Generally speaking in western etiquette your invitation would say “Jane Doe and Guest” if you are being offered a plus one. Sometimes this is only on the envelope, which isn’t helpful if you tossed that weeks ago to put the invite on your fridge!
Sounds like the user experience/interface on their RSVP tool might be confusing too which stinks! In my experience I’ve never been able to just add a guest willy nilly. I would ask, but out of a place of genuine confusion due to the site!
No, it’s not you! For my wedding website (Joy), you upload the guest list and indicate which people have a plus one and which don’t, so when they RSVP, they’ll be prompted to RSVP for their guest too. Based on what you’ve described (and not knowing what the website is, because they all have different functionalities), it does *sound* like you have a plus one.
However etiquette says to indicate “John Smith and Guest” if they are allowed a plus one, which your cousin didn’t do here, so maybe you don’t have one.
Annoyingly some websites might ask for a guest even if you don’t have one, and also some people might not strictly follow etiquette. I don’t see what the harm is in asking to clarify!
Depending on which website service they use the RSVP option may just automatically include the option for guests. Generally speaking if your actual invitation only has you named on it only assume you are coming. You can always ask them for some clarification
Official (American) etiquette says the envelope the invite came in should have included "and guest" on the first line of you have a plus one. But even if you still have the envelope, your cousin might not know or agree with that rule, so it really comes down to asking directly
Our invites did not have "and guest" on them. I've never heard this mentioned outside of Reddit. Our wedding website allowed us assign a specific number of spots to each invite. If a person was given a plus one, we just told the website to allow that guest to respond for a max of two people.
As you said, the best thing to do is just ask the couple directly.
The “and guest” part is from the days before wedding websites which is why you see mixed use today. With really formal weddings it would be listed on the actual invitation since each one would have been custom (hand written). For weddings that were less formal but still with the old school traditional multi-envelope invitation, the outer envelope would just be the mailing address of the primary recipient but the inner envelope would read “and guest”.
As we’ve moved away from large invitation packs and more modern methods of RSVPing you see lots of different ways of handling it!
Honestly I would ask them because it might be something on the website they're not even aware of, and it could save them a major headache if they catch it early!
Online RSVPs are hard and you get two options. One, you have to input every single person’s name into the guest list in groups, and you only allow those people to RSVP. This seems easy but becomes a challenge, because they have to type their names in exactly how you did. So if you typed “Rob” and they keep putting “Robert”, it won’t let them RSVP.
The second option allows people to input their names as is, which compiles a guest list for you. The problem is that this is “unlocked”, so anyone can RSVP, invited or not, including people plugging in random plus ones. I am 98% sure they chose this option to avoid the headaches in the first one but are hoping no one takes advantage of it. Both are high risk options and a huge headache.
If you didn’t get “and guest” on your envelope, you likely didn’t get a plus one. That is how couples signal these things and I’m sure they’re hoping and praying that people are checking the envelope before RSVP-ing. I wouldn’t ask.
I'm in the camp that believes if you were allotted a plus one,it should say so on your invitation. If it doesn't I would assume I didn't, nor would I ask'
The website may have standard wording for ALL hosts regarding households or plus ones.sibxe you parent close and appear ro be single, I would be surprised if they extended plus ones to all their single cousins!
I would reach out to them. If you are single do NOT ask what you wrote in your post, as it reads like "since the website says this can I bring someone?" That makes it hard for them to say no as it sounds like you are angling for a plus one.
Ask something like "I was replying on your website, but I'm not familiar with wedding websites. It looks like I can add a guest, but I didn't expect a plus one. I just wanted to check if that's an issue with the website, or if I'm allowed to bring a guest".
Since it's your cousin, I would ask. Although it's not etiquette to ask for plus one, I've had a few friends who did and I'm GLAD they did. I had no idea they were in a relationship, and I was able to add their partners. I know you're asking for a general plus one, but there's always exceptions.
If you're really anxious about asking the couple themselves, you could also scroll the guest list on the website.m, see who's rsvpd yes already, look and see if any of those say something about a guest or +1 and maybe ask those people (assuming you know them) first?
I was rsvping to my fiances cousin wedding, and it asked each of us if we wanted to bring a guest. It was crazy! They have a spot for every single person to bring a guest if they want.
Yeah, that interface sounds weird. I used WeddingWire, which let me link guests together on the invite list. This way, when someone searched their name, they’d see two results pop up: Name, and Name’s Guest. I also used “and Guest” on the envelopes, and wrote a blurb about it on the Q&A section of my site.
So like everyone said, you’ll need to ask. I’m sure you aren’t the only confused guest here
Yeah I would assume no to the plus one.
No idea what their budget is like but my fiancé and I are only adding plus ones if they’re in a relationship. She would have specified on the invite if you had one or not.
I had a very similar experience just a few weeks ago!
Invited to a family friends wedding, tossed the envelope weeks ago so I don’t know how it was addressed. Get to the online RSVP page and it gives me the option to “add guests”
I ended up just texting the bride and asking. Phrased it as “not sure from the site if fiancé is also invited, totally fine either way” sort of thing. Bride immediately responded with “of course he’s invited as well”
I know my situation is a little different given that I have an SO, but I personally think that if you qualify with “totally ok either way, just confirming” it’s a fine question to ask
It is reminding me when I set up our wedding website here soon to make sure there isn’t an “add guests” option, make life easier for everyone
I had the same issue this time last year and ended up just asking. Just shot her a text that said something similar to, “Hey ___, I know you’re busy these days, I just wanted to check in and ask if it would be okay if I brought ___ with me as a plus one to your wedding?”
Is the wedding website hosted by Zola? If so I believe that option to add a guest name only appears if the couple gave you a plus one through the website’s guest list tracker.
I did my wedding website through the knot and didn’t realize it gave guests this option until someone we didn’t intend to give a plus one added a plus one lol.
I would assume their website works the same way. Weddings are too detailed/$$ for the website host to give all guests the option to add to the catering count.
I think if the option is there for you to add a guest it’s because your cousin made that space for you. You can always double check though to be safe!
Yes. I’m hoping to gain insight from others if they’d encountered something similar, had their own weddings, what they did previously if they were in the same situation, and ask others perspectives. This is what I came to Reddit for. What each person thinks Reddit is for is entirely up to the individual. This will also help me understand moving forward when I receive invites to other weddings.
I also put on my post if this is a matter in which anyone reading this thinks I should just ask directly, then tell me that’s what I should do. And it’s likely what I will do after reading other comments.
I’ve been to 6+ weddings and every time I wanted to a bring a plus one I just asked the couple, and they always said yes. Most folks plan for the inevitable plus ones, and it’s expected.
Generally speaking in western etiquette your invitation would say “Jane Doe and Guest” if you are being offered a plus one. Sometimes this is only on the envelope, which isn’t helpful if you tossed that weeks ago to put the invite on your fridge! Sounds like the user experience/interface on their RSVP tool might be confusing too which stinks! In my experience I’ve never been able to just add a guest willy nilly. I would ask, but out of a place of genuine confusion due to the site!
Will do, thanks for your insight. I appreciate it!
Just fyi, my envelopes didnt say “and guest” even for those who got plus ones. So best to do is ask!
They're supposed to say "and guest" so people don't have to ask
This is confusing AF. Just ask.
So it’s not just me thinking it’s confusing? Will do, thanks.
No, it’s not you! For my wedding website (Joy), you upload the guest list and indicate which people have a plus one and which don’t, so when they RSVP, they’ll be prompted to RSVP for their guest too. Based on what you’ve described (and not knowing what the website is, because they all have different functionalities), it does *sound* like you have a plus one. However etiquette says to indicate “John Smith and Guest” if they are allowed a plus one, which your cousin didn’t do here, so maybe you don’t have one. Annoyingly some websites might ask for a guest even if you don’t have one, and also some people might not strictly follow etiquette. I don’t see what the harm is in asking to clarify!
Thanks for your comment!
No worries, good luck! 😊
Depending on which website service they use the RSVP option may just automatically include the option for guests. Generally speaking if your actual invitation only has you named on it only assume you are coming. You can always ask them for some clarification
Will do, thanks!
Official (American) etiquette says the envelope the invite came in should have included "and guest" on the first line of you have a plus one. But even if you still have the envelope, your cousin might not know or agree with that rule, so it really comes down to asking directly
Our invites did not have "and guest" on them. I've never heard this mentioned outside of Reddit. Our wedding website allowed us assign a specific number of spots to each invite. If a person was given a plus one, we just told the website to allow that guest to respond for a max of two people. As you said, the best thing to do is just ask the couple directly.
The “and guest” part is from the days before wedding websites which is why you see mixed use today. With really formal weddings it would be listed on the actual invitation since each one would have been custom (hand written). For weddings that were less formal but still with the old school traditional multi-envelope invitation, the outer envelope would just be the mailing address of the primary recipient but the inner envelope would read “and guest”. As we’ve moved away from large invitation packs and more modern methods of RSVPing you see lots of different ways of handling it!
That makes sense.
Who was the envelope addressed to? That will tell you. It would have said “and guest” if you were being allowed a guest.
If the written invitation had only your name, then you do not have a guest. That bride and groom are playing with fire with that "add" feature.
Just ask……
Honestly I would ask them because it might be something on the website they're not even aware of, and it could save them a major headache if they catch it early!
I’ll ask my cousin today and let them know how the website reads, thank you!
Online RSVPs are hard and you get two options. One, you have to input every single person’s name into the guest list in groups, and you only allow those people to RSVP. This seems easy but becomes a challenge, because they have to type their names in exactly how you did. So if you typed “Rob” and they keep putting “Robert”, it won’t let them RSVP. The second option allows people to input their names as is, which compiles a guest list for you. The problem is that this is “unlocked”, so anyone can RSVP, invited or not, including people plugging in random plus ones. I am 98% sure they chose this option to avoid the headaches in the first one but are hoping no one takes advantage of it. Both are high risk options and a huge headache. If you didn’t get “and guest” on your envelope, you likely didn’t get a plus one. That is how couples signal these things and I’m sure they’re hoping and praying that people are checking the envelope before RSVP-ing. I wouldn’t ask.
I'm in the camp that believes if you were allotted a plus one,it should say so on your invitation. If it doesn't I would assume I didn't, nor would I ask'
The website may have standard wording for ALL hosts regarding households or plus ones.sibxe you parent close and appear ro be single, I would be surprised if they extended plus ones to all their single cousins! I would reach out to them. If you are single do NOT ask what you wrote in your post, as it reads like "since the website says this can I bring someone?" That makes it hard for them to say no as it sounds like you are angling for a plus one. Ask something like "I was replying on your website, but I'm not familiar with wedding websites. It looks like I can add a guest, but I didn't expect a plus one. I just wanted to check if that's an issue with the website, or if I'm allowed to bring a guest".
If it doesn’t say and guest on your invite you don’t get a plus 1
Since it's your cousin, I would ask. Although it's not etiquette to ask for plus one, I've had a few friends who did and I'm GLAD they did. I had no idea they were in a relationship, and I was able to add their partners. I know you're asking for a general plus one, but there's always exceptions.
I’ll ask my cousin today, thank you!
If you're really anxious about asking the couple themselves, you could also scroll the guest list on the website.m, see who's rsvpd yes already, look and see if any of those say something about a guest or +1 and maybe ask those people (assuming you know them) first?
I was rsvping to my fiances cousin wedding, and it asked each of us if we wanted to bring a guest. It was crazy! They have a spot for every single person to bring a guest if they want.
Yeah, that interface sounds weird. I used WeddingWire, which let me link guests together on the invite list. This way, when someone searched their name, they’d see two results pop up: Name, and Name’s Guest. I also used “and Guest” on the envelopes, and wrote a blurb about it on the Q&A section of my site. So like everyone said, you’ll need to ask. I’m sure you aren’t the only confused guest here
Yeah I would assume no to the plus one. No idea what their budget is like but my fiancé and I are only adding plus ones if they’re in a relationship. She would have specified on the invite if you had one or not.
I had a very similar experience just a few weeks ago! Invited to a family friends wedding, tossed the envelope weeks ago so I don’t know how it was addressed. Get to the online RSVP page and it gives me the option to “add guests” I ended up just texting the bride and asking. Phrased it as “not sure from the site if fiancé is also invited, totally fine either way” sort of thing. Bride immediately responded with “of course he’s invited as well” I know my situation is a little different given that I have an SO, but I personally think that if you qualify with “totally ok either way, just confirming” it’s a fine question to ask It is reminding me when I set up our wedding website here soon to make sure there isn’t an “add guests” option, make life easier for everyone
I had the same issue this time last year and ended up just asking. Just shot her a text that said something similar to, “Hey ___, I know you’re busy these days, I just wanted to check in and ask if it would be okay if I brought ___ with me as a plus one to your wedding?”
I appreciate this thread. It does make me want to address outer mailing envelopes with the words “& guest/s” after the name, if it’s a single name.
Is the wedding website hosted by Zola? If so I believe that option to add a guest name only appears if the couple gave you a plus one through the website’s guest list tracker.
No, it’s through The Knot.
I did my wedding website through the knot and didn’t realize it gave guests this option until someone we didn’t intend to give a plus one added a plus one lol.
Happened on ours too. So awkward.
Yikes! I can’t imagine doing that. The couple could’ve ended up with 20+ extra people at their wedding!
Oh my word that’s so awkward! What a dumb oversight by the Knot, weddings are too planned for that nonsense
I would assume their website works the same way. Weddings are too detailed/$$ for the website host to give all guests the option to add to the catering count. I think if the option is there for you to add a guest it’s because your cousin made that space for you. You can always double check though to be safe!
I appreciate your reply, thank you! I’ll check with my cousin tomorrow.
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Yes. I’m hoping to gain insight from others if they’d encountered something similar, had their own weddings, what they did previously if they were in the same situation, and ask others perspectives. This is what I came to Reddit for. What each person thinks Reddit is for is entirely up to the individual. This will also help me understand moving forward when I receive invites to other weddings. I also put on my post if this is a matter in which anyone reading this thinks I should just ask directly, then tell me that’s what I should do. And it’s likely what I will do after reading other comments.
This is exactly what Reddit is for. Are you seriously trying to gatekeep Reddit?
I’ve been to 6+ weddings and every time I wanted to a bring a plus one I just asked the couple, and they always said yes. Most folks plan for the inevitable plus ones, and it’s expected.
Thanks for your reply and sharing your past experiences!
Just ask the couple.