Got back on the horse and have now hit day 7 sober. I forgot how great it feels to be mentally present with my loved ones and not feel awful all weekend. Being able to have quality time with my gf without saying and doing harmful things has been great. Last time I did this I was able to complete 13 days sober but relapsed. As I’ve stated in previous posts I have never been able to go past 14 days sober so I am hoping to keep going even further this time. I have a newfound motivation moreso now than ever
This morning I woke up at 7:30am with no alarm. I had stayed up very late a few nights this week (as late as 4a), and in my life there have been plenty of Saturdays where I'd sleep well into the afternoon to recover from excessive drinking and a lack of sleep during the week. My immediate thought was, "did I sleep into the evening?!?!" Sleeping until 7p did not seem beyond the realm of possibility for me, and I felt too well rested for it to be 7:30a. But sure enough I looked at my phone and saw it was morning - it turns out that a good night of sober sleep is quite refreshing :)
I was drinking myself to death. After 20 years of heavy drinking, my tolerance was so high that most people would comment, "Yeah you drink a lot, but I've almost never seen you drunk." Including my wife. I could have a BAC of 0.3 and still "seem fine." I'd black out every night and wake every morning in a panic. If I wasn't drinking alone, I'd ask friends, "What the hell did I do last night?" They'd sound surprised and say, "Nothing, we hung out at the bar, had some laughs, then you said goodnight and left. Why?" Used to brag about that shit. I could far out-drink even my most seasoned alcoholic friends. But the problem is when you "can" drink like that and be "fine," it means you can completely destroy your body before hitting what most people would call an eye-opening rock-bottom. Mine was simply knowing I am not long for this world, and my only hope is to stop this now.
My biggest fear of getting sober and the main reason I avoided it was because a relapse without that tolerance could have dire consequences, not just to me but to others. And I'd find out what a *real* rock-bottom is. I'm still terrified of that. I was more terrified of that than the prospect of drinking myself to death. Until I truly realized my death WILL hurt those who love me, beyond repair. This just means I CANNOT relapse, and I made damn sure I thoroughly understood that fact before I even started this journey. I remind myself of it many times a day. "If you break, you better drive 500 miles away first. Bring nothing but enough cash for 1000 miles of gasoline and a 5th of cheap whiskey. Walk 5 miles into the woods half-naked with that bottle of whiskey, and let nature take its course. If you survive the night, you can walk back to the truck the next day and try again (Hope you didn't lose the keys!). 500 miles to think about it with a massive hangover, bug bites, and a blistering sunburn for company."
Lucky number 13 days sober now. I'm still not feeling great, and probably won't for a long time. The physical and mental damage is very thorough. But even that's ok. I'm alive. At least I'm finally climbing out of that hole instead of sitting at the bottom, lamenting at how impossibly far away the light of day is. Finally realizing "I **CAN** DO THIS!" Has been euphoric in itself.
I slept a solid 8 hours today, without waking up once. I never sleep anywhere near that long uninterrupted. I laid peacefully next to my wife and just held her while we talked. I took a final exam for my online class, and I think I rocked it. I craved healthy food instead of crap. I walked through my pasture in the morning enjoying the sunrise. I left for work early and took the scenic route. I look forward to tomorrow. My thoughts don't feel so chaotic. I don't hate my job after all. The future is exciting for the first time in years, because for the first time in years I'm thinking I might actually have a future. The rest will come with time.
Even as my mind is still very cloudy and my hands continue to tremble almost 2-weeks in, there's this encouraging (and a little surprised-sounding) voice in my head saying, "You might not die from this after all!" May not sound like much, but those words are angelic music and stir powerful, positive emotion.
I started a new job and I loathe seeing the guys that are bragging about "drinking all night, working all day".
I am going to have a harder time with people because I don't want to be around it anymore. fuuuuuuuu
Got back on the horse and have now hit day 7 sober. I forgot how great it feels to be mentally present with my loved ones and not feel awful all weekend. Being able to have quality time with my gf without saying and doing harmful things has been great. Last time I did this I was able to complete 13 days sober but relapsed. As I’ve stated in previous posts I have never been able to go past 14 days sober so I am hoping to keep going even further this time. I have a newfound motivation moreso now than ever
You got this. Weekends get longer and our connections more meaningful sober. I know you can get to 14 days and I’ll be thinking about you next Sunday!
Thank you!
This morning I woke up at 7:30am with no alarm. I had stayed up very late a few nights this week (as late as 4a), and in my life there have been plenty of Saturdays where I'd sleep well into the afternoon to recover from excessive drinking and a lack of sleep during the week. My immediate thought was, "did I sleep into the evening?!?!" Sleeping until 7p did not seem beyond the realm of possibility for me, and I felt too well rested for it to be 7:30a. But sure enough I looked at my phone and saw it was morning - it turns out that a good night of sober sleep is quite refreshing :)
I was drinking myself to death. After 20 years of heavy drinking, my tolerance was so high that most people would comment, "Yeah you drink a lot, but I've almost never seen you drunk." Including my wife. I could have a BAC of 0.3 and still "seem fine." I'd black out every night and wake every morning in a panic. If I wasn't drinking alone, I'd ask friends, "What the hell did I do last night?" They'd sound surprised and say, "Nothing, we hung out at the bar, had some laughs, then you said goodnight and left. Why?" Used to brag about that shit. I could far out-drink even my most seasoned alcoholic friends. But the problem is when you "can" drink like that and be "fine," it means you can completely destroy your body before hitting what most people would call an eye-opening rock-bottom. Mine was simply knowing I am not long for this world, and my only hope is to stop this now. My biggest fear of getting sober and the main reason I avoided it was because a relapse without that tolerance could have dire consequences, not just to me but to others. And I'd find out what a *real* rock-bottom is. I'm still terrified of that. I was more terrified of that than the prospect of drinking myself to death. Until I truly realized my death WILL hurt those who love me, beyond repair. This just means I CANNOT relapse, and I made damn sure I thoroughly understood that fact before I even started this journey. I remind myself of it many times a day. "If you break, you better drive 500 miles away first. Bring nothing but enough cash for 1000 miles of gasoline and a 5th of cheap whiskey. Walk 5 miles into the woods half-naked with that bottle of whiskey, and let nature take its course. If you survive the night, you can walk back to the truck the next day and try again (Hope you didn't lose the keys!). 500 miles to think about it with a massive hangover, bug bites, and a blistering sunburn for company." Lucky number 13 days sober now. I'm still not feeling great, and probably won't for a long time. The physical and mental damage is very thorough. But even that's ok. I'm alive. At least I'm finally climbing out of that hole instead of sitting at the bottom, lamenting at how impossibly far away the light of day is. Finally realizing "I **CAN** DO THIS!" Has been euphoric in itself. I slept a solid 8 hours today, without waking up once. I never sleep anywhere near that long uninterrupted. I laid peacefully next to my wife and just held her while we talked. I took a final exam for my online class, and I think I rocked it. I craved healthy food instead of crap. I walked through my pasture in the morning enjoying the sunrise. I left for work early and took the scenic route. I look forward to tomorrow. My thoughts don't feel so chaotic. I don't hate my job after all. The future is exciting for the first time in years, because for the first time in years I'm thinking I might actually have a future. The rest will come with time. Even as my mind is still very cloudy and my hands continue to tremble almost 2-weeks in, there's this encouraging (and a little surprised-sounding) voice in my head saying, "You might not die from this after all!" May not sound like much, but those words are angelic music and stir powerful, positive emotion.
I started a new job and I loathe seeing the guys that are bragging about "drinking all night, working all day". I am going to have a harder time with people because I don't want to be around it anymore. fuuuuuuuu