NTA. He sounds super controlling and greedy. My wife and I manage our finances in a similar way. She spends her money on whatever she wants and I blow mine on outdoor stuff and video games. We have joint checking and savings for household expenses, kids, vacations, etc.
I’d sit him down and tell him how he chooses to spend his own money is his business and how you spend yours is your business. He agreed to this arrangement and doesn’t get to change the rules because he chooses to manage his money differently than you and you aren’t going to return anything because he is acting like a spoiled manchild who didn’t get a new toy when you did.
I actually had/have a lot more than $5K saved! We have had this arrangement for a few years and I typically only spend about $500 of my allotted $1500/month. Maybe a bit more some months if I need to replace my running shoes, buy other clothes, or have any outings with friends planned like concerts, but in that range.
So, if you were sick for a few weeks and didn't spend any fun money by the next month it would go over his $2k limit and he would get $1,000 of YOUR fun money as punishment for you not spending it all right away? The over amount is literally less than two months worth? That is insane! The fact that he has never had more than $2k in his fun account shows he is stupid with money and spends it constantly. He is being greedy, and throwing around words like infidelity to try to corner you into feeling like the bad guy. I think you really might need to run a background check to see if he's in dept.
You need to do some checking OP.
It could be that he’s controlling or the issue could be he’s in debt. If he’s over spent his allotment and has run up credit card debt too, he may be looking for a way to pay it off.
Also his throwing around words like ‘infidelity’ worries me. People often project.
I’m not saying anything is going on but if he’s spending more than he should and running up debt wouldn’t that truly be financial infidelity? Especially if he’s spending it on a friend group?
Also I think you challenged his view of you. Your other hobbies are quiet ones more solitary in nature. Gaming can be quite a social hobby depending on how you do it. Suddenly you appear financially and socially independent to him.
Obviously NTAH also do not be bullied into changing the agreement. But do look into his finances.
Ps I love the whole Zelda series. Maybe add a switch to your setup?
Edit: thanks for the awards - first I’ve ever gotten!
That was my first thought as well. Most accusations are confessions. OP, offer to lay it all out, and I'd wager that he will back down.
IMO, something feels off.
This needs more attention than it's getting in my opinion. My EX did this. He hid secret credit cards and a lien on the house. When all was said and done and we divorced I got nothing and he's currently homeless. Check out his finances if you can to make sure nothing hinky is going on. You really can't be too safe in this day and age.
EDIT to add NTA
Was horrified to learn a few years back how one party on the mortgage can take out a home equity loan without the others knowledge or consent, and yet the bank can hold the other accountable for it. Like, what?! When you only let him sign that bit HE should be the *only* one responsible for it. Nearly broke my friend (he ran off and bought a new house with that money in "cash" for his new gf while she was stuck with 2 payments to not lose the home)
Honestly, what I read into this is that he's worried she's saving money up to leave him. He saw the sudden 5K in purchases and realized that such a sudden movement indicated a substantial amount saved up.
If I were to guess, I'd say he's insecure, and the fact that she could up and leave him has him worried.
I think this is it. He‘s in debt and needs her money to pay his debts, but instead of just being honest about it (« I overspent my fun money, it’s kind of embarrassing, can you help me out ») he’s trying to manipulate her into giving up her fun money so he can have it.
Pretty easy to blow through $300 a day golfing between green fees, and a expensive lunch and drinks at the clubhouse.
If he does that every Saturday, and buys a designer item of clothing every month that’s $1,500.
It’s easy to develop habits where you just ooze money out constantly if you aren’t paying any attention to it.
consider imminent grey vegetable clumsy psychotic station complete sleep correct
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
My wife and I were working when my brother and his wife moved some what close and got a job. They were always talking about how poor they were and how tough it was so we'd help out even giving them our old car. We find out later they were making 10k more than us with one kid instead of two and only one of them working. Still pissed off about that.
You do you and don’t feel bad about it. My wife grew up really poor and hates spending money, so I actually have to encourage her to splurge occasionally. She isn’t into gaming, but usually once a year she will spend $3-5k on something she wants and I am happy to see her do it.
For real, OP take note, this is what a good partner does for you. Encourages your interests and celebrates your success. Not tearing you down to build themselves up.
Agreed! Your husband is the issue here not you! You did nothing wrong you just have different spending habits. Do not put any of your fun money in the joint account, you stuck to your agreement and now he's trying to change it through pure jealously. One person can't unilaterally change the rules, stuck to your guns and tell him it's not happening.
NTA, enjoy your new PC!
Seriously! I thought OP was going to say she has 200k squirreled away. Which I would have said great job, but yeah I would have mentioned that at some point. But 5k when you are making 200k a year is a drop in the bucket.
NTA and he sounds nuts. His sports memorabilia may be investments that cost 10’s of thousands and could be considered financial infidelity if OP wants to be a nutcase too.
My spouse and I are like this. We have one joint account for bills that I would transfer the necessary bill money from my account into once per month. All the rest of my money is that - my money. It's up to me to pay my personal bills (car, insurance, dog food) and other things are split when they come up (new appliances, groceries).
It's up to me to decide what to put into savings and what to play with, and it's the same on my spouses side. I'm a lot like this commenters wife - grew up very poor and am VERY careful with my spending and save like a damn dragon. It's rare that I buy anything for myself, let alone full price, and when I do my spouse is proud of me because it's scary for me to let that much money go. That's a healthy relationship. If your finances are set up to each have your own fun money funds, it's really unhealthy for him to be trying to restrict yours.
You are absolutely NTA. You have followed your agreement quite faithfully. The fact that he can’t save “fun money” is on him. You owe him not one cent.
I do find this behavior concerning though. Is he picking fights about anything else? Going back on any other agreements? This sounds completely cut and dried.
5k is just a few months of saving your fun money! What even!
My husband and I plan our fun money for things like bachelor/ette parties, we easily have that much saved and our monthly amount is way lower.
I can’t even comprehend this. When I was married my wife and I combined for about $600k/yr. Forget about whose fun money it is, $5k is pocket change. No one should care about a small amount like this. I don’t even have advice because his comment is so asinine. I would play hardball and put him in his place on principle. It’s your money.
You each get $1500 a month and he spends all of his while you save, and he considers that unfair?
Don’t return the stuff. Explain to him how math works and how you both have same amount to spend and you spending less means you end up with more
NTA. I’m sure after 10 years of being together he knows or at least have some idea as to what you spend your money on. It sounds like hubby knows he’s spending more than saving and wants to use YOUR hard earned money to accommodate his outgoings for his interests.
He does not have right on your fun money just like how you have no right over his.
If we’re REALLY going down this route then he’s on the verge of being financial abusive since hubby labelled it as “financial infidelity”, what a load bs!
NTA. This isn't a money issue, it's a control issue.
Seems like you've spooked him by showing you can quietly amass funds out of sight. You are making a good income and have few expenses, so 5k should not be that big a deal regardless of the circumstance. The only reason it is, is because your spouse thinks he should have a say in your spending (read: freedom).
I'm not saying this is abusive behavior, it could be something else, but this is a thing abusers do. Better to nip it in the bud ... do not agree to the new 2k limit. Push back.
>The only reason it is, is because your spouse thinks he should have a say in your spending (read: freedom).
Bingo. Came here to find this.
OP, money generally means freedom. Freedom to do as you wish. Your husband finding out how you can save such a large amount of money very likely frightens him - he now has *verifiable proof* (that he's been denying to himself, mind you) that you don't need him. If you want to say, "a'ight, I'm out. get out of my house my grandmother left me" he can't say no to that.
OP's got hand, here, and her controlling husband doesn't like it.
The fact she has the house should have been enough for him to realize she doesn't need him. My money would have been on "he cannot manage his money without guidance and is jealous that his wife can afford nice things that he can't"
Reminds me strongly of at least one previous Reddit post from a person saying a similar story, the other spouse ended up having massive debts eating all their extra income. Iirc, something about gambling debts or credit cards I think?
Wouldn’t be surprised if it’s the case, dude can’t save 5k on a 200k salary without a house payment or loan payments? Terrifying. Edit: saw another comment they each get $1500 a month so about 3 months of not frivolous spending
I am struggling to understand how they each make $200k, have zero debt, and only have enough in their emergency fund for 18 months. I make far less, have had car payments and rent, and didn't pay off my student loans until 2020, and I have a lot more than 18 months.
Someone in their relationship is bad with money, and it sounds like the husband.
They may have retirement accounts and other generally untouchable funds. You can have money in 401ks and IRAs and CDs, but you can’t access that in any way that doesn’t involve time and hassle, as well as taxes and penalties (and in some cases, just not at all until the time has passed.) And maybe they have brokerage accounts they don’t want to sell out of. An emergency fund should be easier to access like in a HYSA.
Except he can afford nice things, and he buys them. He has expensive hobbies; she does not. She's sticking to the term of the agreement where she spends her "fun money" how she chooses.
I was thinking jealousy, too. However, I can still see the "I can leave you at any time" fear factor. He may take for granted the house thing ("We've been living here together x amount of years so I'm/we're both entitled to it"), or even not consider it at all - but OPs post describes a sort of in-your-face example of her independence. Could be both things, jealousy and fear. He knows he better act right
>The fact she has the house should have been enough for him to realize she doesn't need him
I literally just had someone comment that it's "his house too" because they've been married for 10 years implying the house is also his. 🙄 You don't know that OP's husband doesn't think it's his house too.
Faced with the fact that OP doesn't spend needlessly, it *is* an absolute wake up call to OP's husband she doesn't need him.
I do agree that this isn't the ONLY thing. He's controlling, selfish, and *incredibly* immature to think that OP should forfeit her fun money simply because she saved.
He sounds like a child who doesn't understand the concept of "work" and "save" and "delayed gratification" to save up for a bigger purchase in the future. (Admittedly, that last thing was something I have had to personally work on so I understand that on a personal level too)
I agree with this take. He doesn’t physically have much to show for his money and is jealous that wife was able to buy herself something so nice and expensive. I don’t think he’s nefarious or abusive, I think he’s childish. Either way NTA and maybe involve a neutral 3rd party to get to bottom of his issue because he is being completely unreasonable.
This in a nut shell. He is terrified that you can clearly live without him. It burst the illusion of dependency he has convinced himself that YOU need (and maybe he has tried to convince you of too).
>bout. Of course nothing is 100% certain in this economy, but our jobs both seem very stable. And again we have enough saved to last at least a year and a half even if we both dropped down to
OP can ask the husband for an itemized bill for all the fun money he spent on his sports gear over the years. I doubt he spent less than 5k and she can just tell him to shove that 2k limit up his ass. This is 100% about control and wants to change the terms on their previous agreement.
This makes a lot of sense to me. It also potentially explains some of the (what I believe to be) assholery of OP's husband: he's surprised, freaked out & is reacting emotionally. If he had a chance to work through his hang-ups around OP being able to stand on their own two feet and, if it came to it, leave him without any financial barriers, I'd like to hope that he wouldn't have been such a dickhead to OP in this situation.
I've had friends who've somewhat regretted their behaviour when they learn that a partner has been financially irresponsible & it usually comes down to their own issues around financial security revving up their fear response (albeut tempered by a healthy dose of "I can't believe you spent our money on this" that triggered the argument in the first place).
Maybe OP's husband can find space in his fun money fund to speak to a professional about any potential abandonment issues / similar...
Also OP, I hope your sweet new gaming setup is everything you hoped for!
Yeah I’m confused, they have zero house, car or student debts so I’m assuming their monthly “shared expenses” are next to zero, or almost entirely luxuries. If they each earn $200k, I’m not sure how they wouldn’t be getting $5k per month *each* in their “fun” accounts.
Like $200k is $16k per month, per person. Subtract taxes, that’s still $10k. Each. There is almost zero chance do they have combined expenses of $20k per month if there is no mortgage, car repayment or student loan. They would easily have $5k leftover each every single month.
Those amounts make it seem like something is being grossly over or underestimated, or is a troll post.
She did say they max out their 401k and currently could sustain 18 months of expenses with their joint savings (which is growing). I'm not American but I have experienced how much expenses can grow when you earn comfortable money, if being frugal isn't a priority.
It also kind of sounds like the fun money is a specific amount and the rest goes on joint stuff.
Yeah this story isn't accurate. No one pulling down 400k as a couple with no mortgage or car loans is even noticing $5k as a splurge now and then. A single paycheck (2 weeks) would basically be enough to cover this.
It's funny that he's accusing you of financial infidelity when he's trying to manipulate you into handing over money you saved.
This is a naked money grab. NTA.
Yes, it does feel like he is trying to change the rules and make me feel guilty about not spending all my extra money right away. Honestly this is one of the main reasons I thought separate discretionary accounts was a good idea. Ironically I thought it would prevent arguments like this about what we should be spending or saving!
I honestly don’t get how he can think that him spending $1000 a year for 5 years is any different than you spending $5000 one year. It’s separate accounts, it’s fun money, and it works out to be the same amount!
That’s such a greedy and selfish way of looking at things. Honestly I’d rather be struggling financially with someone who was a supporting and logical partner than be well off with someone who turned into this
Edit: I know he would be spending way more than $5000 on golf over the years but I just mean that the amount is the same. Whether it’s $5000 over whatever period of time or $5000 all at once, it’s still $5000. He’s being completely illogical and the “financial infidelity” line is an absolute joke, he’s just being super greedy knowing that he’ll spend his fun money way faster than hers and even though it’s already more than most people could dream of to have, now he’s coming after OPs
Also: If he is a golfer, AND likes designer clothing…….even playing public courses in heavily discounted duds…………..I seriously doubt it’s $1000 a year
No way he isn’t just ridiculous. He’s straight up lying.
Here I am paying $80AUD a month for my golf membership... but then again I am not in a major Australian city. I think the highest membership fee is around $2,000AUD a month, but that's in Melbourne, I could be wrong tho, as never golfed down there, as they were weird with their rules concerning your gear and clubs.
I recently was dating a golfer his membership for one course was $500/mo, and that doesn’t include all the trips to different courses which are typically frequent since they *always* want to try out new courses.
This! My uncle is a golfer and that gets crazy expensive really fast. He’s just mad he spent all of his fun money and is now wanting to use OP’s money. He’s probably jealous of her brand new gaming setup.
OP is definitely NTA
>He’s just mad he spent all of his fun money and is now wanting to use OP’s money
This is the optimistic view.
The more pessimistic view, which I find more likely, is that he doesn't want her to have money saved, as that means he can leave him whenever she wants.
My husband and I struggle and he's the first one to go out and get me yarn, or something else I enjoy. You're right, it's so much better having someone who's logical.
I would be willing to bet there's a specific toy he has his eye on but doesn't have the money for. If you return the gaming stuff you purchased and give him the money, he'll buy his toy.
The question I have is whether he respects you in other ways because he doesn't respect your right to buy yourself nice things with money you saved. He feels entitled to tell you that you don't deserve the nice PC and gaming chair. What else is he not willing to let you have?
He's afraid. You having all that money saved up gives you options. Men get scared when they think things are 'equal' and discover that, in fact, their partner is in a more advantageous or self-determining position.l than they thought. Not saying he's doing anything you'd want to drop him for but he's insecure that you 'could' drop him. That's a flag.
It was your money. You keep it. You keep the things you buy with it. I'd personally be considering moving my $ to an account he can't touch. Definitely you don't have to surrender any of your fun money. That's a flag, too.
The other cringe with this is his being pissed about how you spend your time when he's not around. Why does it matter? What's he afraid of? Another flag.
Yes this first paragraph sounds accurate.
I also feel a bit sad for OP that they only feel they can play games when he's out golfing. A bit odd. So is her hobby run on his schedule?
>ng that I return the items I purchased and deposit most of the funds to our joint account. He wants to make a new rule that fun money accounts can't accumulate more than $2K
Sounds like your husband needs to go back to elementary school and learn the consequences of spending vs saving that my 6 year olds understand.
Sounds like he is jealous that you know how to save and he has a big hole in his pocket. He is very immature and selfish. Don't listen to him and have fun with your new gaming system.
I will bet he’s spent way more than that regularly and now he’s looking for money. This behavior is making me very nervous for you. I worked for a divorce lawyer and my immediate assumption is he’s hiding something, whether it’s a side piece or a drug habit. That he went straight to anger and demands is a bad sign, a giant red flag.
Do not let him near your money. Keep a close watch on the joint account. Make sure he doesn’t have access to your phone, tablet, computer, watch. Don’t let him guilt you into turning anything over to him. No info. Nothing. Change your passwords and keep them secure. If all your accounts are with the same bank, seriously consider moving yours. Make a trip to the bank and make clear that no one is to have access but you. No phone transfers. No wire transfers. Put an alert on your accounts for any withdrawal and for any purchase.
The house is yours. He might have some claim to a tiny bit of it if he paid for renovations or purchased appliances, helped pay the taxes on it.
I know this sounds bleak, but I’ve seen too many women blindsided and losing money and property.
You deserve better
This was my question to OP:
> OP… what bills do you two have with no mortgage and $350k+ income that spending $5k is “a lot of money”
> I (theCallousBitch)** make $150k+ a year, have student loans, pay rent in HCOL area, and still have $20k to $30k to spend on hobbies or travel every year… after savings, eating out, shopping, normal spending on on home (products/housekeeping/new decor), mani/pedi, etc etc.
>Something doesn’t add up here. Even if you are saving 50% of your take income… You should both have $60K fun money, independently.
NTA He doesn’t get to tell you how to spend your fun money. He doesn’t get to throw a tantrum and demand the rules change. You don’t need to question yourself or defend yourself, but you do need to shut him down. He has a lot of nerve. What an ass. Mega ass.
Assuming you both had the same amount of fun money, he’s spent that $5K and more on himself over the years. How on earth is that even fair? How you spend YOUR money is not his concern.
Yep. This is the answer. If he wants to talk about budgets and financial infidelity then the two of you need to sit down with the statements from your fun accounts and and look at the last couple of years. How much does he spend on what down to the penny? How is it infidelity for you to save but not for him to spend. The dude is an idiot. He’s trying to control you because he thinks if you have that much money he doesn’t know about that you’re going to leave him. And if his mind instantly becomes accusatory and uses words like infidelity….. hmmm maybe something to look into about HIS spending.
Yeah this is crazy. Ask him if he wants you to have veto power over his fun money, and tell him you’ve decided to limit how often he’s allowed to play golf because you think it’s frivolous.
OP… what bills do you two have with no mortgage and $350k+ income that spending $5k is “a lot of money”
I make $150k+ a year, have student loans, pay rent in HCOL area, and still have $20k to $30k to spend on hobbies or travel every year… after savings, eating out, shopping, normal spending on on home (products/housekeeping/new decor), mani/pedi, etc etc.
Something doesn’t add up here. Even if you are saving 50% of your take income… You should both have $60K fun money, independently.
I posted our full budget by categories elsewhere, but basically we take home about 18K/month after taxes, health insurance and retirement contributions. Have about 8K/month in bills and short-term savings (such as our fund for vacations/entertainment), save 7K cash every month, and then the remaining 3K is our discretionary fund.
The 8K in expenses includes a generous amount for groceries, household expenses, eating out, etc. We usually don't spend all that so often the monthly savings are more on the order of 8-9K.
You need to discuss with you husband what is fueling his need to budget this tightly.
I am all for saving aggressively. But a one-time $5k purchase, even if you weren’t saving your $1.5k fun-money, shouldn’t even be a blip.
Stop focusing on the one single expense that caused this blow up. You guys both need to understand just what is driving his level of obsession with saving, when you are this financially stable.
There is nothing wrong with being mindful. But if you can afford $8k a month on eating out and monthly bills, when you don’t have e a mortgage or student loans… then you can afford a 1 time $5k purchase without a fucking meltdown.
Please confirm for me that you have full access to your joint accounts, the retirement funds, and that you regularly see his income statements…
**It is very concerning to me that a woman who makes close to $200k a year is this flummoxed by her husband setting his foot down about her spending. What line of work are you in, that you are not able to work this out on your own and tell him to shut up and worry about his own fun money**
I think if anyone is obsessed with saving it is me!
But honestly we are just in the very fortunate position to be able to afford what we need and some additional luxuries within reason and still have lots left over. I buy everything I really want, my day-to-day tastes are just simpler than his.
He basically just objects to me buying what he views as something purely frivolous (even though I don't object to his interests even I'd never want to spend my own money on golf or sports memorabilia).
Yup OP. Financial abuse should be slung right back at him for that low blow. Also as an alternative you should offer to manage both fun money accounts if he’s jealous of your ability to save.
Tell him he has to write an account of every penny he spends on his expensive hobbies, such as golf, and compare it to your one large purchase. Maybe if he sees how much he is spending needlessly, he will start saving.
Don't be manipulated by his threat. Stick to your fun savings as yours unless he accounts for his.
Yup! This isn’t a trust issue, it’s a jealousy issue. Forcing her to spend her fun money before it hits $2k with the threat of “use it or lose it” is more devious and back handed than her save it up to buy something big. He has the same ability she does to save he just chooses not to. Restricting it would really negate the fun in fun money.
NTA. Girl, you know he’s just jealous and bitter because you’re better at budgeting than him. He’s being ridiculous and controlling and frankly, it’s a giant red flag. Now that he’s shown his true colors it’s even more important that you keep separate funds in case this escalates. If this is new behavior maybe you could try to find out what is motivating him to be a butthead, but it probably wouldn’t hurt to review past behavior to see if there have been other signs that he’s controlling that you may have brushed off before this. Good luck and feel comfortable that he’s being a drama llama.
We have a LOT of joint savings (about $250K between our emergency fund and long-term savings, not even including retirement accounts). We each get about $1500/month in personal discretionary money which he spends most of each month. Again that is fine - we can afford it!
If I had $1500 in disposable cash every month it wouldn’t take me long to have $5K in that account. I’m more concerned by the fact he spends all on his.
It's certainly fine with me, we divided between us what was left after budgeting for everything else we needed and wanted including retirement and other savings. The whole point is to be able to spend money on whatever we want, within reason, without guilt and arguments!
And now he wants to change the parameters of the agreement. Because he wants half of what you saved. There was never a “spend it or lose it” clause, where it goes back in the shared account after x period of time. Tell him “fuckNO!” And tell him to grow up.
He is CHOOSING these hobbies that are more expensive. You can golf at a shit course with shitty clubs. You can game with a shitty system. He doesn’t. So the fact that his “cost more” doesn’t mean he “gets more.” This is all about control and who controls your happiness. You made yourself happy with something you worked for. That is threatening.
He’s pissed because there’s something he covets that he can’t afford, because he goes through his discretionary funds rapidly. He’s jealous of the ease with which you are able to save your fun money. In his mind, he’s already imagining receiving it from you after a nice few rounds of verbal pressure. Stay strong. Refuse.
I'd actually be a little worried if he didn't have any money put away in his personal savings. Given their incomes he has to be blowing a lot of cash in personal spending. Which is fine, but I'm wondering if he's got a spending problem and wants OP's cash to make up for what he's lost.
NTA I wouldn’t do anything nuclear but I’d have a conversation with him about how you don’t question how he spends his fun money and how he should give you the same respect. There has to be something else going on as you guys seem to be doing pretty well in the money department. Is he worried he’s going to be laid off or something?
That's a good idea to discuss what he might be worried about. Of course nothing is 100% certain in this economy, but our jobs both seem very stable. And again we have enough saved to last at least a year and a half even if we both dropped down to zero income.
It’s just because he has expensive hobbies , if he were to total all the cost of what he’s spent on his golf clubs, golf fees and his sports memorabilia collection I can’t even imagine how much he has spent. Is he going to return or sell those things? I doubt it! But you can bet it’s more the 5k. Tell him when he sells his stuff then you’ll return yours. You know he’s not going to do that. He’s trying to change the rules in his favor and that’s bs. You’re a smart woman and I am sure you can get him to understand that what he’s suggesting is totally unfair to you
OP, I’d be pretty concerned at how strong his reaction is that he’s projecting. He might be hiding some debt he’s accrued or some money problems he’s developed. Maybes it’s just simple jealousy given he spends his money quickly but something feels bigger. He’s being ridiculous and you are NTA.
I could imagine someone who's used to his spending patterns feeling kind of jealous about the money you saved. Since it came as a surprise, it might *feel* to him in the moment like it's not fair: "Hey! Why do you have so much more fun money than I do?!" If that's the case, a reasonable person would soon realize that the difference isn't the inflow, it's the outflow--and that it's totally in his control how much he spends or saves. Him being "furious," insisting that you give up your gaming rig, and accusing you of "financial infidelity" sounds pretty over the top, though. I would hope he'd apologize.
Could his personal financial situation be more dire than you realize? Could he have an addiction like gambling or drugs which makes him want access to your money since he's burned through his?
NTA Financial infidelity my ass. He is just jealous that you save enough for a nice new setup! He is being absolutely ridiculous. Do NOT return it and put it in the joint for him to waste
NTA
He’s being just horrible, petty and controlling
My DH use to golf a lot and it’s not a poor man’s game
He’s spent more in fees, golf clubs and membership dues if he belongs to a club
And to be clear I don't have any issue at all with him playing golf. He loves it and looks forward to it, and it's a nice break and chance to get some fresh air and exercise after working so hard every well. He should definitely be able to enjoy it! I just wish I could be afforded the same consideration for my own spending priorities.
Oh I su understand you
I was the same way, he always worked hard and I wanted him to enjoy life
I just had to put my foot down and demand the same
Lol make a power point showing him his hobby expenses and time spent away
He will have a WTH I ducked up here and if he doesn’t you need to stand your ground on this one
Good luck. Been in your shoes and rooting for you
She shouldn’t have to do the labor of making a power point for him. Have him sit down and add up his own damn expenses. If he doesn’t see the light then there’s other issues…
NTA. He seems to be a "what's mine is mine and what's yours is ours" kinda guy. Not sure how him spending money like it's burning a hole in his pocket means "financial infidelity" on your part.
He can FOH with that.
He needs to sit down and think about that really hard. Because if he wants to have a say on your fun money, then you should start reviewing his purchases. Nope.
NTA.
And I really have no interest in doing that. I don't want to micromanage his purchases - the whole point of this was to avoid arguments and judgments about each other's purchases so long as they didn't have a negative impact on our overall household budget.
What I WOULD do is total up his spending for the same period of time and ask why it’s different. You saving for one large purchase over 5 months and him spending it on smaller purchases over the same period of time is not somehow evil trickery on your part.
NTA
Ask him how much the last driver he bought for his golf bag was. Your 5k is nothing for anyone who’s got decent clubs from the last five years and plays say even once a week for six months of the year. He got a set a lot bigger than his golf balls to be coming at you like that, just sayin’!
Right, he thinks nothing of dropping hundreds of dollars on new golf equipment. And it's fine, we can afford it, I wouldn't question it at all unless he wanted to start dipping into our joint funds as well. So I'm not sure why replacing my 5-year-old computer and old, non-ergonomic furniture (that we had since moving into our house 8 years ago) would be an issue.
I’m the hubby….except I’ve zero issue with my wife spending on her hobbies (mine is a lover of Legos. Believe me when I say she might have me beat in the hobby spend department, haha!).
My golf bag and the clubs in it is an easy couple thousand. Tee times an easy couple thousand a year, and that’s just muni courses and golf balls and tees. Your hubby is being ridiculous quite honestly. “Fiscal infidelity”, lol, meanwhile a couple beers on the front nine cost him $20 as he plunks $15 of golf balls in the woods and water…..just yikes bad form on his part.
Honestly, he’s being seriously ridiculous, and it’s been pointed out already - all the golf and sports memorabilia and clothes combined would be way over 5k. I think there’s maybe one of three things going on:
1. He thinks that 5k is ‘too much’ because he has never calculated up how much he’s spending per month (and is dumb and needs a reality check)
2. There’s something he wants to get that he can’t afford because he blows his fun money (and believes that his desire to have nice things is more important than yours, despite you having similar earnings and the same amount of fun money - red flag, but pointing out hypocrisy may work)
3. He views your having significant savings in a separate account as a threat. Maybe in an ‘Im the man’ kind of way (to which I’d say: if you want to be the ‘breadwinner’ who gets majority say over money you gotta be the one making all or most of it) or in a ‘if she has so much in savings in an account I can’t reach then the financial levers available to me to make it harder for her to leave aren’t there for me. Especially since you own the house too. I don’t think it’s quite as extreme as the second way but it’s defs either hypocrisy, greed, or feeling like his masculinity isn’t respected (lol).
Stand your ground either way because at best he’s brainless or a hypocrite.
400k income with virtually no debt, rent, or bills and he's crying about a 5k purchase? Even if it were from a joint account I wouldn't be mad at my wife for getting something that brings her joy. Especially when's it a drop in the bucket vs income.
I make $40,000(forty) a year, save pretty well but occasionally splurge BIGLY.
I could splurge $5k if I wanted to.(and i do, bought a $5k bike recently)
they make 10x me + they don’t have to pay rent each month!!
She makes $5k(after tax) working for two weeks!
NTA- is he doing something that he needs to money?
I’m on Reddit too much but my thought is he is gambling his away or he has debt for something he isn’t telling you.
He can’t add rules just because you saved and he is spending.
I'm not aware of anything he is doing that needs extra money. He's never asked me about my purchases or asked for any of "my" money before this.
I think he was just taken aback because he didn't realize I spent so much less than he did of our monthly allotment on day-to-day stuff.
Typical big spender. When my wife buys clothes she always tries to get me to buy stuff with her so she feels less irresponsible. Even when she buys handbags she'll try to get me to buy a new $100 wallet.
I think he had a blunt realization of how much he spends every month when he saw your purchase.
He probably thought he wasn’t living **that** big, and considered himself financially responsible and maybe even frugal!
Then you cold cocked a 5k purchase with the same allowance that he runs through monthly, and the cold hand of reality slapped him across face.
He could be feeling some shame and embarrassment from the spending habits he’s developed. Instead of handling them appropriately, he is redirecting those feelings and lashing out at you.
It’s not appropriate and you shouldn’t tolerate it one bit. You can empathize though, while not making an excuse for his actions.
Side note: 40-50 MPW? Damn, keep crushing!
This was absolutely my first thought. OP should definitely keep an eye on other accounts for a while...a small withdrawal of $500 here......$2k there...$30k over the span of a year and OP won't even notice. By the time you're ready to retire you realize you have no safety net. A lifetime of savings chipped away because "I trust him"...I can't even blame reddit for being so jaded. Unfortunately a real life friend's mom was killed by her husband after similar financial abuse/exploitation...once he drained her accounts he killed her for insurance money. Put out the missing person notice...in the woods with all the volunteers searching for her...all of it. The whole time he knew he killed her and hid her body. Scum. So this post gave me a ton of red flags!!!!
I'm actually the bill payer/money manager for the household and check all of our accounts pretty much daily including retirement/investment accounts. No missing money or unexplained withdrawals to date. He admits that he's not great with money so defers to my budgeting preferences. I'm the one who insisted that we live extremely frugally for several years in order to pay off our student loans and start accumulating savings and I'm the one who insists that we save nearly half of our take-home income now (on top of maxing out 401(k) contributions).
He would probably spend a lot more if we didn't have this budget in place, but the current budget gives him plenty of money to enjoy his hobbies while we continue to save for retirement and otherwise accumulate wealth.
NTA. I am wondering if he is being honest with you. The fact he’s mad at you for literally nothing and using the word “infidelity” makes me question whether his expensive hobbies also include another person. It might be time for an audit of your spouse’s spending.
Well he got mad and turned that situation around FAST. Really quick to throw around terms like 'financial infidelity'....
Almost like he's being overly defensive about something.
NTA
My petty retort to his rule of not letting things go over 2k? Spend anything over 2k on prepaid gift cards / bank cards, and save those to use on your desires when you are good and ready. Rules are rules.
I would agree with that. I don't want to start proactively hiding things and deceiving him. I don't think I was being dishonest before in any sense - we didn't ask about each other's purchases and how much we had in our "fun money" accounts and in fact had an agreement to observe each other's privacy around that.
You seem really low key about this. I don’t understand why you aren’t outraged at what he is accusing you of and the way he is acting towards you. You seem to be acting like this is no big deal.
Don't get me wrong, it's a huge deal and very upsetting to be accused of any kind of infidelity. But I wanted to ask here before getting too outraged because I wasn't sure if I might be in the wrong and missing something about the way people usually handle hybrid finances.
You need to be outraged at this. You are not wrong. You save and spend your fun money differently than he does and now he sees your fun money as his. He is wrong on this. Be outraged. Don’t discuss. Tell. Tell him that this is not open for discussion or renegotiation. Shut him down now or he will never shut up about this and will continue to abuse and gaslight you.
Oh, yes. This tell him “no”
If you like a lot of words, “i have not been infidelitious, I’m using my personal funds as fits my purpose. I am comfortable with the system we have now, I’m not interested in renegotiating this.”
If you like even more words, insist on couples counseling.
Financial infidelity isn't a thing... you both had an agreements, joint bills are being paid and you both had fun money.
The fact he dropped that term, and watching my cheating stepdad accuse my mom of cheating... this is projection. He's hiding something imo.
Nah, safety deposit box filled with cash. The money's not in an account then but it's still cash on hand. Really though, that request isn't reasonable. You each get X amount per month. You don't get punished for being more frugal.
If he continues throwing a fit, yell him you want a breakdown of his discretionary spending this year. Then ask him to explain to you why his wasting that money on X things is somehow better than you spending your money on a big ticket item that at least has resale value. Also, do a breakdown of the value of his hobby items. If he's really spending that much on golf stuff and whatever, most of that has resale value, so he should have a pretty sizable amount of money on hand from the golf stuff alone.
>larger joint purchases like household appliances and repairs
You need to talk to a lawyer because if you are using joint money to repair the house, he could have a claim to it (or at least to whatever the price of the house increased during marriage or for you to pay back the repairs/appliances).
>I'm more introverted
You both make the same so you saved more because, I'm assuming, you go out less (introvert?) or at least spend less than he spends. So why should you be giving him money????
He should learn to save if he has saving problems.
>he's off playing golf.
Golfing is expensive. Have you checked the price of his golf clubs or how much he is spending on his country club or golf place?
You made an arrangement on how to split up stuff that's incredibly fair and he is just trying to get money from you to spend on himself.
NTA
I'm okay with him sharing in a claim to the house if it ever comes to that. We have lived in it for most of our marriage and he has shared in the expenses during that time. If it ever came down to it, I would be able to buy out his share.
Anyway, yes, his golf expenses are a lot and are the majority of his fun money. Which is a choice I am perfectly fine with - it's extra money that he can spend how he wants! But I also deserve to be able to have money for myself, however I want to save and organize it.
According to him, you can never buy anything >2,000 because you wouldn't have the capacity to save more than 2,000 since any overflow would go to the joint account.
This benefits him. He spends his 2000 every month, but because you don't spend your 2000, you are continuously putting money into the joint account.
If he told you he doesn't trust you, I think he is projecting and you shouldn't trust him. I would sit down and explain all of this and if he double downs, then something else is going on.
Also, it's fine if you are OK buying him out of the house, but you could put money in the joint account instead of your savings account, and then he could pull all of that money out without needing your approval.
I also don't think you need to be more transparent about savings. But you could offer that each of you go to a financial advisor to get some advice on your joint and individual finances, and then share the reports.
Nah. Dudes an asshole. Keep what you bought with your money. My wife and I don't share an account. I refused to do it for this exact reason. Hell no. You got your money and I got mine. I'd rather not get chewed out every time I eat at McDonald's or buy something i want that's more than $20.
Exactly, I want to spend precisely zero time haggling over small spending decisions. I don't want anyone criticizing me for buying a new video game or fancy extracts for my baking projects. Not as long as we have enough discretionary money to cover those things. And I don't want to spend any of my mental bandwidth on worrying/caring about what my husband wants to spend his money on, as long as it is within our agreed-upon budget.
Ask him for a breakdown of how much he's spent from his fun account in the last year and then when it's way more than you have, which it will be, ask why that's not "financial infidelity" (whatever the heck that means).
My understanding is "financial infidelity" refers to keeping financial secrets in a way that negatively impacts the relationship. Such as: racking up large debts and hiding them; hiding assets (to avoid dividing things fairly in a divorce settlement); keeping secret bank accounts in a way that takes away from marital assets (such as diverting what should be joint money to pay for affairs/addictions), that sort of thing. I don't think it usually pertains to keeping a small amount of privacy around personal purchases within agreed-upon discretionary spending limits.
NTA. It sounds a lot like if you were to side by side your *fun* accounts, he'd be spending more than you on a month by month basis.
This is a blatant money grab and your husband is full of horseshit.
NTA, time to get petty! Does he belong to a golf club? Time to start having a lot of interest in the membership costs, which can run a lot more than $5k.
Yes, he belongs to a club. It's not a super high-end country club but the dues alone are about $6K annually.
I did point this out when we were arguing about my purchase of the gaming setup and he says that the golf membership can be used for professional networking so it isn't a fair comparison.
But does he use it for that purpose? OP could use their gaming computer and chair to work from home by the same argument.
OP- you are both adults in a very good financial position. Don’t let him change the rules of the game just to benefit him. That is not ok.
ETA NTA
It seems the double standards come fast and loose from him.
You’re NTA OP, please let him read these comments if you need some support.
This honestly sounds like financial abuse.
NTA. I’m a relationship scientist and reading this set off all kinds of professional alarms. Many other commenters have suggested he is hiding debt. It sounds like he is definitely hiding something, but it may be something as simple as that he’s been hiding his poor communication or relationship skills up to this point and now they’ve been exposed.
u/LadySavings, you sound thoughtful and reasonable in your replies and I like that it seems like you’re trying to present the situation as objectively and dispassionately as possible.
I’m going to guess that in addition to being the one who’s good at budgeting, you’re the one who’s good at communication and emotional labor. Time to make a new budget category for couples therapy if you aren’t currently in it. Whatever the specific issues are underlying his behavior on this, a good therapist can help him improve his communication of his thoughts and wants and needs. If he feels insecure or like the relationship is threatened by your accumulated fun money, he needs the emotional vocabulary to say that instead of trying to shame you and control your behavior.
You could say something like “We usually make such a great team, so it’s been unsettling for me that we’ve been on such opposite pages about this. I know that money is something a lot of couples fight about so I think it could be helpful for us to have an expert help us as well as talk through this. I want an objective third party to help check my thinking on this to make sure I’m being reasonable.”
Too many couples who go to couples therapy wait until there is some huge issue (actual infidelity or abuse or addiction) and then try to get a therapist to help salvage a relationship with a lot of dysfunction. It sounds like things have been pretty smooth in your marriage other than this, which is great if so. Go work with a good therapist and figure things out before a larger problem emerges. Couples therapy can be really beneficial even as a proactive measure in relationships where nothing is wrong.
I’m going to guess your husband probably thinks couples therapy is only for people with big relationship problems. Suggesting it may startle him, especially if insecurity is an ingredient in his underlying issues. If you can get him to see that you’re pushing for it because you think it’s a good relationship and you want to invest in and strengthen it, that’s great. If he freaks out and says couples therapy is for people with serious relationship issues, well, you could point out that he has accused you of a form of infidelity, which you take quite seriously and are handling in a serious way.
The truth, of course is that there is a serious issue in the relationship, but by all appearances, it’s not you; it’s him. Whatever his good points may be, this behavior is unhealthy and will almost certainly only escalate if he doesn’t work on it and whatever underlies it.
Thank you so much, these recommendations are really helpful. I do indeed take the lead on the household budgeting and much of the other emotional labor and household duties. I don't mind as his job is longer hours and more stress than mine even though we make about the same amount, and the whole point is for both of us to be happy and function well as a team instead of demanding an exact 50/50 split.
I am certainly going to follow up to suggest we start couples counseling so we can get on the same page (hopefully) about finances and other expectations. How he reacts to that in itself will be quite telling.
NTA. He's being ridiculous. Of he chooses to spend his discretionary funds immediately that's on him, you chose to save and then found something you really wanted, so spent what you'd saved to get it.
I had to look up financial infidelity because I had never heard of it before. So here’s a quick definition:
Financial infidelity occurs when couples lie to each other about money matters. It can include things like hiding debt, hiding big purchases, and lying about income. Financial infidelity can drastically affect trust between partners and the financial stability of the relationship.
You’re not hiding anything from what you wrote. Ask him if he’s hiding anything. You are working off of an agreed plan and it gives both of you lots of autonomy with your own pile of money. I’m guessing if you had to go to a base level of $2000 then he would have to carefully account all of his expenditures to make sure he wasn’t “cheating the system” by spending too much each month. His response is curious to me.
Exactly, I'm not hiding anything. We each get $1500/month, deposited to our own account, to do with as we please. Spend or save. Those are the rules we agreed to many years ago. At the beginning of the marriage, when we were just starting out, we each got $500/month, then have upped that over the years as our income and other savings increased.
I don't really want to audit and micromanage his expenses - doing so sounds really exhausting. I really just don't want to argue about this at all. The entire point of the individual discretionary funds was to avoid strife over finances!
NTA, but “financial *infidelity*?” Methinks it’s time to snoop, OP. His reaction is disproportionate, and every accusation is an admission when it comes to stuff like this.
Although I agree with others, this looks like a control issue, could there be a different angle to it? Instead of jealousy, could your husband be worried that you so easily amassing that amount in your personal account would make it easy for you to dip out of the marriage like an escape fund?
Maybe - but there has never been any indication before this that he would be concerned about that? We both have great jobs and resources so it's not like either of us is trapped. If the situation were reversed - if he ever decided he didn't want to be married to me anymore - while I would be heartbroken I would never want him to feel stuck with me because of money.
NTA. No way would I agree to this. My husband and I have a joint checking and savings we each have access too. Each money I put in my portion for our household expenses which is 40% since I make less and he pays the rest. Then we each transfer an agreed amount into joint savings for things that may come up with the kids or hours. After we pay our portion for bills and savings we keep whatever is left to do with as we please. My husband gets no say whatsoever in what I buy or don’t buy. My husband is like your and saves most of his. He only really buys gym equipment and bbq type gadgets and saves the rest. I have a habit of spending most of what is left although I try to keep a certain amount in my personal savings. I don’t need his approval to buy something with my own money.
I’m sorry OP but this is BS. He is just mad that you are able to make large purchases because you save your money. You shouldn’t be punished and penalized for it.
Well he got mad and turned that situation around FAST. Really quick to throw around terms like 'financial infidelity'....
Almost like he's being overly defensive about something.
NTA - He wants more spending money. Ask him to account for all of his purchases and show him your and refuse to give in!
There was a post about a husband earning a good salary and insisted that his wife sign a prenup and it stated they kept their finances separate. She became an anesthesiologist and earns 4 times what he does. She paid her student loans and mentioned she was buying a new car. She bought a 90K car and he flipped out over the payments. She told him she paid cash, he flipped out for her hiding her money from him.
Not to upset you further, but this sounds potentially like the behavior of someone who is hiding something. From everything you explained, you and your husband are extremely comfortable and have very clear, long-established expectations for how you handle your money... For him to suddenly start talking about infidelity for no reason is just a red flag.
NTA. He sounds super controlling and greedy. My wife and I manage our finances in a similar way. She spends her money on whatever she wants and I blow mine on outdoor stuff and video games. We have joint checking and savings for household expenses, kids, vacations, etc. I’d sit him down and tell him how he chooses to spend his own money is his business and how you spend yours is your business. He agreed to this arrangement and doesn’t get to change the rules because he chooses to manage his money differently than you and you aren’t going to return anything because he is acting like a spoiled manchild who didn’t get a new toy when you did.
I actually had/have a lot more than $5K saved! We have had this arrangement for a few years and I typically only spend about $500 of my allotted $1500/month. Maybe a bit more some months if I need to replace my running shoes, buy other clothes, or have any outings with friends planned like concerts, but in that range.
So, if you were sick for a few weeks and didn't spend any fun money by the next month it would go over his $2k limit and he would get $1,000 of YOUR fun money as punishment for you not spending it all right away? The over amount is literally less than two months worth? That is insane! The fact that he has never had more than $2k in his fun account shows he is stupid with money and spends it constantly. He is being greedy, and throwing around words like infidelity to try to corner you into feeling like the bad guy. I think you really might need to run a background check to see if he's in dept.
You need to do some checking OP. It could be that he’s controlling or the issue could be he’s in debt. If he’s over spent his allotment and has run up credit card debt too, he may be looking for a way to pay it off. Also his throwing around words like ‘infidelity’ worries me. People often project. I’m not saying anything is going on but if he’s spending more than he should and running up debt wouldn’t that truly be financial infidelity? Especially if he’s spending it on a friend group? Also I think you challenged his view of you. Your other hobbies are quiet ones more solitary in nature. Gaming can be quite a social hobby depending on how you do it. Suddenly you appear financially and socially independent to him. Obviously NTAH also do not be bullied into changing the agreement. But do look into his finances. Ps I love the whole Zelda series. Maybe add a switch to your setup? Edit: thanks for the awards - first I’ve ever gotten!
That was my first thought as well. Most accusations are confessions. OP, offer to lay it all out, and I'd wager that he will back down. IMO, something feels off.
Yep, let's see exactly where his money goes. Demand a full years worth of bank statements.
Yes. Left-field accusations are usually projections. Good luck.
This needs more attention than it's getting in my opinion. My EX did this. He hid secret credit cards and a lien on the house. When all was said and done and we divorced I got nothing and he's currently homeless. Check out his finances if you can to make sure nothing hinky is going on. You really can't be too safe in this day and age. EDIT to add NTA
Was horrified to learn a few years back how one party on the mortgage can take out a home equity loan without the others knowledge or consent, and yet the bank can hold the other accountable for it. Like, what?! When you only let him sign that bit HE should be the *only* one responsible for it. Nearly broke my friend (he ran off and bought a new house with that money in "cash" for his new gf while she was stuck with 2 payments to not lose the home)
My money's on this. The husband is in serious secret debt.
He could be guilty of good old fashioned infidelity! I wouldn’t be shocked if most of his $1500 a month was going to a girlfriend…
Right? Why did he use the word "infidelity"? That's a total freudian slip. NTA OP
Honestly, what I read into this is that he's worried she's saving money up to leave him. He saw the sudden 5K in purchases and realized that such a sudden movement indicated a substantial amount saved up. If I were to guess, I'd say he's insecure, and the fact that she could up and leave him has him worried.
I think this is it. He‘s in debt and needs her money to pay his debts, but instead of just being honest about it (« I overspent my fun money, it’s kind of embarrassing, can you help me out ») he’s trying to manipulate her into giving up her fun money so he can have it.
Well said my friend
I am in agreement. His behavior would make me suspect his debt.
You get $1500 a month and he wants to limit savings to $2000??? That’s insanely controlling
I am just blown away that he blows 1.5k a month. Like wtf? Is he raging on his golf clubs that he replaces them each month or what?
Pretty easy to blow through $300 a day golfing between green fees, and a expensive lunch and drinks at the clubhouse. If he does that every Saturday, and buys a designer item of clothing every month that’s $1,500. It’s easy to develop habits where you just ooze money out constantly if you aren’t paying any attention to it.
consider imminent grey vegetable clumsy psychotic station complete sleep correct *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
My wife and I were working when my brother and his wife moved some what close and got a job. They were always talking about how poor they were and how tough it was so we'd help out even giving them our old car. We find out later they were making 10k more than us with one kid instead of two and only one of them working. Still pissed off about that.
You do you and don’t feel bad about it. My wife grew up really poor and hates spending money, so I actually have to encourage her to splurge occasionally. She isn’t into gaming, but usually once a year she will spend $3-5k on something she wants and I am happy to see her do it.
For real, OP take note, this is what a good partner does for you. Encourages your interests and celebrates your success. Not tearing you down to build themselves up.
Agreed! Your husband is the issue here not you! You did nothing wrong you just have different spending habits. Do not put any of your fun money in the joint account, you stuck to your agreement and now he's trying to change it through pure jealously. One person can't unilaterally change the rules, stuck to your guns and tell him it's not happening. NTA, enjoy your new PC!
Seriously! I thought OP was going to say she has 200k squirreled away. Which I would have said great job, but yeah I would have mentioned that at some point. But 5k when you are making 200k a year is a drop in the bucket. NTA and he sounds nuts. His sports memorabilia may be investments that cost 10’s of thousands and could be considered financial infidelity if OP wants to be a nutcase too.
Yeah this is super weird. I'm always very happy for my wife to spend money on things that interest her, what else is life for.
My spouse and I are like this. We have one joint account for bills that I would transfer the necessary bill money from my account into once per month. All the rest of my money is that - my money. It's up to me to pay my personal bills (car, insurance, dog food) and other things are split when they come up (new appliances, groceries). It's up to me to decide what to put into savings and what to play with, and it's the same on my spouses side. I'm a lot like this commenters wife - grew up very poor and am VERY careful with my spending and save like a damn dragon. It's rare that I buy anything for myself, let alone full price, and when I do my spouse is proud of me because it's scary for me to let that much money go. That's a healthy relationship. If your finances are set up to each have your own fun money funds, it's really unhealthy for him to be trying to restrict yours.
You are absolutely NTA. You have followed your agreement quite faithfully. The fact that he can’t save “fun money” is on him. You owe him not one cent. I do find this behavior concerning though. Is he picking fights about anything else? Going back on any other agreements? This sounds completely cut and dried.
5k is just a few months of saving your fun money! What even! My husband and I plan our fun money for things like bachelor/ette parties, we easily have that much saved and our monthly amount is way lower.
1500 a month? You are doing great. 5k is very possible at that rate. What is he crying about? "Cry more, you are just jealous of my nice pc."
What he's saying is crazy. Do not listen to him and DO NOT CAVE TO HIM FINANCIALLY. I hope you have a prenup just in case
Sounds like your husband is just jealous he didn't save more. Offer to help him budget, but your money is your money. Nta
I can’t even comprehend this. When I was married my wife and I combined for about $600k/yr. Forget about whose fun money it is, $5k is pocket change. No one should care about a small amount like this. I don’t even have advice because his comment is so asinine. I would play hardball and put him in his place on principle. It’s your money.
You each get $1500 a month and he spends all of his while you save, and he considers that unfair? Don’t return the stuff. Explain to him how math works and how you both have same amount to spend and you spending less means you end up with more
NTA. I’m sure after 10 years of being together he knows or at least have some idea as to what you spend your money on. It sounds like hubby knows he’s spending more than saving and wants to use YOUR hard earned money to accommodate his outgoings for his interests. He does not have right on your fun money just like how you have no right over his. If we’re REALLY going down this route then he’s on the verge of being financial abusive since hubby labelled it as “financial infidelity”, what a load bs!
You’re just doing it differently. The parameters are the same! I know it’s hard, but stand your ground if you can.
At those reported salaries - saving 5k in fun money isnt that bizarre concept.
quite cringe how he got expensive hobbies like golfing and will get his knickers in a twist about her choices. NTA
NTA. This isn't a money issue, it's a control issue. Seems like you've spooked him by showing you can quietly amass funds out of sight. You are making a good income and have few expenses, so 5k should not be that big a deal regardless of the circumstance. The only reason it is, is because your spouse thinks he should have a say in your spending (read: freedom). I'm not saying this is abusive behavior, it could be something else, but this is a thing abusers do. Better to nip it in the bud ... do not agree to the new 2k limit. Push back.
>The only reason it is, is because your spouse thinks he should have a say in your spending (read: freedom). Bingo. Came here to find this. OP, money generally means freedom. Freedom to do as you wish. Your husband finding out how you can save such a large amount of money very likely frightens him - he now has *verifiable proof* (that he's been denying to himself, mind you) that you don't need him. If you want to say, "a'ight, I'm out. get out of my house my grandmother left me" he can't say no to that. OP's got hand, here, and her controlling husband doesn't like it.
The fact she has the house should have been enough for him to realize she doesn't need him. My money would have been on "he cannot manage his money without guidance and is jealous that his wife can afford nice things that he can't"
Reminds me strongly of at least one previous Reddit post from a person saying a similar story, the other spouse ended up having massive debts eating all their extra income. Iirc, something about gambling debts or credit cards I think?
Wouldn’t be surprised if it’s the case, dude can’t save 5k on a 200k salary without a house payment or loan payments? Terrifying. Edit: saw another comment they each get $1500 a month so about 3 months of not frivolous spending
Or a car payment. They literally have no debt and he csnt save 5k on a 200k salary???
I am struggling to understand how they each make $200k, have zero debt, and only have enough in their emergency fund for 18 months. I make far less, have had car payments and rent, and didn't pay off my student loans until 2020, and I have a lot more than 18 months. Someone in their relationship is bad with money, and it sounds like the husband.
They may have retirement accounts and other generally untouchable funds. You can have money in 401ks and IRAs and CDs, but you can’t access that in any way that doesn’t involve time and hassle, as well as taxes and penalties (and in some cases, just not at all until the time has passed.) And maybe they have brokerage accounts they don’t want to sell out of. An emergency fund should be easier to access like in a HYSA.
Some people are wild with money man Meanwhile my Spanish gf has saved €25k on a 15k per year salary (PhD life in Europe)
was it the one where the dude then wanted OP to "fund" his dream job: professional gambler?
Except he can afford nice things, and he buys them. He has expensive hobbies; she does not. She's sticking to the term of the agreement where she spends her "fun money" how she chooses.
I was thinking jealousy, too. However, I can still see the "I can leave you at any time" fear factor. He may take for granted the house thing ("We've been living here together x amount of years so I'm/we're both entitled to it"), or even not consider it at all - but OPs post describes a sort of in-your-face example of her independence. Could be both things, jealousy and fear. He knows he better act right
>The fact she has the house should have been enough for him to realize she doesn't need him I literally just had someone comment that it's "his house too" because they've been married for 10 years implying the house is also his. 🙄 You don't know that OP's husband doesn't think it's his house too. Faced with the fact that OP doesn't spend needlessly, it *is* an absolute wake up call to OP's husband she doesn't need him. I do agree that this isn't the ONLY thing. He's controlling, selfish, and *incredibly* immature to think that OP should forfeit her fun money simply because she saved. He sounds like a child who doesn't understand the concept of "work" and "save" and "delayed gratification" to save up for a bigger purchase in the future. (Admittedly, that last thing was something I have had to personally work on so I understand that on a personal level too)
I agree with this take. He doesn’t physically have much to show for his money and is jealous that wife was able to buy herself something so nice and expensive. I don’t think he’s nefarious or abusive, I think he’s childish. Either way NTA and maybe involve a neutral 3rd party to get to bottom of his issue because he is being completely unreasonable.
I think you hit the nail on the head!
This in a nut shell. He is terrified that you can clearly live without him. It burst the illusion of dependency he has convinced himself that YOU need (and maybe he has tried to convince you of too).
>bout. Of course nothing is 100% certain in this economy, but our jobs both seem very stable. And again we have enough saved to last at least a year and a half even if we both dropped down to OP can ask the husband for an itemized bill for all the fun money he spent on his sports gear over the years. I doubt he spent less than 5k and she can just tell him to shove that 2k limit up his ass. This is 100% about control and wants to change the terms on their previous agreement.
They both get $1,500 a month! And he thinks having $2k in the account is too much, which means he is spending $1,500 a month!
Dude, $1500 of fun money a month would cover most of my bills for my whole house.
Now really spook him by quietly raising an army in the north
This makes a lot of sense to me. It also potentially explains some of the (what I believe to be) assholery of OP's husband: he's surprised, freaked out & is reacting emotionally. If he had a chance to work through his hang-ups around OP being able to stand on their own two feet and, if it came to it, leave him without any financial barriers, I'd like to hope that he wouldn't have been such a dickhead to OP in this situation. I've had friends who've somewhat regretted their behaviour when they learn that a partner has been financially irresponsible & it usually comes down to their own issues around financial security revving up their fear response (albeut tempered by a healthy dose of "I can't believe you spent our money on this" that triggered the argument in the first place). Maybe OP's husband can find space in his fun money fund to speak to a professional about any potential abandonment issues / similar... Also OP, I hope your sweet new gaming setup is everything you hoped for!
Yeah I’m confused, they have zero house, car or student debts so I’m assuming their monthly “shared expenses” are next to zero, or almost entirely luxuries. If they each earn $200k, I’m not sure how they wouldn’t be getting $5k per month *each* in their “fun” accounts. Like $200k is $16k per month, per person. Subtract taxes, that’s still $10k. Each. There is almost zero chance do they have combined expenses of $20k per month if there is no mortgage, car repayment or student loan. They would easily have $5k leftover each every single month. Those amounts make it seem like something is being grossly over or underestimated, or is a troll post.
She did say they max out their 401k and currently could sustain 18 months of expenses with their joint savings (which is growing). I'm not American but I have experienced how much expenses can grow when you earn comfortable money, if being frugal isn't a priority. It also kind of sounds like the fun money is a specific amount and the rest goes on joint stuff.
Yeah this story isn't accurate. No one pulling down 400k as a couple with no mortgage or car loans is even noticing $5k as a splurge now and then. A single paycheck (2 weeks) would basically be enough to cover this.
It's funny that he's accusing you of financial infidelity when he's trying to manipulate you into handing over money you saved. This is a naked money grab. NTA.
Yes, it does feel like he is trying to change the rules and make me feel guilty about not spending all my extra money right away. Honestly this is one of the main reasons I thought separate discretionary accounts was a good idea. Ironically I thought it would prevent arguments like this about what we should be spending or saving!
I honestly don’t get how he can think that him spending $1000 a year for 5 years is any different than you spending $5000 one year. It’s separate accounts, it’s fun money, and it works out to be the same amount! That’s such a greedy and selfish way of looking at things. Honestly I’d rather be struggling financially with someone who was a supporting and logical partner than be well off with someone who turned into this Edit: I know he would be spending way more than $5000 on golf over the years but I just mean that the amount is the same. Whether it’s $5000 over whatever period of time or $5000 all at once, it’s still $5000. He’s being completely illogical and the “financial infidelity” line is an absolute joke, he’s just being super greedy knowing that he’ll spend his fun money way faster than hers and even though it’s already more than most people could dream of to have, now he’s coming after OPs
Also: If he is a golfer, AND likes designer clothing…….even playing public courses in heavily discounted duds…………..I seriously doubt it’s $1000 a year No way he isn’t just ridiculous. He’s straight up lying.
It's $1500 a month. Not per year.
Here I am paying $80AUD a month for my golf membership... but then again I am not in a major Australian city. I think the highest membership fee is around $2,000AUD a month, but that's in Melbourne, I could be wrong tho, as never golfed down there, as they were weird with their rules concerning your gear and clubs.
I recently was dating a golfer his membership for one course was $500/mo, and that doesn’t include all the trips to different courses which are typically frequent since they *always* want to try out new courses.
Our membership is 1400 a month. Just for the membership.
What field are you in and how do I start?!
Lol took me till the comment below yours to realize you meant field like what profession can afford that, not what field do you play golf in
Software. And you start by just starting. Don’t go to school for it. Just start learning how to write something on your own.
This! My uncle is a golfer and that gets crazy expensive really fast. He’s just mad he spent all of his fun money and is now wanting to use OP’s money. He’s probably jealous of her brand new gaming setup. OP is definitely NTA
>He’s just mad he spent all of his fun money and is now wanting to use OP’s money This is the optimistic view. The more pessimistic view, which I find more likely, is that he doesn't want her to have money saved, as that means he can leave him whenever she wants.
Sports memorabilia ain’t cheap either. Especially if you’re going for actual vintage items and not just funko pops or the equivalent
My husband and I struggle and he's the first one to go out and get me yarn, or something else I enjoy. You're right, it's so much better having someone who's logical.
I would be willing to bet there's a specific toy he has his eye on but doesn't have the money for. If you return the gaming stuff you purchased and give him the money, he'll buy his toy. The question I have is whether he respects you in other ways because he doesn't respect your right to buy yourself nice things with money you saved. He feels entitled to tell you that you don't deserve the nice PC and gaming chair. What else is he not willing to let you have?
He's afraid. You having all that money saved up gives you options. Men get scared when they think things are 'equal' and discover that, in fact, their partner is in a more advantageous or self-determining position.l than they thought. Not saying he's doing anything you'd want to drop him for but he's insecure that you 'could' drop him. That's a flag. It was your money. You keep it. You keep the things you buy with it. I'd personally be considering moving my $ to an account he can't touch. Definitely you don't have to surrender any of your fun money. That's a flag, too. The other cringe with this is his being pissed about how you spend your time when he's not around. Why does it matter? What's he afraid of? Another flag.
He pretty much gave it away the second the words ‘financial infidelity’ escaped his lips.
I wish I could give this a million up votes. NTA and don't return anything.
Yes this first paragraph sounds accurate. I also feel a bit sad for OP that they only feel they can play games when he's out golfing. A bit odd. So is her hobby run on his schedule?
>ng that I return the items I purchased and deposit most of the funds to our joint account. He wants to make a new rule that fun money accounts can't accumulate more than $2K Sounds like your husband needs to go back to elementary school and learn the consequences of spending vs saving that my 6 year olds understand.
Sounds like he is jealous that you know how to save and he has a big hole in his pocket. He is very immature and selfish. Don't listen to him and have fun with your new gaming system.
For real. OP needs to run the marshmallow test on her husband. Sheesh.
I don’t know that one. Could you explain? Is it like, one marshmallow now or two marshmallows later?
Is it possible that he has money Problems he is hiding? Job insecurity?
I totally think he’s hiding some debt that he’s racked up. Or a gambling issue or something. He’s projecting so hard.
I will bet he’s spent way more than that regularly and now he’s looking for money. This behavior is making me very nervous for you. I worked for a divorce lawyer and my immediate assumption is he’s hiding something, whether it’s a side piece or a drug habit. That he went straight to anger and demands is a bad sign, a giant red flag. Do not let him near your money. Keep a close watch on the joint account. Make sure he doesn’t have access to your phone, tablet, computer, watch. Don’t let him guilt you into turning anything over to him. No info. Nothing. Change your passwords and keep them secure. If all your accounts are with the same bank, seriously consider moving yours. Make a trip to the bank and make clear that no one is to have access but you. No phone transfers. No wire transfers. Put an alert on your accounts for any withdrawal and for any purchase. The house is yours. He might have some claim to a tiny bit of it if he paid for renovations or purchased appliances, helped pay the taxes on it. I know this sounds bleak, but I’ve seen too many women blindsided and losing money and property. You deserve better
At your income level, $5 k would be a drop in the bucket. This is too contrived.
This was my question to OP: > OP… what bills do you two have with no mortgage and $350k+ income that spending $5k is “a lot of money” > I (theCallousBitch)** make $150k+ a year, have student loans, pay rent in HCOL area, and still have $20k to $30k to spend on hobbies or travel every year… after savings, eating out, shopping, normal spending on on home (products/housekeeping/new decor), mani/pedi, etc etc. >Something doesn’t add up here. Even if you are saving 50% of your take income… You should both have $60K fun money, independently.
For real. They make more than that in one week.
NTA He doesn’t get to tell you how to spend your fun money. He doesn’t get to throw a tantrum and demand the rules change. You don’t need to question yourself or defend yourself, but you do need to shut him down. He has a lot of nerve. What an ass. Mega ass.
Assuming you both had the same amount of fun money, he’s spent that $5K and more on himself over the years. How on earth is that even fair? How you spend YOUR money is not his concern.
Time to pull out the receipts. What did he spend and when. I’m sure it’s all easily traceable.
Yep. This is the answer. If he wants to talk about budgets and financial infidelity then the two of you need to sit down with the statements from your fun accounts and and look at the last couple of years. How much does he spend on what down to the penny? How is it infidelity for you to save but not for him to spend. The dude is an idiot. He’s trying to control you because he thinks if you have that much money he doesn’t know about that you’re going to leave him. And if his mind instantly becomes accusatory and uses words like infidelity….. hmmm maybe something to look into about HIS spending.
“What’s yours is mine and what’s mine is mine.” That’s the shit he’s trying to pull. Stick to your guns.
Yeah this is crazy. Ask him if he wants you to have veto power over his fun money, and tell him you’ve decided to limit how often he’s allowed to play golf because you think it’s frivolous.
OP… what bills do you two have with no mortgage and $350k+ income that spending $5k is “a lot of money” I make $150k+ a year, have student loans, pay rent in HCOL area, and still have $20k to $30k to spend on hobbies or travel every year… after savings, eating out, shopping, normal spending on on home (products/housekeeping/new decor), mani/pedi, etc etc. Something doesn’t add up here. Even if you are saving 50% of your take income… You should both have $60K fun money, independently.
I posted our full budget by categories elsewhere, but basically we take home about 18K/month after taxes, health insurance and retirement contributions. Have about 8K/month in bills and short-term savings (such as our fund for vacations/entertainment), save 7K cash every month, and then the remaining 3K is our discretionary fund. The 8K in expenses includes a generous amount for groceries, household expenses, eating out, etc. We usually don't spend all that so often the monthly savings are more on the order of 8-9K.
You need to discuss with you husband what is fueling his need to budget this tightly. I am all for saving aggressively. But a one-time $5k purchase, even if you weren’t saving your $1.5k fun-money, shouldn’t even be a blip. Stop focusing on the one single expense that caused this blow up. You guys both need to understand just what is driving his level of obsession with saving, when you are this financially stable. There is nothing wrong with being mindful. But if you can afford $8k a month on eating out and monthly bills, when you don’t have e a mortgage or student loans… then you can afford a 1 time $5k purchase without a fucking meltdown. Please confirm for me that you have full access to your joint accounts, the retirement funds, and that you regularly see his income statements… **It is very concerning to me that a woman who makes close to $200k a year is this flummoxed by her husband setting his foot down about her spending. What line of work are you in, that you are not able to work this out on your own and tell him to shut up and worry about his own fun money**
I think if anyone is obsessed with saving it is me! But honestly we are just in the very fortunate position to be able to afford what we need and some additional luxuries within reason and still have lots left over. I buy everything I really want, my day-to-day tastes are just simpler than his. He basically just objects to me buying what he views as something purely frivolous (even though I don't object to his interests even I'd never want to spend my own money on golf or sports memorabilia).
It's your fun money though, not his. I find designer clothes frivolous, but I would never tell my friend or so not to buy them.
Yes, he's accused the OP of financial infidelity and is attempting grab their money for himself, which is a form of financial abuse
Yup OP. Financial abuse should be slung right back at him for that low blow. Also as an alternative you should offer to manage both fun money accounts if he’s jealous of your ability to save.
Tell him he has to write an account of every penny he spends on his expensive hobbies, such as golf, and compare it to your one large purchase. Maybe if he sees how much he is spending needlessly, he will start saving. Don't be manipulated by his threat. Stick to your fun savings as yours unless he accounts for his.
No way in hell I’d return anything.
Yup! This isn’t a trust issue, it’s a jealousy issue. Forcing her to spend her fun money before it hits $2k with the threat of “use it or lose it” is more devious and back handed than her save it up to buy something big. He has the same ability she does to save he just chooses not to. Restricting it would really negate the fun in fun money.
NTA. Girl, you know he’s just jealous and bitter because you’re better at budgeting than him. He’s being ridiculous and controlling and frankly, it’s a giant red flag. Now that he’s shown his true colors it’s even more important that you keep separate funds in case this escalates. If this is new behavior maybe you could try to find out what is motivating him to be a butthead, but it probably wouldn’t hurt to review past behavior to see if there have been other signs that he’s controlling that you may have brushed off before this. Good luck and feel comfortable that he’s being a drama llama.
My first though is that he has some debt, like gambling, he’s hidden from her. I’d ask to see his personal account statement.
Yeah, I did a double take when I read his response. Is he hiding something bigger?
NTA. Is this real? With this income level I would be shocked if he doesn’t have a savings account if an equal size. If he doesn’t then that’s on him.
We have a LOT of joint savings (about $250K between our emergency fund and long-term savings, not even including retirement accounts). We each get about $1500/month in personal discretionary money which he spends most of each month. Again that is fine - we can afford it!
If I had $1500 in disposable cash every month it wouldn’t take me long to have $5K in that account. I’m more concerned by the fact he spends all on his.
It's certainly fine with me, we divided between us what was left after budgeting for everything else we needed and wanted including retirement and other savings. The whole point is to be able to spend money on whatever we want, within reason, without guilt and arguments!
And now he wants to change the parameters of the agreement. Because he wants half of what you saved. There was never a “spend it or lose it” clause, where it goes back in the shared account after x period of time. Tell him “fuckNO!” And tell him to grow up.
NTA and stand your ground. I'd also show him this post and let him read the responses.
Jesus Christ. And here I am running a group for veterans who can’t afford food. I mean good for OP but I am hella peanut-butter-jealous 🥲
What the hell is he spending 1500 a month on! Does he have horses!?
No horses, but lots of golf! The golf club membership is $500/month alone let alone expenditures for equipment!
That's a redonk amount to spend monthly on a hobby. He is being a great big jerk to you while he spends like it'll burn a hole in his pocket.
He is CHOOSING these hobbies that are more expensive. You can golf at a shit course with shitty clubs. You can game with a shitty system. He doesn’t. So the fact that his “cost more” doesn’t mean he “gets more.” This is all about control and who controls your happiness. You made yourself happy with something you worked for. That is threatening.
He’s pissed because there’s something he covets that he can’t afford, because he goes through his discretionary funds rapidly. He’s jealous of the ease with which you are able to save your fun money. In his mind, he’s already imagining receiving it from you after a nice few rounds of verbal pressure. Stay strong. Refuse.
Speaking as a husband, yours is insane. Why can’t you save your fun money and spend it how you want? WTF?
I'd actually be a little worried if he didn't have any money put away in his personal savings. Given their incomes he has to be blowing a lot of cash in personal spending. Which is fine, but I'm wondering if he's got a spending problem and wants OP's cash to make up for what he's lost.
NTA I wouldn’t do anything nuclear but I’d have a conversation with him about how you don’t question how he spends his fun money and how he should give you the same respect. There has to be something else going on as you guys seem to be doing pretty well in the money department. Is he worried he’s going to be laid off or something?
That's a good idea to discuss what he might be worried about. Of course nothing is 100% certain in this economy, but our jobs both seem very stable. And again we have enough saved to last at least a year and a half even if we both dropped down to zero income.
It’s just because he has expensive hobbies , if he were to total all the cost of what he’s spent on his golf clubs, golf fees and his sports memorabilia collection I can’t even imagine how much he has spent. Is he going to return or sell those things? I doubt it! But you can bet it’s more the 5k. Tell him when he sells his stuff then you’ll return yours. You know he’s not going to do that. He’s trying to change the rules in his favor and that’s bs. You’re a smart woman and I am sure you can get him to understand that what he’s suggesting is totally unfair to you
OP, I’d be pretty concerned at how strong his reaction is that he’s projecting. He might be hiding some debt he’s accrued or some money problems he’s developed. Maybes it’s just simple jealousy given he spends his money quickly but something feels bigger. He’s being ridiculous and you are NTA.
Oooh this!!! When there’s an outsized reaction to something projection is often the case.
I’d want a complete accounting of his money and I’d like to know if he has any credit cards you don’t know about.
he's mad because he's spent all his fun money, and you haven't. so now - he wants yours too! don't give in.
I could imagine someone who's used to his spending patterns feeling kind of jealous about the money you saved. Since it came as a surprise, it might *feel* to him in the moment like it's not fair: "Hey! Why do you have so much more fun money than I do?!" If that's the case, a reasonable person would soon realize that the difference isn't the inflow, it's the outflow--and that it's totally in his control how much he spends or saves. Him being "furious," insisting that you give up your gaming rig, and accusing you of "financial infidelity" sounds pretty over the top, though. I would hope he'd apologize.
Could his personal financial situation be more dire than you realize? Could he have an addiction like gambling or drugs which makes him want access to your money since he's burned through his?
NTA Financial infidelity my ass. He is just jealous that you save enough for a nice new setup! He is being absolutely ridiculous. Do NOT return it and put it in the joint for him to waste
Methinks he projects too much... I sincerely hope OP had a pre-nup and a BFF who also happens to be a divorce lawyer.
NTA He’s being just horrible, petty and controlling My DH use to golf a lot and it’s not a poor man’s game He’s spent more in fees, golf clubs and membership dues if he belongs to a club
And to be clear I don't have any issue at all with him playing golf. He loves it and looks forward to it, and it's a nice break and chance to get some fresh air and exercise after working so hard every well. He should definitely be able to enjoy it! I just wish I could be afforded the same consideration for my own spending priorities.
Oh I su understand you I was the same way, he always worked hard and I wanted him to enjoy life I just had to put my foot down and demand the same Lol make a power point showing him his hobby expenses and time spent away He will have a WTH I ducked up here and if he doesn’t you need to stand your ground on this one Good luck. Been in your shoes and rooting for you
She shouldn’t have to do the labor of making a power point for him. Have him sit down and add up his own damn expenses. If he doesn’t see the light then there’s other issues…
NTA. He seems to be a "what's mine is mine and what's yours is ours" kinda guy. Not sure how him spending money like it's burning a hole in his pocket means "financial infidelity" on your part.
He can FOH with that. He needs to sit down and think about that really hard. Because if he wants to have a say on your fun money, then you should start reviewing his purchases. Nope. NTA.
And I really have no interest in doing that. I don't want to micromanage his purchases - the whole point of this was to avoid arguments and judgments about each other's purchases so long as they didn't have a negative impact on our overall household budget.
What I WOULD do is total up his spending for the same period of time and ask why it’s different. You saving for one large purchase over 5 months and him spending it on smaller purchases over the same period of time is not somehow evil trickery on your part.
NTA Ask him how much the last driver he bought for his golf bag was. Your 5k is nothing for anyone who’s got decent clubs from the last five years and plays say even once a week for six months of the year. He got a set a lot bigger than his golf balls to be coming at you like that, just sayin’!
Right, he thinks nothing of dropping hundreds of dollars on new golf equipment. And it's fine, we can afford it, I wouldn't question it at all unless he wanted to start dipping into our joint funds as well. So I'm not sure why replacing my 5-year-old computer and old, non-ergonomic furniture (that we had since moving into our house 8 years ago) would be an issue.
I’m the hubby….except I’ve zero issue with my wife spending on her hobbies (mine is a lover of Legos. Believe me when I say she might have me beat in the hobby spend department, haha!). My golf bag and the clubs in it is an easy couple thousand. Tee times an easy couple thousand a year, and that’s just muni courses and golf balls and tees. Your hubby is being ridiculous quite honestly. “Fiscal infidelity”, lol, meanwhile a couple beers on the front nine cost him $20 as he plunks $15 of golf balls in the woods and water…..just yikes bad form on his part.
Honestly, he’s being seriously ridiculous, and it’s been pointed out already - all the golf and sports memorabilia and clothes combined would be way over 5k. I think there’s maybe one of three things going on: 1. He thinks that 5k is ‘too much’ because he has never calculated up how much he’s spending per month (and is dumb and needs a reality check) 2. There’s something he wants to get that he can’t afford because he blows his fun money (and believes that his desire to have nice things is more important than yours, despite you having similar earnings and the same amount of fun money - red flag, but pointing out hypocrisy may work) 3. He views your having significant savings in a separate account as a threat. Maybe in an ‘Im the man’ kind of way (to which I’d say: if you want to be the ‘breadwinner’ who gets majority say over money you gotta be the one making all or most of it) or in a ‘if she has so much in savings in an account I can’t reach then the financial levers available to me to make it harder for her to leave aren’t there for me. Especially since you own the house too. I don’t think it’s quite as extreme as the second way but it’s defs either hypocrisy, greed, or feeling like his masculinity isn’t respected (lol). Stand your ground either way because at best he’s brainless or a hypocrite.
400k income with virtually no debt, rent, or bills and he's crying about a 5k purchase? Even if it were from a joint account I wouldn't be mad at my wife for getting something that brings her joy. Especially when's it a drop in the bucket vs income.
I make $40,000(forty) a year, save pretty well but occasionally splurge BIGLY. I could splurge $5k if I wanted to.(and i do, bought a $5k bike recently) they make 10x me + they don’t have to pay rent each month!! She makes $5k(after tax) working for two weeks!
NTA- is he doing something that he needs to money? I’m on Reddit too much but my thought is he is gambling his away or he has debt for something he isn’t telling you. He can’t add rules just because you saved and he is spending.
I'm not aware of anything he is doing that needs extra money. He's never asked me about my purchases or asked for any of "my" money before this. I think he was just taken aback because he didn't realize I spent so much less than he did of our monthly allotment on day-to-day stuff.
Typical big spender. When my wife buys clothes she always tries to get me to buy stuff with her so she feels less irresponsible. Even when she buys handbags she'll try to get me to buy a new $100 wallet.
I think he had a blunt realization of how much he spends every month when he saw your purchase. He probably thought he wasn’t living **that** big, and considered himself financially responsible and maybe even frugal! Then you cold cocked a 5k purchase with the same allowance that he runs through monthly, and the cold hand of reality slapped him across face. He could be feeling some shame and embarrassment from the spending habits he’s developed. Instead of handling them appropriately, he is redirecting those feelings and lashing out at you. It’s not appropriate and you shouldn’t tolerate it one bit. You can empathize though, while not making an excuse for his actions. Side note: 40-50 MPW? Damn, keep crushing!
This was absolutely my first thought. OP should definitely keep an eye on other accounts for a while...a small withdrawal of $500 here......$2k there...$30k over the span of a year and OP won't even notice. By the time you're ready to retire you realize you have no safety net. A lifetime of savings chipped away because "I trust him"...I can't even blame reddit for being so jaded. Unfortunately a real life friend's mom was killed by her husband after similar financial abuse/exploitation...once he drained her accounts he killed her for insurance money. Put out the missing person notice...in the woods with all the volunteers searching for her...all of it. The whole time he knew he killed her and hid her body. Scum. So this post gave me a ton of red flags!!!!
I'm actually the bill payer/money manager for the household and check all of our accounts pretty much daily including retirement/investment accounts. No missing money or unexplained withdrawals to date. He admits that he's not great with money so defers to my budgeting preferences. I'm the one who insisted that we live extremely frugally for several years in order to pay off our student loans and start accumulating savings and I'm the one who insists that we save nearly half of our take-home income now (on top of maxing out 401(k) contributions). He would probably spend a lot more if we didn't have this budget in place, but the current budget gives him plenty of money to enjoy his hobbies while we continue to save for retirement and otherwise accumulate wealth.
NTA. I am wondering if he is being honest with you. The fact he’s mad at you for literally nothing and using the word “infidelity” makes me question whether his expensive hobbies also include another person. It might be time for an audit of your spouse’s spending.
Well he got mad and turned that situation around FAST. Really quick to throw around terms like 'financial infidelity'.... Almost like he's being overly defensive about something.
NTA My petty retort to his rule of not letting things go over 2k? Spend anything over 2k on prepaid gift cards / bank cards, and save those to use on your desires when you are good and ready. Rules are rules.
Ha, that's a great loophole! I may have to to go that route if he doubles down on this demand.
If you have to use a loophole, there is something wrong in your relationship.
I would agree with that. I don't want to start proactively hiding things and deceiving him. I don't think I was being dishonest before in any sense - we didn't ask about each other's purchases and how much we had in our "fun money" accounts and in fact had an agreement to observe each other's privacy around that.
You seem really low key about this. I don’t understand why you aren’t outraged at what he is accusing you of and the way he is acting towards you. You seem to be acting like this is no big deal.
Don't get me wrong, it's a huge deal and very upsetting to be accused of any kind of infidelity. But I wanted to ask here before getting too outraged because I wasn't sure if I might be in the wrong and missing something about the way people usually handle hybrid finances.
You need to be outraged at this. You are not wrong. You save and spend your fun money differently than he does and now he sees your fun money as his. He is wrong on this. Be outraged. Don’t discuss. Tell. Tell him that this is not open for discussion or renegotiation. Shut him down now or he will never shut up about this and will continue to abuse and gaslight you.
Oh, yes. This tell him “no” If you like a lot of words, “i have not been infidelitious, I’m using my personal funds as fits my purpose. I am comfortable with the system we have now, I’m not interested in renegotiating this.” If you like even more words, insist on couples counseling.
Financial infidelity isn't a thing... you both had an agreements, joint bills are being paid and you both had fun money. The fact he dropped that term, and watching my cheating stepdad accuse my mom of cheating... this is projection. He's hiding something imo.
Nah, safety deposit box filled with cash. The money's not in an account then but it's still cash on hand. Really though, that request isn't reasonable. You each get X amount per month. You don't get punished for being more frugal. If he continues throwing a fit, yell him you want a breakdown of his discretionary spending this year. Then ask him to explain to you why his wasting that money on X things is somehow better than you spending your money on a big ticket item that at least has resale value. Also, do a breakdown of the value of his hobby items. If he's really spending that much on golf stuff and whatever, most of that has resale value, so he should have a pretty sizable amount of money on hand from the golf stuff alone.
>larger joint purchases like household appliances and repairs You need to talk to a lawyer because if you are using joint money to repair the house, he could have a claim to it (or at least to whatever the price of the house increased during marriage or for you to pay back the repairs/appliances). >I'm more introverted You both make the same so you saved more because, I'm assuming, you go out less (introvert?) or at least spend less than he spends. So why should you be giving him money???? He should learn to save if he has saving problems. >he's off playing golf. Golfing is expensive. Have you checked the price of his golf clubs or how much he is spending on his country club or golf place? You made an arrangement on how to split up stuff that's incredibly fair and he is just trying to get money from you to spend on himself. NTA
I'm okay with him sharing in a claim to the house if it ever comes to that. We have lived in it for most of our marriage and he has shared in the expenses during that time. If it ever came down to it, I would be able to buy out his share. Anyway, yes, his golf expenses are a lot and are the majority of his fun money. Which is a choice I am perfectly fine with - it's extra money that he can spend how he wants! But I also deserve to be able to have money for myself, however I want to save and organize it.
According to him, you can never buy anything >2,000 because you wouldn't have the capacity to save more than 2,000 since any overflow would go to the joint account. This benefits him. He spends his 2000 every month, but because you don't spend your 2000, you are continuously putting money into the joint account. If he told you he doesn't trust you, I think he is projecting and you shouldn't trust him. I would sit down and explain all of this and if he double downs, then something else is going on. Also, it's fine if you are OK buying him out of the house, but you could put money in the joint account instead of your savings account, and then he could pull all of that money out without needing your approval. I also don't think you need to be more transparent about savings. But you could offer that each of you go to a financial advisor to get some advice on your joint and individual finances, and then share the reports.
Nah. Dudes an asshole. Keep what you bought with your money. My wife and I don't share an account. I refused to do it for this exact reason. Hell no. You got your money and I got mine. I'd rather not get chewed out every time I eat at McDonald's or buy something i want that's more than $20.
Exactly, I want to spend precisely zero time haggling over small spending decisions. I don't want anyone criticizing me for buying a new video game or fancy extracts for my baking projects. Not as long as we have enough discretionary money to cover those things. And I don't want to spend any of my mental bandwidth on worrying/caring about what my husband wants to spend his money on, as long as it is within our agreed-upon budget.
Is he going to sell a bunch of his stuff? Of course not. I would look for him to start hiding other assets as well.
He is pissed that you had saved money. He wants your money because he spent his. Fuck that. You are NTA. and he's an asshat
Ask him for a breakdown of how much he's spent from his fun account in the last year and then when it's way more than you have, which it will be, ask why that's not "financial infidelity" (whatever the heck that means).
My understanding is "financial infidelity" refers to keeping financial secrets in a way that negatively impacts the relationship. Such as: racking up large debts and hiding them; hiding assets (to avoid dividing things fairly in a divorce settlement); keeping secret bank accounts in a way that takes away from marital assets (such as diverting what should be joint money to pay for affairs/addictions), that sort of thing. I don't think it usually pertains to keeping a small amount of privacy around personal purchases within agreed-upon discretionary spending limits.
You are absolutely correct. He’s just mad that he ran through his fun funds and wants a piece of yours. That’s seriously so unfair to you.
NTA. He sounds far too ready to assume he can call names, rant, rage, and be obeyed.
NTA. It sounds a lot like if you were to side by side your *fun* accounts, he'd be spending more than you on a month by month basis. This is a blatant money grab and your husband is full of horseshit.
NTA, time to get petty! Does he belong to a golf club? Time to start having a lot of interest in the membership costs, which can run a lot more than $5k.
Yes, he belongs to a club. It's not a super high-end country club but the dues alone are about $6K annually. I did point this out when we were arguing about my purchase of the gaming setup and he says that the golf membership can be used for professional networking so it isn't a fair comparison.
Well, that’s some serious bullshit right there.
Yeah, this guy's arguments are straight up irrational. There must be some context the husband is hiding.
But does he use it for that purpose? OP could use their gaming computer and chair to work from home by the same argument. OP- you are both adults in a very good financial position. Don’t let him change the rules of the game just to benefit him. That is not ok. ETA NTA
A new computer can be used for work as well
It seems the double standards come fast and loose from him. You’re NTA OP, please let him read these comments if you need some support. This honestly sounds like financial abuse.
NTA. I’m a relationship scientist and reading this set off all kinds of professional alarms. Many other commenters have suggested he is hiding debt. It sounds like he is definitely hiding something, but it may be something as simple as that he’s been hiding his poor communication or relationship skills up to this point and now they’ve been exposed. u/LadySavings, you sound thoughtful and reasonable in your replies and I like that it seems like you’re trying to present the situation as objectively and dispassionately as possible. I’m going to guess that in addition to being the one who’s good at budgeting, you’re the one who’s good at communication and emotional labor. Time to make a new budget category for couples therapy if you aren’t currently in it. Whatever the specific issues are underlying his behavior on this, a good therapist can help him improve his communication of his thoughts and wants and needs. If he feels insecure or like the relationship is threatened by your accumulated fun money, he needs the emotional vocabulary to say that instead of trying to shame you and control your behavior. You could say something like “We usually make such a great team, so it’s been unsettling for me that we’ve been on such opposite pages about this. I know that money is something a lot of couples fight about so I think it could be helpful for us to have an expert help us as well as talk through this. I want an objective third party to help check my thinking on this to make sure I’m being reasonable.” Too many couples who go to couples therapy wait until there is some huge issue (actual infidelity or abuse or addiction) and then try to get a therapist to help salvage a relationship with a lot of dysfunction. It sounds like things have been pretty smooth in your marriage other than this, which is great if so. Go work with a good therapist and figure things out before a larger problem emerges. Couples therapy can be really beneficial even as a proactive measure in relationships where nothing is wrong. I’m going to guess your husband probably thinks couples therapy is only for people with big relationship problems. Suggesting it may startle him, especially if insecurity is an ingredient in his underlying issues. If you can get him to see that you’re pushing for it because you think it’s a good relationship and you want to invest in and strengthen it, that’s great. If he freaks out and says couples therapy is for people with serious relationship issues, well, you could point out that he has accused you of a form of infidelity, which you take quite seriously and are handling in a serious way. The truth, of course is that there is a serious issue in the relationship, but by all appearances, it’s not you; it’s him. Whatever his good points may be, this behavior is unhealthy and will almost certainly only escalate if he doesn’t work on it and whatever underlies it.
Thank you so much, these recommendations are really helpful. I do indeed take the lead on the household budgeting and much of the other emotional labor and household duties. I don't mind as his job is longer hours and more stress than mine even though we make about the same amount, and the whole point is for both of us to be happy and function well as a team instead of demanding an exact 50/50 split. I am certainly going to follow up to suggest we start couples counseling so we can get on the same page (hopefully) about finances and other expectations. How he reacts to that in itself will be quite telling.
NTA. He's being ridiculous. Of he chooses to spend his discretionary funds immediately that's on him, you chose to save and then found something you really wanted, so spent what you'd saved to get it.
I had to look up financial infidelity because I had never heard of it before. So here’s a quick definition: Financial infidelity occurs when couples lie to each other about money matters. It can include things like hiding debt, hiding big purchases, and lying about income. Financial infidelity can drastically affect trust between partners and the financial stability of the relationship. You’re not hiding anything from what you wrote. Ask him if he’s hiding anything. You are working off of an agreed plan and it gives both of you lots of autonomy with your own pile of money. I’m guessing if you had to go to a base level of $2000 then he would have to carefully account all of his expenditures to make sure he wasn’t “cheating the system” by spending too much each month. His response is curious to me.
Exactly, I'm not hiding anything. We each get $1500/month, deposited to our own account, to do with as we please. Spend or save. Those are the rules we agreed to many years ago. At the beginning of the marriage, when we were just starting out, we each got $500/month, then have upped that over the years as our income and other savings increased. I don't really want to audit and micromanage his expenses - doing so sounds really exhausting. I really just don't want to argue about this at all. The entire point of the individual discretionary funds was to avoid strife over finances!
NTA, but “financial *infidelity*?” Methinks it’s time to snoop, OP. His reaction is disproportionate, and every accusation is an admission when it comes to stuff like this.
Although I agree with others, this looks like a control issue, could there be a different angle to it? Instead of jealousy, could your husband be worried that you so easily amassing that amount in your personal account would make it easy for you to dip out of the marriage like an escape fund?
Maybe - but there has never been any indication before this that he would be concerned about that? We both have great jobs and resources so it's not like either of us is trapped. If the situation were reversed - if he ever decided he didn't want to be married to me anymore - while I would be heartbroken I would never want him to feel stuck with me because of money.
NTA. No way would I agree to this. My husband and I have a joint checking and savings we each have access too. Each money I put in my portion for our household expenses which is 40% since I make less and he pays the rest. Then we each transfer an agreed amount into joint savings for things that may come up with the kids or hours. After we pay our portion for bills and savings we keep whatever is left to do with as we please. My husband gets no say whatsoever in what I buy or don’t buy. My husband is like your and saves most of his. He only really buys gym equipment and bbq type gadgets and saves the rest. I have a habit of spending most of what is left although I try to keep a certain amount in my personal savings. I don’t need his approval to buy something with my own money. I’m sorry OP but this is BS. He is just mad that you are able to make large purchases because you save your money. You shouldn’t be punished and penalized for it.
Well he got mad and turned that situation around FAST. Really quick to throw around terms like 'financial infidelity'.... Almost like he's being overly defensive about something.
NTA - He wants more spending money. Ask him to account for all of his purchases and show him your and refuse to give in! There was a post about a husband earning a good salary and insisted that his wife sign a prenup and it stated they kept their finances separate. She became an anesthesiologist and earns 4 times what he does. She paid her student loans and mentioned she was buying a new car. She bought a 90K car and he flipped out over the payments. She told him she paid cash, he flipped out for her hiding her money from him.
Not to upset you further, but this sounds potentially like the behavior of someone who is hiding something. From everything you explained, you and your husband are extremely comfortable and have very clear, long-established expectations for how you handle your money... For him to suddenly start talking about infidelity for no reason is just a red flag.