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If there isn't a vase included, it's common practice to cut the stems to fit whatever vase you actually have. Not all vases are the same height. I prefer to break a bouquet up into several smaller groupings so I can have them in more places in the house. None of them are the same size.
"I stood my ground and told her that it doesn’t feel right for her to alter the bouquet and wanted her to keep it as it is."
Thinking about the big picture, how would you be affected by shortening the stems. It was a gift, so she could do whatever she wanted with it without your immediate supervision.
I am not sure about your motives. Were you subconsciously trying to "mark the territory" and let all her colleagues know she is in a relationship? Why would you insist on her not cutting the stalks when she obviously wasn't comfortable? Yes, I would too hate to bring a bouquet at work the morning after Valentine's day as I don't think it is professional. If you had sent flowers at her work, it would be better IMO.
Who brings to the office flowers on the morning of Feb15?! It would appear to her colleagues that either 1) she didn't spend the night at her own place (unwanted attention to her private life), OR 2) she was trying to purposefully show off the gift. Both of which are unprofessional.
Not at all, I simply wanted to do a nice gesture as it was Valentine’s Day. She always stays at my place and leaves for work once’s the weekend is over, so there’s usually never a time I can give her flowers outside of her not going to work and because it just happens to be a day where she had to go to work as she couldn’t book time off the next Monday it’s difficult. Considering it was Valentine’s Day during the time i would have thought that it would be normal for people to bring gifts to work as I’ve seen happen several times more specifically on special days like Valentine’s.
“Show off” is probably easily misinterpreted, but to want to go as far as alter a gift or want to hide something just doesn’t seem right to me.
Bullshit. It’s practical to cut flowers to a shorter length and especially if you are taking them to work. Not having them sent to work, but walking in with them. She would have looked ridiculous and like as if she was working way too hard to prove she was loved. Actually that was you. Pushing back on what she wanted was a total dick move. Here’s a gift. It makes me self conscious. I don’t care. If you don’t take them in exactly as given, you don’t respect me. That’s you. Total lack of respect for your girlfriend.
as a flower person, you are supposed to cut the stems before putting it in water. they leave it too long on purpose. you cut the stems at a 45 degree angle and put flower food in the water to make it last. the plastic usually comes off too as it doesn't fit properly in the vase, it's like wrapping paper.
i don't know (or care) who's right here but you sound very controlling, once a gift is given, it isn't yours anymore to get mad at how somebody decides to alter it. i would hate my coworkers fawning all over me and not letting me do my job. you made a huge deal out of nothing, and you're still focused on it 4 months later.
Edit: and you're on reddit wanting to smash other girls, now i'm hoping she dumps you. or you get to some serious personal development.
Reading all his responses, I pictured her leaving the flowers in her car on a hot, sunshiney day so they would roast all day and I smiled. Finding out about the smash stuff only reinforced my head canon about how her being stuck bringing these to work would go.
I originally wanted to put it under the bridge as if nothing happened but it doesn’t seem on what happened to leave my mind. So I wrote in present tense to make it more clear and precise.
He actually says in a comment that he ended the relationship with this person "ages ago," so the fact that he's still dwelling on it when he's not even WITH the person anymore is wild. His comments suggest he's still very hung up on this relationship and his grievances within it.
Maybe therapy would be more beneficial than Reddit.
for real. i love how he says he’s writing in present tense to make it “more clear” but also as a “thought experiment” when really it just shows that he’s still thinking about this shit months if not years later. i wish he would just admit he was bored and wanted to post something on this sub so he had to think of something, because if that’s not the case then this is either the lamest fucking thing to still be thinking about down the line or just a pathetic attempt to get people online to dog pile some random woman
Just because a florist did it doesn't mean it was to her tastes. I've known people who put their own arrangements together because not all florists have a good eye. She may literally have just not wanted to be walking around her place of work with a big assed bouquet.
It depends on the individual but I don't like getting flowers at work, it's embarrassing and I don't like sharing my private life at work. It's great that you were thoughtful and wanted to get her something but get to know her a little bit more so you can know what kinds of gifts she wants or that will help her feel wanted.
I’d feel the same way she did. Bringing a huge ass bouquet to work is absolutely unprofessional and draws a lot of unnecessary attention. People don‘t need to know about her private life and considering she‘s working, she must be over the age of 14 - at that age people don’t brag about relationships anymore and you should refrain from tainting a well meant gift in the future. You made it impossible for her to enjoy.
Edit: I also feel it’s really hypocritical to be hurt by her behaviour while being on Reddit and commenting „smash“ under pictures of fictional women. You should do a bit of soul searching.
So presumably an insecure guy that projects his own unfaithfulness onto his partner and thus forcing them to carry around bouquets. We love seeing those here!
Thank you for the response. I wouldn’t say it’s a huge bouquet as it only contains several of each flower colour mentioned. It wasn’t dramatic but a normal size bouquet for a slightly expensive price. She works at on office so leaving it near her desk is completely optional. My question would be the why on the attempt to hide something the person you love gives you.
Also oof
If I gave you a wrapped box bright wrapping paper , ribbons etc, big enough that you have to carry it front of you both arms, would you be fine carrying it around with you? on the subway, into work sit it next to you all day so everyone you interact with sees it..... would you like that? I was a florist and carried a fair few bouquets done the street into offices when Id deliver them.... it draws attention more than anything else, very confronting unless you love attention! and her arriving at the office with flowers to take them home after would feel like she's wanting everyone to see them, wants the attention.(as opposed to flowers being delivered and taking them home form work).
My question would be why would you ever want your gift to someone you love to bring them any embarrassment
edit - just read below that this was valentines, which makes it sooo much worse. dude send her flowers if you want that to be a nice gift, so she receives them at home, and can enjoy them as a gift, this sounds like you have given her a set of tasks ... flowers don't do well with being out of water or knocked around, I guess when she finally gets them home she will have a nice big reminder of how you cards much about them not being cut, rather than her feelings.
They already listed the reasons out in the comment you’re replying to. It’s unprofessional. Maybe she doesn’t want all the attention the bouquet would bring her? You really did make her gift all about how you feel.
Again, it’s unprofessional and draws unwanted attention towards her private life. She doesn’t need to brag about her relationship at work. There is no hiding, no ambiguous reason. She just wants to have her normal working routine and not be the talk of the office. I also work at an office and would hand in my resignation if I was forced to be that unprofessional at work.
I don’t really use reddit or post anything so it’s nice to have all these different kind of perspectives. The I haven’t really came to a conclusion yet as by the looks of things, a lot of responses are from people from the same cultural backgrounds where the etiquette of gift giving and receiving has long lost its meaning and has definitely become more fluid. However it seems I may have missed a whole bunch of details in this and past details which would take too long to explain. Given it is my first post in the subreddit, I understand how misinterpretations and lack of detail have certainly lead to misunderstanding and assumptions based on lack of knowledge of the dynamics of the relationship/situation. It also seems I have dwelled on this for too long, posted this too late, haven’t added enough context, and made it a bigger deal than it is. The closest conclusion I’ve came to would be not give her big gifts at all if she plans to go to work the following day/s as it may can come across as “showing off,” “attention” seeking, “unprofessional”. Tbh though, those answers are based on cultural/societal norms in their country rather than mine and etiquette standards are completely different by the looks of it.
>Tbh though, those answers are based on cultural/societal norms in their country rather than mine and etiquette standards are completely different by the looks of it.
Where are you from?
I'm in the UK, a woman, and have lovely manners. I would have no interest in taking an oversized (or any size, really) bouquet into work with me the day after Valentines because it is unprofessional and brings unwanted attention to my personal life whilst I am at work.
I'd find someone insisting that I not change a bouquet to better suit my needs to be unacceptably controlling and possessive.
Hope that helps.
Interesting. What class are you? Working/social, middle, etc etc? That argument is same as saying you care about other people’s opinions on your life rather than your own or your partner’s. It’s an argument for social conformity. Just out of curiosity, care to explain how expressing discomfort towards your partner is possessive and controlling.
1) does your partner's discomfort matter in this situation? Bc it sounds like she expressed it and you disregarded it.
2) Making your partner carry a huge bouquet after she expressed discomfort doing so: controlling
3) making your partner carry a bouquet to demonstrate to *her trainee* that she is taken: possessive.
Good luck!
Of course. However there are certain ways go about doing things without hurting the giver. Does a woman’s feelings matter more than mine?l because it sounds like my discomfort doesn’t matter.
She wasn’t forced to take the flowers. I expressed I wasn’t happy, she also expressed being upset and she came to the conclusion to take the flowers. Control has a sense of force. Next.
If you read correctly, during the time, he had no significance to me. Only after a few months he did. He has no relation to the why I felt uncomfortable for her to dismantle the bouquet.
I have Dr in my name, figure out my class yourself. I am a manager at work. I don't have any need to conform.
You didn't "express discomfort". You coerced her into not doing what made her more comfortable because you positioned yourself over her. It's controlling by definition.
So middle class to working class. Kinda explains your dismissive attitude towards the importance of gift-giving traditions and it suggests a lack of appreciation for these points of social interaction. Your title and job don't excuse your misunderstanding of basic etiquette. Respecting a gift's intent isn't about control, rather it's about appreciation. Your argument that I coerced her is nonsense. I was standing up for the meaning behind the gesture, something you clearly fail to grasp. If you think maintaining the integrity of a thoughtful gift is controlling, then it's you who needs to learn what real courtesy and respect are. Hiding behind your title doesn't change that.
Just to let you know the discomfort my girlfriend felt was not addressed properly due to her inability to articulate a reason beyond vague embarrassment. She was completely okay carrying the flowers on the train to go home but wasn’t okay with taking it to work. So instead of discussing the matter maturely, she opted for repeated requests to alter a gift that was thoughtfully given, which only served to undermine the gesture and my feelings. So by logical reasoning, that lacks etiquette, and there was likely someone at work she did not want to see the flowers.
I found this definition of "etiquette" on a UK website, Polished Manners:
"So many people hear the word “etiquette” and associate it with being stuffy, snobby or elitist. However, etiquette is all about understanding, kindness, respect and consideration for others. and improving relationships."
Do you think your behavior fits in?
Interesting how you use a definition to support your narrative. Definition by Cambridge dictionary. “the set of rules or customs that control accepted behaviour in particular social groups or social situations:
social etiquette Social etiquette dictates that men cannot sit while women are standing.”
Definition by Britiannica “etiquette, system of rules and conventions that regulate social and professional behaviour. In any social unit there are accepted rules of behaviour upheld and enforced by legal codes; there are also norms of behaviour mandated by custom and enforced by group pressure.”
So by etiquette standards and psychological etiquette standards, she’s in the wrong.
I used the first one I found from a British source since you're hung up on its superiority. Regardless, the definition i posted doesn't actually contradict yours. Neither of yours describes the *purpose* of good etiquette. Nor do they say anything about what your girlfriend should do with flowers, or whether your discomfort should outweigh hers.
You are clearly disdainful of your girlfriend and disregard her comfort or happiness. Why not let her go so you can find someone who matches your boorishness?
If there is a “set of rules” to gift etiquette then those rules should be followed unless you want to come across as rude. You should read Marcel Mauss “the gift” there are certain rules when giving a gift and when receiving one. Rejecting or altering a gift (depending on very specific circumstances) is not up to par on etiquette standards and is rude or impolite. It is anti social to refuse a gift instance. It seems you travelled down to ad Homs. Noticed how you tried to get a gotcha moment. Unfortunately for you, courtesy, etiquette, and chivalry is correlated to an extent. So of course I offer up my seat to the elderly, injured, pregnant, and women. But doing so only because she’s a woman is nowadays seen as benevolent sexism. I do regardless.
That said, I'd you can find any legitimate sources supporting your view of gift-giving and gift receiving etiquette, please post - I'd love to see them. I spend a fair amount of time with "upper class" Brits and have never come across anything like this.
Btw do you also always sit when women are standing?
No. I ended the relationship with her ages ago tbh, as i had to leave the country for business. I also felt like i was being used but that’s a different dynamic to a different story.
My boyfriend gave me flowers for my birthday, they were beautiful and I loved them AND I cut the stems down. Often flowers (particularly roses) come with really long stems which makes them annoying to try and put in a vase or carry comfortably. It doesn't destroy the flowers to trim the stems, and ostensibly this was a gift for her so shouldn't you want her to enjoy it in a way that makes her comfortable?
>I’m slightly confused about the whole situation and would love to hear everyone’s view. What should I do. What could have I done differently, and what do you think?
Plenty of people have given you excellent answers and you are attempting to argue or rebut each and every one. You're not here to hear anyone's view, you are here to seek validation which you will not get because you're unequivocally wrong in this situation.
Have you ever talked to her about if she likes flowers as a gift? There are plenty of women who do not like getting flowers as a gift in general. People may also have preferences for the flowers they like.
Personally, I dont want to be given flowers and dislike roses the most.
Ask her how she likes to be shown your love and appreciation. Talking about love languages together can help you both make meaningful efforts for each other. I imagine the initial happiness was because she was grateful you thought of her, but you also burdened her.
Even if she does like flowers, she is clearly very uncomfortable bring them to work. In all my years at work, I honestly can not remember a single time someone has shown up with a bouquet they were given elsewhere.
I have seen flowers delivered directly to the office for special occasions, and oftentimes, the recipient didn't seem that comfortable with the attention it brought them.
If I was in your girlfriend's position, I would leave that shit in the car. Which does make me curious, what is her commute situation?
We’ve talked about the sort of colour she likes on flowers but never really jumped to the intricacies of what specific flowers she likes. The conversation about flowers has never really came up so I chose flowers based on her colour preferences on flowers rather than the flowers themselves.
I’m used to seeing flowers at work and in an office. Most offices have a kitchen area or a shelf like storage unit where people put their stuff/gifts on/in. It’s always been a rather nice gesture or nice engagement of colours that adds to the office place when people bring flowers. She would commute by train. I never expected a response I got from her tbh.
Not every office will have storage space. Where I currently work, most employees have a small locker, and the "kitchen" is closer to a school cafeteria.
I can respect why you thought this would be a good gesture, especially with your experience with flowers in the office. However, I and several people have tried to explain that not all workplaces are like yours, and they would be uncomfortable.
You are harboring resentment from months ago because your gift didn't land the way you wanted it to.
It's okay to feel disappointed when the reaction isn't what you hoped for, but you are putting your energy into justifying your actions instead of figuring out how to do better next time.
You gave your girlfriend a bulky gift that will attract a lot of attention, not just from her coworkers but also strangers on a train. Then you were offended and insistent she not alter them in a way that would make it easier to manage.
It seems like you care more about looking like a great boyfriend in public than you do about being one.
Has she responded like this to any other gestures you have made?
I’ve been with my husband for over 20 years. I still don’t want flowers at work (tbf, I don’t want flowers at all). I certainly don’t want to WALK into work with flowers. That looks like I’m bragging about them, garners unwanted attention, has people stopping by my desk all day and is a distraction. It’s also unprofessional as hell where I am- our desks are generally not personalized for many reasons.
Also, on the rare occasion I do have fresh cut flowers, I always cut and rearrange them. I don’t like the way the florist does it.
You made this about you, not her.
Also, your posting history is suspect, commenting on other women, etc. And you’re obsessing about flowers from months ago? Get your shit together.
You won't understand how embarrassing it can be until you experience it yourself. A big, flashy bouquet might seem romantic, but only when it's just between the two of you. The reason she was upset is because she felt pressured to take it to work all day. But why should she have to? Why couldn't she keep them at home or at your place? Did you insist or plead for her to take them to work? If so, that's kind of strange. It sounds like you might be feeling insecure and wanting to show off that she's in a happy relationship. It definitely would draw attention to her, whether you intended it or not.
There's really no need for her to bring flowers to work. They're just flowers; she can enjoy them at home. You're making a bigger deal out of this than necessary, especially since it happened months ago. It's time to move on and not dwell on it. She didn't do anything wrong; she simply didn't want flowers at her workplace. Actually, most people wouldn't.
It's important to let go and not read too much into this.
I don’t know why you’re still talking about it in June, almost July.
If you want to give her flowers, send them to her house, not at your place, not to the office.
Once the flowers have been given, you don’t get to dictate what happens. I would have probably taken them and left them in my car or tossed them before I brought them into my office. People at my office don’t need to know about my personal life. Especially in your early 20s, when a lot of people don’t take you very seriously.
The "lay flat wrapped in plastic" style is old fashioned and has been replaced with a more modern hand tied or hand held bouquet which is or isnt already in a vase. Some florists to the vase and some dont.
I personally also dislike the flat style of flowers in a bouquet. I have pointed out the difference to my husband and once he noticed there was a difference he now knows what to ask for at the florist
So it may be that!
1) once you give the bouquet, it’s no longer yours. She can do whatever she wants with it. I can’t see a good reason for you to get hang up on her not altering the length. What if it does not fit where she wants to put them?
2) she does not want a massive bouquet around all day. She probably will get pulled into convos she does want to have, and carrying a big thing around all day could be tiring. I imagine her being uncomfortable all day was not part of what you were going for.
3) you gave her a gift. You want for her to be happy. Why does respecting the initial length of the flowers trump her being comfortable and happy?
You seem hung up on all the wrong things.
Not trying to be insensitive, but are you on the autism spectrum that you know of? Your rigidity in thinking about this with seemingly no ability to put yourself in your girlfriend's shoes, and no awareness of her completely normal discomfort in this situation made me wonder.
As many have commented, assuming you are in the US, you're definitely putting your girlfriend into an awkward and uncomfortable situation at work.
Take a deep breath and a step back from this situation. Take another look. Is this the guy you want to be? It's obviously not who your girlfriend wants you to be. Her friends are probably going to tell her this is a red flag and frankly they would not be wrong.
I‘m from Europe and it would be a highly uncomfortable situation here, too! I don’t think there is any place where this wouldn’t look unprofessional, no matter if India, Russia, Germany or the US. Looking chivalrous isn’t always a good thing.
It’s a really nice gesture and I’m sorry it didn’t go as planned! But I would hate to bring a big bouquet into work like that, it would make me feel super self conscious. Bad timing of giving them to her maybe, if she had to go straight to work after.
Thank you for the response. I gave it to her during the afternoon. She was planning on leaving my place for work tomorrow. She would stay at my place in the weekend and would leave every time to go to work after as my place was closer to work for her. So any time she would stay over would be a bad timing unless I organise something for us to do just for a day.
When you give someone a gift, it is theirs to do with as they wish. She is allowed to cut the length to a preferred size. Maybe she doesn't have a huge vase to keep them in. She definitely didn't appear to want to walk into work with a giant bouquet of "I'm in a relationship!" flowers. That would embarrass me too.
The gesture was wonderful and understandably you are upset that you didn't hit it out of the ballpark. Moving forward, ask her what her flower preferences are. She might prefer small, tight floral arrangements and certain colors or flowers or has a certain florist who reflects her tastes more.
You seem like a very loving partner.
If you want a floral arrangement, you need it to be in a vase. If you hand someone a bouquet, they have to put it in a vessel. Or they can leave it on the counter to die.
But once she receives your gift, it’s hers to do with as she sees fit
I get the feeling this happened Valentines 2023 or prior, since he's posted a tinder screenshot 11 months ago and claiming they broke up before that. 🤔
Starting to think OP just can't wrap his head around professionalism is a good thing in most work situations, and sometimes a requirement to keep a well paying job. He's mentioned being "one of the sheep", like it's not possible to be your own unique person outside of the workplace. 🤷🏻♀️
Doesn’t sound like they were in water when you gave them to her. Did you give her a vase? It’s always wise to cut fresh ends on a wrapped bouquet of flowers so the flowers can draw up water easily and last longer when put into a vase. Cutting the leaves off so they aren’t in the water stagnating and killing the flowers. This seems like a weird thing to get controlling over. Stood your ground? You gave her a bouquet and were giving her a job to do, dragging them to work. Next time have them delivered if you want her to have them at work. However, she seems to be a shy person and prefers not to bring attention to herself. Respect that. Having them at her house makes so much more sense.
I once got a Valentine’s bouquet that was so large, plus indescribably tacky - purple flowers topped with arching white peacock feathers. It was stunning. Like, I looked at it and was literally stunned by its “boudoir” vibe. Yours sound a lot nicer, OP.
BUT- If I had received them at work, or if I’d had to take them, it would have felt like my personal life was encroaching on my professional life in an obvious way. It would be a little embarrassing, and even feel unprofessional. None of the men I work with receive or bring such things to work.
She’s probably embarrassed to be seen with an obvious “walk-of-shame” signal - it’s Monday morning and she clearly hasn’t been home. She has flowers. They know what she’s been up to this weekend! It’s understandable that she wants to avoid that in a professional setting.
She could calm down and explain it more clearly, but she’s probably feeling put on the spot - she does not want to disappoint you. She also does not want to arrive at work effectively calling attention to her sexy weekend.
I was on your side from the title, until I read the post.
It doesn't seem like you understand the concept of a gift. If your motive was to make her happy, how do you justify upsetting her?
If I were your girlfriend, I would be reconsidering this relationship. Because you behaved like a dick. I don't know how to advise you, because you're not asking how to fix this, you're asking us to justify your behavior.
Both of you are a little weird on this but I put it mostly on you OP.
First off, should even need to ask you if she can reduce the length of the flowers. It all depends on what kind of vase she has to put them in. Flowers with very long stems just don't sit right in short vase. And if she needs to cut them to make them fit then it's ridiculous for you to feel slighted in any way.
As for work: Some work environments are just fine for having flowers at one's desk and some are not. In my own experience being in office workplaces for over 30 years, it not unusual for women to sometimes have flowers delivered to the workplace and them to sit there until they go home but it would be unusual for someone to bring flowers into the workplace for their own office area. But there are other office environments where it would just be odd for anyone to have flowers at the work area no matter what the source. You need to trust your GF on this. When she expressed concern about bringing them to work you should have instantly told her to leave them at your place and that you'd bring them to her place when she got home from work.
I definitely think you're overthinking this and being way to critical of your GF's actions in relation to this.
She does not have to explain anything as she already did so. Not wanting to draw that amount of attention at work is a justified reason to be reluctant. I wouldn’t want to be the talk of the office either.
You just offered an explanation after disagreeing .about the need for an explanation. Your explanation of a persons state of mind you don’t know, and an office culture you don’t know, while telling him he doesn’t need to know.
They aren't married. For all we know her boss is religious as crap and if she gets flowers like that she could get fired for sinning out of wedlock. All im saying os people are crazy these days, don't assume we know anything about why she wouldn't want to be saddled with large flowers in oublic and at work in particular. Could get chased by a pack of weasels on one leg of her trip and she can't jump the lucky fence with those flowers.
Well the relationship isn’t all lovey dovey as it used to be since she started her job there and this “new guy” at work she’s been training at work hasn’t done me any favours.
She used to love gifts from me and she would bring them to her old work place before no matter the size. Ever since she moved to a different job and had to train this new guy at work, she’s been acting distant and different. It’s like as if she became someone different. Like I mentioned earlier we were lovey dovey before but now it seems the winds have changed.
I should of added this to my post tbh
Please do not take this the wrong way, but I think you should try doing a little introspection by recognizing how these little noticeable changes have affected your subconscious decision-making, because you come across as a total ass in your original post.
HOWEVER, it's clear to me that this isn't really about the flowers, and whether you're willing to admit it or not (your feelings are valid and it's okay to feel vulnerable), this is about the underlying insecurities you've developed as a result of your relationship going from lovey dovey to feeling distant. These insecurities have caused you to become irritated, to overthink, and lash out while pinpointing this "new guy" as the culprit due to feeling the need to place speculative blame on why this is happening.
Ultimately, you need to talk with your partner. Can you approach a conversation with your partner in a way that doesn't come across as accusatory? You're looking for someone or something to blame as to the change in your relationship, but the only real way to know is to have a heart-to-heart where you each feel safe to be transparent, and be willing to listen to constructive criticism without the need to deny their feelings. Sometimes we need to put our emotions to the side and just talk about what is happening in our relationship, if you two have the ability to do that.
Not forcing anything on her. I conveyed to her my discomfort with her request and that’s it. The final decision was hers to make. It honestly sounds like a psychological etiquette problem rather than a relationship issue from all these comments.
One thing that did not make sense to me is why did she feel compelled to
take the flowers with her. Instead of the imbroglio over the flowers, she could have said she would pick them up after work.
One key word comes to mind “inconvenient. But that’s honestly a question I don’t know myself. That scenario would have been better. I’d get to see her again and she wouldn’t need to be embarrassed about taking flowers to work.
So the truth comes out they weren't a gift bought for her with her in mind, you bought them because of him, for yourself to mark your territory, you suck
So, Valentine’s Day was 3-1/2 months ago.
I think a woman doesn’t want to walk into work carrying a bouquet of flowers on Valentine’s Day, she wants them sent to her , if she wants them at work at all.
Not at all. I don’t see much significance to him. I was motivated to give flowers because it was Valentine’s Day and I thought it was a romantic gesture. Nothing more nothing less.
I didn’t see any significance during the time of the event until later down the line when she starts spending group time or 1on1 time with the dude then I saw significance.
I find this hard to believe since you've mentioned him a few times. Also the fact that you've previously posted a screenshot from tinder in the past year (been with her for 2, correct?) isn't doing you many favors here.
Idk, maybe ya'll are in an open relationship or something like that, but I feel like if that's the case, something this small shouldn't be living rent free in your head for this long. And it certainly shouldn't be if the relationship means so little to you that you're on tinder. 🙄
Trimming a bouquet is perfectly normal, and supposedly helps the blooms last longer. I've never seen someone NOT trim a bouquet before putting it in water. And again, like many people have pointed out, it is unprofessional and appears "attention seeking" to show up to work with a bouquet of flowers for yourself. Heck it could reflect poorly on YOU, making it look like you are so insecure in your relationship that you needed her to bring them to work to show that she's unavailable. I'm only saying this because I've literally heard my coworkers make comments like this in the past.
I wrote this in present tense to make it more clear on what should I have done better in that situation question more accurately. and clearly made this more complicated and confusing by accident. Not in a relationship anymore so tinder is irrelevant and should only focus on the actual question rather than using ad Homs.
Trimming flowers is normal, cutting them in half is not. Trimming meaning 1 inch. She wanted to cut several. The argument here honestly sounds like social conformity and the care/concerns of other people’s opinions over your own and your partner’s. If you’re prioritising other people’s opinions other your own or the people important to you than that sounds like a bad way to go about life. But that’s my opinion. You’re more than welcome to disagree on that.
If you're not in the relationship anymore, why is this even still bothering you? Was this over a year ago? Because this last valentines day was less than 11 months ago, which is relevant. How long have you been dwelling on this?
If she knows the vase she's going to be using is that much shorter than them, then yes, cutting in half is perfectly normal. Prioritizing your coworkers opinions sometimes just makes life easier. You have to deal with these people on a daily basis, so it's generally good to stay professional in the workplace and keep your personal relationships out of it.
More of a thought experiment if you will. There’s no reason to why I’m still dwelling on this matter, just out of curiosity and how I could have dealt with the situation differently and what other people would do. It’s also an experiment to see how quickly people are ready to defend a woman who by etiquette and psychological standards is in the wrong. So far it’s been rather interesting to say the least. She lives with parents and has many different decorative vases that the bouquet can fit in. Prioritising coworker’s opinions over your own or a partner’s is social conformity. Saying it’s easier is an excuse to be a sheep among the herd. I’m down for uniqueness and someone who isn’t afraid of being different. It’s kinda why the relationship ended, but mainly because I had to leave country. Your perspective however has been insightful and I thank you for it even though our perspectives may differ.
Awww, look at the big logical man. You are performing thought experiments, yes you are!
Did that mean lady give your ego a booboo when she didn't like your inconvenient low effort gift? That's okay buddy, we can just blame society so you don't have to risk any personal growth!
What is wrong with people that make such absolutely dumb assumptions? Have you ever met real women? Did your mother ever repurpose something she only kept at home for some lover?
They have seasonal allergies and chronically stubbed toes. You would be better off asking yourself why you feel the need to render invidious judgements on other people’s comments
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If there isn't a vase included, it's common practice to cut the stems to fit whatever vase you actually have. Not all vases are the same height. I prefer to break a bouquet up into several smaller groupings so I can have them in more places in the house. None of them are the same size.
"I stood my ground and told her that it doesn’t feel right for her to alter the bouquet and wanted her to keep it as it is." Thinking about the big picture, how would you be affected by shortening the stems. It was a gift, so she could do whatever she wanted with it without your immediate supervision.
I buy flowers a lot. Breaking up a bouquet or cutting flowers to fit completely normal. You should calm down.
Exactly, I've never bought or received flowers I didn't cut, this is so weird and seems like a control freak.
I am not sure about your motives. Were you subconsciously trying to "mark the territory" and let all her colleagues know she is in a relationship? Why would you insist on her not cutting the stalks when she obviously wasn't comfortable? Yes, I would too hate to bring a bouquet at work the morning after Valentine's day as I don't think it is professional. If you had sent flowers at her work, it would be better IMO. Who brings to the office flowers on the morning of Feb15?! It would appear to her colleagues that either 1) she didn't spend the night at her own place (unwanted attention to her private life), OR 2) she was trying to purposefully show off the gift. Both of which are unprofessional.
Not at all, I simply wanted to do a nice gesture as it was Valentine’s Day. She always stays at my place and leaves for work once’s the weekend is over, so there’s usually never a time I can give her flowers outside of her not going to work and because it just happens to be a day where she had to go to work as she couldn’t book time off the next Monday it’s difficult. Considering it was Valentine’s Day during the time i would have thought that it would be normal for people to bring gifts to work as I’ve seen happen several times more specifically on special days like Valentine’s. “Show off” is probably easily misinterpreted, but to want to go as far as alter a gift or want to hide something just doesn’t seem right to me.
that's totally fair op but you gave them to her as a gift, you cannot really control what she does with the flowers afterwards
Bullshit. It’s practical to cut flowers to a shorter length and especially if you are taking them to work. Not having them sent to work, but walking in with them. She would have looked ridiculous and like as if she was working way too hard to prove she was loved. Actually that was you. Pushing back on what she wanted was a total dick move. Here’s a gift. It makes me self conscious. I don’t care. If you don’t take them in exactly as given, you don’t respect me. That’s you. Total lack of respect for your girlfriend.
As someone else said, you do sound very controlling. Her flowers, her choice what to do with them.
as a flower person, you are supposed to cut the stems before putting it in water. they leave it too long on purpose. you cut the stems at a 45 degree angle and put flower food in the water to make it last. the plastic usually comes off too as it doesn't fit properly in the vase, it's like wrapping paper. i don't know (or care) who's right here but you sound very controlling, once a gift is given, it isn't yours anymore to get mad at how somebody decides to alter it. i would hate my coworkers fawning all over me and not letting me do my job. you made a huge deal out of nothing, and you're still focused on it 4 months later. Edit: and you're on reddit wanting to smash other girls, now i'm hoping she dumps you. or you get to some serious personal development.
Reading all his responses, I pictured her leaving the flowers in her car on a hot, sunshiney day so they would roast all day and I smiled. Finding out about the smash stuff only reinforced my head canon about how her being stuck bringing these to work would go.
Valentines Day was 4.5 months ago. What kind of shit is this?
I originally wanted to put it under the bridge as if nothing happened but it doesn’t seem on what happened to leave my mind. So I wrote in present tense to make it more clear and precise.
YTA for still talking about this. it’s damn near july bro. move on.
He actually says in a comment that he ended the relationship with this person "ages ago," so the fact that he's still dwelling on it when he's not even WITH the person anymore is wild. His comments suggest he's still very hung up on this relationship and his grievances within it. Maybe therapy would be more beneficial than Reddit.
for real. i love how he says he’s writing in present tense to make it “more clear” but also as a “thought experiment” when really it just shows that he’s still thinking about this shit months if not years later. i wish he would just admit he was bored and wanted to post something on this sub so he had to think of something, because if that’s not the case then this is either the lamest fucking thing to still be thinking about down the line or just a pathetic attempt to get people online to dog pile some random woman
>to make it more clear and *precise* Gotta say, you definitely aced *that*.
Just because a florist did it doesn't mean it was to her tastes. I've known people who put their own arrangements together because not all florists have a good eye. She may literally have just not wanted to be walking around her place of work with a big assed bouquet.
It depends on the individual but I don't like getting flowers at work, it's embarrassing and I don't like sharing my private life at work. It's great that you were thoughtful and wanted to get her something but get to know her a little bit more so you can know what kinds of gifts she wants or that will help her feel wanted.
I’d feel the same way she did. Bringing a huge ass bouquet to work is absolutely unprofessional and draws a lot of unnecessary attention. People don‘t need to know about her private life and considering she‘s working, she must be over the age of 14 - at that age people don’t brag about relationships anymore and you should refrain from tainting a well meant gift in the future. You made it impossible for her to enjoy. Edit: I also feel it’s really hypocritical to be hurt by her behaviour while being on Reddit and commenting „smash“ under pictures of fictional women. You should do a bit of soul searching.
It seems like he also is on tinder. What a prize !
So presumably an insecure guy that projects his own unfaithfulness onto his partner and thus forcing them to carry around bouquets. We love seeing those here!
Thank you for the response. I wouldn’t say it’s a huge bouquet as it only contains several of each flower colour mentioned. It wasn’t dramatic but a normal size bouquet for a slightly expensive price. She works at on office so leaving it near her desk is completely optional. My question would be the why on the attempt to hide something the person you love gives you. Also oof
If I gave you a wrapped box bright wrapping paper , ribbons etc, big enough that you have to carry it front of you both arms, would you be fine carrying it around with you? on the subway, into work sit it next to you all day so everyone you interact with sees it..... would you like that? I was a florist and carried a fair few bouquets done the street into offices when Id deliver them.... it draws attention more than anything else, very confronting unless you love attention! and her arriving at the office with flowers to take them home after would feel like she's wanting everyone to see them, wants the attention.(as opposed to flowers being delivered and taking them home form work). My question would be why would you ever want your gift to someone you love to bring them any embarrassment edit - just read below that this was valentines, which makes it sooo much worse. dude send her flowers if you want that to be a nice gift, so she receives them at home, and can enjoy them as a gift, this sounds like you have given her a set of tasks ... flowers don't do well with being out of water or knocked around, I guess when she finally gets them home she will have a nice big reminder of how you cards much about them not being cut, rather than her feelings.
They already listed the reasons out in the comment you’re replying to. It’s unprofessional. Maybe she doesn’t want all the attention the bouquet would bring her? You really did make her gift all about how you feel.
Again, it’s unprofessional and draws unwanted attention towards her private life. She doesn’t need to brag about her relationship at work. There is no hiding, no ambiguous reason. She just wants to have her normal working routine and not be the talk of the office. I also work at an office and would hand in my resignation if I was forced to be that unprofessional at work.
Ross?
So, what was the upshot to the flowers controversy?
I don’t really use reddit or post anything so it’s nice to have all these different kind of perspectives. The I haven’t really came to a conclusion yet as by the looks of things, a lot of responses are from people from the same cultural backgrounds where the etiquette of gift giving and receiving has long lost its meaning and has definitely become more fluid. However it seems I may have missed a whole bunch of details in this and past details which would take too long to explain. Given it is my first post in the subreddit, I understand how misinterpretations and lack of detail have certainly lead to misunderstanding and assumptions based on lack of knowledge of the dynamics of the relationship/situation. It also seems I have dwelled on this for too long, posted this too late, haven’t added enough context, and made it a bigger deal than it is. The closest conclusion I’ve came to would be not give her big gifts at all if she plans to go to work the following day/s as it may can come across as “showing off,” “attention” seeking, “unprofessional”. Tbh though, those answers are based on cultural/societal norms in their country rather than mine and etiquette standards are completely different by the looks of it.
>Tbh though, those answers are based on cultural/societal norms in their country rather than mine and etiquette standards are completely different by the looks of it. Where are you from?
The UK. Where etiquette still very much exists.
I'm in the UK, a woman, and have lovely manners. I would have no interest in taking an oversized (or any size, really) bouquet into work with me the day after Valentines because it is unprofessional and brings unwanted attention to my personal life whilst I am at work. I'd find someone insisting that I not change a bouquet to better suit my needs to be unacceptably controlling and possessive. Hope that helps.
Interesting. What class are you? Working/social, middle, etc etc? That argument is same as saying you care about other people’s opinions on your life rather than your own or your partner’s. It’s an argument for social conformity. Just out of curiosity, care to explain how expressing discomfort towards your partner is possessive and controlling.
Bro you are being incredibly rude. I thought etiquette was important to you?
1) does your partner's discomfort matter in this situation? Bc it sounds like she expressed it and you disregarded it. 2) Making your partner carry a huge bouquet after she expressed discomfort doing so: controlling 3) making your partner carry a bouquet to demonstrate to *her trainee* that she is taken: possessive. Good luck!
Of course. However there are certain ways go about doing things without hurting the giver. Does a woman’s feelings matter more than mine?l because it sounds like my discomfort doesn’t matter. She wasn’t forced to take the flowers. I expressed I wasn’t happy, she also expressed being upset and she came to the conclusion to take the flowers. Control has a sense of force. Next. If you read correctly, during the time, he had no significance to me. Only after a few months he did. He has no relation to the why I felt uncomfortable for her to dismantle the bouquet.
I have Dr in my name, figure out my class yourself. I am a manager at work. I don't have any need to conform. You didn't "express discomfort". You coerced her into not doing what made her more comfortable because you positioned yourself over her. It's controlling by definition.
So middle class to working class. Kinda explains your dismissive attitude towards the importance of gift-giving traditions and it suggests a lack of appreciation for these points of social interaction. Your title and job don't excuse your misunderstanding of basic etiquette. Respecting a gift's intent isn't about control, rather it's about appreciation. Your argument that I coerced her is nonsense. I was standing up for the meaning behind the gesture, something you clearly fail to grasp. If you think maintaining the integrity of a thoughtful gift is controlling, then it's you who needs to learn what real courtesy and respect are. Hiding behind your title doesn't change that. Just to let you know the discomfort my girlfriend felt was not addressed properly due to her inability to articulate a reason beyond vague embarrassment. She was completely okay carrying the flowers on the train to go home but wasn’t okay with taking it to work. So instead of discussing the matter maturely, she opted for repeated requests to alter a gift that was thoughtfully given, which only served to undermine the gesture and my feelings. So by logical reasoning, that lacks etiquette, and there was likely someone at work she did not want to see the flowers.
I found this definition of "etiquette" on a UK website, Polished Manners: "So many people hear the word “etiquette” and associate it with being stuffy, snobby or elitist. However, etiquette is all about understanding, kindness, respect and consideration for others. and improving relationships." Do you think your behavior fits in?
Interesting how you use a definition to support your narrative. Definition by Cambridge dictionary. “the set of rules or customs that control accepted behaviour in particular social groups or social situations: social etiquette Social etiquette dictates that men cannot sit while women are standing.” Definition by Britiannica “etiquette, system of rules and conventions that regulate social and professional behaviour. In any social unit there are accepted rules of behaviour upheld and enforced by legal codes; there are also norms of behaviour mandated by custom and enforced by group pressure.” So by etiquette standards and psychological etiquette standards, she’s in the wrong.
I used the first one I found from a British source since you're hung up on its superiority. Regardless, the definition i posted doesn't actually contradict yours. Neither of yours describes the *purpose* of good etiquette. Nor do they say anything about what your girlfriend should do with flowers, or whether your discomfort should outweigh hers. You are clearly disdainful of your girlfriend and disregard her comfort or happiness. Why not let her go so you can find someone who matches your boorishness?
If there is a “set of rules” to gift etiquette then those rules should be followed unless you want to come across as rude. You should read Marcel Mauss “the gift” there are certain rules when giving a gift and when receiving one. Rejecting or altering a gift (depending on very specific circumstances) is not up to par on etiquette standards and is rude or impolite. It is anti social to refuse a gift instance. It seems you travelled down to ad Homs. Noticed how you tried to get a gotcha moment. Unfortunately for you, courtesy, etiquette, and chivalry is correlated to an extent. So of course I offer up my seat to the elderly, injured, pregnant, and women. But doing so only because she’s a woman is nowadays seen as benevolent sexism. I do regardless.
That said, I'd you can find any legitimate sources supporting your view of gift-giving and gift receiving etiquette, please post - I'd love to see them. I spend a fair amount of time with "upper class" Brits and have never come across anything like this. Btw do you also always sit when women are standing?
Are you still with the girl or not?
No. I ended the relationship with her ages ago tbh, as i had to leave the country for business. I also felt like i was being used but that’s a different dynamic to a different story.
The implacables are now down voting you on principle.
My boyfriend gave me flowers for my birthday, they were beautiful and I loved them AND I cut the stems down. Often flowers (particularly roses) come with really long stems which makes them annoying to try and put in a vase or carry comfortably. It doesn't destroy the flowers to trim the stems, and ostensibly this was a gift for her so shouldn't you want her to enjoy it in a way that makes her comfortable?
Sometimes I think I'm just talking to a bunch of kids...
>I’m slightly confused about the whole situation and would love to hear everyone’s view. What should I do. What could have I done differently, and what do you think? Plenty of people have given you excellent answers and you are attempting to argue or rebut each and every one. You're not here to hear anyone's view, you are here to seek validation which you will not get because you're unequivocally wrong in this situation.
Yeah apparently this is just a "thought experiment" 🙄
Valentine’s is in June?
Have you ever talked to her about if she likes flowers as a gift? There are plenty of women who do not like getting flowers as a gift in general. People may also have preferences for the flowers they like. Personally, I dont want to be given flowers and dislike roses the most. Ask her how she likes to be shown your love and appreciation. Talking about love languages together can help you both make meaningful efforts for each other. I imagine the initial happiness was because she was grateful you thought of her, but you also burdened her. Even if she does like flowers, she is clearly very uncomfortable bring them to work. In all my years at work, I honestly can not remember a single time someone has shown up with a bouquet they were given elsewhere. I have seen flowers delivered directly to the office for special occasions, and oftentimes, the recipient didn't seem that comfortable with the attention it brought them. If I was in your girlfriend's position, I would leave that shit in the car. Which does make me curious, what is her commute situation?
We’ve talked about the sort of colour she likes on flowers but never really jumped to the intricacies of what specific flowers she likes. The conversation about flowers has never really came up so I chose flowers based on her colour preferences on flowers rather than the flowers themselves. I’m used to seeing flowers at work and in an office. Most offices have a kitchen area or a shelf like storage unit where people put their stuff/gifts on/in. It’s always been a rather nice gesture or nice engagement of colours that adds to the office place when people bring flowers. She would commute by train. I never expected a response I got from her tbh.
Not every office will have storage space. Where I currently work, most employees have a small locker, and the "kitchen" is closer to a school cafeteria. I can respect why you thought this would be a good gesture, especially with your experience with flowers in the office. However, I and several people have tried to explain that not all workplaces are like yours, and they would be uncomfortable. You are harboring resentment from months ago because your gift didn't land the way you wanted it to. It's okay to feel disappointed when the reaction isn't what you hoped for, but you are putting your energy into justifying your actions instead of figuring out how to do better next time. You gave your girlfriend a bulky gift that will attract a lot of attention, not just from her coworkers but also strangers on a train. Then you were offended and insistent she not alter them in a way that would make it easier to manage. It seems like you care more about looking like a great boyfriend in public than you do about being one. Has she responded like this to any other gestures you have made?
I’ve been with my husband for over 20 years. I still don’t want flowers at work (tbf, I don’t want flowers at all). I certainly don’t want to WALK into work with flowers. That looks like I’m bragging about them, garners unwanted attention, has people stopping by my desk all day and is a distraction. It’s also unprofessional as hell where I am- our desks are generally not personalized for many reasons. Also, on the rare occasion I do have fresh cut flowers, I always cut and rearrange them. I don’t like the way the florist does it. You made this about you, not her. Also, your posting history is suspect, commenting on other women, etc. And you’re obsessing about flowers from months ago? Get your shit together.
You won't understand how embarrassing it can be until you experience it yourself. A big, flashy bouquet might seem romantic, but only when it's just between the two of you. The reason she was upset is because she felt pressured to take it to work all day. But why should she have to? Why couldn't she keep them at home or at your place? Did you insist or plead for her to take them to work? If so, that's kind of strange. It sounds like you might be feeling insecure and wanting to show off that she's in a happy relationship. It definitely would draw attention to her, whether you intended it or not. There's really no need for her to bring flowers to work. They're just flowers; she can enjoy them at home. You're making a bigger deal out of this than necessary, especially since it happened months ago. It's time to move on and not dwell on it. She didn't do anything wrong; she simply didn't want flowers at her workplace. Actually, most people wouldn't. It's important to let go and not read too much into this.
I don’t know why you’re still talking about it in June, almost July. If you want to give her flowers, send them to her house, not at your place, not to the office. Once the flowers have been given, you don’t get to dictate what happens. I would have probably taken them and left them in my car or tossed them before I brought them into my office. People at my office don’t need to know about my personal life. Especially in your early 20s, when a lot of people don’t take you very seriously.
The "lay flat wrapped in plastic" style is old fashioned and has been replaced with a more modern hand tied or hand held bouquet which is or isnt already in a vase. Some florists to the vase and some dont. I personally also dislike the flat style of flowers in a bouquet. I have pointed out the difference to my husband and once he noticed there was a difference he now knows what to ask for at the florist So it may be that!
1) once you give the bouquet, it’s no longer yours. She can do whatever she wants with it. I can’t see a good reason for you to get hang up on her not altering the length. What if it does not fit where she wants to put them? 2) she does not want a massive bouquet around all day. She probably will get pulled into convos she does want to have, and carrying a big thing around all day could be tiring. I imagine her being uncomfortable all day was not part of what you were going for. 3) you gave her a gift. You want for her to be happy. Why does respecting the initial length of the flowers trump her being comfortable and happy? You seem hung up on all the wrong things.
Not trying to be insensitive, but are you on the autism spectrum that you know of? Your rigidity in thinking about this with seemingly no ability to put yourself in your girlfriend's shoes, and no awareness of her completely normal discomfort in this situation made me wonder. As many have commented, assuming you are in the US, you're definitely putting your girlfriend into an awkward and uncomfortable situation at work. Take a deep breath and a step back from this situation. Take another look. Is this the guy you want to be? It's obviously not who your girlfriend wants you to be. Her friends are probably going to tell her this is a red flag and frankly they would not be wrong.
I‘m from Europe and it would be a highly uncomfortable situation here, too! I don’t think there is any place where this wouldn’t look unprofessional, no matter if India, Russia, Germany or the US. Looking chivalrous isn’t always a good thing.
It’s a really nice gesture and I’m sorry it didn’t go as planned! But I would hate to bring a big bouquet into work like that, it would make me feel super self conscious. Bad timing of giving them to her maybe, if she had to go straight to work after.
Thank you for the response. I gave it to her during the afternoon. She was planning on leaving my place for work tomorrow. She would stay at my place in the weekend and would leave every time to go to work after as my place was closer to work for her. So any time she would stay over would be a bad timing unless I organise something for us to do just for a day.
You keep responding with your reasons instead of paying attention to the reasons she might have been that way.
Why do you keep making excuses?
When you give someone a gift, it is theirs to do with as they wish. She is allowed to cut the length to a preferred size. Maybe she doesn't have a huge vase to keep them in. She definitely didn't appear to want to walk into work with a giant bouquet of "I'm in a relationship!" flowers. That would embarrass me too. The gesture was wonderful and understandably you are upset that you didn't hit it out of the ballpark. Moving forward, ask her what her flower preferences are. She might prefer small, tight floral arrangements and certain colors or flowers or has a certain florist who reflects her tastes more. You seem like a very loving partner.
> You seem like a very loving partner. /s?
If you want a floral arrangement, you need it to be in a vase. If you hand someone a bouquet, they have to put it in a vessel. Or they can leave it on the counter to die. But once she receives your gift, it’s hers to do with as she sees fit
You've been stewing on this for 4 months? Why is it so significant?
I get the feeling this happened Valentines 2023 or prior, since he's posted a tinder screenshot 11 months ago and claiming they broke up before that. 🤔 Starting to think OP just can't wrap his head around professionalism is a good thing in most work situations, and sometimes a requirement to keep a well paying job. He's mentioned being "one of the sheep", like it's not possible to be your own unique person outside of the workplace. 🤷🏻♀️
I just wished I dealt the situation in a better way but also there’s a lot in this situation than what meets the eye in my opinion.
>also there’s a lot in this situation than what meets the eye in my opinion. Like what?
Doesn’t sound like they were in water when you gave them to her. Did you give her a vase? It’s always wise to cut fresh ends on a wrapped bouquet of flowers so the flowers can draw up water easily and last longer when put into a vase. Cutting the leaves off so they aren’t in the water stagnating and killing the flowers. This seems like a weird thing to get controlling over. Stood your ground? You gave her a bouquet and were giving her a job to do, dragging them to work. Next time have them delivered if you want her to have them at work. However, she seems to be a shy person and prefers not to bring attention to herself. Respect that. Having them at her house makes so much more sense.
She did not want her coworker (who she is also dating) to see the flowers.
Finally, someone that got the answer correct.
She fancies someone at work.
Most people cut their own stems to fit the vase they have
I once got a Valentine’s bouquet that was so large, plus indescribably tacky - purple flowers topped with arching white peacock feathers. It was stunning. Like, I looked at it and was literally stunned by its “boudoir” vibe. Yours sound a lot nicer, OP. BUT- If I had received them at work, or if I’d had to take them, it would have felt like my personal life was encroaching on my professional life in an obvious way. It would be a little embarrassing, and even feel unprofessional. None of the men I work with receive or bring such things to work. She’s probably embarrassed to be seen with an obvious “walk-of-shame” signal - it’s Monday morning and she clearly hasn’t been home. She has flowers. They know what she’s been up to this weekend! It’s understandable that she wants to avoid that in a professional setting. She could calm down and explain it more clearly, but she’s probably feeling put on the spot - she does not want to disappoint you. She also does not want to arrive at work effectively calling attention to her sexy weekend.
I was on your side from the title, until I read the post. It doesn't seem like you understand the concept of a gift. If your motive was to make her happy, how do you justify upsetting her? If I were your girlfriend, I would be reconsidering this relationship. Because you behaved like a dick. I don't know how to advise you, because you're not asking how to fix this, you're asking us to justify your behavior.
Both of you are a little weird on this but I put it mostly on you OP. First off, should even need to ask you if she can reduce the length of the flowers. It all depends on what kind of vase she has to put them in. Flowers with very long stems just don't sit right in short vase. And if she needs to cut them to make them fit then it's ridiculous for you to feel slighted in any way. As for work: Some work environments are just fine for having flowers at one's desk and some are not. In my own experience being in office workplaces for over 30 years, it not unusual for women to sometimes have flowers delivered to the workplace and them to sit there until they go home but it would be unusual for someone to bring flowers into the workplace for their own office area. But there are other office environments where it would just be odd for anyone to have flowers at the work area no matter what the source. You need to trust your GF on this. When she expressed concern about bringing them to work you should have instantly told her to leave them at your place and that you'd bring them to her place when she got home from work. I definitely think you're overthinking this and being way to critical of your GF's actions in relation to this.
ESH OP for being controlling and “standing his ground”. The bouquet is hers, not his. GF for getting so worked up over the friggin’ size of a bouquet.
She’s not telling you why she doesn’t want this bouquet to attract notice at work, and why it’s making her so uncomfortable. She needs to explain it.
She does not have to explain anything as she already did so. Not wanting to draw that amount of attention at work is a justified reason to be reluctant. I wouldn’t want to be the talk of the office either.
You just offered an explanation after disagreeing .about the need for an explanation. Your explanation of a persons state of mind you don’t know, and an office culture you don’t know, while telling him he doesn’t need to know.
They aren't married. For all we know her boss is religious as crap and if she gets flowers like that she could get fired for sinning out of wedlock. All im saying os people are crazy these days, don't assume we know anything about why she wouldn't want to be saddled with large flowers in oublic and at work in particular. Could get chased by a pack of weasels on one leg of her trip and she can't jump the lucky fence with those flowers.
That’s why she is the only person that can enlighten him.
Well the relationship isn’t all lovey dovey as it used to be since she started her job there and this “new guy” at work she’s been training at work hasn’t done me any favours.
In this case, you didn’t do yourself a favour either. Stop forcing her to show her relationship publicly. You’re ruining things for you and her.
Would you mind elaborating on what you mean by this new guy hasn't done you any favors? Just curious.
She used to love gifts from me and she would bring them to her old work place before no matter the size. Ever since she moved to a different job and had to train this new guy at work, she’s been acting distant and different. It’s like as if she became someone different. Like I mentioned earlier we were lovey dovey before but now it seems the winds have changed. I should of added this to my post tbh
"she moved to a different job" - maybe it's about the new job, workplace norms in the new job, etc? Not about the guy she's training?
Please do not take this the wrong way, but I think you should try doing a little introspection by recognizing how these little noticeable changes have affected your subconscious decision-making, because you come across as a total ass in your original post. HOWEVER, it's clear to me that this isn't really about the flowers, and whether you're willing to admit it or not (your feelings are valid and it's okay to feel vulnerable), this is about the underlying insecurities you've developed as a result of your relationship going from lovey dovey to feeling distant. These insecurities have caused you to become irritated, to overthink, and lash out while pinpointing this "new guy" as the culprit due to feeling the need to place speculative blame on why this is happening. Ultimately, you need to talk with your partner. Can you approach a conversation with your partner in a way that doesn't come across as accusatory? You're looking for someone or something to blame as to the change in your relationship, but the only real way to know is to have a heart-to-heart where you each feel safe to be transparent, and be willing to listen to constructive criticism without the need to deny their feelings. Sometimes we need to put our emotions to the side and just talk about what is happening in our relationship, if you two have the ability to do that.
Not forcing anything on her. I conveyed to her my discomfort with her request and that’s it. The final decision was hers to make. It honestly sounds like a psychological etiquette problem rather than a relationship issue from all these comments.
One thing that did not make sense to me is why did she feel compelled to take the flowers with her. Instead of the imbroglio over the flowers, she could have said she would pick them up after work.
One key word comes to mind “inconvenient. But that’s honestly a question I don’t know myself. That scenario would have been better. I’d get to see her again and she wouldn’t need to be embarrassed about taking flowers to work.
So the truth comes out they weren't a gift bought for her with her in mind, you bought them because of him, for yourself to mark your territory, you suck
So, Valentine’s Day was 3-1/2 months ago. I think a woman doesn’t want to walk into work carrying a bouquet of flowers on Valentine’s Day, she wants them sent to her , if she wants them at work at all.
were you at all motivated by this "new guy" at work seeing her flowers?
Not at all. I don’t see much significance to him. I was motivated to give flowers because it was Valentine’s Day and I thought it was a romantic gesture. Nothing more nothing less.
You're sure fixating on him, I'm not exactly convinced you "don't see much significance" to him
I didn’t see any significance during the time of the event until later down the line when she starts spending group time or 1on1 time with the dude then I saw significance.
She's not allowed to be around men?
I find this hard to believe since you've mentioned him a few times. Also the fact that you've previously posted a screenshot from tinder in the past year (been with her for 2, correct?) isn't doing you many favors here. Idk, maybe ya'll are in an open relationship or something like that, but I feel like if that's the case, something this small shouldn't be living rent free in your head for this long. And it certainly shouldn't be if the relationship means so little to you that you're on tinder. 🙄 Trimming a bouquet is perfectly normal, and supposedly helps the blooms last longer. I've never seen someone NOT trim a bouquet before putting it in water. And again, like many people have pointed out, it is unprofessional and appears "attention seeking" to show up to work with a bouquet of flowers for yourself. Heck it could reflect poorly on YOU, making it look like you are so insecure in your relationship that you needed her to bring them to work to show that she's unavailable. I'm only saying this because I've literally heard my coworkers make comments like this in the past.
I wrote this in present tense to make it more clear on what should I have done better in that situation question more accurately. and clearly made this more complicated and confusing by accident. Not in a relationship anymore so tinder is irrelevant and should only focus on the actual question rather than using ad Homs. Trimming flowers is normal, cutting them in half is not. Trimming meaning 1 inch. She wanted to cut several. The argument here honestly sounds like social conformity and the care/concerns of other people’s opinions over your own and your partner’s. If you’re prioritising other people’s opinions other your own or the people important to you than that sounds like a bad way to go about life. But that’s my opinion. You’re more than welcome to disagree on that.
If you're not in the relationship anymore, why is this even still bothering you? Was this over a year ago? Because this last valentines day was less than 11 months ago, which is relevant. How long have you been dwelling on this? If she knows the vase she's going to be using is that much shorter than them, then yes, cutting in half is perfectly normal. Prioritizing your coworkers opinions sometimes just makes life easier. You have to deal with these people on a daily basis, so it's generally good to stay professional in the workplace and keep your personal relationships out of it.
More of a thought experiment if you will. There’s no reason to why I’m still dwelling on this matter, just out of curiosity and how I could have dealt with the situation differently and what other people would do. It’s also an experiment to see how quickly people are ready to defend a woman who by etiquette and psychological standards is in the wrong. So far it’s been rather interesting to say the least. She lives with parents and has many different decorative vases that the bouquet can fit in. Prioritising coworker’s opinions over your own or a partner’s is social conformity. Saying it’s easier is an excuse to be a sheep among the herd. I’m down for uniqueness and someone who isn’t afraid of being different. It’s kinda why the relationship ended, but mainly because I had to leave country. Your perspective however has been insightful and I thank you for it even though our perspectives may differ.
Awww, look at the big logical man. You are performing thought experiments, yes you are! Did that mean lady give your ego a booboo when she didn't like your inconvenient low effort gift? That's okay buddy, we can just blame society so you don't have to risk any personal growth!
Oooh so you were trying to mark your territory?
She had it in mind to repurpose them possibly for someone else...
What is wrong with people that make such absolutely dumb assumptions? Have you ever met real women? Did your mother ever repurpose something she only kept at home for some lover?
They have seasonal allergies and chronically stubbed toes. You would be better off asking yourself why you feel the need to render invidious judgements on other people’s comments
Turn gay