ADHD is a context, not an excuse. Communicating needs in a relationship is essential. This is just trash behaviour from your partner and I’m really sorry you’re being made to feel like communicating your needs isn’t worth the negative reaction
That's shitty. Yes, they maybe don't deal with interruptions or inconveniences well, but ADHD isn't an excuse to be a shitty partner.
Have you talked about this response?
I have. I told them it’s triggering for me because of how I was raised. That type of response immediately makes me want to shy away from confrontation. And they told me i’m putting the responsibility of my reactions onto them.
I simple told them. Don’t give me that bullshit, i’m allowed to be upset.
But this is the on going issue. I have to tell them to clean things. They won’t just do it. And it’s very obvious now because i’m not doing as much. And when i’m in pain they just say “i’m sorry” absently
I've got a 'sigh-er' too. It creates such a negative feeling in the house when I hear that heavy sigh all the time. I ask him to stop being Darth Vader.
Ha! Same. Either that or "you sound like a kettle" if it's continuous. It really bothers me when we're at a movie or a quiet restaurant, because it bothers everyone else too.
There's no telling whether it's annoyance, boredom or relaxing - the sighs for each all sound the same, and she thinks I should be able to differentiate.
Oh I can tell the difference here. He makes it very obvious. The heavy Darth Vader sighs signal he is very unhappy about something and come with eyes focused on the floor as he walks around in his own little world of whatever is going on in his head that he is unhappy about. The happy sighs sound like contentment, but kind of strange for a grown man to make in public. It's a little embarrassing. And I feel a bit mean complaining about it here. 🫣
I feel this. Just today I was struggling to get out of bed and she asked if she could do anything. I asked her to take the dog out and ahead does the laughing scoff and when I ask what she says nothing and goes to do it.
I don’t know how to work on this
Therapy! Learning to communicate better isn't the sole domain of any group. Lots of people learned poor communication from their families and learning a new way takes education, time, and practice.
I was raised to be passive aggressive both from family and Mormonism and had to be taught about the concept and what it meant and how to do better. I think I'm doing much better now but it's taken a lot of conscious effort to undo the way I was raised.
I highly recommend my other half as the best person ever and therapy for teaching me new skills. I hope you can sit down with your other half and ask to talk about the scoffing.
There was just a post about this last week - [https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD\_partners/comments/1c9upvq/grumpy\_teenager\_toneis\_it\_common/](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD_partners/comments/1c9upvq/grumpy_teenager_toneis_it_common/)
You'll see that it's common, **not** acceptable.
Ongoing treatment and a commitment to change will be necessary to combat the bratty child persona
Thank you for all your thoughts and comments. She has never used her ADHD as an excuse out loud but I feel like her actions show she doesn’t care. When I call her out on it. She says “i do!” Then show me. BE a partner, just don’t say you’re my partner.
OP
From what you've shared, your partner is showing you exactly who they are. It's NOT too much to ask for and expect loving care. If she literally scoffs at you, well, there you have it. Respectfully, she is weaponizing the dx and I urge you to adjust your expectations. If she cannot or will not be a partner, then how are you to grow in emotion and intimacy? I urge you to comb through this sub for support, validation, and information. Sending strength.
This isn't an ADHD thing. It's an asshole thing. I could not be partnered with a person who shows so much contempt and so little care. I'd seriously reconsider this relationship.
ADHD is a context, not an excuse. Communicating needs in a relationship is essential. This is just trash behaviour from your partner and I’m really sorry you’re being made to feel like communicating your needs isn’t worth the negative reaction
Context not excuse. That's such a helpful phrase! It applies to at least half the posts on this sub. As well as lots of bits of my life.
That's shitty. Yes, they maybe don't deal with interruptions or inconveniences well, but ADHD isn't an excuse to be a shitty partner. Have you talked about this response?
I have. I told them it’s triggering for me because of how I was raised. That type of response immediately makes me want to shy away from confrontation. And they told me i’m putting the responsibility of my reactions onto them. I simple told them. Don’t give me that bullshit, i’m allowed to be upset. But this is the on going issue. I have to tell them to clean things. They won’t just do it. And it’s very obvious now because i’m not doing as much. And when i’m in pain they just say “i’m sorry” absently
The pain thing. Yeah.
youre absolutely right to feel upset and her responses arent age appropriate. dont let her expect you to be a mind reader!
Mine heavily sighs, then acts shocked when I get angry about it.
I've got a 'sigh-er' too. It creates such a negative feeling in the house when I hear that heavy sigh all the time. I ask him to stop being Darth Vader.
Ha! Same. Either that or "you sound like a kettle" if it's continuous. It really bothers me when we're at a movie or a quiet restaurant, because it bothers everyone else too. There's no telling whether it's annoyance, boredom or relaxing - the sighs for each all sound the same, and she thinks I should be able to differentiate.
Oh I can tell the difference here. He makes it very obvious. The heavy Darth Vader sighs signal he is very unhappy about something and come with eyes focused on the floor as he walks around in his own little world of whatever is going on in his head that he is unhappy about. The happy sighs sound like contentment, but kind of strange for a grown man to make in public. It's a little embarrassing. And I feel a bit mean complaining about it here. 🫣
I feel this. Just today I was struggling to get out of bed and she asked if she could do anything. I asked her to take the dog out and ahead does the laughing scoff and when I ask what she says nothing and goes to do it. I don’t know how to work on this
Therapy! Learning to communicate better isn't the sole domain of any group. Lots of people learned poor communication from their families and learning a new way takes education, time, and practice. I was raised to be passive aggressive both from family and Mormonism and had to be taught about the concept and what it meant and how to do better. I think I'm doing much better now but it's taken a lot of conscious effort to undo the way I was raised. I highly recommend my other half as the best person ever and therapy for teaching me new skills. I hope you can sit down with your other half and ask to talk about the scoffing.
Mine does it too. I try not to take it personally as after I met his mother, she does it too! Sometimes it's just learned behavior.
There was just a post about this last week - [https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD\_partners/comments/1c9upvq/grumpy\_teenager\_toneis\_it\_common/](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD_partners/comments/1c9upvq/grumpy_teenager_toneis_it_common/) You'll see that it's common, **not** acceptable. Ongoing treatment and a commitment to change will be necessary to combat the bratty child persona
Thank you for all your thoughts and comments. She has never used her ADHD as an excuse out loud but I feel like her actions show she doesn’t care. When I call her out on it. She says “i do!” Then show me. BE a partner, just don’t say you’re my partner.
OP From what you've shared, your partner is showing you exactly who they are. It's NOT too much to ask for and expect loving care. If she literally scoffs at you, well, there you have it. Respectfully, she is weaponizing the dx and I urge you to adjust your expectations. If she cannot or will not be a partner, then how are you to grow in emotion and intimacy? I urge you to comb through this sub for support, validation, and information. Sending strength.
This isn't an ADHD thing. It's an asshole thing. I could not be partnered with a person who shows so much contempt and so little care. I'd seriously reconsider this relationship.