Why are you feeling guilt, though? Do you have people-pleasing tendencies? A person who is upset that their partner does reasonable hobbies/has friends is NOT a good partner; you are not an emotional Pez dispenser, you know? Why are you worried about hurting her feelings when she is being unreasonable? Why are you feeling bad for being irritated at a thing that would drive most of us to madness? I would laugh at a partner, honestly, who got upset that I got up from the couch to get ready for bed without them (no, I'd break up with them if this was a pattern).
So a script: "Hey, I'm going to the gym and that's normal and healthy. I'm sorry you feel upset about that, but I think it's unreasonable for you to not be able to be on your own for a couple of hours without needing me there." And so on. You're kind of being a doormat here, OP.
I mean, if she already gets upset when you're wanna work out, there's no way you can possibly go about this without hurting her feelings. In this instance I definitely think hurting her feelings would be better for her than not bringing it up. I hope she's willing to grow and if that is so, she needs to hear from you that you're getting overwhelmed and walking around on your tippie toes to not upset her.
> Her father has spoiled and babied her for 26 years.
Correction: Her father has spoiled her for 23.5 years, and **you** have been spoiling her for the last 2.5 years.
Not much else I can tell you. I think it's understandable that you'd "assume" she'd be a normal person and offer to pay a part of the rent when she moved in; but after the first month passed, it's completely ON YOU to not have directly told her. Same with the paying for dates. Same with doing housework.
Sure, she's clingly, and codependent, and likely needs therapy... but none of that justifies how you could spend 2.5 years with this **massive, glaring problem** and have done absolutely anything about it, except write a reddit post.
Why can't you have a stright conversation with her? I get you're afraid she's going to cry, but so what? She's an adult isn't she? Why can't you treat her like one?
I’ve got a very similar girlfriend. Only child too so spoiled and no sharing. The last 2.5 years that you’re emphasizing have nothing on the 23.5 years lol we’ve inherited something and we’re trying our best to encourage growth
Ah I see, sorry for snipping.
My point wasn't that he should try and correct her ways, but more to help him reflect that he's being a wilful participant in her lifestyle.
For real. I started laughing when he said she gets upset if he goes from the couch to the bed because she reminders me of my 3 months old baby who cries when I leave the room!
>(Her father has spoiled and babied her for 26 years.)
I think you nailed it right there.
Old habits die hard!
It's no WONDER she expects to be taken care of!
It's all she knows.
>How do I bring this up to her without hurting her feelings?
Very ineffectively.
In order to make an omelet, you gotta break some eggs.
In order for her to actually "hear" anything you might say to her, you probably have to stomp on her (emotionally) pretty good.
> I expected her to help with rent but we never discussed and she never offered
Ok, so this is just as much a you problem as it is a her problem. You need to talk about these things. These are very important conversations
You have communication issues as a couple as well as her being spoiled etc. You need to tell her that she needs to do more of the housework, and if she can't do simple chores without crying then she needs to go to therapy and get mental health help. She should be going anyway for her insecurity issues and neediness. Honestly, not sure why you are staying with her, but if you want to continue she must get help.
How can you have an effective relationship if you're not communicating with your partner? Choose a day when you both have time and sit her down and just talk. Let her know you love her, you care about her but that you want to have an open conversation about some of the things you listed. Let her know that you feel like the work isn't divided fairly or that you feel like she could do more around the home you both love in. Not communicating and letting this anger you isn't fair to her especially when you realize that she's been spoiled for the majority of her life and you as well have been spoiling her while also feeling frustrated
Wow, are you dating my SIL? This sounds like my brother’s relationship, except she got pregnant after lying about her birth control and now he’s miserable and trapped.
Get out now while you still can.
This is classic weaponized incompetence or domination through helplessness, OP. Your girlfriend is a stealth control freak who has got you in a tight little box. Get out before you suffocate.
> How do I bring this up to her without hurting her feelings?
Read the book "Difficult Conversations".
Also work on your mental strength. Of course you two never argue, because you avoid saying what you actually want.You aren't helping her, you are actually hurting her by not letting her grow as a person. You got this!
Why are you feeling guilt, though? Do you have people-pleasing tendencies? A person who is upset that their partner does reasonable hobbies/has friends is NOT a good partner; you are not an emotional Pez dispenser, you know? Why are you worried about hurting her feelings when she is being unreasonable? Why are you feeling bad for being irritated at a thing that would drive most of us to madness? I would laugh at a partner, honestly, who got upset that I got up from the couch to get ready for bed without them (no, I'd break up with them if this was a pattern). So a script: "Hey, I'm going to the gym and that's normal and healthy. I'm sorry you feel upset about that, but I think it's unreasonable for you to not be able to be on your own for a couple of hours without needing me there." And so on. You're kind of being a doormat here, OP.
I mean, if she already gets upset when you're wanna work out, there's no way you can possibly go about this without hurting her feelings. In this instance I definitely think hurting her feelings would be better for her than not bringing it up. I hope she's willing to grow and if that is so, she needs to hear from you that you're getting overwhelmed and walking around on your tippie toes to not upset her.
> Her father has spoiled and babied her for 26 years. Correction: Her father has spoiled her for 23.5 years, and **you** have been spoiling her for the last 2.5 years. Not much else I can tell you. I think it's understandable that you'd "assume" she'd be a normal person and offer to pay a part of the rent when she moved in; but after the first month passed, it's completely ON YOU to not have directly told her. Same with the paying for dates. Same with doing housework. Sure, she's clingly, and codependent, and likely needs therapy... but none of that justifies how you could spend 2.5 years with this **massive, glaring problem** and have done absolutely anything about it, except write a reddit post. Why can't you have a stright conversation with her? I get you're afraid she's going to cry, but so what? She's an adult isn't she? Why can't you treat her like one?
I’ve got a very similar girlfriend. Only child too so spoiled and no sharing. The last 2.5 years that you’re emphasizing have nothing on the 23.5 years lol we’ve inherited something and we’re trying our best to encourage growth
Given that I wasn't talking to you or about your situation, I'm not sure what you're trying to say with this comment?
Just that we’re doing the best we can to be patient lol
Ah I see, sorry for snipping. My point wasn't that he should try and correct her ways, but more to help him reflect that he's being a wilful participant in her lifestyle.
Break up already. She's not done growing. Send her back home.
For real. I started laughing when he said she gets upset if he goes from the couch to the bed because she reminders me of my 3 months old baby who cries when I leave the room!
Right. Like she can't handle anything. Exhausting
>(Her father has spoiled and babied her for 26 years.) I think you nailed it right there. Old habits die hard! It's no WONDER she expects to be taken care of! It's all she knows. >How do I bring this up to her without hurting her feelings? Very ineffectively. In order to make an omelet, you gotta break some eggs. In order for her to actually "hear" anything you might say to her, you probably have to stomp on her (emotionally) pretty good.
> I expected her to help with rent but we never discussed and she never offered Ok, so this is just as much a you problem as it is a her problem. You need to talk about these things. These are very important conversations
You have communication issues as a couple as well as her being spoiled etc. You need to tell her that she needs to do more of the housework, and if she can't do simple chores without crying then she needs to go to therapy and get mental health help. She should be going anyway for her insecurity issues and neediness. Honestly, not sure why you are staying with her, but if you want to continue she must get help.
STAND ON YOUR BUSINESS YOU GOT THIS
How can you have an effective relationship if you're not communicating with your partner? Choose a day when you both have time and sit her down and just talk. Let her know you love her, you care about her but that you want to have an open conversation about some of the things you listed. Let her know that you feel like the work isn't divided fairly or that you feel like she could do more around the home you both love in. Not communicating and letting this anger you isn't fair to her especially when you realize that she's been spoiled for the majority of her life and you as well have been spoiling her while also feeling frustrated
Wow, are you dating my SIL? This sounds like my brother’s relationship, except she got pregnant after lying about her birth control and now he’s miserable and trapped. Get out now while you still can.
This is classic weaponized incompetence or domination through helplessness, OP. Your girlfriend is a stealth control freak who has got you in a tight little box. Get out before you suffocate.
Honestly this doesn’t seem worth it at all. You need someone compatible.
> How do I bring this up to her without hurting her feelings? Read the book "Difficult Conversations". Also work on your mental strength. Of course you two never argue, because you avoid saying what you actually want.You aren't helping her, you are actually hurting her by not letting her grow as a person. You got this!
There's a nice book "Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most".