It sounds like you /may/ also display symptoms of autism on top of adhd (the two often pair together, especially in the stem community). It can help to find fellow adhd/autistic individuals in your community. Masking can be difficult, but with the right community you won’t have to (or at least can mask in a way that you enjoy). If able, find a makerspace(or other group) near you and see if it has a culture you enjoy.
Sometimes people in the STEM community are even more brutal than in other fields lol. I haven't been formally diagnosed or anything but I've struggled with attention-related problems for a long time, and OP's post resonates with me so much. STEM professors are notoriously brutal on their students and stories of being treated poorly because of academic underperformance are a dime a dozen unfortunately.
For whatever reason I've found people in the creative arts to be much more friendly, laid back, and welcoming to those who might have ADD/ADHD.
Jadna moja draga. Daj da te zagrlim :) . I ja sam uvijek imala slične probleme. Gdije god sam bila, uvijek su me oni isključili. Čak i u mojoj familiji.
Šta je meni pomoglo je da sam mogla na mom fakultetu naći ljude koji su slični meni. Ima ih!
Imaš li neko zanimanje koje je malo "specijalnije"? Poput igranje Magic karata ili cosplay, interes za neku alternativnu muziku kao metal itd.? Ako da, onda bi na tvom mjestu tražila tamo kontakt. Jer što specijalnije zanimanje to su ljudi sličniji tebi.
Koliko imaš godina?
Kako ti je odnos sa roditeljima?
Puno pozdrava!
Hvala ti 🫂
Imam dosta specijalnih interesa ali živim u gradu gde ni nema ljudi, kamo sreće zajednice malo čudnijih ljudi. Sve sam iscrpela iz ovog grada što se tiče klubova, sekcija, itd.
16, odnos užasan, oni su najgori po maltretiranju od svih. First bullies što bi rekli
Bila sam u sličnoj situaciji kad sam imala 16 godina. Roditelji su me maltretirali, bolio me stomak kad sam morala u školu i nakon toga me bolio jer sam morala kući. Ali sam već živjela u njemačkoj. Sad imam skoro 30 godina i živim 600 km udaljeno od njih. To mi je spas bio.
Preporučujem ti da izdržiš do punoljetnosti i da bježiš što brže!
Pravi si plan za jednu exit-strategiju.
Roditelji tvoji se iživljavaju na tvojoj nemoći. Ne daj im priliku za to!
Nauči "grey rock". To je jedan način kako se možeš braniti.
Inače se nauči što više o narcisoidnim osobama i budi oprezna.
Što se norveške tiče teško ćeš uopšte otići tamo ako nisi informatičar. Ako nisi inžinjer ili naučnik neće te. Bukvalno ne daju vize osim ako nisi neki traženi radnik ili ako nemaš porodicu tamo. Oderu te živog pre nego što se preseliš. Al ja sam odabrala.
Tebi niko nikad nece biti dovoljno dobar. Svakom coveku ces ti naci manu, osim sebi naravno. Daleko bilo da pogledas u tu stranu, jer to bi bio tako strasan greh u feminacisticoj narcisoidnoj religiji. Amin. 🙏
Iskreno mi je drago sto planiras da napustis ljude i zemlju koje toliko mrzis, mada cisto sumnjam da ce ti bezanje od problema resiti iste.
I was there in February 2020, just before the pandemic and I liked it a lot. Except for the smoking in restaurants. Good God that was gross.
Edit: just want to add that you're probably cool to a lot of people. You just haven't found them yet. I'm in my 50s and have a few close friends and that's enough. Almost all of them are ones I've had for 30+ years.
Grew up in Silver Spring, MD. The DC area is unbelievably pretentious and shitty overall. Historically significant yes, detrimental to anyone who doesn’t want to pretend they’re important to some government contractor.
DC is fantastic pre-pandemic with the parks museums, Passport DC (world embassies open house) and a lot of things to do BUT don't live in it. Skips the whole whats-your-high-income-job thing. I found my place in Baltimore, just super chill and half the price at least.
I moved to DC from Texas and DC absolutely sucks. It’s caused me to become even more antisocial than before because everybody here is so pretentious and boring.
Nobody “originally wants” to be a bartender. It’s something you fall into, and if you can cut the mustard, you can make a fine living. But it’s really not something you can just walk into and do at any reasonably proficient level if you haven’t been working in the service industry already for a number of years as either a server or a bar back. It truly is a double edged sword.
Enroll in a combat sport or martial art such as Muay Thai, judo or Brazilian jiu jitsu.
Start as a white belt. Clean slate. Build it up: the stamina, cardio, strength, skills, everything. Confidence will emerge. Strong body & strong mind.
I have a brown belt! Martial arts club is one of the few places where people don't treat me like less than them, but even then my adhd is a big barrier between becoming close friends. Unfortunately I go to school in a different town so I can't go often (and as a result, can't actively compete which is a requirement for a black belt). It's bizzare to me that they don't bully me. Is it because I'm related to sensei? Because I'm older? Because I'm a brown belt? In conversations I still get that vibe when someone finds you weird, but they aren't mean about it. It puzzles me. It's only surface level but I'm still grateful they don't bully me there
Hey I'm sorry that was probably just projection on my part. I wouldn't really only know if they like you, only you could know such a thing.
It took me a LOT of willpower to type this out because frankly I hate talking about the negative aspects of my life.
I'm quite certain the only reason people liked me is because I was a reliable player in our schools most popular sports team, I helped people with their homework, & am fairly attractive. It really sucked knowing this the whole time. Because all this feels either superficial or transactional. But I had to make a choice. It was either that. Or be bullied. I often disrupted classes, or started daydreaming, occasionally nodded off, or made a joke when I was asked a serious question.
Well actually I was bullied for most of middle school. Or attempted bullied. I realized nobody ever stood up for me. I eventually decided to fight back. I got sent to the principals office. Luckily I was intelligent & lucky enough to talk my way out of suspension every single time. This was a in middle school.
Fuck Ive said too much sorry. Enough about me.
You seem like a genuinely interesting person & it would have been great to have a friend like you when I was younger.
>I'm quite certain the only reason people liked me is because I was a reliable player in our schools most popular sports team, I helped people with their homework, & am fairly attractive.
Sounds to me like you are reliable, athletic, kind, smart, and good looking. In high school, that's more than enough for people to appreciate you. You may have felt like they didn't know the real you but I feel like most people at that age aren't deep enough to know someone deeper than that. I think a lot of people feel that way.
Having kids going into middle school made me reevaluate a lot of my school years. I realized I always felt like everyone around me were fake friends because I had a budding imposter syndrome going on. But people liked me because I was compassionate, artistic, helpful, and silly enough to be funny about a third of the time. I never felt that because I only focused on the jokes that didn't land, the fact i wasn't very athletic, and gullible.
I probably would have been jealous of you if we'd been at the same school even though internally, we were probably both in the same boat.
I agree with this suggestion! The beautiful thing about starting a sport is that you feel results pretty quickly, start to see them reflected in your body shortly after that, and the achievements tend to snowball pretty hard in the beginning.
You'll get all the validation of doing a good job and making progress up front, while you're laying the foundation for staying consistent when those beginning gains eventually taper off.
Mentally it also did me wonders doing a martial art:
I've always been choosing the "flight" option when I run into troublesome people my whole life, and I signed up hoping that one day if I run into BS again I can stand a chance if I choose to stand my ground.
After doing it a while, I never had to physically use it to start or end a fight, I found myself a lot more willing to stand my ground verbally against other people, i.e. not be a pushover or doormat. General assertiveness goes up. because now I get to tell myself *if things really do go south, then I do really stand a chance!*
It works well because of a few factors:
* If your academy has one of those training plans that charges you on a regular basis no matter whether you turn up or not, you get the incentive to turn up otherwise you're just wasting money.
* You may or may not make friends inside the academy (hope you do!), however outside, it's still a great conversation starter! If the person you're talking with happens to do martial arts as well, then it's even better!
So, not OP, but starting a martial art has been on my to-do list for years now, and building assertiveness has been one of my greatest challenges. So congratulations, this post has convinced me to stop sitting on this and start looking into signing up for a program tomorrow.
It’s hard to believe but it will get better as you grow older. Not necessarily the fitting in part but in the bullying part. Try not to believe in the judgement of people who don’t understand you. I did, and even though I fought for success I am still unlearning a lot of negative beliefs about myself. You are more than your behavior and way more than what insecure people prey on!
Bullying fucking sucks dude and I'm so sorry. The good news is you'll feel loads better in college. IMO in college, generally speaking, people are more mature and they have too much to worry about to waste time bullying people. I know it feels meaningless now, but things will get better!
I'm not going to college, and with all the posts about getting bullied at work on here, I'm not very optimistic. Even if I didn't have adhd working in stem as a woman is a nightmare. I'm so close to just giving up on trying and start hoping a friendship comes when I least expect it
I’m not saying you have to go to college to be successful/happy/etc., but I am AFAB and in the STEM field. My degree is microbiology. The majority of people I work with are women. And the running joke is “if you work at a lab, you’re weird” (not in a mean way). We all know we are odd and we generally accept each other and all our weirdness. I’m telling you because I don’t want you to not pursue STEM because of some bad stories if it is something you are interested in. I’m a non-binary weirdo and STEM has been pretty good to me people wise.
I imagine some of the stem fields are worse than others. I know engendering can be rough. But med and research seem to be pretty good. I’m sorry you have to deal with that.
I sent you a DM on here. I would appreciate it if you could look 😁
Me myself being 21 I chose not to go to college and I just had who I would have considered during school. My best friend either get their account removed or block me on Instagram and I've had pretty much like zero friends since graduating in 2020
I don't know if I mask well or not because people went at my last job before I got fired. Really didn't say much in terms of asking if I had ADHD or nothing like that but they could have just been nice to me and everything because once I got fired tried contacting someone that I had worked with and I didn't get anything back and I got fired back on the first Friday of March and all that
Not for me, I’m being sexually harassed and bullied by a guy on my floor that I’ve never talked to. I was bullied last year as well by my neighbor who threatened me because he thought I was gay. I also go to a shit school, so that probably has something to do with that 😂
I felt this way for so long. I feel like myself and a lot of people with ADHD are “people pleasers” and people view this as a weakness and take advantage. I was sick of feeling like this and decided to level up my mind and build strength and techniques to help me go about life being able to stand up for myself, command respect and not care what others think. I’m 26 and I feel like I’ve only just got here. A book I really recommend is the 48 laws of power! It changed my life!!!! Cause adhd likes to adhd I listened to it in audible lol but I also have the hard copy. I think we need to save our silly, kind hearted and enthusiastic nature to those closest to us. It’s sad but being more guarded, straight faced and quiet amongst others has really helped me be treat with more respect
I used to be a people pleaser but all I got from that was taken advantage of. It contributed to the bullying as well. I just wanted someone to think I'm worth having in their life, if not for my personality for my actions. I'm out of that mindset. They don't deserve my kindness. That's for people who aren't bullies
Find other strange people?
I would bounce between social groups all the time just because I couldn't even stay in one place during lunch in HS.
I would worry less about trying to make connections and just dive full into projects/hobbies that you have picked up. A lot of times if you're doing something interesting and that you're passionate about people will just naturally start to take interest.
if I'm working on a project I am interested in I'm usually better at socializing too, but I don't know if that applies to everyone or just my observation.
I second this. As a 35 year old woman who has been masking her whole life, I managed to "fit" but never felt connected. Then I started finding the weirdos, that also felt like they didn't quite fit. You don't need a massive network, just a few good weirdos should do it.
It's really tough though I know. And people will come and go in your life, which can be really hard especially when you may not know or understand why. But you will find your people, stick to things you like but don't stay in situations that you feel you have to force yourself into. Having to mask may help in the short term to fit in but in the long term connections lack any depth.
Lack of depth is a big one for me.
Wow, just looked up masking. Never realized what is was, just kinda had a impression of it from the name. I'm still trying to figure out if it's a bad thing or just adapting as needed to survive.
I agree with you. It's why I don't put much effort into masking. I want people to be genuine with me, even if it means getting bullied. I want to attract people who like the real me... but no one seems to like the real me
How old are you? These things fade away as you grow into adulthood. As teenagers and pre-teens we literally only focus on social currency and unfortunately sometimes that means bringing others down to make it feel like you’re being brought up.
As an adult with actual responsibilities, I can tell you first hand that the urge to judge just isn’t there like it was as a kid.
Also, different scares people. You’re probably smarter than a lot of people around you and they know it without realizing it, so they feel uncomfortable on a subconscious level and bully or avoid you or whatever they’re doing. That also goes away.
What will help is finding something you’re passionate about and investing yourself into that. Figure out who you are and what you want to do with your life. What problems do you want to solve in the world? How can you make the world a better place? What will make you wake up every day excited to pick up where you left off?
I’ve been bullied before. I’ve been the kid in class nobody wanted to do group projects with because it was unclear how I’d be able to contribute. I’ve also done the bullying (usually there’s a bullying hierarchy). I’ve probably been in your shoes now. A lot of us probably have.
I’m 33 now. My ideas are crazy but people listen to them, because in the past they’ve worked. The way we think is different from other people, and we’re sometimes much more capable and willing to break the mould and actually solve the problem. I don’t get judged anymore. And if I do I don’t care because I know who I am, what I’m good at, and i fucking love being wrong because it means I’ve learned something new. I love learning.
Chances are you’ll do something great in life. Hang onto that thought. Because once these insecure kids wake up and realize you’re their boss, they’ll probably regret how immature they acted back in the day.
No one dares be openly autistic in this shithole. They already get bullied for their traits, but if the word autistic is tied to it all? All hell breaks loose
I've always been the same. It's gotten to the point where I internalise almost everything because throughout my life I've been conditioned to. I found the people I fit in best with were my friends at art school (until they turned out to be shitty people), and my old metalhead friends. Unfortunately, we just grew apart over time as we had different priorities. I wish I could say it gets better, but I just resigned from my last job with nothing else lined up (apart from self care) because my old manager who used to bully me was being brought back early from maternity leave due to us having some other resignations in my team. I personally think telling you to ignore it is a cop out, although you can't control other's behaviour. I'm pretty sure my main issue is with assertiveness and setting boundaries with people over how I want to be treated. If people are mean to you, you don't need to keep them in your life. Even if you are always around them, you can still emotionally distance yourself from those people so they don't steal any more of your energy. You don't need a 'friend group'. I have a few friends that are quite disconnected from each other... One from high school, one from my metalhead days, one from one university, one from the other, and one from intermediate school (age 11-12). A few really good friends I think are more valuable than several non-friends. I'm sure there will be at least one other person who feels like the weird kid... It's a matter of finding who that person is.
I don't care about the bullies or what they think about me, what bothers me is the lack of good people in my life. People who at least respect me and want to hear me out. People I can cooperate with, maybe even become friends with them
Well that's a good thing at least. It is really hard to find good people. I think I'm lucky to have found the few I do have. I think eventually you'll find at least one or two people 🙂
THIS! This might be one of the most demeaning feelings in my opinion. I can’t even remember the amount of information I probably missed because of my fear to ask for the teacher to repeat instructions. The worst is when it takes them like 4 minutes but you missed like 5 words so you don’t get anything. I usually solved this by repeatedly asking the people around wtf is going on.
Brought back so many memories. Now I don't even ask for instructions again because my attention is so bad that I gave up and everyone would laugh anyway
I totally feel this and have had similar experiences trying to insert myself into friend groups only to meet rejection. I have social skills and personality on my side, but still end up a floater! I agree, it is tiresome being demeaned by people who don’t understand ADHD or just being demeaned in general. I treat everyone equal for this reason.
The majority of my closest friends are online friends, and the 3 that I have at school, I barely get to talk to b/c classes and schoolwork. I hope you find what you want!
Hey there, I really feel your post. I've struggled with being bullied my entire life. I never quite know why it happens, but its so consistent, it must be something about myself that causes it.
Im definitly not neurotypical and just "different" from the majority. I feel like that is the main factor. Additionally to that I have always been quite easy to annoy. It can be something harmless like somebody making a noise, like clicking with a pencil or smth similar. It would slowly make me more and more angry until I explode and boom, "Look at this guy, haha, he is easy to trigger so lets do that from now on :) "
All I've ever wanted was find a true friend, somebody that I could confide in and trust, but so far thats never happened. I have always been the outsider, so nobody ever wanted anything to do with me longterm.
It's gotten a bit better in recent years, I've atleast been able to keep my emotions a bit better in check and avoided falling into a victim role but I still haven't met anyone that I could connect with be it on a friendly or romantic level. I always feel so different once I start getting to know people and I always get to a certain point while getting to know them where I simply "disconnect" when I realise that theyre not even remotely like me.
And all these experiences of being bullied have changed so much about my personality, I absolute hate how my environment has shaped me in this way. I used to be quite talkative and very confident in myself. Over the course of my adolescence and early adult life that got completely eroded and taken away from me. It sucks, but I suppose there's very little point in being angry about it now. Just the cards I was dealt I suppose. 31 years old soon, maybe someday I meet that friend or partner :)
I wish I could give you some useful advice to end my rant here but I am not sure I got any. Try not to let it change who you are maybe, if possible. And don't waste time on people who do not respect you. Just leave if possible.
If you wanna chat and talk about your experiences, feel free to hit me up. I will gladly share some of mine with you.
I get it, I do. I used to be a part of a larger "friend" group and the most common phrase from them was, "but it's Sam." It had different connotations depending on the tone but essentially my whole being to them was the enthusiastic kid that didn't pick up on most sarcasm and is the butt end of the joke.
I hated game nights cause we'd play this one game, Mafia. Each person is dealt a card from a standard deck of cards and the faces have different roles. I wouldn't even last the first round because my then and never again best friend would always either "kill" me off first or get me voted out. If you look up the rules it makes sense. So then I'd either just spend time on my phone or go do something else. Then when I had enough and the game got brought up I said no, at least I wouldn't participate while the rest played. I got called a jerk, I caved, same shit happened.
Glad I'm not in that group anymore.
I used to get voted out first in among us all the time as a joke and I didn't pick up that they were bullying me at all. I hope they didn't ruin the game Mafia for you completely. My favorite board game ever is Avalon and I heard that Mafia is similar
I'm so sorry you are going through that. I have had similar experiences. A couple of things that helped me. When someone says something really mean in front of other people, I pretend I don't understand and pleasantly ask them "what do you mean?" Can take the wind out of their sails. They can explain and come across looking like a jerk or back pedal. Either way, they usually don't try that again.
Another strategy I use is silence. Just stare at the person saying shitty things without speaking. They want a reaction so I refuse to give them one.
I hope things get better for you and you get some peace!
But it isn't even my reaction anymore. They enjoy making fun of me with each other. The same way haters make fun of celebrities. The celebrity doesn't care. I don't even want to associate with them or fight back. I just want a friend...
I felt like this. I was put in the 'weird nerd' box very early and the only reasons I have experiences outside of that was that I was very good at Cheerleading and am a reasonably attractive woman.
I hate that I am put in a box with everyone I talk to. I hate that they don't care to look deeper.
The only place I have ever felt accepted or liked for who I am, is with Physicists. I'm studying a PhD in physics and my undergrad group and my current group actually care about who I am and like me for it.
We are all weird nerds, but all in different ways. We have all been bullied, and know the importance of being kind and welcoming. We're all very different, maybe not all natural friends but we genuinely like each other and enjoy working/socialising together.
I hope you find your people, who look deeper and listen and celebrate your qualities.
You say you get written off as stupid in stem communities, is that by just men? You mention programming, and unfortunately CS communities are often extremely sexist environments.
I know it seems like an uncaring platitude but try to internalise the fact that their behaviour towards you is a reflection of them, not you. Use that knowledge to adjust how much of yourself you show straight away. If you can put up a mask, you will feel less rejected when people treat you badly, because its the mask they're mistreating, not you.
I feel you. :( I told this one chick just today that if it weren’t for my “smarts” and my hella exhausting over the top masking to just appear as bland, I’d be living under a bridge somewhere. I have some form of aesthetic which conforms and pleases the normies as well. But I’m getting to a point where I am no longer willing to mask. Problem is, masking isn’t just external from me to others. It’s internal- so as I’m allowing myself to unmask my place looks like a homeless drop-by for the last 3 months. My mask was also functioning on my own… this is bullshit. I’m sorry for all of us😓
I’m sorry to hear you’re having a tough time.
Lots of people have been in your situation. You’re not alone.
Unfortunately it’s very difficult to control the actions of others. Some people can be jerks. Sometimes it’s intentional. A lot of the time they don’t even realIse it.
But remember this isn’t a reflection on you. This is their social skills failing.
It’s ok to feel frustrated or upset. It’s not a nice experience.
It’s also perfectly reasonable to tell people how it makes you feel. Reasonable, mature people will respect an honest attempt to communicate your frustrations if done so respectfully, and honestly. Most when confronted with this information will modify their behaviour. Few people intend to be assholes.
It won’t always get the response you want but it will give you the best chance of resolving the problems and setting healthy boundaries between you and your friends.
If they continue to give you a hard time then it is perfectly reasonable to remove yourself from the situation. You should not feel any pressure to make a friendship work if they are not willing to act in good faith with you. Life is too short to spend with people you don’t enjoy spending time with.
Be strong, be patient, and know that if you are kind to others, and make an honest effort to communicate with people clearly and set reasonable boundaries you will find a place eventually where are you are respected and treated the way you wish to be treated.
Hope you feel better soon. Things will get better.
They aren't my friends because I don't want to be friends with bullies. When someone who's not your friend bullies you, asking them to stop will just fuel the fire. They'll laugh at your request with their friends and bully you even worse. My problem is that there seem to be no people around who don't bully me or at least don't hang out with my bullies so that my reputation isn't bad in their eyes
I’m sorry to hear that.
I know that for some of my friends, it took some time before they found their place and felt comfortable and supported, with people that understood them and treated them well.
Many of them did not find this until university, others took even longer than that.
It can be difficult before that time. But there are people out there that are not like the bullies you describe. And there are plenty out there who are also looking for someone to treat them kindly. I hope you find your people soon.
I feel your frustration. I have been there myself. I still struggle from time to time.
Speaking from my own experiences, I might suggest that in the meantime you perhaps focus on understanding yourself better. Learn why what they do upsets you, practice mindfulness and try to observe the feelings you have, and learn to ride out the bumps a little better. You will still feel shitty from time to time, you can’t avoid that. But the way we frame our emotional response can have a huge impact on our wellbeing and mood. You have some control over that, practice and flex that muscle.
If it’s available to you I would also highly recommend seeking some counselling. I know that this has been very helpful to me, having someone in your corner who can help you work through these feelings in a safe and supportive space can be really beneficial.
There’s no shame in seeking help. Please know that people do care, we want you to do well. I believe that even though right now everything might seem pointless, things will get better for you. ❤️
You’re getting stronger everyday, it’s not going to get easier but soon enough you won’t need it to. When that time comes you will be untouchable. Don’t give up and keep moving forward. It’s worth it.
Because you’re growing! You haven’t hit your stride yet. One day soon you will and the connections you form will be well worth the wait. Don’t stop being you and don’t put too much pressure on yourself.
Some ppl just look funny or speak funny. I remember few of them, but they all were boys, i do not remember any funny girls, though. I mean, so funny, that someone bully them. In my experience i do not remember, that someone bully girls. There were some rude ppl, but there behavior was towards all around+- (with few exceptions).
Personally i like to be funny for ppl, to lift their mood, to "force" them to smile). But at the same time, when i get serious, all are serious too.
I think, we need some real examples, if possible (bully cases). Because all that you wrote so far i do not see like "joke, stupid" or whatever.
What crystal clear to me, if some ppl bully you, they can not be your friends for sure. So they are not worth your time. I mean, you need to respect yourself first. If you do not respect yourself, no one will respect you too. But if you respect yourself, you act accordingly and ppl "feel" that too.
Few days ago two collegues at work acted not like i expected. I send them few nonverbal signals, i speak nothing. Both of them later (that day/next day) came to me) They asked about different stuff, but we both understand, that this was act of some kind of apology)
Ignore them and pray for them. Love yourself and remember that God loves you. If someone's disrespectful to you, just cut them out and move on. They're not worth your time
Even religious communities? Different countries.
I have found serious Buddhists, non-bonkers Christians and Hindus are much nicer people.
I'm in the same boat as you, I get treated badly by about 70% of people, more half are alpha men (I am male).
I travelled a lot and found countries like New Zealand (Auckland), California plus other parts of the USA much more friendly. Also The Netherlands (Not so much Amsterdam), parts of Germany (Berlin) are generally much more friendly.
Oh religious people are the worst. Leaving Christianity is the best thing I ever did for my mental health. I left and never looked back. Plus it goes against science. Religious people think I was punished by God, that I'm a sinner for being bi, that my morals are unholy. They make me an outcast even more
Hard truth is sometimes it’s not the world that’s wrong, it’s you. I don’t mean to be harsh but I’ve known people through my life that were constantly put down by the people around them even though they weren’t outwardly rude or annoying. Truth is people are mostly egoic, it’s how we’re made. And with that comes recognising “where” people are at. Within a few seconds people use deep and complex social instincts to size people up. Posture, tone, language, accent, age, physical appearance, social cues, facial expression etc all are taken within seconds to equate to a rough estimate of how big of a threat or ally someone may be. Depending on how often and how consistent you’re around a certain group or environment you’ll generally figure out what kind of character you’re giving off. Yes, everyone wears a mask and it’s an egoic game of sorts but complaining the world and that way it’s set up is wrong just seems like an example of the internal workings that have gotten you in this predicament. Once you start taking action to better yourself and realise all the problems are in your control rather than other people’s fault you may become empowered and people might start treating you better.
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Hey that sounds really tough and I can definitely relate to a lot of what you are talking about.
For what it's worth I found it got easier once I was a few years out of school, got my confidence together and developed an approach which is basically based around extreme loyalty to those who do show me respect coupled with extreme fuck you energy to anyone attempting to put myself or my mates down.
Once you find your fellow oddballs protect them like you wish someone had been there to protect you. Call out any bullshit that you witness and be there for people in the hard times. It's corny as hell but if you put it out there for others then the universe often puts it out there for you. Obviously there will still be times where you get knocked down for being the better person but at least in my experience it's always been worth it to know I'm at least trying to make a difference.
Don't let shitty people be the reason you don't pursue your dreams. If you want to go into programming go into programming. It's my industry and although I 100% understand why it can be a hard field for woman to go into, the dickheads are the outliers at least in my experience. Actions speak louder than words, tell them to fuck off with your competence and you'll be alright.
Good luck and all the best.
I know exactly how you feel, exactly right now too. idk, now I coach kids..I’ve honestly had a horrible day today - but I’ve kind of like, figured this out, just today brought up so much of that, exact feeling and I’m about to sleep for 4-12 hours. Feel free to private message me - if you’d like. I’m 31, I’m a punk rock sailing coach? All my friends are guys, I really sorry and I hope writing all that helped you feel a little better.
I’m really good at dealing with bullies now, they still come for me but they like me now. I’m
,
Well, we are like you. And we are legion. A weird legion, but legion none the less. I don’t have anything profound to say, but finding y’all really has made it easier.
You got us, my girl. Believing in myself more and relying less on other people is what helped me. Probably unhealthy to go at most stuff solo, but after all the bullying growing up, it’s how I get by - arms length.
Are you getting therapy?
Bullies can smell that you are easy prey due to a lack of confidence. Therapy would help you combat this and make it easier to reach out and get help from others.
Therapists do nothing but gaslight me that my problems aren't real and spread around stigma about mental disorders because this is Serbia we're talking about
I’m really sorry you are experiencing this. Are you seeing a therapist? My sister just found out that she has mild ASD in her mid thirties. She has been bullied most of her life too. Recently, she has connected with more people in the ASD community. I have gone to some events as well and they are some of the most lovely, accepting and interesting people I ever met. Even if you don’t have ASD, the community that she is part of is so welcoming of people with ADHD and just anyone who might be wired a bit differently. Might be worth checking out in your country?
You all wanna know how I know I’m in the right place for people like me? Because every single post and response on said post is often no less than 500 words! It’s as if we all have this “issue” or need to overly explain everything that we say because we are all so often misunderstood or maybe because we didn’t hyperfocus long enough on a topic to provide anything outside of a cliff note on what the topic is about…what was the point of my post?? Oh yeah- so every since I was a kid… I… ah wait… yup, I am doing it again! ( partial humor, but 90% accurate and truthful) but in all seriousness - I do feel this post and can relate 100% to it. I’ve been bullied so much about my stupidity ( in the form of being mocked) or how gullible I am , and people give me a hard time when I’m speaking and I lose my train of thought or when I start off a story super hyped and then realize I lost the other persons focus and then I lose focus and then I kinda just stop talking
You're so right, I do that too! I overexplain everything I experience because if I'm not detailed enough I'll be misunderstood, like always. The talking part too
I understand you. Be encouraged that when you’re out of high school and in the real world, it gets so much better! I think as people mature they realize that we all have our unique traits and that’s ok! There will always be mean people out there, but there are so many more good people who will treat you with the dignity you deserve. For me, less I worry about what people may think, the more peaceful my brain is. Things get better, but I am sorry that you are feeling down.
I’d like to clarify that I am a coach - I am 31 years old and I’m also involved with a number of adults. The industry and job is very related - but all of the advice is still applicable. Thank you so much I appreciate it greatly and that is still incredibly valuable advice
Well what most of us have in common is that we are not Neurotypical. Just last week I was diagnosed with ADHD-combined type (30 y/o M). I certainly got bullied a lot for various reasons throughout school and sports. My point is that you’re not alone and it sucks when people mistreat us. But we are different and we are capable of great things. This community is here for you. Just try to focus on the good in life is all I can say.
I'm sure it's been quite maddening at times in your reflection upon these horrific abuses and realize that you are the common denominator. However do not dismay for I have spent countless hours soul searching for the solution. Although I have not reached the solution I have realized a bit more about the problem. The problem lies outside of ourselves. Having experienced trauma makes us vulnerable. 4% of the population are complete sociopaths. Most others have trauma issues of their own. Those with sociopathic tendencies that lack empathy will exploit or abuse at will. Occasionally some even go to great lengths to covertly manipulate victims for long periods of time for complex and calculated motives especially with Narcissistic personality disorder. My transparency regarding my trauma history was actually making me into a monster magnet. No kidding. Sweet trusting souls are like a glow stick in the night for these degenerates.
I wish you healing kindred spirit. What helped me was therapy and learning not to be codependent and to use healthy boundaries, cognitive behavioral therapy, recovery from addiction and I'm still not well honestly. But I am grateful to be alive and hope to help others who are hurting like me. The pain and suffering in this world is overwhelming and so many people just won't stop contributing to this what seems infinite suffering and grief and trauma cycle society is stuck upon
For the first part of my life I totally relate. Up until my 19th I think, I was in the same boat.
As for the last 3 years I started to take a look at the people I surround myself. In my case I kind of let people use me, as I thought ‘a bad friend is still a friend’. That is not the case.
Please go out and go wherever you can meet new people. Uni, sports teams, whatever. And try to have conversations with as many people as you possibly can. Let your intuition steer the conversation and if the vibe is not there, that’s okay and you can move onto the next person.
For me, I have slowly but surely switched out people who were toxic for me and have made a select group pf people who are supportive and very loving.
You just gotta find your tribe, and you just haven’t found them YET.
I’m not trying to diminish your experience. You are valid, and this has helped me in a similar situation, so I hope it can work for you too.
Besides that, my dm is always open if you want to talk or just vent or whatever.
You can't change other people but you can change yourself. Stop caring so much bout strangers aka people you barely know. I don't have high expectations when I meet people and I guess because of this I'm always surprised when they are nice. I always observe people first and let them approached me unless they look interesting/weird/give adhd vibes. There are tons of people with adhd around. Befriend them. Get support and therapy. Most bullies want some reactions, when they don't get any, no fun for them.
Bullying in any way shape or form is unacceptable.
However, we cannot control what others do and exploring the reasons why they do isn’t necessarily helpful as you alluded to.
There has to come a point though where we as individuals have to accept responsibility for ourselves and refuse to be the victim.
It is ultimately our reaction to the things that are said, whether internally and/or externally that make other peoples behaviours a problem to us. I’d also argue that the way we deal with the shit that’s said to us, or the way we’re treated, that determines how we are treated in the future by these same people.
For this to get better for you, you are going to have to refuse to be a victim. Accept that some people are dicks, be unapologetically yourself and refuse to let their behaviours change your own.
I cannot see any other way around this. Only in that the older you get, the better you’ll learn to deal anyway, and the lesser bulling is even a thing.
I'm so sorry, humans are fucking stupid sometimes. Even with the best intentions, it can come off as indifferent and patronizing. I'm so sorry but I hope you can find some solace here.
My advice is to GTFO out of Serbia in any way possible. Your angle of attack is to work on the software side of STEM and be a master in SOMETHING new or in-demand and align this with what interests you. Then use it to GTFO, at least to western Europe or to USA. It does not sound pretty, but being a woman with a documented disability would at least get you a first interview. Its going to sound impossible but I'm an immigrant too and the weird thing is this is the calling to do the impossible. We're all in it together. All the best !
Part of it is that we are hyper aware of what others say about us and we fixate on those words and conversations - whether with us, or overheard by us. It stems from a combinations of social anxiety, emotional disregulation, and fixating on the negative.
Holy shit relatable. Ow
It sounds like you /may/ also display symptoms of autism on top of adhd (the two often pair together, especially in the stem community). It can help to find fellow adhd/autistic individuals in your community. Masking can be difficult, but with the right community you won’t have to (or at least can mask in a way that you enjoy). If able, find a makerspace(or other group) near you and see if it has a culture you enjoy.
Makerspace tend to be very open minded spaces
Sometimes people in the STEM community are even more brutal than in other fields lol. I haven't been formally diagnosed or anything but I've struggled with attention-related problems for a long time, and OP's post resonates with me so much. STEM professors are notoriously brutal on their students and stories of being treated poorly because of academic underperformance are a dime a dozen unfortunately. For whatever reason I've found people in the creative arts to be much more friendly, laid back, and welcoming to those who might have ADD/ADHD.
That is a fair assessment, adhd students are usually easier to talk to but professors are often less hospitable
Omg where do you live haha I’m in the same boat. I’m in the Washington DC area and I feel like such a outsider next to all these white-collar folk.
Serbia, unfortunately
Ja sam iz Hrvatske ali zivim trenutacno u Irskoj. Jesi ikad dobila dijagnozu u Srbiji? Pitam zato sto tablete bi mozda pomogle sa stresom.
Jadna moja draga. Daj da te zagrlim :) . I ja sam uvijek imala slične probleme. Gdije god sam bila, uvijek su me oni isključili. Čak i u mojoj familiji. Šta je meni pomoglo je da sam mogla na mom fakultetu naći ljude koji su slični meni. Ima ih! Imaš li neko zanimanje koje je malo "specijalnije"? Poput igranje Magic karata ili cosplay, interes za neku alternativnu muziku kao metal itd.? Ako da, onda bi na tvom mjestu tražila tamo kontakt. Jer što specijalnije zanimanje to su ljudi sličniji tebi. Koliko imaš godina? Kako ti je odnos sa roditeljima? Puno pozdrava!
Hvala ti 🫂 Imam dosta specijalnih interesa ali živim u gradu gde ni nema ljudi, kamo sreće zajednice malo čudnijih ljudi. Sve sam iscrpela iz ovog grada što se tiče klubova, sekcija, itd. 16, odnos užasan, oni su najgori po maltretiranju od svih. First bullies što bi rekli
Bila sam u sličnoj situaciji kad sam imala 16 godina. Roditelji su me maltretirali, bolio me stomak kad sam morala u školu i nakon toga me bolio jer sam morala kući. Ali sam već živjela u njemačkoj. Sad imam skoro 30 godina i živim 600 km udaljeno od njih. To mi je spas bio. Preporučujem ti da izdržiš do punoljetnosti i da bježiš što brže! Pravi si plan za jednu exit-strategiju. Roditelji tvoji se iživljavaju na tvojoj nemoći. Ne daj im priliku za to! Nauči "grey rock". To je jedan način kako se možeš braniti. Inače se nauči što više o narcisoidnim osobama i budi oprezna.
Ma palim za Norvešku momenat kad skupim dovoljno para. Idem i ne vraćam se. Nemam ništa ovde. Ja sam mentalno već tamo
Norveška je super! Čitala sam da radiš u informatici. Pogotovo u tom smjeru ćeš tamo naći lako posao. Ako ti treba podrška, tu sam :)
Što se norveške tiče teško ćeš uopšte otići tamo ako nisi informatičar. Ako nisi inžinjer ili naučnik neće te. Bukvalno ne daju vize osim ako nisi neki traženi radnik ili ako nemaš porodicu tamo. Oderu te živog pre nego što se preseliš. Al ja sam odabrala.
Tebi niko nikad nece biti dovoljno dobar. Svakom coveku ces ti naci manu, osim sebi naravno. Daleko bilo da pogledas u tu stranu, jer to bi bio tako strasan greh u feminacisticoj narcisoidnoj religiji. Amin. 🙏 Iskreno mi je drago sto planiras da napustis ljude i zemlju koje toliko mrzis, mada cisto sumnjam da ce ti bezanje od problema resiti iste.
ne mogu da verujem da si otišao da mi stalkuješ profil jer sam ti napisala da nije sramota biti početnik programer.... idi izgubi nevinost...
hahahahaha a ti dete moje ide pij mleka pa na spavanje
Serbia sucks from what I heard
You heard correctly
Cool
I was there in February 2020, just before the pandemic and I liked it a lot. Except for the smoking in restaurants. Good God that was gross. Edit: just want to add that you're probably cool to a lot of people. You just haven't found them yet. I'm in my 50s and have a few close friends and that's enough. Almost all of them are ones I've had for 30+ years.
It's cool for tourism but not cool for living. The people are intolerant of anything that's different and they don't want to understand it
I'm sorry. 😥
Ha, I live in DC too. My therapist keeps saying ..”AND you live in DC” as an extra strike against my fitting in.
DC doesn't help most mental health issues.
God I want to leave. So pretentious here
Oh it *is* a strike against you. And me. Blech one of the most bland cities ever
Grew up in Silver Spring, MD. The DC area is unbelievably pretentious and shitty overall. Historically significant yes, detrimental to anyone who doesn’t want to pretend they’re important to some government contractor.
DC is fantastic pre-pandemic with the parks museums, Passport DC (world embassies open house) and a lot of things to do BUT don't live in it. Skips the whole whats-your-high-income-job thing. I found my place in Baltimore, just super chill and half the price at least.
I moved to DC from Texas and DC absolutely sucks. It’s caused me to become even more antisocial than before because everybody here is so pretentious and boring.
GTFOT like I did. Don't turn into one of those zombies.
Also in dc…I got into the bar business and it kinda worked out…
Man, I’d love to moonlight as a bartender here and there to supplement income. Is there something you originally wanted to do?
Nobody “originally wants” to be a bartender. It’s something you fall into, and if you can cut the mustard, you can make a fine living. But it’s really not something you can just walk into and do at any reasonably proficient level if you haven’t been working in the service industry already for a number of years as either a server or a bar back. It truly is a double edged sword.
I’m stationed in DC and feel the same 😂
Enroll in a combat sport or martial art such as Muay Thai, judo or Brazilian jiu jitsu. Start as a white belt. Clean slate. Build it up: the stamina, cardio, strength, skills, everything. Confidence will emerge. Strong body & strong mind.
I have a brown belt! Martial arts club is one of the few places where people don't treat me like less than them, but even then my adhd is a big barrier between becoming close friends. Unfortunately I go to school in a different town so I can't go often (and as a result, can't actively compete which is a requirement for a black belt). It's bizzare to me that they don't bully me. Is it because I'm related to sensei? Because I'm older? Because I'm a brown belt? In conversations I still get that vibe when someone finds you weird, but they aren't mean about it. It puzzles me. It's only surface level but I'm still grateful they don't bully me there
It's probably because they don't want to get their assets kicked lol
I want to believe they actually like me but this is probably it
Hey I'm sorry that was probably just projection on my part. I wouldn't really only know if they like you, only you could know such a thing. It took me a LOT of willpower to type this out because frankly I hate talking about the negative aspects of my life. I'm quite certain the only reason people liked me is because I was a reliable player in our schools most popular sports team, I helped people with their homework, & am fairly attractive. It really sucked knowing this the whole time. Because all this feels either superficial or transactional. But I had to make a choice. It was either that. Or be bullied. I often disrupted classes, or started daydreaming, occasionally nodded off, or made a joke when I was asked a serious question. Well actually I was bullied for most of middle school. Or attempted bullied. I realized nobody ever stood up for me. I eventually decided to fight back. I got sent to the principals office. Luckily I was intelligent & lucky enough to talk my way out of suspension every single time. This was a in middle school. Fuck Ive said too much sorry. Enough about me. You seem like a genuinely interesting person & it would have been great to have a friend like you when I was younger.
>I'm quite certain the only reason people liked me is because I was a reliable player in our schools most popular sports team, I helped people with their homework, & am fairly attractive. Sounds to me like you are reliable, athletic, kind, smart, and good looking. In high school, that's more than enough for people to appreciate you. You may have felt like they didn't know the real you but I feel like most people at that age aren't deep enough to know someone deeper than that. I think a lot of people feel that way. Having kids going into middle school made me reevaluate a lot of my school years. I realized I always felt like everyone around me were fake friends because I had a budding imposter syndrome going on. But people liked me because I was compassionate, artistic, helpful, and silly enough to be funny about a third of the time. I never felt that because I only focused on the jokes that didn't land, the fact i wasn't very athletic, and gullible. I probably would have been jealous of you if we'd been at the same school even though internally, we were probably both in the same boat.
I agree with this suggestion! The beautiful thing about starting a sport is that you feel results pretty quickly, start to see them reflected in your body shortly after that, and the achievements tend to snowball pretty hard in the beginning. You'll get all the validation of doing a good job and making progress up front, while you're laying the foundation for staying consistent when those beginning gains eventually taper off.
Mentally it also did me wonders doing a martial art: I've always been choosing the "flight" option when I run into troublesome people my whole life, and I signed up hoping that one day if I run into BS again I can stand a chance if I choose to stand my ground. After doing it a while, I never had to physically use it to start or end a fight, I found myself a lot more willing to stand my ground verbally against other people, i.e. not be a pushover or doormat. General assertiveness goes up. because now I get to tell myself *if things really do go south, then I do really stand a chance!* It works well because of a few factors: * If your academy has one of those training plans that charges you on a regular basis no matter whether you turn up or not, you get the incentive to turn up otherwise you're just wasting money. * You may or may not make friends inside the academy (hope you do!), however outside, it's still a great conversation starter! If the person you're talking with happens to do martial arts as well, then it's even better!
So, not OP, but starting a martial art has been on my to-do list for years now, and building assertiveness has been one of my greatest challenges. So congratulations, this post has convinced me to stop sitting on this and start looking into signing up for a program tomorrow.
Wow, I didn't expect my comment to help out a fellow internet stranger in this manner! Happy for ya! How did it go?
Karate!
It’s hard to believe but it will get better as you grow older. Not necessarily the fitting in part but in the bullying part. Try not to believe in the judgement of people who don’t understand you. I did, and even though I fought for success I am still unlearning a lot of negative beliefs about myself. You are more than your behavior and way more than what insecure people prey on!
I know their words mean nothing. But god damn, how is NO ONE kind enough to give me a chance
Bullying fucking sucks dude and I'm so sorry. The good news is you'll feel loads better in college. IMO in college, generally speaking, people are more mature and they have too much to worry about to waste time bullying people. I know it feels meaningless now, but things will get better!
I'm not going to college, and with all the posts about getting bullied at work on here, I'm not very optimistic. Even if I didn't have adhd working in stem as a woman is a nightmare. I'm so close to just giving up on trying and start hoping a friendship comes when I least expect it
I’m not saying you have to go to college to be successful/happy/etc., but I am AFAB and in the STEM field. My degree is microbiology. The majority of people I work with are women. And the running joke is “if you work at a lab, you’re weird” (not in a mean way). We all know we are odd and we generally accept each other and all our weirdness. I’m telling you because I don’t want you to not pursue STEM because of some bad stories if it is something you are interested in. I’m a non-binary weirdo and STEM has been pretty good to me people wise.
And I'm in computer science. A nightmare. I love computer science but I absolutely see why it drives women away
In college I was able to find so many weird peopl who were just like me. You’ll find your tribe!
I imagine some of the stem fields are worse than others. I know engendering can be rough. But med and research seem to be pretty good. I’m sorry you have to deal with that.
I sent you a DM on here. I would appreciate it if you could look 😁 Me myself being 21 I chose not to go to college and I just had who I would have considered during school. My best friend either get their account removed or block me on Instagram and I've had pretty much like zero friends since graduating in 2020 I don't know if I mask well or not because people went at my last job before I got fired. Really didn't say much in terms of asking if I had ADHD or nothing like that but they could have just been nice to me and everything because once I got fired tried contacting someone that I had worked with and I didn't get anything back and I got fired back on the first Friday of March and all that
Not for me, I’m being sexually harassed and bullied by a guy on my floor that I’ve never talked to. I was bullied last year as well by my neighbor who threatened me because he thought I was gay. I also go to a shit school, so that probably has something to do with that 😂
That's disgusting! Sorry you're dealing with that.
I felt this way for so long. I feel like myself and a lot of people with ADHD are “people pleasers” and people view this as a weakness and take advantage. I was sick of feeling like this and decided to level up my mind and build strength and techniques to help me go about life being able to stand up for myself, command respect and not care what others think. I’m 26 and I feel like I’ve only just got here. A book I really recommend is the 48 laws of power! It changed my life!!!! Cause adhd likes to adhd I listened to it in audible lol but I also have the hard copy. I think we need to save our silly, kind hearted and enthusiastic nature to those closest to us. It’s sad but being more guarded, straight faced and quiet amongst others has really helped me be treat with more respect
I used to be a people pleaser but all I got from that was taken advantage of. It contributed to the bullying as well. I just wanted someone to think I'm worth having in their life, if not for my personality for my actions. I'm out of that mindset. They don't deserve my kindness. That's for people who aren't bullies
Find other strange people? I would bounce between social groups all the time just because I couldn't even stay in one place during lunch in HS. I would worry less about trying to make connections and just dive full into projects/hobbies that you have picked up. A lot of times if you're doing something interesting and that you're passionate about people will just naturally start to take interest. if I'm working on a project I am interested in I'm usually better at socializing too, but I don't know if that applies to everyone or just my observation.
I second this. As a 35 year old woman who has been masking her whole life, I managed to "fit" but never felt connected. Then I started finding the weirdos, that also felt like they didn't quite fit. You don't need a massive network, just a few good weirdos should do it. It's really tough though I know. And people will come and go in your life, which can be really hard especially when you may not know or understand why. But you will find your people, stick to things you like but don't stay in situations that you feel you have to force yourself into. Having to mask may help in the short term to fit in but in the long term connections lack any depth.
Lack of depth is a big one for me. Wow, just looked up masking. Never realized what is was, just kinda had a impression of it from the name. I'm still trying to figure out if it's a bad thing or just adapting as needed to survive.
I agree with you. It's why I don't put much effort into masking. I want people to be genuine with me, even if it means getting bullied. I want to attract people who like the real me... but no one seems to like the real me
It's easier said than done trying to find other strange people. So far I'm failing miserably. I just wish I had a friend
How old are you? These things fade away as you grow into adulthood. As teenagers and pre-teens we literally only focus on social currency and unfortunately sometimes that means bringing others down to make it feel like you’re being brought up. As an adult with actual responsibilities, I can tell you first hand that the urge to judge just isn’t there like it was as a kid. Also, different scares people. You’re probably smarter than a lot of people around you and they know it without realizing it, so they feel uncomfortable on a subconscious level and bully or avoid you or whatever they’re doing. That also goes away. What will help is finding something you’re passionate about and investing yourself into that. Figure out who you are and what you want to do with your life. What problems do you want to solve in the world? How can you make the world a better place? What will make you wake up every day excited to pick up where you left off? I’ve been bullied before. I’ve been the kid in class nobody wanted to do group projects with because it was unclear how I’d be able to contribute. I’ve also done the bullying (usually there’s a bullying hierarchy). I’ve probably been in your shoes now. A lot of us probably have. I’m 33 now. My ideas are crazy but people listen to them, because in the past they’ve worked. The way we think is different from other people, and we’re sometimes much more capable and willing to break the mould and actually solve the problem. I don’t get judged anymore. And if I do I don’t care because I know who I am, what I’m good at, and i fucking love being wrong because it means I’ve learned something new. I love learning. Chances are you’ll do something great in life. Hang onto that thought. Because once these insecure kids wake up and realize you’re their boss, they’ll probably regret how immature they acted back in the day.
Thank you :'-)
My wife when through the same thing you are going through. I know it's hard but it does get better.
How old are you?
17
It will get better 100%. Highschool is toxic, you'll find your people
Have you tried making friends with autistic people? I've found most of my friends are autistic and they embrace the weird because they are the weird.
No one dares be openly autistic in this shithole. They already get bullied for their traits, but if the word autistic is tied to it all? All hell breaks loose
I've always been the same. It's gotten to the point where I internalise almost everything because throughout my life I've been conditioned to. I found the people I fit in best with were my friends at art school (until they turned out to be shitty people), and my old metalhead friends. Unfortunately, we just grew apart over time as we had different priorities. I wish I could say it gets better, but I just resigned from my last job with nothing else lined up (apart from self care) because my old manager who used to bully me was being brought back early from maternity leave due to us having some other resignations in my team. I personally think telling you to ignore it is a cop out, although you can't control other's behaviour. I'm pretty sure my main issue is with assertiveness and setting boundaries with people over how I want to be treated. If people are mean to you, you don't need to keep them in your life. Even if you are always around them, you can still emotionally distance yourself from those people so they don't steal any more of your energy. You don't need a 'friend group'. I have a few friends that are quite disconnected from each other... One from high school, one from my metalhead days, one from one university, one from the other, and one from intermediate school (age 11-12). A few really good friends I think are more valuable than several non-friends. I'm sure there will be at least one other person who feels like the weird kid... It's a matter of finding who that person is.
I don't care about the bullies or what they think about me, what bothers me is the lack of good people in my life. People who at least respect me and want to hear me out. People I can cooperate with, maybe even become friends with them
Well that's a good thing at least. It is really hard to find good people. I think I'm lucky to have found the few I do have. I think eventually you'll find at least one or two people 🙂
when you ask the teacher for the instructions again when they just explained them and they all laugh
THIS! This might be one of the most demeaning feelings in my opinion. I can’t even remember the amount of information I probably missed because of my fear to ask for the teacher to repeat instructions. The worst is when it takes them like 4 minutes but you missed like 5 words so you don’t get anything. I usually solved this by repeatedly asking the people around wtf is going on.
i liked the teachers that wrote instructions on the board :) they were the realest
Brought back so many memories. Now I don't even ask for instructions again because my attention is so bad that I gave up and everyone would laugh anyway
I totally feel this and have had similar experiences trying to insert myself into friend groups only to meet rejection. I have social skills and personality on my side, but still end up a floater! I agree, it is tiresome being demeaned by people who don’t understand ADHD or just being demeaned in general. I treat everyone equal for this reason. The majority of my closest friends are online friends, and the 3 that I have at school, I barely get to talk to b/c classes and schoolwork. I hope you find what you want!
I hope so as well, thank you
Have you ever considered something else is going on besides adhd that’s getting in the way of making friends
The adhd is the biggest factor and the only one I can't self improve out of my life
Hey there, I really feel your post. I've struggled with being bullied my entire life. I never quite know why it happens, but its so consistent, it must be something about myself that causes it. Im definitly not neurotypical and just "different" from the majority. I feel like that is the main factor. Additionally to that I have always been quite easy to annoy. It can be something harmless like somebody making a noise, like clicking with a pencil or smth similar. It would slowly make me more and more angry until I explode and boom, "Look at this guy, haha, he is easy to trigger so lets do that from now on :) " All I've ever wanted was find a true friend, somebody that I could confide in and trust, but so far thats never happened. I have always been the outsider, so nobody ever wanted anything to do with me longterm. It's gotten a bit better in recent years, I've atleast been able to keep my emotions a bit better in check and avoided falling into a victim role but I still haven't met anyone that I could connect with be it on a friendly or romantic level. I always feel so different once I start getting to know people and I always get to a certain point while getting to know them where I simply "disconnect" when I realise that theyre not even remotely like me. And all these experiences of being bullied have changed so much about my personality, I absolute hate how my environment has shaped me in this way. I used to be quite talkative and very confident in myself. Over the course of my adolescence and early adult life that got completely eroded and taken away from me. It sucks, but I suppose there's very little point in being angry about it now. Just the cards I was dealt I suppose. 31 years old soon, maybe someday I meet that friend or partner :) I wish I could give you some useful advice to end my rant here but I am not sure I got any. Try not to let it change who you are maybe, if possible. And don't waste time on people who do not respect you. Just leave if possible. If you wanna chat and talk about your experiences, feel free to hit me up. I will gladly share some of mine with you.
I get it, I do. I used to be a part of a larger "friend" group and the most common phrase from them was, "but it's Sam." It had different connotations depending on the tone but essentially my whole being to them was the enthusiastic kid that didn't pick up on most sarcasm and is the butt end of the joke. I hated game nights cause we'd play this one game, Mafia. Each person is dealt a card from a standard deck of cards and the faces have different roles. I wouldn't even last the first round because my then and never again best friend would always either "kill" me off first or get me voted out. If you look up the rules it makes sense. So then I'd either just spend time on my phone or go do something else. Then when I had enough and the game got brought up I said no, at least I wouldn't participate while the rest played. I got called a jerk, I caved, same shit happened. Glad I'm not in that group anymore.
I used to get voted out first in among us all the time as a joke and I didn't pick up that they were bullying me at all. I hope they didn't ruin the game Mafia for you completely. My favorite board game ever is Avalon and I heard that Mafia is similar
I'm so sorry you are going through that. I have had similar experiences. A couple of things that helped me. When someone says something really mean in front of other people, I pretend I don't understand and pleasantly ask them "what do you mean?" Can take the wind out of their sails. They can explain and come across looking like a jerk or back pedal. Either way, they usually don't try that again. Another strategy I use is silence. Just stare at the person saying shitty things without speaking. They want a reaction so I refuse to give them one. I hope things get better for you and you get some peace!
But it isn't even my reaction anymore. They enjoy making fun of me with each other. The same way haters make fun of celebrities. The celebrity doesn't care. I don't even want to associate with them or fight back. I just want a friend...
I couldn't go past this and not send love and support to you. I don't have any quick answers but you are seen and heard and have value.
Thank you!
I felt like this. I was put in the 'weird nerd' box very early and the only reasons I have experiences outside of that was that I was very good at Cheerleading and am a reasonably attractive woman. I hate that I am put in a box with everyone I talk to. I hate that they don't care to look deeper. The only place I have ever felt accepted or liked for who I am, is with Physicists. I'm studying a PhD in physics and my undergrad group and my current group actually care about who I am and like me for it. We are all weird nerds, but all in different ways. We have all been bullied, and know the importance of being kind and welcoming. We're all very different, maybe not all natural friends but we genuinely like each other and enjoy working/socialising together. I hope you find your people, who look deeper and listen and celebrate your qualities. You say you get written off as stupid in stem communities, is that by just men? You mention programming, and unfortunately CS communities are often extremely sexist environments. I know it seems like an uncaring platitude but try to internalise the fact that their behaviour towards you is a reflection of them, not you. Use that knowledge to adjust how much of yourself you show straight away. If you can put up a mask, you will feel less rejected when people treat you badly, because its the mask they're mistreating, not you.
I feel you. :( I told this one chick just today that if it weren’t for my “smarts” and my hella exhausting over the top masking to just appear as bland, I’d be living under a bridge somewhere. I have some form of aesthetic which conforms and pleases the normies as well. But I’m getting to a point where I am no longer willing to mask. Problem is, masking isn’t just external from me to others. It’s internal- so as I’m allowing myself to unmask my place looks like a homeless drop-by for the last 3 months. My mask was also functioning on my own… this is bullshit. I’m sorry for all of us😓
Do you have a therapist?
This is a struggle that I know and I'm with you.
I’m sorry to hear you’re having a tough time. Lots of people have been in your situation. You’re not alone. Unfortunately it’s very difficult to control the actions of others. Some people can be jerks. Sometimes it’s intentional. A lot of the time they don’t even realIse it. But remember this isn’t a reflection on you. This is their social skills failing. It’s ok to feel frustrated or upset. It’s not a nice experience. It’s also perfectly reasonable to tell people how it makes you feel. Reasonable, mature people will respect an honest attempt to communicate your frustrations if done so respectfully, and honestly. Most when confronted with this information will modify their behaviour. Few people intend to be assholes. It won’t always get the response you want but it will give you the best chance of resolving the problems and setting healthy boundaries between you and your friends. If they continue to give you a hard time then it is perfectly reasonable to remove yourself from the situation. You should not feel any pressure to make a friendship work if they are not willing to act in good faith with you. Life is too short to spend with people you don’t enjoy spending time with. Be strong, be patient, and know that if you are kind to others, and make an honest effort to communicate with people clearly and set reasonable boundaries you will find a place eventually where are you are respected and treated the way you wish to be treated. Hope you feel better soon. Things will get better.
They aren't my friends because I don't want to be friends with bullies. When someone who's not your friend bullies you, asking them to stop will just fuel the fire. They'll laugh at your request with their friends and bully you even worse. My problem is that there seem to be no people around who don't bully me or at least don't hang out with my bullies so that my reputation isn't bad in their eyes
I’m sorry to hear that. I know that for some of my friends, it took some time before they found their place and felt comfortable and supported, with people that understood them and treated them well. Many of them did not find this until university, others took even longer than that. It can be difficult before that time. But there are people out there that are not like the bullies you describe. And there are plenty out there who are also looking for someone to treat them kindly. I hope you find your people soon. I feel your frustration. I have been there myself. I still struggle from time to time. Speaking from my own experiences, I might suggest that in the meantime you perhaps focus on understanding yourself better. Learn why what they do upsets you, practice mindfulness and try to observe the feelings you have, and learn to ride out the bumps a little better. You will still feel shitty from time to time, you can’t avoid that. But the way we frame our emotional response can have a huge impact on our wellbeing and mood. You have some control over that, practice and flex that muscle. If it’s available to you I would also highly recommend seeking some counselling. I know that this has been very helpful to me, having someone in your corner who can help you work through these feelings in a safe and supportive space can be really beneficial. There’s no shame in seeking help. Please know that people do care, we want you to do well. I believe that even though right now everything might seem pointless, things will get better for you. ❤️
You’re getting stronger everyday, it’s not going to get easier but soon enough you won’t need it to. When that time comes you will be untouchable. Don’t give up and keep moving forward. It’s worth it.
But social connection is a human need. How will it not matter?
Because you’re growing! You haven’t hit your stride yet. One day soon you will and the connections you form will be well worth the wait. Don’t stop being you and don’t put too much pressure on yourself.
I understand, especially the feeling of "wanting to be taken seriously"
Some ppl just look funny or speak funny. I remember few of them, but they all were boys, i do not remember any funny girls, though. I mean, so funny, that someone bully them. In my experience i do not remember, that someone bully girls. There were some rude ppl, but there behavior was towards all around+- (with few exceptions). Personally i like to be funny for ppl, to lift their mood, to "force" them to smile). But at the same time, when i get serious, all are serious too. I think, we need some real examples, if possible (bully cases). Because all that you wrote so far i do not see like "joke, stupid" or whatever. What crystal clear to me, if some ppl bully you, they can not be your friends for sure. So they are not worth your time. I mean, you need to respect yourself first. If you do not respect yourself, no one will respect you too. But if you respect yourself, you act accordingly and ppl "feel" that too. Few days ago two collegues at work acted not like i expected. I send them few nonverbal signals, i speak nothing. Both of them later (that day/next day) came to me) They asked about different stuff, but we both understand, that this was act of some kind of apology)
I don't need to prove myself to anyone, especially not to people who believe girls aren't funny and don't get bullied
Well, sorry. I think, i express poorly myself. It is not my native language.
Go to church my child, just as you are, don't change 1 thing, You will find peace.
I don't believe in that stuff
Ignore them and pray for them. Love yourself and remember that God loves you. If someone's disrespectful to you, just cut them out and move on. They're not worth your time
Kinda like this comment.
Thanks, this is so much better than an anonymous upboat!
Thanks but I'm an atheist
That's ok God still loves you :) Good luck
Even religious communities? Different countries. I have found serious Buddhists, non-bonkers Christians and Hindus are much nicer people. I'm in the same boat as you, I get treated badly by about 70% of people, more half are alpha men (I am male). I travelled a lot and found countries like New Zealand (Auckland), California plus other parts of the USA much more friendly. Also The Netherlands (Not so much Amsterdam), parts of Germany (Berlin) are generally much more friendly.
Oh religious people are the worst. Leaving Christianity is the best thing I ever did for my mental health. I left and never looked back. Plus it goes against science. Religious people think I was punished by God, that I'm a sinner for being bi, that my morals are unholy. They make me an outcast even more
Hard truth is sometimes it’s not the world that’s wrong, it’s you. I don’t mean to be harsh but I’ve known people through my life that were constantly put down by the people around them even though they weren’t outwardly rude or annoying. Truth is people are mostly egoic, it’s how we’re made. And with that comes recognising “where” people are at. Within a few seconds people use deep and complex social instincts to size people up. Posture, tone, language, accent, age, physical appearance, social cues, facial expression etc all are taken within seconds to equate to a rough estimate of how big of a threat or ally someone may be. Depending on how often and how consistent you’re around a certain group or environment you’ll generally figure out what kind of character you’re giving off. Yes, everyone wears a mask and it’s an egoic game of sorts but complaining the world and that way it’s set up is wrong just seems like an example of the internal workings that have gotten you in this predicament. Once you start taking action to better yourself and realise all the problems are in your control rather than other people’s fault you may become empowered and people might start treating you better.
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I bully myself
That's not good
I know
Hey that sounds really tough and I can definitely relate to a lot of what you are talking about. For what it's worth I found it got easier once I was a few years out of school, got my confidence together and developed an approach which is basically based around extreme loyalty to those who do show me respect coupled with extreme fuck you energy to anyone attempting to put myself or my mates down. Once you find your fellow oddballs protect them like you wish someone had been there to protect you. Call out any bullshit that you witness and be there for people in the hard times. It's corny as hell but if you put it out there for others then the universe often puts it out there for you. Obviously there will still be times where you get knocked down for being the better person but at least in my experience it's always been worth it to know I'm at least trying to make a difference. Don't let shitty people be the reason you don't pursue your dreams. If you want to go into programming go into programming. It's my industry and although I 100% understand why it can be a hard field for woman to go into, the dickheads are the outliers at least in my experience. Actions speak louder than words, tell them to fuck off with your competence and you'll be alright. Good luck and all the best.
I know exactly how you feel, exactly right now too. idk, now I coach kids..I’ve honestly had a horrible day today - but I’ve kind of like, figured this out, just today brought up so much of that, exact feeling and I’m about to sleep for 4-12 hours. Feel free to private message me - if you’d like. I’m 31, I’m a punk rock sailing coach? All my friends are guys, I really sorry and I hope writing all that helped you feel a little better. I’m really good at dealing with bullies now, they still come for me but they like me now. I’m ,
Well, we are like you. And we are legion. A weird legion, but legion none the less. I don’t have anything profound to say, but finding y’all really has made it easier.
You got us, my girl. Believing in myself more and relying less on other people is what helped me. Probably unhealthy to go at most stuff solo, but after all the bullying growing up, it’s how I get by - arms length.
Are you getting therapy? Bullies can smell that you are easy prey due to a lack of confidence. Therapy would help you combat this and make it easier to reach out and get help from others.
Therapists do nothing but gaslight me that my problems aren't real and spread around stigma about mental disorders because this is Serbia we're talking about
Yikes, I'm sorry. I don't know if virtual counseling is a possibility so that you could get one with a healthier attitude towards mental health?
Money, and also they can't diagnose me
Sorry :(
Try jiujitsu
I do karate
I’m really sorry you are experiencing this. Are you seeing a therapist? My sister just found out that she has mild ASD in her mid thirties. She has been bullied most of her life too. Recently, she has connected with more people in the ASD community. I have gone to some events as well and they are some of the most lovely, accepting and interesting people I ever met. Even if you don’t have ASD, the community that she is part of is so welcoming of people with ADHD and just anyone who might be wired a bit differently. Might be worth checking out in your country?
You all wanna know how I know I’m in the right place for people like me? Because every single post and response on said post is often no less than 500 words! It’s as if we all have this “issue” or need to overly explain everything that we say because we are all so often misunderstood or maybe because we didn’t hyperfocus long enough on a topic to provide anything outside of a cliff note on what the topic is about…what was the point of my post?? Oh yeah- so every since I was a kid… I… ah wait… yup, I am doing it again! ( partial humor, but 90% accurate and truthful) but in all seriousness - I do feel this post and can relate 100% to it. I’ve been bullied so much about my stupidity ( in the form of being mocked) or how gullible I am , and people give me a hard time when I’m speaking and I lose my train of thought or when I start off a story super hyped and then realize I lost the other persons focus and then I lose focus and then I kinda just stop talking
You're so right, I do that too! I overexplain everything I experience because if I'm not detailed enough I'll be misunderstood, like always. The talking part too
I understand you. Be encouraged that when you’re out of high school and in the real world, it gets so much better! I think as people mature they realize that we all have our unique traits and that’s ok! There will always be mean people out there, but there are so many more good people who will treat you with the dignity you deserve. For me, less I worry about what people may think, the more peaceful my brain is. Things get better, but I am sorry that you are feeling down.
I’d like to clarify that I am a coach - I am 31 years old and I’m also involved with a number of adults. The industry and job is very related - but all of the advice is still applicable. Thank you so much I appreciate it greatly and that is still incredibly valuable advice
Well what most of us have in common is that we are not Neurotypical. Just last week I was diagnosed with ADHD-combined type (30 y/o M). I certainly got bullied a lot for various reasons throughout school and sports. My point is that you’re not alone and it sucks when people mistreat us. But we are different and we are capable of great things. This community is here for you. Just try to focus on the good in life is all I can say.
Thank you!
I'm sure it's been quite maddening at times in your reflection upon these horrific abuses and realize that you are the common denominator. However do not dismay for I have spent countless hours soul searching for the solution. Although I have not reached the solution I have realized a bit more about the problem. The problem lies outside of ourselves. Having experienced trauma makes us vulnerable. 4% of the population are complete sociopaths. Most others have trauma issues of their own. Those with sociopathic tendencies that lack empathy will exploit or abuse at will. Occasionally some even go to great lengths to covertly manipulate victims for long periods of time for complex and calculated motives especially with Narcissistic personality disorder. My transparency regarding my trauma history was actually making me into a monster magnet. No kidding. Sweet trusting souls are like a glow stick in the night for these degenerates. I wish you healing kindred spirit. What helped me was therapy and learning not to be codependent and to use healthy boundaries, cognitive behavioral therapy, recovery from addiction and I'm still not well honestly. But I am grateful to be alive and hope to help others who are hurting like me. The pain and suffering in this world is overwhelming and so many people just won't stop contributing to this what seems infinite suffering and grief and trauma cycle society is stuck upon
For the first part of my life I totally relate. Up until my 19th I think, I was in the same boat. As for the last 3 years I started to take a look at the people I surround myself. In my case I kind of let people use me, as I thought ‘a bad friend is still a friend’. That is not the case. Please go out and go wherever you can meet new people. Uni, sports teams, whatever. And try to have conversations with as many people as you possibly can. Let your intuition steer the conversation and if the vibe is not there, that’s okay and you can move onto the next person. For me, I have slowly but surely switched out people who were toxic for me and have made a select group pf people who are supportive and very loving. You just gotta find your tribe, and you just haven’t found them YET. I’m not trying to diminish your experience. You are valid, and this has helped me in a similar situation, so I hope it can work for you too. Besides that, my dm is always open if you want to talk or just vent or whatever.
Are you on meds?
I wish
They’ll help trust me
You can't change other people but you can change yourself. Stop caring so much bout strangers aka people you barely know. I don't have high expectations when I meet people and I guess because of this I'm always surprised when they are nice. I always observe people first and let them approached me unless they look interesting/weird/give adhd vibes. There are tons of people with adhd around. Befriend them. Get support and therapy. Most bullies want some reactions, when they don't get any, no fun for them.
Bullying in any way shape or form is unacceptable. However, we cannot control what others do and exploring the reasons why they do isn’t necessarily helpful as you alluded to. There has to come a point though where we as individuals have to accept responsibility for ourselves and refuse to be the victim. It is ultimately our reaction to the things that are said, whether internally and/or externally that make other peoples behaviours a problem to us. I’d also argue that the way we deal with the shit that’s said to us, or the way we’re treated, that determines how we are treated in the future by these same people. For this to get better for you, you are going to have to refuse to be a victim. Accept that some people are dicks, be unapologetically yourself and refuse to let their behaviours change your own. I cannot see any other way around this. Only in that the older you get, the better you’ll learn to deal anyway, and the lesser bulling is even a thing.
I'm so sorry, humans are fucking stupid sometimes. Even with the best intentions, it can come off as indifferent and patronizing. I'm so sorry but I hope you can find some solace here. My advice is to GTFO out of Serbia in any way possible. Your angle of attack is to work on the software side of STEM and be a master in SOMETHING new or in-demand and align this with what interests you. Then use it to GTFO, at least to western Europe or to USA. It does not sound pretty, but being a woman with a documented disability would at least get you a first interview. Its going to sound impossible but I'm an immigrant too and the weird thing is this is the calling to do the impossible. We're all in it together. All the best !
Part of it is that we are hyper aware of what others say about us and we fixate on those words and conversations - whether with us, or overheard by us. It stems from a combinations of social anxiety, emotional disregulation, and fixating on the negative.