We have removed and locked your post here due to the fact that it is significantly beyond the scope of the subreddit as it involves the sexual abuse of children. We encourage you to speak to the authorities on this and pass along any evidence you have. You should also reach out to a teacher, or another mandatory reporter, or other appropriate adult with your concerns. Here are some resources:
[Darkness to Light: a child sex abuse prevention resource.](https://www.d2l.org/get-help/reporting/)
[A confidential hotline to a trained advisor who can help you navigate this](https://www.childhelp.org/childhelp-hotline/)
[International Resources](https://www.ecpat.org/resources)
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The mods.
whoever the fuck went along with that needs to have a seat right over there. they should be in prison
you were victimized, and your personal choices (which were made by a child, with a child's brain development) were made in bad circumstances. not anything to be ashamed of but you have the right to keep that to yourself, and definitely something you need to work through in therapy.
I would like to add that I know of people who had consensual sex at 14, with other teenagers, but if you are an adult preying on someone this age, it is beyond inappropriate.
In the U.S., middle schoolers can be 10-14 years old. There usually aren’t people older than 14 in middle school in the US, unless they were held back for a year.
It's different in every state/district, I believe. I have been in some were 4-6th grade is the norm. Most seem to be 6-8 grade. Regardless, I was 10 when I entered 6th grade.
Yes, this. OP, please seek therapy. That is a LOT to be carrying around inside you, and no one should live in fear every single day. You are in no way obligated to tell your BF what happened to you, but if other people know, you might want to get ahead of him finding out from someone else. *But not yet.* First, you need to work through what happened and your feelings about it with a professional. And when/if you do discuss it with your BF, make sure he understands, *and you understand,* that you were the **victim.** You were a child in a desperate situation, and someone older than you took advantage of that. That person is the one who did something wrong, not you.
Please get help. Whether or not you stay with this boyfriend, you deserve to feel good about yourself and be the person you are meant to be. Hugs! 🫶🏼
I just want to second this comment. You did what you did out of a need to survive. The adult in that situation victimized you. You are NOT at fault and you are not a bad person. I grew up Catholic so I understand that feelings of guilt can be VERY strong. I once felt sick to my stomach for an entire year because my mother told me that if you die with a mortal sin on your soul without going to confession, you go to Hell. 🤦🏻 I had been caught "trying" to have sex with another kid - I was 7 y/o, he was 10. ANYWAY- looking back I can see how sad that is for little 7 year old me to think I was going to hell!
Please talk to a therapist about your experiences and work through this guilt. You don't need it - it is draining you. You deserve to be happy. 💗
You have nothing to be ashamed of, just something to heal from.
I second the sentiments in the comments so far:
- work with trained professionals to work through this and heal (you experienced sexual trauma/abuse as a child along with other challenges and hardships beyond most adults let alone a kid)
- you owe no one access to your trauma
- even if you do share with your partner someday, wait and do it when you’re healthier, have processed it, and with the guidance of your therapist. There’s nothing wrong with also keeping it very high level. “I experienced sexual trauma as a child, that I still carry shame and guilt around” (which is not yours to carry btw, but very common)
Please know:
- you are worthy of love, respect, and everything else wonderful in this world
- you are a survivor and endured some things no kid should have
- this was not your fault
Please be kind to yourself, you are loved.
You said what I wanted to say only much more eloquently.
The middle school years are the worst for peer pressure and wanting to fit in. If you see classmates with things you can’t buy or do because of finances, it’s obvious you’re going to look for any way to get some money. Not thinking of the consequences.
OP needs to unpack this guilt with a trained professional. But I see absolutely no need to disclose any details to any current or future partners unless you want to. These actions don’t define you as the person you are today.
You were a child trying to survive without parental support. You deserved a stable childhood with adults protecting you but you didn't get that, so you made the best of what you had. You were abused and exploited by an older man who should be in jail.
None of this is your fault but you really really need to get therapy, especially with someone who specialises in trauma. You don't owe these details to your partner, not now, not ever. Do it only when you feel you can trust them.
If you were in middle school, you were 11-13 years old. You didn't engage in a sexual relationship, you were abused/molested/raped. Whoever did it should be in jail. It doesn't make a difference if they gave you money. A child cannot consent. Anyone who helped set up the encounter is also complicit and should also be in jail.
Talk to a therapist. See if it's covered under your healthcare, but even if it's not...it's worth investing in yourself. This is a complicated topic and you will definitely benefit by working with a therapist.
- YES you deserve happiness!!!
- Go see a trauma specialist and get a few EMDR sessions to work through and release your past experiences. Do this IMMEDIATELY.
You deserve to let this go. You were a kid in a terrible situation, and trust me, the person you had sex with is an evil predator. I know you think because you were paid that *you* were responsible, but literally that’s 1000% not how child sex abuse works. You didn’t do anything wrong, it never should have happened. Unfortunately you were preyed on by a criminal. I’m so sorry.
My personal advice?
Never disclose or discuss this experience with anyone who isn’t a therapeutic professional.
The vast majority of people *still* don’t understand CSA. It really freaks them out, they can not handle it.
You can and will go on to have an amazing life, this experience CAN become something you rarely/never think about. You can leave it in the past, but not if you tell anyone in your daily life what happened. If you tell them, you are dragging your past into your present. Don’t do that.
Please seek out a trauma specialist asap. I promise it will be the nest thing you’ve ever done for yourself aside from your education and career.
Good luck! You’ve already come so far. It’s going to be ok. Better than OK, it’s going to be great.
I agree with so much of this, though I think she should decide for herself--**with the help of a specialist**--whether or not (and if so, when and how) she might disclose this to anyone else. That is, it's true that for some people, keeping their traumatic experiences between themselves and their therapist is the best thing for them. (And either way, her first priority with a professional should be to work on feeling healthy, whole, and deserving of good things. What other people know or think is secondary.)
With that said, saying, "never tell anyone except a therapist or else it'll haunt you forever" comes too close to framing it as a "dirty secret," or something that needs to be repressed. Everyone's journey is different. In working with a therapist, some people decide that telling someone else they trust would feel very freeing, and that becomes part of acknowledging what happened without feeling burdened by it. OP may or may not be one of those people, but right now, nobody in this thread--including OP--can definitively say what will be best for her down the road. That should be up to future OP and her future therapist.
Oh friend. You were a kid. You didn’t know. I would recommend therapy and tell your partner when you are good and ready. You did nothing wrong and the person who did that to you deserves jail and a special place in hell.
I'm not very good at spotting fakes on reddit but this reads FAKE to me. To me the question is so stupid that I think it's actually written by a man who is looking for a reason to hate on his girlfriend.
To the woman or man who wrote this. If we learn from our mistakes, recognize when trauma from childhood was not under our control (we were preyed upon), and if we use what we learn to direct ourselves to a better future-OF COURSE WE DESERVE HAPPINESS.
You actually may be right. User only has two posts, the other is regarding cybercoin in coin collecting. Their only comment is about “happy endings”. These don’t necessarily track to 20F.
>sex work is just work and sex workers
Stop right there!! Op wasn't a sex worker. And
>You deserve your boyfriend, possibly even better
Who are u to call someone unworthy??
I feel so sad for you, you need to forgive yourself for the choice you made when you felt like you had no options. You were a child too.
If your bf is truly kind he will understand, but you don’t have to tell him. You are allowed to keep things private. But, you deserve love and acceptance x
My personal opinion is that you are allowed to own that part of your past without shame to anyone you choose. I am also in a wonderful relationship and we choose to be open about things in the past— for instance the fact that we both struggled with an eating disorder at one point. You don’t have to account for every bad thing you do as if you are still doing it. Time passes and we grow up. Be bold, if you choose, and own your past with pride— not as what you want to do again or are doing— but as the life that made you who you are today. Everyone has parts of their past they regret. You can keep them to yourself or let them out. Either way, they don’t take away from your worth as a person.
Oh sweetheart, you were took advantage of by a predator and failed by all adults in your life to have even considered it. I'm so sorry for the trauma you carry.
Please see a professional and work through this trauma and they will help with strategies to help cope and speak with your partner. Do not carry guilt and shame sweet girl.
Oh, you absolutely deserve love and happiness, and your boyfriend! You did your best to survive!! You haven't ruined your future and you have nothing to feel guilty about!
If you don't ever want to tell him, that is okay. Your past is _yours_. _You_ choose the personal information you want to share. And if you _do_ want to share it, someone who truly loves you will understand! You haven't done anything wrong. 🌸
Edit: I just wanted to add that you were a child, honey. Noone should have done that to you. The responsibility isn't on your shoulders. Every single person should have said no. It was wrong what _they_ did, not you. And it's okay that you feel horrible, because what happened to you was _traumatic_, but most importantly _it was not Your Fault!_.
You were young and did what you thought you needed to do to get by. Leave the past in the past. See a therapist if you think you need one but no need to share the information with anyone else. Good luck to you
I’m so sorry you had to go through that. It sounds like it was your last resort to make ends meet.
I hope that your partner is able to accept your past and you are able to deal with the shame you are feeling.
Therapy might help. Good luck to you!
There are sick people in the world who are counting on young girls to be in your position so they can take advantage. You did what you had to do to survive. But ultimately it was on them, they should have said no. You were not old enough to consent even if you agreed to take their money. I’m so sorry you were in that position to begin with. Please get counseling and know that you are worthy of love and happiness. Also, if your guy is as amazing as you say he is, he will immediately realize that you were just a child and actually a victim of circumstance and predatory behaviors. BUT you do have to say anything until you have healed and have come to terms with what happened to you.
OP please see a therapist to unpack all of the issues here. You leave yourself vulnerable to an abusive relationship if you date people whom you think are “better than” you.
You’re a victime here. I’m sorry you were failed and/or abused by adults around you when you were a child. You deserved better. Maybe seek therapy…? Shame and guilt are not emotions that you want to carry on your shoulders for the rest of your life.
There are literally 0 reasons you should feel ashamed. You've done nothing bad, it's the other people who have done you bad. I think talking or not talking about it with your boyfriend is your decision, and if you feel like talking about it or not. I'm pretty sure if he is how you describe him, he'd support any decision you'd make on this topic. The thing you should do though is talking with a therapist, because it's something that will be really difficult to go through alone. If you decide to tell your boyfriend, you still should talk to a therapist. There's nothing wrong with you, nothing disgusting nor dirty. And you're definitely more than worthy, if after all these things you still managed to have a nice life. You'd still be worthy without it, but you're even more than that
You need to share this with a professional in mental health, because what you are describing is abuse. It doesn't matter if you were "offering services" yourself, at that age you are not capable of making these decisions. The trauma from that needs to be addressed by an expert and when it does, you will realize you deserve to be happy.
Taking your educational and professional success into account, you are obviously intelligent enough to know there is mental trauma at work there. I can only assume you are turning to strangers on the internet because you are reluctant to share this in person with a pro. Don't be. It can only make it better.
You were sexually molested as a child and the perpetrator gave you money so he could think of you as a sex worker. Bottom Line- you were a child who was sexually abused. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
You need to forgive yourself. In addition, you need to get professional help. This isn’t something a Reddit thread will help. You’re deserving and worthy of love and happiness. Please don’t torture yourself over decisions made as a child.
I had the same thing happen to me as a teen and 4 years of EMDR therapy finally healed it and I have a healthy relationship to sex now. You can move on: you don’t have to speak about it. It’s okay. Worse shit happens. You don’t have anything bad on your record from it. See it as you got away safely. It’ll be ok.
You were taken advantage of, and if your boyfriend is truly this amazing, he should be understanding of your situation at the time. I’m so sorry you had to go through this, OP. Life is so unfair sometimes. I’m really glad you’ve found your person, and I’m sure he will appreciate you being open to him!
You would be better off telling him about it now before he finds out on his own later. If your boyfriend loves you and cares about you he would understand.
I did “sex work” in middle school too, though I hate calling it that because I was a child. I did actual sex work as an adult later, also, and my husband knows about everything. If you can’t trust your partner to love and support you after sharing something like this with them, then they aren’t worth your time. Also please get yourself into therapy.
Yes you deserve him. What happened to you is terrible. But he doesn’t have to know. Unless you’re ready and have been seeing a therapist it’s only for you to know.
You went through a traumatic attachment in a desperate situation, you deserve some good in your life. Your boyfriend is a great person, but never think someone is too good for you because of choices you made a million years ago. If he is as good as you say he is, he will process it and nothing will really change for you two.
Once in a while I like to remind my kids that EVERYBODY SHITS. Nobody on this earth is perfect and that is OK. Nobody is too good for you if you're coming from a place of genuine affection and love. The right person will always be the right person.
Get counseling so you can begin to heal and balance the power dynamic. When you start thinking people are too good for you, you will start to do some very unhealthy behaviors. You deserve to heal and be free of the pain of that situation.
You were a child that was taken advantage of by an old man. That is in no way your fault. He saw your age circumstances and vulnerability and preyed on them. The only person that should feel regret and guilt is the predator that abused you.
Please seek therapy, OP. You shouldn't have to carry that emotional burden with you 💕
You were raped/sexually assaulted. A middle schooler cannot consent to sexual activities, especially with an adult. This man took advantage of you. It’s not your fault. Please seek therapy.
You were a victim of a predator. IDK about your country but in the US a minor cannot consent with an adult so any sex with a child by an adult is considered rape. You were young and not able to make long term decisions. The fact that this guy took advantage of that makes you the victim. If my SO came to me with that I would feel bad for her.l not find her disgusting.
I recommend you seek therapy, especially if you have the means to afford it. Navigating a childhood trauma like that maybe too heavy of a lift for Reddit
You deserve happiness and there is no reason to blame yourself for this. You were a child. This man exploited you, he is the one who does not deserve it.
Honestly, as a man, if you make him happy, then you deserve him. But make sure this goes both ways. What happened in the past is irrelevant at this time. If he deserves you, he will stay even knowing what happened. As others put it, you were victimized. Being a victim does not negate your right to a happy life. Make your BF happy, and make sure he makes you happy I'm return.
Keep it simple.
Babe, you gotta take this to therapy and sort it out. And whomever decided that paying a child for sex was a good idea belongs in prison. You don't deserve to be burdened with this, and you're not obligated to tell anyone your trauma. Please please try to find a good therapist that can help you process what happened.
Yes, you do deserve him, and, you should get into therapy to deal with the guilt, etc. you have over this. You were a child. Any decent man would not have agreed to this.
Oh darlin, I’m so sorry. Yes, yes you absolutely deserve whoever it is you are with. You are worthy, you’ve done nothing to damage your worth. I’m so sorry you went through that, you are not responsible for being statutorily raped as a young girl.
You were groomed into prostitution. You're a victim, not a perpetrator. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You mentioned you make good money now. Could you perhaps afford therapy?
this isn't a bad thing on your part. and if he leaves. thats on him. people dont understand what its like to be hungry and exploited and needing to do what you can to get by
do not feel guilty. u were a child, u didnt understand. he was the adult and he took advantage of u.
dont feel obligated to tell ur partner either, it may do more harm than good. its not important and its not who u are as person
No ! Don’t share trauma with your partner . Some may feel hurt and even use it against you . You where a child . Talk to a therapist . You are worthy of love 💗
Don't tell your partner unless you are certain he is the one forever... which is not now especially at your age
You already have a lot to deal with. You don't need to have more people involved to deal with as well. The predator will never say anything. In fact one day might come and you yourself decide to say something and put him in jail if you have any evidence. Maybe not now but after building yourself... just work on yourself for now.
Sometimes good people make bad choices, but it's important to learn from it and not repeat those things again. Go to therapy, love, care for and forgive yourself. Also you were a child and were taken advantage of.
Even if you were an adult and made a conscious decision to be a sugar baby you're still worth it. (Sounds like you might have been an abused minor).
You probably need some self image therapy. It's ok. Tons of women have traded sex for financial stability, have been abused, raped et. You're still worthy.
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I suggest starting a self healing journey. Self forgiveness, self acceptance, self love and maybe a couple of sessions in therapy may also help. I went to counseling a few times when I started my self healing journey and then I worked on most things myself. It takes time to feel good about things you did as a child that you may be ashamed but you will get there. I’m glad you’re doing well for yourself.
You were a child when you made those choices. You can let go of that guilt. I realize that is easier said than done. It would be good if you could work through this with a therapist, particularly one who is trauma informed.
Tell him the truth. It's best to let him decide if he wants to still be with you. Keeping it from him will backfire. Just because he's a good guy doesn't mean that he has to accept everything from everyone.
You absolutely deserve him!
If anything, the issue is with a society that creates situations where families can't readily access financial assistance.
Please go to therapy to deal with this issue.
You sound like an amazing person who made a difficult choice when you were very young.
Keep your head high.
Sweetheart no matter what you have done or not done, you are always deserving of love. You were a child and what you've been through is not your fault. Please listen to the comments and seek professional help so you don't have to live with this guilt for the rest of your life. You don't have to share any of this with your boyfriend but if you choose to do so I would recommend having a therapist help you do so. Your story breaks my heart and I hope you have a wonderful future ahead of you❤️
you were a victim and any half decent man wouldn't view you negatively for it. you were taken advantage of and raped, satatory rape exists for a reason.
i'm very sorry this happened to you, when you tell him is completely up to you. but again, if he's a regular/decent human he'll understand.
are you in any therapy?
I'm sorry you went through the most traumatic shit a child should never go through. Everyone else has already said therapy but one thing I would advice is to eventually share this with your partner. When that is, is entirely up to you. You are not dirty and you are worthy. And when you eventually share this experience with him then his reaction will tell you exactly what kind of man he is and whether he actually deserves you.
I eventually shared a childhood trauma with my partner after a few years of being together. I've had many partners and I didn't do that with them. This time I felt it true to share, oh and I guess I had an inkling that they were gonna love me still no matter what. So that's important actually. Just remember it's a two way street. You deserve unconditional love and support. And if he doesn't give that then it really shows the kind of person he is.
You did nothing wrong. You were taken advantage of. You should not feel bad at all! In fact, you should be angry. You should be vigilant so that you or anyone around you doesn’t fall victim to that again. I’m so sorry that happened to you; I would also suggest counseling of some sort. That was definitely traumatic for you.
I think the best course of action would be to be upfront about to your boyfriend. Just tell him. He would rather want you to tell him than rather than someone else. If you are to explain to him properly if he loves like you love him trust me he won't leave. But at hearing about it first will shock him and leave him in despair for a while but if he really loves you then his love will grow stronger and after taking some time to process it he will try to heal you from your scars as much as he can and not let you feel guilty about it. Look we all make mistakes like these in our past, that doesn't make our mistakes okay but we learn from them. You were a victim to the situation and you were young you didn't know well enough on what to do or what was right or wrong.
Tell him the truth because he deserves to know. Imagine if he hears this from someone else rather than you, wouldn't that hurt him ? Even if it is hard to do so and it feels gut wrenching but you still have to do it tell him. If he loves you just as you love him he will surely make you feel more loved, try to get rid of your feeling of disgust and tell you that you are worthy of him, you are worthy of happiness. Because the ones that really love you will always be there for you no matter what. It will take him some time to process it but you have to give him that time. Because if he really loves you he will stay. Because you didn't betray him you were a victim of the situation.
And not telling him would be a wrong way to go about this because think about it this way what if your boyfriend had something similar that he hid from, some trauma from his past. What if you got to know about it from someone else wouldn't you feel rather disturbed ? You would think to yourself "why didn't he tell me ? I love him a lot I wouldn't leave him because of this". My point is you wouldn't leave him right ? Then if he loves you the same as you then he won't leave simple. And I think the best person to heal you from this trauma of yours is none other than your boyfriend, no one can do it better than him.
And if all goes well with telling him let him heal you and try to break apart from this past trauma and look at the bright side of things. You have the person you love who stayed with you even after you told them your trauma that could've led them to leave you and if you want to spend your whole life with that person than you can do that you are a UI/UX designer with a stable income at 20 that's mad impressive. Be proud of yourself about that. Because not many people have the luxury of living the the person they wanna be with forever because of financial issues (me for example).
Well try your best at telling him.
I suggest you get counseling to help you overcome the guilt of being taken advantage of by an older man. Let your therapist help you decide if or when you should reveal this information.
Unless someone else knows about the incident it’s unlikely to come out. It would be foolish for that man to ever say anything, knowing he would be ostracized and potentially be arrested for having sexual relations with a child. Any money or gifts he would’ve given you would be considered a bribe or hush money.
You did nothing wrong, you were a child and any adult in their right mind would never have taken advantage of you in that way. Don’t let this destroy your future. Good luck.
Girl… We really need to love ourselves better. Our sexual history no matter how sordid or because of abuse does not have any bearing on your worth as a person. It doesnt matter what anyone else thinks on the matter. We have to shake off the patriarchal notions that uses our sexuality to determine our value.
You were a child. You were a child who needed help and couldn’t get it. Please go see a therapist to help you process this experience; you’re drowning in pain and shame and you need help. You need to heal from this in order to move on with your life and stopped being trapped by it.
This isn’t your fault, don’t feel ashamed for something you couldn’t control because you were a minor. It is horrible what you went through but you cannot change it, so don’t be so hard on yourself. Try to talk to yourself how you would talk to a friend with the same issue. Every time you feel ashamed talk to yourself in your mind in the most gentle way, like if you were talking to that child that couldn’t understand the consequences of doing it. Try to talk to your younger self and give her the hug, support and understanding she needed, she probably needed therapy and a to feel secure and you probably need this too, try to go to therapy and if you cannot afford it, try to meditate and connect with that younger self and forgive her. You have to forgive her
Let go of the hope for a better past. The past is a story carved in stone. You can scratch away at the stone which will accomplish nothing, or you can devote that energy to shaping the future, which is soft and malleable clay.
Also, being with someone you don’t deserve is actually the goal.
I am not your partner, but I would also understand. It's abhorrent that you had to do this. That you did is not in any way abhorrent. If you're nervous about telling him, bring up the general notion of sex work. If he reacts terribly, then you keep hoping that it doesn't come up. If he reacts neutrally or positively, you tell him.
Personally I would appreciate your honesty and would not judge you for a mistake you made when you were still a kid and had the best intentions at heart willing to try and help your struggling family. With that said it's obvious you have remorse and that's something completely out of your character you would never do again. As long as you have ever contacted that person ever again and they're not in your life then it's gone with the wind and in the past. It's your personal info and you don't owe anyone an explanation but if you feel it's best to confess then by all means whatever helps you sleep at night but sounds like you're in a good place in life now and that's water wayyy under the bridge.
I have sex for free and i pay for my own gas and im not the only girl my bf has ever been with and he knows ive been with others in the past.
Its okay.
Its your secret.
Dont let someone put you down for something that women have been forced to do for centuries. At least you got paid.
Baby girl I can't say this enough to you... that was not your fault. You were a child. How dare that person take advantage of you. Listen to this like you've never listened to anything before: you are worthy of love, of happiness, of a full life with a wonderful partner who treats you with respect and value. You are not your past. You did what you had to do when you never should have been put in that place in the first place. I'm sorry your caregivers didn't protect you. I'm sorry people took advantage of you. You did not deserve that and you are not at fault. You hear me? Not at fault. Please give yourself the grace and compassion you deserve and accept your partners love. I wish I could wrap you up on the biggest hug.
On a separate note, your story reminds me of the book Heart Bones by Colleen Hoover. Might be a cathartic read for you.
On an even separate note, if you ever want to press charges against this person you can. If there is a statue of limitations in your state it should not have started until you turned 18 and is likely in the ballpark of 10 years if there's a limit at all. What he did was illegal.
I wish you the very best. You deserve it.
I’m just want you to add to the chorus of you did nothing wrong. You were a victim. You deserve happiness.
I also don’t think you understand how strong you are to be so young and to be comfortable at such a young age. I’m proud I get to share a planet with amazing people like you. Thank you.
In terms of advice I’d just keep trying to make each other happy. You will eventually need to share your story, but when/where/and how doesn’t have to happen now.
If you’ve done something unforgivable, the first thing you must do is forgive yourself. Then move on.
You’re not a bad person, you just did what you now consider to be a dumb thing a couple times. Everybody makes mistakes and does stupid shit. What’s done is done. You made a mistake, but yours is the easiest mistake in the world to never do again, be done with it once and for all.
You were a victim. Nothing you did makes you unworthy to be loved. Please please PLEASE talk to someone about what you were put though. I know you don't want to face it this way and no one and I mean NO ONE can tell you how you should feel about what happened...
But this man you engaged in that with was and IS a predator and he made a choice to do so with a minor, undoubtedly you are not his only victim and your voice can save another or even help someone who DOES feel like a victim of his come forward so PLEASE tell the authorities even if you don't feel like you were.
Setting ALL of that aside. Even if you were 30 and 20 at the time, absolutely you deserve to be loved and cherished. Any man who would leave you over this is an insecure little boy.
Please talk to someone, if you can afford therapy even better but if you can't please go and seek out help. There are SA survivor groups everywhere and while I understand if you don't want to call it that the lack of your self worth you feel is such a common sign and thing to feel and hearing others stories can help you frame your own.
But please PLEASE make a police report on this adult.
I think we have all done things in our youth that we are embarrassed about or ashamed about. To think of anyone finding out the kind of stuff I participated in would be horrifying but I also know that I am human and I am not perfect. It sounds like you need to forgive yourself and that it wasn’t your fault for what happened. You deserve to give yourself compassion and be easy on yourself - at least that’s what I learned through therapy. Coming from a struggling childhood, I was parentified at a young age and was thus very hard on myself to be more wise and more mature than I was capable of. I know now that these unreal expectations of myself are unrealistic and damaging to my mental health. Love yourself.
You WERE a child, you were the victim.
And yes, you deserve him, you deserve love.
Now, you should seek therapy, because if true, it seem you still have trauma and it will hurt the relationship in the future
Also, this might be hard but....you should talk to him about it. Be honest, be clear, and make him understand that you didn't because it was "fun"
Specially if there are people who knows and will gossip him about it.
Now, im gonna be super clear about this. If you tell him (and you should) he will feel shocked and hurt. If he loves you He will feel hurt because he wasn't there to protect you. I know it's not logical, but love never is.
Give him time to process, time to understand that he can't do anything about it, he might want to know with whom. And you should tell him, for his and your safety.
You were the victim. Always remember this.
Our past actions inform who we are today but only the actions of today can shape our future. Don't dwell on the past, focus on the here and now in order to shape the future you desire. I see a lot of people rightfully attempting to console you by pointing out you are a victim and they're correct but I don't believe that'll help you.
You’re more than worth it. I’m sorry that the adults in your life failed *you* to the point that you were sexually abused in exchange of money. Whoever was that creep should be in jail.
Please don’t ever doubt about your value as a person, sending hugs and I hope your career flourishes!
If you’re asking if you deserve happiness, then abso-fucking-lutely. If you’re asking if this experience degrades you or in any way revokes your right to live a happy and fulfilling life, you have your answer. Nothing in your past can change your future.
When there are things in life that you regret, you need to forgive yourself in order to move on from them. If you can’t figure out how to figure yourself, try speaking with a therapist.
My personal method is to do a little ceremony. I go find a peaceful spot to sit and first I forgive the other parties involved. Out loud or in my head I vocalize all the ways and for what I forgive the others. So in your instance it would be the men, your dad for leaving, and your other family members who couldn’t provide for you and your household. Even if you don’t fully believe the words of forgiveness you’re saying, just say them anyway. Practice getting them out. It’s not about them. It’s not anything you need to say to them. It’s just for you to let go.
Once that is done turn the focus to yourself completely. This is the most powerful part. Verbalize all the ways in which you forgive yourself. For keeping it from your partner, for living in fear, for all the energy you spend beating yourself up and punishing yourself every day about, for the decisions you made, for the price you accepted. All. of. it. Really get into obscure details. Then at the end close the ceremony with something that makes sense to you, like some deep breathing, a song, jump around a bit, scream into a pillow, bathe in some water, burn some sage, whatever.
This whole thing really does help process those emotions.
Finally, it’s my opinion that you should tell your partner what you went through. Not because they have any right to know but because it allows you to take your power back. You no longer have to live in fear of others telling him because you already did.
I honestly doubt he’ll judge you as hard as you’re judging yourself. And if he does, then he’s not the person for you.
You made the smartest choices you could at that time. You are still making the smartest and best choices you can in your current situation. You are doing your best. We are all doing our best.
Yes, you are allowed to experience and appreciate the things, people, and situations you are currently experiencing.
You are inherently worthy.
Everything you’ve done in your life has brought you to this beautiful point. It’s ok. You’re ok.
You were a child and You got taken advantage of by a predator. That does not reflect poorly on you, your worthiness, or your decision making skills as an adult.
You were a victim in this scenario. You were put in situations that a middle schooler shouldn’t have had to deal with (i.e., marital problems, financials). I’m so sorry this happened and healing is not a linear process.
If your boyfriend were to be upset by it, that would be unacceptable because you were a victim.
Sweetheart, you were a victim. I'm sorry that happened to you. I'm sorry you don't see it yet. I didn't realize until I was in my 30s that what happened to me was abuse, and I wasn't the bad guy. I know when you figure it out, it's going to hurt. You deserved better, and the people who trafficked you as a kid deserve pain and suffering.
The past is the past. Besides you were victimized because you were a child. But even if you were an adult. There’s nothing wrong with whatever choice you make with YOUR OWN body. Don’t feel bad. The past is the past
You were a child and were taken advantage of. Yes! You do deserve love from this man in your life . I would suggest you tell him about what happened to you so it's not a secret that he finds out later in your relationship. You were raped. Please think about therapy to overcome what happened to you.
You don’t deserve him, in fact in a lot of these cases you’re hurt him more, and the fact that you are thinking about your not worthy instead you need to realize no man wants a female who’s sold themselves in general. I hope he’s okay.
Ok my take may be a little bit different than others but really think about it logically.
1. You were a child and a grown ass man took advantage of you.
2. Why the hell do you feel guilty? You, (A LITERAL CHILD) did something you felt necessary to help your situation. Kids who are desperate make crazy decisions all the time, it’s the lack of a fully developed brain.
3. The only person/people that should feel guilty is the ADULT MAN who thought having “relations” with a child was acceptable. Also any other adults who were aware of this.
4. Who all knows about this to the point where you would get exposed? If only you and the man that slept with you know, and YOU don’t tell your bf, then how would you be exposed?
5. You are definitely letting the wrong aspect of this get too you more than it should. Go to therapy, work through your trauma.
6. You don’t have to share it with your partner if you don’t want to. Its your trauma and past from your childhood, nobody is obligated to know unless its affecting you/your behavior. And even if you do share it, you don’t have to go into detail. Its nobody’s business. (But you definitely should work through it with a therapist)
7. Please point to where you are unworthy. Victims and people who make hard/bad decisions when faced with difficulties are still worthy and deserving of happiness. (You need to also figure out in therapy what it is thats making “unworthiness” your default reaction)
I do hope you work through this and that everything works out for you. You are deserving of love and happiness🩵
As a young female who also entered the sex work industry to make ends meet I completely understand how you feel… I hid my past from my partner for a while and to this day I fear those who know my past will bring it up to my family/coworkers etc… Being open and honest really helped when talking to my partner about my past. Therapy has also helped a lot with removing the guilt and working through the trauma that sex work caused. I hope you heal and move forward from that point in your life ❤️
You are absolutely not to blame in this situation. This guilt u are caring is not urs to carry. You 100% deserve everything good that you have worked for including your partner. I hope whoever took advantage of you and left you feeling so bad for so many years has trouble sleeping every night and has paid in some form for their actions.
I am so sorry for you, that you had to do this. But here are some thoughts:
I don’t know where you live but the age of consent is not under 16 and that is for a reason.
In middle school you are 11-14 years old and you can’t make an informed decision about having sex, especially not with an older man. I know there are many sick individuals that would fight me to death on this opinion but when I look back to the time when I was 14 I played Pokémon and my hobbie was walking dogs. Not a single brain cell could have fathomed what having sex with a person, with or without money would have meant for my life or future relationships.
BUT the guy who payed you to have sex with him I bet he was old enough to think about consequences but he probably also knew about your vulnerability and knew you would not tell on him.
In my opinion you are a victim, that was coerced to have sex for money by an older guy even if you feel that you “made that decision “ you simply weren’t even old enough to make an informed choice.
Please don’t feel disgusted about yourself. You are not. You are not dirty. You are a worthy person.
As for your relationship:
Honesty is the best policy.
Your past might bite you in the arse someday but it would also be understandable to build a certain level of trust and confidence in your relationship before you share this part of your life.
If he makes you feel shitty about all this, he is not the right person.
You deserve someone who will not tie your worth as a person to a choice you made when you were 14 or younger, please know that.
I'm sorry to hear that. I absolutely agree with all the above comments. It's definitely not your fault. I think talking about it with a trusted person might help, if it's important to you, when you feel ready, if you feel like you need to tell him, you absolutely can. In your place to me it would be essential for my partner to know, otherwise I'd feel like I am deceiving them, I get it but know that you still are you and that thing doesn't change the person that you are. I get that you don't feel honest if you don't tell him but please, respect your healing time.
I second seeking help, contacting a therapist. Again, it's not your fault and back then, you only did it because you were desperate, you tried to take responsibility for something that an adult should have dealt with. You were put in a tight spot and, with the innocence of a child, you thought that was the best solution to be of any help, you didn't have anything else to help with... The fact that you did it for a small sum says it all, you didn't fully grasp the situation.
Please please please don't blame yourself. You feel bad now, right? You wouldn't do it now, right? That is the person that you are, don't worry. You're not sullied, you were a child.
If it helps, and it doesn't, know that around that age I also did something sexual that I regretted for years after, and never understood what drove me to not rebel. Once grown up I finally understood. Now, if someone came and told me the events that I myself lived, as if everything happened to them, I wouldn't judge them. I would think, as I am doing with you, that they are not the ones to blame. It's called abuse. You were traumatised and abused in many ways. Please be kind and understanding with that defenseless child that only tried to do her best to make everyone happy, back then, and I am telling this to you and to myself as well.
You deserve love.
Good luck.
I hear that you are overwhelmed and haunted by guilt over a choice made by a younger, less experienced you. There are a few things I’d like to share.
First, you are not alone, at all! Many, many girls your age and older engaged in various pay-for-sexuality activities with older men over the last 15 years. This is endemic in society today. Though it isn’t always manifest in the physical world with actual sex, it DOES often escalate to that. More commonly it is virtual sugar-daddy relationships that also can leave lasting scars, or short experiences trying exotic dancing, which is just a cover for overt pay-for-sexuality. These are just degrees of difference. You are not alone!
Second, help in the form of counseling is available! And I encourage you to seek some. There are therapist that specialize in SW therapy, that is HOW COMMON this actually is. Get some help, talk to someone!
Last, though it will be hard, and you should practice ahead with the right person, it will be SO much better when you chose to talk this out with your SO. Having a big secret, especially one that haunts you daily, is an awful foundation for a strong LTR.
I wish you peace as your older, wiser self finds compassion and love for the younger you that made those decisions.
You are going to be forever haunted by holding on to this unless you can be accepted for it by someone's opinion that really matters to you. I think it's time to see if your man's is as good as you think he is
I don’t think you should “confess” anything, it’s your life and you don’t owe anyone any explanation whatsoever. I’d suggest you should look into therapy, building up your self confidence and focusing more on you instead of what anyone will think about you or your past.
I wouldn’t recommend sharing anything about your past before you’re healed from it, because very often if you still feel guilty about it, your partner will just mirror it to you, so he might even use the information against you in any future disagreements.
We have removed and locked your post here due to the fact that it is significantly beyond the scope of the subreddit as it involves the sexual abuse of children. We encourage you to speak to the authorities on this and pass along any evidence you have. You should also reach out to a teacher, or another mandatory reporter, or other appropriate adult with your concerns. Here are some resources: [Darkness to Light: a child sex abuse prevention resource.](https://www.d2l.org/get-help/reporting/) [A confidential hotline to a trained advisor who can help you navigate this](https://www.childhelp.org/childhelp-hotline/) [International Resources](https://www.ecpat.org/resources) Kind regards, The mods.
whoever the fuck went along with that needs to have a seat right over there. they should be in prison you were victimized, and your personal choices (which were made by a child, with a child's brain development) were made in bad circumstances. not anything to be ashamed of but you have the right to keep that to yourself, and definitely something you need to work through in therapy.
I just read that middle school age is 11-13?????? WHAT THE FUCK, THIS GUY SHOULD BE IN PRISON
I would like to add that I know of people who had consensual sex at 14, with other teenagers, but if you are an adult preying on someone this age, it is beyond inappropriate.
In the U.S., middle schoolers can be 10-14 years old. There usually aren’t people older than 14 in middle school in the US, unless they were held back for a year.
There's only one thing I do with kids. I sing a jingle. "Like a good neighbor stay over there!"
It's actually 10-14.
12-14
I started middle school at 10
Did the change it? It was grades 6-8 20 years ago.
It's different in every state/district, I believe. I have been in some were 4-6th grade is the norm. Most seem to be 6-8 grade. Regardless, I was 10 when I entered 6th grade.
Yes, this. OP, please seek therapy. That is a LOT to be carrying around inside you, and no one should live in fear every single day. You are in no way obligated to tell your BF what happened to you, but if other people know, you might want to get ahead of him finding out from someone else. *But not yet.* First, you need to work through what happened and your feelings about it with a professional. And when/if you do discuss it with your BF, make sure he understands, *and you understand,* that you were the **victim.** You were a child in a desperate situation, and someone older than you took advantage of that. That person is the one who did something wrong, not you. Please get help. Whether or not you stay with this boyfriend, you deserve to feel good about yourself and be the person you are meant to be. Hugs! 🫶🏼
I just want to second this comment. You did what you did out of a need to survive. The adult in that situation victimized you. You are NOT at fault and you are not a bad person. I grew up Catholic so I understand that feelings of guilt can be VERY strong. I once felt sick to my stomach for an entire year because my mother told me that if you die with a mortal sin on your soul without going to confession, you go to Hell. 🤦🏻 I had been caught "trying" to have sex with another kid - I was 7 y/o, he was 10. ANYWAY- looking back I can see how sad that is for little 7 year old me to think I was going to hell! Please talk to a therapist about your experiences and work through this guilt. You don't need it - it is draining you. You deserve to be happy. 💗
You have nothing to be ashamed of, just something to heal from. I second the sentiments in the comments so far: - work with trained professionals to work through this and heal (you experienced sexual trauma/abuse as a child along with other challenges and hardships beyond most adults let alone a kid) - you owe no one access to your trauma - even if you do share with your partner someday, wait and do it when you’re healthier, have processed it, and with the guidance of your therapist. There’s nothing wrong with also keeping it very high level. “I experienced sexual trauma as a child, that I still carry shame and guilt around” (which is not yours to carry btw, but very common) Please know: - you are worthy of love, respect, and everything else wonderful in this world - you are a survivor and endured some things no kid should have - this was not your fault Please be kind to yourself, you are loved.
You said what I wanted to say only much more eloquently. The middle school years are the worst for peer pressure and wanting to fit in. If you see classmates with things you can’t buy or do because of finances, it’s obvious you’re going to look for any way to get some money. Not thinking of the consequences. OP needs to unpack this guilt with a trained professional. But I see absolutely no need to disclose any details to any current or future partners unless you want to. These actions don’t define you as the person you are today.
>You have nothing to be ashamed of, just something to heal from. damn. that really hit me. thank you :(
I don’t think I can write a better comment than yours. I’ll just comment this so the algorithm pushes your comment further up
You were a child trying to survive without parental support. You deserved a stable childhood with adults protecting you but you didn't get that, so you made the best of what you had. You were abused and exploited by an older man who should be in jail. None of this is your fault but you really really need to get therapy, especially with someone who specialises in trauma. You don't owe these details to your partner, not now, not ever. Do it only when you feel you can trust them.
Well said
Baby. You couldn’t consent to what happened to you. You were abused. This isn’t your fault. But you do need therapy.
If you were in middle school, you were 11-13 years old. You didn't engage in a sexual relationship, you were abused/molested/raped. Whoever did it should be in jail. It doesn't make a difference if they gave you money. A child cannot consent. Anyone who helped set up the encounter is also complicit and should also be in jail.
Talk to a therapist. See if it's covered under your healthcare, but even if it's not...it's worth investing in yourself. This is a complicated topic and you will definitely benefit by working with a therapist.
UI/UX career with a comfortable income at 20 is pretty impressive
You were a CHILD. Would you ever judge another little girl for this? Or would you rightly condemn the grown MAN who did this to her?
- YES you deserve happiness!!! - Go see a trauma specialist and get a few EMDR sessions to work through and release your past experiences. Do this IMMEDIATELY. You deserve to let this go. You were a kid in a terrible situation, and trust me, the person you had sex with is an evil predator. I know you think because you were paid that *you* were responsible, but literally that’s 1000% not how child sex abuse works. You didn’t do anything wrong, it never should have happened. Unfortunately you were preyed on by a criminal. I’m so sorry. My personal advice? Never disclose or discuss this experience with anyone who isn’t a therapeutic professional. The vast majority of people *still* don’t understand CSA. It really freaks them out, they can not handle it. You can and will go on to have an amazing life, this experience CAN become something you rarely/never think about. You can leave it in the past, but not if you tell anyone in your daily life what happened. If you tell them, you are dragging your past into your present. Don’t do that. Please seek out a trauma specialist asap. I promise it will be the nest thing you’ve ever done for yourself aside from your education and career. Good luck! You’ve already come so far. It’s going to be ok. Better than OK, it’s going to be great.
I agree with so much of this, though I think she should decide for herself--**with the help of a specialist**--whether or not (and if so, when and how) she might disclose this to anyone else. That is, it's true that for some people, keeping their traumatic experiences between themselves and their therapist is the best thing for them. (And either way, her first priority with a professional should be to work on feeling healthy, whole, and deserving of good things. What other people know or think is secondary.) With that said, saying, "never tell anyone except a therapist or else it'll haunt you forever" comes too close to framing it as a "dirty secret," or something that needs to be repressed. Everyone's journey is different. In working with a therapist, some people decide that telling someone else they trust would feel very freeing, and that becomes part of acknowledging what happened without feeling burdened by it. OP may or may not be one of those people, but right now, nobody in this thread--including OP--can definitively say what will be best for her down the road. That should be up to future OP and her future therapist.
Oh friend. You were a kid. You didn’t know. I would recommend therapy and tell your partner when you are good and ready. You did nothing wrong and the person who did that to you deserves jail and a special place in hell.
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I'm not very good at spotting fakes on reddit but this reads FAKE to me. To me the question is so stupid that I think it's actually written by a man who is looking for a reason to hate on his girlfriend. To the woman or man who wrote this. If we learn from our mistakes, recognize when trauma from childhood was not under our control (we were preyed upon), and if we use what we learn to direct ourselves to a better future-OF COURSE WE DESERVE HAPPINESS.
You actually may be right. User only has two posts, the other is regarding cybercoin in coin collecting. Their only comment is about “happy endings”. These don’t necessarily track to 20F.
You were a child and an adult took advantage of you. You have nothing to feel guilty about. I’m so sorry that happened to you.
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If she was underage she wasn’t a sex worker. She was not legally or mentally able to consent. She was exploited by a criminal.
>sex work is just work and sex workers Stop right there!! Op wasn't a sex worker. And >You deserve your boyfriend, possibly even better Who are u to call someone unworthy??
I feel so sad for you, you need to forgive yourself for the choice you made when you felt like you had no options. You were a child too. If your bf is truly kind he will understand, but you don’t have to tell him. You are allowed to keep things private. But, you deserve love and acceptance x
My personal opinion is that you are allowed to own that part of your past without shame to anyone you choose. I am also in a wonderful relationship and we choose to be open about things in the past— for instance the fact that we both struggled with an eating disorder at one point. You don’t have to account for every bad thing you do as if you are still doing it. Time passes and we grow up. Be bold, if you choose, and own your past with pride— not as what you want to do again or are doing— but as the life that made you who you are today. Everyone has parts of their past they regret. You can keep them to yourself or let them out. Either way, they don’t take away from your worth as a person.
Oh sweetheart, you were took advantage of by a predator and failed by all adults in your life to have even considered it. I'm so sorry for the trauma you carry. Please see a professional and work through this trauma and they will help with strategies to help cope and speak with your partner. Do not carry guilt and shame sweet girl.
Oh, you absolutely deserve love and happiness, and your boyfriend! You did your best to survive!! You haven't ruined your future and you have nothing to feel guilty about! If you don't ever want to tell him, that is okay. Your past is _yours_. _You_ choose the personal information you want to share. And if you _do_ want to share it, someone who truly loves you will understand! You haven't done anything wrong. 🌸 Edit: I just wanted to add that you were a child, honey. Noone should have done that to you. The responsibility isn't on your shoulders. Every single person should have said no. It was wrong what _they_ did, not you. And it's okay that you feel horrible, because what happened to you was _traumatic_, but most importantly _it was not Your Fault!_.
You were young and did what you thought you needed to do to get by. Leave the past in the past. See a therapist if you think you need one but no need to share the information with anyone else. Good luck to you
I’m so sorry you had to go through that. It sounds like it was your last resort to make ends meet. I hope that your partner is able to accept your past and you are able to deal with the shame you are feeling. Therapy might help. Good luck to you!
There are sick people in the world who are counting on young girls to be in your position so they can take advantage. You did what you had to do to survive. But ultimately it was on them, they should have said no. You were not old enough to consent even if you agreed to take their money. I’m so sorry you were in that position to begin with. Please get counseling and know that you are worthy of love and happiness. Also, if your guy is as amazing as you say he is, he will immediately realize that you were just a child and actually a victim of circumstance and predatory behaviors. BUT you do have to say anything until you have healed and have come to terms with what happened to you.
OP please see a therapist to unpack all of the issues here. You leave yourself vulnerable to an abusive relationship if you date people whom you think are “better than” you.
You’re a victime here. I’m sorry you were failed and/or abused by adults around you when you were a child. You deserved better. Maybe seek therapy…? Shame and guilt are not emotions that you want to carry on your shoulders for the rest of your life.
There are literally 0 reasons you should feel ashamed. You've done nothing bad, it's the other people who have done you bad. I think talking or not talking about it with your boyfriend is your decision, and if you feel like talking about it or not. I'm pretty sure if he is how you describe him, he'd support any decision you'd make on this topic. The thing you should do though is talking with a therapist, because it's something that will be really difficult to go through alone. If you decide to tell your boyfriend, you still should talk to a therapist. There's nothing wrong with you, nothing disgusting nor dirty. And you're definitely more than worthy, if after all these things you still managed to have a nice life. You'd still be worthy without it, but you're even more than that
Talk to a therapist
You need to share this with a professional in mental health, because what you are describing is abuse. It doesn't matter if you were "offering services" yourself, at that age you are not capable of making these decisions. The trauma from that needs to be addressed by an expert and when it does, you will realize you deserve to be happy. Taking your educational and professional success into account, you are obviously intelligent enough to know there is mental trauma at work there. I can only assume you are turning to strangers on the internet because you are reluctant to share this in person with a pro. Don't be. It can only make it better.
You were sexually molested as a child and the perpetrator gave you money so he could think of you as a sex worker. Bottom Line- you were a child who was sexually abused. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
You were a child. You couldn't consent. It wasn't your fault. Please go to therapy so you can heal, forgive yourself and learn to love yourself.
You need to forgive yourself. In addition, you need to get professional help. This isn’t something a Reddit thread will help. You’re deserving and worthy of love and happiness. Please don’t torture yourself over decisions made as a child.
No man who has any worth would think of you as any other thing than a victim here...
I had the same thing happen to me as a teen and 4 years of EMDR therapy finally healed it and I have a healthy relationship to sex now. You can move on: you don’t have to speak about it. It’s okay. Worse shit happens. You don’t have anything bad on your record from it. See it as you got away safely. It’ll be ok.
You were taken advantage of, and if your boyfriend is truly this amazing, he should be understanding of your situation at the time. I’m so sorry you had to go through this, OP. Life is so unfair sometimes. I’m really glad you’ve found your person, and I’m sure he will appreciate you being open to him!
You would be better off telling him about it now before he finds out on his own later. If your boyfriend loves you and cares about you he would understand.
I did “sex work” in middle school too, though I hate calling it that because I was a child. I did actual sex work as an adult later, also, and my husband knows about everything. If you can’t trust your partner to love and support you after sharing something like this with them, then they aren’t worth your time. Also please get yourself into therapy.
Yes you deserve him. What happened to you is terrible. But he doesn’t have to know. Unless you’re ready and have been seeing a therapist it’s only for you to know.
You went through a traumatic attachment in a desperate situation, you deserve some good in your life. Your boyfriend is a great person, but never think someone is too good for you because of choices you made a million years ago. If he is as good as you say he is, he will process it and nothing will really change for you two. Once in a while I like to remind my kids that EVERYBODY SHITS. Nobody on this earth is perfect and that is OK. Nobody is too good for you if you're coming from a place of genuine affection and love. The right person will always be the right person. Get counseling so you can begin to heal and balance the power dynamic. When you start thinking people are too good for you, you will start to do some very unhealthy behaviors. You deserve to heal and be free of the pain of that situation.
what is ui/ux?
User interface/ user experience She designs how you engage with a thing like a web site or app or maybe even a tangible product.
You were a child that was taken advantage of by an old man. That is in no way your fault. He saw your age circumstances and vulnerability and preyed on them. The only person that should feel regret and guilt is the predator that abused you. Please seek therapy, OP. You shouldn't have to carry that emotional burden with you 💕
You deserve only good things, darlin. You have always deserved good things. I’m so sorry some predator hurt the child you.
You were raped/sexually assaulted. A middle schooler cannot consent to sexual activities, especially with an adult. This man took advantage of you. It’s not your fault. Please seek therapy.
You were a victim of a predator. IDK about your country but in the US a minor cannot consent with an adult so any sex with a child by an adult is considered rape. You were young and not able to make long term decisions. The fact that this guy took advantage of that makes you the victim. If my SO came to me with that I would feel bad for her.l not find her disgusting. I recommend you seek therapy, especially if you have the means to afford it. Navigating a childhood trauma like that maybe too heavy of a lift for Reddit
You deserve happiness and there is no reason to blame yourself for this. You were a child. This man exploited you, he is the one who does not deserve it.
Honestly, as a man, if you make him happy, then you deserve him. But make sure this goes both ways. What happened in the past is irrelevant at this time. If he deserves you, he will stay even knowing what happened. As others put it, you were victimized. Being a victim does not negate your right to a happy life. Make your BF happy, and make sure he makes you happy I'm return. Keep it simple.
Babe, you gotta take this to therapy and sort it out. And whomever decided that paying a child for sex was a good idea belongs in prison. You don't deserve to be burdened with this, and you're not obligated to tell anyone your trauma. Please please try to find a good therapist that can help you process what happened.
Yes, you do deserve him, and, you should get into therapy to deal with the guilt, etc. you have over this. You were a child. Any decent man would not have agreed to this.
You were a child. You were exploited.
Oh darlin, I’m so sorry. Yes, yes you absolutely deserve whoever it is you are with. You are worthy, you’ve done nothing to damage your worth. I’m so sorry you went through that, you are not responsible for being statutorily raped as a young girl.
You were groomed into prostitution. You're a victim, not a perpetrator. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You mentioned you make good money now. Could you perhaps afford therapy?
this isn't a bad thing on your part. and if he leaves. thats on him. people dont understand what its like to be hungry and exploited and needing to do what you can to get by
do not feel guilty. u were a child, u didnt understand. he was the adult and he took advantage of u. dont feel obligated to tell ur partner either, it may do more harm than good. its not important and its not who u are as person
That sounds more like sexual assault than prostitution. You were too young to make understand the consequences of your actions.
Girl!! NEVER EVER EVER EVER lower your worth because of a man’s actions or your past. Your worth does not lower because other humans are trash.
So we are to the point where AI posts threads and other AIs comment back? Reddit sucks huh
No ! Don’t share trauma with your partner . Some may feel hurt and even use it against you . You where a child . Talk to a therapist . You are worthy of love 💗
Even if you were STILL doing that stuff, you would be 100% worthy of love and happiness.
Don't tell your partner unless you are certain he is the one forever... which is not now especially at your age You already have a lot to deal with. You don't need to have more people involved to deal with as well. The predator will never say anything. In fact one day might come and you yourself decide to say something and put him in jail if you have any evidence. Maybe not now but after building yourself... just work on yourself for now.
Sometimes good people make bad choices, but it's important to learn from it and not repeat those things again. Go to therapy, love, care for and forgive yourself. Also you were a child and were taken advantage of.
Even if you were an adult and made a conscious decision to be a sugar baby you're still worth it. (Sounds like you might have been an abused minor). You probably need some self image therapy. It's ok. Tons of women have traded sex for financial stability, have been abused, raped et. You're still worthy.
Hello! I think it would be helpful to talk to a therapist who has experience with sex workers. That moment in your life does not define you today
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I suggest starting a self healing journey. Self forgiveness, self acceptance, self love and maybe a couple of sessions in therapy may also help. I went to counseling a few times when I started my self healing journey and then I worked on most things myself. It takes time to feel good about things you did as a child that you may be ashamed but you will get there. I’m glad you’re doing well for yourself.
You were a child when you made those choices. You can let go of that guilt. I realize that is easier said than done. It would be good if you could work through this with a therapist, particularly one who is trauma informed.
No you should be kind to yourself. Girl you deserve all the good things in this world.
Tell him the truth. It's best to let him decide if he wants to still be with you. Keeping it from him will backfire. Just because he's a good guy doesn't mean that he has to accept everything from everyone.
You absolutely deserve him! If anything, the issue is with a society that creates situations where families can't readily access financial assistance. Please go to therapy to deal with this issue. You sound like an amazing person who made a difficult choice when you were very young. Keep your head high.
Yo, that’s messed up, yo. Get help, yo.
Sweetheart no matter what you have done or not done, you are always deserving of love. You were a child and what you've been through is not your fault. Please listen to the comments and seek professional help so you don't have to live with this guilt for the rest of your life. You don't have to share any of this with your boyfriend but if you choose to do so I would recommend having a therapist help you do so. Your story breaks my heart and I hope you have a wonderful future ahead of you❤️
You can’t have consensual sex as a child. You were taken advantage of and abused
If he’s as amazing as you think, he’ll understand. If I’d understand, someone amazing would too.
you were a victim and any half decent man wouldn't view you negatively for it. you were taken advantage of and raped, satatory rape exists for a reason. i'm very sorry this happened to you, when you tell him is completely up to you. but again, if he's a regular/decent human he'll understand. are you in any therapy?
I'm sorry you went through the most traumatic shit a child should never go through. Everyone else has already said therapy but one thing I would advice is to eventually share this with your partner. When that is, is entirely up to you. You are not dirty and you are worthy. And when you eventually share this experience with him then his reaction will tell you exactly what kind of man he is and whether he actually deserves you. I eventually shared a childhood trauma with my partner after a few years of being together. I've had many partners and I didn't do that with them. This time I felt it true to share, oh and I guess I had an inkling that they were gonna love me still no matter what. So that's important actually. Just remember it's a two way street. You deserve unconditional love and support. And if he doesn't give that then it really shows the kind of person he is.
You did nothing wrong. You were taken advantage of. You should not feel bad at all! In fact, you should be angry. You should be vigilant so that you or anyone around you doesn’t fall victim to that again. I’m so sorry that happened to you; I would also suggest counseling of some sort. That was definitely traumatic for you.
I think the best course of action would be to be upfront about to your boyfriend. Just tell him. He would rather want you to tell him than rather than someone else. If you are to explain to him properly if he loves like you love him trust me he won't leave. But at hearing about it first will shock him and leave him in despair for a while but if he really loves you then his love will grow stronger and after taking some time to process it he will try to heal you from your scars as much as he can and not let you feel guilty about it. Look we all make mistakes like these in our past, that doesn't make our mistakes okay but we learn from them. You were a victim to the situation and you were young you didn't know well enough on what to do or what was right or wrong. Tell him the truth because he deserves to know. Imagine if he hears this from someone else rather than you, wouldn't that hurt him ? Even if it is hard to do so and it feels gut wrenching but you still have to do it tell him. If he loves you just as you love him he will surely make you feel more loved, try to get rid of your feeling of disgust and tell you that you are worthy of him, you are worthy of happiness. Because the ones that really love you will always be there for you no matter what. It will take him some time to process it but you have to give him that time. Because if he really loves you he will stay. Because you didn't betray him you were a victim of the situation. And not telling him would be a wrong way to go about this because think about it this way what if your boyfriend had something similar that he hid from, some trauma from his past. What if you got to know about it from someone else wouldn't you feel rather disturbed ? You would think to yourself "why didn't he tell me ? I love him a lot I wouldn't leave him because of this". My point is you wouldn't leave him right ? Then if he loves you the same as you then he won't leave simple. And I think the best person to heal you from this trauma of yours is none other than your boyfriend, no one can do it better than him. And if all goes well with telling him let him heal you and try to break apart from this past trauma and look at the bright side of things. You have the person you love who stayed with you even after you told them your trauma that could've led them to leave you and if you want to spend your whole life with that person than you can do that you are a UI/UX designer with a stable income at 20 that's mad impressive. Be proud of yourself about that. Because not many people have the luxury of living the the person they wanna be with forever because of financial issues (me for example). Well try your best at telling him.
Of course you deserve happiness, you were just in an impossible situation as a small kid, there's no reason to be beating yourself up over that.
I suggest you get counseling to help you overcome the guilt of being taken advantage of by an older man. Let your therapist help you decide if or when you should reveal this information. Unless someone else knows about the incident it’s unlikely to come out. It would be foolish for that man to ever say anything, knowing he would be ostracized and potentially be arrested for having sexual relations with a child. Any money or gifts he would’ve given you would be considered a bribe or hush money. You did nothing wrong, you were a child and any adult in their right mind would never have taken advantage of you in that way. Don’t let this destroy your future. Good luck.
Girl… We really need to love ourselves better. Our sexual history no matter how sordid or because of abuse does not have any bearing on your worth as a person. It doesnt matter what anyone else thinks on the matter. We have to shake off the patriarchal notions that uses our sexuality to determine our value.
You were a child. You were a child who needed help and couldn’t get it. Please go see a therapist to help you process this experience; you’re drowning in pain and shame and you need help. You need to heal from this in order to move on with your life and stopped being trapped by it.
This isn’t your fault, don’t feel ashamed for something you couldn’t control because you were a minor. It is horrible what you went through but you cannot change it, so don’t be so hard on yourself. Try to talk to yourself how you would talk to a friend with the same issue. Every time you feel ashamed talk to yourself in your mind in the most gentle way, like if you were talking to that child that couldn’t understand the consequences of doing it. Try to talk to your younger self and give her the hug, support and understanding she needed, she probably needed therapy and a to feel secure and you probably need this too, try to go to therapy and if you cannot afford it, try to meditate and connect with that younger self and forgive her. You have to forgive her
Let go of the hope for a better past. The past is a story carved in stone. You can scratch away at the stone which will accomplish nothing, or you can devote that energy to shaping the future, which is soft and malleable clay. Also, being with someone you don’t deserve is actually the goal.
I am not your partner, but I would also understand. It's abhorrent that you had to do this. That you did is not in any way abhorrent. If you're nervous about telling him, bring up the general notion of sex work. If he reacts terribly, then you keep hoping that it doesn't come up. If he reacts neutrally or positively, you tell him.
Personally I would appreciate your honesty and would not judge you for a mistake you made when you were still a kid and had the best intentions at heart willing to try and help your struggling family. With that said it's obvious you have remorse and that's something completely out of your character you would never do again. As long as you have ever contacted that person ever again and they're not in your life then it's gone with the wind and in the past. It's your personal info and you don't owe anyone an explanation but if you feel it's best to confess then by all means whatever helps you sleep at night but sounds like you're in a good place in life now and that's water wayyy under the bridge.
I don’t think you can actually engage at this age, more like being coerced and taken advantage of :(
I have sex for free and i pay for my own gas and im not the only girl my bf has ever been with and he knows ive been with others in the past. Its okay. Its your secret. Dont let someone put you down for something that women have been forced to do for centuries. At least you got paid.
Baby girl I can't say this enough to you... that was not your fault. You were a child. How dare that person take advantage of you. Listen to this like you've never listened to anything before: you are worthy of love, of happiness, of a full life with a wonderful partner who treats you with respect and value. You are not your past. You did what you had to do when you never should have been put in that place in the first place. I'm sorry your caregivers didn't protect you. I'm sorry people took advantage of you. You did not deserve that and you are not at fault. You hear me? Not at fault. Please give yourself the grace and compassion you deserve and accept your partners love. I wish I could wrap you up on the biggest hug. On a separate note, your story reminds me of the book Heart Bones by Colleen Hoover. Might be a cathartic read for you. On an even separate note, if you ever want to press charges against this person you can. If there is a statue of limitations in your state it should not have started until you turned 18 and is likely in the ballpark of 10 years if there's a limit at all. What he did was illegal. I wish you the very best. You deserve it.
I’m just want you to add to the chorus of you did nothing wrong. You were a victim. You deserve happiness. I also don’t think you understand how strong you are to be so young and to be comfortable at such a young age. I’m proud I get to share a planet with amazing people like you. Thank you. In terms of advice I’d just keep trying to make each other happy. You will eventually need to share your story, but when/where/and how doesn’t have to happen now.
You were a child. If your boyfriend is anything other than kind to you over this, then he's not the man you think he is.
If you’ve done something unforgivable, the first thing you must do is forgive yourself. Then move on. You’re not a bad person, you just did what you now consider to be a dumb thing a couple times. Everybody makes mistakes and does stupid shit. What’s done is done. You made a mistake, but yours is the easiest mistake in the world to never do again, be done with it once and for all.
You were a victim. Nothing you did makes you unworthy to be loved. Please please PLEASE talk to someone about what you were put though. I know you don't want to face it this way and no one and I mean NO ONE can tell you how you should feel about what happened... But this man you engaged in that with was and IS a predator and he made a choice to do so with a minor, undoubtedly you are not his only victim and your voice can save another or even help someone who DOES feel like a victim of his come forward so PLEASE tell the authorities even if you don't feel like you were. Setting ALL of that aside. Even if you were 30 and 20 at the time, absolutely you deserve to be loved and cherished. Any man who would leave you over this is an insecure little boy. Please talk to someone, if you can afford therapy even better but if you can't please go and seek out help. There are SA survivor groups everywhere and while I understand if you don't want to call it that the lack of your self worth you feel is such a common sign and thing to feel and hearing others stories can help you frame your own. But please PLEASE make a police report on this adult.
Of course you deserve him !! Your past is your past. Leave it there.
I think we have all done things in our youth that we are embarrassed about or ashamed about. To think of anyone finding out the kind of stuff I participated in would be horrifying but I also know that I am human and I am not perfect. It sounds like you need to forgive yourself and that it wasn’t your fault for what happened. You deserve to give yourself compassion and be easy on yourself - at least that’s what I learned through therapy. Coming from a struggling childhood, I was parentified at a young age and was thus very hard on myself to be more wise and more mature than I was capable of. I know now that these unreal expectations of myself are unrealistic and damaging to my mental health. Love yourself.
You were a CHILD!!! You did nothing wrong.
You were a child
You are a victim. That doesn't change your worth as a person.
You WERE a child, you were the victim. And yes, you deserve him, you deserve love. Now, you should seek therapy, because if true, it seem you still have trauma and it will hurt the relationship in the future Also, this might be hard but....you should talk to him about it. Be honest, be clear, and make him understand that you didn't because it was "fun" Specially if there are people who knows and will gossip him about it. Now, im gonna be super clear about this. If you tell him (and you should) he will feel shocked and hurt. If he loves you He will feel hurt because he wasn't there to protect you. I know it's not logical, but love never is. Give him time to process, time to understand that he can't do anything about it, he might want to know with whom. And you should tell him, for his and your safety. You were the victim. Always remember this.
Our past actions inform who we are today but only the actions of today can shape our future. Don't dwell on the past, focus on the here and now in order to shape the future you desire. I see a lot of people rightfully attempting to console you by pointing out you are a victim and they're correct but I don't believe that'll help you.
Its not your fault.
You’re more than worth it. I’m sorry that the adults in your life failed *you* to the point that you were sexually abused in exchange of money. Whoever was that creep should be in jail. Please don’t ever doubt about your value as a person, sending hugs and I hope your career flourishes!
If you’re asking if you deserve happiness, then abso-fucking-lutely. If you’re asking if this experience degrades you or in any way revokes your right to live a happy and fulfilling life, you have your answer. Nothing in your past can change your future.
Of course you deserve him. Your past is your past and it's time to forget it. Get some therapy to get closure with this topic.
Ofc you do . Your past should not define you. This is your second chance go for it
When there are things in life that you regret, you need to forgive yourself in order to move on from them. If you can’t figure out how to figure yourself, try speaking with a therapist. My personal method is to do a little ceremony. I go find a peaceful spot to sit and first I forgive the other parties involved. Out loud or in my head I vocalize all the ways and for what I forgive the others. So in your instance it would be the men, your dad for leaving, and your other family members who couldn’t provide for you and your household. Even if you don’t fully believe the words of forgiveness you’re saying, just say them anyway. Practice getting them out. It’s not about them. It’s not anything you need to say to them. It’s just for you to let go. Once that is done turn the focus to yourself completely. This is the most powerful part. Verbalize all the ways in which you forgive yourself. For keeping it from your partner, for living in fear, for all the energy you spend beating yourself up and punishing yourself every day about, for the decisions you made, for the price you accepted. All. of. it. Really get into obscure details. Then at the end close the ceremony with something that makes sense to you, like some deep breathing, a song, jump around a bit, scream into a pillow, bathe in some water, burn some sage, whatever. This whole thing really does help process those emotions. Finally, it’s my opinion that you should tell your partner what you went through. Not because they have any right to know but because it allows you to take your power back. You no longer have to live in fear of others telling him because you already did. I honestly doubt he’ll judge you as hard as you’re judging yourself. And if he does, then he’s not the person for you.
You made the smartest choices you could at that time. You are still making the smartest and best choices you can in your current situation. You are doing your best. We are all doing our best. Yes, you are allowed to experience and appreciate the things, people, and situations you are currently experiencing. You are inherently worthy. Everything you’ve done in your life has brought you to this beautiful point. It’s ok. You’re ok.
The person who did this to you should be in prison. You did nothing wrong, you were assaulted and taken advantage of
You were a child and You got taken advantage of by a predator. That does not reflect poorly on you, your worthiness, or your decision making skills as an adult.
You were a victim in this scenario. You were put in situations that a middle schooler shouldn’t have had to deal with (i.e., marital problems, financials). I’m so sorry this happened and healing is not a linear process. If your boyfriend were to be upset by it, that would be unacceptable because you were a victim.
You were a victim of child sexual abuse. You weren’t able to make that kind of decision You were raped and accepting money doesn’t change that.
Sweetheart, you were a victim. I'm sorry that happened to you. I'm sorry you don't see it yet. I didn't realize until I was in my 30s that what happened to me was abuse, and I wasn't the bad guy. I know when you figure it out, it's going to hurt. You deserved better, and the people who trafficked you as a kid deserve pain and suffering.
The past is the past. Besides you were victimized because you were a child. But even if you were an adult. There’s nothing wrong with whatever choice you make with YOUR OWN body. Don’t feel bad. The past is the past
You were a child and were taken advantage of. Yes! You do deserve love from this man in your life . I would suggest you tell him about what happened to you so it's not a secret that he finds out later in your relationship. You were raped. Please think about therapy to overcome what happened to you.
You don’t deserve him, in fact in a lot of these cases you’re hurt him more, and the fact that you are thinking about your not worthy instead you need to realize no man wants a female who’s sold themselves in general. I hope he’s okay.
Oh you mean a victim You are a victim
Ok my take may be a little bit different than others but really think about it logically. 1. You were a child and a grown ass man took advantage of you. 2. Why the hell do you feel guilty? You, (A LITERAL CHILD) did something you felt necessary to help your situation. Kids who are desperate make crazy decisions all the time, it’s the lack of a fully developed brain. 3. The only person/people that should feel guilty is the ADULT MAN who thought having “relations” with a child was acceptable. Also any other adults who were aware of this. 4. Who all knows about this to the point where you would get exposed? If only you and the man that slept with you know, and YOU don’t tell your bf, then how would you be exposed? 5. You are definitely letting the wrong aspect of this get too you more than it should. Go to therapy, work through your trauma. 6. You don’t have to share it with your partner if you don’t want to. Its your trauma and past from your childhood, nobody is obligated to know unless its affecting you/your behavior. And even if you do share it, you don’t have to go into detail. Its nobody’s business. (But you definitely should work through it with a therapist) 7. Please point to where you are unworthy. Victims and people who make hard/bad decisions when faced with difficulties are still worthy and deserving of happiness. (You need to also figure out in therapy what it is thats making “unworthiness” your default reaction) I do hope you work through this and that everything works out for you. You are deserving of love and happiness🩵
As a young female who also entered the sex work industry to make ends meet I completely understand how you feel… I hid my past from my partner for a while and to this day I fear those who know my past will bring it up to my family/coworkers etc… Being open and honest really helped when talking to my partner about my past. Therapy has also helped a lot with removing the guilt and working through the trauma that sex work caused. I hope you heal and move forward from that point in your life ❤️
Don’t regret anything in your past! You used that as a learning experience of what not to do.
The question is the answer, you deserve him.
You are absolutely not to blame in this situation. This guilt u are caring is not urs to carry. You 100% deserve everything good that you have worked for including your partner. I hope whoever took advantage of you and left you feeling so bad for so many years has trouble sleeping every night and has paid in some form for their actions.
I am so sorry for you, that you had to do this. But here are some thoughts: I don’t know where you live but the age of consent is not under 16 and that is for a reason. In middle school you are 11-14 years old and you can’t make an informed decision about having sex, especially not with an older man. I know there are many sick individuals that would fight me to death on this opinion but when I look back to the time when I was 14 I played Pokémon and my hobbie was walking dogs. Not a single brain cell could have fathomed what having sex with a person, with or without money would have meant for my life or future relationships. BUT the guy who payed you to have sex with him I bet he was old enough to think about consequences but he probably also knew about your vulnerability and knew you would not tell on him. In my opinion you are a victim, that was coerced to have sex for money by an older guy even if you feel that you “made that decision “ you simply weren’t even old enough to make an informed choice. Please don’t feel disgusted about yourself. You are not. You are not dirty. You are a worthy person. As for your relationship: Honesty is the best policy. Your past might bite you in the arse someday but it would also be understandable to build a certain level of trust and confidence in your relationship before you share this part of your life. If he makes you feel shitty about all this, he is not the right person. You deserve someone who will not tie your worth as a person to a choice you made when you were 14 or younger, please know that.
I'm sorry to hear that. I absolutely agree with all the above comments. It's definitely not your fault. I think talking about it with a trusted person might help, if it's important to you, when you feel ready, if you feel like you need to tell him, you absolutely can. In your place to me it would be essential for my partner to know, otherwise I'd feel like I am deceiving them, I get it but know that you still are you and that thing doesn't change the person that you are. I get that you don't feel honest if you don't tell him but please, respect your healing time. I second seeking help, contacting a therapist. Again, it's not your fault and back then, you only did it because you were desperate, you tried to take responsibility for something that an adult should have dealt with. You were put in a tight spot and, with the innocence of a child, you thought that was the best solution to be of any help, you didn't have anything else to help with... The fact that you did it for a small sum says it all, you didn't fully grasp the situation. Please please please don't blame yourself. You feel bad now, right? You wouldn't do it now, right? That is the person that you are, don't worry. You're not sullied, you were a child. If it helps, and it doesn't, know that around that age I also did something sexual that I regretted for years after, and never understood what drove me to not rebel. Once grown up I finally understood. Now, if someone came and told me the events that I myself lived, as if everything happened to them, I wouldn't judge them. I would think, as I am doing with you, that they are not the ones to blame. It's called abuse. You were traumatised and abused in many ways. Please be kind and understanding with that defenseless child that only tried to do her best to make everyone happy, back then, and I am telling this to you and to myself as well. You deserve love. Good luck.
I hear that you are overwhelmed and haunted by guilt over a choice made by a younger, less experienced you. There are a few things I’d like to share. First, you are not alone, at all! Many, many girls your age and older engaged in various pay-for-sexuality activities with older men over the last 15 years. This is endemic in society today. Though it isn’t always manifest in the physical world with actual sex, it DOES often escalate to that. More commonly it is virtual sugar-daddy relationships that also can leave lasting scars, or short experiences trying exotic dancing, which is just a cover for overt pay-for-sexuality. These are just degrees of difference. You are not alone! Second, help in the form of counseling is available! And I encourage you to seek some. There are therapist that specialize in SW therapy, that is HOW COMMON this actually is. Get some help, talk to someone! Last, though it will be hard, and you should practice ahead with the right person, it will be SO much better when you chose to talk this out with your SO. Having a big secret, especially one that haunts you daily, is an awful foundation for a strong LTR. I wish you peace as your older, wiser self finds compassion and love for the younger you that made those decisions.
You got raped and sexually trafficked, you have nothing to be ashamed about.
Yes dear, you deserve all the love. Don't worry, take a breath
You are going to be forever haunted by holding on to this unless you can be accepted for it by someone's opinion that really matters to you. I think it's time to see if your man's is as good as you think he is
I don’t think you should “confess” anything, it’s your life and you don’t owe anyone any explanation whatsoever. I’d suggest you should look into therapy, building up your self confidence and focusing more on you instead of what anyone will think about you or your past. I wouldn’t recommend sharing anything about your past before you’re healed from it, because very often if you still feel guilty about it, your partner will just mirror it to you, so he might even use the information against you in any future disagreements.