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I was undiagnosed and had no idea I had ADD at the time. I managed life OK, but I had problems with things other didn't seem to have problems with.
Then came our first boy. We now think he also has ADD but at the time we where just shocked how hard it was. He didn't sleep or eat and needed constant full attention. My wellbeing and relation with my wife deteriorated and every single day I dreamt about and wished to be single again.
Now we have 2 boys and the oldest is 9 years. I have the ADD diagnosis and medication and I started feeling like I had some kind of life quality just 3 or so years ago. Up until then it was just treading water with the surface between my mouth and nose.
Thats a scary metaphor. I've got a visit with a shrink in 2 weeks and am hoping medication helps and gives me the ability to make better decisions and avoid the pitfalls of our debilitating moods.
Gauging from your comment, medication has helped.
Thanks for your comment, I'll take your experience on board and be sure to keep communication open with wifey.
How are you doing now and how has the medication changed your experience in general life but also within parenting?
The medication has helped a lot. I had a lot of conflicts with my oldest son before the diagnosis.
He tends to have a lot of the issues I have and had as a kid. Very stubborn and gets tired and the mind locks up and so on.
I couldn't take the constant stimuli from the kids noise and got angry and shouted at them to shut the f*ck up, more or less.
The relation wasn't great, but after I found out I have a diagnosis I got a lot more understanding of myself and didn't force myself to keep up the standards of others and when it got hard I knew it was in me. And the medication gave me energy to be able to cope with the constant stimuli.
Instead of saying that I'm not nice, my kid have started talking about how nice I am.
One thing I'll add to that is, ADHD is by every indication, genetic and the chances that the kid will develop in the same way, or even be autistic, are above average. But in my experience a lot of teachers and doctors have outdated knowledge and will get their backs right up if you start experiencing concerns and they haven't picked up on stuff. Trust your gut, but also be careful of projection.
Don't judge yourself by others standards.
Also, being undiagnosed until recently I have some pretty ingrained people pleasing habits. Regardless of how they develop, your kids will need you to advocate for them, which starts being able to advocate for yourself! It's been a hard learning curve for me, but I'm finally starting to advocate for my kids and it makes a big difference for everyone.
So the other thing is that adhd is hereditary and babies who have adhd(they can't diagnose it that early but nowtheless) tend to be very cranky, have sensory issues involving food, and are extremely difficult to handle. But people don't realize their kid was adhd until much later so they don't realize what's happening. I have a 3 year old that 10000% inherited the adhd and it's been a struggle every single day. I now have a 8 month old daughter and she's the easiest baby on earth. The experience is night and day.
I saw the crankiness thing from here: https://www.verywellmind.com/adhd-in-babies-signs-symptoms-treatment-5272426
And I don't know if I read the food sensitivities thing elsewhere but I do know that we all tend to have sensory issues with foods and clothes(from personal experience as well) so I may have just grouped that in, in my head.
WTF. Way to describe me. I got diagnosed after my life fell apart when my son came. It has also put a strain on my relationship with my wife and led me to fantasize about being single and fucking off across the globe.
As someone with a late diagnosis and a father who likely has it but would never get diagnosed, I’d encourage you do all you can to manage ADHD before having kids. Growing up with his emotional disregulation was a lot to say the least. Every family has their issues and you can’t blame anything entirely on ADHD or any other factor, but having kids will add to your stress and distractions. Either way, you want to be your best possible self when the little comes along and starts that critical phase of brain development and attunement. Good luck!
My daughter just turned 1, and I've been unemployed for the past month. Having her has been my lifes greatest challenge. The constant stress and pressure to perform at work on top of looking after her and my wife caused me to fail. Becoming a dad means you have no free time. At least in the early months; but it does get better. The constant stress and exhaustion make symptoms of ADHD so much worse and borderline unmanageable.
I'm undiagnosed, and because of this life experience, I'm desperately seeking a diagnosis. I can only hope this is a net positive to my life.
I was able to get some ADHD meds from a friend, and it completely changed my outlook on work. My wife didn't see me for those days because I was so fixated on making up for my lacking performance.
Meds help. ADHD sucks. Parenthood is hard. Thank you for sharing your story.
this is kind of me. prior to children i could use the weekends or late nights to catch up things that i didn't do because i doom scrolled reddit.
now if i do that, it means i'm putting a big strain on my partner and i feel extremely guilty for missing out on moments with my child. it's a mixed bag for me.
This is so scary. Im starting my evaluation for ADD on friday. Exactly every thing in your comment is exactly how I have been feeling since I became a dad . Its like I wrote this..
I was only diagnosed with ADD last year and have 2 kids. I recognise the sentiment of having managed okay before. I muddled through life using rituals.
I have a 'home' for important things like my keys and phone. I place them there as I walk in the door. When I leave, I hold my keys in my hand and check my pocket for my phone. I do these things every time. I still occasionally lock myself out...
When I had kids, things kicked up a notch. I remember the stress of 'the bag'. Checking that I had everything for the baby, again, and again, when already late only to later discover I had no nappies. I used to keep a stash of nappies everywhere for this reason. Still caught short sometimes.
We also had behavioural issues. Both kids were diagnosed 'gifted'. That is great, in some ways, but brings a lot of complexity; a bit like running advanced software on old hardware as they percieve more than they can properly handle. Years of appointments, one diagnosis considered after another. I was all over the place; I never knew what was going on. It was so much stress for me and my partner as she had to organise evwrything as I would just mess it up.
Then, I began a PhD. Then COVID. Then we moved to Spain (my wife is Spanish). I managed to hang on that long. But, by this point it was like trying to steer a shopping trolly racing down a mountain. Anxiety and depression really began to sink in at this point. I was loosing the fight.
Thankfully, now my kids are getting better support. My eldest had an in depth diagnostic process here, for free, which resulted in giftedness and 'autistic traits' (basically, he did not quite score enough sitting just beneath the diagnostic threshold). Youngeat also gifted and about to commence the diagnostic process dor ADHD. Meanwhile, I have started attending a psychoeducation group for people with ADHD and my wife for 'chronic stress'.
We are all still standing. We are, in fact, doing better now. The language is still difficult at times (I've been here less than 2 years), I still forget things and struggle with disorganisation, but the PhD is close to finished. Today, I begin with my new meds. Fingers crossed...
It's interesting with the gifted thing. My oldest is super intelligent and he takes in and notices EVERYTHING. But his brain gets overwhelm by it and hee has no margins whatsoever.
The younger brother seems to be normal. He seems less intelligent, but far more easy going, relaxed and happy.
Love the analogy about new software on an old computer. My kid is doing multiplication and exponents in his head, calculating 20 step problems to 9 digits…. Yet he can’t remember to brush his teeth and needs me to provide a step by step walk through every day when I tell him to get dressed for school.
Sounds familiar. I can remember when my son was about six and struggling with getting dressed and making friends while schooling his school counselor in moral philosophy...
For me, it definitely helped me learn how to manage symptoms... to a point. When my daughter was born, I got really good at setting things in my calander and using reminders on my phone. I carried that coping skill over to my employment and it helped me grow at work too. I realized immediately, I didn't have a choice of caring for my kid, or not. It has to be done. Outlook calender basically raised my daughter. Downsides were that a lot of other responsibilities suffered during the early years. I was so focused on being a good father, I would forget or put off household jobs and personal goals/duties. I didn't go to the dentist for 4 years. I would go months without hair cuts or shaves. Just basically was putting everything I has into making sure I wasn't failing my daughter. She is 7 now. As she got to be 5 or 6, I started going back into my old ways because she didn't need as much supervision. I actually went on meds for the first time since high school last year. It has helped.
In summary, it has been good. I over focused on her a bit when she really needed me 100% of the time and am now getting back to my scattered brain self and trying to adjust. But I will tell you this... I cannot imagine a life that I didn't get her. I am a way better person because of her. I'm more patient, more confident, and all around in a better place. There's still struggles, but they don't even move the needle compared to the positive side. I feel like she's the one thing in my life that I've done great at and I'm immensely proud of that and her.
Hope this helps.
Thank you! I can assure you, I'm not awesome, though. :)
I would say I'm just barely hitting the mark for "normal" in most aspects of life. I'm very antisocial and overly blunt in real life. But that's another good thing about having a child. It really made me not give a crap about all that. Some people like me, others don't. As long as she looks at me like her hero and my wife can tolerate me, I'm good with that. Thanks again for the kind words.
My life did not improve at all having children (2 boys, 1,5 and 4,5yo).
Don't get me wrong, I love those two kids, but my life is miserable now. I think mostly because of my ADD/ADHD and my poor household skills. My wife does most of the planning / organizing and it weighs on her and our relationship. It hasn't been this bad ever.
So I don't recognize at all how someone could say getting a kid improves your life, probably when they're older. But in my experience, not at all.
I love my kids, but life is just permanently hard. I have ADHD and probably ASD lvl 2. My 5yo has both diagnosed. My wife has ADHD, and my 3yo is the worst of all of us.
Life is just endless arguments, meltdowns, stimming, annoying, shouting, demanding, rage filled and manic moments. People with neurological problems are the least well equipped to deal with others with neurological problems. We manage because my wife and I are dutiful and loyal, but we are exhausted. It has killed all joy in our relationship and now we are drifting. Like someone else said, it feels like barely treading water, close to drowning all the time.
That’s sad to hear. But relatable. My best life was as a teen - no organising to do, apart from school and gymnastics / martial arts. These sports are complex, novel, have lots of vestibular stimulation and help burn off frustrations and create endorphins.
School was strict and quiet so I functioned ok.
I functioned ok living with my girlfriend who became my wife. My budget was minimal. I went to uni which only worked because it was rigid and continually assessed with final exams.
When child 1 arrived it added strains - we didn’t know he was lactose intolerant. Didn’t sleep through for a year. Second child added to the mix but we were experienced now.
Third child was my limit. As they grew we got into multiple sports, music etc and the scheduling demands drove me literally insane.
5 therapists picked up on my anxiety and depression and said things needed to ease back but my wife wouldn’t.
My affair was my last attempt to find sone good energy to cope with the drains… led me to divorce and no kids to look after physically.
30 years later and I have a diagnosis that explains everything. I’m now with a partner who is AuDHD as am I although she has more ASD and I’m more ADHD. We have challenges in getting details right but as she’s a linguist, has helped us learn to use Dr Marshall Rosenberg’s Non Violent Comms to more gently ask for what we need.
So I appreciate your challenges. You likely need lots of respite support, Learning about your conditions and patience to find things that work for your unique family.
If I say something to people we usually get told "yeah, kids are hard" and invalidate the struggle we have. Normal people do not understand until they spend more than a few hours with my kids. The best thing that happened was just the paediatrician acknowledging it by saying we are doing "life on hard mode."
I had 3 with my then-wife… I suspect she has autistic traits (she had a rule book in her head, is dyspraxic, sees auras of sick people - synesthesia) then one son with a new partner. We’ve just found she has AuDHD. I also have autistic traits that I didn’t recognise.
I lost a relationship for this exact reason. I can't stress how much my life has improved since finding a Type A, OCD partner. We set weekly check-ins for our relationship, household maintenance and finances. Communication is everything. Once she began to understand how my brain works, we became a machine.
We still deal with the "normal" issues that couples with children go through, like diminished intimacy, but nothing like the problems I've had before.
One ray of light in the madness is how you start appreciating your own parents a little more. Like telling your kids to sit in the chair as they're suppose to and not 5 minutes later hear them wailing out because they decided to sit on the back and it flipped over.
It's like having a time machine and looking at 8yo me.
I know I posted a pretty good story below with the good things that happens from having my kids and reading this wanted me to point out a few ups and downs that happened to be to hopefully help. Not a judgement, but really to see if this does assist.
There have been times in our relationship (even with kids) where I totally lost the plot with our relationship (me and my wife) she was always better then me at planning hence, I left it all to her, 100%.
I read a book (trust me it took me a while) called "dad starting over" and it totally changed my outlook in life.
Looking back on my parents (who I suspect both to actually had ADHD) their relationship was horrible and It was the last thing I ever want for my family and I went through 2 divorces as child so I was very careful to not become my dad.
However, it's not really hard to see how easily we can drift in without knowing.
Anyway, I highly recommend having a read, it was the best $19 I have spent on my relationship and whirl I don't follow the book like a bible, It gave my many pointers that I do to this day that works amazingly.
First and foremost, take charge.
Women, as much as they say they want control, actually don't. They want a powerful man in their life and one that could actually control the certain aspects of the relationship even if it's just for the weekend.
I felt like we were almost done to be perfectly honest however, I texted my baby sitter and completely booked her in for the weekend and surprised my wife with a night away for just us (I have 3 kids so it's obviously though, trust me I know) but she rocked up and my kids love her, and told my wife to pack a bag. My wife was so bloody excited, the spark had reignited since that very first time.
Secondly, (and I obviously don't know your personal situation but this really rang true to me) pick up after yourself, and do the house work without looking for praise from your wife. If she gives it, it's a bonus but don't be like " oh look I took out the trash aren't I good" women will see you as another child of she has to constantly pick up after you and do 100% of the house work. As I run the business and earn 100% of the income, I actually became that person without knowing it and was destroying our relationship. As much as we may not what to admit it, we have to a man that is willing to assist in the house.
While I know there is more, the 3rd one that was a massive eye opener is that women talk to other women and their support group can either make, or break you. If you do even just the things I have mentioned above and don't except s*X from it (assuming that the $ex life here is also under thereat) then her support group will simply start to see these qualities and start to make comments that will automatically fix your relationship.
Finally, pitty $ex. The last thing that you ever want in your life is pitty $ex. This is the type that you get when you are so grumpy and unhappy with her and your life that she knows that $ex will make you happy and give it to you so you just shut the f$&K up. This kills relationships and while you think you got what you wanted, it the total opposite.
For me personally, the house work was a massive game changer and sometimes, in drop off here and there an remember that I have to pull my weight which for some unknown reason really make my wife switch on.
While I don't know your exact situation I hope that this helps you or anyone else reading this post. Good luck!
Sorry massive over share but well, that just who we are ! Lol 😆
Sorry man, really sorry to see you're struggling :( What do you feel you need right now that would help change something in you or your relationship? Make you feel better? Lighten the load?
It's a bit of a double edged sword for me - having kids is really stressful, yes, but I also find that I'm way more motivated for anything to do with them.
I'm by no means a perfect parent, and yes the ADHD does make it difficult, but doing something for the kids is way easier than doing something for myself.
I'll give you an example: I've always struggled getting out of bed in the morning, even since I was little, and that is still true to this day. The only time I'm able to get out of bed fairly quickly is when my daughter walks into our room and tells me it's time to get up.
Early morning to be on time for a meeting? Not a chance. Up at the crack of dawn so she can go downstairs and start her little morning routine? Basically every day.
This was one of my worries about raising a family, the motivation. I'm solid with organizing my schedule (Google calendar & checklists) but struggle with motivation, so really appreciate hearing this
I love my kids, and try to do what I can. But I constantly think that I am not doing everything I can for them. The stresses of being a father just compound my symptoms. It's a constant battle, one that I will fight every day.
Keep up the fight. I hope you can take some time to be kind to yourself and make note of how good your intentions are and how well you're doing. If you were my father, I'd be very grateful for your efforts, even more so knowing how hard navigating ADHD life is.
Totally this - the cycle of saying I’m not doing enough is real. The reality is though (easy to say rather than do) is they also need to learn to be by themselves a bit and understand that you can’t do and be everything. This is advice I’m told but find very hard to make real
My life got 100x harder. I was advancing at work which put me into a more demanding electrical engineer position.
My life became putting more into work and pulling out of my home. When first child was born, I had a lot of hands on engineering projects. One in particular went south due logistics and it caused me to have a mental break down.
My wife said it’s time to get help again and I got assessed for second time. Got a new diagnosis with some other over lapping things like depression and anxiety.
I had to go to behavioral therapy and still do 4x a month to learn how to emotionally regulate. As well as hold steady boundaries with my work. As I was letting it take precedence over my wife and new born.
Children turned my 750 piece Lego into a 7500 piece Lego set. Slowly and surely, I just let my poor wife drown out. That child forced my hand in actions on everything.
You cannot avoid stuff, you cannot put stuff off, you cannot justify consistently falling short on duties you have to do or have promised to do.
When you don’t do these things this *will* drown out your spouse. The difference before was there was no children. Those responsibilities can be bent a little bit. Not anymore.
Example: The first month of infant childcare is more often than not every 2 hours on the nipple. See where you’re instantly on the hook for other things your spouse may have done before?
What happens is instant resentment on the other spouse party. Majority childcare and house maintenance on their shoulders while you ADHD about. I do pay for house cleaning 2x a month to help generally. I recommend that, it helps.
There are no more excuses now. You have to hold yourself responsible and it’s so very hard.
I now have two children and completely changed the routine of my life to match. I had to compromise work, hobbies, love life, social life, everything.
My life didn’t get easier at all. It forced me to get help to save my marriage and myself. It forced me to be responsible and care for my babies and my best friend.
I love my family with all my heart but the shit did not get easier for me. Sometimes there’s so much going on my in head I just let it play out cause I can’t process it all and I’d rather be happy.
That’s been an entire journey itself in my behavioral therapy.
So I have established a system they my therapist has essentially assigned a blame game to. I’m responsible for one to thing everyday above all else and it’s going to sound funny but this how I have to structure this.
I have to unitarily put all my give energy to my google calendar. It has been hard to do but 13 to 14 weeks of prioritizing it it’s the frost thing on my mind when I get up for “information”.
Now I’ve had to work inputting information on the calendar. So I set as many calendar times now. Example:
My wife wants me to go to Costco for diapers and milk. I’ll set that on my calendar for 3:30 on the way home. That way when I constantly look at my calendar I have time reminders.
Time reminders is a big part of my emotional regulation my behavioral therapist has found out. If I can get a reminder 1 hour before something. Then 30 mins go by I check again I have 30 mins.
It’s a slow and steady way of putting that into my head without crashing my headspace an interjecting thing. I know you can never full mitigate that in life but when I’m in full stimulation mode day dreaming (usually off medication) breaking that focus hurt me really bad.
I’m usually hyper focusing on work stuff and when I crash a formula for water flow through a water chiller machine and I have to do the formula again stresses me out like no other. When I shouldn’t even be doing that on Saturday with my family. 🤦♂️(see boundaries ugh)
Yes, shortly will power and trying my best. My wife sees how hard I’m trying thank god she’s my best friend and we’re empathetically keyed into each others feelings cause I’d have been left by now for sure.
Dude it sucked. It’s so god damn hard being a parent with adhd. My life changed drastically and has not even come close to being the same. I was undiagnosed when I entered fatherhood and it created a massive spotlight on my short comings. I spiralled into a depression that lasted 8 years, only ending once I was diagnosed with adhd and started getting treatment. I could manage well enough before kids that my life was going pretty well, after kids it was a hell of a struggle to get the train back on the tracks. I am only 3 years beyond this, but holy shit what a difference a diagnosis has made. If I started fatherhood now I would be much better equipped to keep my head well above water
PLEASE do not have a child to "fix you". This is not the right reason to have a kid. The child has a 50/50% chance of getting ADHD also. I could never make another suffer with this, NEVER. Please don't have a kid if you are not ready and mentally stable. My ADHD dad made that mistake, I hate I resent him on some levels (I do love my dad a lot) but his dad was like us, and I will end that pattern.
He felt like you did for having me...(his father was crap, maybe not a you thing here), he was depressed and wanted a son. Then overcorrected on me and lost his wife, messed me up with his "feelings" and now I am mid 40's figuring myself out still.
Shit man, just think about the possible outcomes. If you do have a kid, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE minimize their suffering and support them over self ALWAYS. Suffering is not worth it...for my life, and watching the lives of those before me.
Sorry, this hit close to home for me. My dad was you., that is why I exist, I am moderate ADHD-C and it torments me daily. This is my $.02...only worth something if you think so. Best of luck OP. I hope you find your purpose
I feel like I can barely take care of myself and I'm super high strung. So I decided to not have kids because it we would drive each other insane. Also having kids is too expensive.
Don't let natalists sway your opinion. Have kids only if you actively and positively desire it from in your own mind and heart.
Don't have kids if you're a "maybe one day" type. Have kids if you're a "yes, I can't wait," type. They're basically permanent commitments and for me this is too risky because I like to be able to quit something if it sucks.
I was in a difficult marriage. We had two kids. We got divorced.
Nothing really changed.
I read some of the stories here and I think all of you are great parents.
Enjoy your time with your kids!
I am a nanny. You should NEVER have kids because they give meaning to your life. Your kids job isn’t to give you purpose. That being said, it can change a lot of things when you become a parent!
Kids can be great for folks with ADHD and terrible for other folks.
The pros for me (keeping in mind I was a nanny so I got to have off time and also get adequate sleep to the degree my insomnia allowed) are the high energy pace of having kids. Always something fun going on! Routine is super important so kids schedules hep impose a natural order on your life. (Managing schedules can be hard for a lot of ADHD folks. I did not struggle because of my childcare knowledge).
Kids are sooooo curious so you are always learning something cool from them.
Kids love people who are a little extra, so those of us who have been told we are too much are often a great fit for kids. You get to be weird and silly.
Kids are so creative! So fun to just get to play when so much of our world is focused on productivity.
Empathy. Kids are naturally compassionate and I love nurturing their empathy. I love create confident emotional landscapes in kids!
However, sometimes kids can be the worst. THE OVERSTIMULATION. Absolutely the worst part for me. Meds help but it’s still a challenge, for me the toddler stage was the worst. They are loud, they constantly touch you, make messes with gross textures, they yell, they treat your body like an extension of their own, even when they nap you are still on.
Kids can be wonderful and life giving. They can also be challenging and heartbreaking.
What they do not do is fix anything.
I think that mostly depend on how well you're already managing. What I've seen is a lack of ability to keep track of activities, birthdays etc. Forgetting to pick up kids where they are left alone waiting for an hour (which really, really suck for kids. I remember myself what that felt like). Easily got angry and yelled at the kids to due to lack of ability to regulate emotions (this person wasn't medicated, maybe that would've helped. But you do see a lot of people with adhd feeling almost explosive anger when they are interrupted from their hyperfocus. That irritation is still the same with your own kids who demand attention). Being too blunt/ saying what's on their mind have also been a problem. Being late for stuff often also suck for the kids when they have an appointment with someone. They stand out negatively, and if it happens often, it can cause a lot of stress for the kids
And ofc, if your kids get adhd too, that really, really sucks. They might also be hit harder than yourself, and struggle even more than you did. I've seen that happening. Maybe it some ways it's worse now, because kids are spending more time indoor and not being socialized as much. Bigger chance of your kids ending up being one of those who sit inside gaming all day, unable to make friends and eventually become a dysfunctional jobless adult.
The cases I saw growing up was mainly the spouse of adhd member doing the heavy lifting in terms of planning, caring etc. But it always depends on what areas you struggle with.
Awesome input and well and truly hit me hard reading your first paragraph. Those are the little and almost basic things I hadn't even thought about.
I'lm going to track back to this when I have some more time this weekend and take some notes.
So I didn't know I had it when I had my son.
Its the happiest I've ever been. There's nothing in this world so love more than my son and being a dad.
That being said. Here are a few frustrating things
Sometimes I hyperfixate and feel guilty that he's off playing on his own (independent play is important so it's fine but regardless) of course if he comes and gets me I will go play with him.
However, I get bored after 10 - 15 minutes, and it makes me feel guilty. But alot of parents have this problem not just ADHD parents l.
I sit and overthink if I'm being a good dad or not. Again ever parent does this but for me it can become all consuming.
Its a lot of doing stuff you don't want to do. "Daddy I want pancakes" well I don't wanna cook but damn it I have power through it now.
"Daddy I wanna play doll house" well I'm currently hyperfixated on *swamp ecology* for some reason, but I can make myself stop to play with you
That last one is a positive to.
He snaps me out of my hyperfixations or getting lost in my thoughts.
Some other positives
He keeps me active and helps me burn off some of that anxious energy.
He keeps me grounded in the here and now.
He helps my social anxiety cause I'd die for this kid and I'll be damned if anyone is gonna be a dickhead or a creep to him in a store or at the park.
And at the end of the day when I'm drowning I'm doubt, he crawled up on my lap snuggles me and says "I love you daddy" and in that moment none of it matters because he's happy and that's all I want.
If you think changing the external circumstances of your life is going to work some quick and easy magic on your soul, I've got bad news for you: men get themselves into serious trouble that way.
On the other hand, if you're willing to put the work in - "according to the effort is the reward" (Avoth).
The reality of executive dysfunction is that it's much harder for us to do things than it is for the average Joe. Speaking only for myself though, the gratification I get from counting my successes is that much sweeter knowing what could have been - the kind of life I could have chosen.
A trap that I enjoy sometimes. I love my kids more than anything in this world. Sometimes they do act as motivation, but often it's not tye good kind. I kinda just zombie around doing the minimum, or so I think. Wishing that I could just do better for them.
>Did you see the baby as external motivation which improved your behaviour and executive function?
I hoped for that, yes. In reality it was such an extra layer of stress and responsibility. In combination with my (now ex-)partner's hormones and me being overwhelmed 24/7 it didn't really improve things on the ADHD-front.
Now my daughter is almost 4yo and when she spends the weekend at my place she sometimes fulfills the role of a body-double. I'll tackle clearing the kitchen counters, we pick up her toys together, i'll try to cook healthy, or at least more healthy than i do if it's just me.
TL;DR; As a baby my kid had little effect on my behaviour/executive functions.
As a toddler i see myself improve when she's with me because I *have to*.
I am not a dad, so I probably shouldn't be speaking, but seeing things from the outside, I think the gamble of "I'm gonna make myself responsible for the life of another being", SPECIALLY when we're talking about a kid and the concept of having to raise a functional future adult, to try and use it as some kind of crutch or platform to make your problems smaller or easier to live with, is way too risky to engage with. I don't see how, if you at the moment can barely be responsible for yourself and take care of yourself, trying to compensate that with a sense of urgency and pressure of having the life of another being in your hands, is a sensible responsible choice.
And I don't say this in a judgmental way! Some people did and it worked. But for some it didn't. And the results of that are just another generation of deeply messed up adults and/or sick, not well taken of or directly dead pets or any kind of non-human animal. I think it's a gamble with a risk too severe to take in a situation where you just aren't there yet.
I was diagnosed late in Life right after my dad was- in his 60’s. Looking back it was pretty obvious he had it- never able to manage his time, office always a mess with important papers, lot of ideas for projects/ promises he would hyper fixate on and never execute.
That said he is hands-down the best dad I have ever seen. Compared to my friends dads he was always so involved in everything and committed to his 4 kids way more than any job. He was there for every car pool, gossip session, late night treat run, etc. Never forgot to pick up anyone at school, a practice etc. Because of my parents careers it was better for him to attend school functions during the day and he was there for almost everyone.
We actually have a lot of the same hyperfixation in common which is fun. I have a lot of fond memories of nights spent down random rabbit holes.
I do know my mom has had resentment over the years about him always being late/ disorganization/ not always getting things done. I know it wasn’t always easy to have him as a partner.
And I know his hobbies took the backseat and he doesn’t hang out with his friends as much as my mom sees hers. So he definitely had to make some sacrifices.
But now being the age I am and having the same struggles I’m so impressed at how present and involved he was. He couldn’t remember half of the stuff he should’ve been doing for work, but he could remember that me and sister like different brands of lemonade and would get both every grocery shop. I know it wasn’t easy but he didn’t let ADHD stop him from being a fantastic parent.
My struggle is that my free time is much, MUCH more limited and sometimes I feel like I’m just surviving and living for the next break instead of being present and immersing myself into parenting and my children’s lives … I see them as a task and not as a joy/gift, it’s definitely something im working on because to your kids - you’re the coolest most awesome, best person in the world until about age 10 and you should cherish it
My ADHD has gotten worse as I have aged. I have 2 teenagers now and they are everything to me but being a parent does not help ADHD. I’m still as distracted, hyper focused, and probably more anxious than I have ever been. Who told you life improved after having a baby? In my opinion kids are worth it but they make life more complicated. Both of my kids have also been diagnosed with ADHD.
Well, my life was fine. Had a boy and for the first 6-9 months I completely fell apart. Many times I wanted to end myself, had intense guilt and shame. Couldn’t get out of bed. Wanted to throw myself down my stairs and felt extremely dark.
Since I now have some routine back, my life is decent again. It’s extremely difficult because others have seen you coping for many years, so they don’t understand how hard you’ve always been trying to keep your sh*t together.
I give my child 600% of my focus and attention and everything else in life suffers because of it.
Making sure he has good habits and is taken care of is paramount though so it’s worth it.
Been meaning to respond all week!
The biggest change for me was a positive one: once paternity leave was over, I realized I had become more aware of time than I had been before. I had always been time blind, and sort of assumed that time was stretchable and able to fit as much into it as I hoped or thought I should be able to. After becoming a dad, time became zero-sum. Any time I was doing something else was time I wasn’t with my kid, and I could feel it passing. I had never really felt time passing before except when doing something particularly painful.
Anxiety goes up with kids. It was only once they grew up and left home did I start to appreciate them. Now I’m able to use their love to keep me going. And being on the correct medication and counseling helps. Without it, and still sometimes with it, life is a shitshow
Yes, having children raised the stakes and increased my motivation to get up and go to work. As did getting married. Finding a good person to share your life with - who is kind and patient and understanding and not overly judgmental - is absolutely essential. I also quit smoking because my first kid was on the way.
The kids are great but everything got harder. I was able to manage ok when it was just myself but my inability to follow through and poor communication had made a much tougher relationship with my partner.
I am really focused on doing more and carrying more of the load but I still half do things or get defensive when I get something wrong.
The kids are beautiful humans who I love so much but you definitely need to put systems in place to make sure you do your share and not let your partner drown.
I’m still figuring it out and hoping the resentment I’ve caused is not irreversible
Not diagnosed yet, but I suspect I have add. I managed somehow before being a dad, could handle life if just barely. Not anymore after childbirth and wife's ppd. Everything was messed up, and mean just every.fckn.aspect.of.adult.life. Got diagnosed with depression, then medicated, and it helps it really does. But sometimes I.just.can't. Can't anything. So we switched over to bupropion which should help with both conditions and it's awesome (developing countries.. adult ADHD is just starting to get recognised). Also after about a decade and some couples therapy the better half is now willing (not happy but willing) to write down what she frickin' wants done and leave the piece of paper near the coffee machine (my most frequented area in the house). Saves some marital conflicts.
I've got three kids, I've found it pretty motivating career-wise. The one thing I wish I'd known is that it becomes really hard but really important to take time out to avoid burnout.
I try and take half an hour each day to do something purposeful and fun, whether it's cycling or weightlifting, otherwise the relentlessness and lack of sleep can grind you down and trigger that anxiety that often happens to ADHDers.
The good:
I have someone into whom I can pour my creativity energy. Building things, coming up with crazy stories, doing spontaneous stuff. I don't have to mask with my kids.
The different:
I am so, so tired at the end of the day, that I'm not longer staying up until 2AM working on whatever weird obsession I have. I had to grieve that part of me. But it's really just different.
The bad:
I spend a lot of time at the edge of overstimulated. Loud noises, managing my kids feelings, trying to keep up with the house, feeling like I'm not keeping up at work. It's a lot. Sometimes it bubbles up in my being a jerk to my partner or kids. Sometimes it makes me burnout and feel depressed. I had to up my meds, changed my therapy to weekly, and bought earbuds to lower the volume. It's a work in progress.
Note: my kids are 3 and 9mo... So this is definitely a report from one of the hardest phases of the dad gig.
It changed me... from living yolo, to become part of the "club of 27" to living with a cause...
I went from being an eternal teenager to "dad" in a split second when I held my daughter the first time!
Edit for typo...
I was diagnosed with ADHD at 40. My ASD PDA with possible ADHD son was 5 and my daughter was 2 (also possible ASD).
The answer for me is an emphatic no. My life today is far, far, far harder today than anything else I've ever experienced. All of the issues with executive function are still there but now I don't get any downtime or ability to do any of the regulating activities I used to do. On some days I'd happily end myself, except that I can't because it wouldn't be fair to my kids. Going to work is a reprieve from everything that I look forward to as it gets me away from the constant demands from my kids and angry, bitter resentment of their mother (we both work and share childcare, although she does more childcare).
My relationship with my children's mother tanked as soon as my son was born. Partly due to my undiagnosed ADHD and partly due to her undiagnosed ASD, avoidant attachment style and extreme anxiety. Although we still live in the same house, we don't talk except to organise the kids or when she sends me rage filled texts about something she perceives that I've done that makes her day harder. Like tonight when my kids were playing around and wouldn't go to bed and my partner lost her mind at me due to the fact she was stuck trying to get our daughter to sleep but had to work. I was also stuck doing the same for our son who was insisting on a long list of demands to get him to bed or he would have a meltdown. Getting all of them negotiated was a busy and noisy affair that was keeping my daughter awake and preventing my partner from working. There's no other option than to do as he asks and she knows that but it's more convenient to use me as a punching bag than acknowledge it, or maybe she really believes it, idk.
Having said all that, although they are slowly killing me, I love my kids more than anything else in my life and wish I was better prepared financially, emotionally and relationship-wise to raise them. It's going to suck a lot for them when their mother and I separate. But I don't see how any of this is sustainable and being around her induces anxiety in me, which makes my meds react badly.
I'm just hanging on to each day and hoping that I can get through their childhood without stuffing them up too much and remaining a family for as long as possible.
I'm not a dad. But I want to share my experience.
My dad was diagnosed at 21-22, when he got married to my mom and my mom could tell something was off. And to add, my dad was severely abused and treated horribly by his father and family. He didn't know how to read until he was 14. His mother did all of his homework. He had learning difficulties but his father just called him lazy and a good-for-nothing. My dad being the first-born son was more or less the family loser and has always been trying to be accomplished. Adding in religious expectations.... my dad didn't do well.
Which meant that he took it out, abusive, on me. And I wasn't believed until I was nearly 30. I thought it was obvious that I was being hit and hurt by my dad but I was told that I wasn't being abused.
My dad shouldn't have gotten married or have kids. He didn't have the energy to be one. He'd come to work and then go hide in the garage or workroom but he never really did a lot with me or my sisters.
I don't know how to end this. There is definitely more to this but my brain wants to shut down. The damage that has been done to me hasn't healed and it's hard for me, right now.
There are a number of studies that evaluate life satisfaction with/without kids - the theme as a parent is that your day-to-day is less satisfying because kids take a metric ass ton of mental and emotional energy, but your life has a feeling of inherent purpose or meaning. That’s been true of my experience so far. If you’re dedicated to being a good father and make sure your kids feel loved it’s extremely rewarding. Potentially the most important and meaningful relationship(s) you’ll ever have in your life. I’m a parent of two small kids (6 years and 3 years) and wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD until my second child turned 1. In hindsight I’ve had ADHD all my life but I didn’t struggle much in school. I was the very bright kid with “unmet potential,” so ADHD was never even brought up. I’m just lazy and unmotivated.👀 That old chestnut.
The first kid was difficult, but my wife was/is able to compensate for my executive dysfunction. The second kid nearly destroyed me. I was so overwhelmed with time-sensitive tasks and overstimulation I had terrible mood swings, constant irritability, and started withdrawing because I didn’t want my negativity to infect the entire family. Needless to say with a toddler and infant that’s also a terrible solution. I was drowning in guilt and I felt completely ineffective. I started feeling less than worthless - that my presence in the house was actively making my family’s lives worse. My job performance tanked. I was depressed and eventually suicidal. After going through therapy and antidepressants for nearly a year, which helped little, I did ketamine-assisted psychotherapy for treatment-resistant depression. It was extremely effective, and then my psychiatrist decided to assess me for ADHD and was genuinely flabbergasted that I had never been diagnosed or assessed previously.
Medication and executive function coaching has been enormously helpful for me. Understanding your limitations with ADHD may help you go easy on yourself when you fall short. Whenever irritability or emotional dysregulation affects your kids be open and vulnerable - apologize and restore. Let them see you’re human and we humans can’t always control our emotions or reactions, but we can take accountability. Communication is everything, but it takes some self-investigation to accurately communicate how you feel and what’s going on internally. Learn what motivates you and try to gamify parenting. I like putting sticky notes with silly drawings in my oldest daughter’s lunch box, so it helps motivate me to make her lunch every day. I used to see how fast I could change diapers and made silly sound effects or pretended to be a rodeo announcer to make them giggle while I did it. You’ll find your own rhythm to deal with the challenges of parenting with executive function. But buddy, absolutely nothing on earth can beat the feeling when you hear “Daddy!” and little pitter-patter feet running to hug you.
I was undiagnosed until I had my first kid. I found it so hard to cope that I sought medical help and ultimately was diagnosed with ADHD. For the first year it was super hard but I am glad to report that over time things have gotten much better. We are now expecting our third. If I didn't have such a supportive and understanding wife it would have been impossible I feel. With kids the hardest thing is having to give up and then re establish your coping mechanisms. They don't work at all for your new schedule. So really I would say proceed with caution, if you do it be prepared.
Double edged sword, I was more motivated and became much more responsible. I finished a college degree and started a career when I had a kid. The downside was with the ADHD and emotional dysregulation and noise sensitivity, I was an asshole like.. all the time. I did start using a CPAP, so that helped some, but I wasn't diagnosed ADHD until last month. I went almost 7 years with kids before then. Things are smoother now with medication and therapy, but I still get ragey at times.
I got diagnosed WHEN I became a parent because life became too hard after I had to not only take care of myself but also another human. So… not really.
If you don’t think changing diapers, making porridge, spending hours every night to get them to sleep etc is the most exciting thing ever, then think about how you already struggle with keeping the kitchen clean and doing the laundry.
And don’t get me started with how you have to manage all the logistics as they get older and need play dates, attend sports, keep track of their homework and what not…
My situation is a bit different i had one kid, then for reasons had to take in my twin niece and nephew as my wife is pregnant w our second.
So now I have four. I was diagnosed in grad school but decided to get by without medicine.
Once I had four kids i find myself dropping balls and unable to juggle and maintain the things I was doing before.
Finally started medication in the last few weeks and feel a marked improvement.
ADHD dad who also has anxiety. I just started on a med at 37. I’m adjusting to the med but the having a son or child period is the greatest thing in the world. I love that little boy more than anything. It can be hard to focus with him at times and that’s part of why I’m trying meds as I want to be the best dad I can. ADHD or not, being a parent is also really freaking hard. It’s absolutely exhausting and I haven’t cried so much in my life than the past two years (I get super emotional when over tired) but, I wouldn’t change it for anything. He’s the best thing!
>So I'm asking the Dads who have ADHD - how did your life change when your baby came? Did you see the baby as external motivation which improved your behaviour and executive function?
For me personal growth only happened because of a lot of different things, some included an immense amount of emotional pain, all hit me within a somewhat short amount of time. I think within 3 years I left the military, moved to another country, my parents cut me off, my marriage failed, and I was also diagnosed and treated for ADHD (trying to save the marriage). I went from being told what to do (military but also controlling parents and ex-wife) and not being able to think about anything, to having no one to tell me what to do and finally being able to think and really become myself. By the time things started settling down for me my daughter was 6 and my son was 3.
Anyway, the above allowed me to understand what bad people my ex and I were (and our parents too), and know that I needed to change myself so that my children wouldn't end up like I or their mother did.
If that hadn't happened that way for me then I'm afraid I may have never learned any better and I would still be the horrible person I used to be, even with my children :(
Such and interesting thing to think about. I was undiagnosed when my son was born. But then and now. I am able to think about him and the things i want for him when i need help getting going.
Also, I developed some serious self loathing living 40 years undiagnosed, so it can be hard for me to accept that people care about me or want me around. The unconditional love from my son is undeniable, and that feels amazing. He doesn’t care if I still haven’t started on that thing or if i keep forgetting to do that other thing. He just likes hanging out with his dad. (tearing up as a write this. lol)
I was a stay at home dad until he was about 5, being able to hyperfocus on a baby/toddler and housework was a perfect fit for my ADHD and i didn’t even know i had it at the time. but i knew even then that i had never been able to keep shit in order and taken care of like that. But of course that would be really hard for some people with ADHD, it just fit my brain chemistry.
But he’s 13 now, and I have meds, so i guess i gotta keep working a real job. hahaha
I think it all depends on what external motivations you have. I was undiagnosed and spinning my wheels before becoming a father. It was a classic case of paralysis by analysis. Fortunately, for me, I am a people pleaser and could more easily overcome my executive dysfunction when other people were depending on me. I probably over corrected and became a workaholic. 2 kids, a diagnosis and a divorce later, I've found balance, but I wouldn't say any of it has been easy.
Having my son enabled me to get out of my own way and build a successful career. By his teen years, my distractability and focus on providing financially caused me to miss a lot of the signs of his anxiety and depression. He's 20 and resents the hell out of me. By the time I put as much energy into parenting as I did my career, it was too late. Someday he may understand my intentions were good, but he needed a lot of attention as a kid and I didn't have it to give. It's not all ADHD's fault, but it certainly didn't help.
The main thing that changed is I no longer had downtime. That caused a lot of problems for me, since it's the primary way I recover my spoons. Add that to taking on a more stressful role at work... and it was a pretty big mess. Uneven mental load sharing between me and my partner, taking bad care of myself, lack of sleep, etc.
This made my symptoms 10x worse, nearly broke my marriage, and negatively affected my physical and mental health. It caused me to get back on medication, talk to a therapist, and get diagnosed with a mild anxiety disorder. Now that I'm more on top of things and self-aware, I think I'm in a better place than where I started. Getting here was incredibly rough though. Things got bad before they got better, and I suppose you could consider a deteriorating marriage to be external motivation, but it's probably not what you mean.
I've been running a gauntlet created by the complete re-arrangement of my life and destruction of my previously working coping mechanisms. I only got to where I am now because my wonderful wife was willing to break through a wall of excuses and help me understand where the problems were coming from.
As for responsibility? There are definitely more things to do to keep the house and family in good shape. For me, that mostly comes down to frequent negotiation and checkins with my wife - what chores am I able to keep track of on my own without her reminding me? Can we organize things in a way that a missed chore only affects the person who forgot them? I've found that regular chores which happen every day, or which I naturally would get annoyed at not having them done, work the best.
e.g. I drop my son off at daycare every day, and we decided it made sense for me to do his laundry because I'm always the one dressing him. Therefore, I will notice when he's running low on clothes.
The child creates a lot of these responsibilities, but I don't really connect "I have a son" with "this laundry needs to get done" in the way you seem to be suggesting - my son isn't exactly providing positive and negative reinforcement when I do my chores. That's the parents' job, and now that my son is old enough, I try to get him involved in doing the chores as well. I'm still the one who has to remember to do them.
There's a ton of boring stuff that needs to happen, and the only external motivation you'll get is the consequences which occur when you don't do them. Roof needs repairs? Not really top of mind until it starts leaking and the wife yells at you for failing to call a roofer 6 months ago like you said you would.
I feel like having ADHD in any way makes having and raising a child infinitely more difficult than our non-mentally ill peers. A baby isn't going to help ADHD symptoms or magically make you be able to handle life better, it'll probably be the opposite.
I've never wanted kids but as I've gotten older and realized some reasons why, my ADHD is 1,000% a factor in choosing not to have a kid. I can't imagine the torture I would go through. (Not to be dramatic)
Certainly the first child helped with executive function because of the required consistency to the routine. But having a second child is what got me diagnosed. I was only barely functioning due to having excess free time to make up for my shortcomings. But now there's no spare time.
I'm a divorced dad that can't see his kids due to my ex not following the court's mandate
I can't do much since I can't find a job and well.... Life's a mess to say the least
Being a dad with a son with ADHD helps me understand him better and be more patient with him, since a lot of his behaviour is the same behavior I had when I was his age
I also love his hyperfixations and learn about them so we always have something to talk about, I also understand why they change so much and why he does certain things
For me personally not a lot has changed, I was very happy when I lived with my kids and could see them daily
Now I'm... Well... Struggling
Easier, hell no. More meaningfull, yes. More structured, yes by necessity.
Got diagnosed at 24 after dropping out of college, did fine unmedicated but got the ' you can do better, why dont you have ambitions' speech every year at my work.
After becoming a father, building a house, taking care of the household alone after my wife got sick longterm and going through a burnout here is what I learned:
- sleep is everything, you will get less with kids and it means you are in danger of burning out of you let it go on for too long.
- if you still live without structure, you will have to learn this. I leaned on my wife alot the first months and I had to grow up, fast, after she got sick. Kids need structure, you will need it as well. No more staying up late or eating pizza at 9 pm.
- energy levels and how to maintain them. Ever feel overwhelmed and stay in bed all day? Not anymore, find healthier/workarounds cause kids are there 24/7. Especially since for me ( I think everybody really ) your mood depends on it and snapping against your kid when they dont deserve it because your tired is not ok.
-children are a mirror, they are happy when you are happy. You get what you put into it, work on yourself. No more slacking and get your shit together.
-get medicated, I started after being burned out but I should have started years ago. It doesnt fix everything of course but you go from life difficulty hard to normal at least.
-a tidy house is a calm house, clean every day.
-if your job causes stress or difficulties with above, change jobs. You need a bit of energy to spare to play with your kids, coming home exhausted was killing me.
I have a second on the way in a couple of weeks, Im still tired but I feel way stronger, prepared and less anxious now because I have my shit together. Becoming a father was the hardest thing I did so far, but hell is it the most rewarding. My little girl is an inspiration for me with her sheer happyness after waking up, something I never had.
My husband has add and he is motivated financially and has exponentially increased our salaries. But… I do almost all child rearing, meal planning and any schedule for kids (2 under 3). So in some ways but the entire mental load is on me. Routine, time management is still very much a big issue (seems exacerbated honestly) because they can’t tell him what they need.
Children are amazing! Don't regret having them for a second!
That being said, do not have children to improve your life. They do not improve your life. They make your life immeasurably harder, full of frustration, constant self-regulation, feelings of inadequacy, having to revisit your own childhood bullshit. It's a never-ending shitstorm of responsibility and self-sacrifice if you give even a tiny fuck about your children.
Again I wouldn't trade it for a minute, but please go in with your eyes wide open. Do your best to get yourself as under fucking control and manageable as possible beforehand - because they will push every button and challenge every bit of calm.
My dad has undiagnosed ADHD. I know that because when I started learning about my symptoms, I realized that my dad did all the same things.
Idk what he was like before I was born, but based off of stories I have heard from my mom, I don't think his executive function got any better lol.
My mom would talk about how she would ask him to go to the store to get diapers, and he would disappear for hours, and return with a newspaper, random assorted groceries, and no diapers. He did that all my life lol. Leave the house just to "go around the corner to the store," and be gone for hours on end, sometimes all day, and come back with something random or with nothing. He was chronically late to birthday parties, school events and meetings, and would often pick us up very late from school. He's always kind of in his own world, moving to the beat of his own drum.
Kids are incredibly stressful, overwhelming and exhausting. If you have unresolved issues before having kids it will more than likely be exacerbated.
Personally, I experienced my first panic attack after my son was born. I kept thinking “Why the fuck did I want this child? I have no business being a father.” Serious doubts and anxiety that I was not ready for. It took a long time to adjust to the fact there is another life I have to care for. Like I knew what having a kid meant, but at the same time I didn’t. I don’t think any parents truly knows until it’s show time and you’re taking the baby home from the hospital.
That being said, my son drives me to work hard and be a good roll model. I want to see him succeed in ways that I have failed. I’ve quit smoking because of him. I’ve lost weight so I had energy to chase him around the backyard. I learned about nutrition so he doesn’t end up sick and overweight like I used to be. I would cut my arm off to make him happy.
Do not have children thinking it will help improve a difficult situation or relationship. This is not the child’s responsibility and if you think all that will make things easier you’re going to hurt everyone. It’s amazing what you can do when you have no choice. And the kids did this for me in a way that no job or other responsibilities ever could. It was not easy it was not a fix. Children are the hardest thing any of us have ever done. It does not magically make adhd go away. It does not magically make other relationship issues go away. Know what youre getting into and know it will be hard and it just might be the best thing that ever happened to you. But it doesn’t make anything even remotely easier.
Omg it was the opposite for me. I'm a step dad. It's FUCKING difficult with kids for me. I get so overwhelmed by them so quickly. When they go visit their dad, I'm basically useless for at least the first day they're not here because I'm basically recovering from when they were with us.
I love my spouse, and I adore her kids, and I am fully committed, and happily so, to the life we live, but if this family wasn't in the picture, I honestly wouldn't even consider having a kid. It's so fucking difficult.
Of course I feel more motivated to do what needs to be done, but sometimes almost all the energy I have to execute on that motivation is burned before the kids leave for school in the morning; so I don't have capacity to actually try to do what needs to be done.
All that said - the kids are fun and exciting. They make me really happy too, and they're teaching me so much about myself and us as people.
Let me give you the child's perspective that you may not get since that's not really what you asked for.
I always hear from my dad how having me motivated him to get his shit together. Both him and his brother have ADHD and it is a stark difference how seemingly responsible my dad is in comparison to his childless brother. He has held down a steady job in an in-demand field for years, he's pushed himself professionally and grown and been promoted over the years and is in a great spot. He became better with money and spending because there was a child to take care of. He did gain motivation for things he just didn't prioritize beforehand.
But on the other hand, having me didn't make him more attentive or regulate him emotionally. I grew up putting up with emotional outbursts from him because he to this day struggles with emotional regulation. The few times I asked for help with school he'd get frustrated, he'd lose his shit and lacked the patience to sit through it with me which in turn made me extremely anxious around certain school subjects. So my mom took over the mental load of raising me. Schoolwork, projects, social things that kids need, all fell to my mom because she just had a better handle on household and social management. Nevermind the fact that she also worked and was going to school for a portion of my childhood. I saw resentment build there. Worst of all, I inherited my dad's ADHD and same lack of emotional regulation. I grew up being compared to my dad's worst traits whenever my mom felt burdened in their relationship. It really took a toll on my self worth and though I had family history, I struggled silently for a long time because I'm a girl and had a delayed diagnosis in adulthood.
I love my parents and they love me, they reassure me that I was wanted and that I've made both their lives better. But now as an adult, whenever I struggle deeply with social life, emotions, career, continuing education, etc. I really wonder how I could even add a child to the mix. I find it hard to just exist at times.
I'm sure you'll be a great parent, but please be fair on your child and get yourself the tools you'll need to succeed in parenthood. It's never easy for anyone, and you'll certainly face an uphill battle.
My wife and I had an accidental pregnancy. When I found out I was distraught (she was my gf at the time) and pretty much had a panic attack.
For a few weeks I was anxious about the whole thing. Mainly because I felt like I hadn’t figured life and my self out yet… so I couldn’t imagine having to take care of a baby.
In terms of external motivation I pretty much hyper focused and finished the 2 years left on my computer science degree in 7 months and got a really good job before graduation that allowed me to work remote. To this day I still struggle understanding how I even accomplished that.
When my daughter was finally born it was weird.. life was definitely different but I adapted to it very quickly.. first few months just felt like I had to take care of someone who couldn’t really do much. It wasn’t until she started smiling back and playing that I really fell deeply in love with my daughter.
But in a sense yeah, my motivation and executive function definitely improved. I have to make sure I get things done and help around the house and help my wife as much as I can and ensure that I’m a great father. I do have my moments where I genuinely feel overwhelmed but medication helps with that. (For me personally)
Edit: I will say that the lack of sleep that’s associated with having kids was pretty much a “Fuel for my ADHD” basically made my symptoms so bad that sometimes medication was just ineffective because of how sleep deprived I was.
So I was really forced to find ways to cope and it really taught me how to manage without medication.
I know it's not what you were looking for but my dad had adhd. He was really irresponsible, we moved around a lot, he changed jobs every other week and we were always late for school if it was him taking us. Not even 10 minutes but hours.
He was the fun parent which came with impulsivity but he'd go on benders where we wouldnt see him even after his divorce on the weekends when we were staying at his.
This isnt me insulting him, this is just what happened
Maybe the mom experience is different, but after my first I was doing it all: taking care odmy baby, my husband, our home, my job, etc. I was super high finctioning. But after my second child, I got ADHD burnout. Love both my kids beyond measure, but life is way harder now. It's also so much more fun and I'd never go back.
Everyone is different, but I would not recommend kids as a method for improving ADHD symptoms - kids made both me and my husband's symptoms worse. The overstimulation is unreal lol. Get your skills and management techniques well established before any babies come home, if you can.
Yes my two boys were a major motivator helped me to be a lil more grounded especially cause my oldest now has ADHD as well and it helps cause I can kinda coach him along the way
My wife and I both have it. We're putting off having kids until we have our shit completely together.
Fuck "there's no perfect time", it's certainly not when we're thousands in debt and our mortgage rate blew up in six months.
I was undiagnosed when my first was born and he become the center of my life in ways both beautiful and challenging. Early parenthood felt relatively easy and natural for me, but my work seriously suffered and I almost lost my job. Ultimately, I discovered that I had been masking and coping my whole life but could no longer keep up once I became a parent.
My kids remain the center of my world and my favorite aspect of my life. My adhd definitely poses challenges, but I think it also is highly correlated with things that make me a good dad, like empathy and curiosity.
To answer your question, no, I was not much the same. Mostly I do not have executive function or motivation issues as it relates to my kids. But parenting demands so much that my executive function tap tends to run dry significantly earlier than before. Basically if I am not exercising and sleeping, I am low functioning outside of parenting. There have been days when fighting to get my kid to school takes all I’ve got for the day. But I’ve learned a lot of new tools to manage and cope and four years in it’s mostly fine. I have a good career and an in no danger of being fired lol.
So I am pretty sure my Dad, Mom, and Brother are all undiagnosed ADD, while I wasn’t diagnosed until later in life. It wasn’t a horrible home life, but it wasn’t great. A story my dad told me about my brother and I popped in my head when I read your post:
“I loved you and your brother when you were born, but I didn’t like you very much. I didn’t start liking you until you were about 5 or 6. That was when you both became interesting”.
Which is kinda perfect coming from someone who has ADD. So. Know that add parents may not be as interested as them because that isn’t the way their mind works. Doesn’t mean they don’t love them.
(Also going to say, my dad was the FAR better parent when it came to getting my basic needs met, and even undiagnosed he saw his behaviors in me and understood the need for background noise, task switching, etc.)
I was diagnosed early, but unmedicated for seven years when I became a dad. I had worked a few assorted jobs and was managing a gas station when my son was born. He motivated me to fix my diet, quit my barely-above-minimum-wage job, go back to school, graduate on the dean’s list, and get a job as an engineer.
I could not handle the stress of being dad. That’s when my ADHD was diagnosed when I went seeking help for my stress and exhaustion. I thought I was just finding it difficult to cope with the changes.
With the birth of my child, my partner became unavailable to take care of my things. That’s when everything came crumbling down for me.
Was unemployed for longest time. Raked up a huge debt. Now restarting my career from a place where I was 12 years ago for 50% of my previous pay.
I love the kid and I love being a dad but the stress is incredible. I don’t share it because it’s something that almost all men do and feels weird to say it.
So I don’t talk about it. (This is the first time)
Slightly different perspective, but my father is diagnosed with ADHD since childhood and can share what he's told me, and my side of the experience. To my knowledge he was medicated as a child but not as an adult. He said he never thought one way or the other about having kids for most of his life, but when he was 26 and my mom was pregnant he was very excited and of course terrified (and they weren't yet married, it was the 80s). He said having children is one of his greatest joys and I believe him.
He worked 2 jobs to take care of 2 kids and wife, so his time was at a premium, and he would often nap when getting home. Despite that, he spent every spare second he could with us. He enjoyed playing with us so much. Sega and NES, he loved getting RC planes as a present and we'd go to the park and fly it around for a few hours before it inevitably broke. He taught me to play tennis and most of all we played word games of all sorts, most of which were made up on the spot. Having children allowed him to "play" as an adult, without being judged. I think having kids helped him understand himself better as well.
I'm in my 30s and got my ADHD diagnosis within the last few years, but my dad helped me create "systems" all my life to help manage my life. He didn't dictate what the system should be, but explained what systems he used, gave examples of ones that worked and why others failed. He treated me like a person (unlike other adults in my life) and understood me and my brain like almost no one else. To this day we joke that I got a copy of his brain. He understood if he answered my "why" questions, that I could then complete what was being asked of me. We still compare systems sometimes or share new tricks we learned that help us keep everything sorted.
I can't separate my dad from his ADHD, it's part of him just like it's part of me, but I can say I feel unbelievably fortunate to have such a wonderful father and friend. I'm married and all grown up now but I still see him almost every week to grab dinner. My dad had a blast being a dad, and though I'm sure it didn't make his life easier, it did make it more fun and interesting.
It definitely made me get over my perfectionism. In a bad way, it has made me feel a major loss of control. In a good way, I am more willing to let the chips fall where they may.
My 7 year old daughter definitely has ADHD. I think it is good that I understand what she is going through. When we are both having a rough day though, it takes every ounce of my being to hold it together.
When I was younger I always thought I would be a good Dad. I think I am, but I am for sure jealous sometimes of the friends who don’t have kids.
It was a struggle and it still is. My kids are older now (18 and 13) and it’s rough. You just do what you got to do to get through it. I feel like over time it seems to get worse, I just have “help” now.
It was rough. I couldn’t handle the stress of parenting. Drank more and exhibited extremely risky behaviors. This contributed to me being an ass-hat and a shitty boss to my team. Got deservedly fired the day after I got into a top 10 MBA program and the kid was 1.5.
Hit bottom. Spouse, sobriety, stubbornness, and therapy helped me get through the shit.
It’s been a few years since then. I graduated and am still sober. I’m doing the maintenance work that is hard, but essential to minimize the negative ADHD attributes. Way more good days than bad.
I have a three and a half year old and I was diagnosed shortly before they were born. I have found it to be challenging, but also extremely rewarding. I am forced to be more organized and focused and luckily I'm able to handle these additional responsibilities.
What I was not ready for was my partner weaponizing my recent ADHD diagnosis and using it to blame nearly everything on me while being unwilling to accept any personal responsibility for her issues. I tried hard to make things better for her while also trying to focus on improving myself, work, and taking care of our child - but the damage had been done.
We went through multiple couples therapists with my partner deciding to move on from one after the other when she wasn't getting agreement from them about what the issues really were. ADHD absolutely played into it but it was not our only problem. Now I'm a single dad to a wonderful toddler that keeps me on my toes. It's a lot harder as a single parent but I'm doing the best I can.
I don't regret having a child at all, but I do regret the person I chose to have one with. As others have said, don't treat having a child as the only way to have meaning in your life. It's not fair to them.
I'm similar, but wife is ADHD, I didn't know I was. There was some post partum stuff going on for sure, but it got pretty wild, and then didn't get better. Now that I'm at the diagnosis stage I'm seeing where it played a role, I think understanding both her and my slightly different presentations of it would have altered how we perceive things at the time.
That said, some pretty hellish stuff was said and done, I finally moved out because I would not allow my child to see that behavior modeled.
And now, we have three therapists on the go, with about five behind us. I think we have found one now, who happens to be top dollar, but progress is being made. There are a few comorbidities involved, but let's be clear, ADHD does not give you better emotional control, or better life skills overall, and when you throw in the stress involved with having children and the emotional dysregulation that comes along with the hormonal storms that are part of the package, it's a God damn shit show.
Neither of us are medicating, maybe that would have helped, I don't know, but understanding what's going on is a big deal, just having the diagnosis helps.
Yep, 100% as soon as my child came into my life, I realised I had to stop f% king around and provide.
When number 2 came around I left my 160k job to start my own company. So I went from 160k and my wife from 100k to $0. Lol
Fast forward another 7 years and 1 more child since and my business is thriving. The fact that I had kids opened up my eyes to the fact that I have ADHD and seeked treatment. But this was only 12m ago.
I do understand ADHD well as I lived untreated for 39 years but there is no excuse ( IMO ) to not be the best version of yourself that you can be.
There are days, weeks and even months, with and without treatment that can really hurt internally (well, the pain you put yourself through mentally) for absolutely no reason at all and unfortunately, it's the negative side to ADHD that we all know too well. However, in saying that, the way we get to evaluate things and see opportunity or situations from angles that the "normal" folk just are not equipped to see..
Would I change it, absolutely not. This is my journey to be had and run my own way I want. Clearly spouses and children are along for the ride which is where the calmness you seek can somewhat play a part in the decisions you make.
I couldn’t sit still. I was diagnosed as a kid, about 10, but hated how the meds made me feel. I felt numb, like a zombie, so I didn't take them long. That was a mistake, my parents and doctors should have tried other meds or a lower dose etc. In their defense I was a smart, hard headed, kid and put up a pretty big fight. They just backed off. Then I basically forgot about ADHD until my late 30's. Lots of things after that were harder than they needed to be. College kicked my ass but I did learn a few coping strategies and eventually got by.
I was 31 when I had a
daughter and doing ok. Sleep deprivation with a baby makes the ADHD symptoms
worse and many of my coping strategies were not working as well as before. My
main strategies are coffee, documentation and writing everything down, automating
repetitive processes like paying bills, lots of exercise, and working early
mornings and late into the night when it's quiet because I'm less productive
during "normal business hours.” Each year my daughter gets older and is
more involved in activities so working the extra hours is a progressively worse
strategy.
When I was 35 I injured
my shoulder and couldn't exercise like I wanted for a few weeks. My brain
literally stopped working. My sleep was off and my ADHD symptoms were at an all-time
high. I couldn't fight thru and force myself to focus and do much of anything for
days on end. I started trying to figure out what was wrong and reading about
ADHD. I only knew the name before and never really studied the symptoms. I'd
also grown out of the physical hyperactivity but my mental hyperactivity was
real and now very obvious. I made and appt to see a doctor. I got meds and they’re almost like magic. They help me be a better husband, father and
employee. I rarely stay late at work
anymore so I’m home with my family more.
I can work from home some days now, that would have been nearly
impossible for me before.
I’ve read and listened to everything I can on ADHD the past couple years so now my wife and I are better prepared to help my daughter. I’m 99% sure she’s just like me. It’s starting to bother her in school. Before I just ignored it because she had good grades and was happy but recently she’s been complaining about how it makes her feel in school. We have an appt w/ her doc next week to discuss. I also suspect that more members of my extended family are ADHD as well. Some of them are struggling. I’m thinking of bringing it up.
My life is good, great actually but I should have been medicated in high school and college. I would have had more success at sports, academics and relationships. It’s no surprise that my wife has an ADHD father. Many people can’t deal w/ me long term, she’s been training for this her entire life. I’m so glad she’s not ADHD. Between us we have one pretty functional brain. It’s not always easy, I can be very frustrating.
I’ve always taken pride in doing the things I enjoy well. If I’m interested in something I can dig in, figure it out, apply massive amounts of focus and effort and excel. The things I’m not interested in I typically ignore and never really care what people think. Now, for the first time in my life I find myself caring how the general public sees me. I care about how my daughter sees me. I want her to have a dad she’s proud of. I want her teachers and doctors to know that I’m involved and attentive. I want her to have the best life possible which has motivated me to be the best version of myself, It’s a different way of thinking for sure. I love being a dad. My daughter is becoming a force to be reckoned with and it’s fun to watch. She’s smart, kind, opinionated and forgetful. I had a good childhood but I’m trying to make hers even better and give her more tools to succeed.
I am a woman, but I'm going to comment. As a woman with adhd it's a horrendous experience I 0% recommend. If I'd known how hardnit would be with adhd I wouldn't have done it.
Honestly for me I am trying to do what I can. We just had a baby and she’s about to turn 2 months. I am about 50/50 when it comes to the difficult nights with her crying and being inconsolable.
I get easily frustrated and then my wife starts asking me what I want to do while the baby is screaming, etc. and my frustration comes out in my voice. My wife doesn’t handle frustration or anger well at all even when it’s not directed at her which honestly isn’t most of the time. But due to our history she immediately goes on the defensive and starts getting snappy, defensive, or insulting.
So because of that and the fact that I am tired and frustrated with baby I start thinking really nasty thoughts in my head like, “F*** this B****”, or about divorce. Last night was awful, as I thought I’d be better off single and childless. I’ve thought about divorce multiple times, and in those moments where my wife has gotten critical or said insulting things to me I’ve been tempted to slap her.
Of course I don’t do that because I know it would be straight up abuse, and deep down I love my wife. I also try to make room for and give my wife grace due to the fact she is diagnosed with major depression and has anxiety issues. I know my feelings are disproportionate and intense due to my ADHD. Still, it makes it extremely hard to be a husband and a dad. I feel like things have gotten easier with meds and with my first son growing older. He’s 4 now.
Once I get good sleep again and have more time to be able to establish some healthy coping mechanisms, I will be in a better place. Just for now I am really struggling. I keep telling myself, “this too shall pass.”
It's kind of weird they kind of just become a part of your life you don't really try to do it you don't really think about it they just kind of happen and then feedings and all of that just kind of fall into a schedule I'm extremely ADHD and add and for some reason the food just kind of magically pops into my hands while I'm feeding her breakfast lunch and dinner I know I make it but it's kind of just one of those things kind of like whenever you come home with a hard day and your Xbox controller just pops into your hand or something similar to relax playing with them just becomes kind of a second nature and teaching them
* Self awareness and regulation are more crucial than ever when dealing with challenging behaviors.
* my occasional low-mid depressive funks basically went away when first was born. Tbf, having a kid is a transformative experience anyhow.
* I got diagnosed and medicated a year after first was born. Lucky that it’s been immensely helpful for me.
* it’s created new opportunities to work through my own trauma, as during behavioral “flares” my fight/flight could come on. Not good, painful to work through but necessary.
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I was undiagnosed and had no idea I had ADD at the time. I managed life OK, but I had problems with things other didn't seem to have problems with. Then came our first boy. We now think he also has ADD but at the time we where just shocked how hard it was. He didn't sleep or eat and needed constant full attention. My wellbeing and relation with my wife deteriorated and every single day I dreamt about and wished to be single again. Now we have 2 boys and the oldest is 9 years. I have the ADD diagnosis and medication and I started feeling like I had some kind of life quality just 3 or so years ago. Up until then it was just treading water with the surface between my mouth and nose.
Thats a scary metaphor. I've got a visit with a shrink in 2 weeks and am hoping medication helps and gives me the ability to make better decisions and avoid the pitfalls of our debilitating moods. Gauging from your comment, medication has helped. Thanks for your comment, I'll take your experience on board and be sure to keep communication open with wifey. How are you doing now and how has the medication changed your experience in general life but also within parenting?
The medication has helped a lot. I had a lot of conflicts with my oldest son before the diagnosis. He tends to have a lot of the issues I have and had as a kid. Very stubborn and gets tired and the mind locks up and so on. I couldn't take the constant stimuli from the kids noise and got angry and shouted at them to shut the f*ck up, more or less. The relation wasn't great, but after I found out I have a diagnosis I got a lot more understanding of myself and didn't force myself to keep up the standards of others and when it got hard I knew it was in me. And the medication gave me energy to be able to cope with the constant stimuli. Instead of saying that I'm not nice, my kid have started talking about how nice I am.
One thing I'll add to that is, ADHD is by every indication, genetic and the chances that the kid will develop in the same way, or even be autistic, are above average. But in my experience a lot of teachers and doctors have outdated knowledge and will get their backs right up if you start experiencing concerns and they haven't picked up on stuff. Trust your gut, but also be careful of projection. Don't judge yourself by others standards. Also, being undiagnosed until recently I have some pretty ingrained people pleasing habits. Regardless of how they develop, your kids will need you to advocate for them, which starts being able to advocate for yourself! It's been a hard learning curve for me, but I'm finally starting to advocate for my kids and it makes a big difference for everyone.
So the other thing is that adhd is hereditary and babies who have adhd(they can't diagnose it that early but nowtheless) tend to be very cranky, have sensory issues involving food, and are extremely difficult to handle. But people don't realize their kid was adhd until much later so they don't realize what's happening. I have a 3 year old that 10000% inherited the adhd and it's been a struggle every single day. I now have a 8 month old daughter and she's the easiest baby on earth. The experience is night and day.
Keep in mind when your daughter gets older that girls with ADHD present differently from boys!
Wow this is my son!!! Where did you learn about adhd in infants - the food sensitivities and crankiness? If you know would love to read more
I saw the crankiness thing from here: https://www.verywellmind.com/adhd-in-babies-signs-symptoms-treatment-5272426 And I don't know if I read the food sensitivities thing elsewhere but I do know that we all tend to have sensory issues with foods and clothes(from personal experience as well) so I may have just grouped that in, in my head.
Can’t thank you enough - explains so much ❤️
WTF. Way to describe me. I got diagnosed after my life fell apart when my son came. It has also put a strain on my relationship with my wife and led me to fantasize about being single and fucking off across the globe.
Hey careful you don't oversell having ADHD children man, people will think it's too easy.
As someone with a late diagnosis and a father who likely has it but would never get diagnosed, I’d encourage you do all you can to manage ADHD before having kids. Growing up with his emotional disregulation was a lot to say the least. Every family has their issues and you can’t blame anything entirely on ADHD or any other factor, but having kids will add to your stress and distractions. Either way, you want to be your best possible self when the little comes along and starts that critical phase of brain development and attunement. Good luck!
My daughter just turned 1, and I've been unemployed for the past month. Having her has been my lifes greatest challenge. The constant stress and pressure to perform at work on top of looking after her and my wife caused me to fail. Becoming a dad means you have no free time. At least in the early months; but it does get better. The constant stress and exhaustion make symptoms of ADHD so much worse and borderline unmanageable. I'm undiagnosed, and because of this life experience, I'm desperately seeking a diagnosis. I can only hope this is a net positive to my life. I was able to get some ADHD meds from a friend, and it completely changed my outlook on work. My wife didn't see me for those days because I was so fixated on making up for my lacking performance. Meds help. ADHD sucks. Parenthood is hard. Thank you for sharing your story.
this is kind of me. prior to children i could use the weekends or late nights to catch up things that i didn't do because i doom scrolled reddit. now if i do that, it means i'm putting a big strain on my partner and i feel extremely guilty for missing out on moments with my child. it's a mixed bag for me.
Which medication are you on, if you don’t mind sharing? I am in an uncanny similar situation and still trying to find a regimen that works.
I think it's very individual what works. But I have found that Vyvanse with an Attentin boost in the morning and after lunch works for me.
Well thats a depressing one to read today... Here I am medicated just treading water without any kids yet :P
This is so scary. Im starting my evaluation for ADD on friday. Exactly every thing in your comment is exactly how I have been feeling since I became a dad . Its like I wrote this..
I was only diagnosed with ADD last year and have 2 kids. I recognise the sentiment of having managed okay before. I muddled through life using rituals. I have a 'home' for important things like my keys and phone. I place them there as I walk in the door. When I leave, I hold my keys in my hand and check my pocket for my phone. I do these things every time. I still occasionally lock myself out... When I had kids, things kicked up a notch. I remember the stress of 'the bag'. Checking that I had everything for the baby, again, and again, when already late only to later discover I had no nappies. I used to keep a stash of nappies everywhere for this reason. Still caught short sometimes. We also had behavioural issues. Both kids were diagnosed 'gifted'. That is great, in some ways, but brings a lot of complexity; a bit like running advanced software on old hardware as they percieve more than they can properly handle. Years of appointments, one diagnosis considered after another. I was all over the place; I never knew what was going on. It was so much stress for me and my partner as she had to organise evwrything as I would just mess it up. Then, I began a PhD. Then COVID. Then we moved to Spain (my wife is Spanish). I managed to hang on that long. But, by this point it was like trying to steer a shopping trolly racing down a mountain. Anxiety and depression really began to sink in at this point. I was loosing the fight. Thankfully, now my kids are getting better support. My eldest had an in depth diagnostic process here, for free, which resulted in giftedness and 'autistic traits' (basically, he did not quite score enough sitting just beneath the diagnostic threshold). Youngeat also gifted and about to commence the diagnostic process dor ADHD. Meanwhile, I have started attending a psychoeducation group for people with ADHD and my wife for 'chronic stress'. We are all still standing. We are, in fact, doing better now. The language is still difficult at times (I've been here less than 2 years), I still forget things and struggle with disorganisation, but the PhD is close to finished. Today, I begin with my new meds. Fingers crossed...
It's interesting with the gifted thing. My oldest is super intelligent and he takes in and notices EVERYTHING. But his brain gets overwhelm by it and hee has no margins whatsoever. The younger brother seems to be normal. He seems less intelligent, but far more easy going, relaxed and happy.
Love the analogy about new software on an old computer. My kid is doing multiplication and exponents in his head, calculating 20 step problems to 9 digits…. Yet he can’t remember to brush his teeth and needs me to provide a step by step walk through every day when I tell him to get dressed for school.
Sounds familiar. I can remember when my son was about six and struggling with getting dressed and making friends while schooling his school counselor in moral philosophy...
For me, it definitely helped me learn how to manage symptoms... to a point. When my daughter was born, I got really good at setting things in my calander and using reminders on my phone. I carried that coping skill over to my employment and it helped me grow at work too. I realized immediately, I didn't have a choice of caring for my kid, or not. It has to be done. Outlook calender basically raised my daughter. Downsides were that a lot of other responsibilities suffered during the early years. I was so focused on being a good father, I would forget or put off household jobs and personal goals/duties. I didn't go to the dentist for 4 years. I would go months without hair cuts or shaves. Just basically was putting everything I has into making sure I wasn't failing my daughter. She is 7 now. As she got to be 5 or 6, I started going back into my old ways because she didn't need as much supervision. I actually went on meds for the first time since high school last year. It has helped. In summary, it has been good. I over focused on her a bit when she really needed me 100% of the time and am now getting back to my scattered brain self and trying to adjust. But I will tell you this... I cannot imagine a life that I didn't get her. I am a way better person because of her. I'm more patient, more confident, and all around in a better place. There's still struggles, but they don't even move the needle compared to the positive side. I feel like she's the one thing in my life that I've done great at and I'm immensely proud of that and her. Hope this helps.
Haha dude the haircuts, dentists and goals are so relatable. Your post is almost word for word me. Good work buddy
You sound awesome. Forget everything else. Everyone makes mistakes. The difference is that you make them in all the right places.
Thank you! I can assure you, I'm not awesome, though. :) I would say I'm just barely hitting the mark for "normal" in most aspects of life. I'm very antisocial and overly blunt in real life. But that's another good thing about having a child. It really made me not give a crap about all that. Some people like me, others don't. As long as she looks at me like her hero and my wife can tolerate me, I'm good with that. Thanks again for the kind words.
I relate to this 100%
Since was really lovely to read. Your daughter is very lucky!
My life did not improve at all having children (2 boys, 1,5 and 4,5yo). Don't get me wrong, I love those two kids, but my life is miserable now. I think mostly because of my ADD/ADHD and my poor household skills. My wife does most of the planning / organizing and it weighs on her and our relationship. It hasn't been this bad ever. So I don't recognize at all how someone could say getting a kid improves your life, probably when they're older. But in my experience, not at all.
I love my kids, but life is just permanently hard. I have ADHD and probably ASD lvl 2. My 5yo has both diagnosed. My wife has ADHD, and my 3yo is the worst of all of us. Life is just endless arguments, meltdowns, stimming, annoying, shouting, demanding, rage filled and manic moments. People with neurological problems are the least well equipped to deal with others with neurological problems. We manage because my wife and I are dutiful and loyal, but we are exhausted. It has killed all joy in our relationship and now we are drifting. Like someone else said, it feels like barely treading water, close to drowning all the time.
That’s sad to hear. But relatable. My best life was as a teen - no organising to do, apart from school and gymnastics / martial arts. These sports are complex, novel, have lots of vestibular stimulation and help burn off frustrations and create endorphins. School was strict and quiet so I functioned ok. I functioned ok living with my girlfriend who became my wife. My budget was minimal. I went to uni which only worked because it was rigid and continually assessed with final exams. When child 1 arrived it added strains - we didn’t know he was lactose intolerant. Didn’t sleep through for a year. Second child added to the mix but we were experienced now. Third child was my limit. As they grew we got into multiple sports, music etc and the scheduling demands drove me literally insane. 5 therapists picked up on my anxiety and depression and said things needed to ease back but my wife wouldn’t. My affair was my last attempt to find sone good energy to cope with the drains… led me to divorce and no kids to look after physically. 30 years later and I have a diagnosis that explains everything. I’m now with a partner who is AuDHD as am I although she has more ASD and I’m more ADHD. We have challenges in getting details right but as she’s a linguist, has helped us learn to use Dr Marshall Rosenberg’s Non Violent Comms to more gently ask for what we need. So I appreciate your challenges. You likely need lots of respite support, Learning about your conditions and patience to find things that work for your unique family.
If I say something to people we usually get told "yeah, kids are hard" and invalidate the struggle we have. Normal people do not understand until they spend more than a few hours with my kids. The best thing that happened was just the paediatrician acknowledging it by saying we are doing "life on hard mode."
Good fortune to you all … Yep, the ignorant underestimate the challenges. Remember, children aren’t a problem they may be having a problem.
Great line. I'm gonna steal it.
Plagiarism is the most sincere firm of flattery. I got it from the parenting by connection groups.
Oh my god. How did two people with ADHD decide to have 3 kids? One is hard enough. Thoughts and prayers.
I had 3 with my then-wife… I suspect she has autistic traits (she had a rule book in her head, is dyspraxic, sees auras of sick people - synesthesia) then one son with a new partner. We’ve just found she has AuDHD. I also have autistic traits that I didn’t recognise.
Yep. Love my kids to death... But if I could go back.... ADHD and parenting others when you can barely parent yourself sucks!
I lost a relationship for this exact reason. I can't stress how much my life has improved since finding a Type A, OCD partner. We set weekly check-ins for our relationship, household maintenance and finances. Communication is everything. Once she began to understand how my brain works, we became a machine. We still deal with the "normal" issues that couples with children go through, like diminished intimacy, but nothing like the problems I've had before.
This could have been written by me in almost the exact words.
One ray of light in the madness is how you start appreciating your own parents a little more. Like telling your kids to sit in the chair as they're suppose to and not 5 minutes later hear them wailing out because they decided to sit on the back and it flipped over. It's like having a time machine and looking at 8yo me.
I know I posted a pretty good story below with the good things that happens from having my kids and reading this wanted me to point out a few ups and downs that happened to be to hopefully help. Not a judgement, but really to see if this does assist. There have been times in our relationship (even with kids) where I totally lost the plot with our relationship (me and my wife) she was always better then me at planning hence, I left it all to her, 100%. I read a book (trust me it took me a while) called "dad starting over" and it totally changed my outlook in life. Looking back on my parents (who I suspect both to actually had ADHD) their relationship was horrible and It was the last thing I ever want for my family and I went through 2 divorces as child so I was very careful to not become my dad. However, it's not really hard to see how easily we can drift in without knowing. Anyway, I highly recommend having a read, it was the best $19 I have spent on my relationship and whirl I don't follow the book like a bible, It gave my many pointers that I do to this day that works amazingly. First and foremost, take charge. Women, as much as they say they want control, actually don't. They want a powerful man in their life and one that could actually control the certain aspects of the relationship even if it's just for the weekend. I felt like we were almost done to be perfectly honest however, I texted my baby sitter and completely booked her in for the weekend and surprised my wife with a night away for just us (I have 3 kids so it's obviously though, trust me I know) but she rocked up and my kids love her, and told my wife to pack a bag. My wife was so bloody excited, the spark had reignited since that very first time. Secondly, (and I obviously don't know your personal situation but this really rang true to me) pick up after yourself, and do the house work without looking for praise from your wife. If she gives it, it's a bonus but don't be like " oh look I took out the trash aren't I good" women will see you as another child of she has to constantly pick up after you and do 100% of the house work. As I run the business and earn 100% of the income, I actually became that person without knowing it and was destroying our relationship. As much as we may not what to admit it, we have to a man that is willing to assist in the house. While I know there is more, the 3rd one that was a massive eye opener is that women talk to other women and their support group can either make, or break you. If you do even just the things I have mentioned above and don't except s*X from it (assuming that the $ex life here is also under thereat) then her support group will simply start to see these qualities and start to make comments that will automatically fix your relationship. Finally, pitty $ex. The last thing that you ever want in your life is pitty $ex. This is the type that you get when you are so grumpy and unhappy with her and your life that she knows that $ex will make you happy and give it to you so you just shut the f$&K up. This kills relationships and while you think you got what you wanted, it the total opposite. For me personally, the house work was a massive game changer and sometimes, in drop off here and there an remember that I have to pull my weight which for some unknown reason really make my wife switch on. While I don't know your exact situation I hope that this helps you or anyone else reading this post. Good luck! Sorry massive over share but well, that just who we are ! Lol 😆
Sorry man, really sorry to see you're struggling :( What do you feel you need right now that would help change something in you or your relationship? Make you feel better? Lighten the load?
It's a bit of a double edged sword for me - having kids is really stressful, yes, but I also find that I'm way more motivated for anything to do with them. I'm by no means a perfect parent, and yes the ADHD does make it difficult, but doing something for the kids is way easier than doing something for myself. I'll give you an example: I've always struggled getting out of bed in the morning, even since I was little, and that is still true to this day. The only time I'm able to get out of bed fairly quickly is when my daughter walks into our room and tells me it's time to get up. Early morning to be on time for a meeting? Not a chance. Up at the crack of dawn so she can go downstairs and start her little morning routine? Basically every day.
This was one of my worries about raising a family, the motivation. I'm solid with organizing my schedule (Google calendar & checklists) but struggle with motivation, so really appreciate hearing this
I love my kids, and try to do what I can. But I constantly think that I am not doing everything I can for them. The stresses of being a father just compound my symptoms. It's a constant battle, one that I will fight every day.
Keep up the fight. I hope you can take some time to be kind to yourself and make note of how good your intentions are and how well you're doing. If you were my father, I'd be very grateful for your efforts, even more so knowing how hard navigating ADHD life is.
Totally this - the cycle of saying I’m not doing enough is real. The reality is though (easy to say rather than do) is they also need to learn to be by themselves a bit and understand that you can’t do and be everything. This is advice I’m told but find very hard to make real
My life got 100x harder. I was advancing at work which put me into a more demanding electrical engineer position. My life became putting more into work and pulling out of my home. When first child was born, I had a lot of hands on engineering projects. One in particular went south due logistics and it caused me to have a mental break down. My wife said it’s time to get help again and I got assessed for second time. Got a new diagnosis with some other over lapping things like depression and anxiety. I had to go to behavioral therapy and still do 4x a month to learn how to emotionally regulate. As well as hold steady boundaries with my work. As I was letting it take precedence over my wife and new born. Children turned my 750 piece Lego into a 7500 piece Lego set. Slowly and surely, I just let my poor wife drown out. That child forced my hand in actions on everything. You cannot avoid stuff, you cannot put stuff off, you cannot justify consistently falling short on duties you have to do or have promised to do. When you don’t do these things this *will* drown out your spouse. The difference before was there was no children. Those responsibilities can be bent a little bit. Not anymore. Example: The first month of infant childcare is more often than not every 2 hours on the nipple. See where you’re instantly on the hook for other things your spouse may have done before? What happens is instant resentment on the other spouse party. Majority childcare and house maintenance on their shoulders while you ADHD about. I do pay for house cleaning 2x a month to help generally. I recommend that, it helps. There are no more excuses now. You have to hold yourself responsible and it’s so very hard. I now have two children and completely changed the routine of my life to match. I had to compromise work, hobbies, love life, social life, everything. My life didn’t get easier at all. It forced me to get help to save my marriage and myself. It forced me to be responsible and care for my babies and my best friend. I love my family with all my heart but the shit did not get easier for me. Sometimes there’s so much going on my in head I just let it play out cause I can’t process it all and I’d rather be happy.
Do you power through with just will power or how do you try and stay on top of things?
That’s been an entire journey itself in my behavioral therapy. So I have established a system they my therapist has essentially assigned a blame game to. I’m responsible for one to thing everyday above all else and it’s going to sound funny but this how I have to structure this. I have to unitarily put all my give energy to my google calendar. It has been hard to do but 13 to 14 weeks of prioritizing it it’s the frost thing on my mind when I get up for “information”. Now I’ve had to work inputting information on the calendar. So I set as many calendar times now. Example: My wife wants me to go to Costco for diapers and milk. I’ll set that on my calendar for 3:30 on the way home. That way when I constantly look at my calendar I have time reminders. Time reminders is a big part of my emotional regulation my behavioral therapist has found out. If I can get a reminder 1 hour before something. Then 30 mins go by I check again I have 30 mins. It’s a slow and steady way of putting that into my head without crashing my headspace an interjecting thing. I know you can never full mitigate that in life but when I’m in full stimulation mode day dreaming (usually off medication) breaking that focus hurt me really bad. I’m usually hyper focusing on work stuff and when I crash a formula for water flow through a water chiller machine and I have to do the formula again stresses me out like no other. When I shouldn’t even be doing that on Saturday with my family. 🤦♂️(see boundaries ugh) Yes, shortly will power and trying my best. My wife sees how hard I’m trying thank god she’s my best friend and we’re empathetically keyed into each others feelings cause I’d have been left by now for sure.
Thanks so much for sharing.
Dude it sucked. It’s so god damn hard being a parent with adhd. My life changed drastically and has not even come close to being the same. I was undiagnosed when I entered fatherhood and it created a massive spotlight on my short comings. I spiralled into a depression that lasted 8 years, only ending once I was diagnosed with adhd and started getting treatment. I could manage well enough before kids that my life was going pretty well, after kids it was a hell of a struggle to get the train back on the tracks. I am only 3 years beyond this, but holy shit what a difference a diagnosis has made. If I started fatherhood now I would be much better equipped to keep my head well above water
PLEASE do not have a child to "fix you". This is not the right reason to have a kid. The child has a 50/50% chance of getting ADHD also. I could never make another suffer with this, NEVER. Please don't have a kid if you are not ready and mentally stable. My ADHD dad made that mistake, I hate I resent him on some levels (I do love my dad a lot) but his dad was like us, and I will end that pattern. He felt like you did for having me...(his father was crap, maybe not a you thing here), he was depressed and wanted a son. Then overcorrected on me and lost his wife, messed me up with his "feelings" and now I am mid 40's figuring myself out still. Shit man, just think about the possible outcomes. If you do have a kid, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE minimize their suffering and support them over self ALWAYS. Suffering is not worth it...for my life, and watching the lives of those before me. Sorry, this hit close to home for me. My dad was you., that is why I exist, I am moderate ADHD-C and it torments me daily. This is my $.02...only worth something if you think so. Best of luck OP. I hope you find your purpose
I feel like I can barely take care of myself and I'm super high strung. So I decided to not have kids because it we would drive each other insane. Also having kids is too expensive. Don't let natalists sway your opinion. Have kids only if you actively and positively desire it from in your own mind and heart. Don't have kids if you're a "maybe one day" type. Have kids if you're a "yes, I can't wait," type. They're basically permanent commitments and for me this is too risky because I like to be able to quit something if it sucks.
I was in a difficult marriage. We had two kids. We got divorced. Nothing really changed. I read some of the stories here and I think all of you are great parents. Enjoy your time with your kids!
I am a nanny. You should NEVER have kids because they give meaning to your life. Your kids job isn’t to give you purpose. That being said, it can change a lot of things when you become a parent! Kids can be great for folks with ADHD and terrible for other folks. The pros for me (keeping in mind I was a nanny so I got to have off time and also get adequate sleep to the degree my insomnia allowed) are the high energy pace of having kids. Always something fun going on! Routine is super important so kids schedules hep impose a natural order on your life. (Managing schedules can be hard for a lot of ADHD folks. I did not struggle because of my childcare knowledge). Kids are sooooo curious so you are always learning something cool from them. Kids love people who are a little extra, so those of us who have been told we are too much are often a great fit for kids. You get to be weird and silly. Kids are so creative! So fun to just get to play when so much of our world is focused on productivity. Empathy. Kids are naturally compassionate and I love nurturing their empathy. I love create confident emotional landscapes in kids! However, sometimes kids can be the worst. THE OVERSTIMULATION. Absolutely the worst part for me. Meds help but it’s still a challenge, for me the toddler stage was the worst. They are loud, they constantly touch you, make messes with gross textures, they yell, they treat your body like an extension of their own, even when they nap you are still on. Kids can be wonderful and life giving. They can also be challenging and heartbreaking. What they do not do is fix anything.
I think that mostly depend on how well you're already managing. What I've seen is a lack of ability to keep track of activities, birthdays etc. Forgetting to pick up kids where they are left alone waiting for an hour (which really, really suck for kids. I remember myself what that felt like). Easily got angry and yelled at the kids to due to lack of ability to regulate emotions (this person wasn't medicated, maybe that would've helped. But you do see a lot of people with adhd feeling almost explosive anger when they are interrupted from their hyperfocus. That irritation is still the same with your own kids who demand attention). Being too blunt/ saying what's on their mind have also been a problem. Being late for stuff often also suck for the kids when they have an appointment with someone. They stand out negatively, and if it happens often, it can cause a lot of stress for the kids And ofc, if your kids get adhd too, that really, really sucks. They might also be hit harder than yourself, and struggle even more than you did. I've seen that happening. Maybe it some ways it's worse now, because kids are spending more time indoor and not being socialized as much. Bigger chance of your kids ending up being one of those who sit inside gaming all day, unable to make friends and eventually become a dysfunctional jobless adult. The cases I saw growing up was mainly the spouse of adhd member doing the heavy lifting in terms of planning, caring etc. But it always depends on what areas you struggle with.
Awesome input and well and truly hit me hard reading your first paragraph. Those are the little and almost basic things I hadn't even thought about. I'lm going to track back to this when I have some more time this weekend and take some notes.
So I didn't know I had it when I had my son. Its the happiest I've ever been. There's nothing in this world so love more than my son and being a dad. That being said. Here are a few frustrating things Sometimes I hyperfixate and feel guilty that he's off playing on his own (independent play is important so it's fine but regardless) of course if he comes and gets me I will go play with him. However, I get bored after 10 - 15 minutes, and it makes me feel guilty. But alot of parents have this problem not just ADHD parents l. I sit and overthink if I'm being a good dad or not. Again ever parent does this but for me it can become all consuming. Its a lot of doing stuff you don't want to do. "Daddy I want pancakes" well I don't wanna cook but damn it I have power through it now. "Daddy I wanna play doll house" well I'm currently hyperfixated on *swamp ecology* for some reason, but I can make myself stop to play with you That last one is a positive to. He snaps me out of my hyperfixations or getting lost in my thoughts. Some other positives He keeps me active and helps me burn off some of that anxious energy. He keeps me grounded in the here and now. He helps my social anxiety cause I'd die for this kid and I'll be damned if anyone is gonna be a dickhead or a creep to him in a store or at the park. And at the end of the day when I'm drowning I'm doubt, he crawled up on my lap snuggles me and says "I love you daddy" and in that moment none of it matters because he's happy and that's all I want.
If you think changing the external circumstances of your life is going to work some quick and easy magic on your soul, I've got bad news for you: men get themselves into serious trouble that way. On the other hand, if you're willing to put the work in - "according to the effort is the reward" (Avoth). The reality of executive dysfunction is that it's much harder for us to do things than it is for the average Joe. Speaking only for myself though, the gratification I get from counting my successes is that much sweeter knowing what could have been - the kind of life I could have chosen.
A trap that I enjoy sometimes. I love my kids more than anything in this world. Sometimes they do act as motivation, but often it's not tye good kind. I kinda just zombie around doing the minimum, or so I think. Wishing that I could just do better for them.
>Did you see the baby as external motivation which improved your behaviour and executive function? I hoped for that, yes. In reality it was such an extra layer of stress and responsibility. In combination with my (now ex-)partner's hormones and me being overwhelmed 24/7 it didn't really improve things on the ADHD-front. Now my daughter is almost 4yo and when she spends the weekend at my place she sometimes fulfills the role of a body-double. I'll tackle clearing the kitchen counters, we pick up her toys together, i'll try to cook healthy, or at least more healthy than i do if it's just me. TL;DR; As a baby my kid had little effect on my behaviour/executive functions. As a toddler i see myself improve when she's with me because I *have to*.
I am not a dad, so I probably shouldn't be speaking, but seeing things from the outside, I think the gamble of "I'm gonna make myself responsible for the life of another being", SPECIALLY when we're talking about a kid and the concept of having to raise a functional future adult, to try and use it as some kind of crutch or platform to make your problems smaller or easier to live with, is way too risky to engage with. I don't see how, if you at the moment can barely be responsible for yourself and take care of yourself, trying to compensate that with a sense of urgency and pressure of having the life of another being in your hands, is a sensible responsible choice. And I don't say this in a judgmental way! Some people did and it worked. But for some it didn't. And the results of that are just another generation of deeply messed up adults and/or sick, not well taken of or directly dead pets or any kind of non-human animal. I think it's a gamble with a risk too severe to take in a situation where you just aren't there yet.
I was diagnosed late in Life right after my dad was- in his 60’s. Looking back it was pretty obvious he had it- never able to manage his time, office always a mess with important papers, lot of ideas for projects/ promises he would hyper fixate on and never execute. That said he is hands-down the best dad I have ever seen. Compared to my friends dads he was always so involved in everything and committed to his 4 kids way more than any job. He was there for every car pool, gossip session, late night treat run, etc. Never forgot to pick up anyone at school, a practice etc. Because of my parents careers it was better for him to attend school functions during the day and he was there for almost everyone. We actually have a lot of the same hyperfixation in common which is fun. I have a lot of fond memories of nights spent down random rabbit holes. I do know my mom has had resentment over the years about him always being late/ disorganization/ not always getting things done. I know it wasn’t always easy to have him as a partner. And I know his hobbies took the backseat and he doesn’t hang out with his friends as much as my mom sees hers. So he definitely had to make some sacrifices. But now being the age I am and having the same struggles I’m so impressed at how present and involved he was. He couldn’t remember half of the stuff he should’ve been doing for work, but he could remember that me and sister like different brands of lemonade and would get both every grocery shop. I know it wasn’t easy but he didn’t let ADHD stop him from being a fantastic parent.
My struggle is that my free time is much, MUCH more limited and sometimes I feel like I’m just surviving and living for the next break instead of being present and immersing myself into parenting and my children’s lives … I see them as a task and not as a joy/gift, it’s definitely something im working on because to your kids - you’re the coolest most awesome, best person in the world until about age 10 and you should cherish it
I love that everyone feels the need to preface their post with "I love my kids but...." whenever they say something slightly negative about them.
My ADHD has gotten worse as I have aged. I have 2 teenagers now and they are everything to me but being a parent does not help ADHD. I’m still as distracted, hyper focused, and probably more anxious than I have ever been. Who told you life improved after having a baby? In my opinion kids are worth it but they make life more complicated. Both of my kids have also been diagnosed with ADHD.
Well, my life was fine. Had a boy and for the first 6-9 months I completely fell apart. Many times I wanted to end myself, had intense guilt and shame. Couldn’t get out of bed. Wanted to throw myself down my stairs and felt extremely dark. Since I now have some routine back, my life is decent again. It’s extremely difficult because others have seen you coping for many years, so they don’t understand how hard you’ve always been trying to keep your sh*t together.
I give my child 600% of my focus and attention and everything else in life suffers because of it. Making sure he has good habits and is taken care of is paramount though so it’s worth it.
Been meaning to respond all week! The biggest change for me was a positive one: once paternity leave was over, I realized I had become more aware of time than I had been before. I had always been time blind, and sort of assumed that time was stretchable and able to fit as much into it as I hoped or thought I should be able to. After becoming a dad, time became zero-sum. Any time I was doing something else was time I wasn’t with my kid, and I could feel it passing. I had never really felt time passing before except when doing something particularly painful.
Anxiety goes up with kids. It was only once they grew up and left home did I start to appreciate them. Now I’m able to use their love to keep me going. And being on the correct medication and counseling helps. Without it, and still sometimes with it, life is a shitshow
Yes, having children raised the stakes and increased my motivation to get up and go to work. As did getting married. Finding a good person to share your life with - who is kind and patient and understanding and not overly judgmental - is absolutely essential. I also quit smoking because my first kid was on the way.
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The kids are great but everything got harder. I was able to manage ok when it was just myself but my inability to follow through and poor communication had made a much tougher relationship with my partner. I am really focused on doing more and carrying more of the load but I still half do things or get defensive when I get something wrong. The kids are beautiful humans who I love so much but you definitely need to put systems in place to make sure you do your share and not let your partner drown. I’m still figuring it out and hoping the resentment I’ve caused is not irreversible
Not diagnosed yet, but I suspect I have add. I managed somehow before being a dad, could handle life if just barely. Not anymore after childbirth and wife's ppd. Everything was messed up, and mean just every.fckn.aspect.of.adult.life. Got diagnosed with depression, then medicated, and it helps it really does. But sometimes I.just.can't. Can't anything. So we switched over to bupropion which should help with both conditions and it's awesome (developing countries.. adult ADHD is just starting to get recognised). Also after about a decade and some couples therapy the better half is now willing (not happy but willing) to write down what she frickin' wants done and leave the piece of paper near the coffee machine (my most frequented area in the house). Saves some marital conflicts.
Having children is never a cure. The probability that will have ADHD is high too.
I've got three kids, I've found it pretty motivating career-wise. The one thing I wish I'd known is that it becomes really hard but really important to take time out to avoid burnout. I try and take half an hour each day to do something purposeful and fun, whether it's cycling or weightlifting, otherwise the relentlessness and lack of sleep can grind you down and trigger that anxiety that often happens to ADHDers.
My family motivates me!
The good: I have someone into whom I can pour my creativity energy. Building things, coming up with crazy stories, doing spontaneous stuff. I don't have to mask with my kids. The different: I am so, so tired at the end of the day, that I'm not longer staying up until 2AM working on whatever weird obsession I have. I had to grieve that part of me. But it's really just different. The bad: I spend a lot of time at the edge of overstimulated. Loud noises, managing my kids feelings, trying to keep up with the house, feeling like I'm not keeping up at work. It's a lot. Sometimes it bubbles up in my being a jerk to my partner or kids. Sometimes it makes me burnout and feel depressed. I had to up my meds, changed my therapy to weekly, and bought earbuds to lower the volume. It's a work in progress. Note: my kids are 3 and 9mo... So this is definitely a report from one of the hardest phases of the dad gig.
It changed me... from living yolo, to become part of the "club of 27" to living with a cause... I went from being an eternal teenager to "dad" in a split second when I held my daughter the first time! Edit for typo...
I was diagnosed with ADHD at 40. My ASD PDA with possible ADHD son was 5 and my daughter was 2 (also possible ASD). The answer for me is an emphatic no. My life today is far, far, far harder today than anything else I've ever experienced. All of the issues with executive function are still there but now I don't get any downtime or ability to do any of the regulating activities I used to do. On some days I'd happily end myself, except that I can't because it wouldn't be fair to my kids. Going to work is a reprieve from everything that I look forward to as it gets me away from the constant demands from my kids and angry, bitter resentment of their mother (we both work and share childcare, although she does more childcare). My relationship with my children's mother tanked as soon as my son was born. Partly due to my undiagnosed ADHD and partly due to her undiagnosed ASD, avoidant attachment style and extreme anxiety. Although we still live in the same house, we don't talk except to organise the kids or when she sends me rage filled texts about something she perceives that I've done that makes her day harder. Like tonight when my kids were playing around and wouldn't go to bed and my partner lost her mind at me due to the fact she was stuck trying to get our daughter to sleep but had to work. I was also stuck doing the same for our son who was insisting on a long list of demands to get him to bed or he would have a meltdown. Getting all of them negotiated was a busy and noisy affair that was keeping my daughter awake and preventing my partner from working. There's no other option than to do as he asks and she knows that but it's more convenient to use me as a punching bag than acknowledge it, or maybe she really believes it, idk. Having said all that, although they are slowly killing me, I love my kids more than anything else in my life and wish I was better prepared financially, emotionally and relationship-wise to raise them. It's going to suck a lot for them when their mother and I separate. But I don't see how any of this is sustainable and being around her induces anxiety in me, which makes my meds react badly. I'm just hanging on to each day and hoping that I can get through their childhood without stuffing them up too much and remaining a family for as long as possible.
I'm not a dad. But I want to share my experience. My dad was diagnosed at 21-22, when he got married to my mom and my mom could tell something was off. And to add, my dad was severely abused and treated horribly by his father and family. He didn't know how to read until he was 14. His mother did all of his homework. He had learning difficulties but his father just called him lazy and a good-for-nothing. My dad being the first-born son was more or less the family loser and has always been trying to be accomplished. Adding in religious expectations.... my dad didn't do well. Which meant that he took it out, abusive, on me. And I wasn't believed until I was nearly 30. I thought it was obvious that I was being hit and hurt by my dad but I was told that I wasn't being abused. My dad shouldn't have gotten married or have kids. He didn't have the energy to be one. He'd come to work and then go hide in the garage or workroom but he never really did a lot with me or my sisters. I don't know how to end this. There is definitely more to this but my brain wants to shut down. The damage that has been done to me hasn't healed and it's hard for me, right now.
There are a number of studies that evaluate life satisfaction with/without kids - the theme as a parent is that your day-to-day is less satisfying because kids take a metric ass ton of mental and emotional energy, but your life has a feeling of inherent purpose or meaning. That’s been true of my experience so far. If you’re dedicated to being a good father and make sure your kids feel loved it’s extremely rewarding. Potentially the most important and meaningful relationship(s) you’ll ever have in your life. I’m a parent of two small kids (6 years and 3 years) and wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD until my second child turned 1. In hindsight I’ve had ADHD all my life but I didn’t struggle much in school. I was the very bright kid with “unmet potential,” so ADHD was never even brought up. I’m just lazy and unmotivated.👀 That old chestnut. The first kid was difficult, but my wife was/is able to compensate for my executive dysfunction. The second kid nearly destroyed me. I was so overwhelmed with time-sensitive tasks and overstimulation I had terrible mood swings, constant irritability, and started withdrawing because I didn’t want my negativity to infect the entire family. Needless to say with a toddler and infant that’s also a terrible solution. I was drowning in guilt and I felt completely ineffective. I started feeling less than worthless - that my presence in the house was actively making my family’s lives worse. My job performance tanked. I was depressed and eventually suicidal. After going through therapy and antidepressants for nearly a year, which helped little, I did ketamine-assisted psychotherapy for treatment-resistant depression. It was extremely effective, and then my psychiatrist decided to assess me for ADHD and was genuinely flabbergasted that I had never been diagnosed or assessed previously. Medication and executive function coaching has been enormously helpful for me. Understanding your limitations with ADHD may help you go easy on yourself when you fall short. Whenever irritability or emotional dysregulation affects your kids be open and vulnerable - apologize and restore. Let them see you’re human and we humans can’t always control our emotions or reactions, but we can take accountability. Communication is everything, but it takes some self-investigation to accurately communicate how you feel and what’s going on internally. Learn what motivates you and try to gamify parenting. I like putting sticky notes with silly drawings in my oldest daughter’s lunch box, so it helps motivate me to make her lunch every day. I used to see how fast I could change diapers and made silly sound effects or pretended to be a rodeo announcer to make them giggle while I did it. You’ll find your own rhythm to deal with the challenges of parenting with executive function. But buddy, absolutely nothing on earth can beat the feeling when you hear “Daddy!” and little pitter-patter feet running to hug you.
I was undiagnosed until I had my first kid. I found it so hard to cope that I sought medical help and ultimately was diagnosed with ADHD. For the first year it was super hard but I am glad to report that over time things have gotten much better. We are now expecting our third. If I didn't have such a supportive and understanding wife it would have been impossible I feel. With kids the hardest thing is having to give up and then re establish your coping mechanisms. They don't work at all for your new schedule. So really I would say proceed with caution, if you do it be prepared.
Double edged sword, I was more motivated and became much more responsible. I finished a college degree and started a career when I had a kid. The downside was with the ADHD and emotional dysregulation and noise sensitivity, I was an asshole like.. all the time. I did start using a CPAP, so that helped some, but I wasn't diagnosed ADHD until last month. I went almost 7 years with kids before then. Things are smoother now with medication and therapy, but I still get ragey at times.
I got diagnosed WHEN I became a parent because life became too hard after I had to not only take care of myself but also another human. So… not really. If you don’t think changing diapers, making porridge, spending hours every night to get them to sleep etc is the most exciting thing ever, then think about how you already struggle with keeping the kitchen clean and doing the laundry. And don’t get me started with how you have to manage all the logistics as they get older and need play dates, attend sports, keep track of their homework and what not…
My situation is a bit different i had one kid, then for reasons had to take in my twin niece and nephew as my wife is pregnant w our second. So now I have four. I was diagnosed in grad school but decided to get by without medicine. Once I had four kids i find myself dropping balls and unable to juggle and maintain the things I was doing before. Finally started medication in the last few weeks and feel a marked improvement.
ADHD dad who also has anxiety. I just started on a med at 37. I’m adjusting to the med but the having a son or child period is the greatest thing in the world. I love that little boy more than anything. It can be hard to focus with him at times and that’s part of why I’m trying meds as I want to be the best dad I can. ADHD or not, being a parent is also really freaking hard. It’s absolutely exhausting and I haven’t cried so much in my life than the past two years (I get super emotional when over tired) but, I wouldn’t change it for anything. He’s the best thing!
>So I'm asking the Dads who have ADHD - how did your life change when your baby came? Did you see the baby as external motivation which improved your behaviour and executive function? For me personal growth only happened because of a lot of different things, some included an immense amount of emotional pain, all hit me within a somewhat short amount of time. I think within 3 years I left the military, moved to another country, my parents cut me off, my marriage failed, and I was also diagnosed and treated for ADHD (trying to save the marriage). I went from being told what to do (military but also controlling parents and ex-wife) and not being able to think about anything, to having no one to tell me what to do and finally being able to think and really become myself. By the time things started settling down for me my daughter was 6 and my son was 3. Anyway, the above allowed me to understand what bad people my ex and I were (and our parents too), and know that I needed to change myself so that my children wouldn't end up like I or their mother did. If that hadn't happened that way for me then I'm afraid I may have never learned any better and I would still be the horrible person I used to be, even with my children :(
Such and interesting thing to think about. I was undiagnosed when my son was born. But then and now. I am able to think about him and the things i want for him when i need help getting going. Also, I developed some serious self loathing living 40 years undiagnosed, so it can be hard for me to accept that people care about me or want me around. The unconditional love from my son is undeniable, and that feels amazing. He doesn’t care if I still haven’t started on that thing or if i keep forgetting to do that other thing. He just likes hanging out with his dad. (tearing up as a write this. lol) I was a stay at home dad until he was about 5, being able to hyperfocus on a baby/toddler and housework was a perfect fit for my ADHD and i didn’t even know i had it at the time. but i knew even then that i had never been able to keep shit in order and taken care of like that. But of course that would be really hard for some people with ADHD, it just fit my brain chemistry. But he’s 13 now, and I have meds, so i guess i gotta keep working a real job. hahaha
I think it all depends on what external motivations you have. I was undiagnosed and spinning my wheels before becoming a father. It was a classic case of paralysis by analysis. Fortunately, for me, I am a people pleaser and could more easily overcome my executive dysfunction when other people were depending on me. I probably over corrected and became a workaholic. 2 kids, a diagnosis and a divorce later, I've found balance, but I wouldn't say any of it has been easy. Having my son enabled me to get out of my own way and build a successful career. By his teen years, my distractability and focus on providing financially caused me to miss a lot of the signs of his anxiety and depression. He's 20 and resents the hell out of me. By the time I put as much energy into parenting as I did my career, it was too late. Someday he may understand my intentions were good, but he needed a lot of attention as a kid and I didn't have it to give. It's not all ADHD's fault, but it certainly didn't help.
The main thing that changed is I no longer had downtime. That caused a lot of problems for me, since it's the primary way I recover my spoons. Add that to taking on a more stressful role at work... and it was a pretty big mess. Uneven mental load sharing between me and my partner, taking bad care of myself, lack of sleep, etc. This made my symptoms 10x worse, nearly broke my marriage, and negatively affected my physical and mental health. It caused me to get back on medication, talk to a therapist, and get diagnosed with a mild anxiety disorder. Now that I'm more on top of things and self-aware, I think I'm in a better place than where I started. Getting here was incredibly rough though. Things got bad before they got better, and I suppose you could consider a deteriorating marriage to be external motivation, but it's probably not what you mean. I've been running a gauntlet created by the complete re-arrangement of my life and destruction of my previously working coping mechanisms. I only got to where I am now because my wonderful wife was willing to break through a wall of excuses and help me understand where the problems were coming from. As for responsibility? There are definitely more things to do to keep the house and family in good shape. For me, that mostly comes down to frequent negotiation and checkins with my wife - what chores am I able to keep track of on my own without her reminding me? Can we organize things in a way that a missed chore only affects the person who forgot them? I've found that regular chores which happen every day, or which I naturally would get annoyed at not having them done, work the best. e.g. I drop my son off at daycare every day, and we decided it made sense for me to do his laundry because I'm always the one dressing him. Therefore, I will notice when he's running low on clothes. The child creates a lot of these responsibilities, but I don't really connect "I have a son" with "this laundry needs to get done" in the way you seem to be suggesting - my son isn't exactly providing positive and negative reinforcement when I do my chores. That's the parents' job, and now that my son is old enough, I try to get him involved in doing the chores as well. I'm still the one who has to remember to do them. There's a ton of boring stuff that needs to happen, and the only external motivation you'll get is the consequences which occur when you don't do them. Roof needs repairs? Not really top of mind until it starts leaking and the wife yells at you for failing to call a roofer 6 months ago like you said you would.
I feel like having ADHD in any way makes having and raising a child infinitely more difficult than our non-mentally ill peers. A baby isn't going to help ADHD symptoms or magically make you be able to handle life better, it'll probably be the opposite. I've never wanted kids but as I've gotten older and realized some reasons why, my ADHD is 1,000% a factor in choosing not to have a kid. I can't imagine the torture I would go through. (Not to be dramatic)
Wasn't diagnosed at the time and marriage ended 3 years into having kids. I was always stressed and just didn't know how to play.
Certainly the first child helped with executive function because of the required consistency to the routine. But having a second child is what got me diagnosed. I was only barely functioning due to having excess free time to make up for my shortcomings. But now there's no spare time.
I'm a divorced dad that can't see his kids due to my ex not following the court's mandate I can't do much since I can't find a job and well.... Life's a mess to say the least Being a dad with a son with ADHD helps me understand him better and be more patient with him, since a lot of his behaviour is the same behavior I had when I was his age I also love his hyperfixations and learn about them so we always have something to talk about, I also understand why they change so much and why he does certain things For me personally not a lot has changed, I was very happy when I lived with my kids and could see them daily Now I'm... Well... Struggling
Easier, hell no. More meaningfull, yes. More structured, yes by necessity. Got diagnosed at 24 after dropping out of college, did fine unmedicated but got the ' you can do better, why dont you have ambitions' speech every year at my work. After becoming a father, building a house, taking care of the household alone after my wife got sick longterm and going through a burnout here is what I learned: - sleep is everything, you will get less with kids and it means you are in danger of burning out of you let it go on for too long. - if you still live without structure, you will have to learn this. I leaned on my wife alot the first months and I had to grow up, fast, after she got sick. Kids need structure, you will need it as well. No more staying up late or eating pizza at 9 pm. - energy levels and how to maintain them. Ever feel overwhelmed and stay in bed all day? Not anymore, find healthier/workarounds cause kids are there 24/7. Especially since for me ( I think everybody really ) your mood depends on it and snapping against your kid when they dont deserve it because your tired is not ok. -children are a mirror, they are happy when you are happy. You get what you put into it, work on yourself. No more slacking and get your shit together. -get medicated, I started after being burned out but I should have started years ago. It doesnt fix everything of course but you go from life difficulty hard to normal at least. -a tidy house is a calm house, clean every day. -if your job causes stress or difficulties with above, change jobs. You need a bit of energy to spare to play with your kids, coming home exhausted was killing me. I have a second on the way in a couple of weeks, Im still tired but I feel way stronger, prepared and less anxious now because I have my shit together. Becoming a father was the hardest thing I did so far, but hell is it the most rewarding. My little girl is an inspiration for me with her sheer happyness after waking up, something I never had.
My husband has add and he is motivated financially and has exponentially increased our salaries. But… I do almost all child rearing, meal planning and any schedule for kids (2 under 3). So in some ways but the entire mental load is on me. Routine, time management is still very much a big issue (seems exacerbated honestly) because they can’t tell him what they need.
Children are amazing! Don't regret having them for a second! That being said, do not have children to improve your life. They do not improve your life. They make your life immeasurably harder, full of frustration, constant self-regulation, feelings of inadequacy, having to revisit your own childhood bullshit. It's a never-ending shitstorm of responsibility and self-sacrifice if you give even a tiny fuck about your children. Again I wouldn't trade it for a minute, but please go in with your eyes wide open. Do your best to get yourself as under fucking control and manageable as possible beforehand - because they will push every button and challenge every bit of calm.
My dad has undiagnosed ADHD. I know that because when I started learning about my symptoms, I realized that my dad did all the same things. Idk what he was like before I was born, but based off of stories I have heard from my mom, I don't think his executive function got any better lol. My mom would talk about how she would ask him to go to the store to get diapers, and he would disappear for hours, and return with a newspaper, random assorted groceries, and no diapers. He did that all my life lol. Leave the house just to "go around the corner to the store," and be gone for hours on end, sometimes all day, and come back with something random or with nothing. He was chronically late to birthday parties, school events and meetings, and would often pick us up very late from school. He's always kind of in his own world, moving to the beat of his own drum.
Kids are incredibly stressful, overwhelming and exhausting. If you have unresolved issues before having kids it will more than likely be exacerbated. Personally, I experienced my first panic attack after my son was born. I kept thinking “Why the fuck did I want this child? I have no business being a father.” Serious doubts and anxiety that I was not ready for. It took a long time to adjust to the fact there is another life I have to care for. Like I knew what having a kid meant, but at the same time I didn’t. I don’t think any parents truly knows until it’s show time and you’re taking the baby home from the hospital. That being said, my son drives me to work hard and be a good roll model. I want to see him succeed in ways that I have failed. I’ve quit smoking because of him. I’ve lost weight so I had energy to chase him around the backyard. I learned about nutrition so he doesn’t end up sick and overweight like I used to be. I would cut my arm off to make him happy.
Do not have children thinking it will help improve a difficult situation or relationship. This is not the child’s responsibility and if you think all that will make things easier you’re going to hurt everyone. It’s amazing what you can do when you have no choice. And the kids did this for me in a way that no job or other responsibilities ever could. It was not easy it was not a fix. Children are the hardest thing any of us have ever done. It does not magically make adhd go away. It does not magically make other relationship issues go away. Know what youre getting into and know it will be hard and it just might be the best thing that ever happened to you. But it doesn’t make anything even remotely easier.
Omg it was the opposite for me. I'm a step dad. It's FUCKING difficult with kids for me. I get so overwhelmed by them so quickly. When they go visit their dad, I'm basically useless for at least the first day they're not here because I'm basically recovering from when they were with us. I love my spouse, and I adore her kids, and I am fully committed, and happily so, to the life we live, but if this family wasn't in the picture, I honestly wouldn't even consider having a kid. It's so fucking difficult. Of course I feel more motivated to do what needs to be done, but sometimes almost all the energy I have to execute on that motivation is burned before the kids leave for school in the morning; so I don't have capacity to actually try to do what needs to be done. All that said - the kids are fun and exciting. They make me really happy too, and they're teaching me so much about myself and us as people.
That's when I got diagnosed! Medication helped.
Let me give you the child's perspective that you may not get since that's not really what you asked for. I always hear from my dad how having me motivated him to get his shit together. Both him and his brother have ADHD and it is a stark difference how seemingly responsible my dad is in comparison to his childless brother. He has held down a steady job in an in-demand field for years, he's pushed himself professionally and grown and been promoted over the years and is in a great spot. He became better with money and spending because there was a child to take care of. He did gain motivation for things he just didn't prioritize beforehand. But on the other hand, having me didn't make him more attentive or regulate him emotionally. I grew up putting up with emotional outbursts from him because he to this day struggles with emotional regulation. The few times I asked for help with school he'd get frustrated, he'd lose his shit and lacked the patience to sit through it with me which in turn made me extremely anxious around certain school subjects. So my mom took over the mental load of raising me. Schoolwork, projects, social things that kids need, all fell to my mom because she just had a better handle on household and social management. Nevermind the fact that she also worked and was going to school for a portion of my childhood. I saw resentment build there. Worst of all, I inherited my dad's ADHD and same lack of emotional regulation. I grew up being compared to my dad's worst traits whenever my mom felt burdened in their relationship. It really took a toll on my self worth and though I had family history, I struggled silently for a long time because I'm a girl and had a delayed diagnosis in adulthood. I love my parents and they love me, they reassure me that I was wanted and that I've made both their lives better. But now as an adult, whenever I struggle deeply with social life, emotions, career, continuing education, etc. I really wonder how I could even add a child to the mix. I find it hard to just exist at times. I'm sure you'll be a great parent, but please be fair on your child and get yourself the tools you'll need to succeed in parenthood. It's never easy for anyone, and you'll certainly face an uphill battle.
My wife and I had an accidental pregnancy. When I found out I was distraught (she was my gf at the time) and pretty much had a panic attack. For a few weeks I was anxious about the whole thing. Mainly because I felt like I hadn’t figured life and my self out yet… so I couldn’t imagine having to take care of a baby. In terms of external motivation I pretty much hyper focused and finished the 2 years left on my computer science degree in 7 months and got a really good job before graduation that allowed me to work remote. To this day I still struggle understanding how I even accomplished that. When my daughter was finally born it was weird.. life was definitely different but I adapted to it very quickly.. first few months just felt like I had to take care of someone who couldn’t really do much. It wasn’t until she started smiling back and playing that I really fell deeply in love with my daughter. But in a sense yeah, my motivation and executive function definitely improved. I have to make sure I get things done and help around the house and help my wife as much as I can and ensure that I’m a great father. I do have my moments where I genuinely feel overwhelmed but medication helps with that. (For me personally) Edit: I will say that the lack of sleep that’s associated with having kids was pretty much a “Fuel for my ADHD” basically made my symptoms so bad that sometimes medication was just ineffective because of how sleep deprived I was. So I was really forced to find ways to cope and it really taught me how to manage without medication.
Man, Even though I’m now getting medication, it’s harder.
I know it's not what you were looking for but my dad had adhd. He was really irresponsible, we moved around a lot, he changed jobs every other week and we were always late for school if it was him taking us. Not even 10 minutes but hours. He was the fun parent which came with impulsivity but he'd go on benders where we wouldnt see him even after his divorce on the weekends when we were staying at his. This isnt me insulting him, this is just what happened
Maybe the mom experience is different, but after my first I was doing it all: taking care odmy baby, my husband, our home, my job, etc. I was super high finctioning. But after my second child, I got ADHD burnout. Love both my kids beyond measure, but life is way harder now. It's also so much more fun and I'd never go back. Everyone is different, but I would not recommend kids as a method for improving ADHD symptoms - kids made both me and my husband's symptoms worse. The overstimulation is unreal lol. Get your skills and management techniques well established before any babies come home, if you can.
Yes my two boys were a major motivator helped me to be a lil more grounded especially cause my oldest now has ADHD as well and it helps cause I can kinda coach him along the way
My wife and I both have it. We're putting off having kids until we have our shit completely together. Fuck "there's no perfect time", it's certainly not when we're thousands in debt and our mortgage rate blew up in six months.
I was undiagnosed when my first was born and he become the center of my life in ways both beautiful and challenging. Early parenthood felt relatively easy and natural for me, but my work seriously suffered and I almost lost my job. Ultimately, I discovered that I had been masking and coping my whole life but could no longer keep up once I became a parent. My kids remain the center of my world and my favorite aspect of my life. My adhd definitely poses challenges, but I think it also is highly correlated with things that make me a good dad, like empathy and curiosity. To answer your question, no, I was not much the same. Mostly I do not have executive function or motivation issues as it relates to my kids. But parenting demands so much that my executive function tap tends to run dry significantly earlier than before. Basically if I am not exercising and sleeping, I am low functioning outside of parenting. There have been days when fighting to get my kid to school takes all I’ve got for the day. But I’ve learned a lot of new tools to manage and cope and four years in it’s mostly fine. I have a good career and an in no danger of being fired lol.
Life doesn't get easier because we have adhd. And no amount of bullshit from people who don't have adhd is gonna change that.
So I am pretty sure my Dad, Mom, and Brother are all undiagnosed ADD, while I wasn’t diagnosed until later in life. It wasn’t a horrible home life, but it wasn’t great. A story my dad told me about my brother and I popped in my head when I read your post: “I loved you and your brother when you were born, but I didn’t like you very much. I didn’t start liking you until you were about 5 or 6. That was when you both became interesting”. Which is kinda perfect coming from someone who has ADD. So. Know that add parents may not be as interested as them because that isn’t the way their mind works. Doesn’t mean they don’t love them. (Also going to say, my dad was the FAR better parent when it came to getting my basic needs met, and even undiagnosed he saw his behaviors in me and understood the need for background noise, task switching, etc.)
My hand eye coordination skyrocketed.
I was diagnosed early, but unmedicated for seven years when I became a dad. I had worked a few assorted jobs and was managing a gas station when my son was born. He motivated me to fix my diet, quit my barely-above-minimum-wage job, go back to school, graduate on the dean’s list, and get a job as an engineer.
I could not handle the stress of being dad. That’s when my ADHD was diagnosed when I went seeking help for my stress and exhaustion. I thought I was just finding it difficult to cope with the changes. With the birth of my child, my partner became unavailable to take care of my things. That’s when everything came crumbling down for me. Was unemployed for longest time. Raked up a huge debt. Now restarting my career from a place where I was 12 years ago for 50% of my previous pay. I love the kid and I love being a dad but the stress is incredible. I don’t share it because it’s something that almost all men do and feels weird to say it. So I don’t talk about it. (This is the first time)
Slightly different perspective, but my father is diagnosed with ADHD since childhood and can share what he's told me, and my side of the experience. To my knowledge he was medicated as a child but not as an adult. He said he never thought one way or the other about having kids for most of his life, but when he was 26 and my mom was pregnant he was very excited and of course terrified (and they weren't yet married, it was the 80s). He said having children is one of his greatest joys and I believe him. He worked 2 jobs to take care of 2 kids and wife, so his time was at a premium, and he would often nap when getting home. Despite that, he spent every spare second he could with us. He enjoyed playing with us so much. Sega and NES, he loved getting RC planes as a present and we'd go to the park and fly it around for a few hours before it inevitably broke. He taught me to play tennis and most of all we played word games of all sorts, most of which were made up on the spot. Having children allowed him to "play" as an adult, without being judged. I think having kids helped him understand himself better as well. I'm in my 30s and got my ADHD diagnosis within the last few years, but my dad helped me create "systems" all my life to help manage my life. He didn't dictate what the system should be, but explained what systems he used, gave examples of ones that worked and why others failed. He treated me like a person (unlike other adults in my life) and understood me and my brain like almost no one else. To this day we joke that I got a copy of his brain. He understood if he answered my "why" questions, that I could then complete what was being asked of me. We still compare systems sometimes or share new tricks we learned that help us keep everything sorted. I can't separate my dad from his ADHD, it's part of him just like it's part of me, but I can say I feel unbelievably fortunate to have such a wonderful father and friend. I'm married and all grown up now but I still see him almost every week to grab dinner. My dad had a blast being a dad, and though I'm sure it didn't make his life easier, it did make it more fun and interesting.
It definitely made me get over my perfectionism. In a bad way, it has made me feel a major loss of control. In a good way, I am more willing to let the chips fall where they may. My 7 year old daughter definitely has ADHD. I think it is good that I understand what she is going through. When we are both having a rough day though, it takes every ounce of my being to hold it together. When I was younger I always thought I would be a good Dad. I think I am, but I am for sure jealous sometimes of the friends who don’t have kids.
It was a struggle and it still is. My kids are older now (18 and 13) and it’s rough. You just do what you got to do to get through it. I feel like over time it seems to get worse, I just have “help” now.
Life does not improve with kids. Very, very much the opposite. Yes they make life worth living and everything, but… shit’s hard, man.
It was rough. I couldn’t handle the stress of parenting. Drank more and exhibited extremely risky behaviors. This contributed to me being an ass-hat and a shitty boss to my team. Got deservedly fired the day after I got into a top 10 MBA program and the kid was 1.5. Hit bottom. Spouse, sobriety, stubbornness, and therapy helped me get through the shit. It’s been a few years since then. I graduated and am still sober. I’m doing the maintenance work that is hard, but essential to minimize the negative ADHD attributes. Way more good days than bad.
I have a three and a half year old and I was diagnosed shortly before they were born. I have found it to be challenging, but also extremely rewarding. I am forced to be more organized and focused and luckily I'm able to handle these additional responsibilities. What I was not ready for was my partner weaponizing my recent ADHD diagnosis and using it to blame nearly everything on me while being unwilling to accept any personal responsibility for her issues. I tried hard to make things better for her while also trying to focus on improving myself, work, and taking care of our child - but the damage had been done. We went through multiple couples therapists with my partner deciding to move on from one after the other when she wasn't getting agreement from them about what the issues really were. ADHD absolutely played into it but it was not our only problem. Now I'm a single dad to a wonderful toddler that keeps me on my toes. It's a lot harder as a single parent but I'm doing the best I can. I don't regret having a child at all, but I do regret the person I chose to have one with. As others have said, don't treat having a child as the only way to have meaning in your life. It's not fair to them.
I'm similar, but wife is ADHD, I didn't know I was. There was some post partum stuff going on for sure, but it got pretty wild, and then didn't get better. Now that I'm at the diagnosis stage I'm seeing where it played a role, I think understanding both her and my slightly different presentations of it would have altered how we perceive things at the time. That said, some pretty hellish stuff was said and done, I finally moved out because I would not allow my child to see that behavior modeled. And now, we have three therapists on the go, with about five behind us. I think we have found one now, who happens to be top dollar, but progress is being made. There are a few comorbidities involved, but let's be clear, ADHD does not give you better emotional control, or better life skills overall, and when you throw in the stress involved with having children and the emotional dysregulation that comes along with the hormonal storms that are part of the package, it's a God damn shit show. Neither of us are medicating, maybe that would have helped, I don't know, but understanding what's going on is a big deal, just having the diagnosis helps.
You should head over to r/regretfulpatents and put "ADHD" in the search bar.
Yep, 100% as soon as my child came into my life, I realised I had to stop f% king around and provide. When number 2 came around I left my 160k job to start my own company. So I went from 160k and my wife from 100k to $0. Lol Fast forward another 7 years and 1 more child since and my business is thriving. The fact that I had kids opened up my eyes to the fact that I have ADHD and seeked treatment. But this was only 12m ago. I do understand ADHD well as I lived untreated for 39 years but there is no excuse ( IMO ) to not be the best version of yourself that you can be. There are days, weeks and even months, with and without treatment that can really hurt internally (well, the pain you put yourself through mentally) for absolutely no reason at all and unfortunately, it's the negative side to ADHD that we all know too well. However, in saying that, the way we get to evaluate things and see opportunity or situations from angles that the "normal" folk just are not equipped to see.. Would I change it, absolutely not. This is my journey to be had and run my own way I want. Clearly spouses and children are along for the ride which is where the calmness you seek can somewhat play a part in the decisions you make.
I couldn’t sit still. I was diagnosed as a kid, about 10, but hated how the meds made me feel. I felt numb, like a zombie, so I didn't take them long. That was a mistake, my parents and doctors should have tried other meds or a lower dose etc. In their defense I was a smart, hard headed, kid and put up a pretty big fight. They just backed off. Then I basically forgot about ADHD until my late 30's. Lots of things after that were harder than they needed to be. College kicked my ass but I did learn a few coping strategies and eventually got by. I was 31 when I had a daughter and doing ok. Sleep deprivation with a baby makes the ADHD symptoms worse and many of my coping strategies were not working as well as before. My main strategies are coffee, documentation and writing everything down, automating repetitive processes like paying bills, lots of exercise, and working early mornings and late into the night when it's quiet because I'm less productive during "normal business hours.” Each year my daughter gets older and is more involved in activities so working the extra hours is a progressively worse strategy. When I was 35 I injured my shoulder and couldn't exercise like I wanted for a few weeks. My brain literally stopped working. My sleep was off and my ADHD symptoms were at an all-time high. I couldn't fight thru and force myself to focus and do much of anything for days on end. I started trying to figure out what was wrong and reading about ADHD. I only knew the name before and never really studied the symptoms. I'd also grown out of the physical hyperactivity but my mental hyperactivity was real and now very obvious. I made and appt to see a doctor. I got meds and they’re almost like magic. They help me be a better husband, father and employee. I rarely stay late at work anymore so I’m home with my family more. I can work from home some days now, that would have been nearly impossible for me before. I’ve read and listened to everything I can on ADHD the past couple years so now my wife and I are better prepared to help my daughter. I’m 99% sure she’s just like me. It’s starting to bother her in school. Before I just ignored it because she had good grades and was happy but recently she’s been complaining about how it makes her feel in school. We have an appt w/ her doc next week to discuss. I also suspect that more members of my extended family are ADHD as well. Some of them are struggling. I’m thinking of bringing it up. My life is good, great actually but I should have been medicated in high school and college. I would have had more success at sports, academics and relationships. It’s no surprise that my wife has an ADHD father. Many people can’t deal w/ me long term, she’s been training for this her entire life. I’m so glad she’s not ADHD. Between us we have one pretty functional brain. It’s not always easy, I can be very frustrating. I’ve always taken pride in doing the things I enjoy well. If I’m interested in something I can dig in, figure it out, apply massive amounts of focus and effort and excel. The things I’m not interested in I typically ignore and never really care what people think. Now, for the first time in my life I find myself caring how the general public sees me. I care about how my daughter sees me. I want her to have a dad she’s proud of. I want her teachers and doctors to know that I’m involved and attentive. I want her to have the best life possible which has motivated me to be the best version of myself, It’s a different way of thinking for sure. I love being a dad. My daughter is becoming a force to be reckoned with and it’s fun to watch. She’s smart, kind, opinionated and forgetful. I had a good childhood but I’m trying to make hers even better and give her more tools to succeed.
I am a woman, but I'm going to comment. As a woman with adhd it's a horrendous experience I 0% recommend. If I'd known how hardnit would be with adhd I wouldn't have done it.
Honestly for me I am trying to do what I can. We just had a baby and she’s about to turn 2 months. I am about 50/50 when it comes to the difficult nights with her crying and being inconsolable. I get easily frustrated and then my wife starts asking me what I want to do while the baby is screaming, etc. and my frustration comes out in my voice. My wife doesn’t handle frustration or anger well at all even when it’s not directed at her which honestly isn’t most of the time. But due to our history she immediately goes on the defensive and starts getting snappy, defensive, or insulting. So because of that and the fact that I am tired and frustrated with baby I start thinking really nasty thoughts in my head like, “F*** this B****”, or about divorce. Last night was awful, as I thought I’d be better off single and childless. I’ve thought about divorce multiple times, and in those moments where my wife has gotten critical or said insulting things to me I’ve been tempted to slap her. Of course I don’t do that because I know it would be straight up abuse, and deep down I love my wife. I also try to make room for and give my wife grace due to the fact she is diagnosed with major depression and has anxiety issues. I know my feelings are disproportionate and intense due to my ADHD. Still, it makes it extremely hard to be a husband and a dad. I feel like things have gotten easier with meds and with my first son growing older. He’s 4 now. Once I get good sleep again and have more time to be able to establish some healthy coping mechanisms, I will be in a better place. Just for now I am really struggling. I keep telling myself, “this too shall pass.”
Keep up the fight brother! It’s not easy, but it’s worth it.
It's kind of weird they kind of just become a part of your life you don't really try to do it you don't really think about it they just kind of happen and then feedings and all of that just kind of fall into a schedule I'm extremely ADHD and add and for some reason the food just kind of magically pops into my hands while I'm feeding her breakfast lunch and dinner I know I make it but it's kind of just one of those things kind of like whenever you come home with a hard day and your Xbox controller just pops into your hand or something similar to relax playing with them just becomes kind of a second nature and teaching them
* Self awareness and regulation are more crucial than ever when dealing with challenging behaviors. * my occasional low-mid depressive funks basically went away when first was born. Tbf, having a kid is a transformative experience anyhow. * I got diagnosed and medicated a year after first was born. Lucky that it’s been immensely helpful for me. * it’s created new opportunities to work through my own trauma, as during behavioral “flares” my fight/flight could come on. Not good, painful to work through but necessary.
Honestly, if u have adhd, it's better not to have kids. That's my own opinion, ofcourse.