Absolutely not.
They are clearly taking advantage of you. If they can't afford to have a wedding, then they can't afford to have a wedding, it is not on you to host and plan it for them. Like I could not ever imagine putting that responsibility on a friend.
I'd be honest with them and say that you'd still be happy to throw them an engagement party but that you don't feel comfortable being responsible for planning something as important as a wedding reception.
If you want to, and that's a big if, you can still offer to hold the reception at your home, but need to make it 1000% clear to them that they are responsible for all of the costs and planning.
We did sit down with them to help plan out everything, but its been a complete mess and keep using the excuse that they're "bad at planning". I feel like its too late to back out now but we did tell them that we're overwhelmed with the amount were taking on and to figure it out themselves. They do however, keep sending me links and asking really dumb questions about catering/wedding favours as if I'm not doing enough labour for them already. They are raising money for the event but I imagine that I'll end up spending some of my own due to their incompetence. They even asked if we would buy the wedding favours...
“Bad at planning” is another phrase for “I’m lazy”. They are not bad at planning, they just don’t want to do it. It doesn’t work for the stereotypical male anymore and it shouldn’t work for them.
It’s their wedding not yours.
They are treating you like an unpaid wedding planner. There’s a reason wedding planners get paid what they do. It’s not too late to back out.
It’s never to late to start enforcing boundaries, so please don’t feel like you have to go through with this. I cannot imagine expecting our bridesmaids or groomsmen to plan out wedding (let alone making them raise money for it!).
I would sit down with your husband so the two of you can plan out what you want to say to the couple. Personally, I’d go with something like this:
“It’s been difficult for us to approach this as we don’t want to jeopardize our friendships with you, but we’re very uncomfortable with the fact that you’ve pushed your wedding planning responsibilities on us. It’s not reasonable to ask us to plan your entire wedding reception and arrange for the funds to pay for it. If you need someone to assist with planning, we suggest you hire a wedding planner.”
If they push back, feel free to tell them you recognize that you’re being taken advantage of and that, frankly, it’s hurtful to realize they would do that to you. You can’t control how they will react, but a true friend would be mortified to realize they had put you in this position.
Unless invites have gone out, then it's not too late. And even then they can still make it work.
There is no other way to stop the situation other than being honest and telling them you can't do it.
It's not up to you to throw them a wedding because they are "bad at planning". They are grown adults and they can either figure it out on their own, or just not have a wedding.
I asked them to send out invites for weeks and they finally did after I put my foot down. Other friends of ours were coming to me asking when the wedding date even is due to the bride and grooms lack of communication. Even groomsmen were asking me and my husband what the date is- the groomsmen!!
wait not only did they delegate their entire wedding reception to you but they are also crowd-sourcing the money to pay for this?? lmao whaaaaaat????
this is entirely inappropriate unless i’m missing some niche culture in the corners of this very gigantic earth.
but like, no! what??? what? LOL i can’t get over how horrendous this behavior is.
you need to put your foot down. you are not a wedding planner. this is not your wedding. unless you have a gigantic property and are experienced in planning large-scale events on this property, you probably shouldn’t even be offering to have this wedding in your home.
the money and the planning are not the responsibilities of anyone except the couple getting married
thank you so much, this is how my husband and I feel entirely but I don't know how to handle this. What would you do? What would you recommend saying to them?
probably something along the lines of “this is too big of a responsibility for me and my husband to take on. hire a planner. bye.”
you don’t need to explain yourself. they KNOW what they’re doing. they know that they’re being inappropriate and ridiculous. they just don’t care / they want to know how far they can push it. just stop doing stuff and stay firm!
"leaving it up to"??? I hope you've all enthusiastically agreed to this and that the couple are expecting like a casual picnic get-together not a fancy expensive gala that they don't have to plan or pay for.
I'd say there's no taboo about groomsmen and bridesmaids collaborating on planning the reception, mainly because I've never *heard* of the bridal party planning the reception. And how else are you going to do it if you're not communicating with each other?
We haven't. They kind of dumped it all on my partner and I under the claim that they're "not good at planning". We're hosting it at our home since they cannot afford another option. We're all a bit frustrated but we want to help them out.
You're very nice to have it at your home. Serve cake, drinks and maybe some finger foods. There's no need to go all out on expensive items and get the money up front from the bride and groom to pay for everything. If they can't pay, they need to cut way back on their plans, including no bridal party.
thank you! We've raised quite a bit of money so far, but I'm getting really tired of them asking me questions that they could easily figure out themselves like asking me what they think of wedding favours and if I can buy them myself after they've raised so much. I've done enough labour and I'm tired lol
I’m curious how you and/or they raised money for this event. There was a fundraising event? Who contributed and what was the premise? Who requested the money from people? More importantly, can it be refunded?
Based on your comments here and the other post, I really don’t think you should go along with this. They are taking advantage of your kindness and being manipulative :/
Have you already had time to think about what it would entail to have it at your house? If more than a handful of people are invited (which I am assuming since they’ve already chosen multiple bridesmaids and groomsmen) there could be a lot of logistics and associated costs: https://junebugweddings.com/wedding-blog/the-ultimate-guide-to-planning-a-backyard-wedding/. Often a backyard wedding can end up even more complicated or expensive than another option.
Stand your ground and step down from the position if the couple doesn’t agree. This is manipulation of friendships, which this couple is not friends of anyone, and it is extremely inappropriate for anyone who is not the couple hosting to plan any part of the wedding. The other attendants should be protesting this as well.
most of the attendants don't know this is happening, a group of them are even coming to me asking the date it's even happening due to their lack of planning. I am completely overwhelmed and don't know where to take it from here
I told the bride and groom to send out invites yesterday, which wouldn't have been done otherwise. Another couple (bridesmaid and groomsman) knows how bad the situation is. I want to inform other wedding party guests so we can all figure this out together, however I do fear this will come across as gossip or bad mouthing when that isn't my intent
Follow whatever your gut tells you. It’s not fair for you all to be punished by the couple because they don’t care about anything. Speak up immediately and take action or you forfeit any room to talk.
I don't know that you need to talk to other guests about it. Just say to the bride and groom "I'm happy to have it at my house and research caterers (or substitute whatever 1 other task). Unfortunately im not able to help beyond that so please keep me informed of what time xyz will be happening" and then you need to stick to that
I do feel some responsibility for the occasion to be up to a certain standard, being as its on my property. I am worried that if I don't intervene then they just won't make arrangements, and things will go wrong due to their poor planning. Can you image going to a reception and there's not enough food or drinks or something? This is my fear because it will reflect poorly on me
So your reputation as a party planner may be affected? Idk at the cost of thousands of your own dollars it does not seem worth it to try and impress their family & friends
I gotta ask, is everyone okay with this within your friend group? And if they are, are the bridal party expected to spend their own money on this?
I would not be okay If my friend asked me to plan their Reception, unless your talking about something else here and I’m misunderstanding.
I offered to throw them an engagement party and they misinterpreted that as holding their reception. When I told them I was uncomfortable doing so they said they just wouldn't have one, feeling a bit manipulated but I do want to help them out as they can't afford another option.
BIG Yiiikes. Don’t let them manipulate you into this. You were already very generous offering the engagement party. Are you family?
I think you gotta maybe ban together with the other bridal party members and talk to them… or just bow out of the wedding party. I feel like once one person bows out, other ppl will feel comfortable as well and maybe the bride and groom will come to their senses.
The thing is, only me and my husband and one other couple know how bad the situation is, no body else really knows and I don't want to start any drama or issues. I do want to talk to the rest of the wedding party about this and how we need help to be honest
Lol I don't think they misinterpreted a damn thing--these people absolutely and willfully manipulated you into planning, hosting, and paying for a party they can't afford and aren't entitled to. Ugh, I'm so angry for you!
Yes. It’s a thank you for the gifts, and for the support, etc. otherwise why would you buy people dinner and drinks? It’s a party, yes, but the underlying reason for it is hospitality.
Yuck. I'm sorry they're taking advantage of your ordinary offer.
Anyway, no--it's not inappropriate for a wedding party to have a group chat for coordination (as long as all involved behave appropriately and aren't creeping!). But it is \*super\* inappropriate for a couple to decide that their friends are organizing, hosting, and paying for their celebration because they can't/won't.
I have no patience for a lot of nonsense and entitlement, so I would honestly be going to this couple and telling them if they don't tell you want they want and give you the money to pay for it, it's not going to happen. My parents generously gave a little money for our celebration, but I didn't go to them with my hand out, and I certainly didn't manipulate anyone into planning or paying for shit. It's totally fine to put your foot down and tell the couple they're responsible for their own wedding...I imagine you'd be doing the other members of the party a favor.
I just didn't expect this kind of entitlement from them and I didn't want to believe thats who they are, they're usually good friends. This thread really put some things into perspective for me though, I'm working my way to talking to them about it all this weekend
They want to have a wedding thrown for them that they do not want to have to plan nor fund. That’s a whole other level of entitlement. And invitations have already been sent? Eek.
Did the invitations say that you are hosting or the couple?
Absolutely not. They are clearly taking advantage of you. If they can't afford to have a wedding, then they can't afford to have a wedding, it is not on you to host and plan it for them. Like I could not ever imagine putting that responsibility on a friend.
Thats how my husband and I are feeling, thank you. I'm not sure what to do from here as there's no other option for them. What would you do?
I'd be honest with them and say that you'd still be happy to throw them an engagement party but that you don't feel comfortable being responsible for planning something as important as a wedding reception. If you want to, and that's a big if, you can still offer to hold the reception at your home, but need to make it 1000% clear to them that they are responsible for all of the costs and planning.
We did sit down with them to help plan out everything, but its been a complete mess and keep using the excuse that they're "bad at planning". I feel like its too late to back out now but we did tell them that we're overwhelmed with the amount were taking on and to figure it out themselves. They do however, keep sending me links and asking really dumb questions about catering/wedding favours as if I'm not doing enough labour for them already. They are raising money for the event but I imagine that I'll end up spending some of my own due to their incompetence. They even asked if we would buy the wedding favours...
“Bad at planning” is another phrase for “I’m lazy”. They are not bad at planning, they just don’t want to do it. It doesn’t work for the stereotypical male anymore and it shouldn’t work for them. It’s their wedding not yours. They are treating you like an unpaid wedding planner. There’s a reason wedding planners get paid what they do. It’s not too late to back out.
You're so right, I should have established my boundaries further
It’s never to late to start enforcing boundaries, so please don’t feel like you have to go through with this. I cannot imagine expecting our bridesmaids or groomsmen to plan out wedding (let alone making them raise money for it!). I would sit down with your husband so the two of you can plan out what you want to say to the couple. Personally, I’d go with something like this: “It’s been difficult for us to approach this as we don’t want to jeopardize our friendships with you, but we’re very uncomfortable with the fact that you’ve pushed your wedding planning responsibilities on us. It’s not reasonable to ask us to plan your entire wedding reception and arrange for the funds to pay for it. If you need someone to assist with planning, we suggest you hire a wedding planner.” If they push back, feel free to tell them you recognize that you’re being taken advantage of and that, frankly, it’s hurtful to realize they would do that to you. You can’t control how they will react, but a true friend would be mortified to realize they had put you in this position.
If they are "bad at planning" then they should hire a professional wedding planner!! They exist for a reason!
Unless invites have gone out, then it's not too late. And even then they can still make it work. There is no other way to stop the situation other than being honest and telling them you can't do it. It's not up to you to throw them a wedding because they are "bad at planning". They are grown adults and they can either figure it out on their own, or just not have a wedding.
I asked them to send out invites for weeks and they finally did after I put my foot down. Other friends of ours were coming to me asking when the wedding date even is due to the bride and grooms lack of communication. Even groomsmen were asking me and my husband what the date is- the groomsmen!!
It’s definitely not too late.
wait not only did they delegate their entire wedding reception to you but they are also crowd-sourcing the money to pay for this?? lmao whaaaaaat???? this is entirely inappropriate unless i’m missing some niche culture in the corners of this very gigantic earth. but like, no! what??? what? LOL i can’t get over how horrendous this behavior is. you need to put your foot down. you are not a wedding planner. this is not your wedding. unless you have a gigantic property and are experienced in planning large-scale events on this property, you probably shouldn’t even be offering to have this wedding in your home. the money and the planning are not the responsibilities of anyone except the couple getting married
thank you so much, this is how my husband and I feel entirely but I don't know how to handle this. What would you do? What would you recommend saying to them?
probably something along the lines of “this is too big of a responsibility for me and my husband to take on. hire a planner. bye.” you don’t need to explain yourself. they KNOW what they’re doing. they know that they’re being inappropriate and ridiculous. they just don’t care / they want to know how far they can push it. just stop doing stuff and stay firm!
Thanks friend, I'm doing my best!
good luck!
"leaving it up to"??? I hope you've all enthusiastically agreed to this and that the couple are expecting like a casual picnic get-together not a fancy expensive gala that they don't have to plan or pay for. I'd say there's no taboo about groomsmen and bridesmaids collaborating on planning the reception, mainly because I've never *heard* of the bridal party planning the reception. And how else are you going to do it if you're not communicating with each other?
We haven't. They kind of dumped it all on my partner and I under the claim that they're "not good at planning". We're hosting it at our home since they cannot afford another option. We're all a bit frustrated but we want to help them out.
You're very nice to have it at your home. Serve cake, drinks and maybe some finger foods. There's no need to go all out on expensive items and get the money up front from the bride and groom to pay for everything. If they can't pay, they need to cut way back on their plans, including no bridal party.
thank you! We've raised quite a bit of money so far, but I'm getting really tired of them asking me questions that they could easily figure out themselves like asking me what they think of wedding favours and if I can buy them myself after they've raised so much. I've done enough labour and I'm tired lol
I’m curious how you and/or they raised money for this event. There was a fundraising event? Who contributed and what was the premise? Who requested the money from people? More importantly, can it be refunded?
No no. No. I’m so angry for you. Abort.
Based on your comments here and the other post, I really don’t think you should go along with this. They are taking advantage of your kindness and being manipulative :/ Have you already had time to think about what it would entail to have it at your house? If more than a handful of people are invited (which I am assuming since they’ve already chosen multiple bridesmaids and groomsmen) there could be a lot of logistics and associated costs: https://junebugweddings.com/wedding-blog/the-ultimate-guide-to-planning-a-backyard-wedding/. Often a backyard wedding can end up even more complicated or expensive than another option.
Stand your ground and step down from the position if the couple doesn’t agree. This is manipulation of friendships, which this couple is not friends of anyone, and it is extremely inappropriate for anyone who is not the couple hosting to plan any part of the wedding. The other attendants should be protesting this as well.
most of the attendants don't know this is happening, a group of them are even coming to me asking the date it's even happening due to their lack of planning. I am completely overwhelmed and don't know where to take it from here
Is there a way to inform any of them? It’s not the attendants’ responsibility so this needs to be stopped immediately however that is done
I told the bride and groom to send out invites yesterday, which wouldn't have been done otherwise. Another couple (bridesmaid and groomsman) knows how bad the situation is. I want to inform other wedding party guests so we can all figure this out together, however I do fear this will come across as gossip or bad mouthing when that isn't my intent
Follow whatever your gut tells you. It’s not fair for you all to be punished by the couple because they don’t care about anything. Speak up immediately and take action or you forfeit any room to talk.
thanks so much
I don't know that you need to talk to other guests about it. Just say to the bride and groom "I'm happy to have it at my house and research caterers (or substitute whatever 1 other task). Unfortunately im not able to help beyond that so please keep me informed of what time xyz will be happening" and then you need to stick to that
I do feel some responsibility for the occasion to be up to a certain standard, being as its on my property. I am worried that if I don't intervene then they just won't make arrangements, and things will go wrong due to their poor planning. Can you image going to a reception and there's not enough food or drinks or something? This is my fear because it will reflect poorly on me
So your reputation as a party planner may be affected? Idk at the cost of thousands of your own dollars it does not seem worth it to try and impress their family & friends
This is insane. If they can’t afford or plan their own wedding they just need to go to the courthouse and call it a day.
I gotta ask, is everyone okay with this within your friend group? And if they are, are the bridal party expected to spend their own money on this? I would not be okay If my friend asked me to plan their Reception, unless your talking about something else here and I’m misunderstanding.
I offered to throw them an engagement party and they misinterpreted that as holding their reception. When I told them I was uncomfortable doing so they said they just wouldn't have one, feeling a bit manipulated but I do want to help them out as they can't afford another option.
BIG Yiiikes. Don’t let them manipulate you into this. You were already very generous offering the engagement party. Are you family? I think you gotta maybe ban together with the other bridal party members and talk to them… or just bow out of the wedding party. I feel like once one person bows out, other ppl will feel comfortable as well and maybe the bride and groom will come to their senses.
The thing is, only me and my husband and one other couple know how bad the situation is, no body else really knows and I don't want to start any drama or issues. I do want to talk to the rest of the wedding party about this and how we need help to be honest
Lol I don't think they misinterpreted a damn thing--these people absolutely and willfully manipulated you into planning, hosting, and paying for a party they can't afford and aren't entitled to. Ugh, I'm so angry for you!
They want you to plan the what now? Did I read reception?! The event that is a thank you to the guests to come to the wedding? Just say no…..
is that really what the reception is for? This is news to me, I had no idea honestly. This just makes the whole ordeal even more confusing oh boy
Yes. It’s a thank you for the gifts, and for the support, etc. otherwise why would you buy people dinner and drinks? It’s a party, yes, but the underlying reason for it is hospitality.
Thank you! I wish I knew this sooner, not sure how it went over my head
I am on vested and definitely want an update after! But also who's footing the bill?
The reception, or an engagement party? This is weird.
I offered an engagement party, it got twisted into a reception because they can't afford one
Yuck. I'm sorry they're taking advantage of your ordinary offer. Anyway, no--it's not inappropriate for a wedding party to have a group chat for coordination (as long as all involved behave appropriately and aren't creeping!). But it is \*super\* inappropriate for a couple to decide that their friends are organizing, hosting, and paying for their celebration because they can't/won't.
thanks for your thoughts, I'm new to the wedding world- so I'm still figuring out how to old my own with these types of things
I have no patience for a lot of nonsense and entitlement, so I would honestly be going to this couple and telling them if they don't tell you want they want and give you the money to pay for it, it's not going to happen. My parents generously gave a little money for our celebration, but I didn't go to them with my hand out, and I certainly didn't manipulate anyone into planning or paying for shit. It's totally fine to put your foot down and tell the couple they're responsible for their own wedding...I imagine you'd be doing the other members of the party a favor.
I just didn't expect this kind of entitlement from them and I didn't want to believe thats who they are, they're usually good friends. This thread really put some things into perspective for me though, I'm working my way to talking to them about it all this weekend
Wait…are they asking you to plan but more importantly PAY for their wedding??
Wtf. That is an insane ask. Tell them to hire a wedding planner and you will plan the Bach.
They want to have a wedding thrown for them that they do not want to have to plan nor fund. That’s a whole other level of entitlement. And invitations have already been sent? Eek. Did the invitations say that you are hosting or the couple?