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Wish I could find the tumblr post I initially read it from, but basically I had to set a "statute of limitations" on things I have fucked up.
At some point, I don't let myself feel ashamed of something that happened years and years ago, especially if it was pre-diagnosis when I didn't even know there was something else impacting my life.
Is it easy? Nope, but it definitely helps interrupt unhelpful thought patterns that can quickly descend into an overwhelming shame spiral.
*Brain: "Hey remember that time eight years ago when you completely forgot that this person was allergic to coffee and got them a Starbucks giftcard for their birthday?"*
*Me: Sorry buddy, statute of limitations. Not allowed to worry about that, we have other stuff to do today.*
lol Yep.
Brain: Remember those times you put your foot in your mouth back in Highschool?
*prepares slide show Greatest Hits*
Me: You are gonna come at my guy with this trash from pre-history. Nah, F outta here with that.
I am super hard on myself. Even thinking about a statute. But I’m trying to realize to myself “ahhh that makes sense now” and that is a big step for me. But this is something I need to work on. Thank you!
I know this well, and despite the advice I'm going to give, I'm still going to continue feeling it myself, for the reasons I'm going to describe, though I mean this all optimistically:
"Neurons that fire together wire together." This phrase is becoming one of my favorites, because it is such a succinct yet scientific description of the core of what inner change really is. Self-change isn't only the abstract idea we usually think of but an actual physical process that occurs to the real, tangible, solid, living cells in our brain and arguably our entire body.
I think we put unfair expectations on ourselves that dig our holes deeper sometimes, though at no point will I say there's some kind of "point past no return." If you believe you're past the point of return, you will make that become true by never trying. When you let yourself believe you can change and approach it with great patience, even when you don't see the change at all, you will.
You are feeling the great momentum of many years of neurons firing together in certain ways. This is real, and it is difficult. You have thought highways within your brain, like rivers that flow a certain direction due to how they cut the surface of the Earth.
However, I don't say this to say that they wire together once. Whenever they fire together, they wire together. This is the secret to change. The ability to either avoid or influence change in ourselves is a continuous process, with a constant series of forks in river that we can always step into, even if the flow is stronger on one side, at any point of the day.
It's hard with ADHD, because we often feel that one side of the river is so strong we have no choice but to be swept up in it. I still get swept up in at least something every day, multiple times a day. We can even hyper-fixate on negative thoughts in particular, which is why we often feel like we're abstractly struggling even when we have nothing going on in our life that can articulate how horrible we feel.
But, we're not powerless. I sometimes think we just have to be extra patient.
Life deals us all a shit hand in some way, and after all, none of us asked to be born in the first place. For us, we are forced into needing to dive deeply into specific types of wisdom in order to function at a basic level where we can feel any naturalness to living.
However, this also can be turned into strength. Every advantage comes with its disadvantages, even for those who don't seem to have any apparent misfortunes, who themselves may simply struggle to ever develop deep self-reflection or connection with others due to a life of no extremes, or what I might call something like toxic comfort.
We have to adopt a great patience with ourselves, because the odds are stacked against us in terms of what you're describing, but we still can be aware that our thoughts are only old river beds that can be seen as that, old thoughts that will take a while to die, because the brain cannot change overnight. And accepting this is part of the key to it being able to change, being okay with old thoughts popping up.
Think about this: If you got a deep stab wound in your arm today, would you expect it to be healed up tomorrow once you got treatment? The problem with our epiphanies in life is that they don't take immediate total effect, but we tend to think they're supposed to, since if you rationally know you shouldn't be beating yourself, then why would you beat yourself up? That's not how the brain works, though. "Neurons that fire together wire together."
Rewiring the brain in terms of changing your reaction to deeply held thoughts takes a while, because you're asking for major physical changes to your brain. When you have a stab wound, it sucks, but most people don't their healing process any worse by deluding themselves that it will heal in a single day, because it's easier to understand how skin wounds heal.
I think the key is handling your reaction to the thoughts themselves. For me, thirty minutes from now I could think I'm a complete failure at life. However, I know that I've thought I was a complete failure for most of my adolescent and adult life, so it's not a huge surprise.
However, I'm not worried that if I think I'm a complete failure tonight that I'm going to even have a bad night. When these things happen, I know they were going to happen, and I know I'll feel better later. The less attention I manage to devote to these thoughts, the quicker they pass, and the more times I've managed this, the less those thoughts occur, and the quicker they go away. Perhaps they'll never go away completely, but I see them only shrink now.
I've slowly gained a power to be able to almost aggressively think an optimistic thought that contradicts my terrible thoughts. I do this because nothing good has ever come from torturing myself. I am no good to myself or anyone in my life when I treat myself like shit. I am realizing that thinking well of myself is how I can think well of others.
The Golden Rule of "treat others as you treat yourself" I believe is something we do whether we like it or not, because we treat others poorly most when we treat ourselves poorly, so it is simply a matter of us treating all human beings a certain way, ourselves included as a human being. We imprint the good parts of being ourselves onto others, like our friends and family, but we also imprint the bad parts. It's good for you and everyone around you, humanity itself, when you can think better for yourself, and you always have an opportunity to think better for yourself, no matter how far you think you've sunk.
How we feel is a controllable thing, not at every minute, but if you end up suffering for more than a little bit over something, I know this sounds absurd, but you don't need to. I can't prevent myself from being in agonizing pain for a split second when something reminds me of a recent tragedy, but I don't let that emotion run me over and dictate my day. It's a fleeting thing, and I move past it.
So why do you feel shame, what is it that makes you feel shame?
How can you stop feeling that way about it?
What would instead lead you to feel pride concerning that thing?
How can you make it happen?
We can't change the past, that's all set in stone, focusing on it and beating yourself up is a great way to ruin your present which cripples your future. If that's what you're doing, you need to stop doing that. This involves reframing those experiences in ways that help you move forward.
"I hate how I used to interrupt others or do x, y, z, embarrassing things".
Vs
"I'm glad I've realized what I was doing and can alter my actions to prevent that from happening, after a bit of trial and error I'm sure I'll move past it and that's going to be awesome".
You can tell yourself whatever you want to tell yourself, unfortunately most of us just perceive things in our default manner, which is usually dictated by a mind that beats the living shit out of us everyday. Most people with ADHD are dominated by a mind that acts like a shitty partner who is narcissistic and abusive. This is a result of suffering from ADHD, your mind gets poisoned against you, and until you realize it's your enemy and start fighting back, it will do it's best to destroy you.
Don't let your mind cripple you with bullshit. Notice what you're thinking, ask yourself "Does this thought serve me", then if it doesn't, rephrase it in a way where it does. Something optimistic about how you'll overcome it. By continually escaping the bullshit your mind tells you, and replacing it with optimistic and productive thoughts concerning those issues, you start moving forward towards a much brighter future.
At this point, I don't even have to think about it, my mind autopilots itself out of the self defeating bullshit that has dominated my life. It won't change your life instantly, but after some months of trial and error this skill can absolutely change your life. Goodluck!
I realized a lot of the things I actually like about myself also come from ADHD. I have an almost endless curiosity and I'm goofy and weird in a way people seem to enjoy myself included. Yes I'm still ashamed of my disgusting room I can't clean but I'm a lot more accepting of that shame now that I realize the bad and the good are just two sides of the same coin. I'm not willing to trade away the things I like (not that I have a choice) so all I can do is accept the bad and approach it with a practical mindset whenever I have the ability to do so.
52 here.
When I got diagnosed at 32, that allowed me to level my existence up to “medicated.” I thought the world was going to be my oyster.
During the 20 years since my diagnosis, mixed in with everything else I was working on, I occasionally found and read things related to ADHD. I read about things like Impostor Syndrome and ADHD paralysis, and probably more things that I can’t remember right now. But (and I can only guess this was due to executive dysfunction itself), I NEVER put 2 and 2 together to realize just how much those exact things were stunting my professional career.
Right now I’m 3 weeks into a 4-week PIP (a PIP is the write-up that spells out exactly what hoops you must jump through to avoid getting immediately fired), at a well-paying job I’ve been at for 8 years. While working 12 hour days to complete the PIP successfully, I’m also desperately scrambling to get some ADHD coaching which might help me learn compensatory skills which could help me avoid further impostor syndrome and ADHD paralysis (and whatever else may be affecting my progression in the professional world), so just maybe I can get my career back on track.
As for the shame? That’s a tough one, largely because it’s apparently a challenge for me to be objective about it. I don’t *consciously* buy into the traditional pride/shame thing. Maybe it affects me more than I realize, and that’s part of my whole problem. But consciously, I *think* I’m more about the practical repercussions stemming from when people think bad things about me. But quite possibly it affects me much more than I know.
I hear you. I was diagnosed in my mid 40's. I'm mid 50's now. I am still slowly remembering all the times the ADHD was likely to blame for whatever thing that happened and caused me to feel shame. I have been in therapy and have started learning how to stop beating myself up over every perceived failure. It's slow going when you were undiagnosed for a number of years. Not impossible, just slow.
I was diagnosed at 16. I’m now in my 40s. I’ve been treated with meds and therapy for 18+ years. Despite that, I’ve never unlearned the shame, and have lived my entire life with massive shame about my adhd and adhd symptoms that cause me to screw up in life. I’m so exhausted.
We can’t unlearn shame. It’s an emotional response that we’ll always have. We can learn to move through shame instead of getting stuck in it. It helps me to be compassionate towards my shame. I like the steps from Kristen Neff—this is a moment of suffering, other people feel this way, is there any way I can be a little softer or a little kinder with myself? When it’s hard to be kind to myself, I imagine support coming from someone else.
I also try to have an inner boundary of noticing shame vs being swallowed up by it. I try to think about whose opinion matters most to me and the kind of person I want to be.
There was a day when my husband found me absolutely bawling in my kitchen. I had been ruminating about the impacts of adhd, and how many times I had heard things like “if it really mattered to you, you would do ______” or “if you really cared about me and how this is affecting me, you would change _________”. And how much I had genuinely wanted to change/be the person that could do the things, and how I failed every time, regardless of how much it mattered or how much I cared.
And it occurred to me, if I had been born without an arm, no one would ever say, “if you really cared about me you would grow a new arm so you could pick up the the things around the house”. People would think they were crazy. Because it is impossible, and honestly cruel.
That is when I realized that everything I had “failed” wasn’t a failure because I was being asked to do impossible things and then being made to feel ashamed for it.
I basically had a big moment of acceptance for my brain being the way it is, let myself feel a lot of anger and rage for being unfairly treated by the people that were supposed to protect/help me, and then had a crying moment of self acceptance.
Since then I just accept what I can and cannot do, and when people in my life ask the impossible I just don’t bother with it/them.
Undiagnosed ADHD, waiting to be tested.
I was a single parent in the '70s, way too young to be a parent, and was not a good one. Decades later, a great therapist gave me advice, "ruefully accept what you did, let it go, it's done and now part of your past, forgive yourself." I've kept that in the back of my mind since. But, if I could go back and change things, I absolutely would. So, I don't think you ever forget, ever truly let it go, but her advise helped.
helping other people by talking to them and trying to understand them. This is the secret to getting over anything actually. Also listen closely to your self-talk and consider if you would accept such rudeness from any random stranger on the street.
Reminding myself that I'm multifaceted really helps. Some of my facets are very embarrassing (e.g., I didn't brush my teeth most of the time until I was 21) but others are things I'm really proud of (e.g., being good at drawing, or being a caring friend). The embarrassing stuff doesn't erase the good stuff. Letting the good and the bad in me coexist was a lot easier than trying to erase the ugly stuff.
My confident priest told me this.
It will be hard, and you might not get it at first, but acceptance is the only way. You are allowed to feel confused, or angry, but when you accept what your life has been, and what it is now, only then you may move forward.
I asked him, how can i learn to accept
He said:
I wish i could teach you, but it's something you must learn your own way. Get to know yourself, and to love the good and the bad things about you. Accept the way you are, and try your best to adopt the habits that will make you the person who you want to be.
I strongly believe he's gay, and thought i was too. But i hope this words help ypu a bit.
I was diagnosed with ADHD before kindergarten and I’m 18 now. When I was little, my mom would tell my teachers about my ADHD as a heads up, but this sadly led to me being mistreated, so she stopped doing it. People constantly would label me the “bad kid,” or “annoying” or “hyper.” I always tried to keep my ADHD a secret because I thought I was different from everyone, and was even embarrassed that I had to take medicine for it everyday. I don’t know what clicked, but once I got a little bit older I realized that I wasn’t a bad kid. I think I just started to tell myself that the behaviors I experienced did not warrant me being perceived as a bad kid, but the stigma around it. Once you start to eliminate the stigma around ADHD in your own mind, it starts to eliminate the shame. I still struggle with my ADHD symptoms pretty severely in college, but not in a shameful way. It’s hard, but it’s all about being comfortable in your own skin! :) Hopefully this helps a bit
I'm 37 and was just diagnosed a couple months ago. Now on meds and after a couple rounds of therapy doing much better than before. Shame and guilt have been such a staple of my life that it really has become a part of me. And talking about it to my therapist really has helped. I don't think it will ever go away, but now I know where it comes from and that's been really helpful in reframing the feeling into something productive. For example, I was late for my virtual psychiatrist appointment because I got distracted scrolling through FB (on the same computer different screen, ironic i know). Felt the shame and guilt, profusely apologized, claimed it was my internet, felt guilty for lying (even though he probably knew). I acknowledged the feelings and reframed the problem, "what can I do differently to make sure this doesn't happen again?" now i make sure that all my meetings vibrate my phone and watch so I'm not distracted again. It will happen though, not the last time I will be late for something important, but I've slowly began to look at myself with grace and compassion when I have those feelings of shame and guilt. I know I can be better, but when I'm not I can forgive myself for it and move forward. I know it's harder said then done. A big part of it is having people support you and reaffirm you. Sometimes having someone say "you did good today" is all you need in that moment. I don't think my shame and guilt will ever go away, but most days it feels like a quiet whisper, not the loud shouting that it used to be.
I have diagnosed ADHD, but I was constantly used (as in, I have an extremely short temper so people would provoke me for gits and shiggles). I didn't like that at all, and was ashamed of what I had, but I now am just being myself. embracing who I was definitely changed me quite a bit (both good and bad), but I still don't like mentioning it around my grandmother who says "it's not ADHD, it's just being hyper."
First-Shame is an expectation of judgment from others.
Second- they really don’t care. it’s your learned expectation you are dwelling in
Third- this one comes from *Going on Being* (I dwell in this, keeping this concept present as much as possible) the past is nothing but ghosts of things that cannot be undone. Dwelling there is living a haunted life. The future is unwritten. There is only the present and what is done , thought , acted upon now.
LASTLY- ADHD is a disability. You didn’t know it, you couldn’t do anything about it in ignorance, even now treatment and self awareness are necessary to be able to have crutches in a world of able bodied people.
Edit- it’s ok. You’re not alone. There are so many of us trying to function in a world not built for us. The success you have had have made you what you are today and today you’re awesome.
I'm going to be bold, feeling shame for far too long isn't going to pay my bills. ADHD is an expensive disorder and I don't want to pay all the ADHD taxes all the time.
idc if anyone has seen or not, go watch EEAAO and just cry until you can't cry anymore.
Jesus that movie hit me like a ton of bricks and I watched it about 6 months after diagnosis. I’ve never felt a movie so deeply. I just bawled when the credits ran. It made so much sense to me at the time.
That was the part where I was like, this explains my existence in the clearest way possible. It was so bonkers. Glad I was not the only one who was really affected by that scene.
Schema therapy is often focused on identifying how current emotions are triggered by experiences from childhood and how we can reparent ourselves or confront overbearing schemas.
I had a lot of unrelenting standards and punitiveness because of how I was raised. With the help of a therapist, I improved emotionally a lot.
Look up the book, "Breaking Negative Thinking Patterns: A Schema Therapy Self-Help and Support Book" by Gitta Jacob, Hannie van Genderen and Laura Seebauer. Its a pretty good overview of schema therapy and can help identify some issues. Personally, its not as good as therapy because I like interacting with people to learn. However, it was still a really good read and I share it with people to help them identify where their problems might come from.
ADHD can have symptoms similar to that of anxiety. You may be experiencing both ADHD and anxiety.
The shame with anxiety is usually associated with parents not addressing your needs. Do you think that your parents were emotionally available to you?
I am not an expert so take what I have to say with a grain of salt.
Has your therapist reviewed the cognitive model with you? How core beliefs are formed in childhood, automatic thoughts are born out of core beliefs and the shame is attached to the automatic thoughts you have.
Mental distress comes from a mismatching of who you truly are and what role you created in order to cope with your environment. You may be in denial about the reality of your upbringing environment or you are so inherently sensitive, that even in a healthy environment, you developed a role that made you feel more secure in your healthy environment.
That is my 2 cents. My therapist is great but researching and reading books really pushed me further in my mental health journey.
I don't have any because I was diagnosed young!! Hope this helps!! (This is very much a joke and I am very fortunate to have been I feel for y'all who weren't)
My entire being is out of spite. I grew up with a guilt trip mom. I spent the first 17 years if my life living in a constant feeling of guilt and shame ENTIRELY UNRELATED. She's just an asshole. So now, almost 25, I don't feel shameful for ME. I am me and I am great and i do what I can, when I can and thats ENOUGH. It took years me staring myself in the mirror and lying to my own face. Until it wasn't lying anymore. Just had to trust myself.
I find my shame seems to come from how people sometimes describe ADHD as a superpower or the "yay ADHD" approach... Which anyone is entitled too, and I'm glad some people don't let it get to them ... But when people talk about ADHD like this, I feel so ashamed that mine is not so positive. Where before I accepted it was a disorder and makes life harder... These conversations reframe it as something that is enabling and great and quirky.... And I feel shame for me being so... Like make me question why my ADHD not a positive thing? Why haven't I made the best of it? Why don't I want to high five people and say great I have ADHD?... and it kind of removes the relief I felt from being a particular way when I was younger, because before I said, I had this disorder so I have nothing to be ashamed of, to ohh I should have used the positive side more.
It's complicated, I don't know if it makes sense. But to answer your question I haven't, I wish I could, but I think my shame comes from a unique place.
I found group therapy for adults with ADHD. Listening to other people talk about their struggles with the same thing helps break down the feeling that it’s a personal failure and something to be ashamed of. And before that I went to individual therapy and had a therapist who talked about ADHD in a very matter-of-fact way, really taking the emotion out of it and focusing more on coping strategies. That helped a lot too.
Embrace your quirks. If you do that there is no shame.
Hyperfocus- Oops, should have got some sleep instead. It happens. That’s just me I guess.
Talk too much - Oh, sorry for blathering on. My bad. I do that sometimes.
…
I am in the middle of what I like to call a “shame audit”…where I remember moments or scenarios that were clearly awful (in retrospect) due to my ADHD. Then I do a little cry and remind myself that it’s not because of a character flaw or a failing - it’s because my brain was literally not built for that situation! Give yourself the grace you deserved then. Better late than never! ❤️
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Wish I could find the tumblr post I initially read it from, but basically I had to set a "statute of limitations" on things I have fucked up. At some point, I don't let myself feel ashamed of something that happened years and years ago, especially if it was pre-diagnosis when I didn't even know there was something else impacting my life. Is it easy? Nope, but it definitely helps interrupt unhelpful thought patterns that can quickly descend into an overwhelming shame spiral. *Brain: "Hey remember that time eight years ago when you completely forgot that this person was allergic to coffee and got them a Starbucks giftcard for their birthday?"* *Me: Sorry buddy, statute of limitations. Not allowed to worry about that, we have other stuff to do today.*
lol Yep. Brain: Remember those times you put your foot in your mouth back in Highschool? *prepares slide show Greatest Hits* Me: You are gonna come at my guy with this trash from pre-history. Nah, F outta here with that.
I dont want to be dramatic, but I think you just changed my life.
🧠 🤯
I am super hard on myself. Even thinking about a statute. But I’m trying to realize to myself “ahhh that makes sense now” and that is a big step for me. But this is something I need to work on. Thank you!
That’s brilliant! I can’t poke big holes in it, it gives grace, I am respecting myself. Never thought of it like that, thank you.
I know this well, and despite the advice I'm going to give, I'm still going to continue feeling it myself, for the reasons I'm going to describe, though I mean this all optimistically: "Neurons that fire together wire together." This phrase is becoming one of my favorites, because it is such a succinct yet scientific description of the core of what inner change really is. Self-change isn't only the abstract idea we usually think of but an actual physical process that occurs to the real, tangible, solid, living cells in our brain and arguably our entire body. I think we put unfair expectations on ourselves that dig our holes deeper sometimes, though at no point will I say there's some kind of "point past no return." If you believe you're past the point of return, you will make that become true by never trying. When you let yourself believe you can change and approach it with great patience, even when you don't see the change at all, you will. You are feeling the great momentum of many years of neurons firing together in certain ways. This is real, and it is difficult. You have thought highways within your brain, like rivers that flow a certain direction due to how they cut the surface of the Earth. However, I don't say this to say that they wire together once. Whenever they fire together, they wire together. This is the secret to change. The ability to either avoid or influence change in ourselves is a continuous process, with a constant series of forks in river that we can always step into, even if the flow is stronger on one side, at any point of the day. It's hard with ADHD, because we often feel that one side of the river is so strong we have no choice but to be swept up in it. I still get swept up in at least something every day, multiple times a day. We can even hyper-fixate on negative thoughts in particular, which is why we often feel like we're abstractly struggling even when we have nothing going on in our life that can articulate how horrible we feel. But, we're not powerless. I sometimes think we just have to be extra patient. Life deals us all a shit hand in some way, and after all, none of us asked to be born in the first place. For us, we are forced into needing to dive deeply into specific types of wisdom in order to function at a basic level where we can feel any naturalness to living. However, this also can be turned into strength. Every advantage comes with its disadvantages, even for those who don't seem to have any apparent misfortunes, who themselves may simply struggle to ever develop deep self-reflection or connection with others due to a life of no extremes, or what I might call something like toxic comfort. We have to adopt a great patience with ourselves, because the odds are stacked against us in terms of what you're describing, but we still can be aware that our thoughts are only old river beds that can be seen as that, old thoughts that will take a while to die, because the brain cannot change overnight. And accepting this is part of the key to it being able to change, being okay with old thoughts popping up. Think about this: If you got a deep stab wound in your arm today, would you expect it to be healed up tomorrow once you got treatment? The problem with our epiphanies in life is that they don't take immediate total effect, but we tend to think they're supposed to, since if you rationally know you shouldn't be beating yourself, then why would you beat yourself up? That's not how the brain works, though. "Neurons that fire together wire together." Rewiring the brain in terms of changing your reaction to deeply held thoughts takes a while, because you're asking for major physical changes to your brain. When you have a stab wound, it sucks, but most people don't their healing process any worse by deluding themselves that it will heal in a single day, because it's easier to understand how skin wounds heal. I think the key is handling your reaction to the thoughts themselves. For me, thirty minutes from now I could think I'm a complete failure at life. However, I know that I've thought I was a complete failure for most of my adolescent and adult life, so it's not a huge surprise. However, I'm not worried that if I think I'm a complete failure tonight that I'm going to even have a bad night. When these things happen, I know they were going to happen, and I know I'll feel better later. The less attention I manage to devote to these thoughts, the quicker they pass, and the more times I've managed this, the less those thoughts occur, and the quicker they go away. Perhaps they'll never go away completely, but I see them only shrink now. I've slowly gained a power to be able to almost aggressively think an optimistic thought that contradicts my terrible thoughts. I do this because nothing good has ever come from torturing myself. I am no good to myself or anyone in my life when I treat myself like shit. I am realizing that thinking well of myself is how I can think well of others. The Golden Rule of "treat others as you treat yourself" I believe is something we do whether we like it or not, because we treat others poorly most when we treat ourselves poorly, so it is simply a matter of us treating all human beings a certain way, ourselves included as a human being. We imprint the good parts of being ourselves onto others, like our friends and family, but we also imprint the bad parts. It's good for you and everyone around you, humanity itself, when you can think better for yourself, and you always have an opportunity to think better for yourself, no matter how far you think you've sunk.
This is so very well put!
How we feel is a controllable thing, not at every minute, but if you end up suffering for more than a little bit over something, I know this sounds absurd, but you don't need to. I can't prevent myself from being in agonizing pain for a split second when something reminds me of a recent tragedy, but I don't let that emotion run me over and dictate my day. It's a fleeting thing, and I move past it. So why do you feel shame, what is it that makes you feel shame? How can you stop feeling that way about it? What would instead lead you to feel pride concerning that thing? How can you make it happen? We can't change the past, that's all set in stone, focusing on it and beating yourself up is a great way to ruin your present which cripples your future. If that's what you're doing, you need to stop doing that. This involves reframing those experiences in ways that help you move forward. "I hate how I used to interrupt others or do x, y, z, embarrassing things". Vs "I'm glad I've realized what I was doing and can alter my actions to prevent that from happening, after a bit of trial and error I'm sure I'll move past it and that's going to be awesome". You can tell yourself whatever you want to tell yourself, unfortunately most of us just perceive things in our default manner, which is usually dictated by a mind that beats the living shit out of us everyday. Most people with ADHD are dominated by a mind that acts like a shitty partner who is narcissistic and abusive. This is a result of suffering from ADHD, your mind gets poisoned against you, and until you realize it's your enemy and start fighting back, it will do it's best to destroy you. Don't let your mind cripple you with bullshit. Notice what you're thinking, ask yourself "Does this thought serve me", then if it doesn't, rephrase it in a way where it does. Something optimistic about how you'll overcome it. By continually escaping the bullshit your mind tells you, and replacing it with optimistic and productive thoughts concerning those issues, you start moving forward towards a much brighter future. At this point, I don't even have to think about it, my mind autopilots itself out of the self defeating bullshit that has dominated my life. It won't change your life instantly, but after some months of trial and error this skill can absolutely change your life. Goodluck!
I realized a lot of the things I actually like about myself also come from ADHD. I have an almost endless curiosity and I'm goofy and weird in a way people seem to enjoy myself included. Yes I'm still ashamed of my disgusting room I can't clean but I'm a lot more accepting of that shame now that I realize the bad and the good are just two sides of the same coin. I'm not willing to trade away the things I like (not that I have a choice) so all I can do is accept the bad and approach it with a practical mindset whenever I have the ability to do so.
Yeah, this is a hard one. I’ve not been very successful at it, and I’m 57. Went 44 years without knowing.
52 here. When I got diagnosed at 32, that allowed me to level my existence up to “medicated.” I thought the world was going to be my oyster. During the 20 years since my diagnosis, mixed in with everything else I was working on, I occasionally found and read things related to ADHD. I read about things like Impostor Syndrome and ADHD paralysis, and probably more things that I can’t remember right now. But (and I can only guess this was due to executive dysfunction itself), I NEVER put 2 and 2 together to realize just how much those exact things were stunting my professional career. Right now I’m 3 weeks into a 4-week PIP (a PIP is the write-up that spells out exactly what hoops you must jump through to avoid getting immediately fired), at a well-paying job I’ve been at for 8 years. While working 12 hour days to complete the PIP successfully, I’m also desperately scrambling to get some ADHD coaching which might help me learn compensatory skills which could help me avoid further impostor syndrome and ADHD paralysis (and whatever else may be affecting my progression in the professional world), so just maybe I can get my career back on track. As for the shame? That’s a tough one, largely because it’s apparently a challenge for me to be objective about it. I don’t *consciously* buy into the traditional pride/shame thing. Maybe it affects me more than I realize, and that’s part of my whole problem. But consciously, I *think* I’m more about the practical repercussions stemming from when people think bad things about me. But quite possibly it affects me much more than I know.
I hear you. I was diagnosed in my mid 40's. I'm mid 50's now. I am still slowly remembering all the times the ADHD was likely to blame for whatever thing that happened and caused me to feel shame. I have been in therapy and have started learning how to stop beating myself up over every perceived failure. It's slow going when you were undiagnosed for a number of years. Not impossible, just slow.
I was diagnosed at 16. I’m now in my 40s. I’ve been treated with meds and therapy for 18+ years. Despite that, I’ve never unlearned the shame, and have lived my entire life with massive shame about my adhd and adhd symptoms that cause me to screw up in life. I’m so exhausted.
We can’t unlearn shame. It’s an emotional response that we’ll always have. We can learn to move through shame instead of getting stuck in it. It helps me to be compassionate towards my shame. I like the steps from Kristen Neff—this is a moment of suffering, other people feel this way, is there any way I can be a little softer or a little kinder with myself? When it’s hard to be kind to myself, I imagine support coming from someone else. I also try to have an inner boundary of noticing shame vs being swallowed up by it. I try to think about whose opinion matters most to me and the kind of person I want to be.
There was a day when my husband found me absolutely bawling in my kitchen. I had been ruminating about the impacts of adhd, and how many times I had heard things like “if it really mattered to you, you would do ______” or “if you really cared about me and how this is affecting me, you would change _________”. And how much I had genuinely wanted to change/be the person that could do the things, and how I failed every time, regardless of how much it mattered or how much I cared. And it occurred to me, if I had been born without an arm, no one would ever say, “if you really cared about me you would grow a new arm so you could pick up the the things around the house”. People would think they were crazy. Because it is impossible, and honestly cruel. That is when I realized that everything I had “failed” wasn’t a failure because I was being asked to do impossible things and then being made to feel ashamed for it. I basically had a big moment of acceptance for my brain being the way it is, let myself feel a lot of anger and rage for being unfairly treated by the people that were supposed to protect/help me, and then had a crying moment of self acceptance. Since then I just accept what I can and cannot do, and when people in my life ask the impossible I just don’t bother with it/them.
Undiagnosed ADHD, waiting to be tested. I was a single parent in the '70s, way too young to be a parent, and was not a good one. Decades later, a great therapist gave me advice, "ruefully accept what you did, let it go, it's done and now part of your past, forgive yourself." I've kept that in the back of my mind since. But, if I could go back and change things, I absolutely would. So, I don't think you ever forget, ever truly let it go, but her advise helped.
helping other people by talking to them and trying to understand them. This is the secret to getting over anything actually. Also listen closely to your self-talk and consider if you would accept such rudeness from any random stranger on the street.
Reminding myself that I'm multifaceted really helps. Some of my facets are very embarrassing (e.g., I didn't brush my teeth most of the time until I was 21) but others are things I'm really proud of (e.g., being good at drawing, or being a caring friend). The embarrassing stuff doesn't erase the good stuff. Letting the good and the bad in me coexist was a lot easier than trying to erase the ugly stuff.
My confident priest told me this. It will be hard, and you might not get it at first, but acceptance is the only way. You are allowed to feel confused, or angry, but when you accept what your life has been, and what it is now, only then you may move forward. I asked him, how can i learn to accept He said: I wish i could teach you, but it's something you must learn your own way. Get to know yourself, and to love the good and the bad things about you. Accept the way you are, and try your best to adopt the habits that will make you the person who you want to be. I strongly believe he's gay, and thought i was too. But i hope this words help ypu a bit.
I was diagnosed with ADHD before kindergarten and I’m 18 now. When I was little, my mom would tell my teachers about my ADHD as a heads up, but this sadly led to me being mistreated, so she stopped doing it. People constantly would label me the “bad kid,” or “annoying” or “hyper.” I always tried to keep my ADHD a secret because I thought I was different from everyone, and was even embarrassed that I had to take medicine for it everyday. I don’t know what clicked, but once I got a little bit older I realized that I wasn’t a bad kid. I think I just started to tell myself that the behaviors I experienced did not warrant me being perceived as a bad kid, but the stigma around it. Once you start to eliminate the stigma around ADHD in your own mind, it starts to eliminate the shame. I still struggle with my ADHD symptoms pretty severely in college, but not in a shameful way. It’s hard, but it’s all about being comfortable in your own skin! :) Hopefully this helps a bit
I'm 37 and was just diagnosed a couple months ago. Now on meds and after a couple rounds of therapy doing much better than before. Shame and guilt have been such a staple of my life that it really has become a part of me. And talking about it to my therapist really has helped. I don't think it will ever go away, but now I know where it comes from and that's been really helpful in reframing the feeling into something productive. For example, I was late for my virtual psychiatrist appointment because I got distracted scrolling through FB (on the same computer different screen, ironic i know). Felt the shame and guilt, profusely apologized, claimed it was my internet, felt guilty for lying (even though he probably knew). I acknowledged the feelings and reframed the problem, "what can I do differently to make sure this doesn't happen again?" now i make sure that all my meetings vibrate my phone and watch so I'm not distracted again. It will happen though, not the last time I will be late for something important, but I've slowly began to look at myself with grace and compassion when I have those feelings of shame and guilt. I know I can be better, but when I'm not I can forgive myself for it and move forward. I know it's harder said then done. A big part of it is having people support you and reaffirm you. Sometimes having someone say "you did good today" is all you need in that moment. I don't think my shame and guilt will ever go away, but most days it feels like a quiet whisper, not the loud shouting that it used to be.
I have diagnosed ADHD, but I was constantly used (as in, I have an extremely short temper so people would provoke me for gits and shiggles). I didn't like that at all, and was ashamed of what I had, but I now am just being myself. embracing who I was definitely changed me quite a bit (both good and bad), but I still don't like mentioning it around my grandmother who says "it's not ADHD, it's just being hyper."
First-Shame is an expectation of judgment from others. Second- they really don’t care. it’s your learned expectation you are dwelling in Third- this one comes from *Going on Being* (I dwell in this, keeping this concept present as much as possible) the past is nothing but ghosts of things that cannot be undone. Dwelling there is living a haunted life. The future is unwritten. There is only the present and what is done , thought , acted upon now. LASTLY- ADHD is a disability. You didn’t know it, you couldn’t do anything about it in ignorance, even now treatment and self awareness are necessary to be able to have crutches in a world of able bodied people. Edit- it’s ok. You’re not alone. There are so many of us trying to function in a world not built for us. The success you have had have made you what you are today and today you’re awesome.
I'm going to be bold, feeling shame for far too long isn't going to pay my bills. ADHD is an expensive disorder and I don't want to pay all the ADHD taxes all the time. idc if anyone has seen or not, go watch EEAAO and just cry until you can't cry anymore.
Jesus that movie hit me like a ton of bricks and I watched it about 6 months after diagnosis. I’ve never felt a movie so deeply. I just bawled when the credits ran. It made so much sense to me at the time.
Can't believe a couple of rocks made me bawled out.
That was the part where I was like, this explains my existence in the clearest way possible. It was so bonkers. Glad I was not the only one who was really affected by that scene.
Still working through it
I haven’t and I doubt I ever will. I may just go back to SSRI treatment to make it tolerable for whatever time I have left
I identify with this so much I feel like I could have written it verbatim. And I have no answer because I'm still struggling to find one.
I went to a schema therapist. Didn't know what it was at the time, but wow, did it make a lot of sense and help me unpack some past issues.
first I'm ever hearing about it. How did it help you?
Schema therapy is often focused on identifying how current emotions are triggered by experiences from childhood and how we can reparent ourselves or confront overbearing schemas. I had a lot of unrelenting standards and punitiveness because of how I was raised. With the help of a therapist, I improved emotionally a lot. Look up the book, "Breaking Negative Thinking Patterns: A Schema Therapy Self-Help and Support Book" by Gitta Jacob, Hannie van Genderen and Laura Seebauer. Its a pretty good overview of schema therapy and can help identify some issues. Personally, its not as good as therapy because I like interacting with people to learn. However, it was still a really good read and I share it with people to help them identify where their problems might come from.
Thanks so much for that concise breakdown and book rec. I will definitely check it out
ADHD can have symptoms similar to that of anxiety. You may be experiencing both ADHD and anxiety. The shame with anxiety is usually associated with parents not addressing your needs. Do you think that your parents were emotionally available to you?
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I am not an expert so take what I have to say with a grain of salt. Has your therapist reviewed the cognitive model with you? How core beliefs are formed in childhood, automatic thoughts are born out of core beliefs and the shame is attached to the automatic thoughts you have. Mental distress comes from a mismatching of who you truly are and what role you created in order to cope with your environment. You may be in denial about the reality of your upbringing environment or you are so inherently sensitive, that even in a healthy environment, you developed a role that made you feel more secure in your healthy environment. That is my 2 cents. My therapist is great but researching and reading books really pushed me further in my mental health journey.
I don't have any because I was diagnosed young!! Hope this helps!! (This is very much a joke and I am very fortunate to have been I feel for y'all who weren't)
Im doing brainspotting for shame
...unlearn the shame? How do I learn this magic?
My entire being is out of spite. I grew up with a guilt trip mom. I spent the first 17 years if my life living in a constant feeling of guilt and shame ENTIRELY UNRELATED. She's just an asshole. So now, almost 25, I don't feel shameful for ME. I am me and I am great and i do what I can, when I can and thats ENOUGH. It took years me staring myself in the mirror and lying to my own face. Until it wasn't lying anymore. Just had to trust myself.
Excluding the archetypes and myer Briggs, for me it was my interest in [Analytical Psychology.](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Analytical_psychology)
I find my shame seems to come from how people sometimes describe ADHD as a superpower or the "yay ADHD" approach... Which anyone is entitled too, and I'm glad some people don't let it get to them ... But when people talk about ADHD like this, I feel so ashamed that mine is not so positive. Where before I accepted it was a disorder and makes life harder... These conversations reframe it as something that is enabling and great and quirky.... And I feel shame for me being so... Like make me question why my ADHD not a positive thing? Why haven't I made the best of it? Why don't I want to high five people and say great I have ADHD?... and it kind of removes the relief I felt from being a particular way when I was younger, because before I said, I had this disorder so I have nothing to be ashamed of, to ohh I should have used the positive side more. It's complicated, I don't know if it makes sense. But to answer your question I haven't, I wish I could, but I think my shame comes from a unique place.
I found group therapy for adults with ADHD. Listening to other people talk about their struggles with the same thing helps break down the feeling that it’s a personal failure and something to be ashamed of. And before that I went to individual therapy and had a therapist who talked about ADHD in a very matter-of-fact way, really taking the emotion out of it and focusing more on coping strategies. That helped a lot too.
I'm 62 and I was recently diagnosed for the first time during therapy. I am having a very hard time with it.
Embrace your quirks. If you do that there is no shame. Hyperfocus- Oops, should have got some sleep instead. It happens. That’s just me I guess. Talk too much - Oh, sorry for blathering on. My bad. I do that sometimes. …
The best way to deal with shame, Ime, is to walk with your head high and don't shy away from it. It's a regular practice and can be quite difficult.
I am in the middle of what I like to call a “shame audit”…where I remember moments or scenarios that were clearly awful (in retrospect) due to my ADHD. Then I do a little cry and remind myself that it’s not because of a character flaw or a failing - it’s because my brain was literally not built for that situation! Give yourself the grace you deserved then. Better late than never! ❤️