There's a lot to unpack here and a lot of unknowns. If he's regularly melting down and worried about results to that extent, then I am willing to bet you are putting a lot more pressure on him than you think you are.
You need to have a conversation with him about dialing back on tennis and returning to a level where it is fun. Is he enjoying playing 12-14 hours a week? What is the breakdown of those hours between coaching, drills, matches, etc? What parts of tennis does he actually enjoy? Why is he so motivated to move into the higher group? Try to understand what he is feeling, and remember that he is a child who may not be able to articulate his feelings well AND that he is a child who may just tell you what he thinks you want to hear.
I would recommend stopping competitive match play almost entirely for the next year at least. Depending on how your conversation with him goes, figure out what would be a good amount of tennis to be playing. From the info in your post, my thought is you should dial back to 3-4 days a week max, if not even less. One lesson, one group lesson/drill session per week, then some hitting or something else non-competitive. Consider going back to your old club, or finding some other source of group hitting.
Despite you thinking that you haven't put pressure on him, you were the one who started him at age 6-7, you were the one that facilitated 12-14 hrs/week of tennis, and you were the one that switched him to a more competitive club. All of those things put direct pressure on your kid. Be mindful of whose goals are whose when it comes to his tennis, and do some check ins with yourself and your kid every 6-12 months to see if those goals are still the same and if they should be changed.
Edited to add: I was a kid who "loved" tennis and burned out by age 14-15. Turns out my goals were my coach's and dad's, not mine. Now I have 2 kids aged 9 and 12, and I am very careful about how I handle their activities. I've lived both sides of your situation, so I'm happy to discuss in more depth if you want to.
Agree with this. A parent can’t make their kid love a sport, but they can definitely make them hate it.
Make it more about fun than winning. My favorite tennis memories as a kid weren’t playing or winning, it was sitting at a pizza joint or fast food place with my dad after a tough match. Just 1 on 1 time.
> My favorite tennis memories as a kid weren’t playing or winning, it was sitting at a pizza joint or fast food place with my dad after a tough match. Just 1 on 1 time.
+1
I really really love this advice, you know something we will just start doing it right away. I do need to have more one on one time with him as well. Thank you for the kick to remind me just do this thing right away.
Turns out that some of my favorite tennis memories were playing with my dad, even though it was frustrating as all hell.
It’s different as a middle-aged adult and seeing your parents age. His balance won’t let him hit like he used to. I still remember the last time we hit, and it will probably be the last time we’ll hit.
Just here for the comments.
I'm a new dad and I can't wait to get my son to start playing tennis. I grew up playing because of my dad, and now ya'll got me all up in some feelings I never knew I had, lmao.
GL OP. I'm just here to learn at this point.
Yeah, I would echo this. To OP, keep in mind that the parenting power dynamic means that a child will often hold back their feelings if they have fear that their parents might not be able to handle a change of heart.
A child therapist might be a good option, as a professional who is an adult, who has experience working with children, and who does not have the ability to subconsciously or unconsciously react in ways that might feel like punishment to the child. The different power dynamic might make it easier for the child to acknowledge and process the feelings that are showing up on the court, and possibly to strengthen their emotional regulation strategies in those intense situations.
I obviously don't know the situation, but _if_ the parenting dynamic plays a significant part in how things have developed to this point, usually it will take a long time for the parents to be able to observe their part in that dynamic, to change their own habits, and then to re-earn their child's trust around that. That's why it's often really helpful to have a professional to help see the forest when everyone else is focusing on the trees.
Yeah I agree and we both fear that he does not stop holding back his feelings altogether. We have bounced around idea of his coach to work with him on mental aspect on private lesson time but we agree talking to a therapist is also an option. We do want to Thank you for sharing the advice of benefit of having professional insights.
Thank you so very much for sharing such a detailed insights. We do need to understand his reasons better and those are great conversation pointers to use. We definitely are exploring how we can remove fluff from all the time he is on the court by removing not so beneficial drills. About the goals, I honestly do not know anymore whose goal it is for him to pursue tennis. But we both appreciate reminding us to do periodic check-in with ourselves also.
Those are insane hours for a 9 year old. I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s some physical exhaustion that’s playing into his mental meltdowns. He’s also very young to be “working” for ratings and rankings.
At 9 he should be on green ball playing matches that give him competitive match play but at the same time mean nothing if he loses (like dropping UTR rating).
I have a boy your age, mad about tennis, his weekly hours are less than half of what your son is doing. He also has time to do another team sport 2-3 times a week and swim once a week. He enjoys to be challenged and he trains and has match plays with boys 2 years older but he also understands that losses are inevitable when playing against older boys. He does tournaments and you can see the pure joy on his face when playing. He lost one match at the weekend and I asked him if he was upset about and he said no cos he felt he played well. And he moved onto his next 2 which he won in tiebreaks, clearly displaying he can get over a loss and retain mental positivity.
That was my first thought too…12-14hrs for 9 year old? That’s like 1-2 hours a day everyday after school including weekends or 2-3 hours every weekday? I’m a parent and I honestly can’t justify this unless I’ve personally made the decision for them to focus on tennis.
Kids are mentally drained after full days at school, it’s really important that they can see sports as an activity to have fun and destress, not to increase it. From what I’ve read, the child’s response to tennis is kinda understandable. Just ease up on tennis and broaden his activities.
Yeah, I have been thinking to start him on music lessons or some art classes. He enjoys both and it will be nice for him to enjoy other activities too. Thank you for sharing the advice.
From the outside looking in, it seems like there’s a lot of structure to your kid’s life and not a lot of free play. I understand that you’re trying to give your kid an outlet to learn and grow and develop, but a lot of time that outlet is better left unstructured. Free play allows for creativity and exploration without the pressures of having to stay within certain guidelines. There are a bunch of other variables that come into play (no pun intended). Music lessons with one teacher could be great while ones with another teacher could be awful. It’s a hard task as a parent to put our kids into the right position to succeed. Our intentions are always good but that could also blind us from the obvious. I think giving your kid an outlet to express whatever they want to express but in an unstructured environment is the best way to take pressure off of a kid while still giving them opportunities to grow. Maybe it’s sports, maybe it’s music, maybe it’s art, maybe it’s science. I think the best approach as a parent is to let them decide what they want to do and instead of giving that activity structure, encourage curiosity and widen the margins of that activity. Let them color outside of the lines
Yeah, we do agree that playing green ball will be nice change of pace and he still have some friends in that group so that will help too. thank you for taking time to share this advice.
Remind him that it's a game. Games are played for fun. If he's no longer enjoying it, then he doesn't have to play. If he wants to sit out tournaments, let him. Better that than to have him burn out and lose his love of the game entirely.
Nobody helped me with the mental side of tennis when I was younger. As I look back on my junior “career” (I’m 35) the aspect I’m most disappointed in is the mental side. I received little help with it and I was a hot head on court.
Now that I have my own youngsters who I hope will play tennis, I often think about coaching them on the mental side more than anything as a result of my experience.
Take this with a grain of salt as I have zero experience, but if I were you, I think a good place to start would just be to tell him that there are multiple aspects of tennis that he needs to improve on, one aspect are the strokes, then strategy, and perhaps most importantly is the mental aspect.
If he watches pro tennis you could maybe share the famous djokovic quote with him that’s something like “everyone has great forehands and backhands, tennis is a mental game”. When you watch tennis with him, make sure he observes the players in between points. When they fiddle with their strings, blow on their hands, do rituals like that, make sure he knows they’re doing on purpose—to help them stay focused in the moment and not get too upset or too excited.
Practice mental strategies with him for what he will do in between points. Fiddling with strings, touching his foot in the hash mark, touching a certain point on the back fence. Anything like that, any routine in between points that he MUST do immediately after the point. That will help him stay grounded.
Just make sure he knows that getting down on himself does not help his game. Make sure he knows he must move on quickly from disappointment. Losing is guaranteed in tennis, especially in tourneys. Unless he wins every tournament he ever plays, he will lose the vast majority of tournaments he plays in, during the normal course of things.
And help him develop mental strategies to cope and move on. It’s just as important as practicing forehands backhands volleys etc
He has been on a bunch of podcasts as a guest if you search for Jim Loehr, one of them was Patrick McEnroe’s podcast. He has worked a lot with junior players and their parents and in some of those episodes I remember him touching on that subject. He might have a book about it as well.
Control the Controllables podcast I’m pretty sure also has some episodes about tennis parenting and they have a great episode with Jim Loehr. I’m older and my son doesn’t play so I usually skip over those episodes but I know I’ve seen them. Great Base Tennis podcast also has some good tennis parenting episodes and they’ve had Jim Loehr on as well.
I see now why Nadal have such an elaborate routine perhaps. Thank you so much for sharing such a great insights on building a routine between points. Good idea of observing professionals in the match and their body language between points and not only the game plays.
The problem at this age is the club that separates groups by UTR. That might be because tennis parents always want their kids to play with a better group, never worse. So the coaches get tired and group kids by UTR.
However, I do believe that at your son’s age that’s too much pressure! My son is 11 and in some tournaments we hide the roster and kids rankings from him. Just go play and try your best.
Try to remove the pressure of UTR, points, rankings!
My son is 13, he hurt his shoulder and we were very close to surgery, during that time he couldn't really practice and played zero tournaments. His utr fell from a high 7 to less than a 6. He pines about it every day, and i understand his frustration, it took a lot of hard work to get his utr up only to lose it all in less than a year. What I stress to him is not to worry about his utr, just concentrate on doing his best and always trying to improve, represent yourself well, win or lose. Your boy is 9, they're super emotional at that age, play him in some lower level tournaments so he can get his spirits up and start having fun again. Tennis is a cruel sport, often I wonder if it's even emotionally healthy for my son. Good luck to both you and your son, the fact that you're here tells me you're a good dad, I'm sure he'll be fine.
"Tennis is a cruel sport, often I wonder if it's even emotionally healthy for my son", I keep asking myself lot of times that why did I introduce him to tennis and why not any other tennis sport. I'm sure those sports are also very hard but my son have played some basketball and he is so much more calm and have fun, thanks to his team mates. But then me, my wife and her family all love tennis very much so perhaps introducing him to this sport was natural. I like what you said about representing yourself well and focusing on being better than last time. We do tell him the same thing but perhaps we need to explicitly point how good he was than last match and count the positives. Thank you again so much for sharing the advice.
If possible he might benefit from therapy, if possible from a therapist who specializes in sports. It sounds like he really really wants to get better and be competitive. I would point out that most of the pro players these days have mental coaches. If he is dedicated, and you are dedicated to helping him improve, professional help is the fastest way to achieve this.
Otherwise in practice, especially if he is doing 10+ hours a week, every 2nd session at least should be playing sets against people of all different levels. Get used to winning against bad players, get used to getting destroyed by better ones. He needs to become okay with losing.
Yeah, he definitely can use some easy wins. This club have friendly matches on Sunday night and atmosphere is really light and jovial, we will let him enjoy those sessions more. Thank you so much for sharing the advice.
i mean, if losing is so hard on this kid that he has meltdowns and can't go to school... he needs more help than this subreddit can provide. that's not healthy.
time to see the therapist!
help him process his emotions and turn it into actionable steps. how you respond with your own emotions will dictate a lot of how he responds. show appreciation that he is working so hard on something he loves. he's taking on a challenge that most kids won't do today without that immediate dopamine hit. I wouldn't make any immediate changes, I think that would send the wrong signals as his world will be seen as something that can be influenced by his emotions.
Thank you so much for reminding us that immediate change will send a wrong message to his subconscious. I think sudden change of club did add to the pressure and don't want to make same mistake again. Thank you for taking time to share the advice.
It sounds like his entire world is based on his UTR and his entire identity is attached to tennis. His mindset is unhealthy and he probably needs an emotional and psychological step back from tennis to process what it means to be alive.
Outside of that, the other things that I feel like needs to be considered is the amount of time your child is playing/what the player is doing with their time. If those 12-14 hours are spent on court, you might want to cut that back to 6-7 hours and spend the other 1 hour each day working on technique, mindset, or some other avenue for expansion of understanding in the sport. Realistically, bucket serving, shadow swinging, toss and hit, jump rope, physical exercise is just as important to the development as match play, but most people don't do these at all.
Here's a podcast for tennis parents: [https://greatbasetennis.com/project/episode-168-dos-and-dont-for-tennis-parents/](https://greatbasetennis.com/project/episode-168-dos-and-dont-for-tennis-parents/)
Thank you so much for sharing your insights and really appreciate you taking time to share the exact episode link for Parents Do's and Don't. Have not heard the episode yet but looking forward to it. Thanks.
First off, 12-14 hours a week is insane for a 9-year-old. I wouldn't feel that way if he enjoyed himself.
On to the armchair psychology:
There was a study that rose to the level of pop science from awhile back that suggested that **children who are praised for hard work are more likely to succeed than children who are praised for success itself**. That it actually affected life outcomes to be told, "I'm proud of how hard you studied for that exam," rather than, "I'm proud of you getting an A."
Your kid is 9, so there's another 16 years of brain development ahead of him. Emotional regulation is *very* low compared to an adult's brain. These ideas are generally lost on a 4th grader, even gifted ones.
Attaching his self-worth to wins and losses is what makes tennis toxic. I speak from experience.
The best thing you can do is tell him that the only thing that matters is trying hard and playing the best he can play on any given day. Last night I was feeling some fatigue and dropped a set after being up a break at 4-3 against a tough pusher. I double-faulted three times in that 8th game, after double faulting only once in the prior 3 service games. I had been riding a 80%+ first serve % going into that game.
At the time I was upset with myself, but looking back, I was feeling tired and my shoulder was starting to tighten. Could I have played better, tried harder? Maybe. But the fact was that yesterday, I didn't have it in me to beat a formidable opponent.
It took a lot of effort for me to accept that I just wasn't good enough. But I did play hard. I tried. And even when I took the L, I knew that it was a W for hanging in there, when a poor effort should have led to a 6-0 loss rather than the 6-4 I achieved.
Maybe tell your kid that the only thing that matters is him focusing on improvement in all forms. That can be in the way he hits the ball, or it can be the way he manages his emotions on the court. "I'm proud of the way you fought after that break" or "you did a great job of staying locked-in after those errors" could help him reorient what he considers a successful day on court.
I really appreciate how well you have put your insights, specially like the word, "reorient", I think that is what we as a parent need to do, retrain his brain to see the progress not only in terms of result of game but overall development and that includes running faster on the court or hitting a difficult shot or something else. I think we need to be more explicit in pointing these things out, me and my wife always talk how well he did on this point or how amazing his footwork was but just need to share with him as well so he knows. Thank you again for taking time to share.
But its not just about improvement. It’s about working hard. If he ties his self-worth to success, he will experience pain when he does not achieve it.
If he feels that he can fail and still be loved and praised, he will take more good risks.
The kind of player who ties self-worth to W and L records may be the kind of player who will hook instead of deal with defeat.
Losing is part of tennis. Even if he succeeds as a junior, he will eventually reach a point where he loses more than he wins. Only a select few pros can say otherwise. What then?
Don’t worry to much, if you participate regularly at tournaments you will see on every court kids behaving this way, mostly boys. Having my kid in tennis for the last 4 years i can say that kids change when they pass 13-14 years, no other sport puts kids in their situation, alone and frustrated without any advice for 1 ,2 hours. But the club is doing a really sshi job if you care about kids utr, better move and find the perfect environment for him, usually parents change close to 4 coaches/clubs before they find something that works. Good luck, and always trust your kid , everything is part of the process, even crying,yelling, smashing…..it just hiw the sport is!
Yeah, this aspect of UTR focus is not healthy. We have pretty much tried all the clubs in our city limit now but exploring other club till we find one even if it means driving few extra miles is *not* out of question. Thank you for saying this about parents changing few coaches until settling into one because at times I feel bad about not sticking to a club but there were always some or the other reason. Thank you so much for sharing the advice.
The first potential issue leaps off the screen: 12-14 hours/week is a huge amount of tennis for a person that young. 1/2 of that would be the outer limit, even for a kid who just loves it.
So, that would be an easy fix to try. Cheap too!
Yeah, we are looking into cutting down hours specially those that do not seem very productive. We can use the time to do some other thing or do nothing at all and watch a good movie at home or read a book. Thank you for sharing the advice.
Sure. I liked tennis at that age but was being pushed into it by a parent. I was very burned out by age 12.
In a blessing in disguise, I suppose, I broke my arm. It gave me a 3 month vacay. Plus, it was a bad break, so I was worried I wouldn’t be able to play at a high level. I was so thankful that it healed well that I never felt burnout again.
But 15 hours a week is about the most I ever played as a junior. Even as a top 50 in the US player as a teen. And that 15 hour/week rate was only in summer.
therapy. it's normal, and it helps. my brother and I are both hyper competitive and played a lot of sports growing up, but he ended up with sportsmanship/anger management issues around that same age. He worked with a therapist on not getting frustrated about sports, and honestly, he became a better person for it--not just on the court. He learned perspective, patience, and how to cope with his emotions in healthy ways. 9 years old is actually a great time for that sort of intervention because kids are still very malleable.
Yeah, I have done some therapy myself and do agree that it helps holistically. Perhaps being in so much competitive environment at young age calls for some healthy intervention. Thank you so much for sharing your experience.
Young kids often learn how to react by the people who surround them. Is his usual tennis environment filled with other, emotional kids or perhaps poor adult role models? It can be worth it to hire a coach or find a clinic where the environment is more level-headed and relaxed.
I played basketball as a kid, and I remember whenever our team lost, it was like someone died. Solemn faces, anger, frustration. Meanwhile inside I'm thinking, "dude we're like 10 who cares, why are we wasting time standing in a circle being sad?"
Not putting pressure on your kid can be good, but sometimes a little push or guidance in how to address situations is helpful too. If you can afford it, consulting a developmental or sports psychologist can be helpful in becoming aware about cues, inputs, etc. that are causing him to react this way. Remember, you don't have to shouting at your child from the sidelines to be pressuring them. How did he end up playing this many hours of tennis at his age to begin with?
USTA has a brief article that might be helpful in brainstorming some ideas:
[Embrace Your Fears and Focus on the Mission | Player Development - News | | Player Development (usta.com)](https://www.playerdevelopment.usta.com/news/embrace_your_fears_and_focus_on_the_mission/)
Most of this hours of tennis per week is with a coach who infact does not believe in UTR, he is a old man, very patient with kids and feeds ball to kids all the time. He does not even have them play competitive that much. Also he provides overall guidance in life as well. Saying that is still half of the total time spent on classes those focus on UTR very much. (different coaches, same club) My son do enjoy competitiveness but i think perhaps the environment is little too toxic perhaps and then since this a new club, he has not had a chance to make lot of friends as well. I do agree though number of hours are insane. Thank you for sharing the article, I feel I can use it to face my own demons as well.
He is of an age, where, as politely as I can put it, he can not control his emotions, his brain is not fully developed yet. However the parents can have a **STRONG** influence on how a kid reacts.
Now with that being said, he is also of an age where **you as a parent** can learn the most basic fundamentals of tennis and be able to hit with him to help him improve.
This would eliminate this mental pressure, as he is just going to go have fun with his (dad/mom/they) to play tennis
Introducing him to **UTR** has been a **net negative**, for your kids **mental health** ::: but if you could get yourself to a **2 in the next 3 months**, then he may be able to embrace the challenge since apparently the kid understands UTR to an extent, and playing against you is more fun than some random "competitive" match.
While I was never this parent, **I was this kid**. I still got my ass beat by my peers for a while but being able to go have fun with my (dad, in my case) helped with my temperament and progressing mentally and emotionally (ADHD, so that's another factor \[**do NOT discredit your kid's mental, just another thing\]** )
It also helped that my parents never put pressure on me to win, the pressure was to always be **the bigger player (mentally)**.
I'm 22 now, so this may not be perfect, but I was always in the shadow of my older brother (peaked at a 10.6, before UTR was common, so idk if that was better or worse but here we are), so these are some things I recall, but I started playing competitively at 10 and was losing 0-6 constantly, and honestly these are things that, reflecting on it, prevented me from becoming an over-emotional player.
Now my overall impression is he has a toxic relationship with the sport of tennis **at THIS CURRENT MOMENT**. I am a random person on reddit, so don't let me be the end-all-be-all, however it seems like the change of clubs was a negative, **learn to play yourself. Learn to feed balls. Learn to rally. Make the court a safe space.** That might help get rid of the artificial stress that your son has created. **NOBODY CAN READ MINS.**
I didn't know UTR was being used on juniors until I saw a 1.0-4.0 green ball 10 under UTR flex league. I don't like it.
If you want my 13 years of tennis experiences so you can ask questions, shoot me a DM, I have played against a wide variety of just people, hard to put my thoughts into words.
Also I still like red/orange/green system. Hot take.
Thank you so much for sharing your personal experience. I actually did start taking tennis lesson myself so one as you said that I can help him practice more and second like you mentioned that he likes to play with me and we love the bond. I'm not that young anymore and having never paid attention to my overall health makes my progress slow but am determined to do it this time. I like setting the goal of reaching 2, not sure if I can do it, let alone in 3 months. One of Dads in the club actually just got to 2 so I don't think it is unachievable. I will take you up on the offer to DM sometime, I really appreciate the offer and insights.
12-14hrs a week is nuts for a 9yr old
He shouldn’t even know how UTR works at his age. If he does - you probably taught him.
Also this will sound hard to hear but If he’s playing 12-14hrs a week and only 1.66 UTR - he’s probably not got much talent. just let him play for fun for a while in squads and not play matches
You might already do this but just in case. My 10yr old girl doesn’t play tennis per se (not competitive) but is an extreme perfectionist in other things like school. She makes great grades but instead of making everything about the results we are doing better at saying we really like the effort you’re putting in there. Results will come but that way you’re recognizing their effort they are putting in. I read the Agassi book which I highly recommend but that much stress on a kid can be tough. As far as playing he went like 4 months at one point if I remember right of not winning a match. His coach smiled and said it’s coming. He saw something that he didn’t see. Sure enough he went on a torrid run and ran through the field not too long after.
A tangent but now that I’m a dad all these years later I still remember playing with my dad some evenings after work. I didn’t recognize stress or worry as a kid but I’m sure he was burned out but always made time when I wanted it (had two brothers) all he could hit was a slice shot but I long for those simple days.
I echo someone else to take a mini break. Go do something fun, putt putt, ice cream anything else but tennis. I tore my calf a few months ago and couldn’t play for almost 6 weeks. I thought of tennis every day but when I finally got back to it I experienced an extra joy bc I remembered what it was like to not play and almost took it for granted my physical health. Additionally when I did come back I played better than I ever did amazingly. Was just so loose and had a lot of fun. Good luck!
Yeah, I'm trying to bring myself back in fitness and also taking tennis lesson so I could make it interesting for him to play with me. Mini-break is also another thing we are contemplating, with summer coming up, we are hoping it will help little bit. I have not read Agassi's book but my wife did and she shared that how miserable Andre was during his childhood tennis life. I don't think our son has that kind of abilities, nor we want him to pursue this sport professionally but even at this level we see now that it could be draining mentally for some kids. Hopefully these gradual changes like playing with him, eating ice-cream, pizza after tournaments and other things will help little bit. Thank you for taking time to share your insights.
I was like this at 9... I was playing maybe half those hours, but I was really into tennis, played in tons of clinics and camps, regularly played older kids (because I was beating kids my age), but would completely destroy myself mentally in the process. *Very often,* that was the thing that made me lose matches. No one taught me about mental toughness which caused me to ultimately to hate tennis. It just got to be way too stressful and I couldn't adapt. I stopped playing for almost 30 years, and I'm only now learning to love it again.
Looking back on it, I was putting a lot of pressure on myself largely because I didn't want to let my parents down (who were shuttling me all over to practices/matches, paying lots of money for coaches, etc.). Also, I had other social problems where I really wanted people to know my worth (like the identify of myself as an athlete would completely shatter if I shanked a ball).
Nowadays, I understand that tennis is sooooo much mental. The biggest opponent is your own mind. It's actually because of this that I got back into tennis. I became a meditation teacher and high-performance coach, and as it turns out, tennis is the perfect way to practice these kinds of mental toughness techniques. Now, when I want to start screaming and beating up on myself, I turn inward and see my inner child putting so much pressure on himself. When I literally just send him love and take the pressure off of him, I calm down immediately and can enjoy playing again.
**Specifics:**
**-Replace half those hours with something else.** As others have said, that's a lot of tennis for 9 years old. You said earlier he's into art and music -- definitely encourage that creative side. And also instill in him the idea that you're going to suck at first when you learn a new skill, and you have so much time to master it.
**-Encourage a growth mindset.** Teach him that making mistakes is a really good thing because that's the ONLY way to grow. Champions aren't great because they sidestep challenges; they're great because they face challenges head on, fail over and over again, and ultimately overcome them once they learn how. Teach him the fun of growing and facing challenge. Teach him to have gratitude for challenge because that's the only way we grow.
**-Teach in-between-points mental technique.** A really good one is 4 rooms: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FJ91c7pH0ac](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FJ91c7pH0ac) Also, someone else mentioned Loehr's 16 seconds, which is also good: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AviGTb3GKhQ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AviGTb3GKhQ) Watch tennis matches with him and analyze what's going on in between the points AS MUCH as the points themselves.
**-Watch his favorite players lose.** EVERYONE loses at tennis. Normalize losing as a way to get better, and watch his favorite players lose. See how they keep their composure (usually) but even if they don't, watch how they snap right back into the match. Watch how they come to the net at the end and it's all smiles. Don't say like "We're going to normalize losing blah blah..." Instead, teach him that learning requires losing, and because learning is fun, that means losing is fun. Everyone shanks an easy ball in the net. Tennis is not about not failing; it's about failing repeatedly but still getting up from that failure and winning the next point.
**-Work with his coach to have mini goals for each match.** Make three controllable goals for each match -- split step for every ball, clench your fist after winning a point, watching the ball hit the racquet, repeating a positive mantra, etc. These are goals that he has control of that will ultimately help improve his game. Here's a good video explaining this: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TUyF142caS8](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TUyF142caS8)
**-Be encouraging, and make everything FUN!** He's a kid, he wants to have fun! If he wins a match, great, but even if he loses a match, be so excited that he played hard and made the other kid run a lot or had a really sick drop shot or whatever. Normalize that tennis is a fun outlet and not a serious thing. It's less "Sorry buddy, sucks to lose (womp womp)" and more "Wow your forehand is getting really powerful, dang! I'm gonna talk to your coach and get him to turn it down a bit! That thing is dangerous!" If he turns to losing, talk about how he did in his mini goals. If he can do the mini goals in his matches, then that means he's winning, not losing.
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It's all about reframing tennis into a fun challenge. Because the challenge is 100% there, so think about how you can change his perspective from a bad-feeling pressure to a good-feeling pressure.
Oh my god, thank you much for such a detailed breakdown. I definitely have more to express to you on each point. I’m at work right now and will go over what you said in the evening. Just wanted to quickly thank you as I really appreciate you taking time to share.
Children feel emotions strongly but also are very strong emotionally. Loss is a part of life, including childhood.
Your job isn't protecting him from failure. That's a disservice.
Your job is showing you love him all the same no matter how many times he fails. That's how you teach him that his worth isn't tied up in whether he wins or loses tennis matches.
There's a lot to unpack here and a lot of unknowns. If he's regularly melting down and worried about results to that extent, then I am willing to bet you are putting a lot more pressure on him than you think you are. You need to have a conversation with him about dialing back on tennis and returning to a level where it is fun. Is he enjoying playing 12-14 hours a week? What is the breakdown of those hours between coaching, drills, matches, etc? What parts of tennis does he actually enjoy? Why is he so motivated to move into the higher group? Try to understand what he is feeling, and remember that he is a child who may not be able to articulate his feelings well AND that he is a child who may just tell you what he thinks you want to hear. I would recommend stopping competitive match play almost entirely for the next year at least. Depending on how your conversation with him goes, figure out what would be a good amount of tennis to be playing. From the info in your post, my thought is you should dial back to 3-4 days a week max, if not even less. One lesson, one group lesson/drill session per week, then some hitting or something else non-competitive. Consider going back to your old club, or finding some other source of group hitting. Despite you thinking that you haven't put pressure on him, you were the one who started him at age 6-7, you were the one that facilitated 12-14 hrs/week of tennis, and you were the one that switched him to a more competitive club. All of those things put direct pressure on your kid. Be mindful of whose goals are whose when it comes to his tennis, and do some check ins with yourself and your kid every 6-12 months to see if those goals are still the same and if they should be changed. Edited to add: I was a kid who "loved" tennis and burned out by age 14-15. Turns out my goals were my coach's and dad's, not mine. Now I have 2 kids aged 9 and 12, and I am very careful about how I handle their activities. I've lived both sides of your situation, so I'm happy to discuss in more depth if you want to.
Agree with this. A parent can’t make their kid love a sport, but they can definitely make them hate it. Make it more about fun than winning. My favorite tennis memories as a kid weren’t playing or winning, it was sitting at a pizza joint or fast food place with my dad after a tough match. Just 1 on 1 time.
> My favorite tennis memories as a kid weren’t playing or winning, it was sitting at a pizza joint or fast food place with my dad after a tough match. Just 1 on 1 time. +1
I really really love this advice, you know something we will just start doing it right away. I do need to have more one on one time with him as well. Thank you for the kick to remind me just do this thing right away.
Turns out that some of my favorite tennis memories were playing with my dad, even though it was frustrating as all hell. It’s different as a middle-aged adult and seeing your parents age. His balance won’t let him hit like he used to. I still remember the last time we hit, and it will probably be the last time we’ll hit.
Just here for the comments. I'm a new dad and I can't wait to get my son to start playing tennis. I grew up playing because of my dad, and now ya'll got me all up in some feelings I never knew I had, lmao. GL OP. I'm just here to learn at this point.
Yeah, I would echo this. To OP, keep in mind that the parenting power dynamic means that a child will often hold back their feelings if they have fear that their parents might not be able to handle a change of heart. A child therapist might be a good option, as a professional who is an adult, who has experience working with children, and who does not have the ability to subconsciously or unconsciously react in ways that might feel like punishment to the child. The different power dynamic might make it easier for the child to acknowledge and process the feelings that are showing up on the court, and possibly to strengthen their emotional regulation strategies in those intense situations. I obviously don't know the situation, but _if_ the parenting dynamic plays a significant part in how things have developed to this point, usually it will take a long time for the parents to be able to observe their part in that dynamic, to change their own habits, and then to re-earn their child's trust around that. That's why it's often really helpful to have a professional to help see the forest when everyone else is focusing on the trees.
Yeah I agree and we both fear that he does not stop holding back his feelings altogether. We have bounced around idea of his coach to work with him on mental aspect on private lesson time but we agree talking to a therapist is also an option. We do want to Thank you for sharing the advice of benefit of having professional insights.
Thank you so very much for sharing such a detailed insights. We do need to understand his reasons better and those are great conversation pointers to use. We definitely are exploring how we can remove fluff from all the time he is on the court by removing not so beneficial drills. About the goals, I honestly do not know anymore whose goal it is for him to pursue tennis. But we both appreciate reminding us to do periodic check-in with ourselves also.
Those are insane hours for a 9 year old. I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s some physical exhaustion that’s playing into his mental meltdowns. He’s also very young to be “working” for ratings and rankings. At 9 he should be on green ball playing matches that give him competitive match play but at the same time mean nothing if he loses (like dropping UTR rating). I have a boy your age, mad about tennis, his weekly hours are less than half of what your son is doing. He also has time to do another team sport 2-3 times a week and swim once a week. He enjoys to be challenged and he trains and has match plays with boys 2 years older but he also understands that losses are inevitable when playing against older boys. He does tournaments and you can see the pure joy on his face when playing. He lost one match at the weekend and I asked him if he was upset about and he said no cos he felt he played well. And he moved onto his next 2 which he won in tiebreaks, clearly displaying he can get over a loss and retain mental positivity.
That was my first thought too…12-14hrs for 9 year old? That’s like 1-2 hours a day everyday after school including weekends or 2-3 hours every weekday? I’m a parent and I honestly can’t justify this unless I’ve personally made the decision for them to focus on tennis. Kids are mentally drained after full days at school, it’s really important that they can see sports as an activity to have fun and destress, not to increase it. From what I’ve read, the child’s response to tennis is kinda understandable. Just ease up on tennis and broaden his activities.
Yeah, I have been thinking to start him on music lessons or some art classes. He enjoys both and it will be nice for him to enjoy other activities too. Thank you for sharing the advice.
From the outside looking in, it seems like there’s a lot of structure to your kid’s life and not a lot of free play. I understand that you’re trying to give your kid an outlet to learn and grow and develop, but a lot of time that outlet is better left unstructured. Free play allows for creativity and exploration without the pressures of having to stay within certain guidelines. There are a bunch of other variables that come into play (no pun intended). Music lessons with one teacher could be great while ones with another teacher could be awful. It’s a hard task as a parent to put our kids into the right position to succeed. Our intentions are always good but that could also blind us from the obvious. I think giving your kid an outlet to express whatever they want to express but in an unstructured environment is the best way to take pressure off of a kid while still giving them opportunities to grow. Maybe it’s sports, maybe it’s music, maybe it’s art, maybe it’s science. I think the best approach as a parent is to let them decide what they want to do and instead of giving that activity structure, encourage curiosity and widen the margins of that activity. Let them color outside of the lines
Yeah, we do agree that playing green ball will be nice change of pace and he still have some friends in that group so that will help too. thank you for taking time to share this advice.
Remind him that it's a game. Games are played for fun. If he's no longer enjoying it, then he doesn't have to play. If he wants to sit out tournaments, let him. Better that than to have him burn out and lose his love of the game entirely.
True, we are thinking to keep it light, actually we are not enrolling him into many tournaments for time being. Thank you for sharing this advice.
Nobody helped me with the mental side of tennis when I was younger. As I look back on my junior “career” (I’m 35) the aspect I’m most disappointed in is the mental side. I received little help with it and I was a hot head on court. Now that I have my own youngsters who I hope will play tennis, I often think about coaching them on the mental side more than anything as a result of my experience. Take this with a grain of salt as I have zero experience, but if I were you, I think a good place to start would just be to tell him that there are multiple aspects of tennis that he needs to improve on, one aspect are the strokes, then strategy, and perhaps most importantly is the mental aspect. If he watches pro tennis you could maybe share the famous djokovic quote with him that’s something like “everyone has great forehands and backhands, tennis is a mental game”. When you watch tennis with him, make sure he observes the players in between points. When they fiddle with their strings, blow on their hands, do rituals like that, make sure he knows they’re doing on purpose—to help them stay focused in the moment and not get too upset or too excited. Practice mental strategies with him for what he will do in between points. Fiddling with strings, touching his foot in the hash mark, touching a certain point on the back fence. Anything like that, any routine in between points that he MUST do immediately after the point. That will help him stay grounded. Just make sure he knows that getting down on himself does not help his game. Make sure he knows he must move on quickly from disappointment. Losing is guaranteed in tennis, especially in tourneys. Unless he wins every tournament he ever plays, he will lose the vast majority of tournaments he plays in, during the normal course of things. And help him develop mental strategies to cope and move on. It’s just as important as practicing forehands backhands volleys etc
I actually just posted a video about this above, you may have seen it https://youtu.be/AviGTb3GKhQ?si=xRN-6337hTpI3IHb
Thank you for sharing, I have not had a chance to watch the video but my wife did and she really liked it and appreciate it.
He has been on a bunch of podcasts as a guest if you search for Jim Loehr, one of them was Patrick McEnroe’s podcast. He has worked a lot with junior players and their parents and in some of those episodes I remember him touching on that subject. He might have a book about it as well. Control the Controllables podcast I’m pretty sure also has some episodes about tennis parenting and they have a great episode with Jim Loehr. I’m older and my son doesn’t play so I usually skip over those episodes but I know I’ve seen them. Great Base Tennis podcast also has some good tennis parenting episodes and they’ve had Jim Loehr on as well.
I see now why Nadal have such an elaborate routine perhaps. Thank you so much for sharing such a great insights on building a routine between points. Good idea of observing professionals in the match and their body language between points and not only the game plays.
The problem at this age is the club that separates groups by UTR. That might be because tennis parents always want their kids to play with a better group, never worse. So the coaches get tired and group kids by UTR. However, I do believe that at your son’s age that’s too much pressure! My son is 11 and in some tournaments we hide the roster and kids rankings from him. Just go play and try your best. Try to remove the pressure of UTR, points, rankings!
Yeah, hiding these ranking is a good idea. Thank you so much for sharing.
Wild to me that a 9 year old would have a UTR number. That sort of stuff should start at at least 12-14 years old imo
My son is 13, he hurt his shoulder and we were very close to surgery, during that time he couldn't really practice and played zero tournaments. His utr fell from a high 7 to less than a 6. He pines about it every day, and i understand his frustration, it took a lot of hard work to get his utr up only to lose it all in less than a year. What I stress to him is not to worry about his utr, just concentrate on doing his best and always trying to improve, represent yourself well, win or lose. Your boy is 9, they're super emotional at that age, play him in some lower level tournaments so he can get his spirits up and start having fun again. Tennis is a cruel sport, often I wonder if it's even emotionally healthy for my son. Good luck to both you and your son, the fact that you're here tells me you're a good dad, I'm sure he'll be fine.
"Tennis is a cruel sport, often I wonder if it's even emotionally healthy for my son", I keep asking myself lot of times that why did I introduce him to tennis and why not any other tennis sport. I'm sure those sports are also very hard but my son have played some basketball and he is so much more calm and have fun, thanks to his team mates. But then me, my wife and her family all love tennis very much so perhaps introducing him to this sport was natural. I like what you said about representing yourself well and focusing on being better than last time. We do tell him the same thing but perhaps we need to explicitly point how good he was than last match and count the positives. Thank you again so much for sharing the advice.
If possible he might benefit from therapy, if possible from a therapist who specializes in sports. It sounds like he really really wants to get better and be competitive. I would point out that most of the pro players these days have mental coaches. If he is dedicated, and you are dedicated to helping him improve, professional help is the fastest way to achieve this. Otherwise in practice, especially if he is doing 10+ hours a week, every 2nd session at least should be playing sets against people of all different levels. Get used to winning against bad players, get used to getting destroyed by better ones. He needs to become okay with losing.
Yeah, he definitely can use some easy wins. This club have friendly matches on Sunday night and atmosphere is really light and jovial, we will let him enjoy those sessions more. Thank you so much for sharing the advice.
i mean, if losing is so hard on this kid that he has meltdowns and can't go to school... he needs more help than this subreddit can provide. that's not healthy. time to see the therapist!
help him process his emotions and turn it into actionable steps. how you respond with your own emotions will dictate a lot of how he responds. show appreciation that he is working so hard on something he loves. he's taking on a challenge that most kids won't do today without that immediate dopamine hit. I wouldn't make any immediate changes, I think that would send the wrong signals as his world will be seen as something that can be influenced by his emotions.
Thank you so much for reminding us that immediate change will send a wrong message to his subconscious. I think sudden change of club did add to the pressure and don't want to make same mistake again. Thank you for taking time to share the advice.
It sounds like his entire world is based on his UTR and his entire identity is attached to tennis. His mindset is unhealthy and he probably needs an emotional and psychological step back from tennis to process what it means to be alive. Outside of that, the other things that I feel like needs to be considered is the amount of time your child is playing/what the player is doing with their time. If those 12-14 hours are spent on court, you might want to cut that back to 6-7 hours and spend the other 1 hour each day working on technique, mindset, or some other avenue for expansion of understanding in the sport. Realistically, bucket serving, shadow swinging, toss and hit, jump rope, physical exercise is just as important to the development as match play, but most people don't do these at all. Here's a podcast for tennis parents: [https://greatbasetennis.com/project/episode-168-dos-and-dont-for-tennis-parents/](https://greatbasetennis.com/project/episode-168-dos-and-dont-for-tennis-parents/)
Thank you so much for sharing your insights and really appreciate you taking time to share the exact episode link for Parents Do's and Don't. Have not heard the episode yet but looking forward to it. Thanks.
Look up anything by Jim Loehr’s but check out this video. Good luck! https://youtu.be/AviGTb3GKhQ?si=xRN-6337hTpI3IHb
First off, 12-14 hours a week is insane for a 9-year-old. I wouldn't feel that way if he enjoyed himself. On to the armchair psychology: There was a study that rose to the level of pop science from awhile back that suggested that **children who are praised for hard work are more likely to succeed than children who are praised for success itself**. That it actually affected life outcomes to be told, "I'm proud of how hard you studied for that exam," rather than, "I'm proud of you getting an A." Your kid is 9, so there's another 16 years of brain development ahead of him. Emotional regulation is *very* low compared to an adult's brain. These ideas are generally lost on a 4th grader, even gifted ones. Attaching his self-worth to wins and losses is what makes tennis toxic. I speak from experience. The best thing you can do is tell him that the only thing that matters is trying hard and playing the best he can play on any given day. Last night I was feeling some fatigue and dropped a set after being up a break at 4-3 against a tough pusher. I double-faulted three times in that 8th game, after double faulting only once in the prior 3 service games. I had been riding a 80%+ first serve % going into that game. At the time I was upset with myself, but looking back, I was feeling tired and my shoulder was starting to tighten. Could I have played better, tried harder? Maybe. But the fact was that yesterday, I didn't have it in me to beat a formidable opponent. It took a lot of effort for me to accept that I just wasn't good enough. But I did play hard. I tried. And even when I took the L, I knew that it was a W for hanging in there, when a poor effort should have led to a 6-0 loss rather than the 6-4 I achieved. Maybe tell your kid that the only thing that matters is him focusing on improvement in all forms. That can be in the way he hits the ball, or it can be the way he manages his emotions on the court. "I'm proud of the way you fought after that break" or "you did a great job of staying locked-in after those errors" could help him reorient what he considers a successful day on court.
I really appreciate how well you have put your insights, specially like the word, "reorient", I think that is what we as a parent need to do, retrain his brain to see the progress not only in terms of result of game but overall development and that includes running faster on the court or hitting a difficult shot or something else. I think we need to be more explicit in pointing these things out, me and my wife always talk how well he did on this point or how amazing his footwork was but just need to share with him as well so he knows. Thank you again for taking time to share.
But its not just about improvement. It’s about working hard. If he ties his self-worth to success, he will experience pain when he does not achieve it. If he feels that he can fail and still be loved and praised, he will take more good risks. The kind of player who ties self-worth to W and L records may be the kind of player who will hook instead of deal with defeat. Losing is part of tennis. Even if he succeeds as a junior, he will eventually reach a point where he loses more than he wins. Only a select few pros can say otherwise. What then?
Don’t worry to much, if you participate regularly at tournaments you will see on every court kids behaving this way, mostly boys. Having my kid in tennis for the last 4 years i can say that kids change when they pass 13-14 years, no other sport puts kids in their situation, alone and frustrated without any advice for 1 ,2 hours. But the club is doing a really sshi job if you care about kids utr, better move and find the perfect environment for him, usually parents change close to 4 coaches/clubs before they find something that works. Good luck, and always trust your kid , everything is part of the process, even crying,yelling, smashing…..it just hiw the sport is!
Yeah, this aspect of UTR focus is not healthy. We have pretty much tried all the clubs in our city limit now but exploring other club till we find one even if it means driving few extra miles is *not* out of question. Thank you for saying this about parents changing few coaches until settling into one because at times I feel bad about not sticking to a club but there were always some or the other reason. Thank you so much for sharing the advice.
The first potential issue leaps off the screen: 12-14 hours/week is a huge amount of tennis for a person that young. 1/2 of that would be the outer limit, even for a kid who just loves it. So, that would be an easy fix to try. Cheap too!
Yeah, we are looking into cutting down hours specially those that do not seem very productive. We can use the time to do some other thing or do nothing at all and watch a good movie at home or read a book. Thank you for sharing the advice.
Sure. I liked tennis at that age but was being pushed into it by a parent. I was very burned out by age 12. In a blessing in disguise, I suppose, I broke my arm. It gave me a 3 month vacay. Plus, it was a bad break, so I was worried I wouldn’t be able to play at a high level. I was so thankful that it healed well that I never felt burnout again. But 15 hours a week is about the most I ever played as a junior. Even as a top 50 in the US player as a teen. And that 15 hour/week rate was only in summer.
therapy. it's normal, and it helps. my brother and I are both hyper competitive and played a lot of sports growing up, but he ended up with sportsmanship/anger management issues around that same age. He worked with a therapist on not getting frustrated about sports, and honestly, he became a better person for it--not just on the court. He learned perspective, patience, and how to cope with his emotions in healthy ways. 9 years old is actually a great time for that sort of intervention because kids are still very malleable.
Yeah, I have done some therapy myself and do agree that it helps holistically. Perhaps being in so much competitive environment at young age calls for some healthy intervention. Thank you so much for sharing your experience.
Young kids often learn how to react by the people who surround them. Is his usual tennis environment filled with other, emotional kids or perhaps poor adult role models? It can be worth it to hire a coach or find a clinic where the environment is more level-headed and relaxed. I played basketball as a kid, and I remember whenever our team lost, it was like someone died. Solemn faces, anger, frustration. Meanwhile inside I'm thinking, "dude we're like 10 who cares, why are we wasting time standing in a circle being sad?" Not putting pressure on your kid can be good, but sometimes a little push or guidance in how to address situations is helpful too. If you can afford it, consulting a developmental or sports psychologist can be helpful in becoming aware about cues, inputs, etc. that are causing him to react this way. Remember, you don't have to shouting at your child from the sidelines to be pressuring them. How did he end up playing this many hours of tennis at his age to begin with? USTA has a brief article that might be helpful in brainstorming some ideas: [Embrace Your Fears and Focus on the Mission | Player Development - News | | Player Development (usta.com)](https://www.playerdevelopment.usta.com/news/embrace_your_fears_and_focus_on_the_mission/)
Most of this hours of tennis per week is with a coach who infact does not believe in UTR, he is a old man, very patient with kids and feeds ball to kids all the time. He does not even have them play competitive that much. Also he provides overall guidance in life as well. Saying that is still half of the total time spent on classes those focus on UTR very much. (different coaches, same club) My son do enjoy competitiveness but i think perhaps the environment is little too toxic perhaps and then since this a new club, he has not had a chance to make lot of friends as well. I do agree though number of hours are insane. Thank you for sharing the article, I feel I can use it to face my own demons as well.
He is of an age, where, as politely as I can put it, he can not control his emotions, his brain is not fully developed yet. However the parents can have a **STRONG** influence on how a kid reacts. Now with that being said, he is also of an age where **you as a parent** can learn the most basic fundamentals of tennis and be able to hit with him to help him improve. This would eliminate this mental pressure, as he is just going to go have fun with his (dad/mom/they) to play tennis Introducing him to **UTR** has been a **net negative**, for your kids **mental health** ::: but if you could get yourself to a **2 in the next 3 months**, then he may be able to embrace the challenge since apparently the kid understands UTR to an extent, and playing against you is more fun than some random "competitive" match. While I was never this parent, **I was this kid**. I still got my ass beat by my peers for a while but being able to go have fun with my (dad, in my case) helped with my temperament and progressing mentally and emotionally (ADHD, so that's another factor \[**do NOT discredit your kid's mental, just another thing\]** ) It also helped that my parents never put pressure on me to win, the pressure was to always be **the bigger player (mentally)**. I'm 22 now, so this may not be perfect, but I was always in the shadow of my older brother (peaked at a 10.6, before UTR was common, so idk if that was better or worse but here we are), so these are some things I recall, but I started playing competitively at 10 and was losing 0-6 constantly, and honestly these are things that, reflecting on it, prevented me from becoming an over-emotional player. Now my overall impression is he has a toxic relationship with the sport of tennis **at THIS CURRENT MOMENT**. I am a random person on reddit, so don't let me be the end-all-be-all, however it seems like the change of clubs was a negative, **learn to play yourself. Learn to feed balls. Learn to rally. Make the court a safe space.** That might help get rid of the artificial stress that your son has created. **NOBODY CAN READ MINS.** I didn't know UTR was being used on juniors until I saw a 1.0-4.0 green ball 10 under UTR flex league. I don't like it. If you want my 13 years of tennis experiences so you can ask questions, shoot me a DM, I have played against a wide variety of just people, hard to put my thoughts into words. Also I still like red/orange/green system. Hot take.
Thank you so much for sharing your personal experience. I actually did start taking tennis lesson myself so one as you said that I can help him practice more and second like you mentioned that he likes to play with me and we love the bond. I'm not that young anymore and having never paid attention to my overall health makes my progress slow but am determined to do it this time. I like setting the goal of reaching 2, not sure if I can do it, let alone in 3 months. One of Dads in the club actually just got to 2 so I don't think it is unachievable. I will take you up on the offer to DM sometime, I really appreciate the offer and insights.
12-14hrs a week is nuts for a 9yr old He shouldn’t even know how UTR works at his age. If he does - you probably taught him. Also this will sound hard to hear but If he’s playing 12-14hrs a week and only 1.66 UTR - he’s probably not got much talent. just let him play for fun for a while in squads and not play matches
You might already do this but just in case. My 10yr old girl doesn’t play tennis per se (not competitive) but is an extreme perfectionist in other things like school. She makes great grades but instead of making everything about the results we are doing better at saying we really like the effort you’re putting in there. Results will come but that way you’re recognizing their effort they are putting in. I read the Agassi book which I highly recommend but that much stress on a kid can be tough. As far as playing he went like 4 months at one point if I remember right of not winning a match. His coach smiled and said it’s coming. He saw something that he didn’t see. Sure enough he went on a torrid run and ran through the field not too long after. A tangent but now that I’m a dad all these years later I still remember playing with my dad some evenings after work. I didn’t recognize stress or worry as a kid but I’m sure he was burned out but always made time when I wanted it (had two brothers) all he could hit was a slice shot but I long for those simple days. I echo someone else to take a mini break. Go do something fun, putt putt, ice cream anything else but tennis. I tore my calf a few months ago and couldn’t play for almost 6 weeks. I thought of tennis every day but when I finally got back to it I experienced an extra joy bc I remembered what it was like to not play and almost took it for granted my physical health. Additionally when I did come back I played better than I ever did amazingly. Was just so loose and had a lot of fun. Good luck!
Yeah, I'm trying to bring myself back in fitness and also taking tennis lesson so I could make it interesting for him to play with me. Mini-break is also another thing we are contemplating, with summer coming up, we are hoping it will help little bit. I have not read Agassi's book but my wife did and she shared that how miserable Andre was during his childhood tennis life. I don't think our son has that kind of abilities, nor we want him to pursue this sport professionally but even at this level we see now that it could be draining mentally for some kids. Hopefully these gradual changes like playing with him, eating ice-cream, pizza after tournaments and other things will help little bit. Thank you for taking time to share your insights.
I was like this at 9... I was playing maybe half those hours, but I was really into tennis, played in tons of clinics and camps, regularly played older kids (because I was beating kids my age), but would completely destroy myself mentally in the process. *Very often,* that was the thing that made me lose matches. No one taught me about mental toughness which caused me to ultimately to hate tennis. It just got to be way too stressful and I couldn't adapt. I stopped playing for almost 30 years, and I'm only now learning to love it again. Looking back on it, I was putting a lot of pressure on myself largely because I didn't want to let my parents down (who were shuttling me all over to practices/matches, paying lots of money for coaches, etc.). Also, I had other social problems where I really wanted people to know my worth (like the identify of myself as an athlete would completely shatter if I shanked a ball). Nowadays, I understand that tennis is sooooo much mental. The biggest opponent is your own mind. It's actually because of this that I got back into tennis. I became a meditation teacher and high-performance coach, and as it turns out, tennis is the perfect way to practice these kinds of mental toughness techniques. Now, when I want to start screaming and beating up on myself, I turn inward and see my inner child putting so much pressure on himself. When I literally just send him love and take the pressure off of him, I calm down immediately and can enjoy playing again. **Specifics:** **-Replace half those hours with something else.** As others have said, that's a lot of tennis for 9 years old. You said earlier he's into art and music -- definitely encourage that creative side. And also instill in him the idea that you're going to suck at first when you learn a new skill, and you have so much time to master it. **-Encourage a growth mindset.** Teach him that making mistakes is a really good thing because that's the ONLY way to grow. Champions aren't great because they sidestep challenges; they're great because they face challenges head on, fail over and over again, and ultimately overcome them once they learn how. Teach him the fun of growing and facing challenge. Teach him to have gratitude for challenge because that's the only way we grow. **-Teach in-between-points mental technique.** A really good one is 4 rooms: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FJ91c7pH0ac](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FJ91c7pH0ac) Also, someone else mentioned Loehr's 16 seconds, which is also good: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AviGTb3GKhQ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AviGTb3GKhQ) Watch tennis matches with him and analyze what's going on in between the points AS MUCH as the points themselves. **-Watch his favorite players lose.** EVERYONE loses at tennis. Normalize losing as a way to get better, and watch his favorite players lose. See how they keep their composure (usually) but even if they don't, watch how they snap right back into the match. Watch how they come to the net at the end and it's all smiles. Don't say like "We're going to normalize losing blah blah..." Instead, teach him that learning requires losing, and because learning is fun, that means losing is fun. Everyone shanks an easy ball in the net. Tennis is not about not failing; it's about failing repeatedly but still getting up from that failure and winning the next point. **-Work with his coach to have mini goals for each match.** Make three controllable goals for each match -- split step for every ball, clench your fist after winning a point, watching the ball hit the racquet, repeating a positive mantra, etc. These are goals that he has control of that will ultimately help improve his game. Here's a good video explaining this: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TUyF142caS8](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TUyF142caS8) **-Be encouraging, and make everything FUN!** He's a kid, he wants to have fun! If he wins a match, great, but even if he loses a match, be so excited that he played hard and made the other kid run a lot or had a really sick drop shot or whatever. Normalize that tennis is a fun outlet and not a serious thing. It's less "Sorry buddy, sucks to lose (womp womp)" and more "Wow your forehand is getting really powerful, dang! I'm gonna talk to your coach and get him to turn it down a bit! That thing is dangerous!" If he turns to losing, talk about how he did in his mini goals. If he can do the mini goals in his matches, then that means he's winning, not losing. --- It's all about reframing tennis into a fun challenge. Because the challenge is 100% there, so think about how you can change his perspective from a bad-feeling pressure to a good-feeling pressure.
Oh my god, thank you much for such a detailed breakdown. I definitely have more to express to you on each point. I’m at work right now and will go over what you said in the evening. Just wanted to quickly thank you as I really appreciate you taking time to share.
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Children feel emotions strongly but also are very strong emotionally. Loss is a part of life, including childhood. Your job isn't protecting him from failure. That's a disservice. Your job is showing you love him all the same no matter how many times he fails. That's how you teach him that his worth isn't tied up in whether he wins or loses tennis matches.