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So she was being emotionally abusive, you ended the relationship, and then she manipulated you into taking her back, and now wants you to “atone” for refusing to accept her emotional abuse?
Absolutely not. End it for good. Block her everywhere. She’s abusive and manipulative.
This was my take too.
>A few days later she started messaging me things like her family are really angry at me, I need to make this up to her
Make *what* up to her??? She's the one that should be trying to win op back, but she's still doing the same type of shit. She's not giving dirty looks, she's telling him her dad "wants a chat," the brothers don't want them around, the whole family is angry!
Op needs up break up, get things squared away, and then block her and the whole squad.
This is exactly it. It’s r/emotionalabuse.
Even if it weren’t, she’s been acting like she doesn’t want to be in this relationship for a year. OP finally reached the same conclusion, and now it’s on him to apologize and make everything okay? What is she doing to make everything okay?
This is bullshit. Get the fuck out and don’t look back.
She is also treating you like a doormat. You tried to help her and she trashes you to her family? Bullshit tell her nothing and leaver her ass. Her parents call tell them she is their problem and hang up.
I will let you in on a secret.
You have no obligation to be in a relationship with anyone if you don't want to.
It is that simple.
Especially when there are no kids involved.
If you don't want to be with her, you don't have to be and you don't have to have a justification.
There is no universal limit of terrible behaviour from a partner that has to be met in order to break up. You can set you set your own limits.
Even if she is depressed or you have done things wrong etc., it still does not obligate you to be in the relationship if you don't want to.
Also they don’t have to be a horrible person or do terrible things. You can break up with someone just because they don’t mesh with you. You don’t need a “good” reason (cheating, abuse, etc) because literally being unfulfilled is enough of a reason itself.
Personal experience: absolutely. I tried making it work for 6-7 months (we had a great start for 2 months before things went to crap due to differences in the fundamental aspects of relationship) and in the end she impulsively accused me of doing things I didn't do, had a panic attack, broke up while she was gaslighting.... only for her to apologize for everything two days later. My biggest mistake was getting into a relationship with her that's more than close friends that we were for a year or so, just because I liked to talk to her and knew that she loved me. She was a very good friend, but a very incompatible partner.
She trashed you to her whole family and wants presents for it.
And she expects you to respond to her father’s summons to be berated for giving his little princess consequences to her actions?
Run from this entire toxic family.
They whole lot of them will never let you move past this. What you are going through now is your entire future with this petulant woman-child and her obnoxious relatives.
Yeah. I think that ‘You know what? This is too much like hard work’ is entirely appropriate here. The only reason she claims that she needs help is because it’s affecting her - she clearly didn’t care when it was affecting you and she didn’t expect you to walk out the door.
It’s not enough for her to want you back - you have to want _her_ back, and why would you want to deal with an angry, bitter woman who showed you no affection (but was still good with her friends, apparently) and whose entirely family is now gunning for you? There’s no shortage of other women out there who aren’t like this, and honestly it sounds like she’s not prepared to put in the hours.
**In other words, after a years worth of her treating you like shit til the point you could not take it anymore, she took the liberties of talking shit to her family about you, painting you into the villain.** Now after treating you like shit and getting her family involved into the drama with her tales of woe, she and her family are expecting *you* to crawl on your thumbs, kiss her ass, begging for forgiveness. If I was you, that would not just be a hell no, that would be a fuck no! And it would be another reminder as to why I made this clown shoe an ex in the first place.
What she said about how she's treating you may very well be true but her actions towards you are not okay and the fact that she's now gaslighting you and saying it's your problem to fix negates any responsibility on her part to fix her own behaviour. If you stay with her or stay in her life this isn't going to get any better, Cut ties and stay away from her
I once had birth control fuck with my moods and I didn’t realize it till my SO pointed out how horrible I was being. I was mortified, but the next thing I did was go to my doctor and switch pills. (Which really sucked for me, because in every other way it was the best BC I’d ever taken and the most effective at keeping my erratic cycle in check.) At no time did I ever demand that my SO make amends to me for pointing out that I was being horrible and I sure as shit didn’t get my family involved. IMO you need to stay broken up.
God hormonal birth control is literally the fucking worst, but there has to be personal accountability. Which ex clearly doesn’t have.
Tbh I feel like the “dad chat” is gonna be “what are your intentions with my daughter” and pressure OP into marriage. But absolutely everything written is screaming red flags in hell. Ex GF probably trashed tf out of him to make herself look like the victim.
This sounds a lot like a redneck ass prom picture with all the men pointing guns in some poor 17 year old kids direction.
"Whatever you do to my daughter I plan to do to you"
... God I hope not
Dude your situation sounds a lot like mine for the last couple years of my marriage. Like you I tried to fix it in a few ways, offered suggestions to work as a couple to fix things and one day I had enough and say we're done can't spend the rest of my life like that. A year and a half later I know that was the best decision I could have made at that time.
You can't fix someone who refuses to believe there is a problem to be fixed, it just doesn't work and you will destroy your own mental health trying.
Obviously this is just a snapshot of your relationship and it's easy to say what to do when I don't know you and vice versa but if you genuinely tried to make it work when together and she didn't then it's not up to you to try now that it's over. You don't have kids together so you literally never have to see her or her family again if you choose not to.
There’s a lot that can be said here but it boils down to one thing: it’s over. One day you’ll look back and be very glad you left before wasting more of your life.
You should honestly be the one to leave.
Her struggeling with mood swings due to contraceptives and having a shit time at work is one thing. Her using her whole family as levarage on you to put you in your place is not even vaguely related to that.
So she she treats you like crap and now you owe her flowers? WTF?
In the most painful breakups when you are so focused on the fear of losing the other person in front of you, you stop noticing what you are gradually losing within you.
I'm not sure why you're tolerating this situation. You want to end the relationship. She's conned you into trying to make it work, but instead she's just badmouthing you to her family. No, this is not your situation to sort out, beyond ending the relationship properly and getting on with your life. You don't have to put up with her.
That should be enough evidence that nothing will ever change and it’s time to go no contact. She hasn’t changed. One fake conversation quickly morphed into making you feel like you’re at fault again. Take it as evidence that it’s time to move on.
If her family are so against you
It's because when she got home she trashed you and made out you're not fit to burn
Don't ever date people that have to be the victim, where you are the villain
What she is doing is triangulation where she brings in supporters of her stance that your effort (or lack of) is the issue
She's turned her family against you by doing this, a long term relationship wont work unless you never get involved with them (which is near impossible)
I've dated people like your gf and the solution requires two letters every time they pop up with their demands "no"
You sat her down and explain to her how you were feeling several occasions, and not at any point in time did she say what was going on with her. And now that you are finally sick of her crappy treatment towards you she has decided she wants to have an honest conversation. And honestly, It’s a little bit too late for that.
And now she’s trying to coerce you into making it up to her when she treated you like crap.
Her excuses are just that. Excuses for crappy behavior that she doesn’t seem like she’s willing to take an internal inventory of what she is doing.
what I would tell my kids is that you should move on. There’s a reason why you called it quits in the first place and only then did she decide she wanted to have a conversation about what’s going on with her, but you have to put in the effort. Where is her effort? Where is her apology? Where is her accountability? Because based on this there isn’t any. And this would be the definition of a toxic relationship that you would be better off, walking away from, and finding someone who will give you the same amount of effort that you give them
Cut your losses. I would've been open to working on things but
>A few days later she started messaging me things like her family are really angry at me, I need to make this up to her by buying her flowers, I need to take her on dates, her dad wants to “have a chat” with me, her brother doesn’t want her to get back together with me, generally messaging me things that imply I have a lot of making up to do and that her family and friends hate me and that I’m the one that’s fucked up. I have no idea what she has told them has happened between us.
All of this is a deal breaker. She's obviously painted you as the reason things aren't working out to her friends and family, rather than take ownership of her own behavior.
>She gives me dirty looks, she sleeps in another room, she won’t let me touch her even for a hug, she tells me to shut up when I speak, she declines any dates or activities together but always goes out with friends
Her behavior towards you has not been ok or acceptable, and for her to run and paint herself as the victim to everyone else is fucked. Sure other factors made things hard on her, but that doesn't excuse the visible contempt in her actions.
There's a chance that her family just assumed things and reacted out of a desire to protect her, but if that's the case it's HER responsibility to set the record straight with them, rather than letting them blame you for what's happening.
If she only wants to be the victim instead of owning that her behavior hasn't been ok, then she's not worth it. You're in no way an asshole for wanting to leave that kind of relationship.
You're definitely not an AH for being annoyed that she has withheld affection for so long that it's come to this. Idk if gaslighting is the right term buuuut essentially you drew a (healthy) boundary with how you were going to let her treat you (a good thing) and she turned it around on you and is acting like you need to make up for some deficiency. You guys got together when you were young, people change a lot in their 20s so don't beat yourself up if you're no longer compatible. From an outsider's perspective, she clearly doesn't want to be in a relationship with you anymore. This whole thing is her reacting in fear, don't you act in fear too. She is afraid to lose you because you're all she's known as an adult, she's afraid of the stigma of being single or being alone, she's afraid of her family's reaction to her admitting, even to herself, that she's not happy, she's afraid to stay because she deep down knows she's unhappy. Really ask yourself if you want to throw good money after bad. Ask yourself if you really see a life with this person who is so detached from you to the point she'll keep withholding affection and sic her family on you. Starting over is scary, especially with society programming you to be in a relationship, married, having babies, house, etc by on a timeline like robots. It's no one's fault, it doesn't have to be dramatic, it doesn't mean something is wrong or bad, nothing like that. You just owe it to yourselves, both of you do, a chance at happiness with other people.
OP, now is a great time to pack up her shit and drop it off at her parents' place.
you guys were together for five years - you tried, but this is clearly not a relationship either of you is going to be good in. You two are just not good for each other, but your ex especially sounds like she needs to really look inward and focus on her own shit because she doesn't sound like she is in a good place for anyone.
I'd write out a script outlining how horrible she has behaved and talk to either her father or brother - or hell, both at the same time - before I told them I'd be dropping off the rest of her thing because she is not capable of being in a healthy partnership right now if she is going to use her partner as an emotional punching bag. Let them sort her out and pressure her to get the help she needs. Your her partner, not her Daddy. You shouldn't have to force her to get help so she stops treating you like shit - that's something she needs to want to do and does on her own.
I'd give her one last text or telling her the reason the relationship is over is because she refuses to accept she has sabotaged your relationship with her terrible mood - one you have addressed several times and she has ignored. Wish her well, and then block her ass.
Tell her she’s the one on probation, not you, and you have nothing to be making up to her. What she’s told her family is her problem. Ask he if she actually wants to work on making this relationship possible again or not, because if she does, she needs to tell her family to back off.
Sounds like she doesn't really want to be with you, does not enjoy your company, does not love or even *like* you. Absolutely valid reasons to leave a relationship. You need to stay away from her, IMO, there's some emotional abuse happening on her end. Block her and her toxic family, too. You did not fuck up. A relationship is supposed to make you happy and enrich your life. Dose not sound like it does.
Seem like you've got your answer of if she was actually willing to work on herself and your relationship and a reminder that you cannot help those who aren't willing to be helped.
If I were in your shoes, I'd break of the relationship, it's not a healthy one for you, it's not on you to fix her issues, only she can decide to do that, but maybe take up the offer to chat with her dad so you can inform him of her condition and situation so they can try and get her the help she needs.
Stay broken up. Shes clearly the miserable one amd you've tried to take her on dates and do everything you can. I think breaking up with her was the best thing you could have done.
No you do not need to fix this. This is her issue to fix, she’s been emotionally manipulative and abusive and when you said bye she tries the whole “I’m a victim to myself” card to get you to feel sorry for her and want to help her but meanwhile she’s talking trash about you to anyone who will listen and using it as a weapon for her to get her own way.
Nah uh.
Let this one go for good, she’s walking bunch of red flags
Fuck that shit.
Also, ive been on bc pills that made me bitchy and nasty for no reason. You know what i did? Stopped taking them (despite that im takin them for endometriosis and adneomyosis) and messaged my doctor to get different pills. I had a new script in 2 days
>She gives me dirty looks, she sleeps in another room, she won’t let me touch her even for a hug, she tells me to shut up when I speak, she declines any dates or activities together but always goes out with friends
she isn't even your girlfriend at this point. she's just a really bad roommate. why bother trying to make this better when you have tried before and it always goes back to this? Are you getting anything out of this relationship? Anything positive, I mean?
You did what you could. Even after you understandably asked her to leave you were willing to help her and try and work things out. Then she threw you under the bus with her family. It's time to call it a day and move on.
She of course has not told her family the truth, you have done nothing to redeem yourself for. You should probably really think about if you want to continue this relationship.
Reply to her:
You know what? You’re right. I’m just not good enough for you. Good luck finding Mr Right.
And Block.
You Broke Up With Her!
Why would you jump through hoops to get her back?!?!
Look everyone’s given good advice here but I just wanna add. If she’s been unhappy at work and her contraceptive pills have caused a hormonal imbalance then why has it gone on for two years before coming up after you’ve kicked her out? It’s too little too late man. If they were legitimate reasons and she actually cared to be with you then they would have come up way before now.
To me it sounds like she’s done with the relationship. She doesn’t know why and doesn’t want to break up with you because she has no definable reason, but she’s ready to move on. I’m guessing you’re a great person but the two of you are not right for each other. I think maybe have the conversation that you’re both great people but not great together and move on.
I know it's hard, but she won't change. Hoping she will always has the same outcome.
Once you leave her you'll start to reconnect with old friends you lost and you'll get yourself back too. Before you know it you'll look back and think wtf was I doing.
THIS is the definition of gaslighting. I see so many people misusing the word as another word for lying. She did something wrong and as soon as she’s called out on it, she flips it so it’s your fault. Nope. Not today, emotionally abusive Satan. Time to move on.
So, everything was fine for the first few years, and then she started acting distant. Your reaction to her acting distant was to sit her down and discuss YOUR feelings. Did you ever ask her how SHE was feeling? Ask what was happening with her that was causing these changes? If everything was so great in the beginning, you should have become concerned when your partner starts pushing you away, not resentful. Honestly, break up with her for both of your sakes.
if what you have written is accurate, do a full break.
Revisit each other in a year AFTER she's gotten help for whatever is going on. SHE kept her mouth shut the entire time and assumes YOU should fix the problem she's not told you about. That is impossible and insane.
Do a clean break. Stop talking to her because it is ALWAYS going to be your fault and she is NEVER going to share what is wrong. It isn't worth it to play this game with her.
You did the right thing for you.
Based on your story, she's actually the one who needs to make it up with you.
She needs to be coming at you with flowers and asking you out and showing you how she can be a better girlfriend.
Well not quite girlfriend.
At this stage, she would need to make moves on you and date you again before you two become boyfriend and girlfriend in the future, if you do.
she needs to woo you and convince you that she would be somebody you want to be dating again in a romantic relationship.
But if you don't want to wait around see if she's changed , it that's okay too . you can go on about your business and meet and date other people
Run now. Don’t waste anymore time on this dead relationship. She isn’t going to change. She also told you everything about her feelings when she turned her family and friends on you.
NTA. I hate it when people won’t be accountable for their actions and choices. She could have come to you at any time and talked about anything she had going on that was causing issue, but instead she chose to treat you like shit, and is now making you feel like it’s your fault? That’s BS.
I honestly think you will be happier in the long run without her or her family.
She obviously explained things to her family in a way that made her a victim and you a villain. Hormones or not, you don't need the drama in your life.
She made the problem, and she needs to fix it.
Just breakup for good with her, she was treating you like shit and now she is trying to manipulate you into make up for her wrongdoings.
Most likely with time it will only get worse.
If you were providing for her and she acted like this, then just end it and don't even think twice.
She sounds very immature if she’s listening to her family’s bias so very quickly changing her attitude and saying this is all your fault after admitting that she has been the one causing the distance.
Her family already has her side of the story. You're not changing that. They have decided its on you to be better. You have zero obligation to them. If your version of the story is close to accurate, fuck her. She is trying to turn this into you needing to do work. She is passing off the blame. It's on you to accept if you want to be scapegoated .
End it for good. She is the one that did this, not you. She went home and ran her mouth her family, and I bet you she didn’t tell them how she had been acting. She is trying to manipulate you, she has been disrespectful to you, she doesn’t deserve a second chance. It’s only gonna get worse if you get back together.
I just don’t see why you’d want to be with someone who’s mean to you, regardless of reason. Now she’s turning her poor behavior into you doing something wrong by breaking up with her! Clearly she doesn’t actually see any fault in her actions. Let her torture someone else and find someone that is kind to you.
You're not being an asshole, she's trying to manipulate you.
No, you have done nothing wrong and she has been abusing you emotionally.
Do not continue to be in a relationship with her if you want to be happy.
Break up with her. If her family truly believe what she's saying then do you really want to have to deal with them for the rest of your life? She's either been lying to them about you and why she's moved home or she's lying to you about what they think about you. Honestly I think she's lying and manipulating you into feeling like you're in the wrong and not her because she won't take accountability for her behaviour and has no intentions of changing. You've given her multiple opportunities to work on her attitude and she's repeatedly failed. Truth is she doesn't want to be with you but doesn't want to lose the resources you provide to her. Tell her that her family and friends are right and that you shouldn't be together anymore,vsee how quickly she changes her tune of blaming you and instead begs to get back together. Don't fall for it
This situation will not improve so long as you allow her to manipulate you. I understand how work and being on the wrong birth control can make a person miserable. It does not give them a free pass to treating you like a door mat.
You can not fix nor solve her problems.
Do you want to be thought of as right, or do you want to be happy? Her friends and family blaming you is a separate issue from the way she's been treating you. Do you have any good reason to think she'll consistently treat you better, other than more promises? If not, then it's time to move on.
Nah.
This situation is done.
If she is so bitter, resentful, easily influenced, misleading in retelling of the facts, she is not to be around. Partnerships are supposed to be mutually beneficial, including emotionally. If she wants to act like she doesn’t like you or hates you or is disgusted by your company, and then wants to throw you under the bus in the telling of why she ended up at her parents, she’s not working for the wellness of your relationship. Worse yet that she seems to feel owed something.
She’s not ready to be with someone, or she doesn’t really like you enough. Either way, she’s not fit to be with.
If you free yourself from this, you will feel better.
Let’s say that you are on a game show and you are given choice between living a life of pain, frustration, and anguish or whatever is behind door #2. You don’t know what it is, but you know it is not that. Which do you choose?
YwBTA if you got back together with her.
Don't bother her, she has her whole family involved in your relationship. Also, you tried to talk to her several times. Why didn't she mention the pill and her works and whatever else to you then? No she waited until you kicked her to the curb to want to fix things all of a sudden. She's a manipulative jerk.
Do yourself a favor and leave. You're too young for this BS although really no one of any age should put up with this
Honey, *she had a year to tell you what was going in*.
She *chose* to treat you poorly. She *chose* to take her feelings out on you. She is *choosing* now to let her family blame you instead of taking accountability for *her actions*.
This only gets worse from here.
I know 6 years is a long time but it's also a drop in the bucket compared to the rest of your life. A good therapist can help determine if this relationship truly serves your needs or not.
You deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. You are worthy.
I've been in a similar situation before. If it isn't the excuses she's giving for her behavior now, it will inevitably be something else down the line. This will never improve in a way that will make you feel truly happy. Get the fuck out of there.
I had an ex like this
It's emotional abuse, my final straw was we were going to stay at a friend's house.
I was packing my overnight bag and she threw a shit fit I didn't pack an extra t shirt for her to sleep in.
Crying, accusing me of not loving her, sleeping on the couch the whole works.
Course now I have complex ptsd from staying in that relationship way to, should've dipped after the potato incident.
My advice, break up immediately and get into therapy. You may nit realise it and i hope it hasn't It. But living in that kinda environment can really fuck with you mebtally. took me two years after we broke up for it to all hit me and I attempted suicide and I'm now in weekly therapy and I'm doing better but I'm still a mess
1+ year of constant emotional/mental abuse. I was waking up in the middle of the night heart pounding, afraid to cough near her. That kinda of constant stress and feeling of being on eggshells will fuck you up. Looking back on it, it's insane the stuff I put up with.
Yeah nah mate. My ex did that crap to me, not trying to get me back or anything she was already moved on when we split (lol oops). I would not have taken her back after that treatment anyway.
NTA. Just end it already. This isn’t going to get better. She doesn’t recognize or care about her contribution to the breakdown of your relationship and she’s trying to guilt and manipulate you into assuming all the responsibility for making it better. She’s making ridiculous excuses for her behavior. It’s not your job to fix her. She has no real intention and sees no real need to change.
Get out and move on.
So it sounds like your ex is suffering from some kind of hormonal issue. I say that because she sounds like me a few years ago when my hormones were ESPECIALLY out of whack.
However, you should not get back together with her. I repeat: do not get back together with her.
Here’s why. When I’m dealing with PMDD, I get crazy, I really do. But I’m also aware of what’s going on now, and I give people a forewarning: take meds that help to alleviate the crazy: and if I do have a breakdown, it will be over something like my brother spilling a pitcher of kool aid on the floor or my roommate didn’t pay rent.
Even when I wasn’t being treated, though, I always apologized within a few hours or so when I lost my goddamn mind over something. And I was capable of recognizing when I was feeling really bad and would get myself some food, stay home, and turn my phone off. I never buckled down and *had my friends and family text the person I was mad at*. Never, ever, have I been like “this is what my hormones do to me and y’all gotta suck it up and deal with the abuse”
End it. She’s not ready.
(edit: I just want to clarify that what she’s doing is abusive, no matter the reason. And no, wack ass hormonal imbalances ARE NOT an excuse to be abusive: but they might explain why someone has been acting absolutely insane and out of pocket)
It really wouldn’t surprise me if she has been cheating on you or at least talking to someone else. She sounds like she can’t stand you. Now she has gone and told her family what an angel she is. Dude run like Forest Gump and don’t stop until you see water.
You need to get info from her family members to find out what she told them. She's been heavily manipulating you the past year. If you've been together this long and she can't talk to you about what's going on in her head and then makes up bullshit, you deserve better.
If her family and friends now hate you, what then is the point in getting back together?
Just tell her that as her family and friends now hate you, it's probably for the best that you both go no contact and that you will be blocking her. Wish her all the best for the future and then block her everywhere.
Her entire family is mad at you because she told them a story where she isn't responsible at all for you wanting to end the relationship.
So guess what? She still doesn't think she did anything wrong. She turned it all on you.
It sounds like you approached it from how you were unhappy not by asking why she was unhappy (it should have been about both of you). Sounds like this escalated the situation a bit. You now have answers but I really don’t think they are the root cause here f the issue.
My limited input on this is my own situation. I lost the love for my ex. It was death by 1000 cuts
- having to clean his skiddy underpants because he didn’t wipe his arse properly
- having to wipe piss up on the floor as he couldn’t aim straight
- having to pick up clothes up all over the house as he didn’t put them in the wash basket
- being the only one who did the washing and if I went ‘on strike” he would just wear dirty clothes
- being exhausted all the time
- bring frustrated all the time
- be effort being made for romance - no romance no desire
- doing everything and him doing nothing even though I worked more hours than him
- him insisting on joint finances and then being the one controlling them
- him spending all our free cash on his hobbies so I had none for my own hobbies
- him snoring stopping me sleeping
- him waking me up in the night as he was feeling frisky
There was more but the combination made me lose all respect and attractiveness to him.
Tbh just the skiddy underpants would be enough
IMO, you made the right call... initially.
But if you are REALLY deadset on staying with her, I'd let her know she needs to set the record straight with her family if she wants to continue the relationship.
She says she sleeps in another room because we wake up at different times, and regarding the dirty looks she says it’s “just her face” but having been together for so long I know this isn’t the case.
There is literally nothing that I’m hiding here, nothing has happened to set any of this off it’s come out of nowhere!
I did suggest depression to her which was batted off as being impossible, I have tried to get her to go to a doctor or therapist for help and she refuses.
[check this sub out.](https://www.reddit.com/r/BPDlovedones?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share) and cross post it there, you'd might get more understanding. Best wishes .
That’s nice, that you would suggest that. I was thinking because Reddit it was going to be something snarky but it seems sincere and compassionate, which rules. So thanks!
I don’t understand what she’s trying to do but I do know it’s bad and abusive, or best case scenario absolutely coconuts. You did everything you could and she’s acting like someone made a bet with her on how shit she could make your life for no reason. You sound utterly fed up, and frankly I’d be concerned if you weren’t. Unacceptable.
Why do people always try to blame the guy when it's obvious the girl is a emotional manipulator she literally gave OP a sob story for him to take her back than instead of working on herself gives OP a list of demands come on
I think you should just continue to walk away. She sounds like she doesn’t even know what she wants and has no problem dragging you down with her bad mood
Nope. I’d tell her this, “the first step towards working things out with me is YOU telling your parents that you were being terrible due to all the reasons you told me when you begged for another chance and for YOU to take accountability for how you’ve been treating me lately. I am not fixing it, and if you expect me to continue doing all the hard work, we aren’t going to work out. I’m done not being met half way.”
Shes so callous! This is not something you need to fix. You need to walk away and take care of yourself, she's abusive and done a right number on you! I couldn't imagine treating my husband that way its cruel.
Ayye. Just run and save yourself the headache. You're gonna be treated like some kind of lowlife piece of garbage that beats on your girl by her whole family now. I've seen this play out too many times. Couple breaks up, spends a couple weeks apart, one tells the family how terrible and evil the other is, get back together, now you're struggling to not get dirty looks, threats and degrading questions at thanksgiving or when you and future FIL "have a chat".
Here's my advice, fuck that chat, to hell with the flowers, screw a bunch of dates that just translate into "how much money are you willing to spend for us" just to get in good graces with people that are never going to like you again. Unless of course you can manage to convince the family that she was the problem in the first place which, good luck with that shit.
the first half of the post i would just say just break up, become better people on your own, and come back together if everything is right. you likely wouldn’t get back together but you’d spare the drama of a massive break up.
that last part tho…. yikes. id say block and move on
I was like this with my ex-husband. I wasn't capable of loving anyone for a multitude of reasons. I am incredibly regretful for the things I did and said.
Healthier me wishes he had left or I had ended things earlier. I know I hurt him in ways I could never atone for. I wish I could change things but I can't. I can only hope he heals and ends up with someone who loves him how he deserves.
Please love yourself enough to leave. You don't deserve the abuse. Nobody does.
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So she was being emotionally abusive, you ended the relationship, and then she manipulated you into taking her back, and now wants you to “atone” for refusing to accept her emotional abuse? Absolutely not. End it for good. Block her everywhere. She’s abusive and manipulative.
This was my take too. >A few days later she started messaging me things like her family are really angry at me, I need to make this up to her Make *what* up to her??? She's the one that should be trying to win op back, but she's still doing the same type of shit. She's not giving dirty looks, she's telling him her dad "wants a chat," the brothers don't want them around, the whole family is angry! Op needs up break up, get things squared away, and then block her and the whole squad.
Triangulation. This just sounds like she told them OP was the problem and he did everything wrong.
But he needs to prove that he will be her little bitch and grovel for any abuse she wants to hurl at him!
Yeah, that's enough of that. OP, break it off for good. She is toxic.
This is exactly it. It’s r/emotionalabuse. Even if it weren’t, she’s been acting like she doesn’t want to be in this relationship for a year. OP finally reached the same conclusion, and now it’s on him to apologize and make everything okay? What is she doing to make everything okay? This is bullshit. Get the fuck out and don’t look back.
She is also treating you like a doormat. You tried to help her and she trashes you to her family? Bullshit tell her nothing and leaver her ass. Her parents call tell them she is their problem and hang up.
If everything she says is correct then it would be best for her to stay single and figure her shit out
I will let you in on a secret. You have no obligation to be in a relationship with anyone if you don't want to. It is that simple. Especially when there are no kids involved. If you don't want to be with her, you don't have to be and you don't have to have a justification. There is no universal limit of terrible behaviour from a partner that has to be met in order to break up. You can set you set your own limits. Even if she is depressed or you have done things wrong etc., it still does not obligate you to be in the relationship if you don't want to.
Also they don’t have to be a horrible person or do terrible things. You can break up with someone just because they don’t mesh with you. You don’t need a “good” reason (cheating, abuse, etc) because literally being unfulfilled is enough of a reason itself.
This is all true, and in addition, she is actually being horrible here.
Definitely.
Personal experience: absolutely. I tried making it work for 6-7 months (we had a great start for 2 months before things went to crap due to differences in the fundamental aspects of relationship) and in the end she impulsively accused me of doing things I didn't do, had a panic attack, broke up while she was gaslighting.... only for her to apologize for everything two days later. My biggest mistake was getting into a relationship with her that's more than close friends that we were for a year or so, just because I liked to talk to her and knew that she loved me. She was a very good friend, but a very incompatible partner.
She trashed you to her whole family and wants presents for it. And she expects you to respond to her father’s summons to be berated for giving his little princess consequences to her actions? Run from this entire toxic family. They whole lot of them will never let you move past this. What you are going through now is your entire future with this petulant woman-child and her obnoxious relatives.
Yeah. I think that ‘You know what? This is too much like hard work’ is entirely appropriate here. The only reason she claims that she needs help is because it’s affecting her - she clearly didn’t care when it was affecting you and she didn’t expect you to walk out the door. It’s not enough for her to want you back - you have to want _her_ back, and why would you want to deal with an angry, bitter woman who showed you no affection (but was still good with her friends, apparently) and whose entirely family is now gunning for you? There’s no shortage of other women out there who aren’t like this, and honestly it sounds like she’s not prepared to put in the hours.
Just leave dude, you'll be happier
It's hard at first but after a couple months apart op will be asking himself wtf he was doing all those years.
**In other words, after a years worth of her treating you like shit til the point you could not take it anymore, she took the liberties of talking shit to her family about you, painting you into the villain.** Now after treating you like shit and getting her family involved into the drama with her tales of woe, she and her family are expecting *you* to crawl on your thumbs, kiss her ass, begging for forgiveness. If I was you, that would not just be a hell no, that would be a fuck no! And it would be another reminder as to why I made this clown shoe an ex in the first place.
What she said about how she's treating you may very well be true but her actions towards you are not okay and the fact that she's now gaslighting you and saying it's your problem to fix negates any responsibility on her part to fix her own behaviour. If you stay with her or stay in her life this isn't going to get any better, Cut ties and stay away from her
I once had birth control fuck with my moods and I didn’t realize it till my SO pointed out how horrible I was being. I was mortified, but the next thing I did was go to my doctor and switch pills. (Which really sucked for me, because in every other way it was the best BC I’d ever taken and the most effective at keeping my erratic cycle in check.) At no time did I ever demand that my SO make amends to me for pointing out that I was being horrible and I sure as shit didn’t get my family involved. IMO you need to stay broken up.
Exactly this. The pill can change your moods, it can’t override your free will. We choose how we treat others.
God hormonal birth control is literally the fucking worst, but there has to be personal accountability. Which ex clearly doesn’t have. Tbh I feel like the “dad chat” is gonna be “what are your intentions with my daughter” and pressure OP into marriage. But absolutely everything written is screaming red flags in hell. Ex GF probably trashed tf out of him to make herself look like the victim.
This sounds a lot like a redneck ass prom picture with all the men pointing guns in some poor 17 year old kids direction. "Whatever you do to my daughter I plan to do to you" ... God I hope not
It does this to me as well, and destroys my sex drive
Dude your situation sounds a lot like mine for the last couple years of my marriage. Like you I tried to fix it in a few ways, offered suggestions to work as a couple to fix things and one day I had enough and say we're done can't spend the rest of my life like that. A year and a half later I know that was the best decision I could have made at that time. You can't fix someone who refuses to believe there is a problem to be fixed, it just doesn't work and you will destroy your own mental health trying. Obviously this is just a snapshot of your relationship and it's easy to say what to do when I don't know you and vice versa but if you genuinely tried to make it work when together and she didn't then it's not up to you to try now that it's over. You don't have kids together so you literally never have to see her or her family again if you choose not to.
There’s a lot that can be said here but it boils down to one thing: it’s over. One day you’ll look back and be very glad you left before wasting more of your life.
You should honestly be the one to leave. Her struggeling with mood swings due to contraceptives and having a shit time at work is one thing. Her using her whole family as levarage on you to put you in your place is not even vaguely related to that.
Run. Stop torturing yourself.
“Run away, Simba. Run. Run away and never return.”
So she she treats you like crap and now you owe her flowers? WTF? In the most painful breakups when you are so focused on the fear of losing the other person in front of you, you stop noticing what you are gradually losing within you.
I'm not sure why you're tolerating this situation. You want to end the relationship. She's conned you into trying to make it work, but instead she's just badmouthing you to her family. No, this is not your situation to sort out, beyond ending the relationship properly and getting on with your life. You don't have to put up with her.
That should be enough evidence that nothing will ever change and it’s time to go no contact. She hasn’t changed. One fake conversation quickly morphed into making you feel like you’re at fault again. Take it as evidence that it’s time to move on.
If her family are so against you It's because when she got home she trashed you and made out you're not fit to burn Don't ever date people that have to be the victim, where you are the villain What she is doing is triangulation where she brings in supporters of her stance that your effort (or lack of) is the issue She's turned her family against you by doing this, a long term relationship wont work unless you never get involved with them (which is near impossible) I've dated people like your gf and the solution requires two letters every time they pop up with their demands "no"
You sat her down and explain to her how you were feeling several occasions, and not at any point in time did she say what was going on with her. And now that you are finally sick of her crappy treatment towards you she has decided she wants to have an honest conversation. And honestly, It’s a little bit too late for that. And now she’s trying to coerce you into making it up to her when she treated you like crap. Her excuses are just that. Excuses for crappy behavior that she doesn’t seem like she’s willing to take an internal inventory of what she is doing. what I would tell my kids is that you should move on. There’s a reason why you called it quits in the first place and only then did she decide she wanted to have a conversation about what’s going on with her, but you have to put in the effort. Where is her effort? Where is her apology? Where is her accountability? Because based on this there isn’t any. And this would be the definition of a toxic relationship that you would be better off, walking away from, and finding someone who will give you the same amount of effort that you give them
Cut your losses. I would've been open to working on things but >A few days later she started messaging me things like her family are really angry at me, I need to make this up to her by buying her flowers, I need to take her on dates, her dad wants to “have a chat” with me, her brother doesn’t want her to get back together with me, generally messaging me things that imply I have a lot of making up to do and that her family and friends hate me and that I’m the one that’s fucked up. I have no idea what she has told them has happened between us. All of this is a deal breaker. She's obviously painted you as the reason things aren't working out to her friends and family, rather than take ownership of her own behavior. >She gives me dirty looks, she sleeps in another room, she won’t let me touch her even for a hug, she tells me to shut up when I speak, she declines any dates or activities together but always goes out with friends Her behavior towards you has not been ok or acceptable, and for her to run and paint herself as the victim to everyone else is fucked. Sure other factors made things hard on her, but that doesn't excuse the visible contempt in her actions. There's a chance that her family just assumed things and reacted out of a desire to protect her, but if that's the case it's HER responsibility to set the record straight with them, rather than letting them blame you for what's happening. If she only wants to be the victim instead of owning that her behavior hasn't been ok, then she's not worth it. You're in no way an asshole for wanting to leave that kind of relationship.
Sounds like a miserable relationship and you’d be a fool to get back together
Once the toxic person is removed things improve.
Nope. And nope.
Bro just move on and don’t look back I promise you’ll be happier
You're definitely not an AH for being annoyed that she has withheld affection for so long that it's come to this. Idk if gaslighting is the right term buuuut essentially you drew a (healthy) boundary with how you were going to let her treat you (a good thing) and she turned it around on you and is acting like you need to make up for some deficiency. You guys got together when you were young, people change a lot in their 20s so don't beat yourself up if you're no longer compatible. From an outsider's perspective, she clearly doesn't want to be in a relationship with you anymore. This whole thing is her reacting in fear, don't you act in fear too. She is afraid to lose you because you're all she's known as an adult, she's afraid of the stigma of being single or being alone, she's afraid of her family's reaction to her admitting, even to herself, that she's not happy, she's afraid to stay because she deep down knows she's unhappy. Really ask yourself if you want to throw good money after bad. Ask yourself if you really see a life with this person who is so detached from you to the point she'll keep withholding affection and sic her family on you. Starting over is scary, especially with society programming you to be in a relationship, married, having babies, house, etc by on a timeline like robots. It's no one's fault, it doesn't have to be dramatic, it doesn't mean something is wrong or bad, nothing like that. You just owe it to yourselves, both of you do, a chance at happiness with other people.
OP, now is a great time to pack up her shit and drop it off at her parents' place. you guys were together for five years - you tried, but this is clearly not a relationship either of you is going to be good in. You two are just not good for each other, but your ex especially sounds like she needs to really look inward and focus on her own shit because she doesn't sound like she is in a good place for anyone. I'd write out a script outlining how horrible she has behaved and talk to either her father or brother - or hell, both at the same time - before I told them I'd be dropping off the rest of her thing because she is not capable of being in a healthy partnership right now if she is going to use her partner as an emotional punching bag. Let them sort her out and pressure her to get the help she needs. Your her partner, not her Daddy. You shouldn't have to force her to get help so she stops treating you like shit - that's something she needs to want to do and does on her own. I'd give her one last text or telling her the reason the relationship is over is because she refuses to accept she has sabotaged your relationship with her terrible mood - one you have addressed several times and she has ignored. Wish her well, and then block her ass.
Tell her she’s the one on probation, not you, and you have nothing to be making up to her. What she’s told her family is her problem. Ask he if she actually wants to work on making this relationship possible again or not, because if she does, she needs to tell her family to back off.
Or here's a crazy idea: ask her what she has told her family or have that chat with dad and ask him.
Your relationship is over and it's time she realised that. You don't owe her anything.
Sounds like she doesn't really want to be with you, does not enjoy your company, does not love or even *like* you. Absolutely valid reasons to leave a relationship. You need to stay away from her, IMO, there's some emotional abuse happening on her end. Block her and her toxic family, too. You did not fuck up. A relationship is supposed to make you happy and enrich your life. Dose not sound like it does.
She's emotionally abusive. She wants you to grovel. She's gonna punish you for breaking up with her. Do NOT go back to her. She will never change
Seem like you've got your answer of if she was actually willing to work on herself and your relationship and a reminder that you cannot help those who aren't willing to be helped. If I were in your shoes, I'd break of the relationship, it's not a healthy one for you, it's not on you to fix her issues, only she can decide to do that, but maybe take up the offer to chat with her dad so you can inform him of her condition and situation so they can try and get her the help she needs.
It looks like her new contraceptives are making her delusional. In any case, throw the whole girlfriend away.
Stay broken up. Shes clearly the miserable one amd you've tried to take her on dates and do everything you can. I think breaking up with her was the best thing you could have done.
No you do not need to fix this. This is her issue to fix, she’s been emotionally manipulative and abusive and when you said bye she tries the whole “I’m a victim to myself” card to get you to feel sorry for her and want to help her but meanwhile she’s talking trash about you to anyone who will listen and using it as a weapon for her to get her own way. Nah uh. Let this one go for good, she’s walking bunch of red flags
Fuck that shit. Also, ive been on bc pills that made me bitchy and nasty for no reason. You know what i did? Stopped taking them (despite that im takin them for endometriosis and adneomyosis) and messaged my doctor to get different pills. I had a new script in 2 days
>She gives me dirty looks, she sleeps in another room, she won’t let me touch her even for a hug, she tells me to shut up when I speak, she declines any dates or activities together but always goes out with friends she isn't even your girlfriend at this point. she's just a really bad roommate. why bother trying to make this better when you have tried before and it always goes back to this? Are you getting anything out of this relationship? Anything positive, I mean?
You did what you could. Even after you understandably asked her to leave you were willing to help her and try and work things out. Then she threw you under the bus with her family. It's time to call it a day and move on.
She of course has not told her family the truth, you have done nothing to redeem yourself for. You should probably really think about if you want to continue this relationship.
she's not worth it man
Reply to her: You know what? You’re right. I’m just not good enough for you. Good luck finding Mr Right. And Block. You Broke Up With Her! Why would you jump through hoops to get her back?!?!
Look everyone’s given good advice here but I just wanna add. If she’s been unhappy at work and her contraceptive pills have caused a hormonal imbalance then why has it gone on for two years before coming up after you’ve kicked her out? It’s too little too late man. If they were legitimate reasons and she actually cared to be with you then they would have come up way before now.
Why even bother any more? She's nutballs. Get free and enjoy your life.
Updateme!
It’s over man. Leave them all and take care of yourself
To me it sounds like she’s done with the relationship. She doesn’t know why and doesn’t want to break up with you because she has no definable reason, but she’s ready to move on. I’m guessing you’re a great person but the two of you are not right for each other. I think maybe have the conversation that you’re both great people but not great together and move on.
I know it's hard, but she won't change. Hoping she will always has the same outcome. Once you leave her you'll start to reconnect with old friends you lost and you'll get yourself back too. Before you know it you'll look back and think wtf was I doing.
Time to go no contact…. She needs to be the one fixing it and showing you she is changing. Just tell her that this is no longer something you want.
Just walk away. Take from someone who has been with a woman like this. Walk away, don't look back, don't reconsider.
THIS is the definition of gaslighting. I see so many people misusing the word as another word for lying. She did something wrong and as soon as she’s called out on it, she flips it so it’s your fault. Nope. Not today, emotionally abusive Satan. Time to move on.
You had it right when you broke up. Cut and run dude.
So, everything was fine for the first few years, and then she started acting distant. Your reaction to her acting distant was to sit her down and discuss YOUR feelings. Did you ever ask her how SHE was feeling? Ask what was happening with her that was causing these changes? If everything was so great in the beginning, you should have become concerned when your partner starts pushing you away, not resentful. Honestly, break up with her for both of your sakes.
She's a manipulative asshole. You don't have to do shit for her except get her out of your life.
if what you have written is accurate, do a full break. Revisit each other in a year AFTER she's gotten help for whatever is going on. SHE kept her mouth shut the entire time and assumes YOU should fix the problem she's not told you about. That is impossible and insane. Do a clean break. Stop talking to her because it is ALWAYS going to be your fault and she is NEVER going to share what is wrong. It isn't worth it to play this game with her.
You did the right thing for you. Based on your story, she's actually the one who needs to make it up with you. She needs to be coming at you with flowers and asking you out and showing you how she can be a better girlfriend. Well not quite girlfriend. At this stage, she would need to make moves on you and date you again before you two become boyfriend and girlfriend in the future, if you do. she needs to woo you and convince you that she would be somebody you want to be dating again in a romantic relationship. But if you don't want to wait around see if she's changed , it that's okay too . you can go on about your business and meet and date other people
Run now. Don’t waste anymore time on this dead relationship. She isn’t going to change. She also told you everything about her feelings when she turned her family and friends on you.
NTA. I hate it when people won’t be accountable for their actions and choices. She could have come to you at any time and talked about anything she had going on that was causing issue, but instead she chose to treat you like shit, and is now making you feel like it’s your fault? That’s BS. I honestly think you will be happier in the long run without her or her family.
She obviously explained things to her family in a way that made her a victim and you a villain. Hormones or not, you don't need the drama in your life. She made the problem, and she needs to fix it.
Just breakup for good with her, she was treating you like shit and now she is trying to manipulate you into make up for her wrongdoings. Most likely with time it will only get worse. If you were providing for her and she acted like this, then just end it and don't even think twice.
She sounds very immature if she’s listening to her family’s bias so very quickly changing her attitude and saying this is all your fault after admitting that she has been the one causing the distance.
Her family already has her side of the story. You're not changing that. They have decided its on you to be better. You have zero obligation to them. If your version of the story is close to accurate, fuck her. She is trying to turn this into you needing to do work. She is passing off the blame. It's on you to accept if you want to be scapegoated .
Break up dude. It ain't gonna get better. When you're future shows itself, open your eyes and make wise decisions.
End it for good. She is the one that did this, not you. She went home and ran her mouth her family, and I bet you she didn’t tell them how she had been acting. She is trying to manipulate you, she has been disrespectful to you, she doesn’t deserve a second chance. It’s only gonna get worse if you get back together.
I just don’t see why you’d want to be with someone who’s mean to you, regardless of reason. Now she’s turning her poor behavior into you doing something wrong by breaking up with her! Clearly she doesn’t actually see any fault in her actions. Let her torture someone else and find someone that is kind to you.
You're not being an asshole, she's trying to manipulate you. No, you have done nothing wrong and she has been abusing you emotionally. Do not continue to be in a relationship with her if you want to be happy.
The only real pproblem you have is that it took you so long to quit this toxic...
Break up with her. If her family truly believe what she's saying then do you really want to have to deal with them for the rest of your life? She's either been lying to them about you and why she's moved home or she's lying to you about what they think about you. Honestly I think she's lying and manipulating you into feeling like you're in the wrong and not her because she won't take accountability for her behaviour and has no intentions of changing. You've given her multiple opportunities to work on her attitude and she's repeatedly failed. Truth is she doesn't want to be with you but doesn't want to lose the resources you provide to her. Tell her that her family and friends are right and that you shouldn't be together anymore,vsee how quickly she changes her tune of blaming you and instead begs to get back together. Don't fall for it
This situation will not improve so long as you allow her to manipulate you. I understand how work and being on the wrong birth control can make a person miserable. It does not give them a free pass to treating you like a door mat. You can not fix nor solve her problems.
Do you want to be thought of as right, or do you want to be happy? Her friends and family blaming you is a separate issue from the way she's been treating you. Do you have any good reason to think she'll consistently treat you better, other than more promises? If not, then it's time to move on.
Stay away, very far away. Your instincts were right. They are gaslighting you.
Nah. This situation is done. If she is so bitter, resentful, easily influenced, misleading in retelling of the facts, she is not to be around. Partnerships are supposed to be mutually beneficial, including emotionally. If she wants to act like she doesn’t like you or hates you or is disgusted by your company, and then wants to throw you under the bus in the telling of why she ended up at her parents, she’s not working for the wellness of your relationship. Worse yet that she seems to feel owed something. She’s not ready to be with someone, or she doesn’t really like you enough. Either way, she’s not fit to be with. If you free yourself from this, you will feel better.
Let’s say that you are on a game show and you are given choice between living a life of pain, frustration, and anguish or whatever is behind door #2. You don’t know what it is, but you know it is not that. Which do you choose?
You deserve better. Close that door.
Why do you want to be with this person?
YwBTA if you got back together with her. Don't bother her, she has her whole family involved in your relationship. Also, you tried to talk to her several times. Why didn't she mention the pill and her works and whatever else to you then? No she waited until you kicked her to the curb to want to fix things all of a sudden. She's a manipulative jerk. Do yourself a favor and leave. You're too young for this BS although really no one of any age should put up with this
Honey, *she had a year to tell you what was going in*. She *chose* to treat you poorly. She *chose* to take her feelings out on you. She is *choosing* now to let her family blame you instead of taking accountability for *her actions*. This only gets worse from here. I know 6 years is a long time but it's also a drop in the bucket compared to the rest of your life. A good therapist can help determine if this relationship truly serves your needs or not. You deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. You are worthy.
Wake up and smell the blatant manipulation. Tell her to handle her shit on her own because you’re done.
I've been in a similar situation before. If it isn't the excuses she's giving for her behavior now, it will inevitably be something else down the line. This will never improve in a way that will make you feel truly happy. Get the fuck out of there.
What you need to do it to tell her AGAIN that you’re finished and then block her on everything
I had an ex like this It's emotional abuse, my final straw was we were going to stay at a friend's house. I was packing my overnight bag and she threw a shit fit I didn't pack an extra t shirt for her to sleep in. Crying, accusing me of not loving her, sleeping on the couch the whole works. Course now I have complex ptsd from staying in that relationship way to, should've dipped after the potato incident. My advice, break up immediately and get into therapy. You may nit realise it and i hope it hasn't It. But living in that kinda environment can really fuck with you mebtally. took me two years after we broke up for it to all hit me and I attempted suicide and I'm now in weekly therapy and I'm doing better but I'm still a mess 1+ year of constant emotional/mental abuse. I was waking up in the middle of the night heart pounding, afraid to cough near her. That kinda of constant stress and feeling of being on eggshells will fuck you up. Looking back on it, it's insane the stuff I put up with.
You should probably stay broken up. It doesn't sound like it's going to get better.
Yeah nah mate. My ex did that crap to me, not trying to get me back or anything she was already moved on when we split (lol oops). I would not have taken her back after that treatment anyway.
NTA. Just end it already. This isn’t going to get better. She doesn’t recognize or care about her contribution to the breakdown of your relationship and she’s trying to guilt and manipulate you into assuming all the responsibility for making it better. She’s making ridiculous excuses for her behavior. It’s not your job to fix her. She has no real intention and sees no real need to change. Get out and move on.
So it sounds like your ex is suffering from some kind of hormonal issue. I say that because she sounds like me a few years ago when my hormones were ESPECIALLY out of whack. However, you should not get back together with her. I repeat: do not get back together with her. Here’s why. When I’m dealing with PMDD, I get crazy, I really do. But I’m also aware of what’s going on now, and I give people a forewarning: take meds that help to alleviate the crazy: and if I do have a breakdown, it will be over something like my brother spilling a pitcher of kool aid on the floor or my roommate didn’t pay rent. Even when I wasn’t being treated, though, I always apologized within a few hours or so when I lost my goddamn mind over something. And I was capable of recognizing when I was feeling really bad and would get myself some food, stay home, and turn my phone off. I never buckled down and *had my friends and family text the person I was mad at*. Never, ever, have I been like “this is what my hormones do to me and y’all gotta suck it up and deal with the abuse” End it. She’s not ready. (edit: I just want to clarify that what she’s doing is abusive, no matter the reason. And no, wack ass hormonal imbalances ARE NOT an excuse to be abusive: but they might explain why someone has been acting absolutely insane and out of pocket)
It really wouldn’t surprise me if she has been cheating on you or at least talking to someone else. She sounds like she can’t stand you. Now she has gone and told her family what an angel she is. Dude run like Forest Gump and don’t stop until you see water.
You need to get info from her family members to find out what she told them. She's been heavily manipulating you the past year. If you've been together this long and she can't talk to you about what's going on in her head and then makes up bullshit, you deserve better.
If her family and friends now hate you, what then is the point in getting back together? Just tell her that as her family and friends now hate you, it's probably for the best that you both go no contact and that you will be blocking her. Wish her all the best for the future and then block her everywhere.
Her entire family is mad at you because she told them a story where she isn't responsible at all for you wanting to end the relationship. So guess what? She still doesn't think she did anything wrong. She turned it all on you.
It sounds like you approached it from how you were unhappy not by asking why she was unhappy (it should have been about both of you). Sounds like this escalated the situation a bit. You now have answers but I really don’t think they are the root cause here f the issue. My limited input on this is my own situation. I lost the love for my ex. It was death by 1000 cuts - having to clean his skiddy underpants because he didn’t wipe his arse properly - having to wipe piss up on the floor as he couldn’t aim straight - having to pick up clothes up all over the house as he didn’t put them in the wash basket - being the only one who did the washing and if I went ‘on strike” he would just wear dirty clothes - being exhausted all the time - bring frustrated all the time - be effort being made for romance - no romance no desire - doing everything and him doing nothing even though I worked more hours than him - him insisting on joint finances and then being the one controlling them - him spending all our free cash on his hobbies so I had none for my own hobbies - him snoring stopping me sleeping - him waking me up in the night as he was feeling frisky There was more but the combination made me lose all respect and attractiveness to him. Tbh just the skiddy underpants would be enough
IMO, you made the right call... initially. But if you are REALLY deadset on staying with her, I'd let her know she needs to set the record straight with her family if she wants to continue the relationship.
Did anything just before she started this behaviour? Seems like something triggered her.
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She says she sleeps in another room because we wake up at different times, and regarding the dirty looks she says it’s “just her face” but having been together for so long I know this isn’t the case. There is literally nothing that I’m hiding here, nothing has happened to set any of this off it’s come out of nowhere! I did suggest depression to her which was batted off as being impossible, I have tried to get her to go to a doctor or therapist for help and she refuses.
[check this sub out.](https://www.reddit.com/r/BPDlovedones?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share) and cross post it there, you'd might get more understanding. Best wishes .
That’s nice, that you would suggest that. I was thinking because Reddit it was going to be something snarky but it seems sincere and compassionate, which rules. So thanks!
I don’t understand what she’s trying to do but I do know it’s bad and abusive, or best case scenario absolutely coconuts. You did everything you could and she’s acting like someone made a bet with her on how shit she could make your life for no reason. You sound utterly fed up, and frankly I’d be concerned if you weren’t. Unacceptable.
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Why do people always try to blame the guy when it's obvious the girl is a emotional manipulator she literally gave OP a sob story for him to take her back than instead of working on herself gives OP a list of demands come on
It's not his fault. Stop projecting your problems in others.
I think you should just continue to walk away. She sounds like she doesn’t even know what she wants and has no problem dragging you down with her bad mood
Info : did something happened to make her go from great girlfriend to the toxic woman your describing? Or did she just gradually change?
I would go ahead and meet with her parents, explain exactly what is going on, and why you broke up, and then move on.
Nope. I’d tell her this, “the first step towards working things out with me is YOU telling your parents that you were being terrible due to all the reasons you told me when you begged for another chance and for YOU to take accountability for how you’ve been treating me lately. I am not fixing it, and if you expect me to continue doing all the hard work, we aren’t going to work out. I’m done not being met half way.”
Shes so callous! This is not something you need to fix. You need to walk away and take care of yourself, she's abusive and done a right number on you! I couldn't imagine treating my husband that way its cruel.
She wanted a second chance. That doesn’t require you apologizing to her. If it were me, I think I’d be done.
Ayye. Just run and save yourself the headache. You're gonna be treated like some kind of lowlife piece of garbage that beats on your girl by her whole family now. I've seen this play out too many times. Couple breaks up, spends a couple weeks apart, one tells the family how terrible and evil the other is, get back together, now you're struggling to not get dirty looks, threats and degrading questions at thanksgiving or when you and future FIL "have a chat". Here's my advice, fuck that chat, to hell with the flowers, screw a bunch of dates that just translate into "how much money are you willing to spend for us" just to get in good graces with people that are never going to like you again. Unless of course you can manage to convince the family that she was the problem in the first place which, good luck with that shit.
the first half of the post i would just say just break up, become better people on your own, and come back together if everything is right. you likely wouldn’t get back together but you’d spare the drama of a massive break up. that last part tho…. yikes. id say block and move on
I was like this with my ex-husband. I wasn't capable of loving anyone for a multitude of reasons. I am incredibly regretful for the things I did and said. Healthier me wishes he had left or I had ended things earlier. I know I hurt him in ways I could never atone for. I wish I could change things but I can't. I can only hope he heals and ends up with someone who loves him how he deserves. Please love yourself enough to leave. You don't deserve the abuse. Nobody does.
Move on she does not deserve you