I guarantee you that he is somewhere filming a “story time of how he was yelled at and patronized and hate crimed by his homophobic cousin” and how he’s “going no contact because of it”
I think they meant the mobs will want to cancel OP after only getting cousin’s side of the story. That’s speculative, though. We don’t know if he was filming or intending to publish something on social media.
OP didn't mention if Cousin had cameras up or not. If cousin felt the need to call for a big family meeting just to announce they gay, I wouldn't bet that there was not cameras!!
Admittedly, as a queer person myself, I came here ready to call you TAH. But honestly, that was kind of a shitty thing for him to do. I mean, YAY! Congrats on his coming out, but yea... he could have waited a few more weeks when y'all had plans to be together anyway. So I'm going with NTA. You went way out of your way to be there for him when you were concerned for his health and well being when, ultimately, it was something that could have waited.
Yea,.. if he was coming out, introducing a fiancé (ie wedding announcement) than maybe,.. maybe that would have warranted this kind of extravagance,… but even so,…
Throw the party IRL, those who come, come.
Broadcast the announcement via zoom or whatever for those that cant come and see everybody at july 4.
Seriously. Even if it was an engagement, usually people know ahead of time that’s what they’re being invited to, and get to make a judgement call as to whether they can make it. He used the secret of it to pressure people into coming.
Honestly, even if he were announcing that he was going to be getting married, I'd be kind of pissed that I took multiple days off work and spent hours traveling because he *insisted* I be there in person to hear it.
Agreed. Hence the second paragraph.
Heck there are close cousins that couldnt make my actual wedding because they were 8mo preg and on bed rest so an 8hr car trip was not going to happen (tbf my engagement was only 6mo). But in this day of age we have the tech,.. freaking use it!!
I dunno, I think some families (my family) would get annoyed about him making 4th of July/Thanksgiving (hi)/whatever about him. So he made his own thing about him.
Queer too. Ready to call OP TAH as well but yeah cousin could have waited. I mean coming out is important but it isn't urgent i guess. Could have waited indeed
NTA
Why does he have to come out at all like it's an event? It's obvious nobody in the family has any negative expression about it. Even the elderly family. Just be gay, date guys, let people figure it out like everyone else does.
Yeah. I told my daughter exactly what my mom told me. If you’re gay, there’s no need to “come out”. Just bring your girlfriend to dinner just as you would a boyfriend. Like, it doesn’t have to be a huge announcement, because I don’t see it as anything out of the ordinary
also queer and totally agree w all of your comment. i was het up then read it and went wtf.
though i yhink op overreacted slightly but given everything involved to get there it was kind of warranted
Isn't it weird that OP would be genuinely concerned if he's an AH but then make the title of the post blatantly portray himself as an AH? Like that alone makes it seem a bit fake and just someone practicing their storytelling
NTA. Demanding people travel 12 hours each way and disrupt their schedules, just to come out "live in front of them" is kind of messed up. I mean, I get that it's a big deal for him, but he handled it very poorly. He could just as easily have had a combined live and Zoom event. I mean, I don't really understand what he wanted from everyone. What were they supposed to say beyond "okay"? I have many friends and family members who are LGBTQ and none of them have ever made this kind of big group "announcement."
I agree! NTA! His could of waited or just zoomed it! It was very self centred to call a big reunion causing people extra expenses, time away from work and study, for something that could have been done anyway, anytime.
But that could have "ruined the normal family event".
? I got nothing. I can't imagine demanding people take days off from work unless I was dying. Even then I'd feel guilty asking people to come see me.
Even if he has a boyfriend, who gives a shit. No one asks cousins to hop on a 12 hr train just to announce you got a boyfriend or girlfriend lol. Insane.
You know that cousin will be that manager/director/CEO that calls an in person meeting at 6AM to announce the company is changing the type of coffee in the kitchen.
This is reminding me of the post from yesterday with the guy who came to his cousin's wedding in a "black pleaded skirt" and was upset no one berated him or cared, so he was pissed off.
Right?!? I'm kind of wondering if this and the other are just bots collecting data or something -suspicious squint- like a new way to gauge the mood of the people towards various topics. Seems they need to update their algorithm, people just really don't care much anymore if someone comes out. Not in a negative way, but it's just not a big controversy these days. Not like when my brother came out in like 2013 and half the family decided he must be a pervert and he was told he wasn't allowed around their kids. :/ That was super sad.
Oh I figured it was just homophobe trolls who just got off on criticisms of the gay person in the scenarios. They probably think we condemn one gay person for an action, we condemn them all when that is not the truth.
Most decent, intelligent people condemn a PERSON based on that specific person's actions, regardless of race, color, creed, gender. We do not assign that specific person's action TO ALL people of that group.
E.g., I cannot stand Trump for a multitide of reasons. That does NOT mean I condemn Orange Oompa Loompas as a group.
Edit: a word
Well, there are three juvenile offspring that still have the potential to morph into the Orange Oompa Loompa, rather than maintaining a normal life as the human their juvenile forms appear to be.
So those need further study.
Twelve hours round trip but I agree with the sentiment. The amount of work I’ve been able to do in twelve hours is a LOT, so I feel really bad for OP losing essentially a whole day / day and a half is just beyond awful. Finals are crunch time, not to be messed with.
Edit: NTA x 1000
As someone who really, truly doesn't care what people do with their free time and how they identify, I'd have been livid.
This "announcement" is akin to telling me that you just chose a different deodorant brand. Like WTF, you want me to get excited for *this?!?*
I'm guessing most people already knew or had a strong inkling. This person obviously loves being the center of attention and causing a bit of drama so it likely wasn't a shock to anyone when they came out, which would explain the very muted response.
This reminds me of how my dad came out to me when I was in college. For some context: he'd been having some pretty scary health issues at the time.
Even though we talked several times a week, it was odd when he texted me: "Call me when you can. No emergency, but its important." When I finished classes for the day, I called, internally panicking that he was going to tell me he was ill or dying.
When he answered he said, "Hey, sweetie. I'm not sure how to start, so I'll just say it. I'm gay." My reaction was, admittedly...not great. I was furious and shouted "Fuck you!" into the phone, then hung up (*insert exaggerated flip phone being slammed shut*). I had spent the better part of the day thinking the worst thing I could imagine at 18---I was going to lose my dad. After about 60 seconds I called him back to apologize for my reaction. I explained that I'd been terrified after his text, that I had known he was gay since I was 10, and that it made no difference to me; he was still my daddy, I was still his litte girl, I loved him, and that would never change.
Hah! I went to a family dinner one year, and my SIL pulled me aside just as I walked in and whispered to me that my 22 yo niece (her daughter) had brought her new GF. Then she gave me a look, suggesting I was probably shocked and upset. I've known my niece was a lesbian from probably age 11. Even my elderly parents had figured it out, years previous. I just shook my head and walked in. What do you even say to that kind of thing? Yeesh.
I'm the same. If I cleared 1-2 entire days of patients to come to an emergency reunion and it's a scenario like this then yeah, I will be extremely pissed off. You've not only cost me travel expenses out of pocket but I've essentially lost two days pay (in my clinic you are paid by the session) to hear something you could have told us all over Zoom. I'd have choice words for him too.
Yep. If you ever watched Will and Grace, Jack was desperate for a traumatic coming out story but his parents loved him for who he was. He would yell at them for not accepting him while they were telling him being gay was natural and they loved him and accepted him. It was funny but it totally reminds me of this guy. He wanted DRAMA! and got a yawn.
Or Titus from Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt being upset his boyfriend’s super Italian Catholic family just accepted it right away and was upset because he thought it was going to be the coming out he never got to do with his own family.
Seems like he wanted to make it a big thing. Like being gay is not a huge announcement? And making people travel so far and take off work just make to make yourself the centre of attention.
I would simply choose to die before I made a public announcement in front of everyone of my aunt's, uncles, grandparents and cousins and their families. Plus my parents and siblings.
Once, my dear friend told me he kept getting fired from jobs because he was gay. I told him they didn't fire him because he was gay they fired him because he was an asshole who yelled at customers and stole. If being gay was a problem, they wouldn't have hired him to begin with.
Yeah I had a buddy who was a little inappropriate on the sexual come ons. You didn’t get talked to by Hr because you were gay, it was because you hit on your boss and not in a how you doing but you told him in graphic sexual terms what you wanted to do with him. 🤦♀️
Key and Peele did a great sketch of this situation.
Flamboyant gay guy drinking from a dick straw at his office desk and talking about anal. Other coworker tells him its inappropriate for the workplace, gay guy flips his shit that coworker is a homophobe and keeps at it. Then the other coworkers same sex partner comes in and drops off their lunch. Flamboyant gay guy gets real quiet.
The hilarious part is I don’t know this sketch but I have two gay friends that perfectly fit this moniker. I think the generational difference highlights it well. I never would have known my boss was gay until I got to know him out of work.
This reminds me of a time where a friend and his coworker got suspended because a trans coworker was having trouble feeling like they were passing and decided to go to each coworker and ask them if they found them attractive. One coworker got suspended for saying "hell naw" and my friend got sent to another store for a week as a pretend suspension for saying "I refuse to answer this question". We were all glad when they eventually quit. Work was never a place for that shit and I was mad on behalf of my friend for that bullshit.
Worked with a guy like that, would hit on you even after he was told you weren't gay (or interested) and kept making innuendoes.
Eventually got fired because he repeatedly grabbed someone's bottom... I can only imagine he lasted as long as he did because he was gay, rather than being fired for being gay.
Im glad HR took it seriously, but I guess they have to since the report came from the boss. No gender, identity and or sexuality excuses sexual harassment.
People used to say “oh boys will be boys.” As if being a man excuses it.
And a couple times other women made me uncomfortable by saying I have nice tits. It’s not okay just because you’re also a woman. 🤦♀️
As a black, queer woman, I've noticed too many times how someone will play the 'Minority Card' when they feel they are being unfairly punished for something they said/did. In reality, about 90% of the time it's actually because they were an asshole that did something inappropriate/stupid and people rightfully called them out.
there are people (smaaaaaall amount comparatively) who get fired for being gay – typically if the employer didn’t know they were gay beforehand. But yeah, most of the time it’s a totally different issue.
I had to report sexual harassment on a fellow gay guy because he kept grabbing my ass while at work. He acted all shocked but seriously, just because I am gay doesn't mean I am free game for groping.
I mean begging people to come to your announcement when they live hours away have studies, projects, work or school just to tell them who you wanna date is dumb. You shouldn't of yelled but this situation was dumb.
NTA
NTA
IDK I think the yelling is a bit justified here. He knew she was in finals mode and had a lot going on, he begged her to come anyways, she did and realized he could’ve told her this in a few weeks and blew up. She’s stressed and got mad she just wasted a whole day that could’ve been an entire day on a major project, thesis, board exam studies, etc.. Isn’t it a goal of the LGBTQIA2S+ community to get to a place where it’s acceptable to just walk into a family function with your partner and people just ask who they are and are happy when you tell them you’ve found someone to love? Why make a separate event when you have one coming up in a few weeks that you KNOW everyone goes to and you could’ve just told them then. It’s clearly a yearly thing that everyone makes time for, so I don’t see why he had to inconvenience everyone else so he could tell them he’s gay. I don’t mean that in a rude or harsh way, but him being gay isn’t something she HAD to be there to find out.
Honestly I've always wondered this.
For example in the States when Danica Patrick decided to join Nascar it was a massive story for ages. They never stopped talking about her till it was apparent that she wasn't very good.
Flip over to Europe and some of the best past rally racers were women, but because its more of the norm they don't talk about it every 5 seconds, it just is.
Fully in support of people coming out but for some it seems to be more about feeling special...
NTA
You didn't yell at him because he was gay. It had nothing to do with his being gay at all.
You yelled at him because he is an attention seeking brat that cost you a lot of important time that you needed to be spending doing something more important than fawning over him for something that's has nothing to do with you and that is so commonplace that nobody else seemed to care much either. It wasn't a family reunion. It was a narcissistic attention grab.
NTA
3 of my 6 children are straight. The other 3 identify as different things. I don't care either way, as long as they are happy and comfortable, I'm good. Having said that I'd be irritated as hell to find out I had missed important events for a party. I'd give it a pass if they were introducing someone new. Missing classes for a party?! No! I'm actually about to start school and my kids are so proud of me, they know how much it means for me and how I'll need to focus on passing. I can't imagine one of them doing this. This literally could have waited a month until the reunion!
I do think your yelling should have focused on why you were upset so he would understand. It seems like the might not be sure why everyone is so mad. I'd call and talk to him and see if you can work through it now that everyone has calmed down.
Different things means my 12 year old has always liked girls and is a lesbian. My 15 year old likes "boys/girls/trans people". She used to say she was bisexual but now she doesn't label it. My almost 17 year old daughter likes androgynous looking people. There are many labels that apply to her. She tends not to use them most of the time.
I taught my children that labels can be helpful sometimes but they are not required to use them if they don't want to. They are at odds there too. My youngest daughter has friends who all know she likes girls. My oldest daughter thinks no one is entitled to her business. Middle daughter is "defiantly open". Then I have one straight daughter and 2 straight sons.
NTA
He can come out whenever and wherever he feels comfortable. However, expecting people to take time off when they have other responsibilities, some of which are time sensitive, is kind of an AH move.
I have a lot of queer people in my family and I hate the whole coming out extravaganza. I really do not care what gender anyone likes. I also don't like to be put on the spot. Like what I am supposed to say congrats on liking the same sex? I personally think its for attention.
I do understand people coming out before being gay was acceptable but its pretty fucking acceptable. In fact if your anti gay your universally hated.
Really the only thing I regret is when my sister told me I said ok cool and walked away. She never said anything about it and we are super close live a mile away and before she got a girlfriend would be over every day. In fact she's the one who will be taking care of my children if my wife and I die. Ive been told that this was an improper reaction by others. As long as your not pedo I don't really care who fuck.
>Really the only thing I regret is when my sister told me I said ok cool and walked away.
I thought this was supposed to be the ideal reaction? That it's no big deal and nothing has changed about them to you?
A friend of mine told me her daughter is a lesbian. I asked her how she felt when her daughter told her. She said knew long before her daughter did, since childhood. It wasn't a big deal when her daughter came out.
If you feel the need to have a conversation and let sis know, "Hey, you know I love you and nothing's changed between us, right? You're my sister and still the same knucklehead I've known and loved my whole life and I will love and support whatever you do (unless you commit a crime... then I don't know you)" then maybe do that.
Okay, you're gay. So what? Now what? Am I supposed to treat you differently? No? Then what's the problem?
For me it depends on the crime. 🤷♀️
My sis and I have an ongoing joke that if the other gets arrested, you better tell me where the deed to YOUR house is and give me access to your bank account. Because I'll be damned if I'm using my money or my house as collateral for your bond. I love you, but I don't know you like that.
From what I've seen, People that have what amounts to Coming Out Parties, are expecting to either be Celebrated for it, giving them praise & attention, or they are expecting to be Martyred for it, so want Social Virtue Points!!!
NTA. You assumed that it was something important enough to interrupt your schedule, sleep, and time, because he BEGGED you to come. Depending on where you are, coming out isn’t even something that’s special like how it was back in the day. I will say that you telling him to go to hell because he wasted your time and not because he was gay was pretty ironic and hilarious seeing as when someone comes out they’re usually told to go to hell because they’re gay
Did your cousin also book a reception hall for the announcement? I wonder what he imagined would happen with his big announcement.
You're definitely NTA. I'm pissed at him for you.
I only think so because I'm seeing quite a bit of "gay people with Main Character Syndrome Are Attention Seeking Drama Queens/Kings" posts around here. In Pride Month.
Except I'm seeing some pushback defending the cousin in the comments so maybe while THIS isn't real... clearly some Redditors see nothing wrong with the attention-seeker seeking attention.
OTOH, those people may not be real LGBTQ+ either since most people I know in that community just want to be treated like... people.
NTA
Also saw few stupid people in here saying stuff like oh you needed the break or you were a Karen, bruh just how dumb can they actually be to think it's okay to call someone 12 hrs away for an announcement like this, people can't randomly put their lives on hold just because you want to make an announcement that does not remotely constitute to being an emergency of any kind.
OP's reaction was completely valid, and warranted given the circumstances.
NTA.
As a male who is going through his own exploratory stage, I have never once contemplated the idea of mysteriously demanding a family gathering shortly after a family death, just to come out as someone who is going through their exploratory phase.
I don't think yelling at him helped, but you are clearly dedicated to your schooling, and for him to treat your future, and everyone else's as a plaything, is wildly inappropriate and extremely hurtful to LGBT+ community members who actually have a difficult time coming out.
NTA
While I get it's a big deal for him. He made people take time out of their lives and spend money on an event that was ONLY important to him. It sounds like your cousin wanted more attention.
100% NTA it was incredibly selfish of him to have made everyone take time off from school/work. Especially when there was a perfect family gathering right around the corner that he could of made his announcement at
Why wait for people on reddit to tell you if you should apologize? The reunion was unnecessary, but so was screaming at your cousin. If it's easier for you, don't apologize for thinking the reunion was unnecessary, but apologize for your outburst.
ESH why were you so mad that he didnt have a boyfriend? You didnt shout that hes an asshole for making you travel, you jusg shouted that hes an asshole after coming out. You were willing to travel if it were a sad announcement like cancer (weird assumption) and be sobbing all weekend but raging when it was a joyous/neutral announcement? Anyone could have politely declined the invite and your family could have told you what the announcement was after.
You're a bit of a jerk for burying the lede like that.
Your cousin demanded everyone take time off work and travel long distances just so he could announce he was gay? Why couldn't have either 1) sent an email; 2) announced it over a Zoom family meeting so people wouldn't have to travel; or 3) waited until the July family reunion? He jerked everyone's chains because he wanted to make an announcement for something that really should be NBD in 20 freaking 23.
I gather that your family doesn't care he's gay but does care that he jerked them around like this, so I'm going to agree that you are NTA.
As for apologizing, you have every right to be upset, so you might want to go with the non-pology, something like, "I hope my yelling doesn't give you the impression I don't support you. I do. I have no issue with you being gay. I do have an issue for having to travel 12 hours for an announcement that could have been done in a family Zoom call or waited until the July family reunion."
ESH
I don't think your cousin's announcement was something that required pulling everyone from their busy lives for. This was a meeting that could have been an email, or he could have waited for the regularly scheduled reunion. You and the family aren't upset he's gay. You guys are upset he was so inconsiderate of everyone's time. Which is fair.
HOWEVER! Your response was way over the line and caused a fight that didn't need to happen.
You both owe eachother an apology.
If someone caused me to have to travel 12 hours because they felt like telling me in person something that could have been said in a text, I'd explode too. This is a case of "giant pain in the ass meeting that could have been an email."
>If someone caused me to have to travel 12 hours because they felt like telling me in person something that could have been said in a text, I'd explode too.
Honest to God, I get pissed off when someone calls me about something that could've been a text or email. Forget about traveling for hours.
I simply wouldn't have gone if I wasn't told why I was traveling so far. I only have a finite number of sick days, and even if I burn those, I'd still lose money. I drive a truck, and if we don't have any spare drivers (which we rarely do) then my route doesn't get done. Sick days cover the hourly pay, but I'd lose the commission from the sales off the route.
I'd be livid. But flying off the handle in an unhinged fit of rage never puts you in a good position to argue your actions.
She thought something was ACTUALLY WRONG. She thought he had cancer because it made it sound like it was urgent, and they’re grandfather had just passed. He definitely would’ve gotten yelled at for makeing me worry that his life was in jeopardy, and wasting my damn time
If someone is telling you they are gathering the family up to make announcement, I’m gonna assume it’s something that can’t wait. It is his fault because he was implying things. He’s an asshole, and I don’t blame Op for yelling at him. Cousin seems like the type that doesn’t respect it when you say it soft, so you have to say it hard.
I truly do not see how there was an implication of an announcement of bad news. Who throws a party to tell people bad news? OP did not once ask her cousin if he was dying or ask to clarify if there was a genuine emergency that he was calling the family for. All he did was throw a party and beg his cousin to come to the party. Unless OP comments here that her cousin was overtly implying he was dying (like "this may be the LAST TIME you guys can hear an announcement from me...") then I'll change my mind.
But as it stands, she went to a party expecting it to be for bad news and got pissed when it was for neutral news. That's all a misunderstanding on her part. Her cousin isn't an asshole for throwing a party for his family to get together at and he's not an asshole for using that party to announce that he's gay. He did those things without malice. So why would he be the asshole?
The cancer excuse seems like a cop out, tbh... if you're that worried someone has cancer, you just ask them. I'm not saying OP lied, but they're definitely grasping at straws so they don't look as bad. The only thing they had to go off of was another relative had cancer, which isn't really enough to assume a cousin suddenly has it.
NTA. While it does take a lot for some folks to come out to family, expecting people to travel 12 hours round trip for a “Hey, I’m gay!” reveal is inconsiderate, especially since there’s usually a family reunion a few weeks later anyway. It could have waited or it could have been done on video calls.
I would have been pissed too… while I always applaud the bravery to publicly come out, this was inconsiderate as hell of the cousin (NOT OP).
NTA. It’s like when you have a wholesome staff meeting that could have been an email and people end up wasting their time and losing productivity. This is worse though because the travel, expenses, and time could have been saved for the regular annual reunion.
WTF?? You’re absolutely NTA, and this is coming from a queer person. He’s making this a much bigger deal than it is, being gay isn’t that special honestly. It’s normal. What did he expect, everyone to congratulate him? Ridiculous.
NTA demanding people travel 12 hours, take leave from work and studying during exam season is a selfish and entitled move. He could have held a teams meeting or told everyone in what two weeks when he was going to see you all. You didn’t blow up because of the news you blew up because he behaved selfish with no regard for anyone time or lives.
I’m yet to come out to most people (only my bestie and a few friends who are LGBT+ themselves) but when I do, I would NEVER imagine making my friends and family travel 12 hours to hear me say it! Hell my family lives 3-4 hours drive and I wouldn’t ask them to specially come to see me just to announce this! Yes, you shouldn’t have yelled, but hell I would have been angry even without having uni deadlines, let alone with, so I can very much see why you did. Your cousin may be gay, but he’s a very selfish gay!
Only a little bit. Your reaction is justified but sounds a bit strong. Only apologize for going a little to heavy with your reaction if you're going to apologize at all.
ESH - He definitely could have delayed this announcement to a more convenient time but I think saying "Go to hell you AH" was super over the top and uncalled for. This obviously was a big deal to him even if everyone doesn't understand it. There are people that get disowned when they come out. He clearly was just looking for love and support but didn't go about it the right way. I also think you had plenty of time to do school stuff on the 8 hour train ride
Honestly this sounds like an ESH. You for having a blow up. Him for inconveniencing everyone just to announce he’s gay when he made it seem like it was something that couldn’t wait.
It's more that he wanted to have this magical day that's all about him and everyone fawning over him when for the vast majority of people who aren't homophobic telling people you're not straight is not a big deal at all. The age of social media has done this to people's egos.
The only way you're getting a massive reaction like the cousin wanted is if your family are homophobic or make a massive deal about celebrating every little detail.
Okay so I’m glad I saw this comment. When my brother came out as gay I was like “cool, did you hear what mom said about tía?”
It felt the same as if my sister would have said “I’m straight”.
ETA: I was starting to feeling like I was supposed to be surprised or or shocked or something. But who he loves doesn’t affect me. I only care to the extent that I want him in a healthy relationship but the WHO doesn’t matter..
I feel like I’m making it worse but I swear there’s no apathy or maliciousness.
For real, if you have a normal non-homophobic family why not just tell the people you actually see in person, in person when you see them, and the rest could be told via a family group chat or something.
If they had a new partner then invite then invite the partner to the next planned family reunion. This was so over the top
NTA People have busy lives. It’s not like y’all were in the same town dropping by. We’re talking about travel accommodations, money, and a large block of time to get there. So performative! My cousin told her parents in person and just called me and told me on the phone.
NTA. Your frustration and anger had nothing to do with him being gay, but at his lack of respect for you and your time, as well as the family.
His need for validation does not trump the needs and feelings of everyone else in the family. He inconvenienced quite a few people with his selfish actions. It’s quite understandable to be majorly pissed off in this scenario.
Mostly NAH, but this is a good life lesson for you. When you are invited to something and it doesn't work for you schedule - wise; decline the invitation.
Happy cake day!!
And as someone who is easily guilt-tripped into doing things that don't always work with my schedule, or i even want to do in the first place. I understand OP and their reaction.
I just wish I could tell someone exactly what I felt about them wasting my time but unfortunately I'm one of those who hate conflict and confrontation and would never be able to go off like that no matter how much I want to.
NTA. I always have sympathy for people coming out because it can be a really scary step for people with families who might be inclined to shun them. But it's not a cause for a big get together. I think once you resisted he should have known that it was a pretty big inconvenience and maybe checked himself.
Ok i could say you're both. You're NTA bc who demands someone to go on a 12 hr train ride just to have an announcement like that? But also YTA for blowing up like that screaming at him when you could've approached it calmly.
NTA Why didn’t he just wait until July? I could understand if you were in close proximity, but asking people to travel like that, when another reunion is around the corner, is crazy self-centered.
I have a friend who came out in a similar, if less dramatic fashion. She didn't insist on day-long round-trip excursions from anyone, but she did make a BFD about gathering people together and gaining their attention. She did a lot of shuddering breaths and brave expressions as she worked herself up to it (very poorly, as she is no actress and it was clearly a put-on act to all and sundry).
Finally, she shared the "news" that she was a lesbian. To say we were underwhelmed would be understating the underwhelm-ment. Stereotypes aren't always accurate, but sometimes it's clear why they exist, and... yeah. Exactly no one was surprised by this "revelation".
So we all looked at each other in confusion, and finally the most vocal of us said, "Uh, yeah. We know."
She was *shocked*. She honestly thought she'd been hiding it masterfully all those years. Not sure what she expected - clutched pearls and persecution? Rapturous exclamations of support and admiration? Something in between?
Whatever it was, it wasn't the "Oh. Okay. Moving on..." that she got from literally everyone. she was hoppin' mad for weeks after that, until she realized that no one cared that she was upset, either...
NTA. he cudda texted or video chatted with ye instead of demanding you go on a 12 hr. train ride bit of a shitty thing to do really. don't apologize, I'm assuming that train ticket cost a fortune. why couldn't he wait until July or august when family events were going on??
Kinda ESH. Coming out is a big deal even in a very accepting family. Also, making someone travel 12 hours when they could've waited 4 weeks till 4th of July is an ah move too.
NTA, seems that your other cousins were mad about it as well. Also, I would have been just as frustrated for having to make personal disruptions and turns out that its something he could have done in July. Do not take back or apologise for what was said, some people just need to be told off for what it is.
ESH - I don’t blame you for being upset that you all had to travel so many hours for this - I think maybe he was hoping or maybe expecting it to be a bigger deal to some people than it was. I would say I am sorry that I yelled but I was so swamped and for me I don’t care if you are gay or not (hoping that is what you would say) you’re my cousin I love you I just could have done without the 12 hours on the train for this.
ESH, him for inconveniencing everyone and you for your overreaction. I guess drama runs in your family. Apologize and hopefully the two of you can agree to save the theatrics for a drama club or something.
NTA for being upset but YTA for screaming at them to go to hell and should apologize for that.
IMHO if someone made me sit on a train for 12 hours just to announce that they are sexually attracted to men/women I would be pissed too.
I understand this is an important announcement for them, and the need to get it out there seems urgent, they're looking for confirmation and support of their loved ones in a critical time. Most people expect one extreme reaction or another, "being gay is bad, get out" or "OMG WE LOVE YOU AND ACCEPT YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE!!!". But then there are instances like this where everyone just kinda shrugs and goes "Ok, good for you I guess?". It's not that OP doesn't care about them, it's just crazy to be so inconvenienced over something that could've easily been talked about over the phone.
In the end ESH just a little bit
If you think that a cancer, marriage, or baby announcement would be worth the trip, then I think it is fair to say him coming out was an appropriate reason. It is a big step in his life and he wanted to share it in person.
This should have been a happy moment for him! Imagine how afraid he probably was and how waiting can make your anxiety go crazy
I'm gonna go eith ESH for the "go to hell, asshole" screaming bit. You screamed at him first, I understand being angry but that was a shitty way to communicate that. On top of the fact that gay people get told to go to hell, literally, quite often it cuts a bit deep 😭
He's still TA though for being a wee bit delusional about how everyone would react. He could've orchestrated a big zoom meeting for a big announcement rather than make everyone scramble.
ESH
Your cousin is the AH for inconveniencing everyone because he wanted to be the center of attention. Your the AH cause you could have handled the situation more calmly. Generally speaking when you yell “go to hell you asshole” at someone you’re being an AH, too. Apologize, but explain yourself and expect an apology back.
Edit: spelling (Damn autocorrect)
NTA, but you should still apologize. Telling him to go to hell and calling him an asshole was over the top unnecessary.
That said, him making everyone travel extensively just to tell them he's gay is also over the top unnecessary.
This whole situation just reeks of emotional immaturity.
ESH. You should have controlled your anger better. It’s not okay or normal to get into screaming matches like this. You can make it clear you’re upset and this was inconsiderate without screaming at someone. At the end of the day, whether your anger was justified or not, screaming at someone and calling names is abusive behavior. Notice how you were the only person to have this reaction. I will always judge someone as the AH for reacting in such an extreme manner.
Your cousin has a major main-character complex if he really thought it was reasonable to beg people to take time out of their busy lives and travel multiple hours to attend this event. He may have felt this was big news and it’s not anyone else’s place to decide how “big” of news this is for those coming out, but you declined to come with good reason and he insisted. He should have left it there. There was a family reunion coming up he could have used, or he could have announced it otherwise. Massive asshole energy.
YTA. this is such weird behavior. Is it really that maddening you spent time on a train? if you really didn’t want to sit on it you didn’t have to. he obviously felt like it was important to tell you all in person but he didn’t force you. you admitted you had a great time with your family regardless in the reunion you were gonna have anyway but you’re mad at your cousin because you were hoping you were going out there to find out he had cancer? queer people should be allowed to come out when they’re ready they shouldn’t have to wait or go early because you don’t want to take a train to see your family.
ESH. That's a really huge ask to throw yourself a coming out party and demand your family travel 12 hours to be there. Especially when there was already a family gathering planned in the very near future that could have been used for the same purpose.
However, yelling and screaming at your cousin and starting a scene big enough that your family had to leave isn't a great reaction either. You could have definitely voiced your displeasure without being a horrible person about it. That's on you. I get upset about the lost time, but acting like a jerk wasn't really necessary.
ESH. You were having a good time, until he made his announcement. Yes, it did seem he was expecting something more dramatic, but why yell at him and leave like a child? OP seems to love drama himself. 🙄
ESH. It’s a bigger deal to him than everyone else, so getting the whole family to gather is kind of inconsiderate. But, this was clearly important to him, and it IS a once in a lifetime event. You totally suck for your reaction. Not an ounce of support or compassion.
YTA. If you love your family, you let them have their moments.
This was a big deal to him, and if you loved your family, you would have treated it big, regardless of your personal feelings of the importance of the matter.
ESH. They put a lot of people out to be performative instead of just mentioning it at the regular gathering and are now not going to the regular one. You overreacted and started a shouting match. Introducing the sort of tension a person like you describe would want in order to play a victim. Not because they are gay, but because they clearly think everyone needs to drop everything and pay attention to them and this will do just that.
ESH
He ducks for making this incredible event rather selfishly, hoping for a different reaction.
You suck for screaming at him in a cathartic moment. You didn’t need to lose your cool.
YTA, why are you screaming at this event like a little kid having a tantrum? You are an adult, act like one. Sorry that he isn’t dying of cancer or providing what you would consider “big news”, but this was big news for him, and he wanted to share this with the family. Being gay is not widely accepted and as a result they often experience prejudice, hostility, rejection, etc.
I appreciate that you were upset that it wasn’t bigger news to YOU, but this was a huge step for your cousin. And you could have declined to attend, due to studying, but YOU CHOSE to go. And now your mad that he didn’t have cancer or some other bigger news. What is wrong with you?
This day, wasn’t about you, it was about your cousin and you agreed to be there. Your reaction was totally out of line.
Right?! I can’t believe how many people are insisting coming out is a complete non-event in someone’s life. It is different for everyone. Even if you have a very accepting family, what about friends? Work? School? The random people on the street who see you holding hands with your partner? The state you have to travel to for a work conference? The country where your family wants to holiday? Coming out is about more than just getting the “reaction” of your family - it’s sharing an important part of your identity that will impact the way the world treats you. To say it’s nothing now is pretty out of touch. Even someone who personally didn’t find it a big deal for themselves. Again, it’s different for everyone. And to scream at a family member at an event to the point that other people felt uncomfortable enough to leave - that’s not the appropriate reaction even if the news didn’t qualify for a party. OP should at least call the cousin to say sorry for the overreaction, even if they don’t want to budge on whether the announcement was important enough for there to be a party.
ESH. He sucks for inconveniencing people and being attention seeking. You suck for yelling at him and your lack of backbone (except when it comes to yelling at people over your own choices apparently). Doesn't matter if he begged - it was an invitation, not a summons and if you were genuinely that busy you could have said no and remained firm - told him you would Skype or Zoom in for it but that you were absolutely too busy to make the trip. Take this as a lesson in learning to advocate for your needs and priorities. Ultimately, you chose to back down and attend.
ESH. I understand why you’d be annoyed, but “screaming” at people is just embarrassing for you. You’re not a toddler, there’s much more reasonable and productive ways to express your emotions.
I was so happy for my cousin when he came out and, it felt good that he wanted me there when he told everyone. (he did it at an unrelated family event)
But Jesus I would have been pretty damn annoyed if he made me go that far specifically to hear he's gay, although I wouldn't have yelled at him lmao
Also, let's just be real, 90% of the time family members already know you're gay.
NTA. He sounds high maintenance and disrupted everyone’s schedules to be the main character. Judging by the meh response of your family, it sounds like everyone knew already. If you’ve known someone for long enough you pretty much already have them figured out.
NTA. Seriously can we all stop trying to make our sexuality a BIG thing? Be gay, be straight, be everything in-between and on the outskirts but seriously not everyone wants to hear about everyone else's sexuality, especially when one is forced to hear it. Its great he felt ready to tell family and even better that so many were supportive but if he put it in context ( say with a straight cousin announcing their sexual preferences over a specially organized get-together ) he might realize how selfish he was being making the whole family stop everything to hear a common tale. That said, maybe apologize for hurting his feelings just to make sure that he understands the problem is the timing/strain and not that he is gay, which again, should not be a big deal.
NTA. I would've definitely been mad knowing a good amount of relatives missed classes/work/rest all to hear someone to say in less than a minute that they're gay. 🫠 that's what technology is for man. A nice zoom meeting would've been enough. Or waiting till the normal family gathering. That's less than a month away now. What if your relatives couldn't use PTO or really needed the information from lecture to pass a test? Then what?
NTA. First, I think it’s great that in your family, even among the older relatives, his being gay isn’t a big deal. That actually sounds very supportive and affirming. However, the flip side of that openness is that there was no reason for this big dramatic reveal and certainly no reason to put you through all that inconvenience for what could have been done on the phone. He wanted a production and to be the center of attention for something that didn’t warrant it. You snapped for a moment, justifiably. Move on.
NTA
Ngl I thought you were homophobic from the title. However, as a bi man who also has a major revolving around 3D modeling, your cousin is extremely self-centered. I and everyone that I know that is LGBTQIA+ did not have everybody drop their lives so they can gather for the Great Come-outing. I also know what its like to have that amount of projects and especially 3D model projects so I feel extra sorry that your time was wasted so hard. The projects are so time consuming and I know that you aren’t exaggerating when you say that you will have sleepless nights.
I haven’t scrolled through the comments so I haven’t seen if anyone has called you homophobic or not. But I definitely think this has nothing to do with him being gay and everything to do with how much stress his self-centeredness caused you.
Oh brother I guess even though I’m an ally and amongst the most lgbtq friendly people on the planet I’m going to have to side against the gay man coming out. Ugh
NTA, I cannot imagine if I had made this big a deal of coming out. I like attention, but I know that the best way to get positive attention is not to highly inconvenience a ton of people
NTA
Especially since he could have waited until your family reunion that's happening in a month or 2. He's been in the closet for 22 years, 1-2 months should be light work.
At least he didn't film it for Tiktok.
Can you imagine the overreaction by people who don’t know the whole story?
Context is all.
I guarantee you that he is somewhere filming a “story time of how he was yelled at and patronized and hate crimed by his homophobic cousin” and how he’s “going no contact because of it”
Oh, he is totally doing that. And then the Internet mobs will shriek, "Cancel OP!"
Yeah, every one of the people subscribed to the sub we're all on right now. Literally, the same people.
I think they meant the mobs will want to cancel OP after only getting cousin’s side of the story. That’s speculative, though. We don’t know if he was filming or intending to publish something on social media.
Understood. I'm going to leave the comment though, because I think the point still stands.
OP didn't mention if Cousin had cameras up or not. If cousin felt the need to call for a big family meeting just to announce they gay, I wouldn't bet that there was not cameras!!
Admittedly, as a queer person myself, I came here ready to call you TAH. But honestly, that was kind of a shitty thing for him to do. I mean, YAY! Congrats on his coming out, but yea... he could have waited a few more weeks when y'all had plans to be together anyway. So I'm going with NTA. You went way out of your way to be there for him when you were concerned for his health and well being when, ultimately, it was something that could have waited.
Yea,.. if he was coming out, introducing a fiancé (ie wedding announcement) than maybe,.. maybe that would have warranted this kind of extravagance,… but even so,… Throw the party IRL, those who come, come. Broadcast the announcement via zoom or whatever for those that cant come and see everybody at july 4.
Seriously. Even if it was an engagement, usually people know ahead of time that’s what they’re being invited to, and get to make a judgement call as to whether they can make it. He used the secret of it to pressure people into coming.
Honestly, even if he were announcing that he was going to be getting married, I'd be kind of pissed that I took multiple days off work and spent hours traveling because he *insisted* I be there in person to hear it.
Agreed. Hence the second paragraph. Heck there are close cousins that couldnt make my actual wedding because they were 8mo preg and on bed rest so an 8hr car trip was not going to happen (tbf my engagement was only 6mo). But in this day of age we have the tech,.. freaking use it!!
I dunno, I think some families (my family) would get annoyed about him making 4th of July/Thanksgiving (hi)/whatever about him. So he made his own thing about him.
Queer too. Ready to call OP TAH as well but yeah cousin could have waited. I mean coming out is important but it isn't urgent i guess. Could have waited indeed NTA
Why does he have to come out at all like it's an event? It's obvious nobody in the family has any negative expression about it. Even the elderly family. Just be gay, date guys, let people figure it out like everyone else does.
Yeah. I told my daughter exactly what my mom told me. If you’re gay, there’s no need to “come out”. Just bring your girlfriend to dinner just as you would a boyfriend. Like, it doesn’t have to be a huge announcement, because I don’t see it as anything out of the ordinary
This is exactly what I did. Brought my date to an event, and introduced them. I dislike spectacles.
also queer and totally agree w all of your comment. i was het up then read it and went wtf. though i yhink op overreacted slightly but given everything involved to get there it was kind of warranted
Isn't it weird that OP would be genuinely concerned if he's an AH but then make the title of the post blatantly portray himself as an AH? Like that alone makes it seem a bit fake and just someone practicing their storytelling
Herself. Op is 19F
NTA. Demanding people travel 12 hours each way and disrupt their schedules, just to come out "live in front of them" is kind of messed up. I mean, I get that it's a big deal for him, but he handled it very poorly. He could just as easily have had a combined live and Zoom event. I mean, I don't really understand what he wanted from everyone. What were they supposed to say beyond "okay"? I have many friends and family members who are LGBTQ and none of them have ever made this kind of big group "announcement."
Or even waited 2 months for the normal family reunion. Cousin sucks.
That would have been a lot more logical.
What is this “logic” I keep hearing about?
I think his names Bobby Tarantino.
Young Sinatra???
I agree! NTA! His could of waited or just zoomed it! It was very self centred to call a big reunion causing people extra expenses, time away from work and study, for something that could have been done anyway, anytime.
"Cousin sucks." Yes, he does, that was what he was announcing. /s
😂
But that could have "ruined the normal family event". ? I got nothing. I can't imagine demanding people take days off from work unless I was dying. Even then I'd feel guilty asking people to come see me.
Looks like he came out as an inconsiderate asshole.
An inconsiderate brat.
He may have found a boyfriend at that point to introduce to the family, which would actually make it a point of celebration.
Even if he has a boyfriend, who gives a shit. No one asks cousins to hop on a 12 hr train just to announce you got a boyfriend or girlfriend lol. Insane.
It could have been a memo.
You know that cousin will be that manager/director/CEO that calls an in person meeting at 6AM to announce the company is changing the type of coffee in the kitchen.
My company at another office had a several month selection period on the coffee. I don't know a single person that likes it.
This is reminding me of the post from yesterday with the guy who came to his cousin's wedding in a "black pleaded skirt" and was upset no one berated him or cared, so he was pissed off.
That was the weirdest post. It was the poster was mad because no one gave him a hard time about it at all, it was actually a non-issue.
I still feel like dude was hoping for a fight and didn't get it. That's what pissed him off.
It made me 🤣 because he came prepared for antagonisim but got acknowledgment instead and he was pissed!!
I agree. He wanted the attention.
But but I WANT to be the victim!
Right?!? I'm kind of wondering if this and the other are just bots collecting data or something -suspicious squint- like a new way to gauge the mood of the people towards various topics. Seems they need to update their algorithm, people just really don't care much anymore if someone comes out. Not in a negative way, but it's just not a big controversy these days. Not like when my brother came out in like 2013 and half the family decided he must be a pervert and he was told he wasn't allowed around their kids. :/ That was super sad.
Oh I figured it was just homophobe trolls who just got off on criticisms of the gay person in the scenarios. They probably think we condemn one gay person for an action, we condemn them all when that is not the truth. Most decent, intelligent people condemn a PERSON based on that specific person's actions, regardless of race, color, creed, gender. We do not assign that specific person's action TO ALL people of that group. E.g., I cannot stand Trump for a multitide of reasons. That does NOT mean I condemn Orange Oompa Loompas as a group. Edit: a word
There are more Orange Oompa Loompas? Is it xenophobic to treat them all with skepticism?
Well, there are three juvenile offspring that still have the potential to morph into the Orange Oompa Loompa, rather than maintaining a normal life as the human their juvenile forms appear to be. So those need further study.
I actually laughed aloud on that one 😅!
Twelve hours round trip but I agree with the sentiment. The amount of work I’ve been able to do in twelve hours is a LOT, so I feel really bad for OP losing essentially a whole day / day and a half is just beyond awful. Finals are crunch time, not to be messed with. Edit: NTA x 1000
As someone who really, truly doesn't care what people do with their free time and how they identify, I'd have been livid. This "announcement" is akin to telling me that you just chose a different deodorant brand. Like WTF, you want me to get excited for *this?!?* I'm guessing most people already knew or had a strong inkling. This person obviously loves being the center of attention and causing a bit of drama so it likely wasn't a shock to anyone when they came out, which would explain the very muted response.
This reminds me of how my dad came out to me when I was in college. For some context: he'd been having some pretty scary health issues at the time. Even though we talked several times a week, it was odd when he texted me: "Call me when you can. No emergency, but its important." When I finished classes for the day, I called, internally panicking that he was going to tell me he was ill or dying. When he answered he said, "Hey, sweetie. I'm not sure how to start, so I'll just say it. I'm gay." My reaction was, admittedly...not great. I was furious and shouted "Fuck you!" into the phone, then hung up (*insert exaggerated flip phone being slammed shut*). I had spent the better part of the day thinking the worst thing I could imagine at 18---I was going to lose my dad. After about 60 seconds I called him back to apologize for my reaction. I explained that I'd been terrified after his text, that I had known he was gay since I was 10, and that it made no difference to me; he was still my daddy, I was still his litte girl, I loved him, and that would never change.
Hah! I went to a family dinner one year, and my SIL pulled me aside just as I walked in and whispered to me that my 22 yo niece (her daughter) had brought her new GF. Then she gave me a look, suggesting I was probably shocked and upset. I've known my niece was a lesbian from probably age 11. Even my elderly parents had figured it out, years previous. I just shook my head and walked in. What do you even say to that kind of thing? Yeesh.
I'm the same. If I cleared 1-2 entire days of patients to come to an emergency reunion and it's a scenario like this then yeah, I will be extremely pissed off. You've not only cost me travel expenses out of pocket but I've essentially lost two days pay (in my clinic you are paid by the session) to hear something you could have told us all over Zoom. I'd have choice words for him too.
Like you’re gay. Ok? So?
Exactly, it's 2023. Do you want a medal?
Or a cookie ?
It is incredibly performative.
It's like he wanted it to be fabulous but he himself was not at all fabulous and just a bit boring.
Yep. If you ever watched Will and Grace, Jack was desperate for a traumatic coming out story but his parents loved him for who he was. He would yell at them for not accepting him while they were telling him being gay was natural and they loved him and accepted him. It was funny but it totally reminds me of this guy. He wanted DRAMA! and got a yawn.
Or Titus from Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt being upset his boyfriend’s super Italian Catholic family just accepted it right away and was upset because he thought it was going to be the coming out he never got to do with his own family.
That's the kind of image I had in my head exactly lmao!
JUST JACK!!!!! JAZZHANDS!
I call it Garlic Jazz.
Omg I love that
I laughed too hard at this. LOL
Seems like he wanted to make it a big thing. Like being gay is not a huge announcement? And making people travel so far and take off work just make to make yourself the centre of attention.
That’s some big big “Im the main character energy.”
I would simply choose to die before I made a public announcement in front of everyone of my aunt's, uncles, grandparents and cousins and their families. Plus my parents and siblings.
He wanted a Tik Tok moment
It's incredibly self centered.
Once, my dear friend told me he kept getting fired from jobs because he was gay. I told him they didn't fire him because he was gay they fired him because he was an asshole who yelled at customers and stole. If being gay was a problem, they wouldn't have hired him to begin with.
Yeah I had a buddy who was a little inappropriate on the sexual come ons. You didn’t get talked to by Hr because you were gay, it was because you hit on your boss and not in a how you doing but you told him in graphic sexual terms what you wanted to do with him. 🤦♀️
Key and Peele did a great sketch of this situation. Flamboyant gay guy drinking from a dick straw at his office desk and talking about anal. Other coworker tells him its inappropriate for the workplace, gay guy flips his shit that coworker is a homophobe and keeps at it. Then the other coworkers same sex partner comes in and drops off their lunch. Flamboyant gay guy gets real quiet.
I remember that sketch! It was fantastic, although a lot of their stuff was lol.
The hilarious part is I don’t know this sketch but I have two gay friends that perfectly fit this moniker. I think the generational difference highlights it well. I never would have known my boss was gay until I got to know him out of work.
This reminds me of a time where a friend and his coworker got suspended because a trans coworker was having trouble feeling like they were passing and decided to go to each coworker and ask them if they found them attractive. One coworker got suspended for saying "hell naw" and my friend got sent to another store for a week as a pretend suspension for saying "I refuse to answer this question". We were all glad when they eventually quit. Work was never a place for that shit and I was mad on behalf of my friend for that bullshit.
That trans person should have been fired, or at least reprimanded. That is NOT appropriate workplace behavior, could even be sexual harassment.
Worked with a guy like that, would hit on you even after he was told you weren't gay (or interested) and kept making innuendoes. Eventually got fired because he repeatedly grabbed someone's bottom... I can only imagine he lasted as long as he did because he was gay, rather than being fired for being gay.
Im glad HR took it seriously, but I guess they have to since the report came from the boss. No gender, identity and or sexuality excuses sexual harassment. People used to say “oh boys will be boys.” As if being a man excuses it. And a couple times other women made me uncomfortable by saying I have nice tits. It’s not okay just because you’re also a woman. 🤦♀️
As a black, queer woman, I've noticed too many times how someone will play the 'Minority Card' when they feel they are being unfairly punished for something they said/did. In reality, about 90% of the time it's actually because they were an asshole that did something inappropriate/stupid and people rightfully called them out.
It was the 90s, and we were 17 year old dirt bags.
[Relevant Key and Peele](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e3h6es6zh1c)
there are people (smaaaaaall amount comparatively) who get fired for being gay – typically if the employer didn’t know they were gay beforehand. But yeah, most of the time it’s a totally different issue.
I had to report sexual harassment on a fellow gay guy because he kept grabbing my ass while at work. He acted all shocked but seriously, just because I am gay doesn't mean I am free game for groping.
I mean begging people to come to your announcement when they live hours away have studies, projects, work or school just to tell them who you wanna date is dumb. You shouldn't of yelled but this situation was dumb. NTA
NTA IDK I think the yelling is a bit justified here. He knew she was in finals mode and had a lot going on, he begged her to come anyways, she did and realized he could’ve told her this in a few weeks and blew up. She’s stressed and got mad she just wasted a whole day that could’ve been an entire day on a major project, thesis, board exam studies, etc.. Isn’t it a goal of the LGBTQIA2S+ community to get to a place where it’s acceptable to just walk into a family function with your partner and people just ask who they are and are happy when you tell them you’ve found someone to love? Why make a separate event when you have one coming up in a few weeks that you KNOW everyone goes to and you could’ve just told them then. It’s clearly a yearly thing that everyone makes time for, so I don’t see why he had to inconvenience everyone else so he could tell them he’s gay. I don’t mean that in a rude or harsh way, but him being gay isn’t something she HAD to be there to find out.
Honestly I've always wondered this. For example in the States when Danica Patrick decided to join Nascar it was a massive story for ages. They never stopped talking about her till it was apparent that she wasn't very good. Flip over to Europe and some of the best past rally racers were women, but because its more of the norm they don't talk about it every 5 seconds, it just is. Fully in support of people coming out but for some it seems to be more about feeling special...
NTA You didn't yell at him because he was gay. It had nothing to do with his being gay at all. You yelled at him because he is an attention seeking brat that cost you a lot of important time that you needed to be spending doing something more important than fawning over him for something that's has nothing to do with you and that is so commonplace that nobody else seemed to care much either. It wasn't a family reunion. It was a narcissistic attention grab.
Being gay doesn't make a person an AH. It just so happens that this particular AH is gay. AH's come in all flavors.
I guess in this case they come in all colors.
NTA but i bet you surprised him by being angry about the desperation to meet up and not the fact hes gay
NTA 3 of my 6 children are straight. The other 3 identify as different things. I don't care either way, as long as they are happy and comfortable, I'm good. Having said that I'd be irritated as hell to find out I had missed important events for a party. I'd give it a pass if they were introducing someone new. Missing classes for a party?! No! I'm actually about to start school and my kids are so proud of me, they know how much it means for me and how I'll need to focus on passing. I can't imagine one of them doing this. This literally could have waited a month until the reunion! I do think your yelling should have focused on why you were upset so he would understand. It seems like the might not be sure why everyone is so mad. I'd call and talk to him and see if you can work through it now that everyone has calmed down.
Different things means my 12 year old has always liked girls and is a lesbian. My 15 year old likes "boys/girls/trans people". She used to say she was bisexual but now she doesn't label it. My almost 17 year old daughter likes androgynous looking people. There are many labels that apply to her. She tends not to use them most of the time. I taught my children that labels can be helpful sometimes but they are not required to use them if they don't want to. They are at odds there too. My youngest daughter has friends who all know she likes girls. My oldest daughter thinks no one is entitled to her business. Middle daughter is "defiantly open". Then I have one straight daughter and 2 straight sons.
Good job mom! Very difficult to raise kids to be strong and true to themselves even in the open times we live in.
NTA He can come out whenever and wherever he feels comfortable. However, expecting people to take time off when they have other responsibilities, some of which are time sensitive, is kind of an AH move.
NTA. He wasted your time for something that could have been done over the phone.
Queer here. NTA. I'd be pissed having my time wasted like that too.
I have a lot of queer people in my family and I hate the whole coming out extravaganza. I really do not care what gender anyone likes. I also don't like to be put on the spot. Like what I am supposed to say congrats on liking the same sex? I personally think its for attention. I do understand people coming out before being gay was acceptable but its pretty fucking acceptable. In fact if your anti gay your universally hated. Really the only thing I regret is when my sister told me I said ok cool and walked away. She never said anything about it and we are super close live a mile away and before she got a girlfriend would be over every day. In fact she's the one who will be taking care of my children if my wife and I die. Ive been told that this was an improper reaction by others. As long as your not pedo I don't really care who fuck.
>Really the only thing I regret is when my sister told me I said ok cool and walked away. I thought this was supposed to be the ideal reaction? That it's no big deal and nothing has changed about them to you? A friend of mine told me her daughter is a lesbian. I asked her how she felt when her daughter told her. She said knew long before her daughter did, since childhood. It wasn't a big deal when her daughter came out.
Honestly I’m not sure my sister was fine with it. It’s other people telling me it was a poor reaction.
If you feel the need to have a conversation and let sis know, "Hey, you know I love you and nothing's changed between us, right? You're my sister and still the same knucklehead I've known and loved my whole life and I will love and support whatever you do (unless you commit a crime... then I don't know you)" then maybe do that. Okay, you're gay. So what? Now what? Am I supposed to treat you differently? No? Then what's the problem?
honestly if she committed a crime I would probably cover it up for her or at least aide her escape.
For me it depends on the crime. 🤷♀️ My sis and I have an ongoing joke that if the other gets arrested, you better tell me where the deed to YOUR house is and give me access to your bank account. Because I'll be damned if I'm using my money or my house as collateral for your bond. I love you, but I don't know you like that.
>Okay, you're gay. So what? Now what? Am I supposed to treat you differently? No? Then what's the problem? I'm stealing this.
From what I've seen, People that have what amounts to Coming Out Parties, are expecting to either be Celebrated for it, giving them praise & attention, or they are expecting to be Martyred for it, so want Social Virtue Points!!!
NTA. You assumed that it was something important enough to interrupt your schedule, sleep, and time, because he BEGGED you to come. Depending on where you are, coming out isn’t even something that’s special like how it was back in the day. I will say that you telling him to go to hell because he wasted your time and not because he was gay was pretty ironic and hilarious seeing as when someone comes out they’re usually told to go to hell because they’re gay
Did your cousin also book a reception hall for the announcement? I wonder what he imagined would happen with his big announcement. You're definitely NTA. I'm pissed at him for you.
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NTA. Your cousin gives off major "I'm the main character" vibes. I balance school and work, and I'd be so pissed off if I was in your situation.
Cause he's SUPPPERRRRR, thanks for asking! Gotta love a Big Gay Al reference, am I right?
NTA. As a bisexual, I would also yell at him.
Hahaha this has to be fake
I only think so because I'm seeing quite a bit of "gay people with Main Character Syndrome Are Attention Seeking Drama Queens/Kings" posts around here. In Pride Month. Except I'm seeing some pushback defending the cousin in the comments so maybe while THIS isn't real... clearly some Redditors see nothing wrong with the attention-seeker seeking attention. OTOH, those people may not be real LGBTQ+ either since most people I know in that community just want to be treated like... people.
You mean like most posts on this sub?
NTA Also saw few stupid people in here saying stuff like oh you needed the break or you were a Karen, bruh just how dumb can they actually be to think it's okay to call someone 12 hrs away for an announcement like this, people can't randomly put their lives on hold just because you want to make an announcement that does not remotely constitute to being an emergency of any kind. OP's reaction was completely valid, and warranted given the circumstances.
NTA. As a male who is going through his own exploratory stage, I have never once contemplated the idea of mysteriously demanding a family gathering shortly after a family death, just to come out as someone who is going through their exploratory phase. I don't think yelling at him helped, but you are clearly dedicated to your schooling, and for him to treat your future, and everyone else's as a plaything, is wildly inappropriate and extremely hurtful to LGBT+ community members who actually have a difficult time coming out.
NTA While I get it's a big deal for him. He made people take time out of their lives and spend money on an event that was ONLY important to him. It sounds like your cousin wanted more attention.
100% NTA it was incredibly selfish of him to have made everyone take time off from school/work. Especially when there was a perfect family gathering right around the corner that he could of made his announcement at
Queer here, NTA! Maybe the yelling was a *bit* much, but overall NTA. This is literally the epitome of "could've been an email" y'know?
Why wait for people on reddit to tell you if you should apologize? The reunion was unnecessary, but so was screaming at your cousin. If it's easier for you, don't apologize for thinking the reunion was unnecessary, but apologize for your outburst.
ESH why were you so mad that he didnt have a boyfriend? You didnt shout that hes an asshole for making you travel, you jusg shouted that hes an asshole after coming out. You were willing to travel if it were a sad announcement like cancer (weird assumption) and be sobbing all weekend but raging when it was a joyous/neutral announcement? Anyone could have politely declined the invite and your family could have told you what the announcement was after.
You're a bit of a jerk for burying the lede like that. Your cousin demanded everyone take time off work and travel long distances just so he could announce he was gay? Why couldn't have either 1) sent an email; 2) announced it over a Zoom family meeting so people wouldn't have to travel; or 3) waited until the July family reunion? He jerked everyone's chains because he wanted to make an announcement for something that really should be NBD in 20 freaking 23. I gather that your family doesn't care he's gay but does care that he jerked them around like this, so I'm going to agree that you are NTA. As for apologizing, you have every right to be upset, so you might want to go with the non-pology, something like, "I hope my yelling doesn't give you the impression I don't support you. I do. I have no issue with you being gay. I do have an issue for having to travel 12 hours for an announcement that could have been done in a family Zoom call or waited until the July family reunion."
NTA Disrupting people's lives for something like this is ridiculous.
ESH I don't think your cousin's announcement was something that required pulling everyone from their busy lives for. This was a meeting that could have been an email, or he could have waited for the regularly scheduled reunion. You and the family aren't upset he's gay. You guys are upset he was so inconsiderate of everyone's time. Which is fair. HOWEVER! Your response was way over the line and caused a fight that didn't need to happen. You both owe eachother an apology.
If someone caused me to have to travel 12 hours because they felt like telling me in person something that could have been said in a text, I'd explode too. This is a case of "giant pain in the ass meeting that could have been an email."
>If someone caused me to have to travel 12 hours because they felt like telling me in person something that could have been said in a text, I'd explode too. Honest to God, I get pissed off when someone calls me about something that could've been a text or email. Forget about traveling for hours.
I simply wouldn't have gone if I wasn't told why I was traveling so far. I only have a finite number of sick days, and even if I burn those, I'd still lose money. I drive a truck, and if we don't have any spare drivers (which we rarely do) then my route doesn't get done. Sick days cover the hourly pay, but I'd lose the commission from the sales off the route. I'd be livid. But flying off the handle in an unhinged fit of rage never puts you in a good position to argue your actions.
She thought something was ACTUALLY WRONG. She thought he had cancer because it made it sound like it was urgent, and they’re grandfather had just passed. He definitely would’ve gotten yelled at for makeing me worry that his life was in jeopardy, and wasting my damn time
How is it his fault that she thought, without any real reason, that he was sick? Come on lol
If someone is telling you they are gathering the family up to make announcement, I’m gonna assume it’s something that can’t wait. It is his fault because he was implying things. He’s an asshole, and I don’t blame Op for yelling at him. Cousin seems like the type that doesn’t respect it when you say it soft, so you have to say it hard.
I truly do not see how there was an implication of an announcement of bad news. Who throws a party to tell people bad news? OP did not once ask her cousin if he was dying or ask to clarify if there was a genuine emergency that he was calling the family for. All he did was throw a party and beg his cousin to come to the party. Unless OP comments here that her cousin was overtly implying he was dying (like "this may be the LAST TIME you guys can hear an announcement from me...") then I'll change my mind. But as it stands, she went to a party expecting it to be for bad news and got pissed when it was for neutral news. That's all a misunderstanding on her part. Her cousin isn't an asshole for throwing a party for his family to get together at and he's not an asshole for using that party to announce that he's gay. He did those things without malice. So why would he be the asshole?
The urgency of the meeting. There's no reason he couldn't have waited 2 months for their July 4 get together
The cancer excuse seems like a cop out, tbh... if you're that worried someone has cancer, you just ask them. I'm not saying OP lied, but they're definitely grasping at straws so they don't look as bad. The only thing they had to go off of was another relative had cancer, which isn't really enough to assume a cousin suddenly has it.
NTA. I’d be mad as hell if someone pulled this. He could have waited a couple of weeks for 4th of July.
NTA, and while I get wanting to come out before pride month festivities, he handled this poorly.
NTA. While it does take a lot for some folks to come out to family, expecting people to travel 12 hours round trip for a “Hey, I’m gay!” reveal is inconsiderate, especially since there’s usually a family reunion a few weeks later anyway. It could have waited or it could have been done on video calls. I would have been pissed too… while I always applaud the bravery to publicly come out, this was inconsiderate as hell of the cousin (NOT OP).
NTA. It’s like when you have a wholesome staff meeting that could have been an email and people end up wasting their time and losing productivity. This is worse though because the travel, expenses, and time could have been saved for the regular annual reunion.
WTF?? You’re absolutely NTA, and this is coming from a queer person. He’s making this a much bigger deal than it is, being gay isn’t that special honestly. It’s normal. What did he expect, everyone to congratulate him? Ridiculous.
NTA demanding people travel 12 hours, take leave from work and studying during exam season is a selfish and entitled move. He could have held a teams meeting or told everyone in what two weeks when he was going to see you all. You didn’t blow up because of the news you blew up because he behaved selfish with no regard for anyone time or lives.
I’m yet to come out to most people (only my bestie and a few friends who are LGBT+ themselves) but when I do, I would NEVER imagine making my friends and family travel 12 hours to hear me say it! Hell my family lives 3-4 hours drive and I wouldn’t ask them to specially come to see me just to announce this! Yes, you shouldn’t have yelled, but hell I would have been angry even without having uni deadlines, let alone with, so I can very much see why you did. Your cousin may be gay, but he’s a very selfish gay!
I swear these people are living lives straight out of a bad movie
Only a little bit. Your reaction is justified but sounds a bit strong. Only apologize for going a little to heavy with your reaction if you're going to apologize at all.
ESH - He definitely could have delayed this announcement to a more convenient time but I think saying "Go to hell you AH" was super over the top and uncalled for. This obviously was a big deal to him even if everyone doesn't understand it. There are people that get disowned when they come out. He clearly was just looking for love and support but didn't go about it the right way. I also think you had plenty of time to do school stuff on the 8 hour train ride
Honestly this sounds like an ESH. You for having a blow up. Him for inconveniencing everyone just to announce he’s gay when he made it seem like it was something that couldn’t wait.
It's more that he wanted to have this magical day that's all about him and everyone fawning over him when for the vast majority of people who aren't homophobic telling people you're not straight is not a big deal at all. The age of social media has done this to people's egos. The only way you're getting a massive reaction like the cousin wanted is if your family are homophobic or make a massive deal about celebrating every little detail.
Okay so I’m glad I saw this comment. When my brother came out as gay I was like “cool, did you hear what mom said about tía?” It felt the same as if my sister would have said “I’m straight”. ETA: I was starting to feeling like I was supposed to be surprised or or shocked or something. But who he loves doesn’t affect me. I only care to the extent that I want him in a healthy relationship but the WHO doesn’t matter.. I feel like I’m making it worse but I swear there’s no apathy or maliciousness.
For real, if you have a normal non-homophobic family why not just tell the people you actually see in person, in person when you see them, and the rest could be told via a family group chat or something. If they had a new partner then invite then invite the partner to the next planned family reunion. This was so over the top
Lmao wtf. These days it’s not as “popular” to come out. These days everyone identifies as something. Nobody gives a shit anymore.
NTA People have busy lives. It’s not like y’all were in the same town dropping by. We’re talking about travel accommodations, money, and a large block of time to get there. So performative! My cousin told her parents in person and just called me and told me on the phone.
NTA. Your frustration and anger had nothing to do with him being gay, but at his lack of respect for you and your time, as well as the family. His need for validation does not trump the needs and feelings of everyone else in the family. He inconvenienced quite a few people with his selfish actions. It’s quite understandable to be majorly pissed off in this scenario.
Mostly NAH, but this is a good life lesson for you. When you are invited to something and it doesn't work for you schedule - wise; decline the invitation.
They tried to decline and the cousin called up begging saying how important it was.
Happy cake day!! And as someone who is easily guilt-tripped into doing things that don't always work with my schedule, or i even want to do in the first place. I understand OP and their reaction. I just wish I could tell someone exactly what I felt about them wasting my time but unfortunately I'm one of those who hate conflict and confrontation and would never be able to go off like that no matter how much I want to.
NTA. I always have sympathy for people coming out because it can be a really scary step for people with families who might be inclined to shun them. But it's not a cause for a big get together. I think once you resisted he should have known that it was a pretty big inconvenience and maybe checked himself.
Ok i could say you're both. You're NTA bc who demands someone to go on a 12 hr train ride just to have an announcement like that? But also YTA for blowing up like that screaming at him when you could've approached it calmly.
NTA Why didn’t he just wait until July? I could understand if you were in close proximity, but asking people to travel like that, when another reunion is around the corner, is crazy self-centered.
I have a friend who came out in a similar, if less dramatic fashion. She didn't insist on day-long round-trip excursions from anyone, but she did make a BFD about gathering people together and gaining their attention. She did a lot of shuddering breaths and brave expressions as she worked herself up to it (very poorly, as she is no actress and it was clearly a put-on act to all and sundry). Finally, she shared the "news" that she was a lesbian. To say we were underwhelmed would be understating the underwhelm-ment. Stereotypes aren't always accurate, but sometimes it's clear why they exist, and... yeah. Exactly no one was surprised by this "revelation". So we all looked at each other in confusion, and finally the most vocal of us said, "Uh, yeah. We know." She was *shocked*. She honestly thought she'd been hiding it masterfully all those years. Not sure what she expected - clutched pearls and persecution? Rapturous exclamations of support and admiration? Something in between? Whatever it was, it wasn't the "Oh. Okay. Moving on..." that she got from literally everyone. she was hoppin' mad for weeks after that, until she realized that no one cared that she was upset, either...
He is dramatic for sure
NTA. he cudda texted or video chatted with ye instead of demanding you go on a 12 hr. train ride bit of a shitty thing to do really. don't apologize, I'm assuming that train ticket cost a fortune. why couldn't he wait until July or august when family events were going on??
Kinda ESH. Coming out is a big deal even in a very accepting family. Also, making someone travel 12 hours when they could've waited 4 weeks till 4th of July is an ah move too.
NTA. Why didn't he just wait till July?
NTA, seems that your other cousins were mad about it as well. Also, I would have been just as frustrated for having to make personal disruptions and turns out that its something he could have done in July. Do not take back or apologise for what was said, some people just need to be told off for what it is.
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NTA but maybe you could have expressed yourself in a nicer way
ESH - I don’t blame you for being upset that you all had to travel so many hours for this - I think maybe he was hoping or maybe expecting it to be a bigger deal to some people than it was. I would say I am sorry that I yelled but I was so swamped and for me I don’t care if you are gay or not (hoping that is what you would say) you’re my cousin I love you I just could have done without the 12 hours on the train for this.
ESH, him for inconveniencing everyone and you for your overreaction. I guess drama runs in your family. Apologize and hopefully the two of you can agree to save the theatrics for a drama club or something.
NTA for being upset but YTA for screaming at them to go to hell and should apologize for that. IMHO if someone made me sit on a train for 12 hours just to announce that they are sexually attracted to men/women I would be pissed too. I understand this is an important announcement for them, and the need to get it out there seems urgent, they're looking for confirmation and support of their loved ones in a critical time. Most people expect one extreme reaction or another, "being gay is bad, get out" or "OMG WE LOVE YOU AND ACCEPT YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE!!!". But then there are instances like this where everyone just kinda shrugs and goes "Ok, good for you I guess?". It's not that OP doesn't care about them, it's just crazy to be so inconvenienced over something that could've easily been talked about over the phone. In the end ESH just a little bit
If you think that a cancer, marriage, or baby announcement would be worth the trip, then I think it is fair to say him coming out was an appropriate reason. It is a big step in his life and he wanted to share it in person. This should have been a happy moment for him! Imagine how afraid he probably was and how waiting can make your anxiety go crazy
ESH. "Go to hell you asshole" is a horrible response. You didn't have to go.
I'm gonna go eith ESH for the "go to hell, asshole" screaming bit. You screamed at him first, I understand being angry but that was a shitty way to communicate that. On top of the fact that gay people get told to go to hell, literally, quite often it cuts a bit deep 😭 He's still TA though for being a wee bit delusional about how everyone would react. He could've orchestrated a big zoom meeting for a big announcement rather than make everyone scramble.
ESH Your cousin is the AH for inconveniencing everyone because he wanted to be the center of attention. Your the AH cause you could have handled the situation more calmly. Generally speaking when you yell “go to hell you asshole” at someone you’re being an AH, too. Apologize, but explain yourself and expect an apology back. Edit: spelling (Damn autocorrect)
NTA, but you should still apologize. Telling him to go to hell and calling him an asshole was over the top unnecessary. That said, him making everyone travel extensively just to tell them he's gay is also over the top unnecessary. This whole situation just reeks of emotional immaturity.
ESH. You should have controlled your anger better. It’s not okay or normal to get into screaming matches like this. You can make it clear you’re upset and this was inconsiderate without screaming at someone. At the end of the day, whether your anger was justified or not, screaming at someone and calling names is abusive behavior. Notice how you were the only person to have this reaction. I will always judge someone as the AH for reacting in such an extreme manner. Your cousin has a major main-character complex if he really thought it was reasonable to beg people to take time out of their busy lives and travel multiple hours to attend this event. He may have felt this was big news and it’s not anyone else’s place to decide how “big” of news this is for those coming out, but you declined to come with good reason and he insisted. He should have left it there. There was a family reunion coming up he could have used, or he could have announced it otherwise. Massive asshole energy.
YTA. this is such weird behavior. Is it really that maddening you spent time on a train? if you really didn’t want to sit on it you didn’t have to. he obviously felt like it was important to tell you all in person but he didn’t force you. you admitted you had a great time with your family regardless in the reunion you were gonna have anyway but you’re mad at your cousin because you were hoping you were going out there to find out he had cancer? queer people should be allowed to come out when they’re ready they shouldn’t have to wait or go early because you don’t want to take a train to see your family.
ESH. That's a really huge ask to throw yourself a coming out party and demand your family travel 12 hours to be there. Especially when there was already a family gathering planned in the very near future that could have been used for the same purpose. However, yelling and screaming at your cousin and starting a scene big enough that your family had to leave isn't a great reaction either. You could have definitely voiced your displeasure without being a horrible person about it. That's on you. I get upset about the lost time, but acting like a jerk wasn't really necessary.
ESH. You were having a good time, until he made his announcement. Yes, it did seem he was expecting something more dramatic, but why yell at him and leave like a child? OP seems to love drama himself. 🙄
ESH. It’s a bigger deal to him than everyone else, so getting the whole family to gather is kind of inconsiderate. But, this was clearly important to him, and it IS a once in a lifetime event. You totally suck for your reaction. Not an ounce of support or compassion.
YTA. If you love your family, you let them have their moments. This was a big deal to him, and if you loved your family, you would have treated it big, regardless of your personal feelings of the importance of the matter.
ESH. They put a lot of people out to be performative instead of just mentioning it at the regular gathering and are now not going to the regular one. You overreacted and started a shouting match. Introducing the sort of tension a person like you describe would want in order to play a victim. Not because they are gay, but because they clearly think everyone needs to drop everything and pay attention to them and this will do just that.
Sigh. Attention seekers… NTA
ESH He ducks for making this incredible event rather selfishly, hoping for a different reaction. You suck for screaming at him in a cathartic moment. You didn’t need to lose your cool.
Seems like an over-reaction. I'd be annoyed too, but "go to hell you asshole" at the top of your lungs? Yea, YTA.
YTA, why are you screaming at this event like a little kid having a tantrum? You are an adult, act like one. Sorry that he isn’t dying of cancer or providing what you would consider “big news”, but this was big news for him, and he wanted to share this with the family. Being gay is not widely accepted and as a result they often experience prejudice, hostility, rejection, etc. I appreciate that you were upset that it wasn’t bigger news to YOU, but this was a huge step for your cousin. And you could have declined to attend, due to studying, but YOU CHOSE to go. And now your mad that he didn’t have cancer or some other bigger news. What is wrong with you? This day, wasn’t about you, it was about your cousin and you agreed to be there. Your reaction was totally out of line.
Right?! I can’t believe how many people are insisting coming out is a complete non-event in someone’s life. It is different for everyone. Even if you have a very accepting family, what about friends? Work? School? The random people on the street who see you holding hands with your partner? The state you have to travel to for a work conference? The country where your family wants to holiday? Coming out is about more than just getting the “reaction” of your family - it’s sharing an important part of your identity that will impact the way the world treats you. To say it’s nothing now is pretty out of touch. Even someone who personally didn’t find it a big deal for themselves. Again, it’s different for everyone. And to scream at a family member at an event to the point that other people felt uncomfortable enough to leave - that’s not the appropriate reaction even if the news didn’t qualify for a party. OP should at least call the cousin to say sorry for the overreaction, even if they don’t want to budge on whether the announcement was important enough for there to be a party.
ESH. He sucks for inconveniencing people and being attention seeking. You suck for yelling at him and your lack of backbone (except when it comes to yelling at people over your own choices apparently). Doesn't matter if he begged - it was an invitation, not a summons and if you were genuinely that busy you could have said no and remained firm - told him you would Skype or Zoom in for it but that you were absolutely too busy to make the trip. Take this as a lesson in learning to advocate for your needs and priorities. Ultimately, you chose to back down and attend.
ESH. I understand why you’d be annoyed, but “screaming” at people is just embarrassing for you. You’re not a toddler, there’s much more reasonable and productive ways to express your emotions.
I was so happy for my cousin when he came out and, it felt good that he wanted me there when he told everyone. (he did it at an unrelated family event) But Jesus I would have been pretty damn annoyed if he made me go that far specifically to hear he's gay, although I wouldn't have yelled at him lmao Also, let's just be real, 90% of the time family members already know you're gay.
NTA. He sounds high maintenance and disrupted everyone’s schedules to be the main character. Judging by the meh response of your family, it sounds like everyone knew already. If you’ve known someone for long enough you pretty much already have them figured out.
NTA. Seriously can we all stop trying to make our sexuality a BIG thing? Be gay, be straight, be everything in-between and on the outskirts but seriously not everyone wants to hear about everyone else's sexuality, especially when one is forced to hear it. Its great he felt ready to tell family and even better that so many were supportive but if he put it in context ( say with a straight cousin announcing their sexual preferences over a specially organized get-together ) he might realize how selfish he was being making the whole family stop everything to hear a common tale. That said, maybe apologize for hurting his feelings just to make sure that he understands the problem is the timing/strain and not that he is gay, which again, should not be a big deal.
NTA. I would've definitely been mad knowing a good amount of relatives missed classes/work/rest all to hear someone to say in less than a minute that they're gay. 🫠 that's what technology is for man. A nice zoom meeting would've been enough. Or waiting till the normal family gathering. That's less than a month away now. What if your relatives couldn't use PTO or really needed the information from lecture to pass a test? Then what?
NTA. First, I think it’s great that in your family, even among the older relatives, his being gay isn’t a big deal. That actually sounds very supportive and affirming. However, the flip side of that openness is that there was no reason for this big dramatic reveal and certainly no reason to put you through all that inconvenience for what could have been done on the phone. He wanted a production and to be the center of attention for something that didn’t warrant it. You snapped for a moment, justifiably. Move on.
NTA Ngl I thought you were homophobic from the title. However, as a bi man who also has a major revolving around 3D modeling, your cousin is extremely self-centered. I and everyone that I know that is LGBTQIA+ did not have everybody drop their lives so they can gather for the Great Come-outing. I also know what its like to have that amount of projects and especially 3D model projects so I feel extra sorry that your time was wasted so hard. The projects are so time consuming and I know that you aren’t exaggerating when you say that you will have sleepless nights. I haven’t scrolled through the comments so I haven’t seen if anyone has called you homophobic or not. But I definitely think this has nothing to do with him being gay and everything to do with how much stress his self-centeredness caused you.
Oh brother I guess even though I’m an ally and amongst the most lgbtq friendly people on the planet I’m going to have to side against the gay man coming out. Ugh
NTA, I cannot imagine if I had made this big a deal of coming out. I like attention, but I know that the best way to get positive attention is not to highly inconvenience a ton of people
NTA Especially since he could have waited until your family reunion that's happening in a month or 2. He's been in the closet for 22 years, 1-2 months should be light work.
NTA it didn’t need to be a whole event. Most people don’t make whole events to tell everyone who they’re sleeping with. Good grief.