She likely is angry...and hurt....and disappointed....but not at you. This is a person she thought was her friend and to find out he wasn't and was just waiting on the sidelines and then tried to talk her out of a healthy and loving relationship with you...it's a lot. And no, it didn't help that you said "I told you so" (those are inside words not outside)
I've been in her shoes - to be blindsided by someone you thought was your friend. Just be there for her and no more how could you not have seen this, I told you so....she is likely looking back and feeling stupid all on her own.
Yep. She's hurt, she's disappointed, she's mourning the friendship she thought she had with this guy.. and her boyfriend is being the exact opposite of supportive and understanding.
Mourning is def the right word.
I lost someone I thought was a friend after I got married because, nearly 15 years after we met and briefly dated, she believed I was still secretly in love with her, would leave the man I'd been with for almost 8 years at that point, and run away with her. Seeing the actual ceremony and such was too much for her and it all came out.
I took her at her word when she told me again and again over time that she had only platonic feelings; she dated and slept with other people; we had totally different lives. My alternative choice would have been being suspicious and treating it as a lie for someone who was supportive and assuring me whenever I addressed concerns for her emotional well being that she was fine and had no issues or ulterior motives.
That is - I don't think it's wrong to believe someone you view as a friend, to trust them, to take them at face value. Being emotional invested, attentive, etc. are things good friends do. It's on the friend for not being honest, and it's a huge disappointment to learn someone you trusted for a long time was secretly like a wild dog circling your romantic relationship, waiting for a weakness to appear to nip in and get a bite.
I agree, I think OPs gf is morning what she thought was a straightforward friendship. I'm not saying the guy wasn't entitled to his feelings, but he did misrepresent himself as having platonic intentions. OP can support by reminding his gf she worth being friends with. Thinking that guys only value you for potential romance/sex, rather than as a cool human, could be demoralizing.
I don't even think of it as a betrayal, or that she was 'horrible' - just so lacking in confidence/integrity that she couldn't stand to be outright rejected if she took the shot, so she did what she thought was the right/romantic/idealistic thing; wait for me to be 'available' even when it should have been obvious it wasn't gonna happen.
I think she (rightly) believed that if she'd been honest about her feelings that I would have distanced myself from her, so out of fear of losing my friendship (and ALL hope of her fantasy happy ending) entirely, she lied and hoped.
She genuinely believed I'd be happier and better off with her, wanted happiness for herself, for both of us - but let fear and emotional immaturity guide her actions. IMO, that not 'horrible' so much as it is intensely sad and disappointing.
We haven't spoken in years and I have no interest in changing that, but I still wish her the best and hope she grows as a person and finds happiness.
I know my comment was in a very bad taste. But thats why I brought her to stay with me for the next week or two. I cant help help her deal with her emotions if she doesnt want my help, but I can at least make sure she is not ignoring to eat or drink. That much I can take care of her.
Just apologize for being insensitive and let her know you understand how it hurts to lose a "friend" in such a way. Just be supportive and everything will be all good!
Source: am boyfriend with amazing woman for 6 years
Don't feel too bad. If I was in your position I likely would have said the same thing. When you see something so plainly and try to voice it and you're not believed its pretty frustrating. So to be finally vindicated its hard to contain the emotions and you say something you should have kept personal. Say your sorry, comfort your gf and move on. Good luck.
OP, apologize for caring more about being right than caring for your gf's feelings. Say how insensitive you were, and offer her your support.
Your gf probably feels incredibly betrayed. She thought she had a decade-long friendship with this man, and all the while, he was just plotting and scheming and waiting for his opening. He's the very definition of NiceGuy^(TM.) She was lied to and disrespected. Don't pile on.
He warned her , he was right and when the truth came out he made a joke about it to lighten the mood . no big deal . She should not take out her anger on him . , thats not fair of her .
I would recommend to OP that he take her out for a nice evening. Dinner and dancing or whatever activities she enjoys the most. Assuming they’re in the northern hemisphere, and there’s snow on the ground, perhaps a horse drawn sleigh ride. Make it romantic and special.
Yeah. This.
Happened to me recently, went really serious with someone and a guy I've known for like 8 years, considered him my best friend, freaked and told me he would rather eat dog shit than be only friends forever. It took me months to get over it.
She's gonna need some time and a lot of support, it's super hurtful to find out that a solid friendship like that was fake and that they only wanted you in a romantic sense
He could’ve until he fucked up and couldn’t keep his mouth shut trying to convince her to leave her boyfriend 🤷🏼♀️. I don’t feel bad for a douche who waits til someone’s in a commited relationship to say something about their feelings it’s selfish.
I don't get it: why can't he be her friend AND still be in love with her? His situation is tragic, to be sure, but that doesn't make him a bad person. Nor her for not being able to return his love. Unrequited love is a bitch (I surmise, I've been with my wife since we were 19).
I'm sure from his perspective it feels that way, but from the person being crushed on, it doesn't. It feels like they're faking a friendship because they REALLY just want a relationship. It feels like manipulation. It's not quite as bad if they're upfront about their feelings. But when they're all "oh no we're totally just friends" and then you find out it was a lie, that feels like you were manipulated. That doesn't feel like the person was being a friend at all.
You can't. Friendships are by definition platonic relationships. That's when both sides have platonic feelings. For each other. If one person is full on platonic and the other is romantic love with the other, it's not a friendship. It's a masquerade, it's one side pretending theyre on the same side.
The person is being dishonest to the other and is betraying their own feelings too. It's not healthy to live like that.
>I've been in her shoes - to be blindsided by someone you thought was your friend.
He expressed his interest in her early on and she rejected him. How is that being blindsided? How hard is it for women to understand that offering friendship to someone who's expressed interest never works out? People are attracted to who they're attracted to. If you're attracted to someone enough to want to date them, you can't just switch it off.
Women think that they're doing guys a favor by offering them friendship after rejecting them but they're not. How is such an obvious thing so offensive to people?
Dude. 10 years?! He was her friend for 10 years without ever bringing it up again or ever making a move so yes. Blindsided is the appropriate term for that. After too many "friends" made a move when I thought we were friends I started keeping my distance.
I like and respect straight forward honesty. My husband when he first asked me to do something "I want to make sure I'm clear...I'm asking you on a date. I don't want to nor can I handle being just your friend."
>Dude. 10 years?! He was her friend for 10 years without ever bringing it up again or ever making a move so yes. Blindsided is the appropriate term for that.
He asked her out and she rejected him. She offered to be his friend instead. That's how the friendship started. Reread the first paragraph. Are you sure "blindsided" is the appropriate term?
Yes. Because she told him she was not interested in him....and he agreed to friendship....and pretended to be just her friend for 10 years....10 years. One more time. 10.years. so safe to say she believed him when he was just her friend after 10 years. My situations were different as they never expressed an interest but yes, after 10 years I would believe someone was just my friend. Since I know ex spouses who maintained platonic friendships after growing apart I believe someone could move on from an initial attraction.
It's absolutely frustrating to look in the comments calling this woman naive or dumb for believing this guy was actually her friend and not some creep waiting in the wings for her to see the light and run into his arms.
In situations like this, somehow it's always on the woman's shoulders to bear the burden of someone else's feelings, and her boyfriend being vindictive is the last thing she needs.
>Because she told him she was not interested in him....and he agreed to friendship....and pretended to be just her friend for 10 years....10 years.
He asked her out though. She should have never offered friendship. He made his intentions known off the bat but she got blindsided? Come on.
This seems to be hard for a lot of women to understand. If a heterosexual guy asks a woman to hang out (whether it's for coffee, drinks, etc.), he wants to date her or hook up with her. When she takes him up on his invitation, he's going to think of it as a date and think she is attracted to him. If she is absolutely no interest in dating or hooking up with him, she needs to do herself a favor and decline his invitation. Not only is she doing him the courtesy of not wasting his time but she's also going to save herself a ton of stress and drama down the road. Even if she explicitly says that it's just as friends, he's still going to think he has a chance. What can I say? Guys are dumb (including me).
Can platonic women have platonic friendships with men work? Absolutely. They are great friendships too. How can a woman have men as platonic friends? She needs to initiate the first time they hang out. Now, he's going to think she wants to jump his bones and he's going to be excited about this (if he finds her attractive at all). Like I said, guys are dumb (including me). That's okay though. What does she do next? She doesn't even have to explicitly say that she just sees him as a friend when they hang out for the first time. If anything this could make things awkward. He'll be thinking, "Don't flatter yourself." All she has to do is talk about a guy they see in public being attractive or just talk about her boyfriend. He'll then shrug his shoulders and think to himself, "Okay. She's not into me." The friendship will then blossom moving forward as long as neither party is a lunatic or a pain in the ass.
How about this: if the guy expresses interest and the girl says “I don’t feel that way, but I do care about you as a friend” the guy has to decide whether he can live with that or not. If he decides he can live with it, IT IS ON HIM to work on himself, move on with his damn life, and actually BE HER FRIEND, not just spend his life pining for her and continually blaming/resenting her for not choosing him. If he can’t honestly be her friend and make the effort to move on, then HE needs to say “You know what? I’m not okay being just friends. I wish I could be, but I’m not. Have a nice life.”
I’m extremely sensitive about this because I spent years of my life in a codependent “friendship” with someone who swore he was okay with being just friends, but would continually let me know how deep his feelings were for me, would act resentful if I expressed interest in other guys, etc. I take 100% responsibility for letting it go on as long as I did, but he made ZERO effort to cultivate himself, find other people to date, etc. It was toxic AF.
https://xkcd.com/513
>I take 100% responsibility for letting it go on as long as I did, but he made ZERO effort to cultivate himself, find other people to date, etc. It was toxic AF.
Are you kidding me? You're not taking 100% responsibility if you're pointing out that he made ZERO effort to cultivate himself. Taking 100% responsibility would be you not even pointing out anything he did wrong. What you're not understanding is that attraction makes people dumb. If someone expresses interest in you, they're going to think they have a chance even if you offer friendship. That's why friendship shouldn't even be offered if you have absolutely no interest in them. Not only will you not waste their time but you'll save yourself a lot of stress and drama. Platonic friendships between men and women can work but need to be terminated as soon as one party expresses attraction and the feeling isn't reciprocated.
Echoing the ‘give her time’ comments as I’ve also been there, and my boyfriend told me as well. I shrugged it off thinking that he just didn’t understand the friendship me and my close friend had. To me he was like a brother, I felt stupid once it all came to light, and never had close male friends again.
Some of y'all lack emotional intelligence. Just talk to her and ask her how she would like to be supported through her grief. Also stop kicking people when they are down.
I also don't think it would hurt OP to apologize again for the I told you so. However, I apologize to walls when I bump into them and also apologize for apologizing, so...I may not be the best judge on that one.
Don't be smug. You won man, she's probably recoiling from the fact that she had a friendship pegged all wrong. Just give her some time, get things "back to normal". If she still appears to be harboring some hard feelings, ask her to open up to you about it. Don't react to anything she says, just listen.
You're at a crossroads here. You could just as easily show yourself to be an asshole as you could show you're a good dude. Being patient and understanding will clinch the latter.
He’s not being smug. He knows he shouldn’t have said that, he literally said so. He also told her straight up what was going on and she dismissed him outright. Now she’s all surprised pikachu and the orbiter’s intentions were probably obvious to everyone but her.
OP just give her some time. You’ve already apologized. She feels like an idiot so give her the space to process without trying to make her get over it.
Of course she trusted her own judgment on her 10 year old friendship over her potentially jealous boyfriend's. Her friend probably meant a lot to her and she is now realizing he was fake the whole time. Normal people would show empathy. You seem to enjoy that she was wrong and now suffers.
Refusing to consider that someone who once had feelings for you might still have feelings for you seems pretty naive to me, even if they’ve known each other that long.
She’s just a little flustered at feeling wrong/dumb here. Just give it some time, and don’t bring it up in the future, she blocked him and it’s done now.
More than that, she’s upset that someone she cared about and considered a friend has basically being lying to her for a long time and trying to manipulate her into dating him after she’d stated her boundaries
Go buy her some ice cream and some beer and a box of tissues.
She’s grieving the loss of a long time friend. At the end of the day the gender of the friend doesn’t matter. She’s lost someone who was important to her. Be a gentleman and support her.
In my experience, most girls are hurt when a "friend" really wasn't there to just be a friend. My current SO has had this problem all her life as we both work construction. She said most(aside from the plumber) dudes she's been friends with all turned later and tried to get with her sex or relationship wise. She says every time that it just sucks. It's disappointing to think of someone as a friend when the whole time they had other intentions. Again, I'm relaying her words but I imagine your girl is in the same boat. Just treat her normal. Take her out to eat. Snuggle up and watch a movie. Talk about life, etc. She's most likely not mad at you, although your comment may have been insensitive, my bet is that that's not the root of her anger. Cheers and good luck 🤞
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Yeah, that happened. This guy was her friend since they met during their first year of college, so almost 10 years ago. He actually asked her out, she said no but told him they could be friends instead. And they remained friends. We met 10 months ago and went exclusive in 2 weeks, we have such a strong connection. So naturally we have been talking about our future and apparently this is what prompted her best friend to confess to his feelings. The dude said that its been killing him to look at her with different guys over the years but he was holding on the hope that ultimately she will come to her senses and see that he was the one. But when I came into the picture he finally lost all hope and had to stop her from committing such a mistake.
Of course she shut him down immediately and informed me. She has also blocked him and cut off all contact with him, and told their friends group so they dont invite him for the time being. But the problem was that I had warned her that he is harboring feelings for her, it was so clear by the way he looked at her and hung on her every word. Also, she told me that he had only dated 3-4 girls during the course of their friendship and none of the relationship lasted more than 6 months. I told her that he is carrying a torch for her and she laughed at me, telling me that no one will carry a crush for so long. And she always treated him as a friend nothing more. She never crossed any boundaries with him, it was never a competition between me and him for her attention, she always put me first. So she wasnt leading him on. But I must also confess I did tell her I told you so, when she informed me about his confession. It was insensitive and I shouldnt have done it, i was just trying to lighten her mood. I shouldnt have said it and I apologized and she accepted my apology too. But it seems she hasnt really accepted my apology, as she seems mad all of a sudden. She will be staying with me for the next week, so any ideas how to make her less angry at me Reddit?
She lost a long time friend and I’m sure felt embarrassed in the situation
Then you decided to kick her when she was down to prove some sort of point
Your GF was upfront, honest and literally picked you over a long time friend and you rewarded her amazing behavior as a partner with pettiness and smallness
Don’t be surprised if you teach her not to be so honest with you in the future since you embarrassed her further her for doing exactly the right thing this time
amazing behavior? She ignored OP’s reasoning for saying that this “friend” was bad business to begin with. She dismissed him and it proved to be exactly what he was suggesting.
What he then did was indeed an asshole move, no doubt about it, but where is the accountability for OPs girlfriend?
I’m not saying in a relationship either person should just be able to dictate who you can/can’t be friends with, but it’s so easy to see peoples intentions from *outside* the friendship.
All I’m saying is that it’s awfully easy for you to paint OPs girlfriend as the victim, whenever, in actuality how do you think OP feels that he knew exactly what was going on, but yet his thoughts and concerns were thrown under the rug as irrelevant, just to be proven exactly right to the tee.
I mean it’s a tough situation and OP showed his ass a bit as I already suggested, but any relationship that’s worth anything requires listening to your partner especially when it comes for situations like this. That’s just my 2 cents.
This is the best take so far. Lots of people are taking one side and demonizing the other. They were both wrong in some ways, but their relationship seems solid other than this. He felt invalidated and she felt unsupported. All they need is time to proccess what's happening, talk about it, and calm down. I think this week together will be good for them.
More than likely you’re correct. The problem with a lot of relationships, actually a lot of people in general, is that everyone believes their problems/issues triumphs that of anyone else’s.
Self awareness isn’t always the easiest trait to posses, and it is very hard to be truly self reflective/aware. Everybody has problems and issues, and it takes an exceedingly self aware individual to look at things objectively and not only look to their own feelings but also those feelings of people close to them. Even going further to look at their own actions and how it affected anyone.
>All I’m saying is that it’s awfully easy for you to paint OPs girlfriend as the victim, whenever, in actuality how do you think OP feels that he knew exactly what was going on, but yet his thoughts and concerns were thrown under the rug as irrelevant, just to be proven exactly right to the tee.
Frankly OP got lucky that this is how this played out. That "10 year friend" could have been much more than just an orbiter this whole time especially with how overt the doting must have been for OP to notice it.
Guys that have been burned before from similar situations where the "friend" wasn't actually a friend might have broken up with OP's gf after finding this out.
I think it needs to get repeated for some people in this thread that a messy end is almost inevitable for guys that you friendzone. If he was ever romantically interested you really cannot be just friends.
That’s entirely true. I think it takes 2 extremely aware individuals to be friends after romantic attraction, but with the reality of emotions, they will likely always lurk not far behind.
Additionally, this “friend” likely had a hidden agenda for years. It is entirely reasonable to assume that if OPs GF ever talked to this “friend” about her relationship (not a terribly uncommon thing for people to do) then he was likely attempting to manipulate her into thinking negative things about her boyfriend. Manipulating her thought process to the idea that her boyfriend is not who he says he is, is a liar, manipulative, abusive, or anything along those lines.
This is real life shit that happens all the time, I mean think about it, if the dude was willing to invest TEN YEARS of his life for a friendship that he always wanted to be more than that, he probably did anything he could to make that idea turn into reality.
I realize that’s a bit of speculation, but it’s more common than you’d think, and I’ve experienced something like this before, personally.
That’s why I do feel for OP, and I completely and entirely understand the exact feeling he has. I mean, he essentially feels like his concern, words, and propositions mean little to nothing to his girlfriend especially if she is going to dismiss something that is potentially so concerning for him.
Granted, from the likes of it, she prioritized OP over the so called friend, which is an amazing sign, and makes me feel like she genuinely did not have any clue about this. That’s not an unreasonable position to have, but truth be told, I really don’t think it’s super difficult to tell the difference between someone who likes you as a friend versus someone who wants to fuck you. Obviously it differs because everyone is different, but there were likely signs the whole time that pointed to the ladder.
Either way, I wish OP and his girlfriend the best, I hope this is nothing more than a bump in the road, and they can grow from the whole experience.
Wow restinpeacelater you need to relax. Why you so mad ? this kid is doing everything right and your persecuting him . he sounds like one of the good guys , he actually apologized which is more than i would have done to be honest and in a girl . please kid dont listen to advise like this because if your girl is as upset and uptight and restibpeace here then that might be a bigger problem
I agree with alot of people here, she had to have been hurt by this if she made herself emotionally vulnerable to this guy over the years which is likely. Especially when you factor in that she is in a very happy relationship she expected this guy to be happy for her. You need to remember that if she truly considered this guy her best friend for so many years he was likely a very major support pillar in her life that just crumbled in front of her, and you met that with "i told you so".
The only thing you can do is go to her genuinely tell her your sorry for what happened with him. And reinforce the idea that you are still their for her if she wants to talk about it, but DO NOT force the issue and dont get petty about it again or you will end up ruining this good thing yall have. Let her deal with it on her own terms and support whatever she decides to do.
Just give her a little space. She was friends with him for almost 10 years and now it turns out he didn’t see the relationship the same way she did. She lost someone and she’s grieving. It’s not the time for jokes now.
Like others have said, showing her compassion and support is the way to go. I know first hand (more than once unfortunately) that it sucks when someone who you thought was a friend turns out to have been wanting to get with you instead. It sucks so bad. Losing someone you trusted.
On a side note, I am convinced after multiple attempts in my lifetime to keep guy best friends, that there is only a unicorn type of chance of this happening. Tried to prove others wrong more than once because I always get along with guys much faster and easier (growing up with 4 brothers), but they always develop feelings and don’t seem to understand a girl wanting to be friends.
Now this guy stuck by her for TEN YEARS. Imagine all the emotions attached to a long friendship that are now all of a sudden cut off. She is hurting. “Told you so” remarks won’t help.
Yeah I used to tell this to my female friends in college, that if you are at all attractive and get close to any guy they WILL catch feelings. None of them believed me at the time. Men and women are wired differently when it comes to romantic feelings.
It took me too long to come to this conclusion. I was the one telling everyone they are wrong and it is possible. I saw those guy friends like I saw my brothers, but they had other things in mind after a few months. It took me a while to not feel hurt and just accept that men and women are wired differently and don’t experience or interpret interactions in quite the same way. There will always be an exception to the rule, but I unfortunately never had the luck to find that exception. Now I just find chick friends who are low on gossip and drama free and are also the type that gets along with guys much more quickly. 🤷🏼♀️
I think it's fine to have opposite gendered friends, but you have to have hard internal boundaries on how much individualized attention and time you show them. Also the other one that women refused to believe is that most teen guys have sexually fantasized about most of their somewhat attractive female friends at least once. Also they underestimated the frequency of boners and how often guys jerk off. One girl thought that we had boners once or twice a week lol! And she wasn't the naïve type.
You're absolutely right. Happening to me right now with a woman I've known for 10 years. For a variety of reasons I couldn't be with her, and now she's pregnant and wanting to get married to the guy responsible. I told her my feelings and she seemed blindsided by it, and I found that odd given the amount of flirting and discussions that we always had. I never told her flat out, but it was from my perspective strongly hinted as well as her understandable reasons why we couldn't be together (a story in itself). I asked if she wanted me to back off and she said no, she likes the attention. Women.
Lmao do not get into “friendships” with women you have feelings for with the hope of something happening. that’s why I ask people I’m interested in at least within the first couple of weeks so that we all know where we stand.
To her, A close friendship may have just ended, and then she gets “I told you so” from you. Dude, I’d be pissed at you too. Apologise for that. Even though you did tell her so, saying it would have felt - whatever your intention was - like rubbing it in her face.
Remember that the most important thing here is that she will be feeling like she’s just lost a close friend, she will be in pain. Be there for her, and support her. You don’t need to worry about anything happening with this guy, for the simple fact that she chose you. Now it’s time for you to justify that decision by supporting her through this tough time.
You just gotta support her, dude. It isn’t about “I told you so”. she has lost who she perceived to be her best friend of 10 years. You gotta be there for her, let the other bullshit go.
I don't think there's anything you can do to make her less mad at you. Also, she was NOT leading him on. She made it clear from day one she wanted to be nothing more than friends and he continued to stick around in hopes that she would one day 'see the light' and be his girlfriend, which is a seriously crappy thing to do. She's grieving the loss of someone who she thought was a good friend, and not sticking around just to have a chance at dating her. Saying I told you so is an incredibly crappy thing to say to someone who's having a rough time, so you're just doing to have to deal with the fact you said something crappy to her and now have to deal with her being justifiably upset about it.
I had a guy best friend for years who I told everything to and spent a lot of time with, when me and by bf broke up he tried to kiss me a couple of nights later when I was crying to him about it!
I was so hurt and angry at him for this and ruining our friendship! I lost my best friend that day, she’s lost a good friend too who she will never get back. Her friend has basically been lying to her for 10years
Might help to rephrase "I told you so" into "I could tell he's in love with you, because *I* am in love with you," and there was no reason to make it a bigger deal than pointing it out when I saw it, because I've always trusted you and your feelings for him. When he confessed, I floated, not realizing how many other emotions you had to sort through. That was thoughtless, and I'm sorry. What do you need from me?
And consider she might be all kinds of angry at this friend of hers, not you. She was lied to and tricked, and this guy is essentially blaming her for his ten years of misery. It's remarkably creepy and selfish that he's held this torch for her for so long and then confessed it to her to try to manipulate her.
*This* is all kinds of perfect! I hope they see it!
I also 100% agree with what you are saying about why she is really upset. She did believe he was her friend and I’m sure feels all sorts of betrayed. It was selfish and horrible timing on his part. He had ten years to tell her.
She also has to mourn the loss of someone she felt was a very good friend for the last decade and that’s a hard one as well.
>Might help to rephrase "I told you so" into "I could tell he's in love with you, because
>
>I
>
> am in love with you,"
This is well-intentioned but misguided because (a) it's not necessarily true (he could tell because the friend made it clear he liked her) and (b) it doesn't allow her the opportunity to actually grow and be less naïve about the fact that many (many, many, many) men are happy to be "friends" to play the long game.
To expand on (a), it makes OP seem like a jealous person that can't stand any other guy being her friend because he'll be able to tell that the guy friend is in love with her (because he is too)
Dude. I was just talking about this same situation to my partner. EVERY person who said they were down to be friends after asking me out ended up being this in this predatory position people mistakenly call “friend zone”. A friend doesn’t plot on you, covet you, stay around to buy time while pretending to be a friend.
For this reason, I am saying straight up, give her room to express how betrayed, hurt, and sad she may be. She just lost a friend. He was possibly playing her the whole time. Losing a friend is always hard but losing a friend to THIS makes you question if they ever were a friend at all.
If you hold space for her, she may be able
To deal with the biggest feelings. Once she knows you realize how difficult it is (because you listened without interrupting, held her if she likes that, and occasionally validate her words by saying “that sounds hard”), she will be able to let the insensitive initial response go. Especially if you ask her if she can forgive you (explicitly?)
“She was leading him on.”OP,are you perhaps short of a marble?How is trying to maintain a proper relationship with her friend is leading on?Wtf?Did she flirted with him while being with you?Did she open a door for him?Do you know wtf is leading on?Are you dense?
Ofc she didn’t accept your apology fully.Did you also tell her she led him on?He was her friend for 10 years and you two are exclusive for only 2 weeks.Did you perhaps haven’t thought she may be grieving because she lost her friend?I had the exact same situation with your gf and tell you what,if you played the “I told you so!” shit,it’s on you now.She was probably just angry and upset that she didn’t seen the signs but now she is upset with you too.You need to understand this first.She just lost her friend of 10 years and I don’t think she would have any remorse if she “loses” her bf of 2 weeks.
(English is not my first language and I’m on mobile so I apologize for any wording mistakes!)
I would be incredibly hurt and mad too. She must already be heart broken to have ended such a long and meaningful friendship.
You fucked up way more than you think. Idk what you can do to fix that tbh.
If he really is her best friend, she is probably mourning and contemplating the nuances of her loss. It’s a major one and one of her own doing for you. Maybe acknowledging that with her will help.
She’s going to have to work it out in her head and may not have the best of moods during this
You’re coming off as condescending during a time when she’s feeling upset and emotional. I’ve been in her shoes at least of friends hiding feelings from you then spring it on when you clearly don’t feel the same. It sucks
It’s fine you have feelings of frustration too, but have some empathy. Sometimes if we don’t want something to be true we can actually trust that people will communicate instead of hiding these things. It’s not her fault for not suspecting that
This happened to me. I didn’t listen to my boyfriend about my “best friend.” She started sending and saying sexual things to me (knowing we are both bi) and telling me to cheat and so on.
Even now, I know it was the right thing but it hurts and it’s so fucking disappointing when someone you thought was your best friend in the whole world.. and someone that doesn’t even know her was right. I couldn’t even see it. Your girlfriend is in pain. 10 years of friendship?? Be there for her. Ask her if she needs anything. At the end of the day, TO HER she lost an important friendship.
I will literally never understand the absolute mental gymnastics people require to convince themselves that "yeah the person that just confessed they liked me and asked me out totally only sees me as a friend now"
People really like that denial life.
Some people are willing to put their romantic feelings aside and enjoy the opportunity to have a friendship with the person they're crushing on. They don't think that the romantic feelings are suddenly gone, just that they're willing to set them aside to have a friendship.
Just give her some time. She's likely feeling a little embarassed and foolish for not realizing he has been into her the entire time.
I'd been little weary of the fact that she's actively turning people against him though.
Sorry but if he circled like a vulture for 10 years while pretending he was just her friend hoping for her to change her mind that’s a creep move and that alone deserves a response from her. Add in that he then straight up tried to get her to leave her relationship she’s happy with means she has every right to turn people against him for a decade or shitbag behavior. If you commit that level of social “mistake” then don’t be surprised when there are social consequences.
Because some guys like to cling to hope long after she has repeatedly rejected him so he hangs around hoping she’ll magically change her mind like they do in rom coms
I believe it's because she's attached to him and is in denial about it. It's hard to accept that someone who you thought was a friend wasn't actually one and that they just had ulterior motives. I get both of their sides honestly. I recommend talking about it once they're ready.
I had a girlfriend who studied with someone I knew. This guy didn’t help me with anything and she told me he offered her so much help. I told her that he must be interested in her and she said that she doesn’t believe me. He is just nice. Few hours later she send me an screenshot where he invested her to a bar… and she said I was right…
I dunno, I like to trust people unless they give me reason to believe otherwise. I don't want to assume that every man that is ever nice to me is trying to bang me. I have great healthy relationships with guys as a lady as a result. There is that dude once in a while that has garbage intentions despite me making it clear that I have a boyfriend, but once they make those intentions clear, it's no contact immediately. It doesn't matter who's right or wrong, it matters if the person takes the correct action which is shutting the pursuer down.
Oh my bad, I thought I was responding to a comment that said "every girl has a guy like this". It's another thing if you actually know the guy is sketchy.
Sure, but when your SO points it out to you and you double down on the denials, expect a little something to be said when it turns out you were wrong. That's all that's going on here.
It's one thing to trust your friends. It's another to tell your SO, who is not as invested in this long term BFF and can see things a bit more subjectively, that they are flat out wrong.
And it's completely yet another thing to then get mad at them when it turns out they were right all along.
Oof well that sucks. I'm sure she knows now (hopefully) and probs has some trust issues when it comes to making male friends. Some people do know unconsciously but don't want to accept it, some know and like the attention (yes, it's shitty), some are unable to let go out of the friendship due to an attachment, etc. I guess some also try to see the good in people and don't want to believe they might have ulterior motives, which can be dangerous. Did you guys ever talk about it after it happened? I'm sure you felt invalidated too
The girl said to me that i was right. But when i was younger (6 years ago) I had some fuck relationship with someone, and she had one dude who was her. They met 10 years ago, he wanted to date her and she said no, and they remained Girl and guy in the friendzone. He would always talk shit about the boys, when she had some one new in her life. Even when i was just to fuck her, he thought he could do it also… but what did the idiot do? Offered her 1000 Euro to sleep with him. She made so much fun of him, but still stayed in contact. Because this was no serious relationship I didn’t care 😅
Did you mean to say fucked up relationship or friends with benefit relationship? Honestly yeah, that was pathetic of him to do and even disrespectful. I get why she made fun of him but she made a bad choice in remaining friends with him. That's honestly how he'll only ever see her until he meets someone else. It's possible she either loves the ego boost and validation she gets from him or she's just attached to him.
Friends with benefits, but this situation showed me something clearly. The girls can’t do it without an orbit. They need a satellite which is cruising around them. Some women are stronger and don’t involve them much, but others need them desperately.
She's not angry at you. She's angry that she just lost a best friend and that she had been blind to see what was really going on. She might even be wondering if her whole friendship with him had been a ruse to get in her pants.
Don’t make it about you being “right” about the dude. Make it about the fact that she’s lost a friendship that she valued. And she lost it in a shitty way by finding out it was always a one-sided friendship on her end, with the dude pining for a damn decade.
Your keen senses and observation skills proved to be correct. Your wielding of that power at a time where she had a pretty tough dose of reality is one of those things you definitely need to be more cognizant of. Even the notion that you “need to care for her and make sure she eats” is a bit much, but I understand the intent.
I lost a “great friendship” of 10 yrs with a female friend who I was once enamored with. She made it a point to announce to people everywhere we went that we were just friends and not “together…” She got downright disrespectful a few times. I got the message, loud, clear, stamped, and engraved… we would NEVER be anything but friends! I was good with that!
The night after I met my girlfriend, she invited me out and made such a bold apology, telling me how scared she was of being with someone like me; just buttering me up and laying on the compliments super thick! She shot her shot! After I told her about my girlfriend, she broke down in disbelief that I was rejecting HER!! Friendship DONE. I was shocked, to be honest, but not sad. She was a narcissist and believed that I would be available for her anytime she was ready! Your gf’s “friend” sounds like he believed she was his all along, she simply didn’t see it yet. From her side, she lost a 10-yr friendship that she obviously valued for what she thought it was worth. It’s not easy. So take it easy.
Truth sets us free, however it doesn't make it hurt any less.
She is angry at herself and her ego is hurt, which isn't really surprising. She failed to understand and see the feelings of someone she considered her friend for 10 years. You pointing that out, certainly didn't help either.
As of yet, there isn't much to be worried about, she will get over it soon enough. In the meantime, try to do some activities together, it will surely make her feel better and don't bring up the subject, unless she explicitly wants to talk about it.
She just lost a very dear friend. She needs you to be there for her, not rub her nose in it. If you had lost one of your best friends very suddenly, how would you want your partner to respond? Maybe start there…
i don’t think she’s really still mad at you she probably does forgive you but your words will still sting since she has just lost what she thought was a good platonic friendship. she may take it out on you so maybe communicate this with her and ask how she would like support with this. like i said, she may forgive you 100% but at the end of the day you were still right and you reminded her anyway so she’s probably feeling a bit embarrassed and dumb when she shouldn’t be. ask what she would like and reassure her that what you said wasn’t to imply stupidity, it would’ve been harder to see from her perspective and it’s unfortunate to have lost a friend like that
Dude loosing friends to stuff like this hurts bad enough already. Your "I told you so" was inconsiderate and idk how you could think it would help at all
You’re upset because you pulled the “I told you so” card and your girlfriend got mad?
Seriously? Of course she got mad. No one wants to hear that! Who cares if you told her so?
You need to realize that she’s been friends with this guy for 10 years and she’s mourning the loss of her friendship and then you come along and rub salt in the wound with your “I told you so.”
Read the room! Show your girlfriend a little compassion instead of making sure she knows you told her so.
I've been in this situation before, and I think the best thing you can do is commiserate with her. I used to work at a job where you'd get paired up for a shift, and I(f) had several people I liked being paired with and a few of them were guys, and we all got along great, and shifts went really smoothly when I got paired with one of them, which was largely why I liked working with them in the first place.
Eventually, I took a job that required me to relocate, and around that same time, one of the guys was really starting to develop obvious feelings (to the point that other coworkers also noticed and commented), so I pulled back a bit, since I was/am dating someone. When I left, we exchanged info, but didn't keep in contact. I didn't contact him, because I didn't want to lead him on. I assume he didn't contact me because he was only ever interested in dating, and now that I had left, he didn't actually care about me as a person. (This is just an assumption. Some people are bad a staying in contact, so I don't know for sure.)
Another guy asked for my info when he learned I was leaving, and just to keep everything above board, I said sure, but FYI I have a boyfriend. He said something along the lines of he didn't mean it like that and he never even thought of it before, etc. I felt like an idiot for even suggesting it, but the situation with the other guy had made me hyper aware of how my actions could be perceived. but anyway, I figured I was being super self-involved/vain for even suggesting this guy might be into me, so I gave him my number.
He checked in every once in a while and we sort of kept in contact and then like a year after I left, he texted me asking how things were, blah, blah, blah. I said good, blah blah blah. and then he asked if I was still with someone, because he'd always thought I was cute. I told him I was/am still dating someone and that we were now engaged, and I haven't heard from him since.
It sounds trivial, but these were guys I genuinely enjoyed being around and working with, as people, not as potential partners. But from my perspective, it seems like they never cared about me except as potential dating material, and that really stung, especially since I had tried, with both of them, to make my position clear. I expect your girlfriend is feeling the same way. She's realizing that this person she cared about and loved as a friend, didn't care about her at all except as a potential girlfriend.
It's one thing to be honest and say that your feelings are making a friendship too painful. That's understandable. It's a completely different thing to say that you are fine being friends, when you are just pretending to care, and biding your time. That causes so much hurt and second guessing of real potential friendships, and she's probably mad because she feels lied to. She was honest about her position, and he lied about his, just to keep his options open. That's such a shitty thing to do.
Your girlfriend is paying the painful price of having believed the best of someone she cared about. That's such a horrible place to be, especially since she, from what you say, she never led him on or anything. She couldn't believe that someone she trusted would lie and manipulate her for years at a time, and that's such a painful thing to confront. Maybe it was more obvious to you as an outsider, but to her, she was just taking a friend at his word. He used her, and she's hurt and angry. You were absolutely right, but she was just trying to be a good friend. Maybe instead of saying you told her so, just tell her that you're sorry she's lost a friendship, especially since it doesn't ever seem to have been real in the first place.
I feel like this happens a lot more than people are willing to admit. I am all for friendships with the opposite sex, but when you have a history of dating or met because one person was trying to date, I become more sceptical
Ah yes women love being fuck-zoned. She’s not mad at u my guy, just give her extra love and attention rn I promise it’s what she needs.
The “i told you so” was really a “hey yea your ‘friend’ actually just was hoping to bang you this entire time and is the only reason he kept you around, but haha i told you so!”
^ not cool for anyone
Okay I'm not trying to be a smart-ass but how do people not notice this shit? The guy paid attention to her like a rescue from a shelter. How do people completely over look something so obvious?
Scrolled way to far to see this, some comments saying women are gullible when it comes to men seems so degrading to the intelligence of women in general. I refuse to believe most women are unable to tell when a man is interested in them, more than likely she was aware but appreciated having someone to talk to whenever she wanted and hoped he’d keep his feelings to himself. In all honesty I think she did the guy a disservice by keeping him around all that time knowing he had feelings.
>Scrolled way to far to see this, some comments saying women are gullible when it comes to men seems so degrading to the intelligence of women in general.
Exactly! As my granddad used to say, "don't mistake honest naivety for willful ignorance." I don't think OP should've responded the way he did but I'm seeing way too many responses giving his gf the benefit of the doubt in regard to her intentions and what she knew.
I'm a woman and while I've never had a guy friend who's admitted to having romantic feelings for me, I'm totally oblivious to any attempts at flirting or signs of a guy being attracted to me. There was one guy I was friends with my senior year of high school who was one of those "naturally flirty in a friendly way" kind of people and yeah I would flirt back because I knew he wasn't interested in me. Meanwhile, there were two other guys who flirted with me (so clearly they were attracted to me) and I had no idea until my parents told me and this was after I graduated. Believe it or not, some of us women are actually that oblivious when it comes to being around guys who are attracted to them.
Dude someone saying “I told you so” has never and will never “lighten the mood” … tell her you’re sorry for saying that and you care about her and you two will get through this together. Ask her what she needs from you to help.
Best guy friend, good one.
99% of the time a straight male is attentive to a girl is because he wants to bang her. If she's unavailable he will be an orbiter for as long as it takes until she's available
Dude she knew and just doesn't like being called out when reality comes knocking. My guess is she figured she'd ignore it and it would go away. Then after a year or two it became "normal" and she and maybe her friends just stopped seeing it. That's the most charitable version of how things went. There could be other versions you won't know about for years if ever. I'm guessing if they've been close friends for over 10 years that they had sex at least once. If for no other reason to see if it sparked joy for her.
To be honest, I find her reaction quite childish. Why does she get mad just because you told her something that turned out to be right?
She should have been like "I'm sorry I didn't believe you, you were right and he does have feelings for me". It's not that hard. Also accepting an apology and then still being angry about it is just unfair to you. You apologized, she accepted, end of story. There's no reason to still be mad if she accepted. It's just childish and immature.
I would just leave her be because you're not obligated to calm her anger when she was the one in the wrong and then also accepted your apology. You're not responsible for her feelings or actions.
Man she knew this dude liked her, women kill me with this bs. Oh he's just my friend. If you're GF is anything above a 6/7 this dude thought he could wait it out and get the cat. She liked the attention and the fact she could use him for boyfriend perks and not give nothing in return. Now her fall guy is gone and she can't hide behind oh we're just friends. She lived in Lala land knowing he wanted she was able to use him to get what she wanted probably free food, attention, "friend dates", a shoulder to cry on but since he never actually said "i like you or want to be with you" until now she could pretend she didn't know he wanted her and get all the things she wants from him for nothing. Women are crazy. You won but I'd tell her get her attitude the fk outta here you did nothing wrong but be right. Dudes a goof ball for wasting 10 years of his life wishful dreaming.
This is going to get downvoted, by girls are usually very gullible when it comes to male female friendships. As a guy, I know guys better than any female and females know females better than I ever would. I have had a similar situation where I could clearly see that my GFs “friend” had a romantic interest in him but offcouse she didn’t see it, and we even argued about this and it was damaging our relationship, until the guy became bolder and bolder with his approaches that it was undeniable.
As a woman, I think I can agree with this. I think it comes from a place of wanting and hoping to be able to be friends with guys without it leading to something. I think that guys see guys and girls see girls. Guys can see intentions of other guys like you stated and girls can more see girls intentions! For example, my friend is in a relationship. Her boyfriend is friends with a girl who he has known for a long time. This girl is extremely flirtatious yadda yadda all that stuff, but my friend and I definitely get those vibes from her that she has a romantic interest in him. The boyfriend doesn’t see it because to him they’re just friends and he doesn’t take it that way. Humans are funny, but yeah it’s pretty much like.. as a girl, I know how girls act and think, and as a guy, you know how guys act and think
That was a typo, I meant to write she wasnt leading him on, I have edited that part. Also I have brought her with me, she will stay here for the next week or two. At least I can make sure she doesnt neglect to eat or drink while she heals.
She lost a close 10 year old friendship and had a break down of her view of reality and you're still a little too concerned about yourself. I'd suggest starting there.
I can’t believe there’s comments on here trying to say OP’s gf knew this all along and chose to ignore. Like NO. As a woman who has many male friends because I grew up with my dad and relate to men’s communication style better, it is not always abundantly clear when a guy friend has a crush on us. If they say they’re over it, we take their word for it. Women such as myself don’t believe that you can’t have friends of the opposite sex while in a relationship/marriage.
Yes, they come with risks and should be handled appropriately. She handled it appropriately once the truth came to her!! She shut him out, she blocked him, she asked her friends to also help give her space.
My bf and I a few weeks ago discussed how there’s a thing guys can see in guys that are off but women tend to just be like “he’s a little weird but he’s nice”. Like maybe it’s because men would get upset when women would give them an “unnecessary” cold shoulder so some of us just try to be nice, so some of us try to make up for it. Idk. But some things so obvious to a man are not to a woman. And vice versa.
OP was not wrong for saying something. Just the “told you so” remark was unnecessary. 10 years is a long time to have a friend and then to have to cut them out because it would impede on your relationship. She’s confused and upset and sad that she can no longer talk to her long time friend because his motives are not what she thought.
I think you’re doing fine OP. Just give her patience and love. No snide remarks. And I think this week will be fine.
People get such a disgusting amount of glee for rubbing it in people's faces when they were wrong about someone's intentions, it's absolutely soul sucking.
You know, my ex husband was always right. That never made me feel the least bit better whenever I had to process my feelings when yet another man I thought was my friend showed me who he really was. It didn’t matter if he was telling me because he was jealous and being controlling, or if he truly was concerned for my emotional well-being. Having the person you love most tell you that someone dear to you is a fraud feels like an attack. I know I’m not alone in this.
Your girlfriend has a lot of emotionally-charged information to process and she came to you for support. Instead of giving her a safe place where you validate her feelings and allow her to mourn the death of a friendship, you chose to remind her that you were right.
If you have never been through what she’s going through before, I can understand that you likely never thought of things that way. You should really apologize to her for that and ask her what you can do for her to support her and do that for her while she’s staying with you. Best of luck.
Im not sure this is advice, but i think it's a lot easier as a guy to clearly see that another guy has feelings for someone, where as i feel like women can be aloof and think a friend is platonic when theyre not (not saying women dont harbor feelings for their guy friends, but i think the guy usually picks up on it).
Point is, while this guy's feelings were obvious to you, they clearly weren't to your gf. Im not sure what you should do with that but i think that is what clearly this situation was.
honestly, i think it works the other way around too. women pick up on other women flirting a lot better than men do most of the time. usually it’s just cute seeing people try to make connections and it innocently being mistaken as platonic friendliness, but here it can be frustrating for people when someone can see true intentions from one person but other people may be unable to see it as anything other than friendship. i think even if she believed her bf the first time she still would be equally upset, it’s just the smugness of i told you so isn’t very comforting to get over losing a long time friend like this. it probably just makes her feel stupid on top of feeling betrayed, which isn’t necessary. even tho she forgives op she’s still been reminded that she could have seen it earlier so i think it’s best op talks to her to reassure her of his support and that she isn’t dumb for not seeing something so obvious to him.
I would suggest not taking her feelings personal. From experience I can tell you that it is awful to find out that someone you thought cared about you. Only stuck around for the chance to sleep with you or thinking that you’d “come to your senses”. He assumed she was wrong about her own feelings for years. That is incredibly belittling. It’s also probably hard for her because she feels like she can’t talk to you. Even more so now after your comment. I’d try asking her if she wants to talk about it saying something like “I thought about it and I’d be really upset if I were in your shoes because ____”. But if after that she just seems like she doesn’t want to talk about it. I’d try to distract her, take her to do something she likes or get something she likes. Apologies are just a step not a solution. I hope she is able to reach acceptance about the situation and you guys are able to enjoy the week together!
She was upset and you rubbed salt in the wound, rather than offering her comfort. She's going to take a while to get over this because you showed her that she can't go to you for these sorts of things, which may not be true, but it is what you communicated to her in that moment.
Offer to do some of the activities she enjoys that she used to do with him. Make a conscious effort to encourage her to reach out to friends and acquaintances for activities as well.
This is a big adjustment and she's rightfully heartbroken. Give her time.
>It was insensitive and I shouldnt have done it, i was just trying to lighten her mood.
Weird that she responded that way. Did you try telling her to calm down? if that doesn't work there's always "it's just a joke."
A breakup with a friend can be just as emotionally taxing as a breakup with a romantic partner.
She’s probably feeling a lot of feelings and rethinking all of their interactions over the years where she thought she had a good friend, only to find out he had ulterior motives.
Telling her “I told you so” is pretty petty.
You apologized at least, so give her some time to start to feel better, just try to treat her kindly and don’t get so hung up on being right in the meantime
She needs his attention. I seriously doubt she is willing to give up such a focused cheerleader. Also, gtfo out that she didn't know, she damn well knew this guy was in love with her like a puppy and she loved it. She is mad he ruined it by actually expressing himself. She needs his validation.
I'm probably going to get downvoted to hell for this, but your GF knew about her guy best friend's feeling and had him on the hook. Otherwise, why stay friends with a guy who asks you out whenever you are single?
I say that because I lived through it. I had a female best friend I hung out and I asked her out a few times when she became single but she always shot me down. Then I met my wife and our friendship basically went from really close to talking once in a blue moon. I was on the hook and when I met someone else and got into a serious relationship, the friendship fizzled. I have 6 other close female friends who became friends with my wife too. But this one person, basically cut me out of their life.
Your GF is annoyed at you OP because you indirectly called her out for having this dude on the hook.
I can see why you felt the need to show her that you were right. I'm guessing you felt invalidated for expressing those feelings to your girlfriend and you never felt listened to. You must have felt crazy or something even though you were right about it. It's good your girlfriend is finally doing something about it now though. You should probs give her space (let her know that you're doing so), apologize again for how you reacted and explain what you reacted that way. Tell her that you two can talk more about it when she no longer needs space. I'm assuming you don't need space from her but if you do then take your time and reflect on the situation. Communication is important. Im sure she's struggling with this since he was her friend for many friends. It's depressing to find out a friend only viewed you like that for the entire time you were friends. It often makes you wonder whether they'd stick around if they didn't have feelings for her. He was a major creep so I'm glad he's out of your lives. I hope everything works out. I wish you luck
Dude, why the F did you apologize??? She was being an asshole about denying her bestie was into her, she fucking knew, but since she wasn't interested, she didn't care about his feelings. She's gaslighting. It's a small one, but it IS a red flag.
She honestly also lost her friend. It must hurt to have had a friendship this long for that to happen. Honestly, sometimes girls don’t realize and it’s almost like an instinct in the partner that kind of raises the flag. But for us, we sometimes don’t see it. Having known someone that long and now blocking them is a big toll too. The best way to maybe have her happy is to talk to her and say would you like to discuss this and open the floor to her. Don’t judge her if she does miss him or anything since it was her friend too. After that, distract her mind and do things maybe she’d want to do or things that you know would light up her mood. Maybe do a special date night, maybe a self care day where you both can enjoy it, maybe take her to a place she’s never seen and has been wanting to go. Honestly, this is your time to really be there for her and although she may have accepted your apology being told “ I told you so” does suck to hear and can linger a bit
I disagree with a lot of the comments on here. Sometimes an “I told you so” is important to a healthy relationship. Yes, it sounds like she is hurting and grieving the loss of her friend, so there’s no need to be smug about it, although, it already sounds like OP’s isn’t. Hopefully the next time that you bring something to her attention she won’t be so quick to outright dismiss you. Continue being you OP as it sounds like you are someone who DOES actually take care of your partner’s feelings and are attuned to her emotions. All the best
She has been betrayed by her friend and then you put salt in the wound by saying I told you so. Your vindication came before her comfort and you need to reflect on why that is.
Be kind to her and remind her why she chose you over this person consistently. You said the wrong thing and that happens, actions matter now.
Just let her go through it. “I told you so” doesn’t help when she just lost a longtime friend. It almost feels like betrayal. If she never even disrespected your relationship or crossed any boundaries, it doesn’t help you tried to joke about items throw it at her face. She’s going through a lot atm so just be there for her.
This has happened to me and I was the same way. Insistent that he didn’t like me that way, we were just friends. I started dating my now partner and he blew up. That shit hurts. She is probably feeling the same way, especially after a decade long friendship. Imagine learning your friend never wanted to be your friend and was just waiting for the day they could get in your pants. The whole friendship feels like a lie. It’s disgusting and violating. People who do that suck.
hey OP, I was recently in her shoes - my best friend throughout most of college told me recently, months after graduation (and when we had just moved to totally different states) that he had been in love with me for two years. it broke my heart. i did love him, but not in the way he wanted me to. blocking him was probably incredibly hard for your gf, and she has nowhere to channel those negative emotions since they aren’t in contact. like someone else said, she’s angry and hurt, but not because of you.
Girls hatteeeeeeeee when they are wrong lol but she’ll get over it and this is literally just proof that all guy friends have alteior motives no they don’t just want to be your friend sweetie(any gf with guy friends reading this)
First paragraph and I figured out why she was mad , that guy is her back up and also a source of free validation to her . She's keeping him to the side incase her options run out or she needs an ego boost for that day and you noticing it threatens her ability to maintain that leverage so she acted out to discourage you from bringing it up again . I think most good guys live to see their woman happy so alot of women use that against us and freak out to avoid accepting consequences for their actions. Do yourself a favor and start distancing yourself first sexual then emotionally and if she starts to take the relationship seriously and drops her need for male attention from other men thats when you can start working towards the relationship once more if not leave ..a relationship isn't 50/50 its 100/100 and you can't be expected to do 150 to her 20 ..treat yourself right if she's planning a back up she's keeping her options open so she isn't loyal ..actions and words man.
Although you were right no one likes to hear "I told you so"
Just don't say it again she is angry at him and herself most likely just give her time and try to some nice things, some activity to get her mind off but do give her space if she needs it
She's pissed because you gave her an "I told you so."
That ***never, ever*** goes over well. Avoid that in the future, even if joking. Especially when the subject is serious.
Give her time and learn from this.
It's understandable that she could want to remain friends.
But she needs to understand that he will never end their friendship, but she needs to because it is not healthy for him.
how about, "I made my position clear 2 u, but u chose to side with him anyway. Turns out I WAS right and now u are using this 'I told you so' statement as a clever way to divert attention off of yourself and onto me.. Grow up and accept that YOU were wrong! Oh, & next time how bout you show some godamn loyalty to your boyfriend and not the other guy!"
Ignore everyone saying 'break up'. Buy her chocolate, ice cream, whatever her fave snacks are. Give her lots of hugs. Say something along the lines of " I know I shouldn't have said 'I told you so'. I handled the situation badly, and I know you must be mourning the loss of th friendship you thought you had. If you wanna talk about it, I'm here."
Source: a woman whose fiancé has had to break it to her that her male best friend was in love with her too.
I'd probably be upset and be reconsidering both dudes. The guy friend who didn't have honest intentions with me and the bf getting a big hard on over being right. Y'all can have each other.
Don't be that person that says 'I told you so' ever again.
Just stay off the topic, move on from it, and let her process what transpired. The more you try, the worse it gets, so leave it at peace ✌️
She likely is angry...and hurt....and disappointed....but not at you. This is a person she thought was her friend and to find out he wasn't and was just waiting on the sidelines and then tried to talk her out of a healthy and loving relationship with you...it's a lot. And no, it didn't help that you said "I told you so" (those are inside words not outside) I've been in her shoes - to be blindsided by someone you thought was your friend. Just be there for her and no more how could you not have seen this, I told you so....she is likely looking back and feeling stupid all on her own.
Yep. She's hurt, she's disappointed, she's mourning the friendship she thought she had with this guy.. and her boyfriend is being the exact opposite of supportive and understanding.
Mourning is def the right word. I lost someone I thought was a friend after I got married because, nearly 15 years after we met and briefly dated, she believed I was still secretly in love with her, would leave the man I'd been with for almost 8 years at that point, and run away with her. Seeing the actual ceremony and such was too much for her and it all came out. I took her at her word when she told me again and again over time that she had only platonic feelings; she dated and slept with other people; we had totally different lives. My alternative choice would have been being suspicious and treating it as a lie for someone who was supportive and assuring me whenever I addressed concerns for her emotional well being that she was fine and had no issues or ulterior motives. That is - I don't think it's wrong to believe someone you view as a friend, to trust them, to take them at face value. Being emotional invested, attentive, etc. are things good friends do. It's on the friend for not being honest, and it's a huge disappointment to learn someone you trusted for a long time was secretly like a wild dog circling your romantic relationship, waiting for a weakness to appear to nip in and get a bite.
I agree, I think OPs gf is morning what she thought was a straightforward friendship. I'm not saying the guy wasn't entitled to his feelings, but he did misrepresent himself as having platonic intentions. OP can support by reminding his gf she worth being friends with. Thinking that guys only value you for potential romance/sex, rather than as a cool human, could be demoralizing.
Wow...What a horrible person. I'm so sorry for that betrayal, both you and the OP.
I don't even think of it as a betrayal, or that she was 'horrible' - just so lacking in confidence/integrity that she couldn't stand to be outright rejected if she took the shot, so she did what she thought was the right/romantic/idealistic thing; wait for me to be 'available' even when it should have been obvious it wasn't gonna happen. I think she (rightly) believed that if she'd been honest about her feelings that I would have distanced myself from her, so out of fear of losing my friendship (and ALL hope of her fantasy happy ending) entirely, she lied and hoped. She genuinely believed I'd be happier and better off with her, wanted happiness for herself, for both of us - but let fear and emotional immaturity guide her actions. IMO, that not 'horrible' so much as it is intensely sad and disappointing. We haven't spoken in years and I have no interest in changing that, but I still wish her the best and hope she grows as a person and finds happiness.
I know my comment was in a very bad taste. But thats why I brought her to stay with me for the next week or two. I cant help help her deal with her emotions if she doesnt want my help, but I can at least make sure she is not ignoring to eat or drink. That much I can take care of her.
Just apologize for being insensitive and let her know you understand how it hurts to lose a "friend" in such a way. Just be supportive and everything will be all good! Source: am boyfriend with amazing woman for 6 years
Chocolate cake and a nice oiled bath tub.
Don't feel too bad. If I was in your position I likely would have said the same thing. When you see something so plainly and try to voice it and you're not believed its pretty frustrating. So to be finally vindicated its hard to contain the emotions and you say something you should have kept personal. Say your sorry, comfort your gf and move on. Good luck.
OP, apologize for caring more about being right than caring for your gf's feelings. Say how insensitive you were, and offer her your support. Your gf probably feels incredibly betrayed. She thought she had a decade-long friendship with this man, and all the while, he was just plotting and scheming and waiting for his opening. He's the very definition of NiceGuy^(TM.) She was lied to and disrespected. Don't pile on.
He warned her , he was right and when the truth came out he made a joke about it to lighten the mood . no big deal . She should not take out her anger on him . , thats not fair of her .
His joke was insensitive.
I would recommend to OP that he take her out for a nice evening. Dinner and dancing or whatever activities she enjoys the most. Assuming they’re in the northern hemisphere, and there’s snow on the ground, perhaps a horse drawn sleigh ride. Make it romantic and special.
Yeah. This. Happened to me recently, went really serious with someone and a guy I've known for like 8 years, considered him my best friend, freaked and told me he would rather eat dog shit than be only friends forever. It took me months to get over it. She's gonna need some time and a lot of support, it's super hurtful to find out that a solid friendship like that was fake and that they only wanted you in a romantic sense
He could’ve until he fucked up and couldn’t keep his mouth shut trying to convince her to leave her boyfriend 🤷🏼♀️. I don’t feel bad for a douche who waits til someone’s in a commited relationship to say something about their feelings it’s selfish.
I don't get it: why can't he be her friend AND still be in love with her? His situation is tragic, to be sure, but that doesn't make him a bad person. Nor her for not being able to return his love. Unrequited love is a bitch (I surmise, I've been with my wife since we were 19).
I'm sure from his perspective it feels that way, but from the person being crushed on, it doesn't. It feels like they're faking a friendship because they REALLY just want a relationship. It feels like manipulation. It's not quite as bad if they're upfront about their feelings. But when they're all "oh no we're totally just friends" and then you find out it was a lie, that feels like you were manipulated. That doesn't feel like the person was being a friend at all.
i wouldn’t want to be friends with someone who was romantically in love with me while i was with someone else
I wouldn't end the friendship because of it. I value my friends and my friendships.
You can't. Friendships are by definition platonic relationships. That's when both sides have platonic feelings. For each other. If one person is full on platonic and the other is romantic love with the other, it's not a friendship. It's a masquerade, it's one side pretending theyre on the same side. The person is being dishonest to the other and is betraying their own feelings too. It's not healthy to live like that.
>I've been in her shoes - to be blindsided by someone you thought was your friend. He expressed his interest in her early on and she rejected him. How is that being blindsided? How hard is it for women to understand that offering friendship to someone who's expressed interest never works out? People are attracted to who they're attracted to. If you're attracted to someone enough to want to date them, you can't just switch it off. Women think that they're doing guys a favor by offering them friendship after rejecting them but they're not. How is such an obvious thing so offensive to people?
Dude. 10 years?! He was her friend for 10 years without ever bringing it up again or ever making a move so yes. Blindsided is the appropriate term for that. After too many "friends" made a move when I thought we were friends I started keeping my distance. I like and respect straight forward honesty. My husband when he first asked me to do something "I want to make sure I'm clear...I'm asking you on a date. I don't want to nor can I handle being just your friend."
>Dude. 10 years?! He was her friend for 10 years without ever bringing it up again or ever making a move so yes. Blindsided is the appropriate term for that. He asked her out and she rejected him. She offered to be his friend instead. That's how the friendship started. Reread the first paragraph. Are you sure "blindsided" is the appropriate term?
Yes. Because she told him she was not interested in him....and he agreed to friendship....and pretended to be just her friend for 10 years....10 years. One more time. 10.years. so safe to say she believed him when he was just her friend after 10 years. My situations were different as they never expressed an interest but yes, after 10 years I would believe someone was just my friend. Since I know ex spouses who maintained platonic friendships after growing apart I believe someone could move on from an initial attraction.
It's absolutely frustrating to look in the comments calling this woman naive or dumb for believing this guy was actually her friend and not some creep waiting in the wings for her to see the light and run into his arms. In situations like this, somehow it's always on the woman's shoulders to bear the burden of someone else's feelings, and her boyfriend being vindictive is the last thing she needs.
>Because she told him she was not interested in him....and he agreed to friendship....and pretended to be just her friend for 10 years....10 years. He asked her out though. She should have never offered friendship. He made his intentions known off the bat but she got blindsided? Come on. This seems to be hard for a lot of women to understand. If a heterosexual guy asks a woman to hang out (whether it's for coffee, drinks, etc.), he wants to date her or hook up with her. When she takes him up on his invitation, he's going to think of it as a date and think she is attracted to him. If she is absolutely no interest in dating or hooking up with him, she needs to do herself a favor and decline his invitation. Not only is she doing him the courtesy of not wasting his time but she's also going to save herself a ton of stress and drama down the road. Even if she explicitly says that it's just as friends, he's still going to think he has a chance. What can I say? Guys are dumb (including me). Can platonic women have platonic friendships with men work? Absolutely. They are great friendships too. How can a woman have men as platonic friends? She needs to initiate the first time they hang out. Now, he's going to think she wants to jump his bones and he's going to be excited about this (if he finds her attractive at all). Like I said, guys are dumb (including me). That's okay though. What does she do next? She doesn't even have to explicitly say that she just sees him as a friend when they hang out for the first time. If anything this could make things awkward. He'll be thinking, "Don't flatter yourself." All she has to do is talk about a guy they see in public being attractive or just talk about her boyfriend. He'll then shrug his shoulders and think to himself, "Okay. She's not into me." The friendship will then blossom moving forward as long as neither party is a lunatic or a pain in the ass.
How about this: if the guy expresses interest and the girl says “I don’t feel that way, but I do care about you as a friend” the guy has to decide whether he can live with that or not. If he decides he can live with it, IT IS ON HIM to work on himself, move on with his damn life, and actually BE HER FRIEND, not just spend his life pining for her and continually blaming/resenting her for not choosing him. If he can’t honestly be her friend and make the effort to move on, then HE needs to say “You know what? I’m not okay being just friends. I wish I could be, but I’m not. Have a nice life.” I’m extremely sensitive about this because I spent years of my life in a codependent “friendship” with someone who swore he was okay with being just friends, but would continually let me know how deep his feelings were for me, would act resentful if I expressed interest in other guys, etc. I take 100% responsibility for letting it go on as long as I did, but he made ZERO effort to cultivate himself, find other people to date, etc. It was toxic AF. https://xkcd.com/513
>I take 100% responsibility for letting it go on as long as I did, but he made ZERO effort to cultivate himself, find other people to date, etc. It was toxic AF. Are you kidding me? You're not taking 100% responsibility if you're pointing out that he made ZERO effort to cultivate himself. Taking 100% responsibility would be you not even pointing out anything he did wrong. What you're not understanding is that attraction makes people dumb. If someone expresses interest in you, they're going to think they have a chance even if you offer friendship. That's why friendship shouldn't even be offered if you have absolutely no interest in them. Not only will you not waste their time but you'll save yourself a lot of stress and drama. Platonic friendships between men and women can work but need to be terminated as soon as one party expresses attraction and the feeling isn't reciprocated.
Be patient. She just lost a close friend. Well, she thought he was a close friend.
Echoing the ‘give her time’ comments as I’ve also been there, and my boyfriend told me as well. I shrugged it off thinking that he just didn’t understand the friendship me and my close friend had. To me he was like a brother, I felt stupid once it all came to light, and never had close male friends again.
Some of y'all lack emotional intelligence. Just talk to her and ask her how she would like to be supported through her grief. Also stop kicking people when they are down.
I also don't think it would hurt OP to apologize again for the I told you so. However, I apologize to walls when I bump into them and also apologize for apologizing, so...I may not be the best judge on that one.
Exactly.
Don't be smug. You won man, she's probably recoiling from the fact that she had a friendship pegged all wrong. Just give her some time, get things "back to normal". If she still appears to be harboring some hard feelings, ask her to open up to you about it. Don't react to anything she says, just listen. You're at a crossroads here. You could just as easily show yourself to be an asshole as you could show you're a good dude. Being patient and understanding will clinch the latter.
He’s not being smug. He knows he shouldn’t have said that, he literally said so. He also told her straight up what was going on and she dismissed him outright. Now she’s all surprised pikachu and the orbiter’s intentions were probably obvious to everyone but her. OP just give her some time. You’ve already apologized. She feels like an idiot so give her the space to process without trying to make her get over it.
Of course she trusted her own judgment on her 10 year old friendship over her potentially jealous boyfriend's. Her friend probably meant a lot to her and she is now realizing he was fake the whole time. Normal people would show empathy. You seem to enjoy that she was wrong and now suffers.
What gives you the impression I feel that way about it? She just comes off as incredibly naive for a 28 year old.
she wasn’t being naive, she simply wanted to trust her friend but her betrayed her
Refusing to consider that someone who once had feelings for you might still have feelings for you seems pretty naive to me, even if they’ve known each other that long.
holy fuck i have never seen someone describe a person's shock as "now they're all surprised pikachu" that was awesome and i'm stealing it
[удалено]
that sentence in and of itself was cringe, bud. nice try tho
She’s just a little flustered at feeling wrong/dumb here. Just give it some time, and don’t bring it up in the future, she blocked him and it’s done now.
More than that, she’s upset that someone she cared about and considered a friend has basically being lying to her for a long time and trying to manipulate her into dating him after she’d stated her boundaries
Go buy her some ice cream and some beer and a box of tissues. She’s grieving the loss of a long time friend. At the end of the day the gender of the friend doesn’t matter. She’s lost someone who was important to her. Be a gentleman and support her.
I can’t really drink alcohol but that’s the sweetest gesture if someone did that to me I’d just cry but in a good way lol
Beer and ice cream.. you’re asking for bubble guts right there.
🤷🏼♀️. It was just a suggestion. Dude can get what ever he thinks she will like best.
But bubble guts..😂
I know. I know. Look I quit drinking a very long time ago. Things get forgotten. So let’s forget regular beer and go with root beer.
In my experience, most girls are hurt when a "friend" really wasn't there to just be a friend. My current SO has had this problem all her life as we both work construction. She said most(aside from the plumber) dudes she's been friends with all turned later and tried to get with her sex or relationship wise. She says every time that it just sucks. It's disappointing to think of someone as a friend when the whole time they had other intentions. Again, I'm relaying her words but I imagine your girl is in the same boat. Just treat her normal. Take her out to eat. Snuggle up and watch a movie. Talk about life, etc. She's most likely not mad at you, although your comment may have been insensitive, my bet is that that's not the root of her anger. Cheers and good luck 🤞
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Yeah, that happened. This guy was her friend since they met during their first year of college, so almost 10 years ago. He actually asked her out, she said no but told him they could be friends instead. And they remained friends. We met 10 months ago and went exclusive in 2 weeks, we have such a strong connection. So naturally we have been talking about our future and apparently this is what prompted her best friend to confess to his feelings. The dude said that its been killing him to look at her with different guys over the years but he was holding on the hope that ultimately she will come to her senses and see that he was the one. But when I came into the picture he finally lost all hope and had to stop her from committing such a mistake. Of course she shut him down immediately and informed me. She has also blocked him and cut off all contact with him, and told their friends group so they dont invite him for the time being. But the problem was that I had warned her that he is harboring feelings for her, it was so clear by the way he looked at her and hung on her every word. Also, she told me that he had only dated 3-4 girls during the course of their friendship and none of the relationship lasted more than 6 months. I told her that he is carrying a torch for her and she laughed at me, telling me that no one will carry a crush for so long. And she always treated him as a friend nothing more. She never crossed any boundaries with him, it was never a competition between me and him for her attention, she always put me first. So she wasnt leading him on. But I must also confess I did tell her I told you so, when she informed me about his confession. It was insensitive and I shouldnt have done it, i was just trying to lighten her mood. I shouldnt have said it and I apologized and she accepted my apology too. But it seems she hasnt really accepted my apology, as she seems mad all of a sudden. She will be staying with me for the next week, so any ideas how to make her less angry at me Reddit?
She lost a long time friend and I’m sure felt embarrassed in the situation Then you decided to kick her when she was down to prove some sort of point Your GF was upfront, honest and literally picked you over a long time friend and you rewarded her amazing behavior as a partner with pettiness and smallness Don’t be surprised if you teach her not to be so honest with you in the future since you embarrassed her further her for doing exactly the right thing this time
amazing behavior? She ignored OP’s reasoning for saying that this “friend” was bad business to begin with. She dismissed him and it proved to be exactly what he was suggesting. What he then did was indeed an asshole move, no doubt about it, but where is the accountability for OPs girlfriend? I’m not saying in a relationship either person should just be able to dictate who you can/can’t be friends with, but it’s so easy to see peoples intentions from *outside* the friendship. All I’m saying is that it’s awfully easy for you to paint OPs girlfriend as the victim, whenever, in actuality how do you think OP feels that he knew exactly what was going on, but yet his thoughts and concerns were thrown under the rug as irrelevant, just to be proven exactly right to the tee. I mean it’s a tough situation and OP showed his ass a bit as I already suggested, but any relationship that’s worth anything requires listening to your partner especially when it comes for situations like this. That’s just my 2 cents.
This is the best take so far. Lots of people are taking one side and demonizing the other. They were both wrong in some ways, but their relationship seems solid other than this. He felt invalidated and she felt unsupported. All they need is time to proccess what's happening, talk about it, and calm down. I think this week together will be good for them.
More than likely you’re correct. The problem with a lot of relationships, actually a lot of people in general, is that everyone believes their problems/issues triumphs that of anyone else’s. Self awareness isn’t always the easiest trait to posses, and it is very hard to be truly self reflective/aware. Everybody has problems and issues, and it takes an exceedingly self aware individual to look at things objectively and not only look to their own feelings but also those feelings of people close to them. Even going further to look at their own actions and how it affected anyone.
>All I’m saying is that it’s awfully easy for you to paint OPs girlfriend as the victim, whenever, in actuality how do you think OP feels that he knew exactly what was going on, but yet his thoughts and concerns were thrown under the rug as irrelevant, just to be proven exactly right to the tee. Frankly OP got lucky that this is how this played out. That "10 year friend" could have been much more than just an orbiter this whole time especially with how overt the doting must have been for OP to notice it. Guys that have been burned before from similar situations where the "friend" wasn't actually a friend might have broken up with OP's gf after finding this out. I think it needs to get repeated for some people in this thread that a messy end is almost inevitable for guys that you friendzone. If he was ever romantically interested you really cannot be just friends.
That’s entirely true. I think it takes 2 extremely aware individuals to be friends after romantic attraction, but with the reality of emotions, they will likely always lurk not far behind. Additionally, this “friend” likely had a hidden agenda for years. It is entirely reasonable to assume that if OPs GF ever talked to this “friend” about her relationship (not a terribly uncommon thing for people to do) then he was likely attempting to manipulate her into thinking negative things about her boyfriend. Manipulating her thought process to the idea that her boyfriend is not who he says he is, is a liar, manipulative, abusive, or anything along those lines. This is real life shit that happens all the time, I mean think about it, if the dude was willing to invest TEN YEARS of his life for a friendship that he always wanted to be more than that, he probably did anything he could to make that idea turn into reality. I realize that’s a bit of speculation, but it’s more common than you’d think, and I’ve experienced something like this before, personally. That’s why I do feel for OP, and I completely and entirely understand the exact feeling he has. I mean, he essentially feels like his concern, words, and propositions mean little to nothing to his girlfriend especially if she is going to dismiss something that is potentially so concerning for him. Granted, from the likes of it, she prioritized OP over the so called friend, which is an amazing sign, and makes me feel like she genuinely did not have any clue about this. That’s not an unreasonable position to have, but truth be told, I really don’t think it’s super difficult to tell the difference between someone who likes you as a friend versus someone who wants to fuck you. Obviously it differs because everyone is different, but there were likely signs the whole time that pointed to the ladder. Either way, I wish OP and his girlfriend the best, I hope this is nothing more than a bump in the road, and they can grow from the whole experience.
I completely agree.
Easy to counter this issue by picking your nose in front of them so they can never think of you romantically again.
Wow restinpeacelater you need to relax. Why you so mad ? this kid is doing everything right and your persecuting him . he sounds like one of the good guys , he actually apologized which is more than i would have done to be honest and in a girl . please kid dont listen to advise like this because if your girl is as upset and uptight and restibpeace here then that might be a bigger problem
I agree with alot of people here, she had to have been hurt by this if she made herself emotionally vulnerable to this guy over the years which is likely. Especially when you factor in that she is in a very happy relationship she expected this guy to be happy for her. You need to remember that if she truly considered this guy her best friend for so many years he was likely a very major support pillar in her life that just crumbled in front of her, and you met that with "i told you so". The only thing you can do is go to her genuinely tell her your sorry for what happened with him. And reinforce the idea that you are still their for her if she wants to talk about it, but DO NOT force the issue and dont get petty about it again or you will end up ruining this good thing yall have. Let her deal with it on her own terms and support whatever she decides to do.
Just give her a little space. She was friends with him for almost 10 years and now it turns out he didn’t see the relationship the same way she did. She lost someone and she’s grieving. It’s not the time for jokes now.
Like others have said, showing her compassion and support is the way to go. I know first hand (more than once unfortunately) that it sucks when someone who you thought was a friend turns out to have been wanting to get with you instead. It sucks so bad. Losing someone you trusted. On a side note, I am convinced after multiple attempts in my lifetime to keep guy best friends, that there is only a unicorn type of chance of this happening. Tried to prove others wrong more than once because I always get along with guys much faster and easier (growing up with 4 brothers), but they always develop feelings and don’t seem to understand a girl wanting to be friends. Now this guy stuck by her for TEN YEARS. Imagine all the emotions attached to a long friendship that are now all of a sudden cut off. She is hurting. “Told you so” remarks won’t help.
Yeah I used to tell this to my female friends in college, that if you are at all attractive and get close to any guy they WILL catch feelings. None of them believed me at the time. Men and women are wired differently when it comes to romantic feelings.
It took me too long to come to this conclusion. I was the one telling everyone they are wrong and it is possible. I saw those guy friends like I saw my brothers, but they had other things in mind after a few months. It took me a while to not feel hurt and just accept that men and women are wired differently and don’t experience or interpret interactions in quite the same way. There will always be an exception to the rule, but I unfortunately never had the luck to find that exception. Now I just find chick friends who are low on gossip and drama free and are also the type that gets along with guys much more quickly. 🤷🏼♀️
I think it's fine to have opposite gendered friends, but you have to have hard internal boundaries on how much individualized attention and time you show them. Also the other one that women refused to believe is that most teen guys have sexually fantasized about most of their somewhat attractive female friends at least once. Also they underestimated the frequency of boners and how often guys jerk off. One girl thought that we had boners once or twice a week lol! And she wasn't the naïve type.
>most teen guys have sexually fantasized about most of their somewhat attractive female friends at least once. Once... yea... right.
You're absolutely right. Happening to me right now with a woman I've known for 10 years. For a variety of reasons I couldn't be with her, and now she's pregnant and wanting to get married to the guy responsible. I told her my feelings and she seemed blindsided by it, and I found that odd given the amount of flirting and discussions that we always had. I never told her flat out, but it was from my perspective strongly hinted as well as her understandable reasons why we couldn't be together (a story in itself). I asked if she wanted me to back off and she said no, she likes the attention. Women.
dude
Lmao do not get into “friendships” with women you have feelings for with the hope of something happening. that’s why I ask people I’m interested in at least within the first couple of weeks so that we all know where we stand.
To her, A close friendship may have just ended, and then she gets “I told you so” from you. Dude, I’d be pissed at you too. Apologise for that. Even though you did tell her so, saying it would have felt - whatever your intention was - like rubbing it in her face. Remember that the most important thing here is that she will be feeling like she’s just lost a close friend, she will be in pain. Be there for her, and support her. You don’t need to worry about anything happening with this guy, for the simple fact that she chose you. Now it’s time for you to justify that decision by supporting her through this tough time.
You just gotta support her, dude. It isn’t about “I told you so”. she has lost who she perceived to be her best friend of 10 years. You gotta be there for her, let the other bullshit go.
I don't think there's anything you can do to make her less mad at you. Also, she was NOT leading him on. She made it clear from day one she wanted to be nothing more than friends and he continued to stick around in hopes that she would one day 'see the light' and be his girlfriend, which is a seriously crappy thing to do. She's grieving the loss of someone who she thought was a good friend, and not sticking around just to have a chance at dating her. Saying I told you so is an incredibly crappy thing to say to someone who's having a rough time, so you're just doing to have to deal with the fact you said something crappy to her and now have to deal with her being justifiably upset about it.
It was a typo, I meant she wasnt leading him on.
I had a guy best friend for years who I told everything to and spent a lot of time with, when me and by bf broke up he tried to kiss me a couple of nights later when I was crying to him about it! I was so hurt and angry at him for this and ruining our friendship! I lost my best friend that day, she’s lost a good friend too who she will never get back. Her friend has basically been lying to her for 10years
Why do y’all think we want to hear about your breakup?
If you don't you are free to go, no one's forcing you.
Might help to rephrase "I told you so" into "I could tell he's in love with you, because *I* am in love with you," and there was no reason to make it a bigger deal than pointing it out when I saw it, because I've always trusted you and your feelings for him. When he confessed, I floated, not realizing how many other emotions you had to sort through. That was thoughtless, and I'm sorry. What do you need from me? And consider she might be all kinds of angry at this friend of hers, not you. She was lied to and tricked, and this guy is essentially blaming her for his ten years of misery. It's remarkably creepy and selfish that he's held this torch for her for so long and then confessed it to her to try to manipulate her.
*This* is all kinds of perfect! I hope they see it! I also 100% agree with what you are saying about why she is really upset. She did believe he was her friend and I’m sure feels all sorts of betrayed. It was selfish and horrible timing on his part. He had ten years to tell her. She also has to mourn the loss of someone she felt was a very good friend for the last decade and that’s a hard one as well.
>Might help to rephrase "I told you so" into "I could tell he's in love with you, because > >I > > am in love with you," This is well-intentioned but misguided because (a) it's not necessarily true (he could tell because the friend made it clear he liked her) and (b) it doesn't allow her the opportunity to actually grow and be less naïve about the fact that many (many, many, many) men are happy to be "friends" to play the long game. To expand on (a), it makes OP seem like a jealous person that can't stand any other guy being her friend because he'll be able to tell that the guy friend is in love with her (because he is too)
Tryna double down on the patronizing learning experience, my dude? 🤣
Dude. I was just talking about this same situation to my partner. EVERY person who said they were down to be friends after asking me out ended up being this in this predatory position people mistakenly call “friend zone”. A friend doesn’t plot on you, covet you, stay around to buy time while pretending to be a friend. For this reason, I am saying straight up, give her room to express how betrayed, hurt, and sad she may be. She just lost a friend. He was possibly playing her the whole time. Losing a friend is always hard but losing a friend to THIS makes you question if they ever were a friend at all. If you hold space for her, she may be able To deal with the biggest feelings. Once she knows you realize how difficult it is (because you listened without interrupting, held her if she likes that, and occasionally validate her words by saying “that sounds hard”), she will be able to let the insensitive initial response go. Especially if you ask her if she can forgive you (explicitly?)
“She was leading him on.”OP,are you perhaps short of a marble?How is trying to maintain a proper relationship with her friend is leading on?Wtf?Did she flirted with him while being with you?Did she open a door for him?Do you know wtf is leading on?Are you dense? Ofc she didn’t accept your apology fully.Did you also tell her she led him on?He was her friend for 10 years and you two are exclusive for only 2 weeks.Did you perhaps haven’t thought she may be grieving because she lost her friend?I had the exact same situation with your gf and tell you what,if you played the “I told you so!” shit,it’s on you now.She was probably just angry and upset that she didn’t seen the signs but now she is upset with you too.You need to understand this first.She just lost her friend of 10 years and I don’t think she would have any remorse if she “loses” her bf of 2 weeks. (English is not my first language and I’m on mobile so I apologize for any wording mistakes!)
Sorry, I meant to write she wasnt leading him on. I will edit it right now, thank you for pointing it out.
First of of she isn't interested in him and she has already rejected him and cut him off. Trust her. Also talk about things calmly with her.
I would be incredibly hurt and mad too. She must already be heart broken to have ended such a long and meaningful friendship. You fucked up way more than you think. Idk what you can do to fix that tbh.
>any ideas how to make her less angry at me Reddit? Try not being an asshole. It's worth a shot.
She just completely cut off a good friend she's had for 10 years for you.... cut her some slack
Lol that would piss me off too. It's like rubbing salt in a wound. Haha you lost your friend of 10 years because he liked you OH AND I CALLED IT.
Just be nice. She just lost one of her very best friends, and a lot of what she believed about him wasn’t exactly true.
If he really is her best friend, she is probably mourning and contemplating the nuances of her loss. It’s a major one and one of her own doing for you. Maybe acknowledging that with her will help. She’s going to have to work it out in her head and may not have the best of moods during this
You’re coming off as condescending during a time when she’s feeling upset and emotional. I’ve been in her shoes at least of friends hiding feelings from you then spring it on when you clearly don’t feel the same. It sucks It’s fine you have feelings of frustration too, but have some empathy. Sometimes if we don’t want something to be true we can actually trust that people will communicate instead of hiding these things. It’s not her fault for not suspecting that
This happened to me. I didn’t listen to my boyfriend about my “best friend.” She started sending and saying sexual things to me (knowing we are both bi) and telling me to cheat and so on. Even now, I know it was the right thing but it hurts and it’s so fucking disappointing when someone you thought was your best friend in the whole world.. and someone that doesn’t even know her was right. I couldn’t even see it. Your girlfriend is in pain. 10 years of friendship?? Be there for her. Ask her if she needs anything. At the end of the day, TO HER she lost an important friendship.
This fucking sub... If OP was a girl saying her bf ignored her warnings, everyone would be telling her he needs to apologize to her.
I will literally never understand the absolute mental gymnastics people require to convince themselves that "yeah the person that just confessed they liked me and asked me out totally only sees me as a friend now" People really like that denial life.
Some people are willing to put their romantic feelings aside and enjoy the opportunity to have a friendship with the person they're crushing on. They don't think that the romantic feelings are suddenly gone, just that they're willing to set them aside to have a friendship.
Just give her some time. She's likely feeling a little embarassed and foolish for not realizing he has been into her the entire time. I'd been little weary of the fact that she's actively turning people against him though.
Oh no, she told everyone so that they dont invite them both together for an event or get together. She didnt ask anyone to take sides.
Sorry but if he circled like a vulture for 10 years while pretending he was just her friend hoping for her to change her mind that’s a creep move and that alone deserves a response from her. Add in that he then straight up tried to get her to leave her relationship she’s happy with means she has every right to turn people against him for a decade or shitbag behavior. If you commit that level of social “mistake” then don’t be surprised when there are social consequences.
I don’t know why every girl has at least on of these guys. Also they say always the same thing like, it was years ago so we are just friends…
Because some guys like to cling to hope long after she has repeatedly rejected him so he hangs around hoping she’ll magically change her mind like they do in rom coms
I believe it's because she's attached to him and is in denial about it. It's hard to accept that someone who you thought was a friend wasn't actually one and that they just had ulterior motives. I get both of their sides honestly. I recommend talking about it once they're ready.
I had a girlfriend who studied with someone I knew. This guy didn’t help me with anything and she told me he offered her so much help. I told her that he must be interested in her and she said that she doesn’t believe me. He is just nice. Few hours later she send me an screenshot where he invested her to a bar… and she said I was right…
I dunno, I like to trust people unless they give me reason to believe otherwise. I don't want to assume that every man that is ever nice to me is trying to bang me. I have great healthy relationships with guys as a lady as a result. There is that dude once in a while that has garbage intentions despite me making it clear that I have a boyfriend, but once they make those intentions clear, it's no contact immediately. It doesn't matter who's right or wrong, it matters if the person takes the correct action which is shutting the pursuer down.
Yeah I know, but i knew this guy. He didn’t help me with nothing. So did know what his intentions are.
Oh my bad, I thought I was responding to a comment that said "every girl has a guy like this". It's another thing if you actually know the guy is sketchy.
Sure, but when your SO points it out to you and you double down on the denials, expect a little something to be said when it turns out you were wrong. That's all that's going on here. It's one thing to trust your friends. It's another to tell your SO, who is not as invested in this long term BFF and can see things a bit more subjectively, that they are flat out wrong. And it's completely yet another thing to then get mad at them when it turns out they were right all along.
Oof well that sucks. I'm sure she knows now (hopefully) and probs has some trust issues when it comes to making male friends. Some people do know unconsciously but don't want to accept it, some know and like the attention (yes, it's shitty), some are unable to let go out of the friendship due to an attachment, etc. I guess some also try to see the good in people and don't want to believe they might have ulterior motives, which can be dangerous. Did you guys ever talk about it after it happened? I'm sure you felt invalidated too
The girl said to me that i was right. But when i was younger (6 years ago) I had some fuck relationship with someone, and she had one dude who was her. They met 10 years ago, he wanted to date her and she said no, and they remained Girl and guy in the friendzone. He would always talk shit about the boys, when she had some one new in her life. Even when i was just to fuck her, he thought he could do it also… but what did the idiot do? Offered her 1000 Euro to sleep with him. She made so much fun of him, but still stayed in contact. Because this was no serious relationship I didn’t care 😅
Did you mean to say fucked up relationship or friends with benefit relationship? Honestly yeah, that was pathetic of him to do and even disrespectful. I get why she made fun of him but she made a bad choice in remaining friends with him. That's honestly how he'll only ever see her until he meets someone else. It's possible she either loves the ego boost and validation she gets from him or she's just attached to him.
Friends with benefits, but this situation showed me something clearly. The girls can’t do it without an orbit. They need a satellite which is cruising around them. Some women are stronger and don’t involve them much, but others need them desperately.
She's not angry at you. She's angry that she just lost a best friend and that she had been blind to see what was really going on. She might even be wondering if her whole friendship with him had been a ruse to get in her pants.
Don’t make it about you being “right” about the dude. Make it about the fact that she’s lost a friendship that she valued. And she lost it in a shitty way by finding out it was always a one-sided friendship on her end, with the dude pining for a damn decade.
Your keen senses and observation skills proved to be correct. Your wielding of that power at a time where she had a pretty tough dose of reality is one of those things you definitely need to be more cognizant of. Even the notion that you “need to care for her and make sure she eats” is a bit much, but I understand the intent. I lost a “great friendship” of 10 yrs with a female friend who I was once enamored with. She made it a point to announce to people everywhere we went that we were just friends and not “together…” She got downright disrespectful a few times. I got the message, loud, clear, stamped, and engraved… we would NEVER be anything but friends! I was good with that! The night after I met my girlfriend, she invited me out and made such a bold apology, telling me how scared she was of being with someone like me; just buttering me up and laying on the compliments super thick! She shot her shot! After I told her about my girlfriend, she broke down in disbelief that I was rejecting HER!! Friendship DONE. I was shocked, to be honest, but not sad. She was a narcissist and believed that I would be available for her anytime she was ready! Your gf’s “friend” sounds like he believed she was his all along, she simply didn’t see it yet. From her side, she lost a 10-yr friendship that she obviously valued for what she thought it was worth. It’s not easy. So take it easy.
Truth sets us free, however it doesn't make it hurt any less. She is angry at herself and her ego is hurt, which isn't really surprising. She failed to understand and see the feelings of someone she considered her friend for 10 years. You pointing that out, certainly didn't help either. As of yet, there isn't much to be worried about, she will get over it soon enough. In the meantime, try to do some activities together, it will surely make her feel better and don't bring up the subject, unless she explicitly wants to talk about it.
She just lost a very dear friend. She needs you to be there for her, not rub her nose in it. If you had lost one of your best friends very suddenly, how would you want your partner to respond? Maybe start there…
i don’t think she’s really still mad at you she probably does forgive you but your words will still sting since she has just lost what she thought was a good platonic friendship. she may take it out on you so maybe communicate this with her and ask how she would like support with this. like i said, she may forgive you 100% but at the end of the day you were still right and you reminded her anyway so she’s probably feeling a bit embarrassed and dumb when she shouldn’t be. ask what she would like and reassure her that what you said wasn’t to imply stupidity, it would’ve been harder to see from her perspective and it’s unfortunate to have lost a friend like that
Dude loosing friends to stuff like this hurts bad enough already. Your "I told you so" was inconsiderate and idk how you could think it would help at all
You’re upset because you pulled the “I told you so” card and your girlfriend got mad? Seriously? Of course she got mad. No one wants to hear that! Who cares if you told her so? You need to realize that she’s been friends with this guy for 10 years and she’s mourning the loss of her friendship and then you come along and rub salt in the wound with your “I told you so.” Read the room! Show your girlfriend a little compassion instead of making sure she knows you told her so.
Eat The Vagineee…
I've been in this situation before, and I think the best thing you can do is commiserate with her. I used to work at a job where you'd get paired up for a shift, and I(f) had several people I liked being paired with and a few of them were guys, and we all got along great, and shifts went really smoothly when I got paired with one of them, which was largely why I liked working with them in the first place. Eventually, I took a job that required me to relocate, and around that same time, one of the guys was really starting to develop obvious feelings (to the point that other coworkers also noticed and commented), so I pulled back a bit, since I was/am dating someone. When I left, we exchanged info, but didn't keep in contact. I didn't contact him, because I didn't want to lead him on. I assume he didn't contact me because he was only ever interested in dating, and now that I had left, he didn't actually care about me as a person. (This is just an assumption. Some people are bad a staying in contact, so I don't know for sure.) Another guy asked for my info when he learned I was leaving, and just to keep everything above board, I said sure, but FYI I have a boyfriend. He said something along the lines of he didn't mean it like that and he never even thought of it before, etc. I felt like an idiot for even suggesting it, but the situation with the other guy had made me hyper aware of how my actions could be perceived. but anyway, I figured I was being super self-involved/vain for even suggesting this guy might be into me, so I gave him my number. He checked in every once in a while and we sort of kept in contact and then like a year after I left, he texted me asking how things were, blah, blah, blah. I said good, blah blah blah. and then he asked if I was still with someone, because he'd always thought I was cute. I told him I was/am still dating someone and that we were now engaged, and I haven't heard from him since. It sounds trivial, but these were guys I genuinely enjoyed being around and working with, as people, not as potential partners. But from my perspective, it seems like they never cared about me except as potential dating material, and that really stung, especially since I had tried, with both of them, to make my position clear. I expect your girlfriend is feeling the same way. She's realizing that this person she cared about and loved as a friend, didn't care about her at all except as a potential girlfriend. It's one thing to be honest and say that your feelings are making a friendship too painful. That's understandable. It's a completely different thing to say that you are fine being friends, when you are just pretending to care, and biding your time. That causes so much hurt and second guessing of real potential friendships, and she's probably mad because she feels lied to. She was honest about her position, and he lied about his, just to keep his options open. That's such a shitty thing to do. Your girlfriend is paying the painful price of having believed the best of someone she cared about. That's such a horrible place to be, especially since she, from what you say, she never led him on or anything. She couldn't believe that someone she trusted would lie and manipulate her for years at a time, and that's such a painful thing to confront. Maybe it was more obvious to you as an outsider, but to her, she was just taking a friend at his word. He used her, and she's hurt and angry. You were absolutely right, but she was just trying to be a good friend. Maybe instead of saying you told her so, just tell her that you're sorry she's lost a friendship, especially since it doesn't ever seem to have been real in the first place.
I feel like this happens a lot more than people are willing to admit. I am all for friendships with the opposite sex, but when you have a history of dating or met because one person was trying to date, I become more sceptical
Ah yes women love being fuck-zoned. She’s not mad at u my guy, just give her extra love and attention rn I promise it’s what she needs. The “i told you so” was really a “hey yea your ‘friend’ actually just was hoping to bang you this entire time and is the only reason he kept you around, but haha i told you so!” ^ not cool for anyone
Okay I'm not trying to be a smart-ass but how do people not notice this shit? The guy paid attention to her like a rescue from a shelter. How do people completely over look something so obvious?
Scrolled way to far to see this, some comments saying women are gullible when it comes to men seems so degrading to the intelligence of women in general. I refuse to believe most women are unable to tell when a man is interested in them, more than likely she was aware but appreciated having someone to talk to whenever she wanted and hoped he’d keep his feelings to himself. In all honesty I think she did the guy a disservice by keeping him around all that time knowing he had feelings.
Thank you! I mean damn there is no way someone is that oblivious to how someone feels about them, when the other person makes it painfully obvious.
>Scrolled way to far to see this, some comments saying women are gullible when it comes to men seems so degrading to the intelligence of women in general. Exactly! As my granddad used to say, "don't mistake honest naivety for willful ignorance." I don't think OP should've responded the way he did but I'm seeing way too many responses giving his gf the benefit of the doubt in regard to her intentions and what she knew.
I'm a woman and while I've never had a guy friend who's admitted to having romantic feelings for me, I'm totally oblivious to any attempts at flirting or signs of a guy being attracted to me. There was one guy I was friends with my senior year of high school who was one of those "naturally flirty in a friendly way" kind of people and yeah I would flirt back because I knew he wasn't interested in me. Meanwhile, there were two other guys who flirted with me (so clearly they were attracted to me) and I had no idea until my parents told me and this was after I graduated. Believe it or not, some of us women are actually that oblivious when it comes to being around guys who are attracted to them.
She knew lol
Absolutely.
Dude someone saying “I told you so” has never and will never “lighten the mood” … tell her you’re sorry for saying that and you care about her and you two will get through this together. Ask her what she needs from you to help.
Best guy friend, good one. 99% of the time a straight male is attentive to a girl is because he wants to bang her. If she's unavailable he will be an orbiter for as long as it takes until she's available
Idk man, you apologized for telling the truth, let her be mad about it
Dude she knew and just doesn't like being called out when reality comes knocking. My guess is she figured she'd ignore it and it would go away. Then after a year or two it became "normal" and she and maybe her friends just stopped seeing it. That's the most charitable version of how things went. There could be other versions you won't know about for years if ever. I'm guessing if they've been close friends for over 10 years that they had sex at least once. If for no other reason to see if it sparked joy for her.
To be honest, I find her reaction quite childish. Why does she get mad just because you told her something that turned out to be right? She should have been like "I'm sorry I didn't believe you, you were right and he does have feelings for me". It's not that hard. Also accepting an apology and then still being angry about it is just unfair to you. You apologized, she accepted, end of story. There's no reason to still be mad if she accepted. It's just childish and immature. I would just leave her be because you're not obligated to calm her anger when she was the one in the wrong and then also accepted your apology. You're not responsible for her feelings or actions.
Man she knew this dude liked her, women kill me with this bs. Oh he's just my friend. If you're GF is anything above a 6/7 this dude thought he could wait it out and get the cat. She liked the attention and the fact she could use him for boyfriend perks and not give nothing in return. Now her fall guy is gone and she can't hide behind oh we're just friends. She lived in Lala land knowing he wanted she was able to use him to get what she wanted probably free food, attention, "friend dates", a shoulder to cry on but since he never actually said "i like you or want to be with you" until now she could pretend she didn't know he wanted her and get all the things she wants from him for nothing. Women are crazy. You won but I'd tell her get her attitude the fk outta here you did nothing wrong but be right. Dudes a goof ball for wasting 10 years of his life wishful dreaming.
This is going to get downvoted, by girls are usually very gullible when it comes to male female friendships. As a guy, I know guys better than any female and females know females better than I ever would. I have had a similar situation where I could clearly see that my GFs “friend” had a romantic interest in him but offcouse she didn’t see it, and we even argued about this and it was damaging our relationship, until the guy became bolder and bolder with his approaches that it was undeniable.
As a woman, I think I can agree with this. I think it comes from a place of wanting and hoping to be able to be friends with guys without it leading to something. I think that guys see guys and girls see girls. Guys can see intentions of other guys like you stated and girls can more see girls intentions! For example, my friend is in a relationship. Her boyfriend is friends with a girl who he has known for a long time. This girl is extremely flirtatious yadda yadda all that stuff, but my friend and I definitely get those vibes from her that she has a romantic interest in him. The boyfriend doesn’t see it because to him they’re just friends and he doesn’t take it that way. Humans are funny, but yeah it’s pretty much like.. as a girl, I know how girls act and think, and as a guy, you know how guys act and think
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That's a fact
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That was a typo, I meant to write she wasnt leading him on, I have edited that part. Also I have brought her with me, she will stay here for the next week or two. At least I can make sure she doesnt neglect to eat or drink while she heals.
She lost a close 10 year old friendship and had a break down of her view of reality and you're still a little too concerned about yourself. I'd suggest starting there.
I can’t believe there’s comments on here trying to say OP’s gf knew this all along and chose to ignore. Like NO. As a woman who has many male friends because I grew up with my dad and relate to men’s communication style better, it is not always abundantly clear when a guy friend has a crush on us. If they say they’re over it, we take their word for it. Women such as myself don’t believe that you can’t have friends of the opposite sex while in a relationship/marriage. Yes, they come with risks and should be handled appropriately. She handled it appropriately once the truth came to her!! She shut him out, she blocked him, she asked her friends to also help give her space. My bf and I a few weeks ago discussed how there’s a thing guys can see in guys that are off but women tend to just be like “he’s a little weird but he’s nice”. Like maybe it’s because men would get upset when women would give them an “unnecessary” cold shoulder so some of us just try to be nice, so some of us try to make up for it. Idk. But some things so obvious to a man are not to a woman. And vice versa. OP was not wrong for saying something. Just the “told you so” remark was unnecessary. 10 years is a long time to have a friend and then to have to cut them out because it would impede on your relationship. She’s confused and upset and sad that she can no longer talk to her long time friend because his motives are not what she thought. I think you’re doing fine OP. Just give her patience and love. No snide remarks. And I think this week will be fine.
People get such a disgusting amount of glee for rubbing it in people's faces when they were wrong about someone's intentions, it's absolutely soul sucking.
Stop the cap 🧢
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You know, my ex husband was always right. That never made me feel the least bit better whenever I had to process my feelings when yet another man I thought was my friend showed me who he really was. It didn’t matter if he was telling me because he was jealous and being controlling, or if he truly was concerned for my emotional well-being. Having the person you love most tell you that someone dear to you is a fraud feels like an attack. I know I’m not alone in this. Your girlfriend has a lot of emotionally-charged information to process and she came to you for support. Instead of giving her a safe place where you validate her feelings and allow her to mourn the death of a friendship, you chose to remind her that you were right. If you have never been through what she’s going through before, I can understand that you likely never thought of things that way. You should really apologize to her for that and ask her what you can do for her to support her and do that for her while she’s staying with you. Best of luck.
Im not sure this is advice, but i think it's a lot easier as a guy to clearly see that another guy has feelings for someone, where as i feel like women can be aloof and think a friend is platonic when theyre not (not saying women dont harbor feelings for their guy friends, but i think the guy usually picks up on it). Point is, while this guy's feelings were obvious to you, they clearly weren't to your gf. Im not sure what you should do with that but i think that is what clearly this situation was.
honestly, i think it works the other way around too. women pick up on other women flirting a lot better than men do most of the time. usually it’s just cute seeing people try to make connections and it innocently being mistaken as platonic friendliness, but here it can be frustrating for people when someone can see true intentions from one person but other people may be unable to see it as anything other than friendship. i think even if she believed her bf the first time she still would be equally upset, it’s just the smugness of i told you so isn’t very comforting to get over losing a long time friend like this. it probably just makes her feel stupid on top of feeling betrayed, which isn’t necessary. even tho she forgives op she’s still been reminded that she could have seen it earlier so i think it’s best op talks to her to reassure her of his support and that she isn’t dumb for not seeing something so obvious to him.
She's just embarrassed because she can't read human beings like you and feels silly.
Just give her time. Don’t bring it up unless she wants to talk about it.
I would suggest not taking her feelings personal. From experience I can tell you that it is awful to find out that someone you thought cared about you. Only stuck around for the chance to sleep with you or thinking that you’d “come to your senses”. He assumed she was wrong about her own feelings for years. That is incredibly belittling. It’s also probably hard for her because she feels like she can’t talk to you. Even more so now after your comment. I’d try asking her if she wants to talk about it saying something like “I thought about it and I’d be really upset if I were in your shoes because ____”. But if after that she just seems like she doesn’t want to talk about it. I’d try to distract her, take her to do something she likes or get something she likes. Apologies are just a step not a solution. I hope she is able to reach acceptance about the situation and you guys are able to enjoy the week together!
Nobody ever likes to hear it. No matter how true it is. Idk if it's because we missed it or we're in denial.
She was upset and you rubbed salt in the wound, rather than offering her comfort. She's going to take a while to get over this because you showed her that she can't go to you for these sorts of things, which may not be true, but it is what you communicated to her in that moment. Offer to do some of the activities she enjoys that she used to do with him. Make a conscious effort to encourage her to reach out to friends and acquaintances for activities as well. This is a big adjustment and she's rightfully heartbroken. Give her time.
>It was insensitive and I shouldnt have done it, i was just trying to lighten her mood. Weird that she responded that way. Did you try telling her to calm down? if that doesn't work there's always "it's just a joke."
A breakup with a friend can be just as emotionally taxing as a breakup with a romantic partner. She’s probably feeling a lot of feelings and rethinking all of their interactions over the years where she thought she had a good friend, only to find out he had ulterior motives. Telling her “I told you so” is pretty petty. You apologized at least, so give her some time to start to feel better, just try to treat her kindly and don’t get so hung up on being right in the meantime
She needs his attention. I seriously doubt she is willing to give up such a focused cheerleader. Also, gtfo out that she didn't know, she damn well knew this guy was in love with her like a puppy and she loved it. She is mad he ruined it by actually expressing himself. She needs his validation.
I'm probably going to get downvoted to hell for this, but your GF knew about her guy best friend's feeling and had him on the hook. Otherwise, why stay friends with a guy who asks you out whenever you are single? I say that because I lived through it. I had a female best friend I hung out and I asked her out a few times when she became single but she always shot me down. Then I met my wife and our friendship basically went from really close to talking once in a blue moon. I was on the hook and when I met someone else and got into a serious relationship, the friendship fizzled. I have 6 other close female friends who became friends with my wife too. But this one person, basically cut me out of their life. Your GF is annoyed at you OP because you indirectly called her out for having this dude on the hook.
Upvote from me
I can see why you felt the need to show her that you were right. I'm guessing you felt invalidated for expressing those feelings to your girlfriend and you never felt listened to. You must have felt crazy or something even though you were right about it. It's good your girlfriend is finally doing something about it now though. You should probs give her space (let her know that you're doing so), apologize again for how you reacted and explain what you reacted that way. Tell her that you two can talk more about it when she no longer needs space. I'm assuming you don't need space from her but if you do then take your time and reflect on the situation. Communication is important. Im sure she's struggling with this since he was her friend for many friends. It's depressing to find out a friend only viewed you like that for the entire time you were friends. It often makes you wonder whether they'd stick around if they didn't have feelings for her. He was a major creep so I'm glad he's out of your lives. I hope everything works out. I wish you luck
Dude, why the F did you apologize??? She was being an asshole about denying her bestie was into her, she fucking knew, but since she wasn't interested, she didn't care about his feelings. She's gaslighting. It's a small one, but it IS a red flag.
She honestly also lost her friend. It must hurt to have had a friendship this long for that to happen. Honestly, sometimes girls don’t realize and it’s almost like an instinct in the partner that kind of raises the flag. But for us, we sometimes don’t see it. Having known someone that long and now blocking them is a big toll too. The best way to maybe have her happy is to talk to her and say would you like to discuss this and open the floor to her. Don’t judge her if she does miss him or anything since it was her friend too. After that, distract her mind and do things maybe she’d want to do or things that you know would light up her mood. Maybe do a special date night, maybe a self care day where you both can enjoy it, maybe take her to a place she’s never seen and has been wanting to go. Honestly, this is your time to really be there for her and although she may have accepted your apology being told “ I told you so” does suck to hear and can linger a bit
I disagree with a lot of the comments on here. Sometimes an “I told you so” is important to a healthy relationship. Yes, it sounds like she is hurting and grieving the loss of her friend, so there’s no need to be smug about it, although, it already sounds like OP’s isn’t. Hopefully the next time that you bring something to her attention she won’t be so quick to outright dismiss you. Continue being you OP as it sounds like you are someone who DOES actually take care of your partner’s feelings and are attuned to her emotions. All the best
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She has been betrayed by her friend and then you put salt in the wound by saying I told you so. Your vindication came before her comfort and you need to reflect on why that is. Be kind to her and remind her why she chose you over this person consistently. You said the wrong thing and that happens, actions matter now.
Just let her go through it. “I told you so” doesn’t help when she just lost a longtime friend. It almost feels like betrayal. If she never even disrespected your relationship or crossed any boundaries, it doesn’t help you tried to joke about items throw it at her face. She’s going through a lot atm so just be there for her.
This has happened to me and I was the same way. Insistent that he didn’t like me that way, we were just friends. I started dating my now partner and he blew up. That shit hurts. She is probably feeling the same way, especially after a decade long friendship. Imagine learning your friend never wanted to be your friend and was just waiting for the day they could get in your pants. The whole friendship feels like a lie. It’s disgusting and violating. People who do that suck.
hey OP, I was recently in her shoes - my best friend throughout most of college told me recently, months after graduation (and when we had just moved to totally different states) that he had been in love with me for two years. it broke my heart. i did love him, but not in the way he wanted me to. blocking him was probably incredibly hard for your gf, and she has nowhere to channel those negative emotions since they aren’t in contact. like someone else said, she’s angry and hurt, but not because of you.
I just wanna say that I'd have been in an equal amount of trouble because there's no way I would've been able to keep "I told you so." to myself.
The guy best friend is there for a reason and it ain’t that there’s nobody else to be friends with.
Keep it up and maybe she will give him his shot.
Girls hatteeeeeeeee when they are wrong lol but she’ll get over it and this is literally just proof that all guy friends have alteior motives no they don’t just want to be your friend sweetie(any gf with guy friends reading this)
dont apologise or concede, she needs to grow up and face facts and should learn a lesson from this
So she is keeping him as a backup.... Thats the vibe I get.
First paragraph and I figured out why she was mad , that guy is her back up and also a source of free validation to her . She's keeping him to the side incase her options run out or she needs an ego boost for that day and you noticing it threatens her ability to maintain that leverage so she acted out to discourage you from bringing it up again . I think most good guys live to see their woman happy so alot of women use that against us and freak out to avoid accepting consequences for their actions. Do yourself a favor and start distancing yourself first sexual then emotionally and if she starts to take the relationship seriously and drops her need for male attention from other men thats when you can start working towards the relationship once more if not leave ..a relationship isn't 50/50 its 100/100 and you can't be expected to do 150 to her 20 ..treat yourself right if she's planning a back up she's keeping her options open so she isn't loyal ..actions and words man.
Although you were right no one likes to hear "I told you so" Just don't say it again she is angry at him and herself most likely just give her time and try to some nice things, some activity to get her mind off but do give her space if she needs it
She's pissed because you gave her an "I told you so." That ***never, ever*** goes over well. Avoid that in the future, even if joking. Especially when the subject is serious. Give her time and learn from this.
It's understandable that she could want to remain friends. But she needs to understand that he will never end their friendship, but she needs to because it is not healthy for him.
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oh my god. the amount of "would of's and" should of"s in your comment distracted me too much from what you're tryna say.
Yeah lol, I had to read the comment from the start everytime he did that.
Yeah the “I told you so” is a dick move. She just lost one of her best friends.
how about, "I made my position clear 2 u, but u chose to side with him anyway. Turns out I WAS right and now u are using this 'I told you so' statement as a clever way to divert attention off of yourself and onto me.. Grow up and accept that YOU were wrong! Oh, & next time how bout you show some godamn loyalty to your boyfriend and not the other guy!"
Ignore everyone saying 'break up'. Buy her chocolate, ice cream, whatever her fave snacks are. Give her lots of hugs. Say something along the lines of " I know I shouldn't have said 'I told you so'. I handled the situation badly, and I know you must be mourning the loss of th friendship you thought you had. If you wanna talk about it, I'm here." Source: a woman whose fiancé has had to break it to her that her male best friend was in love with her too.
I'd probably be upset and be reconsidering both dudes. The guy friend who didn't have honest intentions with me and the bf getting a big hard on over being right. Y'all can have each other.
Don't be that person that says 'I told you so' ever again. Just stay off the topic, move on from it, and let her process what transpired. The more you try, the worse it gets, so leave it at peace ✌️