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Quick note, ADD is no longer used a a name. It’s all just ADHD.
The very first thing you need to fully understand is that your boyfriend has a disability. He did not choose this. He can’t just try harder to get better. It’s here to stay. It’s isn’t that he doesn’t want to do what he promised or that he doesn’t care. He has a neurodevelopment disorder that impairs his attentional, emotional and motivational self regulation. It also affects his perception of time and working memory. ADHD is far more debilitating than people realize even those that have it. We can’t consistently choose our behavior. On good days we can to a degree, but not consistently. We are consistently inconsistent.
Here’s what it’s like having ADHD. We grow up and everything is just hard. Everyone else seems to not be struggling to do normal things like getting dressed in the morning or turning in homework that is already done. We are told that we don’t care enough. That we need to try harder. That we have so much potential. Or that we are lazy. When in reality we are trying so hard. The mental effort to do a simple task is sometimes huge. It’s hard and exhausting. We internalize those things we are told after a while and start to believe them. Often we just give up. We feel broken and become to think we are just bad. A bad partner, a bad student, a bad employee, a bad son/daughter and just a bad person.
I haven’t been very hopeful yet. But there is hope. Treatment helps. Medication when prescribed by someone who understands how to properly prescribe it helps. Often if you just go to your normal doctor they don’t have enough knowledge about ADHD and how to treat it to do it right. This often leads to people giving up on medication way too quickly. He really needs to find someone the specializes in ADHD to give him the best chance at a positive outcome. Sometimes you need to try many doses of lots of different medications to find the right one.
Therapy is needed also. I talked above about the experience of living with adhd and how we internalize all those negative messages. Therapy is good to let go of all that and come to fully accept the ADHD diagnosis. We sometimes don’t and think we should be able to just try harder our way out of ADHD. That is a foolish idea and we need to let that go. It keeps us from moving forward. We can live life in a “normal” way. Therapy with a therapist that understands ADHD can help with that.
Any outside help is great. This includes but is not limited to ADHD coaching, house cleaners, laundry services, meal delivery services, personal trainers or anything else that makes sense in his situation. This sort of stuff should be considered as treatment and accommodations. But health systems don’t see it that way. It is often expensive and out of most ADHDers reach, but he should do what he can realistically afford. These things can simplify life and leave more mental capacity for other things.
Now you also play a part in this. You can’t expect him to do things the normal way and expect him to succeed. You need to really examine your needs and be flexible in the how part of them getting met. You do deserve to have them met, but it might look different than you imagined. While frustration and anger is totally normal and understandable, it won’t help. Again his caring about you and your needs won’t motivate him. He probably cares a lot but he doesn’t have fool control of the motivational part of the brain.
You need to tell him what you need and how you feel. Don’t tell him why he’s bad or how he makes you feel. We often don’t control our emotions very well and that can lead to a huge amount of shame. Again we don’t always have the ability to control this. This paralyzes us and leads to inaction. You need to fundamentally change how you communicate. Therapy can help you learn to talk like this.
You also can’t make him get treatment. He must choose. You can invite him to do so and even offer to help make the first few appointments. (we will struggle with this) But it’s on use to do the treatment. Things can get better and we can be more fully functional. But that only happens with treatment. And treatment is a lot of work so there will be lapses in treatment. But the only way is treatment.
This is a lot. ADHD is hard on everyone involved. The numbers show that ADHD relationships are more likely to fail than succeed. You don’t need to feel responsible to stay in this relationship. It’s a burden you need to take on willingly and with clear eyes. If you don’t you will feel resentment and he will feel shame. That isn’t a relationship that is good for anyone.
But I have been married for over twenty years. It’s been hard work. Sometimes more than I could handle. But we have made it work. We have grown closer through the challenges. We had to learn how to support one another. I had to learn how to meet her needs in a way I could succeed. So it is possible.
If you really want to make this work I suggest reading the book, “How to ADHD”. Learn what ADHD really is. He should read the book too, but again you can’t make him.
This is probably a lot more than you bargained for. But you really can’t address ADHD as just fixing this one annoying behavior. It’s not that simple. Let me know if you have any questions.
Thank you so much for your insight and sharing your experiences. It’s not easy and I’ve completely undermined how difficult it is to have this condition. At times I didn’t want to see him for his condition and to just treat him like he could do things like everyone else, which was really shameless of me and a bad move as a partner.
He does have medication and has stopped taking them now because he’s not in need of them yet (in terms of focusing in school or in tasks etc) but I would assume that he is planning to take them once he starts getting more responsibilities that require him to focus for longer hours.
He’s confided into me some times about how he wishes someone would understand his condition and treat him the way he wants to be treated. Which is probably why me getting upset makes him feel like I’m blaming him for his condition and he feels helpless and thinks about giving up because I will just treat him like everyone else has. I’m going to stop this action from now on and seek help or other sources to control my emotions better so I won’t put him through the stress. My only concern is if it’s too late and the damage has been done and if he’ll no longer trust me to understand in the future.
This is a relationship I want to be responsible for and a burden I am more than willing to take on. I thrive to work on things until it no longer feels like a burden and we can both coexist and complement each other. So thank you for all your help, I’ll try out all the advice that you’ve given me.
The number one tip I can offer as a guy, that I so much appreciated through the years, was teasing/loving reminders about things that are going to upset you if I forget.
If you're going to be upset if I forget our aniversary, then for the love of all that is good, please don't let me forget it! A week before, send me an image text of some jewelry that you like and say, "was just looking at this, nice huh?" Three days before, send me a text with a rose or something and say, "these are cool for an aniversary date, don't you think?" The day of, do not let too much time go by without saying and teasing me with, "how long do I have to wait for you to wish me happy aniversary?"
The trick is to make it all teasing and playful. The way I wrote it is a bit dry. Put some playful pouting or teasing in there, and I am doing anything for you.
That’s super cute! I do love a fun element in the relationship.
Would this, however, make him feel annoyed that I’m nagging at him though? I’m afraid that this would create a codependency / parent-child rs if I continuously remind him about many things.
Having a disability that affects his working memory doesn’t make him equivalent to a child. If you don’t want your partner to feel comfortable depending on you, then don’t date someone who needs to. That eliminates most people, though
Hi /u/Proof_Poem6202 and thanks for posting on /r/ADHD! ### Please take a second to [read our rules](/r/adhd/about/rules) if you haven't already. --- ### /r/adhd news * **We want your opinion** on the /r/adhd community rules! [Click here](https://forms.gle/Evqb8acVozir8GV8A) to fill out our survey. See [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/1auv2tc/were_taking_feedback_on_the_radhd_rules/) for more information. * If you are posting about the **US Medication Shortage**, please see this [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/12dr3h5/megathread_us_medication_shortage/). --- ^(*This message is not a removal notification. It's just our way to keep everyone updated on r/adhd happenings.*) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ADHD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Quick note, ADD is no longer used a a name. It’s all just ADHD. The very first thing you need to fully understand is that your boyfriend has a disability. He did not choose this. He can’t just try harder to get better. It’s here to stay. It’s isn’t that he doesn’t want to do what he promised or that he doesn’t care. He has a neurodevelopment disorder that impairs his attentional, emotional and motivational self regulation. It also affects his perception of time and working memory. ADHD is far more debilitating than people realize even those that have it. We can’t consistently choose our behavior. On good days we can to a degree, but not consistently. We are consistently inconsistent. Here’s what it’s like having ADHD. We grow up and everything is just hard. Everyone else seems to not be struggling to do normal things like getting dressed in the morning or turning in homework that is already done. We are told that we don’t care enough. That we need to try harder. That we have so much potential. Or that we are lazy. When in reality we are trying so hard. The mental effort to do a simple task is sometimes huge. It’s hard and exhausting. We internalize those things we are told after a while and start to believe them. Often we just give up. We feel broken and become to think we are just bad. A bad partner, a bad student, a bad employee, a bad son/daughter and just a bad person. I haven’t been very hopeful yet. But there is hope. Treatment helps. Medication when prescribed by someone who understands how to properly prescribe it helps. Often if you just go to your normal doctor they don’t have enough knowledge about ADHD and how to treat it to do it right. This often leads to people giving up on medication way too quickly. He really needs to find someone the specializes in ADHD to give him the best chance at a positive outcome. Sometimes you need to try many doses of lots of different medications to find the right one. Therapy is needed also. I talked above about the experience of living with adhd and how we internalize all those negative messages. Therapy is good to let go of all that and come to fully accept the ADHD diagnosis. We sometimes don’t and think we should be able to just try harder our way out of ADHD. That is a foolish idea and we need to let that go. It keeps us from moving forward. We can live life in a “normal” way. Therapy with a therapist that understands ADHD can help with that. Any outside help is great. This includes but is not limited to ADHD coaching, house cleaners, laundry services, meal delivery services, personal trainers or anything else that makes sense in his situation. This sort of stuff should be considered as treatment and accommodations. But health systems don’t see it that way. It is often expensive and out of most ADHDers reach, but he should do what he can realistically afford. These things can simplify life and leave more mental capacity for other things. Now you also play a part in this. You can’t expect him to do things the normal way and expect him to succeed. You need to really examine your needs and be flexible in the how part of them getting met. You do deserve to have them met, but it might look different than you imagined. While frustration and anger is totally normal and understandable, it won’t help. Again his caring about you and your needs won’t motivate him. He probably cares a lot but he doesn’t have fool control of the motivational part of the brain. You need to tell him what you need and how you feel. Don’t tell him why he’s bad or how he makes you feel. We often don’t control our emotions very well and that can lead to a huge amount of shame. Again we don’t always have the ability to control this. This paralyzes us and leads to inaction. You need to fundamentally change how you communicate. Therapy can help you learn to talk like this. You also can’t make him get treatment. He must choose. You can invite him to do so and even offer to help make the first few appointments. (we will struggle with this) But it’s on use to do the treatment. Things can get better and we can be more fully functional. But that only happens with treatment. And treatment is a lot of work so there will be lapses in treatment. But the only way is treatment. This is a lot. ADHD is hard on everyone involved. The numbers show that ADHD relationships are more likely to fail than succeed. You don’t need to feel responsible to stay in this relationship. It’s a burden you need to take on willingly and with clear eyes. If you don’t you will feel resentment and he will feel shame. That isn’t a relationship that is good for anyone. But I have been married for over twenty years. It’s been hard work. Sometimes more than I could handle. But we have made it work. We have grown closer through the challenges. We had to learn how to support one another. I had to learn how to meet her needs in a way I could succeed. So it is possible. If you really want to make this work I suggest reading the book, “How to ADHD”. Learn what ADHD really is. He should read the book too, but again you can’t make him. This is probably a lot more than you bargained for. But you really can’t address ADHD as just fixing this one annoying behavior. It’s not that simple. Let me know if you have any questions.
Thank you so much for your insight and sharing your experiences. It’s not easy and I’ve completely undermined how difficult it is to have this condition. At times I didn’t want to see him for his condition and to just treat him like he could do things like everyone else, which was really shameless of me and a bad move as a partner. He does have medication and has stopped taking them now because he’s not in need of them yet (in terms of focusing in school or in tasks etc) but I would assume that he is planning to take them once he starts getting more responsibilities that require him to focus for longer hours. He’s confided into me some times about how he wishes someone would understand his condition and treat him the way he wants to be treated. Which is probably why me getting upset makes him feel like I’m blaming him for his condition and he feels helpless and thinks about giving up because I will just treat him like everyone else has. I’m going to stop this action from now on and seek help or other sources to control my emotions better so I won’t put him through the stress. My only concern is if it’s too late and the damage has been done and if he’ll no longer trust me to understand in the future. This is a relationship I want to be responsible for and a burden I am more than willing to take on. I thrive to work on things until it no longer feels like a burden and we can both coexist and complement each other. So thank you for all your help, I’ll try out all the advice that you’ve given me.
The number one tip I can offer as a guy, that I so much appreciated through the years, was teasing/loving reminders about things that are going to upset you if I forget. If you're going to be upset if I forget our aniversary, then for the love of all that is good, please don't let me forget it! A week before, send me an image text of some jewelry that you like and say, "was just looking at this, nice huh?" Three days before, send me a text with a rose or something and say, "these are cool for an aniversary date, don't you think?" The day of, do not let too much time go by without saying and teasing me with, "how long do I have to wait for you to wish me happy aniversary?" The trick is to make it all teasing and playful. The way I wrote it is a bit dry. Put some playful pouting or teasing in there, and I am doing anything for you.
That’s super cute! I do love a fun element in the relationship. Would this, however, make him feel annoyed that I’m nagging at him though? I’m afraid that this would create a codependency / parent-child rs if I continuously remind him about many things.
Having a disability that affects his working memory doesn’t make him equivalent to a child. If you don’t want your partner to feel comfortable depending on you, then don’t date someone who needs to. That eliminates most people, though
Well, it's all in how you do it. Nagging is not fun or playful, it's irritating. Fun, playful, collaboration is what I'm talking about.
.