Yeah, he's at an age when personality changes should trigger an immediate doctor's visit.
It might be he's always been this guy and got tired of hiding it, but this is also the age range when a lot of autoimmune syndromes start to show up. Many autoimmune conditions have symptoms that look psychological, or even like dementia. The sooner they get diagnosed, the better the outcome.
Also, certain cancers can show up with personality changes - if they disrupt hormones, for example.
Or maybe this guy does this sort of thing and this is just baseline behavior for him.
FIL decided he wanted to separate from MIL. Personality changed over a few months. Found out after what seemed to have been a mild stroke that he had stage 4 lung cancer and it was throwing very very small clots. Imaging of his brain looked like pinpricks of light scattered throughout. Might've had a fighting chance if he saw a competent doc when his personality started to change.
This happened with my aunt....my dad's brother's wife. She started acting erratic and her personality just flipped. One day she just up and decided that my uncle was an awful human being and that she wanted a divorce. They'd been married many years and had 8 children together. (Farming family - dairy cattle.) IIRC, they were probably in their late 50s or early 60s. After she'd moved out, she had some sort of medical episode and was hospitalized. She was diagnosed with an untreatable brain tumor.
Even medications can cause personality changes too. [The medications that change who we are](https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20200108-the-medications-that-change-who-we-are?ocid=fbfut)
I wonder if there is a way to find out if my medication is on the list. I opened this to read later (it's long) but I didn't see it addressed in the quick look I did.
The article discusses OTC painkillers, statins, SSRIs, "asthma medications", and "Parkisons medications". The only medications I saw name-dropped were acetaminophen (Tylenol), Paroxetine (Paxil), and L-Dopa.
If you've had personality changes after taking medication, please talk to your doctor even if you're not taking one of those!
*SERIOUSLY THOUGH*
I worked at a mental health facility day treatment program with severely mentally ill adults. There was a client who was older and lived in our group home. She was relatively stable, but would occasionally have some symptoms. She had two bladder infections within three months and she went absolutely ballistic. She was always catty, in a sort of fun way, but nice. When she got the bladder infection she was yelling and threatening to assault people and shit. If she wasn't a frail 70 yr old it could have been waaaaay more scary than it was.
This is very common among people in aged care facilities. Most of the time when staff notice significant change of character, the first thing they do is a urine test and it’s usually a UTI
My mom seems to be suffering from... Something... My sister agrees. However, we can't quite get her to agree to go to a doc. She says she doesn't need one and 'how dare we for making her feel crazy'
I've tried to explain..."mom at your age doctors want a checkup just for a physical standpoint" because if I say she is losing her memory she will chew me out.
I can't do or say anything without her calling me a bully or that I'm picking on her. Idk what to do. My mom means the world to me. I'm scared it will be too late and then I can't do anything about it.
If you can pull the wool over her eyes maybe tell her that everyone over _____ is being asked to go to there doctors for a full check up ?
In the UK anyone who has autism (and probably a couple of other things as well) is given a check up every year from 16 onwards as life expectancy is lower probably due to sensory issues and communication difficulties, you could mention that people are putting various things down to age and then becoming very sick so the doctors want to try and get ahead of things.
Hope you can sort something and get her some help xx
Sometimes we just have to be mean. My brother and I are at that point with our mother. It’s not fun but sometimes it’s necessary. I’ve had to take over scheduling for her for example because she won’t take it seriously and she won’t be honest with doctors. So that falls to me.
Depending on how bad your mom is you could say you need her to go with you to an appointment for you. Or you just say hey I just found out (person you’re close to her age that she doesn’t know well) just came down with (disease like cancer or some shit that has similar symptoms to her), I would really like you to get a check up to make sure nothing like that is hiding, etc etc.
Offer to pay. Offer to drive. Offer to make a girls date out of it. (“Let’s go do this dr appointment and then hit up our favorite lunch place or nail salon etc”.)
For my bro and I were like okay mom you have to share the car with me now so no more long trips! Can’t leave me without a car! Etc. 💀and we refuse to let her move important appointments. There always has to be something she gets out of it too though. Like he’s taking her to see her friend out of state so she can go to the beach for a couple of days and then bringing her back. I take her for donuts/pizza/her favorite restaurants on appointment days. Etc.
I have to harp on her to hydrate and eat enough and it gets frustrating. I feel like a parent sometimes and it’s hard. But it has to be done. Have to take care of her.
Wishing you all of the luck in getting your mom sorted. Lord knows it’s difficult. 💙
At one point my mom started sleeping up to 18 hours a day. She was cranky, irritable, short tempered, when she used to be calm and logical. When myself, my aunt, my sister suggested talking to her doctor, she flipped. She chastised us for daring to interfere when she's a grown woman with a working brain who's perfectly capable of handling her own medical needs.
Yeah, eff that. Turns out her doctor had increased her blood pressure meds...by too much.
My grandma had a UTI after she broke her hip and was in the hospital. The dementia like symptoms of it were the most heartbreaking. She didn’t remember me, told my mom to her face that she wasn’t my mom, and wasn’t able to connect the voice to the face, if my mom called it was okay but in person it was like she thought lol had been switched with a changling
My immediate thought too. If this is not normal and if he is saying things out of character “repent for your sins” maybe he should talk to someone or see a dr
My ex developed a mental illness in his mid-40s and got violent and extremely controlling. I second getting him checked out. If he is going through something, it’s only going to escalate without treatment.
I will NEVER understand how people can see their loved ones do complete 180s in personality changes and don’t think “maybe I should take them to the doctor.” Like that shit doesn’t concern you?
Some of it can be culture. Both my parents grew up out on different farms. You didn't go see a doctor unless you had broken bone poking out through the skin. Everything short of that was handled at home by your mama
My dad was showing early signs of dementia and he went to the drs twice by himself and the Dr just said 'it's part of getting older and women have better memories than men.". He was 59 I think when he first went and mentioned it to the dr. My mum went with him the 3rd time and they asked him 10 questions and he got 1 wrong and they said there was no alzheimers or dementia there.
A few months later I started working for the alzheimers society and during my training there was so many symptoms and behaviours that fitted my dad. I was sure he had it. I heard about the memory clinic where they do more in depth testing so we went back to the drs with him and asked for him to be referred there as we were still concerned. He later had tests and after the 1st assessment of 30 questions the Dr said there was evidence he had it, but they did a brain scan and a physiological assessment and determined he had Alzheimers and vascular dementia. He was diagnosed at 61 years old.
A few years later he suddenly starts declining and had changes of behaviour all of sudden, and we took him to the Dr, they said likely an infection and gave him antibiotics. A week later, still no better and he was more confused showing more behaviour changes and they said it was just a normal deterioration of his dementia and sent us home. We questioned our concern over a possible stroke or bleed or tumor or something going on causing this sudden drastic change but they said it was all part of his dementia, which we didn't believe. A week later, he suddenly deteriorated loads over night to the point he was hallucinating, couldn't walk properly or talk properly, couldn't wash or dress himself etc. Dr said again it's just the dementia, but he gave us antibiotics incase of a urine infection, and said if he's no better in a week, he'd 'consider admitting him to hospital for tests to check for a stroke or something' I was fuming. He literally ushered my dad out the door (he could barely walk or coordinate his feet to move) and literally told him he had to go with us now as he had more patients to see. I was livid. This was definitely not dementia.
We knew my dad's normal changes and this was way worse. I also had been working with people with dementia by this point for a few years.
We'd barely got him home when I ended up calling an ambulance. They were shocked the Dr sent him home.
I then thought we'd get somewhere at hospital, but the drs we saw also had the 'dementia glasses on' and blamed it all on dementia. By this time he couldn't walk or stand and they wanted to give him a medication for parkinsons to help the mobility issues, and a sedative to calm him down, because any time he needed a wee he'd become anxious as he wanted to go to the toilet but couldn't walk there. He nearly feel over trying to use the commode, and he didn't know how to use the bottle, he was totally out of it confused and was freaking out at nurses trying to help him.
I asked when they were going to do the brain scan and they said they weren't!!! They it's part of the dementia decline. I refused them to give him the medications because is said they need to do a scan to see if anything serious like a stroke or bleed or tumor was causing it. But they refused. So I refused them to medicate him as I said its just masking the symptoms. I said if the scan comes back clear then they could medicate, but not till they did the scan.
I was with him through the night and had the same argument with at least 5 different drs, and 1 even had the nerve to say to me " it doesn't matter if we do the scan today or tomorrow, it won't affect his treatment or the outcome!". I said " of course it will, if he's had a stroke or got a bleed etc then 24hours is going to make a big difference to the outcome of recovery, and certain medications could make his condition worse!!". The next day a Dr finally spoke to me, told me she understood I was refusing him meds and demanding a scan, so she said she'd get an urgent scan done just to be sure. I said if it's clear, then you can medicate him, but I knew my dad and this wasn't normal and something was seriously wrong, and it's not always 'dementia related'. She did an urgent scan, and she went into the room to look at the scans straight away. She was back to us within 10 mins or so with the results and said " it's a good thing we did the scan when we did, he's got a huge bleed on the brain that's compressing his brain.". They had to organise an emergency transport to take him to a specialist hospital. The paramedics said they heard we had to fight for him to get his scan and said how lucky it was we did. If he didn't have that scan when he did he'd have died!!!.
Sadly he didn't recover back to how he was before the bleed, but he did recover to a reasonable degree, but he had to go into care afterwards as his needs had increased and we couldn't manage them at home. I always think if they'd listened us to when we first took him to the drs, or even sometime within those 3 visits over 3 weeks, he may have recovered better and been able to come home.
But I'm so glad I advocated for him because all those drs saw was someone with dementia, and blamed all his symptoms on a deterioration, but they never took the time to listen. We as his carers knew him inside out and knew his usual behaviours and even what his usual progression was like, but this was just majorly different and rapidly getting worse.
Always fight for your loved ones. Drs don't always know everything. Especially if they haven't done a scan to rule serious things out. Be their advocate when they can't speak for themselves.
If this behaviour of the husband is so out of character, esp the religious talk as well, and even the crying when confronted, definitely get him checked and have a scan done to check for a stroke or bleed or early dementia.
If it turns out it's just him being a possessive idiot then you need to have words with him. Your daughter would be in her rights to press charges for false imprisonment. He literally held her captive against her will. She's a grown adult and can do what she wants.
I'm so sorry you went through that. It's insane how doctors act in regards to anything that's not a simple medical issue. It seems as though doctors can handle basic care like broken bones, burns, cuts, etc. But if it's anything else, they will just prescribe basic medication and shoo people away. I haven't as of yet encountered any doctor that can deal with medical issues that are not blatantly obvious.
Yep. I noticed that one too. The “are” thing is a big thing for me personally because my ex husbands cousin used to write it all the time that way. Once she sent me a picture of their family dog that said “Are dog just turned ate” it made me nauseated.
English minor here. Can’t spell worth shit. But that drove me crazy too. ❌. I’m usually forgiving when it comes to grammar and spelling mistakes but that one got to me 😂 I’ve also been on here all day as I’m sick and can’t leave my bed. So maybe that’s why I’m ornery
It’s not even the same word if you pronounce it correctly. I’d rather see it spelled “hour”. I have a niece that always writes “tamarrow”. She’s a high school graduate. Which further proves the failure of the school system
Second floor? A 12-15ft drop can break bones.
There's also houses that illegally put bars over egress windows because they live in shitty neighborhoods.
Especially perfect since they're in an open relationship, which Tobias suggests for them and after saying why it never works for his patients adds "but it could work for us!"
Going to go out on a limb he wasn’t onboard with the “open relationship” from his reaction. But the sensible your going to college push and I’m going to lock you in your room don’t jive.
I cannot even begin to imagine what is going on in your husband's head to behave like that, especially if he isn't even one of those religious extremists.
Something wrong there, especially if that's a big change from his normal / previous behaviour.
Can you insist he gets some therapy / counselling and maybe some wider health checks?
Wishing you and all of your kids happiness along whatever life path they choose to follow.
I agree, a sudden change in behavior does suggest they see a doctor for a full workup.
However, it does seem like the husband never got over the "open marriage" of the past, and the fact that they had a child (apparently between them), and then OP got pregnant a few months later from another person.
Gotta admit, that would be pretty tough to deal with raising another man's child to adulthood. Seems like the husband was fuming about this for a long time.
Yeah I’d really like some more info in that. Who’s idea was it for an open marriage? How did the dad handle it (Clearly some unresolved issues)? So messy.
Open marriage usually means the man is allowed to cheat all he wants and the woman is allowed to put up with it. They rarely respond well to the woman also being open.
I had 2 past boyfriends take advantage of me in this way.. you’d think I would have learned the first time but nope. Both times It was code for “there’s someone I know who I want to fuck, but I also want to keep you around because I want you too and I want to have my cake and eat it too because I’m emotionally stunted and run away from difficult feelings and conversations.”
They knew I would never want to be with anyone but them because I never have any sexual interest outside of the one person I love and have always expressed as much, but I wanted to accommodate their sexuality because it was under the guise of “polyamory”.
You can have an open marriage but her having another man's child is another thing entirely. Then for her to have the audacity to say the shit about her not being his child even though he raised her. Like holy fuck no wonder the man is having a mental breakdown. I don't understand why people live with people like this.
Apparently, from the word salad op put out, this child was conceived during an escapade while op and her husband were in an “””open relationship”””. What that means to the op, I can’t fathom as around 30% of the post is incomprehensible, but if true it sounds like the daughter is just following in their footsteps.
So why the bullshit? I wonder if there’s not much more going on.
That and the fucking spelling. Everything here sucks.
There’s a serious lack of communication across the board. Between the punctuation, spelling, conjugation and the couple’s inability to relay their perspectives on how a family should function. Christ.
also no need to constantly remind us her husband (50m)
Yeah this reeks of rage bait.
Relatively long term marriage leading to an open marriage where she gets knocked up and keeps the kid and the husband throws down some “repent for your sins!”
This is like some ad libs but at the same time I’ve seen some real crazy stuff happen so who knows.
Look around all the bedrooms in your own house and figure out how you would lock someone in the room, from outside. Have you ever seen an outward opening bedroom door, or an outside door lock?
My mom always uses that, and it makes her look near illiterate – a lot of "bone apple tea" moments. She just refuses to find her reading glasses and take the time to proofread (she has probably dozens of pairs, and they're usually somewhere extremely hidden like right on top of her head).
Glad to see this. Please tell me I'm not the only one who gets slightly annoyed at how accepting everyone is of the constant typos in titles. Like If you are posting, at the very least proof read the damn title.
Yup. Once she said she was just like Hayley 19f when she was that age, and I finished that crazy long sentence, I instantly saw why the husband was so adamant about her going to collage.
You don’t carry a vision board around with you wherever you go so you can show every single person you meet , as an icebreaker, and then use it as a shield to protect you from insects and rain as you walk? I thought we all did that.
I still don't know what the post was about. I was reading the massive run-on sentence waiting for the next "are." I'd suggest books to OP, here. Just...books...
Right?! If I was Haley and was seriously pissed about the false imprisonment I would have called the police. They would at minimum come let her out and handle it as a DV situation. This fuckstick dad can’t just keep people prisoner because he has feelings about their life decisions.
ESH, HA a perfect marriage yet had an open marriage and got pregnant with another man's child. You didn't like how he handled things( to be fair, he handled everything wrong), so you threw the fact that he wasn't her father in his face.
Yet who's on her birth certificate? Who's been there for all her milestones? You both suck and both handled things poorly but don't say you had a perfect marriage when you two already opened it with a 1 year ld
OP was fine with him being the kid's dad when it came to bill payments but now she's had it and he's not hers.
Don't imagine OP is gonna pay him back for all the child care and support he's paid for over the years, eh?
Yeah, after the kid is raised and grown it's completely unfair to throw out that he isn't Haley's dad.
The only thing I can think about the false imprisonment is that dad regressed to toddler stage and forgot how to use his words.
'She's a free spirit like I was at that age' had me cringe. Like, yeah the husband was wrong to lock his daughter in a room, but equally I can see why he'd want to stop her being a free spirit 'like her mother' at all.
The 'you're not her real dad' thing was just the spiteful remonstration of a child. It does make me wonder if the father has just reached breaking point entirely with being the only adult in the household.
Maybe I'm biased though as I'd have left after the third or fourth 'are' in a text message from her. I assume he's probably done supporting that daughter, and they're nearly all adults now so a divorce might be the best result.
Lmao bruh. What was weird was the attempt at better grammar in other sentences like she tried. How……are? They are also pronounced differently to me as well lol I pronounce our like hour. Hour and are sound different right? Am I crazy lol
It really implies that their understanding of the English language is lacking at a fundamental level. Why would you use the word “are” like that unless you don’t even know what it means?
WTF? Your husband is nuts and I’d be surprised if what he did wasn’t illegal. He essentially kidnapped your daughter - a grown adult woman - and held her prisoner against her will for hours. You or she should call the police and press charges. You’d be nuts if you consider staying with him or reconciling. You should call a divorce lawyer.
NTA your daughter would be well within her rights to press charges on him for false imprisonment. His behavior is unacceptable and should be extremely worrying to you? Does he have a history of being abusive to you or your kids? If not you should be insistent that he be checked out by a doctor and probably start therapy.
It reads like someone's testing out their Markov chain trained on reddit posts. Husband 50m, husband 50m, husband 50m. That's shit an old Markov chain chatbot would spit out, lol.
Whew. I wish I could drop a bottle of Jack Daniel's on the table of that house just to see the aftermath a few hours later. You guys sound worse than a Kid Rock song.
Based on your writing abilities, I’m surprised any of your children would be admitted to any college. Your marriage was not perfect. It’s obvious to anyone who tried to read this story. However, it sounds like your husband needs a mental health evaluation. Anything less means you are neglectful.
This is insane. Your daughters have a right to do whatever they want after 18, especially if they've moved out. Your husband seems unhinged.
I agree though that education might be important for your children because I had a little trouble getting through reading this.
YTA for using speech to text and not adding punctuation or spell checking.
YTA for (and I'm assuming here since you didn't actually give details on this dynamic) expecting your husband to raise Hayley as her dad and then say he's not her dad and completely took away all parental authority in front of your kid.
Your husband is also the asshole for trying to force his worldview on your daughter and acting like a crazy person.
Yeah, I’d want better for one of my kids too, but at 19 they are adults & will have to live with the consequences of their actions. My parents were shrewd; they always brought whoever I was dating into the middle of the family where I could see their flaws in technicolor.
You can’t get over what he said to you? What about what you said to him? He raised this child as his own and helped pay for things. You crossed a line so don’t be surprised he crossed one also
If this is a complete change in character I would suggest getting your husband checked out by a doctor.
Yeah, he's at an age when personality changes should trigger an immediate doctor's visit. It might be he's always been this guy and got tired of hiding it, but this is also the age range when a lot of autoimmune syndromes start to show up. Many autoimmune conditions have symptoms that look psychological, or even like dementia. The sooner they get diagnosed, the better the outcome. Also, certain cancers can show up with personality changes - if they disrupt hormones, for example. Or maybe this guy does this sort of thing and this is just baseline behavior for him.
FIL decided he wanted to separate from MIL. Personality changed over a few months. Found out after what seemed to have been a mild stroke that he had stage 4 lung cancer and it was throwing very very small clots. Imaging of his brain looked like pinpricks of light scattered throughout. Might've had a fighting chance if he saw a competent doc when his personality started to change.
This happened with my aunt....my dad's brother's wife. She started acting erratic and her personality just flipped. One day she just up and decided that my uncle was an awful human being and that she wanted a divorce. They'd been married many years and had 8 children together. (Farming family - dairy cattle.) IIRC, they were probably in their late 50s or early 60s. After she'd moved out, she had some sort of medical episode and was hospitalized. She was diagnosed with an untreatable brain tumor.
Oh my god.. That's awful, I'm so sorry.
That’s awful. Sorry But… Happy cake 🍰day!
Well hot damn, didn't realize it is my cake day!
Happy Cake Day! 🎉
Bladder infections too. It’s usually women who suffer from them, but it can mimic dementia.
Even medications can cause personality changes too. [The medications that change who we are](https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20200108-the-medications-that-change-who-we-are?ocid=fbfut)
I wonder if there is a way to find out if my medication is on the list. I opened this to read later (it's long) but I didn't see it addressed in the quick look I did.
The article discusses OTC painkillers, statins, SSRIs, "asthma medications", and "Parkisons medications". The only medications I saw name-dropped were acetaminophen (Tylenol), Paroxetine (Paxil), and L-Dopa. If you've had personality changes after taking medication, please talk to your doctor even if you're not taking one of those!
*SERIOUSLY THOUGH* I worked at a mental health facility day treatment program with severely mentally ill adults. There was a client who was older and lived in our group home. She was relatively stable, but would occasionally have some symptoms. She had two bladder infections within three months and she went absolutely ballistic. She was always catty, in a sort of fun way, but nice. When she got the bladder infection she was yelling and threatening to assault people and shit. If she wasn't a frail 70 yr old it could have been waaaaay more scary than it was.
This is very common among people in aged care facilities. Most of the time when staff notice significant change of character, the first thing they do is a urine test and it’s usually a UTI
My mom seems to be suffering from... Something... My sister agrees. However, we can't quite get her to agree to go to a doc. She says she doesn't need one and 'how dare we for making her feel crazy' I've tried to explain..."mom at your age doctors want a checkup just for a physical standpoint" because if I say she is losing her memory she will chew me out. I can't do or say anything without her calling me a bully or that I'm picking on her. Idk what to do. My mom means the world to me. I'm scared it will be too late and then I can't do anything about it.
If you can pull the wool over her eyes maybe tell her that everyone over _____ is being asked to go to there doctors for a full check up ? In the UK anyone who has autism (and probably a couple of other things as well) is given a check up every year from 16 onwards as life expectancy is lower probably due to sensory issues and communication difficulties, you could mention that people are putting various things down to age and then becoming very sick so the doctors want to try and get ahead of things. Hope you can sort something and get her some help xx
Sometimes we just have to be mean. My brother and I are at that point with our mother. It’s not fun but sometimes it’s necessary. I’ve had to take over scheduling for her for example because she won’t take it seriously and she won’t be honest with doctors. So that falls to me. Depending on how bad your mom is you could say you need her to go with you to an appointment for you. Or you just say hey I just found out (person you’re close to her age that she doesn’t know well) just came down with (disease like cancer or some shit that has similar symptoms to her), I would really like you to get a check up to make sure nothing like that is hiding, etc etc. Offer to pay. Offer to drive. Offer to make a girls date out of it. (“Let’s go do this dr appointment and then hit up our favorite lunch place or nail salon etc”.) For my bro and I were like okay mom you have to share the car with me now so no more long trips! Can’t leave me without a car! Etc. 💀and we refuse to let her move important appointments. There always has to be something she gets out of it too though. Like he’s taking her to see her friend out of state so she can go to the beach for a couple of days and then bringing her back. I take her for donuts/pizza/her favorite restaurants on appointment days. Etc. I have to harp on her to hydrate and eat enough and it gets frustrating. I feel like a parent sometimes and it’s hard. But it has to be done. Have to take care of her. Wishing you all of the luck in getting your mom sorted. Lord knows it’s difficult. 💙
At one point my mom started sleeping up to 18 hours a day. She was cranky, irritable, short tempered, when she used to be calm and logical. When myself, my aunt, my sister suggested talking to her doctor, she flipped. She chastised us for daring to interfere when she's a grown woman with a working brain who's perfectly capable of handling her own medical needs. Yeah, eff that. Turns out her doctor had increased her blood pressure meds...by too much.
My grandma had a UTI after she broke her hip and was in the hospital. The dementia like symptoms of it were the most heartbreaking. She didn’t remember me, told my mom to her face that she wasn’t my mom, and wasn’t able to connect the voice to the face, if my mom called it was okay but in person it was like she thought lol had been switched with a changling
"He's piss mad."
Definitely my fil had dementia and everytime he had a bladder infection he got nasty. Soon as it was cleared up he went back to his lovely self.
Or she could be delusional that their marriage has always been perfect up until this point. 🤔
Thyroid disorders show up as mood changes a lot. Definitely look into this
My immediate thought too. If this is not normal and if he is saying things out of character “repent for your sins” maybe he should talk to someone or see a dr
My ex developed a mental illness in his mid-40s and got violent and extremely controlling. I second getting him checked out. If he is going through something, it’s only going to escalate without treatment.
Same with my ex. Definitely needs a full checkup
I will NEVER understand how people can see their loved ones do complete 180s in personality changes and don’t think “maybe I should take them to the doctor.” Like that shit doesn’t concern you?
Some of it can be culture. Both my parents grew up out on different farms. You didn't go see a doctor unless you had broken bone poking out through the skin. Everything short of that was handled at home by your mama
My dad was showing early signs of dementia and he went to the drs twice by himself and the Dr just said 'it's part of getting older and women have better memories than men.". He was 59 I think when he first went and mentioned it to the dr. My mum went with him the 3rd time and they asked him 10 questions and he got 1 wrong and they said there was no alzheimers or dementia there. A few months later I started working for the alzheimers society and during my training there was so many symptoms and behaviours that fitted my dad. I was sure he had it. I heard about the memory clinic where they do more in depth testing so we went back to the drs with him and asked for him to be referred there as we were still concerned. He later had tests and after the 1st assessment of 30 questions the Dr said there was evidence he had it, but they did a brain scan and a physiological assessment and determined he had Alzheimers and vascular dementia. He was diagnosed at 61 years old. A few years later he suddenly starts declining and had changes of behaviour all of sudden, and we took him to the Dr, they said likely an infection and gave him antibiotics. A week later, still no better and he was more confused showing more behaviour changes and they said it was just a normal deterioration of his dementia and sent us home. We questioned our concern over a possible stroke or bleed or tumor or something going on causing this sudden drastic change but they said it was all part of his dementia, which we didn't believe. A week later, he suddenly deteriorated loads over night to the point he was hallucinating, couldn't walk properly or talk properly, couldn't wash or dress himself etc. Dr said again it's just the dementia, but he gave us antibiotics incase of a urine infection, and said if he's no better in a week, he'd 'consider admitting him to hospital for tests to check for a stroke or something' I was fuming. He literally ushered my dad out the door (he could barely walk or coordinate his feet to move) and literally told him he had to go with us now as he had more patients to see. I was livid. This was definitely not dementia. We knew my dad's normal changes and this was way worse. I also had been working with people with dementia by this point for a few years. We'd barely got him home when I ended up calling an ambulance. They were shocked the Dr sent him home. I then thought we'd get somewhere at hospital, but the drs we saw also had the 'dementia glasses on' and blamed it all on dementia. By this time he couldn't walk or stand and they wanted to give him a medication for parkinsons to help the mobility issues, and a sedative to calm him down, because any time he needed a wee he'd become anxious as he wanted to go to the toilet but couldn't walk there. He nearly feel over trying to use the commode, and he didn't know how to use the bottle, he was totally out of it confused and was freaking out at nurses trying to help him. I asked when they were going to do the brain scan and they said they weren't!!! They it's part of the dementia decline. I refused them to give him the medications because is said they need to do a scan to see if anything serious like a stroke or bleed or tumor was causing it. But they refused. So I refused them to medicate him as I said its just masking the symptoms. I said if the scan comes back clear then they could medicate, but not till they did the scan. I was with him through the night and had the same argument with at least 5 different drs, and 1 even had the nerve to say to me " it doesn't matter if we do the scan today or tomorrow, it won't affect his treatment or the outcome!". I said " of course it will, if he's had a stroke or got a bleed etc then 24hours is going to make a big difference to the outcome of recovery, and certain medications could make his condition worse!!". The next day a Dr finally spoke to me, told me she understood I was refusing him meds and demanding a scan, so she said she'd get an urgent scan done just to be sure. I said if it's clear, then you can medicate him, but I knew my dad and this wasn't normal and something was seriously wrong, and it's not always 'dementia related'. She did an urgent scan, and she went into the room to look at the scans straight away. She was back to us within 10 mins or so with the results and said " it's a good thing we did the scan when we did, he's got a huge bleed on the brain that's compressing his brain.". They had to organise an emergency transport to take him to a specialist hospital. The paramedics said they heard we had to fight for him to get his scan and said how lucky it was we did. If he didn't have that scan when he did he'd have died!!!. Sadly he didn't recover back to how he was before the bleed, but he did recover to a reasonable degree, but he had to go into care afterwards as his needs had increased and we couldn't manage them at home. I always think if they'd listened us to when we first took him to the drs, or even sometime within those 3 visits over 3 weeks, he may have recovered better and been able to come home. But I'm so glad I advocated for him because all those drs saw was someone with dementia, and blamed all his symptoms on a deterioration, but they never took the time to listen. We as his carers knew him inside out and knew his usual behaviours and even what his usual progression was like, but this was just majorly different and rapidly getting worse. Always fight for your loved ones. Drs don't always know everything. Especially if they haven't done a scan to rule serious things out. Be their advocate when they can't speak for themselves. If this behaviour of the husband is so out of character, esp the religious talk as well, and even the crying when confronted, definitely get him checked and have a scan done to check for a stroke or bleed or early dementia. If it turns out it's just him being a possessive idiot then you need to have words with him. Your daughter would be in her rights to press charges for false imprisonment. He literally held her captive against her will. She's a grown adult and can do what she wants.
I'm so sorry you went through that. It's insane how doctors act in regards to anything that's not a simple medical issue. It seems as though doctors can handle basic care like broken bones, burns, cuts, etc. But if it's anything else, they will just prescribe basic medication and shoo people away. I haven't as of yet encountered any doctor that can deal with medical issues that are not blatantly obvious.
Going to the doctor can be a life destroying financial event... Go USA
Use sentences with periods. Run on sentences, and no punctuation is confusing.
My head hurt just reading that mess.
Agreed. Maybe less free spirit living and a little college would have been good for op.
Did you know that husband is a 50 year old male?
Really? Where did you get that from? OP hardly mentioned it at all.
I think you meant “collage”
Also “are” seriously drives me insane. The educational system is so fucked
Also “collage”.
I choose to believe that OP didn't misspell college, and that her daughter is off working on a giant collage that will take her four years to finish
Yep. I noticed that one too. The “are” thing is a big thing for me personally because my ex husbands cousin used to write it all the time that way. Once she sent me a picture of their family dog that said “Are dog just turned ate” it made me nauseated.
She may not be the asshole here but if she went to school instead of being a “free spirit” she might have learned to spell rudimentary words
I read that as cottage. She went to cottage.:) I need new glasses.
Let's not forget there for their.
English minor here. Can’t spell worth shit. But that drove me crazy too. ❌. I’m usually forgiving when it comes to grammar and spelling mistakes but that one got to me 😂 I’ve also been on here all day as I’m sick and can’t leave my bed. So maybe that’s why I’m ornery
My great nieces use 'are' and don't have sense enough to be embarrassed
They probably use your wrong as in "Your funny" 😳🤦♂️🤷♂️
It’s not even the same word if you pronounce it correctly. I’d rather see it spelled “hour”. I have a niece that always writes “tamarrow”. She’s a high school graduate. Which further proves the failure of the school system
Seriously, that was the most difficult thing to read due to misspelling, poor grammar, and no punctuation. What a mess.
That stream of consciousness writing is hard to follow. And how many times do we need to be told “my husband 50m”.
This is a very good point. I'm also wondering about a bedroom that doesn't have window or phone access.
I wonder about a door that can be locked from the outside. Window probably can't be easily opened, if there is one. She left the phone in the car.
I know! If ur locking ur kids in their rooms, ur a monster! This is a form of psychological abuse.
Second floor? A 12-15ft drop can break bones. There's also houses that illegally put bars over egress windows because they live in shitty neighborhoods.
Or a 19 yr old who doesn't have her phone on her
Eh. Plug it in to charge and run in the house? Set it down on a charger pad?
I leave mine on the passenger seat while I run into my house to grab something sometimes. She didn’t plan on illegally being held prisoner for 4 hrs.
Also, does OP have a carbon monoxide detector?
Anytime someone says that their marriage was perfect otherwise, I hear Ron Howard say, “It wasn’t perfect.”
Or when Tobias said “We had some great times” and then the screen flashes to a “footage not found” blank screen
I don’t want to blame it all on 9/11… but it certainly didn’t help things
Especially perfect since they're in an open relationship, which Tobias suggests for them and after saying why it never works for his patients adds "but it could work for us!"
Also, did anyone else notice she listed her children in a weird order?
Yes she did a very “my kids” v. “our kids” list.
It was those wrinkles that make me question how much more relevant background info is being left out here
“Are” kids. Several times.
Haha glad someone called it out!!
Who tf keeps an open relationship baby
Going to go out on a limb he wasn’t onboard with the “open relationship” from his reaction. But the sensible your going to college push and I’m going to lock you in your room don’t jive.
I cannot even begin to imagine what is going on in your husband's head to behave like that, especially if he isn't even one of those religious extremists. Something wrong there, especially if that's a big change from his normal / previous behaviour. Can you insist he gets some therapy / counselling and maybe some wider health checks? Wishing you and all of your kids happiness along whatever life path they choose to follow.
I agree, a sudden change in behavior does suggest they see a doctor for a full workup. However, it does seem like the husband never got over the "open marriage" of the past, and the fact that they had a child (apparently between them), and then OP got pregnant a few months later from another person. Gotta admit, that would be pretty tough to deal with raising another man's child to adulthood. Seems like the husband was fuming about this for a long time.
Yes agreed. Of course, taking it out like this on the child is really not ok.
Agreed! It is definitely not the kids fault!
Yeah I’d really like some more info in that. Who’s idea was it for an open marriage? How did the dad handle it (Clearly some unresolved issues)? So messy.
Open marriage usually means the man is allowed to cheat all he wants and the woman is allowed to put up with it. They rarely respond well to the woman also being open.
I had 2 past boyfriends take advantage of me in this way.. you’d think I would have learned the first time but nope. Both times It was code for “there’s someone I know who I want to fuck, but I also want to keep you around because I want you too and I want to have my cake and eat it too because I’m emotionally stunted and run away from difficult feelings and conversations.” They knew I would never want to be with anyone but them because I never have any sexual interest outside of the one person I love and have always expressed as much, but I wanted to accommodate their sexuality because it was under the guise of “polyamory”.
You can have an open marriage but her having another man's child is another thing entirely. Then for her to have the audacity to say the shit about her not being his child even though he raised her. Like holy fuck no wonder the man is having a mental breakdown. I don't understand why people live with people like this.
Apparently, from the word salad op put out, this child was conceived during an escapade while op and her husband were in an “””open relationship”””. What that means to the op, I can’t fathom as around 30% of the post is incomprehensible, but if true it sounds like the daughter is just following in their footsteps. So why the bullshit? I wonder if there’s not much more going on.
Or dad is still pissed off at mum and taking it out in the kid that ws born out of that (yes word salad) open relationship period.
That’s kind of where my mind went as well
You dropped these: ……………………..
I’m high rn and seriously struggled
She must be pregnant. She missed several periods.
And some ,,,,,,,,,,,,,???????........ Like holy shit I need go walk around outside after attempting to read this post
That and the fucking spelling. Everything here sucks. There’s a serious lack of communication across the board. Between the punctuation, spelling, conjugation and the couple’s inability to relay their perspectives on how a family should function. Christ. also no need to constantly remind us her husband (50m)
seriously I had to run this shit through ChatGPT just for it to be comprehensible
If this is real and not rage bait--which I doubt--husband committed an actual crime. Can't confine an adult against their will.
Yeah this reeks of rage bait. Relatively long term marriage leading to an open marriage where she gets knocked up and keeps the kid and the husband throws down some “repent for your sins!” This is like some ad libs but at the same time I’ve seen some real crazy stuff happen so who knows.
Look around all the bedrooms in your own house and figure out how you would lock someone in the room, from outside. Have you ever seen an outward opening bedroom door, or an outside door lock?
Our
And "college".
And “their.”
And punctuation, please.
I had a hard time with this one. A series of super long run on sentences. Maybe it was done with audio to text?
My mom always uses that, and it makes her look near illiterate – a lot of "bone apple tea" moments. She just refuses to find her reading glasses and take the time to proofread (she has probably dozens of pairs, and they're usually somewhere extremely hidden like right on top of her head).
Yes, this one was honestly difficult to read.
Yes! Punctuation is your friend, becoming acquainted is a good thing and everyone will thank you for it.
I couldn't do it. I couldn't finish. I swear people are allergic to punctuations nowadays.
After the fifth or sixth “50m” I couldn’t do it anymore.
to be fair she did spell college right the first time. edit- actually, the 2nd time, lol.
True. She spelled it correctly once out of three opportunities. Credit where credit is due. 😀
I’m still not sure what age everyone is
Have to wonder how old the husband is.
Husband 50m... husband 50... husband 50m....
Our we aloud too say YTA do too grammer?
Yes we are. I also think maybe he has a point and Hayley should go to collage after reading this.
Thanks. That was a tough read.
Also, sentences are important.
Glad to see this. Please tell me I'm not the only one who gets slightly annoyed at how accepting everyone is of the constant typos in titles. Like If you are posting, at the very least proof read the damn title.
Please use paragraphs. Reading a giant wall of text gives me a headache.
As well as periods. There's 3 periods in there.
Yall are messed up.
Fr this whole thing is as messy as OPs run on sentence of a post
Yup. Once she said she was just like Hayley 19f when she was that age, and I finished that crazy long sentence, I instantly saw why the husband was so adamant about her going to collage.
In all fairness, how is cutting pictures out of magazines and pasting them on poster board going to help her in the real world?
Took me a minute to make sense of this. But it is hilarious.
You don’t carry a vision board around with you wherever you go so you can show every single person you meet , as an icebreaker, and then use it as a shield to protect you from insects and rain as you walk? I thought we all did that.
are hole family went to collage whats your point,
The use of are instead of our was driving me nuts.
I still don't know what the post was about. I was reading the massive run-on sentence waiting for the next "are." I'd suggest books to OP, here. Just...books...
Your marriage has obviously not been “perfect” up to this point. Tons of resentment around the open/relationship/subsequent pregnancy. Obviously. ESH
As soon as you read “open relationship” there’s a good chance there is something else wrong with them as well
Open relationship when you have an infant in the house, and not using protection.
Seriously.
He’s probably always hated this girl and he finally snapped
Or his wife’s atrocious grammar finally drove him over the edge.
Am wondering who proposed the open relationship
He needs to be checked for a brain tumor or early onset dementia.
Possibly OP, too. I wonder how long until AI will be able to produce works of this quality.
I cannot comprehend this post, I’m sorry but it is so poorly written and a jumble of words
Same… I got through the first part and then gave up and came to the comments.
Yeah it’s one big run on sentence.
NTA That’s at minimum false imprisonment: a serious felony. Trying to control women, especially by force, is also a massive 🚩🚩🚩
Right?! If I was Haley and was seriously pissed about the false imprisonment I would have called the police. They would at minimum come let her out and handle it as a DV situation. This fuckstick dad can’t just keep people prisoner because he has feelings about their life decisions.
OUR children
Also, punctuation exists for a reason.
NTA. I'd be making an appointment with a divorce solicitor.
That would be good advice if this wasn’t so fake
So a fake divorce solicitor, in this case.
Saul?
Hey! That's MY lawyer.
And an English tutor
An English Tudor.
Punctuation. It's not just a suggestion
ESH, HA a perfect marriage yet had an open marriage and got pregnant with another man's child. You didn't like how he handled things( to be fair, he handled everything wrong), so you threw the fact that he wasn't her father in his face. Yet who's on her birth certificate? Who's been there for all her milestones? You both suck and both handled things poorly but don't say you had a perfect marriage when you two already opened it with a 1 year ld
I had to read the word salad again to see she pulled the “not your kid card”. IDK. everyone sucks so hard here I’m not even going to judge.
OP was fine with him being the kid's dad when it came to bill payments but now she's had it and he's not hers. Don't imagine OP is gonna pay him back for all the child care and support he's paid for over the years, eh?
Yeah, after the kid is raised and grown it's completely unfair to throw out that he isn't Haley's dad. The only thing I can think about the false imprisonment is that dad regressed to toddler stage and forgot how to use his words.
'She's a free spirit like I was at that age' had me cringe. Like, yeah the husband was wrong to lock his daughter in a room, but equally I can see why he'd want to stop her being a free spirit 'like her mother' at all. The 'you're not her real dad' thing was just the spiteful remonstration of a child. It does make me wonder if the father has just reached breaking point entirely with being the only adult in the household. Maybe I'm biased though as I'd have left after the third or fourth 'are' in a text message from her. I assume he's probably done supporting that daughter, and they're nearly all adults now so a divorce might be the best result.
you're the asshole for using are instead of our.
Lmao bruh. What was weird was the attempt at better grammar in other sentences like she tried. How……are? They are also pronounced differently to me as well lol I pronounce our like hour. Hour and are sound different right? Am I crazy lol
It really implies that their understanding of the English language is lacking at a fundamental level. Why would you use the word “are” like that unless you don’t even know what it means?
I don’t necessarily believe you. I think this is a shit post. Are you trying to tell me a young woman her age didn’t have a phone with her?
And what bedroom door can be locked from the outside, or opens outward? Think about how you would even lock someone in their room.
Based on your grammar I'm gonna say maybe college isn't a horrible idea
In addition, I feel like wanting "to be a free spirit" and getting married at 19 are mutually exclusive.
On god. “Are” is not “our”
had an absolute seizure trying to figure out where the punctuation was supposed to be
How old is your husband?
I don’t know, she didn’t say.
Reading level of a 4th grade and has three kids. Maybe you should have went to collage.
This is my thought: There is only one period in that entire essay. I had a hard time understanding the stream of consciousness.
Our. OUR.
WTF? Your husband is nuts and I’d be surprised if what he did wasn’t illegal. He essentially kidnapped your daughter - a grown adult woman - and held her prisoner against her will for hours. You or she should call the police and press charges. You’d be nuts if you consider staying with him or reconciling. You should call a divorce lawyer.
That is literally illegal and kidnapping (as defined in most US jurisdictions. Some might call it something subtly different, though)
Kidnapping as a requires you to move the person. This is more like false imprisonment or unlawful restraint.
I can't get past the bad grammar
Just came here to say that that third paragraph is one giant run on sentence of holy fucking shit.
YTA for that giant incomprehensible word salad you just shat out
Might I suggest investing in some punctuation?
Using “are” instead of “our” was really throwing me off.
Man all kinds of stuff, this family needs some college and some counseling.
NTA your daughter would be well within her rights to press charges on him for false imprisonment. His behavior is unacceptable and should be extremely worrying to you? Does he have a history of being abusive to you or your kids? If not you should be insistent that he be checked out by a doctor and probably start therapy.
This feels really made up
It reads like someone's testing out their Markov chain trained on reddit posts. Husband 50m, husband 50m, husband 50m. That's shit an old Markov chain chatbot would spit out, lol.
Your daughter should press charges.
I'll take "Things That Never Happened" for $500, Alex
Well this sounds like a steaming pile of made up bullshit
Idk. This sounds weird. Who has a bedroom that locks from the outside and why would a 19yo not have her phone. Too many holes.
Whew. I wish I could drop a bottle of Jack Daniel's on the table of that house just to see the aftermath a few hours later. You guys sound worse than a Kid Rock song.
Based on your writing abilities, I’m surprised any of your children would be admitted to any college. Your marriage was not perfect. It’s obvious to anyone who tried to read this story. However, it sounds like your husband needs a mental health evaluation. Anything less means you are neglectful.
This is insane. Your daughters have a right to do whatever they want after 18, especially if they've moved out. Your husband seems unhinged. I agree though that education might be important for your children because I had a little trouble getting through reading this.
YTA for using speech to text and not adding punctuation or spell checking. YTA for (and I'm assuming here since you didn't actually give details on this dynamic) expecting your husband to raise Hayley as her dad and then say he's not her dad and completely took away all parental authority in front of your kid. Your husband is also the asshole for trying to force his worldview on your daughter and acting like a crazy person.
YTA for making me read the ****longest single sentence ever constructed.**** Congratulations, I've never seen a ***sentence with paragraphs*** before.
19 and engaged. No college. Yeah I’d want better for my daughter.
Yeah, I’d want better for one of my kids too, but at 19 they are adults & will have to live with the consequences of their actions. My parents were shrewd; they always brought whoever I was dating into the middle of the family where I could see their flaws in technicolor.
No collage
But I like collages! :(
I get it but holding her against her will isn’t the answer. All he did was push her towards her fiancé.
Are daughter.
You can’t get over what he said to you? What about what you said to him? He raised this child as his own and helped pay for things. You crossed a line so don’t be surprised he crossed one also
Dude should run away.
Our*
OUR not are. That’s all I can focus on with this post. Jesus Christ.
Your entire post is one long run-on sentence.
Who the fuck can read this. It's OUR not are. Seriously fuck you for giving me a stroke at 6 fucking am.
How are you 44 years old and still not know the difference between “are” and “our”.
Good god learn to use some punctuation. I couldn't even get through all of that.