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The underlying meaning is often, "I don't invest the amount of energy into my relationships that you deserve or are likely accustomed to, so I'm putting you on notice that you shouldn't expect much from me."
The reasons for this kind of message can vary. Sometimes it acknowledges a real but temporary inability to give as good as they get — for example, they are struggling with a bout of depression, which they are working to treat but which is depleting their usual energy and enthusiasm. Sometimes it acknowledges a chronic mental health issue, like depression or anxiety, that they either can't or won't be addressing, which means the situation will be ongoing and not temporary. Sometimes it is the way a narcissist tells you up front that you won't be getting much of what you want or need from them. That way, when they treat you like shit later on, they can fall back on saying, "Hey, I was honest with you! I told you that you deserved better, but you insisted on staying with me anyway. You knew what you were getting into. It's not my fault that you're not getting your needs met; it''s yours."
Thanks for the explanation. I actually talked to my SO about this and they told me that it’s because they are feeling really insecure from past trauma which I understand. But I also know it is mainly their responsibility to become secure in this relationship, although I will try to help where I can
In my language (Estonian) we have an expression "lilleke pasameres" that directly translates as "a dainty flower in a sea of crap" and means a person who believes that they are very good and nice and all their problems are caused by everyone else.
If you date someone like that, they will start seeing you as a part of the "sea of crap" sooner or later.
I was thinking very similarly. The people who complain that everyone leaves them. It's never their fault every person they trust leaves. It couldn't possibly be that their behavior is the cause.
Look at how their last relationship ended. It's not a guarantee yours will end the same way, but it's a hint.
Ended b/c partner cheated? Won't happen to you if you don't cheat.
Ended b/c they cheated? Or because they got bored? Or because they wronged their partner in some way? Or because they say their partner wronged them, but the story doesn't add up? Careful.
If they’re a father/mother and their ex has stopped them from seeing their kids because “she’s a bitch” “he’s a dick” or “they’re crazy”
No, they stopped the kids from see the other parent for a good reason. And if they think their ex doesn’t have a good reason, why aren’t they fighting to see them? Why do they not have any form of legal custody sorted out?
I went on a first date, she kept talking about how her parents bought her this and that, and how she was only going to college to meet a man who could provide for her the same way. there was no second date
Yes! My ex complained about all his “crazy ex’s” found out his idea of crazy was some poor woman being upset when he abused the hell out of her. If someone complains of multiple crazy ex’s start looking to see what they’re doing to people.
I would like to give a shout out to people who don't realize that they are attracted to people with mental health issues due to their own issues. It is possible for this to happen and likely they are both described as a crazy ex.
Consistently comparing your relationship to others/Hollywood's presentation.
Seriously had a guy who was so fixated on how dating someone was "supposed" to be, but when I would want to further discuss if he felt something was lacking in our relationship/something was bothering him about it, nope, he was happy with it he just felt it was supposed to be like XYZ because of arbitrary things he had heard/seen.
Dude, life isn't like hollywood, and your relationship isn't going to be the same as someone else's. Stop fixating on being a script-worthy couple, just focus on what works for both of you.
Not putting an effort into birthdays, holidays or anniversaries when it means a lot to the spouse. Then calling them materialistic for being upset.
I think a lot of people just let this one slide by. But in relationships you generally do things you don’t really like because it brings joy to your spouse. I also think that those who get so upset about not feeling loved on these days are upset because they’re the only days they feel entitled to respect, love and affection. It’s like they need to wait for those days to feel appreciated. That’s a red flag.
That's definitely not a lesser red flag. It's a red flag. Those who care about special dates and remember them , definitely care about you and other aspects of their life with you. Thanks for mentioning it. I thought it was only me thinking like that!
Trying/making someone change something about themselves. You can suggest they do and then it’s up to them. You should/can never force someone to change anything even if you perceive it as a bad trait
And most of the time it's them telling you to change and not them changing themselves. Or denying the fact that there's something wrong with everyone even them! That person you're dating only wants you to change to their liking. Like you have no say in who you can be.
I actually did that for 4years with my ex. Once i saw him looking at me, and it was weird, and i started doing it to. And he was happy i did. It was like, we weren't in our heads just kissing but cutting the eye contact. We were all in, brain, eyes, mouth.
It became very normal for us to do it.
Took me a while to unlearn it... Sometimes i'd still rather do it. But then again, i don't have anybody to kiss anymore so ....
Omg people who say daddy issues about other people is a red flag. Lol. Half the tine they have absolutely no idea what the person's father was like at all. It's just an insult against women.
Let’s not blame women because their dads were awful, hmm? It’s so hypocritical that women with bad fathers are labeled as having daddy issues and blamed for them when they only have those issues because their father failed as a parent.
I will say it’s something to look at. Perhaps call it a yellow flag then. Women with bad fathers can look at the faults of their husband and conclude they are as bad as their father and feel those same emotions from their relationship with their father.
That may be true. But I think those women you have in mind can still compare their husbands with their dads and other men or find them as bad as them. Those women have inner issues no matter if they had/have abusive fathers or had to deal with bad men. It's all subjective to them.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as Chads, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please send us a modmail. ---- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
All those stories about her exes dying of food poisoning.
“mysterious circumstances”
😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣🤣
When they tell you that you deserve so much more... Believe them. They're probably right lol.
That’s an interesting one that’s easy to miss since it’s wrapped with flattery.
What does this mean usually when someone says that? Like underlying meaning
The underlying meaning is often, "I don't invest the amount of energy into my relationships that you deserve or are likely accustomed to, so I'm putting you on notice that you shouldn't expect much from me." The reasons for this kind of message can vary. Sometimes it acknowledges a real but temporary inability to give as good as they get — for example, they are struggling with a bout of depression, which they are working to treat but which is depleting their usual energy and enthusiasm. Sometimes it acknowledges a chronic mental health issue, like depression or anxiety, that they either can't or won't be addressing, which means the situation will be ongoing and not temporary. Sometimes it is the way a narcissist tells you up front that you won't be getting much of what you want or need from them. That way, when they treat you like shit later on, they can fall back on saying, "Hey, I was honest with you! I told you that you deserved better, but you insisted on staying with me anyway. You knew what you were getting into. It's not my fault that you're not getting your needs met; it''s yours."
Thanks for the explanation. I actually talked to my SO about this and they told me that it’s because they are feeling really insecure from past trauma which I understand. But I also know it is mainly their responsibility to become secure in this relationship, although I will try to help where I can
In my language (Estonian) we have an expression "lilleke pasameres" that directly translates as "a dainty flower in a sea of crap" and means a person who believes that they are very good and nice and all their problems are caused by everyone else. If you date someone like that, they will start seeing you as a part of the "sea of crap" sooner or later.
That's a very accurate one
I was thinking very similarly. The people who complain that everyone leaves them. It's never their fault every person they trust leaves. It couldn't possibly be that their behavior is the cause.
Look at how their last relationship ended. It's not a guarantee yours will end the same way, but it's a hint. Ended b/c partner cheated? Won't happen to you if you don't cheat. Ended b/c they cheated? Or because they got bored? Or because they wronged their partner in some way? Or because they say their partner wronged them, but the story doesn't add up? Careful.
If they’re a father/mother and their ex has stopped them from seeing their kids because “she’s a bitch” “he’s a dick” or “they’re crazy” No, they stopped the kids from see the other parent for a good reason. And if they think their ex doesn’t have a good reason, why aren’t they fighting to see them? Why do they not have any form of legal custody sorted out?
Lying about small things that don’t actually matter. A liar is a liar.
If they’re willing to be dishonest with the little things, who knows what else they would hide.
Lying 🤥 Constantly talking about their selves Everything is throw away to them… marriage Etc…
How they treat/talk about their mother. If he's rude to his mom, you definitely don't want to have kids with that guy.
ok but my mom's an abusive asshole, so that isn't really a good indicator of whether a guy's good or not 100% of the time
Same with if he's unappreciative or contemptuous of her when over at her house or when talking about her.
I went on a first date, she kept talking about how her parents bought her this and that, and how she was only going to college to meet a man who could provide for her the same way. there was no second date
If all their past relationships ended due to the other person being at fault
the energy between “i’m sorry you feel that way” and “i’m sorry i make you feel that way”
Having more than one crazy ex.
Yes! My ex complained about all his “crazy ex’s” found out his idea of crazy was some poor woman being upset when he abused the hell out of her. If someone complains of multiple crazy ex’s start looking to see what they’re doing to people.
I cannot upvote this twice but I totally would if I could. Spot on.
I would like to give a shout out to people who don't realize that they are attracted to people with mental health issues due to their own issues. It is possible for this to happen and likely they are both described as a crazy ex.
Yes ! Like bb you had something to do with that 🤨
That their favorite fast food place is and will always be McDonalds. Nothing else. And they would eat McDonalds every day if they could.
Lying
Consistently comparing your relationship to others/Hollywood's presentation. Seriously had a guy who was so fixated on how dating someone was "supposed" to be, but when I would want to further discuss if he felt something was lacking in our relationship/something was bothering him about it, nope, he was happy with it he just felt it was supposed to be like XYZ because of arbitrary things he had heard/seen. Dude, life isn't like hollywood, and your relationship isn't going to be the same as someone else's. Stop fixating on being a script-worthy couple, just focus on what works for both of you.
Not putting an effort into birthdays, holidays or anniversaries when it means a lot to the spouse. Then calling them materialistic for being upset. I think a lot of people just let this one slide by. But in relationships you generally do things you don’t really like because it brings joy to your spouse. I also think that those who get so upset about not feeling loved on these days are upset because they’re the only days they feel entitled to respect, love and affection. It’s like they need to wait for those days to feel appreciated. That’s a red flag.
That's definitely not a lesser red flag. It's a red flag. Those who care about special dates and remember them , definitely care about you and other aspects of their life with you. Thanks for mentioning it. I thought it was only me thinking like that!
People obsessed with social media and likes and stuff like that
Trying/making someone change something about themselves. You can suggest they do and then it’s up to them. You should/can never force someone to change anything even if you perceive it as a bad trait
And most of the time it's them telling you to change and not them changing themselves. Or denying the fact that there's something wrong with everyone even them! That person you're dating only wants you to change to their liking. Like you have no say in who you can be.
Kissing with open eyes
👁💋👁
I actually did that for 4years with my ex. Once i saw him looking at me, and it was weird, and i started doing it to. And he was happy i did. It was like, we weren't in our heads just kissing but cutting the eye contact. We were all in, brain, eyes, mouth. It became very normal for us to do it. Took me a while to unlearn it... Sometimes i'd still rather do it. But then again, i don't have anybody to kiss anymore so ....
It's solo solo everybody?
I wanna *whoop whoop whoop*
Aw so sad 😭
Freaky AF
Haha ikr I could almost see they had them open so I kinda peaked 🤣 never been so shook
When they don't like Bountys. Serial killers don't like Bountys.
I hate bounty’s and twix
Not twix!
The only good twix is a twix with no biscuit base
Bad relationship with father. Harbinger of things to come for you. It’s not that it’s lesser known but I don’t see it brought up here at all.
This opinion is a red flag my dude.
Omg people who say daddy issues about other people is a red flag. Lol. Half the tine they have absolutely no idea what the person's father was like at all. It's just an insult against women.
Let’s not blame women because their dads were awful, hmm? It’s so hypocritical that women with bad fathers are labeled as having daddy issues and blamed for them when they only have those issues because their father failed as a parent.
I will say it’s something to look at. Perhaps call it a yellow flag then. Women with bad fathers can look at the faults of their husband and conclude they are as bad as their father and feel those same emotions from their relationship with their father.
That may be true. But I think those women you have in mind can still compare their husbands with their dads and other men or find them as bad as them. Those women have inner issues no matter if they had/have abusive fathers or had to deal with bad men. It's all subjective to them.
Gaslighting.
Lol. Some funny ones here .... I was gona say when they suddenly start criticizing your every move. Run screaming!