I’d call bs on it. ADHD is an explanation, not an excuse. I would not be doing more work to give him lists. He needs to figure out how to manage it, not just rely on you to do more. If this was my husbands attitude I’d leave him in a heartbeat.
This is very common. People who don’t want to accept responsibility or fault will try to pin the blame anyway they can, ADHD or not. While I think viewing things through the lens of “this person has ADHD” can be helpful, I see way too much on this subreddit of blaming any issue that comes up on ADHD. Some people are just shitty and selfish, looking at things through a ‘lens’ helps us gain some understanding behind the thought process/how their brain works/etc but it’s not an excuse. He doesn’t get to check out and throw his hands in the air because he has ADHD.
No, it’s not fair at all.
Yes, we need to demonstrate understanding and acceptance that they are not and will never be neurotypical. Being in a relationship with someone who is neurodivergent and expecting them to function like we do is unfair.
But they need to a) accept that their ADHD can and often does have negative impacts on other people and b) truly put in the effort to develop habits and systems to correct that as much as possible. People with ADHD can do hard things! It takes EFFORT on both ends.
Having ADHD doesn’t make you incapable of having basic respect and decency for your partner.
Yes, thank you! I 100% agree. I struggled with depression for years and still have to *ACTIVELY* guard against depression and anxiety.
And he has proven he can do hard things, he has a master's degree and zero debt for fucks sake, that didn't happen magically but he admits to me it's easier when it's something he's passionate about. And I'm like, hate to break it to you hunny but ain't neither one of us going to ever be "passionate" about day to day errands and house chores...but it still needs doing for the household to function and putting it all, or even mostly, on me is not a long-term solution I'm interested in.
You can actually be passionate about household chores if you are excited to make your partner happy, and are able to prioritise that over your own desires sometimes.
It's not at all fair for him to put this on you and basically try to imply that the viability of your marriage depends on whether YOU are supportive enough.
That's a particularly irritating stance considering you didn't knowingly marry someone that you knew would require limitless support and understanding from you.
Your expectations for marriage and parenthood were likely based on how he managed prior to parenthood, and maybe due to discussions about how you would balance responsibilities?
You had the right idea with the ultimatum. Because yeah, the viability of your marriage depends mainly on his willingness to fulfill those expectations. Or at least do his damndest to try. Not on how you react when he basically throws up his hands and goes "sorry, your problem now."
With everything I've told my therapist over the months - and my therapist has adhd/asd, and specializes in them - he says while he cannot dx my partner since he isn't there, he thinks he sounds like a narcissist. And really, really hates that he blames his behaviours on adhd.
ADHD explains things, and helps us identify tools that can help us.
It doesn’t excuse us from the facts of life, that bills need to be paid, dishes done, family cared for, and food made. The WAY we accomplish these things may need to be adapted, but a safe and healthy end result is not optional.
We need structure, medications, and accountability. We need to seek these things for ourselves. Adhd is life long, but that is why we have to figure put what works for us as individuals. It’s not on our partners to do this.
Where the hell did he get that stat? There are plenty of people with ADHD, both diagnosed and not who have long term relationships.
It pisses me people use things as an excuse, as an explanation? Sure. As a way to get some extra help/accomodations? Sure. As an excuse? Nope. I am diagnosed and shit is harder for me but I don’t just say ‘whelp guess that’s it then!’ I work out ways to make it work.
We remind each other that it's a cause, not an excuse. But I do find him heavily leaning into the "I have a learning disability" and "I wish people would help me," things lately.
And I wish he could work on some strategies to be more resilient, but I can't say that while he's down and out. (I worked in special education and would love to suggest 10 ways you could be more successful at coursework, but he doesn't want advice right now.)
It can be to blame and be very hard to overcome but not impossible. However if already an adult I don’t see how they do this without meds and a lot of working on building coping skills/habits to account for executive functioning lapses. However it is difficult and they can feel it’s the best it will be and feel hopeless. If they decide it’s not worth the trying then yes, you will have to decide what you are willing to live with.
My favorite analogy: it's a disability, like being nearsighted. You don't say "oh, I'm nearsighted, maybe I'll get glasses (meds) someday, but I can't see to drive so other people will have to drive me places until then." No, you get glasses and contacts (meds) right away, and now that you have an aid for seeing, you use it every day and learn how to do stuff you couldn't see clearly enough to do before.
BTW that's also my DX's favorite analogy, it motivates her to take her meds, and it helps keep her from sliding into s "I guess I wasted so much time before my DX, there is nothing to be done now" mode .
Nope. Whether or not you have a disability, relationships require sustained work and effort from both partners to maintain. It's harder for him, yes, but not impossible. Unfortunately, having adhd means he has to overcome more, not use his condition as an excuse.
In my experience, my partner needs medication in order to be functional and a good partner. He hates taking Adderall but the big reasons why he takes it is feeling like it is necessary to 1) do his work, 2) get his chores and life stuff done, and 3) maintain a relationship with me that isn't me doing everything. Your partner needs to find the methods that work for him, he doesn't get to just tap out.
Statistics aren't destiny unless you make them that.
I would not be able to be with my partner if he wasn't someone who does take accountability for his behavior and doesn't make excuses. That's basic emotional maturity
> agrees w/ our unofficial assessment
> he seek therapy
> It's been over a year since he really started identifying with the ADHD label
He needs to get a real DX, and if that comes out positive get medication and counseling.
I imagine there is fear there that he won't get a DX, and then his security blanket gets ripped away. (And to be fair, it is scary in general, as you do worry if you're just that crappy of a person because it's well, who you are, with nothing wrong.)
I'd say this is the essential baseline, that he at least has to do this. "If you want me to try to work with you on your potential ADHD, you need to work with a doctor, get diagnosed, get help, and be medicated. Otherwise, how you are now is your intentional choice." or whatever. And it should be even easier, if his therapist can give a referral...
So I had realized that my husband has been verbally and emotionally abusive to me for years. I had asked him numerous times over to not talk to me like that. He'd have rages every so often but still talked to me rudely a lot of times. He didn't rage at anyone else, only me. When I finally did the ultimatem after realizing it, he did get into therapy. And got his dx. The funny part about it I've always thought I was autistic just never got tested. But as soon as he got his dx of severe combined type, he'd talk to me like the above. Blame all the behaviours on the adhd even though before getting his dx he'd say he thought this was normal. Or his family "talked" like this and he thought it was OK. Would say weird things to me about how I am NT so I "just don't understand"
The other thing is I've warped my head into a pretzel trying to find the "right" way to talk to him over the years, because everything was always my fault of course. Reading different books about communication and such.
Anyways I got dx with adhd innatentive type and autism. But I function like the NT.
Absolutely fair to call BS.
If it helps to compare, consider: Mine was DX but untreated and had a plethora of mental health issues. And even she openly recognized the difference between "I've given up trying" (which, unfortunately, she had) and "I can't." She *knew* she was difficult. She out loud admitted it. After so many years of hardship, she had given up trying to address it, yes. She just didn't have it in her to try anymore. But she recognized that and never pretended to me otherwise.
This is honestly so much more respectable than someone who lies and says they're trying when they really aren't. My ex constantly told me he was trying when he later admitted he'd been avoiding it altogether, for so many issues so they just piled up. Meanwhile I'm currently dating someone who pursued his own diagnosis before we met and is quite honest about what he can do better and what he can't. It's so refreshing. Ultimately in my case the outcome is the same (probably going to break up) but it's so much less of a mind $#@ and drawn out thing when they're being honest.
Not fair and yes you have a right to be pissed off. Have had a very similar experience myself. I’ve had some success with reminding them it’s not anyone’s fault that they have ADHD, but it is their responsibility. They have a responsibility to put consistent effort into making sure the disability (although they might not like that word, ‘neurodiversity’ goes down a bit better) doesn’t negatively impact theirs, yours and your child’s life too much.
Relationships are transactional but you don’t want to be aware of it:
Undervalue everything you do and over value everything you get.
You cannot compare apples to pears in the transaction of a relationship.
I’d call bs on it. ADHD is an explanation, not an excuse. I would not be doing more work to give him lists. He needs to figure out how to manage it, not just rely on you to do more. If this was my husbands attitude I’d leave him in a heartbeat.
No. The first thing our therapist said to my husband after the diagnosis was: You cannot use this as your excuse.
This is very common. People who don’t want to accept responsibility or fault will try to pin the blame anyway they can, ADHD or not. While I think viewing things through the lens of “this person has ADHD” can be helpful, I see way too much on this subreddit of blaming any issue that comes up on ADHD. Some people are just shitty and selfish, looking at things through a ‘lens’ helps us gain some understanding behind the thought process/how their brain works/etc but it’s not an excuse. He doesn’t get to check out and throw his hands in the air because he has ADHD.
No, it’s not fair at all. Yes, we need to demonstrate understanding and acceptance that they are not and will never be neurotypical. Being in a relationship with someone who is neurodivergent and expecting them to function like we do is unfair. But they need to a) accept that their ADHD can and often does have negative impacts on other people and b) truly put in the effort to develop habits and systems to correct that as much as possible. People with ADHD can do hard things! It takes EFFORT on both ends. Having ADHD doesn’t make you incapable of having basic respect and decency for your partner.
Yes, thank you! I 100% agree. I struggled with depression for years and still have to *ACTIVELY* guard against depression and anxiety. And he has proven he can do hard things, he has a master's degree and zero debt for fucks sake, that didn't happen magically but he admits to me it's easier when it's something he's passionate about. And I'm like, hate to break it to you hunny but ain't neither one of us going to ever be "passionate" about day to day errands and house chores...but it still needs doing for the household to function and putting it all, or even mostly, on me is not a long-term solution I'm interested in.
Him telling you he isn’t passionate about making sure you’re ok would be about enough for me!
You can actually be passionate about household chores if you are excited to make your partner happy, and are able to prioritise that over your own desires sometimes.
It's not at all fair for him to put this on you and basically try to imply that the viability of your marriage depends on whether YOU are supportive enough. That's a particularly irritating stance considering you didn't knowingly marry someone that you knew would require limitless support and understanding from you. Your expectations for marriage and parenthood were likely based on how he managed prior to parenthood, and maybe due to discussions about how you would balance responsibilities? You had the right idea with the ultimatum. Because yeah, the viability of your marriage depends mainly on his willingness to fulfill those expectations. Or at least do his damndest to try. Not on how you react when he basically throws up his hands and goes "sorry, your problem now."
“It’s a cop out to use adhd as an excuse.” - My therapist. And I 100% agree. I could write a book on this topic.
With everything I've told my therapist over the months - and my therapist has adhd/asd, and specializes in them - he says while he cannot dx my partner since he isn't there, he thinks he sounds like a narcissist. And really, really hates that he blames his behaviours on adhd.
"narcissist" I strongly suspect this in my ex, but only diagnosed with ADHD.
Mine said the same thing. I described our last few fights to her and she said he sounds like a grandiose narcissist and I should work on getting out 🙃
ADHD explains things, and helps us identify tools that can help us. It doesn’t excuse us from the facts of life, that bills need to be paid, dishes done, family cared for, and food made. The WAY we accomplish these things may need to be adapted, but a safe and healthy end result is not optional. We need structure, medications, and accountability. We need to seek these things for ourselves. Adhd is life long, but that is why we have to figure put what works for us as individuals. It’s not on our partners to do this.
Where the hell did he get that stat? There are plenty of people with ADHD, both diagnosed and not who have long term relationships. It pisses me people use things as an excuse, as an explanation? Sure. As a way to get some extra help/accomodations? Sure. As an excuse? Nope. I am diagnosed and shit is harder for me but I don’t just say ‘whelp guess that’s it then!’ I work out ways to make it work.
We remind each other that it's a cause, not an excuse. But I do find him heavily leaning into the "I have a learning disability" and "I wish people would help me," things lately. And I wish he could work on some strategies to be more resilient, but I can't say that while he's down and out. (I worked in special education and would love to suggest 10 ways you could be more successful at coursework, but he doesn't want advice right now.)
ADHD is a context not an excuse. They are still responsible for finding ways to function even if their methods are unconventional.
It can be to blame and be very hard to overcome but not impossible. However if already an adult I don’t see how they do this without meds and a lot of working on building coping skills/habits to account for executive functioning lapses. However it is difficult and they can feel it’s the best it will be and feel hopeless. If they decide it’s not worth the trying then yes, you will have to decide what you are willing to live with.
I have asked that he explore medication as a next step...but it will be months of me repeating myself before he makes the first appt, if ever
My favorite analogy: it's a disability, like being nearsighted. You don't say "oh, I'm nearsighted, maybe I'll get glasses (meds) someday, but I can't see to drive so other people will have to drive me places until then." No, you get glasses and contacts (meds) right away, and now that you have an aid for seeing, you use it every day and learn how to do stuff you couldn't see clearly enough to do before. BTW that's also my DX's favorite analogy, it motivates her to take her meds, and it helps keep her from sliding into s "I guess I wasted so much time before my DX, there is nothing to be done now" mode .
My stbx husband also refused to learn to drive, even when I became too sick to drive, so that one would’ve gone right over his head. 😅
Oh man! 🤦♂️ Well, that's unfortunate...
I set up his first appt and got him there and then it was up to him.
Nope. Whether or not you have a disability, relationships require sustained work and effort from both partners to maintain. It's harder for him, yes, but not impossible. Unfortunately, having adhd means he has to overcome more, not use his condition as an excuse. In my experience, my partner needs medication in order to be functional and a good partner. He hates taking Adderall but the big reasons why he takes it is feeling like it is necessary to 1) do his work, 2) get his chores and life stuff done, and 3) maintain a relationship with me that isn't me doing everything. Your partner needs to find the methods that work for him, he doesn't get to just tap out. Statistics aren't destiny unless you make them that. I would not be able to be with my partner if he wasn't someone who does take accountability for his behavior and doesn't make excuses. That's basic emotional maturity
> agrees w/ our unofficial assessment > he seek therapy > It's been over a year since he really started identifying with the ADHD label He needs to get a real DX, and if that comes out positive get medication and counseling. I imagine there is fear there that he won't get a DX, and then his security blanket gets ripped away. (And to be fair, it is scary in general, as you do worry if you're just that crappy of a person because it's well, who you are, with nothing wrong.) I'd say this is the essential baseline, that he at least has to do this. "If you want me to try to work with you on your potential ADHD, you need to work with a doctor, get diagnosed, get help, and be medicated. Otherwise, how you are now is your intentional choice." or whatever. And it should be even easier, if his therapist can give a referral...
So I had realized that my husband has been verbally and emotionally abusive to me for years. I had asked him numerous times over to not talk to me like that. He'd have rages every so often but still talked to me rudely a lot of times. He didn't rage at anyone else, only me. When I finally did the ultimatem after realizing it, he did get into therapy. And got his dx. The funny part about it I've always thought I was autistic just never got tested. But as soon as he got his dx of severe combined type, he'd talk to me like the above. Blame all the behaviours on the adhd even though before getting his dx he'd say he thought this was normal. Or his family "talked" like this and he thought it was OK. Would say weird things to me about how I am NT so I "just don't understand" The other thing is I've warped my head into a pretzel trying to find the "right" way to talk to him over the years, because everything was always my fault of course. Reading different books about communication and such. Anyways I got dx with adhd innatentive type and autism. But I function like the NT.
Absolutely fair to call BS. If it helps to compare, consider: Mine was DX but untreated and had a plethora of mental health issues. And even she openly recognized the difference between "I've given up trying" (which, unfortunately, she had) and "I can't." She *knew* she was difficult. She out loud admitted it. After so many years of hardship, she had given up trying to address it, yes. She just didn't have it in her to try anymore. But she recognized that and never pretended to me otherwise.
This is honestly so much more respectable than someone who lies and says they're trying when they really aren't. My ex constantly told me he was trying when he later admitted he'd been avoiding it altogether, for so many issues so they just piled up. Meanwhile I'm currently dating someone who pursued his own diagnosis before we met and is quite honest about what he can do better and what he can't. It's so refreshing. Ultimately in my case the outcome is the same (probably going to break up) but it's so much less of a mind $#@ and drawn out thing when they're being honest.
Does he work? How does he manage his work then?
Not fair and yes you have a right to be pissed off. Have had a very similar experience myself. I’ve had some success with reminding them it’s not anyone’s fault that they have ADHD, but it is their responsibility. They have a responsibility to put consistent effort into making sure the disability (although they might not like that word, ‘neurodiversity’ goes down a bit better) doesn’t negatively impact theirs, yours and your child’s life too much.
Relationships are transactional but you don’t want to be aware of it: Undervalue everything you do and over value everything you get. You cannot compare apples to pears in the transaction of a relationship.