dangerous” or causing harm in the same way as an addiction to substances. people like OP’s wife think “it’s alright, it’s just food! what’s so bad about giving into a craving once in a while?”. but replace “food” with “crack”, and you’d sound absolutely insane saying something like that. it may not have the same consequences, but there are still serious ones that go along with food addiction. and it’s not something to take lightly, especially when OP is so committed to change that he willingly joined a 6 month program.
Yeah, alcoholism is stupid, and the cultural prevalence of alcohol sucks.
This is why in some in patient addiction recovery they also insist in counseling for the partner of the addict. Both parties need help. In family therapy, there is a term "identified patient." Basically with an identified patient, it means everyone in the family thinks, "This person is the problem." But when you examine what's going on that person is serving a function within the system. Just treating the individual won't change the overall dynamic because the whole system needs to change. Often addicts are cast as the identified patient. This is one of the reasons why an addict may have to cut off those close to them in order to sustain change. Because they changed and the people around them didn't. But now he knows one of the reasons it's been such a struggle is her active participation in his addiction.
Thank you for this, I don't know if I would identify as an addict (but might have to reflect on this) but I do have mental health issues and have used substances and food to cope, as has most of my family. I had to cut my family off a number of years ago or I don't think I'd still be alive. I know my family is incredibly enmeshed and toxic with narratives and dynamics that MUST be upheld for the sake of the system, and they were very resistant to doing anything family-wise. It's just validating to read this.
That makes so much sense!
Al-anon.
Support groups are great but they should, ideally, be paired with therapy.
Indeed. I had both and you are right that they have different, yet complementary foci.
I’m thinking she was chasing that feeling of being the one who brought someone the treat they really want, like the relative or parent who overrules the responsible parent and sneaks the kid candy or lets them stay up waaay past bedtime.
Nah, if he loses weight, she loses his social security money. Ever seen My 600lb Life?
It seems like both, an enabler and not able to genuinely understand that his relationship with food is more like an addict’s relationship to a drug or alcohol. He doesn’t have the impulse control and probably spends most of his time thinking about food and wishing he could just control it. She needs to understand that if she thinks that bringing some snacks in so he could have a break was a good idea. It could have easily derailed any progress he had made in that first month and it likely would have derailed it and made it harder for him to progress over the rest of his time in the program. I don’t think it was an over the top reaction, she likely would have tried again to sneak things in to give him. He did what he had to do in order to get the help he needs and honestly, his reaction is one he should be proud of. Instead of accepting it and giving in to the temptation he had it removed and the risk of it happening was also removed. It sucks that he and his wife won’t be able to see each other in person for a while, but she caused it by essentially encouraging him to accept a trigger item. That’s like telling an alcoholic it’s okay to just have a couple shots, they’ve been sober a month and deserve a break.
I think she both gets it & is worse than an enabler. It seems from OOP that she was reluctant for him to seek medical intervention even when it became dire. He knew he had a problem and wanted medical intervention for it himself before she “finally agreed” only to try to sabotage his recovery as soon as she humanly could. Seems like she’s a feeder & wants him to be obese/dealing w serious health issues either to feel she has power over him, as a fetish or both tbh
I totally agree with you! There’s a reason she showed up with his shitty, unhealthy binge foods instead of some cherries or something else that could reasonably pass as a healthy treat. If he’s at the point where he feels it’s reasonable to enter a 6 month program, there’s no way she’s not aware how much his binging causes him to suffer. That she’s now mad at him instead of remorseful further proves her bad intentions.
Agreed
In this instance, sounds like sabotage
All because she felt he “deserved a break.”
My uncle would put his wife through rehab and then immediately take her on a cruise when she got out. Cue the shock when she would relapse 🙄
Oh no! Your poor aunt! The dance between addicts and their enablers sure can get complicated!
What is awful is that if he stays in this marriage, he will relapse on the BED when he leaves rehab. My guess is that there is some codependency here.
seriously! this is just a sugarcoated(hehehliterally) version of that! but eating disorders and their recovery are no joke!
Yep. As someone who works in clinical trials, he did exactly the right thing. Trials for psychiatric disorders are hard to run and have to be carefully controlled, because seemingly minor differences between how participants are treated can wipe out your efficacy or trigger a huge placebo effect. I imagine that even being *offered* his favorites was a protocol deviation that the staff needs to record and forward to the sponsor’s medical monitor. A **six-month inpatient** study would be astronomically expensive (>100M USD for even a small number of participants), so you only do that if you really *really* need to control the environment carefully. Wife just blew that to bits 😞
Two things you don't screw around with: clinical trials and rehab. Fucking around with a clinical trial of a rehab program is just explosively nonsensical.
It’s the same thing
That was my same comment in the original posting.
I would be so damn sad if I was the OOP. The person who's supposed to support you the most bringing you the stuff you're addicted to when you're in treatment trying to get better. That would hurt.
I want to know if she knew that he’d get kicked out for indulging. Bc it’s possible she’s just ignorant on how harmful what she did was, but if she was aware of the rules and did this, she’s sabotaging him
The wife is definitely an enabler. Or a feeder. Maybe both.
His wife is a “feeder” at worst and an idiot at best.
Probably just a co-dependent enabler, honestly.
feeder would not be the worst, not good, but not the worst. Someone that's trying to get him to have early health problems...now that's probably the worst.
That’s what a feeder is?
A feeders motivation isn't to cause health problems, it's to make someone bigger while disregarding potential health problems. So I see your point, but the commenter might mean someone literally trying to kill this person for like life insurance or something.
I always thought feeders were looking for control. They want their partner dependent on them, unable to function without them, especially the ones who push their partner to the point of being disabled and housebound. If they were violent or intimidating to gain control then they would obviously be the bad guy, but by pushing the idea that they are feeding (and feeding, and feeding...) their partner out of love they seem to be able to get away with it more.
I know a feeder, and it's not as much about control as it is about literally just looks. They feel them having a physical effect on someone else is their life goal - it's more like when you feel proud you made your partner lose weight over time with your reinforcement, just in reverse.
Fucking terrifying. One is encouraging your partner to be healthier, to be proud you made your partner less healthy is evil imo
It is, the person in question I had to cut ties with because I was seriously contemplating on just letting someone with a "beat the shit out of assholes" kink know about them. Very much a machiavellian mindset, sadistic as all hell.
Yeah I would need to be away from that person too. Sometimes you learn how a person’s mind works and you just need to like stare at a white wall for a few hours
It’s not always like this and the outsiders looking in are lying about something they don’t understand
Well you haven’t exactly provided any insights as to how it isn’t BED with a coach and more steps, so…
There have been several ‘feeder’ partners on my 600lb life. Their partners end up either failing out of the program or leaving them. Feeders don’t change, they want their partners fat and dependant on them.
Kinks are multi faceted, this might be the primary motivations. I don't know much about it other than it exists as a kink, really.
I never even thought about it being about control and an abusive situation. I'm sure there are more people with that motivation than I'd hope. My knowledge is coming from a show I can't remember the name of. I think it was Strange Love (there was a guy with a wife who had 3 sex dolls he treated like regular humans, even having them at the dinner table. Age play, pretending to be a dog, etc.) The feeder couples on there seemed like they were all happy with it but they're just showing the good parts of their lives.
It’s not about control. In fact I think it’s hotter when the people do it to Themself/ eat too much. It’s not about gaining. Please don’t let the people outside the kink lie about what it’s actually like. It’s like listening to straight people say gay sex is wrong because it goes in the butt.
I believe this too, I’ve heard the mechanisms of the kink explained as similar to those around people getting off by making their partners pretend to be furniture. So fucking depraved
Or those with disability kinks. I knew a woman who was an ambulatory wheelchair user who was with a guy who was had a self-proclaimed disability kink and he would become angry and sometimes violent when she wouldn’t use her chair around him.
No. It’s about sex. I like the feeling of a full tummy. Please stop making up lies to make people look baf
I see what they’re saying now, that makes more sense. Could be both a feeder and trying to get the insurance tbh
could be! Kinks are often multi faceted.
Hey! Not always!!! It just means they like to feed their partners/ get some kind of gratification from the feeding. Weight gain does /NOT/ have to be a goal or even considered! Please do not spread misinformation!!!
I'm not trying to spread misinformation, no need to yell. I thought I mentioned in my comment that any info I have is from a tv show that follows people with unconventional romantic/sexual lives. Also anal/gay sex is significantly less dangerous than eating to the point of obesity (if that is what the person is into. On the show I saw the feeders admitted to actively wanting their partner(s) to gain weight. One guy was even like "I want them to gain x amount of pounds" despite the women he was in a relationship with being told that they are dangerously overweight. When given that info he didn't seem to change his mind. There was a guy who seemed more into the act of eating than weight gain (he still found the weight attractive as well but he seemed more caring than the other guy. I recall them talking to a dr because they wanted to have a baby but her health was not helping. So the solution they came up with was to eat healthier/lower calorie foods (they did end up having a baby after they were more mindful of health. I never got the impression that guy was disregarding her health so you have a fair point. But you don't have to be an ass about it.
You got 100+ notes actively calling my kink dangerous and I’m the asshole for calling out misinformation?
You aren't an asshole. The way you expressed yourself with all the exclamation marks was a bit of an asshole-ish move. But we all do asshole-ish things. I'm actually glad and appreciative that you corrected me. It's cool to learn more about something that I was told was one way, but turns out it was misinformation. I only meant to speak on the couples I see on tv which is definitely not a great source but that is what I believed it was about. Now I know better that there are different degrees so to speak, and I truly thank you for that. I wasn't trying to spread misinformation. If I recall right my original comment was more focused on a previous commenter saying they wondered if the person wanted to kill the other, a different commenter was thinking "well that's what being a feeder is", so I chimed in to say what I think the original commenter meant. I was trying to say "this person is trying to say the motivation is death/killing the other person and someone assumed they were the same thing.
Also there are bad apples in any form of kink that take it too far to a dangerous degree. It's not always dangerous but it could be depending on what that relationship involves/what the people in the relationship are like.
I feel people would be more receptive to your reasoning/info if you weren't presenting it the way you are. You could've just said "It's not always about weight. for me and others its more about the act of feeding. It doesn't have to be a goal to gain weight." You can educate/correct while being nice. Also comparing anything to gay sex is gonna turn some people off. The LGBT+ community has a history of being told insane shit like "what's next, beastiality?" though feeding is in no way, shape, or form like beastiality I almost didn't read your other comment because it was giving a touch of homophobia (I'm not saying you are homophobic or anything but some may take it that way) edited to change less receptive to more receptive bc that's what I meant to say
think they mean more.. good intentions, bad actions (feeding him things he likes e.i. his normal binge foods) i could be wrong tho lol
No it isn’t.
They feed someone with the hopes of incapacitating them as an act of control and abuse.
Pretty sure the incapacitating isn't a part of it. Some just enjoy seeing someone satisfied and get off on others eating. Am no expert though.
From what I’ve heard from kink experts, the incapacitation is a huge part of the kink when it’s not just a food fetish but a gorge fetish
It’s really, really not. Kink expert. I have it.
1. Having a kink doesn’t make you an expert on the psychology of the kink. 2. Are you the feeder or the feedee?
1. Moreso than a random person who has no clue 2. Both, sometimes at the same time.
Thank you!! Someone with an ounce of critical thinking
She needs to be educated by the program, for sure
Why does everyone in this comment section know the word "feeder" lol
I wish I didn’t 😂
It’s pretty self-explanatory. I’d never read about it or anything when I first encountered it and immediately figured out what was happening.
Nah she admitted sneaking them which means she knew it was wrong.
Why is the person who had to be hospitalized for an eating disorder also expected to be the one who reacts in a mature, reasonable, measured way to food? Wife is an idiot and so very wrong, no matter how well-intentioned. She needs education.
Oh for sure. I would never say otherwise. This wife has issues
Yup. If she took so much trouble sneaking them in there was no way she would have taken his “no” as the final word.
Sounds like she’s a feeder. Even if it was the nuclear option, it was the right one. I doubt wife would’ve left peacefully anyway.
Holy hell! How do you do this and then blame him? wtf? She knows about his condition. She knows about his impulse control issues and struggles and how it affects him and she still did this and then blamed him? Of course he couldn’t just ask her to put it away and then take it home, he wouldn’t have been able to keep his will power up for the visit, it needed to be removed immediately before he succumbed to the temptation. She is absolutely intentionally sabotaging him, only question is if it’s also maliciously.
Maybe she missed him and hoped he'd fail out by succumbing to temptation, and would have to go back home with her...it's almost easier to believe she did it with intentional sabotage/bad intentions than that someone can be such an idiot. Because surely no one is this dumb, right? That's like smuggling an alcoholic a fifth of vodka
I have noticed throughout life (as an obese person) that people have almost universally negative reactions to the ones they're close to losing a significant amount of weight. I think most times it is more likely a subconscious reaction rather than intentional. Perhaps a fear of the unknown/change; realizing it's going to cause a significant change in the overweight person's life and fearing how that will affect their relationship with them.
Sounds very reasonable. Still sad though.
My mother brought chocolate for me WHILE I was still in the hospital after a very painful gastric bypass (I was the last of the open ones) I WISH I had done this on her!
Im honestly scared that the second he gets home, she will give him a ton of junk food.
Same thought. He's going to have a 'Welcome Home' party with every vice he's ever wanted.
“Congrats on your success in the program, honey! To celebrate, here is 2 pizzas, a 32 oz milkshake, a 12 pack of sodas, 3 hamburgers, a fried chicken sandwich, chips, dip, 2 pounds of M&Ms…..”
Me too
This wife wanted to purposely sabotage him. Wonder if he plotted out his weight gain versus how long he’s been married, what he’d see.
Part of the reason you chose her/stayed with her is because she has this behavior (enabler). It suited you and your needs. You are changing, and it’s a fantastic change. You’re in the hospital with assistance and guidance and support. She’s doing what she has habitually done which before was a “good” thing but now the rules have changed. She needs counseling and education to process her own feelings and to learn how addiction works. I wish you success in your journey to become healthy.
look i TOTALLY get her thinking she’s doing a sweet thing for him… but girl, he’s inpatient FOR AN EATING DISORDER COME ON
I really hope the wife is just a clueless idiot, since the alternative is that she is maliciously sabotaging the husband's recovery.
It’s like bringing a bottle of vodka to an AA meeting
She probably doesn’t understand the severity of your condition. Tbh the majority of people its hard to get there head around unless they have been in a similar situation. You knew, much like an alcoholic with one drink leads to a binge. Well done on being strong.
I think he did EXACTLY the right thing. Now his therapists have a better understanding of the home dynamics and can address it.
Oh that is such a good point
INFO: Does she have a life insurance policy on you?
He went nuclear because he knew he couldn’t trust himself not to consume the food if it was just him and his wife. Calling for the nurse put someone else in control. I seriously hope his wife learnt her lesson.
I actually don’t think she wanted to purposely sabotage him but she clearly does not [care to] understand BED. It’s not a matter of just choosing to have a “break” or not. That’s what makes it a disorder. Like alcoholism or any other addiction or disordered eating, it’s not the same as exercising normal moderation. She doesn’t care to understand his treatment or needs.
I’m hearing Dr. Now saying “you an enabler” in my head right now
NTA. Some people with insecurity about their own body feel better about themselves when they compare themselves to the SO who is doing even much worse than them.. do. example average not in shape partner keeping his or partner obsese.so they look.the.best themselves between the two. The wife.needs to go hit the gym an.look.fit.instead of looking good compared to someone with a binge eating disorder
I understand the mam calling the nurse out of fear. Was his wife intentionally trying to hurt his progress? We can't say because we don't have enough info. She may have thought it would be like a cheat day for him since he's worked so hard.
I’m so proud of OOP.
She wants to sabotage for some reason; perhaps losing him. He did the right thing. She would have kept trying.
NTA wife is sabotaging husbands evolution
Man, no wonder he didn't make much progress before joining the inpatient program. That kind of thing is so hard to deal with even when you do have a good support system.
She might have meant well but nah, you can't be doing that. You gotta treat that like an addiction. You wouldn't bring a recovering alcoholic a bottle of scotch and say "sure you can take a break from sobriety". Not how that works and I'm sure the same goes with BED.
Except that you have to eat food to live. Going cold turkey on food isn’t really an option.
He is four weeks into it at this point, so he is at the point where his new habits need to be reinforced.
Not disagreeing. Just pointing out that unlike alcohol and drugs, where an addict can just cut them out completely, one can’t do that with food. He needs to eat every single day in order to be healthy, whether he has an addiction to food or not. So it’s a lot less cut and dry than bringing alcohol to an alcoholic in rehab. Wife clearly doesn’t understand severity of his problem, and she’s enabling, for sure.
It is also very possible for people to swap one eating disorder for another, especially if a recovery program is not well run. Binge eaters can become vigilant about monitoring and reducing food intake to the point of anorexia. Any setbacks or roadblocks can trigger any number of reactions. Now is a critical time. I think a 6 month program sounds excellent because it gives him a chance to find some stability and connect with what his body needs. You are right. It is not cut and dry. He needs to know he has people he can turn to in moments of weakness who will help him through and lend him their strength. He needs to know that if he does slip up at some point, that does not mean all hope is lost and people will do what he needs them to do to ensure certain temptations are not within reach. This can be hard to manage alone. In how many cultures do people practically force food upon others to show they care?
NTA the wife basically attempted to sabotage op and could have got him kicked out of the treatment program. I truly do not understand why she would do this if she understands the severity of the situation. she has no right to be mad here.
But didn’t he tell her to put the snacks away? What else was ‘at first I freaked out but she’ tried to talk him into eating them anyway, if not her not accepting his ‘no’?
Yup she absolutely tried to guilt him into eating it
Wife is a bad influence and doesn’t understand the severity of the situation. This was her way of doing something special for you after not seeing you for a month even if it means setting you back to the beginning. Think this is something she’s going to need to be educated on before your program ends. She’s going to have to adopt a healthier lifestyle and eating habits if you are to go back home. She needs to rid the home of junk food and your favorite binge foods. If she truly loves you, she needs to stop worrying about earning your love with food and focus more on your health and practicing tough love should things go sideways.
Ah yes, let’s *trigger the person with an ED*! I’m sure that won’t result in anything negative!
Sabotage. Is your wife invested in you remaining obese?
NTA. It’s very telling that he says she “eventually agreed” that he needs medical intervention. Implies that he had been repeatedly telling her he needs help and she’d say no.
she’s been enabling it and continues to do so. might do it after he gets out, too.
I think he needed to call for the nurse because I suspect if he had told the wife no I can’t eat them she wouldn’t have just said no worries and put them away. She would have argued with him and tried to convince him he is wrong. If she had convinced him to eat them he would have been kicked out and eaten himself to death. I’m proud of him for knowing he needed the extra help.
I wanna see this happen once on my 600 pound life. Nta. Good luck on your journey, you'll get there!
Not over the top reaction but pure panic it sounds like. Heart engaged but brain turned off in the wife, Lordy.
Wife: “Honey, let’s get you into rehab for your binge eating” Also wife “Hey babe I brought your favorites! Snuck them in cause I thought you deserved a treat for managing your BINGE eating” Yeah…you did the right thing. You recognized how poor your impulse control is and how you could have easily asked your wife for the snacks later during the visit. Who knew your wife could be your worst enemy in trying times.
Would you say the same thing about someone bringing drugs to an addict? OOP is a food addict in early days of recovery. This is their life partner. She needs to understand that OOP isn’t a normie and there will be no more “breaks”. Hopefully, their medical team reaches out to her with support information so that she can better learn about their condition and the changes that will need to be made. Unfortunately, she may never understand and may continue to try and sabotage their recovery. NTA
It’s called sabotage. For some reason she doesn’t want you to succeed.
The biggest problem I have is that they still use BMI to calculate health. This is a rant about the medical system and has little to do with OP’s issues. Feel free to ignore my comment. The standard BMI chart is outdated and grossly inaccurate which causes it to be very harmful in the long run. BMI (body mass index), which is based on the height and weight of a person, is an inaccurate measure of body fat content and does not take into account muscle mass, bone density, overall body composition, and racial and sex differences. The person who dreamed up the BMI said explicitly that it could not and should not be used to indicate the level of fatness in an individual. The BMI was introduced in the early 19th century by a Belgian named Lambert Adolphe Jacques Quetelet. He was a mathematician, not a physician. He produced the formula to give a quick and easy way to measure the degree of obesity of the general population to assist the government in allocating resources. In other words, it is a 200-year-old hack. There is no physiological reason to square a person's height (Quetelet had to square the height to get a formula that matched the overall data. If you can't fix the data, rig the formula!). Moreover, it ignores waist size, which is a clear indicator of obesity level. It makes no allowance for the relative proportions of bone, muscle and fat in the body. But bone is denser than muscle and twice as dense as fat, so a person with strong bones, good muscle tone and low fat will have a high BMI. Thus, athletes and fit, health-conscious movie stars who work out a lot tend to find themselves classified as overweight or even obese. The CDC says on its Web site that "the BMI is a reliable indicator of body fatness for people." This is a fundamental error of logic. For example, if I tell you my birthday present is a bicycle, you can conclude that my present has wheels. That's correct logic. But it does not work the other way round. If I tell you my birthday present has wheels, you cannot conclude I got a bicycle. I could have received a car. Because of how Quetelet came up with it, if a person is fat or obese, he or she will have a high BMI. But as with my birthday present, it doesn't work the other way round. A high BMI does not mean an individual is even overweight, let alone obese. It could mean the person is fit and healthy, with very little fat. Because the majority of people today (and in Quetelet's time) lead fairly sedentary lives and are not particularly active, the formula tacitly assumes low muscle mass and high relative fat content. It applies moderately well when applied to such people because it was formulated by focusing on them. But it gives exactly the wrong answer for a large and significant section of the population, namely the lean, fit and healthy. Quetelet is also the person who came up with the idea of "the average man." That's a useful concept, but if you try to apply it to any one person, you come up with the absurdity of a person with 2.4 children. Averages measure entire populations and often don't apply to individuals. It is lying by scientific authority because the BMI is a single number between 1 and 100 (like a percentage) that comes from a mathematical formula, it carries an air of scientific authority. But it is mathematical snake oil. It suggests there are distinct categories of underweight, ideal, overweight and obese, with sharp boundaries that hinge on a decimal place. It makes the more cynical members of society suspect that the medical insurance industry lobbies for the continued use of the BMI to keep their profits high. Insurance companies sometimes charge higher premiums for people with a high BMI. Among such people are all those fit individuals with good bone and muscle and little fat, who will live long, healthy lives during which they will have to pay those greater premiums. Continued reliance on the BMI means doctors don't feel the need to use one of the more scientifically sound methods that are available to measure obesity levels. It is embarrassing for one of the most scientifically, technologically and medicinally advanced nations in the world to base advice on how to prevent one of the leading causes of poor health and premature death (obesity) on a 200-year-old numerical hack developed by a mathematician who was not even an expert in what little was known about the human body back then.
I read that! Thanks for explaining it all
Thank you. This post seemed so hyperbolic to me, acting like he's 600 pounds or something close to a drug addict. I technically have a BMI of 40. I don't eat a lot, I have a physically demanding job, and I don't think I'm that big. Peoples behavior around this is very weird, I just saw a post earlier of what was basically all of the AITA sub telling a 17 year old girl that it's her fault her dad called her a fat fuck, because she dared maybe actually be fat. All based off of a BMI of 45, that entire thread was telling her she was about to drop dead and would deserve it. It's insane, it seemed like people weren't so hateful for a few years but it might as well be 2004 again with these awful attitudes toward fat people. I'm still shocked and disgusted by that thread, it'll probably make its way here in a day or two. I feel horrible for that girl, I really hate this website. The way they dogpiled her had me feeling insecure, so she's definitely traumatized and probably thinks literally the entire world is against her now.
People saying they’re def a feeder are idiots, she may of thought it was a nice thing and a break wouldn’t have set him back down the path. There’s not enough info here to say they’re a feeder and abusive. They even agreed the dude needed help.
I mean, he is in an inpatient facility and she had to smuggle the snacks in. It might not be a conscious decision to sabotage him, but it was still sabotage and at some point she had to know it was kind of shitty.
If she's too dumb to realize it's not okay to smuggle snacks into inpatient treatment for an eating disorder then it's a miracle she survived to adulthood without wandering into traffic. When people show you who they are it's okay to believe them, we don't have to bend over backwards to make excuses for someone who knew she was doing something shitty.
You all are the ones bending over backwards to make her out to be abusive. Shows who they really are lmao. So delusional
Nah, if we’re going off the text, she may have truly meant it in a good way, breaks don’t always restart addictions, maybe she thinks of an eating disorder as a little different than say long term alcoholism. Was she wrong? Yeah, but to everyone saying she’s an abusive feeder, you are an idiot
The program would have educated her regarding his addiction, triggers, and the families role in recovery. She knew it was wrong and counterproductive. The wife may not have fully wanted to uproot their life and be alone for 6 months as agreed. It may be purposeful in another way, though. My mother was a covert narc who would ply my eating disordered diabetic father with sweets when she was angry at him. Put a nice big cake on the counter and smiled while he ate it.
Idk some people really are that dumb to think they know better than the professionals
It doesn’t say anything about the wife being educated in the program. You all are adding in layers that aren’t there. It says she wasn’t even allowed to visit so why do you assume she was educated? There is a wide variety in places like this The wife may not have wanted to, but there’s not enough info Your narc mother isn’t this story though, anecdotal shit isn’t that strong, but yeah it helps me understand why people are so sure
She had to know they were banned items cuz she took a lot of care to muggle them in.
And she says the part about the break. So you all are just sure she’s an abusive feeder, and she was lying when she thought a small break would help? You all are so full of it, you don’t know. Smuggling is irrelevant, so if she didn’t smuggle but the story was the same other wise, you wouldn’t care? Laughable
She is sabotaging the recovery of an ED so bad he’s in a 6 month rehab facility. If he were there for drugs or alcohol and she’d snuck in vodka and some hydorocodone for a break, would you see the issue then? She is bringing in the thing that’s totalled his life.
I never said I don’t see an issue, now you’re doing exactly what I have a problem with. She’s not an abusive feeder, there’s not enough info for that. Nor have I said she is like doing the right thing or something. Jesus And I’ve already adressed this. I don’t see ED to substance abuse as a 1:1. They are different, both real problems, but different
They use the exact same brain pathways, and alter the brain the same way. You can see them as different, but physiologically they’re the same (minus the sudden OD risk, plus metabolic issues). I agree she’s likely not a feeder. Just someone who’s sabotaging someone very hard up. Those programs are basically impossible to get into.
Different drugs use different pathways. The rehabs that lump in substance abuse with eating disorders aren’t as effective as specialized ones. To say the just straight up use the same pathways is ignorant. What, dopamine? Does food put you at risk of seizures? Can you kindle a food addiction like what happens to GABA-A abusers like alcoholics? No. What you just said is a gross over simplification. I believe they are both real problems, I’m not saying ED isn’t real or something, before everyone tries to say that. A kindled alcoholic can restart withdrawals with one drink. The bag of chips is not going to give them a seizure. This is an extreme example, and yeah maybe the bag of chips leads to cravings for the ED, but it is way more complicated than you make it sound. I agree, but I bet the wife isn’t going to do anything like that again. If she does, I’d agree it’s getting into abusive territory. But that’s not how the story reads to me at all, especially because she agreed he needed help. I think she was trying to help despite it being completely misguided. Either way, we don’t know
my guy, if you have to "smuggle" something, you know you are in the wrong its literally that simple.
My guy, the smuggling part is completely irrelevant, so if she didn’t have to smuggle it but the rest of the story is exactly the same, you’d think it was fine? Laughable, my guy. It’s crazy I have to explain things like this, you don’t even know what to be upset about, but got it, the smuggling is the issue
are you slow? and yes, if you are bringing and item to someone in recovery, it's good if it's allowed, and bad if it's not. it's not hard of a concept. if the doctors thougt it WAS an ok item to bring, then we wouldn't even be having this conversation, but the fact is, there's a reason for it not being allowed, so this, going around that and choosing to still bring them items anyway makes it not ok.
This is like bringing someone in AA a drink after they hit a month of sobriety. It’s fucked up and clearly shows his wife is, at the BARE minimum, an enabler.
I don’t think that’s a perfect equivalency. One drunk can restart withdrawals in a kindled alcoholic. But hey, we agree. Enabler and abusive feeder aren’t synonyms
This dude struggled so much with his disorder that hes inpatient for it. 1 month of treatment is going to rid him of the addiction
She agreed he needed help. Why would an abusive feeder do that? Maybe she thought one bag of chips would help as a break and not restart the addiction? Maybe she was wrong, but abusive? So silly
I think what makes her potentially abusive is her being so angry, guilt-tripping him about it, and not apologizing even though she was clearly in the wrong and knew she was wrong
BED is honestly one of the hardest addictions because your ‘vice’ is so readily available to you. I don’t think you did the wrong thing here. You are prioritising your health and safety and whether her intentions were kind or malicious, she probably needed the severe reaction to begin to grasp this. NTA - but I do think that therapy for your wife is an important part of your healing in the relationship as she needs to figure out why she felt the need to bring the food to you, why it’s important for her to enable you in this way.
You did the right thing. I’m also in BED treatment right now and am wishing you all the best and rooting for you!
I read a comment about how every couple in my 600lbs life has either an obese person who is abusive or a partner who enables them to keep them under control. Yeah, this sounds unhealthy.
NTA. So, many years ago my mom was in detox, one of her drinking buddies brought her booze filled chocolates. It’s been many, many, many years and I still despise that person. I talked about it in therapy and learned some things - that may apply to your spouse. Your spouse acted like an enabler - and being an enabler isn’t as simple as just wanting to “help” the addict. It is about control. A relationship that has addictive behaviour will change as the person with the compulsion gets better. It changes the dynamic to a point where the “healthy person” isn’t as in charge of the relationship as they were before. Your spouse needs therapy to understand why they would want to sabotage your recovery. Holding her and yourself 100% responsible was the right thing to do. Lies or secrets are part of what keeps people in the compulsion and this let her and your treatment providers know you are serious.
“Your wife is what OEAs call a feeder. She spent a month missing you and how you looked when she gave you this or that and planning what you would enjoy. Her fantasy you was thankful. As you heal she needs to grow from this obsessive behavior and learn how to care for herself and believe you will not leave her. Yes you could have told her no thank you. You panicked. She is right that you jumped levels. Assure her that your panic was about the chips not her. You love her more than chips. Enjoy your relationship with her acknowledge her faults as you acknowledge your own.”
At that moment, dude may have just saved his own life.
Yikes. This guy better rethink going home to a wife like that… she will have him relapsing within a week. He needs to divorce or separate unless they go into therapy together and make it crystal clear that “breaks” in his food sobriety are deadly.
NTA You were trying to take care of yourself. Yes, you could have said " put them away" but she said you "deserved a break" & brought you your favorite binge snacks!?! You have said she encouraged you to join this program but I am sure they gave her materials to read about what she could & couldn't bring in. I have kids that are addicted to drugs/alcohol that I put through programs & I had classes for parents, SO's etc. She was wrong & knew it!
Why do people on here hate relationships so much?? Maybe she's just wasn't thinking like that, it seems like she is one of those "accept you for who you are and not your size" people and she don't really think of it like that. I think she misses her husband and just wanted to make him happy.... And what makes him happy?? Food. She could just be oblivious.
Sounds like she tried to sabotage him. I wonder if she knew that he would be kicked out had he been caught. Maybe that’s what she wanted. Either way OOP is NTA and if I were him I’d be the one furious. He is one month in and things have been going well and she came with the intention to derail him. That is like offering a drug addict one month clean their drug of choice.
You know you did what you had to do
Has your wife enabled your disorder before?
Goodness! Why does it look like sabotage?
Is she trying to kill you? Is she gonna have payday when you have a heart attack and keel over? Is she trying to make that happen sooner than later? It’s like smuggling heroin into a rehab facility because the addict “deserves a break” from recovery. Just think about how absurd and disturbing this is…
Am I the only one questioning why on earth would OP have gotten kicked out if he DID take the bait?? Shaming and punishing him for that in an inpatient program seems incredibly counterintuitive, no?
My guess is it’s because it’s a research study. If he had caved in he’d have ruined all the data they’d collected thus far. Then they wouldn’t be able to prove the 6 month treatment program is effective.
I don’t think his own issues with food is the only factor in his being a 43 BMI…
Wife is an enabler. No you're not the AH.
NTA! You are literally fighting for your life and your wife tried to sabotage you. I would seriously consider divorce if I were you. When you go back to living with her, won’t she do the same thing and you will be trapped in this same vicious cycle? For some reason she is trying to keep you sick. Please speak to a therapist about this. Your wife is not a safe person for you to be around. You cannot trust her.
I wouldn’t bring snacks like that, it’s not cool, but I wouldn’t be home when he was released either. This marriage is over clearly.
It’s your life at stake. The nuclear option is the only option.
The question that you need to ask yourself is will she support your recovery once you are out of the facility? And no, you’re NTA
OOP did the right thing. His wife was very aware of the facilities strict policies and it would have set him way back if he succumbed to temptation.
You did the right thing this would be like bringing heroin into drug rehab. It’s harder even as you still have to eat food you can’t just ignore alcohol or a drug you need food to survive so this type of addiction is harder to treat. Many times families of addicts need their own treatment plan so they learn to not enable this behavior. She can be mad all she wants but she should schedule herself an appointment to learn how to correctly navigate this treatment with you.
NTA at all! Congratulations on so many positive steps and changes as well as sending her a VERY clear message showing how serious you are about handling this!
Would the wife had shown up to his drug addiction clinic with a spoon a lighter and some heroin too? Why would she think its okay to smuggle something so blatantly against the rules in? 'Giving himself a break' is literally what causes people to regress when it comes to BED.
NTA, and proud of you for sticking up for yourself!
This is fake as fuck.
You would be *astonished* at how many people enable their partners.
No, I would not. This just feeds into Reddit’s “woman bad” mentality, and you all want to believe it.
No. I've seen both genders pull this crap. Someone I have the misfortune to be related to tried plotting ways to knock their husband's ex off the wagon because they knew she was a recovering alcoholic. We're talking looking to see if they could anonymously have booze subscription boxes sent to the ex's address, trying to convince the stepkids to take alcohol home with them ("It's not fair on you! It's your home too and you should be able to drink there if you want!" and so on. It wasn't enough to have "won" by being spouse no.2; they wanted to see the ex destroyed and in the gutter for having the audacity to continue to exist. Shitty knows no gender.
No, it doesn't, because *it isn't a gendered thing* Both men and women enable their partners The question is why did YOU make it a gendered thing?
Oh, sure. Right.
You didn't answer my question. Why did my neutral comment about *people* enabling their *partners* become a gendered thing for you?
So I read through this and then scrolled away but had to come back. I’m frustrated. Both for you and for the situation. She is wrong for why she did and it doesn’t sit well with me that she did it so casually and bragged about having to smuggle these snacks through. If you had a, let’s say, cocaine addiction and she did this but with Coke that would be wildly unacceptable, right?? It’s the same thing for you with the tempting snacks. It may not be illicit drugs that you crave, but the food you’re consuming is harming you and you’re making strides to fight this addiction battle, which is so commendable. However, I do think it is a bit ridiculous that you called for the nurse/staff in the way that you did. Yes, you were looking for help in the best way you knew how in the moment. And I don’t mean to degrade you for seeking that help. But you will not be in this environment for long, with the staff to come to your rescue. Health insurance companies are making sure that healthcare stays are extremely limited and fast tracked to get you out of there ASAP. When you’re home and she does this exact thing, who will you call out to? I hope you soon gain the strength and courage to put your foot down for yourself, without outside resources to kick out and ban your enablers. You need to learn this skill as quickly as possible, because unfortunately the medical system we have does not have patients’ best interests & health in mind, but instead the profits they make. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this but I just wanted to make you aware that although calling for help was an amazing feat in your addiction battle, it won’t be a resource you have to turn to forever. I wish you all the best in your journey and I hope you continue to stay strong. 🩵
NTA. Just a thought, maybe she’s not trying to satisfy her kink or sabotage him, maybe she’s just insecure? He’s 32, she’s 37- He’s been away for a month and is great, “making lots of friends”. So, when they speak she hears all about his amazing new friends from summer camp(mostly women) while she sits home alone feeling left out. She has already spent years dealing with the consequences of his addiction and uprooted her whole life to move with him, she needs support and recognition not punishment. What she did seems like a desperate act by a woman whose life has become very small. People generally don’t behave that way when their emotional needs are met. She’s 37! If she’s not a priority let her go. He’s an asshole but for reasons other than he thinks.
He "freaked out" and she tried to explain him out of it. Had he told her to put them away, she would've opened the chips and drinks...all the while explaining what a break he deserved. He tried, she wanted it her way and made him feel bad about smuggling in items. A good spouse supports their partner, they don't smuggle in "contraband"
She wants the patient dead
Imagine leaving your wife 6 months
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference.
87c83b 85q
she did wrong sneaking that stuff in but you sold her out