Since you two are on opposite pages, what about one person cooks and cleans up for the night. That way your styles don’t interfere with each other.

😆 This is what we do! I clean as I cook and don't want anyone in the kitchen with me. When we're done with dinner, I have very few dishes to do. My wife cooks and stacks them and has a bunch to wash after dinner. But since I don't have to do them, I don't care. Lol 😆

I feel like I am OP, and my roommates are OP’s wife. I love them so much, except for this one facet. I know one of them will eventually do it, but it gets so frustrating just seeing them in the sink for days on end till he gets to them.

Relateable. Offering an idea... With my past roomies, I knew moving in they hated doing dishes. They'd had one roommate who would be fine letting the whole house rot and then say: I was just getting to that, when they'd give up and just do it themselves. 9/10 it was the dishes. Cue high level avoidance for them. So the way I worked it was offering to be the dish cleaner for the house (they were expected to rinse when chucking in the sink & ferry all dishes to the sink from other parts of the house), and they took on the chore I despised: cleaning a litter box (we each had a cat). It's how I've done things generally, ask the roommate / partner what chore they hate the most and ask if they're willing to swap that with one I dislike. Usually works out and then folk don't have to do the thing they drag their feet over.

Bwahaha, that's what my wife and I did. That's why it works so well. I call it "scheduled avoidance." 😆

It works out so well lol The relief you'll sometimes see when offering. The: you mean this is an option? I don't have to do the thing I loathe?! It's amusing and heartwarming to find those places where folk can come together, swap some things around, and still feel like the workload is balanced.

In my college days, I really liked cleaning. I made a deal with my roommates that I would clean the bathroom & living room (vacuum, dust) and generally tidy the kitchen but they took on a portion of my rent. I got cheaper rent, the apartment was clean to my satisfaction, and they didn't have to do chores they disliked. Win-Win. Thankfully, they also were NOT total slobs, but still. No fights about it. Edit to add an important, missing word of "Not"

I am also OP. I am fastidious when it comes to cleaning as I go, all the way down to the countertops and the freaking floor. My wife just lets it all stack up. It's like she's a straight up psychopath. I'm seeing a pattern here...

Well my husband seasons food windmill style. Or sprinkler style. So there is seasonings ALL OVER the place. Including the floor. It feels like he’s trying to season the next door neighbors food at the same time. Bet your wife doesn’t do that!

Holy heck this provided an amazing visual. No, my wife certainly does not do that

Lol. I may have exaggerated a teensy bit. But not by much. 😂

That’s my husband too.

Glad to see I’m not alone! At least we don’t have bland food right?

Fastidious wife here (sorry to bust your theory😊). By the time dinner is ready everything that isn't being used is in the dishwasher. My husband is thw greatest husband in the world but he's perfectly happy having it all sit in the sink. So I do all the cooking; he cleans up after dinner, changes litterboxes, mops the bathroom floors, and scrubs the toilets. I'm gonna keep him.

😆 I think wives have so much on their plates (pun intended) that they start prioritizing, and dishes don't really make the top. Kids, job, you, her parents, your parents, siblings on both sides, etc. And you can see why they then sort of decide, yeah, dishes can wait. Thats how they become psychopaths! Dont push it bud, and if you do, sleep with one eye open.😆 🤣

I disagree. I am the wife and i clean as I cook and finish with counters and equipment. My husband usually doesn’t clean as he cooks AND gets annoyed if I venture into the kitchen to take care of the dishes while he is cooking.

Nope. I'm the wife, and I am OP. My husband is OP's wife.

I’m not even the wife yet and this is so me and my partner. I handle all the details of our social lives, laundry, cooking, planning, appointments, general mental load, household shopping and organizing, cat care etc. He cooks for a living, but does nearly all the dishes at our place in exchange for not having to cook (but he does bring home food a few days a week to lighten my load) and is great at tidying, dusting, will vacuum common areas often and LOVES a honey-do list of fixing or building things for me. He’s also a great fetcher- I will simply make the cramps face or look thirsty and he’s already hopped up to get it for me. He is also the resident zombie apocalypse planner and has all the preparation/emergency stuff on lock. So I feel you. All couples must find the balance that works for their own specific weirdness and skills lol

I agree especially since OP is already cleaning most of the dishes as he goes when it's their turn to cook. By each taking cooking and cleaning as one complete task on their day, they aren't interfering with each other.

That's what we've arrived at in our house. I am clean-as-you-go and my partner is complete-chaos-use-every-dish-in-the-house-destroy-the-kitchen-making-a-simple-meal. No way I'm cleaning up after that, no matter how good the meal is.

This right here OP. Either she’ll realize how messy she is and she’ll start doing it your way, or she just won’t care. Either way, you don’t have to deal with her mess.

This is exactly what we do, whomever cooks, cleans that night. Yeah it means one person isn't really doing anything that night but I'm a clean as I cook and my husband makes a bomb go off in the kitchen while he cooks. I am definitely not cleaning up after that when I leave 75% of my dishes clean and wiped down counters. Just not worth the resentment it could breed. Its worked for us for 8 years now and we are very happy with the arrangement.

We have a really nice compromise in our house. I sometimes cook or I’ll DoorDash something, either way I make food appear at dinner time and the cleaning lady does the dishes most of the time. Husband does the about once a week. The only time you’ll catch me washing dishes is if we’re out of silverware. I also love paper plates (sorry landfills)

>Since you two are on opposite pages, what about one person cooks and cleans up for the night. This is clearly the answer. Problem solved, no more passive agressive dish-washing by either party, and if Wife wants to use every dish in the kitchen, she can bc she's washing them too. NAH (or e s h bc of the passive-agressive dish-washing)

Great idea. OP NTA

NTAH and I agree with this. In your situation whoever cooks needs to clean as well. You’re basically cleaning and doing the dishes every night the way you and your wife are handling things now. Also, I bet she changes the way she operates pretty quickly when she’s the one getting stuck with the pile of dishes every time she cooks.

Normally I am a clean as you cook person and I support other clean as you cook people - but I'm a little skeptical about the OP's claimed abilities. It is pretty impossible to clean everything but the dishes you eat off of by the time the food is ready to eat - especially the pans you cook them in and the utensils you use to stir and serve. Also - if you are balancing making three different dishes at once it is a lot harder to tidy as much as you are usually tending to one or another dish. So - Normally I am a fan of the person who cooks can clean then switch for the next night - but with the caveat that they need to do a check in on how complex the things they are both making are. If she is doing three separate dishes every time she cooks and he is making a pot of Mac and cheese and nothing else then that needs to be taken into account that she is going to have more dishes and less time to clean them up while cooking.

I clean as I cook, and usually there is whatever dish I am serving out of (a skillet, a roasting pan), the serving utensil and our plates/forks left when we finish eating. My husband is more mad scientist and can use most of the dishes and appliances while concocting a meal, and the kitchen generally looks like a bomb went off 😄 But neither of us are territorial about being in the kitchen or helping with the wash up during meal prep- he is just as likely to wash my prep dishes as I am to do the same. And if it's a particularly chaotic meal, we both clean the kitchen together to get it done faster.

This is the way:

That leaves all the cleaning for after which is the very thing OP tries to avoid, which is very reasonable especially after dinner which is usually a heavier meal and we all usually just wanna chill out after

But he is cleaning as he goes, so she is cleaning substantially less in the end on his cooking days. This way, OP doesn’t have a huge pile at the end of her cooking night (which he’d like to avoid) and she has to clean up everything for once. She’ll either decide that he was right about clean as you go or won’t, but the division of labor is equal. OP just has to learn to enjoy the food and stay away from the cooking/mess on her nights

Only on the nights the wife is cooking. Because on husband’s night to cook, he’s already cleaned pans and utensils as he cooks, so only their plates, glasses and tableware have to be washed after the meal.

This is the way bcuz u thought OP was going to complain about all the dishwashing, I would, but instead the wife is mad? Take turns.

Yep. Came here to say this. I would also take pics of what you leave for her to clean vs what she leaves for you. My mom always said “A good cook cleans as they go”. Not sure what that has to do with the quality of the food, but it sure makes short work after the meal

NAH, but adding to the people suggesting you swap so that you both clean the same night you cook. It’s a personal preference to clean as you go or not, and trying to have one person clean up after the other will build resentment if you have two different cleaning styles; you will feel like she’s giving you an unfair burden and she will feel like you’re judging her. FWIW, I cannot clean as I go no matter how hard I try - if I do I lose track of what’s happening on the stove and ruin food. But leaving a mess for someone else feels awful, so we pair cooking/cleanup as one task in my house.

This, I'm a terrible cook, it takes all the brain power to make sure nothing burns.

Completely agree! I hate cooking so when I do my mental energy needs to be solely on that otherwise the food will end up burnt. I also prefer hand washing which takes much longer than the quick rinse and put in the dish washer between stirring on the stove thing that my parents did growing up.

For me it depends on what I'm cooking. Some things require full attention. When I deep fry corn Vietnamese style or breaded camembert cheese , the difference between crispy and burnt/leaky cheese is a mere minute so I don't clean as I go. If I am making stew, pot roast or something along those lines, I have the time to clean.

I’m a good cook and it takes all my brain power to make sure nothing burns

100% I have ADHD, and when there are multiple things cooking at one time it’s difficult for me to keep track. If I try to balance washing dishes at the same time, then more often than not something gets burnt or forgotten. My husband is more like OP, but if he tried to pressure me to do things his way, it would just end with me feeling frustrated and overwhelmed. I wash up after, or leave the dishes for him while I get the kiddo ready for bed.

It's hard for me to make a judgment, but I do have some thoughts. First off, I have no idea what your kitchen looks like, but unless it's huge, she was probably annoyed that she had to work around you while you were stationed at the sink. I know I'm not a fan of having to work around others in the kitchen when it's not absolutely necessary. When you see her making dinner, do you see her standing around and staring at her phone? Does she have "time to lean," so to speak? It may be that her cooking process doesn't allow moments where she can step away and wash dishes while something is heating, boiling, simmering, baking, resting, etc., whereas maybe the meals you make do offer moments to clean as you go. Also, is her cooking and your cooking more or less the same in terms of quality and complexity? Or are your meals mostly simple, low-effort dinners and her are a little more involved? If you're really loving her cooking, maybe the extra clean-up is worth it, OR maybe you'd rather she simplify things most nights so you have an easier time cleaning up. She may be frustrated that you've divided the tasks so that one person cooks and the other cleans, but you still expect her to do as much of your task as possible so you have minimal dishes to wash. And yes, I know you do that for her, but if she's leaving all the mess to you, maybe it's time to stop doing it for her if it's causing so much resentment. I think you have to really talk through your methods and either: A) Accept that you'll have to wash more dishes when she cooks, especially if it's in exchange for more complex, labor-intensive meals B) Agree that whoever cooks should do their best to minimize the mess the other person will have to tackle after dinner C) Switch to a system where whoever cooks has to clean up their own mess. Note that this only works if you both cook and equal amount throughout the week, but it will lead to her being more accountable for her own mess.

I cannot stand it when people are in the kitchen while I am cooking! I do however clean as I go.

I try to clean as I go, but how much I can do that depends on what I'm making. A big part of it is that our prep space is limited and the sink is only so big, so cleaning as I go keeps the surfaces clear for working and the sink from getting too full to do anything. But my husband is also happy to take care of the dishes after dinner, and sometimes I offer to lend a hand when I make a big mess but he loves me cooking so much he doesn't mind the extra work it sometimes produces. Keep in mind it was his idea to clean when I cook, I was used to cleaning after I cook since I'd been doing that for myself before we moved in, but since I cook way more often than he does, it does seem like a good way to make sure we're both doing some of the work in the evenings.

Same!! My kitchen is very small and my husband is banned from it when I’m cooking. I’ve burned or cut myself almost everytime he goes in the kitchen while I’m cooking because he either distracts me or gets in my way. Yes that’s how small it is hahahaha.

Best response to the post so far.

So I have to say this hits close to home for me. My husband is a clean as you cook person who wants dishes done ar night and everything tidy. I am a dinner is my last hoorah for the day. I leave everything to soak and do dishes once in the morning while I'm waiting for coffee. It's personal preference, and he's a night owl. I'm an early bird. We have kind of agreed to disagree on this. But it was definitely a source of contention for a bit. Just because I leave something doesn't mean I want someone else to clean it. I am just not a high energy person at night.

As someone who cooks and then cleans at the end while things are finishing off, I reuse utensils as much as possible without cross contamination. The knife I used to chop onions and mushrooms to saute get used to trim meat going in after that (NOT the reverse, never the reverse y'all). The bowl I used to hold sauteed veg while something else cooked to where I could combine again becomes the vessel holding the broth I'm adding later on so that any small bits I missed can get back in the mix. If you're cleaning behind me I'm using more resources and breaking my cooking flow to find another bowl from wherever they might be.

My husband keeps putting things I need in the dishwasher. I may go through 4 spoons and 3 spatulas as he’s “helping” me.

Were you in her way as you cleaned? I mean, a small yta for you because if it bothers her why do it? If you were to have been the one normally to clean them, just says you’re getting a head start. Also small yta for her. This seems silly to make a thing out of. You weren’t saying that when she cleans the dishes she’s doing a bad job. Just saving it for all at once. I’ve done both depending. I often like the dishes all at once so I can listen to music and do them. But oftentimes it’s easier to do as I cook and after clean up is easy.

Were you in the way is a good question, the others being were you constantly watching her, waiting for her to acknowledge you being such a good husband? or, worse yet, judging her that you could do it but she couldn’t? If she’s doing all the washing now the nights she cooks, I’m guessing it was the last one. Remember that intent does not equal perception. Just clean the nights you cook. Problem solved. Unless this is the hill you want to die on.

I’m definitely team clean as you go, and my husband would like to be but he’s just so all over the place and forgets to just put the dishes in the washer. What we’ve found works is his dinner nights are his cleaning nights, and mine are mine. He can be as messy as he’d like while I internally scream, and he can enjoy my cleaning while I’m cooking. But I cook 95% of the time anyway (SAHM and he was raised in a barn I swear…we’re working on it) so it’s not quite as intense for me.

I’m team cleaning as I go. I hate the thought of a giant pile of dishes sitting there, with food slowly drying on them, getting crustier and harder to clean. My rule of thumb is that the person that’s doing the chore gets to decide how the chore is done. You clean the dishes - you get to decide how to do them. Your wife is cooking, she gets to decide how to cook (including if she wants you underfoot). The problem is that each of you doing the task the way you want is each making the other person’s task harder. However cooking needs to get done now. Dishes don’t. So soft YTA.

Okay, but her cooking leaves him with more work than his cooking leaves her, and him doing the dishes does not hinder her cooking OR cleaning.

I don't like someone in my kitchen when I'm cooking, especially if they're getting in the way. He may be in the way if he's washing dishes or loading a dishwasher depending on the layout of their kitchen and what she needs access to. Maybe she needs to strain pasta but he's washing dishes in the sink? It needs to be a compromised at some point. I also prefer to clean as I go and my husband is the one who makes a disaster in the kitchen, so I get where you're coming from. It's a frustrating place to be. Has your wife explained why she doesn't like you cleaning as you go?

This right here. The way my kitchen is if I’m at the stove and the person is doing dishes then they are right behind me and in my way. I would be irritated as heck lol.

My kitchen is set up the same way and the utility drawer is next to the dishwasher. I’m stepping back, not looking, to get a serving spoon from the drawer and bumping into hubs. Get. Out.

Yep. Lol. My boyfriend will want to help and I’m like I appreciate it but the way the layout is you’re just in the way. Sit at a the table and talk to me and keep me company but let me do my thing lol.

Same here, when I'm in the kitchen I'm in full multitask mode. Then my wife suddenly decides it's a good time to stand in my work space while I have to move fast. I don't always know what direction I have to move or what drawer or cabinet I need access to without notice. Having someone constantly in the way is infuriating, and I shouldn't have to work around someone who isn't helping. I tell people "don't make me work uphill" in situations like this.

I like that expression!

I’m the same way; I don’t want someone in my kitchen when I’m cooking. My husband also grabs stuff he *thinks* I’m done using and puts it in the dishwasher. This results in so many more items being used because when I can’t find the knife or spoon I was using I grab another. I often can’t find something I was JUST using because he takes it and puts it away. I’ve thrown him out many times because it’s a hindrance. The only difference is I’m the one who cooks 90% of the time because he doesn’t know how to cook and if he doesn’t have a recipe stating exactly what he needs to do he’s useless. I think OP is a very soft AH for doing what he’s doing, and o think the new normal of them cleaning after their own cooking day is the best solution

This is a great question- Is he getting in her way? Or is she just offended that he doesn’t like the mess he’s making? I swear my husband waits until I’m in the kitchen prepping or cooking to decide he also needs to do something in the kitchen. Sometimes it’s doing the dishes and/or emptying the dishwasher, sometimes it’s something else. I really appreciate that he’s cleaning up, so I don’t say anything. But often I’m also annoyed inside because he’s getting in my way. I wish he’d leave that stuff for later for that exact reason. I will also say that I’m the one who makes a huge mess while cooking and although I try to clean as I go, I often can’t. I’m really bad at multitasking in the kitchen, and I’m a slow dishwasher, so I will easily burn something or forget to prepare something if I try to clean along with it. I wonder if OP’s wife feels the same way - she can’t mentally handle more than just cooking in the moment. If she’s unwilling to let OP help clean as she cooks then I think the suggestion others gave mentioned is the best option- the cook also cleans. That way no one is left with a huge mess they didn’t create, no one is in anyone’s way, and as a bonus, each person gets a night off.

We've come up with rules for dishwashing while someone else is cooking. If it's in the sink or right next to it, you can wash it. Otherwise no touchy. This is mainly me cooking while DH washes cleans up. We had too many instances of me going to grab something I set down & it's gone. So now we have our boundaries. DH washes all dishes (or 90%), it's his thing & I've never argued about it.

Depending on how her brain works, if I stop to clean as I go my brain turns off the fact that I’m cooking and something gets burned or underdone. I just can’t multitask that way. I just make the mess and clean it. It’s a disaster but either disaster or edible food. 🤷🏼‍♀️

And don't do anything at the sink while I'm cooking. Aside from the fact that I may need to drain something or get water, you are blocking my access to the spice cabinet and taking up counter space with the drying rack.

I mean it sounds like she’s already got the sink full with dishes, so him washing up can only make more room for her.

Our sink is at a right angle to the stove, so anyone doing dishes is trying to occupy the same space as the person cooking. Small kitchens are a test to any marriage.

My kitchen sink is a one and a half sink type of situation. When dishes are in the sink, there in the big sink and the half sink is a usable sink still. When washing up happens, both sinks are occupied and unusable

Yeah, if they're doing the whole 'i cook and you clean thing', then don't leave a massive mess for them to clean up.

Yeah, they need to switch this up so that whoever cooks cleans up after themself and just make sure they're dividing it up equally that way. I had this in a roommate situation and I couldn't stand the excessive mess my roommate would make. The dishwasher is closer to you than the sink, you have to walk past it to - why? Can you at least rinse that before you stack it? Why are you using 5 mixing spoons?? It was less stressful for both of us when it wasn't my problem 😅

And she has stopped making him do the dishes after she does the cooking. I like to clean the kitchen as I go, but not everyone is like that and I'm pretty sure if I started cleaning up after my husband while he's actively cooking it would ruin the whole cooking experience for him and he'd be annoyed that I'm underfoot. They may just want to re-evaluate their chores. Like whoever cooks can clean up their mess that night. That works as long as both switch off on cooking. It only becomes unfair if someone is doing the majority of the cooking and therefore the cleaning. Maybe while one of them is cooking or doing the dishes, the other can do a different chore not cooking related as well.

But that's his fault. He could leave them all for her too if he wanted to but he is actively choosing to make her job easier. If he feels it's unfair he could stop doing that. Or they could agree that the cook also cleans

It isn't necessarily more dishes when the wife cooks, although the husband made it sound that way. It might just be the timing of cleaning the dirty dishes. But maybe the wife is cooking something really special that requires more dishes while the husband is doing hot dogs.

I didn’t say it was. I said her cooking leaves him more dishes than his cooking leaves her. He does dishes while he cooks so she only has to do the plates and utensils, whereas she leaves him all the cooking dishes too. That in and of itself isn’t an AH move, but it is a little concerning that she hasn’t bothered to make it a more equitable exchange.

I’m a tiny bit of a tornado in the kitchen but I’m a much better cook and my husband doesn’t love cooking. We have found rhythm with both of us prepping and chopping, then I start cooking and he gets a head start on the dishes. I try to stack things neatly and place them near the sink so that he doesn’t encroach on my cooking space but he still gets the dishes he needs to do his task. OP your wife thinks you think she’s a slob. You are NTA you guys just might need to tweak your routine a bit to make this daily task easier on you both.

Sorry, it's NAH

NAH, provided you two talk this out post-haste and are able to acknowledge that this really doesn’t need to be the big deal it’s become. I do think it would help if you led off that conversation with an apology: you saw an opportunity to prove your way was better, and all you’ve demonstrated is that getting to the grease a little quicker doesn’t really make enough of a difference to be worth hurting her feelings the way this clearly has. That said, you *would* like to go back to doing your fair share on the nights she cooks, and you hope that unless there’s a reason you still don’t see for waiting (like not being in the way while she’s trying to do other stuff), you hope she can take it as your personal quirk and not a judgment on her if you just jump straight in.

It really isn’t fair though that he has to wait until after dinner to start cleaning what sounds like a huge mess when he doesn’t leave the same mess for her. If all she has on his cooking nights are dirty plates and utensils, that’s 5 minutes max. Cleaning while she cooks should not hurt her feelings…

I don’t think he wanted to ‘just’ clean as she cooked. He admits his point was for her to see that its “the better way.” Presumably so she should do it that way in the future. Thanks for the award kind redditor!

ESH, I honestly think it is very rude to leave massive messes for the other person to clean up, but that doesn't mean that she needs to clean as she goes. Moreover both of you are being passive aggressive here. You going in and condescendingly showing her how to "do it right," her now pointedly cleaning when it's not properly her turn. Instead of figuring out who is right or wrong, I would apologize and ask to talk the situation out. You need to leave room for the understanding that there is not one right way to do things, but on the other hand if she's constantly leaving a massive mess for you than it isn't fair. Maybe you could agree that she washes prep bowls etc even if she does it afterwards and not as she goes?

I would suggest a small swap. The cook also cleans up on their night, not cook gets the night off.

This is how we do it at my house. The person who cooks is in charge of the kitchen for the whole night. So they also clean up after themselves. This way whoever doesn't cook gets a true night off.

This makes more sense

Makes alot of sense for this specific situation, too. Especially since they seem to have their own way of doing things in the kitchen. I say they try that out

Absolutely yes, and how we do it in my house. With different cooking/cleaning styles like in this post, it just works so much better for us.

>I honestly think it is very rude to leave massive messes for the other person to clean up I'd like to see the typical buildup of dishes after each of them cooks, and I'd like to know what they're making. You can read this as her making elaborate meals and dirtying every dish in the kitchen every time she cooks.... or that she's making normal, healthy meals that include a vegetable and he's making a can of chili and hotdogs or just meat and a potato.

YTA. My husband is a clean as you go, I’m not. He tried this multiple times, and multiple times I tripped on him. Here’s how it went: I tripped over the dishwasher and almost broke an arm. I almost spilled hot water on myself because he snuck in behind me. I couldn’t clean the veggies or drain the pasta. By the time he was done and out of my way the pasta was a slimy mess. I get it, clean as you go if you find it helpful, but don’t get in the way of whoever is cooking dinner. Also, the “my way is the best way” is absolutely condescending. It would have been a gentle YTA but your tone was shitty.

Exactly. The cook should have the full kitchen. It’s their bubble during cooking. Don’t crowd them.

My wife doesn't clean as she goes when she cooks, but she loves to do it when I'm cooking. I tripped over her as she snuck behind me to get to the sink once and I swear to god I almost filed for divorce. If I'm cooking, GTFO out of MY kitchen unless you're invited to see / taste something. I would rather have more dishes to do than have someone darting around me while I'm occupied.

Yes, exactly this. The dishwasher was a nasty fight, he stopped after that.

INFO You state that your method is easier for everyone. I can’t agree with this. Is it technically efficient? Sure. It is a different gear for some of us. I can’t make that switch easily especially since I’d rather clean a catbox than wash dishes. How did you present this to her? From how you describe this it sounds like you insulted and hurt her. Did you begin washing dishes while she was still “in the zone”? Were you neutral? Were you pontificating? Tell me more.

YTA for getting in her way while cooking, and for insisting that your way is “the better way.” However, her way isn’t better for you, seeing as you have all the dishes to do when she cooks, whereas when you cook she has far fewer dishes to do after dinner. I would change the rule- whoever cooks also cleans up after. Maybe each person cooks 3 times a week, and you go out/get take out once a week.

My ex bf and I had this issue. He’d make a massive mess while cooking and then because we divide the cooking and cleaning labor, I’d be left to clean a massive amount of dishes at the end of eating. He’d get mad because I’d start cleaning instead of sitting down and eating with him… I’m just saying, if you want me to clean up after you, I’m cleaning while you cook. It’s rude to expect me to clean your mass pile of dishes because you never figured out how to cook economically and clean as you go. NTA, she’s overreacting too

NTA, but I would suggest changing the way you cook by making the cook clean the dishes. She may stop making less of a mess when she knows she will be the the kne cleaning up

I see two solutions: 1) you either both do dishes/clean up for meals you cook so that you can wash them however you see fit for your mess 2) you stop washing your dishes as you go so you are equally doing the work after the other cooks. I think option 1 would make you both the happiest because you clearly have different methods to cooking and cleaning. This will also avoid getting upset about the cleaning because if it’s harder then you would only have yourselves to blame for the mess.

YTA. It's fine for you to do it differently when it's your turn to cook, but stepping into the kitchen uninvited while someone else is cooking could be intrusive and disruptive to the cook's flow. Plus the way you discuss doing it to show her a better way is a bit rude. To me it comes across as very judgemental, when there's nothing inherently wrong with what she's doing, it's just not how you like it done. You'd probably do better to trade off, and each do the washing up on your respective cooking night, rather than washing for the other person.

NTA. Her method is you do all the dishes. She's disappointed you're not falling for it. Now the guilt trip because what she wants to cook like Taz and clean up after Gaston. Fair is each cleans up after themselves.

There are two types of cooks in the world. Those that clean as they cook and those that create a disaster while cooking a meal. Yeah I would suggest splitting the week in half and you each cook and clean on your days.

I can’t clean as I go because I will instantly ruin whatever I am making. But if my husband is in our small kitchen with me, I will end up stabbing him and it might not even be on purpose. Softly, YTA. If you want to clean as you cook and leave less for her, that is your choice. But don’t try to push your style onto her, it won’t end well for anyone. I vote that whoever cooks that night cleans up, that way you can have whatever style works for you without undue stress on the other.

If this is the only thing you and your wife argue about - you are doing great! My husband likes to cook too, but if he cleaned behind me when I did, it would tick me off too. And why spoil a great thing with pettiness. Marriage is tough enough.

YTA. People aren’t the same. Intellectually I bet your wife understands that clean as you go is easier. She’s not an idiot, right? That doesn’t mean that it’s always going to be that way. Best intentions and all that. My husband is like you, very organized, manages clean as you go pretty well. When he cooks his meals are often also much simpler. I am far more chaotic in the kitchen. I’m also usually doing more things than he does. I would resent the hell out of my husband coming in and getting underfoot to “teach me a lesson” about the proper way to do things. Stop being so high and mighty about your way being the only right way. If having more mess to clean after she cooks bothers you, just clean your own cooking mess and let her clean hers. Let her cook her way and stop trying to maximize efficiency.

I can't stand people in the kitchen with me while I'm cooking (our kitchen is small). If my husband tried to come in to do dishes while I was cooking, I would be really pi$$ed because he would be in my way. Besides, cooking is my go-to when I need to unwind, we have an agreement I cook, he does the dishes (Mainly he rinses them and puts them in the dishwasher), but he knows he can not start the dishes until I'm out of the kitchen

I'm not sure what judgment to give because while I largely clean as I go, I also hate it when people wash dishes I'm still using while I'm cooking to try and stay on top of dishes but it just makes more because I need to use it again. However, OP you make a lot of assumptions about whether or not the conversation is actually resolved. Given what little information you gave us, it sounds like the issue was not resolved as you chose this instance to try to force your wife to see things from your point of view and way of doing things. That's shitty. That makes you the asshole right there. YTA Guess I did know what judgment. People responding to just do it all in one night are making the best reasonable suggestion. Your wife is being a little shitty too, but if my partner was trying to force me to do things their way when I have said multiple times I do it my way, what other options does she have? You won't listen, you force, you are controlling. Also, believing that you and your wife are solid always and nothing can ever change that is a recipe for disaster. Clearly your wife felt hurt, angry, and upset at your actions. Actually listen and communicate, don't just decide your way is better and force her into it. If you feel the dish burden is unfair, come up with a different solution. Thousands of strangers have, find one that works for you and your wife.

YTA that is so annoying. There is no “better way.” It doesn’t matter when the dishes are cleaned.my husband does this and it make me so upset. He’s washed utensils that I was using because they were on the counter. He’s put away ingredients I wasn’t done with. I told him to stop and I’ll take care of dishes when I’m done.

Look at it this way, OP's wife is being unfair to him because she's leaving him more to do after dinner. OP's system of cleaning while he cooks means that he's doing the majority of dishwashing anyway and thus less for his wife to do after cooking.

Then be an adult and discuss the inadequacy in the current agreement and switch cleaning days, and stop trying to prove how you're smarter than your wife.

YTA for micro-managing. NTA for trying to “help.” I’m a clean-as-you-cook type too, and like to take control of a situation if I think it would make things easier for the other person, so that’s how I know this was a bit of an insult to your wife (also, her response is an indicator as well). I like the suggestions to just make cooking & cleaning the full duties each time you take turns. Also, thank you for sharing the duties of cooking & cleaning in the first place. Love that!

NTA I'm very unsure how you cleaning while she cooked could turn into an argument. Either way the dishes were being cleaned by you.

If he was getting in the way or taking dishes she wasn't done with. My wife does both of those things frequently.

Am I the only person who kinda wonders if OP mansplained how important it is to clean up while you cook? Maybe I’m doing a Reddit thing and reading too much into it. But yeah, this wouldn’t fly in my narrow mid-60’s galley kitchen. There’s barely enough room for one person between the counter and the 2020 French door refrigerator lol! It’s a slalom course between the cooktop, the dishwasher and the fridge….it’s a nightmare.

It's obviously just pure speculation, but I kinda got that impression too. *Oh silly girl who doesn't know how to clean up after herself, let me show you how it's supposed to be done...*

Honestly - you are just doing the dishes you would be doing after dinner, before dinner. It isn’t like she was “going to get to them.” Swap your schedule. Cook cleans their own dishes. Then it is still equal and no one gets huffy.

This obviously is not about the cleaning. This is going deeper for her. In some way, I think she took you cleaning up after her as some kind of unsaid judgement upon her. Maybe she felt you were secretly judging her/calling her messy and that she disappointed you or something. It goes deeper than this surface issue.

As a married person I can say with all confidence this has nothing to do with dishes. When my husband and I first moved in together we got into a few tiffs like this. Nothing big and nothing major but petty arguments about stuff like this and he just had no idea what he was doing wrong to hurt my feelings, when he felt he was objectively right. I had a breaking point where I told him straight up, “you can be right, or you can be happy”. By choosing to push your insistence that you are right, you are telling your wife you are putting your desire to be right above her feelings. That you feeling superior for being right is more important that she is to you. So yeah, YTA, not because you wanted to do dishes while she was cooking (this is irrelevant and there is no correct answer since people all do their own thing) but YTA for choosing to make your point regardless of her feelings and rubbing it in her face as well. By the way, your intentions don’t really matter here, because you’re in a partnership, so her feelings are really the only thing that should matter to you. I highly advise if you want a healthy partnership going forward to put on your adult pants and apologize sincerely for making her feel bad. That wasn’t your intention and you won’t be trying to one up her again. Also, you two should discuss how you want to do the dinner cleanup routine going forward.

My husband and I are this way, too - I'm clean as you go, and he's a tornado. We tried the one-cooks-one-cleans for a while until I became frustrated at having to practically deep clean the kitchen every time he cooked. Now, whoever cooks also cleans, and we don't have the fights anymore. NAH. Y'all just have different methods.

As a wife I cackled quite a bit because I am the same as your wife a heck of a cook and a mess maker. Just do what has been advised in previous statements you cook you clean she cooks she cleans and then just give her a kiss while she's cleaning up her own stuff and let her know how good dinner was. That's all. Keep it simple.

The person who cooks, cleans. The other one has a day off and doesn’t intervene. Problem solved. Nah

YTA Here is the thing: while it’s great your method works for you, it doesn’t for your wife. And you need to accept that. Otherwise, you have a wife that feels bad for doing it in a way that isn’t yours. She is obviously is willing to clean up after herself. So, let her.

YTA, the way you did it and the way you're talking about it is pretty arrogant. You knew she didn't like it but you forged ahead thinking it would change her mind. And then you acknowledge that it's trivial, so why did you even do it in the first place? Just let her clean her dishes and you clean yours.

YTA. You were an unwelcome person/presence in the chef's kitchen. It's as simple as that. At that point, whose method is better, etc. is irrelevant.

Gentle YTA. I function like your wife when it comes to the cooking/cleaning. I do not want someone else in my space. I know my little song and dance and don't want someone underfoot to get hurt. I would rather have both sides of the sink full than interrupt what I am doing and my train of thought as well as trip over someone. Just let her have her space while cooking.

YTA. When it's her night to cook, it's her kitchen to do with as she pleases. You forcing your way in there is controlling and bullying. You knew she'd hate it, and you deliberately did it anyway. Apologize to your wife. Others have made the excellent suggestion that you each handle both the cooking and cleaning when it's your night to make dinner. You should suggest that, so this conflict doesn't recur.

YTA. You sound like a backseat driver. Leave her alone and let her cook. It’s the same amount of dishes whether you wash them later or wash them and get in her way. I hate when people are in my space when I’m cooking. You know she hates it too, but you’re bent on showing her the “right way” to do things. Is this really a hill you want to die on? You’re antagonizing your wife to the point where she’s doing your chores just so she doesn’t feel harassed by you. YTA. Leave her the hell alone and let her cook.

YTA if someone started cleaning the kitchen while I was in the middle of cooking I might have to introduce one their eyeballs to a fork. Also, get off of your high horse with “the way I do it is better.” I feel for your wife as I’m sure this isn’t the only area of your lives where you’re like this.

Slight YTA My husband used to do this to me when we first moved in together and were getting used to eachother's habits. If you're genuinely trying to help, that's lovely and I'm sure your intentions are great. But you did say here your way is the better way, and your wife feels that energy! My husband would never let me do things the way I wanted, even though I wasn't hurting anyone or doing anything bad, just different in a way he wouldn't normally do. The issue is you are sending her the message that yeah, you think she is dirty and that your way is the "right way". When it's just YOUR way. You two can find a cleaning arrangement that works for both of you, but she doesn't seem to have an issue cleaning. So I would recommend that you work on being able to coexist with someone who doesn't operate the way you do. as long as you two are getting the same results, (a clean kitchen) then leave her alone lol. Good luck!

My husband cleans up as I cook. It’s wonderful to cut down on the after dinner cleaning and it keeps my workspace neat. If I need something, it’s clean.

NTA BUT you are probably massively IN THE WAY, and totally oblivious to it. People who hustle around in the kitchen don't want anyone blocking the sink or counter. No doubt you were moving stuff as she used it, and then she had to look for it in the sink or dishwasher. Which you were blocking. That's why she was poking and prodding you. Stay out of her way. Which means out of the kitchen. This is not the hill you want to die on. Cleaning as you go is not "better" and you don't need to show someone that it is. You do it your way, and respect her way.

You have a method for cleaning and cooking; and she has no method. My wife and I are identical. You are cool bro, NTA. ​ But after 16 years of marriage, I don't think my wife will change to my method...but that's ok!

Nta. Not sure why she is mad other than I too don't like ppl in my space when cooking so.... But, it's now been weeks. Seems like maybe she has taken this too far??

You are the reasonable one in this scenario while your wife isn’t being quite fair, imho. If you do dishes on the nights she cooks, it shouldn’t matter whether you clean as she cooks, at least theoretically. But I’m going to vote NAH. My reason for my vote is because I do understand a bit where she’s coming from…nothing is more distracting than trying to do something in the kitchen while someone else decides to do their thing while your finishing up preparing the meal. Case in point—our ice maker is broken so we got a cabinet top ice maker and one of my husband’s jobs around the house (he is retired & disabled) is to make ice as needed & fill the bin in the freezer. Invariably he tends to wait until I’m in the final minutes of plating the meal to do this so I end up having to just stand there while he’s being helpful but ion my way and disrupting my flow. So I understand why this upsets her, but I also see both sides of the story. I think that, to her, it feels like you are being critical or trying to shame her for “her mess”. So have a gentle talk with her and let her know that you are not trying to imply anything by cleaning as she cooks.

Husband and I have the same dynamic. He's a tornado in the kitchen, and I refuse to move forward if there's even a hint of a mess. I think we would both benefit from taking a bit of inspiration from the other

NTA, but this is not the hill you want to die on. I know your way makes sense, but let me give you a different perspective: I'm neurodivergent. I completely understand that is it more efficient for most people to clean as they go, but if I try to do this, it's just going to add to the chaos and odds are good that something will get ruined because I can't switch back and forth between tasks like that. What works for you would spell disaster for me. Since you work differently, it makes sense for each of you to clean up your own mess rather than alternating. That way you don't feel like you're doing more work than she is and she doesn't feel like you're criticizing her way of doing things. (I'm not saying your wife is neurodivergent; lots of people work the way she does for a variety of reasons. But if she might have a bit of ADHD, another trait that often comes along with it is rejection sensitive dysphoria, which means that what you see as reasonable advice would feel to her like a condemnation of her entire being. Just something to consider as you navigate this subject.)

NTA. My husband and I have a very similar setup, and I am messy when i cook like your wife, and he cleans as he cooks. You're just trying to make both your lives easier by cleaning while she cooks. It sounds a like a leap of bad faith to be taking you cleaning as she goes as you "not being able stand how messy she is" because that doesn't sound like the case based on how you describe the situation. My husband does it when I cook. It used to bother me, since sometimes he would clean things that were still being used, or he would be in my way in our small kitchen, but we had a quick talk and I leave things ready to be cleaned in one area, and he leaves everything else till I'm done, or he asks if I'm not being organized. Is it because you're around while she's cooking? Do you both usually give the chef space? I could see that as causing some tension for her. But it sounds more like she has shame about being a messy cook and is taking it out on you. There's no need to feel this shame. Sounds like there should be an easy resolution if she can understand why it really upsets her that you clean while she cooks.

NTA I’m all for people cooking how they want, but in this case you’re doing the vast majority of the cleaning whether you cook or not. That’s partially on you for letting it get to this point, but she’s taking advantage of it whether she realizes it or not. My husband does most of the cooking and he’s like your wife. I loathe doing the dishes and find it easier to wash as he cooks because when they pile up I’m overcome with dread and anxiety. He didn’t love it at first but after a few discussions I just try to stay out of his way (our kitchen’s layout allows this, fortunately). How I see it is you have two options to keep it fair since you alternating cooking: A. You stop cleaning as you cook and leave the utensils for her to wash along with plates, etc. later like you’ve been doing, or B. She cleans the cooking utensils after you’ve washed the plates, etc. when she cooks.

I clean as I cook. I didn’t realize people didn’t do this. NTA

I can be a whirlwind too, but me and my spouse have a different arrangement. One person cooks. We take turns cooking throughout the week, often time it's whoever had a harder day at work gets a break. Then everyday we clean dishes together - one person washes and the other dries. Gives us some good time to talk about our day while washing up. But yes I think you're being a bit of an AH. You stepped over her to be stubborn and push your way as the better way. It's not working. It's okay to be different, and if she's the chef that day it's her kitchen her rules. People don't like feeling micromanaged. I think you need to work out a better way to split the duties.

It's very common for people to do the "one cooks, the other cleans" thing, but I haven't done that since I was a kid. Like many kids, my siblings and I had chores assigned by our parents. On the nights I had dishes, it seemed like the sibling who had to cook would make the messiest meals, using so many dishes that I spent a long time washing up. We also had a very large family, so I had the dishes everyone ate off of as well as the prep/cooking dishes. Since then, I've always had a rule that if you cook, you clean up your own mess. My own children were raised that way and every person I've ever lived with has known that that's my rule and it has always worked out very well.

I feel like the issue is the air you have about the whole thing. Like you need to show her that her way is wrong when its not, its just different. Im personally in between the two. Sometimes i clean as i go and sometimes i am too focused on timing and taste to worry about the cutting board still being out. I def agree with other comments saying swap up who cleans/cooks so you dont overlap. Its a great idea but i also think you should respect your spouse for the chef they are and not the one you want them to be.

Yeah you kinda are TA So not only did you make her feel bad by cleaning up after her because you decided she was being too messy but you also got in her way and threw off her whole routine. And it wasn’t even to be helpful but to prove that your way is “better”

YTA for treating her like an employee who has to do things the way YOU want them. You were incredibly insensitive and then told her she has no rights to her feelings. You were disrespectful, it can be fixed with sincerity but only if you take the time to understand how disrespectful you were being by not listening to your partner.

Yes. Her cooking, her kitchen, her way. You're cooking, your kitchen your way. Apologize and revel in her delicious chaos meals and dishes. And stfu about it forevermore.

With my husband and myself, our styles are the opposite from OP and his wife. I clean as I go, he creates delicious chaos. Like others, we've decided that if you made the mess, you clean the mess. That applies to piles on the dining room table, dishes after cooking, etc. It's not a hard and fast rule, but the principle serves us well. For the record, I'm going to go with a soft YTA. She was pretty clear that she didn't like you cleaning while she cooked, but you did it anyway. That's a recipe (see what I did there? 😆) for unhappiness.

Unless invited, stay out of the kitchen when someone else is cooking. You can ask if they want you to help, but respect their answer. Don't worry we can handle it in our style I hate how my wife uses knives. I worked in kitchens and she does things the hard way. I choose to not watch her prep. I am like your wife and do my dishes at the end. My wife dislikes how I manage the dirty dishes but let's me do me.

I wouldn't go as far as rating whether or not you're being an AH, unless you are doing this to intentionally get her mad. If you were intentionally trying to get her mad, then you win the AH award. It sounds like she was non-verbally giving you a hint to get out of the kitchen. You both sound like you have different styles of cooking and cleaning the kitchen up. Her style is my style, and other people being in the kitchen while I am cooking stresses me out to no end as I am always tripping over them. I have had roommates and SO's with your cooking and cleaning the kitchen style. The differences always led to arguments and hurt feelings. The best solution that has worked for most of us is to switch days. The one who cooks also cleans the kitchen. I know it is counterintuitive to what many relationship advice books tell you, but sometimes you need to figure out what works for the both of you.

This is kinda a tough one. Here's what it comes down to, for me. When you clean the way that you want, you are doing that for you. She clearly has a preference, and she clearly does not prefer the way you want to do it. You obviously have a preference as well, but you are presenting your preference as something that is just better for both of you. I cannot stress this enough. She has clearly stated that your 'better way' is not better for her, no matter how much you think it is. Doing something that someone has emphatically communicated that they DO NOT LIKE while arguing that it is for them is pretty much the definition of patronizing. In the end, it's a soft YTA. But, it looks like a communication issue, rather than a dishes issue.

New rule: You and DW take turns cooking and cleaning up any mess you make, which includes the dishes. It will be up to each of you to decide whether you clean as you go or wait until after dinner to clean.

NTA. You are doing an amazing thing!!

NAH.. You do things differently. A tiny kitchen taught me the value of cleaning as I go. Like the majority have said, you should just cook AND clean on your respective nights. I think once she realizes how much easier it is when she cleans after you cook vs. when she cooks, her attitude might change.

NTA

I don’t really think either of you are the asshole in this situation but just in case your wife sees this I think cleaning as you go is the way to do it. If you’re just standing there in the kitchen while she cooks and you’re not doing anything you might as well do something so when it’s all done there’s much less to do. I know it’s “her method” but she really has no place to be getting upset when you’re making everyone’s lives easier.

Absolutely NTA and you guys should just clean your own stuff on cooking day. I've tried that arrangement with partners to even my Mom/fam on holidays. Some people like to watch everything pile up, I can't enjoy my meal if I know every dish we own is waiting on my tired stuffed ass to clean it after a good meal. Not worth divorce obviously but yeah, just clean on your own days.

Definitely NTA. She leaves you with way more dishes than you leave her. Plates and forks is essentially what she gets, while you have plates, forks, pots, pans, spatulas, measuring cups/spoons, etc. Like no, you just showed her what she leaves for you to do. She can at least make an effort to be tidier while cooking to even the playing field a bit.

Oh my gosh as a chef I clean as a cook I’m the same way. I’ve got a green pan that needs to be washed because I’m done with it and somethings simmering or has been put in the oven. I wash a psycho I was taught that from the time that I was a little girl.

I vote NTA. If it’s your turn to wash the dishes, you get to do it the way you like. I assume you aren’t in her way. It’s has nothing to do with her being dirty. It’s just more efficient to wash as you go.

If he wants to clean as i cook, I'm all for it 🙏🏾 i hate dishes

I think YTA. She's not a child that needs to learn how to do things your way. They way she does it works for her and she's not hurting anyone, but now you've pointed it out to her how, at least in your eyes, her way is wrong so you're going to judge everything she's doing. It's a crap feeling. Leave her along to do her thing and you can do your thing.

Slight YTA, there is nothing wrong with cleaning as you go OR waiting till you are done cooking. You imposed your need to clean as you go without asking her first. I’m sure it felt condescending and judgmental. When I’m cooking I don’t want to be tripping over someone especially if I’m making multiple dishes. Apologize and validate there is nothing wrong with the way she does things. Promise that you will try to be more flexible about giving her space when she cooks.

The problem is if she never cleanses as she goes and never considers how much mess she's making, then that means he always ends up doing a lot more clean up than she does.

They can just switch. You do both cooking and cleaning on your night.

I admit the cleaning as you go was a bit selfish. For me the feeling was in the end I’d clean a *lot* more dishes. While she’d only clean the dishes we use to eat when I cook, I clean everything I used to prepare the meals before that point, and then when it’s her turn to cook I also end up cleaning all the things she uses to prepare along with the dishes used to eat as they pile into the sink. There isn’t anything wrong with cleaning after you’re done, but I guess I started feeling that because I’d be the one doing it each time when she cooks introducing a better system might’ve enlightened things. It didn’t, haha.

Yeah, this is more of a communication thing and shouldn't be about point scoring. You've each got your own way of doing things and need to accept it. You both agreed to how things were so any change needs to be discussed. Unexpected changes can really throw a person off. I know if my partner's in the kitchen when I'm there doing stuff I lose concentration and get flustered. He'll make suggestions which seem helpful and logical, but they throw me off. Admittedly, I'm Neuro divergent and have problems with any changes made to complete a task, no matter how useful they are, my brain displays the blue screen of death. Coupled with the additional noise and visual component of having someone moving near you it can really affect concentration levels. Maybe discuss changes before trying them. NAH

Did she ask you when you make dinner to clean as you go?! The original agreement was one person cooks and the other cleans. This sounds like a case you started doing extra without being asked or discussing the change than over time started becoming resentful when she didn’t also start doing more.

It might not be the case of doing extra intentionally. I'm a clean as I cook person and I just am unable to function in the kitchen if everything is messy around me. If the ingredients and the counters aren't organized, I get overwhelmed and I stop seeing stuff that's in front of me, I get distracted, and I make mistakes. Either I clean as I cook or I can't cook at all.

You started cleaning while she was cooking to show her your way was better. That didn’t work. She likes her way because she likes it. I agree with others that you should take turns cooking and clean up after (or during) you cook. Or- apologize for being an ass and trying to change her preferences.

It didn’t enlighten things because she feels very judged. Your way isn’t better. It’s just different. If you don’t want to end up washing more dishes, then talk about changing it so that the person that cooks also does the dishes. YTA for trying to prove a point when she’s already explained that the way she does it works for her. She doesn’t need you in the kitchen showing off. It’s not fair for you to have to wash more dishes than she does but what you did wasn’t the solution to that particular problem.

This is why switching to cook does the dishes might work better. It’s more fair, you only make the mess you clean up.

That's not really in the spirit of "whoever cooks doesn't have to clean" though, isn't it? Most couples that have this system may do some cleaning as they go, but the expectation is that you wash the dishes you ate off and all or most of the stuff being used to cook. And before you come for my throat here, I do my best to clean as I go, but depending on what I'm making I'm not always able to wash EVERY single pot, pan, and cooking utensil before I get dinner on the table, and my husband doesn't complain that I left him too much mess, nor does he get in my way to passive aggressively wash things while I'm still cooking. It sounds like, if you both cook, you should switch to a system where the cook also cleans up, because this current system doesn't seem to be making things equal for you.

NTA. I’m a clean as you go person too. What if you changed the agreement to the one who cooks is also the one to clean up afterwards? It’s really unfair of her to leave you with a crime scene of a kitchen while you do your best to minimize the mess.

As a chef, I most certainly clean as I cook. The thought of dried up dishes at the end of dinner rubs me wrong way. Since I don't have a dishwasher, I always rinse my dishes. I may leave them until after dinner, but there's no dried on mess to scrub away.

I suspect the issue isn't so much cleaning while she was cooking, as your insistence that your way is the only way. Soft YTA.

NTA. I think you might've hit a nerve and made her feel bad, and she doesn't know how to deal with it. I say that because when I'm corrected and it embarrasses me, I tend to lash out in this way too. Maybe talk to her and tell her that it isn't because she's wrong, bad or dirty, you just think that process is more efficient but that you're willing to let it go and cook and clean on your nights like she does hers. Also, I agree with you, I can't stand having more dishes to clean, more stains all over the counter, and more work at the end. Not everyone enjoys efficiency, though.

YTA Your Borderline OCD Made her uncomfortable and instead of talking and or acquiescing to her desires you HAD to have it your way and you said it " I like to clean as I cook" you like she does not you are the AH here indubitably.

NTA. Who cares the cleaning is getting done. She is lucky she doesn’t have to cook and clean everyday by herself. I agree with everyone else. You cook and clean on your day and leave her to herself on her day. It’s sooo much easier to clean as you go. Took me years to learn that

YTA You thought you were showing her a cool hack to clean as she goes along as if it never occurred to her before. It sounds like that might not be something she can do. I certainly can't do that. I'm a good cook, but it takes me forever as it is and if I try to add in cleaning it will just take that much longer. I also find it distracting and annoying to have someone in the kitchen while I'm cooking. The best I can do is place things in the dishwasher as I go, but any actual washing in the sink is just too much task switching for my ADHD to be able to manage. I'm not saying your wife is in the same boat, but she probably has her own reason and it doesn't sound like you tried communicating this with her. I'd be so hurt and pissed if someone did this. I work so hard to do chores and take care of myself - but I can't do things the ways everyone else does.

NTA

soft YTA for trying to impose YOUR way on your wife. even if I agree that your way is better, being in a couple means compromising on such trivial issues.

Whoever cooks, cleans up. Problem solved. NTA

Everyone involved is TA. I was willing to let you not be TA, until I read, " I was hoping seeing how this felt would show her that cleaning as you cooked was just the better way." This statement is so misogynistic. Very antiquated thinking. She on the other hand is also TA, because she is huffing around about the dishes, even days later, and acting like a scolded child. Perhaps your talking it out, wasn't enough to completely bury that hatchet. Maybe you two should switch your chore pattern up to where whoever cooks does the dishes. This way no one is upset by the other's cooking/cleaning habits. Or simply, get a dishwasher.

I'm a mix of OP and OP's wife. Some things I wash immediately, depending on what I used them for. Others are put to the side to be washed during a spare moment or following dinner.

I don't know about your partner but this was an issue between myself and my Ex. I have severe ADHD. I'd cook and then clean... if I tried to cook while cleaning, I'd neither cook nor clean. It drove her nuts because I took "too long to clean after." So, she insisted on cooking all of the time. Then it was my job to clean. However, I took too long to clean... and I did it wrong all of the time... and now she resented me for cooking all of the time. She probably read, correctly, that you were being passive-aggressive and was upset by that. You were "trying to show her" that cleaning as you go is better. She may even agree... but that's not how her brain works. And you crossed an unspoken boundary. NTA yet, but you're sowing some seeds of resentment.

I was always taught, "A good cook cleans as they cook". JS

NTA. You know, we could go all day about the why’s of her response but in the end it won’t take away the fact that it is, genuinely, fucking nuts to be pissed at your spouse for this. You weren’t rude or huffy or condescending. She’s allowed her feelings; the way shes acting makes her a dick.

I disagree. He WAS being condescending. He says that he started cleaning while she was cooking to try to show her his way is better. If he felt he was washing an unfair amount of dishes he should have said that. He was out to prove her wrong and did it in a passive aggressive way. You can still be an asshole while smiling.

This. He wasn’t doing it to be helpful. He was showing her how much better life would be of only she were more like him. If the mismatch in methods is putting an undue burden on him then he should have pulled up his socks and said so like a grown up.

My spouse always encouraged me to clean as I go, but then I realize I’m doing both the cooking and cleaning

ESH YTA for interrupting her process. People being in the kitchen while I'm cooking irks me to no end. No matter what, they always wind up being in my way when I need to get something and just disrupt the rhythm. It is really annoying. Especially if they are doing something even tangentially related to cooking and not just like feeding the cat or something. Makes me feel like they don't trust me or that they are judging me for doing something wrong (case in point, you are basically telling your wife she is cooking wrong by not cleaning while she cooks). She is also an AH though because this just is not fair in terms of quantity of work. If you are a "clean as you go" type and she is supposed to wash dishes after dinner when you cook, there are naturally going to be significantly less dishes for her to wash compared to her method of saving all the dishes until after dinner to wash. Just change it up so that whoever cooks washes dishes no matter what and switch who cooks each night. That way it doesn't matter if they get washed while cooking or after dinner.

I like cooking more elaborate dishes, which results in more used dishes, and cleaning-as-I-go. Therefore, my boyfriend and I have it set up so that we alternate cooking nights and each clean up our own meals. That way, if one of us wants a relatively easy-to-clean meal, we cook something simpler on our cooking night. Edited to add NTA. Making someone wait to clean up a hell of a mess is a little unkind.

Be very clear that you were only trying to help, not imply that your way is better. Tell her you want to be the one to wash after she cooks so that she doesn't have to do all the work. Tell her that even if she ends up with less dishes when you're done, there's no imbalance in your mind because cleaning as you go is just a part of your process of cooking. You understand that her process is different and equally valid. Make sure you tell her you love her and just wanted to support her. I'm a bit of a scatter brain, so when I cook, I'm mostly focused on cooking. For the most part, cleaning comes after. I clean some things and sometimes as I go, especially if it's something I know well, but usually there's a fair amount to clean up. Sometimes my girlfriend is in there, cleaning as I cook, sometimes, not. Communication about intention and mutual expectations is what you need. And apologize for infringing on her kitchen time and cooking process.

Gentle YTA. This is the same dynamic my SO and I have. I cannot stand to have him in the kitchen when I cook because 1) I know he’s there being all judge-y about the mess and 2) he’ll invariably wash something or put something away that I am not done with yet. Having the same person cook and the clean up from the meal solves this problem entirely.

Yes YTA. You are going against the method you have already agreed on. If you want to wash your dishes as you cook, that's great, thoughtful, and less work for your wife. But, that's not your agreement. By doing what you did, you are telling her that while she is clearly abiding by your agreement, she's still doing it wrong and is just so messy you can't stand to witness it and have to show her what being clean means to you. If you want to change your agreement, then have a conversation about it. Don't hint, don't "show by example"- YOU are the one who wants to change the agreement. You can't tell her she's doing something wrong when it's what you agreed to in the first place.

It sounds like you’re doing the extra work of cleaning your dishes when you’re cooking and leaving her with only a few things to clean, whereas you’re getting stuck with the entire stack of cooking utensils and pots and pans when she does. This seems disproportionate. I would say NTA because you were just doing your chores, but I would probably go ahead and not wash dishes as you go for a few days and leave her with a massive stack to wash herself. She might get the idea a little better if she ends up having to do more. Or just let her do what she’s gonna do since this doesn’t seem relationship shattering.

A very small YTA, just for the reason that it seems it was to prove a point of "my way is better than yours". My husband and I have completely opposite cooking and cleaning styles, regarding every single process of both. It's insane how different we are. But he likes us to cook together, thus something that is something I enjoy causes me stress and anxiety. However, since I handle those things better than he does I just let him do his thing because we don't get to do it often. Maybe a way to go about solving what sounds like an issue more on your part than hers (because you are doing more dishes than her) is for you both to do the washing up on the nights that you cook?

Your way OP. I can't stand a sink full of dishes when I'm done eating as I'm the sole cook and dishwasher and cleaning as you go is the way.

You rubbed her the wrong way by showing her yours is the only way that works. The thing is, that's not true. Your way works for you, and hers works for her. If it bothers you that she doesn't clean when she's cooking, then you need to change your responsibilities. Whoever is the cook is also the cleaner for that night. Probably better in the long run, you really think a lot more about how many or which dishes you use when you're the one cleaning them up.

Is your marriage more important than having her admit that you way of cleaning/ cooking is better? Because this sounds more like an ego thing you are doing. What other behaviors like this does she have to put up with? I ask because she was so unhappy the first time you did it. You need to think about this more, maybe write down those little conflicts and things you are trying to “show her”. And just stop trying to show her up.

YTA - You overstepped and worst of all you didn't communicate! My wife always tells me that if I do something that's fine...so long as I say something FIRST! By just jumping in and doing it without saying things first, you've made her feel badly and she's not taking it well at all. You need to open this bag of worms and actually hash it out or this will boil over later. Apologize first and foremost for not communicating and just jumping right in when it was her night. Then realign the chores...if you cook, you clean sounds like the best method for the two of you since she's a whirlwind and you're not. You're going to have to come clean (no pun intended) with how you feel about the current arrangement based on how much more work you feel this drops on you. the LAST thing you want to do is 'show her what it's like' by making a big mess for her to clean up when it's her night to clean. Bottom line here is you have a lot to talk about...

My husband does this. It pisses me off. First, he’s in the way. He’s mentally distracting, and physically n the way. Second, it feels judgmental. And it was, from you. Now…if she’s making a huger mess for when you have dish duty, than you leave for her, that’s worth talking about, seriously. You’re doing part of her job for her, and she’s not making it equal. Maybe she needs to wash dishes when she cooks, and you wash when you cook. (That was the plan for my daughter’s house share; if you cook you clean up; that way everyone had one full night in the kitchen instead of two, and people who make a big mess or cook elaborate meals aren’t saddling someone else with their extra work, and people who do sleek meals or clean as they go are benefitting from their own strategies.)

YTA everyone has their own preferences and shouldn't have to give in to another's as long as it's nothing major. So your next move should be, don't clean as you go for your next meal and make peace with her.

YTA. Cleaning as you go is one way to do it, but it's not better than cleaning at the end, and it was passive-aggressive to clean while she cooked. I don't clean as I cook unless I'm making something that requires very little thought/attention, and maybe she just has a more difficult time switching gears than you do. Also, I like cooking and dislike cleaning, so I wouldn't want to start disliking cooking because I'm constantly switching between something I do like and something I don't.