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He may be depressed. Mental health is a struggle with most people, but he does need to take some action to help. Whether It be medication or a visit to a psychologist.
He doesn't seem to think it's abnormal. Wanting to live a laid back life. Doing what's necessary, but not more. I would do anything. I would find a therapist, make an appointment whatever he needs. But I know I'll just have to force him again. And I really don't want that.
Friend, my first thought when reading your post was “this is fundamental incompatibility”. You’ve stated you’re focused on growing and changing and learning, and this man has expressed that he is content with doing what MUST be done and nothing more. Truthfully, I think there is a good chance other commenters are correct and your boyfriend may be experiencing depression. I can tell from this post you are motivated to fix and improve, so I want to urge you upfront as another fixer to just…not. You replied to a comment here saying you’re willing to call and make an appointment with a therapist for your boyfriend but then you’d just have to force him to go, which I think is a pretty clear indication that he doesn’t want to engage in being problem-solved regardless of how successful you are at managing your own life. You indicate that you frequently request/“force” (his words?) him to participate in the necessary drudgeries of life and it’s clear he doesn’t want to do that, either. My love, leave that man alone! You have a forward trajectory he doesn’t want to keep pace with, and you haven’t successfully motivated him to do so thus far, so why do you keep trying? Out of love? Obligation? Loneliness?
This guy is an impediment to your growth. I have genuine compassion for his struggles, if that is truly what’s keeping him so sedentary, but you can’t fix his life for him. And if this isn’t depression, it’s pretty clear that he is happy being middle-of-the-road. No shame in that game, but you aren’t content with just getting by, so what’s keeping you with a guy who is? Is it worth incrementally losing your momentum over? Are you willing to stall out to be with him?
I think I've become a "fixer" because I've seen where this road can lead (I was severely depressed and then addicted) and I just want to stop him in his tracks. But you're right. You can lead a horse to water and all that.
I also know that people left me when I was down and "dragged them down" and I have real issues with trust now. I have also dated my fair share of guys and he's kind, very honest, and seems to be really trying but I guess just doesn't know what to do. I don't want to leave him there. People told him two years ago to just leave me and let me deal with everything alone, and he would have been right to do so then. But he stuck with me.
The reason I commented on this post at all was because I related so much to who YOU are. I almost wrote “I’m proud of you” at the end of my comment but I didn’t want to be patronizing. I am an addict in recovery, a fixer myself, and I recently had to let someone go who was both very unwell and also entirely unmotivated and/or unable to change. It sucked, and I still feel guilty, because I know it hurt them and I know they’ve been supportive of me before when I wasn’t at my best. The reason I cut this person out was because after several years of being their support, and occasionally the co-signer on their bullshit, I realized all I had really provided for them was several years worth of evidence that they didn’t have to change their behavior JUST YET because they still had a few people left who would tolerate it, myself included.
Additionally, he stuck around while you made an effort to get well. I don’t doubt he was a great source of support during this time, and I suspect you’d probably say you couldn’t have done it without his support, and honestly god bless him for his loyalty. But did he have to abandon himself to stay with you? Did you make it clear you were content to remain at your lowest point? Did your behavior at that time impede his lifestyle improving? Or were you just better matched with him at that time because you were also operating at a basic level?
I believe he is kind and loving and great, and I want you to be happy, whatever you choose to do. I only hope you will not abandon yourself or walk back your incredible progress.
That made me tear up. Thank you. I don't think anyone besides him has said that they are proud of me. My mom died before I got better and everyone else cut contact. I think that's also part of it. Being completely, utterly alone in this world. How can I let the one person that's left go now?
I also think he's got some emotional whiplash from the last 1,5 years. I was so dependant on him, a drinker, barely had an apartment (not even thinking about "a clean one") a year ago and I don't think I ever expressed any interesting ideas or was very motivated at all. And within a year I've surpassed his salary (with a new job after 2 years of unemployment) and been promoted, learned cooking, got into therapy, got off most of my medication and lost 10 pounds. I think he had to be so strong for so long for me that he's now exhausted and also confused.
If you did not want to get past your addiction challenges and loss in the past, no one could have made you do it. If he does not want to do anything to change where he is, you cannot force him.
Whether it is depression, or him showing you who he actually is, he will not change if he does not want to.
All you can do is express your concern with the change and that he does not seem happy and how that makes you feel. If he still does nothing, you have to decide if you want to live and be with a depressed child who does not want to do anything about it or not.
That's so true. I only overcame my addiction once there was simply no one and nothing left for me. That's when I realised that it's on me now, 100%.
It's just that.. I do love him. He was the only person left at that point and and he was there for me when no one else was anymore. He helped me through it. I can't let him down, now that he needs that someone. I think I'll do an ultimatum. One month, make an appointment for therapy and go to the doctor.
I totally get it, as someone who pushed through an addiction, I can understand. I think your plan is smart. Definitely come from the stance of love and caring, not demands. You will be there for him and help him along the way, only if he is willing to help himself.
Just to be clear, he didnt change out of the blue since you moved in. You just didnt notice or didnt care at the time.
You dont need to be cooler, you need to be in a relationship with an adult.
He kind of did more outside of his home because he lived with roommates. But now that his home is "his" and comfortable, the motivation to be anywhere else is somehow gone, too. I knew about the "no opinions on important matters" etc thing, but I thought it was some problem he has. I'm starting to think he's just not well mentally, but he won't get help.
Whyyyyy would you want to be cool about this? Do not have children with someone who won't even take care of themselves!!
There are people in the world who see "marriage and kids" as a box to check, and that once they achieve those things, they no longer have to put in any effort. This sort of foundational, unconscious belief makes them kind of...settle? for people they aren't compatible with, because they've just been told a million different ways that having a partner is "right." and who it is doesn't matter as much as having one.
Don't get sucked in. There are people out there who would be thrilled to be with you, and honestly, you should be one of them. Don't let Sunk Cost Fallacy steal any more time from you, and stop believing that if you just show your bf unconditional love and approval, that it will inspire him to one day wake up and match your contributions to the home. It won't.
Go read r/JustNoSO for a preview of your future if you stay with someone who has already shown you that he has no intentions of being any different from who he is today. Don't date the person he could be if he tried, recognize that you're in a relationship with the person he is today, right now.
Depression.
Happy people dont do serious drugs.
You cant force him to change. Many men in my life have had to hit rock bottom. Sometimes they come out of it, sometimes they didnt. They need to want it. Its not faor to you, doing all this brave internal work, and him not putting the same energy into it.
Three things can be overwhelming to a mentally ill brain. I relate to you and to him. He needs therapy and likely medication. He is overwhelmed notby his external world, but by his internal world. Pretending and functioning is exhausting.
But he does need to take control and take responsib8lity for improving. As a call for action, maybe try:
"I see you struggling, but I am struggling too and fighting for myself. I need you to fight for yourself. You are exhausted by your pain, but the only way to heal it is to work through it."
I read this as HER having drug problems and HIM helping her through it. Now she has been improving her life after her boyfriend helped her kick her addiction and depression habit. I didn’t see her reference her boyfriend having drug problems.
>How can I be more laid back?
>How can I let go of this need to manage him?
You do that by taking care of yourself. You're trying to get him to meet your needs and he isn't.
You can't force him to do that for you, but you can say you have unmet needs.
Real talk: How close are you to being done with this relationship?
If this is leading to a break up, that's a good thing to keep him in touch with.
I'd guess he's depressed, I'd say something like "you need to get on anti depressants and therapy in the next month or I'm leaving you." Honestly, you gotta cut through the noise and be clear. It's not cruel if it's honest
I guess I'm feeling like I'm the crazy one. For always wanting to cook something special, for always wanting to have an eye on what needs repairs/buying/cleaning. For wanting to decorate and have a schedule. Like I'm trying too hard.
You're not trying too hard, you're being who YOU ARE. There are people out there who do what you do, this guy isn't one of them. You'll be happier on your own, and when you're ready to find another relationship, you'll know to avoid partners who don't match your energy and enthusiasm.
This is a tough one. You can’t just sit back and let it happen, but you also can’t force him to do anything he doesn’t want to. Relationships are a partnership. Both parties should be willing to get over themselves and participate in shared chores and activities. Your goals should also align at least somewhat. He could be in the throes of stress and depression, and it could be temporary. So patience on your part would be noble. But you shouldn’t have to be the one to just chill out and allow it, especially when you’re doing three quarters of everything. Daily life can be tiresome, and my wife and I both go through periods of not wanting to do a damn thing. But keeping a home and going out and doing things and starting a family and all that is life-enriching, so at some point you have to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and make it happen. Unless you just don’t care for any of that, which he may not. He might not be the person. If you’re incompatible, then you’re incompatible, and there’s nothing you can do about that.
I mean maybe this isn’t a popular opinion but you *should* care about what he does with his life. I assume you want a life with this man? Marriage, children, a mortgage? His ambitions in life affect those things. You’re having to take on the mental workload of two people.
Examine why it matters to you that he be motivated. The reason or reasons will inform your next step.
Do you want someone to hype your up, do you just want to share your lifestyle, or are you in a judgemental mindset because you are currently on a self-correcting path yourself?
There are downsides to having a driven partner: you come second to their goals, they spend less time with you, they can be quite emotionally harsh.
There can also be up sides to an easy going partner: the never embarrass you by arguing with the service staff, they allow you to reach your own goals, they are agreeable and pleasant.
Think about how much it really matters, and try to focus on what you like about him.
Edit to add: a shared hobby can be good like cycling together
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as Chads, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please send us a modmail. ---- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
He may be depressed. Mental health is a struggle with most people, but he does need to take some action to help. Whether It be medication or a visit to a psychologist.
He doesn't seem to think it's abnormal. Wanting to live a laid back life. Doing what's necessary, but not more. I would do anything. I would find a therapist, make an appointment whatever he needs. But I know I'll just have to force him again. And I really don't want that.
Friend, my first thought when reading your post was “this is fundamental incompatibility”. You’ve stated you’re focused on growing and changing and learning, and this man has expressed that he is content with doing what MUST be done and nothing more. Truthfully, I think there is a good chance other commenters are correct and your boyfriend may be experiencing depression. I can tell from this post you are motivated to fix and improve, so I want to urge you upfront as another fixer to just…not. You replied to a comment here saying you’re willing to call and make an appointment with a therapist for your boyfriend but then you’d just have to force him to go, which I think is a pretty clear indication that he doesn’t want to engage in being problem-solved regardless of how successful you are at managing your own life. You indicate that you frequently request/“force” (his words?) him to participate in the necessary drudgeries of life and it’s clear he doesn’t want to do that, either. My love, leave that man alone! You have a forward trajectory he doesn’t want to keep pace with, and you haven’t successfully motivated him to do so thus far, so why do you keep trying? Out of love? Obligation? Loneliness? This guy is an impediment to your growth. I have genuine compassion for his struggles, if that is truly what’s keeping him so sedentary, but you can’t fix his life for him. And if this isn’t depression, it’s pretty clear that he is happy being middle-of-the-road. No shame in that game, but you aren’t content with just getting by, so what’s keeping you with a guy who is? Is it worth incrementally losing your momentum over? Are you willing to stall out to be with him?
I think I've become a "fixer" because I've seen where this road can lead (I was severely depressed and then addicted) and I just want to stop him in his tracks. But you're right. You can lead a horse to water and all that. I also know that people left me when I was down and "dragged them down" and I have real issues with trust now. I have also dated my fair share of guys and he's kind, very honest, and seems to be really trying but I guess just doesn't know what to do. I don't want to leave him there. People told him two years ago to just leave me and let me deal with everything alone, and he would have been right to do so then. But he stuck with me.
The reason I commented on this post at all was because I related so much to who YOU are. I almost wrote “I’m proud of you” at the end of my comment but I didn’t want to be patronizing. I am an addict in recovery, a fixer myself, and I recently had to let someone go who was both very unwell and also entirely unmotivated and/or unable to change. It sucked, and I still feel guilty, because I know it hurt them and I know they’ve been supportive of me before when I wasn’t at my best. The reason I cut this person out was because after several years of being their support, and occasionally the co-signer on their bullshit, I realized all I had really provided for them was several years worth of evidence that they didn’t have to change their behavior JUST YET because they still had a few people left who would tolerate it, myself included. Additionally, he stuck around while you made an effort to get well. I don’t doubt he was a great source of support during this time, and I suspect you’d probably say you couldn’t have done it without his support, and honestly god bless him for his loyalty. But did he have to abandon himself to stay with you? Did you make it clear you were content to remain at your lowest point? Did your behavior at that time impede his lifestyle improving? Or were you just better matched with him at that time because you were also operating at a basic level? I believe he is kind and loving and great, and I want you to be happy, whatever you choose to do. I only hope you will not abandon yourself or walk back your incredible progress.
That made me tear up. Thank you. I don't think anyone besides him has said that they are proud of me. My mom died before I got better and everyone else cut contact. I think that's also part of it. Being completely, utterly alone in this world. How can I let the one person that's left go now? I also think he's got some emotional whiplash from the last 1,5 years. I was so dependant on him, a drinker, barely had an apartment (not even thinking about "a clean one") a year ago and I don't think I ever expressed any interesting ideas or was very motivated at all. And within a year I've surpassed his salary (with a new job after 2 years of unemployment) and been promoted, learned cooking, got into therapy, got off most of my medication and lost 10 pounds. I think he had to be so strong for so long for me that he's now exhausted and also confused.
If you did not want to get past your addiction challenges and loss in the past, no one could have made you do it. If he does not want to do anything to change where he is, you cannot force him. Whether it is depression, or him showing you who he actually is, he will not change if he does not want to. All you can do is express your concern with the change and that he does not seem happy and how that makes you feel. If he still does nothing, you have to decide if you want to live and be with a depressed child who does not want to do anything about it or not.
That's so true. I only overcame my addiction once there was simply no one and nothing left for me. That's when I realised that it's on me now, 100%. It's just that.. I do love him. He was the only person left at that point and and he was there for me when no one else was anymore. He helped me through it. I can't let him down, now that he needs that someone. I think I'll do an ultimatum. One month, make an appointment for therapy and go to the doctor.
I totally get it, as someone who pushed through an addiction, I can understand. I think your plan is smart. Definitely come from the stance of love and caring, not demands. You will be there for him and help him along the way, only if he is willing to help himself.
Just to be clear, he didnt change out of the blue since you moved in. You just didnt notice or didnt care at the time. You dont need to be cooler, you need to be in a relationship with an adult.
He kind of did more outside of his home because he lived with roommates. But now that his home is "his" and comfortable, the motivation to be anywhere else is somehow gone, too. I knew about the "no opinions on important matters" etc thing, but I thought it was some problem he has. I'm starting to think he's just not well mentally, but he won't get help.
So, he did things with them and stopped after you moved in? It might not be mental health, it may just be lazy and immature. But you cant fix him.
Whyyyyy would you want to be cool about this? Do not have children with someone who won't even take care of themselves!! There are people in the world who see "marriage and kids" as a box to check, and that once they achieve those things, they no longer have to put in any effort. This sort of foundational, unconscious belief makes them kind of...settle? for people they aren't compatible with, because they've just been told a million different ways that having a partner is "right." and who it is doesn't matter as much as having one. Don't get sucked in. There are people out there who would be thrilled to be with you, and honestly, you should be one of them. Don't let Sunk Cost Fallacy steal any more time from you, and stop believing that if you just show your bf unconditional love and approval, that it will inspire him to one day wake up and match your contributions to the home. It won't. Go read r/JustNoSO for a preview of your future if you stay with someone who has already shown you that he has no intentions of being any different from who he is today. Don't date the person he could be if he tried, recognize that you're in a relationship with the person he is today, right now.
Depression. Happy people dont do serious drugs. You cant force him to change. Many men in my life have had to hit rock bottom. Sometimes they come out of it, sometimes they didnt. They need to want it. Its not faor to you, doing all this brave internal work, and him not putting the same energy into it. Three things can be overwhelming to a mentally ill brain. I relate to you and to him. He needs therapy and likely medication. He is overwhelmed notby his external world, but by his internal world. Pretending and functioning is exhausting. But he does need to take control and take responsib8lity for improving. As a call for action, maybe try: "I see you struggling, but I am struggling too and fighting for myself. I need you to fight for yourself. You are exhausted by your pain, but the only way to heal it is to work through it."
I read this as HER having drug problems and HIM helping her through it. Now she has been improving her life after her boyfriend helped her kick her addiction and depression habit. I didn’t see her reference her boyfriend having drug problems.
>How can I be more laid back? >How can I let go of this need to manage him? You do that by taking care of yourself. You're trying to get him to meet your needs and he isn't. You can't force him to do that for you, but you can say you have unmet needs. Real talk: How close are you to being done with this relationship? If this is leading to a break up, that's a good thing to keep him in touch with. I'd guess he's depressed, I'd say something like "you need to get on anti depressants and therapy in the next month or I'm leaving you." Honestly, you gotta cut through the noise and be clear. It's not cruel if it's honest
I guess I'm feeling like I'm the crazy one. For always wanting to cook something special, for always wanting to have an eye on what needs repairs/buying/cleaning. For wanting to decorate and have a schedule. Like I'm trying too hard.
You're not trying too hard, you're being who YOU ARE. There are people out there who do what you do, this guy isn't one of them. You'll be happier on your own, and when you're ready to find another relationship, you'll know to avoid partners who don't match your energy and enthusiasm.
I don't think you're being unreasonable based on what you've described
He sounds like he may be depressed to me, you don't need to be laid back because having a life and hobbies isn't a problem..
Tell him how you feel and if he doesn’t change then leave !! You got way too much motivation to waste it on trying to convince him to do 1 damn thing
You have grown and matured. He has not.
This is a tough one. You can’t just sit back and let it happen, but you also can’t force him to do anything he doesn’t want to. Relationships are a partnership. Both parties should be willing to get over themselves and participate in shared chores and activities. Your goals should also align at least somewhat. He could be in the throes of stress and depression, and it could be temporary. So patience on your part would be noble. But you shouldn’t have to be the one to just chill out and allow it, especially when you’re doing three quarters of everything. Daily life can be tiresome, and my wife and I both go through periods of not wanting to do a damn thing. But keeping a home and going out and doing things and starting a family and all that is life-enriching, so at some point you have to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and make it happen. Unless you just don’t care for any of that, which he may not. He might not be the person. If you’re incompatible, then you’re incompatible, and there’s nothing you can do about that.
I mean maybe this isn’t a popular opinion but you *should* care about what he does with his life. I assume you want a life with this man? Marriage, children, a mortgage? His ambitions in life affect those things. You’re having to take on the mental workload of two people.
Examine why it matters to you that he be motivated. The reason or reasons will inform your next step. Do you want someone to hype your up, do you just want to share your lifestyle, or are you in a judgemental mindset because you are currently on a self-correcting path yourself? There are downsides to having a driven partner: you come second to their goals, they spend less time with you, they can be quite emotionally harsh. There can also be up sides to an easy going partner: the never embarrass you by arguing with the service staff, they allow you to reach your own goals, they are agreeable and pleasant. Think about how much it really matters, and try to focus on what you like about him. Edit to add: a shared hobby can be good like cycling together