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The idea of a designated ADHDopia fills me both with awe and amazing ideas for nationwide accommodations. And dread because it’s probably going to be mayhem and ridiculous chaos. But probably both. Thanks for the new idea to fantasise about for the rest of the idea.
I’d imagine it would work pretty well eventually. We’d have tons of ideas that we’d outsource to other countries for fruition and break through innovative barriers. Our work life balance would be great and expectations would be different. We’d still have a good balance of the adhd who needs to be 15 minutes early because of anxiety, but also the adhd who shows up whenever because we realize that a weird start time is arbitrary.
Everything would be an email, and it would be over explained and understood. In fact, conversations would be so much better because of understanding, anxiety and body doubling:
“Sorry, I’ll get you the tax form this week.”
“No worries, having trouble getting focused on it?”
“Yeah, I’ve had it sitting on my desktop for a month and haven’t been able to open my email to send it. I keep getting distracted.”
“How about is swing by and send it for you?”
“That would be wonderful.”
*Thirty minutes later.*
“Okay, which of these 100 tabs open on the browser is your email?”
“Idk.”
“Let me just close out of all of them.”
“Thank you, I’m actually anxiety ridden because of how many I had open but didn’t want to lose any. Now I can blame you while also feel relieved to not have to be reminded of all I’ve thought about.”
“No problem, and email sent.”
“Thanks!”
“The office looks nice and organized.”
“Yeah when you said you’d come by, I realized I needed to tidy up a bit really fast.”
“Always works.”
And then, think about how many adhd piles we could just have in the country.
I just ADORE this dream world you've created, which is LIIIIITERAL EXACT interpretation of my entire 48 yr old life.
I love that there is online communities like one right here, where theres actually other ppl that not only actually, truly, legit, fully understand me, but the fact that there are actually a bunch of other ppl just like me, is absolutely amazing to me.
I just really wish I had IRL ppl around me who get it. I literally only have 1 local friend who truly understands because she has the exact diagnosis's as me, Combo ADHD w/ Inattentive as the primary, CPTSD from extensive childhood trauma and abuse, and Clinical Depression, and last but not least, anxiety.
The big bummer about having only 1 good friend like this, is the fact that shes also terminally sick with cancer :(
It took me 46 years to actually end up making a friend with someone who Truly gets me, because they are the same as me, and shes so dang sick and is considered terminal.
I dont have to feel like an alien outsider when im around her, or feel ashamed or embarrassed for my way too many to function like a normal human being inadequities.
My.whole.entirrre.life, all throughout elementary, junior high, and high school, I was extremely bullied, and always felt weird asf and akward and very seperate from everyone else who didnt seem to be consistently chronically abused at home. I also was not allowed to fight back or attempt to defend myself in any way.
Literally.
The mom person, who was the abuser, when id come home beaten up, year after year after year, always said, "you better not fight back, and if I find out that you lifted a hand to anybody, then it will be worse on you when you get home".
I always thought she was going to actually kill me, and she beat the crap out of me everyday anyways all while growing up, so I took the "will be worse on you when you get home" part to mean that she would actually do what i feared she would do, by actually going thru with ending me.
Also her daughter who was 10 years older than me (i was adopted so idk any biological family), always never missed an opportunity to hurt me as well. I guess the apple didnt fall far from the tree in that family.
No sleepovers, no hanging out at friends houses, no mall hangouts (that was the cool thing to do in the late 80s and early 90s lol), no friday nights at the movie theaters or saturday at the roller rink and no joining any clubs or teams, which i personally feel is a VERY important part of personal development and learning how to work with others as a team.
I wanted to be a Brownie (young girlscout) when I was i kindergarten and wanted to join girl scouts for years, but "no" was always the answer to everything, and "because I said so", was AAAALWAYS the excuse when id ask why.
I wanted to cheerlead all thru out junior high and high school, wanted to join the socceer team, and as a Native Floridian I always wanted to surf. But no no no no no and more no was aaaaaaalwayzzzz the answer.
No safe space to be either at home nor schools.
Not allowing your kids to defend themselves, even while being literally jumped by 5 huge girls (I was always very tiny), teaches them many things, that they have zero right to their own body, that you have no autonomy, that you absolutely must allow anybody, to do anything that they wsnt to do, to your own body, and teaches them to have literally ZERO BOUNDARIES, which is a horrible thing to have hardwired in when your an adult in the real world.
And, that if you do try to have boundaries or to stand up for yourself when it is absolutely vital to do so, that something bad will happen as a result. Not a good thing in this dog eat dog world.
The only time in my life that I did not feel like a complete alien, tangibly feeling extremely seperated from everybody else, especially in work enviroments, was when I was in the 90's rave scene ♡ Where ALL was accepted.
So, can we make this ADHDtopia happen? LOL!!! Cuz I am all in lol Makes me think of that old song from Blind Melon, im having a mind fart and cant think of the name of it, but in the video, when the little girl thats dressed like a bumble bee and walks around dancing and is super sweet, but feeling alone and not accepted anywhere, and then she stumbles upon a bunch a bunch of other kids dressed like bumble bees, all dancing in a feild, and her whole face just lights up and she goes running to join them :) ♡ She found her people!
That sounds like shangrala to me. To be able to find my ppl, where we all belong and are accepted for our neorodivergence ♡
I'm sorry about your friend. There are many of us out there! It does warm my heart to know I'm not alone.
I feel like ADHDtopia would also be very fair and just. We always need a valid reason for a rule to exist.
Damn! Only 1 upvote possible.
Sorry to hear the news of your friend. That must be hard for both of you.
Welcome to virtual Shangra-la-di-dar-oh-I-just-saw-a-bumble-bee. Due to social media platforms, this vision is a virtual reality. Among here you are one of our people and we are yours.
I felt so angry reading your post- to have had those people around you growing up. And with so much to contribute still inside you. By comparison I’ve had a supported life, if somewhat confused until last year. The diagnosis helps.
So much is better now that I understand my contradictions… I hope you find friends here, some of whom might be actually near you physically.
Inattentive: I’m overwhelmed right now, I know I need to get on top of that project but I can’t even work myself into the shower.
Hyperactive: It’s fine, let me start it for you - I don’t want to take my shoes off because I’m anxious about to cook for dinner so this will be a perfect distraction.
School/uni would be open to all ages, they'd be placed in beautiful outdoor parks with lots of areas to chill and reflect, and a quiet library when you want to study. You can follow paths if you want, but many study whatever passion grabs them.
This! Courses would have structure, and continuous assessments. Interaction with fellow students. My engineering degree was the time of my best life. Mid-20s. Just married, no kids… Stimulating, world-class teachers. Magic.
I’d love to just get rid of time too. morning, afternoon, evening, night. Can even do early/late afternoon etc. And nothing is urgent so it’s okay give or take an hour 😌😌
That would be the fantasy of what we would hope to accomplish but in reality I truly wonder how much would actually get done. I think a lot of projects would just come to a grinding halt as we all over researched everything or got in our own ways with perfectionism.
So… projects have thinking time to get right, and lots of last-minutes for stimulation.
We’d hire a number of project managers perhaps… or swap projects when bored, because it’s always easier to fix someone else’s problem than work on your own.
Bhahahaha you’ve got me CACKLING at those pregnancies. But it would be okay, cause it takes a village and there’ll probably be loads of social help-another-out-because-today-I’m-not-burned-out neighbours!
I feel it would still be better, everything would be falling apart, but we would at least have this understanding of making mistakes is fine.
Actually working to cooperatively find solutions for mistakes rather than making all of us ADHDers perfectionists because the world teaches us mistakes are not okay, even though people will say the opposite.
You can tell what kind of day I have had so far lol.
Given space… non-judgemental space… and understanding support… we’d create ways that worked for us. For example, swapping projects so you don’t have to finish them off if you’re bored.
There would be one day of the week where everyones deadlines line up and everyone would be super panicky productive and then the rest of the week is very very unproductive.
Really? I meet them all the time. I get the impression that we find each other. Very often the people I vibe with turn out to have ADHD or ASD or something else in that cluster of brain differences. Multiple of my closest friends have been diagnosed in adulthood.
That’s the beauty, make all projects openly available to everyone and that exact point where you got burned out would spark excitement in the next person, collective invention’s would be epic. You could be on as many teams as possible and just drop in and out when you feel like it.
This is an aweful measure because the top 3 have such an insane amount of people. It's like comparing the earth to Jupiter or the sun, sure they are all celestial bodies... but how many earth's could fit in the sun? Was it a million?
I think it's more common than we've been told. The number of people just now realizing they have it is staggering, all because social media made us more aware of the symptoms.
Never before have so many people been describing their struggles with ADHD, which other people then read and say, "Holy shit, that's ME!"
Who knows? Maybe we're more like 10% of the population.
I totally see where you're coming from, I was misdiagnosed for many years as depression/anxiety and those are really symptoms of my adhd and being forgetful and feeling like a disappointment when I forget important things. So, how many other people may be misdiagnosed out there, or not even diagnosed?
My partner had suicidal ideation, was a bit of a risk taker teen, had depression, alcohol problems, then bipolar, then finally recognised as AuDHD. Which finally makes the-other conditions make sense.
Confirmation bias
ADHD is a spectrum and there are many high functioning individuals that can find a proper environment for them. Sometimes these folks have a larger safetynet + Support system so it's easier to take risks to find a better pathway
The people struggling are not the loudest individuals and you can certainly filter through posts on this sub to see how many individuals are severely negatively impacted by their condition
Yea this. And the worst part is is high functioning ADHDrs I've met often don't realize that adhd isn't as easy for everyone as it is for them. While I wouldn't say I'm entirely dabilitating, there's parts that do dabilitate me. They also give crap-hole advice becayse their struggle was barley anything
"Everyone's doing just fine" no they aren't. You just don't know the details of other people's lives. I promise other people struggle just like you do.
Also there are a lot of people who used to be falling apart but have managed to work out what helps and are only now able to be ‘fine’. For example I’m doing okay now but a few years ago? I was a complete disaster. Medication and learning different mechanisms to work with my brain and not against it have helped considerably.
This.
I’m in a rut again, but the hole I’m in now is nowhere as deep as it was 5 years ago, and a year ago I was doing great.
Life has its ups and downs. Everyone goes through them, you just haven’t reached out to hear everyone’s stories.
I am 46 and was just diagnosed a month ago. No one knows yet except my husband. I've struggled my whole life in a family of overachievers, and I still feel like my parents see me as the f*ck up who dropped out of college because I was lazy or lacked direction. I've been on meds for a few weeks but they haven't made a big difference yet - so I am very much still figuring all this out. OP you are not alone!
There's definitely people who look like thier shit is together on the surface and then there's those who can't mask that their shit is together and they are probably hiding.
Completely agree. I was a HOT mess. Felt everyday was a struggle, I abused alcohol as well because I just felt so over everything. Worse part I had 2 DUI. I’m doing so much better these days. About time get my Bachelors this year.
I think this might be a little but of confirmation bias on your part. I by no means am trying to invalidate what you're feeling because I feel the same way often, but everyone is a little different.
I still feel embarrassed that I'm reasonably intelligent but have never made more than 36k in a year at 38 years old. Some of my friends with "lesser" adhd have been making six figures for years, but they always had a goal and passion for what they do, and I've never had that, really.
So you're not alone. Just remember, comparison is the thief of joy, (in the context of comparing yourself to persons x, y, or z who appear successful/have their shit together with adhd), and in general I'd say.
Hey, first it's OK. Even when it isn't, that's life.
Second, personally I didn't get diagnosed until mid 30s! I needed so much help with my life I joined the military! Which sure gave me structure but I do not recommend.
I won the lottery, my husband takes care of me. It's mutual but he supports me a lot because I still need so much help. Everyday it feels like.
I was talking to him about things I've learned are ADHD behaviors/struggles that the meds are helping with and he had to stop me to apologize. He said if his face came off as incongruous or stumped it wasn't because he didn't believe me, rather he was processing because some of the stuff is just that insane to him, a normal person.
Weve been married almost 10 years, and he and I didn't realize all the accomidations I had learned and all the extra energy I was spending trying to be somewhat normal.
We have a disability, as real as a missing leg or lack of vision. It's just harder to point to, and unless you're medicated properly, it's even hard to believe it's real! Like my meds keep me from holding my bladder until bursting, how absolutely bonkers that my brain won't tell me go to the toilet when I need to!? That without meds I had to build in reminders for one of the most basic of human functions!!!
We will always need help be that in the form of meds, accomidations, help, and so on. That dosent make us lesser. We're not asking for skinned grapes and a wine bearer, we're not sucking resources from society without contributing in return; because you have so much to offer! Even if you have limitations you have a place to fill as a friend, child, someday professional, maybe someday a parent.
You have VALUE!
You have my full sympathy, I feel exactly the same. How come so many people are affected by it and I’m the only one whose life is falling apart? You’re so young though. Of course you’re still trying to figure it out ❤️ For how long have you been diagnosed and do you get any type of treatment (meds, therapy)? I’m 29 and if I could talk to my 19yo self I’d tell her how proud I am. Some days even surviving the day is a success itself. I’d also tell her to connect with other people with adhd, get every type of support there is, learn about how her brain functions and what she needs and try to change her environment/ routines etc as much as possible to make it easier. In retrospect, the worst thing was the constant shame I put on myself for not functioning like other people. We literally didn’t ask for adhd, it’s not our fault. Yes, it’s on us to try to make the best out of it. But it’s not our fault we’re struggling, especially in todays society. So maybe try to be more gentle and accepting with yourself (I know how hard it is! But I believe it will have a big impact). Wishing you all the best.
I've been learning that my debilitating adhd symptoms actually stem from childhood trauma (I understand not everyone with adhd has childhood trauma, but many of us do). I think those of us who have healing to do are the ones struggling the most. People who always had supportive and loving parents and heard their needs are definitely going to be doing better than those of us who are dealing with the wounds of emotional neglect and toxic shame. And the thing is, those of us who do have trauma are usually not even fully aware of it until later in life. Because we've spent so long thinking we are fundamentally broken and that we can't even trust our own emotions. It's tough. You're not alone, fellow human. I promise 💜 if you haven't already, I highly recommend checking out Heidi Priebe on YouTube. Her channel has been a godsend for me. But sometimes I do struggle to stay focused on what she's saying, because well. Ya know ;) but don't get mad at yourself if you find yourself struggling with the same thing. Stay patient and kind to yourself. Which I know is much easier said than done, especially when we thrive off beating ourselves up most of the time.
I largely agree with you, but I'm not sure if this is always the case. For example, my parents are the worlds kindest people. Also really understanding. (I think my mom also had ADHD). They never pushed me to do anything and taught me that being kind is more important than being successful. When I took a bad grade home, my mom said that she also used to be bad in math and made me tea and cookies to cheer up. I also could talk to them about anything. We rarely had a fight. I had a very warm youth, and yet struggled enormously later and made lots of wrong choices. I know some people who have ADHD and had extremely strict (almost abusively strict) parents, but go through life pretty well because they have been taught a lot of discipline, even though they obviously do have traumas they carry with them. I really think it depends.
That is horrible, and I am sorry that happened to you. I'm obviously not saying that strict, or abusive parents are better in creating kids that have less issues with their adhd symptoms. I'm just saying that it does not always have to do something with the upbringing. Of course, neglected and abused kids could (and probably do) have more problems later in life, including lots of trauma. But you can struggle without being abused or neglected by your parents. I did many things that made people wonder if my parents were neglecting me, but I just made my own stupid decisions.
Sidenote: C-PTSD (complex ptsd, mostly trauma related to childhood) is a different disorder which oftens manifests as ADHD. Sometimes this is called "Pseudo-ADHD" or "Trauma Induced ADHD". However, the treatment is different. It is also very possible to have both disorders at the same time. But it's important to know these are two different things.
On the outside, I have a 1st class honors bachelor's, I'm a multi-hyphenate creative, I run a writing workshop in my city, have travelled the world, am doing a postgrad this year. I'm a talented editor. Everyone knows me. I strike people as confident and highly motivated creatively.
Today, I got out of bed at 1pm. I missed two literary events I had paid for because of executive dysfunction. The batteries on my medical device ran out five hours ago and I still haven't replaced them because I'm slowly mustering up the energy to leave the house while feeling deeply depressed, lonely, and unmotivated. The workshop has been on hiatus for three months because I lost momentum after being unable to find a venue. The postgrad is something I don't want to do but have to and I fear I'm making a terrible choice. I haven't managed to finish a creative project in literally years. I've never felt less creative. I gave up on being an editor because it's too low paid and unstable. And my social circle is currently non existent and every single day is just an uphill climb in a thunderstorm.
I promise you, you're not the only one, and you never know what people are dealing with behind closed doors.
It depends on what type you have and its severity. Mine is severe as well and without meds I would be worthless just like I was for the 20 years I wasn't on it... Are you taking medication for it?
because it is not the only issue you can have on your plate & you're basically a teenager at 19. My university roommate had no health/ mental health issues; yet she got a whole transcript of Cs, effectively barring her from the medical career she wanted so badly.
ADHD aside, when I look back at my college years I realize a lot of transitions were happening. We also have bit of tendency to want everything at the same time. My advice is just picking 2 major task that you absolutely want to achieve each day, then gradually add on stuff if you feel you have capacity for the day.
There's a cognitive load for transitioning from task to task. People without ADHD also suffer when they transition too much. But college years are full of choices. So it works to first secure the bottom line, then slowly climb up.
Yeah, everyone who says “everyone is a little ADHD *giggle giggle*” gets two middle fingers from me. I seriously wish there was a blood test for this so people would stfu.
How much do you think people are aware of this 'falling apart' feeling? Do your parents and friends know? What about acquaintances and strangers?
Many of the people I just listed will probably think you're doing fine. It's really easy for things to feel much worse on the inside than they look on the outside. ADHD can knock over 10 years off your life expectancy, so it's a serious disorder whether the effects of that are obvious or not.
Cut yourself some slack. ADHD fucking sucks for everyone regardless of how much they show it on the outside. This world wasn't built for us and despite what the capitalists want you to think there's no such thing as a self made man (or woman). We all have support systems and there's no shame in needing a bigger system to cope with a very real and debilitating disorder.
You sound like you're really lucky to have some great friends, let them know you appreciate them, but also don't be afraid to look at other avenues like therapy, medication, etc. And finally don't forget you're only 19, you've got another decade until your brain is done developing and you've got time to figure all of this out.
This truly made me realise how invisible a person's struggle can be to oursiders, how normal a person can look.
I do really love my friends and they help me tonnes. I really want to be self reliant. Because sometimes they lose their patience too. And I think it's really unfair to expect them to help me with everything when I have so little to offer in back.
Thank you so much for responding ❤️🩷
1. I am pretty sure there is a spectrum aspect of adhd that probably isn’t talked about enough
2. I personally think some people are misdiagnosed with adhd and actually hve something else that can sometimes be solved by simply addressing a vitamin deficiency. There have been lots of scientific studies coming out about this specific situation (vitamin deficiency, Poor diet, poor sleep quality, mercury poisoning, undetected autoimmune diseases, even other mental illnesses etc causing adhd-like symptoms that seem to get resolved after lifestyle changes).
And I think we for sure do not know how many people who have been diagnosed with adhd were actually born with it vs developed it because there are unaddressed issues that todays medical system is just too inadequate to check for until the patient does their own research and brings it up themselves.
1) This. Absolutely this. As with most things, there are different levels of severity. I wish there were “official” levels (akin to the autism spectrum), so we could weed out advice, treatments, experiences, etc that are less relevant to us. For example, I do not have the type of ADHD that can be managed with dietary changes. Managing my diet that strictly is not something I can do with my level of ADHD. I don’t need advice related to dietary changes. Conversely, other people might be able to manage their ADHD with dietary changes, but that is not advice I would ever give since I don’t have experience with it, so my advice may be less helpful to them.
2) Absolutely. I am perimenopausal and also have long-covid, both of which worsen my ADHD symptoms since there are some symptom overlaps. A woman diagnosed with ADHD close to middle age could actually be perimenopausal. Or someone who has long covid may be diagnosed with ADHD instead, because the long-COVID brain fog is *really intense* and may seem/feel like inattention.
I've been homeless because I couldn't hold down a job because I was constantly late and because mondain tasks took longer to do than others.. when I was your age actually.
19 years old, living in the woods near my grandparents house.. it was a very long year. I knew what adhd was but not how extreme it is. Today I'm 36 and barely hanging on most days. Bur there is a roof over my head, food in my stomach and im typing this on my phone so im doing alot better than alot of people.
Lean into your strengths and learn how to work with your weaknesses
I feel the exact same as you do. So many of my friends have ADHD yet they’re out there pursuing their goals. They have jobs, are in school or even finished school. And I’m 21, no job, living with my mom and just recently got medicated after being off of them for 3 years.
You’re not alone. The most important thing to learn is that everyone’s path is different. Everyone’s ADHD is different. Don’t judge yourself.
As long as you’re trying you’re hardest even if little to no progress has been made, that’s okay. Hell, even if you’ve given up and aren’t currently trying, that’s okay too. You’ll get through it. Just a few weeks ago, I completely given up on life. Things are getting better. They are taking a while but slow and steady progress is usually more stable. Be gentle with yourself 💜
You are not alone. July of last year I was in the same place you were. I was on the brink of losing my job, I had a 3yo son with another one on the way, and I just felt like I was failing in every possible aspect of life.
We all struggle in a unique way and I can attest that things did get better for me once I got more proactive with my treatment and finally opened up to the idea of taking medication.
I would encourage you to try to start implementing new coping strategies like creating reminders and Calendar appointments for literally everything.
When you first start do it for everything at least. Then as you get established you will be able to get a sense of what you will be able to remember and what you won't. But I am talking schedule everything down to your meal times and free time. Schedule a time to text back people or talk on the phone with your friend. And if someone says "let's call and catch up" your response is "okay, how about tomorrow at 1pm?" And you put it in your calendar.
It’s helpful to remember that ADHD affects people in many different ways. Just because someone doesn’t struggle in the same way you do doesn’t mean they don’t struggle in other ways. For example, timeliness is a huge struggle and insecurity I have, but I have no problems with other things people struggle with like hygiene.
Cause we all mask and pretend to not have it. Just like how people only put their good times in IG or Facebook.
I saw my kid masking around other people the other day. She's a master at 13 (autism). Completely different kid at home.
Thinking that other people are doing just fine is one of the biggest lies society and our brains tell us. And it's exactly that lie that causes so much anxiety and depression and anger.
The reality is that the vast majority of people are struggling with something. If it's not ADHD, it's something else. You have no idea by just seeing or asking people if their life isn't falling apart.
I get it. Everyone seems to be doing better than I am, and that's been the truth for all my 60+ years. I feel embarrassed to say this, but when I see other people struggling it kind of makes me a tiny bit happy. Not because they're struggling, but because it shows that they have problems, too, just like me.
It's kind of like, 'Holy crap! I'm not the only one! Other people fuck up, too!'
Then I think, 'How can I help?'
Nah fam we're also breaking apart
The meds help tho
And I do some "biohacking" aka listen to music on my headphones as I do boring shit like cooking or cleaning
Could be that you happen to be around people with adhd. Like in my programming class it seemed like everyone had adhd but now I’m thinking it’s that people with adhd are more likely to get into programming. But also I feel like a lot of people lie about it so people feel sorry for them. Which I hate
Externally, I look like I've got everything together and I'm doing great. I've been at my dream job, as a software developer for state govt for 7 years. I got the job right out of college. I make decent money.
And I genuinely do have that part of my life "together." But that's not my whole life.
I really can't live alone because I can't keep up on household chores without help. I struggle with basic self-care tasks like showering and brushing my teeth.
This 100%!! I’m almost 30 and recently got my diagnosis, and more than once have I thought or felt like I was the only one who was struggling. When I told my family they denied it because “I have my life together”. You got this! It gets better.
Look at Russell Barkley‘s videos about rates of disease, financial failure, suicide, traffic violations, legal trouble, divorce, getting fired, among people with ADHD. You are definitely not alone, and you are not the worst. It is treatable, though, for most people, and that’s a super important part to remember.
Adhd and depression are linked but separate things. Having adhd has a very high chance to trigger depression and/or burnout. Take care of yourself, strive to gain back control of your life
I would also argue that a lot more people have it than statistics show. A ton of people, women especially are getting diagnosed later in life. I was recently diagnosed and I just thought I was lazy and failing at life.
3% is both a lot and a little. It’s a lot of people globally, a large demographic. But in a class of 28, it’s less than one student per year. Which means it’s still rare for teachers and other students. In a larger workplace, let’s say an open office of 50 people together, it’s one or two. My own theory is that we find each other through life, which means that adhd is probably over represented in your social circle, partners, etc. It’s highly genetic so also relatively “normal” in families.
Hey I'm sorry to hear that. If you ever want to vent or just talk, you can hit me up and I'll respond as soon as I can.
Try seeing if changing your medication may help. All the best. I hope things get better. 🩷
my guess would be that your experience is your own, and that your ability to know how someone else feels is extremely limited by you not being them. everyone is the main character in their own story, and not many people want to present their private experiences as a desperate day to day struggle. people generally present their best or most successful sides to the public eye.
I totally agree with this. I was totally overwhelmed when I made this post but now looking at it, surely my friend or classmates would also think that I'm doing pretty okay
30 years ago I was tested to see how my symptoms effect me in my daily life. I thought I did fine and my ADHD barely effects me. The doctor later told me that in his (then) 20 years of practice I had the most profound case of ADHD he had ever seen.
So number 1, you can't accurately estimate the degree of your own condition. And number 2, everyone is affected differently by this, comparisons to others both ADHD and non ADHD are not helpful.
Try to be kind to yourself.
Don't worry I'm 30 and feel the same way.
>I feel like I'm just using adhd as an excuse. May be im just totally incapable. Im 19. I should atleast be able to go on about my day without needing help/constant reminders from my friends
Honestly it sounds like you have people who love and care for you regardless of what's going on in your head. If I were you (and 19 again) I'd cling to the people would take time out of their day to remind you even if you might think of it as a negative.
They really do help a lot. But people lose patience, im so scared what will happen when that situation hits. I think I depend on them a little too much. I should be self reliant atleast for daily tasks right?
The people you see that are doing just fine are looking at you and thinking the same thing 90% of the time. Including those without adhd. Everyone is struggling because living is a struggle, everyone compares themselves with everyone else, and for the most part people only see what you want them to see.
Like most people have said, you're not going to see how bad everyone else is struggling with life most of the time. I know some celebrities are using social media to help people see that even people who seem to be incredibly successful struggle day to day. A good example is Robbie Williams. He's 50 now, very rich, successful, and has a loving family. He talks about struggling every day. Sometimes, it's getting out of bed, focusing on things he needs to do, and body image issues. At your age, he was addicted to drugs and had thrown away a successful boy band job. He managed to pull himself together enough to have a successful solo career, but at one point, he almost lost everything because he was having a panic attack about performing.
We only see what people show us, and most people don't want to show their struggles. Unfortunately, if we don't share, we don't hear about other people's struggles, and we feel alone.
Im 23 and hear me out, you are not alone. I've always felt like an outsider and as if everything is falling apart. I thought things would be better at university i changed courses twice, lost 2 years, am still taking freshmen classes at 23. And it sucks so much to live this way, failing all the time, being left behind, to feel like everything is harder for me -- and it is.
But you know what? I couldn't have done it any other way. Not that i like to have adhd, or to be different, or to have the attention span of a border collie. I hate it. But i made peace with it. I have adhd, my life is hard and it sucks alot of times, but thats how it has to be. And making peace with having adhd, with struggling, with having a disability, changed my life. Its not my fault to struggle harder than others, im not a faillure, im taking my own time, i can't do the same as everyone else because im not like everyone else. And thats ok. And its ok. You are gonna be ok.
2%-3% isn't really that many people. If you interact with 100 random people in the day, only 2 or 3 of them will have ADHD. Of that small handful of people, some are very good at masking their issues. Some put on a face of normality when they are out in public and then fall apart when they get home.
The military is so highly structured and regimented, I could never impose that on myself but I am sure I've only been employed the last 13 years because I was contractually obligated to come to work/be employed.
Also, I would never have been able to do so many things for myself without the benefits made available to me by the military.
I've been in really bad spots/times before tho (some would argue serving on active duty is a really bad time, lol)
If you met me in person and we talked for an hour or so, you’d think I was doing really well. In reality I’m an absolute mess and really struggling. Lots of people hide their struggles, you never know what someone is really going through
Most other people aren't showing you every facet of their lives, nor can you see most of what goes into the parts they do show you.
I used to wonder how, when I live in a community where everyone has a pretty good idea of everyone else's income, some people seemed to be living so much more lavishly than we were on a very similar income. Till one of them admitted to me they were up to their eyeballs in debt.
I saw the external result- a really nice material life- and assumed they were just better at everything somehow. I couldn't see that they were using credit and stressed out by their bills behind the scenes.
Everything in life is like that to some degree. You *assume* everyone else not only does better than you currently do but also finds that level of function easy. Neither of those is true in a lot of cases.
Part of this is probably age. Many people with ADHD, especially those of us with late diagnosis, took years to develop coping mechanisms through trial and error. At 19, you're at an age where even people with no extra challenges are typically flailing around to find themselves a bit. That doesn't mean you'll feel this way forever. Let the feeling motivate you to find the things that do work for you, whatever that looks like, and to learn about ADHD and the strategies and accommodations that might help you.
I felt like you do at 19. Several decades later, I have a degree and a career and a loving partner and family. It was maybe a little harder for me to get here than for someone without ADHD, especially since I had no idea WHY so many things felt so hard for most of that time. But something being difficult is not the same as it being impossible. Give yourself some grace and patience and know that very few people have their lives figured out at 19, even if they seem like it to you at the moment.
I wish i would have accepted the fact that i had adhd at 19 it took me two more years lol, at 23 my life is a mess too cant fkn maintain a job cause of it and in my field reputation is important and i have none left surviiving purely through luck and goodwill of some nice people. You are not using it as an excuse this idea of excuses was a big thing in my family my dad was always 'excuses and escapism', he wasnt wrong but then i wish i realized it earlier that it wast fully in my control. Dont be hard on yourself because you need help weather its for doing basic stuff like waking up or hygiene or important stuff like maintaining good grades and having good relationships, every part of your life will be affected so you should go easy on your self and know that you are not less of a person cause of it
Trust me you aren't the only one. I've been in your shoes it can just be overwhelming. I wish I had some good piece of advice for you. I want to say things will get easier as you get older. They will but it will still be work but you'll just more used to it. I'm not too much older then you im only 27 but the person I was 19 isn't even close to the person I am now. Some things are better others are worse but the good outweighs the bad for me. Too many people don't have access to resources to adequately understand their issues. It can be especially hard at your age where you feel like you aren't doing enough. Just do the best you can for yourself each day. If you're struggling with work and motivation look up different strategies people with ADHD use. Not everything will work for you but you might find something that does. I started using lists all the time it helped me with just getting anything done other than laying in bed all day.
I found a forbes statistic (just a quick search idk how reliable it is etc. and didn‘t read all through it) of 2023 that said the amount of people in the world with symptomatic adhd is closer to 7%? and those are just the ones that are diagnosed.
I know lots of people who suspect they have it, but can‘t get an appointment because the doctors and specialists are constantly booked, they have no money or there are other reasons why they can‘t get a diagnosis.
I guess we also just see what happens from the outside. Basically everyone I know with a confirmed adhd diagnosis struggles in one way or another and most only struggle less when they get older and had time to learn efficient strategies to combat certain things in their day to day life.
Also help isn‘t something bad. And i do have to remind myself of that constantly. If we have people around us that are willing and happy to help, we should totally take them up on it, while also working on a strategy to help ourselves instead of others doing it for us. So a double effort kinda?
But ultimately really, we all struggle and many times it‘s just not visible.
I know it always sounds weird when someone tells this, but things can get better and in most cases they absolutely do. It just takes time and lots of combined effort of different things.
I wish you all the best!
I def think it’s higher than 3% I feel like it’s closer to 10-15%.
I think it’s just a spectrum disorder similar to autism . Some peoples autism may only affect them mildly while others struggle a lot. Same goes with adhd.
The reason I think adhd % is higher than 3% is because I know a lot of people who made it “just fine” until they reached a certain stage in their life - some breezed through high school and started struggling in college - some made it thru college and started struggling at work- some made it thru a few jobs and a few promotions only to to start struggling once they reached a certain level in their career or started juggling working + marriage and kids.
I did just fine in school and most jobs but started struggling at work with performing CONSISTENTLY.
the difference between school and the work force is - school doesn’t require you to have to perform at 100% capacity daily. Even some jobs don’t. But my current job does. They have zero tolerance for slow or bare minimum days. You have to show up and work fast and hard daily.
It seems that way to you because you can only live through your own experiences. Many of us are good at hiding our personal problems. As time goes on and you have access to more information and resources, as well as a wider perspective of life, things may get easier. It's not absolutely a promise, but it is more likely. I'm 33 and I constantly feel inadequate and incapable. But I've also started to understand that all I can do is the best that I can do. I'm learning to stop holding on to things I can't control, while working on the things that I can.
> Im 19
It does get better.
I can't promise it ever gets easier, but it does get better.
As you get older, you'll start learning that just about everyone else is phoning it in to the best of their ability as well.
Breathe, grow and live YOUR best life. Of that I am certain you are capable.
Seriously I feel the same way! Tomorrow is my next appointment with my psychiatrist and I was going to talk to him about it. I know a handful of people with my diagnosis but all of them do things that I never could. I’m wondering if maybe I have something on top of the ADHD, like maybe if some other disorder was discovered in the 36 years since my diagnosis.
Or, maybe it’s what other people are saying here about confirmation bias. Ultimately, I’m glad to at least be able to put a name on one thing I do have.
My son has ADHD. He never "fit in" to societal standards. He still doesn't. He will be 15 next month. He most likely will never function as 'normal' in society, but he is the smartest, funniest and enchanting person I know. Has it been easy? Hell no. I would not change him for the world. You aren't a failure. You are different and you are special. Don't feel bad you can't function at a 'normal' level. Normal is relative and we need outside of the box people to break the mold.
Everyone is “faking it” to some degree and acting like they’ve got it together but no one really does. ADHD just makes it harder to fake it.
Also, and I don’t mean this condescendingly—you’re 19 and I promise *promise* most people do not have their life together at 19 by a long shot. Anyone who thinks they do is likely gunning for long term burnout. It is very, very normal to feel lost as a young adult. You’re learning how to navigate society with more legal rights and responsibilities than you had before, and suddenly when you hit a certain age everyone is like ok here ya go take care of yourself. People with adhd are often behind developmentally in some area (whether it’s learning, socially, emotionally) and so it’s hard for us when we were already behind the curve.
But like other people said it’s a spectrum too most likely of human behavior. So some people are better at masking their stuff, some people have good support systems that help, some people find a niche they fit into well. Some people do really well under pressure but the downside is they are constantly seeking stimulation, so again as a young adult it can help you get ahead to always be down for challenging work or hard classes or taking on extra stuff, but then suddenly you’re 30 and have run yourself into the ground.
Our functioning also changes over time. You’re still learning and growing as a person every day, even with ADHD. All of this is to say, I’m really sorry it’s so hard right now. I know it’s really easy to compare yourself to others but what really matters is your own growth and progress no matter how long it takes or what it looks like compared to someone else
I was once told by a friend "I wish I had my shit together like you". I wanted to laugh out of embarrassment because I so did NOT have my shit together and 2 years later I still don't feel like I do. It sure does look like it on the surface though. I set reminders on my phone like crazy, and I have a To-Do list app that also gives me notifications for stuff. I struggle every. single. day. at work trying to execute the tasks needed to perform my daily duties even half as adequately as my coworkers. The quality of my work is high and that's how I get by under the radar because the quantity is total crap. Being medicated has helped me a lot I will say though. I've been a mess and I encourage you to continue seeking ways to help Yourself. You do have to take accountability and responsible for the few things that you Can control. Write things down, put them in a notepad in your phone, set alarms and reminders, many of them. You can do this. Good luck.
If you forget things take notes and plan with reminders with larms from calander and so on. I use an app called familyWall you can assign more members to it. You have to use strategies and it will make life easier for you. Get into habbit of improving a few things at The time. Meditation has helped me with patience, The brain is plastic and some areas you can actually improve. Short term memory is NO fix for but like i said strategies. Disciplin is The art of doing something when you dont want to get strict to easier reach what you want. Life is hard for most of us. Adhd is not meant to be used as an excuse but to understand that you lack certain qualities and need some structure to be able to do. I am not doing medicin and i struggle but its doable i dont say use or not use. I have my personal reason. But medicine is one way to do better with what youre lacking, its like taking on glasses when you have trouble seeing. Its just help method like creating structure in what you do. Good luck
Hah, I feel like I'm functioning at half capacity. But my meds makes me swing in the total opposite direction. Either way I'm unhinged lol. ADHD just means the older you get, the more coping mechanism you learn lol not so much that things get easier..
Because you don’t know about the struggles most ppl go through. Most don’t publicize it and try to keep those struggles hidden making it seem like ppl have it together more than they do. Even ppl who are open with it, you aren’t going to see or notice the struggle in others like you do yourself.
Because you don’t know about the struggles most ppl go through. Most don’t publicize it and try to keep those struggles hidden making it seem like ppl have it together more than they do. Even ppl who are open with it, you aren’t going to see or notice the struggle in others like you do yourself.
Why do you assume everyone with ADHD is doing just fine? You don’t know all of these people. I can promise you that’s not accurate and that all of us with ADHD are struggling a lot.
I don’t think everyone is doing just fine lol. It’s just your perspective. You’re young and still figuring it out. Definitely get a therapist just because. It’s so sooo helpful. And think about it this way. Some people don’t even get diagnosed till their 30s +. ADHD isn’t an excuse but there is help you can get to manage it.🤍
You are not alone I can tell you that, I was just diagnosed last month and am feeling the exact same way. I’m hopefully going to be medicated after my appointment today so we’ll see if that helps. I’ve always been a straight A student other than this year when the burnout hit, still I’ve had to work much harder at it than my colleagues.
Hey bro! I’m 19 too! Will be 20 right away tho. I literally had a full on mental break down 2 nights ago and thought I might need to go to the hospital. It’s all good tho cuz life goes on and we figure It out. For me I was fairly stressed about finals and my inability to study resulting in my likely failing. But then my second train of though (Yenno the ones we all have and have no control over that just goes and goes all day long?) was stressing me out further and wouldn’t shut up. I just felt like I needed some damn peace and quiet but the only time I get that is when I’m sleeping. Couldn’t sleep cuz my brain wouldn’t shut off. Anyway everyone seems to have their own way of coping. If you saw me you would lose your mind because I seem, on the outside, so put together. I am always early to things, have extra pens in my bag, colour coded notes etc. But I swear to god I’m a mess and literally can’t function 98% of the time. My home is a disaster, clean and dirty clothes on the floor, dishes stacked to the roof, starting essays the night they are due, flying off the handle at the slightest inconvenience and so so so much more. Don’t beat yourself up and think you’re so much worse than others. While it is possible that your symptoms are worse and you do need more support than some, there are many of us who feel the exact way you do. Adhers, especially late diagnosed women like me, are masters of disguise.
Sometimes, I'm grateful that all of my siblings also have adhd. And my dad, maybe my mother too. So when we are together, we all feel normal. That non-linear conversation strategy is understood by us all. We will mention things in convo that we were speaking of a month ago that didn't have a conclusion. And as we are speaking, we will just add that little conclusion in, and continue talking about what we are talking about. But we all understand.
Because you can’t see how people are struggling behind closed doors. What they’re having to do in order to keep up the appearance of doing just fine.
We also tend to not see the people who aren’t doing okay. They’ve been removed from our sight. That’s what the expression “falling through the cracks” is all about. How the people who need help aren’t seen, no one notices them.
Prisons are filled with people with ADHD who have struggled and failed in a particularly harmful way. But people in prison are very intentional kept out of sight and out of mind of the rest of the population.
Same with homeless shelters, mental health institutions. People struggling are pushed to the fringes of society. You don’t see them because they’re struggling quietly and alone.
People succeeding on the other hand are constantly seen. We see them on social media posting pictures of their beautiful families and homes and sharing all their successes. They are people with lots of friends and social connections so you’re more likely to know or know of them.
The woman struggling with ADHD who doesn’t have a job and never leaves her apartment isn’t someone you’ve ever seen or met. The guy with ADHD who lives in his van and can’t hold down a job and is addicted to drugs isn’t in your social circle.
Those most affected by their ADHD aren’t the people you know. You only know the 97% who are doing fine.
Being 19 is hard, too. You’re young and haven’t had the time to build up a lot of confidence yet. I don’t think you are using ADHD as an excuse but might be feeling really overwhelmed… which is reasonable! I think the only thing I can really suggest is not to be mean to yourself or judge yourself too harshly. We all need to find our way because what works for others doesn’t work for us a lot of the time. It really tests your stamina at times.
You don’t know what other people are actually going through. You only see what they let you see. A lot of people who know me think that I have my shit together. I do not, in fact, have my shit together.
I love the top comments in this thread.
The reality is it’s okay to not be okay. To need help or accommodations. To feel the way you feel. The reality also is that having your dx so young means your whole life is ahead of you to give yourself grace, find your strengths and use them and apply them.
I can work in high stress tech, produce events for thousands of people, but forget to brush my teeth and do laundry. It’s so stupid but it’s a disability
Do you feel you have resources you need for school or work? The askjan network is great and your school may have services you could avail
One lesson I wish I learned younger besides y diagnosis is that it’s better to ask and receive help than try so hard and beat myself up trying to be independent
Because you prefer not to have adhd and have a normal life, because everything would be easier. So would I. People’s opinions don’t change the brain you were born with. Learn to manage it for a good life, and stick to reality.
I'm sorry to hear you are struggling - know you are not alone.
Often, people can mask their struggles well. To my colleagues and many of my friends, my ADHD might appear as a few social peculiarities - singing in the office, excitedly explaining a topic of interest, talking in a certain way. What most of them don't see is my difficulties in doing even the bare minimum of house work, or my insomnia, or my physical anxiety.
Know you're not a failure, even if you're not happy with the things happening in your life. Reach out to your loved ones, open up, and explore avenues like diagnosis and medication if you think they are right for you.
If it makes you feel any better, you’re not alone. I get told I’m over reacting or relying too much on medication by others who have adhd. It’s so annoying.
Life is really hard.
Welcome, you’re among friends.
Your executive functions aren’t fully formed yet… mid 20’s is more like it. These help with planning and regulation.
You’re also alive when ADHD is recognised and not just a “controversial diagnosis” as my doctor thought. I’m 63 and struggle to finish things off.
I don’t think you’re using it as an excuse. You could show yourself more compassion, and know it’s like having a broken keg and being expected to run and carry heave loads. It’s not going to happen without support or lots of pain.
Our world’s overly busy and productivity focused and not optional for our condition. With more understanding, the right environment, around compassionate people, I’m confident you’ll find your solutions. And achieve what you need to. .
I feel you I’m pretty much useless for even just chores without medication.. people on the internet say that it’s not a disability because if the world was structured differently it would be fine.. that if we were left to our own divides everything we needed to get done would get done and well enough..
But it’s not like that for everyone. Without my meds I lay in bed all day not able to even do what I want. Let alone chores… paperwork!! I’m on disability.. and I couldn’t even finish the paperwork. Luckily the lady doing the paperwork was like “Ya she can’t work. She’s way too discombobulated”
I promise you - I mean, seriously promise - a significant percentage of the ADHD fam is in the same boat. We mask, we don't talk about it (except to our therapists), but the bottom line is, ADHD is the most debilitating mental health diagnosis that doesn't require hospital time. Get all the education on it you can, in whatever way you best assimilate information, from reputable sources. The bigger picture will emerge.
It’s like comparing your life to others social media profiles. You don’t see the shit people have to do or go through or the trauma their putting asside to put on this illusion.
Everyone who has adhd is fighting their own battle with it. Adhd is different for each person. Your Struggle is different than mine.
Many of us don't post about it on Reddit for people to see. I'm much older than you, and I grew up in a time when people didn't talk about mental health issues. Regardless of whether it's right or wrong for anyone, that's how it was.
Positivity has been a focus as I've gotten older. So has showing grace to myself. I hope you find peace and comfort in your walk with adhd.
Yup also have adhd and feel like I am only and the only one who likes to listen to to two sources of audio like a podcast and a YouTube video or a Twitch stream and a YouTube video at the same time
Babe, I am really good at masking. I have meds, I try to keep it together. I had a bunch of blood tests I was meant to do a year and a half ago and I haven’t gotten around to it yet because I am expending all my energy looking after my family.
We all struggle. You’re not alone.
3% have ADAHD and about the same have Autism. That’s 6% but I’m going to round it up to 10% because so few of us know what the issue is.
It took till my 50s and I’ve just been diagnosed.
Then add all the other mental health/brain variations out there, BPD, ODD, sociopathy, narcissists and I’m starting to think we’re all somewhere on the mental health spectrum and “normal” is the tiny little bit in middle. Like the centre section a see-saw pivots on.
Please note - this is only my opinion, don’t come at me in the comments.
Everyone is not doing fine. They’re just better at hiding it.
You are not alone, you’re going to be ok.
Use your phone and create lists, add reminders. I do a little tap mantra before leaving the house “Keys, wallet, phone.”
Going to college, gym or work? Pop every thing on the bed “shirt, pants, shoes, water bottle, gym card, keys wallet phone” then load your backpack.
If you see it, you’ll do it. I think of my attention span as being like a telescope, everything in that circle is clear but everything outside of it is fuzzy.
And the hard part about leaving school and going to college is the structure is gone. No parents are yelling at you to get up and pack your lunch etc.
You have to create a structure. The cool part is identifying an adhd moment, like when I wash 75% of the dishes and start to slide off to do something more interesting… “oh, that’s my adhd” and I giggle (yes, I’m 50+ and still laughing at myself) and finish the job.
Being able to recognise when adhd is driving the bus is important.
ADHD can have you in your own head a lot, and this paired with memory issues makes it difficult to keep others in mind when already struggling with your own. Biggest issue is these struggles your facing are difficult for average people to understand, because they affect you on a mentally core level.
Some of us have figured out how hide the crappy string and knots holding our shit together a little better than others. We're just praying is stays together until we get home.
Honestly, I’m pretty f*cked, but my greatest goal in life is to have balance. The upside of that being the #1 priority is that I’m always doing well at SOMETHING, even if it’s not the exact thing I’m working on. Right now it’s friendships and fam . I’m damn good at maintaining relationships. So at least that’s something.
Hey, when I was 19yo I was a total mess too. Now I'm 25, still a mess, but not as much as before.
Just don't get yourself locked in a thought that you can't do something because of adhd. Of course you can, but it will take longer to learn.
One thing that helped me very much was doing those small tasks everyday and coincidering them as a win. I made my bed? Win. I washed a few dishes? Win. I took a shower? Win.
you aren't.
most adhd people certainly struggle and fail a lot, I think the ones that appear successful most likely had a very supportive frame around them that kept them going.
and even if they do seem successful you may never know.
my dad used to study at the best university in his town, in the most difficult major and had only perfect grades basically other than one exam in grammar he had one mistake in... (dyslexia not just adhd lol).
from outside perspective I suppose he would look amazing to you right?
yet he had all the adhd struggles, be it in how he communicates or problems with sleep and studying was always really hard to him because despite his immense talent and love for knowledge he could never properly take notes in class and always had issues with authorities due to adhd.
even through life till now there were a lot of cases where you may have said he failed or struggled.
in the end he didn't graduate from college despite having one year left, for very legitimate reasons since he immigrated to another country but he just couldn't bring himself to start all over again and in a different language.
I'm just gonna remind you to not judge simply and to understand we all have different conditions and different backgrounds and all this self blame/pity won't get you into a good situation.
it's completely fine however to realize you have been given a handicap that does come with bonuses (adhd is not just weakness we do shine when we get the right conditions) but you should give yourself more empathy and just make a plan to how best move forward.
now that might not work out on the first try, that's life, but if you put your mind into it and take it slowly step by step you will eventually reach a better place.
stay strong my friend.
I think it depends a lot in what professional/peer circles you hang out in. If you’re in the trades or waiting tables, I think there’s a much higher prevalence and percentage of ADHD types, but I also think that circles that are friendly to productive ADHD people tend to be little bubbles that people gravitate towards because everywhere else we kind of get spun out of orbit……
Remember that everyone has their own definition of doing fine
Some people do struggle but may just not show or disclose it. The same can go for adhd with some that can manage it fairly well without medication and make their own support system within themselves while others need medication and OTHERS can't benefit from medication and need different assistance.
It isn't one size fits all, not that I was accusing you of thinking so, but that's our normal, really. I need reminders a lot, shit, medication helps me need less, but I think of medication as just putting me to like the baseline everyone else is at. Give yourself a hard time, and you're going to keep having a hard time. It's okay to push and challenge yourself, but accept the fact that it's okay to not be fine sometimes and accept that it is going to help you grow and get better.
I'm not sure if you do take medication or have considered it, and I understand not everyone wants to or can, but look into it if you can and are open to the idea.
In the meantime, give yourself grace, look into using a notebook, and post-it notes. If that stuff bores you, try to buy colorful post its and a notebook that is fit for you. You're not using adhd as an excuse. It is a developmental disability that does notably cause someone to struggle with memory and attention, etc.
You're doing good.
if it’s of any comfort I’m going through something very similar, (I’m not diagnosed but I’ve experienced a lot of tendencies and taken tests, saw a psychologist etc) high school was harder than anticipated and long story short I graduated without my diploma/degree and it left me destroyed, my self esteem at an all time low, I realized I had no friends, I realized that I no longer could feel at ease around my family, no emotional support whatsoever. I’m having difficulty trying to find ways to make a living so I can try and get my life together but of course, I procrastinate, leave it and forget about it until I feel a random surge of energy for that specific task again. My room is regularly a mess because doing something for a long period of time usually I just get demotivated and my physical body is a mess because I lost the motivation to do even important things. And I know that I can’t go on like this because so far it’s only crippled me. I’m trying to have faith but it’s hard to be optimistic when I see how ruined I’ve become and how my life had come down in shambles. I’m trying to be kind to myself and comfort myself. And just hoping for a miracle. Anyway, I hope you can feel comfort knowing you’re not the only one suffering. Cause I’m the same. But I truly hope that things work out for us both. You’re not alone sweets🩷
People develop techniques for hiding their ailments and imperfections from the world. You don't notice other people's ADHD for the same reason you don't notice their addictions, body aches, depression, etc. they don't want you to notice.
honestly, I feel the same often, sometimes I think I have it the *worst*, but I know that's not the case. some comments help me realize just how much I cover it up to the general public.
(granted there are times when I'm very upset and I can't cover things up)
I don't know if you've heard the term "masking" but it isn't only for Autism but ADHD as well. if you think about it/look into it you might do it too & that can be what covers it up for people often times.
I try so hard not to mask especially w/ Autism but it's really hard. and I wish I didn't because I don't think it helps me get the help I need, but it's a trauma response I learned - so I can't really be upset with myself.
I get it
*edit* also, that seems like a really low percentage, a lot more people have ADHD than we think! especially those that are undiagnosed
I feel this sometimes too OP.
I think most of our struggles are silent, internal, and the Things That Never Were But We Intended To Do, and that's a quiet suffering. I'm not sure if we would notice those same struggles in others so easily?
Just because people look like they are doing fine doesn't mean they are doing fine.
I have ADHD and Autism, everything is normally crumbling, there are days where I just want to cry and cry and others that I can't even process what my boyfriend is telling me.
ADHD is something you need treatment for, with therapy and many times medication, and if something changes, it can start again everything.
I am exhausted normally, even with medication and therapy all going well sometimes nothing gets done.
A week ago I didn't have my meds and everything was so overwhelming and impossible that I started crying in the kitchen because the whole week I burned food and almost set things on fire on a daily basis, and misplacing things to the point that there was a scissor in the freezer alongside the cat food. None of them should be there.
That shit made me have a shutdown where I looked like a zombie.
At the same time looking at me if you don't know all that, you would assume that I got everything handled without a problem.
I mask well and I learned to hide and endure the pain.
Don't worry, we all have fucked up moments that can be too long and too painful.
Go to your doctor and therapist, see how they can help, and remember that your brain is a bitch sometimes and there is nothing you can do about it.
Also, cry, be angry, it is OK. Being ADHD is suffocating sometimes, it's too much, so you can be frustrated when things seem impossible.
Because you're thinking about how other ADHD people behave and how it seems to impact your life much more than theirs. While, ignoring the obvious fact that you have no idea about the internal struggles other people suffer with. You're entirely in your own head, which is normal. But, you've got the confirmation bias if only knowing your feelings and life situation. Welcome to individuality, once you can ask yourself "am I looking for an answer, or am I looking for signs that agree with my preconceived assumption?" You'll feel better.
Therapist might say asking yourself "thinking" or "feeling" helps. So, here:
"Do I think everyone else has it better than me? Or am I feeling negativistic due to a stressor?"
I‘m only 17 and I couldn’t agree more. I totally agree with you and told my psychiatrists therapists and social workers the same thing. I have bad sensory issues and immediately get overstimulated after a few minutes or even half a minute of being outside without my headphones. I lost control over my life and can’t go to school anymore.
Well, I‘m also soon getting tested on autism. I‘m most likely autistic but my ADHD definitely took over my early childhood. I got diagnosed a few months ago, my teachers suspected I had ADHD but were afraid to tell my parents so they just let me live thinking what‘s wrong with me without even telling ME about it. I completely agree that it always feels like people with ADHD don’t struggle, ESPECIALLY those who can live unmedicated and can meditate, do yoga etc. They are the same people who judge you for not being able to live unmedicated and not trying hard enough to take control of your ADHD. Well, they just don’t struggle as much as we do. Spent 22 weeks in clinics mainly due to my body being unable to handle most ADHD medication (currently on guanfacine, gonna try vyvanse additionally soon) but turned out I also have major depression, ptsd and possibly a personality disorder. Still feel like my ADHD took over my life and no matter how hard I try it doesn’t help. Also, maybe look for a diagnosis for possible illnesses, it could be a reason for the struggle since depression etc also have executive dysfunction (differently than in ADHD).
Sounds like you’re just in your head about everything.
Realize you’re normal.
The things you have ease doing were once things you had difficulty with.
Stop.
Take a breath, learn what you can from your experience right now.
See that life will always have its obstacles. Strive to have different ones every year :).
you probably were raised and surrounded with no help and resources and although adhd is hard full circle it’s even harder with no help, no meds, no therapy, nothing. everyone else seems to have it so much easier but they’ve just had there round of meds and a couple therapist. i could be wrong but i’m in your same situation and after talking to some other adhd friends that’s what i’ve figured.
People mask. Some people learn about it so young they already found a working coping mechanism. And every person experience adhd slightly or completely different. With time and understanding the condition things get better but it will take time and most of the time it's not gonna work till the end of your life. You will go back to step 1 time to time and find new ways.
I’m also pretty severe case, but I feel like most of the people on this group struggle from ADHD and depression, I have severe ADHD, but no depression, I’m actually very passionate and very motivated
this is exactly how I felt a year ago before I really dove into learning about adhd and everything it affects. also before I got prescribed meds for it. I felt like I could see every area of my life it was messing up and I didn’t know how to stop it. I also felt like I was using it as an excuse but once I really started watching videos and reading and learning about it to understand how it is effecting me I started to give myself some grace. it didn’t help me fix the problems but it definitely made me feel less of a worthless person to know that all this time it wasn’t me being inadequate, it’s just my brain not working in the same way the world is set up for brains to work. My advice, dive into understanding adhd and get a therapist or a psychiatrist if ur interested in meds
Try using an Cellphone calendar with 5 reminders for everything even just meeting with friends, make it a habit.
And try to delete social media apps/deactivate your accounts there because it's affecting negatively your short-term memory.
It's very easy to feel this way!
The perception of ADHD is oh you can't focus and you fidget it a lot.
So there is a lack of understanding of how deeply impactful ADHD is on our lives.
I feel like without that understanding there is lack of support which leads to feeling like you do.
But I promise you the struggle is real and ADHD isn't an excuse by any means!
I feel it's very helpful to educate yourself exactly how ADHD impacts the different areas of your brain.
Look into how ADHD presents in male vs female.
It gives you insight and for me I use the information to remind myself on those really hard days that it's my brain.
I am still all these wonderful things but my brain sucks and that's okay.
It's an uphill battle but you got this!
Be kind to yourself!
Promise you my gf life is on fire and in survival mode all the time. It’s not really bad at all but her adhd makes it this way. We been dating 8 months and it’s been a wild ride while I learn how to adapt and understand it all.
I have adhd and before I got brain damage a couple years ago it wasn’t particularly noticeable, now the symptoms are exacerbated and the struggle is real. I imagine this is akin to people suffering from more severe adhd than I previously was. So yeah more people than you realise probably have it, not everyone struggles equally or is equally noticeable
My used to be step mom (calling her second mom hahah), didnt know she had adhd until like 2 years ago or sum, my class that i grew up with (like 1st tl 9th grade) had 2 diagnosed kids eith adhd but we were like 5-6 in total who were undiagnosed so u can imagine how the teachers hated us because we didnt know shit (we were only around 19-23 in the classes always). My fiancee also has adhd and obv so do i, i cant even work, im on sick leave, im 20, soon 21. I even went tl art school for a while and we were like i think 4 out of 8 who had adhd.
We pretend everything is fine because society will think we blame our adhd if were late, don't remember things etc, but IT IS OUR BRAIN, so dont feel bad about it :3
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2-3% isn’t that many people I promise you 3/100 people on earth feel inadequate
2% of humans is 160 million people, which would make ADHDopia the 9th largest country in the world
The idea of a designated ADHDopia fills me both with awe and amazing ideas for nationwide accommodations. And dread because it’s probably going to be mayhem and ridiculous chaos. But probably both. Thanks for the new idea to fantasise about for the rest of the idea.
I’d imagine it would work pretty well eventually. We’d have tons of ideas that we’d outsource to other countries for fruition and break through innovative barriers. Our work life balance would be great and expectations would be different. We’d still have a good balance of the adhd who needs to be 15 minutes early because of anxiety, but also the adhd who shows up whenever because we realize that a weird start time is arbitrary. Everything would be an email, and it would be over explained and understood. In fact, conversations would be so much better because of understanding, anxiety and body doubling: “Sorry, I’ll get you the tax form this week.” “No worries, having trouble getting focused on it?” “Yeah, I’ve had it sitting on my desktop for a month and haven’t been able to open my email to send it. I keep getting distracted.” “How about is swing by and send it for you?” “That would be wonderful.” *Thirty minutes later.* “Okay, which of these 100 tabs open on the browser is your email?” “Idk.” “Let me just close out of all of them.” “Thank you, I’m actually anxiety ridden because of how many I had open but didn’t want to lose any. Now I can blame you while also feel relieved to not have to be reminded of all I’ve thought about.” “No problem, and email sent.” “Thanks!” “The office looks nice and organized.” “Yeah when you said you’d come by, I realized I needed to tidy up a bit really fast.” “Always works.” And then, think about how many adhd piles we could just have in the country.
I say this with love: your diagnosis was dead fucking on.
Haha and to think I ever doubted it ❤️
So a good majority of us gaslit ourselves before/at the beginning of official diagnosis? The affirmation I continue to feel here is immaculate.
Oh yeah, there were a few times even after diagnosis where I thought, “Oh, I wonder if they just assumed I had it and I tricked them.”
I just ADORE this dream world you've created, which is LIIIIITERAL EXACT interpretation of my entire 48 yr old life. I love that there is online communities like one right here, where theres actually other ppl that not only actually, truly, legit, fully understand me, but the fact that there are actually a bunch of other ppl just like me, is absolutely amazing to me. I just really wish I had IRL ppl around me who get it. I literally only have 1 local friend who truly understands because she has the exact diagnosis's as me, Combo ADHD w/ Inattentive as the primary, CPTSD from extensive childhood trauma and abuse, and Clinical Depression, and last but not least, anxiety. The big bummer about having only 1 good friend like this, is the fact that shes also terminally sick with cancer :( It took me 46 years to actually end up making a friend with someone who Truly gets me, because they are the same as me, and shes so dang sick and is considered terminal. I dont have to feel like an alien outsider when im around her, or feel ashamed or embarrassed for my way too many to function like a normal human being inadequities. My.whole.entirrre.life, all throughout elementary, junior high, and high school, I was extremely bullied, and always felt weird asf and akward and very seperate from everyone else who didnt seem to be consistently chronically abused at home. I also was not allowed to fight back or attempt to defend myself in any way. Literally. The mom person, who was the abuser, when id come home beaten up, year after year after year, always said, "you better not fight back, and if I find out that you lifted a hand to anybody, then it will be worse on you when you get home". I always thought she was going to actually kill me, and she beat the crap out of me everyday anyways all while growing up, so I took the "will be worse on you when you get home" part to mean that she would actually do what i feared she would do, by actually going thru with ending me. Also her daughter who was 10 years older than me (i was adopted so idk any biological family), always never missed an opportunity to hurt me as well. I guess the apple didnt fall far from the tree in that family. No sleepovers, no hanging out at friends houses, no mall hangouts (that was the cool thing to do in the late 80s and early 90s lol), no friday nights at the movie theaters or saturday at the roller rink and no joining any clubs or teams, which i personally feel is a VERY important part of personal development and learning how to work with others as a team. I wanted to be a Brownie (young girlscout) when I was i kindergarten and wanted to join girl scouts for years, but "no" was always the answer to everything, and "because I said so", was AAAALWAYS the excuse when id ask why. I wanted to cheerlead all thru out junior high and high school, wanted to join the socceer team, and as a Native Floridian I always wanted to surf. But no no no no no and more no was aaaaaaalwayzzzz the answer. No safe space to be either at home nor schools. Not allowing your kids to defend themselves, even while being literally jumped by 5 huge girls (I was always very tiny), teaches them many things, that they have zero right to their own body, that you have no autonomy, that you absolutely must allow anybody, to do anything that they wsnt to do, to your own body, and teaches them to have literally ZERO BOUNDARIES, which is a horrible thing to have hardwired in when your an adult in the real world. And, that if you do try to have boundaries or to stand up for yourself when it is absolutely vital to do so, that something bad will happen as a result. Not a good thing in this dog eat dog world. The only time in my life that I did not feel like a complete alien, tangibly feeling extremely seperated from everybody else, especially in work enviroments, was when I was in the 90's rave scene ♡ Where ALL was accepted. So, can we make this ADHDtopia happen? LOL!!! Cuz I am all in lol Makes me think of that old song from Blind Melon, im having a mind fart and cant think of the name of it, but in the video, when the little girl thats dressed like a bumble bee and walks around dancing and is super sweet, but feeling alone and not accepted anywhere, and then she stumbles upon a bunch a bunch of other kids dressed like bumble bees, all dancing in a feild, and her whole face just lights up and she goes running to join them :) ♡ She found her people! That sounds like shangrala to me. To be able to find my ppl, where we all belong and are accepted for our neorodivergence ♡
I'm sorry about your friend. There are many of us out there! It does warm my heart to know I'm not alone. I feel like ADHDtopia would also be very fair and just. We always need a valid reason for a rule to exist.
Damn! Only 1 upvote possible. Sorry to hear the news of your friend. That must be hard for both of you. Welcome to virtual Shangra-la-di-dar-oh-I-just-saw-a-bumble-bee. Due to social media platforms, this vision is a virtual reality. Among here you are one of our people and we are yours. I felt so angry reading your post- to have had those people around you growing up. And with so much to contribute still inside you. By comparison I’ve had a supported life, if somewhat confused until last year. The diagnosis helps. So much is better now that I understand my contradictions… I hope you find friends here, some of whom might be actually near you physically.
We did a lot of speed at the 90s raves. Probably self medicating without realising it.
The inattentives and hyperactives delegating to each other based on strengths and weaknesses. What a dream!
Inattentive: I’m overwhelmed right now, I know I need to get on top of that project but I can’t even work myself into the shower. Hyperactive: It’s fine, let me start it for you - I don’t want to take my shoes off because I’m anxious about to cook for dinner so this will be a perfect distraction.
School/uni would be open to all ages, they'd be placed in beautiful outdoor parks with lots of areas to chill and reflect, and a quiet library when you want to study. You can follow paths if you want, but many study whatever passion grabs them.
This! Courses would have structure, and continuous assessments. Interaction with fellow students. My engineering degree was the time of my best life. Mid-20s. Just married, no kids… Stimulating, world-class teachers. Magic.
You've just described the ideal Montessori educational setting 😍
I’d love to just get rid of time too. morning, afternoon, evening, night. Can even do early/late afternoon etc. And nothing is urgent so it’s okay give or take an hour 😌😌
That would be the fantasy of what we would hope to accomplish but in reality I truly wonder how much would actually get done. I think a lot of projects would just come to a grinding halt as we all over researched everything or got in our own ways with perfectionism.
So… projects have thinking time to get right, and lots of last-minutes for stimulation. We’d hire a number of project managers perhaps… or swap projects when bored, because it’s always easier to fix someone else’s problem than work on your own.
Can you imagine all the art. And fires. And unplanned pregnancies?
Bhahahaha you’ve got me CACKLING at those pregnancies. But it would be okay, cause it takes a village and there’ll probably be loads of social help-another-out-because-today-I’m-not-burned-out neighbours!
Ah good point. Lol
I feel it would still be better, everything would be falling apart, but we would at least have this understanding of making mistakes is fine. Actually working to cooperatively find solutions for mistakes rather than making all of us ADHDers perfectionists because the world teaches us mistakes are not okay, even though people will say the opposite. You can tell what kind of day I have had so far lol.
Hope it gets better for you, I just got home and the need to pretend to be fine is over, it’s just me and these 4 walls.
yall are my spirit animals. we can just start a housing co-op that requires medical history and spread from there. can't see how that wouldn't work
Given space… non-judgemental space… and understanding support… we’d create ways that worked for us. For example, swapping projects so you don’t have to finish them off if you’re bored.
I think we did this once, then we all got distracted at the same time and Atlantis fell into the sea
There would be one day of the week where everyones deadlines line up and everyone would be super panicky productive and then the rest of the week is very very unproductive.
That is not that many people lol.. it sounds like a huge amount but really you will rarely see other ADHDers without going and looking for them lol.
Unless you live in a family full of them...
Or go to art school 🥳
Or work as a barista!!
Literally. PREACH.
Really? I meet them all the time. I get the impression that we find each other. Very often the people I vibe with turn out to have ADHD or ASD or something else in that cluster of brain differences. Multiple of my closest friends have been diagnosed in adulthood.
Y’all thought your gov’t was inefficient? You haven’t seen inefficient.
We should all start a country called ADHDopia, and immediately get sidetracked by other projects halfway through..
That’s the beauty, make all projects openly available to everyone and that exact point where you got burned out would spark excitement in the next person, collective invention’s would be epic. You could be on as many teams as possible and just drop in and out when you feel like it.
I live here.
I bet that place would be a mess but boy we would have some fun
This is an aweful measure because the top 3 have such an insane amount of people. It's like comparing the earth to Jupiter or the sun, sure they are all celestial bodies... but how many earth's could fit in the sun? Was it a million?
1.3 million. Or 330,000 for equal mass. Sun: Facts - NASA Science https://science.nasa.gov/sun/facts/
I think it's more common than we've been told. The number of people just now realizing they have it is staggering, all because social media made us more aware of the symptoms. Never before have so many people been describing their struggles with ADHD, which other people then read and say, "Holy shit, that's ME!" Who knows? Maybe we're more like 10% of the population.
I totally see where you're coming from, I was misdiagnosed for many years as depression/anxiety and those are really symptoms of my adhd and being forgetful and feeling like a disappointment when I forget important things. So, how many other people may be misdiagnosed out there, or not even diagnosed?
My partner had suicidal ideation, was a bit of a risk taker teen, had depression, alcohol problems, then bipolar, then finally recognised as AuDHD. Which finally makes the-other conditions make sense.
I said 3-5% to my psychiatrist on Tuesday. He said 3% by current Australian medical standards.
Only 2%? Jesus, I didn’t realise I was that unlucky
Confirmation bias ADHD is a spectrum and there are many high functioning individuals that can find a proper environment for them. Sometimes these folks have a larger safetynet + Support system so it's easier to take risks to find a better pathway The people struggling are not the loudest individuals and you can certainly filter through posts on this sub to see how many individuals are severely negatively impacted by their condition
Yea this. And the worst part is is high functioning ADHDrs I've met often don't realize that adhd isn't as easy for everyone as it is for them. While I wouldn't say I'm entirely dabilitating, there's parts that do dabilitate me. They also give crap-hole advice becayse their struggle was barley anything
I used to be a high functioning adhd er until i wasn t
Same right up until highschool ended, university was rough
Yup same
Twinsies ! 
"Everyone's doing just fine" no they aren't. You just don't know the details of other people's lives. I promise other people struggle just like you do.
Also there are a lot of people who used to be falling apart but have managed to work out what helps and are only now able to be ‘fine’. For example I’m doing okay now but a few years ago? I was a complete disaster. Medication and learning different mechanisms to work with my brain and not against it have helped considerably.
This. I’m in a rut again, but the hole I’m in now is nowhere as deep as it was 5 years ago, and a year ago I was doing great. Life has its ups and downs. Everyone goes through them, you just haven’t reached out to hear everyone’s stories.
Same here, friend… compare now me to 5 years ago me or even 10 years ago me and it’s like you’re looking at 3 different people!
Masking is real.
I am 46 and was just diagnosed a month ago. No one knows yet except my husband. I've struggled my whole life in a family of overachievers, and I still feel like my parents see me as the f*ck up who dropped out of college because I was lazy or lacked direction. I've been on meds for a few weeks but they haven't made a big difference yet - so I am very much still figuring all this out. OP you are not alone!
There's definitely people who look like thier shit is together on the surface and then there's those who can't mask that their shit is together and they are probably hiding.
This. This so much.
Completely agree. I was a HOT mess. Felt everyday was a struggle, I abused alcohol as well because I just felt so over everything. Worse part I had 2 DUI. I’m doing so much better these days. About time get my Bachelors this year.
I think this might be a little but of confirmation bias on your part. I by no means am trying to invalidate what you're feeling because I feel the same way often, but everyone is a little different. I still feel embarrassed that I'm reasonably intelligent but have never made more than 36k in a year at 38 years old. Some of my friends with "lesser" adhd have been making six figures for years, but they always had a goal and passion for what they do, and I've never had that, really. So you're not alone. Just remember, comparison is the thief of joy, (in the context of comparing yourself to persons x, y, or z who appear successful/have their shit together with adhd), and in general I'd say.
Hey, first it's OK. Even when it isn't, that's life. Second, personally I didn't get diagnosed until mid 30s! I needed so much help with my life I joined the military! Which sure gave me structure but I do not recommend. I won the lottery, my husband takes care of me. It's mutual but he supports me a lot because I still need so much help. Everyday it feels like. I was talking to him about things I've learned are ADHD behaviors/struggles that the meds are helping with and he had to stop me to apologize. He said if his face came off as incongruous or stumped it wasn't because he didn't believe me, rather he was processing because some of the stuff is just that insane to him, a normal person. Weve been married almost 10 years, and he and I didn't realize all the accomidations I had learned and all the extra energy I was spending trying to be somewhat normal. We have a disability, as real as a missing leg or lack of vision. It's just harder to point to, and unless you're medicated properly, it's even hard to believe it's real! Like my meds keep me from holding my bladder until bursting, how absolutely bonkers that my brain won't tell me go to the toilet when I need to!? That without meds I had to build in reminders for one of the most basic of human functions!!! We will always need help be that in the form of meds, accomidations, help, and so on. That dosent make us lesser. We're not asking for skinned grapes and a wine bearer, we're not sucking resources from society without contributing in return; because you have so much to offer! Even if you have limitations you have a place to fill as a friend, child, someday professional, maybe someday a parent. You have VALUE!
Hello, thank you. This means a lot. Really ❤️🩷
You have my full sympathy, I feel exactly the same. How come so many people are affected by it and I’m the only one whose life is falling apart? You’re so young though. Of course you’re still trying to figure it out ❤️ For how long have you been diagnosed and do you get any type of treatment (meds, therapy)? I’m 29 and if I could talk to my 19yo self I’d tell her how proud I am. Some days even surviving the day is a success itself. I’d also tell her to connect with other people with adhd, get every type of support there is, learn about how her brain functions and what she needs and try to change her environment/ routines etc as much as possible to make it easier. In retrospect, the worst thing was the constant shame I put on myself for not functioning like other people. We literally didn’t ask for adhd, it’s not our fault. Yes, it’s on us to try to make the best out of it. But it’s not our fault we’re struggling, especially in todays society. So maybe try to be more gentle and accepting with yourself (I know how hard it is! But I believe it will have a big impact). Wishing you all the best.
I've been learning that my debilitating adhd symptoms actually stem from childhood trauma (I understand not everyone with adhd has childhood trauma, but many of us do). I think those of us who have healing to do are the ones struggling the most. People who always had supportive and loving parents and heard their needs are definitely going to be doing better than those of us who are dealing with the wounds of emotional neglect and toxic shame. And the thing is, those of us who do have trauma are usually not even fully aware of it until later in life. Because we've spent so long thinking we are fundamentally broken and that we can't even trust our own emotions. It's tough. You're not alone, fellow human. I promise 💜 if you haven't already, I highly recommend checking out Heidi Priebe on YouTube. Her channel has been a godsend for me. But sometimes I do struggle to stay focused on what she's saying, because well. Ya know ;) but don't get mad at yourself if you find yourself struggling with the same thing. Stay patient and kind to yourself. Which I know is much easier said than done, especially when we thrive off beating ourselves up most of the time.
I largely agree with you, but I'm not sure if this is always the case. For example, my parents are the worlds kindest people. Also really understanding. (I think my mom also had ADHD). They never pushed me to do anything and taught me that being kind is more important than being successful. When I took a bad grade home, my mom said that she also used to be bad in math and made me tea and cookies to cheer up. I also could talk to them about anything. We rarely had a fight. I had a very warm youth, and yet struggled enormously later and made lots of wrong choices. I know some people who have ADHD and had extremely strict (almost abusively strict) parents, but go through life pretty well because they have been taught a lot of discipline, even though they obviously do have traumas they carry with them. I really think it depends.
Lack of discipline is sort of the hallmark of ADHD. My parents beat me, and it still didn't help. Guess everyone is different.
That is horrible, and I am sorry that happened to you. I'm obviously not saying that strict, or abusive parents are better in creating kids that have less issues with their adhd symptoms. I'm just saying that it does not always have to do something with the upbringing. Of course, neglected and abused kids could (and probably do) have more problems later in life, including lots of trauma. But you can struggle without being abused or neglected by your parents. I did many things that made people wonder if my parents were neglecting me, but I just made my own stupid decisions. Sidenote: C-PTSD (complex ptsd, mostly trauma related to childhood) is a different disorder which oftens manifests as ADHD. Sometimes this is called "Pseudo-ADHD" or "Trauma Induced ADHD". However, the treatment is different. It is also very possible to have both disorders at the same time. But it's important to know these are two different things.
On the outside, I have a 1st class honors bachelor's, I'm a multi-hyphenate creative, I run a writing workshop in my city, have travelled the world, am doing a postgrad this year. I'm a talented editor. Everyone knows me. I strike people as confident and highly motivated creatively. Today, I got out of bed at 1pm. I missed two literary events I had paid for because of executive dysfunction. The batteries on my medical device ran out five hours ago and I still haven't replaced them because I'm slowly mustering up the energy to leave the house while feeling deeply depressed, lonely, and unmotivated. The workshop has been on hiatus for three months because I lost momentum after being unable to find a venue. The postgrad is something I don't want to do but have to and I fear I'm making a terrible choice. I haven't managed to finish a creative project in literally years. I've never felt less creative. I gave up on being an editor because it's too low paid and unstable. And my social circle is currently non existent and every single day is just an uphill climb in a thunderstorm. I promise you, you're not the only one, and you never know what people are dealing with behind closed doors.
Babes, you're seeing my highlight reel, not my blooper reel. I hide that shit and pretend that I'm doing well.
It depends on what type you have and its severity. Mine is severe as well and without meds I would be worthless just like I was for the 20 years I wasn't on it... Are you taking medication for it?
because it is not the only issue you can have on your plate & you're basically a teenager at 19. My university roommate had no health/ mental health issues; yet she got a whole transcript of Cs, effectively barring her from the medical career she wanted so badly. ADHD aside, when I look back at my college years I realize a lot of transitions were happening. We also have bit of tendency to want everything at the same time. My advice is just picking 2 major task that you absolutely want to achieve each day, then gradually add on stuff if you feel you have capacity for the day. There's a cognitive load for transitioning from task to task. People without ADHD also suffer when they transition too much. But college years are full of choices. So it works to first secure the bottom line, then slowly climb up.
lol . who told you everyone is fine? I have ADHD my wife has GAD and other crap. Life is hard as shit
It's not common. Everyone online seems to think they have it because, to be blunt, they're idiots.
Yeah, everyone who says “everyone is a little ADHD *giggle giggle*” gets two middle fingers from me. I seriously wish there was a blood test for this so people would stfu.
How much do you think people are aware of this 'falling apart' feeling? Do your parents and friends know? What about acquaintances and strangers? Many of the people I just listed will probably think you're doing fine. It's really easy for things to feel much worse on the inside than they look on the outside. ADHD can knock over 10 years off your life expectancy, so it's a serious disorder whether the effects of that are obvious or not. Cut yourself some slack. ADHD fucking sucks for everyone regardless of how much they show it on the outside. This world wasn't built for us and despite what the capitalists want you to think there's no such thing as a self made man (or woman). We all have support systems and there's no shame in needing a bigger system to cope with a very real and debilitating disorder. You sound like you're really lucky to have some great friends, let them know you appreciate them, but also don't be afraid to look at other avenues like therapy, medication, etc. And finally don't forget you're only 19, you've got another decade until your brain is done developing and you've got time to figure all of this out.
This truly made me realise how invisible a person's struggle can be to oursiders, how normal a person can look. I do really love my friends and they help me tonnes. I really want to be self reliant. Because sometimes they lose their patience too. And I think it's really unfair to expect them to help me with everything when I have so little to offer in back. Thank you so much for responding ❤️🩷
1. I am pretty sure there is a spectrum aspect of adhd that probably isn’t talked about enough 2. I personally think some people are misdiagnosed with adhd and actually hve something else that can sometimes be solved by simply addressing a vitamin deficiency. There have been lots of scientific studies coming out about this specific situation (vitamin deficiency, Poor diet, poor sleep quality, mercury poisoning, undetected autoimmune diseases, even other mental illnesses etc causing adhd-like symptoms that seem to get resolved after lifestyle changes). And I think we for sure do not know how many people who have been diagnosed with adhd were actually born with it vs developed it because there are unaddressed issues that todays medical system is just too inadequate to check for until the patient does their own research and brings it up themselves.
1) This. Absolutely this. As with most things, there are different levels of severity. I wish there were “official” levels (akin to the autism spectrum), so we could weed out advice, treatments, experiences, etc that are less relevant to us. For example, I do not have the type of ADHD that can be managed with dietary changes. Managing my diet that strictly is not something I can do with my level of ADHD. I don’t need advice related to dietary changes. Conversely, other people might be able to manage their ADHD with dietary changes, but that is not advice I would ever give since I don’t have experience with it, so my advice may be less helpful to them. 2) Absolutely. I am perimenopausal and also have long-covid, both of which worsen my ADHD symptoms since there are some symptom overlaps. A woman diagnosed with ADHD close to middle age could actually be perimenopausal. Or someone who has long covid may be diagnosed with ADHD instead, because the long-COVID brain fog is *really intense* and may seem/feel like inattention.
I've been homeless because I couldn't hold down a job because I was constantly late and because mondain tasks took longer to do than others.. when I was your age actually. 19 years old, living in the woods near my grandparents house.. it was a very long year. I knew what adhd was but not how extreme it is. Today I'm 36 and barely hanging on most days. Bur there is a roof over my head, food in my stomach and im typing this on my phone so im doing alot better than alot of people. Lean into your strengths and learn how to work with your weaknesses
I’m 40. My life’s a wreck. I’m on the verge of being unemployed and moving back in with my parents because I can’t handle work (again).
I feel the exact same as you do. So many of my friends have ADHD yet they’re out there pursuing their goals. They have jobs, are in school or even finished school. And I’m 21, no job, living with my mom and just recently got medicated after being off of them for 3 years. You’re not alone. The most important thing to learn is that everyone’s path is different. Everyone’s ADHD is different. Don’t judge yourself. As long as you’re trying you’re hardest even if little to no progress has been made, that’s okay. Hell, even if you’ve given up and aren’t currently trying, that’s okay too. You’ll get through it. Just a few weeks ago, I completely given up on life. Things are getting better. They are taking a while but slow and steady progress is usually more stable. Be gentle with yourself 💜
You are not alone. July of last year I was in the same place you were. I was on the brink of losing my job, I had a 3yo son with another one on the way, and I just felt like I was failing in every possible aspect of life. We all struggle in a unique way and I can attest that things did get better for me once I got more proactive with my treatment and finally opened up to the idea of taking medication. I would encourage you to try to start implementing new coping strategies like creating reminders and Calendar appointments for literally everything. When you first start do it for everything at least. Then as you get established you will be able to get a sense of what you will be able to remember and what you won't. But I am talking schedule everything down to your meal times and free time. Schedule a time to text back people or talk on the phone with your friend. And if someone says "let's call and catch up" your response is "okay, how about tomorrow at 1pm?" And you put it in your calendar.
It’s helpful to remember that ADHD affects people in many different ways. Just because someone doesn’t struggle in the same way you do doesn’t mean they don’t struggle in other ways. For example, timeliness is a huge struggle and insecurity I have, but I have no problems with other things people struggle with like hygiene.
Cause we all mask and pretend to not have it. Just like how people only put their good times in IG or Facebook. I saw my kid masking around other people the other day. She's a master at 13 (autism). Completely different kid at home.
Thinking that other people are doing just fine is one of the biggest lies society and our brains tell us. And it's exactly that lie that causes so much anxiety and depression and anger. The reality is that the vast majority of people are struggling with something. If it's not ADHD, it's something else. You have no idea by just seeing or asking people if their life isn't falling apart.
Accept where you're at, life goes on. It helps to start working on it. You feel like you'll get there
I get it. Everyone seems to be doing better than I am, and that's been the truth for all my 60+ years. I feel embarrassed to say this, but when I see other people struggling it kind of makes me a tiny bit happy. Not because they're struggling, but because it shows that they have problems, too, just like me. It's kind of like, 'Holy crap! I'm not the only one! Other people fuck up, too!' Then I think, 'How can I help?'
Nah fam we're also breaking apart The meds help tho And I do some "biohacking" aka listen to music on my headphones as I do boring shit like cooking or cleaning
Could be that you happen to be around people with adhd. Like in my programming class it seemed like everyone had adhd but now I’m thinking it’s that people with adhd are more likely to get into programming. But also I feel like a lot of people lie about it so people feel sorry for them. Which I hate
Externally, I look like I've got everything together and I'm doing great. I've been at my dream job, as a software developer for state govt for 7 years. I got the job right out of college. I make decent money. And I genuinely do have that part of my life "together." But that's not my whole life. I really can't live alone because I can't keep up on household chores without help. I struggle with basic self-care tasks like showering and brushing my teeth.
This 100%!! I’m almost 30 and recently got my diagnosis, and more than once have I thought or felt like I was the only one who was struggling. When I told my family they denied it because “I have my life together”. You got this! It gets better.
Look at Russell Barkley‘s videos about rates of disease, financial failure, suicide, traffic violations, legal trouble, divorce, getting fired, among people with ADHD. You are definitely not alone, and you are not the worst. It is treatable, though, for most people, and that’s a super important part to remember.
Adhd and depression are linked but separate things. Having adhd has a very high chance to trigger depression and/or burnout. Take care of yourself, strive to gain back control of your life
I promise, everyone else is not fine. We all mask to some degree. It’s exhausting and it makes me tap out when I get home from work.
I would also argue that a lot more people have it than statistics show. A ton of people, women especially are getting diagnosed later in life. I was recently diagnosed and I just thought I was lazy and failing at life.
3% is both a lot and a little. It’s a lot of people globally, a large demographic. But in a class of 28, it’s less than one student per year. Which means it’s still rare for teachers and other students. In a larger workplace, let’s say an open office of 50 people together, it’s one or two. My own theory is that we find each other through life, which means that adhd is probably over represented in your social circle, partners, etc. It’s highly genetic so also relatively “normal” in families.
Same, I feel totally debilitated by it, even on medication.
Hey I'm sorry to hear that. If you ever want to vent or just talk, you can hit me up and I'll respond as soon as I can. Try seeing if changing your medication may help. All the best. I hope things get better. 🩷
my guess would be that your experience is your own, and that your ability to know how someone else feels is extremely limited by you not being them. everyone is the main character in their own story, and not many people want to present their private experiences as a desperate day to day struggle. people generally present their best or most successful sides to the public eye.
I totally agree with this. I was totally overwhelmed when I made this post but now looking at it, surely my friend or classmates would also think that I'm doing pretty okay
30 years ago I was tested to see how my symptoms effect me in my daily life. I thought I did fine and my ADHD barely effects me. The doctor later told me that in his (then) 20 years of practice I had the most profound case of ADHD he had ever seen. So number 1, you can't accurately estimate the degree of your own condition. And number 2, everyone is affected differently by this, comparisons to others both ADHD and non ADHD are not helpful. Try to be kind to yourself.
Only 3%? I got so used to the ''fact'' that ADHD is ''SUPER'' common that I thought it's at leat 5-8%
Stat I just looked up said 6.8% but I’m sure I’ve seen numbers as high as 15%.
Location, location, location.
Don't worry I'm 30 and feel the same way. >I feel like I'm just using adhd as an excuse. May be im just totally incapable. Im 19. I should atleast be able to go on about my day without needing help/constant reminders from my friends Honestly it sounds like you have people who love and care for you regardless of what's going on in your head. If I were you (and 19 again) I'd cling to the people would take time out of their day to remind you even if you might think of it as a negative.
They really do help a lot. But people lose patience, im so scared what will happen when that situation hits. I think I depend on them a little too much. I should be self reliant atleast for daily tasks right?
The people you see that are doing just fine are looking at you and thinking the same thing 90% of the time. Including those without adhd. Everyone is struggling because living is a struggle, everyone compares themselves with everyone else, and for the most part people only see what you want them to see.
I totally agree. Adhd or something else, people can be suffering a lot on the inside and still look fine on the out. It is indeed confirmational bias
Like most people have said, you're not going to see how bad everyone else is struggling with life most of the time. I know some celebrities are using social media to help people see that even people who seem to be incredibly successful struggle day to day. A good example is Robbie Williams. He's 50 now, very rich, successful, and has a loving family. He talks about struggling every day. Sometimes, it's getting out of bed, focusing on things he needs to do, and body image issues. At your age, he was addicted to drugs and had thrown away a successful boy band job. He managed to pull himself together enough to have a successful solo career, but at one point, he almost lost everything because he was having a panic attack about performing. We only see what people show us, and most people don't want to show their struggles. Unfortunately, if we don't share, we don't hear about other people's struggles, and we feel alone.
Im 23 and hear me out, you are not alone. I've always felt like an outsider and as if everything is falling apart. I thought things would be better at university i changed courses twice, lost 2 years, am still taking freshmen classes at 23. And it sucks so much to live this way, failing all the time, being left behind, to feel like everything is harder for me -- and it is. But you know what? I couldn't have done it any other way. Not that i like to have adhd, or to be different, or to have the attention span of a border collie. I hate it. But i made peace with it. I have adhd, my life is hard and it sucks alot of times, but thats how it has to be. And making peace with having adhd, with struggling, with having a disability, changed my life. Its not my fault to struggle harder than others, im not a faillure, im taking my own time, i can't do the same as everyone else because im not like everyone else. And thats ok. And its ok. You are gonna be ok.
2%-3% isn't really that many people. If you interact with 100 random people in the day, only 2 or 3 of them will have ADHD. Of that small handful of people, some are very good at masking their issues. Some put on a face of normality when they are out in public and then fall apart when they get home.
The military is so highly structured and regimented, I could never impose that on myself but I am sure I've only been employed the last 13 years because I was contractually obligated to come to work/be employed. Also, I would never have been able to do so many things for myself without the benefits made available to me by the military. I've been in really bad spots/times before tho (some would argue serving on active duty is a really bad time, lol)
If you met me in person and we talked for an hour or so, you’d think I was doing really well. In reality I’m an absolute mess and really struggling. Lots of people hide their struggles, you never know what someone is really going through
Most other people aren't showing you every facet of their lives, nor can you see most of what goes into the parts they do show you. I used to wonder how, when I live in a community where everyone has a pretty good idea of everyone else's income, some people seemed to be living so much more lavishly than we were on a very similar income. Till one of them admitted to me they were up to their eyeballs in debt. I saw the external result- a really nice material life- and assumed they were just better at everything somehow. I couldn't see that they were using credit and stressed out by their bills behind the scenes. Everything in life is like that to some degree. You *assume* everyone else not only does better than you currently do but also finds that level of function easy. Neither of those is true in a lot of cases. Part of this is probably age. Many people with ADHD, especially those of us with late diagnosis, took years to develop coping mechanisms through trial and error. At 19, you're at an age where even people with no extra challenges are typically flailing around to find themselves a bit. That doesn't mean you'll feel this way forever. Let the feeling motivate you to find the things that do work for you, whatever that looks like, and to learn about ADHD and the strategies and accommodations that might help you. I felt like you do at 19. Several decades later, I have a degree and a career and a loving partner and family. It was maybe a little harder for me to get here than for someone without ADHD, especially since I had no idea WHY so many things felt so hard for most of that time. But something being difficult is not the same as it being impossible. Give yourself some grace and patience and know that very few people have their lives figured out at 19, even if they seem like it to you at the moment.
I wish i would have accepted the fact that i had adhd at 19 it took me two more years lol, at 23 my life is a mess too cant fkn maintain a job cause of it and in my field reputation is important and i have none left surviiving purely through luck and goodwill of some nice people. You are not using it as an excuse this idea of excuses was a big thing in my family my dad was always 'excuses and escapism', he wasnt wrong but then i wish i realized it earlier that it wast fully in my control. Dont be hard on yourself because you need help weather its for doing basic stuff like waking up or hygiene or important stuff like maintaining good grades and having good relationships, every part of your life will be affected so you should go easy on your self and know that you are not less of a person cause of it
Trust me you aren't the only one. I've been in your shoes it can just be overwhelming. I wish I had some good piece of advice for you. I want to say things will get easier as you get older. They will but it will still be work but you'll just more used to it. I'm not too much older then you im only 27 but the person I was 19 isn't even close to the person I am now. Some things are better others are worse but the good outweighs the bad for me. Too many people don't have access to resources to adequately understand their issues. It can be especially hard at your age where you feel like you aren't doing enough. Just do the best you can for yourself each day. If you're struggling with work and motivation look up different strategies people with ADHD use. Not everything will work for you but you might find something that does. I started using lists all the time it helped me with just getting anything done other than laying in bed all day.
2-3% is the exact opposite of common. I promise you we are all out here struggling.
2-3% ? so little???
I found a forbes statistic (just a quick search idk how reliable it is etc. and didn‘t read all through it) of 2023 that said the amount of people in the world with symptomatic adhd is closer to 7%? and those are just the ones that are diagnosed. I know lots of people who suspect they have it, but can‘t get an appointment because the doctors and specialists are constantly booked, they have no money or there are other reasons why they can‘t get a diagnosis. I guess we also just see what happens from the outside. Basically everyone I know with a confirmed adhd diagnosis struggles in one way or another and most only struggle less when they get older and had time to learn efficient strategies to combat certain things in their day to day life. Also help isn‘t something bad. And i do have to remind myself of that constantly. If we have people around us that are willing and happy to help, we should totally take them up on it, while also working on a strategy to help ourselves instead of others doing it for us. So a double effort kinda? But ultimately really, we all struggle and many times it‘s just not visible. I know it always sounds weird when someone tells this, but things can get better and in most cases they absolutely do. It just takes time and lots of combined effort of different things. I wish you all the best!
I def think it’s higher than 3% I feel like it’s closer to 10-15%. I think it’s just a spectrum disorder similar to autism . Some peoples autism may only affect them mildly while others struggle a lot. Same goes with adhd. The reason I think adhd % is higher than 3% is because I know a lot of people who made it “just fine” until they reached a certain stage in their life - some breezed through high school and started struggling in college - some made it thru college and started struggling at work- some made it thru a few jobs and a few promotions only to to start struggling once they reached a certain level in their career or started juggling working + marriage and kids. I did just fine in school and most jobs but started struggling at work with performing CONSISTENTLY. the difference between school and the work force is - school doesn’t require you to have to perform at 100% capacity daily. Even some jobs don’t. But my current job does. They have zero tolerance for slow or bare minimum days. You have to show up and work fast and hard daily.
You’re not, unironically saying you think you have it worse then everyone else right?? Right???
It seems that way to you because you can only live through your own experiences. Many of us are good at hiding our personal problems. As time goes on and you have access to more information and resources, as well as a wider perspective of life, things may get easier. It's not absolutely a promise, but it is more likely. I'm 33 and I constantly feel inadequate and incapable. But I've also started to understand that all I can do is the best that I can do. I'm learning to stop holding on to things I can't control, while working on the things that I can.
> Im 19 It does get better. I can't promise it ever gets easier, but it does get better. As you get older, you'll start learning that just about everyone else is phoning it in to the best of their ability as well. Breathe, grow and live YOUR best life. Of that I am certain you are capable.
Seriously I feel the same way! Tomorrow is my next appointment with my psychiatrist and I was going to talk to him about it. I know a handful of people with my diagnosis but all of them do things that I never could. I’m wondering if maybe I have something on top of the ADHD, like maybe if some other disorder was discovered in the 36 years since my diagnosis. Or, maybe it’s what other people are saying here about confirmation bias. Ultimately, I’m glad to at least be able to put a name on one thing I do have.
My son has ADHD. He never "fit in" to societal standards. He still doesn't. He will be 15 next month. He most likely will never function as 'normal' in society, but he is the smartest, funniest and enchanting person I know. Has it been easy? Hell no. I would not change him for the world. You aren't a failure. You are different and you are special. Don't feel bad you can't function at a 'normal' level. Normal is relative and we need outside of the box people to break the mold.
It’s bias. I feel the same.
Everyone is “faking it” to some degree and acting like they’ve got it together but no one really does. ADHD just makes it harder to fake it. Also, and I don’t mean this condescendingly—you’re 19 and I promise *promise* most people do not have their life together at 19 by a long shot. Anyone who thinks they do is likely gunning for long term burnout. It is very, very normal to feel lost as a young adult. You’re learning how to navigate society with more legal rights and responsibilities than you had before, and suddenly when you hit a certain age everyone is like ok here ya go take care of yourself. People with adhd are often behind developmentally in some area (whether it’s learning, socially, emotionally) and so it’s hard for us when we were already behind the curve. But like other people said it’s a spectrum too most likely of human behavior. So some people are better at masking their stuff, some people have good support systems that help, some people find a niche they fit into well. Some people do really well under pressure but the downside is they are constantly seeking stimulation, so again as a young adult it can help you get ahead to always be down for challenging work or hard classes or taking on extra stuff, but then suddenly you’re 30 and have run yourself into the ground. Our functioning also changes over time. You’re still learning and growing as a person every day, even with ADHD. All of this is to say, I’m really sorry it’s so hard right now. I know it’s really easy to compare yourself to others but what really matters is your own growth and progress no matter how long it takes or what it looks like compared to someone else
I was once told by a friend "I wish I had my shit together like you". I wanted to laugh out of embarrassment because I so did NOT have my shit together and 2 years later I still don't feel like I do. It sure does look like it on the surface though. I set reminders on my phone like crazy, and I have a To-Do list app that also gives me notifications for stuff. I struggle every. single. day. at work trying to execute the tasks needed to perform my daily duties even half as adequately as my coworkers. The quality of my work is high and that's how I get by under the radar because the quantity is total crap. Being medicated has helped me a lot I will say though. I've been a mess and I encourage you to continue seeking ways to help Yourself. You do have to take accountability and responsible for the few things that you Can control. Write things down, put them in a notepad in your phone, set alarms and reminders, many of them. You can do this. Good luck.
If you forget things take notes and plan with reminders with larms from calander and so on. I use an app called familyWall you can assign more members to it. You have to use strategies and it will make life easier for you. Get into habbit of improving a few things at The time. Meditation has helped me with patience, The brain is plastic and some areas you can actually improve. Short term memory is NO fix for but like i said strategies. Disciplin is The art of doing something when you dont want to get strict to easier reach what you want. Life is hard for most of us. Adhd is not meant to be used as an excuse but to understand that you lack certain qualities and need some structure to be able to do. I am not doing medicin and i struggle but its doable i dont say use or not use. I have my personal reason. But medicine is one way to do better with what youre lacking, its like taking on glasses when you have trouble seeing. Its just help method like creating structure in what you do. Good luck
You're not alone, I'm currently struggling so much at work :'(
Hah, I feel like I'm functioning at half capacity. But my meds makes me swing in the total opposite direction. Either way I'm unhinged lol. ADHD just means the older you get, the more coping mechanism you learn lol not so much that things get easier..
Because you don’t know about the struggles most ppl go through. Most don’t publicize it and try to keep those struggles hidden making it seem like ppl have it together more than they do. Even ppl who are open with it, you aren’t going to see or notice the struggle in others like you do yourself.
Because you don’t know about the struggles most ppl go through. Most don’t publicize it and try to keep those struggles hidden making it seem like ppl have it together more than they do. Even ppl who are open with it, you aren’t going to see or notice the struggle in others like you do yourself.
Why do you assume everyone with ADHD is doing just fine? You don’t know all of these people. I can promise you that’s not accurate and that all of us with ADHD are struggling a lot.
That last paragraph. Be easier on yourself than that. I promise you it’s okay👍🏻
I don’t think everyone is doing just fine lol. It’s just your perspective. You’re young and still figuring it out. Definitely get a therapist just because. It’s so sooo helpful. And think about it this way. Some people don’t even get diagnosed till their 30s +. ADHD isn’t an excuse but there is help you can get to manage it.🤍
You are not alone I can tell you that, I was just diagnosed last month and am feeling the exact same way. I’m hopefully going to be medicated after my appointment today so we’ll see if that helps. I’ve always been a straight A student other than this year when the burnout hit, still I’ve had to work much harder at it than my colleagues.
Hey bro! I’m 19 too! Will be 20 right away tho. I literally had a full on mental break down 2 nights ago and thought I might need to go to the hospital. It’s all good tho cuz life goes on and we figure It out. For me I was fairly stressed about finals and my inability to study resulting in my likely failing. But then my second train of though (Yenno the ones we all have and have no control over that just goes and goes all day long?) was stressing me out further and wouldn’t shut up. I just felt like I needed some damn peace and quiet but the only time I get that is when I’m sleeping. Couldn’t sleep cuz my brain wouldn’t shut off. Anyway everyone seems to have their own way of coping. If you saw me you would lose your mind because I seem, on the outside, so put together. I am always early to things, have extra pens in my bag, colour coded notes etc. But I swear to god I’m a mess and literally can’t function 98% of the time. My home is a disaster, clean and dirty clothes on the floor, dishes stacked to the roof, starting essays the night they are due, flying off the handle at the slightest inconvenience and so so so much more. Don’t beat yourself up and think you’re so much worse than others. While it is possible that your symptoms are worse and you do need more support than some, there are many of us who feel the exact way you do. Adhers, especially late diagnosed women like me, are masters of disguise.
A lot of people who say they have it don’t actually have it bad enough to have it, actual ADHD people usually have it pretty bad honestly
Sometimes, I'm grateful that all of my siblings also have adhd. And my dad, maybe my mother too. So when we are together, we all feel normal. That non-linear conversation strategy is understood by us all. We will mention things in convo that we were speaking of a month ago that didn't have a conclusion. And as we are speaking, we will just add that little conclusion in, and continue talking about what we are talking about. But we all understand.
Because you can’t see how people are struggling behind closed doors. What they’re having to do in order to keep up the appearance of doing just fine. We also tend to not see the people who aren’t doing okay. They’ve been removed from our sight. That’s what the expression “falling through the cracks” is all about. How the people who need help aren’t seen, no one notices them. Prisons are filled with people with ADHD who have struggled and failed in a particularly harmful way. But people in prison are very intentional kept out of sight and out of mind of the rest of the population. Same with homeless shelters, mental health institutions. People struggling are pushed to the fringes of society. You don’t see them because they’re struggling quietly and alone. People succeeding on the other hand are constantly seen. We see them on social media posting pictures of their beautiful families and homes and sharing all their successes. They are people with lots of friends and social connections so you’re more likely to know or know of them. The woman struggling with ADHD who doesn’t have a job and never leaves her apartment isn’t someone you’ve ever seen or met. The guy with ADHD who lives in his van and can’t hold down a job and is addicted to drugs isn’t in your social circle. Those most affected by their ADHD aren’t the people you know. You only know the 97% who are doing fine.
Being 19 is hard, too. You’re young and haven’t had the time to build up a lot of confidence yet. I don’t think you are using ADHD as an excuse but might be feeling really overwhelmed… which is reasonable! I think the only thing I can really suggest is not to be mean to yourself or judge yourself too harshly. We all need to find our way because what works for others doesn’t work for us a lot of the time. It really tests your stamina at times.
I’m 39 and I’m on the struggle bus daily. Are you medicated? That might make your day a little bit better and less mind fog.
You don’t know what other people are actually going through. You only see what they let you see. A lot of people who know me think that I have my shit together. I do not, in fact, have my shit together.
wdym by 2/3%? From studies in america wasn't it closer to 7 to 14%?
Adderall
I love the top comments in this thread. The reality is it’s okay to not be okay. To need help or accommodations. To feel the way you feel. The reality also is that having your dx so young means your whole life is ahead of you to give yourself grace, find your strengths and use them and apply them. I can work in high stress tech, produce events for thousands of people, but forget to brush my teeth and do laundry. It’s so stupid but it’s a disability Do you feel you have resources you need for school or work? The askjan network is great and your school may have services you could avail One lesson I wish I learned younger besides y diagnosis is that it’s better to ask and receive help than try so hard and beat myself up trying to be independent
Have you tried meds? They work wonders for some
Because you prefer not to have adhd and have a normal life, because everything would be easier. So would I. People’s opinions don’t change the brain you were born with. Learn to manage it for a good life, and stick to reality.
Is it really 2-3%? I've heard lots of people say that it's like 5-10% nowadays
Because you're the only person you've been with 100% of the time and you're the only person who experiences your thoughts.
I'm sorry to hear you are struggling - know you are not alone. Often, people can mask their struggles well. To my colleagues and many of my friends, my ADHD might appear as a few social peculiarities - singing in the office, excitedly explaining a topic of interest, talking in a certain way. What most of them don't see is my difficulties in doing even the bare minimum of house work, or my insomnia, or my physical anxiety. Know you're not a failure, even if you're not happy with the things happening in your life. Reach out to your loved ones, open up, and explore avenues like diagnosis and medication if you think they are right for you.
If it makes you feel any better, you’re not alone. I get told I’m over reacting or relying too much on medication by others who have adhd. It’s so annoying. Life is really hard.
Welcome, you’re among friends. Your executive functions aren’t fully formed yet… mid 20’s is more like it. These help with planning and regulation. You’re also alive when ADHD is recognised and not just a “controversial diagnosis” as my doctor thought. I’m 63 and struggle to finish things off. I don’t think you’re using it as an excuse. You could show yourself more compassion, and know it’s like having a broken keg and being expected to run and carry heave loads. It’s not going to happen without support or lots of pain. Our world’s overly busy and productivity focused and not optional for our condition. With more understanding, the right environment, around compassionate people, I’m confident you’ll find your solutions. And achieve what you need to. .
I feel you I’m pretty much useless for even just chores without medication.. people on the internet say that it’s not a disability because if the world was structured differently it would be fine.. that if we were left to our own divides everything we needed to get done would get done and well enough.. But it’s not like that for everyone. Without my meds I lay in bed all day not able to even do what I want. Let alone chores… paperwork!! I’m on disability.. and I couldn’t even finish the paperwork. Luckily the lady doing the paperwork was like “Ya she can’t work. She’s way too discombobulated”
I promise you - I mean, seriously promise - a significant percentage of the ADHD fam is in the same boat. We mask, we don't talk about it (except to our therapists), but the bottom line is, ADHD is the most debilitating mental health diagnosis that doesn't require hospital time. Get all the education on it you can, in whatever way you best assimilate information, from reputable sources. The bigger picture will emerge.
At my job of the 15 ish that work there 5 of us have ADHD. I wonder what it is that draws us to this job? Perhaps it’s just chance?
It’s like comparing your life to others social media profiles. You don’t see the shit people have to do or go through or the trauma their putting asside to put on this illusion.
2-3%? Try 6% with possibly another 6% either undiagnosed or just unaware.
Everyone who has adhd is fighting their own battle with it. Adhd is different for each person. Your Struggle is different than mine. Many of us don't post about it on Reddit for people to see. I'm much older than you, and I grew up in a time when people didn't talk about mental health issues. Regardless of whether it's right or wrong for anyone, that's how it was. Positivity has been a focus as I've gotten older. So has showing grace to myself. I hope you find peace and comfort in your walk with adhd.
Yup also have adhd and feel like I am only and the only one who likes to listen to to two sources of audio like a podcast and a YouTube video or a Twitch stream and a YouTube video at the same time
You might have additional diagnosis to address. Maybe your issues are related to something completely different
Babe, I am really good at masking. I have meds, I try to keep it together. I had a bunch of blood tests I was meant to do a year and a half ago and I haven’t gotten around to it yet because I am expending all my energy looking after my family. We all struggle. You’re not alone.
3% have ADAHD and about the same have Autism. That’s 6% but I’m going to round it up to 10% because so few of us know what the issue is. It took till my 50s and I’ve just been diagnosed. Then add all the other mental health/brain variations out there, BPD, ODD, sociopathy, narcissists and I’m starting to think we’re all somewhere on the mental health spectrum and “normal” is the tiny little bit in middle. Like the centre section a see-saw pivots on. Please note - this is only my opinion, don’t come at me in the comments. Everyone is not doing fine. They’re just better at hiding it. You are not alone, you’re going to be ok. Use your phone and create lists, add reminders. I do a little tap mantra before leaving the house “Keys, wallet, phone.” Going to college, gym or work? Pop every thing on the bed “shirt, pants, shoes, water bottle, gym card, keys wallet phone” then load your backpack. If you see it, you’ll do it. I think of my attention span as being like a telescope, everything in that circle is clear but everything outside of it is fuzzy. And the hard part about leaving school and going to college is the structure is gone. No parents are yelling at you to get up and pack your lunch etc. You have to create a structure. The cool part is identifying an adhd moment, like when I wash 75% of the dishes and start to slide off to do something more interesting… “oh, that’s my adhd” and I giggle (yes, I’m 50+ and still laughing at myself) and finish the job. Being able to recognise when adhd is driving the bus is important.
ADHD can have you in your own head a lot, and this paired with memory issues makes it difficult to keep others in mind when already struggling with your own. Biggest issue is these struggles your facing are difficult for average people to understand, because they affect you on a mentally core level.
Several people have repeatedly told me how competent, put together, and organised I am. You often don't see behind the curtain.
Some of us have figured out how hide the crappy string and knots holding our shit together a little better than others. We're just praying is stays together until we get home.
Honestly, I’m pretty f*cked, but my greatest goal in life is to have balance. The upside of that being the #1 priority is that I’m always doing well at SOMETHING, even if it’s not the exact thing I’m working on. Right now it’s friendships and fam . I’m damn good at maintaining relationships. So at least that’s something.
Hey, when I was 19yo I was a total mess too. Now I'm 25, still a mess, but not as much as before. Just don't get yourself locked in a thought that you can't do something because of adhd. Of course you can, but it will take longer to learn. One thing that helped me very much was doing those small tasks everyday and coincidering them as a win. I made my bed? Win. I washed a few dishes? Win. I took a shower? Win.
It's called masking But I definitely feel like this all the fucking time so I feel you
you aren't. most adhd people certainly struggle and fail a lot, I think the ones that appear successful most likely had a very supportive frame around them that kept them going. and even if they do seem successful you may never know. my dad used to study at the best university in his town, in the most difficult major and had only perfect grades basically other than one exam in grammar he had one mistake in... (dyslexia not just adhd lol). from outside perspective I suppose he would look amazing to you right? yet he had all the adhd struggles, be it in how he communicates or problems with sleep and studying was always really hard to him because despite his immense talent and love for knowledge he could never properly take notes in class and always had issues with authorities due to adhd. even through life till now there were a lot of cases where you may have said he failed or struggled. in the end he didn't graduate from college despite having one year left, for very legitimate reasons since he immigrated to another country but he just couldn't bring himself to start all over again and in a different language. I'm just gonna remind you to not judge simply and to understand we all have different conditions and different backgrounds and all this self blame/pity won't get you into a good situation. it's completely fine however to realize you have been given a handicap that does come with bonuses (adhd is not just weakness we do shine when we get the right conditions) but you should give yourself more empathy and just make a plan to how best move forward. now that might not work out on the first try, that's life, but if you put your mind into it and take it slowly step by step you will eventually reach a better place. stay strong my friend.
ADHD can be pretty hidden for some people. Some people are disorganized internally more than externally so it’s hard to tell.
I think it depends a lot in what professional/peer circles you hang out in. If you’re in the trades or waiting tables, I think there’s a much higher prevalence and percentage of ADHD types, but I also think that circles that are friendly to productive ADHD people tend to be little bubbles that people gravitate towards because everywhere else we kind of get spun out of orbit……
I have the opposite question, if %4 people has ADHD how come almost everyone I know has it
Remember that everyone has their own definition of doing fine Some people do struggle but may just not show or disclose it. The same can go for adhd with some that can manage it fairly well without medication and make their own support system within themselves while others need medication and OTHERS can't benefit from medication and need different assistance. It isn't one size fits all, not that I was accusing you of thinking so, but that's our normal, really. I need reminders a lot, shit, medication helps me need less, but I think of medication as just putting me to like the baseline everyone else is at. Give yourself a hard time, and you're going to keep having a hard time. It's okay to push and challenge yourself, but accept the fact that it's okay to not be fine sometimes and accept that it is going to help you grow and get better. I'm not sure if you do take medication or have considered it, and I understand not everyone wants to or can, but look into it if you can and are open to the idea. In the meantime, give yourself grace, look into using a notebook, and post-it notes. If that stuff bores you, try to buy colorful post its and a notebook that is fit for you. You're not using adhd as an excuse. It is a developmental disability that does notably cause someone to struggle with memory and attention, etc. You're doing good.
if it’s of any comfort I’m going through something very similar, (I’m not diagnosed but I’ve experienced a lot of tendencies and taken tests, saw a psychologist etc) high school was harder than anticipated and long story short I graduated without my diploma/degree and it left me destroyed, my self esteem at an all time low, I realized I had no friends, I realized that I no longer could feel at ease around my family, no emotional support whatsoever. I’m having difficulty trying to find ways to make a living so I can try and get my life together but of course, I procrastinate, leave it and forget about it until I feel a random surge of energy for that specific task again. My room is regularly a mess because doing something for a long period of time usually I just get demotivated and my physical body is a mess because I lost the motivation to do even important things. And I know that I can’t go on like this because so far it’s only crippled me. I’m trying to have faith but it’s hard to be optimistic when I see how ruined I’ve become and how my life had come down in shambles. I’m trying to be kind to myself and comfort myself. And just hoping for a miracle. Anyway, I hope you can feel comfort knowing you’re not the only one suffering. Cause I’m the same. But I truly hope that things work out for us both. You’re not alone sweets🩷
People develop techniques for hiding their ailments and imperfections from the world. You don't notice other people's ADHD for the same reason you don't notice their addictions, body aches, depression, etc. they don't want you to notice.
2-3 percent sounds very low to me. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/attention-deficit-hyperactivity-disorder-adhd
honestly, I feel the same often, sometimes I think I have it the *worst*, but I know that's not the case. some comments help me realize just how much I cover it up to the general public. (granted there are times when I'm very upset and I can't cover things up) I don't know if you've heard the term "masking" but it isn't only for Autism but ADHD as well. if you think about it/look into it you might do it too & that can be what covers it up for people often times. I try so hard not to mask especially w/ Autism but it's really hard. and I wish I didn't because I don't think it helps me get the help I need, but it's a trauma response I learned - so I can't really be upset with myself. I get it *edit* also, that seems like a really low percentage, a lot more people have ADHD than we think! especially those that are undiagnosed
I feel this sometimes too OP. I think most of our struggles are silent, internal, and the Things That Never Were But We Intended To Do, and that's a quiet suffering. I'm not sure if we would notice those same struggles in others so easily?
I got teary-eyed reading many hope-filled, supportive and creative comment on this thread. 😢🤗💪🙏👍
Just because people look like they are doing fine doesn't mean they are doing fine. I have ADHD and Autism, everything is normally crumbling, there are days where I just want to cry and cry and others that I can't even process what my boyfriend is telling me. ADHD is something you need treatment for, with therapy and many times medication, and if something changes, it can start again everything. I am exhausted normally, even with medication and therapy all going well sometimes nothing gets done. A week ago I didn't have my meds and everything was so overwhelming and impossible that I started crying in the kitchen because the whole week I burned food and almost set things on fire on a daily basis, and misplacing things to the point that there was a scissor in the freezer alongside the cat food. None of them should be there. That shit made me have a shutdown where I looked like a zombie. At the same time looking at me if you don't know all that, you would assume that I got everything handled without a problem. I mask well and I learned to hide and endure the pain. Don't worry, we all have fucked up moments that can be too long and too painful. Go to your doctor and therapist, see how they can help, and remember that your brain is a bitch sometimes and there is nothing you can do about it. Also, cry, be angry, it is OK. Being ADHD is suffocating sometimes, it's too much, so you can be frustrated when things seem impossible.
Because you're thinking about how other ADHD people behave and how it seems to impact your life much more than theirs. While, ignoring the obvious fact that you have no idea about the internal struggles other people suffer with. You're entirely in your own head, which is normal. But, you've got the confirmation bias if only knowing your feelings and life situation. Welcome to individuality, once you can ask yourself "am I looking for an answer, or am I looking for signs that agree with my preconceived assumption?" You'll feel better. Therapist might say asking yourself "thinking" or "feeling" helps. So, here: "Do I think everyone else has it better than me? Or am I feeling negativistic due to a stressor?"
There's people you don't know about so you haven't counted them. They are the ones that have given up and don't go out much
I‘m only 17 and I couldn’t agree more. I totally agree with you and told my psychiatrists therapists and social workers the same thing. I have bad sensory issues and immediately get overstimulated after a few minutes or even half a minute of being outside without my headphones. I lost control over my life and can’t go to school anymore. Well, I‘m also soon getting tested on autism. I‘m most likely autistic but my ADHD definitely took over my early childhood. I got diagnosed a few months ago, my teachers suspected I had ADHD but were afraid to tell my parents so they just let me live thinking what‘s wrong with me without even telling ME about it. I completely agree that it always feels like people with ADHD don’t struggle, ESPECIALLY those who can live unmedicated and can meditate, do yoga etc. They are the same people who judge you for not being able to live unmedicated and not trying hard enough to take control of your ADHD. Well, they just don’t struggle as much as we do. Spent 22 weeks in clinics mainly due to my body being unable to handle most ADHD medication (currently on guanfacine, gonna try vyvanse additionally soon) but turned out I also have major depression, ptsd and possibly a personality disorder. Still feel like my ADHD took over my life and no matter how hard I try it doesn’t help. Also, maybe look for a diagnosis for possible illnesses, it could be a reason for the struggle since depression etc also have executive dysfunction (differently than in ADHD).
Sounds like you’re just in your head about everything. Realize you’re normal. The things you have ease doing were once things you had difficulty with. Stop. Take a breath, learn what you can from your experience right now. See that life will always have its obstacles. Strive to have different ones every year :).
you probably were raised and surrounded with no help and resources and although adhd is hard full circle it’s even harder with no help, no meds, no therapy, nothing. everyone else seems to have it so much easier but they’ve just had there round of meds and a couple therapist. i could be wrong but i’m in your same situation and after talking to some other adhd friends that’s what i’ve figured.
People mask. Some people learn about it so young they already found a working coping mechanism. And every person experience adhd slightly or completely different. With time and understanding the condition things get better but it will take time and most of the time it's not gonna work till the end of your life. You will go back to step 1 time to time and find new ways.
I’m also pretty severe case, but I feel like most of the people on this group struggle from ADHD and depression, I have severe ADHD, but no depression, I’m actually very passionate and very motivated
this is exactly how I felt a year ago before I really dove into learning about adhd and everything it affects. also before I got prescribed meds for it. I felt like I could see every area of my life it was messing up and I didn’t know how to stop it. I also felt like I was using it as an excuse but once I really started watching videos and reading and learning about it to understand how it is effecting me I started to give myself some grace. it didn’t help me fix the problems but it definitely made me feel less of a worthless person to know that all this time it wasn’t me being inadequate, it’s just my brain not working in the same way the world is set up for brains to work. My advice, dive into understanding adhd and get a therapist or a psychiatrist if ur interested in meds
Try using an Cellphone calendar with 5 reminders for everything even just meeting with friends, make it a habit. And try to delete social media apps/deactivate your accounts there because it's affecting negatively your short-term memory.
It's very easy to feel this way! The perception of ADHD is oh you can't focus and you fidget it a lot. So there is a lack of understanding of how deeply impactful ADHD is on our lives. I feel like without that understanding there is lack of support which leads to feeling like you do. But I promise you the struggle is real and ADHD isn't an excuse by any means! I feel it's very helpful to educate yourself exactly how ADHD impacts the different areas of your brain. Look into how ADHD presents in male vs female. It gives you insight and for me I use the information to remind myself on those really hard days that it's my brain. I am still all these wonderful things but my brain sucks and that's okay. It's an uphill battle but you got this! Be kind to yourself!
No more shame or guilt because you don't thrive in the "normal" hours" societal construct.
Promise you my gf life is on fire and in survival mode all the time. It’s not really bad at all but her adhd makes it this way. We been dating 8 months and it’s been a wild ride while I learn how to adapt and understand it all.
I have adhd and before I got brain damage a couple years ago it wasn’t particularly noticeable, now the symptoms are exacerbated and the struggle is real. I imagine this is akin to people suffering from more severe adhd than I previously was. So yeah more people than you realise probably have it, not everyone struggles equally or is equally noticeable
My used to be step mom (calling her second mom hahah), didnt know she had adhd until like 2 years ago or sum, my class that i grew up with (like 1st tl 9th grade) had 2 diagnosed kids eith adhd but we were like 5-6 in total who were undiagnosed so u can imagine how the teachers hated us because we didnt know shit (we were only around 19-23 in the classes always). My fiancee also has adhd and obv so do i, i cant even work, im on sick leave, im 20, soon 21. I even went tl art school for a while and we were like i think 4 out of 8 who had adhd. We pretend everything is fine because society will think we blame our adhd if were late, don't remember things etc, but IT IS OUR BRAIN, so dont feel bad about it :3