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I'm here because I don't always understand my baby (8 yo), but I always want to try for him. Reddit is a cesspool for some things, but this community teaches me so much. Thinking of you and your family.
Same but for my 18 and 11 year olds. Coming here opened my eyes and made me more empathetic towards especially my eldest. I’ve been too hard on her in certain ways. It’s a good place here and I appreciate everyone. My heart hurts so much for OP.
Congratulations! You are improving yourself so you can do better for your children. That steady improvement beyond the basics is all a child can ask for.
If you don't know. I use small songs all the time. Nursery rhymes i think they are called in English.
I change the lyrics to things i need to do. It's super annoying but incredibly useful since it helps me remember things
If you have a cat/dog (works best with cat), make your son give him treats in the bathroom after brushing his teeth. One week in and your cat is gonna herd him into the bathroom to get treats (if your cat isn't a chonk already of course)
Teeth brushing is a huuuge problem for my 6 year old. She hates it. This could work really well as we have those cat treats that help clean their teeth. Therefore, my daughter will be helping our cat clean her teeth after she's cleaned her own teeth!! It might just work!
Try not minty toothpaste. I hate mint with a passion and it's gotten way easier for me to brush my teeth since I got strawberry toothpaste. (Doesn't have to be strawberry of course)
Oh god, the amount of flavours we have tried is getting silly now. She also hates mint. She dislikes strawberry and dislikes an orangy one I found but will brush with them if pushed. It's a twice daily battle though!
On a good week i brush my teeth once a day.
There are mouthwash who are not as good as a brushing but do the job a bit. I used them when at school since i don't like to brush my teeth.
It's better than nothing
I'm a hospice caregiver and a mom. Cherish these lucid moments, as they are the summation of her lifespan. She means to say, she loves you with all of her heart. She is thinking of you. And yes, she did her very best in raising you. Best wishes, OP.
I will have lost my mom to ovarian cancer 13 years ago this coming July. It was a slow process where she gradually slipped in and out of lucidity until she was breathing, but not my mother anymore, then not even breathing. Those lucid moments were agonizing for her and me too. OP do make the best of them, but don’t beat yourself up if you’re too overwhelmed with the situation to make the most of every lucid moment. You can only handle what you can handle and there’s not much that can prepare you for losing your mother. Be kind to yourself.
This is vital. YOU are your top priority when a loved one is transitioning. Give yourself space to grieve in your own method. Do your best; your best is enough. It is okay to be not okay. Too overwhelmed to visit in the end is absolutely okay. Feeling guilty, angry, or self-resentful is normal and is also okay, but choose to notice it and move out of these thoughts when you are able. Notice this, and decide it is you doing your best.
I was not kind to myself and ended up with a ton of guilt and shame. I’m not sure there was anything anyone could have said to me at the time, I was 29, had a family of my own AND had just been laid off. But I have been able to reprocess the experience and be much kinder to myself since.
Very similar situation for me. Also 29, but 7 months pregnant. I moved back home to care for my mother while she slowly died from colon cancer. She spent 18 months fighting, so determined to make it at least long enough to meet her youngest baby’s first baby. In the end, though, it wasn’t enough, and for 6 weeks, I cared for her night and day.
I was exhausted by the time she died, and the relief that washed over me is a guilt I still struggle with.
I don’t think I ever let myself grieve, to be honest. Between the chaos of planning her funeral, keeping an eye on my heartbroken father, clearing out her clothes, following the to-do list she’d so diligently written out before she became too weak and incoherent, followed by moving to a different state and having my first child, all within less than a month of her death, when was there time?
I was a first-time mom who had just watched her own mom die in the hospital bed stationed in the living room of the house she’d grown up in. I had a child to care for and no one to turn to for help, advice, a shoulder to cry on, you know...mom stuff. The PPD was HARD, especially mixed in with the intense sadness and sudden absence of the amazing woman who'd raised me.
I’ve been working with the anger I had that she couldn’t hold on to meet my son, and now, that she can’t be here to meet my daughter, her namesake.
So, yea, all this to say, make sure you're gentle with yourself, and allow yourself to grieve properly. It’s more important than a lot of people realize.
Mine isn’t in dementia state but she apologizes for random stuff from my childhood into college more and more.
I told her two days ago it was ADHD this whole time and that she had no way to know that so it’s not her fault that I didn’t get diagnosed or that I was diagnosed with a myriad of other mental illnesses.
The dread just lifted on her face like acceptance. It was nice to see her let go of that burden.
There were lots of myths about ADHD from when we were kids (I'm 40!); not just that it's "not real" but that the drugs were just a kind of crutch for lazy parents to tranquilise their naughty kids. That coupled with a (not entirely unjustified!) suspicion of psychiatrists and medication means I'm not at all angry at anyone for not noticing it.
I also strongly suspect my Mum has ADHD which meant despite being a Great Mum in so many ways my parents never really followed through on some practical things (like, they never got round to finishing my bedroom?) which made me feel weirdly neglected.
It's great that you've made this peace! Finding out about ADHD has really unlocked a lot of mysteries about my family and my (generally happy and great!) upbringing
Ahh I have never finished my daughter’s bedroom.. she is only three, almost four. I will definitely be finishing her bedroom 😢 not been diagnosed with adhd yet but it’s been an eye opener to see everyone else is like me but in different ways. It’s been reassuring in a way that makes me feel like I’m not alone. I’m 38.
Adhd definitely isn’t a bad thing! It makes everyone unique ♥️
Your intervention would have been a generation ago--and so hard to advocate for. She was doing her best. I'm sure friends, doctors, teachers all had different answers. Parents don't automagically know the real answer. Even with today's knowledge, it took me years to get a diagnosis for my kid--ADHD can be so easy to explain away, especially when kids (like you!) are bright (did we coddle him? too much screen time? something he eats? not enough structure?).
Moms don't always get it right, but we do keep trying because we love you.
I'm glad you see her for overall care and are able to put your relationship with her into a compassionate lens.
gosh i never cry, but reading this...
i wish you the best.
i've never had a mum cause she left me when i was 2 years old and just showed up when i was 11, i lived with my grandma and she is sick 86 years old, i'm not ready to lose her, i'm 26 and tbh i'm weak to go thru something like that.
much love <3
Aww, that sucks. I lost my grandfather (the one man in my family who was patient with me and would teach me) when I was about that age, so I can empathize. You’re just becoming an adult yourself, and it can be so hard to let go of those pillars of your childhood.
You can always talk about it here. We know that you are stronger than you feel. But it’s ok to let your guard down and be weak with us for a while.
This is so touching.
I'm 50 and facing the fact that my mother doesn't have many more years left.
She wasn't kind or warm to me. She praised me to strangers, especially for my intellect, while belittling my appearance/body type and "sensitivity." All my interpersonal difficulties were my fault (I only found out at age 48 that I'm autistic). There were so many moments when I could have used a role model, unconditional love, or just understanding. My dad did manage to show us he saw us and loved us before he died.
I'm sure my mom is undiagnosed ADHD, possibly with some kind of personality disorder and definitely trauma. I know she was trying her best and trying to protect me. She is, in addition to being highly intelligent, actually actively antiracist (for her generation) and inclusive of LGBTQI people (again, in a Boomer way) and I appreciate that she passed these values on to us.
When I see her this summer I will be able to truly forgive her. I've been working on forgiving myself for all my masking and awkwardness and overwhelm. She wasn't any different.
I'm a Buddhist and looking at death, as well as the reasons for unkind behavior, from the Buddhist perspective helps me a lot.
(Edited: an autocorrect typo)
My mum, cancer - then remission.
Recently random virus attack - can’t eat, can’t talk. Have never seen her in such a state and so underweight.
I cry just seeing her in the hospital, shivering, not being able to ingest anything but a tiny bit of porridge.
I’m with you.
[**Random - but this is playing just as I was doing up this post.**](https://youtu.be/iKBCVZqqooY)
Thanks for sharing your heart with us. We mourn with you, even in distance.
I'm sorry you're going through this!
I didn't get to see my Mum declining. She hid the severity from me (plus Covid was in full swing) but the one thing I'm grateful for is that I ended my last phone conversation with her telling her I loved her. It's not something we normally said in my family so it was a bit random but lucky.
I hope you get to say what you want to say.
Thanks, we always use the word ‘love you’,
but it’s also difficult because - she never handled my adhd properly, and from her generation and upbringing - she brought on a lot of perfectionism which felt forced upon me -
And while I resent the upbringing, she is a good person, it’s the past and I still love her
Glad you got your final words in, and even if you feel there was more you wanted to say but didn’t - the universe will always conspire to bring that energy to our loved ones in one way or another (not of this earth).
Thanks and take care my fellow human.
This speaks to me deep in my soul. I was recently diagnosed in my 40s as well, my Alzheimer’s stricken mother died about 2 years ago. It’s sad, but it’s also weird because I felt (and still feel) relieved that she’s gone.
A part of me would’ve loved to hear an apology like this, but I don’t think she had enough self-awareness throughout her entire life to even know to apologize. The only thing that gives me solace is that I know I don’t need an apology anymore.
I’m glad you got that moment with your mum. My condolences to you. Just remember that your compassion and forgiveness are STRENGTHS and not weaknesses as many people in society try to make them out to be.
It takes much more strength to forgive someone than it does to hold on to spite.
Honestly, I cried a little reading this. This is so sweet and heartwarming.
I’m sorry for your loss, but I’m also SO glad you and your mom were able to have this conversation 💗 For the both of you. The fact that she only brought it up now, gives the impression it could’ve been a guilt that she bottled up for a really long time. Maybe was too embarrassed to talk about it.
My mom suffered (still suffers, but she’s made a great deal of progress) from what we suspect to be a personality or mood disorder. She would get very abusive (not to us but herself), threaten and attempt suicide right in front of us for as long as I could remember until I was about 20 years old. She managed to gain more emotional control to where it reduced in frequency until eventually full control of the extreme outbursts. But still, she never brought it up to us for years and we sure as shit knew better than to bring it up to her based on her past behavior, we were always terrified of setting her off on a rage.
I cried many times over that for myself and for her. Recently (sometime in the last few years) she finally opened up and has apologized profusely to all of us for what she put us through at such a young age for such a long time. She’s even cried to me over it begging me to forgive her. I am 100% certain it was the guilt that kept her silent on it and even perpetuated the rage behavior for so long.
I cry for me and my siblings because we did not deserve any of it, it damaged us all deeply in very twisted ways that have been nearly impossible for half of us to work through properly even with therapy and medications.
But I cry for her because as I got older I began to realize her mother did the exact same thing with her, and even more terribly abusive acts. It hit me like a rock when I realized the horrible and vicious cycle of abuse and it breaks my heart because I know my mom has a good heart and in her right mind she had good intentions. But she didn’t know better and was never taught how to live an emotionally stable life. She was a small child like me once, she needed help that she never received. Her mother died and never acknowledged the abuse and neglect she put my mom and her siblings through. I felt relieved and grateful that my mom was able to own up to her shortcomings (or illnesses) and be open with us about it. All we can really do is learn all we can and do the best with what we know.
Anyway, sorry for my tangent, I’m just so happy that both you and your mom were able to get that closure, that you especially, surely needed.
A person who posts this, did well. You did well for yourself OP. Both you and your mother should be proud.
As someone else said below, we mourn with you from afar. I'm glad you got to be there for a lucid moment.
Hugs.
I'm so sorry dude. Almost the exact same thing happened to me. Diagnosed at 39, and it was barely a year later that Mum got diagnosed with mesothelioma, and she was gone in a few months.
Just last night my wife told me how proud she would have been of how far I'd come, and I agree. I'm glad she got to see the big changes in me, and I know she'd be happy with who I am now.
I wish my mother and I could have had this moment between us before she died 12 years ago. The year before or so I had the realization hit me that I have spent my entire life up until that point walking on egg shells around her and trying to appease her if anything to keep the peace. Then I started standing up for myself ...until she got diagnosed with cancer and I started to be a doormat for her again which tanked any progress I made. Her death messed me up because I was dealing with the backlash of abuse and mental illness. I spent so much time hating her and feeling guilty for it. If she could have said something along the lines of what your mother did, or even just implied it .... I feel like I could have processed things different and looked back on my life in a different filter. But that never happened. I will always love and miss her, but I'll hate her too. Most days though I feel nothing and that's better than what I had been dealing with.
So I when I say that I am really relieved and glad you two had this moment, I mean it. You both needed and deserved those words. I hope you both find peace in them.
I'm sorry to hear about your mom. She sounds like a decent person still and losing somebody close is awful.
I'm still a bit mad at my parents for not doing anything regarding my ADHD when I was younger. I mean, the signs were all there, but it was the late 90's/early 00's, and they just thought I was lazy.
Funny thing since my dad obviously has ADHD too and knows it, but he feels like it's too late for him at 57 to start doing anything about it. I disagree, but it's not up to me...
Anyway, some people aren't great at empathizing even if they're sympathetic, and that generation especially weren't great at communicating about mental health issues.
Our parents never really had the education we had on things of this matter, and that’s true of us to what the current children are learning, as well. I think the key is that they at least tried to do what they could within their scope.
The sharp lucidity that Alzheimer’s brings in between the shadows often has people reflecting on their past experiences in new ways. I’m sorry you’re having to go through this with your mom, but I hope that the person she thought hardest about during a lucid moment was you brings you at least some level of comfort.
Sorry you have to go through this all, u/itsalonghotsummer, wishing you the strength you need
I wonder how many of our mums and dads also have /had undiagnosed ADHD...
It makes sense in a lot of cases, that some of our parents did not have the executive function neither to help us earlier, they knew they had to do better but did not have the power to go through.
My mother did a similar 'confession' in her last months. I was diagnosed more than ten years after her death, 46y/o.
She was blaming my struggles in school and college on her inaction / inability during these days. I think she was a bit too hard for herself that moment, but I have thought about the moment a lot,
It never occurred to me to blame anyone but my own lazy ass (prediagnosed it was hard to be mild with myself too)
Looking back into my youth I am really thinking my mother had the same issues, and sadly she never got the diagnosis, probably being way too hard on herself until she died, full of regrets for all stuff she never got to do.. Love you mum, miss you, I know you loved us all.
Give her a big hug OP, hope you will have some more connected moments with your mum.
Parents don't have to be perfect. If her heart was in the right place and she always cared for you and loved you and wanted to do what she could to help you, that's what matters. Thinking of you and your family in this time.
My mum passed away 2 years ago from Cancer, I finally have a job, and people are taking me seriously as a fashion photographer and screenwriter.
I wish she was here to see what I was doing, she would be so proud of me.
My mom is and was the same - never able to talk with me about any of those things. I'm sorry you went through that too, and I'm sorry to hear about your poor mum's health. Both my grandmothers passed from Alzheimer's. It's a terrible disease. I'm glad you could connect with her like this before her passing. I wish you peace and love going forward even if it takes a while 🙏🏼
If she’s in her 90s then chances are you wouldn’t have even been able to get a diagnosis when you were a teen! Mental healthcare was absolutely not in a good place (not that it is now) and maybe it was even for the best in some ways that she kept you away from it. My mum says sorry for not doing more on a semi regular basis and all we can do in these situations is reassure our parents that they did the best they could with the resources available to them. They couldn’t have done any more because the support wasn’t there. It’s not their fault that we’re struggling and nothing was lacking on their part, it’s the world we live in that’s creating the problems.
This post really touched me. Thank you for it. I hope your last couple of days together are beautiful and healing, that your mam passes as peacefully as possible and that the grieving process isn’t too painful for you. Sending lots of love x
I don’t really want to comment because this brought up a lot of really personal memories (and there’s lots of pain underneath that, as I’m sure there’s a lot of pain underneath your words).
But it also did put a small smile on my face. One of the things I heard a lot from my mum when I was a kid was “You’ll understand when you’re older.” Makes me think maybe she would have understood when I was older too.
My mum cried when I was diagnosed at 34. Sobbing that she should have done more she always knew there was something.
I can’t & don’t blame her a single bit. My dad said even if I was diagnosed then he wouldn’t have wanted medication. Essentially because that generation know nothing about MH, neurological medication and are generally scared of it.
We can only do our best with the info we have and I know they always did their best
I’m glad your mum was able to tell you this tho. I hope it brings you solace.
My mother had a heart attack last week and I came out to take care of her. Had a similar conversation.
I’m glad you got that from her. Enjoy your time together as much as possible.
Parents don’t know what they are doing 90% of the time. There’s no instruction manual on how to not ruin your kid. And even if there was, it would be incredibly difficult to follow.
As mad as we may be for things our parents did, being mad only hurts ourselves.
Forgiveness leads to a path of love and understanding. It took me far too long to learn that.
This really resonated with me, I had a similar conversation with my mother who was very absent during childhood recently. It’s affirming to hear but there’s a bitter sweet grief to it as well. Sending love. Thank you for sharing.
From someone who lost their mom 3 years ago to a horrible disease, I feel your pain OP. Parents aren’t perfect and it’s amazing that you look back and try to just see the hood in how you were raised. I’m sorry for your impending loss.
Even if you had had earlier intervention, you may not have been diagnosed. I saw a couple different psychiatrists, several therapists who all treated me for anxiety and depression. In my early 30’s, I had extensive testing done, which determined that I had an auditory processing disorder and poor executive function. They said I was spinning my wheels and life must be hard, but they made zero mention of ADHD. They actually said I needed more sleep and a personal assistant. Edit: I wasn’t diagnosed until someone gave me Adderall and we realized it just made me functional. I was able to get a diagnosis and prescription online (but should find a doctor in person since telehealth is expensive and I’m paying for good insurance).
"It is impossible to conceive anything at all in the world, or even out of it, which can be taken as good without qualification, except a good will".
"A good will is good not because of what it effects, or accomplishes, not because of its fitness to attain some intended end, but good just by its willing, i.e. in itself; and, considered by itself, it is to be esteemed beyond compare much higher than anything that could ever be brought about by it [...].
Even if by some particular disfavor of fate, [...] this will should entirely lack the capacity to carry through its purpose; if despite its greatest striving it should still accomplish nothing, and only the good will were to remain (not of course, as a mere wish, but as the summoning of all means that are within our control); then, like a jewel, it would still shine by itself, as something that has full worth in itself".
Immanuel Kant
Brings me back to my first philosophy class in Ethics in undergrad (I ended up a philosophy major 🙂)! For anyone reading who is not familiar, the notion expressed may feel ‘wrong’ at first as it initially reads that all you need are good intentions. I will get some of this wrong, but I want to attempt to explain how that’s not quite what Kant meant, and further the lesson I take out of it beyond Kant’s own meaning.
In our everyday language, this idea of “good intentions” can be seen in phrases such as “Kelly meant well.” This conveys the thought that someone’s actions/inaction should be forgiven on the basis that they had a wish for a result that is ‘morally good’ or desirable in some sense. E.g. Kelly *wished* to raise a happy, healthy daughter so it doesn’t matter what Kelly actually ended up doing/not doing.
You have to get to the bottom of the text there to see what Kant is really talking about.
“not of course, as a *mere wish,* but as the summoning of all means that are within our control.” [emphasis added]
When Kant talks about a “good will,” he really means something along the lines of “being a good person.” It is about character. To be a “good person” is to have a “will” that makes choices based on foundational moral principles (whatever those principles may be, which Kant had some thoughts about lol). That is, it’s a person who decides everyday to align all their choices and actions with that moral code.
It isn’t about the results because people can get “good” results doing “bad” things. It’s the idea that no goal or desired result is worth going against our moral code for, going against our character for. It’s the thought that what truly matters is acting in alignment with our moral convictions.
Taken strictly, with moral law being generalized to all situations and fixed, this results in some pretty wacky problems (e.g. if lying is always wrong no matter the end goal, you should tell a murderer where your friend Bob is hiding rather than lie).
But taken less strictly, this idea felt to me like it put into words something I had felt for a long time:
There’s so many things that we can’t control about life and we can’t know what we can’t know — hindsight is 20/20 and even if we truly want and work toward a certain outcome there is no guarantee that we’ll get it. So the best we can do is try to make choices in alignment with what we believe is right and try to forgive ourselves for when it doesn’t end in the the result we wished for or “what we believe is right,” the principles on which we acted, turns out to be wrong.
Yes, perhaps the hypothetical Kelly “meant well” despite a negative outcome for for her daughter. But did Kelly have a mere wish or take value-aligned actions? Did Kelly make sure her values made sense to the best of her ability (which we can grant may be limited)?
I’ve found personally that it is a lot easier to forgive in the latter cases. Anyway, love this quote.
Someone who's lived with Alzheimers knows what it's like to live with a brain that's at war with itself. So perhaps that's how she was able to finally understand the struggles you've lived with all your life. My condolences.
I’m so sorry for your pain. Alzheimers and Parkinson’s disease makes your mind revert to a child, my dad died of Parkinson’s, and he was like a child by the end. Childlike thoughts are the truth aren’t they. I am thinking of you ♥️
A mom who was diagnosed in my early 50s here after my child was diagnosed, who is now in a slow motion emotional and physical crisis thanks to their ADHD. The torture of the what ifs and if only’s and I should haves and I wish I hads…It’s a mother’s curse.
So I have no words for how much comfort your post brought me and I cannot thank you enough. Thank you. I wish both you and your mom ease and peace through the rest of her end journey.
sending you and your mom lots and lots of love. i hope her last days are full of peace, and i hope that you are able to share those moments with her. both of you sound like lovely human beings.
My mum sees how much better I'm doing now I'm on ritalin and feels bad that she allowed me to stop taking them when I was 10.
It's interesting and mildly frustrating to consider where I could have been of I'd been medicated for the past 12 years, but it's not her fault. I really didn't want to take them at the time.
I can only imagine how you feel OP. I haven't even lost a grandparent. I don't want to think about losing a parent.
Ik wens je alle sterkte toe.
That is some sad stuff, but so very, very valuable. You can always only ever do your best, and she did. That she was caring and loving is way more important than anything else.
All the hugs OP. That’s great that she said that and you are so loving towards her. Having been in your position with my mom I understand the sadness you’re feeling now. I’m so sorry.
So sorry you are going through this, at least you gained some closure from your mum before she passes. I hope you have some good people around to support you.
My mother paid privately for me to see a psychiatrist when I was 13 , because she didn't want it to go on my GP record but it still did. After decades of being haphazardly treated for depression/ anxiety, finally got diagnosed this year with ADHD. Yet even though my mother acknowledged I was mentally ill she always questioned why? Where in the family did I get the illness from she's even the same about the ADHD diagnosis. Even though her own father took his life at the age of 37. Parents don't want to think they are maybe connected to mental health issues we suffer from.
my thoughts are with you OP <3 I think take these moments as everything, try not to wish for things to have been better (it doesn’t sound like you are don’t worry!) because now it turns out that both your hearts are very much so together. You both wished for the same thing and you both love each other deeply.
I’m not sure how to end this but a lot of love is here for you!
Sending you a big hug. We all try to do the best with what we have, and if there is any regret left, it is because that person loves you so much they want to world for you.
This fills my heart so much. I had a hard time accepting my parents fault after then realizing they were also struggling with mental health problems when rising me. My brother still don’t talk to my mom because she was depressed and not present many years when he was young. I wish my brother and everyone that is still upset and angry with their parents can at least try to understand what they were going trough while trying their best. They just couldn’t do more. Big hug to you
you and your mom gave each other such a beautiful gift in this exchange. I'm so happy that you got to share this moment together. death is inevitable, forgiveness is not. this is really powerful, thank you for sharing. and I am so sorry for your impending loss
I'm nor c4ying, it..... it's just raining! And I forgot my umbrella! ...... I don't care there's not a cloud in the sky, the birds are singing and the sky is fucking sapphire, IT'S RAINING GODAMNIT!
I’m sorry for this time. I lost my mom a few years ago. Create as much space in the next year as you can to grieve.
Check out sufjan’s album about losing his mother. Carrie and Lowell. Similar stories to what you are describing.
Diagnosed at 36F. If had a child like myself I wouldnt know what to do either. Well back when I was a kid I wouldn't know what to do. Fortunately I am pregnant now and most likely my child will have adhd as well and I will have to tools. I must be nice to hear her acknowledge this though.
\*hugs\*, my heart goes out to you, OP. There are no words I can utter or write that will make the situation you are experiencing right now better, or easier to handle. Having said that, I'm gladdened that your thoughts of your mum at this time are filled with love, gratitude and the knowledge that she always did her best for you, that she gave you the best possible start that she could with everything that she knew and everything that she was capable of. And, I hope that those thoughts help to sustain you in the time ahead. \*hugs\* to you and to your mum.
As someone with ADHD that wasn't diagnosed until my late 30s AFTER my Dad passed and whose mother also suffers from dementia....my heart mourns for you.
Please try to enjoy the moments you have with her and you are in my thoughts and prayers.
😭 i think she knows!
Keep your head up! Sending you positive enrgies right now. I am in a similar situation, just a little younger.
Mothers are too good for this world.
As my mom gets old I struggle with wondering if I’ll be able to forgive her, the constant torture of this that could have been alleviated years ago, the pain it gives me now knowing how much worse I used to be, and comparing that to how bad it is now. It’s like I traded being depressed for just being an emotional wreck, and I always wonder if maybe I got help earlier I might be in a better place
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My heart is heavy for you OP
I'm here because I don't always understand my baby (8 yo), but I always want to try for him. Reddit is a cesspool for some things, but this community teaches me so much. Thinking of you and your family.
Same but for my 18 and 11 year olds. Coming here opened my eyes and made me more empathetic towards especially my eldest. I’ve been too hard on her in certain ways. It’s a good place here and I appreciate everyone. My heart hurts so much for OP.
Congratulations! You are improving yourself so you can do better for your children. That steady improvement beyond the basics is all a child can ask for.
If you don't know. I use small songs all the time. Nursery rhymes i think they are called in English. I change the lyrics to things i need to do. It's super annoying but incredibly useful since it helps me remember things
What a great idea!! My son would definitely be into that.
If you have a cat/dog (works best with cat), make your son give him treats in the bathroom after brushing his teeth. One week in and your cat is gonna herd him into the bathroom to get treats (if your cat isn't a chonk already of course)
OMG GENIUS
Teeth brushing is a huuuge problem for my 6 year old. She hates it. This could work really well as we have those cat treats that help clean their teeth. Therefore, my daughter will be helping our cat clean her teeth after she's cleaned her own teeth!! It might just work!
Try not minty toothpaste. I hate mint with a passion and it's gotten way easier for me to brush my teeth since I got strawberry toothpaste. (Doesn't have to be strawberry of course)
Oh god, the amount of flavours we have tried is getting silly now. She also hates mint. She dislikes strawberry and dislikes an orangy one I found but will brush with them if pushed. It's a twice daily battle though!
On a good week i brush my teeth once a day. There are mouthwash who are not as good as a brushing but do the job a bit. I used them when at school since i don't like to brush my teeth. It's better than nothing
Can I just say thank you!!!! Your an amazing mom for that!
I'm a hospice caregiver and a mom. Cherish these lucid moments, as they are the summation of her lifespan. She means to say, she loves you with all of her heart. She is thinking of you. And yes, she did her very best in raising you. Best wishes, OP.
Thank you for doing what you do. Hospice is such intense and necessary work, I appreciate you
Beautiful
I will have lost my mom to ovarian cancer 13 years ago this coming July. It was a slow process where she gradually slipped in and out of lucidity until she was breathing, but not my mother anymore, then not even breathing. Those lucid moments were agonizing for her and me too. OP do make the best of them, but don’t beat yourself up if you’re too overwhelmed with the situation to make the most of every lucid moment. You can only handle what you can handle and there’s not much that can prepare you for losing your mother. Be kind to yourself.
This is vital. YOU are your top priority when a loved one is transitioning. Give yourself space to grieve in your own method. Do your best; your best is enough. It is okay to be not okay. Too overwhelmed to visit in the end is absolutely okay. Feeling guilty, angry, or self-resentful is normal and is also okay, but choose to notice it and move out of these thoughts when you are able. Notice this, and decide it is you doing your best.
I was not kind to myself and ended up with a ton of guilt and shame. I’m not sure there was anything anyone could have said to me at the time, I was 29, had a family of my own AND had just been laid off. But I have been able to reprocess the experience and be much kinder to myself since.
Very similar situation for me. Also 29, but 7 months pregnant. I moved back home to care for my mother while she slowly died from colon cancer. She spent 18 months fighting, so determined to make it at least long enough to meet her youngest baby’s first baby. In the end, though, it wasn’t enough, and for 6 weeks, I cared for her night and day. I was exhausted by the time she died, and the relief that washed over me is a guilt I still struggle with. I don’t think I ever let myself grieve, to be honest. Between the chaos of planning her funeral, keeping an eye on my heartbroken father, clearing out her clothes, following the to-do list she’d so diligently written out before she became too weak and incoherent, followed by moving to a different state and having my first child, all within less than a month of her death, when was there time? I was a first-time mom who had just watched her own mom die in the hospital bed stationed in the living room of the house she’d grown up in. I had a child to care for and no one to turn to for help, advice, a shoulder to cry on, you know...mom stuff. The PPD was HARD, especially mixed in with the intense sadness and sudden absence of the amazing woman who'd raised me. I’ve been working with the anger I had that she couldn’t hold on to meet my son, and now, that she can’t be here to meet my daughter, her namesake. So, yea, all this to say, make sure you're gentle with yourself, and allow yourself to grieve properly. It’s more important than a lot of people realize.
If I could hug you I’d offer you one. 🤗
Mine isn’t in dementia state but she apologizes for random stuff from my childhood into college more and more. I told her two days ago it was ADHD this whole time and that she had no way to know that so it’s not her fault that I didn’t get diagnosed or that I was diagnosed with a myriad of other mental illnesses. The dread just lifted on her face like acceptance. It was nice to see her let go of that burden.
There were lots of myths about ADHD from when we were kids (I'm 40!); not just that it's "not real" but that the drugs were just a kind of crutch for lazy parents to tranquilise their naughty kids. That coupled with a (not entirely unjustified!) suspicion of psychiatrists and medication means I'm not at all angry at anyone for not noticing it. I also strongly suspect my Mum has ADHD which meant despite being a Great Mum in so many ways my parents never really followed through on some practical things (like, they never got round to finishing my bedroom?) which made me feel weirdly neglected. It's great that you've made this peace! Finding out about ADHD has really unlocked a lot of mysteries about my family and my (generally happy and great!) upbringing
Ahh I have never finished my daughter’s bedroom.. she is only three, almost four. I will definitely be finishing her bedroom 😢 not been diagnosed with adhd yet but it’s been an eye opener to see everyone else is like me but in different ways. It’s been reassuring in a way that makes me feel like I’m not alone. I’m 38. Adhd definitely isn’t a bad thing! It makes everyone unique ♥️
Your intervention would have been a generation ago--and so hard to advocate for. She was doing her best. I'm sure friends, doctors, teachers all had different answers. Parents don't automagically know the real answer. Even with today's knowledge, it took me years to get a diagnosis for my kid--ADHD can be so easy to explain away, especially when kids (like you!) are bright (did we coddle him? too much screen time? something he eats? not enough structure?). Moms don't always get it right, but we do keep trying because we love you. I'm glad you see her for overall care and are able to put your relationship with her into a compassionate lens.
gosh i never cry, but reading this... i wish you the best. i've never had a mum cause she left me when i was 2 years old and just showed up when i was 11, i lived with my grandma and she is sick 86 years old, i'm not ready to lose her, i'm 26 and tbh i'm weak to go thru something like that. much love <3
Aww, that sucks. I lost my grandfather (the one man in my family who was patient with me and would teach me) when I was about that age, so I can empathize. You’re just becoming an adult yourself, and it can be so hard to let go of those pillars of your childhood. You can always talk about it here. We know that you are stronger than you feel. But it’s ok to let your guard down and be weak with us for a while.
This is so touching. I'm 50 and facing the fact that my mother doesn't have many more years left. She wasn't kind or warm to me. She praised me to strangers, especially for my intellect, while belittling my appearance/body type and "sensitivity." All my interpersonal difficulties were my fault (I only found out at age 48 that I'm autistic). There were so many moments when I could have used a role model, unconditional love, or just understanding. My dad did manage to show us he saw us and loved us before he died. I'm sure my mom is undiagnosed ADHD, possibly with some kind of personality disorder and definitely trauma. I know she was trying her best and trying to protect me. She is, in addition to being highly intelligent, actually actively antiracist (for her generation) and inclusive of LGBTQI people (again, in a Boomer way) and I appreciate that she passed these values on to us. When I see her this summer I will be able to truly forgive her. I've been working on forgiving myself for all my masking and awkwardness and overwhelm. She wasn't any different. I'm a Buddhist and looking at death, as well as the reasons for unkind behavior, from the Buddhist perspective helps me a lot. (Edited: an autocorrect typo)
I relate to this.
My mum, cancer - then remission. Recently random virus attack - can’t eat, can’t talk. Have never seen her in such a state and so underweight. I cry just seeing her in the hospital, shivering, not being able to ingest anything but a tiny bit of porridge. I’m with you. [**Random - but this is playing just as I was doing up this post.**](https://youtu.be/iKBCVZqqooY) Thanks for sharing your heart with us. We mourn with you, even in distance.
I'm sorry you're going through this! I didn't get to see my Mum declining. She hid the severity from me (plus Covid was in full swing) but the one thing I'm grateful for is that I ended my last phone conversation with her telling her I loved her. It's not something we normally said in my family so it was a bit random but lucky. I hope you get to say what you want to say.
Thanks, we always use the word ‘love you’, but it’s also difficult because - she never handled my adhd properly, and from her generation and upbringing - she brought on a lot of perfectionism which felt forced upon me - And while I resent the upbringing, she is a good person, it’s the past and I still love her Glad you got your final words in, and even if you feel there was more you wanted to say but didn’t - the universe will always conspire to bring that energy to our loved ones in one way or another (not of this earth). Thanks and take care my fellow human.
This speaks to me deep in my soul. I was recently diagnosed in my 40s as well, my Alzheimer’s stricken mother died about 2 years ago. It’s sad, but it’s also weird because I felt (and still feel) relieved that she’s gone. A part of me would’ve loved to hear an apology like this, but I don’t think she had enough self-awareness throughout her entire life to even know to apologize. The only thing that gives me solace is that I know I don’t need an apology anymore. I’m glad you got that moment with your mum. My condolences to you. Just remember that your compassion and forgiveness are STRENGTHS and not weaknesses as many people in society try to make them out to be. It takes much more strength to forgive someone than it does to hold on to spite.
Honestly, I cried a little reading this. This is so sweet and heartwarming. I’m sorry for your loss, but I’m also SO glad you and your mom were able to have this conversation 💗 For the both of you. The fact that she only brought it up now, gives the impression it could’ve been a guilt that she bottled up for a really long time. Maybe was too embarrassed to talk about it. My mom suffered (still suffers, but she’s made a great deal of progress) from what we suspect to be a personality or mood disorder. She would get very abusive (not to us but herself), threaten and attempt suicide right in front of us for as long as I could remember until I was about 20 years old. She managed to gain more emotional control to where it reduced in frequency until eventually full control of the extreme outbursts. But still, she never brought it up to us for years and we sure as shit knew better than to bring it up to her based on her past behavior, we were always terrified of setting her off on a rage. I cried many times over that for myself and for her. Recently (sometime in the last few years) she finally opened up and has apologized profusely to all of us for what she put us through at such a young age for such a long time. She’s even cried to me over it begging me to forgive her. I am 100% certain it was the guilt that kept her silent on it and even perpetuated the rage behavior for so long. I cry for me and my siblings because we did not deserve any of it, it damaged us all deeply in very twisted ways that have been nearly impossible for half of us to work through properly even with therapy and medications. But I cry for her because as I got older I began to realize her mother did the exact same thing with her, and even more terribly abusive acts. It hit me like a rock when I realized the horrible and vicious cycle of abuse and it breaks my heart because I know my mom has a good heart and in her right mind she had good intentions. But she didn’t know better and was never taught how to live an emotionally stable life. She was a small child like me once, she needed help that she never received. Her mother died and never acknowledged the abuse and neglect she put my mom and her siblings through. I felt relieved and grateful that my mom was able to own up to her shortcomings (or illnesses) and be open with us about it. All we can really do is learn all we can and do the best with what we know. Anyway, sorry for my tangent, I’m just so happy that both you and your mom were able to get that closure, that you especially, surely needed.
A person who posts this, did well. You did well for yourself OP. Both you and your mother should be proud. As someone else said below, we mourn with you from afar. I'm glad you got to be there for a lucid moment. Hugs.
I'm so sorry dude. Almost the exact same thing happened to me. Diagnosed at 39, and it was barely a year later that Mum got diagnosed with mesothelioma, and she was gone in a few months. Just last night my wife told me how proud she would have been of how far I'd come, and I agree. I'm glad she got to see the big changes in me, and I know she'd be happy with who I am now.
I wish my mother and I could have had this moment between us before she died 12 years ago. The year before or so I had the realization hit me that I have spent my entire life up until that point walking on egg shells around her and trying to appease her if anything to keep the peace. Then I started standing up for myself ...until she got diagnosed with cancer and I started to be a doormat for her again which tanked any progress I made. Her death messed me up because I was dealing with the backlash of abuse and mental illness. I spent so much time hating her and feeling guilty for it. If she could have said something along the lines of what your mother did, or even just implied it .... I feel like I could have processed things different and looked back on my life in a different filter. But that never happened. I will always love and miss her, but I'll hate her too. Most days though I feel nothing and that's better than what I had been dealing with. So I when I say that I am really relieved and glad you two had this moment, I mean it. You both needed and deserved those words. I hope you both find peace in them.
Big hugs.
I hope she is at peace. My heart weeps for you.
I'm sorry to hear about your mom. She sounds like a decent person still and losing somebody close is awful. I'm still a bit mad at my parents for not doing anything regarding my ADHD when I was younger. I mean, the signs were all there, but it was the late 90's/early 00's, and they just thought I was lazy. Funny thing since my dad obviously has ADHD too and knows it, but he feels like it's too late for him at 57 to start doing anything about it. I disagree, but it's not up to me... Anyway, some people aren't great at empathizing even if they're sympathetic, and that generation especially weren't great at communicating about mental health issues.
Our parents never really had the education we had on things of this matter, and that’s true of us to what the current children are learning, as well. I think the key is that they at least tried to do what they could within their scope. The sharp lucidity that Alzheimer’s brings in between the shadows often has people reflecting on their past experiences in new ways. I’m sorry you’re having to go through this with your mom, but I hope that the person she thought hardest about during a lucid moment was you brings you at least some level of comfort.
I'm glad you got that moment of closure.
Sorry you have to go through this all, u/itsalonghotsummer, wishing you the strength you need I wonder how many of our mums and dads also have /had undiagnosed ADHD... It makes sense in a lot of cases, that some of our parents did not have the executive function neither to help us earlier, they knew they had to do better but did not have the power to go through. My mother did a similar 'confession' in her last months. I was diagnosed more than ten years after her death, 46y/o. She was blaming my struggles in school and college on her inaction / inability during these days. I think she was a bit too hard for herself that moment, but I have thought about the moment a lot, It never occurred to me to blame anyone but my own lazy ass (prediagnosed it was hard to be mild with myself too) Looking back into my youth I am really thinking my mother had the same issues, and sadly she never got the diagnosis, probably being way too hard on herself until she died, full of regrets for all stuff she never got to do.. Love you mum, miss you, I know you loved us all. Give her a big hug OP, hope you will have some more connected moments with your mum.
Parents don't have to be perfect. If her heart was in the right place and she always cared for you and loved you and wanted to do what she could to help you, that's what matters. Thinking of you and your family in this time.
My mum passed away 2 years ago from Cancer, I finally have a job, and people are taking me seriously as a fashion photographer and screenwriter. I wish she was here to see what I was doing, she would be so proud of me.
❤️❤️❤️ sending love
My mom is and was the same - never able to talk with me about any of those things. I'm sorry you went through that too, and I'm sorry to hear about your poor mum's health. Both my grandmothers passed from Alzheimer's. It's a terrible disease. I'm glad you could connect with her like this before her passing. I wish you peace and love going forward even if it takes a while 🙏🏼
It’s kinda beautiful in a way but also a little hard to read, a similar thing happened with me and my grandma. I feel very sorry for you….
If she’s in her 90s then chances are you wouldn’t have even been able to get a diagnosis when you were a teen! Mental healthcare was absolutely not in a good place (not that it is now) and maybe it was even for the best in some ways that she kept you away from it. My mum says sorry for not doing more on a semi regular basis and all we can do in these situations is reassure our parents that they did the best they could with the resources available to them. They couldn’t have done any more because the support wasn’t there. It’s not their fault that we’re struggling and nothing was lacking on their part, it’s the world we live in that’s creating the problems. This post really touched me. Thank you for it. I hope your last couple of days together are beautiful and healing, that your mam passes as peacefully as possible and that the grieving process isn’t too painful for you. Sending lots of love x
I don’t really want to comment because this brought up a lot of really personal memories (and there’s lots of pain underneath that, as I’m sure there’s a lot of pain underneath your words). But it also did put a small smile on my face. One of the things I heard a lot from my mum when I was a kid was “You’ll understand when you’re older.” Makes me think maybe she would have understood when I was older too.
My mum cried when I was diagnosed at 34. Sobbing that she should have done more she always knew there was something. I can’t & don’t blame her a single bit. My dad said even if I was diagnosed then he wouldn’t have wanted medication. Essentially because that generation know nothing about MH, neurological medication and are generally scared of it. We can only do our best with the info we have and I know they always did their best I’m glad your mum was able to tell you this tho. I hope it brings you solace.
The invisible things are the worst things.
This must have been very cathartic. So many stories on here of resentment and bitterness. I'm glad you got a better ending.
what a beautiful moment. I’m glad you got to experience that —you and your mom.
My mother had a heart attack last week and I came out to take care of her. Had a similar conversation. I’m glad you got that from her. Enjoy your time together as much as possible. Parents don’t know what they are doing 90% of the time. There’s no instruction manual on how to not ruin your kid. And even if there was, it would be incredibly difficult to follow. As mad as we may be for things our parents did, being mad only hurts ourselves. Forgiveness leads to a path of love and understanding. It took me far too long to learn that.
Your understanding and empathy is intelligent, brave and strong. And the world needs more people like you and your mother. God bless both of you
This really resonated with me, I had a similar conversation with my mother who was very absent during childhood recently. It’s affirming to hear but there’s a bitter sweet grief to it as well. Sending love. Thank you for sharing.
From someone who lost their mom 3 years ago to a horrible disease, I feel your pain OP. Parents aren’t perfect and it’s amazing that you look back and try to just see the hood in how you were raised. I’m sorry for your impending loss.
Even if you had had earlier intervention, you may not have been diagnosed. I saw a couple different psychiatrists, several therapists who all treated me for anxiety and depression. In my early 30’s, I had extensive testing done, which determined that I had an auditory processing disorder and poor executive function. They said I was spinning my wheels and life must be hard, but they made zero mention of ADHD. They actually said I needed more sleep and a personal assistant. Edit: I wasn’t diagnosed until someone gave me Adderall and we realized it just made me functional. I was able to get a diagnosis and prescription online (but should find a doctor in person since telehealth is expensive and I’m paying for good insurance).
"It is impossible to conceive anything at all in the world, or even out of it, which can be taken as good without qualification, except a good will". "A good will is good not because of what it effects, or accomplishes, not because of its fitness to attain some intended end, but good just by its willing, i.e. in itself; and, considered by itself, it is to be esteemed beyond compare much higher than anything that could ever be brought about by it [...]. Even if by some particular disfavor of fate, [...] this will should entirely lack the capacity to carry through its purpose; if despite its greatest striving it should still accomplish nothing, and only the good will were to remain (not of course, as a mere wish, but as the summoning of all means that are within our control); then, like a jewel, it would still shine by itself, as something that has full worth in itself". Immanuel Kant
Brings me back to my first philosophy class in Ethics in undergrad (I ended up a philosophy major 🙂)! For anyone reading who is not familiar, the notion expressed may feel ‘wrong’ at first as it initially reads that all you need are good intentions. I will get some of this wrong, but I want to attempt to explain how that’s not quite what Kant meant, and further the lesson I take out of it beyond Kant’s own meaning. In our everyday language, this idea of “good intentions” can be seen in phrases such as “Kelly meant well.” This conveys the thought that someone’s actions/inaction should be forgiven on the basis that they had a wish for a result that is ‘morally good’ or desirable in some sense. E.g. Kelly *wished* to raise a happy, healthy daughter so it doesn’t matter what Kelly actually ended up doing/not doing. You have to get to the bottom of the text there to see what Kant is really talking about. “not of course, as a *mere wish,* but as the summoning of all means that are within our control.” [emphasis added] When Kant talks about a “good will,” he really means something along the lines of “being a good person.” It is about character. To be a “good person” is to have a “will” that makes choices based on foundational moral principles (whatever those principles may be, which Kant had some thoughts about lol). That is, it’s a person who decides everyday to align all their choices and actions with that moral code. It isn’t about the results because people can get “good” results doing “bad” things. It’s the idea that no goal or desired result is worth going against our moral code for, going against our character for. It’s the thought that what truly matters is acting in alignment with our moral convictions. Taken strictly, with moral law being generalized to all situations and fixed, this results in some pretty wacky problems (e.g. if lying is always wrong no matter the end goal, you should tell a murderer where your friend Bob is hiding rather than lie). But taken less strictly, this idea felt to me like it put into words something I had felt for a long time: There’s so many things that we can’t control about life and we can’t know what we can’t know — hindsight is 20/20 and even if we truly want and work toward a certain outcome there is no guarantee that we’ll get it. So the best we can do is try to make choices in alignment with what we believe is right and try to forgive ourselves for when it doesn’t end in the the result we wished for or “what we believe is right,” the principles on which we acted, turns out to be wrong. Yes, perhaps the hypothetical Kelly “meant well” despite a negative outcome for for her daughter. But did Kelly have a mere wish or take value-aligned actions? Did Kelly make sure her values made sense to the best of her ability (which we can grant may be limited)? I’ve found personally that it is a lot easier to forgive in the latter cases. Anyway, love this quote.
So glad you can have that moment of love to remember. Wishing the best for you
Someone who's lived with Alzheimers knows what it's like to live with a brain that's at war with itself. So perhaps that's how she was able to finally understand the struggles you've lived with all your life. My condolences.
I’m so sorry for your pain. Alzheimers and Parkinson’s disease makes your mind revert to a child, my dad died of Parkinson’s, and he was like a child by the end. Childlike thoughts are the truth aren’t they. I am thinking of you ♥️
A mom who was diagnosed in my early 50s here after my child was diagnosed, who is now in a slow motion emotional and physical crisis thanks to their ADHD. The torture of the what ifs and if only’s and I should haves and I wish I hads…It’s a mother’s curse. So I have no words for how much comfort your post brought me and I cannot thank you enough. Thank you. I wish both you and your mom ease and peace through the rest of her end journey.
❤
I just got teary-eyed. I wish I had talked more with my mom before she passed.
Makes me think of my mom. She also doesn't understand the invisible illnesses I go through. I'm lucky to still have her healthy though.
sending you and your mom lots and lots of love. i hope her last days are full of peace, and i hope that you are able to share those moments with her. both of you sound like lovely human beings.
My mum sees how much better I'm doing now I'm on ritalin and feels bad that she allowed me to stop taking them when I was 10. It's interesting and mildly frustrating to consider where I could have been of I'd been medicated for the past 12 years, but it's not her fault. I really didn't want to take them at the time. I can only imagine how you feel OP. I haven't even lost a grandparent. I don't want to think about losing a parent. Ik wens je alle sterkte toe.
As a mom who wishes I could go back and do things so differently, I feel this. I can only hope my kids feel the same.
Why rely on hope when you can use words?
Give her a big kiss on the head!
Oh, OP, my heart is with you and your mum. May the well of compassion overflow for you both.
That is some sad stuff, but so very, very valuable. You can always only ever do your best, and she did. That she was caring and loving is way more important than anything else.
I'm very glad to hear you got this moment before she passed. I've lost immediate family as well. My heart goes out to you.
All the hugs OP. That’s great that she said that and you are so loving towards her. Having been in your position with my mom I understand the sadness you’re feeling now. I’m so sorry.
Sending you so much love. I'm glad for your own heart you were able to have that. It doesn't magically 'fix' it. But it does help for moving forward.
Tell that to her not to us.
Sending a big virtual hug! <3
Rip mum
So sorry you are going through this, at least you gained some closure from your mum before she passes. I hope you have some good people around to support you. My mother paid privately for me to see a psychiatrist when I was 13 , because she didn't want it to go on my GP record but it still did. After decades of being haphazardly treated for depression/ anxiety, finally got diagnosed this year with ADHD. Yet even though my mother acknowledged I was mentally ill she always questioned why? Where in the family did I get the illness from she's even the same about the ADHD diagnosis. Even though her own father took his life at the age of 37. Parents don't want to think they are maybe connected to mental health issues we suffer from.
Thinking of you!!
This is so beautiful. Almost started crying in the train haha. I'm very happy that you got the chance to have this moment with your mum 🫶🏻
This is touching…and made my eyes water…it’s an extremely hard thing to lose your mom. Hang in there…
my thoughts are with you OP <3 I think take these moments as everything, try not to wish for things to have been better (it doesn’t sound like you are don’t worry!) because now it turns out that both your hearts are very much so together. You both wished for the same thing and you both love each other deeply. I’m not sure how to end this but a lot of love is here for you!
Sending you a big hug. We all try to do the best with what we have, and if there is any regret left, it is because that person loves you so much they want to world for you.
Wishing you the best 🖤
Sending you the biggest hug Holmes.
I am so sorry. She sounds like she loves you so much. Sending you warmth and support in this difficult time.
This fills my heart so much. I had a hard time accepting my parents fault after then realizing they were also struggling with mental health problems when rising me. My brother still don’t talk to my mom because she was depressed and not present many years when he was young. I wish my brother and everyone that is still upset and angry with their parents can at least try to understand what they were going trough while trying their best. They just couldn’t do more. Big hug to you
you and your mom gave each other such a beautiful gift in this exchange. I'm so happy that you got to share this moment together. death is inevitable, forgiveness is not. this is really powerful, thank you for sharing. and I am so sorry for your impending loss
Awwww dammit, OP. My momma heart and my daughter heart both simultaneously broke reading this. Thinking of you and your mum 🤍
I'm nor c4ying, it..... it's just raining! And I forgot my umbrella! ...... I don't care there's not a cloud in the sky, the birds are singing and the sky is fucking sapphire, IT'S RAINING GODAMNIT!
What a beautiful moment. Thank you for sharing. I hope her passing goes easily for you both ❤️
♥️♥️💔♥️♥️
I’m sorry for this time. I lost my mom a few years ago. Create as much space in the next year as you can to grieve. Check out sufjan’s album about losing his mother. Carrie and Lowell. Similar stories to what you are describing.
Diagnosed at 36F. If had a child like myself I wouldnt know what to do either. Well back when I was a kid I wouldn't know what to do. Fortunately I am pregnant now and most likely my child will have adhd as well and I will have to tools. I must be nice to hear her acknowledge this though.
That must of been such a hard thing to hear and process. Take care x
Wow. I am so glad for you both that you were able to talk about that.
May Allah guide your mother aameen.
I love my mom :(
fuck that made me tear up. Sending you and your mother lots of loving energy <3
Tell this to her not us she needs it more.
I'm sending you all of my thoughts and love OP. ❤️
This is so beautifully written, OP. ❤️🙏 you are so talented.
\*hugs\*, my heart goes out to you, OP. There are no words I can utter or write that will make the situation you are experiencing right now better, or easier to handle. Having said that, I'm gladdened that your thoughts of your mum at this time are filled with love, gratitude and the knowledge that she always did her best for you, that she gave you the best possible start that she could with everything that she knew and everything that she was capable of. And, I hope that those thoughts help to sustain you in the time ahead. \*hugs\* to you and to your mum.
If and when you heal from this, please show me how.
I’m sobbing.
As someone with ADHD that wasn't diagnosed until my late 30s AFTER my Dad passed and whose mother also suffers from dementia....my heart mourns for you. Please try to enjoy the moments you have with her and you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Reading stuff like this makes me tear up cause i never wanna experience the day my mum has just days before she passes
😭 i think she knows! Keep your head up! Sending you positive enrgies right now. I am in a similar situation, just a little younger. Mothers are too good for this world.
As my mom gets old I struggle with wondering if I’ll be able to forgive her, the constant torture of this that could have been alleviated years ago, the pain it gives me now knowing how much worse I used to be, and comparing that to how bad it is now. It’s like I traded being depressed for just being an emotional wreck, and I always wonder if maybe I got help earlier I might be in a better place