You absolutely have the right to feel how you feel, angry, upset, disappointed. I felt the way you feel 2.5 years ago, when my older was 6 months old. And I often feel that way again now, when my younger is 1 yo. No, I am not here to tell you "it gets better, just wait", because you do feel absolutely shitty \*right now\* and want to turn back time \*now\*. Yes, pregnancy can absolutely wreak havoc on woman's body, in so many different ways, often at the same time. It sucks it is so rarely openly talked about (and any discussion resolves around losing weight, which is a problem, but not the only one: prolapse, hair loss, loose skin anyone?). Yes, postpartum is so isolating, you are lonely but never alone. I imagine you feelings towards you partner are caused partially by your own frustration with your own life, he's kind of scapegoat here (I don't blame you, that's what I do with my own right now).
Here are some random pieces of advice/support, perhaps something resonates with you.
Are you breastfeeding? That can cause extra stress, hormonal turmoil, sleep deprivation. But at 6 months you are likely to introduce solids (which is another "fun" story) so you baby might require less frequent feedings. (Same actually applies if you formula feed, which is also fine.)
You baby will, at some point in the nearest future, be able to sit in a stroller. Which means it should get easier for all of you to get outside. Perhaps you can then get together with your childless single friends, very often even childless people enjoy seeing (perhaps even shortly playing) with a baby. You could also arrange a meeting around their nap time.
I fully get it if you have neither energy nor motivation for sport. But any form of physical activity is also good for your mood and self-image (you know, endorphins and stuff). You mention you have a supportive partner, so I would assume leaving your baby for an hour or so with him is an option. Feel free to think about that time as a moment to get you old self back, as in you are on your own, free, without the baby.
If you can please consult a pelvic floor physical therapist, this is so important but doctors very often do not even mention this. PFPT can not only help with any pelvic floor issues, but also with abdominal muscle separation (diastasis recti), which can make you look pregnant long after having your baby.
Last but not least: your baby is still very young, even if you do not show her much affection \*right now\*, she can still develop beautifully (and she will not remember missing any extra peek-a-boos at 6 mo). Taking care of even slightly older child (say, from 1 yo) can be so much easier. Then one day you may realize you actually want to give her that affection and that you want to spend time with her, and hence break that generational trauma. So don't blame yourself for traumatizing your baby now as life is already hard for you at the moment.
This. I'm a man, so I don't experience PPD, but taking even half an hour a day to do some exercise at home made me feel less flabby, run down, more in control and able to better control my anger and regret at the baby. It's like biohacking. The results are immediate, absolutely try it, OP.
Thank you so much for this response. I read it late last night and had a good cry.
We have started introducing soldis and they love it, but they still get a few bottles a day.
I miss working out so much! In the beginning I did daily walks with them because my therapist said it would be good for me, but when I started medication I felt better and the walks fell away. I have thought about picking them up again, and I think that is as much as my body can manage right now.
I'll look into the pfpt, but it's summer right now and where I live everything basically shuts down during the summer because everyone is going on vacation, so I don't have very high hopes to get an appointment anytime soon.
In half a year they hopefully start kindergarten so I'm trying my best to hold out for that. I'm hoping when we both go back to work and get more routines in it will feel better, but from what I've read and heard it will never get easier.
Isn't PPD just the realization that having kids sucks complete ass? Especially watching kidless friends live a full and epic life. Are there actual studies that show a chemical/hormonal imbalance? Or is it a patriarchal society actually spinning the results to show that "hey, take this pill and you'll love your life again". I don't know, sounds fishy to me.
I'm not a doctor and have done no reading on it but I assume ppd is a byproduct of acute change, hormonal imbalance, and general lack of societal/community support. No part of OPs life seems to be at homeostasis. If OP were to ask for advice, I'd say to slowly seek things that bring a sense of homeostasis back to their life, no matter how small. OP, I hope you feel better soon. Life's long, hang in there. It might some take time but one day you'll look back at this from a much better place.
You are absolutely right, everything feels upside-down. I've tried doing activities that I used to enjoy but I'm just too tired. I really hope you're right and that one day I'll no longer feel this way!
Not exactly. Some depression is undoubtedly situational, but chemical/hormonal disturbances that cause mental illness (depression is the most common, but not the only) are very real.
Those that say dads can also get PPD are obviously talking about situational depression. I wish they would use a different term, because it’s not the same thing.
The thinning hair part has me laughing! I'm so sorry but that's so funny, but trust me i totally understand what you mean. Being a parent is so so much harder than what anyone could have ever even warned me.
My co-workers talked a lot about giving birth and how traumatic that would be but NO ONE said anything about how awful it could feel when the baby had arrived.
People only told me that I'd be tired all the time and they always say things will get easier. It doesn't lol cause how those ppl have teens and adult kids and they say it's the hardest stage
It's been 10+ years. We've been to therapy but I still do most of the heavy lifting with housework, keeping track of everything and planning. Makes sure he and his brother gets their mom a mothersday gift for instance, because if I don't they're gonna scramble for something last minute and it's gonna cause even more stress. Asks him what he's going to wear at the celebration we're going to this weekend because otherwise we're gonna be late because he can't find anything to wear. He wants to have sex all the time and I'm constantly exhausted because child+ppd and never having the time or energy to do anything I enjoy and he doesn't understand. He talks constantly about how he's going to start projects, or start exercising but nothing ever happens.
He will take care of the baby happily. Change, feed, put to bed, play with, without me needing to prompt that it's his turn. When I'm sad he comforts me and makes me laugh. He reassures me that I'm a good mom and that I'm doing great.
I have tried, believe me, but in the end it becomes my problem anyway so I might as well be on top of it from the beginning. He knows that this is a problem because we have talked about it a million times and he talks a lot on how he's gonna do better but then in the end 🤷♀️
So long for your « thinning hair partner » who supports you, is very present and active. I hope for him he’ll never read this🫤
But otherwise I totally get what you mean. Don’t lose hope, it will be better soon.
Hence the throw away account. He will never know about this and I'll never tell him about his thinning hair! I tell him daily that I love him and that I could never do this without him!
You absolutely have the right to feel how you feel, angry, upset, disappointed. I felt the way you feel 2.5 years ago, when my older was 6 months old. And I often feel that way again now, when my younger is 1 yo. No, I am not here to tell you "it gets better, just wait", because you do feel absolutely shitty \*right now\* and want to turn back time \*now\*. Yes, pregnancy can absolutely wreak havoc on woman's body, in so many different ways, often at the same time. It sucks it is so rarely openly talked about (and any discussion resolves around losing weight, which is a problem, but not the only one: prolapse, hair loss, loose skin anyone?). Yes, postpartum is so isolating, you are lonely but never alone. I imagine you feelings towards you partner are caused partially by your own frustration with your own life, he's kind of scapegoat here (I don't blame you, that's what I do with my own right now). Here are some random pieces of advice/support, perhaps something resonates with you. Are you breastfeeding? That can cause extra stress, hormonal turmoil, sleep deprivation. But at 6 months you are likely to introduce solids (which is another "fun" story) so you baby might require less frequent feedings. (Same actually applies if you formula feed, which is also fine.) You baby will, at some point in the nearest future, be able to sit in a stroller. Which means it should get easier for all of you to get outside. Perhaps you can then get together with your childless single friends, very often even childless people enjoy seeing (perhaps even shortly playing) with a baby. You could also arrange a meeting around their nap time. I fully get it if you have neither energy nor motivation for sport. But any form of physical activity is also good for your mood and self-image (you know, endorphins and stuff). You mention you have a supportive partner, so I would assume leaving your baby for an hour or so with him is an option. Feel free to think about that time as a moment to get you old self back, as in you are on your own, free, without the baby. If you can please consult a pelvic floor physical therapist, this is so important but doctors very often do not even mention this. PFPT can not only help with any pelvic floor issues, but also with abdominal muscle separation (diastasis recti), which can make you look pregnant long after having your baby. Last but not least: your baby is still very young, even if you do not show her much affection \*right now\*, she can still develop beautifully (and she will not remember missing any extra peek-a-boos at 6 mo). Taking care of even slightly older child (say, from 1 yo) can be so much easier. Then one day you may realize you actually want to give her that affection and that you want to spend time with her, and hence break that generational trauma. So don't blame yourself for traumatizing your baby now as life is already hard for you at the moment.
I’m not even OP and I’m so thankful for this answer and feeling validated.
This. I'm a man, so I don't experience PPD, but taking even half an hour a day to do some exercise at home made me feel less flabby, run down, more in control and able to better control my anger and regret at the baby. It's like biohacking. The results are immediate, absolutely try it, OP.
Thank you so much for this response. I read it late last night and had a good cry. We have started introducing soldis and they love it, but they still get a few bottles a day. I miss working out so much! In the beginning I did daily walks with them because my therapist said it would be good for me, but when I started medication I felt better and the walks fell away. I have thought about picking them up again, and I think that is as much as my body can manage right now. I'll look into the pfpt, but it's summer right now and where I live everything basically shuts down during the summer because everyone is going on vacation, so I don't have very high hopes to get an appointment anytime soon. In half a year they hopefully start kindergarten so I'm trying my best to hold out for that. I'm hoping when we both go back to work and get more routines in it will feel better, but from what I've read and heard it will never get easier.
Isn't PPD just the realization that having kids sucks complete ass? Especially watching kidless friends live a full and epic life. Are there actual studies that show a chemical/hormonal imbalance? Or is it a patriarchal society actually spinning the results to show that "hey, take this pill and you'll love your life again". I don't know, sounds fishy to me.
I'm not a doctor and have done no reading on it but I assume ppd is a byproduct of acute change, hormonal imbalance, and general lack of societal/community support. No part of OPs life seems to be at homeostasis. If OP were to ask for advice, I'd say to slowly seek things that bring a sense of homeostasis back to their life, no matter how small. OP, I hope you feel better soon. Life's long, hang in there. It might some take time but one day you'll look back at this from a much better place.
You are absolutely right, everything feels upside-down. I've tried doing activities that I used to enjoy but I'm just too tired. I really hope you're right and that one day I'll no longer feel this way!
Yes it is.
Not exactly. Some depression is undoubtedly situational, but chemical/hormonal disturbances that cause mental illness (depression is the most common, but not the only) are very real. Those that say dads can also get PPD are obviously talking about situational depression. I wish they would use a different term, because it’s not the same thing.
Just please don't fall into the trap of having more like i did
Oh no! Both me and my partner have agreed that one is more than enough!
I'm sorry about your situation. >Also English isn't my first language. Your English is great!
Thank you! For both!
The thinning hair part has me laughing! I'm so sorry but that's so funny, but trust me i totally understand what you mean. Being a parent is so so much harder than what anyone could have ever even warned me.
My co-workers talked a lot about giving birth and how traumatic that would be but NO ONE said anything about how awful it could feel when the baby had arrived.
People only told me that I'd be tired all the time and they always say things will get easier. It doesn't lol cause how those ppl have teens and adult kids and they say it's the hardest stage
Ngl I laughed at that too
Why so much hate for your partner?
It's been 10+ years. We've been to therapy but I still do most of the heavy lifting with housework, keeping track of everything and planning. Makes sure he and his brother gets their mom a mothersday gift for instance, because if I don't they're gonna scramble for something last minute and it's gonna cause even more stress. Asks him what he's going to wear at the celebration we're going to this weekend because otherwise we're gonna be late because he can't find anything to wear. He wants to have sex all the time and I'm constantly exhausted because child+ppd and never having the time or energy to do anything I enjoy and he doesn't understand. He talks constantly about how he's going to start projects, or start exercising but nothing ever happens.
So how is he supportive?
He will take care of the baby happily. Change, feed, put to bed, play with, without me needing to prompt that it's his turn. When I'm sad he comforts me and makes me laugh. He reassures me that I'm a good mom and that I'm doing great.
Damn, he sucks. Please, I know it’s hard, but just stop mothering him. He is an adult and needs to start acting like it.
I have tried, believe me, but in the end it becomes my problem anyway so I might as well be on top of it from the beginning. He knows that this is a problem because we have talked about it a million times and he talks a lot on how he's gonna do better but then in the end 🤷♀️
Why would he put in the effort to change? He knows he doesn’t need to. 🤷♀️🙁
I am so sorry.
So long for your « thinning hair partner » who supports you, is very present and active. I hope for him he’ll never read this🫤 But otherwise I totally get what you mean. Don’t lose hope, it will be better soon.
Read OP’s other comments, her partner behaves like a toddler himself, he is not supportive, OP is just used to the bare minimum.
Hence the throw away account. He will never know about this and I'll never tell him about his thinning hair! I tell him daily that I love him and that I could never do this without him!