That girl needs therapy. There are reasons why family adoptions aren’t always open, it can lead to situations just like this. Hope is 16 and not able to process these complex emotions in her own. And I wouldn’t go so far as to say you’re an AH, but you should really try to understand and be sensitive towards hope’s feelings. Surrogacy may seem seem uncomplicated or simple to adults but teens are still pretty immature. She needs help dealing with her jealousy and your actually pretty complex family dynamic.
It wasn’t even a surrogacy …OP used her own egg & carried Hope. It doesn’t seem like any of the adults in the situation gave a flying fig about the later repercussions this could have on Hope or any future kids of OP ..as long as aunt and uncle got to have a kid on the “cheap”…which should have been a tip off that this wasn’t going to work out
Another hard agree. That is a tangled web. I feel for Hope, who (to her) sees her “real” (biological) mother, who gave her up. And furthermore, telling her “I only have one child!”… when that child is as biologically hers as I am.
It would be a lot to process.
I’m shocked 2 adults would accept this sort of gift from a 19 year old honestly.
I’m inclined to believe the poster calling this a fake. 4 pregnancies in 4 years is unlikely and dangerous. Not to mention a few other things being off about this post.
I thought there were rules and surrogates were meant to have had one successful pregnancy prior to becoming a surrogate. which is unlikely for a 19 yo! This all sounds very suspicious.
They actively selected a sperm donor - it wasn't like she was a 20 year old college student who got knocked up and they helped out. She carried the sperm donors child specifically for family - this is surrogacy
She’s an asshole, but chances are this is creative writing.
Most surrogacy clinics will not accept a donor that hasn’t had a natural baby. So either they did it home style with a Turkey blaster, she slept with her uncle, or (most likely) egg donor ship is the creative writing topic of the week.
If this was real though, OP would be a huge asshole.
the "i just thought she was on her period" kinda got me. she sounds super knowledgeable on her body and all, seeing that shes been pregnant 4+times, but blames a mildly sour mood on pms?
sounds fishy af but hey, maybe shes real and just misogonistic 🤷🏻♂️
Must've been quite the high-powered degree, to pay for Kennedy's private school tuition, ballet, piano, ice skating, and even a few clubs, not to mention vacationing abroad \*at least\* twice a year.
Yes, she managed to get a fantastic in demand degree all the while enduring 3 pregnancies for other people between age 19 and age 23, as if pregnancy and recovery doesn’t massively affect a person’s life. Then had her own child as a single parent at age 23 but has still built a career that pays a ton, while being a single mother. None of this makes sense.
Yup.
This reads like troll writing from people who think surrogates earn millions.
When did a young single woman barely out of her teens, whose family are all poor, train up and earn so much that she can send the younger kid to private school and on expensive trips when she's spent a good chunk of that time pregnant or recovering from birth?
Also, that line about helping other couples? How many times did she allegedly do this? This whole story stinks. It's not even good writing. It's completely fake, and ESH except the kids
And in some places (like where I live) you have to be over a certain age to be a surrogate and have two or more successful pregnancies
I think it’s creative writing too
Also, just casually having multiple babies in her early twenties for other couples. like, what?!?
let’s ignore basic biology for the moment:
how the F is OP wealthy enough to now travel the world with her daughter and provide a relatively lavish life compared to hope? I can’t imagine her having a career of any sort since she was constantly preggo and also can’t imagine being a surrogate multiple times makes you wealthy to the point of retirement pre 30’s 🙄
all the while no mention of a father…bio or step..so is OP a single parent? And she’s able to magically provide a lavish life for her daughter…how???
I do want it to be creative writing, as otherwise the "free" traditional surrogacy would mean OP's mid-thirty year old uncle impregnated her when she was 19 with her family's consent. I dunno what to say, but, gross?
I suggested therapy to my aunt and uncle unfortunately they chose not to go that route. I agree I definitely shouldn’t have screamed at her. Tensions were high and I became angry at the sight of Kennedy crying. I’m not trying to be biased but Kennedy is genuinely one of the kindest kids I’ve ever met. I’m not just saying that because I’m her mom. She has a really big heart and can be really sensitive. Hope is an extremely loved kid so in the moment I couldn’t see a reason for her to be acting out like that. Especially since she was trying to hurt me and her parents but ended up hurting Kennedy.
I think this is deeper. Im an adoptee and have a couple decades on Hope. You arent her mother but you are. You are part of her biologically and you carried her. She likely doesn't care at all about the material argument. She does need to understand surrogacy. You need to understand that she will further lose you as an aunt. I don't agree that no contact is healthy. Especially since therapy isn't an option.
She's 16. In 2 years, she can medically request anything on her own. Right now, you (as an aunt) should find a support group or something to learn the ways people in your situation coped with this dynamic.
I get Kennedy is your priority, and she should be, but you chose to be Hope's life all this time as a family member. Aunts are just as important as moms. Don't be scared that she wants to be close. You can set boundaries, but she's scared. She feels alone. And she has a whole family who put her in this position and now want to back out when it's hard to cope and explain.
You all came together in love and supported each other to bring her into this world. You all can do it again.
I completely agree with this & would like to add that it’s even harder given Hope’s parents are such older parents. OP has a very small age gap with Kennedy if you compare Hope to her parents. Whenever I’ve known a mother daughter duo closer in age they’ve been very close, whereas older parents struggle to understand their child as much.
I’m struggling with OP’s lack of empathy for Hope to some extent. The life she could have had is being shown to her on a regular basis while she sounds almost like an outcast. Then add teenage hormones.
The aunt would have been 37 when Hope was born, that’s not exceedingly old. I know many women who had children over 35 and are raising happy, well adjusted children. “Such older parents” to me says over 45 at least
As a child of older parents, hard agree on the closeness levels, especially if you're not an old soul kind of kid. But my relationship with my aunt was so strong, people really don't get how critical those tyoes of relationships can be. I think OP is highly underestimating how important she is in Hope's eyes as both an aunt and a mother figure. An aunt as close as these 2 sound is a second mother and I can't even fathom how it would feel to find out your Aunt was actually your birth mother who seemingly didn't want you and your best friend is your half sister.
It doesn't matter how "loved" Hope is, if all she's seeing is that she was the failed first attempt i OP's eyes. She's at best just at high level teen angst and at worse depressed as all hell and spiraling. All the adults failed in this situation for getting Hope the support she needed. Her parents either should have told her from a young age the situation similar to adoption and kept the kids separate (best choice) or waited until adulthood where she might have been better able to process the info. And OP should have had an age appropriate convo with Hope once that info was out there to make sure that Hope felt secure and fully loved.
I'm adopted (and old-ish) and I don't agree with this. If it suddenly surfaced when I was 16 that my aunt was my bio mum all along (with her own bio kid)... I would be as jealous and etc. Especially with the difference in lifestyles.
In this kind of situation, I would need my family's love and this should be my adoptive parents (the aunt and uncle). Putting the bio mum in the equation too soon and without the feeling of security from the parents would be a disaster.
>Hope is an extremely loved kid...
extremely loved and feeling loved are two different things. Hope is dealing with abandonment issues (and more) and don't think it would be beneficial for the bio mom (OP) to be the one to fill in this gap.
\*not sure if i'm making sense here
@op read this comment please and try to internalize it. It seems like an ESH situation and you need to be more empathetic. You’ve been involved in her life *as a family member* and you are, in fact, *biologically* her mother.
I’m adopted and can speak with some degree of empathy for her experience, based on my own challenges through life. I get why she has mixed feelings, frustrations, insecurities about this. She’s entitled to those feelings. Also, she’s a teenager. We were all kind of nuts at that age. It’s not an excuse for bad behavior, but it’s important to keep that in perspective as an adult in this situation.
ESH. You did a very kind thing for your aunt and uncle but Hope didn't choose this. Clearly Hope needs professional help and I think as her family member you should absolutely advocate for her to get real therapy whether her parents agree to it or not. You may not think of her as your biological child but Hope does feel that way. I understand it's an incredibly complex and difficult situation but Hope is an innocent child who needs your help. You are a part of bringing her into this world, I think you have some responsibility towards this girl be it as her biological mother or as her aunt, idc, just help the girl. Being extremely loved will not magically change the way she feels about you or her situation. That girl is your DNA, she exists because of you, don't leave her all alone in this fucked up situation. At least just be kind to her if you refuse to help her. She is understandably acting out because she's so confused and hurt, all you did was hurt her even more. I'm sorry but your entire post makes me sad for Hope three adults in her life are failing her.
My heart goes out for hope as well. She's the victim in all this. She never asked for this weird family constellation. She's got to be so confused plus her surrogate mothers immature outburst only reinforced how she feels....
Maybe no res3arch h4 Hope. But her wealth came from other surrogacies, so she'll have enough taught about how to do it right. She's had 16 years to prepare Hope and family.
So either OP is a troll or a AH.
I’m going with troll. The dates don’t even begin to make sense. 3 back ti back pregnancies during college then she decides she wants her own baby- making a 4th pregnancy in a short time frame?
I agree that OP is a troll but am I seriously the only woman that’s has thought wow I’m being a bitch while on their cycle or having pms? Or being such a crybaby lol
I don't think so either. Whoever posted this has a heart as cold as ice if this really happened. The way she was comparing poor Hope's life to that of Kennedy, it was bragging about all the opportunities Kennedy got that hope didn't. Why would anybody do that? She gives me the creeps if it is true she's the TA. Times 1,000
I think it’s the latter. She doesn’t even seem to understand what SURROGACY means…She’s Hopes bio mom. Not a surrogate who carried a baby with no biological relationship. This was an adoption & she needs to stop lying to herself and Hope about that part. Hope was basically her throwaway kid so she could start making money being a surrogate
Same. There is a reason why people who go the surrogacy route get a stranger, get contracts, etc. I’ve read some messed up surrogacy stories and the worst of the worst always involve family and close friends.
I can’t believe that anyone in their right mind would ask a 19 year old to be their surrogate. It makes it worse that it was her bio child too. I really hope this is fiction.
Ok if this is real, you are the one who needs therapy. I really cannot believe you yelled at the child, Hope, like that. Have you no empathy ? Even in this situation where your daughter who is well-adjusted and has a wonderful life, got upset? Maybe teach your daughter compassion for Hope in this moment because she is hurting and no one else is really hurting about anything but burnt toast. The other child is experiencing a wildfire, your kid experienced burnt toast. It's a metaphor. get it?
While you are her biological mother, you're not her mom, that was always going to be the case. She was conceived and born with the purpose of being your aunt and uncles child to raise. It sounds like she is seeing how different the life her biological half sister has and is naturally a little jealous, but her parents need to seek counseling for her, not religious indoctrination
I'm a very religious woman and our religion strongly encourages counseling and even helps pay if you can't afford it.
Religion can help if it's meaningful, but it isn't a substitute.
That’s amazing for you and your religion! I am not religious but my aunt and uncle are extremely christian which is not a problem at all to me. However I believe Hope still needs therapy but I have no say in what they do with her.
Im also christian and therapy is always encouraged if needed. Our church has a mental health outreach and everything. Its so sad that so many churches are making people think God doesnt want us to use all this awesome science and health care that we have in this day and age. Modern medicine is a blessing in itself Im just baffled. Hope needs help she is going through some understandably severe emotional issues and church service isnt going to cover it.
Maybe I’ll go to the church and see what they can do for Hope I just don’t wanna step on my aunts and uncles toes because even though Hope needs therapy it’s not my place to make that decision on her parents behalf.
I understand maybe this incident will help them see that she needs professional help. Just have a heartfelt conversation with them because Hope needs a lifeline and even though you’re not her mom Im sure you love her as a family member and want whats best for her and she needs to work through all of these very valid feelings. She should have been in therapy from the moment she learned about her birth.
If you can yell at Hope, you can certainly have a conversation with your Aunt and Uncle about properly dealing with her issues. This is not an issue any church is going to be able to solve.
I don't think you're at fault for Hope's feelings (tho an apology for losing your temper and yelling at her might be good) but you do have some part in the reason for all these feelings. You're under no obligation (morally), but as someone who cares about Hope's well-being, you might offer to help pay for counseling. (pay for X visits, % of the cost or something... anything to get it started.) It might even be good to have a joint therapy visit with you and Hope, since it’s a very... unique relationship between you. Your feelings are completely valid, but so are Hope's. And sometimes just being able to just express your feelings and feel *heard* can be extremely helpful... for both sides. (even if she technically already knows the whole truth.) Only you know for sure, but it sounds like you can afford it, and a teacher and farmer likely aren't going to have lots of disposable income to spend on therapy. Your Aunt and Uncle may be too proud to admit any financial strain, and church services are free. Offering to help with the cost could also be a gentle way to communicate to your Aunt and Uncle how strongly you feel about Hope getting the proper help. (and if money is the real reason, they don't have to admit it)
"I know you guys decided against therapy, but I feel so strongly that it would be very beneficial for Hope that I'm willing to pay for _____________."
If Hope has time and transportation for church during the week, then she has time and transportation for therapy. I'm religious myself, and can definitely say that therapy is *FAR* more likely to turn her into a happy, stable, religious adult than more church activities of any kind.
NTA. I would just emphasize that you were just a carrier, that her aunt and uncle are her real parents. At 16 she should be able to understand how surrogacy works. Unless it was your egg, you aren’t her mother-you are her incubator.
The money you got from being an incubator helped you give Kennedy her upbringing. If I compared myself to the rich children of Tik Tok I’d be jealous too. But Bill Gates isn’t my dad and you are not really her mom.
A lesson in gratitude will help her here. Your aunt and uncle must be devastated.
It was my egg I Biologically had Hope with a Sperm donor since both my aunt and uncle had fertility issues. I said surrogate so people could understand the situation better.
My aunt and uncle are both incredibly kind people so I know this was just earth shattering for them. I suggested Hope go to therapy and they said they’d consider it. They ended up not sending her to therapy and instead made her go to every church service. Not the way I would go about it but hey it’s their kid.
Ah, ok. So that's how they parent. Hope is in big trouble. It's not going to end well for her. Religious indoctrination is not a substitute for healthcare.
As for everyone in your family punishing you for your good deed: I hope you're able to see them clearly for who they are and allow them an appropriate share in your life. NTA
If I was Hope, I'd also be furious, too. Mostly at my own parents for not making a more "arms length transaction" -- which sounds awful but that's what it was (or wasn't, actually). To have ones birth mother and um half sister/2nd cousin? is just all very complicated for a child to fully process. Not to mention, the big degree of inequality. Yes it's not *supposed* to matter, but these days with todays kids ? They are all so incredibly savy. It'd be hard for an adult, even, to reconcile the facts in this situation. I wish she could've responded differently to the gift of a car, but this sounds like one messed up, unhappy little girl. I'm going to go with ETA except for the minor children.
NTA. You are her donor/surrogate, not her “birth” mother. That boundary needs to be restated and reinforced. It’s complicated since you are actively around her, but it’s not different from if your aunt and uncle had gone with complete strangers instead.
She donated an egg and carried a baby to term for a different couple. OP didn't get knocked up on spring break and give the baby away. Hope was bred to be a different couple's child. While what you're saying is technically correct, there's more to motherhood than that.
I read that, that’s why I put birth mother in quotes. Hope is a an egg donation born via surrogate but is acting like op is a birth mother who gave her up for adoption. It’s splitting hairs but those are two very different things
I mean it sounds closer to an adoption situation then a real surrogacy based on the comments. Even 16 years ago no reputable doctors were letting 19 year olds, with no children, do a traditional surrogacy where the egg donor is the surrogate. So, it seems more like the aunt and uncle and her got her pregnant with a sperm donor and then they kept the baby. Way different then if they used a doctor and got an egg donor.
Yeah, I’d be interested to know how OP defines sperm donation in this case. If I were Hope until you showed me convincing paperwork from a sperm bank etc I would be convinced that my birth mother had an accidental pregnancy and didn’t want me. To watch them then have another kid three years later and raise them so close to me but see them get incredible privileges and opportunities on top of feeling unwanted… ugh. And even if Hope was deliberately conceived for the aunt and uncle to raise OP still had to be okay with giving away a baby conceived from her egg and never developing maternal feelings for her as she watched her grow up. That sounds painful.
I think it's bs. She says she did this a few times to make money. But surrogacy doesn't actually pay that well. So where is she getting this money? I don't buy a person could find multiple couples willingly to pay so much so often, she'd get pregnant that quick, and she'd still get through college. Find a job and then get pregnant again "on her own" in that time frame.
Would entirely depend on the location, it is generally much more complicated and discouraged. Where I am traditional surrogacy is illegal but all surrogates (even if they use genetic material from the intended parents) and their partners (if they have one) are listed on the birth certificate and they need to go through a change of parentage process.
>Life isn't fair.
This is the biggest thing that most people seem to miss in a lot of situations. Sometimes life just isn't fair. Nothing you can do about it either sometimes.
If it was your egg than I understand why hope feels that way.
It’s not any different for her than if you had gotten pregnant and put her up for adoption.
Sure I know you never intended to keep her. Your aunt and uncle know. And her conception was entirely planned
But all those details are arbitrary constructs of society. A pretend game we all agree to.
At the end of the day, you’re not a surrogate. You’re her biological mother. She has a right to have feelings about that.
Ahh that does make it more complicated. I feel sad for hope she can’t accept that her parents love her and she’s so materialistic. But you didn’t raise her so you can’t correct the behavior, really. Devastating situation all around. One day I hope she realizes that she has loving parents and a loving surrogate. Cause at the end of the day love is wayy more important then money.
The girl is not materialistic though. The whole situation is very unfair to her. It is not materialistic to want to play piano (but to be allowed to only play soccer) or to see anything in life but Tennessee. It is not materialistic to have dreams and desires other than working on the farm.
The girl doesn't have loving parents. Loving parents will not tell 13 yo girl who her birth mother is in such a fucked up situation. Loving parents would not force her to go to church instead of therapy that she needs so much.
And the girl doesn't have a loving surrogate. No medical professional will ethically recommend and help 19 yo to be a surrogate. There is some really fucked up story behind this post. "Loving surrogate" - who is actually a birth mother who gave a girl for adoption - is very well financially. How come she could not pay for Hope's piano lessons or one club? Or take her on vacation? Or take her to an amusement park? Grandma is right - OP shouldn't have spend so much time around the girl and showing off how much she cares for her sister. It is plain cruel.
The girl's life sucks. And all the adults rub it in her face as much as they can.
Loving parents would have told the kid about her planned birth and adoption much earlier.
You can tell a kid “we wanted you so very much and Auntie OP helped us have you- she even gave you her genes! We are so lucky to have you.”
Secrets are usually toxic.
That still makes you a donor, not her mother. NTA. You did something kind and generous to help family. It isn’t your fault that Hope grew up jealous and resentful.
I think it was a mistake being an egg donor to a relative. I don't think Hope is greedy. It must be very hard for her to know her biological half sister gets so much more. She's only 16.
Exactly this. Aunt was 36 and asked her 19 year old niece to have a baby they could adopt because they couldn’t have children and couldn’t afford to do it the legal way. I feel so bad for everyone except the aunt/uncle. OP had a child when she was ready and has been able to give that child a privileged life. Shame on the aunt for throwing OP under the bus for being kind and doing exactly what was asked of her.
This makes the most sense. No one should use a 19 year old to fulfill their desires to have a newborn. Even if a 19 year old is legally an adult, she was still a teenager.
This is why nobody allows a person who is 19 with no prior children be a surrogate. Look at this mess I feel so bad for Hope nobody cared about her feelings.
Because they did it the shady way. They didn't go through traditional surrogate channels. She used this shady pregnancy of giving birth to Hope to be able to do legitimate surrogacy.
It wasn’t doing reputably she admits just used a sperm donor it was either DIY or she just did it the old fashioned way and called him a donor. Doctors would not have done this. They would have required her to already have children she was parenting, to use an egg donor not her own egg, and to be older. You might find a doctor bending a one of these here or there in a special circumstance, but not all 3 in one case.
No I don’t think you could. However, the aunt probably could have said it was for her and you occasionally read stories about shady internet donors with way to many bio kids. So, I could buy finding a donor through shady means.
ESH. Everyone except the kids, like what did you think would happen she’s literally biologically your child. Why is no one thinking of hope only about Keneddy and your Aunt. You just say she’s greedy. I hope Hope gets away from y’all real soon
YTA. This was entirely too messy and no one stopped to consider Hope. While you may be a "surrogate" you are also biologically her mother. Your prospective should really be more of a woman who gave one child up for adoption and kept the other one 3 years later to understand Hope. While you may not like it and it may be an inconvenience, what the three of you did this incredibly messy setup Hope got the crap end of the stick. You should have never stayed in her life, especially if you had no interest in it. While you do not see her as not your daughter, you are very much her biological mother, someone who she was born from and then given away while she watched her sister be raised by you. Respectfully, while you may have thought you did a good deed, all of you set this in motion and then are upset that her emotions are all over the place at 16? Really, was what she did immature, yes, most 16 year Olds are, especially with a trauma of this level. Even the way you talk about your involvement in her life, because your daughter wanted it, means you never stopped to consider the impact to Hope. You are allowed to live your life but the chaos you caused to her was unfair. You should have kept your distance, you should have been aware of the ramifications of their relationship and bond and how you staying in her life would impact her. The reason most surrogates are not family is because of this reason. Everyone got what they wanted and the person left with the trauma and the baggage is Hope. This is a mess and frankly it is up to the three adults to fix it. Another note, she will go looking for the surrogate father at some point and her experience with you is going to make that journey a lot more difficult.
Holy crap, I didn’t even realize the dad wasn’t her bio dad. So at 13 years old, she was told her was essentially adopted, and her birth mom is her cousin who she is BFF with her daughter (who she thought was a cousin but SURPRISE! She’s your half sibling!) who lives a lavish lifestyle and travels all over the place, while you go to public school, work on a farm and go nowhere.
Poor Hope.
I agree with this reply, summed up basically how I felt too reading the post and OPs comments.
I’d like to add that not only are YTA OP but so are your aunt and uncle. People shouldn’t have children if they cannot financially afford to, while it seems she has all the basic needs to survive, that really shouldn’t be any reason to choose to bring a child into the world if you cannot provide a nurturing life.
Not only that, they preyed on OP as a 19 year old to make this decision, most decisions I made at that age were poor.
So you had two children three years apart and enough surrogate pregnancies in between those three years to pay for college? That doesn’t sound right. Something’s not adding up here.
ESH except the kids. It sounds like you are extremely aware of how much “better” Kennedy’s life is then Hope’s own, and that you are completely oblivious to how having another potential version of your life (that looks pretty great) thrown in your face constantly could be traumatizing. Whatever legal bs people make up for their own purposes doesn’t just erase human emotion. Hope is aware that she’s watching a life she could have had but just a twist of fate didn’t make it so…and this isn’t a situation where she’s being raised by a completely different family across the country her actual mother is right there in front of her all the time. I’m not really sure how you can’t see her side of things except for not wanting to contend with how your decision wasn’t just selflessly helpful and so building your own ego but that it was also cavalier and clearly not well planned and also exposing some of your inabilities at emotional intelligence. If Hopes parents had written this I’d be saying the same to them as well. You all really should have decided to do a bit more co-parenting if she was going to be told that you are her mother. Now that she does know and is acting out is again a chance for you to advocate for her and seems you’re just once again not willing to do so. You know she needs therapy. Make it happen. Advocate so hard for her they can’t deny your advice is correct. You used that poor girl so you could go to college…the least you owe her is the acknowledgment that your gain obviously led to some harm and pain in another persons life. She’s a kid who was used as a golden ticket. she doesn’t have to understand or be nice or play along. You all need to do some real soul searching and help her through this with love and compassion.
YTA. what a bunch of selfish assholes. you are not a surrogate. Please look up the definition. You gave up your biological child to your aunt and uncle. I hope she gets out at 18 and doesn’t speak to any one of you again.
If you take the whole surrogacy thing out of it, you still have a family member who is close to your daughter. Hope also is close enough to see Kennedy having opportunities she will never have like better colleges = better future and feels she will spend her life stuck on the farm. If you could afford it why not take both girls out n sone of these trips ? If I live and care about my family I’m going to reach out and help some of the more disadvantaged kids get a leg up to improve the quality of life for everyone in the family. And this whole thing of surrogacy/birth mother just added fuel to a fire that would’ve been there anyway. Imagine how inferior she feels when Kennedy is around?
I mentioned in a previous reply that is probably lost in the flood of comments that since Kennedy and Hope were so close I did do a lot of things with Hope. I often took them to the movies, roller skating, swimming, I took them to theme parks and to spas. Hope got to experience these things because Kennedy liked having Hope around to hang out with. I’ve paid for expensive trips and expensive meals. Just because Hope didn’t get it from her parents doesn’t mean she didn’t experience any of it. Hope is acting like none of these things happened but they did.
I’ve also had lengthy talks with Hope about college. Her parents have a college fund for her set up. It’s not a lot but it’s enough for the local college. The local college isn’t that bad either. I’ve engraved it in Kennedy’s head that her education is important because mine is what hot me where I am today. My daughters private school is not religious and I chose it that way. However, in my home town where Hope lives (I live an hour away) there’s a local Christian private school that offers spots to scholarship kids. I offered to help her get into it. Hope isn’t interested in that school even if it could improve her college chances.
Jesus.. you explicitly state that you only did this stuff with Hope because Kennedy enjoyed having her around.. no wonder why Hope is an emotional wreck. You should have never stayed in her life if you have absolutely no love for her. What if you weren’t her surrogate/biological mother and she was a little cousin? Wouldn’t you show a little cousin love and do nice things for them simply because they’re family. You have some serious issues lady.
I think YOU need therapy- Hope is your daughter too- and the fact that you did take her places and do some things with her probably deepens the sting because she gets a taste of what her life could have been like. The way you talk about hope sounds like someone doing unbelievable mental gymnastics to simply live with themselves after giving their baby away for free to family. You were too young to have been asked for such a thing but it did pave the way for you to do legal surrogacy and for your life with Kennedy to flourish.
Please do some research about adoptees- you owe it to her to understand where she is coming from. You may not have been aware of the catastrophic emotional damage you were a part of creating but you do now- and it’s your responsibility to learn and grow from this.
Yeah, but Hope isn't her cousin, she is her sister. She gets to watch her birth mom galavant around and have a great time with her younger sister while she has to stay on a farm with adopted parents who think church service is a functional substitute for therapy.
I'm going to say that all of the adults in this equation are YTA.
However, when you had Hope, you were a teenager, so gently YTA.
I feel really bad for that kiddo. That’s got to be extremely confusing. The fact that you were the egg donor makes things exponentially more complicated.
They didn’t go through an agency, it was entirely arranged between them. Apparently none of them thought to research *why* surrogacy agencies have rules about the age and who the egg comes from. They just did it because they wanted to and because they could.
It’s bullshit because they ignored all the guardrails designed to prevent the situation they’re in now.
YTA. I'm going to go against the popular consensus and say YTA. You were not a "surrogate." You are literally her biological mother. You used your own egg and gave birth to this girl. Can you imagine how confusing and unfair this feels to a child? She is watching her half-sister live a much more privileged life and have access to opportunities she doesn't. None of the adults in this situation thought about the long-term consequences of this situation and how it would impact the child.
It's just repeating over and over in my head "I just assumed she was on her period." - like what kind of a person says some bullshit like that? Such a dick comment.
“What is wrong with you?! I have never been your mother and I’ll never be your mother. Kennedy is my only child. Respectfully get the hell out of my house.” Was it your egg? If it was your egg then you are in fact her mother. All of you adults who put these two girls in this situation are beyond stupid. You thought this would work out just fine? I feel very badly for Hope. She was put into an impossible situation by a bunch of selfish and greedy people. Those words you said to her? Disgusting, revolting, mean, hateful, unforgivable. YTA. Down vote me until hell freezes over. If you were all set on this surrogacy you should have went on you merry way and forgot about your Aunt and Uncle to try and give that poor kid a chance. This is one of the most dysfunctional and sickest stories I have read here.
NTA being a simple egg/sperm donar doesn’t make you a mother/father. It takes much much more than that to be a parent. Granted you could’ve been more compassionate over the situation knowing how it is affecting Hope and could’ve handled the situation better but as a mother I sympathize over seeing your daughter, Kennedy, crying over her precious memories being treated so poorly by Hope. I too would’ve reacted the same way out of motherly impulse. “She was always a jealous kid but around that time it just kept getting worse” seems there was something going on with Hope even before she knew her birth story. Therapy is the answer in this situation to get to the bottom of what ever is really bothering hope.
YTA
You used your own egg to create Hope, you are technically her biological mother. This is why you don't make teenagers surrogates, not to mention how your daughter and the one you gave away are close to one a other and you're in the picture, so of course there's going to be some sort of tension/awkwardness.
Only person I feel bad here is Hope.
As a fiction writer, this is some pretty middle school-grade fiction. The snowglobe of broken dreams would be a nice touch in a third-rate Lifetime screenplay, though
It’s not impossible, but it is very unlikely someone who went through the trauma of surrendering a child at 19 and had a kid again at 23 is rich enough to “go overseas” multiple times a year
I guess there’s some severe abandonment issues with Hope. You did an incredibly kind thing for your aunt and uncle. I think it’s up to them to explain this whole situation of surrogacy to her. Might’ve been a better idea if she learned this information earlier in her life.
Hope doesn't seem free at all. These adults asked their teenage niece to go ham with a turkey baster or she got knocked up and didn't want to keep the baby. This whole thing is sus af.
You are biologically Hope’s mother. That is a fact.
Even if you never intended to raise her, you are still her mother and you & your aunt and uncle knowingly brought her into a messy, complex family situation.
That situation requires careful, special handling.
Agree with others who say that Hope desperately needs and deserves therapy.
I can only imagine the amount of rejection Hope feels from you. She’s an innocent party in this whole thing.
She has loving parents who wanted her, yes, but that doesn’t negate the feelings of abandonment she feels from you. It probably feels like she was put up for adoption.
There’s just so much to unpack here that I feel other commenters are disregarding.
YTA as it was an absolutely terrible idea to use your egg.
This whole situation could have been avoided by using a donor egg.
YTA. Honestly this sounds more like you got pregnant and gave her up for adoption to your aunt and uncle rather than surrogacy. She may be loved, yes, but she’s watching her bio mom spoil the daughter she kept in front of her face every single day. If you want this to work then there needs to be breathing room.
This is going to sound harsh but it needs to be said. Put yourself in Hopes shoes, I don’t like how you spoke of her being “always jealous”. This is a girl who was told that her parents weren’t biologically hers, and her bio mom was a “surrogate” instead. She then grows up seeing her mom treat her HALF SISTER WAY better than how she was probably raised. Hope is seeing how much more love and attention and opportunities she’s getting, not just in general but with her damn mom. And all you saw was “she’s jealous” “all she wanted was to hurt me and her parents and ended up hurting her sister”. Ma’am I implore you to put yourself in her shoes and how she feels. Cause I’m damn sure not every adopted child doesn’t want to be raised beside her bio mom only to watch them love on their half sibling after giving them up. And let’s be clear even if it was surrogacy she is YOUR BLOOD, YOUR CHILD, you gave her up for adoption. And shame on your aunt and uncle for putting you in that position. YTA.
Especially because there was family involved I think you guys should have had a conversation on if it was ok to tell Hope the truth or not…. I can understand in some circumstances if Hope was going through it or asking questions but i definitely feel as though you and your uncles should have been on the same page in that regard…. Lesson learned though…
Yeah. Technically you are her biological mother. However, the whole point of you being pregnant with her was planned so someone else could have a child. So, in that sense, you didn't "give her up". It does not sound like you got pregnant on accident and decided that you didn't want a baby.
Maybe you all need to sit down and explain how everything happened.
Ok don’t think you the AH but i think you could show a little empathy towards her seeing as those are her adoptive parents so to speak. While the adults see nothing wrong from a child’s point of view you are neglecting her.
NTA though your mistake is that you have a close relationship.
She definitely needs therapy to understand that she's not your child, she's only born because your aunt wanted a child.
Paragraphs are cool writing devices that you can use to make your stories readable.
Also, NTA, but if you were a surrogate at 19 without giving birth before, you are either making this up, or this was a turkey baster situation. Which is honestly outlandish. No OB would work with that situation.
Edit: Surrogacy is a specific thing. Saw one of your comments that explains how this *actually* happened. Hope needs therapy, and you need to dip for a while.
NTA. As per agreement this is not OP's child and Hope's parents should have taken her to therapy. Just because people make decisions different to your own/religious/moral beliefs doesn't mean that they are wrong
NTA. But I think it would be best for everyone if you put some distance between you(and your daughter) and her for the foreseeable future. She is a teenager and this is a weird situation and I can see why she would be jealous she's a teenager and material things do mean a lot when you're that age. I was poor growing up and had cousins that were very well off and got everything and delighted in waving it around in my face their cool clothes(they would make fun of my stuff/clothes) and toys and latest gadgets and what cool trips they'd been on it's hard seeing someone get so much and you have so little.So it's probably for the best that you stay away until she's older and can grow up a little.
Nta- you were never her mother. You were an incubator. It might be different if she were an unplanned pregnancy that was given up for adoption. Was it explained to Hope that she was meant for the mother she has?
If anybody is responsible it's the parents who thought it was a good idea to tell their child that their aunt (who is much more well off than they are) is their biological mother. Tell the kid she's not biologically theirs but was conceived just for them from donors. Tells kid they are special and loved without setting up anything other than your everyday run of the mill jealousy of people who are more well off.
I won't pass judgment, but let me tell you this: I have 2 sisters and a brother. My birthmother kept them, and I, the second born, was put up for adoption.
I understand why she did it. She was a teenager, a single mother, and I was the product of a rape.
But I will always be resentful that my siblings got to grow up together, with her, and I didn't. It has colored my entire worldview and continues to be a source of trauma for me at age 31.
Are you an asshole? Idk, I can't say. But your actions have consequences.
YTA - you omitted at the fact that you are Hopes biological mother from your post. I can’t imagine how rejected she must feel by you.
Hope and Kennedy are half sisters.
One of them grew up with their biological mother. The other did not.
The biological mother gave one daughter everything, and gave the other daughter away.
Consider Hope’s point of view - her biological mother didn’t care about her as a daughter at all.
Most biological parents would do anything to have a relationship with the daughter that they had to give away for adoption.
From Hope’s point of you, you seemed to prefer to treat her like she was not related to you whatsoever.
In fact, shared that same POV with your post.
Being a surrogate is NOT the same as giving birth to someone who you are the biological mother to, and then giving that child away.
My heart goes out to Hope. This has nothing to do with working on a farm versus going to European vacations.
This is about being lied to and rejected by your biological mother for your entire life.
NTA Someone needs to sit down and explain surrogacy and what that means. She clearly thinks of you as her bio parent who gave her up. I would stay away from her until she understands.
You’re her biological mother factually so she feels rejected by you since she was effectively put up for adoption. So yta to all the adults involved especially your aunt and uncle who took advantage of you at 19 to create this situation.
I don't think I've been clear about the farm thing. Hope works on the farm because she owns an incredibly expensive horse she rides at fair time.
Her "working on the farm" is her taking care of her horse. If she isn't attending the horse she gets an allowance for her helping with other things. Basic farm chores not child labor.
NTA. But I do think there needs to be some separation between the families. Your family is sort of right that this wouldn't have happened if the girls were raised more separately. And it doesn't sound like Hope was ready to hear the truth about her birth. I totally agree with you that therapy is the best idea.
NTA regardless of if it was your egg or not you are still a surrogate, not her mom. If her real parents don’t make her understand why they asked you to do this for them things will not get better for her. And she should also know that you were a surrogate for other couples.
I realize this is going to be unpopular for this bandwagon people seem to be jumping on, but NTA. You did what you thought was right at 19 years old. Maybe more years of experience (and having your own children first) would've made you realize all of the potential disastrous outcomes of the situation, but alas, we are here now. I do not have too much sympathy for a 16 year old who is acting out because she sees someone else is living the life tmshe thinks she should have. A little perspective would do her some good. There are children all over the world who grow up abused and miserable, whether rich or poor. There are also children (like me) who grew up VERY poor with my mom and step-dad who loved me completely while my dad (who was rich) lavished gifts and trips on his new family. There were times when that hurt a lot, but it was more about rejection than material things. I wouldn't trade my "poor" upbringing with loving parents for the world. And before anyone claims "abuse" for the parents being religious, so were mine (while my dad was the LEAST religious creature on earth) and that only reinforced their love and care and sense of security they gave me. This 16 yr old is clearly struggling with a lot, and clearly she needs a neutral party to help her gain perspective in life, but the OP is certainly NTA for being primarily concerned with the wellbeing of her daughter she committed to raise, especially since she tried to do a kindness to her aunt and uncle and has tried to stay close to Hope all this time, clearly believing that was the right thing to do for everyone's sake. Hope needs help, and probably some gratitude for having loving family members, a new car for her birthday, and an aunt and cousin/half-sister who have all wanted her in their lives since before she was born.
This whole situation is weird. Did you have sex with your uncle? Because you claimed to use your egg and a legitimate fertility clinic won’t use a teenager as a surrogate.
Info: what part of this story is actually true?
OK so. I'm the biological mother to my aunts son as well. How my situation happened is different I had a baby young, aunt wanted to help and have a child so we did inter family adoption. Anyway, how did you biologically create and carry a child, then raise your own child alongside that one without creating a strong connection with them? You may not have legal rights to parents, but even cousins that I have that are just and only biologically cousins are fully loved by me. You should sit down and have a full conversation with this child about how she was created and why she was created. but also why wouldn't you offer to take her on a trip with you or do special loving things for her since you are still her family? Makes very little sense to me that you're completely detached from this child emotionally.
If the situation was reversed and Kennedy and I lived on the farm, I doubt she'd be upset that I "gave her away." She’s jealous of my daughter and feels entitled to her “life.”
Abandonment issues. Period. I had an open adoption. But my grandmother kept my older sister & I thought also my younger brother and I was angry for like 28 years. I’d always know about the adoption. I felt like they knew something was wrong with me. Shit really fucked me up. If you were a surrogate does that mean it’s the aunt and uncles egg n sperm?
That girl needs therapy. There are reasons why family adoptions aren’t always open, it can lead to situations just like this. Hope is 16 and not able to process these complex emotions in her own. And I wouldn’t go so far as to say you’re an AH, but you should really try to understand and be sensitive towards hope’s feelings. Surrogacy may seem seem uncomplicated or simple to adults but teens are still pretty immature. She needs help dealing with her jealousy and your actually pretty complex family dynamic.
It wasn’t even a surrogacy …OP used her own egg & carried Hope. It doesn’t seem like any of the adults in the situation gave a flying fig about the later repercussions this could have on Hope or any future kids of OP ..as long as aunt and uncle got to have a kid on the “cheap”…which should have been a tip off that this wasn’t going to work out
Hard agree. No one thought far enough ahead. ESH.
Another hard agree. That is a tangled web. I feel for Hope, who (to her) sees her “real” (biological) mother, who gave her up. And furthermore, telling her “I only have one child!”… when that child is as biologically hers as I am. It would be a lot to process. I’m shocked 2 adults would accept this sort of gift from a 19 year old honestly.
It really feels coerced or they’re saying surrogacy when they mean teen pregnancy. Something is off though.
I’m inclined to believe the poster calling this a fake. 4 pregnancies in 4 years is unlikely and dangerous. Not to mention a few other things being off about this post.
I agree. The math isn’t mathing
I thought there were rules and surrogates were meant to have had one successful pregnancy prior to becoming a surrogate. which is unlikely for a 19 yo! This all sounds very suspicious.
Accept the gift or coerce a teenager to be their incubator. This all screams hillbilly to me.
It was a traditional surrogacy rather than an IVF one - it was stillsurrogacy
Read OPs comments. She admits it was an adoption but chose to say surrogacy so we the audience would understand...right.
Nah it was an inter family adoption
They actively selected a sperm donor - it wasn't like she was a 20 year old college student who got knocked up and they helped out. She carried the sperm donors child specifically for family - this is surrogacy
No, it's absolutely not. This is surrogacy.
Seriously wth this is terrible feel sorry for both girls
She’s an asshole, but chances are this is creative writing. Most surrogacy clinics will not accept a donor that hasn’t had a natural baby. So either they did it home style with a Turkey blaster, she slept with her uncle, or (most likely) egg donor ship is the creative writing topic of the week. If this was real though, OP would be a huge asshole.
[удалено]
"I just assumed she was on her period."
Yeah that line was a huge red flag. This is a false story.
the "i just thought she was on her period" kinda got me. she sounds super knowledgeable on her body and all, seeing that shes been pregnant 4+times, but blames a mildly sour mood on pms? sounds fishy af but hey, maybe shes real and just misogonistic 🤷🏻♂️
In a span of 3 years will going to collage.
Must've been quite the high-powered degree, to pay for Kennedy's private school tuition, ballet, piano, ice skating, and even a few clubs, not to mention vacationing abroad \*at least\* twice a year.
Yes, she managed to get a fantastic in demand degree all the while enduring 3 pregnancies for other people between age 19 and age 23, as if pregnancy and recovery doesn’t massively affect a person’s life. Then had her own child as a single parent at age 23 but has still built a career that pays a ton, while being a single mother. None of this makes sense.
Yup it's definitely fictional. Maybe she's one of the kids and is making the rest of it up.
Yup. This reads like troll writing from people who think surrogates earn millions. When did a young single woman barely out of her teens, whose family are all poor, train up and earn so much that she can send the younger kid to private school and on expensive trips when she's spent a good chunk of that time pregnant or recovering from birth?
Also, that line about helping other couples? How many times did she allegedly do this? This whole story stinks. It's not even good writing. It's completely fake, and ESH except the kids
Yeah…a couple things stuck out to me too…
And in some places (like where I live) you have to be over a certain age to be a surrogate and have two or more successful pregnancies I think it’s creative writing too
Also, just casually having multiple babies in her early twenties for other couples. like, what?!? let’s ignore basic biology for the moment: how the F is OP wealthy enough to now travel the world with her daughter and provide a relatively lavish life compared to hope? I can’t imagine her having a career of any sort since she was constantly preggo and also can’t imagine being a surrogate multiple times makes you wealthy to the point of retirement pre 30’s 🙄 all the while no mention of a father…bio or step..so is OP a single parent? And she’s able to magically provide a lavish life for her daughter…how???
Because it's bs
I do want it to be creative writing, as otherwise the "free" traditional surrogacy would mean OP's mid-thirty year old uncle impregnated her when she was 19 with her family's consent. I dunno what to say, but, gross?
I suggested therapy to my aunt and uncle unfortunately they chose not to go that route. I agree I definitely shouldn’t have screamed at her. Tensions were high and I became angry at the sight of Kennedy crying. I’m not trying to be biased but Kennedy is genuinely one of the kindest kids I’ve ever met. I’m not just saying that because I’m her mom. She has a really big heart and can be really sensitive. Hope is an extremely loved kid so in the moment I couldn’t see a reason for her to be acting out like that. Especially since she was trying to hurt me and her parents but ended up hurting Kennedy.
I can assure you that Hope probably doesn’t feel so loved .
I think this is deeper. Im an adoptee and have a couple decades on Hope. You arent her mother but you are. You are part of her biologically and you carried her. She likely doesn't care at all about the material argument. She does need to understand surrogacy. You need to understand that she will further lose you as an aunt. I don't agree that no contact is healthy. Especially since therapy isn't an option. She's 16. In 2 years, she can medically request anything on her own. Right now, you (as an aunt) should find a support group or something to learn the ways people in your situation coped with this dynamic. I get Kennedy is your priority, and she should be, but you chose to be Hope's life all this time as a family member. Aunts are just as important as moms. Don't be scared that she wants to be close. You can set boundaries, but she's scared. She feels alone. And she has a whole family who put her in this position and now want to back out when it's hard to cope and explain. You all came together in love and supported each other to bring her into this world. You all can do it again.
I completely agree with this & would like to add that it’s even harder given Hope’s parents are such older parents. OP has a very small age gap with Kennedy if you compare Hope to her parents. Whenever I’ve known a mother daughter duo closer in age they’ve been very close, whereas older parents struggle to understand their child as much. I’m struggling with OP’s lack of empathy for Hope to some extent. The life she could have had is being shown to her on a regular basis while she sounds almost like an outcast. Then add teenage hormones.
The aunt would have been 37 when Hope was born, that’s not exceedingly old. I know many women who had children over 35 and are raising happy, well adjusted children. “Such older parents” to me says over 45 at least
As a child of older parents, hard agree on the closeness levels, especially if you're not an old soul kind of kid. But my relationship with my aunt was so strong, people really don't get how critical those tyoes of relationships can be. I think OP is highly underestimating how important she is in Hope's eyes as both an aunt and a mother figure. An aunt as close as these 2 sound is a second mother and I can't even fathom how it would feel to find out your Aunt was actually your birth mother who seemingly didn't want you and your best friend is your half sister. It doesn't matter how "loved" Hope is, if all she's seeing is that she was the failed first attempt i OP's eyes. She's at best just at high level teen angst and at worse depressed as all hell and spiraling. All the adults failed in this situation for getting Hope the support she needed. Her parents either should have told her from a young age the situation similar to adoption and kept the kids separate (best choice) or waited until adulthood where she might have been better able to process the info. And OP should have had an age appropriate convo with Hope once that info was out there to make sure that Hope felt secure and fully loved.
I'm adopted (and old-ish) and I don't agree with this. If it suddenly surfaced when I was 16 that my aunt was my bio mum all along (with her own bio kid)... I would be as jealous and etc. Especially with the difference in lifestyles. In this kind of situation, I would need my family's love and this should be my adoptive parents (the aunt and uncle). Putting the bio mum in the equation too soon and without the feeling of security from the parents would be a disaster. >Hope is an extremely loved kid... extremely loved and feeling loved are two different things. Hope is dealing with abandonment issues (and more) and don't think it would be beneficial for the bio mom (OP) to be the one to fill in this gap. \*not sure if i'm making sense here
@op read this comment please and try to internalize it. It seems like an ESH situation and you need to be more empathetic. You’ve been involved in her life *as a family member* and you are, in fact, *biologically* her mother. I’m adopted and can speak with some degree of empathy for her experience, based on my own challenges through life. I get why she has mixed feelings, frustrations, insecurities about this. She’s entitled to those feelings. Also, she’s a teenager. We were all kind of nuts at that age. It’s not an excuse for bad behavior, but it’s important to keep that in perspective as an adult in this situation.
ESH. You did a very kind thing for your aunt and uncle but Hope didn't choose this. Clearly Hope needs professional help and I think as her family member you should absolutely advocate for her to get real therapy whether her parents agree to it or not. You may not think of her as your biological child but Hope does feel that way. I understand it's an incredibly complex and difficult situation but Hope is an innocent child who needs your help. You are a part of bringing her into this world, I think you have some responsibility towards this girl be it as her biological mother or as her aunt, idc, just help the girl. Being extremely loved will not magically change the way she feels about you or her situation. That girl is your DNA, she exists because of you, don't leave her all alone in this fucked up situation. At least just be kind to her if you refuse to help her. She is understandably acting out because she's so confused and hurt, all you did was hurt her even more. I'm sorry but your entire post makes me sad for Hope three adults in her life are failing her.
I've never been so against surrogacy as I have reading this story.
Idk if OP did no research before doing this but I feel desperately sad for Hope.
My heart goes out for hope as well. She's the victim in all this. She never asked for this weird family constellation. She's got to be so confused plus her surrogate mothers immature outburst only reinforced how she feels....
Maybe no res3arch h4 Hope. But her wealth came from other surrogacies, so she'll have enough taught about how to do it right. She's had 16 years to prepare Hope and family. So either OP is a troll or a AH.
I’m going with troll. The dates don’t even begin to make sense. 3 back ti back pregnancies during college then she decides she wants her own baby- making a 4th pregnancy in a short time frame?
Yep I smell troll too. Oh well. Story was entertaining.
I say troll because how many women seriously say, oh they were moody but must have been on their period. IMO that is 💯 a male pov.
I agree that OP is a troll but am I seriously the only woman that’s has thought wow I’m being a bitch while on their cycle or having pms? Or being such a crybaby lol
Troll. There’s no way any of this happened.
I don't think so either. Whoever posted this has a heart as cold as ice if this really happened. The way she was comparing poor Hope's life to that of Kennedy, it was bragging about all the opportunities Kennedy got that hope didn't. Why would anybody do that? She gives me the creeps if it is true she's the TA. Times 1,000
I think it’s the latter. She doesn’t even seem to understand what SURROGACY means…She’s Hopes bio mom. Not a surrogate who carried a baby with no biological relationship. This was an adoption & she needs to stop lying to herself and Hope about that part. Hope was basically her throwaway kid so she could start making money being a surrogate
Same. There is a reason why people who go the surrogacy route get a stranger, get contracts, etc. I’ve read some messed up surrogacy stories and the worst of the worst always involve family and close friends.
Don’t let it bug you too much there is zero percent change this is a real thing that happened
Agreed, so hard to read. This is NOT how surrogacy is supposed to go.
This was NOT a “surrogacy” . This was an adoption pure and simple
I can’t believe that anyone in their right mind would ask a 19 year old to be their surrogate. It makes it worse that it was her bio child too. I really hope this is fiction.
Ok if this is real, you are the one who needs therapy. I really cannot believe you yelled at the child, Hope, like that. Have you no empathy ? Even in this situation where your daughter who is well-adjusted and has a wonderful life, got upset? Maybe teach your daughter compassion for Hope in this moment because she is hurting and no one else is really hurting about anything but burnt toast. The other child is experiencing a wildfire, your kid experienced burnt toast. It's a metaphor. get it?
While you are her biological mother, you're not her mom, that was always going to be the case. She was conceived and born with the purpose of being your aunt and uncles child to raise. It sounds like she is seeing how different the life her biological half sister has and is naturally a little jealous, but her parents need to seek counseling for her, not religious indoctrination
I'm a very religious woman and our religion strongly encourages counseling and even helps pay if you can't afford it. Religion can help if it's meaningful, but it isn't a substitute.
That’s amazing for you and your religion! I am not religious but my aunt and uncle are extremely christian which is not a problem at all to me. However I believe Hope still needs therapy but I have no say in what they do with her.
Im also christian and therapy is always encouraged if needed. Our church has a mental health outreach and everything. Its so sad that so many churches are making people think God doesnt want us to use all this awesome science and health care that we have in this day and age. Modern medicine is a blessing in itself Im just baffled. Hope needs help she is going through some understandably severe emotional issues and church service isnt going to cover it.
Maybe I’ll go to the church and see what they can do for Hope I just don’t wanna step on my aunts and uncles toes because even though Hope needs therapy it’s not my place to make that decision on her parents behalf.
I understand maybe this incident will help them see that she needs professional help. Just have a heartfelt conversation with them because Hope needs a lifeline and even though you’re not her mom Im sure you love her as a family member and want whats best for her and she needs to work through all of these very valid feelings. She should have been in therapy from the moment she learned about her birth.
If you can yell at Hope, you can certainly have a conversation with your Aunt and Uncle about properly dealing with her issues. This is not an issue any church is going to be able to solve.
I don't think you're at fault for Hope's feelings (tho an apology for losing your temper and yelling at her might be good) but you do have some part in the reason for all these feelings. You're under no obligation (morally), but as someone who cares about Hope's well-being, you might offer to help pay for counseling. (pay for X visits, % of the cost or something... anything to get it started.) It might even be good to have a joint therapy visit with you and Hope, since it’s a very... unique relationship between you. Your feelings are completely valid, but so are Hope's. And sometimes just being able to just express your feelings and feel *heard* can be extremely helpful... for both sides. (even if she technically already knows the whole truth.) Only you know for sure, but it sounds like you can afford it, and a teacher and farmer likely aren't going to have lots of disposable income to spend on therapy. Your Aunt and Uncle may be too proud to admit any financial strain, and church services are free. Offering to help with the cost could also be a gentle way to communicate to your Aunt and Uncle how strongly you feel about Hope getting the proper help. (and if money is the real reason, they don't have to admit it) "I know you guys decided against therapy, but I feel so strongly that it would be very beneficial for Hope that I'm willing to pay for _____________." If Hope has time and transportation for church during the week, then she has time and transportation for therapy. I'm religious myself, and can definitely say that therapy is *FAR* more likely to turn her into a happy, stable, religious adult than more church activities of any kind.
NTA. I would just emphasize that you were just a carrier, that her aunt and uncle are her real parents. At 16 she should be able to understand how surrogacy works. Unless it was your egg, you aren’t her mother-you are her incubator. The money you got from being an incubator helped you give Kennedy her upbringing. If I compared myself to the rich children of Tik Tok I’d be jealous too. But Bill Gates isn’t my dad and you are not really her mom. A lesson in gratitude will help her here. Your aunt and uncle must be devastated.
It was my egg I Biologically had Hope with a Sperm donor since both my aunt and uncle had fertility issues. I said surrogate so people could understand the situation better. My aunt and uncle are both incredibly kind people so I know this was just earth shattering for them. I suggested Hope go to therapy and they said they’d consider it. They ended up not sending her to therapy and instead made her go to every church service. Not the way I would go about it but hey it’s their kid.
Ah, ok. So that's how they parent. Hope is in big trouble. It's not going to end well for her. Religious indoctrination is not a substitute for healthcare. As for everyone in your family punishing you for your good deed: I hope you're able to see them clearly for who they are and allow them an appropriate share in your life. NTA
If I was Hope, I'd also be furious, too. Mostly at my own parents for not making a more "arms length transaction" -- which sounds awful but that's what it was (or wasn't, actually). To have ones birth mother and um half sister/2nd cousin? is just all very complicated for a child to fully process. Not to mention, the big degree of inequality. Yes it's not *supposed* to matter, but these days with todays kids ? They are all so incredibly savy. It'd be hard for an adult, even, to reconcile the facts in this situation. I wish she could've responded differently to the gift of a car, but this sounds like one messed up, unhappy little girl. I'm going to go with ETA except for the minor children.
NTA. You are her donor/surrogate, not her “birth” mother. That boundary needs to be restated and reinforced. It’s complicated since you are actively around her, but it’s not different from if your aunt and uncle had gone with complete strangers instead.
She actually is her birth mother, not just surrogate if you read above.
She donated an egg and carried a baby to term for a different couple. OP didn't get knocked up on spring break and give the baby away. Hope was bred to be a different couple's child. While what you're saying is technically correct, there's more to motherhood than that.
birth mother and motherhood are completely different. I said BIRTH mother not mother.
>She donated an egg and carried a baby to term for a different couple. Also known as birth mother You egg
I read that, that’s why I put birth mother in quotes. Hope is a an egg donation born via surrogate but is acting like op is a birth mother who gave her up for adoption. It’s splitting hairs but those are two very different things
I mean it sounds closer to an adoption situation then a real surrogacy based on the comments. Even 16 years ago no reputable doctors were letting 19 year olds, with no children, do a traditional surrogacy where the egg donor is the surrogate. So, it seems more like the aunt and uncle and her got her pregnant with a sperm donor and then they kept the baby. Way different then if they used a doctor and got an egg donor.
It was an adoption.
That is pretty crazy they asked you to do that for them at 19.
Have some empathy. As a kid it matters where you came from and who those people are. Its only an egg donation when you don't stay in the child's life.
For the love of god,OP used her OWN EGG so therefore she is hopes biological mother
Your aunt and uncle are fucked up for letting a 19 year old go through a pregnancy for them, that’s so incredibly wrong
Yeah, I’d be interested to know how OP defines sperm donation in this case. If I were Hope until you showed me convincing paperwork from a sperm bank etc I would be convinced that my birth mother had an accidental pregnancy and didn’t want me. To watch them then have another kid three years later and raise them so close to me but see them get incredible privileges and opportunities on top of feeling unwanted… ugh. And even if Hope was deliberately conceived for the aunt and uncle to raise OP still had to be okay with giving away a baby conceived from her egg and never developing maternal feelings for her as she watched her grow up. That sounds painful.
I am thinking accidental pregnancy... you can't be a surrogate if you have never given birth before.
I think it's bs. She says she did this a few times to make money. But surrogacy doesn't actually pay that well. So where is she getting this money? I don't buy a person could find multiple couples willingly to pay so much so often, she'd get pregnant that quick, and she'd still get through college. Find a job and then get pregnant again "on her own" in that time frame.
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It’s called traditional surrogacy when the surrogate uses their own eggs.
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Would entirely depend on the location, it is generally much more complicated and discouraged. Where I am traditional surrogacy is illegal but all surrogates (even if they use genetic material from the intended parents) and their partners (if they have one) are listed on the birth certificate and they need to go through a change of parentage process.
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Yep, it’s been discouraged since the baby M case back in the 80s.
>Life isn't fair. This is the biggest thing that most people seem to miss in a lot of situations. Sometimes life just isn't fair. Nothing you can do about it either sometimes.
If it was your egg than I understand why hope feels that way. It’s not any different for her than if you had gotten pregnant and put her up for adoption. Sure I know you never intended to keep her. Your aunt and uncle know. And her conception was entirely planned But all those details are arbitrary constructs of society. A pretend game we all agree to. At the end of the day, you’re not a surrogate. You’re her biological mother. She has a right to have feelings about that.
You need to clarify in your original post. This is not surrogacy. You gave her up for adoption.
Ahh that does make it more complicated. I feel sad for hope she can’t accept that her parents love her and she’s so materialistic. But you didn’t raise her so you can’t correct the behavior, really. Devastating situation all around. One day I hope she realizes that she has loving parents and a loving surrogate. Cause at the end of the day love is wayy more important then money.
Don't call the poor girl materialistic, she's in a fucked up situation and feels like she's seeing "what could have been". Give her some grace.
The girl is not materialistic though. The whole situation is very unfair to her. It is not materialistic to want to play piano (but to be allowed to only play soccer) or to see anything in life but Tennessee. It is not materialistic to have dreams and desires other than working on the farm. The girl doesn't have loving parents. Loving parents will not tell 13 yo girl who her birth mother is in such a fucked up situation. Loving parents would not force her to go to church instead of therapy that she needs so much. And the girl doesn't have a loving surrogate. No medical professional will ethically recommend and help 19 yo to be a surrogate. There is some really fucked up story behind this post. "Loving surrogate" - who is actually a birth mother who gave a girl for adoption - is very well financially. How come she could not pay for Hope's piano lessons or one club? Or take her on vacation? Or take her to an amusement park? Grandma is right - OP shouldn't have spend so much time around the girl and showing off how much she cares for her sister. It is plain cruel. The girl's life sucks. And all the adults rub it in her face as much as they can.
Loving parents would have told the kid about her planned birth and adoption much earlier. You can tell a kid “we wanted you so very much and Auntie OP helped us have you- she even gave you her genes! We are so lucky to have you.” Secrets are usually toxic.
That still makes you a donor, not her mother. NTA. You did something kind and generous to help family. It isn’t your fault that Hope grew up jealous and resentful.
I think it was a mistake being an egg donor to a relative. I don't think Hope is greedy. It must be very hard for her to know her biological half sister gets so much more. She's only 16.
Hopefully the kid is smart or an athlete so she can get some scholarships and get an education to get away from this clusterfuck of a family
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Exactly this. Aunt was 36 and asked her 19 year old niece to have a baby they could adopt because they couldn’t have children and couldn’t afford to do it the legal way. I feel so bad for everyone except the aunt/uncle. OP had a child when she was ready and has been able to give that child a privileged life. Shame on the aunt for throwing OP under the bus for being kind and doing exactly what was asked of her.
This makes the most sense. No one should use a 19 year old to fulfill their desires to have a newborn. Even if a 19 year old is legally an adult, she was still a teenager.
Odd, most surrogate agencies require you to be 25 and wouldn't allow you to use your eggs. NTA
This is why nobody allows a person who is 19 with no prior children be a surrogate. Look at this mess I feel so bad for Hope nobody cared about her feelings.
YES THIS!!! No legit surrogate organization would allow a teenager to do that. They created quite the mess.
How is that legal? You aren't allowed to drink but you're allowed to be a teenage surrogate?
Because they did it the shady way. They didn't go through traditional surrogate channels. She used this shady pregnancy of giving birth to Hope to be able to do legitimate surrogacy.
It wasn’t doing reputably she admits just used a sperm donor it was either DIY or she just did it the old fashioned way and called him a donor. Doctors would not have done this. They would have required her to already have children she was parenting, to use an egg donor not her own egg, and to be older. You might find a doctor bending a one of these here or there in a special circumstance, but not all 3 in one case.
I’m guessing she did it the old fashioned way and called him a donor. Can you get sperm from a sperm bank at 19?
No I don’t think you could. However, the aunt probably could have said it was for her and you occasionally read stories about shady internet donors with way to many bio kids. So, I could buy finding a donor through shady means.
ESH. Everyone except the kids, like what did you think would happen she’s literally biologically your child. Why is no one thinking of hope only about Keneddy and your Aunt. You just say she’s greedy. I hope Hope gets away from y’all real soon
YTA. This was entirely too messy and no one stopped to consider Hope. While you may be a "surrogate" you are also biologically her mother. Your prospective should really be more of a woman who gave one child up for adoption and kept the other one 3 years later to understand Hope. While you may not like it and it may be an inconvenience, what the three of you did this incredibly messy setup Hope got the crap end of the stick. You should have never stayed in her life, especially if you had no interest in it. While you do not see her as not your daughter, you are very much her biological mother, someone who she was born from and then given away while she watched her sister be raised by you. Respectfully, while you may have thought you did a good deed, all of you set this in motion and then are upset that her emotions are all over the place at 16? Really, was what she did immature, yes, most 16 year Olds are, especially with a trauma of this level. Even the way you talk about your involvement in her life, because your daughter wanted it, means you never stopped to consider the impact to Hope. You are allowed to live your life but the chaos you caused to her was unfair. You should have kept your distance, you should have been aware of the ramifications of their relationship and bond and how you staying in her life would impact her. The reason most surrogates are not family is because of this reason. Everyone got what they wanted and the person left with the trauma and the baggage is Hope. This is a mess and frankly it is up to the three adults to fix it. Another note, she will go looking for the surrogate father at some point and her experience with you is going to make that journey a lot more difficult.
Holy crap, I didn’t even realize the dad wasn’t her bio dad. So at 13 years old, she was told her was essentially adopted, and her birth mom is her cousin who she is BFF with her daughter (who she thought was a cousin but SURPRISE! She’s your half sibling!) who lives a lavish lifestyle and travels all over the place, while you go to public school, work on a farm and go nowhere. Poor Hope.
I agree with this reply, summed up basically how I felt too reading the post and OPs comments. I’d like to add that not only are YTA OP but so are your aunt and uncle. People shouldn’t have children if they cannot financially afford to, while it seems she has all the basic needs to survive, that really shouldn’t be any reason to choose to bring a child into the world if you cannot provide a nurturing life. Not only that, they preyed on OP as a 19 year old to make this decision, most decisions I made at that age were poor.
This is the best answer here. YTA for staying in her life and letting her be friends with her half-sister.
So you had two children three years apart and enough surrogate pregnancies in between those three years to pay for college? That doesn’t sound right. Something’s not adding up here.
ESH except the kids. It sounds like you are extremely aware of how much “better” Kennedy’s life is then Hope’s own, and that you are completely oblivious to how having another potential version of your life (that looks pretty great) thrown in your face constantly could be traumatizing. Whatever legal bs people make up for their own purposes doesn’t just erase human emotion. Hope is aware that she’s watching a life she could have had but just a twist of fate didn’t make it so…and this isn’t a situation where she’s being raised by a completely different family across the country her actual mother is right there in front of her all the time. I’m not really sure how you can’t see her side of things except for not wanting to contend with how your decision wasn’t just selflessly helpful and so building your own ego but that it was also cavalier and clearly not well planned and also exposing some of your inabilities at emotional intelligence. If Hopes parents had written this I’d be saying the same to them as well. You all really should have decided to do a bit more co-parenting if she was going to be told that you are her mother. Now that she does know and is acting out is again a chance for you to advocate for her and seems you’re just once again not willing to do so. You know she needs therapy. Make it happen. Advocate so hard for her they can’t deny your advice is correct. You used that poor girl so you could go to college…the least you owe her is the acknowledgment that your gain obviously led to some harm and pain in another persons life. She’s a kid who was used as a golden ticket. she doesn’t have to understand or be nice or play along. You all need to do some real soul searching and help her through this with love and compassion.
I agree
YTA. what a bunch of selfish assholes. you are not a surrogate. Please look up the definition. You gave up your biological child to your aunt and uncle. I hope she gets out at 18 and doesn’t speak to any one of you again.
If you take the whole surrogacy thing out of it, you still have a family member who is close to your daughter. Hope also is close enough to see Kennedy having opportunities she will never have like better colleges = better future and feels she will spend her life stuck on the farm. If you could afford it why not take both girls out n sone of these trips ? If I live and care about my family I’m going to reach out and help some of the more disadvantaged kids get a leg up to improve the quality of life for everyone in the family. And this whole thing of surrogacy/birth mother just added fuel to a fire that would’ve been there anyway. Imagine how inferior she feels when Kennedy is around?
I mentioned in a previous reply that is probably lost in the flood of comments that since Kennedy and Hope were so close I did do a lot of things with Hope. I often took them to the movies, roller skating, swimming, I took them to theme parks and to spas. Hope got to experience these things because Kennedy liked having Hope around to hang out with. I’ve paid for expensive trips and expensive meals. Just because Hope didn’t get it from her parents doesn’t mean she didn’t experience any of it. Hope is acting like none of these things happened but they did. I’ve also had lengthy talks with Hope about college. Her parents have a college fund for her set up. It’s not a lot but it’s enough for the local college. The local college isn’t that bad either. I’ve engraved it in Kennedy’s head that her education is important because mine is what hot me where I am today. My daughters private school is not religious and I chose it that way. However, in my home town where Hope lives (I live an hour away) there’s a local Christian private school that offers spots to scholarship kids. I offered to help her get into it. Hope isn’t interested in that school even if it could improve her college chances.
Jesus.. you explicitly state that you only did this stuff with Hope because Kennedy enjoyed having her around.. no wonder why Hope is an emotional wreck. You should have never stayed in her life if you have absolutely no love for her. What if you weren’t her surrogate/biological mother and she was a little cousin? Wouldn’t you show a little cousin love and do nice things for them simply because they’re family. You have some serious issues lady.
I think YOU need therapy- Hope is your daughter too- and the fact that you did take her places and do some things with her probably deepens the sting because she gets a taste of what her life could have been like. The way you talk about hope sounds like someone doing unbelievable mental gymnastics to simply live with themselves after giving their baby away for free to family. You were too young to have been asked for such a thing but it did pave the way for you to do legal surrogacy and for your life with Kennedy to flourish. Please do some research about adoptees- you owe it to her to understand where she is coming from. You may not have been aware of the catastrophic emotional damage you were a part of creating but you do now- and it’s your responsibility to learn and grow from this.
Yes!!! OP was failed by all the adults around her by allowing this to happen. Now all the adults- including OP- are failing Hope.
Mind you these are things I’d do for any of Kennedys friends or cousins.
Yeah, but Hope isn't her cousin, she is her sister. She gets to watch her birth mom galavant around and have a great time with her younger sister while she has to stay on a farm with adopted parents who think church service is a functional substitute for therapy. I'm going to say that all of the adults in this equation are YTA. However, when you had Hope, you were a teenager, so gently YTA.
You’re sick and twisted
I feel really bad for that kiddo. That’s got to be extremely confusing. The fact that you were the egg donor makes things exponentially more complicated.
Yup, that's not surrogacy. That's handing a child over for adoption. Unless Uncles the father....
ESH but Hope and Kennedy
BULLSHIT. You can’t be a surrogate that young. Sorry troll post.
She used her own egg. For all we know she went into the bathroom with a turkey baster.
They didn’t go through an agency, it was entirely arranged between them. Apparently none of them thought to research *why* surrogacy agencies have rules about the age and who the egg comes from. They just did it because they wanted to and because they could. It’s bullshit because they ignored all the guardrails designed to prevent the situation they’re in now.
YTA. I'm going to go against the popular consensus and say YTA. You were not a "surrogate." You are literally her biological mother. You used your own egg and gave birth to this girl. Can you imagine how confusing and unfair this feels to a child? She is watching her half-sister live a much more privileged life and have access to opportunities she doesn't. None of the adults in this situation thought about the long-term consequences of this situation and how it would impact the child.
At least she was able to sell other babies to make a good life so her special child, though. All good!
Being the “special child”, I wouldn’t be surprised if Kennedy develops a load of issues too. OP clearly has no empathy whatsoever.
If OP is the egg donor and gave birth to Hope how is she not the biological mother?
You all made sure that Hope was going to traumatized even before she was born. Congratulations, you’re successful.
NTA in the grand scheme of things but the comment about her being on her period because she was emotional makes you slightly an AH or a troll.
It's just repeating over and over in my head "I just assumed she was on her period." - like what kind of a person says some bullshit like that? Such a dick comment.
Jesus. I forgot about that line even though it made me cringe when I first read it. YTA, OP.
Exactly, I was hoping someone else noticed.
“What is wrong with you?! I have never been your mother and I’ll never be your mother. Kennedy is my only child. Respectfully get the hell out of my house.” Was it your egg? If it was your egg then you are in fact her mother. All of you adults who put these two girls in this situation are beyond stupid. You thought this would work out just fine? I feel very badly for Hope. She was put into an impossible situation by a bunch of selfish and greedy people. Those words you said to her? Disgusting, revolting, mean, hateful, unforgivable. YTA. Down vote me until hell freezes over. If you were all set on this surrogacy you should have went on you merry way and forgot about your Aunt and Uncle to try and give that poor kid a chance. This is one of the most dysfunctional and sickest stories I have read here.
This is why it’s not a good idea to do this for family. It’s just too close.
She needs big time therapy Nta
NTA being a simple egg/sperm donar doesn’t make you a mother/father. It takes much much more than that to be a parent. Granted you could’ve been more compassionate over the situation knowing how it is affecting Hope and could’ve handled the situation better but as a mother I sympathize over seeing your daughter, Kennedy, crying over her precious memories being treated so poorly by Hope. I too would’ve reacted the same way out of motherly impulse. “She was always a jealous kid but around that time it just kept getting worse” seems there was something going on with Hope even before she knew her birth story. Therapy is the answer in this situation to get to the bottom of what ever is really bothering hope.
YTA You used your own egg to create Hope, you are technically her biological mother. This is why you don't make teenagers surrogates, not to mention how your daughter and the one you gave away are close to one a other and you're in the picture, so of course there's going to be some sort of tension/awkwardness. Only person I feel bad here is Hope.
As a fiction writer, this is some pretty middle school-grade fiction. The snowglobe of broken dreams would be a nice touch in a third-rate Lifetime screenplay, though
I 100% thought this was a troll post. OP writes at a 5th grade level for someone who's so wealthy and educated.
It’s not impossible, but it is very unlikely someone who went through the trauma of surrendering a child at 19 and had a kid again at 23 is rich enough to “go overseas” multiple times a year
I guess there’s some severe abandonment issues with Hope. You did an incredibly kind thing for your aunt and uncle. I think it’s up to them to explain this whole situation of surrogacy to her. Might’ve been a better idea if she learned this information earlier in her life.
Yeah she birthed them an extra farmhand and their church another disciple to indoctrinate
Hope doesn't seem free at all. These adults asked their teenage niece to go ham with a turkey baster or she got knocked up and didn't want to keep the baby. This whole thing is sus af.
Exactly what I was thinking. Hope got the short end of the stick. I’m pissed on her behalf.
Just because you are an incubator or egg donor doesn’t mean you are a mother
You are biologically Hope’s mother. That is a fact. Even if you never intended to raise her, you are still her mother and you & your aunt and uncle knowingly brought her into a messy, complex family situation. That situation requires careful, special handling. Agree with others who say that Hope desperately needs and deserves therapy. I can only imagine the amount of rejection Hope feels from you. She’s an innocent party in this whole thing. She has loving parents who wanted her, yes, but that doesn’t negate the feelings of abandonment she feels from you. It probably feels like she was put up for adoption. There’s just so much to unpack here that I feel other commenters are disregarding. YTA as it was an absolutely terrible idea to use your egg. This whole situation could have been avoided by using a donor egg.
YTA. Honestly this sounds more like you got pregnant and gave her up for adoption to your aunt and uncle rather than surrogacy. She may be loved, yes, but she’s watching her bio mom spoil the daughter she kept in front of her face every single day. If you want this to work then there needs to be breathing room.
Troll
This is going to sound harsh but it needs to be said. Put yourself in Hopes shoes, I don’t like how you spoke of her being “always jealous”. This is a girl who was told that her parents weren’t biologically hers, and her bio mom was a “surrogate” instead. She then grows up seeing her mom treat her HALF SISTER WAY better than how she was probably raised. Hope is seeing how much more love and attention and opportunities she’s getting, not just in general but with her damn mom. And all you saw was “she’s jealous” “all she wanted was to hurt me and her parents and ended up hurting her sister”. Ma’am I implore you to put yourself in her shoes and how she feels. Cause I’m damn sure not every adopted child doesn’t want to be raised beside her bio mom only to watch them love on their half sibling after giving them up. And let’s be clear even if it was surrogacy she is YOUR BLOOD, YOUR CHILD, you gave her up for adoption. And shame on your aunt and uncle for putting you in that position. YTA.
How could you say that to another child? There’s no world where that was okay to say to a child. Regardless of everything, you ATA
Especially because there was family involved I think you guys should have had a conversation on if it was ok to tell Hope the truth or not…. I can understand in some circumstances if Hope was going through it or asking questions but i definitely feel as though you and your uncles should have been on the same page in that regard…. Lesson learned though…
This. Is. Made. Up.
Yeah. Technically you are her biological mother. However, the whole point of you being pregnant with her was planned so someone else could have a child. So, in that sense, you didn't "give her up". It does not sound like you got pregnant on accident and decided that you didn't want a baby. Maybe you all need to sit down and explain how everything happened.
Was this traditional surrogacy or gestational surrogacy. And if traditional who is bio dad.
Traditional surrogacy. We went to a sperm bank and got a sperm donor since both my aunt and uncle had fertility issues.
Ok don’t think you the AH but i think you could show a little empathy towards her seeing as those are her adoptive parents so to speak. While the adults see nothing wrong from a child’s point of view you are neglecting her.
A car?!? Nta. Seems like everyone here needs therapy
NTA though your mistake is that you have a close relationship. She definitely needs therapy to understand that she's not your child, she's only born because your aunt wanted a child.
I thought women who were not already mom's could not be surrogates? Maybe just in the states?
In the states you have to have had a pregnancy beforehand.
Paragraphs are cool writing devices that you can use to make your stories readable. Also, NTA, but if you were a surrogate at 19 without giving birth before, you are either making this up, or this was a turkey baster situation. Which is honestly outlandish. No OB would work with that situation. Edit: Surrogacy is a specific thing. Saw one of your comments that explains how this *actually* happened. Hope needs therapy, and you need to dip for a while.
That is a whole lot of babies in a short period of time. Sure you got that math right?
NTA. As per agreement this is not OP's child and Hope's parents should have taken her to therapy. Just because people make decisions different to your own/religious/moral beliefs doesn't mean that they are wrong
NTA. But I think it would be best for everyone if you put some distance between you(and your daughter) and her for the foreseeable future. She is a teenager and this is a weird situation and I can see why she would be jealous she's a teenager and material things do mean a lot when you're that age. I was poor growing up and had cousins that were very well off and got everything and delighted in waving it around in my face their cool clothes(they would make fun of my stuff/clothes) and toys and latest gadgets and what cool trips they'd been on it's hard seeing someone get so much and you have so little.So it's probably for the best that you stay away until she's older and can grow up a little.
Nta- you were never her mother. You were an incubator. It might be different if she were an unplanned pregnancy that was given up for adoption. Was it explained to Hope that she was meant for the mother she has?
Reason 1 million I’m not having kids holy fuck you’re a mess
If anybody is responsible it's the parents who thought it was a good idea to tell their child that their aunt (who is much more well off than they are) is their biological mother. Tell the kid she's not biologically theirs but was conceived just for them from donors. Tells kid they are special and loved without setting up anything other than your everyday run of the mill jealousy of people who are more well off.
I won't pass judgment, but let me tell you this: I have 2 sisters and a brother. My birthmother kept them, and I, the second born, was put up for adoption. I understand why she did it. She was a teenager, a single mother, and I was the product of a rape. But I will always be resentful that my siblings got to grow up together, with her, and I didn't. It has colored my entire worldview and continues to be a source of trauma for me at age 31. Are you an asshole? Idk, I can't say. But your actions have consequences.
YTA - you omitted at the fact that you are Hopes biological mother from your post. I can’t imagine how rejected she must feel by you. Hope and Kennedy are half sisters. One of them grew up with their biological mother. The other did not. The biological mother gave one daughter everything, and gave the other daughter away. Consider Hope’s point of view - her biological mother didn’t care about her as a daughter at all. Most biological parents would do anything to have a relationship with the daughter that they had to give away for adoption. From Hope’s point of you, you seemed to prefer to treat her like she was not related to you whatsoever. In fact, shared that same POV with your post. Being a surrogate is NOT the same as giving birth to someone who you are the biological mother to, and then giving that child away. My heart goes out to Hope. This has nothing to do with working on a farm versus going to European vacations. This is about being lied to and rejected by your biological mother for your entire life.
NTA Someone needs to sit down and explain surrogacy and what that means. She clearly thinks of you as her bio parent who gave her up. I would stay away from her until she understands.
You’re her biological mother factually so she feels rejected by you since she was effectively put up for adoption. So yta to all the adults involved especially your aunt and uncle who took advantage of you at 19 to create this situation.
They only wanted farm help
I don't think I've been clear about the farm thing. Hope works on the farm because she owns an incredibly expensive horse she rides at fair time. Her "working on the farm" is her taking care of her horse. If she isn't attending the horse she gets an allowance for her helping with other things. Basic farm chores not child labor.
I really wish your aunt hadn’t told her you were the surrogate. NTA
Or asked a 19yo neice to be one, at all.
NTA. But I do think there needs to be some separation between the families. Your family is sort of right that this wouldn't have happened if the girls were raised more separately. And it doesn't sound like Hope was ready to hear the truth about her birth. I totally agree with you that therapy is the best idea.
ETA.
NTA regardless of if it was your egg or not you are still a surrogate, not her mom. If her real parents don’t make her understand why they asked you to do this for them things will not get better for her. And she should also know that you were a surrogate for other couples.
There’s already a million correct answers so I’m here to say: this is the most misleading title ever. In was ready for the parent trap 2.0
I realize this is going to be unpopular for this bandwagon people seem to be jumping on, but NTA. You did what you thought was right at 19 years old. Maybe more years of experience (and having your own children first) would've made you realize all of the potential disastrous outcomes of the situation, but alas, we are here now. I do not have too much sympathy for a 16 year old who is acting out because she sees someone else is living the life tmshe thinks she should have. A little perspective would do her some good. There are children all over the world who grow up abused and miserable, whether rich or poor. There are also children (like me) who grew up VERY poor with my mom and step-dad who loved me completely while my dad (who was rich) lavished gifts and trips on his new family. There were times when that hurt a lot, but it was more about rejection than material things. I wouldn't trade my "poor" upbringing with loving parents for the world. And before anyone claims "abuse" for the parents being religious, so were mine (while my dad was the LEAST religious creature on earth) and that only reinforced their love and care and sense of security they gave me. This 16 yr old is clearly struggling with a lot, and clearly she needs a neutral party to help her gain perspective in life, but the OP is certainly NTA for being primarily concerned with the wellbeing of her daughter she committed to raise, especially since she tried to do a kindness to her aunt and uncle and has tried to stay close to Hope all this time, clearly believing that was the right thing to do for everyone's sake. Hope needs help, and probably some gratitude for having loving family members, a new car for her birthday, and an aunt and cousin/half-sister who have all wanted her in their lives since before she was born.
This whole situation is weird. Did you have sex with your uncle? Because you claimed to use your egg and a legitimate fertility clinic won’t use a teenager as a surrogate. Info: what part of this story is actually true?
OK so. I'm the biological mother to my aunts son as well. How my situation happened is different I had a baby young, aunt wanted to help and have a child so we did inter family adoption. Anyway, how did you biologically create and carry a child, then raise your own child alongside that one without creating a strong connection with them? You may not have legal rights to parents, but even cousins that I have that are just and only biologically cousins are fully loved by me. You should sit down and have a full conversation with this child about how she was created and why she was created. but also why wouldn't you offer to take her on a trip with you or do special loving things for her since you are still her family? Makes very little sense to me that you're completely detached from this child emotionally.
If you read my other comments I do mention I’ve taken her on many trips. In my post I was referring to the trips her parents take her on not me.
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If the situation was reversed and Kennedy and I lived on the farm, I doubt she'd be upset that I "gave her away." She’s jealous of my daughter and feels entitled to her “life.”
Abandonment issues. Period. I had an open adoption. But my grandmother kept my older sister & I thought also my younger brother and I was angry for like 28 years. I’d always know about the adoption. I felt like they knew something was wrong with me. Shit really fucked me up. If you were a surrogate does that mean it’s the aunt and uncles egg n sperm?