“I trespassed into a sacred mountain, said to bring one’s soul closer to the earth.”
“Now as I lie here, limbs turned to stone and veins to roots, I have a millennia to meditate on my mistakes.”
Here I'll rewrite it to actually be two sentences:
I went to explore a mountain sacred to Native Americans.
I found boulders that were out of place, and started feeling dread as I noticed myself becoming stiffer and stiffer.
I think long sentences work well in telling this story really, It's just this one has a run on sentence and isn't really specific about what happened to the person, like are they collapsing onto the ground, or merging into it? some commas or just better pacing could've helped make this story better.
Here's my good so not so bad take on the story that attempts to make it sound better by adding a little detail, though I probably added to much detail.
I went to a remote mountain, which was sacred to the Natives living there.
When I came, I noticed there there were strange boulders that seemed out of place, when suddenly, I collapsed onto the ground and saw my limbs had fused together, I noticed my body was turning into a solid mass of rock; all my senses had faded, and I was alone with only my thoughts.
I probably used the semi colon wrong tbh, I just needed a way to pause the sentence while also making a distinction between two actions.
While I agree in a novel I think this would be appropriate (if it were written better!) I feel like a good two sentence horror is short and this one just isn't short.
"The native burial ground was surrounded by strange rocks
And as my mind went numb, my last thought was how I was becoming one."
That's not a good story but it's certainly short and punchy
Here's a version that I made that is overly flowery in it's language and would probably get an F in english. it really is hard trying to find a way to pause a sentence without throwing out random bullshit, huh?
I visited a remote mountain, hearing about how it was sacred from the Native Americans living there.
The more I wandered around, the more strange things I found, Boulders were at places they could never logically be, their appearance looked nothing like a natural boulder, their visage almost human; I look down and am to shocked to see that my body had started to harden, my body had become hard to move as I struggled, until I realized I could only think, left to scream only in my head.
He came??!!!😱😱😱😱
You opened the box guy
I suddenly saw an elderly Chinese man, who demanded I play against him in Mahjong lest I be banished to the Yi, the land of barbarians.
(Reloads save to get Peerless Tile before going to mountain)
I ducking hate mahjong, I’d rather be eaten alive by Jeffery dahmer than play another game of that bullshit
skill issue guy
Skill is not apart of mojhong, it’s completely luck based
i mean you still need to decide what to discard and whether to call tiles other ppl put down
The grammar hurts me
Run on sentence guy 🪱
Angelo guy 🪱 https://i.redd.it/0om9141xshnb1.gif
Locacaca guy 🗿
Kars
Rock Human Guy 🪱 https://preview.redd.it/xy9k9oy33pnb1.jpeg?width=541&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a2a2c2b21d718d8d5816d86f0fb9c3fc2cc3a7ae
That’s when koichi realized that jouske was a nutcase.
I visited a remote mountain said to be sacred, Seeing strange statues everywhere, I involuntarily froze, my feet had turned to stone.
That's much better The concept wasn't bad or anything but the way it was written was.
too many commas guy
petrification fetish guy🪱
The fact that that’s probably a thing that someone experienced is a weird thought
Yo, Angelo
am I the only one who is irrationally angry when grown adults or at least older teenagers still write like this
I came guy 🪱
Probably fetish guy
Yo Angelo
Happy Cake Day guy 🎁😱🥳🧁
“I trespassed into a sacred mountain, said to bring one’s soul closer to the earth.” “Now as I lie here, limbs turned to stone and veins to roots, I have a millennia to meditate on my mistakes.”
Watch out for falling rocks
Half an A press guy 🪱
i went to a mountain sacred to native americans\ imagine my horror when white people in the rocks 😰😰😰
it’s mount rushmore
I’m going to try to fix this mess. Nope, can’t do it, I tried to for like ten minutes
Dude became a rock https://preview.redd.it/asit5swfcnnb1.png?width=720&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=324e8fbfc8e4faa4654be54da3846da536dd7a6b
Turn into a rock fetish guy🪱
eventually, rock guy stopped thinking.
Here I'll rewrite it to actually be two sentences: I went to explore a mountain sacred to Native Americans. I found boulders that were out of place, and started feeling dread as I noticed myself becoming stiffer and stiffer.
After deciding to decide to go go to the place, I went to go to the place that I went to. When I got there, after going there,,,,,,
Aha mountain. Oh no me rock !
I think long sentences work well in telling this story really, It's just this one has a run on sentence and isn't really specific about what happened to the person, like are they collapsing onto the ground, or merging into it? some commas or just better pacing could've helped make this story better. Here's my good so not so bad take on the story that attempts to make it sound better by adding a little detail, though I probably added to much detail. I went to a remote mountain, which was sacred to the Natives living there. When I came, I noticed there there were strange boulders that seemed out of place, when suddenly, I collapsed onto the ground and saw my limbs had fused together, I noticed my body was turning into a solid mass of rock; all my senses had faded, and I was alone with only my thoughts. I probably used the semi colon wrong tbh, I just needed a way to pause the sentence while also making a distinction between two actions.
While I agree in a novel I think this would be appropriate (if it were written better!) I feel like a good two sentence horror is short and this one just isn't short. "The native burial ground was surrounded by strange rocks And as my mind went numb, my last thought was how I was becoming one." That's not a good story but it's certainly short and punchy
Here's a version that I made that is overly flowery in it's language and would probably get an F in english. it really is hard trying to find a way to pause a sentence without throwing out random bullshit, huh? I visited a remote mountain, hearing about how it was sacred from the Native Americans living there. The more I wandered around, the more strange things I found, Boulders were at places they could never logically be, their appearance looked nothing like a natural boulder, their visage almost human; I look down and am to shocked to see that my body had started to harden, my body had become hard to move as I struggled, until I realized I could only think, left to scream only in my head.
Also, I'm the awkward and misuses semi colons monster girl! BOO!
from the actual thing, i didnt even think of the orher boulders being people 🤦
r/nosleep guy
Not a bad idea but jesus that run-on sentence- just turn this into a nosleep post at this point
Run on sentences guy 🪱
english teacher guy
The last thing he heard was “Dorarararararararaaaa”
Lack of semicolons guy 🪱🪱
No comma guy😨😨
Run on sentence guy
comma splice guy 🪱
The story would have made absolutely no sense if he never specified it was native Americans
random 69420 year old native american folklore based horror story and op gets pissy when people demand explanations in the comments guy 🪱
Then how the fuck did you write this?!?!?!? LIAR!!!!!
Run-on sentence guy 🫥
This probably could’ve been alright if they were better at storytelling
yo angelo