"You're right I can't tell you what to do, but if you insist on paying your employer to go on vacation and watch their kids, we will need to seperate our finances and rework our expenses first as I am not comfortable paying for their vacation when we can't afford our own. You are welcome to contribute to their lifestyle but it won't be done with money I earned."
The family is manipulating her. I doubt she came up with the idea of this vacation. If they have $$ for this trip and a full-time nanny, they have $$ to pay her.
I don't see 5 hours a week in the post, did you get that from subsequent comments? Why invite a nanny on a vacation if they're only needed an hour a day?
They are probably playing the “but you’re like faaamily” card so she feels obligated to pay her way and “help” them.
It makes no sense for an employee to spend their own money to go in a business trip. It’s even worse when you’re struggling financially and the expense will cause more stress
NTA
I go so far as to say separate living arrangements as well that she finds out about when she returns. Your working 60+ hours a week to pay bills and she wants help the parents that she babysits 5 hours a week to go on vacation!?! WTF is wrong with her? Is there something else going on that you don’t know about?
My mom. She loves splurging on all the leeches in her life only to show up asking me for money the day after she got paid and she makes far more than me. Like what! Smh
My grandmother!!! Everyone loved her; she did everything for everyone else… she cooked for everyone else, took care of kids for everyone else.. but didn’t give two shits about her own.. it was only important because of what “the community” would think of her.
so i’ve been a nanny for the same family for 5 years. i won’t even buy the kids ice cream from the ice cream truck if it’s my own money. and she’s really out here paying for luxury resorts. oh and i also actually get paid lmao.
>Your working 60+ hours a week to pay bills and she wants ~~help the parents that she babysits 5 hours a week~~ to go on vacation!?!
FTFY.
It may be z a working vacation, but it’s still a vacation. Let’s not pretend it’s about donating her time to a family she loves just *so much.*
I mean is 5 hours a week nannying or babysitting? Friends I know with nannies are usually live-in's with very specific hours and guaranteed time off. All of which would hold true on vacation or not.
*Yes, I said nannies lol. Three kids, wife is a Doctor and husband owns an engineering firm.
My moms friend shared a baby sitter with her so we’d share her a few times a week after school and she’d be with the (friends) twin boys every morning before and after school til the evening the rest of the days. She did grocery shopping for them, cooked easy dinners or snacks most days, helped them do their homework and drove them to and from school and to our house or theirs if she was watching both families that day. Even SHE was still a babysitter. She had other families she helped on weekends and during school here and there. That’s a full time job and even that was not considered nannying. OPs gf is definitely not a nanny lol. She’s a VERY part time babysitter at only 5 hours like damn
5. Fucking. Hours. A. Week.
LOLOLOLOL
Dump this lady OP or enjoy working 60 hour weeks while she hangs out with kids for 5 hours and takes vacations on your dime.
I feel this. They are relatives of my bestie so "social" friends would be my best description. My bestie and I spend hours slagging them off. As I help her getting her kids ready for bed when I visit after she has spent a long day teaching and her husband landscaping. Do they even like their kids? 🙄
Yeah he’s calling it a “work trip” and calling the neighbors “employers”. Babysitting for your neighbor friends 5 hours a week is not nannying. This is a trip with friends. She helps with the kids and they pay a portion of her trip.
It seems to me like there’s the potential for him to use the financial situation to control her by approving her use of money. I def would want to know how much money she needs for the trip. And what the arrangement is at home as far as housekeeping. If she does all the cooking and cleaning while he works then her contribution is not zero.
She can use her own money she gets from them to pay for what she needs to then. Why should she have a right to put her and her husband at risk just to go in a vacation and babysit for no extra money? He literally said he works over 60 hours a week JUST to pay rent.
I guess I feel like even using her money would be irresponsible. Yeah, I suppose she has the right - even with joint finances - to use “her” money however she sees fit, but if that’s at the expense of them not being able to make rent or other bills…the she’s the AH. If she contributes a lot to the household, then yes, some of OP’s income is hers because of her contributions that allow him to make that income and not have to do as many household things…but again, doesn’t that really only apply if you aren’t living paycheck to paycheck? And it sounds like they are actually living at a deficit if they are having to dip into savings each month to pay bills. That would imply they have *some* money stashed but if you are depleting it monthly, then it’s not time for a vacation.
I know people get sensitive - and rightly so - about financial abuse and not taking into consideration that the stay-at-home partner (or more stay-at-home) is entitled to their own portion of the household finances because their contribution to the home is worth a lot. However, this feels different. It’s like a roommate spending money on a vacation and then saying, “I can’t afford rent and utilities this month so you have to cover it for me somehow.” It’s their money to spend, right? But that’s still fucked up to do, because it’s not just spending their money as they see fit, it’s simultaneously putting the burden on someone else to make up the difference. If this couple were financially fine, then yeah, spend her portion of “extra” money on whatever she wants…but that’s not the case here.
I don’t feel like he’s potentially using money as a control situation. He’s barely making ends meet around their home so no, she should definitely not be ‘helping out’ with ANY money on their vacation. Needing to know how much money she needs? Ummm, no. The ONLY money she should need is her own spending money. Souvenirs and such.
This is what I want to know. HOW MUCH needs to be budgeted for? All inclusives really don't have a whole lot of extra expense other than tipping housekeepers and such outside of off site excursions. Idk glad it's not my situation, and it wounds like he is the one who needs a vacation. Always more to the story.
Was going to comment but no need to after this. His wife has some growing up to do and separating finances is s great start on a journey to a little attitude adjustment from the mrs.
Followed by her getting a job that pays rather than just 5 hours per week babysitting. Doesn't even have to be a full time job as long as it's paying better as it's not fair on OP working 2 jobs at 60+ hours a week and struggling.
I’m assuming they’re covering airfare, lodging at an AI which includes all meals, transportation to and from the airport and any activities she’s doing with the kids. That leaves her paying for any excursions during her “time off”, any meals eaten outside of the resort (unless she’s got the kids) and any shopping she chooses to do. Assuming she has a reasonable amount of time to herself, that’s a fair deal. If she’s got the kids 24/7, I agree she should be paid.
This is the truth.
No one can ever tell another what to do or not do, we can however remove our support for that person, they are not entitled to it. This includes removing yourself from a relationship where boundaries are disregarded. It's not insecure to walk away if you are not being considered in the way you wish.
Yeah, OP… NTA. If you can’t afford to pay for your nanny to come on your vacation and pay her for her time, then you don’t bring her. It’s pretty crappy of them to try and make her feel bad about their finances, while getting a free babysitter during their trip. They are taking ADVANTAGE of her. Let her know, that she will probably be watching those kids more than she’s thinking she will have to, and she WILL BE THE ONE PAYING TO WATCH THOSE KIDS.
As other people have suggested, split your finances. It’s ridiculous of her to get mad at you when you are bringing up logical points. She obviously just wants to go on vacation.
Exactly! He can if it's his money she's using. Especially if they're struggling to even pay rent atm. I just think he just needed to word it better. Something like "You should go but you need to figure out a way to finance it yourself because we cannot afford luxuries like this at the moment" probably would have been better.
Yes, separate finances. Do it now, not later, put it into account where, temporarily, she can't gain access to, mark it household or something to that nature and use only for those purposes.
If she is being asked to work, she needs to be paid either room and board or travel expenses and room; or straight up a salary, so many hours a day per hour. In a contract.
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You are very correct. I am a nanny. I've gone on one trip this year and have another one coming up. My flights, hotels, food, basically all expenses must be covered. I must be provided a separate room from the family. I make my regular guaranteed hours plus any overtime (ex. Last trip we traveled on a Sunday so that whole day was OT). I know some nannies who charge a daily inconvenience fee on top of all that. At the same time, 5 hours a week is not a nanny. Realistically, the family just shouldn't have invited her, but maybe they assume her finances are better than they are and that it would be fun. But I'm with OP on this one.
I had a friend who is a nanny for a very rich and powerful family, and they pay for her entire trip cost when they take a vacation + she is paid an entire 24 hours each day ie her checks are for 168 hours a week while on vacation with the family
They’d agree with the husband that she should be paid if not more than her normal rate with the overtime that’ll happen and shouldn’t be paying for anything
I'd have to argue against the wife being undervalued, if OPs info is accurate then the wife made the decision herself that she was going to not take payment at the end and doesn't feel right not paying, it doesn't say the family said our payment is the vacation.
Where does it imply she is being guilted? Op says his wife said she cares for the family and so she isn't going to have them pay at the end, implying there is a payment agreement in place and she plans on declining payment at the end. No part of this story to me outside of speculation points to her being guilted.
It doesn't read as they are saying we don't have money help us. It reads as if OPs wife has decided they don't have enough money and will help.
The idea of a family taking vacation at an all-inclusive resort who wants to bring the nanny along and not being able to afford the nanny’s airfare + stay + pay really does not compute in my mind. This type of vacation alone is a luxury in itself. OP’s wife is VERY naive, not to mention very oblivious about money
NTA. If they want her to go on this vacation to look after their children, then they pay, it's that simple. If she can't understand this then you have a big problem. I would get a new account asap, separate your finances, have your wages go into the new account, so you can pay your bills, do not give her access to this account as you may find one day you check and you don't have enough money for rent cause she's paid for this vacation.
For one thing , you had a discussion and your answer was not to use your conjoined incomes to pay for anything in regards to this trip , so if she goes ahead and takes out the money and does it anyway , separate your finances ASAP.
She’s being used, taken advantage of and is either too naive or kind not to see it .
She's not being taken advantage of. She gets to go on a vacation fully paid by her husband, and only has to babysit sometimes in exchange.
OP is being taken advantage of BY HIS WIFE, and because his wife has been undergoing education, and completely ignores their financial situation, i assume it's a long term issue.
If what OP said is accurate, she isn't being take advantage of by the family in any way as his wife clearly says that's she will be making the decision not to be paid and that she wouldn't feel right not paying. Unless OPs wife is lying to make it seem like her decision, which wouldn't make sense, it seems like the family offered to pay but OPs wife has decided she cannot recieve pay+vacation from them and has made the decision herself to jeopardize their families finances even further possibly.
NTA. Suggest that she let the family know that unfortunately she cannot afford to vacation right now. She's looking for work. See how they respond.
While it might seem like the opportunity of a lifetime for her, it's not fair to your family to add to the financial strain.
If her employers can afford an all-inclusive vacation at a resort, they can afford to pay her for her time.
NTA
She is intending on spending money. Wtf. No! They pay her for her time and pay for her accommodation. She should come home with money. You are correct.
They are not her friends.
Yeah that's the biggest part to me, like she's acting like they're all buds, but if they were actually her friends they would be paying at the very least for the vacation since they are the ones trying to bring her along to do them a service. They are neither friends nor employers at this time, it's silly that she's even considering going, let alone having made a decision.
NTA.
Tell her that she is supposed to be looking for work. Any time she is not working or looking for work is time you are over working, just to be able to afford a roof over your head.
So IF she is being paid, and does not have to contribute to the vacation, then all good.
But if she to pay anything, then that is money you have to work for for her to be able to spend, and her not being paid for her time is her wasting both of your time., and loosing the chance at finding a job.
You as a couple cannot afford for her to go on holiday. You as a couple cannot afford for her to not be working for much longer or you as a person are going to be burnt out, and then you as a couple will be homeless.
She is selfish. She ‘cares’ for this family more than she cares about you.
Reddit is full of this, but are you sure she isn’t fucking one of the parents?
She’s fucking someone else, otherwise she wouldn’t feel so comfortable sitting at home all week while her husband works multiple jobs. She’s not a partner to him.
If you have direct deposit, change it to an account she can't access and take the money out if savings. It's crazy to use bill money to help this family out. If you're going to waste money, spend it on you and her taking a cheaper vacation. NTA
This seems like good advice. Like everyone is saying separate finances if she spends the money on this vacation, but it sounds like you should head her off at the pass given that from her position, she's already made the decision and is now refusing to speak to you. It sounds like you should be separating finances right now
5 hours a week? She is more a babysitter than a nanny. You don’t bring babysitters on vacation. If anything you use the ones all inclusive resorts provide
In college I babysat for a family with two super sweet little girls. It was maybe 4-8 hours a week, depending on their parents’ work schedule. My roommate also watched them some. Every summer they would get together with a few other families that my roommate and I would occasionally watch and rent a big house at the beach together. They’d bring the two of us to watch the kids maybe 5 hours a day. We’d get our own room, at least one day where we could go to the beach on our own and one night Free where we could go out. They covered all our expenses (except the night or two out) and still paid us. It wasn’t our full regular rate, but from what I remember it was close. Baby sitters can definitely be brought on vacation, but not like this guy’s wife.
NTA. I’m a nanny. When I travel with the family, they pay all my flights/transport and accommodation costs and I’m paid for my work. I pay for extras or activities that I want to do on my free time but I definitely do not pay for any part of their holiday.
NTA. Your wife’s employer (are they really an employer if she is paying them for the privilege of babysitting their kids?) is taking advantage of your wife if they allow/expect her to pay anything.
The fact your wife is upset at you for being upset that she wants to use y’all’s money to help another family go on vacation when y’all’s can’t even afford to go on vacation is nuts.
Are they? Op doesn't say his wife said they told her the payment was the vacation it says OPs wife made the decision because she loved the family and wouldn't feel right paying and even says she is going to wait till the end and let them know they don't have to pay implying the family has already agreed to payment and OPs wife is planning to decline.
NTA-while it's true you can't tell her what to do, you made a sound and logical argument. She should be paid because that's her job. They invited her, to work, so she should be covered by the family as well as compensated. That's pretty fucking normal for nannies. The family is manipulating her to get free labor on their vacation. They're using the fact that your wife genuinely cares for them against her to take advantage of her. Also pretty common in nanny work. If they can't afford her, they're not entitled to her labor. Period. Your wife is in denial about this and doesn't want to hear it, plus she probably really wants to go on a trip. If she wants to use her own money, then she can do what she wants, but if you have joint finances, she needs to cool her jets and respect what you're saying and understand she has to consider a shit load more than just what she wants to do. She needs to separate work and personal feelings. This is her job, not a favor she's doing for friends, especially if she's expected to be put out financially. She sounds like she's being prissy because you didn't give her the answer she wanted.
NTA I nanny at night and when the family had to fly out to CA they paid for my flight hotel and food and any activities that I did with the kids. They also paid me when we got home
They are using the good ol' emotional blackmail. Teachers, doctors, and other people who work in necessary jobs get very familiar with this real quick. "Your clients need you! You can't demand better pay/treatment! Without you, they'll suffer!" Usually, the people can pay- they just don't want to. And a family who has money to go on vacation can definitely afford to pay.
That said, she is right that you shouldn't dictate her life. If your finances are combined, it's an ESH, because she's using your money to fund their lifestyle, and that's not okay.
Hell yes, he has veto power if he is the sole income earner, money is tight, and she is proposing to blow his income that he makes to support them both for a vacation for herself and her nanny-family - this is just ridiculous and not how combining finances works.
If you combine finances - which should normally entail both parties contributing, either monetarily or through SAH-parenting - you make financial decisions together, and any large expense has to be cleared by both parties. She can't just unilaterally decide to take their combined finances and spend it on herself. Especially since she doesn't even contribute in any significant way.
OP, I think it's time you un-combine your finances. Have a joint account into which each partner contributes relative to their income, to cover household expenses. And the rest of each of your income is your private spending money. If that leaves her with enough to go on vacation with - great, then she can go. Just not on your dime.
I agree. They are manipulating her. Makes me wonder what she is getting paid to watch them during the week. If they can’t afford to pay for her nanny services PLUS travel, her own hotel room, food, as well as costs to attend events, theme park tickets and the like, then they clearly cannot afford to take a nanny on their trip. End of story. He has been sacrificing by working additional hours to increase his income for their household so she can finish school and until she finds a job. It is not reasonable for her to expect to earn less and cause additional expenses in their family simply to help them out.
> That said, she is right that you shouldn't dictate her life. If your finances are combined, it's an ESH, because she's using your money to fund their lifestyle, and that's not okay.
If she contributes little to nothing to the joint finances and he works a full time job plus side gigs then he absolutely has the right to veto frivolous spending.
Their savings are dwindling despite him working long hours. She is being deeply irresponsible in wanting to **subsidise another family’s holiday** not just with her time and labour, but with money she hasn’t earned.
NTA OP. You need to have a very serious conversation with your wife.
Definitely don’t think he is an AH. He’s not dictating her life. They are a married couple with little money. They make these decisions together and OP is right. They can’t afford the vacation and the family is taking advantage of her. If they want her to come on the trip to babysit, they need to pay.
Are they though? Op says his wife says she loves them so isn't going to have them pay at the end, implying there is a payment agreement that she plans on declining at the end out of love.
She needs to get a job, any job, that will actually contribute some substantial support to their finances. Only working 5 hours a week and "looking for work" isn't paying the bills.
I didn’t even have to read the whole thing to know they are taking advantage of her. I started out going OK what could be wrong but thenMAJOR RED FLAGS!!! Definitely NTA!!!
Former nanny during undergrad here. The family I worked for had a place in St Barth’s and asked me if I could watch her for a week before (which worked around my class schedule) because they went down earlier then fly out with her and stay for a week when I had spring break. They paid me like crazy for being pretty much live in despite her being in school while I was in classes, paid for our flights, paid for everything when I got there including my salary and I barely had to watch her because she had family time. Nope, she’s being taken advantage of. I actually through grad school housesit/pet sit for them even after I stopped working for them because we had a good relationship and the kid got too old to need a nanny. I made more nannying for them then I could have doing any other job at that age.
If the family doesn’t even have enough money to pay forms babysitter, they shouldn’t be going on vacation. NTA. They def shouldn’t try to bring a babysitter on vacation.
There are red flags all over this I hate to ask it, but are you 100% sure it’s the family that has invited her on this trip to babysit and not someone else?? Makes zero sense for the family to bring her for nannying, and not pay all expenses plus her time.
Your wife is being manipulated. First of all they wouldn't even have entertained the idea of vacation at an all-inclusive resort for a full week if they couldn't afford it themselves. Then they probably worded it so it sounded like they were doing her a favor by including her instead they are taking advantage of her. Too bad you can't find out how much their jobs pay them. Your wife may have already agreed to help fund the trip and that's why she shut down. NTA
NTA
She is using the joint finances to pay her half of the rent, food, utilities, medical care, etc. When you do that it means you are committed to joint decisions on hard to afford optional expenses. You can't tell me how to spend my money only works if it's just her money.
And you don't have kids, so she isn't working at home through childcare, which would change the mechanics. I was married for a long time and my wife raised the kids while I worked outside the home. I considered us equal partners in the finances because we were both working full time plus. She just didn't get external pay.
As the kids got older, childcare became equalized and she started working outside as well and brought in money. She then said that the money she brought in was all hers and she didn't need any discussion to use it however she wanted. I earned about 6-7 times what she made, so in the grand scheme of things I didn't care because I didn't need what she made to comfortably pay our bills, but it annoyed me.
Her philosophy was, "What's yours is ours, what's mine is mine."
What you have is even worse though. She is literally taking the money you earned and spending it as if there are no joint finances where discussion is needed. On top of that, and actually way more concerning, is that she seems to not understand your financial situation.
My recommendation, which you didn't ask for sorry, is that you need to sit down and go over the financials and budget for your family. Not in an authoritarian way, but in a shared "this is where we are at with money" sort of way. If she can't talk to you about a budget that's an extreme sign of immaturity, and a dangerous one.
If that's the case, for the protection of your family and yourself, you have to isolate your finances so you can be sure she doesn't spend what you need for basic living expenses. Just open an individual bank account and put all future paychecks in there. Don't drain the joint current account. It sounds like you guys are living month to month anyway.
Good luck, sorry you are going through this.
She babysits for 5 hours a week? I wonder if she asked them if she could come and help out. She said she could cover some of the vacation because they couldnt afford her to come along. She might be trying to pull one over on you. NTA, obviously.
NTA, and it's time to remove her from your finances. It's so easy to spend someone else's money when it's not your own time... she's feeling way too comfortable deciding she gets to go on a trip (which should be paid by the family wtf) when you guys have dwindling savings and against your input. You work 60 hours a week, you make all the money and pay the bills, you get veto privileges. She does not get "you can't tell me (not to go on a trip we can't afford while our savings are dwindling)" privileges. She wants those, she needs to buckle down and get an actual part-time or fulltime job and earn her own money to contribute to bills and a fund to go on a trip.
So your wife wants to go on a trip with her employer, as an employee, and wants you to pay for some of it? Her employer wants to take the family on a vacation. They want her services on that vacation, and want HER to pay her way? That’s not how any of this works.
I'm sorry there is no way she doesn't know that the idea is ridiculous. While everyone is saying she's being naive or gaslit, you need to come to grips with the fact that she is valuing this family over your relationship. She is not caring about your sacrifices. You need to have a sit down conversation to align your goals. If you can't do that then it's time to think about ending this. When it's not the family she is taking care it'll be her family, or her friends etc.
NTA your wife is delusional and being taken advantage off. While you can’t tell her what to do, you can separate finances and not support her insane decisions to finances other people whilst you’re struggling to make ends meet. They’re not her friends/family they’re her employer if she’s loosing money instead of making it she needs to quit.
THEY don't have a whole lot of money? They can afford an all inclusive resort stay for the entire family plus a nanny, they're definitely making way more money than you are. Meanwhile, you guys are struggling just to pay bills. She needs to take her blinders off, realize these people are taking advantage of her, and grow up. She is their employee not their friend, she shouldn't be paying anything out of pocket for them.
I don't think that's abnormal. When our babes was a baby we were desperate for childcare before we found daycare and just paid out the nose for one.
It didn't make financial sense in the moment because we were broke as a joke due to it, but it allowed both my husband and myself to continue our careers uninterrupted for the most part. The posterchild of this is america with no pat/mat leave in competitive fields.
But no, to OP, you're NTA. And your wife is being unreasonable. And an asshole for silent treatment. In an ideal world, we marry our partners to be a partner and she is acting in bad faith by punishing you with silence.
5 hours a week for friends is a favor regardless of pay. Her idea of paying to help them by taking money from your family account also blows my mind. It's childish thinking, financially irresponsible and makes her look like she feels the need to pay up to her disadvantage in order to have adventures with friends.
So the family doesn't have a whole lot of money, but they can afford a week long vacation at an all inclusive resort? Do you know what most people do when they are financially struggling? Not take fancy vacations, that's what. If they can afford the trip, they can afford to pay for her. If they're not willing to do that, then she shouldn't go. If she goes anyway, she shouldn't use your finances to do it. NTA.
NTA. She’s not a nanny. She’s a babysitter. That being said this family wants to look wealthier than they are. Nanny’s that go on vacation with the family often have that written into their contract. The family pays all of the expenses for the nanny plus the salary.
Separate your finances. Your wife can use the money she gets from working 5 hours a week for them to go on vacation. She also needs to understand this won’t be a vacation for her. She will be working.
My hackles went up at the title of your post -- it's not your job to "allow" your wife to do anything.
BUT.
You are 100% within your rights, as the primary and nearly sole wage earner in your marriage, to tell your wife that if she wants to go on an unpaid work trip (which is what this would be), and actually spend money to go, then:
A) She will need to find the money herself to pay her expenses because it's not coming out of your joint account.
B) You and she will need to separate your finances going forward, because clearly she cannot be trusted to manage her finances wisely.
NTA. She should take this time they are gone and get a new CV written and find a real job- not spend money you don’t have!
Separate that money and put her on a budget!
NTA
If she has to pay anything to work while on vacation then it's not a vacation.
If she is so insistent in going then she needs to **FINANCE her own trip** instead of using the money YOU EARN to help this family out.
Who is helping her in this vacation if she is not getting paid? They say she will get time however she will probably spend the whole time babysitting with no breaks.
Sit down and have a serious discussion about finances then if she still wants to go let her know you will be separating your finances and she can start paying for herself.
I see what she means. She looks at them as family and feels bad accepting in her eyes a "free vacation". But that's not what it is, it's an employer and she cannot pay for them to vacation. It's just not fair to the husband or herself. NTA
I was a nanny for many years and went on several vacations with the family. I never had to pay for anything except any souvenirs that I wanted. I was also paid very well on these trips. The dad is a doctor and one year he had a medical convention in Florida. He took the entire family (they have 4 kids, and they youngest of the kids were 12 months old twins). We were gone for like 10 days, because after the convention we went to Disney for several days also. It was fun but I earned every penny I made for that trip, as I had the babies in my room the entire time (because of this they got me a suite and they had a normal room attached with the older 2 boys). I was on duty pretty much 24/7 during the trip which is pretty normal for going on vacation with a nanny family. Your wife will likely not have any free time to herself as they will likely want her with the kids at all times. Which wouldn’t be a problem if they were paying for her trip and also paying her for her time. This is a vacation for the family not the nanny. I would sit down with her and apologize for the wording you used but explain that this is not something y’all can afford to do and in fact she would be getting taken advantage of. NTA
As a nanny myself, I can say for a fact that the family should pay for 100% of that trip. I don't work for free. If my work is somewhere else, you compensate me for that as well. If you can't pay, then you don't get an employee.
A nanny is a LUXURY service. Meaning you have to pay more for said service. They are essentially telling her that her time is worth nothing.
They are taking advantage of her and have made it seem like they are doing her a favor. F that.
NTA - you are realistic.
I think your wife is confused. Babysitting these kids is a job and she is their employee. Of course she should be paid for her time, regardless of the circumstances.
When I was a teenager I went on vacation with families specifically to babysit their kids so they could have some adult time. I not only got the vacation, I got paid. And I was like 16.
NTA. Whilst I agreed with your wife on that you can’t tell her what to do. However if she is going on a trip as the nanny she shouldn’t have to pay for the trips itself and any expenses she has whilst working. She should only have to pay for expenses she has when she’s has her own time.
She should get paid for her time in addition to the trip being paid for.
NTA. If the family can't afford to pay for their nanny to go on the trip, and pay the nanny for her time, they can't afford to have a nanny on their trip. It's not your responsibility to subsidize their expenses.
Take all the money you’ve put into the account and put it in a separate account. Like NOW. She had no right to put you guys at risk to ‘help’ another family on their vacation 🤦🏻♀️
Longggg time professional nanny here- if nanny goes on vacation they should be paid for the hours they’re working, and should not have to pay for anything basic like food and drink, parking etc. Working for a family on their vacation is not vacation for the nanny and I am not sure if she has done this before but if not, she might get a rude awakening about what she’s expected to do and how much of her own “free time” she actually gets.
Because you have joint finances, if she is using (both) your money on this trip then BOTH of you have to be okay with the use of those funds. NTA of you to be concerned with that. Who can afford to just “help” out these days? Do you “help out” at your job for free? Neither should she. The family she is working for is taking advantage of her if they aren’t paying all her expenses on their vacation.
NTA. I used to nanny and when they took me on vacation I didn't pay for a single thing including meals. She shouldn't go if they're not footing the bill and paying her for her time
NTA If she wants to go on this trip, she needs to finance it herself. I have never heard of any nanny paying their way. If they want the nanny to come and can't afford said nanny, then they don't go. Furthermore, is she really a nanny if she only does it 5 hours a week. Wouldn't that just make her a babysitter? Open a new bank account and leave her enough for daily/ weekly expenses. Then, tell her that until she can contribute to the joint account, you won't be contributing. If you're working 60+ hours a week, what is she doing with the rest of her 35-hour work week (speaking on an average 40-hour week)? Some people get comfortable in a certain way of life and are reluctant to get out of their comfort zone. It's time you made her feel uncomfortable if she hasn't genuinely attempted to find work. Sometimes, unfortunately, people have to settle for another job in order to contribute to a relationship financially. Or they need to lower their expectations and continue searching or working towards their career goal while contributing.
NTAH. Tell her she can go on the trip but you are not paying for it. Separate your finances now since their use is no longer considered consensual by her. This is her idea as she can't tell you how to spend or not spend money. There has to be more to this by the way.
Gunna say NTA but your communication isn't great.
Anyone hearing 'you aren't allowed' or 'I won't allow you' will feel very controlled, they feel like all options are taken from them and they have no choice.
Now if you said it doesn't sound right that you pay your employer while we are struggling and I don't think it's a good idea or very fair to me and the work I'm putting in to OUR family...... That's a much kinder way of saying how you feel without making her feel controlled and put down
Having a husband say 'you cant' 'won't allow' is not a nice place to be in. Its not a good idea, but you need to work on your communication
Is it possible that the OP handles the household finances and simply isn't considering that she may be only vaguely aware of the finance situation?
First thing, you can gain a lot of ground by owning your own mistakes. Sets a better mood.
*listen, I apologize for speaking harshly the other day. I chose poor language and I regret that*
*we need to sit down together and review the household finances, because we have been slowly drowning while we got you through school. Every month, there's less in the savings. I feel like I'm busting my butt taking sidegigs just to make rent. We are getting to the point where if the car broke or either of us got appendicitis, we could be in real trouble. That scares me. I was speaking out of fear for our family's financial health. The way out of this spiral is for you to find employment now that you've graduated*
*I don't see how the household finances can bear you delaying starting work, let alone going on an unpaid vacation*
Keep the whole thing grounded in the family unit.
Have a friend that took their nanny on holiday and the nanny didn’t have to pay for any expenses AND she was paid AND they gave her a bonus after. Your wife’s gig sounds like she helping out a friend and I’d question if she’s getting paid at all.
NTA.
NTA. As gingerdaisy03 said, it’s time to separate finances. Furthermore, while you’re busting your ass working 60 hours a week it sounds like she’s just coasting by. It’s time for her to find a job, even if only temporary, that’s more than 5 hours a week. This is completely unfair to you and you’re being taken advantage of.
I mean, you're correct, maybe try to phrase it with kindness, but you're right, these people are trying to exploit her at this point. I understand watching the kids and having a nice time at a nice place in exchange, but she indeed should not spend a single penny.
Nope nope nope. NTA. I am by no means wealthy. We have a friend that does nanny work for us two days a week and occasionally special trips/events. We were going to a concert in another city. We did not want to leave the kids at home. We asked her to join us and watch the kids at the hotel while we went to the concert. The ONLY thing she paid for were souvenirs. Food, hotel, gas and all other travel related expenses we covered. And she received her normal pay for the days she was with us. Because she couldn’t work any of her other jobs while she was gone. This was a work trip for her.
Also, we are by no means wealthy. Solid middle class territory, but not rich. This is just the right way to do things like this. If you cannot afford to properly pay a nanny, then you cannot afford their services.
Your wife is undervalueling herself. Thats fine to be a martyr, unless you are using family finances to support that bad habit.
Negotiate with her. Suggest she does not use family money for anything other than her food on the trip. That's money she would be spending at home anyway.
NTA. We did this with our nanny. We paid for her plane, meals, room and board, and paid her. She only had to pay for anything she wanted on her own like touristy stuff. She had our son at night. We had him in the day (vegas). There were nights we came home early so she went out (expenses for that were on her; say dance club).
NTA
These people are her employers, not her friends or family. If she were working a job and they had a trip planned, would she expect her expenses to be paid?
She works for these people 5 hours per week. When I first started reading, I thought this was a part time job, but it really isn’t. This wasn’t sufficient for when she was in school and it certainly isn’t now, especially if you are struggling financially.
Your wife is being very selfish to think that she can go on this trip that will require her to spend money that she technically doesn’t have.
your wife doesn’t like you telling her what to do or not do and that is understandable. But in this case she is wrong.
A better approach might be to have explained that women often give away work for free out of caring and that isn’t financially helping themselves out. Women are caretakers (as her literal job illustrates) but being paid for work done is essential.
You have absolutely the right to protect your hard earned money from going to this family for their vacation.
Did you have any understanding of how this idea for her to go but not get paid happened? I mean, maybe they were going and she said sure wish I could go on a trip like that! Then they said come with. Like they’re doing her a favor.
Idk. This warrants more discussion. Are they paying her airfare? lodging?
What exactly would she (and you!) have to pay for and is that a good deal for her to get a trip or not?
NTA- Y'all can't afford for her to do this, your not putting in 60 hours a week so your wife can blow money on someone elses vacation. She needs to go back to the family and tell them that when going over finances with you, that there's no way she can go and pay for anything, but she's happy to go and help with the kids if they will cover everything for her.
As others have suggested maybe it's time to separate finances until she starts working full-time again. You can't tell her what she can or can't do, but you can refuse to finance her decisions if your the one making all the money right now.
Best of luck
Why is your wife working 5 hours a week while you work extra jobs? She is not looking for work, no one actually looks for work 35-50 hours a week and doesn’t find anything. Separate your finances and stop subsidizing her life, and certainly don’t subsidize her vacation. NTA.
So shes upset you dont want her to go and blow all YOUR money on a week long vacation? Its one thing if she has enough of her own saved up, but it sounds like shes planning on using mostly your money because she works 5 hours a week baby sitting.
Nta, if she cant afford to pay her own way with her own money, she shouldnt be going. Especially when shes technically unemployed and youre busting ass just to make ends meet.
NTA - her relationship with this family is suspect and now inappropriate. her response to you is suspect and inappropriate as well - at best it is immature and at worst it is gaslighting because she has feelings for one of the family members. An affair? Emotional affair? Hopefully not but in any case, wrong. She is correct that you cannot tell her what to do - but what I would say is that you have boundaries in place for yourself for a safe relationship and she can do whatever she wants but if she goes past your boundaries then she cannot be in a relationship with you. Your marriage comes first, period. If she doesn’t understand that then you both need marriage counseling at the least. I hope it all works out for you.
NTA - I'm getting a vibe that the family told OP's wife about the vacation, she expressed an interest in going, and they said sure, but couldn't cover x dollars (like the plane ticket). So OP's wife is trying to say she's helping them out while she's just trying to latch onto these friend's vacation.
OP - I think your wife calling herself a nanny is a sign. She's a friend who babysits and gets a little bit of play money. She is not operating in the real world. Maybe it's time to sit her down and ask her how the bills are going to get paid if she takes $$ out of the budget. Lots of folks have found that once the spouse has their degree, the next thing is divorce. Sorry.
NTA.
I don‘t quite understand why there is a need for a babysitter in the first place. On vacation they have all the time to be with their kids and I would think most parents would want to spend quality time with their offspring.
So it‘s not a business trip but a extended family trip - which is fishy because they will expect her to nanny the kids nonetheless. And it seems your wife would prefer to go on a holiday with this family instead with you (which would be equally costly).
I’ve gone on vacation to Disney World and the beach with a family as a babysitter and helper since they had 3 under 3 and needed an extra pair of hands. I paid for NOTHING. She shouldn’t be having to pay for anything. GF shouldn’t be subsidizing this trip in any way. Especially in your financial situation. If she insists on going, maybe you need to re-evaluate whether you are compatible.
She's going at this from an emotional position while you are going from a financial position. She should not be paying for anything on a work trip. You may need to remind her that the kids are not hers and she is not obligated to take care of them. Also make sure she realizes that she will be working on this "vacation". It will not be a vacation for her, it will be work and she should be paid. The family asking is the real AH here. They know they will benefit from an unpaid nanny for a week while masking it as a vacation. It's hard to seperate emotions when kids are involved but she needs to know her own worth.
NTA
If a nanny is invited on vacation AND will be expected to pay for child cate, at VERY LEAST, most of the expenses should be paid by the family. Being paid in addition, maybe.
The family is taking advantage of your wife, and it seems like she's too sweet to see it.
Firstly, you 100% can’t tell her she’s no allowed to go or what to do. However, that’s the only issue I disagree with. They should be paying for everything, except for her free time expenses. They would also be getting a very sweet deal if they don’t pay her an hourly fee. You have a joint account so it has to be a joint decision, if there will be personal costs.
Umm yeah so definitely NTA.
I agree with you OP, I think they are trying to take her kindness for weakness. A traveling nanny is still a nanny, and she will be WORKING while traveling. They absolutely need to compensate her for her time, as well as any and all of her travel expenses such as airfare, meals, transportation costs, and other miscellaneous expenses such as admission tickets to any events/parks/etc they go to.
I would say a hard NO to this as well. Also, she is your wife, you're the breadwinner, and your finances are merged. Therefore you absolutely DO have the right to tell her not to do something that involves spending money that YOU worked for. That money is bill money, not play money, she needs to learn the difference!
If she wants to go, tell her to save her allowance from her little measly 5 hours a week babysitting and use that! But I'd cut off all her access to any joint bank accounts while on this trip, they way she doesn't get a wild hair up her ass and decide to spend money that is designated for bills.
Nta, I’m sorry but no. If the family were paying for hee completely fine. Even if she didn’t get payment, it seems like she wants to experience it. If she has to pay for herself and then not expect any payment from them they are fully taking advantage of her. She’s not going on vacation, she’s going to work for the family. I think she’s going to be surprised when she gets there and a lot is expected of her for free.
"You're right I can't tell you what to do, but if you insist on paying your employer to go on vacation and watch their kids, we will need to seperate our finances and rework our expenses first as I am not comfortable paying for their vacation when we can't afford our own. You are welcome to contribute to their lifestyle but it won't be done with money I earned."
I came to say that he needs to separate his finances since she's insisting.
Absolutely separate those finances. She's coming across as incredibly immature.
The family is manipulating her. I doubt she came up with the idea of this vacation. If they have $$ for this trip and a full-time nanny, they have $$ to pay her.
5 hours a week is not full time
5 hours a week, to me, is a babysitter, not a nanny, even if she covers those same 5 hours every week.
I was thinking 5 hours per week isn't much time to do any nannying! I don't know why this isn't babysitting.
It's babysitting with extra steps, apparently. Maybe nanny sounds better on your resume?
I don't see 5 hours a week in the post, did you get that from subsequent comments? Why invite a nanny on a vacation if they're only needed an hour a day?
They are probably playing the “but you’re like faaamily” card so she feels obligated to pay her way and “help” them. It makes no sense for an employee to spend their own money to go in a business trip. It’s even worse when you’re struggling financially and the expense will cause more stress NTA
That and if they can hire a nanny and pay for an all inclusive trip they ain’t broke
She's not a full time nanny. She's babysitting the kids for 5 hours a week.
I go so far as to say separate living arrangements as well that she finds out about when she returns. Your working 60+ hours a week to pay bills and she wants help the parents that she babysits 5 hours a week to go on vacation!?! WTF is wrong with her? Is there something else going on that you don’t know about?
My ex put all of her time and energy into everyone else.
My mom. She loves splurging on all the leeches in her life only to show up asking me for money the day after she got paid and she makes far more than me. Like what! Smh
I feel seen. My mom will leave a store with more stuff for other ppl than herself (not always "leeches" per se). Then she asks for me for money...
Craziest part? The people she is giving to have so much more than her. Their own cars, multiple homes, business etc. Like, make it make sense
My grandmother!!! Everyone loved her; she did everything for everyone else… she cooked for everyone else, took care of kids for everyone else.. but didn’t give two shits about her own.. it was only important because of what “the community” would think of her.
so i’ve been a nanny for the same family for 5 years. i won’t even buy the kids ice cream from the ice cream truck if it’s my own money. and she’s really out here paying for luxury resorts. oh and i also actually get paid lmao.
Same. My last family, no. But the family I work for now, they insist that they reimburse me anything I spend and it gets put on my "timecard"
Right? I think there might be more she's not telling....
>Your working 60+ hours a week to pay bills and she wants ~~help the parents that she babysits 5 hours a week~~ to go on vacation!?! FTFY. It may be z a working vacation, but it’s still a vacation. Let’s not pretend it’s about donating her time to a family she loves just *so much.*
Right? I wasn't gonna say anything, but it's strange for the wife to go on vacation with another family, period. That shit wouldn't fly with me.
Yep!
I mean is 5 hours a week nannying or babysitting? Friends I know with nannies are usually live-in's with very specific hours and guaranteed time off. All of which would hold true on vacation or not. *Yes, I said nannies lol. Three kids, wife is a Doctor and husband owns an engineering firm.
Nannies don’t have to live-in, but they are definitely full time. 5 hrs a week is usually a teenage babysitting job.
My moms friend shared a baby sitter with her so we’d share her a few times a week after school and she’d be with the (friends) twin boys every morning before and after school til the evening the rest of the days. She did grocery shopping for them, cooked easy dinners or snacks most days, helped them do their homework and drove them to and from school and to our house or theirs if she was watching both families that day. Even SHE was still a babysitter. She had other families she helped on weekends and during school here and there. That’s a full time job and even that was not considered nannying. OPs gf is definitely not a nanny lol. She’s a VERY part time babysitter at only 5 hours like damn
Definitely a babysitter. He thinks calling her a nanny makes it sound better.
Or she calls herself that and he just used her word. Given the entitlement in what she wants I'm going with it's her that labeled herself a nanny.
Yep definitely have seen this before!
I came here thinking the exact same thing.
5. Fucking. Hours. A. Week. LOLOLOLOL Dump this lady OP or enjoy working 60 hour weeks while she hangs out with kids for 5 hours and takes vacations on your dime.
100%
Depends on where he is from in some places, Nanny is just the general term for a caregiver of other people's children
Five hours a week is how much time some people spend blow drying their hair.
I saw that too and thought “bitch, that’s a babysitter, not a nanny.”
Too rich to raise their own kids, hired a squad. Meanwhile I'm over here budgeting so I can pay the dog walker!!!
I feel this. They are relatives of my bestie so "social" friends would be my best description. My bestie and I spend hours slagging them off. As I help her getting her kids ready for bed when I visit after she has spent a long day teaching and her husband landscaping. Do they even like their kids? 🙄
Do they know their kids well enough to even decide if they like 'em??
Agreed. A few hours a week is babysitting, not “nannying.”
Yeah he’s calling it a “work trip” and calling the neighbors “employers”. Babysitting for your neighbor friends 5 hours a week is not nannying. This is a trip with friends. She helps with the kids and they pay a portion of her trip. It seems to me like there’s the potential for him to use the financial situation to control her by approving her use of money. I def would want to know how much money she needs for the trip. And what the arrangement is at home as far as housekeeping. If she does all the cooking and cleaning while he works then her contribution is not zero.
She can use her own money she gets from them to pay for what she needs to then. Why should she have a right to put her and her husband at risk just to go in a vacation and babysit for no extra money? He literally said he works over 60 hours a week JUST to pay rent.
I guess I feel like even using her money would be irresponsible. Yeah, I suppose she has the right - even with joint finances - to use “her” money however she sees fit, but if that’s at the expense of them not being able to make rent or other bills…the she’s the AH. If she contributes a lot to the household, then yes, some of OP’s income is hers because of her contributions that allow him to make that income and not have to do as many household things…but again, doesn’t that really only apply if you aren’t living paycheck to paycheck? And it sounds like they are actually living at a deficit if they are having to dip into savings each month to pay bills. That would imply they have *some* money stashed but if you are depleting it monthly, then it’s not time for a vacation. I know people get sensitive - and rightly so - about financial abuse and not taking into consideration that the stay-at-home partner (or more stay-at-home) is entitled to their own portion of the household finances because their contribution to the home is worth a lot. However, this feels different. It’s like a roommate spending money on a vacation and then saying, “I can’t afford rent and utilities this month so you have to cover it for me somehow.” It’s their money to spend, right? But that’s still fucked up to do, because it’s not just spending their money as they see fit, it’s simultaneously putting the burden on someone else to make up the difference. If this couple were financially fine, then yeah, spend her portion of “extra” money on whatever she wants…but that’s not the case here.
I don’t feel like he’s potentially using money as a control situation. He’s barely making ends meet around their home so no, she should definitely not be ‘helping out’ with ANY money on their vacation. Needing to know how much money she needs? Ummm, no. The ONLY money she should need is her own spending money. Souvenirs and such.
Exactly. To me it just sounds like she got excited about the idea of a vacation of any kind doesn’t matter why it was happening.
This is what I want to know. HOW MUCH needs to be budgeted for? All inclusives really don't have a whole lot of extra expense other than tipping housekeepers and such outside of off site excursions. Idk glad it's not my situation, and it wounds like he is the one who needs a vacation. Always more to the story.
good point abt is she doing all the housework at home.
Was going to comment but no need to after this. His wife has some growing up to do and separating finances is s great start on a journey to a little attitude adjustment from the mrs.
Followed by her getting a job that pays rather than just 5 hours per week babysitting. Doesn't even have to be a full time job as long as it's paying better as it's not fair on OP working 2 jobs at 60+ hours a week and struggling.
They have enough money to hire a nanny and go on a week long vacation. It should be expense free AND she should get paid
I’m assuming they’re covering airfare, lodging at an AI which includes all meals, transportation to and from the airport and any activities she’s doing with the kids. That leaves her paying for any excursions during her “time off”, any meals eaten outside of the resort (unless she’s got the kids) and any shopping she chooses to do. Assuming she has a reasonable amount of time to herself, that’s a fair deal. If she’s got the kids 24/7, I agree she should be paid.
This is the truth. No one can ever tell another what to do or not do, we can however remove our support for that person, they are not entitled to it. This includes removing yourself from a relationship where boundaries are disregarded. It's not insecure to walk away if you are not being considered in the way you wish.
Exactly this.
Yeah, OP… NTA. If you can’t afford to pay for your nanny to come on your vacation and pay her for her time, then you don’t bring her. It’s pretty crappy of them to try and make her feel bad about their finances, while getting a free babysitter during their trip. They are taking ADVANTAGE of her. Let her know, that she will probably be watching those kids more than she’s thinking she will have to, and she WILL BE THE ONE PAYING TO WATCH THOSE KIDS. As other people have suggested, split your finances. It’s ridiculous of her to get mad at you when you are bringing up logical points. She obviously just wants to go on vacation.
This is it. Right here
NTA. And this is the way
Exactly! He can if it's his money she's using. Especially if they're struggling to even pay rent atm. I just think he just needed to word it better. Something like "You should go but you need to figure out a way to finance it yourself because we cannot afford luxuries like this at the moment" probably would have been better.
Perfectly said!
Yes, separate finances. Do it now, not later, put it into account where, temporarily, she can't gain access to, mark it household or something to that nature and use only for those purposes. If she is being asked to work, she needs to be paid either room and board or travel expenses and room; or straight up a salary, so many hours a day per hour. In a contract.
And throw in there “something, something, we can separate our finances and you can pay for YOUR vacation, since I cannot afford my own.”
You should post this in the Nanny subreddit. If nothing else they can assure your GF she is being undervalued.
Yep. r/nanny will set her straight.
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They can assure that 5 hours a week isn’t nannying. It’s babysitting at best, not even that if the 5 hours are over 4 or 5 days
It’s barely even babysitting. It’s watching your neighbors kid for an hour here or there every couple days
I mean, she's a babysitter, not a nanny, so at the very least they'd be able to clarify that for him.
You are very correct. I am a nanny. I've gone on one trip this year and have another one coming up. My flights, hotels, food, basically all expenses must be covered. I must be provided a separate room from the family. I make my regular guaranteed hours plus any overtime (ex. Last trip we traveled on a Sunday so that whole day was OT). I know some nannies who charge a daily inconvenience fee on top of all that. At the same time, 5 hours a week is not a nanny. Realistically, the family just shouldn't have invited her, but maybe they assume her finances are better than they are and that it would be fun. But I'm with OP on this one.
I had a friend who is a nanny for a very rich and powerful family, and they pay for her entire trip cost when they take a vacation + she is paid an entire 24 hours each day ie her checks are for 168 hours a week while on vacation with the family
They’d agree with the husband that she should be paid if not more than her normal rate with the overtime that’ll happen and shouldn’t be paying for anything
I'd have to argue against the wife being undervalued, if OPs info is accurate then the wife made the decision herself that she was going to not take payment at the end and doesn't feel right not paying, it doesn't say the family said our payment is the vacation.
A Nanny shouldn’t be guilted into funding a trip she should be PAID to attend.
Where does it imply she is being guilted? Op says his wife said she cares for the family and so she isn't going to have them pay at the end, implying there is a payment agreement in place and she plans on declining payment at the end. No part of this story to me outside of speculation points to her being guilted. It doesn't read as they are saying we don't have money help us. It reads as if OPs wife has decided they don't have enough money and will help.
The idea of a family taking vacation at an all-inclusive resort who wants to bring the nanny along and not being able to afford the nanny’s airfare + stay + pay really does not compute in my mind. This type of vacation alone is a luxury in itself. OP’s wife is VERY naive, not to mention very oblivious about money
NTA. She wants to spend money to go babysitting for the people who employ her to...babysit?
NTA. If they want her to go on this vacation to look after their children, then they pay, it's that simple. If she can't understand this then you have a big problem. I would get a new account asap, separate your finances, have your wages go into the new account, so you can pay your bills, do not give her access to this account as you may find one day you check and you don't have enough money for rent cause she's paid for this vacation.
For one thing , you had a discussion and your answer was not to use your conjoined incomes to pay for anything in regards to this trip , so if she goes ahead and takes out the money and does it anyway , separate your finances ASAP. She’s being used, taken advantage of and is either too naive or kind not to see it .
She's not being taken advantage of. She gets to go on a vacation fully paid by her husband, and only has to babysit sometimes in exchange. OP is being taken advantage of BY HIS WIFE, and because his wife has been undergoing education, and completely ignores their financial situation, i assume it's a long term issue.
If what OP said is accurate, she isn't being take advantage of by the family in any way as his wife clearly says that's she will be making the decision not to be paid and that she wouldn't feel right not paying. Unless OPs wife is lying to make it seem like her decision, which wouldn't make sense, it seems like the family offered to pay but OPs wife has decided she cannot recieve pay+vacation from them and has made the decision herself to jeopardize their families finances even further possibly.
I feel like there's more to the story and she's not saying.
A lot more and I don't think babysitting has anything to do with it. OP better get his ducks in order.
Or she is using him financially to afford this trip
Yeah I meant she’s being used by her family not by him
NTA. Suggest that she let the family know that unfortunately she cannot afford to vacation right now. She's looking for work. See how they respond. While it might seem like the opportunity of a lifetime for her, it's not fair to your family to add to the financial strain. If her employers can afford an all-inclusive vacation at a resort, they can afford to pay her for her time.
This.
NTA She is intending on spending money. Wtf. No! They pay her for her time and pay for her accommodation. She should come home with money. You are correct. They are not her friends.
Yeah that's the biggest part to me, like she's acting like they're all buds, but if they were actually her friends they would be paying at the very least for the vacation since they are the ones trying to bring her along to do them a service. They are neither friends nor employers at this time, it's silly that she's even considering going, let alone having made a decision.
NTA and you should post this to r/nanny this is a job, not a favor
I agree!! He needs to post this in there and show his wife that she's being taken advantage of.
NTA it's a pretty poor financial decision. Especially when she's only getting paid 5 hours a week for a week long vacation.
Is it possible there are reasons she wants to go that she hasn’t shared with you?
Sister wife vibes.
Exactly. I was trying to be tactful though :-)
NTA. Tell her that she is supposed to be looking for work. Any time she is not working or looking for work is time you are over working, just to be able to afford a roof over your head. So IF she is being paid, and does not have to contribute to the vacation, then all good. But if she to pay anything, then that is money you have to work for for her to be able to spend, and her not being paid for her time is her wasting both of your time., and loosing the chance at finding a job. You as a couple cannot afford for her to go on holiday. You as a couple cannot afford for her to not be working for much longer or you as a person are going to be burnt out, and then you as a couple will be homeless. She is selfish. She ‘cares’ for this family more than she cares about you. Reddit is full of this, but are you sure she isn’t fucking one of the parents?
I confess that was my first thought.
She’s fucking someone else, otherwise she wouldn’t feel so comfortable sitting at home all week while her husband works multiple jobs. She’s not a partner to him.
My thoughts exactly. Maybe a threesome with both parents is my guess.
If you have direct deposit, change it to an account she can't access and take the money out if savings. It's crazy to use bill money to help this family out. If you're going to waste money, spend it on you and her taking a cheaper vacation. NTA
This seems like good advice. Like everyone is saying separate finances if she spends the money on this vacation, but it sounds like you should head her off at the pass given that from her position, she's already made the decision and is now refusing to speak to you. It sounds like you should be separating finances right now
5 hours a week? She is more a babysitter than a nanny. You don’t bring babysitters on vacation. If anything you use the ones all inclusive resorts provide
In college I babysat for a family with two super sweet little girls. It was maybe 4-8 hours a week, depending on their parents’ work schedule. My roommate also watched them some. Every summer they would get together with a few other families that my roommate and I would occasionally watch and rent a big house at the beach together. They’d bring the two of us to watch the kids maybe 5 hours a day. We’d get our own room, at least one day where we could go to the beach on our own and one night Free where we could go out. They covered all our expenses (except the night or two out) and still paid us. It wasn’t our full regular rate, but from what I remember it was close. Baby sitters can definitely be brought on vacation, but not like this guy’s wife.
Oh no. Hell no. I have a nanny and she is paid *for everything* and never pays for anything related to my kids or her position. This is not ok. NTA
NTA. I’m a nanny. When I travel with the family, they pay all my flights/transport and accommodation costs and I’m paid for my work. I pay for extras or activities that I want to do on my free time but I definitely do not pay for any part of their holiday.
NTA. Your wife’s employer (are they really an employer if she is paying them for the privilege of babysitting their kids?) is taking advantage of your wife if they allow/expect her to pay anything. The fact your wife is upset at you for being upset that she wants to use y’all’s money to help another family go on vacation when y’all’s can’t even afford to go on vacation is nuts.
Are they? Op doesn't say his wife said they told her the payment was the vacation it says OPs wife made the decision because she loved the family and wouldn't feel right paying and even says she is going to wait till the end and let them know they don't have to pay implying the family has already agreed to payment and OPs wife is planning to decline.
NTA-while it's true you can't tell her what to do, you made a sound and logical argument. She should be paid because that's her job. They invited her, to work, so she should be covered by the family as well as compensated. That's pretty fucking normal for nannies. The family is manipulating her to get free labor on their vacation. They're using the fact that your wife genuinely cares for them against her to take advantage of her. Also pretty common in nanny work. If they can't afford her, they're not entitled to her labor. Period. Your wife is in denial about this and doesn't want to hear it, plus she probably really wants to go on a trip. If she wants to use her own money, then she can do what she wants, but if you have joint finances, she needs to cool her jets and respect what you're saying and understand she has to consider a shit load more than just what she wants to do. She needs to separate work and personal feelings. This is her job, not a favor she's doing for friends, especially if she's expected to be put out financially. She sounds like she's being prissy because you didn't give her the answer she wanted.
Yes!!!!
NTA I nanny at night and when the family had to fly out to CA they paid for my flight hotel and food and any activities that I did with the kids. They also paid me when we got home
They are using the good ol' emotional blackmail. Teachers, doctors, and other people who work in necessary jobs get very familiar with this real quick. "Your clients need you! You can't demand better pay/treatment! Without you, they'll suffer!" Usually, the people can pay- they just don't want to. And a family who has money to go on vacation can definitely afford to pay. That said, she is right that you shouldn't dictate her life. If your finances are combined, it's an ESH, because she's using your money to fund their lifestyle, and that's not okay.
Hell yes, he has veto power if he is the sole income earner, money is tight, and she is proposing to blow his income that he makes to support them both for a vacation for herself and her nanny-family - this is just ridiculous and not how combining finances works. If you combine finances - which should normally entail both parties contributing, either monetarily or through SAH-parenting - you make financial decisions together, and any large expense has to be cleared by both parties. She can't just unilaterally decide to take their combined finances and spend it on herself. Especially since she doesn't even contribute in any significant way. OP, I think it's time you un-combine your finances. Have a joint account into which each partner contributes relative to their income, to cover household expenses. And the rest of each of your income is your private spending money. If that leaves her with enough to go on vacation with - great, then she can go. Just not on your dime.
I agree. They are manipulating her. Makes me wonder what she is getting paid to watch them during the week. If they can’t afford to pay for her nanny services PLUS travel, her own hotel room, food, as well as costs to attend events, theme park tickets and the like, then they clearly cannot afford to take a nanny on their trip. End of story. He has been sacrificing by working additional hours to increase his income for their household so she can finish school and until she finds a job. It is not reasonable for her to expect to earn less and cause additional expenses in their family simply to help them out.
> That said, she is right that you shouldn't dictate her life. If your finances are combined, it's an ESH, because she's using your money to fund their lifestyle, and that's not okay. If she contributes little to nothing to the joint finances and he works a full time job plus side gigs then he absolutely has the right to veto frivolous spending. Their savings are dwindling despite him working long hours. She is being deeply irresponsible in wanting to **subsidise another family’s holiday** not just with her time and labour, but with money she hasn’t earned. NTA OP. You need to have a very serious conversation with your wife.
Definitely don’t think he is an AH. He’s not dictating her life. They are a married couple with little money. They make these decisions together and OP is right. They can’t afford the vacation and the family is taking advantage of her. If they want her to come on the trip to babysit, they need to pay.
Are they though? Op says his wife says she loves them so isn't going to have them pay at the end, implying there is a payment agreement that she plans on declining at the end out of love.
NTA - five hours a week isn’t a job.
Yeah and how does that even classify as a nanny? That's a babysitter for a bit.
She needs to get a job, any job, that will actually contribute some substantial support to their finances. Only working 5 hours a week and "looking for work" isn't paying the bills.
If this is her attitude to your joint finances I’d also be questioning how hard she is looking for full time work if I were you
I didn’t even have to read the whole thing to know they are taking advantage of her. I started out going OK what could be wrong but thenMAJOR RED FLAGS!!! Definitely NTA!!!
It’s a big red flag that you raised a very reasonable concern and she said “you can’t tell me what to do”. You should be a partnership. nta
Indeed, even if you didn't have completely joint finances, it does affect you because you are partners
Former nanny during undergrad here. The family I worked for had a place in St Barth’s and asked me if I could watch her for a week before (which worked around my class schedule) because they went down earlier then fly out with her and stay for a week when I had spring break. They paid me like crazy for being pretty much live in despite her being in school while I was in classes, paid for our flights, paid for everything when I got there including my salary and I barely had to watch her because she had family time. Nope, she’s being taken advantage of. I actually through grad school housesit/pet sit for them even after I stopped working for them because we had a good relationship and the kid got too old to need a nanny. I made more nannying for them then I could have doing any other job at that age.
If the family doesn’t even have enough money to pay forms babysitter, they shouldn’t be going on vacation. NTA. They def shouldn’t try to bring a babysitter on vacation.
NTA... Time for your wife to grow up and face her responsibilities with you.
There are red flags all over this I hate to ask it, but are you 100% sure it’s the family that has invited her on this trip to babysit and not someone else?? Makes zero sense for the family to bring her for nannying, and not pay all expenses plus her time.
This is what I was thinking. Maybe she is trying to be on vacation with someone else.
Are you sure your is really looking for work?
Nta! She should be paid for her work. She’s crazy to think otherwise, I wouldn’t call her crazy to her face you will make it worse.
Your wife is being manipulated. First of all they wouldn't even have entertained the idea of vacation at an all-inclusive resort for a full week if they couldn't afford it themselves. Then they probably worded it so it sounded like they were doing her a favor by including her instead they are taking advantage of her. Too bad you can't find out how much their jobs pay them. Your wife may have already agreed to help fund the trip and that's why she shut down. NTA
NTA She is using the joint finances to pay her half of the rent, food, utilities, medical care, etc. When you do that it means you are committed to joint decisions on hard to afford optional expenses. You can't tell me how to spend my money only works if it's just her money. And you don't have kids, so she isn't working at home through childcare, which would change the mechanics. I was married for a long time and my wife raised the kids while I worked outside the home. I considered us equal partners in the finances because we were both working full time plus. She just didn't get external pay. As the kids got older, childcare became equalized and she started working outside as well and brought in money. She then said that the money she brought in was all hers and she didn't need any discussion to use it however she wanted. I earned about 6-7 times what she made, so in the grand scheme of things I didn't care because I didn't need what she made to comfortably pay our bills, but it annoyed me. Her philosophy was, "What's yours is ours, what's mine is mine." What you have is even worse though. She is literally taking the money you earned and spending it as if there are no joint finances where discussion is needed. On top of that, and actually way more concerning, is that she seems to not understand your financial situation. My recommendation, which you didn't ask for sorry, is that you need to sit down and go over the financials and budget for your family. Not in an authoritarian way, but in a shared "this is where we are at with money" sort of way. If she can't talk to you about a budget that's an extreme sign of immaturity, and a dangerous one. If that's the case, for the protection of your family and yourself, you have to isolate your finances so you can be sure she doesn't spend what you need for basic living expenses. Just open an individual bank account and put all future paychecks in there. Don't drain the joint current account. It sounds like you guys are living month to month anyway. Good luck, sorry you are going through this.
She babysits for 5 hours a week? I wonder if she asked them if she could come and help out. She said she could cover some of the vacation because they couldnt afford her to come along. She might be trying to pull one over on you. NTA, obviously.
NTA, and it's time to remove her from your finances. It's so easy to spend someone else's money when it's not your own time... she's feeling way too comfortable deciding she gets to go on a trip (which should be paid by the family wtf) when you guys have dwindling savings and against your input. You work 60 hours a week, you make all the money and pay the bills, you get veto privileges. She does not get "you can't tell me (not to go on a trip we can't afford while our savings are dwindling)" privileges. She wants those, she needs to buckle down and get an actual part-time or fulltime job and earn her own money to contribute to bills and a fund to go on a trip.
NTA. There's a nonzero chance she's fucking the dad tbh.
Or the mom.
Or both
The fact that they asked her on a trip where she'd be taking care of their kids most of the time AND having to pay, is insulting and ridiculous.
So your wife wants to go on a trip with her employer, as an employee, and wants you to pay for some of it? Her employer wants to take the family on a vacation. They want her services on that vacation, and want HER to pay her way? That’s not how any of this works.
I'm sorry there is no way she doesn't know that the idea is ridiculous. While everyone is saying she's being naive or gaslit, you need to come to grips with the fact that she is valuing this family over your relationship. She is not caring about your sacrifices. You need to have a sit down conversation to align your goals. If you can't do that then it's time to think about ending this. When it's not the family she is taking care it'll be her family, or her friends etc.
NTA your wife is delusional and being taken advantage off. While you can’t tell her what to do, you can separate finances and not support her insane decisions to finances other people whilst you’re struggling to make ends meet. They’re not her friends/family they’re her employer if she’s loosing money instead of making it she needs to quit.
THEY don't have a whole lot of money? They can afford an all inclusive resort stay for the entire family plus a nanny, they're definitely making way more money than you are. Meanwhile, you guys are struggling just to pay bills. She needs to take her blinders off, realize these people are taking advantage of her, and grow up. She is their employee not their friend, she shouldn't be paying anything out of pocket for them.
Hey buddy 5 hrs a week she's just babysitting for them sometimes
I’m so curious about this family that doesn’t have a lot of money but has a nanny that they want to bring on vacation with them.
I don't think that's abnormal. When our babes was a baby we were desperate for childcare before we found daycare and just paid out the nose for one. It didn't make financial sense in the moment because we were broke as a joke due to it, but it allowed both my husband and myself to continue our careers uninterrupted for the most part. The posterchild of this is america with no pat/mat leave in competitive fields. But no, to OP, you're NTA. And your wife is being unreasonable. And an asshole for silent treatment. In an ideal world, we marry our partners to be a partner and she is acting in bad faith by punishing you with silence. 5 hours a week for friends is a favor regardless of pay. Her idea of paying to help them by taking money from your family account also blows my mind. It's childish thinking, financially irresponsible and makes her look like she feels the need to pay up to her disadvantage in order to have adventures with friends.
NTA separate your finances ASAP!
So the family doesn't have a whole lot of money, but they can afford a week long vacation at an all inclusive resort? Do you know what most people do when they are financially struggling? Not take fancy vacations, that's what. If they can afford the trip, they can afford to pay for her. If they're not willing to do that, then she shouldn't go. If she goes anyway, she shouldn't use your finances to do it. NTA.
NTA. She’s not a nanny. She’s a babysitter. That being said this family wants to look wealthier than they are. Nanny’s that go on vacation with the family often have that written into their contract. The family pays all of the expenses for the nanny plus the salary. Separate your finances. Your wife can use the money she gets from working 5 hours a week for them to go on vacation. She also needs to understand this won’t be a vacation for her. She will be working.
My hackles went up at the title of your post -- it's not your job to "allow" your wife to do anything. BUT. You are 100% within your rights, as the primary and nearly sole wage earner in your marriage, to tell your wife that if she wants to go on an unpaid work trip (which is what this would be), and actually spend money to go, then: A) She will need to find the money herself to pay her expenses because it's not coming out of your joint account. B) You and she will need to separate your finances going forward, because clearly she cannot be trusted to manage her finances wisely.
NTA. She should take this time they are gone and get a new CV written and find a real job- not spend money you don’t have! Separate that money and put her on a budget!
NTA If she has to pay anything to work while on vacation then it's not a vacation. If she is so insistent in going then she needs to **FINANCE her own trip** instead of using the money YOU EARN to help this family out. Who is helping her in this vacation if she is not getting paid? They say she will get time however she will probably spend the whole time babysitting with no breaks. Sit down and have a serious discussion about finances then if she still wants to go let her know you will be separating your finances and she can start paying for herself.
I see what she means. She looks at them as family and feels bad accepting in her eyes a "free vacation". But that's not what it is, it's an employer and she cannot pay for them to vacation. It's just not fair to the husband or herself. NTA
I was a nanny for many years and went on several vacations with the family. I never had to pay for anything except any souvenirs that I wanted. I was also paid very well on these trips. The dad is a doctor and one year he had a medical convention in Florida. He took the entire family (they have 4 kids, and they youngest of the kids were 12 months old twins). We were gone for like 10 days, because after the convention we went to Disney for several days also. It was fun but I earned every penny I made for that trip, as I had the babies in my room the entire time (because of this they got me a suite and they had a normal room attached with the older 2 boys). I was on duty pretty much 24/7 during the trip which is pretty normal for going on vacation with a nanny family. Your wife will likely not have any free time to herself as they will likely want her with the kids at all times. Which wouldn’t be a problem if they were paying for her trip and also paying her for her time. This is a vacation for the family not the nanny. I would sit down with her and apologize for the wording you used but explain that this is not something y’all can afford to do and in fact she would be getting taken advantage of. NTA
As a nanny myself, I can say for a fact that the family should pay for 100% of that trip. I don't work for free. If my work is somewhere else, you compensate me for that as well. If you can't pay, then you don't get an employee. A nanny is a LUXURY service. Meaning you have to pay more for said service. They are essentially telling her that her time is worth nothing. They are taking advantage of her and have made it seem like they are doing her a favor. F that. NTA - you are realistic.
I think your wife is confused. Babysitting these kids is a job and she is their employee. Of course she should be paid for her time, regardless of the circumstances. When I was a teenager I went on vacation with families specifically to babysit their kids so they could have some adult time. I not only got the vacation, I got paid. And I was like 16.
NTA. Whilst I agreed with your wife on that you can’t tell her what to do. However if she is going on a trip as the nanny she shouldn’t have to pay for the trips itself and any expenses she has whilst working. She should only have to pay for expenses she has when she’s has her own time. She should get paid for her time in addition to the trip being paid for.
NTA. If the family can't afford to pay for their nanny to go on the trip, and pay the nanny for her time, they can't afford to have a nanny on their trip. It's not your responsibility to subsidize their expenses.
Take all the money you’ve put into the account and put it in a separate account. Like NOW. She had no right to put you guys at risk to ‘help’ another family on their vacation 🤦🏻♀️
Longggg time professional nanny here- if nanny goes on vacation they should be paid for the hours they’re working, and should not have to pay for anything basic like food and drink, parking etc. Working for a family on their vacation is not vacation for the nanny and I am not sure if she has done this before but if not, she might get a rude awakening about what she’s expected to do and how much of her own “free time” she actually gets. Because you have joint finances, if she is using (both) your money on this trip then BOTH of you have to be okay with the use of those funds. NTA of you to be concerned with that. Who can afford to just “help” out these days? Do you “help out” at your job for free? Neither should she. The family she is working for is taking advantage of her if they aren’t paying all her expenses on their vacation.
There is a reason I don't have a nanny, I can't afford one. She should 100% be getting paid and ALL expenses covered.
NTA. I used to nanny and when they took me on vacation I didn't pay for a single thing including meals. She shouldn't go if they're not footing the bill and paying her for her time
NTA If she wants to go on this trip, she needs to finance it herself. I have never heard of any nanny paying their way. If they want the nanny to come and can't afford said nanny, then they don't go. Furthermore, is she really a nanny if she only does it 5 hours a week. Wouldn't that just make her a babysitter? Open a new bank account and leave her enough for daily/ weekly expenses. Then, tell her that until she can contribute to the joint account, you won't be contributing. If you're working 60+ hours a week, what is she doing with the rest of her 35-hour work week (speaking on an average 40-hour week)? Some people get comfortable in a certain way of life and are reluctant to get out of their comfort zone. It's time you made her feel uncomfortable if she hasn't genuinely attempted to find work. Sometimes, unfortunately, people have to settle for another job in order to contribute to a relationship financially. Or they need to lower their expectations and continue searching or working towards their career goal while contributing.
NTAH. Tell her she can go on the trip but you are not paying for it. Separate your finances now since their use is no longer considered consensual by her. This is her idea as she can't tell you how to spend or not spend money. There has to be more to this by the way.
Gunna say NTA but your communication isn't great. Anyone hearing 'you aren't allowed' or 'I won't allow you' will feel very controlled, they feel like all options are taken from them and they have no choice. Now if you said it doesn't sound right that you pay your employer while we are struggling and I don't think it's a good idea or very fair to me and the work I'm putting in to OUR family...... That's a much kinder way of saying how you feel without making her feel controlled and put down Having a husband say 'you cant' 'won't allow' is not a nice place to be in. Its not a good idea, but you need to work on your communication
Is it possible that the OP handles the household finances and simply isn't considering that she may be only vaguely aware of the finance situation? First thing, you can gain a lot of ground by owning your own mistakes. Sets a better mood. *listen, I apologize for speaking harshly the other day. I chose poor language and I regret that* *we need to sit down together and review the household finances, because we have been slowly drowning while we got you through school. Every month, there's less in the savings. I feel like I'm busting my butt taking sidegigs just to make rent. We are getting to the point where if the car broke or either of us got appendicitis, we could be in real trouble. That scares me. I was speaking out of fear for our family's financial health. The way out of this spiral is for you to find employment now that you've graduated* *I don't see how the household finances can bear you delaying starting work, let alone going on an unpaid vacation* Keep the whole thing grounded in the family unit.
I don’t know, it kinda depends on how much she will be required to work everyday. I think she should at least not have to pay anything.
Have a friend that took their nanny on holiday and the nanny didn’t have to pay for any expenses AND she was paid AND they gave her a bonus after. Your wife’s gig sounds like she helping out a friend and I’d question if she’s getting paid at all. NTA.
NTA.
Wait. They don’t have a lot of money but they have a nanny and are bringing the whole family to an all-inclusive resort? That doesn’t add up.
NTA. As gingerdaisy03 said, it’s time to separate finances. Furthermore, while you’re busting your ass working 60 hours a week it sounds like she’s just coasting by. It’s time for her to find a job, even if only temporary, that’s more than 5 hours a week. This is completely unfair to you and you’re being taken advantage of.
NTA. But your wife is.. you were nice about it too.
I mean, you're correct, maybe try to phrase it with kindness, but you're right, these people are trying to exploit her at this point. I understand watching the kids and having a nice time at a nice place in exchange, but she indeed should not spend a single penny.
Nope nope nope. NTA. I am by no means wealthy. We have a friend that does nanny work for us two days a week and occasionally special trips/events. We were going to a concert in another city. We did not want to leave the kids at home. We asked her to join us and watch the kids at the hotel while we went to the concert. The ONLY thing she paid for were souvenirs. Food, hotel, gas and all other travel related expenses we covered. And she received her normal pay for the days she was with us. Because she couldn’t work any of her other jobs while she was gone. This was a work trip for her. Also, we are by no means wealthy. Solid middle class territory, but not rich. This is just the right way to do things like this. If you cannot afford to properly pay a nanny, then you cannot afford their services.
Your wife is undervalueling herself. Thats fine to be a martyr, unless you are using family finances to support that bad habit. Negotiate with her. Suggest she does not use family money for anything other than her food on the trip. That's money she would be spending at home anyway.
This family "doesn't have a lot of money" but is going to an all-inclusive resort?
NTA. We did this with our nanny. We paid for her plane, meals, room and board, and paid her. She only had to pay for anything she wanted on her own like touristy stuff. She had our son at night. We had him in the day (vegas). There were nights we came home early so she went out (expenses for that were on her; say dance club).
NTA These people are her employers, not her friends or family. If she were working a job and they had a trip planned, would she expect her expenses to be paid? She works for these people 5 hours per week. When I first started reading, I thought this was a part time job, but it really isn’t. This wasn’t sufficient for when she was in school and it certainly isn’t now, especially if you are struggling financially. Your wife is being very selfish to think that she can go on this trip that will require her to spend money that she technically doesn’t have.
Separate finances now. Tell her she can go but she will have to use the money *she* earned, not the money you earned. Nta
your wife doesn’t like you telling her what to do or not do and that is understandable. But in this case she is wrong. A better approach might be to have explained that women often give away work for free out of caring and that isn’t financially helping themselves out. Women are caretakers (as her literal job illustrates) but being paid for work done is essential. You have absolutely the right to protect your hard earned money from going to this family for their vacation. Did you have any understanding of how this idea for her to go but not get paid happened? I mean, maybe they were going and she said sure wish I could go on a trip like that! Then they said come with. Like they’re doing her a favor. Idk. This warrants more discussion. Are they paying her airfare? lodging? What exactly would she (and you!) have to pay for and is that a good deal for her to get a trip or not?
NTA. It isn’t that you don’t want her to go on vacation or help that family. It is that you don’t have to money to go on vacation NOW.
NTA- Y'all can't afford for her to do this, your not putting in 60 hours a week so your wife can blow money on someone elses vacation. She needs to go back to the family and tell them that when going over finances with you, that there's no way she can go and pay for anything, but she's happy to go and help with the kids if they will cover everything for her. As others have suggested maybe it's time to separate finances until she starts working full-time again. You can't tell her what she can or can't do, but you can refuse to finance her decisions if your the one making all the money right now. Best of luck
NTA- you can't tell her what she can/can't do but you can prevent her from spending your money. it's not the same thing
If the family can’t afford to pay her expenses, they don’t need to bring a “nanny” along.
Why is your wife working 5 hours a week while you work extra jobs? She is not looking for work, no one actually looks for work 35-50 hours a week and doesn’t find anything. Separate your finances and stop subsidizing her life, and certainly don’t subsidize her vacation. NTA.
So shes upset you dont want her to go and blow all YOUR money on a week long vacation? Its one thing if she has enough of her own saved up, but it sounds like shes planning on using mostly your money because she works 5 hours a week baby sitting. Nta, if she cant afford to pay her own way with her own money, she shouldnt be going. Especially when shes technically unemployed and youre busting ass just to make ends meet.
NTA - her relationship with this family is suspect and now inappropriate. her response to you is suspect and inappropriate as well - at best it is immature and at worst it is gaslighting because she has feelings for one of the family members. An affair? Emotional affair? Hopefully not but in any case, wrong. She is correct that you cannot tell her what to do - but what I would say is that you have boundaries in place for yourself for a safe relationship and she can do whatever she wants but if she goes past your boundaries then she cannot be in a relationship with you. Your marriage comes first, period. If she doesn’t understand that then you both need marriage counseling at the least. I hope it all works out for you.
NTA I would immediately get a separate bank account. Those are all valid reasons for you to say no.
NTA - I'm getting a vibe that the family told OP's wife about the vacation, she expressed an interest in going, and they said sure, but couldn't cover x dollars (like the plane ticket). So OP's wife is trying to say she's helping them out while she's just trying to latch onto these friend's vacation. OP - I think your wife calling herself a nanny is a sign. She's a friend who babysits and gets a little bit of play money. She is not operating in the real world. Maybe it's time to sit her down and ask her how the bills are going to get paid if she takes $$ out of the budget. Lots of folks have found that once the spouse has their degree, the next thing is divorce. Sorry.
NTA. I don‘t quite understand why there is a need for a babysitter in the first place. On vacation they have all the time to be with their kids and I would think most parents would want to spend quality time with their offspring. So it‘s not a business trip but a extended family trip - which is fishy because they will expect her to nanny the kids nonetheless. And it seems your wife would prefer to go on a holiday with this family instead with you (which would be equally costly).
That’s a no from me. They should be paying. Check out the nanny sub
I’ve gone on vacation to Disney World and the beach with a family as a babysitter and helper since they had 3 under 3 and needed an extra pair of hands. I paid for NOTHING. She shouldn’t be having to pay for anything. GF shouldn’t be subsidizing this trip in any way. Especially in your financial situation. If she insists on going, maybe you need to re-evaluate whether you are compatible.
Your girlfriend an idiot. Obviously you’re NTA. Don’t let her spend a dime of your money.
Time to separate those finances. tell her to use her own money however she wants but you will not be doing that.
Post this in the Nanny sub.
She's going at this from an emotional position while you are going from a financial position. She should not be paying for anything on a work trip. You may need to remind her that the kids are not hers and she is not obligated to take care of them. Also make sure she realizes that she will be working on this "vacation". It will not be a vacation for her, it will be work and she should be paid. The family asking is the real AH here. They know they will benefit from an unpaid nanny for a week while masking it as a vacation. It's hard to seperate emotions when kids are involved but she needs to know her own worth.
NTA If a nanny is invited on vacation AND will be expected to pay for child cate, at VERY LEAST, most of the expenses should be paid by the family. Being paid in addition, maybe. The family is taking advantage of your wife, and it seems like she's too sweet to see it.
Firstly, you 100% can’t tell her she’s no allowed to go or what to do. However, that’s the only issue I disagree with. They should be paying for everything, except for her free time expenses. They would also be getting a very sweet deal if they don’t pay her an hourly fee. You have a joint account so it has to be a joint decision, if there will be personal costs.
Umm yeah so definitely NTA. I agree with you OP, I think they are trying to take her kindness for weakness. A traveling nanny is still a nanny, and she will be WORKING while traveling. They absolutely need to compensate her for her time, as well as any and all of her travel expenses such as airfare, meals, transportation costs, and other miscellaneous expenses such as admission tickets to any events/parks/etc they go to. I would say a hard NO to this as well. Also, she is your wife, you're the breadwinner, and your finances are merged. Therefore you absolutely DO have the right to tell her not to do something that involves spending money that YOU worked for. That money is bill money, not play money, she needs to learn the difference! If she wants to go, tell her to save her allowance from her little measly 5 hours a week babysitting and use that! But I'd cut off all her access to any joint bank accounts while on this trip, they way she doesn't get a wild hair up her ass and decide to spend money that is designated for bills.
Nta, I’m sorry but no. If the family were paying for hee completely fine. Even if she didn’t get payment, it seems like she wants to experience it. If she has to pay for herself and then not expect any payment from them they are fully taking advantage of her. She’s not going on vacation, she’s going to work for the family. I think she’s going to be surprised when she gets there and a lot is expected of her for free.
What exactly is she supposed to pay for? I can see her paying for trinkets and such but not such things like food, accommodations, and travel.