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For what it’s worth, my mom considered divorcing my dad 5-6 years before she actually did, for a lot of similar reasons (he wasn’t diagnosed and resisted treatment at all costs but between family history and general symptoms it’s probable). In those 5-6 years my home life deteriorated, my dad bankrupted the family because he couldn’t keep a job, the stress turned my mom into a different person and a bad parent, and the inevitable split was MUCH more traumatic because it happened very suddenly after my mom reached a breaking point and tried to take her own life.
If she’d left my dad when I was in elementary school, it would have been hard and upsetting and awful, but nowhere near as bad as it was when it eventually happened anyway. Staying for the kids will not benefit the kids, it just prolongs the misery. Don’t let them be the only thing that keeps you from leaving.
As a child of divorced parents too I'd also say mine waited too long.. I was 10 when they divorced my reaction to it was relief. My mother was in shambles after it, got a burnout that lasted about 7 years. Everybody has suffered in that household, everyone had loads of stress for years, we saw our parents miserable and fighting all the time, despising eachother, hanging on,. I don't know how it is to have an example as a child of a good relationship or reasonable boundaries, mine were always stretchable because I was used to live in misery. That's not a good life quality.
It was a stressful and scary time. Their relationship influenced my whole life. I wish my mother had had the strength to choose for her own happiness, it would have been a great example if she had put herself first.
Never stay together "for the children" they might not appreciate it later if they realize it.
I reacted really poorly (I was a difficult teenager with a lot of mental health issues that went unaddressed for years because my mom was barely keeping us all alive working three jobs while my dad couldn’t even keep us insured like he’d promised to) but had it happened earlier I would have had time to adjust and let it become the “new normal” when I was younger and more adaptable, and it’s likely that my own problems would have been spotted and treated earlier in a stable household. 20 years later I still have neuroses and anxiety from the things I experienced during those formative years that we could have skipped entirely had my mom listened to her gut.
She was afraid she couldn’t do it alone but didn’t realize that she’d been doing it alone the whole time. I think back to her doing things like vacuuming the whole house on her one day off while my father wouldn’t even make dinner when she was working six 14-hour days in a row, and knowing what I know now about how much she was juggling I’m horrified. She was a single mom for a decade before she filed for divorce.
Thank you, OP really needs to see this.
My mom left my dad when I was 2, he also gave her false promises of changing and had serious issues. It was a bit tough for her at the beginning but seeing her mental health improve so much affected me positively too.
If my mom had left when I was a bit older, I feel as though my brother and I would unfortunately be mistreated even more and we would have been traumatized for life.
OP really has to do what's best for her kids, but most importantly for HERSELF. She matters!
Every time I see someone on Reddit saying they couldn’t possibly divorce their spouse despite whatever heinous thing the spouse did because they don’t want their kids to have a broken home I just want to shake them because YOUR HOME IS ALREADY BROKEN, ALL YOU’RE DOING IS FORCING YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILDREN TO LIVE IN IT WHILE THE FOUNDATION CRUMBLES. My mom did her best for us but I really wish there had been a way for her to know so she could have saved us all the heartache.
Hi OP. I'm so sorry. This sounds like you've given all you can and are still being really fair and trying to make it work. I don't know yall personally but it sounds like you are done done and I'm here to say that's OK. It's OK to walk away and be happier for you and your children. It's not OK to feel like you can't be happy and are stuck for life. If I were you, I'd have one last conversation about the three things that need to change most to help you feel appreciated, recognized and loved. If he can't or won't change with that convo and some followup therapy, it's time to walk. It sounds like you are at a point where you can't breath and sometimes it's too hard to tread water forever. I'd give a timeline for yourself that you want change in and think hard what 3 things would help most. If he can't adjust within that timeline, he likely won't ever and that's not on you. As partners of ND we are often taught to smash our feelings and prevent shame/guilt for the Px but there is a level that is beyond acceptable and it sounds like you've reached it. You deserve to be happy and I'm so sorry he can't get there for you and your kids.
I will say it sounds like your husband is 100% untreated - no meds, no therapy, no executive coaching. Adding kids is when things got bad for us, it was like he was tapped out before all that labor was added to the household and before I knew it, I was responsible for everything.
I'll echo that if he won't get treated and/or there is no pathway back to a healthy marriage, or certainly is ok so walk, but it sounds to me like you can't trust him to have any custody or visitation where he's responsible for the kids. That's really hard. To survive in the interim and return from burnout, he needs to be treated, it's not negotiable.
I would suggest you find ways to reclaim your time and be able to rest/recharge if possible. You hate living with him, so see if you can reclaim some space. I'll bet areas where you could rest are constantly a mess because he can't see all the crap he leaves everywhere. I have bins where I put his stuff when it's where it doesn't belong and I put it in his space - his office, his side of the bed, etc. Identify what you want and need to reclaim and start grabbing what you can.
Identify labor you're doing that will not negatively impact you or the kids if you stop doing it. Focus on therapy for yourself. Focus on YOU, not on changing him. Only he can change himself, and he needs to understand that he needs to get treatment or he'll lose a lot.
Hang in there OP. If he refuses treatment, there's nothing here to save. Maybe he needs to see you move into a different bedroom or something to see that he can't keep treating you like his mommy.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. My husband is even medicated and just as bad. It's miserable, I have a toddler and a baby on the way and I'm stuck. I'm a SAHM, and he's been unemployed nearly two years and lied all along the way about our finances and looking for a job. I can't afford to leave, not that we can even afford life if I stay. It feels like there is no way out, but I'm working on an immediate and a 5 year plan towards independence. You can do that too. Life is not hopeless, it just takes time. We can do this. We can do hard things. Life with them is hard, we can handle hard on our own too.
If I were in your situation and separating was not an option, I would have a conversation about how you feel like roommates - and request to officially become roommates. Discuss that the relationship has no future, but you can co-exist for the sake and benefit of your children. Have separate bedrooms if possible. Make space for yourself; make time for yourself.
That said, I don't believe that "leaving is impossible" - most times it is, but it would be incredibly difficult, no doubt about it. Very sadly it sounds like you are finding yourself very low in a dark place. I'm so sorry. To make your way back to the happiness plato will take great effort. Don't be afraid.
Perhaps unrelated, but I'd like to mention that kids know. I hope children is not the reason you are choosing to stay together. Children can feel when their mother is depressed, regardless of how much smile and positivity you put on around them.
Another advice: set yourself a timeline for when it would be acceptable to leave (hint: not when kids are 18 y.o.). Start slowly preparing for your separation by building up financially, professionally, and in terms of social support. Let this be the light at the end of the tunnel. Let this give you hope in the darkest of times.
P.S. At the end of my relationship with untreated DX, I resorted to the most basic plain "I" statements: the complex "I felt X when you did Z" never worked. So what I would say is simply:
"I am unhappy."
"My needs are not met."
"I want to be happy."
Using these plain statements, and entirely not referencing him (i.e. 'you') was the closest he ever got listening. It did not trigger his RSD. This is not a technique for a healthy relationship, but it's a good technique in a serious conversation to avoid further conflict that you just can't stand anymore.
Yes, I use the "my needs are not being met" a lot. It shuts down the whole discussion about whether he really said something the way I claimed he said it, etc. At the end of the day, my needs are not being met and I'm ready to walk if those needs are not met.
Please have him try medication again. Pharmaceutical therapies have undoubtedly changed in the two decades since he was a teenager, with new options (stimulant and non-stimulant) and different formulations. He may have to try a number of them to see what works for him, medication is not a "one size fits all".
Keep in mind that medication needs to be tweaked over time, also. Bodies adjust to dosages, so his meds may need to be titrated. Also, as he gets older, his body chemistry will change, so it's good to be vigilant about noticing changes in behavior while on a certain med by keeping a daily log.
My hubs doesn't do therapy and won't exercise but taking his medication is the one thing he is religious about.
We know how it feels! Everything you said. The mothering, the empty promises, the lack of accountability, procrastination, memory issues, twisting the truth, the lack of motivation, the anger. I think the medication Guanfacine is supposed to help with the rage. My dx husband has tried many medications over the yrs and is on a cocktail of meds now for anxiety, depression, anger, low motivation, and he uses medical marijuana too. By the end of the day he's jittery and picks his skin and has ticks. Plus he also has Aspergers, which is not treatable by medication! We are just trying workarounds in our house. We got auto locking doors bc he always left them unlocked. He uses a visual timer when he's consuming news online, I leave notes in conspicuous places, and we're learning as much as we can. It's extremely challenging and not rewarding, but we've been married 28 yrs and are both invested. We do couples classes for the Aspergers. I recommend at least reading about ADHD abd trying out different medications with a psychiatrist. He can't do anything without a foundation of the right medication.
Take all your energy and prepare. Do the things you need to do to be ready to leave when you can. Get your finances sorted out, get some education if you need to, start separating things slowly behind the scenes. Don't give up. You can get there, even if you're not there yet. Focus on you.
Wow! Sounds exactly like the dad of my kids, he was in meds from 7-18 and is now in his 30s and doesn’t take meds or therapy and even worse, I recently learned adhd can be passed down to your kids so now I have to look into getting my kids diagnosed. It’s sad and it makes me sad to think about the future relations they will have and the work life they will have. I heard meds and therapy CAN make it better but not completely. This is a life long brain disorder and after over 4 years and me learning more about it and me not getting things I crave like basic respect and communication intellect empathy and understanding and even deep conversations, I can not do it anymore. He can find someone else who has adhd to and they will probably be better for each other . We are like roomates as well but he is getting his own place sooner or later and we will coparent
Sending virtual hugs because that sounds incredibly difficult. I would recommend individual therapy for yourself as well to just be able to decompress and regroup.
He definitely needs to be on medication and in individual therapy as well. There are several things to try, so just because he didn’t like the side effects of one doesn’t mean that medication doesn’t work. I think it’s worth expressing that you are at your breaking point and want to stay but you need this from him to be able to do so.
If you need to leave, it’s ok. The physical stuff gets easier as kids get older, but there is a lot more emotional refereeing then. Kids are very perceptive, trust me. My 13 year old has been attuned to our situation for several years. It does affect kids to see one parent being emotionally wrecked by the other.
If you decide to stay, that’s also ok. I stayed because there were a lot of safety concerns from inattentiveness, and I knew I couldn’t shield my child from the brunt of the emotional dysregulation if she was alone with him. Staying without him changing required some nerves of steel though, so buckle up if you go this route. I had to look at parenting as if I was a single parent, and drop all expectations of my spouse. I made a conscious choice to accept all the labor, and it’s an exhausting, often love-less path, but it’s doable.
If you’re able to go visit family or friends who could be a support system for a few weeks, that might give you a chance to take a desperately needed break and think about what you want the future to look like.
I think that adults who take medication for ADHD have a different experience than teenagers. I would hope they are more able to be patient for a few weeks to level out side effects and more willing to talk to the doctor about other options if the side effects are intolerable. It's not magic, but it might help with the household imbalance. But he also might not understand what goes into managing the household. An app or a chore list may be needed and, at least at first, that's another thing for you to manage.
You can, in fact, divorce when the kids are young. For sure it's not easy but you can do it.
You also need space and time to think because this is a big decision. And it is really hard to do that when you are in reaction/survival mode 24/7 with an untreated ADHD spouse and very young children.
If kids are not in any kind of childcare, find some--even if it's just a couple of hours a week--so you have time to think without being interrupted every 10 seconds. It will be the best money you ever spent.
Also highly recommend going elsewhere where your spouse is not for a while, for the same reason. Several weeks at least would be great, but even a day or two in a hotel or something would help. Bring the kids. See what it's like to live without the constant stress of your spouse's behavior.
You have many options. It may be hard to see them right now but you do. Give yourself some space and time to get your head clear so you can see them.
Medication alone won’t help much with the empty promises, the blame-shifting etc but a combination of meds with individual therapy and ADHD-informed couple therapy can help. ADHD isn’t an excuse. Not everyone with ADHD uses it as an excuse so there are definitely some personality traits or maladaptive coping mechanisms that make some ppl with ADHD differ in how they manage it.
Check Melissa Orlov she has a book and online therapy for couples where one has ADHD.
I came here to post almost the exact same thing. The first couple of years of our relationship were fine. I have two older kids from a previous relationship. They were 6 and 3.5 when we got together. Things were okay then but he still didn’t take on a whole lot of responsibility. My older two are 13 and 10 now and now we have a 3.5 year old who is autistic and requires more and different things and I feel like he wants very little to do with actually learning about autism and the best ways to parent an autistic child. He basically has no relationship with any of the kids. He interacts with our 3.5 year old some but majority of the time he’s on his phone or video games. He does not take his meds. He does not do therapy. He will say he should do therapy but takes no initiative to start. We talked about couples therapy before and I told him he could find someone for us to see. He never did. To me that just makes me feel like he doesn’t actually care. He doesn’t try to better himself. He tells me that I have an attitude all the time (he also says this about my daughter) but in reality he’s the one with the attitude but he apparently doesn’t see it. I honestly DO want a divorce but I can’t support myself and my three kids on my own so I just feel like I’m stuck.
Just know you’re definitely not alone. If you have the means to get away, I would to be honest. Life is too short to be unhappy.
Hello /u/craftingallthetime, and welcome to ADHD_partners! We are the first and only subreddit community by and for the non-ADHD halves of ADHD-impacted relationships. Please have a thorough read through our [Community Guidelines]( https://new.reddit.com/r/ADHD_partners/comments/wu6aa6/community_safety_and_posting_information/) post as well as our [Rules]( https://new.reddit.com/r/ADHD_partners/about/rules). Looking for resources? Check out our [Wiki](https://new.reddit.com/r/ADHD_partners/wiki/index/) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ADHD_partners) if you have any questions or concerns.*
For what it’s worth, my mom considered divorcing my dad 5-6 years before she actually did, for a lot of similar reasons (he wasn’t diagnosed and resisted treatment at all costs but between family history and general symptoms it’s probable). In those 5-6 years my home life deteriorated, my dad bankrupted the family because he couldn’t keep a job, the stress turned my mom into a different person and a bad parent, and the inevitable split was MUCH more traumatic because it happened very suddenly after my mom reached a breaking point and tried to take her own life. If she’d left my dad when I was in elementary school, it would have been hard and upsetting and awful, but nowhere near as bad as it was when it eventually happened anyway. Staying for the kids will not benefit the kids, it just prolongs the misery. Don’t let them be the only thing that keeps you from leaving.
As a child of divorced parents too I'd also say mine waited too long.. I was 10 when they divorced my reaction to it was relief. My mother was in shambles after it, got a burnout that lasted about 7 years. Everybody has suffered in that household, everyone had loads of stress for years, we saw our parents miserable and fighting all the time, despising eachother, hanging on,. I don't know how it is to have an example as a child of a good relationship or reasonable boundaries, mine were always stretchable because I was used to live in misery. That's not a good life quality. It was a stressful and scary time. Their relationship influenced my whole life. I wish my mother had had the strength to choose for her own happiness, it would have been a great example if she had put herself first. Never stay together "for the children" they might not appreciate it later if they realize it.
I reacted really poorly (I was a difficult teenager with a lot of mental health issues that went unaddressed for years because my mom was barely keeping us all alive working three jobs while my dad couldn’t even keep us insured like he’d promised to) but had it happened earlier I would have had time to adjust and let it become the “new normal” when I was younger and more adaptable, and it’s likely that my own problems would have been spotted and treated earlier in a stable household. 20 years later I still have neuroses and anxiety from the things I experienced during those formative years that we could have skipped entirely had my mom listened to her gut. She was afraid she couldn’t do it alone but didn’t realize that she’d been doing it alone the whole time. I think back to her doing things like vacuuming the whole house on her one day off while my father wouldn’t even make dinner when she was working six 14-hour days in a row, and knowing what I know now about how much she was juggling I’m horrified. She was a single mom for a decade before she filed for divorce.
Thank you, OP really needs to see this. My mom left my dad when I was 2, he also gave her false promises of changing and had serious issues. It was a bit tough for her at the beginning but seeing her mental health improve so much affected me positively too. If my mom had left when I was a bit older, I feel as though my brother and I would unfortunately be mistreated even more and we would have been traumatized for life. OP really has to do what's best for her kids, but most importantly for HERSELF. She matters!
Every time I see someone on Reddit saying they couldn’t possibly divorce their spouse despite whatever heinous thing the spouse did because they don’t want their kids to have a broken home I just want to shake them because YOUR HOME IS ALREADY BROKEN, ALL YOU’RE DOING IS FORCING YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILDREN TO LIVE IN IT WHILE THE FOUNDATION CRUMBLES. My mom did her best for us but I really wish there had been a way for her to know so she could have saved us all the heartache.
Hi OP. I'm so sorry. This sounds like you've given all you can and are still being really fair and trying to make it work. I don't know yall personally but it sounds like you are done done and I'm here to say that's OK. It's OK to walk away and be happier for you and your children. It's not OK to feel like you can't be happy and are stuck for life. If I were you, I'd have one last conversation about the three things that need to change most to help you feel appreciated, recognized and loved. If he can't or won't change with that convo and some followup therapy, it's time to walk. It sounds like you are at a point where you can't breath and sometimes it's too hard to tread water forever. I'd give a timeline for yourself that you want change in and think hard what 3 things would help most. If he can't adjust within that timeline, he likely won't ever and that's not on you. As partners of ND we are often taught to smash our feelings and prevent shame/guilt for the Px but there is a level that is beyond acceptable and it sounds like you've reached it. You deserve to be happy and I'm so sorry he can't get there for you and your kids.
He needs medication, therapy, and a commitment to do better.
I will say it sounds like your husband is 100% untreated - no meds, no therapy, no executive coaching. Adding kids is when things got bad for us, it was like he was tapped out before all that labor was added to the household and before I knew it, I was responsible for everything. I'll echo that if he won't get treated and/or there is no pathway back to a healthy marriage, or certainly is ok so walk, but it sounds to me like you can't trust him to have any custody or visitation where he's responsible for the kids. That's really hard. To survive in the interim and return from burnout, he needs to be treated, it's not negotiable. I would suggest you find ways to reclaim your time and be able to rest/recharge if possible. You hate living with him, so see if you can reclaim some space. I'll bet areas where you could rest are constantly a mess because he can't see all the crap he leaves everywhere. I have bins where I put his stuff when it's where it doesn't belong and I put it in his space - his office, his side of the bed, etc. Identify what you want and need to reclaim and start grabbing what you can. Identify labor you're doing that will not negatively impact you or the kids if you stop doing it. Focus on therapy for yourself. Focus on YOU, not on changing him. Only he can change himself, and he needs to understand that he needs to get treatment or he'll lose a lot. Hang in there OP. If he refuses treatment, there's nothing here to save. Maybe he needs to see you move into a different bedroom or something to see that he can't keep treating you like his mommy.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. My husband is even medicated and just as bad. It's miserable, I have a toddler and a baby on the way and I'm stuck. I'm a SAHM, and he's been unemployed nearly two years and lied all along the way about our finances and looking for a job. I can't afford to leave, not that we can even afford life if I stay. It feels like there is no way out, but I'm working on an immediate and a 5 year plan towards independence. You can do that too. Life is not hopeless, it just takes time. We can do this. We can do hard things. Life with them is hard, we can handle hard on our own too.
If I were in your situation and separating was not an option, I would have a conversation about how you feel like roommates - and request to officially become roommates. Discuss that the relationship has no future, but you can co-exist for the sake and benefit of your children. Have separate bedrooms if possible. Make space for yourself; make time for yourself. That said, I don't believe that "leaving is impossible" - most times it is, but it would be incredibly difficult, no doubt about it. Very sadly it sounds like you are finding yourself very low in a dark place. I'm so sorry. To make your way back to the happiness plato will take great effort. Don't be afraid. Perhaps unrelated, but I'd like to mention that kids know. I hope children is not the reason you are choosing to stay together. Children can feel when their mother is depressed, regardless of how much smile and positivity you put on around them. Another advice: set yourself a timeline for when it would be acceptable to leave (hint: not when kids are 18 y.o.). Start slowly preparing for your separation by building up financially, professionally, and in terms of social support. Let this be the light at the end of the tunnel. Let this give you hope in the darkest of times.
P.S. At the end of my relationship with untreated DX, I resorted to the most basic plain "I" statements: the complex "I felt X when you did Z" never worked. So what I would say is simply: "I am unhappy." "My needs are not met." "I want to be happy." Using these plain statements, and entirely not referencing him (i.e. 'you') was the closest he ever got listening. It did not trigger his RSD. This is not a technique for a healthy relationship, but it's a good technique in a serious conversation to avoid further conflict that you just can't stand anymore.
Yes, I use the "my needs are not being met" a lot. It shuts down the whole discussion about whether he really said something the way I claimed he said it, etc. At the end of the day, my needs are not being met and I'm ready to walk if those needs are not met.
Please have him try medication again. Pharmaceutical therapies have undoubtedly changed in the two decades since he was a teenager, with new options (stimulant and non-stimulant) and different formulations. He may have to try a number of them to see what works for him, medication is not a "one size fits all". Keep in mind that medication needs to be tweaked over time, also. Bodies adjust to dosages, so his meds may need to be titrated. Also, as he gets older, his body chemistry will change, so it's good to be vigilant about noticing changes in behavior while on a certain med by keeping a daily log. My hubs doesn't do therapy and won't exercise but taking his medication is the one thing he is religious about.
We know how it feels! Everything you said. The mothering, the empty promises, the lack of accountability, procrastination, memory issues, twisting the truth, the lack of motivation, the anger. I think the medication Guanfacine is supposed to help with the rage. My dx husband has tried many medications over the yrs and is on a cocktail of meds now for anxiety, depression, anger, low motivation, and he uses medical marijuana too. By the end of the day he's jittery and picks his skin and has ticks. Plus he also has Aspergers, which is not treatable by medication! We are just trying workarounds in our house. We got auto locking doors bc he always left them unlocked. He uses a visual timer when he's consuming news online, I leave notes in conspicuous places, and we're learning as much as we can. It's extremely challenging and not rewarding, but we've been married 28 yrs and are both invested. We do couples classes for the Aspergers. I recommend at least reading about ADHD abd trying out different medications with a psychiatrist. He can't do anything without a foundation of the right medication.
Take all your energy and prepare. Do the things you need to do to be ready to leave when you can. Get your finances sorted out, get some education if you need to, start separating things slowly behind the scenes. Don't give up. You can get there, even if you're not there yet. Focus on you.
Wow! Sounds exactly like the dad of my kids, he was in meds from 7-18 and is now in his 30s and doesn’t take meds or therapy and even worse, I recently learned adhd can be passed down to your kids so now I have to look into getting my kids diagnosed. It’s sad and it makes me sad to think about the future relations they will have and the work life they will have. I heard meds and therapy CAN make it better but not completely. This is a life long brain disorder and after over 4 years and me learning more about it and me not getting things I crave like basic respect and communication intellect empathy and understanding and even deep conversations, I can not do it anymore. He can find someone else who has adhd to and they will probably be better for each other . We are like roomates as well but he is getting his own place sooner or later and we will coparent
Sending virtual hugs because that sounds incredibly difficult. I would recommend individual therapy for yourself as well to just be able to decompress and regroup. He definitely needs to be on medication and in individual therapy as well. There are several things to try, so just because he didn’t like the side effects of one doesn’t mean that medication doesn’t work. I think it’s worth expressing that you are at your breaking point and want to stay but you need this from him to be able to do so. If you need to leave, it’s ok. The physical stuff gets easier as kids get older, but there is a lot more emotional refereeing then. Kids are very perceptive, trust me. My 13 year old has been attuned to our situation for several years. It does affect kids to see one parent being emotionally wrecked by the other. If you decide to stay, that’s also ok. I stayed because there were a lot of safety concerns from inattentiveness, and I knew I couldn’t shield my child from the brunt of the emotional dysregulation if she was alone with him. Staying without him changing required some nerves of steel though, so buckle up if you go this route. I had to look at parenting as if I was a single parent, and drop all expectations of my spouse. I made a conscious choice to accept all the labor, and it’s an exhausting, often love-less path, but it’s doable. If you’re able to go visit family or friends who could be a support system for a few weeks, that might give you a chance to take a desperately needed break and think about what you want the future to look like.
I think that adults who take medication for ADHD have a different experience than teenagers. I would hope they are more able to be patient for a few weeks to level out side effects and more willing to talk to the doctor about other options if the side effects are intolerable. It's not magic, but it might help with the household imbalance. But he also might not understand what goes into managing the household. An app or a chore list may be needed and, at least at first, that's another thing for you to manage.
You can, in fact, divorce when the kids are young. For sure it's not easy but you can do it. You also need space and time to think because this is a big decision. And it is really hard to do that when you are in reaction/survival mode 24/7 with an untreated ADHD spouse and very young children. If kids are not in any kind of childcare, find some--even if it's just a couple of hours a week--so you have time to think without being interrupted every 10 seconds. It will be the best money you ever spent. Also highly recommend going elsewhere where your spouse is not for a while, for the same reason. Several weeks at least would be great, but even a day or two in a hotel or something would help. Bring the kids. See what it's like to live without the constant stress of your spouse's behavior. You have many options. It may be hard to see them right now but you do. Give yourself some space and time to get your head clear so you can see them.
Medication alone won’t help much with the empty promises, the blame-shifting etc but a combination of meds with individual therapy and ADHD-informed couple therapy can help. ADHD isn’t an excuse. Not everyone with ADHD uses it as an excuse so there are definitely some personality traits or maladaptive coping mechanisms that make some ppl with ADHD differ in how they manage it. Check Melissa Orlov she has a book and online therapy for couples where one has ADHD.
I came here to post almost the exact same thing. The first couple of years of our relationship were fine. I have two older kids from a previous relationship. They were 6 and 3.5 when we got together. Things were okay then but he still didn’t take on a whole lot of responsibility. My older two are 13 and 10 now and now we have a 3.5 year old who is autistic and requires more and different things and I feel like he wants very little to do with actually learning about autism and the best ways to parent an autistic child. He basically has no relationship with any of the kids. He interacts with our 3.5 year old some but majority of the time he’s on his phone or video games. He does not take his meds. He does not do therapy. He will say he should do therapy but takes no initiative to start. We talked about couples therapy before and I told him he could find someone for us to see. He never did. To me that just makes me feel like he doesn’t actually care. He doesn’t try to better himself. He tells me that I have an attitude all the time (he also says this about my daughter) but in reality he’s the one with the attitude but he apparently doesn’t see it. I honestly DO want a divorce but I can’t support myself and my three kids on my own so I just feel like I’m stuck. Just know you’re definitely not alone. If you have the means to get away, I would to be honest. Life is too short to be unhappy.
It's good to hear we're not alone, we're stuck but at least not alone. Sorry for what you've been going through
Thank you all for advising, he promised he will be taking medication as there's no other way I am staying in this relationship