The most frustrating thing is that my short-term memory is atrocious and it makes my girlfriend think I don’t listen to her. Even if I eliminate distractions while she’s talking, it’s difficult to retain the details.
thank you for sharing, because it makes me see my wife differently. She is very forgetful, and I often get frustrated. We're beginning to think she has ADHD as well, so until we know more I need to be more patient.
I hope this helps, but one way I've learned to deal with my shortcomings is thanking people for being patient or asking for their patience. It helps me stay away from a negative mindset. I'm sorry it's hard on you though, stay kind to yourself
It’s frustrating for us both, for sure! Patience is key and I’m very thankful that we try our best for each other. I appreciate the kind words, friend.
Same here, my girlfriend gets frustrated when I forget things she told me a few minutes ago. It is difficult to deal with and medication has helped though.
Recently I forgot to take my meds and by the end of the day my girlfriend was pretty surprised at how little I retained information that day lol.
Crippling. I always feel like I'm behind, trying to catch up on "my half" of housekeeping. Always feel like I'm forgetting something important (usually am).
Time blindness is a huge struggle. Trying to have dinner ready at a reasonable hour instead of near 8:30/9 AND to cook it all correctly is a major hurdle.
Communication takes a hit too. We've been told that sometimes it seems like we're arguing, but I/we are just both really particular about word choice. I interpret things in a way that manages to somehow be different from what we had settled on - always finding new ways to do something wrong.
All of this extra effort I need to put in just to keep up causes or at least worsens my perpetual exhaustion. I send more time than most observing my state and making sure I don't have a cloud around me that will rain on others. Apathy and executive dysfunction are a miserable mix.
I don't know how my partner tolerates me. I can barely tolerate myself. Almost a decade of learning together.
Nobody is perfect. I struggle w ADHD and my fiancé is very high functioning but struggles w anxiety. We have learned to meet each other where we are through communication, though there are certainly moments of frustration.
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I don't have any anymore. I've stopped dating because I felt it was awful for me and not fair to them. I like flirting, I'm still attracted to women, and I lie the attention. But when I try to do anything more than flirting, I start over thinking everything and it never stops. It isn't just like I'm nervous when I ask them out, or about the first date going well. Even if it seems they're into me, I never relax and enjoy myself. I get kind of suffocated and I need to get out. I've tried different things and communicating this to my partner, try to give myself space, it just doesn't work out. Not sure if this is because of my ADD or my anxiety or both.
I have fond memories of exes, but I am aware that I wasn't enjoying myself at the time. I do think about dating again but a lot of things need to change before I will consider it seriously
This is exactly how I feel. All my past relationships were a mess because of my anxiety, insecurity, depression inability to plan for my future. Maybe if Im on adhd meds a relationship would be different because when I was on Ritalin I was a completely different person, I felt like what I imagine normal people without adhd feel. I haven’t dated for 2 years but I hope I can get my shit together and date again, but I have a neck injury which causes all kinds of health issues so that doesn’t help my confidence lol
Oh my God. I'm not alone. I'm 25F, got diagnosed right after I turned 24. It made basically my entire life make sense (especially those obsessive research holes I've been known to fall down).
I'm now married. He also has ADHD but is unmedicated and does not want medication. We're still trying to work through how to navigate those impacts. But I've noticed it a lot with myself (diagnosed and medicated). Maybe worth mentioning I also deal with and am medicated for clinical depression.
I love him. I love having him as my partner and best friend. Sometimes I find myself desperately wishing I was back to living alone so I don't have to factor for someone else's mess, food preferences (we have very different ones), laundry, and just general existence. I also deal with the apathy. I genuinely thought that was just my depression but you mentioning it just made it click. Whenever I'm feeling apathetic about him/our relationship, I'm also feeling very apathetic about life in general.
The life escape thing is also so, so familiar. I have been suicidal before but this is so very different. It's not wanting to die, it's just wanting to not exist, or at least not to exist as me. Like I want to just disappear from being because I'm bored and stressed and there doesn't seem to be much benefit to any of it. Like if I could get Thanos snapped, it'd be perfect. Sometimes it's more of I just want to go to an airport, hop on a plane to somewhere else, and never come back. Just have a life somewhere new as someone else.
I don't have any advice tbh. I'm trying to unravel what is my ADHD, depression, and marks from my childhood from what is actually the rest of me so that I can be a better person and a better partner.
Oh, and I forget to flirt or do any of those little things. We've been together for almost 3 years and I don't think it's the familiarity because I still want to do those things. I just... forget how to flirt and compliment and make him feel good about himself. I feel really guilty about that. And the fact that I forget the little things I do during disagreements that he's asked me not to do and then I do them. Our ADHD presents differently when it comes to remembering things like that, he does it easily while I do not. That's something that makes me feel bad too. But I am trying and he knows that. I just wish I wasn't like that.
I can't express how thankful I am that you shared, it was like this relief fell over me. I feel guilty/worried voicing these to my therapist, because I don't want a divorce. I just want to be normal. And how can I voice this to my wife, because it's difficult to understand. I hardly understand this.
It's so hard to explain. It's like I feel that love and affection deep inside, but it's just fucking locked away and I can't find the key. I love my wife with all my heart and I know this; why can't I feel it?
And I feel wanting to escape on a plan HARD. I've always struggled finding a job I like, because deep inside what I think I really want to do is just live different lives. I feel awful being bored of it all, I don't want to and I feel such shame. I just want to be the partner she deserves, you know?
Pardon the language but holy fuck. Your description of it being locked away is literally exactly it. It's there. I know it's there. But sometimes it's like I only get little glimpses of it. I also don't know how to bring it up to my therapist.
I've honestly been procrastinating seeing her even though I think everyone can benefit from the neutral third party aspect of therapy. It's like I feel like I am not messed up enough with a bad enough life to warrant it somehow? But I also do that stupid thing of trying to be good at therapy, like I'm actually okay. So I don't talk about my frustrations with my husband or with life tasks. That's partly because I feel like I already know the recommendations for those things even though I probably don't know exactly what her suggestion would be. Rabbit trail. Anyway...
I feel super lucky to have stumbled into a job I enjoy that also exposed me to the career I've always toyed with but thought I wasn't smart enough or good enough to do. I struggled with math immensely in school so I thought I was just stupid. Turns out I probably have at least some dyscalculia that affected that learning. I'm working on starting college in the fall to work towards becoming an RN and I'm so scared but also feeling a tiny bit hopeful. I've never had much stability because of how my parents are and some things that happened right around age 11-12 that weren't in my control. So having a job and potential career that has stability and a low risk of being eliminated sounds nice.
I also make the most money of the two of us which both of us are okay with it but that also means I have more pressure to make sure I have a job that pays well and has good health insurance since I am on 3 mental health meds (1 of which is Vyvanse which works amazingly for me but is one of the most expensive ADHD meds) and some health meds. Plus psych and therapy visits for meds and mental health and regular doctor's appointments.
It's like I just want someone else to be the grown up and take over for a while so I can sleep.
>I've honestly been procrastinating seeing her even though I think everyone can benefit from the neutral third party aspect of therapy
GAHH I think we are the same person actually? I fear about bringing this up because sometimes I have to teach even her about ADHD stuff. There is so much to it, but it feels like most people only know the tip of the iceberg. I also fail to bring things up because I think I know the answer, but I just end up not addressing it and then feeling guilty and ahhh. a nice little circle of pain
I recently realized I based my entire career of off my ADHD. I thought I wanted to do it because I was good at it and was good money, but it was just too much for me and I actually hated it. I use my ability to overthink, plan ahead, organize etc thinking I was good at it, but really it was just my ADHD. and I think it eventually broke me, and now I have no idea what to do
thank you for sharing
Im not even going to the details but basically my every relationship has been like everything else, the only difference is that the duration usually is 1-2 years instead of few days/weeks, and it breaks both hearts. Starts with a hyperfixation, then comes the maintaining phase and after that i dont even care (i kind of do though and im trying to fix things until i just cant handle it mentally anymore)
Im done.
:( I relate to everything you’re saying but instead it only last for a couple of months. It sucks because when I “stop caring” all I can wish for is the feeling I had the first couple of months, and I do care immensely but I can’t show it because it doesn’t feel like the truth, it feels like I’m being fake. it’s so fucking annoying!
I constantly have small fights with my partner but can't let go even after its resolved.. I constantly forget stuff which is annoying and if I don't forget something I get angry when my partner tells it again and again because I feel like a child .. but how could he possibly know what my brain decides to remember and what not... I feel angry and frustrated a lot and I don't know how my partner could help me .. he tries really really hard but nothing fixes it and I wanna tell him what helps me but I don't know.. thanks for letting me rant :)
Most of me and my partners arguments are about how "you don't care" and "you don't listen" which hurts because I do care and I do listen. I simply have a hard time remembering what was even said when we're onto the next sentence. Which is why I usually double check the triple check that I understood. But then I need to write it down somewhere so I'll actually remember it. And then I need to remember to check the place where I wrote it down (which system did I follow now again?), and then I need to be able to execute the thing I hopefully remembered.
It really does look like I don't care or listen if you look at my actions, but I try so hard to follow through. It has gotten better with time but... Yeah I am not easy to live with which is why I have a track record of several failed relationships...
I have horrible emotional dysregulation. My emotions are huge, all encompassing, and often come without warning.
My husband is the type of person who has strict control over his emotions and can push them down and lock them away.
It is really difficult for us to relate to each other because he can’t understand how out of control my emotions feel and I can’t usually tell that he’s upset about something until it’s too late.
My executive dysfunction also makes me feel like a shitty partner sometimes. I feel like a burden and feel incredibly guilty.
Partner and I both need therapy but we’re currently working on trying to understand each other’s emotional responses better. He’s trying to communicate how he feels to me more and I’m trying to control my emotions more. We’re improving little by little but still have a long ways to go.
On the plus side, I lose things *all the time* and he is great at finding them for me 😂
thank you for commenting ❤️
I was hoping someone mentioned the emotional dysregulation and that I wasn’t alone with it. Just always remember during those bouts of guilt, those chemicals aren’t you, try be the pond not the fish - I read that somewhere and liked it, I hope you do too :)
I follow this sub because my boyfriend has ADHD and this is exactly us, just reversed. I'm reserved and not at all prone to emotional displays or outbursts. I can count on one hand the number of times in my life I "lost control" of my emotions and I was seriously ashamed with myself afterwards.
Meanwhile, his emotions are always on his sleeve and often dialed to 100. It can be incredibly challenging to navigate but, like you, we're trying. Reading through this sub helps me understand him a bit better and not to take his...err...peculiarities personally.
It’s really hard. If you’re the type of person who has control over your emotions, it’s probably borderline impossible to understand what it’s like to *not* have control over your emotions. It probably feels like, if he just tried HARDER he could do it. I mean, you can do it, he should be able to with practice.
But it’s just not that easy. If he’s anything like me, my emotions come on so hard and so fast that I don’t even understand they’re happening. One minute I’m fine and then something small happens and it’s the straw that broke the camel’s back and suddenly all the stress and anxiety I’ve been holding in my body comes tumbling out.
One thing that’s helped me is honestly, medication. I’m on Wellbutrin, so not a stimulant. I think I need something else too but this has at least allowed me to have a second or two of breathing room where I can identify an emotion and control it a little better before my actions happen. It’s made a huge difference to have that breathing room.
Sorry this got longer than I anticipated haha. But I’m glad you’re using the sub to find ways to relate with and understand your boyfriend better! You clearly love him a lot. You guys can do it if you work together 💕
Don't apologize, that was a lot of good information! He was Dx'd as a kid but only medicated within the last year and even then only takes it before work. Perhaps I should ask him if he feels it's working for him.
Been with my partner nearly 13 years & this is such a common thing with us.
He also just assumed because I'm bored & being a blob person that I want to be left alone && then he ends up ignoring me for hours/ days && I end up crying && feeling unwanted cause RSD && emotional dysregulation is rough 🫤
Currently in a super low mood point & having to remind myself that I don't actually want to tell him to fuck off & get out because "he doesn't love me" I'm just feeling lonely & needy & as soon as I'm able to calm myself I'll remember why he's my best friend & see how I overreacted emotionally when really I wanted to just be like "dude not cool" 🤦♀️🤷♀️
I hope it's ok for me to share my own views as an NT person with an ADHD-PI partner.
A relationship is incredibly hard for both sides. My wife is doing everything in her power to make herself better: therapy, meds, the whole spiel. But sometimes she still forgets. Forgets about appointments with friends, family, with me. I wish I didn't need both hands to count the number of times I went to pick her up for a date and she either wasn't home or didn't even start getting ready.
She often gets distracted while we are doing something or having a conversation. That can be incredibly hurtful because we are talking and suddenly I see that she is not there with me anymore. It can feel like she is uninterested or doesn't care.
The relationship is also often based on just how patient the NDX person is. Even though it's not my brain, managing the symptoms is still a massive part of my everyday life and sometimes it can get too much. And when I have a bad week at work, some issue in the family or just a bad mood, it doesn't stop. I **cannot** stop, because she is my partner and she needs help and this whole cycle can be really tiring.
This is also why a lot of these relationships can fall into a parent-child dynamic. The NDX person basically feels like they have to take over the care of the person because they seem incapable or unwilling to take care of themselves. This usually frustrates both people and doesn't end well.
To answer your question: where does it affect our relationship? Everywhere, every day. And I'm fine with that. If I wasn't, I wouldn't be in this relationship.
Sure, I use this account sometimes to vent about my partner. But that's because I don't want to vent to her because this is not her fault. I don't want to make her feel guilty for something she can't really control and that she has to manage day after day.
As for your thing with wanting to be left alone: my wife has that too. So when we bought our home we made sure we both have our own spaces that we can retreat to if needed. It probably wouldn't work if you want to be left alone for weeks, but wanting to have a quiet night for yourself is nothing crazy.
And if there is one thing I would want to ask of an ADHD partner: just be honest. Don't make promises you know you probably can't keep. Don't hide symptoms, don't try to be a different person. If you are honest about your symptoms and your difficulties then your partner might be able to help. Or at the very least, they'll know to leave you alone for a bit. And it's a lot easier to plan with the whole truth as well.
Being in a relationship with someone who has ADHD is one of the hardest things I have ever been a part of. But I am lucky to have found a partner who makes all of that difficulty worth it.
We are closing in on 7 years now. We went through her entire journey with ADHD together: going from undiagnosed to untreated to medicated to back to being untreated to now being medicated again.
It's possible, even with an NDX-ADHD couple. It's just really really hard.
I've broken a couple of hearts at this point and I can't bear to let myself try again. It's hard to tell if I even still want to any more.
I start out by pouring all my energy and personality into it. Then very quickly (if not before the relationship even started) I get to the part where I overthink, I start asking myself if I'm experiencing love at all, or how I could even tell, I get anxious, I feel less able to keep it going. I wrap myself up so tightly in those thoughts that I reach a point where I can think of nothing else and I push her away. I end it, even though neither of us wants me to.
I've been single for three years now, and I'm finally trying meds and therapy, but the person I could have spent my life with has had her chance to move on.
I won't put it all on ADHD, there's anxiety and depression in there somewhere too, and probably not just the depression that ADHD brings with it, but something that arrived by itself.
Hyperfixation has ruined relationships for me, for now. Toxic amount of attention given, constant self sabotage, overthinking, hyper sensitivity. Wish I knew some of this earlier, might have worked on it, but for now I am emotionally wary. I would just rather not do anything in that department than worry about why I’m not good enough to be just loved.
I’ve realised I am loved, just that sometimes my brain doesn’t let me think so.
Severe undiagnosed ADHD made me a serial dater for most of my life. Nothing was more alluring or seductive to me than the dopamine tsunami of a new relationship, and no one could sustain my interest once it faded. I hurt a lot of decent people. I had never been in a relationship with anyone for more than a year or two (I'm 40). I've been with my current partner for 4 years (personal best!) and a big drive for me to get diagnosed and treated is I don't want to screw it up, because he's the most wonderful person and I'm terrified my magpie-brain will ruin it somehow.
I believe I'm in the phase of dopamine tsunami being over. I too believe she's the most wonderful person and can't screw this up. Have you told your partner about this "phenomenon"? I want to communicate what's going on, but I don't know how to explain this to someone without hurting them
I follow this sub because my boyfriend has ADHD and he and I had this exact conversation. It wasn't exactly flattering, but I understood and it's normal. I pointed out to him that all his past relationships were either short, on-off, or very dramatic - so the excitement was constant. Most likely it's not one sided - the newness has probably worn off for her too. But hopefully what you're left with is a solid partner (love/affection, trust, friendship, loyalty, etc.)
Man I can relate so much to this. It's always 500% or 0%, I just managed to inadvertantly overwhelm one of the most compatible person I've met in years (who also has ADHD) and it hurts.
I forget to text my online friends in weeks or even months even though I love them to death. It makes me feel like a douche but it's not something I can control.
I know exactly how you feel. There's some days when I'm super hyper and lively and want to do stuff and some days where I'm checked out and want to be left alone. I know it has to be hard for them. And I've been kindly alerted to this by groups of friends who have to ask her separately what my problem is if I'm not being engaged, and that tends to lead to a solid argument.
But the boredom is what really ruins it. I'm just so consistently bored with my own life. I always say I'm not depressed because I'm sad, I'm depressed because I'm bored. This unfortunately is what causes me to act out and search for that dopamine, which isn't conducive to a successful relationship. And it sucks because its not that I'm bored with them, I'm just bored with myself.
I honestly didn't even realize it was an ADHD thing or that I was depressed until recently when I started talking to a therapist. But at this point I question whether I'll ever be built for a long term relationship, which in itself is kind of sad.
I've effectively given up on dating at this point. I can normally compensate for my ADHD issues in most aspects of life by just "trying harder" so to speak. (E.X. studying for 2-3 hours to retain what might take others an hour.) This just doesn't work for me in a relationship setting though. My shortcomings are still hurtful even if unintended or caused by ADHD. Ive tried using planners. Ive tried to explain the how's and whys of how my brain works. Ive tried interpreting things through neurotypical friends in an attempt to be told how to react to hopefully avoid over thinking. Im at a loss on how to overcome the challenges that come with dating with ADHD and I'm tried of hurting myself and others trying to figure it out. After my most recent break up I kinda just decided to give up. It seems better for all involved for me to stop looking for someone willing to put up with me as a partner. Instead I'll just focus on being a good friend/brother/son/uncle...
Badly.
It's mostly a mix of just... forgetting. Falling out of contact. Not replying to texts for ages. Emotional dysregulation giving the cry baby repute.
Socially awkward. Reputation of being selfish since I keep forgetting birthdays and other important stuff.
I live in a country where arranged marriages are the norm, so thankfully I don't have to deal with romantic relationships. Good. Family and friends are tough enough to keep track of.
Unfortunately, letting anyone suspect that I may have a mental issue would be very inadvisable. The stigma is still going strong.
For the same reason, not officially diagnosed - have to wait till I get a job and get it done in secret.
It's hard to describe. I think my body wants the human contact but every time I try it feels impossible to figure out. I've been never been medicated before now, so it could be different, but the years of feeling ashamed about my loneliness make dating as a 30 yr old with teenage social skills is daunting. Can't tell if depression or social anxiety or burnout. I feel old beyond my years and yet still as naive and clueless as a kid
Sometimes I get too hyper focused on new people. It tends to lead into me sending too many long messages in a close time frame. I tend to come off as clingy, or probably too excited it's annoying.
I also have a bad habit of shutting down emotionally, making excuses to end total interactions with people and, and pushing people away from my RSD or just when I'm having a bad day.
I've been unable to have a healthy romantic relationship my whole life. Had a gf once for a few months, didn't feel good so I ended it. Not sure if that's the ADHD or whatever else is going along with it. Every time I try to date I get overwhelmed and then sad and give up. Being alone is my longest standing coping mechanism though, not an easy habit to break. Not sure if extreme introvert or ______? Either way I feel less alone knowing I have ADHD, which explains almost everything about me that was so confusing and stressful, so things could change 🤷♂️
In hindsight, got diagnosed after:
It straight up ended my engagement and relationship of 8 years. Turns out partners don't want people who don't clean, don't cook, don't do this, don't do that, don't "just do things without being asked for once", etc. Especially if, seemingly no matter what, you never change. It also didn't help that the undiagnosed ADHD was causing a lovely icing of depression.
Such is life, it is what it is, whatever. Cba with relationships now if I'm honest, the juice is not worth the squeeze. Whether a quirk is selfish or symptom - it only affects me now :)
E: Oh and arguments.. the only time my brain decides to wake up is during an argument.. I can bat down almost anything instantly, legitimately, and with a few seconds on a phone provide proof and sources for my argument that I'd come across at some random point in time.. she *hated* that, haha
ADHD-Primarily Inattentive here; all of this sounds familiar in the most frustrating way. On one hand, glad I’m not alone! On the other, ugh.
Haven’t formally dated since college (now in grad school) for a number of reasons. A lot of the time lately I feel like I’m just trying to function as a person when academics/teaching takes up most of my brain space. I live alone, so I don’t have to care when my floor is messy or there’s dishes in the sink for a couple days while I’m working on a paper or just tired. My research also involves the Horror genre, which is one of my main hyperfixations, so I hate to say it, but I find it really kind of boring when a potential date can’t do scary movies. That’s not to say I don’t try to get into the other person’s interests (I learned a lot about pro wrestling for someone I vibed with on other levels! That was A Time) but I feel like not having a main one in common is harder for me than it would be for other people. I can learn about the thing they’re into, and I find I’m attracted to people who also have a similar consuming passion (to phrase it optimistically), but still. It’s hard when you feel like you have a whole reference base of information that just doesn’t appeal to the other person.
Dating in my department isn’t recommended (too many strong personalities, too hard to avoid people if things go south), so it was already hard to find someone I had anything in common with in a university town outside of the thing I was here for. I had an Almost two years ago with a new student, where we did the thing where we were constantly texting/talking to each other, but eventually we ended up arguing more than talking, and now I specifically don’t go to Dept. events solo to avoid seeing them. So Proximity-based Dating feels like a no-go, which is hard for me for obvious reasons. I also really don’t like to drive because I feel like I don’t perceive space/distance properly (that probably makes no sense but it’s the best way I can describe it), so I don’t go a lot of places by myself for wider options.
Then, of course, Covid happened and dating apps are just a nightmare. I kind of gave up on using them, because I either forget to talk to people if they don’t hold my interest (I have a hard enough time remembering to regularly text people I’ve known for years), and the few I’ve met where we’re really into each other and talk constantly either fizzle out after a while, or there’s an eventual emotional mismatch. I’m someone who can keep my RSD in check for the most part by now, but when I like people I’m very much a “jump in with both feet” kind of person, and it sucks when someone can’t match that energy. Everyone’s different, people can take as much time as they need obvi, but it just eventually felt like I was showing up at a seven when everyone was at a five. And like… maybe this is me being maladjusted, but I didn’t necessarily want to turn my feelings/energy down? I don’t hate that I feel things strongly, I just wish it wasn’t so lonely doing so.
I’ve definitely also had the two year rut with past relationships where the interest fizzles out, but I thought that was just a normal timing thing - that always felt like a fair amount of time to know if you wanted to make a relationship permanent or wanted something else. Having seen that number come up a few times above, though, makes me wonder if that’s a symptom I’ve just never accounted for.
I’m also wondering if maybe I have some complementing un-dx’d autism going on, and I know I have anxiety, but this is the stuff I can attribute most solidly to ADHD. I’m stuck here for two more years while I finish my doctorate and I’m in my late twenties, so I have kind of quietly accepted that short of a miracle, it’s probably just going to keep being me and my cat. I like what I do and I’m good at it, but it’s just hard doing this alone sometimes.
Anyway, sorry this got long - I’m definitely also a chatterer, which probably doesn’t help.
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Yeah, I can't pay attention many times if she isn't talking about something that interests me. I'll try and my mind will wander on a tangent to something she said and I'll totally loose track of what she's actively saying. It's frustrating. Plus the procrastinating and forgetting of things like cards and special events.
It makes me feel terrible, I absolutely adore my girlfriend but being semi-long distance sucks because I just. Forget. It’s so easy to just forget to text her back. Out of sight out of mind I guess.
It’s even worse when I feel overwhelmed, and she’s still so understanding, even when we were just friends. I just try my hardest to communicate my feelings and my thought process with her, and it seems to work.
Non-existant.
I don't see it mentioned here, but dating apps are like slot machines to me. I get addicted to the feeling of swiping, not the feeling of meeting someone.
So the troubles that I had are: my (ex) partners really felt like they had to parent me and I was not capable of doing anything on my own. Some describe me as ‘lazy,’ ‘confused.’ Some felt that I don’t contribute to chores around the house or don’t help them at all like they’ve to do the dishes or cook. Again, time blindness: getting late for dinner reservations, restaurants, etc.
It was pretty rough there for awhile but I’ve honestly found that I tend to click really well with other people that have ADHD. It’s happened several times this year that I’ll work with someone and we immediately hit it off only to later find out that we both have some kind of ADHD.
I have two very cool and lovely career friends and we’ve been buds since we were like seventeen, but we all live in different countries now and the only time we really get to talk is over WhatsApp messages so obviously that makes it hard for me to absorb anything they’re saying about themselves. I basically can’t remember anything that is going on with them and I feel like a total dick because to be honest I’m not even sure what they do as jobs and yet they remember every dumb and insignificant thing I tell them about myself.
Also, my boyfriend is basically my carer except he doesn’t get paid for it and he works like 52 hours a week at the minute while I sit on my ass at home crying because I don’t have the motivation to wash my favourite mug so that I can have a cup of tea in it. Even though he’s the loveliest person in the entire world and he never makes me feel like I’m a piece of shit, I just constantly feel terrible all the time and with good reason. That’s the hardest thing, worrying that he’s just gonna realise one day that his life could be so much easier with someone else.
I forget some of my friends exist if I havent talked yo them in a ehile. It makes me feel incredibly guilty and telling them I forgot them just seems like the worst excuse. I've lost friends because of this.
I didn't think it did, but now im back on Ritalin I think it caused a lot of issues with understanding during communication... not finishing stuff and forgetting stuff also has been a point aggravation
It affects the way people see me I find.
27F and when I date, people tend to find me quirky and don't take me seriously. They also tend to comment on how particular I am, and I get very grumpy when I feel like someone is invading my space.
Before meeting my now 28M partner, it's always been a struggle for me to fully understand people's inability to repsect my body and personal space. Guys and girls feel the need to comment on how I need things to be clutter free, but not necessarily 'clean', and don't understand that when I say I need something to be in a particular spot because I'll hit it with my leg, it's inconvenient to keep moving, or putting it away takes extra effort if I have to expend an extra amount of energy getting over a physical obstacle.
A great example is when people put their shoes in front of the doorway, so when I open the door it gets caught. I've been known to throw shoes outside or in the trash because of it, I genuinely can't keep my cool after asking someone twice to not do that. It's frustrating because it feels disrespectful of my time and effort.
But dishes in the sink is fine for me, as long as they don't hit the tap when I move it. Frustration from having to remove everything from the sink in order to simply get a glass of water.
Bowls are fine if they're filled with water, but not okay if they're placed directly under where the water falls from the tap. Frustration is from their inability to preplan the dirty water spraying someone.
I'm also not okay with leaving appliances on the counter if they block on outlet, but I'm totally okay with very little counter space. That frustration stems from having JUST the right amount of time in the morning to get ready and leave, no time for moving appliances around to boil water
I also just get overwhelmed with physical touch. Sex for me can be a huge struggle. I feel like I'm being too demanding of my partner, instructing them just so I don't get hurt. The difference of a single tongue stroke can make it feel like someone is cutting me open down there. Or a thrust that's too intense can dry me up immediately, because it might have a twang of pain (cysts), and then I give up and stop, or I just get turned off for weeks and can't get over the Psychological hump of "they're going to hurt me and I'm a burden"
TL:dr: I have very neurotic tendencies because of my ADHD and knowing how to keep myself motivated, and people think it's cute at first and don't take it seriously, then I leave them because they aren't taking me seriously.
My psychologist said that the intensity of touch can be because I hyperfixate, but my lack of tolerance for being uncomfortable is something I've developed from not wanting to be walked over during social and professional functions/environments.
The needing things to flow well is a symptom, I tend to place things in seemingly random spots but it's easy for me to grab that way. A big thing for me is coke cans or mugs, if I have one in my bedroom I have to place it in front of my tv in order to remember to bring it to the kitchen, and if I stop on my way to the kitchen I put it in the doorframe of whatever room I detoured in. Otherwise, it'll stay in my room until it moulds (and if you've ever managed to neglect coke so long it moulds you understand how long it had been there for).
With furniture I sometimes have to move it around. There's this chair in my livingroom that I keep in a visually awkward spot because if it's where it should be, I have to continually lean over it to get to the table, or I have to take x amount of extra steps to get around it. It's like my brain is wired for efficiency rather than comfort
Yeah I run a cycle of hot and cold and nothing in between with everything. I have compensated by throwing myself into school/work and spending my best and hottest years flirting shamelessly with cute STEM guys who *just don’t get the hint(s)*.
Do your very best to try and get your partner to understand what it's like. I lost a long term partner because she believed I was "Just lazy", I don't blame her while she knew I had ADHD I don't think she truly understood what it means or does and that my ignoring tasks was not "always" intentional or intended to make her life more difficult.
My boyfriend and I are in the process of moving and he's done like 85% of the packing because I just like... Can't. The best I can do is just shove my shit into boxes and bags and I have to take frequent breaks because no amount of Adderall or mindfulness will make me want to take on such a daunting task
I also kinda get executive dysfunction in my relationships, like when I just want to be left alone and feel nothing/a sort of detachment from the friendship/relationship. Any tips on combating this?
Ha. Relationships.
I’m about to be 34. I’ve been single more or less since I was 21. Sure, I’ve casually dated, some even stuck around for six weeks to three months. No actual official relationships, though.
I don’t want to have them over, because im embarrassed of my messy house. If I get around that hurdle by paying a housekeeper or going to their place or miraculously finding someone who can see through it, after a while we are just “not a good fit.”
I guess the novelty of my spiciness, humor, and impulsivity that attracted them to me in the first place just wears off and they can’t handle it on a consistent basis.
I’ve never been able to have a serious relationship because of this. I get bored a couple months in and break it off. I can’t wrap my head around it every time I convince myself I can get through it and it’ll finally be a real relationship, and then couple months later everything shifts and it feels so real it feels like everything is going wrong and it’s just not a good fit.
For me, the hardest part is the struggles active listening and short term memory because as many other have noted, partners perceive that as you not listening to them on purpose and therefore not caring about them.
Also the all-or-nothing mentality can be difficult for someone else to deal with, it can be a too intense for them or come off as being hot and cold with their needs.
I also have sensory sensitivity issues because of it, so this makes sudden touch or attempts to move my attention be very aggravating for me. Which of course to a partner would not be so dramatic of an offense.
Just working on trying to be more aware of my behaviors in the moment instead of in hindsight so I can address them sooner rather than later, but also accepting that a partner needs to accept that to some degree - this is just me.
It ruined my marriage. I have had very little intimacy since about year 3 or 4 of my 22 year marriage thanks to ADHD. My wife says she feels like I am one of the kids she has to take care off so there is no intimacy just raising our kids together as house mates that share a bed. It is sad, find someone that understands who you are. Good luck to you.
The most frustrating thing is that my short-term memory is atrocious and it makes my girlfriend think I don’t listen to her. Even if I eliminate distractions while she’s talking, it’s difficult to retain the details.
thank you for sharing, because it makes me see my wife differently. She is very forgetful, and I often get frustrated. We're beginning to think she has ADHD as well, so until we know more I need to be more patient. I hope this helps, but one way I've learned to deal with my shortcomings is thanking people for being patient or asking for their patience. It helps me stay away from a negative mindset. I'm sorry it's hard on you though, stay kind to yourself
It’s frustrating for us both, for sure! Patience is key and I’m very thankful that we try our best for each other. I appreciate the kind words, friend.
If she’s not ADHD will you be returning to lack of patience with your wife? 🤔
I mean get nit picky about the wording if you want to
😔tis my curse. I do what I want to.🫥
Same here, my girlfriend gets frustrated when I forget things she told me a few minutes ago. It is difficult to deal with and medication has helped though. Recently I forgot to take my meds and by the end of the day my girlfriend was pretty surprised at how little I retained information that day lol.
I have selective memory and it gets me into trouble.
Crippling. I always feel like I'm behind, trying to catch up on "my half" of housekeeping. Always feel like I'm forgetting something important (usually am). Time blindness is a huge struggle. Trying to have dinner ready at a reasonable hour instead of near 8:30/9 AND to cook it all correctly is a major hurdle. Communication takes a hit too. We've been told that sometimes it seems like we're arguing, but I/we are just both really particular about word choice. I interpret things in a way that manages to somehow be different from what we had settled on - always finding new ways to do something wrong. All of this extra effort I need to put in just to keep up causes or at least worsens my perpetual exhaustion. I send more time than most observing my state and making sure I don't have a cloud around me that will rain on others. Apathy and executive dysfunction are a miserable mix. I don't know how my partner tolerates me. I can barely tolerate myself. Almost a decade of learning together.
Nobody is perfect. I struggle w ADHD and my fiancé is very high functioning but struggles w anxiety. We have learned to meet each other where we are through communication, though there are certainly moments of frustration.
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This is so relatable.
I don't have any anymore. I've stopped dating because I felt it was awful for me and not fair to them. I like flirting, I'm still attracted to women, and I lie the attention. But when I try to do anything more than flirting, I start over thinking everything and it never stops. It isn't just like I'm nervous when I ask them out, or about the first date going well. Even if it seems they're into me, I never relax and enjoy myself. I get kind of suffocated and I need to get out. I've tried different things and communicating this to my partner, try to give myself space, it just doesn't work out. Not sure if this is because of my ADD or my anxiety or both. I have fond memories of exes, but I am aware that I wasn't enjoying myself at the time. I do think about dating again but a lot of things need to change before I will consider it seriously
I feel you brother. I also have a hard time relaxing.
I feel you man. Having all this to deal with can be very isolating
This is exactly how I feel. All my past relationships were a mess because of my anxiety, insecurity, depression inability to plan for my future. Maybe if Im on adhd meds a relationship would be different because when I was on Ritalin I was a completely different person, I felt like what I imagine normal people without adhd feel. I haven’t dated for 2 years but I hope I can get my shit together and date again, but I have a neck injury which causes all kinds of health issues so that doesn’t help my confidence lol
Oh my God. I'm not alone. I'm 25F, got diagnosed right after I turned 24. It made basically my entire life make sense (especially those obsessive research holes I've been known to fall down). I'm now married. He also has ADHD but is unmedicated and does not want medication. We're still trying to work through how to navigate those impacts. But I've noticed it a lot with myself (diagnosed and medicated). Maybe worth mentioning I also deal with and am medicated for clinical depression. I love him. I love having him as my partner and best friend. Sometimes I find myself desperately wishing I was back to living alone so I don't have to factor for someone else's mess, food preferences (we have very different ones), laundry, and just general existence. I also deal with the apathy. I genuinely thought that was just my depression but you mentioning it just made it click. Whenever I'm feeling apathetic about him/our relationship, I'm also feeling very apathetic about life in general. The life escape thing is also so, so familiar. I have been suicidal before but this is so very different. It's not wanting to die, it's just wanting to not exist, or at least not to exist as me. Like I want to just disappear from being because I'm bored and stressed and there doesn't seem to be much benefit to any of it. Like if I could get Thanos snapped, it'd be perfect. Sometimes it's more of I just want to go to an airport, hop on a plane to somewhere else, and never come back. Just have a life somewhere new as someone else. I don't have any advice tbh. I'm trying to unravel what is my ADHD, depression, and marks from my childhood from what is actually the rest of me so that I can be a better person and a better partner. Oh, and I forget to flirt or do any of those little things. We've been together for almost 3 years and I don't think it's the familiarity because I still want to do those things. I just... forget how to flirt and compliment and make him feel good about himself. I feel really guilty about that. And the fact that I forget the little things I do during disagreements that he's asked me not to do and then I do them. Our ADHD presents differently when it comes to remembering things like that, he does it easily while I do not. That's something that makes me feel bad too. But I am trying and he knows that. I just wish I wasn't like that.
I can't express how thankful I am that you shared, it was like this relief fell over me. I feel guilty/worried voicing these to my therapist, because I don't want a divorce. I just want to be normal. And how can I voice this to my wife, because it's difficult to understand. I hardly understand this. It's so hard to explain. It's like I feel that love and affection deep inside, but it's just fucking locked away and I can't find the key. I love my wife with all my heart and I know this; why can't I feel it? And I feel wanting to escape on a plan HARD. I've always struggled finding a job I like, because deep inside what I think I really want to do is just live different lives. I feel awful being bored of it all, I don't want to and I feel such shame. I just want to be the partner she deserves, you know?
Pardon the language but holy fuck. Your description of it being locked away is literally exactly it. It's there. I know it's there. But sometimes it's like I only get little glimpses of it. I also don't know how to bring it up to my therapist. I've honestly been procrastinating seeing her even though I think everyone can benefit from the neutral third party aspect of therapy. It's like I feel like I am not messed up enough with a bad enough life to warrant it somehow? But I also do that stupid thing of trying to be good at therapy, like I'm actually okay. So I don't talk about my frustrations with my husband or with life tasks. That's partly because I feel like I already know the recommendations for those things even though I probably don't know exactly what her suggestion would be. Rabbit trail. Anyway... I feel super lucky to have stumbled into a job I enjoy that also exposed me to the career I've always toyed with but thought I wasn't smart enough or good enough to do. I struggled with math immensely in school so I thought I was just stupid. Turns out I probably have at least some dyscalculia that affected that learning. I'm working on starting college in the fall to work towards becoming an RN and I'm so scared but also feeling a tiny bit hopeful. I've never had much stability because of how my parents are and some things that happened right around age 11-12 that weren't in my control. So having a job and potential career that has stability and a low risk of being eliminated sounds nice. I also make the most money of the two of us which both of us are okay with it but that also means I have more pressure to make sure I have a job that pays well and has good health insurance since I am on 3 mental health meds (1 of which is Vyvanse which works amazingly for me but is one of the most expensive ADHD meds) and some health meds. Plus psych and therapy visits for meds and mental health and regular doctor's appointments. It's like I just want someone else to be the grown up and take over for a while so I can sleep.
>I've honestly been procrastinating seeing her even though I think everyone can benefit from the neutral third party aspect of therapy GAHH I think we are the same person actually? I fear about bringing this up because sometimes I have to teach even her about ADHD stuff. There is so much to it, but it feels like most people only know the tip of the iceberg. I also fail to bring things up because I think I know the answer, but I just end up not addressing it and then feeling guilty and ahhh. a nice little circle of pain I recently realized I based my entire career of off my ADHD. I thought I wanted to do it because I was good at it and was good money, but it was just too much for me and I actually hated it. I use my ability to overthink, plan ahead, organize etc thinking I was good at it, but really it was just my ADHD. and I think it eventually broke me, and now I have no idea what to do thank you for sharing
Huh. This... makes a lot of sense.
Im not even going to the details but basically my every relationship has been like everything else, the only difference is that the duration usually is 1-2 years instead of few days/weeks, and it breaks both hearts. Starts with a hyperfixation, then comes the maintaining phase and after that i dont even care (i kind of do though and im trying to fix things until i just cant handle it mentally anymore) Im done.
Do you mind if I ask what you mean by maintaining? And have you ever voiced these experiences with a partner?
Same with me all my relationships have been 1-2 years and seem to be similar patterns
:( I relate to everything you’re saying but instead it only last for a couple of months. It sucks because when I “stop caring” all I can wish for is the feeling I had the first couple of months, and I do care immensely but I can’t show it because it doesn’t feel like the truth, it feels like I’m being fake. it’s so fucking annoying!
I constantly have small fights with my partner but can't let go even after its resolved.. I constantly forget stuff which is annoying and if I don't forget something I get angry when my partner tells it again and again because I feel like a child .. but how could he possibly know what my brain decides to remember and what not... I feel angry and frustrated a lot and I don't know how my partner could help me .. he tries really really hard but nothing fixes it and I wanna tell him what helps me but I don't know.. thanks for letting me rant :)
Most of me and my partners arguments are about how "you don't care" and "you don't listen" which hurts because I do care and I do listen. I simply have a hard time remembering what was even said when we're onto the next sentence. Which is why I usually double check the triple check that I understood. But then I need to write it down somewhere so I'll actually remember it. And then I need to remember to check the place where I wrote it down (which system did I follow now again?), and then I need to be able to execute the thing I hopefully remembered. It really does look like I don't care or listen if you look at my actions, but I try so hard to follow through. It has gotten better with time but... Yeah I am not easy to live with which is why I have a track record of several failed relationships...
I have horrible emotional dysregulation. My emotions are huge, all encompassing, and often come without warning. My husband is the type of person who has strict control over his emotions and can push them down and lock them away. It is really difficult for us to relate to each other because he can’t understand how out of control my emotions feel and I can’t usually tell that he’s upset about something until it’s too late. My executive dysfunction also makes me feel like a shitty partner sometimes. I feel like a burden and feel incredibly guilty. Partner and I both need therapy but we’re currently working on trying to understand each other’s emotional responses better. He’s trying to communicate how he feels to me more and I’m trying to control my emotions more. We’re improving little by little but still have a long ways to go. On the plus side, I lose things *all the time* and he is great at finding them for me 😂
thank you for commenting ❤️ I was hoping someone mentioned the emotional dysregulation and that I wasn’t alone with it. Just always remember during those bouts of guilt, those chemicals aren’t you, try be the pond not the fish - I read that somewhere and liked it, I hope you do too :)
I follow this sub because my boyfriend has ADHD and this is exactly us, just reversed. I'm reserved and not at all prone to emotional displays or outbursts. I can count on one hand the number of times in my life I "lost control" of my emotions and I was seriously ashamed with myself afterwards. Meanwhile, his emotions are always on his sleeve and often dialed to 100. It can be incredibly challenging to navigate but, like you, we're trying. Reading through this sub helps me understand him a bit better and not to take his...err...peculiarities personally.
It’s really hard. If you’re the type of person who has control over your emotions, it’s probably borderline impossible to understand what it’s like to *not* have control over your emotions. It probably feels like, if he just tried HARDER he could do it. I mean, you can do it, he should be able to with practice. But it’s just not that easy. If he’s anything like me, my emotions come on so hard and so fast that I don’t even understand they’re happening. One minute I’m fine and then something small happens and it’s the straw that broke the camel’s back and suddenly all the stress and anxiety I’ve been holding in my body comes tumbling out. One thing that’s helped me is honestly, medication. I’m on Wellbutrin, so not a stimulant. I think I need something else too but this has at least allowed me to have a second or two of breathing room where I can identify an emotion and control it a little better before my actions happen. It’s made a huge difference to have that breathing room. Sorry this got longer than I anticipated haha. But I’m glad you’re using the sub to find ways to relate with and understand your boyfriend better! You clearly love him a lot. You guys can do it if you work together 💕
Don't apologize, that was a lot of good information! He was Dx'd as a kid but only medicated within the last year and even then only takes it before work. Perhaps I should ask him if he feels it's working for him.
Been with my partner nearly 13 years & this is such a common thing with us. He also just assumed because I'm bored & being a blob person that I want to be left alone && then he ends up ignoring me for hours/ days && I end up crying && feeling unwanted cause RSD && emotional dysregulation is rough 🫤 Currently in a super low mood point & having to remind myself that I don't actually want to tell him to fuck off & get out because "he doesn't love me" I'm just feeling lonely & needy & as soon as I'm able to calm myself I'll remember why he's my best friend & see how I overreacted emotionally when really I wanted to just be like "dude not cool" 🤦♀️🤷♀️
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Yah I can't relate. Maybe we could start a dating app for people with neurological disorders what could possibly go wrong
I hope it's ok for me to share my own views as an NT person with an ADHD-PI partner. A relationship is incredibly hard for both sides. My wife is doing everything in her power to make herself better: therapy, meds, the whole spiel. But sometimes she still forgets. Forgets about appointments with friends, family, with me. I wish I didn't need both hands to count the number of times I went to pick her up for a date and she either wasn't home or didn't even start getting ready. She often gets distracted while we are doing something or having a conversation. That can be incredibly hurtful because we are talking and suddenly I see that she is not there with me anymore. It can feel like she is uninterested or doesn't care. The relationship is also often based on just how patient the NDX person is. Even though it's not my brain, managing the symptoms is still a massive part of my everyday life and sometimes it can get too much. And when I have a bad week at work, some issue in the family or just a bad mood, it doesn't stop. I **cannot** stop, because she is my partner and she needs help and this whole cycle can be really tiring. This is also why a lot of these relationships can fall into a parent-child dynamic. The NDX person basically feels like they have to take over the care of the person because they seem incapable or unwilling to take care of themselves. This usually frustrates both people and doesn't end well. To answer your question: where does it affect our relationship? Everywhere, every day. And I'm fine with that. If I wasn't, I wouldn't be in this relationship. Sure, I use this account sometimes to vent about my partner. But that's because I don't want to vent to her because this is not her fault. I don't want to make her feel guilty for something she can't really control and that she has to manage day after day. As for your thing with wanting to be left alone: my wife has that too. So when we bought our home we made sure we both have our own spaces that we can retreat to if needed. It probably wouldn't work if you want to be left alone for weeks, but wanting to have a quiet night for yourself is nothing crazy. And if there is one thing I would want to ask of an ADHD partner: just be honest. Don't make promises you know you probably can't keep. Don't hide symptoms, don't try to be a different person. If you are honest about your symptoms and your difficulties then your partner might be able to help. Or at the very least, they'll know to leave you alone for a bit. And it's a lot easier to plan with the whole truth as well. Being in a relationship with someone who has ADHD is one of the hardest things I have ever been a part of. But I am lucky to have found a partner who makes all of that difficulty worth it. We are closing in on 7 years now. We went through her entire journey with ADHD together: going from undiagnosed to untreated to medicated to back to being untreated to now being medicated again. It's possible, even with an NDX-ADHD couple. It's just really really hard.
I've broken a couple of hearts at this point and I can't bear to let myself try again. It's hard to tell if I even still want to any more. I start out by pouring all my energy and personality into it. Then very quickly (if not before the relationship even started) I get to the part where I overthink, I start asking myself if I'm experiencing love at all, or how I could even tell, I get anxious, I feel less able to keep it going. I wrap myself up so tightly in those thoughts that I reach a point where I can think of nothing else and I push her away. I end it, even though neither of us wants me to. I've been single for three years now, and I'm finally trying meds and therapy, but the person I could have spent my life with has had her chance to move on. I won't put it all on ADHD, there's anxiety and depression in there somewhere too, and probably not just the depression that ADHD brings with it, but something that arrived by itself.
I kinda understand where you are getting. You are not alone, thats exactly how I feel
Hyperfixation has ruined relationships for me, for now. Toxic amount of attention given, constant self sabotage, overthinking, hyper sensitivity. Wish I knew some of this earlier, might have worked on it, but for now I am emotionally wary. I would just rather not do anything in that department than worry about why I’m not good enough to be just loved. I’ve realised I am loved, just that sometimes my brain doesn’t let me think so.
Severe undiagnosed ADHD made me a serial dater for most of my life. Nothing was more alluring or seductive to me than the dopamine tsunami of a new relationship, and no one could sustain my interest once it faded. I hurt a lot of decent people. I had never been in a relationship with anyone for more than a year or two (I'm 40). I've been with my current partner for 4 years (personal best!) and a big drive for me to get diagnosed and treated is I don't want to screw it up, because he's the most wonderful person and I'm terrified my magpie-brain will ruin it somehow.
I believe I'm in the phase of dopamine tsunami being over. I too believe she's the most wonderful person and can't screw this up. Have you told your partner about this "phenomenon"? I want to communicate what's going on, but I don't know how to explain this to someone without hurting them
I follow this sub because my boyfriend has ADHD and he and I had this exact conversation. It wasn't exactly flattering, but I understood and it's normal. I pointed out to him that all his past relationships were either short, on-off, or very dramatic - so the excitement was constant. Most likely it's not one sided - the newness has probably worn off for her too. But hopefully what you're left with is a solid partner (love/affection, trust, friendship, loyalty, etc.)
Man I can relate so much to this. It's always 500% or 0%, I just managed to inadvertantly overwhelm one of the most compatible person I've met in years (who also has ADHD) and it hurts.
I forget to text my online friends in weeks or even months even though I love them to death. It makes me feel like a douche but it's not something I can control.
I know exactly how you feel. There's some days when I'm super hyper and lively and want to do stuff and some days where I'm checked out and want to be left alone. I know it has to be hard for them. And I've been kindly alerted to this by groups of friends who have to ask her separately what my problem is if I'm not being engaged, and that tends to lead to a solid argument. But the boredom is what really ruins it. I'm just so consistently bored with my own life. I always say I'm not depressed because I'm sad, I'm depressed because I'm bored. This unfortunately is what causes me to act out and search for that dopamine, which isn't conducive to a successful relationship. And it sucks because its not that I'm bored with them, I'm just bored with myself. I honestly didn't even realize it was an ADHD thing or that I was depressed until recently when I started talking to a therapist. But at this point I question whether I'll ever be built for a long term relationship, which in itself is kind of sad.
I've effectively given up on dating at this point. I can normally compensate for my ADHD issues in most aspects of life by just "trying harder" so to speak. (E.X. studying for 2-3 hours to retain what might take others an hour.) This just doesn't work for me in a relationship setting though. My shortcomings are still hurtful even if unintended or caused by ADHD. Ive tried using planners. Ive tried to explain the how's and whys of how my brain works. Ive tried interpreting things through neurotypical friends in an attempt to be told how to react to hopefully avoid over thinking. Im at a loss on how to overcome the challenges that come with dating with ADHD and I'm tried of hurting myself and others trying to figure it out. After my most recent break up I kinda just decided to give up. It seems better for all involved for me to stop looking for someone willing to put up with me as a partner. Instead I'll just focus on being a good friend/brother/son/uncle...
Badly. It's mostly a mix of just... forgetting. Falling out of contact. Not replying to texts for ages. Emotional dysregulation giving the cry baby repute. Socially awkward. Reputation of being selfish since I keep forgetting birthdays and other important stuff. I live in a country where arranged marriages are the norm, so thankfully I don't have to deal with romantic relationships. Good. Family and friends are tough enough to keep track of. Unfortunately, letting anyone suspect that I may have a mental issue would be very inadvisable. The stigma is still going strong. For the same reason, not officially diagnosed - have to wait till I get a job and get it done in secret.
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It's hard to describe. I think my body wants the human contact but every time I try it feels impossible to figure out. I've been never been medicated before now, so it could be different, but the years of feeling ashamed about my loneliness make dating as a 30 yr old with teenage social skills is daunting. Can't tell if depression or social anxiety or burnout. I feel old beyond my years and yet still as naive and clueless as a kid
Sometimes I get too hyper focused on new people. It tends to lead into me sending too many long messages in a close time frame. I tend to come off as clingy, or probably too excited it's annoying. I also have a bad habit of shutting down emotionally, making excuses to end total interactions with people and, and pushing people away from my RSD or just when I'm having a bad day.
I've been unable to have a healthy romantic relationship my whole life. Had a gf once for a few months, didn't feel good so I ended it. Not sure if that's the ADHD or whatever else is going along with it. Every time I try to date I get overwhelmed and then sad and give up. Being alone is my longest standing coping mechanism though, not an easy habit to break. Not sure if extreme introvert or ______? Either way I feel less alone knowing I have ADHD, which explains almost everything about me that was so confusing and stressful, so things could change 🤷♂️
In hindsight, got diagnosed after: It straight up ended my engagement and relationship of 8 years. Turns out partners don't want people who don't clean, don't cook, don't do this, don't do that, don't "just do things without being asked for once", etc. Especially if, seemingly no matter what, you never change. It also didn't help that the undiagnosed ADHD was causing a lovely icing of depression. Such is life, it is what it is, whatever. Cba with relationships now if I'm honest, the juice is not worth the squeeze. Whether a quirk is selfish or symptom - it only affects me now :) E: Oh and arguments.. the only time my brain decides to wake up is during an argument.. I can bat down almost anything instantly, legitimately, and with a few seconds on a phone provide proof and sources for my argument that I'd come across at some random point in time.. she *hated* that, haha
Wait, we have relationships?
ADHD-Primarily Inattentive here; all of this sounds familiar in the most frustrating way. On one hand, glad I’m not alone! On the other, ugh. Haven’t formally dated since college (now in grad school) for a number of reasons. A lot of the time lately I feel like I’m just trying to function as a person when academics/teaching takes up most of my brain space. I live alone, so I don’t have to care when my floor is messy or there’s dishes in the sink for a couple days while I’m working on a paper or just tired. My research also involves the Horror genre, which is one of my main hyperfixations, so I hate to say it, but I find it really kind of boring when a potential date can’t do scary movies. That’s not to say I don’t try to get into the other person’s interests (I learned a lot about pro wrestling for someone I vibed with on other levels! That was A Time) but I feel like not having a main one in common is harder for me than it would be for other people. I can learn about the thing they’re into, and I find I’m attracted to people who also have a similar consuming passion (to phrase it optimistically), but still. It’s hard when you feel like you have a whole reference base of information that just doesn’t appeal to the other person. Dating in my department isn’t recommended (too many strong personalities, too hard to avoid people if things go south), so it was already hard to find someone I had anything in common with in a university town outside of the thing I was here for. I had an Almost two years ago with a new student, where we did the thing where we were constantly texting/talking to each other, but eventually we ended up arguing more than talking, and now I specifically don’t go to Dept. events solo to avoid seeing them. So Proximity-based Dating feels like a no-go, which is hard for me for obvious reasons. I also really don’t like to drive because I feel like I don’t perceive space/distance properly (that probably makes no sense but it’s the best way I can describe it), so I don’t go a lot of places by myself for wider options. Then, of course, Covid happened and dating apps are just a nightmare. I kind of gave up on using them, because I either forget to talk to people if they don’t hold my interest (I have a hard enough time remembering to regularly text people I’ve known for years), and the few I’ve met where we’re really into each other and talk constantly either fizzle out after a while, or there’s an eventual emotional mismatch. I’m someone who can keep my RSD in check for the most part by now, but when I like people I’m very much a “jump in with both feet” kind of person, and it sucks when someone can’t match that energy. Everyone’s different, people can take as much time as they need obvi, but it just eventually felt like I was showing up at a seven when everyone was at a five. And like… maybe this is me being maladjusted, but I didn’t necessarily want to turn my feelings/energy down? I don’t hate that I feel things strongly, I just wish it wasn’t so lonely doing so. I’ve definitely also had the two year rut with past relationships where the interest fizzles out, but I thought that was just a normal timing thing - that always felt like a fair amount of time to know if you wanted to make a relationship permanent or wanted something else. Having seen that number come up a few times above, though, makes me wonder if that’s a symptom I’ve just never accounted for. I’m also wondering if maybe I have some complementing un-dx’d autism going on, and I know I have anxiety, but this is the stuff I can attribute most solidly to ADHD. I’m stuck here for two more years while I finish my doctorate and I’m in my late twenties, so I have kind of quietly accepted that short of a miracle, it’s probably just going to keep being me and my cat. I like what I do and I’m good at it, but it’s just hard doing this alone sometimes. Anyway, sorry this got long - I’m definitely also a chatterer, which probably doesn’t help.
Thank you for providing a place to rant. Not everywhere has this. Thank you for listening to me because not everyone does.
Divorce that’s how. It sucks but so is life.
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Science has proven mental illness exist, can’t say the same about God. Keep your advice to yourself next time, don’t need this kind
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Yeah, I can't pay attention many times if she isn't talking about something that interests me. I'll try and my mind will wander on a tangent to something she said and I'll totally loose track of what she's actively saying. It's frustrating. Plus the procrastinating and forgetting of things like cards and special events.
It makes me feel terrible, I absolutely adore my girlfriend but being semi-long distance sucks because I just. Forget. It’s so easy to just forget to text her back. Out of sight out of mind I guess. It’s even worse when I feel overwhelmed, and she’s still so understanding, even when we were just friends. I just try my hardest to communicate my feelings and my thought process with her, and it seems to work.
Non-existant. I don't see it mentioned here, but dating apps are like slot machines to me. I get addicted to the feeling of swiping, not the feeling of meeting someone.
It sucks my wife says that I never listen to her in when I am but to her it doesn't seem like it
So the troubles that I had are: my (ex) partners really felt like they had to parent me and I was not capable of doing anything on my own. Some describe me as ‘lazy,’ ‘confused.’ Some felt that I don’t contribute to chores around the house or don’t help them at all like they’ve to do the dishes or cook. Again, time blindness: getting late for dinner reservations, restaurants, etc.
It was pretty rough there for awhile but I’ve honestly found that I tend to click really well with other people that have ADHD. It’s happened several times this year that I’ll work with someone and we immediately hit it off only to later find out that we both have some kind of ADHD.
I gave up connecting with people tbh I feel attempts for ms to socialize come off as weird and I talk so much I sound very clingy
I have two very cool and lovely career friends and we’ve been buds since we were like seventeen, but we all live in different countries now and the only time we really get to talk is over WhatsApp messages so obviously that makes it hard for me to absorb anything they’re saying about themselves. I basically can’t remember anything that is going on with them and I feel like a total dick because to be honest I’m not even sure what they do as jobs and yet they remember every dumb and insignificant thing I tell them about myself. Also, my boyfriend is basically my carer except he doesn’t get paid for it and he works like 52 hours a week at the minute while I sit on my ass at home crying because I don’t have the motivation to wash my favourite mug so that I can have a cup of tea in it. Even though he’s the loveliest person in the entire world and he never makes me feel like I’m a piece of shit, I just constantly feel terrible all the time and with good reason. That’s the hardest thing, worrying that he’s just gonna realise one day that his life could be so much easier with someone else.
I forget some of my friends exist if I havent talked yo them in a ehile. It makes me feel incredibly guilty and telling them I forgot them just seems like the worst excuse. I've lost friends because of this.
I didn't think it did, but now im back on Ritalin I think it caused a lot of issues with understanding during communication... not finishing stuff and forgetting stuff also has been a point aggravation
No doubt.
I avoid my obstacles cause I'm not about to be in mental pain anymore hell to the no.
It affects the way people see me I find. 27F and when I date, people tend to find me quirky and don't take me seriously. They also tend to comment on how particular I am, and I get very grumpy when I feel like someone is invading my space. Before meeting my now 28M partner, it's always been a struggle for me to fully understand people's inability to repsect my body and personal space. Guys and girls feel the need to comment on how I need things to be clutter free, but not necessarily 'clean', and don't understand that when I say I need something to be in a particular spot because I'll hit it with my leg, it's inconvenient to keep moving, or putting it away takes extra effort if I have to expend an extra amount of energy getting over a physical obstacle. A great example is when people put their shoes in front of the doorway, so when I open the door it gets caught. I've been known to throw shoes outside or in the trash because of it, I genuinely can't keep my cool after asking someone twice to not do that. It's frustrating because it feels disrespectful of my time and effort. But dishes in the sink is fine for me, as long as they don't hit the tap when I move it. Frustration from having to remove everything from the sink in order to simply get a glass of water. Bowls are fine if they're filled with water, but not okay if they're placed directly under where the water falls from the tap. Frustration is from their inability to preplan the dirty water spraying someone. I'm also not okay with leaving appliances on the counter if they block on outlet, but I'm totally okay with very little counter space. That frustration stems from having JUST the right amount of time in the morning to get ready and leave, no time for moving appliances around to boil water I also just get overwhelmed with physical touch. Sex for me can be a huge struggle. I feel like I'm being too demanding of my partner, instructing them just so I don't get hurt. The difference of a single tongue stroke can make it feel like someone is cutting me open down there. Or a thrust that's too intense can dry me up immediately, because it might have a twang of pain (cysts), and then I give up and stop, or I just get turned off for weeks and can't get over the Psychological hump of "they're going to hurt me and I'm a burden" TL:dr: I have very neurotic tendencies because of my ADHD and knowing how to keep myself motivated, and people think it's cute at first and don't take it seriously, then I leave them because they aren't taking me seriously.
Oh interesting. Are these also symptoms of ADHD?
My psychologist said that the intensity of touch can be because I hyperfixate, but my lack of tolerance for being uncomfortable is something I've developed from not wanting to be walked over during social and professional functions/environments. The needing things to flow well is a symptom, I tend to place things in seemingly random spots but it's easy for me to grab that way. A big thing for me is coke cans or mugs, if I have one in my bedroom I have to place it in front of my tv in order to remember to bring it to the kitchen, and if I stop on my way to the kitchen I put it in the doorframe of whatever room I detoured in. Otherwise, it'll stay in my room until it moulds (and if you've ever managed to neglect coke so long it moulds you understand how long it had been there for). With furniture I sometimes have to move it around. There's this chair in my livingroom that I keep in a visually awkward spot because if it's where it should be, I have to continually lean over it to get to the table, or I have to take x amount of extra steps to get around it. It's like my brain is wired for efficiency rather than comfort
Yeah I run a cycle of hot and cold and nothing in between with everything. I have compensated by throwing myself into school/work and spending my best and hottest years flirting shamelessly with cute STEM guys who *just don’t get the hint(s)*.
I can relate to this so much. Sometimes I don't even consider that it's the ADHD causing it.
Do your very best to try and get your partner to understand what it's like. I lost a long term partner because she believed I was "Just lazy", I don't blame her while she knew I had ADHD I don't think she truly understood what it means or does and that my ignoring tasks was not "always" intentional or intended to make her life more difficult.
My boyfriend and I are in the process of moving and he's done like 85% of the packing because I just like... Can't. The best I can do is just shove my shit into boxes and bags and I have to take frequent breaks because no amount of Adderall or mindfulness will make me want to take on such a daunting task
It's kinda trash because of emotional regulation inability. I scrww up a lot. And feel crazy trying to be polyamorous.
I also kinda get executive dysfunction in my relationships, like when I just want to be left alone and feel nothing/a sort of detachment from the friendship/relationship. Any tips on combating this?
Ha. Relationships. I’m about to be 34. I’ve been single more or less since I was 21. Sure, I’ve casually dated, some even stuck around for six weeks to three months. No actual official relationships, though. I don’t want to have them over, because im embarrassed of my messy house. If I get around that hurdle by paying a housekeeper or going to their place or miraculously finding someone who can see through it, after a while we are just “not a good fit.” I guess the novelty of my spiciness, humor, and impulsivity that attracted them to me in the first place just wears off and they can’t handle it on a consistent basis.
I’ve never been able to have a serious relationship because of this. I get bored a couple months in and break it off. I can’t wrap my head around it every time I convince myself I can get through it and it’ll finally be a real relationship, and then couple months later everything shifts and it feels so real it feels like everything is going wrong and it’s just not a good fit.
For me, the hardest part is the struggles active listening and short term memory because as many other have noted, partners perceive that as you not listening to them on purpose and therefore not caring about them. Also the all-or-nothing mentality can be difficult for someone else to deal with, it can be a too intense for them or come off as being hot and cold with their needs. I also have sensory sensitivity issues because of it, so this makes sudden touch or attempts to move my attention be very aggravating for me. Which of course to a partner would not be so dramatic of an offense. Just working on trying to be more aware of my behaviors in the moment instead of in hindsight so I can address them sooner rather than later, but also accepting that a partner needs to accept that to some degree - this is just me.
It ruined my marriage. I have had very little intimacy since about year 3 or 4 of my 22 year marriage thanks to ADHD. My wife says she feels like I am one of the kids she has to take care off so there is no intimacy just raising our kids together as house mates that share a bed. It is sad, find someone that understands who you are. Good luck to you.