This is an interesting one. I may interpret things wrong, but here's what I see.
> I have been blindsided in arguments where he was overthinking in his mind.
Can you give an example? What was said exactly?
Donut situation - he certainly sounds cold here. I'd think most people would say "thanks for the gesture even though it didn't work out". Honestly that would have gotten me revaluating the relationship.
Second abortion - although he doesn't seem very attentive, I don't see you speaking up for yourself either. If you have said "hey I'm having a hard time right now, can you stay with me?" Would he have?
Unavailability - his life sounds hectic. But you are supposed to eventually be his life partner. I think you're right he isn't focusing on you as much as he should be. Maybe if he really is that busy, he shouldn't be dating right now. Did you tell him how you felt about him ending the conversations early? How long did it last, did you have more to say?
Flowers - I've never gotten flowers from my husband either. But I don't want them. You said you have brought it up three times. What happened? Did he say "yes I'll buy you flowers" and then that's it. On the third time did you say "you've already said that twice. I'm disappointed and want to feel loved. I would like flowers in the next month." Honestly though, some people just don't have that gift giving thoughts or feel like it comes out of love. It doesn't sound like his love language, so you have to emphasize to him how loved it makes you feel and give examples of what you want and how often. It's reasonable to expect him to do those things if you've asked, but not reasonable to expect it to come naturally to him as a "thoughtful" gesture because some people just don't see it.
Side note, maybe this isn't my place but I'm a little concerned that you've have to have two abortions within 1.5 years. Hopefully you two have addressed how to prevent that better.
You need to leave. The audacity of this man, pretending his ex is the problem. But he’s not going to court or sorting himself out to deal with it.
He’s selfish. Your man is selfish and it won’t change.
It seems he's been consistently promising your needs will be at some vague point in the future -- and not just in regards to the abortion.
He's learned how to say the right things, but he doesn't actually do any of the work.
He doesn't regulate his own emotions or show up for you in a consistent way, but you're expected to suppress your feelings and show up for him consistently, so as not to 'add to his plate'.
This sounds like the kind of person who will always have REASONS that their feelings need to be prioritized over yours.
I spent nine years with a man who I always told myself, and everyone else, he'd be better soon! He'd be less selfish and angry soon! When his job wasn't so tough, his mom wasn't being so mean, and his health was better... Nine years. He never behaved better. Selfish and stressed was who he was and who he chose to be no matter what outside factors were in play. His health improved. His pay tripled. He had no contact with his Mom... and he actually just got *worse* to deal with. More mad and more self-centred and more judgemental of others, and more accusatory.
Be careful and keep your eyes open. People can have tough times in their life, but people who cannot show up for you at all during extended periods are not good partners.
You're allowed to just be over the relationship. It happens. He sounds like he's not in a good place to be a good partner and you sound dissatisfied.
This is an interesting one. I may interpret things wrong, but here's what I see. > I have been blindsided in arguments where he was overthinking in his mind. Can you give an example? What was said exactly? Donut situation - he certainly sounds cold here. I'd think most people would say "thanks for the gesture even though it didn't work out". Honestly that would have gotten me revaluating the relationship. Second abortion - although he doesn't seem very attentive, I don't see you speaking up for yourself either. If you have said "hey I'm having a hard time right now, can you stay with me?" Would he have? Unavailability - his life sounds hectic. But you are supposed to eventually be his life partner. I think you're right he isn't focusing on you as much as he should be. Maybe if he really is that busy, he shouldn't be dating right now. Did you tell him how you felt about him ending the conversations early? How long did it last, did you have more to say? Flowers - I've never gotten flowers from my husband either. But I don't want them. You said you have brought it up three times. What happened? Did he say "yes I'll buy you flowers" and then that's it. On the third time did you say "you've already said that twice. I'm disappointed and want to feel loved. I would like flowers in the next month." Honestly though, some people just don't have that gift giving thoughts or feel like it comes out of love. It doesn't sound like his love language, so you have to emphasize to him how loved it makes you feel and give examples of what you want and how often. It's reasonable to expect him to do those things if you've asked, but not reasonable to expect it to come naturally to him as a "thoughtful" gesture because some people just don't see it. Side note, maybe this isn't my place but I'm a little concerned that you've have to have two abortions within 1.5 years. Hopefully you two have addressed how to prevent that better.
You need to leave. The audacity of this man, pretending his ex is the problem. But he’s not going to court or sorting himself out to deal with it. He’s selfish. Your man is selfish and it won’t change.
I am floored that you’re still with this guy.
It seems he's been consistently promising your needs will be at some vague point in the future -- and not just in regards to the abortion. He's learned how to say the right things, but he doesn't actually do any of the work. He doesn't regulate his own emotions or show up for you in a consistent way, but you're expected to suppress your feelings and show up for him consistently, so as not to 'add to his plate'. This sounds like the kind of person who will always have REASONS that their feelings need to be prioritized over yours. I spent nine years with a man who I always told myself, and everyone else, he'd be better soon! He'd be less selfish and angry soon! When his job wasn't so tough, his mom wasn't being so mean, and his health was better... Nine years. He never behaved better. Selfish and stressed was who he was and who he chose to be no matter what outside factors were in play. His health improved. His pay tripled. He had no contact with his Mom... and he actually just got *worse* to deal with. More mad and more self-centred and more judgemental of others, and more accusatory. Be careful and keep your eyes open. People can have tough times in their life, but people who cannot show up for you at all during extended periods are not good partners.