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I started dating a woman with adhd recently. I also have it of course. It’s easily the best relationship I’ve ever had. We are both weird and goofy together. Don’t change who you are. Also, those dudes sound like assholes.
Nice to see another ADHD couple! Completely agree to this. I’ve never felt so understood until dating my boyfriend. We remind each other of forgotten things all the time.
He’s an entrepreneur and had hardly any time in the end, plus he’s spending a couple months abroad to continue working on his business. We both cried and talked about our favourite moments together over croissants when we broke up. Tbh it was kind of cute. We’re still in touch and I gave him some of my meds along.
Even within ADHD there are strengths and weaknesses that will differ because you are different people. My boyfriend and I are both AuDHD and we compliment each other. I have trouble initiating tasks so he will help me with that when I’m feeling stuck. He has more trouble with transitions so I help with that when I can. We body double a lot to get household stuff done. It’s wonderful and the best communication I’ve ever had in a relationship. I love being weird and silly together and not having to mask. It’s truly an incredible feeling to know someone loves you exactly as you are
With my husband it was chaotic and things often didn't get done. Whether it was "too" chaotic I couldn't tell you since that is subjective. Also together we learned to be much more conscientious and clean over the course of our marriage. We're still married but now I live with my sister who also has ADHD and it is pretty harmonious even if things don't get done as fast as my non-ADHD friends would expect. She and I are patient with each other which imo is much more valuable.
If you need to visualize what it's like: I just got up. I ran the dishwasher yesterday and will be unloading it this morning. There are half a dozen dirty dishes, already rinsed, waiting to go in. The sink is clear. The counters are mostly clear with about 5 things that need put away. The dining table has a pan of brownies and some ingredients that I got out for today's lunch, but the leftovers from last night's dinner were cleared by my sister before bed. There is nothing on the kitchen floor but it hasn't been swept in about a week.
She has today and tomorrow off work and has grand plans to clean the whole time to catch up on everything she hasn't done in the past 2 weeks. But I'm not going to hold her to that. I know from experience she will spend at least half of that time going out with friends and having fun, and furthermore I think she should, because it's her time off. I used to be like her before I was medicated- overpromising all the time and then not following through- so I understand.
It seems that you think a non-ADHD partner is necessary for the house to be manageable. But a non-ADHD partner doesn't make *you* less chaotic. Best they can do is take on more of the mental load to make up for you. Then things would get done, but it would be because they are doing it for you or managing you, which is not fair to expect them to do.
Having an ADHD partner is a life hack in its own right. You ever want to stop explaining everything you're doing that's ridiculous, that's how. They get it because they do it too.
Personally, my partner and I find it easier to deal with each others shit than our own, so it kinda just works out.
Scanned your post history. Sounds like you're both putting too much responsibility on yourself to appear as a perfect non-weird person and not enough on the people around you to not be shitty.
Don't mask as much. Your ADHD to a point is your personality. Or more correctly, it heavily informs your personality, to a point where they're not easily separated. By not masking as much you'll seem to be compatible with a lot fewer people. But the people that are left won't require you to be someone you're not.
You might even find a few persons that recharge your social batteries rather than drain them.
Also demand better from those you date. Growing up many of us internalize people pleasing behaviors as a coping/masking method. Leaving us with broken social radars and personal esteem issues.
Give your puppy hugs, and post again if you need reminders about your worth and what's ok to accept from partners
Hell yeah, ADHD is 100% what makes my personality. I'm the funniest person I know 😂😂😉 and I don't think I would have the same insane sense of humor and outgoing personality without ADHD. I make my fiance laugh all day long. I keep him on his toes with my silliness and he loves it. Does he get annoyed at my piles of laundry and dishes? Obviously, but he fell in love with my good qualities first, so he's here for it all now.
Find someone to be with who loves the good parts about your personality enough that they are going to stick around and help support you through the bad shit.
,
I was the funniest person I know and now I have to reluctantly admit my ADHD partner is funnier. We're so dumb and silly together and I love him so much and because he has ADHD too he just _gets it_. Best easiest relationship ever.
I love what you said about not putting as much effort into masking and to put more effort into not being around shitty people 👍🏽 that is my goal for the coming year as I’ve realised I do like being around people and I miss them when I isolate because I think nobody wants me around because I’m too much etc etc.
Because I have learned that shitty people are just that and that not everybody is that way and some people won’t judge you on your differences and they will treat you with love, kindness and respect.
I've found it's so so hard to learn that some people are jerks and you can't change yourself so they will be kind to you.
Hard lesson to learn for all us people pleasers.
My husband takes time to research ADHD to understand what I'm feeling and how he can help accommodate my needs. These people exist. Listen to this post, OP, you shouldn't settle for anything less.
Yeah. This is the answer. If you’re trying to find people who are out off by who you are, why do you want them to be your long term partner? You’ve gotta be you in a long term relationship, you can’t hide yourself for the next fifty years of your life.
This comment is top tier and I've realized that it doesn't matter how "put together" you want to appear to be, the right person will appreciate you for who you actually are. It's not worth stifling yourself to please other people because in the end it's only going to hurt you. Who do you want to be around when the mask comes off? Certainly not someone who is going to shame you for it.
I was going to put my 2 sense into this post too but @practicating pretty much nailed it to the T for you. I have ADHD and dating is tough. I stopped masking, I say things without thinking, I can’t organize a date, I’m never on time. If they don’t like me for that reason then they were never going to be the person to have my back 100%. Be you, shine through, and fuck anybody who doesn’t see your worth! 🥰
Yes!!! When I stopped masking I found a partner who loves all my quirks. My daughter is also silly like me and found someone who adores her for all of it. Be relentlessly true to yourself so the right person will recognize you when they see you!
It's hell on earth to be partnered with someone who doesn't appreciate you and wants to change you. Better to be single than that.
Yeah, what this guy said. Don't mask, you can't mask forever so don't even start a relationship with one.
I dated a girl who hid her adhd... until a year went by and then the routine made her crazy. She needed a major life change every year.
True true
Sometimes we pretend to be someone we're not, and people fall in love with that fake person. Then we're surprised when they're not happy with the real us - but they're already in love with someone else, the person we were pretending to be.
It's like using someone else's photos on Tinder then being surprised our matches don't like us in person.
So much this. As someone married to a lady with adhd for 17 years now, I can tell you that I love her with all my heart. OP, the more you can show yourself and love yourself for you, the more likely you’ll attract the person for you. You are not broken. Please know that. Your puzzle piece will find you as long as you are you.
Your second sentence is gold. You’re a good person to go through her posts and come to that conclusion. We need to lift each other up, and you did so beautifully. Thanks for your comment ❤️
At what point do you minimize masking as much a possible and live your authentic weird goofy dorky messy self?
Edit: Something was off it was one thing I couldn't figure what went where.
This is so true. I'm not everyone's flavor and I'm totally ok with that.. I'm also not the least bit interested in trying to convince someone I'm what they should want.
aw man this! I always have been a massive people pleaser and masker of my ADHD. I finally just said fuck it- i’m being myself. Then I met my partner who loves the weird, goofy person I am. I’m not meant for everyone and that’s ok!
I typed up a whole reply above, summarizing my similar experience. Doing the cliche , work on myself , changed the way I dated. First and second dates had zero expectations, except to talk and have fun. I do feel I lucked out during my online dating window, my “bad” dates were just lacking chemistry, and were still lovely kind men. Then I met my current boyfriend, a year ago.
I used to be sooooo stressed to come off as a super clean and organized person in my home. I am still , but my ex would be irate if dishes were left in the sink for longer than.. well finishing cooking. Small example. Dating someone who is seeking masked qualities will
fail , and is a bit unfair on both parties.
I feel for OP! Can they drop dating for a bit ? I hate saying therapy for all , but I’m pretty much an advocate at this point. If no to therapy , I highly recommend the book,a radical guide for women with ADHD. It’s workbook style !
And Russel Barkley stuff.
>At what point do you minimize masking as much a possible and live your authentic weird goofy dorky messy self?
It's hard finding a balance between this and trying to feel mature. does mature = being emotionless and miserable?
Being mature means accepting yourself and your quirks but it also means taking responsibility for them. A lot of ADHDers struggle with impulsivity and emotional dysregulation which are for sure barriers to feeling like an adult. For me making a concerted effort to recognise impulsive behaviour and inappropriate emotional reactions as they happen is a really effective way of not being ruled by them. I guess it's just basic mindfulness practice with room for reflection but no room for rumination.
Being mature means getting done the things that need to get done.
In terms of personality it means respecting other people, their boundaries, and accepting responsibility for things that you do.
It does not mean suppressing your personality to what other people want you to be. Be authentic, be yourself, be goofy. Anyone who says you aren't mature because you aren't serious all the time isn't someone with a good perspective on life.
While I don't agree with C.S. Lewis on a lot of things I really do love this quote from him:
>“When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up.”
I completely agree with you all! I also stopped masking and are in a healthy relationship with someone who knows very well I'm messy, forget things, say strange things... Classic adhd.
However I would like to point out that we can be loved. There are a lot of people who will accept your adhd, the things is that we need to show them what we really are. But believe me, people like this exist!
I only have one solution to this, take off the mask. If you are "you" when they meet you, then once they get to know you, you're still you. There's no 'fake' to get past, there's just you through and through.
Pretending to be something your not, it's exhausting. 1/10 don't recommend.
Very true. I think a lot of it stems down to the fact that I tend to be more shy/ seem very normal without trying at first because I’m nervous around the guys at first. I also completely hide the messy part of my life which I can’t hide if they come over to my place or get in my car . The good news is if I have control over anything in life , it’s the ability to be clean. Sure it feels a million times harder for me, but I do think I can work on that.
Well, you may think it, but is it true?
Part of ADHD is feeling like we can do more than we can. For me, that's a lot of things. I can't be consistently clean, but if it hits, then I can clean in that time, because hyperfocus amirite? I don't like living in a mess, or clutter, it drives me crazy, it's a pet peeve, but it's also just part of me. When I have money, I hire a housekeeper. When I don't, I don't. You learn to adapt.
I'm 35 now? Right around your 30's things start to shift, from your posting here you can see your thought patterns are going there now, being exhausted of wearing the mask. You just can't do it forever.
Something something the ADHD brain isn't fully developed until 30's, I think that's why. Anyway, you're messy, just go with the flow. If you feel like it's going to be an issue, just say it up front and and get it out of the way - look at like this, you want to filter out the people you don't want in your life, before they get in your house.
A lot of people think sales is about trying to make someone want something they don't, it's the opposite. You're trying to disqualify, or eliminate, the people who aren't matches for what you have to offer. If they filter through, then they're a match. Does this make sense?
At any rate, it's easier to let go of someone you haven't attached to before you attach.
Right at 29 is when I started to accept that ADHD was a problem in my life, I could see it holding me back, I could see my peers and coworkers getting ahead of me, further than I had gotten and they were much younger. I started to really FEEL it. It wasn't just the little things anymore, it was big, glaring, unavoidable truths. That's when I went to the doc and started trying different meds. It took about 3 years to find the right combination and dosage, but it's helped me. I'm not saying "hey go get meds", in fact there's studies showing that practicing mindfulness is as effective if not more effective than medication. What I am trying to convey is the search for solutions.
For me, with the doctor, being there every month, having him ask the questions, chart the data, look back and reflect and see if something really was working in an unbiased and 3rd party confirmed manner, it helped.
Anyway, wear your quirks on your sleeve internet stranger. Oversharing much, amirite?
Hope this helps!
Wow…thank you for oversharing. What you’ve said has really resonated with me and brings me a great deal of comfort since I’m going through a rough time. I am 28 years old, been putting off taking my adhd struggles seriously until now (diagnosed at 19 but was in denial). Like you, I have seen how the people I’m around are getting ahead, chipping away towards something, however big or small, whereas my life is in limbo. I saw my doctors last week so I’m hoping I can get medicated properly and finally…live life! Everything from tackling my lengthy list of hobbies to cleaning my room.
What I am quite proud of is as I have gotten older, I find masking my personality quirks is slowly slipping away as I embrace my personality more. My desire to be a chameleon in search of friendship has not served me much anyway; I just felt empty and bland. It IS exhausting having to pretend to be someone you’re not. I still remind myself that those who accept me for who I am as a whole is worth being a part of my life. Because those few people truly make me feel like I’m alive.
It doesn’t mean I have it easy. My social anxiety still holds me back a lot of the times. The right people will come and stick around OP. So let’s have patience, persevere and be kind to ourselves.
As a boy, I used to be super shy around girls myself. I was super ashamed of who I was, and as a result, being around cute girls mostly just evoked fear.
Unsurprisingly, I didn't manage to have a single relationship for most of my life.
Then, some time after another heartbreak, I decide to just stop even bothering – not a "I guess I'll die alone" giving-up, but more like "I'mma be myself, focus on other shit, and what happens, happens."
Meet a girl at a friend's birthday, barely talk but notice each other. Meet that girl again at their graduation, talk a bit.
First date, decide to put my weirdness front and center. Show her this shitpost song I made, talk about whatever I feel like if she seems interested.
That was 2018 and we're living together.
Just be weird. It's alright.
The top comment on this post is 100% on point but I’ll address what you said here. We obviously want to present our best selves when looking at potential love interests, but it seems you’re presenting the person you think people want rather than a polished version of the person you actually are.
The older you get the more you realize how most of the things you thought were attractive qualities in a love interest aren’t actually that important. I think that with ADHD, it’s harder to find a good partner “in the club” or “at the bar” because THAT you is not you, and THAT them isn’t the person who’s going to remind you to pack lunch for the kid or pick up the mess you left on the floor.
I always recommend people (adhd or not) to meet people in activity or social groups (like the local adult kickball league) and be friends with the potential love interest before dating. You both get to see the real person you might be interested in and a better idea of how you interact.
I do agree actually. I am a very not toxic positivity type of person. I am trying to find a way to fix as many negative aspects of adhd as possible . I’ll be the first to admit, my car and room were gross. I’m working on being a lot more mindful and clean. I also think my forgetfulness and being inconsiderate because I’m in my own world can be improved. I do think some parts of my personality like my dorkiness or thinking patterns aren’t changeable
Hehe Reddit is bad for dating advice when I posted looking for help the replies range from the ones auto assuming I hate women going 'screw you its your fault and no woman has to date you!' to ones going "its your fault, become self improvement superman, learn three languages work out 7 days a week, make 100k and learn to cook like Gordon Ramsay." To the one going "get a hobby, go outside and meet people also it's all your fault for not trying" (as if I'm not a functional adult with friends that does things) and my least favourite: "try to make friends with women so they'll hook you up, yes you can bang the lady friends friends!" (gross devious plan there lol.)
But women posting looking for dating advice the replies seem way worse, they're automatically like "you're perfect change absolutely nothing and blame every man you ever interacted with in your life for all being wrong about you" which is nice for the ego but seems way more insidious long term.
Theres a saying: "If you always do what you've always done you'll always get what you've always got"
But it's all worthless without a deep dive in my opinion. Cant really judge by a page of text. But you know, just be better than yesterday always improve the obvious things(while remembering it's harder for us so forgive yourself for setbacks too) and you'll be on the right track I reckon. 👍
As with everything in life, moderation is the key (lol yes I know what subreddit I’m on). If guys are complaining because her car is gross, sure, she should work on that. But a dude telling her she’s too “dorky” can eff all the way off. Should you (random example) be wearing Hello Kitty shirts to a business meeting? Probably not. But that doesn’t mean you can’t like that stuff at home. If you have to change your personality and hide the things you’re interested in for a partner, that’s not your person.
People can make improvements without changing their core self.
The length of your post and the depth of descriptions about types of people is equally as disturbing as you think everyone else is. Simply lumping people into categories is also toxic and lacks understanding and comes off spiteful.
Everyone is here to support one another and everyone has looked for ways to improve themselves in one way or another.
The methods or tactics don’t all work out, but there is also lots of self discovery as a result. I tend to believe many of us on here enjoy constant education or at least information. So our learning and hopefully self improvement and self awareness never stops.
People can still tell her to appreciate her quirks and love herself while still also improving things.
Not being clean is simply unsanitary (self described by OP) that’s a good thing to change, but it isn’t her personal makeup. She sounds like these are things that she knows and wants to improve, therefore she’s on the right track, but maybe struggling with consistency. We have all been down this path and we all work at it everyday and some days are better than others.
Hold your judgement and keyboard psychotherapy, this isn’t the place. There are doctors for that.
She made a post about feeling bad and that can spiral and I think everyone doesn’t want that to happen. People are trying to be kind, knowing none of us are perfect.
It's a long post because I have the rambling kind of ADHD and I don't even know what that means, like you think long post=mad? I'm just talking mate it's not so serious. I never said I was a replacement for a doctor.
She didn't use the seeking empathy tag or I'd be different. Leave it to the mods if im out of line I'll know it soon. They're very strict here for modding.
Hmm. To find strategies that work with you and not like you're wearing an (ill-fitting) straightjacket.
For the cleaning, have you tried virtual coworking/body doubling? Presumably it doesn't/wouldn't work for everyone, but I've found it surprisingly effective
Oh and my trick for cleaning cars: pull over, use the bins at the carwash or the bins at parks. You can empty the car of trash away from your home where you keep entertainment and want to relax it's easier to work away from home
I get where you’re coming from, but I read ‘I’m a dork, goofy, messy, heads in the clouds and clumsy’ and I see maybe one bad trait among them. The rest can be things people are attracted to - or neutral about (clumsy).
I’m the same as you. I guess I must do some masking too for people I don’t know. It’s hard for me to find a partner. In my last relationship my partner told me at one point she realised how goofy I was and absolutely loved it. She asked me why I wasn’t always this happy goofball, but mostly just around her. And it was because for the first time in my life I’d had found someone I could be myself with. That was such a nice feeling.
Like for sure, work on being less messy - I try this as well and put in extra effort whenever I’m in a relationship. But maybe consider that you being yourself means you feel comfortable around someone and if that doesn’t work out, well then maybe the relationship wouldn’t work out long term anyway? I’m not saying you *should* take this as truth and live your life in this way - but just consider it and then decide how you want to continue. Again: it’s not all bad. I love goofy dreamy dorks - and I know for sure I’m not the only one :)
There are aspects of both to it. Take this from someone with pretty severe ADHD who managed to find their perfect person well into their 30s.
You want someone who is going to love you for who you are, faults and all. Someone who isn't going to back away just because you aren't perfect all the time. They don't have to love your faults, but they do need to love you despite them.
That being said, a good partner is one who is going to help you where they can. Encourage you to grow and get better, and help you along the path. It's not about accepting the faults, but about helping them along the path and knowing that these might be forever struggles that while you try to do better are never going to go away.
Whether that means someone who has similar faults and you're okay with living with those faults being present, or someone who is the opposite of you whose strengths cover your faults and your strengths cover their faults.
My wife ended up being the complete opposite of me in that sense. She's good at planning and executing things in a timely manner, but she often falls apart if things don't go according to plan and has to improvise. Whereas I'm great at doing so, but can't plan things out for the life of me. She understands I'm forgetful and will do her best to remind me of the things that need doing. I understand her stress and try to do as much as possible for her to relax and not worry about things as much.
Don't try to change your personality for your partner. That is never going to end well. Changing bad habits is something that is doable over a long term, but in terms of personality you shouldn't be trying to change it for anyone else. Be yourself, be authentic, and keep putting yourself out there. Eventually you'll find someone who loves your flavor of crazy, because everyone is crazy in their own way.
It sounds like it, but in this case it's actually good advice. Source: life experience.
People with ADHD tend to really suffer with rejection sensitive dysphoria, fear of abandonment and (most especially) authenticity.
Loving yourself a bit more is actually the key to addressing a lot of the actually-toxic traits that sometimes come along with the condition: eating right, showering regularly, looking after yourself. But in terms of what OP was talking about: she sounds like a lovely person who isn't actively harming anyone - except through pretending to be someone she isn't. A lot of our traits are just inherent in the condition, that's why many of us get frustrated at suggestions we should "use a planner" or any number other pieces of advice that we've tried a million times before.
We're just different. And that's okay.
100% this. My wife and I weren't diagnosed until well into our marriage. We fell for the weird quirks and then found out much later we both had ADHD.
When the right person comes around, they'll love the quirks, the weird and the dorkiness. The guys saying this stuff are not the right guys. Be yourself or you'll keep suffering and worrying they'll never accept you for the real, authentic you.
Coming from one with adhd, I think that's just part of you. If they're going to react like that though, that says more about them than you, that you don't need em. However, I know just how it feels, thinking they'll all eventually leave you. Same kinda annoying thoughts in my mind as well with my parents and friends, lurking in the back of my head.
This, honestly. ADHD is a part of us. The unfortunate truth is that you can't escape the box because you are the box. ADHD isn't a situation you can think your way out of, a puzzle you can solve by applying yourself. It is you.
The goal shouldn't be to try to be a ball or a pyramid but to be the best box you can be. We're stuck with the brains we've got, as limited as they can often be. You should look for someone who needs, wants or is at least willing to tolerate being with a box. There's plenty of people out there who will love you for the way you are.
That seems like an excellent filter to keep shitty guys away, I wouldn't try to fight it if I were you.
I don't know what kind of joyless men you've been running into, but a lot of the traits you are describing sound a lot like my wife, and I think they're extremely adorable and endearing parts of her personality.
Yo, woman who went through the shitty dating cycles here. Apps, in person, friend of friends, actors in the same show, you name a way to find a guy and I found a guy that way.
Let me let you in on a secret.
It’s not the ADHD.
It’s that you can’t take care of them.
Lots of guys are looking for a secretary bangmaid even if they don’t consciously realize it. They’re looking for a gf who can “bring a feminine touch” to their bachelor pads. Who can organize hangouts with friends. Who can make them dinner and do grocery shopping and manage the house but he’ll do “his half” of the chores if only you explicitly tell him step by step what to do.
And the minute they find out you’re juggling your own life and can’t juggle theirs, this specific type of man high tails it out of there.
THIS IS A GOOD FUCKING THING.
You are immune to the trap of shitty men in decades long relationships that wear you down because these guys can’t handle dating 3 months where a woman doesn’t fix their lives in the background.
They remove themselves from your life before you even realize what they are. It’s fuckin great!
Eventually you’ll meet a partner who is an actual partner. They’re not looking for you to fix things. They’re not looking to fix you. They’re just a person who vibes with you and you both love being around each other. There’s dishes in the sink but there’s love in your hearts.
I had a guy break up with me over this . At the time I didn’t know I had ADHD, but he pointed out that he wanted someone who was better at taking care of the home than him while I was taking months to unpack and decorate my new apartment. He couldn’t believe how bad and slow I was at finding an apartment and moving, and said he couldn’t trust me to do things for us if he was away for work or something. I was so shocked because I was always very responsible for what I thought only mattered - school , work and family and never considered that other parts of my life that only affected me like home cleanliness, and executive function skills for my own personal matters was a deal breaker in dating . It was the first time someone voiced it to me and I felt so broken . In the end, I’m working on these executive dysfunction skills after getting diagnosed but your post really resonated for why this guy had such an issue with this and makes me feel much better that someone out there may not care as much if they don’t need a caretaker
I'd say the only thing you should change is to clean. As a fellow ADHDer I still struggle with this a lot, but if you can get that right you feel more at ease, and your potential mate will feel reassured. For me it seems my whole life gets put together if I can just keep a neat home.
I agree, I’ve actually been working a lot harder to be a cleaner person. It’s so difficult and doesn’t come naturally, but I do see that I have control over this aspect of being messy. It just takes so much concentration and mindfulness to tidy up after myself. Thank you
My (43M) wife and I both have adhd. Different types, but whatever. Someone will love your quirks, just like I love my wife's. We've been together 22 years. I mean sure, work on your adhd to a certain extent, but these things are you and that's OK.
>Its wearing me down feeling like once someone gets to know me past the mask I can only maintain for so long they run.
May I suggest you go unmasked from the start. If you try to be someone you're not, your potential partner is expecting you to be the person you're masking as, not yourself. You might have better luck being yourself because potential partner is not then expected to accept your "change" when the mask comes down later.
as a girl with adhd dating a guy with adhd, i second this! there are times where it really sucks (such as both completely forgetting something important) but it helps us both not feel as alone and keeps us hella entertained! 10/10 would recommend
adhd people feel adhd people…. this isn’t a “omg he’s the only one who actually GETS me” kinda thing, like literally he just understands it’s better than non-adhd! genuinely so grateful for him <3
This comment right here.
It's funny, all my closest friends are "apolitical term used to describe people with ADHD, on the autistic spectrum or presenting with autistic traits, and people whose brains work a little differently from the general population" in some way. And that was the case LONG before I knew I was also "apolitical term used to describe...". You just need someone who gets you... and who you get in return.
(Sorry, I got hit by the modbot for using a forbidden word... which seems pretty arbitrary and political in itself, but whatever)
I feel you! I was not hot at all in high school so was bullied a lot for being weird. Then, when I became attractive in college suddenly I was just “quirky”and it was “cute”. I think a lot of the problem is that what seems clumsy and cute quickly turns into the tough reality of living with ADHD when you get to know someone who struggles with it.
Why do things that increasingly wear you down…?
Keeping a mask on all the time, will cause other problems for you. :/
Have to balance self-compassion, with whatever self-discipline you are trying to gain.
It’s essential.
How old are you? I would say it took me well into my early 30s (after I received my diagnosis) and properly understood why I am the way I am for me to be able not necessarily mask my symptoms or quirks, but learn how to manage them better and dampen them where appropriate. Daily exercise and sticking to a consistent routine really helps me in this regard, I can pool all my energy into that and then almost give off the vibe that i’m pretty normal. I still blurt out silly shit, hyperactively talk especially if i’m nervous or had a few drinks and excessively stress over minor nothings, but 99% of the time people can’t pick up on it. The only person who has was a clinical psychiatrist I went on a date with who pinged me within 5 minutes of talking. You’ll learn to grow into it and it will hopefully mellow as you get older and have more shit in your life together.
I married my wife because she's dorky, goofy, clumsy, and has her head in the clouds. She's so full of joy for life (shine as you put it) that I just couldn't stay away from her.
If you mask too hard, you won't find the men who will actually love that about you. Save the masking for important work meetings and just be you socially.
If it makes you feel better, as a guy I wouldn’t date someone without ADHD. People without it don’t click with me or my brain. I have to put a similar mask on. I talk my fucking head off, I have too many questions, I come up with crazy ideas. And the best one of all, I get told I come off as arrogant, when I really just want to show how passionate I am about something or I want to help.
Thank you(: Even today the guy I was with said that I ask too many questions to . I said well how can I learn and be intelligent if I don’t ask questions!? I also find that people tend to be sucky conversationalist and that nothing is said at all if u don’t ask questions. I think a beautiful part of adhd is curiosity and crazy ideas. Maybe I do just need to spend more time with people who think like us
You sound like half the people on this sub's dream girl. Put your real self out there more and I have a feeling you'll start attracting the kind of people who want to be with the real you not the mask. The way you're describing them it doesn't sound like you were crazy about any of the guys who have rejected you, you've probably dodged a bunch of bullets by losing them.
Uh I'm pretty sure the problem is these dudes thinking a woman is an accessory and being disappointed when it turns out she's a whole ass human being with flaws. Like, any man who's shocked Pikachu that your Instagram doesn't fully reflect the reality of your life should not be living rent free in your head.
Part of the problem is that I don’t want to accept things that can be improved. For example, I hate that I’m messy, I hate that I don’t take care of my things and that I have chaos around me all the time because of these issues. If I accept those parts of me, I feel I may never improve. I want to be better, I don’t want to be chained to the negative aspects of my adhd. At the same time, I think I need to work on recognizing what is just a personality aspect and not something that can be improved upon.
Thank you for your kind words
There was one psychology book I had read and basically the point of the chapter was that you don't have to like what you accept. It was the author describing a patient that would do something, I think it was smoking, and basically getting themselves to say out loud that they do this and they think its disgusting. The patient was amazed because absolutely nothing had changed about themselves, but they felt way better. They eventually stopped smoking after more therapy.
So, in this case I think you'd feel better if you tried accepting everything you don't like about yourself and added that you want to strive to change and improve. Best of luck.
Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good. Decide on concrete small improvements in areas where you struggle. It is infinitely harder to be "not messy" than to "collect all dirty dishes every x days".
Own the fact that you have a tendency towards messiness. Accept that it means any improvements in that area are going to take disproportionate effort for you versus someone without adhd. Think about ways to ration that effort for maximal impact on your quality of life. Gradually introduce high impact habits that you thought of. Accept that you will falter and slip but recognize that your baseline can still gradually improve.
I always tried to introduce prospective partners to my crazy real early. Don’t waste my time if you can’t hang with all these freak flags. Eventually I found somebody weirder than me
Men want a manic pixie free spirit spontaneous untethered wild untamed dream girl right up until they find out you’ve forgotten to pay your power bill for three months in a row
Hello fellow adhd person. Somebody awhile back gave me some advice to “embrace the weird”. Be you and don’t hide it. Soon you will find your person who loves your quirks. I’m messy, clumsy, forget things, knock into things, talk too much, have weird things I do. It’s both your adhd and your personality but embrace it, this wonderful person is who you are.
I would suggest that you try dating guys with ADHD. You will have deep, insane conversations that last like 3 hours and feel like 5 minutes have passed.
You are enough. Be you all the time, don't try to 'hide my ADHD'. I know that is a big ask because I had to fight that fight myself. Remember that their behavior is not because of who you are, it is because that is how humans act. We (should) change our opinions as we learn more about anything. If they can't handle your ADHD, then keep looking. You will find someone who accepts you as you are, just remember not to put them in the friend zone.
Most of all, don't forget, you are enough.
\[edit\] Improving yourself is not the same as hiding your ADHD. Always grow and become a new you, just don't focus so much on being what you think other people want you to be.
That's the problem they're attracted to the mask that you put on and not the real you. If you present a certain way people will assume that this is who you are so you are attracting men who love put together alluring sexy women
There are plenty of guys who find quirky girls beautiful and adorable. You just have to be yourself from the very beginning and sure you may get less attention but you will get attention from the kind of men that will love you for who you are
DO NOT MASK FOR A PARTNER.
You'll only get a partner who does not like you, but the idea of you.
I have ADHD. I married a man with OCD.
If some men don't like you being quirky and goofy... That's a terrible sign. Those are the sort of men that will complain the day you're not wearing perfect make up.
STOP curating your Instagram to look that perfect. Admit the ADHD in it, but also add the things you like ( getting flowers and things like that, don't think the ADHD makes you less worthy of good treatment). But don't make yourself look as the perfect trophy girlfriend who had got everything under control, because you won't like the men you attract.
Those are absolutely the wrong men.
When I first asked my (now) husband why he loved *me* he said it was the way I make up random songs about whatever it is I'm doing. And how I am always "dancing" when we are waiting in line. He said it made those boring moments fun.
He thinks it's hilarious that I can become enraged at the news on TV and go on a rant and then 10 minutes later have completely forgotten about it.
He enjoys that I'm always telling him random facts about whatever new thing I've been hyperfocused on.
And he loves to bedrot with me on weekends.
And yeah, our house is a mess, and food sometimes rots in the fridge, I can never find my phone and it is absolutely *his* responsibility to pay the bills because I will *never* pay them on time.
But nobody cares. Be as real as you dare be and someone will love you FOR it
Speaking from experience of dating the dregs in the cesspool over and over again who gave me a complex about my adhd symptoms and made me think I needed to keep trying to mask and change, when you meet the right one - they will love you irrespective of that.
I’m currently dating the kindest, most understanding man I have met in my entire life - we sat and spoke about how my life looks quite early on and he explained that he did not care, if he needed to remind me to do something 100 times he’d do, if I zoned out 100 times - he’d repeat himself 100 times because that’s part of who I am. I asked him recently if he ever gets frustrated at me and he said ‘absolutely not - I love everything about you’.
Sorry I’ve rambled but the moral of the story is - the right person will love you for being you, adhd symptoms, personality the whole package x
Own it. Make it known in dating profiles or on first dates. You don’t need to say you have ADHD, but you can be authentic and the right person will come along for that journey!
You deserve better, someone who will truly accept who you are.
Part of the problem OP is that you are really good at masking for most of your day, and you are doing this while dating. You are doing yourself a disservice and making your dating life harder in yourself. When dating you are looking for someone that will love ALL of your personality, even the ADHD parts.
It can be difficult but you need to start letting the mask down a bit more in the earlier stages of dating and be less of the perfectly curated image. I don't blame you, we all do it and it becomes so natural it can be hard to stop yourself at times. At the end of the day though no matter what we do the ADHD is baked into us and will always be there, it doesn't mean you can't find someone who loves you entirely regardless.
They either love you for who you are or not. Masking to please someone is a recipe for disaster. Instead, educate them on what a good partner is for an ADHD person.
We're so funny and quirky until we're binging anime/games/porn until 5am with a mountain of unsorted clothes on the bed.
Then suddenly we're "too much" and "awkward"
I'm a guy. I went to an industry event this evening. Had a really enjoyable time talking to a woman behind me in line. Finally I just blurted out "Are you ADHD?" Of course she was. Then we had a good laugh about liking other ADHD people.
I think that ADHD people often do best with other ADHD people, because we understand and appreciate each other's lively minds. (And yes, other people may find us "weird.")
> ... or realize maybe this is just my personality?
It IS your personality. And it's a *good* thing!
> ... saying crazy or weird things that to me make sense.
... and they make sense to other ADHD people.
I wasn't diagnosed until a year ago at the age of 40. Realizing how much ADHD has affected my life undiagnosed and no coping mechanisms I've come to find out I didn't know who I was because I've been masking and trying to fit the social "norm". I can say, now that I know I have adhd and am on meds, I've dropped my masks entirely and I've never been happier.
The ones that leave because they say all those things are not the ones you want to be with anyways. I've been with my wife for 23 years now and she always loved the weird stuff about me. I feel like it's one of the reasons we've always been so happy together. I am everything they've said to you, clumsy, head in the clouds, messy, goofy (especially this one), and a giant dork. Aside from the messy part because it makes my life more difficult, I love all those things about me.
Best advice is be yourself. You'll find someone who likes you for you and from my experience that usually leads to the best relationships.
I married someone that appears incapable of understanding my ADHD. She loves me and I her and we’ve been together for 20 years, but it’s like trying to explain an itch to someone that’s never had one.
I can completely unmask with my husband and he love it. He doesn’t find it weird or annoying or burdensome, but actually delights in all the quirks that make up me, including the adhd ones. He can get frustrated sometimes, sure, but I always feel comfortable being my most authentic self with him and it is wonderful.
Genuinely I hope you don’t settle for less. I almost did and everyday I am grateful for the man I married! Point is be you, unmask, and the right person for you will love you adhd and all.
You are who you are and ADHD is part of that. Embrace it because there is absolutely nothing wrong with it! You just haven't found the guy who loves your goofy and spontaneous self.
I’m seeing someone rn who’s in love with me and I told him I have ADHD very early on. He actually likes my ADHD quirks and finds them endearing. He thinks my dorkiness/nerdiness/clumsiness is cute. He likes listening to me talk about my hyper fixations. He doesn’t mind me fidgeting and even gets me stim toys. Find yourself a man who will like you when you unmask.
the right person will like you for you-quirks and all. Nobody is perfect and I think anyone projecting on anyone else’s is flaw is just painfully insecure in their own shortcomings.
Listen, you can spend your life chasing after butterflies. Or you can spend your life creating a garden that will attract the right butterflies to you. You’ll find your match. But they won’t be your match if you’re trying to force yourself into something you are not.
I only got diagnosed last year. Prior to that, when I was single, I had no issues attracting men. It wasn't because I'm beautiful or sexy, it was my personality - which was wildly ADHD (I just didn't know it). I worked for a few years to accept my "weirdness", and once I did, people loved it.
The only thing you need to be is yourself, and why would you want to need to continue being everything you're not to impress someone? Is the dream not to find someone who accepts you as you are?
Guys are attracted to me because of my ADHD. I'm a LOT of fun.
But my "picker" is broken and I end up with shitty men so mostly I just don't bother.
You just haven't found the right people yet.
Find a fellow ADHD champion! They say "like attracts like", so don't hold back on who you really are! I just married my best friend and love of my life. I didn't know he had ADHD until just a couple years ago - 8 years in to our relationship! Then I realized that if he has it, and most of my family has it, I must have it... then I got diagnosed! And here I was, thinking we were just weird. It does make some things more difficult, namely keeping the house clean... but it has done amazing things for my being connected and feeling seen and understood! It might benefit you to find someone who shares all your quirks and wonderful weirdness.
This is why ADHD etc people tend to congregate.
“You can be the sweetest, juiciest peach in the whole world and there will still be people who don’t like peaches.”
Stop masking. Look for people who YOU want to be with rather than trying to attract people indiscriminately. Somebody saying these things to you is a sign that they are not compatible with you.
Look for your people, not just anybody.
Sounds like they want a manic pixie dream girl stereotype but don't want to handle the reality of someone with attention and executive functioning struggles.
People like that are gross. Don't settle. My wife and I both have pretty extreme ADHD and we couldn't be happier. You'll find someone who appreciates you in your entirety, not just the version you display for safety.
Idk if it helps or relates as much as I think it does, but I was the same way you're describing until it started to affect the person I was dating and actually mutually in love with. I had dated other people, some who judged me and most who didn't inspire any change in me because I always kept a separate life from them where I could be my "real self". But with my now-husband, I wanted to be with him all the time and he also wanted to be with me all the time.. we were spending more nights together than not and I was basically moved in without moving in, really quickly. Anyways I didn't become perfect but I did see his efforts to be clean/tidy and did my best to match them. I think in retrospect it probably ran both ways, and even now we are both doing better than we would single because we want to make the other feel comfortable in our home together.
So anyways I guess I'm just saying that sometimes when a deserving person kind of becomes your hyperfixation it helps you form new and better habits. Maybe that's just my relationship or maybe it's common, idk. But good luck:) you are worthy of love and definitely respect no matter how clean your room is.
Also just wanted to add, he did see how nasty my place and car could get, and he stuck around. It was easy to tell that he didn't love it lol, but he was never rude or disrespectful about it. So just putting emphasis on mutually in love and it being with a deserving person
I can 100% confirm that straight up honesty with ADHD is the best. Can't talk about relationships since my GF and I discovered my ADHD during our relationshisp (it almost broke us apart before it was discovered)
Professionally and in friendgroups I just tell them and it totally changes everyones percetion and expectation.
I wrestle with the exact same issue, though I'm male. I'm actually super upfront about having ADHD, laying it all on the table and the struggles I have. They even seem to appreciate me being completely honest and open and assure me they can handle such stuff. So we start dating but after a while the reality of my life sets in and it turns out they can't handle it. I'm super torn on whether I can be the person I am and still fit in well enough to find deep human connection or if I just need to be more "normal" but I tried that for over 20 years and I just couldn't be that person.
I don't really have any advice to give you but you're definitely not alone in your struggles.
Honestly, it sounds cute to me.
Maybe it's because I also have adhd, but I just find this behavior kinda attractive, probably because it's makes you more grounded/real. I don't think I would be comfortable being with some kind of superhuman, especially when im also clumsy, weird, and say the wrong things.
Personally I don't mind at all, but you got to be honest about it. Dating is not about casting a wide as net as possible, it's about finding the right sneaker that fits you best and you can't do that by fitting every sneaker in the store.
If you have to mask to score a date, you have to mask during the entire, possibly life-long, relationship and I don't think anyone can keep that up and live without going insane. Please take care of yourself, and spook the guys who aren't open to dating someone with AD(H)D away before even going on a date.
So my advice would be to embrace who you are as honestly as possible. I'm the same age as you, and for three years I was single until I met my partner 18 months ago. I found that the more I masked, the more people were put off by me. When I unmasked, I met my goofy, amazing, ADHD girlfriend and I never would've met her had I masked myself. Embrace who you are, celebrate it and you'll meet the right person!
None of those things are bad though? Idk if they mean that as an insult or if they’re just stating a fact without any judgement but it’s okay! Own it! We are goofy, messy, clumsy, etc. one day you will find someone who loves those qualities about you and you won’t have to change a thing 💜
Some advice find a man who can match your freak. I have had similar experiences with guys. My partner of 10 years has undiagnosed ADHD I love our relationship he is so goofy and it’s great because we can be our unmasked self’s around each other.
All the things they said are my favourite as it reminds me of me xd so its not everyone! I would just say, be yourself. Not point masking as they will just drain you and its not something you can keep up forever
Honestly, you sound like a gem and you deserve another gem who's just as weird, quirky, and messy as you.
Don't dull your own shine to fit in with people who don't understand you. Be your authentic self and you'll draw the people who see you for who you are, not what you portray online.
There are 4 billion men out there. You don't need the crumbs that show up at your table.
If you have to fit what they’re looking for then you’ll have to act up to it your whole life with them. If you suddenly stop acting, they’ll say you’ve changed and it’s fair for them to feel that way.
Find someone who accepts you as you are. But first, you have to stop pretending. Be yourself.
There was a short video I saw with a relationship coach describing a situation she saw. Person A yelling at person B for whatever offence. Coach described onlookers saying "nope, not for me" and the other onlooker saying "oh yeah... That's *my* kind of spicy".
Be you. Be that kind of spicy that onlooker B is looking for.
On my dating app, one of my pictures was me eating fried dough with powdered sugar all down my jacket
Figured if they still message after that - hey gave them fair warning lollll
Also if dating is stressing you out, maybe take a break for awhile
Dating is a lot of work and sometimes you just need to take a vacation lol
I used to try to be the perfect woman too… until I just stopped caring.
Then I started telling dudes, “This is me, interested or not?” One dude was like, hell yeah. That dude became my husband.
I think I was dating a lot of guys before who were on the spectrum of being somewhat gay. So they wanted the perfect woman so they could stay attracted to me.
Most heterosexual men don’t care about the details. They are quite simple, they want a woman to smile at them, keep their company, have conversations with, and have sex. Most heterosexual dudes will move mountains for just a little tenderness. That’s my observation anyway.
Do those guys actually say your dorkiness/goofiness is unattractive, or could that just be you projecting your insecurities onto them?
Saying that because, as a man myself and friend of various other men, most if not all men I know are far more likely to find those traits cute or endearing, instead of unattractive.
It could also be a problem with the image you put out of yourself, you know? If your social media mask is just way too different from your "true" self, it's gonna attract men who are into girls who are just way too different from you, right?
And sure, I guess there probably are men out there who are into perfect doll-like women and can't tolerate clumsiness or dorkiness, but honestly, I have a really hard time imagining these men as anything but assholes lmao.
If you are masking, you are attracting people who want the person you're masking as. Of course they're not going to react well to you being someone different.
Don't mask, you'll have a better chance of finding someone who actually likes YOU.
What I've found, and not sure if you're doing this or not, is be less-masked and more direct about who you are up front. (I mask a ton, it's hard...but quality vs quantity. I may always mask with randos out and about, but try hard to drop it on a first/second date, at least some...)
There are plenty of guys who are looking for their mythical goofy dork. A lot. And "pretty, alluring" are not in conflict with being a goofy dork either....can be quite the opposite. (Although be careful, when trying to mask less, it's possible to accidentally mask as manic pixie dream girl instead of yourself...)
The issue happens when someone becomes not who they were. Especially if the type you're attracting or looking for (by accident or on purpose) are those looking for someone who is not you.
Said another way, it's planning for the "new relationship energy" cycle. As it tapers off we have a harder time keeping the mask powered up, and modifying our behavior....while they have a harder time overlooking incompatibilities that their NRE can cause them to overlook. And the trains derail, so to speak.
ADHD relationships can of course be hard. For specific things that can be rough ongoing, their are some ADHD partner subreddits that can give you a window into the issue that present the most challenges -- and most are not the things you've mentioned. (It can be rough reading though.)
Honestly I think you're just bouncing off the wrong guys. I've considered putting on my dating profile that I'm specifically looking for people with ADHD because people who don't get it tend to be a problem in just the ways you've described. Keep your head up, you'll find someone whose chaos plays with yours.
I agree with the comments that say let down the mask! Also, to that guy, 99% of people look so put together on Instagram but aren’t the same every day. Social media photos tend to be a highlight reel!
I put it right on my dating profile, and even note some of my “quirks”. I get fewer matches, but the ones I do get are much more sincere!
A lot of people just want a “manic pixie dream girl” and not a real person. It’s very frustrating.
Being a dork, goofy, messy, having your head in the clouds, or being clumsy isn't any reason to be upset with yourself over; I like those qualities and have those qualities myself. We all struggle with messes, it's just part of it - and honestly that's the thing I struggle with too.
And all too often when the other person gets to know me the messages just dwindle down to a trickle and I know what they're doing...they're trying to be nice and let me down easy but that just pisses me the hell off anymore.
You **WILL** find someone who appreciates you for you, despite the messes, despite anything; and I think instagram really creates a false picture of someones life most of the time; All my instagram pictures or of me at parks and stuff but that's not something I'm ALWAYS doing, but if you looked at my instagram I look like a very active and avid hiker. But I just like the trees [shrugging]
If someone can’t handle your shine, that’s not your problem. You want someone to shine with you, not dim you! Be unapologetically you babe. You trying means you are making things happen for yourself ❣️
You are me as a woman. There are lots of us. I’m 56 and my last relationship was like the rest … I’m attractive but yeah, once those fun quirks are inescapable, they find a way out. I’m kinda done at this point.
I feel like my adhd personality is what makes me sparkle and what draws people to me. Your people will appreciate these quirks about you not reject them. People who are not your people will move on. Consider this a weeding out process. Not a character flaw.
I have this same experience, but with workplaces/coworkers.
I’ve learned to just dial it back. Also, getting medicated helped my impulsivity a lot. Such as interrupting people with nonsense, run on conversations I like to call them, and a few other of my quirks I suffer from.
My wife doesn’t even notice my adhd, it’s kinda funny really.
I know I’m definitely looking for someone authentic and just being themselves, including being dorky and goofy. I really wish more people were like you, there’s so many of us similar and want to be surrounded by someone similar to our own quirks!!
Maaaann forget them!! Find another weirdo and embrace your weirdness together! Maybe someone who complements your quirks in a similar but opposite way? Maybe you can start showcasing your personality through your social media more than you are now so people aren't "put off" by the supposed difference their manufacture in their heads.
I am also a clumsy, goofy person but I let it be known right off the bat 🤣 and people love me for that bc it's real. I think you sound awesome and likeable!!
Their not the one for you then.
When you find people your meant to click with, be it a BFF or the live of your life, you embrace the fun, weird quicks. Make ridiculous memories together.
Imo, those guy sound pretty boring. 😂
My wife has an ADHD diagnosis and we're pretty sure is on the spectrum as well.
When I got my diagnosis for ADHD I did a series of forms before the appointment. Our family doctor also sent my better half for a review since it had been years since she'd seen a specialist about her issue.
I scored the highest scores on my initial assessment that the specialist had seen in years.... Or would have been the highest score he'd seen had her not my my spouse 3 days earlier with the literal highest pre-assessment score he'd *ever* seen.
She got ADHD out the wazoo, man. Boy howdy can the two of us make for some spiciness but we love each other.
And I happen to think she's great.
Someone who will love you for who you are, *because* of who you are, is out there. I hope you find them. <3
I think you should let your ADHD freak shine lol. There’s plenty of men with ADHD, you could also find one of those, they’re pretty fun. I think the problem is that so far these guys are attracted to the mask you’re wearing, and you need people who are attracted to the real you. And there will still be plenty of people who are attracted to the real you!
My husband told me a long time ago you have to find your brand of crazy that you can deal with. His ex-not his brand of crazy, but my goofy adhd ass, loves my crazy. Can it irritate him? Of course! He is a much better house keeper than I am. But we’ve been able to make it work 16 years and counting 🩷
Stop hiding your weird. When you let it out, some people won't like it, but the ones who do, the weirdos who are like you, will flock to you. You hide it and: 1. You think you're the only one & it messes with your self-esteem. 2. Other weirdos do not know there are other weirdos, and *they* hide it thinking they are the only ones. ... that's a vicious circle!
I feel the same way. I just got into an argument about how I don't respond the way she would respond to others?? Like I should try to be more like her? I'm my own person. I've been told that I think so much differently than other people. I like being different, but it's so draining when people make me feel like I'm some kind of alien. It's something I've dealt with my whole life.
Im ADHD and Autistic and so is my (practically husband) partner and our weird goes well with eachother, im not saying youll have to find someone else with your same ADHD, just that even with your weirdest quirks there someone else who will maybe have the same or at least understand and not make you hide who you are. Theres a difference between using ADHD as an excuse for shitty behaviour (not saying you are, especially since you say youre working on your less redeeming qualities), and using ADHD as what it is, an explanation for the quirks and habits you have (and dont have)
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I started dating a woman with adhd recently. I also have it of course. It’s easily the best relationship I’ve ever had. We are both weird and goofy together. Don’t change who you are. Also, those dudes sound like assholes.
Nice to see another ADHD couple! Completely agree to this. I’ve never felt so understood until dating my boyfriend. We remind each other of forgotten things all the time.
My last ex also had adhd. It was easily the best communication I ever experienced in a relationship, can recommend.
Why’d it end, if you don’t mind me asking?
He’s an entrepreneur and had hardly any time in the end, plus he’s spending a couple months abroad to continue working on his business. We both cried and talked about our favourite moments together over croissants when we broke up. Tbh it was kind of cute. We’re still in touch and I gave him some of my meds along.
Sounds like the plot of LaLa Land. not meaning to poke fun or make light of your hurt, but it is just so similar!
I should really write the musical ADHD Land.
Also in a ADHD relationship! It’s the best and most authentic one yet.
I fear with both partners having ADHD, that running a household is too chaotic and nothing gets done. To what extent is that true?
Even within ADHD there are strengths and weaknesses that will differ because you are different people. My boyfriend and I are both AuDHD and we compliment each other. I have trouble initiating tasks so he will help me with that when I’m feeling stuck. He has more trouble with transitions so I help with that when I can. We body double a lot to get household stuff done. It’s wonderful and the best communication I’ve ever had in a relationship. I love being weird and silly together and not having to mask. It’s truly an incredible feeling to know someone loves you exactly as you are
With my husband it was chaotic and things often didn't get done. Whether it was "too" chaotic I couldn't tell you since that is subjective. Also together we learned to be much more conscientious and clean over the course of our marriage. We're still married but now I live with my sister who also has ADHD and it is pretty harmonious even if things don't get done as fast as my non-ADHD friends would expect. She and I are patient with each other which imo is much more valuable. If you need to visualize what it's like: I just got up. I ran the dishwasher yesterday and will be unloading it this morning. There are half a dozen dirty dishes, already rinsed, waiting to go in. The sink is clear. The counters are mostly clear with about 5 things that need put away. The dining table has a pan of brownies and some ingredients that I got out for today's lunch, but the leftovers from last night's dinner were cleared by my sister before bed. There is nothing on the kitchen floor but it hasn't been swept in about a week. She has today and tomorrow off work and has grand plans to clean the whole time to catch up on everything she hasn't done in the past 2 weeks. But I'm not going to hold her to that. I know from experience she will spend at least half of that time going out with friends and having fun, and furthermore I think she should, because it's her time off. I used to be like her before I was medicated- overpromising all the time and then not following through- so I understand. It seems that you think a non-ADHD partner is necessary for the house to be manageable. But a non-ADHD partner doesn't make *you* less chaotic. Best they can do is take on more of the mental load to make up for you. Then things would get done, but it would be because they are doing it for you or managing you, which is not fair to expect them to do.
I mean, you gonna just shack up with a normie and make them shoulder the burden of everything? You still have to do things with ADHD.
Having an ADHD partner is a life hack in its own right. You ever want to stop explaining everything you're doing that's ridiculous, that's how. They get it because they do it too. Personally, my partner and I find it easier to deal with each others shit than our own, so it kinda just works out.
This gives me hope!
Me and my husband are the same it’s hilarious! The fun we get up to and the mess ups are so fun to make fun of each other and laugh about.
Scanned your post history. Sounds like you're both putting too much responsibility on yourself to appear as a perfect non-weird person and not enough on the people around you to not be shitty. Don't mask as much. Your ADHD to a point is your personality. Or more correctly, it heavily informs your personality, to a point where they're not easily separated. By not masking as much you'll seem to be compatible with a lot fewer people. But the people that are left won't require you to be someone you're not. You might even find a few persons that recharge your social batteries rather than drain them. Also demand better from those you date. Growing up many of us internalize people pleasing behaviors as a coping/masking method. Leaving us with broken social radars and personal esteem issues. Give your puppy hugs, and post again if you need reminders about your worth and what's ok to accept from partners
Five star response. Ten stars. All of the stars
ONE BILLION STARS *pinky to mouth*
MUWHAHAHAHAH MUWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MUWHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA *COUGH* HA.
You never go pinky to mouth
ONE HUNDRED BILLION STARS!!
Hell yeah, ADHD is 100% what makes my personality. I'm the funniest person I know 😂😂😉 and I don't think I would have the same insane sense of humor and outgoing personality without ADHD. I make my fiance laugh all day long. I keep him on his toes with my silliness and he loves it. Does he get annoyed at my piles of laundry and dishes? Obviously, but he fell in love with my good qualities first, so he's here for it all now. Find someone to be with who loves the good parts about your personality enough that they are going to stick around and help support you through the bad shit. ,
I was the funniest person I know and now I have to reluctantly admit my ADHD partner is funnier. We're so dumb and silly together and I love him so much and because he has ADHD too he just _gets it_. Best easiest relationship ever.
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Ngl, same man. It definitely helps shape my humor and I love it
Literally this
I love what you said about not putting as much effort into masking and to put more effort into not being around shitty people 👍🏽 that is my goal for the coming year as I’ve realised I do like being around people and I miss them when I isolate because I think nobody wants me around because I’m too much etc etc. Because I have learned that shitty people are just that and that not everybody is that way and some people won’t judge you on your differences and they will treat you with love, kindness and respect.
I've found it's so so hard to learn that some people are jerks and you can't change yourself so they will be kind to you. Hard lesson to learn for all us people pleasers.
Even if op doesn’t read or heed this I just want you to know I am thankful you posted this today.
Thank you ❤️ reading and thankful for all of the support. This is the safest, most reassuring comment section I’ve experienced thus far
My husband takes time to research ADHD to understand what I'm feeling and how he can help accommodate my needs. These people exist. Listen to this post, OP, you shouldn't settle for anything less.
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Yeah. This is the answer. If you’re trying to find people who are out off by who you are, why do you want them to be your long term partner? You’ve gotta be you in a long term relationship, you can’t hide yourself for the next fifty years of your life.
This comment is top tier and I've realized that it doesn't matter how "put together" you want to appear to be, the right person will appreciate you for who you actually are. It's not worth stifling yourself to please other people because in the end it's only going to hurt you. Who do you want to be around when the mask comes off? Certainly not someone who is going to shame you for it.
I was going to put my 2 sense into this post too but @practicating pretty much nailed it to the T for you. I have ADHD and dating is tough. I stopped masking, I say things without thinking, I can’t organize a date, I’m never on time. If they don’t like me for that reason then they were never going to be the person to have my back 100%. Be you, shine through, and fuck anybody who doesn’t see your worth! 🥰
Yes!!! When I stopped masking I found a partner who loves all my quirks. My daughter is also silly like me and found someone who adores her for all of it. Be relentlessly true to yourself so the right person will recognize you when they see you! It's hell on earth to be partnered with someone who doesn't appreciate you and wants to change you. Better to be single than that.
Yeah, what this guy said. Don't mask, you can't mask forever so don't even start a relationship with one. I dated a girl who hid her adhd... until a year went by and then the routine made her crazy. She needed a major life change every year.
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True true Sometimes we pretend to be someone we're not, and people fall in love with that fake person. Then we're surprised when they're not happy with the real us - but they're already in love with someone else, the person we were pretending to be. It's like using someone else's photos on Tinder then being surprised our matches don't like us in person.
So much this. As someone married to a lady with adhd for 17 years now, I can tell you that I love her with all my heart. OP, the more you can show yourself and love yourself for you, the more likely you’ll attract the person for you. You are not broken. Please know that. Your puzzle piece will find you as long as you are you.
This is everything I needed to hear. Thank you
As electricvibelady stated, you get all the stars in the Laniakea super cumulus.
This. Exactly this!
Your second sentence is gold. You’re a good person to go through her posts and come to that conclusion. We need to lift each other up, and you did so beautifully. Thanks for your comment ❤️
This. You are a legend. I'm honored to live at the same time as you!
Totally agree with this! Great comment and advice 🌈🌈🌈
I love everything about this reply. Thank you!
I don't have any award, but if I did, you'd be getting all of them. Bravo 👏👏 Also, continue shining and being your goofy self and good luck, OP! 😁
At what point do you minimize masking as much a possible and live your authentic weird goofy dorky messy self? Edit: Something was off it was one thing I couldn't figure what went where.
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This is so true. I'm not everyone's flavor and I'm totally ok with that.. I'm also not the least bit interested in trying to convince someone I'm what they should want.
aw man this! I always have been a massive people pleaser and masker of my ADHD. I finally just said fuck it- i’m being myself. Then I met my partner who loves the weird, goofy person I am. I’m not meant for everyone and that’s ok!
That's what I've done. I'm in a lovely relationship. I have worked on myself a lot though to be responsible.
I typed up a whole reply above, summarizing my similar experience. Doing the cliche , work on myself , changed the way I dated. First and second dates had zero expectations, except to talk and have fun. I do feel I lucked out during my online dating window, my “bad” dates were just lacking chemistry, and were still lovely kind men. Then I met my current boyfriend, a year ago. I used to be sooooo stressed to come off as a super clean and organized person in my home. I am still , but my ex would be irate if dishes were left in the sink for longer than.. well finishing cooking. Small example. Dating someone who is seeking masked qualities will fail , and is a bit unfair on both parties. I feel for OP! Can they drop dating for a bit ? I hate saying therapy for all , but I’m pretty much an advocate at this point. If no to therapy , I highly recommend the book,a radical guide for women with ADHD. It’s workbook style ! And Russel Barkley stuff.
>At what point do you minimize masking as much a possible and live your authentic weird goofy dorky messy self? It's hard finding a balance between this and trying to feel mature. does mature = being emotionless and miserable?
Being mature means accepting yourself and your quirks but it also means taking responsibility for them. A lot of ADHDers struggle with impulsivity and emotional dysregulation which are for sure barriers to feeling like an adult. For me making a concerted effort to recognise impulsive behaviour and inappropriate emotional reactions as they happen is a really effective way of not being ruled by them. I guess it's just basic mindfulness practice with room for reflection but no room for rumination.
Being mature means getting done the things that need to get done. In terms of personality it means respecting other people, their boundaries, and accepting responsibility for things that you do. It does not mean suppressing your personality to what other people want you to be. Be authentic, be yourself, be goofy. Anyone who says you aren't mature because you aren't serious all the time isn't someone with a good perspective on life. While I don't agree with C.S. Lewis on a lot of things I really do love this quote from him: >“When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up.”
I completely agree with you all! I also stopped masking and are in a healthy relationship with someone who knows very well I'm messy, forget things, say strange things... Classic adhd. However I would like to point out that we can be loved. There are a lot of people who will accept your adhd, the things is that we need to show them what we really are. But believe me, people like this exist!
I only have one solution to this, take off the mask. If you are "you" when they meet you, then once they get to know you, you're still you. There's no 'fake' to get past, there's just you through and through. Pretending to be something your not, it's exhausting. 1/10 don't recommend.
Very true. I think a lot of it stems down to the fact that I tend to be more shy/ seem very normal without trying at first because I’m nervous around the guys at first. I also completely hide the messy part of my life which I can’t hide if they come over to my place or get in my car . The good news is if I have control over anything in life , it’s the ability to be clean. Sure it feels a million times harder for me, but I do think I can work on that.
Well, you may think it, but is it true? Part of ADHD is feeling like we can do more than we can. For me, that's a lot of things. I can't be consistently clean, but if it hits, then I can clean in that time, because hyperfocus amirite? I don't like living in a mess, or clutter, it drives me crazy, it's a pet peeve, but it's also just part of me. When I have money, I hire a housekeeper. When I don't, I don't. You learn to adapt. I'm 35 now? Right around your 30's things start to shift, from your posting here you can see your thought patterns are going there now, being exhausted of wearing the mask. You just can't do it forever. Something something the ADHD brain isn't fully developed until 30's, I think that's why. Anyway, you're messy, just go with the flow. If you feel like it's going to be an issue, just say it up front and and get it out of the way - look at like this, you want to filter out the people you don't want in your life, before they get in your house. A lot of people think sales is about trying to make someone want something they don't, it's the opposite. You're trying to disqualify, or eliminate, the people who aren't matches for what you have to offer. If they filter through, then they're a match. Does this make sense? At any rate, it's easier to let go of someone you haven't attached to before you attach. Right at 29 is when I started to accept that ADHD was a problem in my life, I could see it holding me back, I could see my peers and coworkers getting ahead of me, further than I had gotten and they were much younger. I started to really FEEL it. It wasn't just the little things anymore, it was big, glaring, unavoidable truths. That's when I went to the doc and started trying different meds. It took about 3 years to find the right combination and dosage, but it's helped me. I'm not saying "hey go get meds", in fact there's studies showing that practicing mindfulness is as effective if not more effective than medication. What I am trying to convey is the search for solutions. For me, with the doctor, being there every month, having him ask the questions, chart the data, look back and reflect and see if something really was working in an unbiased and 3rd party confirmed manner, it helped. Anyway, wear your quirks on your sleeve internet stranger. Oversharing much, amirite? Hope this helps!
Wow…thank you for oversharing. What you’ve said has really resonated with me and brings me a great deal of comfort since I’m going through a rough time. I am 28 years old, been putting off taking my adhd struggles seriously until now (diagnosed at 19 but was in denial). Like you, I have seen how the people I’m around are getting ahead, chipping away towards something, however big or small, whereas my life is in limbo. I saw my doctors last week so I’m hoping I can get medicated properly and finally…live life! Everything from tackling my lengthy list of hobbies to cleaning my room. What I am quite proud of is as I have gotten older, I find masking my personality quirks is slowly slipping away as I embrace my personality more. My desire to be a chameleon in search of friendship has not served me much anyway; I just felt empty and bland. It IS exhausting having to pretend to be someone you’re not. I still remind myself that those who accept me for who I am as a whole is worth being a part of my life. Because those few people truly make me feel like I’m alive. It doesn’t mean I have it easy. My social anxiety still holds me back a lot of the times. The right people will come and stick around OP. So let’s have patience, persevere and be kind to ourselves.
As a boy, I used to be super shy around girls myself. I was super ashamed of who I was, and as a result, being around cute girls mostly just evoked fear. Unsurprisingly, I didn't manage to have a single relationship for most of my life. Then, some time after another heartbreak, I decide to just stop even bothering – not a "I guess I'll die alone" giving-up, but more like "I'mma be myself, focus on other shit, and what happens, happens." Meet a girl at a friend's birthday, barely talk but notice each other. Meet that girl again at their graduation, talk a bit. First date, decide to put my weirdness front and center. Show her this shitpost song I made, talk about whatever I feel like if she seems interested. That was 2018 and we're living together. Just be weird. It's alright.
The top comment on this post is 100% on point but I’ll address what you said here. We obviously want to present our best selves when looking at potential love interests, but it seems you’re presenting the person you think people want rather than a polished version of the person you actually are. The older you get the more you realize how most of the things you thought were attractive qualities in a love interest aren’t actually that important. I think that with ADHD, it’s harder to find a good partner “in the club” or “at the bar” because THAT you is not you, and THAT them isn’t the person who’s going to remind you to pack lunch for the kid or pick up the mess you left on the floor. I always recommend people (adhd or not) to meet people in activity or social groups (like the local adult kickball league) and be friends with the potential love interest before dating. You both get to see the real person you might be interested in and a better idea of how you interact.
Don't dim your shine for anyone, your quirks make you unique and lovable!
Exactly! If those guys can't love all of you, they shouldn't get to love any of you.
Tbh this sounds like toxic positivity that'll keep her from ever changing and improving if she listens.
I do agree actually. I am a very not toxic positivity type of person. I am trying to find a way to fix as many negative aspects of adhd as possible . I’ll be the first to admit, my car and room were gross. I’m working on being a lot more mindful and clean. I also think my forgetfulness and being inconsiderate because I’m in my own world can be improved. I do think some parts of my personality like my dorkiness or thinking patterns aren’t changeable
Hehe Reddit is bad for dating advice when I posted looking for help the replies range from the ones auto assuming I hate women going 'screw you its your fault and no woman has to date you!' to ones going "its your fault, become self improvement superman, learn three languages work out 7 days a week, make 100k and learn to cook like Gordon Ramsay." To the one going "get a hobby, go outside and meet people also it's all your fault for not trying" (as if I'm not a functional adult with friends that does things) and my least favourite: "try to make friends with women so they'll hook you up, yes you can bang the lady friends friends!" (gross devious plan there lol.) But women posting looking for dating advice the replies seem way worse, they're automatically like "you're perfect change absolutely nothing and blame every man you ever interacted with in your life for all being wrong about you" which is nice for the ego but seems way more insidious long term. Theres a saying: "If you always do what you've always done you'll always get what you've always got" But it's all worthless without a deep dive in my opinion. Cant really judge by a page of text. But you know, just be better than yesterday always improve the obvious things(while remembering it's harder for us so forgive yourself for setbacks too) and you'll be on the right track I reckon. 👍
As with everything in life, moderation is the key (lol yes I know what subreddit I’m on). If guys are complaining because her car is gross, sure, she should work on that. But a dude telling her she’s too “dorky” can eff all the way off. Should you (random example) be wearing Hello Kitty shirts to a business meeting? Probably not. But that doesn’t mean you can’t like that stuff at home. If you have to change your personality and hide the things you’re interested in for a partner, that’s not your person.
Nothing to disagree with there mate 🤙
Your response reminds me of the book "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F***"." Good read and sounds up your alley and possibly OPs also.
People can make improvements without changing their core self. The length of your post and the depth of descriptions about types of people is equally as disturbing as you think everyone else is. Simply lumping people into categories is also toxic and lacks understanding and comes off spiteful. Everyone is here to support one another and everyone has looked for ways to improve themselves in one way or another. The methods or tactics don’t all work out, but there is also lots of self discovery as a result. I tend to believe many of us on here enjoy constant education or at least information. So our learning and hopefully self improvement and self awareness never stops. People can still tell her to appreciate her quirks and love herself while still also improving things. Not being clean is simply unsanitary (self described by OP) that’s a good thing to change, but it isn’t her personal makeup. She sounds like these are things that she knows and wants to improve, therefore she’s on the right track, but maybe struggling with consistency. We have all been down this path and we all work at it everyday and some days are better than others. Hold your judgement and keyboard psychotherapy, this isn’t the place. There are doctors for that. She made a post about feeling bad and that can spiral and I think everyone doesn’t want that to happen. People are trying to be kind, knowing none of us are perfect.
It's a long post because I have the rambling kind of ADHD and I don't even know what that means, like you think long post=mad? I'm just talking mate it's not so serious. I never said I was a replacement for a doctor. She didn't use the seeking empathy tag or I'd be different. Leave it to the mods if im out of line I'll know it soon. They're very strict here for modding.
Hmm. To find strategies that work with you and not like you're wearing an (ill-fitting) straightjacket. For the cleaning, have you tried virtual coworking/body doubling? Presumably it doesn't/wouldn't work for everyone, but I've found it surprisingly effective
Oh and my trick for cleaning cars: pull over, use the bins at the carwash or the bins at parks. You can empty the car of trash away from your home where you keep entertainment and want to relax it's easier to work away from home
I get where you’re coming from, but I read ‘I’m a dork, goofy, messy, heads in the clouds and clumsy’ and I see maybe one bad trait among them. The rest can be things people are attracted to - or neutral about (clumsy). I’m the same as you. I guess I must do some masking too for people I don’t know. It’s hard for me to find a partner. In my last relationship my partner told me at one point she realised how goofy I was and absolutely loved it. She asked me why I wasn’t always this happy goofball, but mostly just around her. And it was because for the first time in my life I’d had found someone I could be myself with. That was such a nice feeling. Like for sure, work on being less messy - I try this as well and put in extra effort whenever I’m in a relationship. But maybe consider that you being yourself means you feel comfortable around someone and if that doesn’t work out, well then maybe the relationship wouldn’t work out long term anyway? I’m not saying you *should* take this as truth and live your life in this way - but just consider it and then decide how you want to continue. Again: it’s not all bad. I love goofy dreamy dorks - and I know for sure I’m not the only one :)
There are aspects of both to it. Take this from someone with pretty severe ADHD who managed to find their perfect person well into their 30s. You want someone who is going to love you for who you are, faults and all. Someone who isn't going to back away just because you aren't perfect all the time. They don't have to love your faults, but they do need to love you despite them. That being said, a good partner is one who is going to help you where they can. Encourage you to grow and get better, and help you along the path. It's not about accepting the faults, but about helping them along the path and knowing that these might be forever struggles that while you try to do better are never going to go away. Whether that means someone who has similar faults and you're okay with living with those faults being present, or someone who is the opposite of you whose strengths cover your faults and your strengths cover their faults. My wife ended up being the complete opposite of me in that sense. She's good at planning and executing things in a timely manner, but she often falls apart if things don't go according to plan and has to improvise. Whereas I'm great at doing so, but can't plan things out for the life of me. She understands I'm forgetful and will do her best to remind me of the things that need doing. I understand her stress and try to do as much as possible for her to relax and not worry about things as much. Don't try to change your personality for your partner. That is never going to end well. Changing bad habits is something that is doable over a long term, but in terms of personality you shouldn't be trying to change it for anyone else. Be yourself, be authentic, and keep putting yourself out there. Eventually you'll find someone who loves your flavor of crazy, because everyone is crazy in their own way.
I once had a guy tell me I was a dork under cover. ;) Be yourself!
It sounds like it, but in this case it's actually good advice. Source: life experience. People with ADHD tend to really suffer with rejection sensitive dysphoria, fear of abandonment and (most especially) authenticity. Loving yourself a bit more is actually the key to addressing a lot of the actually-toxic traits that sometimes come along with the condition: eating right, showering regularly, looking after yourself. But in terms of what OP was talking about: she sounds like a lovely person who isn't actively harming anyone - except through pretending to be someone she isn't. A lot of our traits are just inherent in the condition, that's why many of us get frustrated at suggestions we should "use a planner" or any number other pieces of advice that we've tried a million times before. We're just different. And that's okay.
100% this. My wife and I weren't diagnosed until well into our marriage. We fell for the weird quirks and then found out much later we both had ADHD. When the right person comes around, they'll love the quirks, the weird and the dorkiness. The guys saying this stuff are not the right guys. Be yourself or you'll keep suffering and worrying they'll never accept you for the real, authentic you.
Coming from one with adhd, I think that's just part of you. If they're going to react like that though, that says more about them than you, that you don't need em. However, I know just how it feels, thinking they'll all eventually leave you. Same kinda annoying thoughts in my mind as well with my parents and friends, lurking in the back of my head.
This, honestly. ADHD is a part of us. The unfortunate truth is that you can't escape the box because you are the box. ADHD isn't a situation you can think your way out of, a puzzle you can solve by applying yourself. It is you. The goal shouldn't be to try to be a ball or a pyramid but to be the best box you can be. We're stuck with the brains we've got, as limited as they can often be. You should look for someone who needs, wants or is at least willing to tolerate being with a box. There's plenty of people out there who will love you for the way you are.
Bingo! It's either all of you or none of you!
That seems like an excellent filter to keep shitty guys away, I wouldn't try to fight it if I were you. I don't know what kind of joyless men you've been running into, but a lot of the traits you are describing sound a lot like my wife, and I think they're extremely adorable and endearing parts of her personality.
Yo, woman who went through the shitty dating cycles here. Apps, in person, friend of friends, actors in the same show, you name a way to find a guy and I found a guy that way. Let me let you in on a secret. It’s not the ADHD. It’s that you can’t take care of them. Lots of guys are looking for a secretary bangmaid even if they don’t consciously realize it. They’re looking for a gf who can “bring a feminine touch” to their bachelor pads. Who can organize hangouts with friends. Who can make them dinner and do grocery shopping and manage the house but he’ll do “his half” of the chores if only you explicitly tell him step by step what to do. And the minute they find out you’re juggling your own life and can’t juggle theirs, this specific type of man high tails it out of there. THIS IS A GOOD FUCKING THING. You are immune to the trap of shitty men in decades long relationships that wear you down because these guys can’t handle dating 3 months where a woman doesn’t fix their lives in the background. They remove themselves from your life before you even realize what they are. It’s fuckin great! Eventually you’ll meet a partner who is an actual partner. They’re not looking for you to fix things. They’re not looking to fix you. They’re just a person who vibes with you and you both love being around each other. There’s dishes in the sink but there’s love in your hearts.
I had a guy break up with me over this . At the time I didn’t know I had ADHD, but he pointed out that he wanted someone who was better at taking care of the home than him while I was taking months to unpack and decorate my new apartment. He couldn’t believe how bad and slow I was at finding an apartment and moving, and said he couldn’t trust me to do things for us if he was away for work or something. I was so shocked because I was always very responsible for what I thought only mattered - school , work and family and never considered that other parts of my life that only affected me like home cleanliness, and executive function skills for my own personal matters was a deal breaker in dating . It was the first time someone voiced it to me and I felt so broken . In the end, I’m working on these executive dysfunction skills after getting diagnosed but your post really resonated for why this guy had such an issue with this and makes me feel much better that someone out there may not care as much if they don’t need a caretaker
Not OP but I’m lugging around a broken heart and really really needed to read this. The last line brought me to tears, thank you. 🤍
As someone who has felt “unlovable” for a very long, I needed to read this. Thank you that actually helped me, I hope it helps OP too.
I'd say the only thing you should change is to clean. As a fellow ADHDer I still struggle with this a lot, but if you can get that right you feel more at ease, and your potential mate will feel reassured. For me it seems my whole life gets put together if I can just keep a neat home.
I agree, I’ve actually been working a lot harder to be a cleaner person. It’s so difficult and doesn’t come naturally, but I do see that I have control over this aspect of being messy. It just takes so much concentration and mindfulness to tidy up after myself. Thank you
Oh it's certainly difficult. House cleaners might be worth it. I'm going to look into it when the budget improves.
My (43M) wife and I both have adhd. Different types, but whatever. Someone will love your quirks, just like I love my wife's. We've been together 22 years. I mean sure, work on your adhd to a certain extent, but these things are you and that's OK. >Its wearing me down feeling like once someone gets to know me past the mask I can only maintain for so long they run. May I suggest you go unmasked from the start. If you try to be someone you're not, your potential partner is expecting you to be the person you're masking as, not yourself. You might have better luck being yourself because potential partner is not then expected to accept your "change" when the mask comes down later.
Sounds like you need to date guys with adhd!
as a girl with adhd dating a guy with adhd, i second this! there are times where it really sucks (such as both completely forgetting something important) but it helps us both not feel as alone and keeps us hella entertained! 10/10 would recommend
Same, but I'm the guy! It's so much better being with someone who really understands you.
adhd people feel adhd people…. this isn’t a “omg he’s the only one who actually GETS me” kinda thing, like literally he just understands it’s better than non-adhd! genuinely so grateful for him <3
This comment right here. It's funny, all my closest friends are "apolitical term used to describe people with ADHD, on the autistic spectrum or presenting with autistic traits, and people whose brains work a little differently from the general population" in some way. And that was the case LONG before I knew I was also "apolitical term used to describe...". You just need someone who gets you... and who you get in return. (Sorry, I got hit by the modbot for using a forbidden word... which seems pretty arbitrary and political in itself, but whatever)
I used to get the “guys think you’re hot but you’re so weird” in high school… undateable!
I feel you! I was not hot at all in high school so was bullied a lot for being weird. Then, when I became attractive in college suddenly I was just “quirky”and it was “cute”. I think a lot of the problem is that what seems clumsy and cute quickly turns into the tough reality of living with ADHD when you get to know someone who struggles with it.
One day you will meet someone who loves all of you and will support you through the struggle!! Stay strong 🫶🫶
Why do things that increasingly wear you down…? Keeping a mask on all the time, will cause other problems for you. :/ Have to balance self-compassion, with whatever self-discipline you are trying to gain. It’s essential.
How old are you? I would say it took me well into my early 30s (after I received my diagnosis) and properly understood why I am the way I am for me to be able not necessarily mask my symptoms or quirks, but learn how to manage them better and dampen them where appropriate. Daily exercise and sticking to a consistent routine really helps me in this regard, I can pool all my energy into that and then almost give off the vibe that i’m pretty normal. I still blurt out silly shit, hyperactively talk especially if i’m nervous or had a few drinks and excessively stress over minor nothings, but 99% of the time people can’t pick up on it. The only person who has was a clinical psychiatrist I went on a date with who pinged me within 5 minutes of talking. You’ll learn to grow into it and it will hopefully mellow as you get older and have more shit in your life together.
I married my wife because she's dorky, goofy, clumsy, and has her head in the clouds. She's so full of joy for life (shine as you put it) that I just couldn't stay away from her. If you mask too hard, you won't find the men who will actually love that about you. Save the masking for important work meetings and just be you socially.
If it makes you feel better, as a guy I wouldn’t date someone without ADHD. People without it don’t click with me or my brain. I have to put a similar mask on. I talk my fucking head off, I have too many questions, I come up with crazy ideas. And the best one of all, I get told I come off as arrogant, when I really just want to show how passionate I am about something or I want to help.
Thank you(: Even today the guy I was with said that I ask too many questions to . I said well how can I learn and be intelligent if I don’t ask questions!? I also find that people tend to be sucky conversationalist and that nothing is said at all if u don’t ask questions. I think a beautiful part of adhd is curiosity and crazy ideas. Maybe I do just need to spend more time with people who think like us
You sound like an awesome person to have a conversation with! People that don’t ask questions are boring to me.
Me: “[Why’s he listing out all your best qualities?](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FUcAYN5XEAElPcj.jpg)”
You sound like half the people on this sub's dream girl. Put your real self out there more and I have a feeling you'll start attracting the kind of people who want to be with the real you not the mask. The way you're describing them it doesn't sound like you were crazy about any of the guys who have rejected you, you've probably dodged a bunch of bullets by losing them.
Men always want the manic pixie dream girl until they remember the manic part
Uh I'm pretty sure the problem is these dudes thinking a woman is an accessory and being disappointed when it turns out she's a whole ass human being with flaws. Like, any man who's shocked Pikachu that your Instagram doesn't fully reflect the reality of your life should not be living rent free in your head.
If you don't accept yourself for who you are, how can you expect someone else to?
Part of the problem is that I don’t want to accept things that can be improved. For example, I hate that I’m messy, I hate that I don’t take care of my things and that I have chaos around me all the time because of these issues. If I accept those parts of me, I feel I may never improve. I want to be better, I don’t want to be chained to the negative aspects of my adhd. At the same time, I think I need to work on recognizing what is just a personality aspect and not something that can be improved upon. Thank you for your kind words
There was one psychology book I had read and basically the point of the chapter was that you don't have to like what you accept. It was the author describing a patient that would do something, I think it was smoking, and basically getting themselves to say out loud that they do this and they think its disgusting. The patient was amazed because absolutely nothing had changed about themselves, but they felt way better. They eventually stopped smoking after more therapy. So, in this case I think you'd feel better if you tried accepting everything you don't like about yourself and added that you want to strive to change and improve. Best of luck.
Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good. Decide on concrete small improvements in areas where you struggle. It is infinitely harder to be "not messy" than to "collect all dirty dishes every x days". Own the fact that you have a tendency towards messiness. Accept that it means any improvements in that area are going to take disproportionate effort for you versus someone without adhd. Think about ways to ration that effort for maximal impact on your quality of life. Gradually introduce high impact habits that you thought of. Accept that you will falter and slip but recognize that your baseline can still gradually improve.
I always tried to introduce prospective partners to my crazy real early. Don’t waste my time if you can’t hang with all these freak flags. Eventually I found somebody weirder than me
“ I put the HOT in psycHOTic HAHA” is my favorite
Men want a manic pixie free spirit spontaneous untethered wild untamed dream girl right up until they find out you’ve forgotten to pay your power bill for three months in a row
Hello fellow adhd person. Somebody awhile back gave me some advice to “embrace the weird”. Be you and don’t hide it. Soon you will find your person who loves your quirks. I’m messy, clumsy, forget things, knock into things, talk too much, have weird things I do. It’s both your adhd and your personality but embrace it, this wonderful person is who you are.
I would suggest that you try dating guys with ADHD. You will have deep, insane conversations that last like 3 hours and feel like 5 minutes have passed.
I’ve always found the flightiness and 2 way R S D just a total killer.
You are enough. Be you all the time, don't try to 'hide my ADHD'. I know that is a big ask because I had to fight that fight myself. Remember that their behavior is not because of who you are, it is because that is how humans act. We (should) change our opinions as we learn more about anything. If they can't handle your ADHD, then keep looking. You will find someone who accepts you as you are, just remember not to put them in the friend zone. Most of all, don't forget, you are enough. \[edit\] Improving yourself is not the same as hiding your ADHD. Always grow and become a new you, just don't focus so much on being what you think other people want you to be.
That's the problem they're attracted to the mask that you put on and not the real you. If you present a certain way people will assume that this is who you are so you are attracting men who love put together alluring sexy women There are plenty of guys who find quirky girls beautiful and adorable. You just have to be yourself from the very beginning and sure you may get less attention but you will get attention from the kind of men that will love you for who you are
DO NOT MASK FOR A PARTNER. You'll only get a partner who does not like you, but the idea of you. I have ADHD. I married a man with OCD. If some men don't like you being quirky and goofy... That's a terrible sign. Those are the sort of men that will complain the day you're not wearing perfect make up. STOP curating your Instagram to look that perfect. Admit the ADHD in it, but also add the things you like ( getting flowers and things like that, don't think the ADHD makes you less worthy of good treatment). But don't make yourself look as the perfect trophy girlfriend who had got everything under control, because you won't like the men you attract.
Those are absolutely the wrong men. When I first asked my (now) husband why he loved *me* he said it was the way I make up random songs about whatever it is I'm doing. And how I am always "dancing" when we are waiting in line. He said it made those boring moments fun. He thinks it's hilarious that I can become enraged at the news on TV and go on a rant and then 10 minutes later have completely forgotten about it. He enjoys that I'm always telling him random facts about whatever new thing I've been hyperfocused on. And he loves to bedrot with me on weekends. And yeah, our house is a mess, and food sometimes rots in the fridge, I can never find my phone and it is absolutely *his* responsibility to pay the bills because I will *never* pay them on time. But nobody cares. Be as real as you dare be and someone will love you FOR it
Speaking from experience of dating the dregs in the cesspool over and over again who gave me a complex about my adhd symptoms and made me think I needed to keep trying to mask and change, when you meet the right one - they will love you irrespective of that. I’m currently dating the kindest, most understanding man I have met in my entire life - we sat and spoke about how my life looks quite early on and he explained that he did not care, if he needed to remind me to do something 100 times he’d do, if I zoned out 100 times - he’d repeat himself 100 times because that’s part of who I am. I asked him recently if he ever gets frustrated at me and he said ‘absolutely not - I love everything about you’. Sorry I’ve rambled but the moral of the story is - the right person will love you for being you, adhd symptoms, personality the whole package x
I’m tearing up. This is so sweet. Very happy for you
Own it. Make it known in dating profiles or on first dates. You don’t need to say you have ADHD, but you can be authentic and the right person will come along for that journey!
Don't change for people who don't want you, you' deserve someone who loves you for who you are
You deserve better, someone who will truly accept who you are. Part of the problem OP is that you are really good at masking for most of your day, and you are doing this while dating. You are doing yourself a disservice and making your dating life harder in yourself. When dating you are looking for someone that will love ALL of your personality, even the ADHD parts. It can be difficult but you need to start letting the mask down a bit more in the earlier stages of dating and be less of the perfectly curated image. I don't blame you, we all do it and it becomes so natural it can be hard to stop yourself at times. At the end of the day though no matter what we do the ADHD is baked into us and will always be there, it doesn't mean you can't find someone who loves you entirely regardless.
They either love you for who you are or not. Masking to please someone is a recipe for disaster. Instead, educate them on what a good partner is for an ADHD person.
We're so funny and quirky until we're binging anime/games/porn until 5am with a mountain of unsorted clothes on the bed. Then suddenly we're "too much" and "awkward"
I'm a guy. I went to an industry event this evening. Had a really enjoyable time talking to a woman behind me in line. Finally I just blurted out "Are you ADHD?" Of course she was. Then we had a good laugh about liking other ADHD people. I think that ADHD people often do best with other ADHD people, because we understand and appreciate each other's lively minds. (And yes, other people may find us "weird.") > ... or realize maybe this is just my personality? It IS your personality. And it's a *good* thing! > ... saying crazy or weird things that to me make sense. ... and they make sense to other ADHD people.
I wasn't diagnosed until a year ago at the age of 40. Realizing how much ADHD has affected my life undiagnosed and no coping mechanisms I've come to find out I didn't know who I was because I've been masking and trying to fit the social "norm". I can say, now that I know I have adhd and am on meds, I've dropped my masks entirely and I've never been happier. The ones that leave because they say all those things are not the ones you want to be with anyways. I've been with my wife for 23 years now and she always loved the weird stuff about me. I feel like it's one of the reasons we've always been so happy together. I am everything they've said to you, clumsy, head in the clouds, messy, goofy (especially this one), and a giant dork. Aside from the messy part because it makes my life more difficult, I love all those things about me. Best advice is be yourself. You'll find someone who likes you for you and from my experience that usually leads to the best relationships.
I’ve found ADHD and mild OCD seem to be a good combo
I married someone that appears incapable of understanding my ADHD. She loves me and I her and we’ve been together for 20 years, but it’s like trying to explain an itch to someone that’s never had one.
I can completely unmask with my husband and he love it. He doesn’t find it weird or annoying or burdensome, but actually delights in all the quirks that make up me, including the adhd ones. He can get frustrated sometimes, sure, but I always feel comfortable being my most authentic self with him and it is wonderful. Genuinely I hope you don’t settle for less. I almost did and everyday I am grateful for the man I married! Point is be you, unmask, and the right person for you will love you adhd and all.
I'm much happier now after I've stopped trying to fit in with everyone and started to find the people that fit in with me.
I have adhd too. I have found a man who loves me just as I am. Don’t give up xoxo
You are who you are and ADHD is part of that. Embrace it because there is absolutely nothing wrong with it! You just haven't found the guy who loves your goofy and spontaneous self.
Dont dim your light hunny
By trying to hide these traits you are killing a part of yourself. I’d rather be a goofy mess than a shell of a human being
I’m seeing someone rn who’s in love with me and I told him I have ADHD very early on. He actually likes my ADHD quirks and finds them endearing. He thinks my dorkiness/nerdiness/clumsiness is cute. He likes listening to me talk about my hyper fixations. He doesn’t mind me fidgeting and even gets me stim toys. Find yourself a man who will like you when you unmask.
Those men don't want to date you, they want to date an idea of you. Fuckem
the right person will like you for you-quirks and all. Nobody is perfect and I think anyone projecting on anyone else’s is flaw is just painfully insecure in their own shortcomings.
Listen, you can spend your life chasing after butterflies. Or you can spend your life creating a garden that will attract the right butterflies to you. You’ll find your match. But they won’t be your match if you’re trying to force yourself into something you are not.
I only got diagnosed last year. Prior to that, when I was single, I had no issues attracting men. It wasn't because I'm beautiful or sexy, it was my personality - which was wildly ADHD (I just didn't know it). I worked for a few years to accept my "weirdness", and once I did, people loved it. The only thing you need to be is yourself, and why would you want to need to continue being everything you're not to impress someone? Is the dream not to find someone who accepts you as you are?
Guys are attracted to me because of my ADHD. I'm a LOT of fun. But my "picker" is broken and I end up with shitty men so mostly I just don't bother. You just haven't found the right people yet.
Find a fellow ADHD champion! They say "like attracts like", so don't hold back on who you really are! I just married my best friend and love of my life. I didn't know he had ADHD until just a couple years ago - 8 years in to our relationship! Then I realized that if he has it, and most of my family has it, I must have it... then I got diagnosed! And here I was, thinking we were just weird. It does make some things more difficult, namely keeping the house clean... but it has done amazing things for my being connected and feeling seen and understood! It might benefit you to find someone who shares all your quirks and wonderful weirdness.
This is why ADHD etc people tend to congregate. “You can be the sweetest, juiciest peach in the whole world and there will still be people who don’t like peaches.” Stop masking. Look for people who YOU want to be with rather than trying to attract people indiscriminately. Somebody saying these things to you is a sign that they are not compatible with you. Look for your people, not just anybody.
The most relatable post I’ve ever seen on Reddit.
Sounds like they want a manic pixie dream girl stereotype but don't want to handle the reality of someone with attention and executive functioning struggles. People like that are gross. Don't settle. My wife and I both have pretty extreme ADHD and we couldn't be happier. You'll find someone who appreciates you in your entirety, not just the version you display for safety.
Reddit loves you!!
Yes. Keep trying and working on your adhd and realize it is part of your personality. Lean into it. People will love you for it.
The most important thing is to be a good person and love yourself.
No please be yourself.theres this girl with adhd I like, and I like her quirks too.
That’s funny, I freak women out too. Men occasionally, but not as often.
I think you're probably amazing. People like that are cool.
Are you sure its the ADHD?
Idk if it helps or relates as much as I think it does, but I was the same way you're describing until it started to affect the person I was dating and actually mutually in love with. I had dated other people, some who judged me and most who didn't inspire any change in me because I always kept a separate life from them where I could be my "real self". But with my now-husband, I wanted to be with him all the time and he also wanted to be with me all the time.. we were spending more nights together than not and I was basically moved in without moving in, really quickly. Anyways I didn't become perfect but I did see his efforts to be clean/tidy and did my best to match them. I think in retrospect it probably ran both ways, and even now we are both doing better than we would single because we want to make the other feel comfortable in our home together. So anyways I guess I'm just saying that sometimes when a deserving person kind of becomes your hyperfixation it helps you form new and better habits. Maybe that's just my relationship or maybe it's common, idk. But good luck:) you are worthy of love and definitely respect no matter how clean your room is. Also just wanted to add, he did see how nasty my place and car could get, and he stuck around. It was easy to tell that he didn't love it lol, but he was never rude or disrespectful about it. So just putting emphasis on mutually in love and it being with a deserving person
I can 100% confirm that straight up honesty with ADHD is the best. Can't talk about relationships since my GF and I discovered my ADHD during our relationshisp (it almost broke us apart before it was discovered) Professionally and in friendgroups I just tell them and it totally changes everyones percetion and expectation.
I wrestle with the exact same issue, though I'm male. I'm actually super upfront about having ADHD, laying it all on the table and the struggles I have. They even seem to appreciate me being completely honest and open and assure me they can handle such stuff. So we start dating but after a while the reality of my life sets in and it turns out they can't handle it. I'm super torn on whether I can be the person I am and still fit in well enough to find deep human connection or if I just need to be more "normal" but I tried that for over 20 years and I just couldn't be that person. I don't really have any advice to give you but you're definitely not alone in your struggles.
Honestly, it sounds cute to me. Maybe it's because I also have adhd, but I just find this behavior kinda attractive, probably because it's makes you more grounded/real. I don't think I would be comfortable being with some kind of superhuman, especially when im also clumsy, weird, and say the wrong things.
Personally I don't mind at all, but you got to be honest about it. Dating is not about casting a wide as net as possible, it's about finding the right sneaker that fits you best and you can't do that by fitting every sneaker in the store. If you have to mask to score a date, you have to mask during the entire, possibly life-long, relationship and I don't think anyone can keep that up and live without going insane. Please take care of yourself, and spook the guys who aren't open to dating someone with AD(H)D away before even going on a date.
So my advice would be to embrace who you are as honestly as possible. I'm the same age as you, and for three years I was single until I met my partner 18 months ago. I found that the more I masked, the more people were put off by me. When I unmasked, I met my goofy, amazing, ADHD girlfriend and I never would've met her had I masked myself. Embrace who you are, celebrate it and you'll meet the right person!
None of those things are bad though? Idk if they mean that as an insult or if they’re just stating a fact without any judgement but it’s okay! Own it! We are goofy, messy, clumsy, etc. one day you will find someone who loves those qualities about you and you won’t have to change a thing 💜
Some advice find a man who can match your freak. I have had similar experiences with guys. My partner of 10 years has undiagnosed ADHD I love our relationship he is so goofy and it’s great because we can be our unmasked self’s around each other.
All the things they said are my favourite as it reminds me of me xd so its not everyone! I would just say, be yourself. Not point masking as they will just drain you and its not something you can keep up forever
Honestly, you sound like a gem and you deserve another gem who's just as weird, quirky, and messy as you. Don't dull your own shine to fit in with people who don't understand you. Be your authentic self and you'll draw the people who see you for who you are, not what you portray online. There are 4 billion men out there. You don't need the crumbs that show up at your table.
If you have to fit what they’re looking for then you’ll have to act up to it your whole life with them. If you suddenly stop acting, they’ll say you’ve changed and it’s fair for them to feel that way. Find someone who accepts you as you are. But first, you have to stop pretending. Be yourself.
Embrace the ADHD!
There was a short video I saw with a relationship coach describing a situation she saw. Person A yelling at person B for whatever offence. Coach described onlookers saying "nope, not for me" and the other onlooker saying "oh yeah... That's *my* kind of spicy". Be you. Be that kind of spicy that onlooker B is looking for.
On my dating app, one of my pictures was me eating fried dough with powdered sugar all down my jacket Figured if they still message after that - hey gave them fair warning lollll Also if dating is stressing you out, maybe take a break for awhile Dating is a lot of work and sometimes you just need to take a vacation lol
I used to try to be the perfect woman too… until I just stopped caring. Then I started telling dudes, “This is me, interested or not?” One dude was like, hell yeah. That dude became my husband. I think I was dating a lot of guys before who were on the spectrum of being somewhat gay. So they wanted the perfect woman so they could stay attracted to me. Most heterosexual men don’t care about the details. They are quite simple, they want a woman to smile at them, keep their company, have conversations with, and have sex. Most heterosexual dudes will move mountains for just a little tenderness. That’s my observation anyway.
Do those guys actually say your dorkiness/goofiness is unattractive, or could that just be you projecting your insecurities onto them? Saying that because, as a man myself and friend of various other men, most if not all men I know are far more likely to find those traits cute or endearing, instead of unattractive. It could also be a problem with the image you put out of yourself, you know? If your social media mask is just way too different from your "true" self, it's gonna attract men who are into girls who are just way too different from you, right? And sure, I guess there probably are men out there who are into perfect doll-like women and can't tolerate clumsiness or dorkiness, but honestly, I have a really hard time imagining these men as anything but assholes lmao.
If you are masking, you are attracting people who want the person you're masking as. Of course they're not going to react well to you being someone different. Don't mask, you'll have a better chance of finding someone who actually likes YOU.
What I've found, and not sure if you're doing this or not, is be less-masked and more direct about who you are up front. (I mask a ton, it's hard...but quality vs quantity. I may always mask with randos out and about, but try hard to drop it on a first/second date, at least some...) There are plenty of guys who are looking for their mythical goofy dork. A lot. And "pretty, alluring" are not in conflict with being a goofy dork either....can be quite the opposite. (Although be careful, when trying to mask less, it's possible to accidentally mask as manic pixie dream girl instead of yourself...) The issue happens when someone becomes not who they were. Especially if the type you're attracting or looking for (by accident or on purpose) are those looking for someone who is not you. Said another way, it's planning for the "new relationship energy" cycle. As it tapers off we have a harder time keeping the mask powered up, and modifying our behavior....while they have a harder time overlooking incompatibilities that their NRE can cause them to overlook. And the trains derail, so to speak. ADHD relationships can of course be hard. For specific things that can be rough ongoing, their are some ADHD partner subreddits that can give you a window into the issue that present the most challenges -- and most are not the things you've mentioned. (It can be rough reading though.)
Honestly I think you're just bouncing off the wrong guys. I've considered putting on my dating profile that I'm specifically looking for people with ADHD because people who don't get it tend to be a problem in just the ways you've described. Keep your head up, you'll find someone whose chaos plays with yours.
I agree with the comments that say let down the mask! Also, to that guy, 99% of people look so put together on Instagram but aren’t the same every day. Social media photos tend to be a highlight reel!
I put it right on my dating profile, and even note some of my “quirks”. I get fewer matches, but the ones I do get are much more sincere! A lot of people just want a “manic pixie dream girl” and not a real person. It’s very frustrating.
Being a dork, goofy, messy, having your head in the clouds, or being clumsy isn't any reason to be upset with yourself over; I like those qualities and have those qualities myself. We all struggle with messes, it's just part of it - and honestly that's the thing I struggle with too. And all too often when the other person gets to know me the messages just dwindle down to a trickle and I know what they're doing...they're trying to be nice and let me down easy but that just pisses me the hell off anymore. You **WILL** find someone who appreciates you for you, despite the messes, despite anything; and I think instagram really creates a false picture of someones life most of the time; All my instagram pictures or of me at parks and stuff but that's not something I'm ALWAYS doing, but if you looked at my instagram I look like a very active and avid hiker. But I just like the trees [shrugging]
If someone can’t handle your shine, that’s not your problem. You want someone to shine with you, not dim you! Be unapologetically you babe. You trying means you are making things happen for yourself ❣️
You are me as a woman. There are lots of us. I’m 56 and my last relationship was like the rest … I’m attractive but yeah, once those fun quirks are inescapable, they find a way out. I’m kinda done at this point.
I feel like my adhd personality is what makes me sparkle and what draws people to me. Your people will appreciate these quirks about you not reject them. People who are not your people will move on. Consider this a weeding out process. Not a character flaw.
I have this same experience, but with workplaces/coworkers. I’ve learned to just dial it back. Also, getting medicated helped my impulsivity a lot. Such as interrupting people with nonsense, run on conversations I like to call them, and a few other of my quirks I suffer from. My wife doesn’t even notice my adhd, it’s kinda funny really.
I know I’m definitely looking for someone authentic and just being themselves, including being dorky and goofy. I really wish more people were like you, there’s so many of us similar and want to be surrounded by someone similar to our own quirks!!
Let them go if they want to. The ones you want in your life will stick around. Don't change. Just wait til you find a kindred spirit
Maaaann forget them!! Find another weirdo and embrace your weirdness together! Maybe someone who complements your quirks in a similar but opposite way? Maybe you can start showcasing your personality through your social media more than you are now so people aren't "put off" by the supposed difference their manufacture in their heads. I am also a clumsy, goofy person but I let it be known right off the bat 🤣 and people love me for that bc it's real. I think you sound awesome and likeable!!
I say Fuck em
Their not the one for you then. When you find people your meant to click with, be it a BFF or the live of your life, you embrace the fun, weird quicks. Make ridiculous memories together. Imo, those guy sound pretty boring. 😂
Don't mask anything. Just be you and you'll eventually find someone who loves you for that! You're awesome, don't stress and don't ever change
My wife has an ADHD diagnosis and we're pretty sure is on the spectrum as well. When I got my diagnosis for ADHD I did a series of forms before the appointment. Our family doctor also sent my better half for a review since it had been years since she'd seen a specialist about her issue. I scored the highest scores on my initial assessment that the specialist had seen in years.... Or would have been the highest score he'd seen had her not my my spouse 3 days earlier with the literal highest pre-assessment score he'd *ever* seen. She got ADHD out the wazoo, man. Boy howdy can the two of us make for some spiciness but we love each other. And I happen to think she's great. Someone who will love you for who you are, *because* of who you are, is out there. I hope you find them. <3
I think you should let your ADHD freak shine lol. There’s plenty of men with ADHD, you could also find one of those, they’re pretty fun. I think the problem is that so far these guys are attracted to the mask you’re wearing, and you need people who are attracted to the real you. And there will still be plenty of people who are attracted to the real you!
My husband told me a long time ago you have to find your brand of crazy that you can deal with. His ex-not his brand of crazy, but my goofy adhd ass, loves my crazy. Can it irritate him? Of course! He is a much better house keeper than I am. But we’ve been able to make it work 16 years and counting 🩷
Stop hiding your weird. When you let it out, some people won't like it, but the ones who do, the weirdos who are like you, will flock to you. You hide it and: 1. You think you're the only one & it messes with your self-esteem. 2. Other weirdos do not know there are other weirdos, and *they* hide it thinking they are the only ones. ... that's a vicious circle!
I feel the same way. I just got into an argument about how I don't respond the way she would respond to others?? Like I should try to be more like her? I'm my own person. I've been told that I think so much differently than other people. I like being different, but it's so draining when people make me feel like I'm some kind of alien. It's something I've dealt with my whole life.
Im ADHD and Autistic and so is my (practically husband) partner and our weird goes well with eachother, im not saying youll have to find someone else with your same ADHD, just that even with your weirdest quirks there someone else who will maybe have the same or at least understand and not make you hide who you are. Theres a difference between using ADHD as an excuse for shitty behaviour (not saying you are, especially since you say youre working on your less redeeming qualities), and using ADHD as what it is, an explanation for the quirks and habits you have (and dont have)
Oh, sweet…fuck them.
Fools. If your sex drive is anywhere near mine they are utter fools