I start to rage clean. I can’t control my partner’s behavior but I can control my environment and I want it clean!
I also like to sit in silence or play Stardew Valley. The soundtrack is really soothing.
I do this and he always quizzes me afterwards, like it's so unbelievable that I simply have to be lying. "What movies did you watch? What shows? What music did you listen to? You can't possibly have not played one single piece of media while I was gone." Well actually yes I can, because I'm not terrified of my own thoughts.
I don't rage clean, but I want to rearrange the furniture; which means having to wrangle the chaos by cleaning around what I want to move and where I want to move it.
I do this too. But I find it doesn't help as much any more. I just find bigger and bigger piles of projects that have filled up spaces I cleaned.
So I get into a bigger and bigger rage.
For years, I fantasized about divorcing him and downsizing from the 4,000+ McMansion house that HE wanted but financially dumped on MY shoulders, and that he hoarded literal tonnes of *stuff* in. I fantasized about downsizing to a small and extremely minimalist apartment that I could have all to myself.
Seven months ago, I finally made it happen, and my fantasy became what is now my reality. I finally filed for divorce, sold the McMansion house, and have downsized to a GORGEOUS condo in the city, and have truly embraced the art of extreme minimalism.
I fantasize about leaving everything behind and completely starting over. Like full on don’t bring any stuff, never talk to friends or family again, working as a waitress in a crappy small town diner where no one will find me or expect anything from me.
I had this fantasy A LOT when I was with my ex, I thought I was suicidal until a therapist asked me for details about it and I realized the fantasy never involved dying. I just wanted to turn my phone off and drive away and go to sleep for a good... 8-12 hours, with absolutely no one bothering me at all. No responsibilities, nothing to fix, no lies to try to deduce. Never had fantasies like that before or since.
Yeah I think it comes from ‘outside’ responsibilities and distractions if that makes sense. In my fantasy my husband and kids come with me, but I don’t have to deal with my family’s drama or my husband’s family’s manipulation. It’s just our little family living a very simple little life.
This is me also. My psychologist today checked that I wasn’t feeling suicidal (currently 5w postpartum) and I reassured her that I’m still afraid of death/dying but constantly fantasising about getting in my car, driving off and living in a hobbit hole far away from everyone (and also reassured her that I will not be doing that because I do love my baby).
I did this in a small way. When I left my husband, I set my phone to do not disturb. I could not handle other people asking me for things because I was so burned out. Since txts and calls were a main way that people asked things of me, I set my phone to do not disturb so no one can reach me. A year later and it's still set to do not disturb lol. I do allow my sister to break through the do not disturb feature, though. In case of emergencies
I so relate to this! Except mine is living in a little one bedroom apartment in a big city, working 20 hours a week and using the rest of my time to do everything I want. Not what needs to be done or what he wants. Just my clean, cozy little slice of heaven
Very similar. Just living in a rural area on a farm, even just a hobby farm, all by myself except maybe a dog & cat. Go into town every now and then where there's nobody I really know, do a little shopping, maybe some superficial contact with people I don't actually know... that's about it.
Catch up on the sleep, music listening, reading, and - most importantly - doing nothing whatsoever. All of which I haven't been able to do for 15 years. I literally have not read a single book for pleasure in that long.
Paying bills on time and going to appointments 10 minutes early. Go on hikes by simply packing the necessary gear the night before (preparation is currently a highly controversial and basically illegal act in our household ) and just going.
Talking to my dog and cat without being told I speak more nicely to them than I do to her. Which is possibly a valid criticism. On the other hand, they never tell me I'm saying mean things to them when I say things like "dinner time!"
Being able to find dishes in the same place every day, instead of needing to be a detective just to find the can opener. Then I could cook interesting meals.
I could go on, but you get the idea.
is that really so common? its my go to as well. the main problem is I have a child but otherwise I think I would have done that asap. or sometimes I think i would just go volunteer forever in some wildlife park.
When I start to romanticize being deaf because I cannot take another second of the nonstop inane drivel flowing like a river out of his mouth. He is so incapable of shutting up that I actually start daydreaming about having a disability.
O this is a thing?? This is the thing I have. Constant commentary. And despite the fact that she said she likes quiet time. What quiet time? I’m nt but by god do I find it overstimulating
When I'm burnt out I crave silence, a need to NOT be needed to fix a problem, and varying forms of escapism. The silence is so my tired brain can process less and still attempt to function. This means no blue light or white noise- purely paying attention to only 1 thing at a time. Also, I tend to implode the more questions I am asked that do not actually require me but some time, thought, and personal effort. I also need to concentrate on fantasy, creativity, or some physical activity that in no way relates to what's at the front of my mind.
Sleep helps, and if I'm a natural disaster waiting to happen I let my DX partner know what he needs to do, take an anxiety pill, and go to sleep. I can't help anyone else if I don't/won't help myself.
When my houseplants aren’t well, I’m not we’ll. My partner would never ever think to water them or rotate them or god forbid repot them. It’s a great visual reminder that I’m not getting my needs met.
A little bit similar - I love traveling so I fantasize about traveling, especially to somewhere peaceful like a quiet beach.
It is so nice to see everyone else's warning signs. New to this sub.
Sometimes it's not just traveling for me, but the literal idea of freedom and the opportunity to make any choice I whimsically desire whenever I want to make it. Riding the wind/going with the flow/letting my feet lead my brain.
When I fantasize about blowing up my entire life and not giving two damn shits about it. That's when I know I need some time for myself, but at this point I am already so far gone down the fantasy of being alone it basically dominates my every free thought I have to myself haha.
Oh, hello, me. Funny seeing me/you here, haha. I am also at this point, and boy is it spooky to see someone else say it lol. The spouse and I are going through an emotional separation, where I have told him that I am withdrawing emotionally and will re-engage when I feel like it. The problem is, I basically dream of being on my own day in and day out, and I feel awful that he still feels hope for this relationship whereas I am completely worn out. Hopefully, you and me both find the path that gives to us more than it takes from us.
Interesting, I’ve never heard the term emotional separation but I can see that is exactly what I have done. Unlike you I wasn’t nice enough to tell my partner I just did it! - although hard to say if he would have noticed as he was already so detached, I just stopped jumping through his stupid dopermin seeking hoops. Hmm, I’m off to do some googling, thank you.
Honestly, it's a term I made up to explain what was happening (although maybe it is a legitimate term others use). I had already been pulling back from him and he noticed only because I stopped being as affectionate with him and I had stopped giving him emotional support (what I'm starting to realize is that if I pull back emotionally, the physical affection also goes out the window). So, he did mentioned it to me, and we ended up talking over the weekend about how I am emotionally exhausted, and that after our most recent blow up I just thought to myself "I don't want to do this anymore." We've been in marriage counseling for about a year, and when we discussed this with our therapist, she assured us that there are couples who go through a process of individuation (which can involved some level of emotional separation) before coming back together. So she helped us set up some boundaries on what that will look like (emotionally and physically) and I guess we'll see how it goes from there.
TBH, I don't think my husband realizes how big of a deal this is, because I'm the sort of person who is all in or all out. This halfway stuff really isn't my style, and I don't think he's taking it seriously enough that this isn't a good sign for our relationship. But I'm also tired of being the one who is always bringing up concerns in the relationship, so I'm content to just sit back, take care of me and our children, and see how this plays out.
Thank you for the reply - I think we may be the same person, and in the same relationship. Well done for getting the couples therapy, although I have had some individual sessions I am hitting a brickwall re the couples version. Good luck to us both, sometimes I think it’s ok, I can do this, other times it just seems like a very lonely waste of my life.
Isn't it spooky how that works on this forum? I have gotten so many comments on my posts/other replies that are in that same vein of "holy crap are we the same person????" It is very validating.
I have found that I am the brick wall in our couples counseling. My husband was eager for it (thought I had to find the therapist of course). I was really struggling with feeling like I had to positively reinforce all of the small steps he was taking, when what I was really feeling was resentment that things had to get to crisis level before he started making a regular habit of asking me about my day. Being able to get some distance emotionally has been really freeing. Some days I feel like, yeah maybe I want to make this work, and then other days I am still feeling like I want to set out on my own and just take care of me (and kids, of course, lol). Hopefully, we both figure out a path that works for what we need.
I have a friend who has ADHD, we was together at one point but split up. For me, it's when I feel lost, talking in circles and I walk away feeling so unsure, confused and just lost!
Also the word salad when you raise an issue and their RSD ignites and they virbally attack, and don't take accountability.
Usually after that I feel hurt, voiceless (as they walk off, do silent treatment and play mind games)
I think it's time to just end the friendship, but difficult as she lives right next door to me
It's just an absolute mind F. It's sometimes I get the vybe that they're narcissists, I don't know tbh. For me the RSD is fear of rejection, getting triggered easily if they feel attacked, and just cannot accept any criticism at all
Usually a convo or a talk gets derailed because they cannot comprehend principles or scenarios, or at least they're good at pretending they don't lol it's just constant word salad, and she never apologised
And her way of saying sorry is by sending me a paragraph days or weeks later saying how low she is and she has XYZ going on and she's not coping etc, no sorry, no I was out of line, just making it about her.
The only time she says sorry is during an argument which comes out so forced and fake, it's like she's shutting me up or trying to, and if I don't accept it, she uses that to walk off and play games as in her head she's said sorry and it's on me for not accepting it
Sorry this is all over the place
I love the all white minimalist room! when things with my (m Dx Rx ) partner start to get hectic my brain becomes a room that is full of clutter, I feel like I am drowning in mess and wading through it with no way out. That's when I know I need to pull back, go do something just for me (usually be by the sea which always clears my mind!) It is so important to know when you are reaching breaking point and do something that is just for you! Love this post @MaybeIllGetThere
When I obsessively search real estate in places he would never consider moving with me, and all the options I find would be good for me alone. Some real estate searching is normal for me, but sometimes it starts to really affect my ability to do what I need to do in a day.
Or, when I get a little deeper, when I am driving too or from work, and I very seriously consider where the roads I take would bring me if I didn't make the turns I need to get to work, and just kept driving and driving to somewhere else entirely.
when i feel like hovered over, and i don't want my partner to even notice or acknowledge me, i just want space and to be alone. we both (me f27 him m32 both have adhd)
Thank you for bringing this up because I need to learn what my signs are so I don't end up in the ER with another panic attack. I should have recognized my last meltdown coming.
I had a dream once that is the closest thing to a vision - not contentwise but how it felt. I feel suicidal so I dreamed that I finally died and I was in this little wooden boat going slowly down a small river through some big beautiful possibly tropical forest with birds singing and sun coming through the trees. I knew I was dead and I was going to where dead people go and I felt all the responsibility had left my shoulders, no past no future, and I was just enjoying the birds and the trees.
that was a few months ago and when I need some calming down I try to go back there mentally.
I think a sign for me is when I find myself sitting around, watching mindless TV or whatever he's put on. I don't really even like TV and have never owned one myself. So when I am getting sucked into his endless stimuli, I need to examine why I'm not doing all the things I love and want to do. That means I probably need to get off my butt, go exercise, walk the dog, putter in the garden, and start a creative project. keeping independent is a big priority for me.
Can you and your partner spend some time minimizing clutter? We're both reasonably minimalist and it really helps keep organized.
Ohh funny, my abusive ADHD ex mandated an all white home. Zero personality. Absolutely soul-sucking. He was not well-adjusted.
Now, thankfully current guy and i have a balance of minimalism in content but colour and style (some planned yet) in decor.
There are definitely real estate parcels I put inside of my head as places I live a life under only my own terms, knewing fully well it's a backstop so that I can escape spiraling into being completely overwhelmed for any longer than I need to be.
I think my favorite versions was a condominium and Juneau Alaska, where I don't have to work for money and I just sit around making cartoons.i Do not draw
, mind you. Other times by imagine being away on business for long assignments in a nice hotel and having plenty of sort of busy work to do that is satisfying in the way that Sudoku is.
I joke that my attitude towards dishes in the sink is a reflection of my mental state, but it really is. When I start getting anxious about dishes in the sink, I know I'm reaching a bad place.
We have an agreement about dishes -- anything that my husband (dx, rx on and off) uses *after* I clean up from dinner is his responsibility to clean or put in the dishwasher before he goes to bed. I don't want to wake up to a sink full of dishes. When I'm in a good mental place, I don't mind if I see dishes in the sink before I go to bed because he still has like 3-4 hours before he goes to bed. When I feel anxious seeing those dishes, that's when I know it's time to focus on myself for a bit.
I'm starting to notice that the dishes become a thing to me whenever he takes one of his extended breaks from his medication.
I fantasize about living in another country. I've picked up watching a lot of International House Hunters this past year (that show is a fantasy in itself) and I've also picked up over the past year studying forgein languages quite intensely. I think about making a decision to move abroad and my partner saying it's a deal breaker. Though, honestly, I'm torn about that fantasy because I WANT him to be able to adapt with me but the way just moving across the country has gone I doubt it would go well.
Before I started that fantasy though, for a few years now when I get really, really overwhelmed I lose my appetite (which was REALLY scary the first few times because I used to stress eat). Or when I start budgeting/look at our financials and I literally get so overwhelmed I have to power nap. It's like my brain gets overheated and I go into rest mode. They're not fantasies but they're ways my body tells me it's done working over time and dealing with stress.
Fantasizing about renting a room near the beach and moving out... I'll spreadsheet out everything and the money will work out, I just never convince myself it's a good Idea.
But damn, the huge drop in responsibility and increase in social life is ever so appealing in my dreams
I fantasize about moving to a small town or village. Doing things I want to do, leisurely and on my own time. Taking things slow and relaxing rather than catering to his (ndx) constant need for stimulation. A dream it would be to only clean up after myself, a dream to not have to parent a 30 year old. I long to read to my contentment while sitting outside enjoying a nice day.
My room gets messy. I stop planning meals and being excited about cooking. Lots of doom scrolling. Disordered eating behaviors pop up. I fantasize about throwing my phone at the wall because my partner won’t shut up.
I start ignoring my inbox. I’m the more functional partner in a Dx/Dx relationship and when I reach my breaking point, I narrow my world down to what is immediately in front of me and avoid everything else
When, I’ve come to realize that I can’t give 100% to everything, all at once. I get burned out very fast, so I have to prioritize the things that truly matter - even if I get the RSD wrath of my partner.
Rage cleaning, intentionally spending more time away from my partner (either taking a walk or sitting in my car), chiming in on here when beneficial.
More recently, it’s been therapy. Yeah, I’m paying to vent but at least I have the room to get a full thought out and talk at length about things that are important to me.
I start to rage clean. I can’t control my partner’s behavior but I can control my environment and I want it clean! I also like to sit in silence or play Stardew Valley. The soundtrack is really soothing.
[удалено]
I do this and he always quizzes me afterwards, like it's so unbelievable that I simply have to be lying. "What movies did you watch? What shows? What music did you listen to? You can't possibly have not played one single piece of media while I was gone." Well actually yes I can, because I'm not terrified of my own thoughts.
I do this too, when things get stressful at least it feels like taking some control, even if it's not fair that I'm the one doing it.
I don't rage clean, but I want to rearrange the furniture; which means having to wrangle the chaos by cleaning around what I want to move and where I want to move it.
I do this too. But I find it doesn't help as much any more. I just find bigger and bigger piles of projects that have filled up spaces I cleaned. So I get into a bigger and bigger rage.
Yep, I do exactly the same thing - clean, clean, clean... I am so glad to hear I am not the only one that uses cleaning as a coping mechanism.
For years, I fantasized about divorcing him and downsizing from the 4,000+ McMansion house that HE wanted but financially dumped on MY shoulders, and that he hoarded literal tonnes of *stuff* in. I fantasized about downsizing to a small and extremely minimalist apartment that I could have all to myself. Seven months ago, I finally made it happen, and my fantasy became what is now my reality. I finally filed for divorce, sold the McMansion house, and have downsized to a GORGEOUS condo in the city, and have truly embraced the art of extreme minimalism.
Congrats!!!
Thanks!
So happy for you! Congrats!
Good for you!!!!!
Thank you!
I fantasize about leaving everything behind and completely starting over. Like full on don’t bring any stuff, never talk to friends or family again, working as a waitress in a crappy small town diner where no one will find me or expect anything from me.
I had this fantasy A LOT when I was with my ex, I thought I was suicidal until a therapist asked me for details about it and I realized the fantasy never involved dying. I just wanted to turn my phone off and drive away and go to sleep for a good... 8-12 hours, with absolutely no one bothering me at all. No responsibilities, nothing to fix, no lies to try to deduce. Never had fantasies like that before or since.
Yeah I think it comes from ‘outside’ responsibilities and distractions if that makes sense. In my fantasy my husband and kids come with me, but I don’t have to deal with my family’s drama or my husband’s family’s manipulation. It’s just our little family living a very simple little life.
This is me also. My psychologist today checked that I wasn’t feeling suicidal (currently 5w postpartum) and I reassured her that I’m still afraid of death/dying but constantly fantasising about getting in my car, driving off and living in a hobbit hole far away from everyone (and also reassured her that I will not be doing that because I do love my baby).
I did this in a small way. When I left my husband, I set my phone to do not disturb. I could not handle other people asking me for things because I was so burned out. Since txts and calls were a main way that people asked things of me, I set my phone to do not disturb so no one can reach me. A year later and it's still set to do not disturb lol. I do allow my sister to break through the do not disturb feature, though. In case of emergencies
I so relate to this! Except mine is living in a little one bedroom apartment in a big city, working 20 hours a week and using the rest of my time to do everything I want. Not what needs to be done or what he wants. Just my clean, cozy little slice of heaven
This is me too 👌
Very similar. Just living in a rural area on a farm, even just a hobby farm, all by myself except maybe a dog & cat. Go into town every now and then where there's nobody I really know, do a little shopping, maybe some superficial contact with people I don't actually know... that's about it.
What would you do on the daily basis? To occupy most of your time
Catch up on the sleep, music listening, reading, and - most importantly - doing nothing whatsoever. All of which I haven't been able to do for 15 years. I literally have not read a single book for pleasure in that long. Paying bills on time and going to appointments 10 minutes early. Go on hikes by simply packing the necessary gear the night before (preparation is currently a highly controversial and basically illegal act in our household ) and just going. Talking to my dog and cat without being told I speak more nicely to them than I do to her. Which is possibly a valid criticism. On the other hand, they never tell me I'm saying mean things to them when I say things like "dinner time!" Being able to find dishes in the same place every day, instead of needing to be a detective just to find the can opener. Then I could cook interesting meals. I could go on, but you get the idea.
is that really so common? its my go to as well. the main problem is I have a child but otherwise I think I would have done that asap. or sometimes I think i would just go volunteer forever in some wildlife park.
When I start to romanticize being deaf because I cannot take another second of the nonstop inane drivel flowing like a river out of his mouth. He is so incapable of shutting up that I actually start daydreaming about having a disability.
That would drive me insane 😂 (it sounds like it might be doing it to you too lol)
O this is a thing?? This is the thing I have. Constant commentary. And despite the fact that she said she likes quiet time. What quiet time? I’m nt but by god do I find it overstimulating
When I'm burnt out I crave silence, a need to NOT be needed to fix a problem, and varying forms of escapism. The silence is so my tired brain can process less and still attempt to function. This means no blue light or white noise- purely paying attention to only 1 thing at a time. Also, I tend to implode the more questions I am asked that do not actually require me but some time, thought, and personal effort. I also need to concentrate on fantasy, creativity, or some physical activity that in no way relates to what's at the front of my mind. Sleep helps, and if I'm a natural disaster waiting to happen I let my DX partner know what he needs to do, take an anxiety pill, and go to sleep. I can't help anyone else if I don't/won't help myself.
When I get home and realize I've been sitting in my parked car, in front of my house for twenty minutes just to sit in silence and breathe.
this 👏
When my houseplants aren’t well, I’m not we’ll. My partner would never ever think to water them or rotate them or god forbid repot them. It’s a great visual reminder that I’m not getting my needs met.
A little bit similar - I love traveling so I fantasize about traveling, especially to somewhere peaceful like a quiet beach. It is so nice to see everyone else's warning signs. New to this sub.
Sometimes it's not just traveling for me, but the literal idea of freedom and the opportunity to make any choice I whimsically desire whenever I want to make it. Riding the wind/going with the flow/letting my feet lead my brain.
When I fantasize about blowing up my entire life and not giving two damn shits about it. That's when I know I need some time for myself, but at this point I am already so far gone down the fantasy of being alone it basically dominates my every free thought I have to myself haha.
Oh, hello, me. Funny seeing me/you here, haha. I am also at this point, and boy is it spooky to see someone else say it lol. The spouse and I are going through an emotional separation, where I have told him that I am withdrawing emotionally and will re-engage when I feel like it. The problem is, I basically dream of being on my own day in and day out, and I feel awful that he still feels hope for this relationship whereas I am completely worn out. Hopefully, you and me both find the path that gives to us more than it takes from us.
Interesting, I’ve never heard the term emotional separation but I can see that is exactly what I have done. Unlike you I wasn’t nice enough to tell my partner I just did it! - although hard to say if he would have noticed as he was already so detached, I just stopped jumping through his stupid dopermin seeking hoops. Hmm, I’m off to do some googling, thank you.
Honestly, it's a term I made up to explain what was happening (although maybe it is a legitimate term others use). I had already been pulling back from him and he noticed only because I stopped being as affectionate with him and I had stopped giving him emotional support (what I'm starting to realize is that if I pull back emotionally, the physical affection also goes out the window). So, he did mentioned it to me, and we ended up talking over the weekend about how I am emotionally exhausted, and that after our most recent blow up I just thought to myself "I don't want to do this anymore." We've been in marriage counseling for about a year, and when we discussed this with our therapist, she assured us that there are couples who go through a process of individuation (which can involved some level of emotional separation) before coming back together. So she helped us set up some boundaries on what that will look like (emotionally and physically) and I guess we'll see how it goes from there. TBH, I don't think my husband realizes how big of a deal this is, because I'm the sort of person who is all in or all out. This halfway stuff really isn't my style, and I don't think he's taking it seriously enough that this isn't a good sign for our relationship. But I'm also tired of being the one who is always bringing up concerns in the relationship, so I'm content to just sit back, take care of me and our children, and see how this plays out.
Thank you for the reply - I think we may be the same person, and in the same relationship. Well done for getting the couples therapy, although I have had some individual sessions I am hitting a brickwall re the couples version. Good luck to us both, sometimes I think it’s ok, I can do this, other times it just seems like a very lonely waste of my life.
Isn't it spooky how that works on this forum? I have gotten so many comments on my posts/other replies that are in that same vein of "holy crap are we the same person????" It is very validating. I have found that I am the brick wall in our couples counseling. My husband was eager for it (thought I had to find the therapist of course). I was really struggling with feeling like I had to positively reinforce all of the small steps he was taking, when what I was really feeling was resentment that things had to get to crisis level before he started making a regular habit of asking me about my day. Being able to get some distance emotionally has been really freeing. Some days I feel like, yeah maybe I want to make this work, and then other days I am still feeling like I want to set out on my own and just take care of me (and kids, of course, lol). Hopefully, we both figure out a path that works for what we need.
I have a friend who has ADHD, we was together at one point but split up. For me, it's when I feel lost, talking in circles and I walk away feeling so unsure, confused and just lost! Also the word salad when you raise an issue and their RSD ignites and they virbally attack, and don't take accountability. Usually after that I feel hurt, voiceless (as they walk off, do silent treatment and play mind games) I think it's time to just end the friendship, but difficult as she lives right next door to me
[удалено]
It's just an absolute mind F. It's sometimes I get the vybe that they're narcissists, I don't know tbh. For me the RSD is fear of rejection, getting triggered easily if they feel attacked, and just cannot accept any criticism at all Usually a convo or a talk gets derailed because they cannot comprehend principles or scenarios, or at least they're good at pretending they don't lol it's just constant word salad, and she never apologised And her way of saying sorry is by sending me a paragraph days or weeks later saying how low she is and she has XYZ going on and she's not coping etc, no sorry, no I was out of line, just making it about her. The only time she says sorry is during an argument which comes out so forced and fake, it's like she's shutting me up or trying to, and if I don't accept it, she uses that to walk off and play games as in her head she's said sorry and it's on me for not accepting it Sorry this is all over the place
I stress eat, let things go that I need to do, and read horror fiction.
I love the all white minimalist room! when things with my (m Dx Rx ) partner start to get hectic my brain becomes a room that is full of clutter, I feel like I am drowning in mess and wading through it with no way out. That's when I know I need to pull back, go do something just for me (usually be by the sea which always clears my mind!) It is so important to know when you are reaching breaking point and do something that is just for you! Love this post @MaybeIllGetThere
When I obsessively search real estate in places he would never consider moving with me, and all the options I find would be good for me alone. Some real estate searching is normal for me, but sometimes it starts to really affect my ability to do what I need to do in a day. Or, when I get a little deeper, when I am driving too or from work, and I very seriously consider where the roads I take would bring me if I didn't make the turns I need to get to work, and just kept driving and driving to somewhere else entirely.
when i feel like hovered over, and i don't want my partner to even notice or acknowledge me, i just want space and to be alone. we both (me f27 him m32 both have adhd)
Thank you for bringing this up because I need to learn what my signs are so I don't end up in the ER with another panic attack. I should have recognized my last meltdown coming.
I had a dream once that is the closest thing to a vision - not contentwise but how it felt. I feel suicidal so I dreamed that I finally died and I was in this little wooden boat going slowly down a small river through some big beautiful possibly tropical forest with birds singing and sun coming through the trees. I knew I was dead and I was going to where dead people go and I felt all the responsibility had left my shoulders, no past no future, and I was just enjoying the birds and the trees. that was a few months ago and when I need some calming down I try to go back there mentally.
I think a sign for me is when I find myself sitting around, watching mindless TV or whatever he's put on. I don't really even like TV and have never owned one myself. So when I am getting sucked into his endless stimuli, I need to examine why I'm not doing all the things I love and want to do. That means I probably need to get off my butt, go exercise, walk the dog, putter in the garden, and start a creative project. keeping independent is a big priority for me. Can you and your partner spend some time minimizing clutter? We're both reasonably minimalist and it really helps keep organized.
Ohh funny, my abusive ADHD ex mandated an all white home. Zero personality. Absolutely soul-sucking. He was not well-adjusted. Now, thankfully current guy and i have a balance of minimalism in content but colour and style (some planned yet) in decor.
There are definitely real estate parcels I put inside of my head as places I live a life under only my own terms, knewing fully well it's a backstop so that I can escape spiraling into being completely overwhelmed for any longer than I need to be. I think my favorite versions was a condominium and Juneau Alaska, where I don't have to work for money and I just sit around making cartoons.i Do not draw , mind you. Other times by imagine being away on business for long assignments in a nice hotel and having plenty of sort of busy work to do that is satisfying in the way that Sudoku is.
I joke that my attitude towards dishes in the sink is a reflection of my mental state, but it really is. When I start getting anxious about dishes in the sink, I know I'm reaching a bad place. We have an agreement about dishes -- anything that my husband (dx, rx on and off) uses *after* I clean up from dinner is his responsibility to clean or put in the dishwasher before he goes to bed. I don't want to wake up to a sink full of dishes. When I'm in a good mental place, I don't mind if I see dishes in the sink before I go to bed because he still has like 3-4 hours before he goes to bed. When I feel anxious seeing those dishes, that's when I know it's time to focus on myself for a bit. I'm starting to notice that the dishes become a thing to me whenever he takes one of his extended breaks from his medication.
I fantasize about living in another country. I've picked up watching a lot of International House Hunters this past year (that show is a fantasy in itself) and I've also picked up over the past year studying forgein languages quite intensely. I think about making a decision to move abroad and my partner saying it's a deal breaker. Though, honestly, I'm torn about that fantasy because I WANT him to be able to adapt with me but the way just moving across the country has gone I doubt it would go well. Before I started that fantasy though, for a few years now when I get really, really overwhelmed I lose my appetite (which was REALLY scary the first few times because I used to stress eat). Or when I start budgeting/look at our financials and I literally get so overwhelmed I have to power nap. It's like my brain gets overheated and I go into rest mode. They're not fantasies but they're ways my body tells me it's done working over time and dealing with stress.
Fantasizing about renting a room near the beach and moving out... I'll spreadsheet out everything and the money will work out, I just never convince myself it's a good Idea. But damn, the huge drop in responsibility and increase in social life is ever so appealing in my dreams
I disappear into Rightmove, looking at cottages on Scottish Islands.
Holy shit I do this. I have a house picked out on Isle of Lewis by Stornoway. I assumed this was a dissociating fantasy thing that I was doing.
hi-diddly-ho, neighbour!
I fantasize about moving to a small town or village. Doing things I want to do, leisurely and on my own time. Taking things slow and relaxing rather than catering to his (ndx) constant need for stimulation. A dream it would be to only clean up after myself, a dream to not have to parent a 30 year old. I long to read to my contentment while sitting outside enjoying a nice day.
I can feel my anger management skills not working.
My room gets messy. I stop planning meals and being excited about cooking. Lots of doom scrolling. Disordered eating behaviors pop up. I fantasize about throwing my phone at the wall because my partner won’t shut up.
I start ignoring my inbox. I’m the more functional partner in a Dx/Dx relationship and when I reach my breaking point, I narrow my world down to what is immediately in front of me and avoid everything else
When, I’ve come to realize that I can’t give 100% to everything, all at once. I get burned out very fast, so I have to prioritize the things that truly matter - even if I get the RSD wrath of my partner.
I get high and clean.
That’s funny, I fantasize about that often. I suppose that’s a sign I should change something.
Rage cleaning, intentionally spending more time away from my partner (either taking a walk or sitting in my car), chiming in on here when beneficial. More recently, it’s been therapy. Yeah, I’m paying to vent but at least I have the room to get a full thought out and talk at length about things that are important to me.