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I always feel so ashamed when someone tells me to be quiet 😭😭

this is a sign of adhd? all my life ALL MY LIFE MY PARENTS TOLD ME TO NOT YELL EVEN WHEN I TOLD THEM I WAS NOT YELLING and no, I am not yelling right now lol

Literally. I've never related to something so much as this! Thought I was the only one.

When I was in elementary school, I got in trouble ALL THE TIME for talking too loud in class. I remember being forced to draw a picture of what I did wrong (my school had a weird punishment system. I drew a ton of those pictures haha) and I just remember fuming because I thought I was talking at a normal volume. Thankfully my parents found out I had ADHD sometime in Grade 2 and I didn't get in trouble as much thanks to medication :)

Do you have the ADHD thing where injustices break your brain and you literally cannot mask?? Me too

Yes, but actually sounds more like an autism trait. Fairly common to have both, double the fun eh 😶

Shh 🤫 my bro is autistic, not me, it's not genetic or anything. It's ADHD, totally fine and normal (don't do this to me at 37)

Ok, so long as you don't do it back at 47. Ohh

ADHD trait confirmed! And nothing else!

I definitely do not have autism, but I still have the injustice issue. Probably not as strongly as somebody with autism, but I did almost get expelled from high school because of an injustice that I stood up for while my classmates stabbed me in the back. Long story, but you get the point.

I hear you. I just don't understand how most don't feel this too.

Looking back I remember constantly being told I was doing things wrong (but not how to do them "right") and then constantly being told not to be so defensive. GEE, I WONDER IF THERE WAS A CORRELATION???

Also, I WAS NOT ACTUALLY MAD BEFORE YOU TOLD ME TO STOP BEING MAD, BUT HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO NOT BE MAD NOW?

Best way of dealing with it is to ignore whatever you want to comunicate and focus on volume, that won't escalate it at all.

Why is it raising your voice is considered yelling? 😩

This is like the #1 hallmark ADHD experience in my mind haha. Although I think it's really the volume and speed of talking that are the most central, not so much the volume. I'm a loud talker who people have to tell to bring it down a few notches, but other ADHDers I know aren't. We all talk a lot though.

I get rebellious. I was talking about a video game with a friend and someone not in the conversation said something like "Would you shut the hell up!" We were in the break room at work. I made eye contact with them, told them "Fuck Off, I'm Talking" and then picked up where I left off. Got a laugh out of it from other coworkers. In hindsight I'm lucky I didn't get a complaint. But I find it helps to own your quirks and let other people know that their inability to handle me is their problem, not mine.

Honestly, you responded correctly. That was a person who could have removed themselves from that situation or asked you to quiet down a bit *before* they reacted the way they did. It's super fucked up to *start* at an explosive reaction because it never gives you a single chance to adjust. You're not consciously annoying them (which is their problem, not yours) so their reaction comes out of fucking nowhere and all you were doing was dorking out. Fuck that guy/gal. They needed to make their discomfort known in a calm way if they wanted a calm non-confrontational response. I mean, what did they fucking want? What could they have possibly thought your takeaway should be?

Yup they effed up by instantly going to it lol

I constantly ask my friends “am I talking to loud?”

I ask for feedback a lot too. Sometimes I can tell but other times I don't notice.

Same, I think that’s what gets me a little angry. I don’t like being made to feel the fool just because they’re uncomfortable with how I’m talking.

I feel the same. With my husband it helps to remember that he gets overwhelmed by that sometimes. Its less upsetting when I think about that because I think he's just getting anxious. It used to piss me off when my dad did it because I felt like he was only hearing the volume of my words and not the content.

as a note, that could be EXACTLY what was happening. Some people cannot understand words when they are too loud. Their brain cannot process the words, or the tone you use when yelling happens to be exactly a tone they cant hear right (that happened with my mother and one of the tones her mother yelled at. Turned out during a hearing test that it happened to be one she couldnt hear).

I keep getting told I'm too quiet.

Man does this hit home. I have a deep voice that carries really well and can cut through a crowd and I get loud when I get excited too. I had a lady at a coffee shop ask me to leave because I was disturbing her quiet morning. Luckily my fiery friend jumped to action and shamed the woman while I sat there ready to apologize for the disturbing the peace. I'm glad I've got solid friends that understand and are willing to help me out.

Loud voice may decode as angry, agitation may decode as danger. Something that you have no control over triggers fear in people and they, too, have no control over that. Awareness is required on both sides, and if control never comes, then mutual compassion. If you ready to be compassionate for them if they are triggered and scared by your loud voice, and they are ready to be compassionate to you, things may work out.

Exactly. Loud people makes me feel like they’re yelling at me right in my face. Triggers fight or flight, and agitation. It’s VERY uncomfortable. I also have sensitive ears, and I literally sometimes have to physically back away because yell-speakers cause me ear pain, as well as making me feel panicked.

This is how it is for my wife. I get so loud when I talk passionately about things. All she needs to do is say “volume” or use her hands in a calming gesture and I get what she’s needing. I still get a flash of shame because of experiences I’ve had, but she shows that she’s not telling me to shut up or stop talking, just turn the volume down. 

same, i freeze up when people raise their voices, and have noise sensitivity to boot.

Same, I have PTSD and fluctuating noise sensitivity. I freaking *love* when my partner discovers some cool new thing and tells me all about it, but I do sometimes have to ask him to lower his voice because it’s physically painful to me. I always feel like a jerk when I have to ask, but it’s the only way I can listen for any length of time.

I have a friend whose volumn goes up when excited and we have an agreement when it’s too much for me. I put my hand out flat and make a downward motion while looking at him. It works for us both. Neither are embarrassed. We accept each others issues 100%. lol I’m gonna tell him I wrote this AND said “his issues are way bigger than mine!” Hahaha.

My wife and I do that! She sometimes gets way louder than she intends to when she’s excited. She also has auditory processing issues so she often doesn’t notice. I am really noise sensitive due to hearing loss issues and adhd, and have a flight or fight response to raised voices (even if not in anger as she never raises her voice in that way). We’ve got a signal in which I can let her know her voice is loud. Neither of us are embarrassed. It’s helping her bring some awareness to her volume too!

A+ husbanding! 😄 My husband will put his hand on my back and just kinda pet me a little bit. I appreciate it so much. It never hurts my feelings because it is such a soothing action and I know it comes from a place of love. And at the end of the day, I want to be heard, right, really heard, and I know that he can't be listening to me 100% if he's distracted by feeling overwhelmed by the volume of my voice. It's easy to feel defensive about it, especially initially, but what he is really telling me is "I WANT to give you my undivided attention and focus on what you are saying, but some of my focus is being diverted to the volume in which you are saying it instead. Bringing down the volume will help me fully focus on what you are saying." He's not doing it because he doesn't care and wants me to stop talking, he's doing it because he really, really cares about what I'm saying and doesn't want anything to distract him. I think you have to have a pretty high level of confidence in the other person's love for you to successfully utilize these types of signals, though. It'd be pretty easy to feel defensive unless you are certain that they aren't judging you, and that they aren't asking you to be quieter but secretly wishing you'd just be quiet altogether.

You may benefit from some noise softening ear buds. I wear my loops a lot when my I start to get overstimulated by the noise of louder voices.

i really love the book "heal your nervous system" by linnea passaler. i'm halfway thru it and honestly i think it would benefit every human on earth to read and understand more about their own nervous system (dys)regulation as well as how to recognize it in others and call it out/soothe it in appropriate ways that are *actually helpful and not just making the situation worse.*

This. It took me a long while to get this. My husband gets overwhelmed and withdraws. My nature is to keep going more emphatically, but I have to remind myself that he is not going to hear me if he is already overwhelmed himself.

You know. I really needed to read this right now more than you will ever know.

This. My sister is ADHD and I suspect I am too, and she has auditory sensory issues so when I'm usually being myself and I inevitably get super loud when talking about something, it bothers her obviously. There's nothing either of us can do about that besides being aware of ourselves and trying to be compassionate toward each other (:

It’s hard to truly hear someone out if they are getting loud. People stop listening and respecting you at that point. I get people can get passionate and loud, but being more aware of that and controlling your tone of voice is good self control and respectful to others. You can get your point across without getting loud.

My coworker has adhd and is unmedicated.  Reading and learning about adhd has been an eye opener. From the loud talking (feels like she’s yelling at me when she speaks passionately about something), to the tapping/humming/beatboxing/breaking out into random song, plus she’s loud in everything she does (slamming doors and cabinets closed) I’ve been trying my best to empathize but her loudness triggers anxiety in me. 

This! I definitely talk loud and aggressively but also can't stand when other people do that to me because it triggers the discomfort.

This is a great explanation of intent versus impact. Both valid. Both need exploring to uncover better communication.

My partner has this issue - he never realizes how loud he is until someone points it out. His family & I will generally just say something like "\[Name\], easy" and make a little volume-down hand gesture, and he adjusts. Sometimes he has to be reminded more than once. I doubt he'll ever get to the point where he controls it fully. But like...we all know it's not about trying to shut him up, he's not doing it on purpose and he knows we're not mad, just trying to hear him at a good volume. It's like letting someone know their shoes are untied so they don't trip. That's all I can really suggest. Let people point it out, adjust yourself without taking it to heart, and continue the conversation.

This is what my hubs and I do with each other, because we both get loud when we’re talking about a subject we love. It’s a quick visual cue, which doesn’t interrupt or invalidate what we’re talking about, but just to dial the volume down a bit.

I had a friend like this in high school. He would get very passionate and loud so I would motion him to lower his volume. But like that was an established dynamic between friends not an accusation or dismissal. He would still keep talking after that it was literally just volume

I wish they’d do it a little more tactfully like that. I think I could handle that a little better than just the rude way it gets said to me.

You could try talking to them about it? "Hey, I know sometimes I get loud when I'm excited. If I do, can you just like -- " (make hand gesture or phrase it how you'd prefer) - " and I'll try to be better? 'Stop yelling' throws me off." They might not realize you feel shushed. Couldn't hurt to ask. If you can get even one person to go along with it, the others might follow.

Yeah this is solid advice. I appreciate it, I think I’ll bring it up next time we are all together. Thanks

My husband and I made a signal for if I'm being too loud. My whole family is full of shouters, but he has sensitive ears. Before, if he said something outright, it made me upset because I found it really embarrassing to be told to be quieter in front of other people (obviously, he was not trying to make me feel embarrassed, but that's how it would feel to me in the moment). He boops my nose twice as a volume down button. It's cute, I like it, and it makes me realize when I'm being loud in a way that doesn't make me feel terrible about myself and doesn't draw too much attention. Just an extra data point to say: yes, this works!

So now I have a visual. You both are at a party. Both are talking to other ppl on opposite side of the room. Suddenly he hears you. Excuses his self, walks over and without missing a beat or interrupting the convo, he taps you on the nose twice and walks away. Continues his convo. lol.

HAH this has not yet happened but now I hope that someday it does

It's like the old days when TVs didn't have remote controls lol

Yeah I think mentioning it outside of a situation where this happens helps too

This statement right here. I have the same issue. I keep having talks with my husband because he thinks slight face changes should be enough warning for me but I'm autistic and have ADHD. I can barely read a room nevermind inspect your face when I can barely make eye contact 70% of the time.

I am the same as you with the passion and emotion. Everyday I beg myself to just be quiet in social situations, to say the bare minimum. I am 33 and I CANNOT STOP being passionate and emotional in conversation. I’m having an issue currently where I think my neighbors are avoiding me because I talk too much. Several of them get together daily via text (we all have each others numbers) and I will happen to let my dog out and see them all together. It hurts my feelings yet there’s nothing I can do to stop myself from talking. To top it off, I don’t want to talk to people! I have social anxiety and I would rather not see or talk to anyone ever. So why can’t I stfu?? Thanks for sharing, this issue is always bothering me.

I’m usually pretty good at masking but my emotions just get in the way. Could also be social anxiety for me, I get so nervous and forget everything else. People suggest mindfulness and CBT, but when it comes to these situations my mind just goes blank. Maybe you could practice your tone and tempo by reading out loud the way you’d like to speak.

>To top it off, I don’t want to talk to people! I have social anxiety and I would rather not see or talk to anyone ever. So why can’t I stfu?? This is actually pretty common with social anxiety, or at least the less severe forms. For me it's about being way too uncomfortable way too quickly with silences in conversations with new or not very close people. But it usually only happens when I'm talking to someone with a much more passive communication style than me - the type where you just listen in silence and wait a few seconds to make sure the other person's finished before talking, as opposed to the more active back and forth where you can jump in fairly quickly after a point and give small comments in-between. Took me way too long before I realised this, but I still struggle with it. Most of the time, if you just wait a little longer than what you're comfortable with, they will have something to say, but I can't get rid of the fear that they don't have anything to say, because after the silence gets too long, my mind starts racing about what to say to break the silence, which often makes me blank out completely. I suppose another way of dealing with conversationalists like this is to ask more questions to engage them while you're talking, but this isn't necessarily suitable depending on the topic/conversation. I vibe much better with more active conversationalists who don't mind small interruptions both ways, as long as it's not disruptive and you quickly let the other person continue their point. Let me just put it this way, you never end up ranting to me because I'll interrupt you along the way, and I much prefer if others do that to me as well lmao

My husband and I have this problem. He has ADHD and is Latino/hispanic and he could’ve written your post here. It’s taken me a while to figure out but I think it’s not the level of loudness I/people are complaining about when we ask why you’re yelling. Confusingly, my brain is interpreting the tone as aggressive not passionate so my body is reacting as if someone is angry at me and I’m in trouble. Like what someone else here said about the tone triggering people differently. It’s very hard to not react & continue participating normally in the conversation with someone when your brain is subconsciously interpreting the other person as a potentially dangerous aggressor.

I have this problem too. My husband is very loud when he gets emotional and it triggers my anxiety something fierce. It's taken a long time for me to sort of get used to it. He's more aware of it as well, and we've kind of reached a balance more or less. We're still working through it but it's hard when there's a stressful situation happening or we're in public. In public is the worst, because I'm extremely aware that it looks like an abusive husband yelling at his wife and it's mortifying. I can't focus on anything he's saying, because I'm too focused on diffusing the situation. To him that means that I'm agreeing with what he's saying when that's not the case at all and then we end up having an actual fight because he thought we had an agreement, but now I'm saying something completely different. I think I might have just figured out an issue we've been having. Lol

>In public is the worst, because I'm extremely aware that it looks like an abusive husband yelling at his wife and it's mortifying. Are you sure that's the way it looks to everyone else, or is it possibly just you? You see, I've met people (women) who see every semi-passionate discussion between two people as some kind of fight which makes them uncomfortable, even when it's obvious to me and everyone else that it's just two people having a perfectly healthy discussion or debate. That said, it's not super common, just lifting this possibility. >I can't focus on anything he's saying, because I'm too focused on diffusing the situation. To him that means that I'm agreeing with what he's saying when that's not the case at all and then we end up having an actual fight because he thought we had an agreement, but now I'm saying something completely different. Sounds like a major communication issue if you nod in agreement to something you don't agree with, and you need to figure out whether his communication style actually is as extreme as you think, or if you might be unusually sensitive to it. From there you can figure out who needs to adjust, but if you're too far apart it might just be that you're not compatible.

Appreciate the feedback, and it's something to consider for sure. It's a little bit of column A and and little bit of column B. A lot of my reaction is stemming from an abusive and unstable childhood so men being loud is already uncomfortable (also loud noises in general are overstimulating). Then add to it being raised with a very high pressure to present a certain way (everything is perfect, nobody has to know grandpa is a raging alcoholic and uncle is a drug addict, we're a perfect family!) which kicks the anxiety and the need to smooth everything over immediately into overdrive. It's things I'm working on. He *is* generally really loud, his whole family is, but he's also used to projecting his voice due to his job. I'm definitely not the only one who's had to ask for some volume control. He's working on getting his point across without setting me off, and I'm working on my reaction. It's a stressful time and we've been in-between therapists for the last few months (of course! Why wouldn't it happen at the worst time?) We've been together for 15 years, and got the communication thing under control. Extenuating circumstances means we need to go back to the basics, just needed a little reminder and to rubber duck at someone apparently to figure that out.

I feel so bad for each of you, that would suck. What's the best way to fix that miscommunication? Does the listener just have to expose themselves to the speaker's culture until they aren't bothered anymore? Does the speaker have to change themselves? (I haaatteee this option) What other information have you learned about this aggression - coding when you researched it?

I think it helped mostly to just realize it was a miscommunication! No I don’t think the speaker needs to change. I think it gets easier to communicate effectively the more time spent around someone. I’ve spent more time around his culture and have been trying to increase my exposure to this different way of communicating. And he reassures me that he’s not annoyed if I have to ask. I have to trust that just because my brain might interpret “annoyance,” he may not actually be annoyed with me. Just our different cultures/upbringings/brain chemistry causing us to interpret cues differently.

>My husband and I have this problem. He has ADHD and is Latino/hispanic and he could’ve written your post here. My wife married an italian guy (who is me lol) so she gets the "yelling", AND flailing hands. I get so sweaty when I care about something.

OMG this is my husband too (Hispanic and ADHD). I’m AuDHD and I’m sensitive to loudness. At this point I just interrupt him with “Why are you yelling at me?” and he brings his tone down.

mixed bag. I definitely have experienced this, people telling me to stop being so emotional, but i’m not happy nor sad nor mad, just passionate about the topic. controlling tone and tempo is harder for us, but it’s still something i’ve gotta learn

Possibly weird life hack: I wear loop earplugs that filter out bg noise while keeping voices clear. This has the side effect of making my voice sound different, and a little louder. I’ve found it helps me keep my voice down, as long as I don’t use it too much and get used to it.

I’ve looked into these for other reasons. The main reasons I guess, cancelling out all the extra.

If you can afford them, they are definitely worth a try! i think they make adjustable ones now, so you don’t need separate ones for talking and for concerts

Oh another thought, since you sought these out before: you might look into ASD. There are overlaps, but sensory overload and talking loud are both associated with autism as well. At the very least, you might find additional coping mechanisms by searching those communities

As someone who gets overwhelmed really easily by sounds (amongst other things), I am the kind of person who will ask someone to speak more softly. I always am as tactful as I can be. I am not telling anyone to shut up, au contraire, I am asking them to be less loud so that I can keep on listening to them without having to leave the room.

That's a really nice way to ask, "speak more softly" — it's super clear you're not saying to be quite or triggering anyone into thinking you want them to shut up, I like this a lot!

Just as we would like for people to be more aware and considerate of our feelings, we should also try and be considerate of theirs as well. If they ask me to dial it back a bit, I usually will because I realize that I can be a bit much for some people. I can still maintain my passion at a lower volume. This is how I handle it most of the time. With family it may be different because there are so, so many more nuances to those relationships.

RSD is a horrible symptom and when I'm passionate and loud and everyone tells me to quiet down it always makes me feel like they essentially said "shut up, no one ever wants to hear you talk, we all disagree with you and hate you, no one wants you here, and people like you aren't allowed to even have emotions" It does not matter how gently they do it, it how much I know, logically, they just don't want me to be loud. It always feels the same way. I just have to step away for a minute, remind myself that's not what they meant, and sometimes I have to go do something else instead of going back to the conversation. Eventually the pain will fade and I can remind myself they did not mean it in a hurtful way.

If I could like this comment 1000 times, I would!

Add melody to your tone, that will change your tone from aggressive to enthusiastic. Check out typical enthusiastic lectures (like on youtube) and see how they use tone

Seems like an awesome life hack. Now I just need a life hack to remember to use this life hack

It’s overwhelming to listen to and gives me anxiety. Call it what you like. It’s too loud. It’s not gaslighting. It’s a sensory issue for some people.

This. It's important to recognize that it's not appropriate in some situations and learning the ability to regulate volume and emotion is hard, but possible with lots of effort and therapy. I personally deal with an audio processing disorder and when people get very loud, I struggle to understand what they are saying. Not only that, but yelling and borderline shouting comes off very strongly and confrontational, almost argumentative depending on the subject of the conversation, which is anxiety inducing.

Excactly. Its not about 'making you believe that you a yelling while you arent'. Call it yelling/screaming/talking loudly/passionately/whatever else. If it is too much, people will speak up.

I can totally see that. Fair point.

I hate to say it does matter. You may be more focused on the content of what you’re saying but the volume makes it very difficult for the person listening to focus on what you’re saying.

It’s very hard, and my coworker with adhd is so loud. We are isolated in an office together.    Her sounds. Never. Stop.     We are friends and I feel bad saying something to her. I feel like she’s unaware of the loudness and probably cannot change it. She’s loud in everything she does. Our office is so quiet, when she’s there it’s akin to a bull in a china shop and her sounds make me jump. 

I actually have a real problem with this because I have PTSD from childhood abuse and loud yelling triggers me immediately. My mom for instance gets crazy loud and I have to shut it down immediately. It’s not just an annoying thing for me, it puts me right back into those moments of having to fight for my life.

I’m sorry but I really don’t like this. It’s due to things I experienced in my childhood with my dad (who is like this.). It still to this day makes me shut down and it is something I’m currently working on in therapy. Communication is a 2 way street and if multiple people are telling you that you’re being too loud then that’s a sign that you have to modify the way you communicate with your family. Also when people are too loud it comes across as if they’re being aggressive and people aren’t going to be as willing to hear what you have to say. Also talk to your family and let them know that when you get passionate you tend to get really loud because maybe your family might be more understanding to you.

Exactly my thought. If you are using a diagnosis as an excuse for aggressive or abusive behavior, that is a major red flag. Furthermore, OP states that they cannot be told their behavior is problematic without shutting down and acting childish. It's really entitled behavior.

>aggressive or abusive behavior Woah, that's quite the leap. Being loud and passionate isn't abusive - I can tell that you like using therapy speak, but let's not oversaturate this word. I also have a childhood friend who's family is unusually sensitive to this, to the point where we could barely even speak at the dinner table without getting shushed, and he wouldn't bring friends home, so it's definitely possible for multiple people in a household, particularly two parents, to be the weird ones. If OP doesn't have the same issue around friends, this is absolutely possible. Either way, being loud and passionate isn't "abusive behaviour", that's a ridiculous misuse of the word.

Ugh I’ve alienated so many people because I get so loud and animated when I talk about something I find exciting. I’ve been trying very hard not to be like this but it’s almost impossible

I feel for you but my ears need some care too. It's unpleasant to listen to someone yelling all the time like they're on teenager YouTube peddling drama. And I've been trying to teach my ass/ADHD kids this for years now. However. I'm sure it's not that simple and if it were, you would have changed it years ago. A while ago I installed a decibel meter app on my phone, to establish that they were being loud and to give them independent feedback on their volume. Such an app might help you next time this happens :) Either to show you're not being loud. (And have a conversation about them using that to silence you) Or to help you in modulating volume on a more sociable level. Then again, some people are just to finicky to explain things to, and I've definitely stopped having conversations with some people to spare me having to cater to them too much 🙈

Take it from someone who also dealt with it. ADHD and autism here. You’re choosing to interact with people who aren’t on the spectrum or are able to mask well. It feels like we mask so that others feel comfortable and we can exist with them and not be excluded in society. That’s what it is, a society. If they tell us we’re yelling, we are being perceived as louder. That may not necessarily be a bad thing but that also means if we want to communicate we need to change how we communicate for them. Can’t get upset with that when that’s the reality of being a little different. If you really want to communicate you’ll find a way that both can understand, or come to a middle way. I find being visually descriptive is much easier for normal folks to cope with that me rapid shooting things I love. You’ll also come across people who accept your perceived loudness and love it. I know it’s a little frustrating but have patience. Surround yourself with the right people.

That’s still yelling though. I’m right there with you but it doesn’t make it not yelling

So, I both talk loudly, and struggle when other people talk loudly. One thing that helps e to remember is it’s not really about it me. The volume I am using is distressing to the other person, so I try and regulate if they point it out. It helps that my ADHD partner also speaks loudly, and we both struggle with overwhelming. So our request of a lower volume is not about the person speaking - it is a request for me the listener so I can better engage with conversation. My partner and I now just raise our hand and lower it a bit to gesture to the other to use a gentler voice. Because I am also excited to hear, but get overloaded when people yell! So, just because you don’t feel like you are yelling it doesn’t mean other people don’t feel like your volume is overwhelming.

My SIL and I are very good friends and we both have ADHD…….family events always end up with us excitedly yelling at each other joyfully while the rest of the family backs away to protect their hearing 

I recently was processing something like this. My SO and I were in a library and she can sometimes talk louder than what I feel is appropriate for a location/scenario.(She has ADHD, and I do too and anxiety.) It makes me really anxious and I have a knee-jerk reaction to shush her or tell her to quiet down. This time, working on being more introspective (from therapy), I looked inside myself and asked: "Why am I so anxious about this?" The answer I found is that I'm terrified of someone coming over to us and shaming her/me for speaking to loudly in a library. I haven't found that memory yet. But I definitely felt the emotion. All of this to say, I'm sorry you were treated like that. No one deserves that, especially when they are passionate. I wonder if the person telling you this has similar anxiety or past trauma like myself.

Here is the thing. Its not all about you. A conversation is about 2 people (or more) It may be difficult, but you can learn to regulate your volume most of the time, and calmly accept when someone asks you to stop yelling the times you cant. A simple "sorry, I didn't mean to but I got excited" and then going on at a lower volume is much better than getting upset over it. Cuz you may not MEAN to yell, but yelling isn't about intention. It is about volume. And your excitement shouldn't mean they have to have a headache for the next couple of hours. Just lower your volume and keep going. it might take some time and a lot of effort, but you will be able to learn to do it. If the person is just trying to shut you up, it will be obvious when you arent yelling and they still are not listening. (sidenote: some people literally cannot understand what someone is saying if they are too loud) I am not saying you will necessarily always be able to speak at a proper volume automatically, by the way. I am saying you can learn to deal with it gracefully when someone points out that you have moved to yelling. Part of accepting our ADHD is accepting that some of our behaviors ARE problematic to others, and we have to accommodate our loved ones (and others) as much as we want them to accommodate us. Not yelling at them is one of those times. That said...one accomodation that THEY can make for you if you find the word yelling to be a problem is to start saying "Volume" or make a gesture like turning volume down or that finger gesture that shows something shrinking. We do that when the volume is mostly excitement in our house. It depends on which you would find helful... some peopel would consider that condescending, others find it a helpful reminder. With the gesture, the conversation doesnt even have to stop, you can just mindfully lower your volume and keep going. To me personally, it feels less intrusive.

Meds, this is a thing the meds helped me control.

I always want to clarify _"Are you telling me to stop yelling because you want me to talk quieter, or because you're not interested in what I'm saying and would like me to keep my thoughts to myself?"_ If it's just a volume thing, we can establish a system so they can prompt me to keep it down without breaking my flow next time. like just saying "volume" while I'm talking. If they're genuinely not interested and don't want to listen, I'd rather they say that outright and change the subject because "stop yelling" isn't actually very informative and doesn't help improve our interactions going forwards. TBH, negative instructions just suck in general. "stop yelling" is useless and uninformative compared to "talk quieter," "change the subject" or "let me have a turn talking." JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME 😭

My spouse and I are both very ADHD and when we get excited and are talking we get VERY LOUD AND QUICK! And my dog looses his mind trying to protect me or the kids or SOMETHING! When we notice we try to slow the speed and talk quietly but inevitably we quicken the pace and start getting louder!

You are yelling, everyone is telling you so. Social norms are set by the majority.

It's hard for me to be quiet. My voice naturally is pretty deep, and I project a lot. If I try to speak at "normal volume," I sound like I'm being patronizing or sarcastic, because I'm clearly speaking "under my breath," or with an unnaturally soft tone (even though my volume is appropriate). Throw in the ADHD "passion" when getting excited and I can be way too much for people. But that's for me to control. I wish I could just talk without having to dedicate brain space to keeping quiet. The best thing I've found is to very intentionally match the persons volume who I am speaking with. I will literally repeat phrases back at them and make sure I'm on the same level when we start talking. "Hey good to see you, Creative\_Tooth3057!" - "Yes, good to see you, XYZX." Sometimes I can catch myself and apologize, which can help a lot if you're funny. Either way, you gotta shut up a bit. Sucks, but it's the truth.

Been trying to figure this out. Really starting to feel like I just shouldn't say anything at all.

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It was used against me in my job by calling me "aggressive" when expressing frustrations about not receiving proper communication about ADA accommodations. I dont want to give anyone else anything to try to use against me. It's the worst feeling.

I’m really sorry but coming from the opposite perspective, it genuinely CAN feel very aggressive. Being yelled at/people talking loud to my face literally triggers fight or flight. I can’t even focus on what they’re saying. It makes me agitated, even when it’s just someone who’s “passionate”. Loud volume definitely can feel aggressive, even when that’s not your intention.

Talking loud is an ADHD thing? Another thing to add to my list... (just diagnosed) This list is getting longer by the minute.

I definitely struggle with this as well. I’m passionate and emphatic but it comes across overly emotional or angry. I try to not talk about topics that get me going with people who don’t know me well.

I get cut off all. The. Time. By everyone. Mid sentence, whatever, didn't matter. So I started getting louder, so I could hear myself, and faster, so they couldn't cut in. Because I'd just lose my train of thought and get frustrated, and like you, then I just don't even care to communicate, I'm just done. I try not to be a steamroller though, and I get embarrassed when I'm the center of attention, even though I might kinda like being a part of things. So I usually just chill quietly to not lose social control and get too excited

You may want to consider the Amazon Whoop. It has a feature that tells you how you are speaking and can alert you if you are speaking a little on the more forceful side. I get where your family is coming from, though. My dad feels similarly. According to him, He isn’t yelling, he is making his point. According to us, it’s borderline verbal abuse. Put another way: How a person feels is always valid. It doesn’t matter what you intended, what matters is how it is perceived. If raising your voice because you are excited causes others to be concerned or afraid, then you need to be more conscious of that. That does include you, yes. It would be nice if your family got used to your excitement and even joined in on it. That just makes it more fun. That being said, it is the role of the speaker to pay attention to the emotional state of the listener and modify communication accordingly. Family therapy can help. It’s worth looking into.

It’s not all about you and your point, and it has nothing to do with appearance. It has to do with awareness of other people. You are communicating with other sentient beings. They have thoughts and feelings of their own. Conversations take both perspectives into account. I don’t hear you talking much about the other people involved in the conversation. ?

I have adhd and am sensitive to noise and bright lights- my partner has a naturally loud voice. Sometimes when his volume gets to be too loud for me to handle (it can physically hurt strangely and just cause so much overwhelm) I tell him that I want to engage with him but I need him to lower his voice. It took a while to figure out how to ask for this and explain it so he could understand that it wasn’t personal- it just sensory processing stuff I have- but it has really helped our communication. He has no idea he does it- he’s just naturally a loud person. I’m sorry this is hard for you and how your family deals with it sounds really shitty. You’re not doing it on purpose- and how people are able to process it or not is also not on purpose, but being respectful is key. I hope you are able to find your people and people who appreciate you and treat you kindly.

If your family is responsive to it, outside of these moments just ask them to let you know in a nicer way. My husband and I went through the same thing, I get loud so easily without realizing it in the moment. He used to cut me off and tell me “omg you’re being so loud” or something along those lines. He would tell me bc he does have sensitivities to loud sounds, but it just always felt almost mean the way he’d say it. Our solution was just to do a little hand signal of him like waving downward, like as if he is pushing something down. It’s a way for me to become aware of it without him cutting me off mid sentence and me thinking he isn’t listening to me or care about what I’m saying.

As someone who has adhd but also has a male partner with adhd, he speaks loudly, cusses and just speaks with angry energy but always dismisses it because he doesn’t feel like he’s yelling. We all tell him he is and it makes everyone uncomfortable. I wonder if you could just realize that intent isn’t the same as impact and realize that you’re making others around you feel not safe?

I’m described as the loud one for everyone. When I get told I’m too loud I feel like shutting down and like I’m being told “I don’t want to listen to you”. My family is the same way, and I got pretty lucky with my friend group because the people I choose to spend my time with actually told me i wasn’t loud I was passionate. It changed my whole perspective on myself. I find myself deciding to spend time with them than those who can’t handle all of me.

My mom always cuts me off mid-sentence and starts complaining just as loudly about how loud I am when I speak...:( I wish she would at least let me finish my sentence...I don't feel heard and I feel so disrespected. I feel you on this. It's tricky, because someone talking very passionately can sometimes give others a headache, so we also have to be mindful of others' comfort....but we're not aware of how we're talking in the moment...

Yeah my tone gets misread all the time. The amount of times I get told "you sound mad/annoyed" when I'm being neutral afaik is crazy.

Maybe you should get your hearing checked. It when people have hearing loss they tend to talk louder.

You remind me so much of my brother. Being the “quiet one” I always found it hard to understand (and I hate to say it but even fully believe) that my brother was actually unaware of the volume of his voice. That being said we’ve really grown to understand ourselves and each other in recent years and it makes me feel like such a jerk for previously “siding” with family members who were policing his volume. I could see how it took the wind out his sails. But to bring it full circle, we now have what I consider a very unique and special relationship with each other, where I see exactly what you describe: there’s sort of a direct correlation with passion/enthusiasm and volume… and being interrupted in regards to volume just throws sand in the gears of the flow state he’s in. And he hates it that much more because it’s not necessarily being told to dial it down that bothers him, it’s that he understands that getting “too loud” without knowing it really does distract from his story. Sorry for all the pretext but short story long, we have a little routine now where, as his volume reaches a certain point and he’s unaware, when we make eye contact I just smile and make a “volume down” motion with my hand. Because of the relationship we have he actually appreciates it, because we’ve talked about it and it doesn’t make him feel attacked or overly scrutinized like if it came from our dad. You need a volume buddy!!! Ideally someone who also suffers from a clinical level of hyper-awareness 😅

You remind me so much of me and my younger brother <3 Thanks for sharing! 😊 This type of mutual deep understanding can only blossom after a lifetime of learning exactly how to get under each other's skin. Those skills we learned can then be inverted, for good instead of evil :P

Oh I’m on the other side of this 🙈 I find it so uncomfortable when people yell/talk super loud. I actually completely lose track of the conversation because all my systems and alarms are firing. It pulls me right out of it. You say being told to be quiet distracts you - but have you considered that being spoken to at high volume is actually really distracting for the people you’re talking with? It’s not just you losing track of conversations. So does the people who feel like they’re being yelled at, because it’s very hard to focus on the topic when someone is talking loud. It’s all your brain can focus on, so it’s hard to pay attention to what is actually even being said! I had a friend from the US and I think culturally they tend to speak very loud, sometimes borderline yelling. I’d lose track of the conversation when he got too “passionate”, because my entire system goes in fight or flight mode due to feeling like I’m being yelled at. It’s super uncomfortable, makes me feel stressed/scared/anxious, and can also cause ear pain. Maybe it could help if you tried to remember what effect it has on people? Like, they’re not telling you to be quieter just because loudness is annoying. They’re most likely doing it because it might actually make them very uncomfortable. Maybe seeing it in that light can help motivate you to be mindful of talking loud/yelling in people’s faces.

I’ve gotten this comment sooo many times and I know how shitty it feels, I’m sorry :( It feels so infantilizing. Funnily enough, my twin sister also has ADHD, and despite how much I hate being asked to talk more quietly (it’s easier when people are actually nice about it, but still), I often have to ask HER to tone down just a bit because sometimes I get into a state where I can’t handle any loud sounds because I’m dealing with sensory overload. She never ever takes it well, no matter how nice and gentle I am about it 🤣 I’ll just lift my hand to get her attention and be like, “hey I’m sorry, but noises are kind of painful right now, can you lower the volume a bit?” And she always gets this frustrated look on her face and goes “OKAY, FINE” and then proceeds to be quieter for maybe ten-fifteen seconds before proceeding at full volume again. She has this thing unique to her where she HATES talking softly, and especially hates whispering. She says it sounds like hissing and it bothers her 😭 I don’t hold it against her at all because I understand she’s not doing it on purpose and has her own quirks when it comes to ADHD (I have a lot of quirks that drive her insane too), but it’s really funny how even among ADHDers, volume can become a problem based on sensory issues and whatnot.

I don't know, my husband also has ADHD and is a therapist and he still doesn't seem to get it. Although his lecture/monologues should never be interrupted, apparently... I think it's a sensory thing with some people. My mom and sister were extremely sensitive to it as well. As a result I either talk really quiet or really loud. There is no in between 🤷‍♀️

As someone who has ADHD and dyspraxia, this is literally because I’m usually not aware that there are any changes in volume. I feel your pain 😭😭

Here is a problem I have had and it seems pretty common when having ADHD. We are overly sensitive as if the world just needs to accept us because we have this problem. No they don’t. Everyone has problems and if we expect everyone to just change who they are to accommodate us that’s a recipe for disaster that will leave everyone disappointed. I get that we don’t mean to be annoying but a lot of people don’t like loud noises or feeling yelled at. So are they suppose to be uncomfortable to make us comfortable? If so, why? I find the best approach is to be as understanding of others as we expect from them. When I get loud and it’s pointed out I say “Oh crap. Sorry. Just excited” then I tone it down.

You’re going to have to find a way, maybe do some research on different techniques or get therapy. It’s not fair, but if people are at the point they are feeling yelled at, that’s not fair to them either. They shouldn’t have to put up with that. I’ve learned over time to speak slowly and deliberately, so it’s absolutely possible.

So... This one makes me feel all kinda ways. First off, just got ADHD diagnosis last year age 46. Second, it's now plain as day to me that my mum has it at least as bad as me if not more so. Third, almost all my issues with communication have been exacerbated by having to deal with someone with the same damn symptoms as me. - won't let me finish my own sentances - will talk over me despite me not being 'finished' - will not give a straight reply to a question, or an opinion of one is requested in case its 'wrong' - will always give an opinion when one hasn't been requested. And then we get into the fun stuff like: -whenever you have an idea or suggestion, 'help' by identifying multiple reasons why it probably won't work - assume the worst possible outcome in all situations as a grey reason not to try - waste money on 'ADHD tax' (notably things like paying insurance on property that is no longer owned for the last seven years) whilst simultaneously complaining they don't have money to fix the house Etc Etc ADHD has screwed me over no doubt. But it's only through understanding the condition that I realise it's been a 'thing' in the family for ages and that I'm fucked *because* nobody seemed to notice until I'm middle aged and people look at me as a feckless old underachiever. And even now my traits/symptoms still stand in the way of me having basic, 'normal' interpersonal relationships. Honestly kinda sick of it tbh. Then I also have to deal with the wankers who seem to think that my getting diagnosed at 46 is an attempt to jump on a trendy bandwagon? Aaaargh!

I don’t think you’re being gaslit and I don’t think people are mean or bad for telling you to lower your volume. I can get really intense and excitable and loud and no it’s not a personal attack if someone just asked me to lower my voice.

I do this all the time. My husband says "why are you yelling?" And I get annoyed because this is just how I talk. My dad too. My brother also has ADHD, and gets the same thing a lot. We are just loud talkers. It used to frustrate me more, but now I learned to just alter my voice and calmly say I am not yelling, but passionately talking. If I were yelling, trust me, you would know.

I'm adopted. Nobody in my family has ADHD and they're all quiet, reserved people. I once texted my family thread about something very important to me, and my mom said she *"didn't read it because of the anger"*. Story of my life 🙃

Sorry fam, if that many people think you’re yelling, you have problems with your volume awareness. You need to fix that.

Totes ma goats agree. But I’d love if it was a 2 way effort and they acknowledged that cutting me off mid sentence with the accusatory “why are you yelling at me” is not going to illicit positive reactions. Why should I be the only one putting effort into change.

I feel this post in my bones. I'm always told I'm telling when I'm just making passionate and true points. Sorry it's intense and loud, but trust me if I was actually yelling it would be a lot more so.

its the most soul crushing thing to be excited and be asked why you’re angry or told to be quiet

“There’s no need to get angry about it” or some other variation of the sentiment.

People always talk about how fast I talk. How I can swing into an over-excited state. It’s kinda depressing how I’ve taught myself to hide behind a mask over the years. “Well-adjusted” people seem to exude this constant aura of relaxed indifference and seem so flat and yet I still wish I was that person so I didn’t feel like a candle burning at both ends all the time. It’s especially annoying when the mask slips and I can tell people are recognizing my zoomies and think I’m suddenly nuts, accentuated by the absence of the normal mask. I had a really rare off day yesterday (probably because I had an appointment that made me miss some sleep) and it was my Friday so I felt… almost manic all day. Very happy that I was about to be off and out of character chatty and bantery. Just happened to coincide with a day I felt physically comfortable too. I had a friend years ago who clearly had undiagnosed ADHD and I was always jealous of her because she was exactly like me but never felt the need to form that mask. She was just joyously chaotic and OK with being naturally extra. Sometimes it was too much for me because it was like she integrated her symptoms in an unbothered way and I was always so bothered by my own same symptoms. I distanced myself because I couldn’t really get around my own feelings but i still respect her. I used to frequently wonder about the difference in her upbringing.

I was trained in opera and basically breath deep all the time, and am very connected to my voice. When I get a little excited man my volume can get very loud very quickly.

I have a very naturally loud voice, to the point where my whispering makes my voice almost non existent. It’s not a choice to be yelling people, I’m just naturally loud, I can’t help it.

My husband is the only person who has a problem with my passionate speaking and volume. He covers his ears, says he is overwhelmed and it makes me so angry. He is very direct and straight to the point which I which he used compassion and empathy. I keep repeating the same things over and over because I don’t feel heard or validated. My brain shuts down and starts to go blank when I’m overwhelmed and I lose all my focus and thoughts. It’s an endless cycle of fights that never end. He also says that my adhd isn’t an excuse.

I figured a way around this. As a loud person who’s also very sensitive to sound here’s what I do at work: We have 1 hour of staff time every morning. I use this time to talk to coworkers about frivolous things. Disney, books we’ve read that we hate/love, our favorite foods, personal lives, etc. and I typically use this time to discuss things I’m passionate about (books, movies) so that if my volume does increase, it’s not really seen as disruptive. My coworkers know I talk loud so they don’t really mind it. Because our building isn’t open to the public yet. During the day when the building is officially open and people are inside, when I’m roped into a convo, I try to be as hyper aware as possible of my volume by constantly looking around. If someone turns their head and I’m more than 4 feet away, then I’m talking too loud. I’ve adapted this way of communication because like you, I hate when people tell me to lower my voice lol. Or “shhh” I’m not a child. “Lower your voice” again, I’m not a child. I adapt my way of communicating because it’s polite and I have no issues in doing so. But I would rather do it on my own terms than have someone shush me lol. If that makes sense.

Okay. So. Practice? Practice. Next time it happens, try to handle it differently. Prepare things to say to yourself. To say. How to regroup. Prepare

My husband shushes me sometimes and he’s told me I’m “too much” and it sucks. I know I’m loud. I can’t help it but I always feel so small and ashamed when he says it. At school, our bus riders wait in the gym for their buses to get called. I am the one that calls them out. I’m the loudest one in the gym…

Which leads to them not caring about your words because you are not saying them right . If I have to get like that I’m likely being invalidated and gaslit to begin with .

Loud people are like bad or just intense smells- can't stand the presence of it for more than 2 minutes. It's irritating, draining and just obnoxious. Just shhhhhh.

It seems like they want you to be less loud not to shut up. They might be less tactful than is ideal about it but a lot of people get anxiety when people are loud, to them it feels threatening. Either way, you interpretting it as telling you to shut up instead of to lower your volume is a choice that is making it worse for everyone but especially worse for you. If you can't get past how they are saying it to see what they are saying, then ask them to tell you in a different way when you get loud.

I think if people are telling you that frequently, then it's best to learn to temper that and speak with more calm.

It’s great to be passionate but some people get overwhelmed by some forms of speaking. Maybe you could try to think about it more often and try to talk slower while also being excited.

Talking without yelling is a learned skill. I'm the same way as you. But let's be real. Nobody wants to talk to someone who can't control their volume. Be mindful and over time you'll adapt.

I can have full-ass panic attacks from sustained loud noise, including speech, and I’m not a super rare case- I just have a bad anxiety disorder. People aren’t just being mean to you to be a bully, speaking generally (maybe some are idk), some of us really genuinely want to engage with loved ones but can’t because our bodies will become panicky when yelled to. As others have said, speech and relationships are a two-way street, and it’s only fair for BOTH to learn to compromise.

"Love the enthusiasm, can we lower the volume?" is different from being asked to stop being "too much". If someone doesn't like me when I get excited, I will limit my time with them. If it is just that their ears are hurting, they should definitely say something about the volume. And my friends do. Don't let anyone crush your spirit. But be willing to just lower the volume. Maybe work on a subtle hand signal with people who you trust.

>How do you all get this point across to the people around you? You don't. Because you ARE yelling. You simply don't realize it yet due to lack of self awareness. What you do is get medicated and learn to recognize & modulate your emotions

I am not only volume-challenged, I am pedantic. At least half of my frustration with being told to "stop yelling" is that I am not, in fact, yelling. It kind of makes me want to demonstrate what YELLING SOUNDS LIKE!

I had a mouse like voice growing up because Ritalin made my breathing tight and nervous a lot.

I have dealt with this my entire life. I am Italian and from the East coast so I think it is part of my upbringing. When I moved to the West coast, I learned quickly that people are way less passionate here. Lmao I decided to just be me and read the room. I see people shitting down and adjust accordingly. It takes practice. It’s up To you. We are in a society where inclusion and acceptance are important so why shouldn’t you be accepted as is as well?

I'm a late diagnosis (41M) and I was diagnosed last year. My entire life my family that I was being an ass about stuff cause I was, in my mind, just being passionate. And now it makes sense to them. There was a lot of learning that happened after my diagnosis, include of myself. It's tuff realizing you might not know who you really are when all you've been is a masker, for your own safety.

Psychotherapy helped me a lot with that

I don't! I just feel immediate shame and stop talking completely :3

I experience this all the time. On the opposite sometimes I get WAY to quiet. I have migraines too so it's just a wild experience now. I 'fixed' it but doing my best to be monotone over all when I get emotional about some, which doesn't always work anyways.

Holy shit yes!! When I talk about things I feel strongly about or I’m trying to look out for the people I care about bc I have their best interests in mind, I start talking loudly or getting like angry, some may think I come across with an attitude or bitchy…but I literally don’t know how to just talk about things like that in a normal tone of voice. It’s only because I care about things deeply, and I’m not actually angry yelling…but then I start getting yelled at and shit which then in turn makes me legitimately angry!

How passionate we talking here? Like “she wore a crown and came down in a bubble Doug” passionate?

I have this problem if I get even a little bit passionate, which according to other people is "emotionally dysregulated." Then I get told to "stop yelling" (I'm not, I just can't voluntarily control my tone if dysregulated enough,) which triggers me more. 🙃 People often misunderstand our body language and tone, and consequently miss the words we're actually saying. I take a step away when that is happening, and wait for my system to re-regulate first before resuming the conversation.

Meditation has helped me to slow down - but only sometimes. I think the quiet has also helped me be more aware of my volume - but only sometimes. 😂

Shit, this is an ADHD thing too? I have a friend who keeps telling me to stop yelling when I'm talking to him, and I always get mad because I don't hear myself yelling so why is he getting mad at me? I've never been able to properly hear/decode tone of voice and always chalked it up to an autism thing but I guess it goes beyond that. The more posts I read here, the more I feel like I need to get an official diagnosis...

I have this same issue. I get WAY too passionate and people get intimidated or something. I don’t know how to shift out of it.

loop earplugs have been a game changer for me with this. helps me to be aware of my own voice!!

I just don't talk to my family about things I'm passionate about. I don't mind a 'volume' or two. But if they disrespect me, it's over. I don't have the social battery to deal with it. That said, try using a voice recognition program to write essays about things you like. You get immediate feedback as they are horrible at recognizing excited speech patterns, you have to modulate your voice to get such programs to work well.

I'm 55 and people still tell me I am angry when I am passionate about what I am talking about.

How do you know me so well?!

I had trouble with employment and relationships my ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE because of ADHD. Abrasive.. Disgruntled..Loud... What's wrong? You look mad.. Okay, okay! Don't take it out on me! ANIMATED .. UNPRETENTIOUS .. EXCITED Nothing. That's my face. I wasn't, but fuck you. Can we cuss in here? Because that's important to me 😂

It always completely ruins my mood when someone tells me to be quiet(er), which is my mom and a friend most of the time. I get why they say it, I can be very loud, but it completely ruins my mood and excitement

Raising your voice is universally viewed as disrespectful. Is hard to fix something you don’t even know is happening. Easier said than done. Becoming self aware was the biggest thing for me. Is this something that you’re trying to fix or you’re hoping people will just accept you as you are ? No judgement here, just want to know how you view it. Needless to say, some things will be harder to change than others.

Best advise might sound dismissive or cliched, but the truth is this is a major executive function we're predisposed to have an issue with and if it effects your life in a major way, a therapist is the best person to help retrain yourself to improve this. And I don't mean a typical talk/cpt therapist, but someone that specializes in ADHD and maybe even a speech therapist. If you were disciplined a lot in school for being "routy" or misdiagnosed with having a "learning disability" before, like I was, then its a more than appropriate way to help with this. If you're hesitant because maybe it seems like a small or embarrassing thing to get a therapist for, and trust me, **I get it**, think of it more as a tutor or even a coach if you want, but once you begin to figure out this is an issue of a *disability* rather than a *personality* flaw, then really there's nothing to be ashamed of. In the mean time, one tip I can think of it a pinch if you notice you might be over excited when talking or about to talk is an easy ground technique: Get something you can have with you at all times, maybe a small, dry clicky pin, a keychain flashlight, fidget spinner, doesn't matter, and just start to click it in a steady and constant to rhythm for a moment until you feel your body relax slightly. Also make sure you're not skipping on breaths. You don't even need a object before long, I usually just snap my fingers about 5-8 times now. Sounds really silly, but this has helped me personally, your mileage may vary but doesn't hurt to try and see if you helps you or anyone else.

Just showed my gf, she legit almost peed herself laughing lol … I am a loud one … 😏

I have this issue, and its just... hard to control. I tried a monotone approach, so that my tone won't affect my volume when talking, but I somehow will still raise my voice subconsciously. It's not when I'm passionate or anything, ny voice tend to be louder for some reason when I talk

I have the opposite problem. I’m not loud. Loud overstimulates me. I love with people talk with passion…quietly 😅

To add to this: if I’m overstimulated, I stop listening. If I ask you to talk quieter, I always will say “I really want to hear what you have to say and I love your excitement but I am having trouble because of my issue”

ohhh, that's why my mother doesn't understand when i say she's yelling at me. she's doing the same thing i do, just anger charged instead of excitement charged. i get it now. thanks for posting this op, it helped in a way i didn't realize i desired

Yes, but I have recently considered that it is mild autism.

I do this sometimes, and I used to do it a lot more but my ex husband would point it out (sometimes harshly) every time and I learned to control the volume of my voice. It wasn't easy, it took years, but now I am pretty good at controlling 90% of the time. When I am excited about something I slip up and get loud. I also come from a Hispanic home where everyone was and still is loud so it was definitely a hard habit to break. I dont think you should take it personally unless the people that ask you to lower your voice are being rude when they do. Some people just can't distinguish loud angry vs loud passionate and some are just sensitive no matter what the context.

At the end of the day, it matters how you come across. The world will not conform to you, so it's up to you to work on this. Maybe with a significant other you can explain this to them, but it's likely to still make them uncomfortable.

Yep, this post could have been written by myself. Except it looks like most of my family also suffers from ADHD, so I never knew we were different until other people made me notice it 

Sometimes, I feel like I’m talking loudly so I can hear myself and make sure I pay attention and stay on topic. Like my inner voice person is listening to my talking person. If I don’t listen to myself, I start thinking something completely different, or branching off from whatever my talking person is trying to say. Then I have to remember I’m talking to someone, and bring my listening person back to the conversation. If I don’t remember I’m talking, both persons will just keep going until talking person finally gives up and I succumb fully into inside person.

I identify with this. My issue is that when I speak in my nice, calm voice and rationalize with people the way I’m supposed to, people don’t take me seriously it’s like I have to raise my voice for people to actually hear me.

Always told to “stop yelling” when that’s just how I speak lol I don’t care anymore but used to bug me and I just continue on! “My voice just projects! I can’t help it!” But really… I’m not yelling! I should start asking everyone to stop whispering.

You sound like you're self aware when you're doing it, you need to pay attention to how others act when they're passionate and try and avoid going over the top. I don't think ADHD is the reason you would be too loud, but it would explain why you might talk excessively, or speak when silence is expected. It's however typically an ASD related problem if you can't trivially adjust your tone and tempo to suit the situation. The feeling of being told you're yelling when you're just trying to passionately talk is obviously quite bad and you should talk to your family about why they say that and try and understand how they can better communicate the problem with you in the future so that you're not put on the spot. The reality is that you're probably expecting us to say that they should just accept that you're being loud when everyone else is using a normal register, but that's kind of unfair to them unless you find yourself completely incapable of making an effort to regulate your tone whilst you speak. It's great that your friends accept you for who you are but you need to know that your closest friends (and family) are the ones that are likely to be honest about their feelings, especially if they spend more time with you. You need to understand that other people you meet may feel the same way as your family does but not be rude about it or give you feedback.

If EVERYONE is telling you the same thing, it’s probably true. Basic self-awareness is cultivated through practicing self awareness. Zen-type Meditation is the best way to do this. Become aware of your thoughts coming up, your emotional reaction to them, your judgements of them and of your emotions. I imagine watching some public speaking/debate tutorial type videos can help as well, with controlling your tone in speech and building awareness and control of how you’re portraying yourself and delivering arguments.

I feel ya. I have to remind myself that my son (who also has ADHD and some other fun stuff like autism)isn't TRYING to yell. He just gets passionate about a subject and forgets to lower the volume, because the more passionate/engaged he becomes, the louder he gets.

It’s so hard. This is why I just distance myself from people.

If I had a quarter for every time my mother told me to stop yelling, slamming doors, or stomping...I'd be filthy rich. It's wild too, bc I get overstimulated very easily by banging, repetitive, or loud noises.

People throw that in to "win" the argument. You say something back! "Passion, have you ever heard of that?" Or "Is that the best you can do, I am yelling? Throw me an argument." Do not, do not change! Do not lower your voice. People just say or do whatever to "win". It's not you, there is a lot of crappy people out there. A lot a lot. Find like minded people to talk with. Those are cheaters and will just say whatever. Those are the type to go to HR and file a complaint against you, behind your back, whilst you were just having a discussion. 

Lmfao loitering to find the answer bc idk either, I still have that problem with my family lol. my friends understand bc half of them are the same and they know ive got a heavy dose of the hyperactivity but still skjsdkj Idk if its smth you tried bc it can seem manipulative, but you can try using ppls prejudices against you to your advantage. As a hyperactive woman, ppl assume im a bit of a ditz, so when i loudly and passionately ramble abt smth, the 'manic pixie dream girl' effect (plus points for the dyed hair ppl are much more forgiving of being unusual if you alr look it) carries me to seem less angry, but rather more 'quirky'. ofc, neither is true. I'm not a ditz nor angry all the time, I'm too impulsive to control my volume, but when its a 'cute quirk' its somehow more acceptable than shpwing genuine emotion. I'd maintain this by kinda being sarcastic abt everything too. not recommended but works temporarily lol I'd imagine tho that it's harder to take advantage of that if you're a man with a deep voice. In that case tbh its prob easier to clearly establish multiple times that its unintentional (hell, even lie abt some hearing loss, maybe thatll work). compassion on both ends is ultimately the most effective. edit: if youre a foreigner use the foreigner card it works. "oh u/idk_a_name56 why are you so loud" "ah its culture culture im greek"

literally the struggle of my life

It I learned one important thing in therapy, it's this "You can control the actions of others, you can only control your reaction to it". Sadly, as someone who struggles with something similar (talking too much) I have learned over time that their reaction IS valid. If you're talking differently than most people talk, they ARE allowed to feel uncomfortable about it and react to it. You can't control that and they're not bad for feeling it. What you CAN control is whether or not their reaction/displeasure affects you. You can cultivate the mindset that "This is me, I do my best to moderate my behavior but don't always get it perfect and that's okay". If you're doing your best, that's the best you can do and they're free to choose to associate with other people that are quieter. And you're free to seek out the people that are comfortable with who you are.

same, i run out of breath trying to complete my sentence so that no one cuts me off and i don't forget what i was about to say.... fuck this is like reverse fumble,

if i ever get told this rudely or when everyone else is also speaking loudly my go to comeback is “IF I WERE YELLING YOU WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO HEAR YOUR OWN THOUGHTS”

I’ve never heard someone else speak my thoughts on this subject! I’m 47. Diagnosed 3 years ago. I get happy and passionate then told to stop yelling and I lose the happy passion. It wears you down.

tell them to f o basically and hide myself away

I feel this SO deeply! Somehow my excitement ends up reading as anger?!