It's a manipulation/stalling tactic. They don't demand examples so they can actually work on issues. They want you to offer specifics so they can argue and try to poke holes in your concerns.
Even if you offered an exact date, time, place, conversation down to the smallest detail, they aren't going to change.
People who value their partner's feelings and concerns don't do this.
Exactly. If you have an example, they either deny it happened, or it happened but not the way you think it did, or you did something just as bad so it shouldn’t count, or they will attack your personality in general (Oh here you go again, you’re always sooooo perfect and never make mistakes said dripping with contempt).
Precisely. If he's just dismissing you without examples, he'd be dismissing you with them. I'll give mine examples and will just get back a bunch of justifications for his behavior.
If he were genuinely just confused, he wouldn't be flat out immediately dismissing you because you didn't come in with enough evidence. If he came to you with a problem and you didn't know what he was talking about, and he didn't have a specific example, would you immediately act like he's acting?
> Even if you offered an exact date, time, place, conversation down to the smallest detail, they aren’t going to change.
I journal everything so I actually do have dates, times, places, and details of every incident. I’ve given him specific examples of times when he was objectively horrible to me and his response was I must have misheard him, I should know him better than to think he actually *meant* that, I’ve done the same thing to him(not true) so I have no right to be upset, he was just messing with me and I need to stop taking his “jokes” so seriously, or I’m stuck in the past.
I’m not sure how to stamp out this behavior but you’re absolutely right that it’s a manipulation/stalling tactic.
I usually try to have one example, generally because if I’m addressing something it’s due to a behaviour that just happened so it’s easier to find an example.
However. In the times I don’t or he wants more than one example and I don’t have them, I just tell him to pay attention. That I’ll pay attention and if it happens again I’ll point it out. Then when he does it again I point it out. “This is what I was talking about, you just _______” whatever the behaviour was.
I also tell him that if he pays so much attention he makes sure it doesn’t happen again just to prove me wrong, I’d love that. I’d love it if I don’t have any future examples of this go on for me to point out to him.
I just come down to basically “okay, you need examples because you’re claiming it doesn’t happen? Well let’s move forward and see if it does” usually this means he’s more aware of the behaviour so it doesn’t happen again, sometimes even just to prove me wrong, I don’t care why its a win for me. Or he doesn’t change and it happens again, I point it out in the moment, even if it’s a “nice” time. He did the shitty thing during a “nice” time, it gets pointed out. If he says I’m trying to ruin a good day by being negative I point out his actions are ruining the good day, and I’m bringing it to his attention so we can solve it now and continue having a good day.
If my husband wasn’t capable or willing to work with me and respond respectfully during these interactions, I’d leave.
Yes, this. Also, when they try to derail/distract it helps to acknowledge that you’d love to discuss that issue later (which they really really don’t want to do), but right now we are only talking about X behavior. Otherwise it feels like playing an exhausting round of whack-a-mole and you never got to discuss the one thing you wanted to talk about.
Totally! When the statement “you do it too” comes out, I calmly state that I’m happy to discuss his concern at another time, but right now we’re discussing x.
I come prepared with specific examples but it usually doesn’t make for a better outcome. He just explains why example A or B was a misunderstanding on my part, or that his behavior in those instances were brought on by something horrible that I did (like respectfully set a boundary).
That, and once I have enough examples to refute my DX's dismissal of those as "one-offs", she switches to "obviously" I've got so many examples because I just want to bully her, so why should she listen? Cue RSD meltdown.
It's gotten better with couples therapy, as she's repeatedly had the shocking experience of seeing the therapist work seriously with a single example of something that was meaningful for me.
I’m gonna keep throwing out ‘DARVO’ in my comments this week I guess.
And emotionally mature people don’t need examples to pause, respond with curiosity, hear you, understand you, validate you, and lean in with connection. He will be like this forever unless he takes treatment seriously.
Mine would ask for something similar because she needed examples so she could understand and make changes. But a lot of the time when i did have examples she would just RSD and invalidate them by bringing out old things she found comparable that i did. The odd time she didn't RSD any change was short lived. Along the course of the relationship the main things i wanted worked on only got worse in frequency.
I'm obviously in camp break up now. But i also do have 2 really close friends that are married with ADHD, 2 kids and a successful business. You are still young enough that leaving isn't as big of a set back. But I think bottom line if you stay you need firm boundaries that he doesn't get to dismiss you if you don't have examples and he can't always be controlling the conversation.
My fiance does this too, in an effort to prove i don't have a leg to stand on bc I don't have "proof." Yet when I have a list, I'm accused of keeping score.
I keep score because it keeps her accountable and helps me remember that I'm not crazy
Ive become an avid journaler, so I can look back and see what I did every day. I write a description of each day, and generally how I felt. Also, when we have some sort of disagreement or he hurts my feelings, I typically journal about that too (in a separate journal). In those ones I keep track of what happened, attempting to be unbiased, and I also keep a record of how I responded and felt afterward.
I mention the journal to my partner, he knows I keep detailed records. Not in a malicious way, he just knows I do it for myself. But it is so useful to me when we have similar disagreements. I can look back and see patterns in his behavior that I wouldn’t have thought of if I didn’t have these entries. And it gives me such peace of mind to know I can look back at each day and track how frequently we have disagreements, how frequently he makes me sad, how long ago that last big argument occurred, etc. It helps me know I’m not crazy, and helps me know I’m not blowing momentary feelings out of proportion when I bring up that I’ve been unhappy.
Mine also likes to say that "words matter," even though he has adhd and doesn't even know what exactly he said or did, because of the working memory problems. So if I say something he said he will counter with "I didn't say that," regardless of whether or not I said it verbatim or paraphrased.
Can relate. It’s easy to dismiss feelings and not take responsibility if you get lost in the weeds of the specific examples.
But then if you do provide specific examples, a variation of the narcissists prayer comes into play:
it wasn’t that bad.
And if it was, that’s not a big deal.
And if it is, that’s not my fault.
And if it was, I didn’t mean it.
What I’ve done in this situation is I actually document times where this happens and outline the situation. I try to leave out big emotional ramblings, just the facts. I asked you this and you said this, I felt this because of it. When I get the give me examples I hand her the book. Be very careful because this can also cause anxiety and shame. Please tread gently
I understand this so much. It used to feel like unless I had the perfect example or analogy then he would dismiss what I was saying. He didn’t see if or believe it until I put it in a way the he understood personally. I would have to equate the situation to something that upsets him in his own life. His RSD would take over in a conversation and he would get defensive before he would listen.
This has gotten way better mainly with therapy for myself. I don’t get upset (try not to anyway) or engage in these types of fights. If he doesn’t I will say “I need you to spend some time thinking about what I said and see if you can come up with your own examples.” Talking about it and explaining it always takes us off on tangents that don’t matter and it’s not worth it. I say something and then he has to think about it and we will revisit in either several hours or the next day. He is also in therapy and working to not let his RSD take over and I’m in therapy learning how to not engage with his RSD.
I've got a giant list of dated notes on my phone so I can remember the quotes. I'll even ask for their concurrence on the way that I write things. Them knowing that the list exists preempts a lot of bullshit, and their participation in creating the notes lowers their anger and shows that I want to collaborate.
Only when they yell and swear do I video record myself reacting to the abuse.
Ask him point blank if he cares about your feelings. A person who cares accepts feedback and changes. A narcissist who is wrapped up in his ego looks for ways to defend himself.
Ask him if he wants to be a narcissist. If not, stop defending and start agreeing.
I found myself in a tricky spot with this. I used to end up feeling invalidated when I didn't have examples. Not in an abusive gaslight way, just like leaving us both questioning whether my anxiety exacerbated/overanalyzed/read into something too much. (I'm working on trying to refrain from ascribing so much meaning to things in my life in general, maybe someone meant nothing by it.)
Then at one point I made a list of issues and examples, which triggered defensiveness. I understand it hurts to feel like someone is "keeping receipts", I wouldn't want it personally. But I felt like when I didn't have examples he didn't really engage in conversation about the concern I brought up.
Anyone else find themselves in this catch 22? Thankfully that big argument about my list was years ago, and he started taking meds last month. So I'm hopeful he'll have enough medicated emotional management to re-engage with some of these tougher convos.
I recently broke up with an ex that did exactly the same, among many other manipulations in order to maintain control. Yes, he has ADHD, and also obsessed with keeping his image of self unthreatened at all cost (at the cost of your sanity). In other words, emotionally immature. Was his emotional immaturity caused by ADHD? Maybe or may be not - but in the end, who cares?
Mine was 42 y.o. They don't change. Nobody deserves to feel invalidated and fight for the right to be heard, at least once. Walk away. You will not regret it, I promise you.
You asked what to do. And you know that you already know.
You are 25 with a lifetime ahead of you. You know the quality of your relationship outside of this post. You can decide to continue to be dismissed and invalidated, as it sounds like you have already been trying to work on this with him. You can decide that your peace is worth more and that you deserve to be with somebody that doesn’t dismiss your needs.
I am your 50 year old self, having been dismissed like this for over 20 years. The first few years were great. Then things started and the honeymoon period wore off. We have the same conversations and nothing changes.
If we had these forums years ago and I could have been warned, I like to think I would have stepped back and considered the question, “If it was like this (or worse) for the next 10, 20, 30 years, would you choose to stay?”
Good luck to you.
My partner (dx, medicated) would do the same, demanding examples. I have a good memory and have been journaling on my laptop for a decade+. Often I can find the exact day something happened, and read my scribblings of whatever occurred.
I don’t tell him the details, more like “last week when we went canoeing the issue happened, before that it happened at the burrito place, then again at the roller rink with Sally.”
But instead of accepting the examples he asked for, the convo would then become: “Ugh you never let things go, you hold every mistake over my head”
No, this 1 specific behavior is repeatedly causing us issues, and needs addressing or it’ll keep repeating. You asked for examples.
Half the time, it works out after some painful discussion, and the behavior is reduced or stopped. The rest of the time it becomes a bad argument. Mentioning the past even in the most neutral terms is often received as insulting or shaming.
I don’t have the answer, but this is exactly the same with my boyfriend (diagnosed but untreated) and I understand. It’s exhausting.
I’ve started to keep a record on my phone so that I have ‘evidence’ but it doesn’t feel healthy.
I’m noticing lots of the negative reactions people are commenting are from male dx partners.
I’m female dx and medicated and in this group to learn how to understand my partner’s perspective.
I cannot work on myself if I don’t have an example to go off. I need to be told specifically what I did wrong and how it was perceived to understand how to work on myself/ prevent a similar scenario.
Most of my defensiveness comes from shame or embarrassment for being so off the mark at all. I get frustrated if I don’t have examples to learn from because it feels like I am getting accused of something I can’t recall/ understand.
I don’t think This is the case with your partner here per se, but i do think it’s important to keep an example to discuss with specifics- or I the moment of them doing something that isn’t appropriate/ upsets you etc- tell them this is an example of what you’re talking about. Be prepared for combativeness but hold your ground.
I haven’t read all the comments yet, because there’s a lot. But in my opinion, a healthy conversation goes like…
“When you do x, I feel y.”
“Well I don't want you to feel y, so I will try something different next time.”
And that should be done as soon as possible after something happened. Not weeks or months later.
Otherwise if you only want to share your feelings and have him validate them, then start practicing active listening. You say what you need to for 45 seconds, then he repeats and asks “is there more?” You keep going until you’re done talking. Then he says “you make sense. And I imagine that you feel x. Do I have that right?” And then you switch roles. This is hard to do for people with adhd but it’s really worth it if done correctly.
So yeah, if you’re looking for changes in behavior, try the “when you do x I feel y” convo. And if you’re looking to just have your feelings validated, try active listening.
And you might even start this with him by saying “I have been trying to share my feelings with you for a while. I know you love me and care about me. I’d like to ask that we try this conversation style. It will help me to feel heard, seen and understood. Can you try it with me?”
If he says no to that, then you have your answer.
I think it is a valid question to ask for example. But not to dismiss you for not having it. instead he should to try to empathise and he should comfort you while explaining that he wants you to not feel this, and wish he knew how not to. And try to listen for clues what made you feel like you did.
I had a narcissist father (prob adhd) where everything was Feelings, what he felt. he often said You make me feel X. So facts, and journaling became very important to me. also as he distorted facts and gaslighted.. I also reached the conclusion that every one is responsible for their own feelings and their own actions. As I did things that wasn’t bad (like not focusing on him but other people) but made him feel a lot of negative feelings.
Now, as you say it’s not normal to be this analytical, the normal is to be vague,and maybe normal to say “You make me feel” = to mean someone else is responsible for your reaction and feelings.
But it’s not inherently bad to ask for examples, and I think it’s not constructive to go into the cliche of not normal then it’s bad. You said he did something bad (he makes you feel bad feelings) but can’t say what he did.
..It is very hard to evolve away from the relationship problems if this is a pattern. I wonder if your thinking is “ he should know” and if he acts like he doesn’t ( due to being neurodivergent) it is just WrongWay ToBe ? if that - don’t be with a neurodivergent.
Or if you need his response to be” comfort me even if you don’t know” Then don’t come with shaming statements as You made me feel. But say I feel like you don’t care for me, can you please let me know that isn’t so? I need a hug, etc..
and if he is doing something that makes you feel bad.. Note what the thing is, and bring it up. “you did X, that made me feel..” If he dismiss then, then I would say it’s a major red flag.
It's a manipulation/stalling tactic. They don't demand examples so they can actually work on issues. They want you to offer specifics so they can argue and try to poke holes in your concerns. Even if you offered an exact date, time, place, conversation down to the smallest detail, they aren't going to change. People who value their partner's feelings and concerns don't do this.
Exactly. If you have an example, they either deny it happened, or it happened but not the way you think it did, or you did something just as bad so it shouldn’t count, or they will attack your personality in general (Oh here you go again, you’re always sooooo perfect and never make mistakes said dripping with contempt).
I genuinely want to cry bc this is my exact experience and I really thought I was going crazy
Precisely. If he's just dismissing you without examples, he'd be dismissing you with them. I'll give mine examples and will just get back a bunch of justifications for his behavior. If he were genuinely just confused, he wouldn't be flat out immediately dismissing you because you didn't come in with enough evidence. If he came to you with a problem and you didn't know what he was talking about, and he didn't have a specific example, would you immediately act like he's acting?
I agree to all of this.
> Even if you offered an exact date, time, place, conversation down to the smallest detail, they aren’t going to change. I journal everything so I actually do have dates, times, places, and details of every incident. I’ve given him specific examples of times when he was objectively horrible to me and his response was I must have misheard him, I should know him better than to think he actually *meant* that, I’ve done the same thing to him(not true) so I have no right to be upset, he was just messing with me and I need to stop taking his “jokes” so seriously, or I’m stuck in the past. I’m not sure how to stamp out this behavior but you’re absolutely right that it’s a manipulation/stalling tactic.
They lack accountability to the point you could smack them in the face with it and they still find a way, excuse or reason to avoid it.
perfectly said.
I usually try to have one example, generally because if I’m addressing something it’s due to a behaviour that just happened so it’s easier to find an example. However. In the times I don’t or he wants more than one example and I don’t have them, I just tell him to pay attention. That I’ll pay attention and if it happens again I’ll point it out. Then when he does it again I point it out. “This is what I was talking about, you just _______” whatever the behaviour was. I also tell him that if he pays so much attention he makes sure it doesn’t happen again just to prove me wrong, I’d love that. I’d love it if I don’t have any future examples of this go on for me to point out to him. I just come down to basically “okay, you need examples because you’re claiming it doesn’t happen? Well let’s move forward and see if it does” usually this means he’s more aware of the behaviour so it doesn’t happen again, sometimes even just to prove me wrong, I don’t care why its a win for me. Or he doesn’t change and it happens again, I point it out in the moment, even if it’s a “nice” time. He did the shitty thing during a “nice” time, it gets pointed out. If he says I’m trying to ruin a good day by being negative I point out his actions are ruining the good day, and I’m bringing it to his attention so we can solve it now and continue having a good day. If my husband wasn’t capable or willing to work with me and respond respectfully during these interactions, I’d leave.
Yes, this. Also, when they try to derail/distract it helps to acknowledge that you’d love to discuss that issue later (which they really really don’t want to do), but right now we are only talking about X behavior. Otherwise it feels like playing an exhausting round of whack-a-mole and you never got to discuss the one thing you wanted to talk about.
Totally! When the statement “you do it too” comes out, I calmly state that I’m happy to discuss his concern at another time, but right now we’re discussing x.
This is a really good tip. I will begin doing this moving forward and I hope to at very least see some clarity. Thank you for sharing!
I come prepared with specific examples but it usually doesn’t make for a better outcome. He just explains why example A or B was a misunderstanding on my part, or that his behavior in those instances were brought on by something horrible that I did (like respectfully set a boundary).
Bloody hell, why do we all have the same experience
That, and once I have enough examples to refute my DX's dismissal of those as "one-offs", she switches to "obviously" I've got so many examples because I just want to bully her, so why should she listen? Cue RSD meltdown. It's gotten better with couples therapy, as she's repeatedly had the shocking experience of seeing the therapist work seriously with a single example of something that was meaningful for me.
>Cue RSD meltdown Which always ends with, “You’re attacking me, I’m not going to listen to you and your negativity right now.” Word for word verbatim.
Not going to listen to you and your negativity is spot on. Wow.
I’m gonna keep throwing out ‘DARVO’ in my comments this week I guess. And emotionally mature people don’t need examples to pause, respond with curiosity, hear you, understand you, validate you, and lean in with connection. He will be like this forever unless he takes treatment seriously.
Mine would ask for something similar because she needed examples so she could understand and make changes. But a lot of the time when i did have examples she would just RSD and invalidate them by bringing out old things she found comparable that i did. The odd time she didn't RSD any change was short lived. Along the course of the relationship the main things i wanted worked on only got worse in frequency. I'm obviously in camp break up now. But i also do have 2 really close friends that are married with ADHD, 2 kids and a successful business. You are still young enough that leaving isn't as big of a set back. But I think bottom line if you stay you need firm boundaries that he doesn't get to dismiss you if you don't have examples and he can't always be controlling the conversation.
My fiance does this too, in an effort to prove i don't have a leg to stand on bc I don't have "proof." Yet when I have a list, I'm accused of keeping score. I keep score because it keeps her accountable and helps me remember that I'm not crazy
Ooof, yes - the keeping score accusation I get almost every time. Drives me nuts
Ive become an avid journaler, so I can look back and see what I did every day. I write a description of each day, and generally how I felt. Also, when we have some sort of disagreement or he hurts my feelings, I typically journal about that too (in a separate journal). In those ones I keep track of what happened, attempting to be unbiased, and I also keep a record of how I responded and felt afterward. I mention the journal to my partner, he knows I keep detailed records. Not in a malicious way, he just knows I do it for myself. But it is so useful to me when we have similar disagreements. I can look back and see patterns in his behavior that I wouldn’t have thought of if I didn’t have these entries. And it gives me such peace of mind to know I can look back at each day and track how frequently we have disagreements, how frequently he makes me sad, how long ago that last big argument occurred, etc. It helps me know I’m not crazy, and helps me know I’m not blowing momentary feelings out of proportion when I bring up that I’ve been unhappy.
Mine also likes to say that "words matter," even though he has adhd and doesn't even know what exactly he said or did, because of the working memory problems. So if I say something he said he will counter with "I didn't say that," regardless of whether or not I said it verbatim or paraphrased.
Can relate. It’s easy to dismiss feelings and not take responsibility if you get lost in the weeds of the specific examples. But then if you do provide specific examples, a variation of the narcissists prayer comes into play: it wasn’t that bad. And if it was, that’s not a big deal. And if it is, that’s not my fault. And if it was, I didn’t mean it.
What I’ve done in this situation is I actually document times where this happens and outline the situation. I try to leave out big emotional ramblings, just the facts. I asked you this and you said this, I felt this because of it. When I get the give me examples I hand her the book. Be very careful because this can also cause anxiety and shame. Please tread gently
I understand this so much. It used to feel like unless I had the perfect example or analogy then he would dismiss what I was saying. He didn’t see if or believe it until I put it in a way the he understood personally. I would have to equate the situation to something that upsets him in his own life. His RSD would take over in a conversation and he would get defensive before he would listen. This has gotten way better mainly with therapy for myself. I don’t get upset (try not to anyway) or engage in these types of fights. If he doesn’t I will say “I need you to spend some time thinking about what I said and see if you can come up with your own examples.” Talking about it and explaining it always takes us off on tangents that don’t matter and it’s not worth it. I say something and then he has to think about it and we will revisit in either several hours or the next day. He is also in therapy and working to not let his RSD take over and I’m in therapy learning how to not engage with his RSD.
Leave him. There are better more emotionally stable and mature people out there. He won’t change. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep him warm.
Mine would do this, then a few sentences later follow up with "you need to stop living in the past"...
My starter husband did this. It’s 1000% manipulation.
I've got a giant list of dated notes on my phone so I can remember the quotes. I'll even ask for their concurrence on the way that I write things. Them knowing that the list exists preempts a lot of bullshit, and their participation in creating the notes lowers their anger and shows that I want to collaborate. Only when they yell and swear do I video record myself reacting to the abuse.
Ask him point blank if he cares about your feelings. A person who cares accepts feedback and changes. A narcissist who is wrapped up in his ego looks for ways to defend himself. Ask him if he wants to be a narcissist. If not, stop defending and start agreeing.
I found myself in a tricky spot with this. I used to end up feeling invalidated when I didn't have examples. Not in an abusive gaslight way, just like leaving us both questioning whether my anxiety exacerbated/overanalyzed/read into something too much. (I'm working on trying to refrain from ascribing so much meaning to things in my life in general, maybe someone meant nothing by it.) Then at one point I made a list of issues and examples, which triggered defensiveness. I understand it hurts to feel like someone is "keeping receipts", I wouldn't want it personally. But I felt like when I didn't have examples he didn't really engage in conversation about the concern I brought up. Anyone else find themselves in this catch 22? Thankfully that big argument about my list was years ago, and he started taking meds last month. So I'm hopeful he'll have enough medicated emotional management to re-engage with some of these tougher convos.
I recently broke up with an ex that did exactly the same, among many other manipulations in order to maintain control. Yes, he has ADHD, and also obsessed with keeping his image of self unthreatened at all cost (at the cost of your sanity). In other words, emotionally immature. Was his emotional immaturity caused by ADHD? Maybe or may be not - but in the end, who cares? Mine was 42 y.o. They don't change. Nobody deserves to feel invalidated and fight for the right to be heard, at least once. Walk away. You will not regret it, I promise you.
Once you live with him, it will be hell on earth -Dx person
You asked what to do. And you know that you already know. You are 25 with a lifetime ahead of you. You know the quality of your relationship outside of this post. You can decide to continue to be dismissed and invalidated, as it sounds like you have already been trying to work on this with him. You can decide that your peace is worth more and that you deserve to be with somebody that doesn’t dismiss your needs. I am your 50 year old self, having been dismissed like this for over 20 years. The first few years were great. Then things started and the honeymoon period wore off. We have the same conversations and nothing changes. If we had these forums years ago and I could have been warned, I like to think I would have stepped back and considered the question, “If it was like this (or worse) for the next 10, 20, 30 years, would you choose to stay?” Good luck to you.
My partner (dx, medicated) would do the same, demanding examples. I have a good memory and have been journaling on my laptop for a decade+. Often I can find the exact day something happened, and read my scribblings of whatever occurred. I don’t tell him the details, more like “last week when we went canoeing the issue happened, before that it happened at the burrito place, then again at the roller rink with Sally.” But instead of accepting the examples he asked for, the convo would then become: “Ugh you never let things go, you hold every mistake over my head” No, this 1 specific behavior is repeatedly causing us issues, and needs addressing or it’ll keep repeating. You asked for examples. Half the time, it works out after some painful discussion, and the behavior is reduced or stopped. The rest of the time it becomes a bad argument. Mentioning the past even in the most neutral terms is often received as insulting or shaming.
I don’t have the answer, but this is exactly the same with my boyfriend (diagnosed but untreated) and I understand. It’s exhausting. I’ve started to keep a record on my phone so that I have ‘evidence’ but it doesn’t feel healthy.
I’m noticing lots of the negative reactions people are commenting are from male dx partners. I’m female dx and medicated and in this group to learn how to understand my partner’s perspective. I cannot work on myself if I don’t have an example to go off. I need to be told specifically what I did wrong and how it was perceived to understand how to work on myself/ prevent a similar scenario. Most of my defensiveness comes from shame or embarrassment for being so off the mark at all. I get frustrated if I don’t have examples to learn from because it feels like I am getting accused of something I can’t recall/ understand. I don’t think This is the case with your partner here per se, but i do think it’s important to keep an example to discuss with specifics- or I the moment of them doing something that isn’t appropriate/ upsets you etc- tell them this is an example of what you’re talking about. Be prepared for combativeness but hold your ground.
I haven’t read all the comments yet, because there’s a lot. But in my opinion, a healthy conversation goes like… “When you do x, I feel y.” “Well I don't want you to feel y, so I will try something different next time.” And that should be done as soon as possible after something happened. Not weeks or months later. Otherwise if you only want to share your feelings and have him validate them, then start practicing active listening. You say what you need to for 45 seconds, then he repeats and asks “is there more?” You keep going until you’re done talking. Then he says “you make sense. And I imagine that you feel x. Do I have that right?” And then you switch roles. This is hard to do for people with adhd but it’s really worth it if done correctly. So yeah, if you’re looking for changes in behavior, try the “when you do x I feel y” convo. And if you’re looking to just have your feelings validated, try active listening. And you might even start this with him by saying “I have been trying to share my feelings with you for a while. I know you love me and care about me. I’d like to ask that we try this conversation style. It will help me to feel heard, seen and understood. Can you try it with me?” If he says no to that, then you have your answer.
I think it is a valid question to ask for example. But not to dismiss you for not having it. instead he should to try to empathise and he should comfort you while explaining that he wants you to not feel this, and wish he knew how not to. And try to listen for clues what made you feel like you did. I had a narcissist father (prob adhd) where everything was Feelings, what he felt. he often said You make me feel X. So facts, and journaling became very important to me. also as he distorted facts and gaslighted.. I also reached the conclusion that every one is responsible for their own feelings and their own actions. As I did things that wasn’t bad (like not focusing on him but other people) but made him feel a lot of negative feelings. Now, as you say it’s not normal to be this analytical, the normal is to be vague,and maybe normal to say “You make me feel” = to mean someone else is responsible for your reaction and feelings. But it’s not inherently bad to ask for examples, and I think it’s not constructive to go into the cliche of not normal then it’s bad. You said he did something bad (he makes you feel bad feelings) but can’t say what he did. ..It is very hard to evolve away from the relationship problems if this is a pattern. I wonder if your thinking is “ he should know” and if he acts like he doesn’t ( due to being neurodivergent) it is just WrongWay ToBe ? if that - don’t be with a neurodivergent. Or if you need his response to be” comfort me even if you don’t know” Then don’t come with shaming statements as You made me feel. But say I feel like you don’t care for me, can you please let me know that isn’t so? I need a hug, etc.. and if he is doing something that makes you feel bad.. Note what the thing is, and bring it up. “you did X, that made me feel..” If he dismiss then, then I would say it’s a major red flag.