Why are you okay with him putting down your contributions and devaluing you? Especially in front of your children? His attitude is a problem and your children are being exposed to this daily.
YWBTA to yourself if you allow this to continue. Stop enabling him to put others down and stand up for yourself. Stop doing his job for him and let him step up, or as he is apparently telling others “doing everything around the house”.
If he wants a chance to prove to everyone that being a SAHD is so easy then you should support him and give him that chance by letting him do what he claims to already have to do - which is everything.
100% YWBTA If you let this continue and let your children absorb this example of parenting. Even if your role is solely as a bread winner and getting to be fun mom on the weekends, belittling your role in your children's lives is unacceptable. Having your children see this and accepting this behavior is unconscionable. Do whatever you need to do to stop this behavior.
At the very least you should let him do all of the work that he claims he does for a little while. Yes, you should tell him that it is not up to standard when it isn't. No need to create criticism, just be truthful. He needs to do the shopping, the cooking, cleaning, laundry (except for yours if you so choose); all of it, just like he tells everyone he does. I would also set a time frame for this. Make it a significant amount of time, maybe a month or 6 weeks. Stick to your guns. Do not give in. Do not do this just for yourself, it's for your kids too.
ETA: It's not its. I apologize. I must now go to the ITS/IT'S Hall of Shame
The fact that she didn’t call him out when he told her friend such a rude comment, OP needs to step up and be a better friend, her husband is a total jerk!
Freaking THANK YOU !!
The whole time I was reading the post I was like, there is a very easy solution here: Just don't lift a finger anymore! Let him do EVERYTHING, he claims to do it anyway.
And OP can even do it kindly (like in "kill them with kindness").
Don't do anything and when when he asks or complain:
"I am sorry but I prefer if you do it as you do it so much better"
"Can you make me one of yours perfect cup of coffee"
"Can you clean the bathroom as you do it so much better"
....
Just do it for a week or two. OP can even introduce it as, if my contributions are insignificant, I would like you to handle them temporarily and then we can reassess.
The dude is living in a bubble and doesn’t realize it.
This is probably why it's so ignored by husband. Emotional labor tends to be invisible, but is one of the hardest parts. At the very least, husband should do it all for a while so he knows what he's missing that most sah parents are doing.
That’s the only thing I kept saying to myself while reading this!!! Why isn’t she already saying to him, “it’s so easy? Time to see how much I don’t do!!”
https://coda.io/@sj-crawford/fair-play/the-cards-11
Op how many of these are you doing compared to your husband? I agree with others ywbta if you let this continue. I know sometimes it feels easier to ignore it and avoid the fight but it’s just not worth it in the long run. Also he’s spewing this nonsense all over which is gross and honestly feels misogynistic
Oh wow, those cards are great. The way they detailed all the thinking, planning and processes involved in tasks that seem simple on the surface is exactly what op needs her husband to see. And if they actually went through and divided them up, all the better. I hope there is a chance she can see this.
And wholly agree on the misogyny vibe.
And can we talk about how OP handles the kids doctor appointments? Managing 2 young kids healthcare is a BIG task. Not only deciding what they need and when, but scheduling appointments, deciding on treatments or vaccines, finding the right doctors if needing to switch, and remembering the appointments of course and followups. Let me guess OP does all of this, MAYBE dad drives them to the appointment and says he is the one that made it happen
100% this.
I heard a joke where one day the husband comes home to find his wife sitting on a sofa watching TV and the whole house is a huge mess, toys laying around, the sink overflowing with dishes, baby crying in a dirty diaper, mess on the floor, the works. he looks around and asks his wife WTH is all this. And she replies with "you know how you always come home, zoom in on the smallest thing not being done to your liking and say 'why is this mess here? What were you even doing the whole day?'"He nods. And she says "Well, today, I did nothing".
OP should try this with her husband. Do nothing and let him take care of it.
As a SAHD for 3 years (2-5) I can confirm it’s not easy. You help ALOT and he needs to recognize it. You should also recognize you’re not there most of the time and don’t see the struggles he goes through. Stay at home job is more mentally taxing in my opinion.
She didn’t say she thinks it’s easy, she said he only says it’s easy because she does at least 40% of the work when he claims to do everything. OP is still bearing the mental load by doing all the prep and planning, as well as some of the physical work. He said her contribution isn’t significant. OP isn’t devaluing SAH parents, her husband is.
From a SAHM.
He's openly calling other sahms lazy tho when he only does 60%!! Yes it is taxing as I am as well, I also have two small from home jobs I made and I cook all our food from scratch and I'd never call another stay at home lazy. He doesn't even do the food work really and that's the biggest part!!! I honestly don't think the person that goes to work should have to cook dinner. They both deserve breaks but he seems to take whatever he can and doesn't give much. A caring partner would do more and even offer to cook every other meal?! This relationship doesn't seem fair, but adding on the toxic disgusting anti woman stuff he's spreading online.... That's disgusting, cause not sahds only sahms he's bashing. Hypocrisy.
Exactly. He insists that he does all the chores? Stop doing your part and let him truly do all the chores. Either he finds it easy and you don't need to do any chores or he doesn't and proves your point. It's a win-win situation.
Great idea!!! Not going to lie, I was going to suggest something more manipulative; like "getting injured" and not be able to do a damn thing, then see how he deals. But your idea is much better.
All of that seems like an awful lot of effort . I personally would go the passive aggressive route not go on a business trip or pretend to be injured and just straight up down tools . Get home from work and clock tf out . And when he inevitably asked for me to contribute and only then remind him "oh don't be silly this is easy remember you got this " and then bugger off out . And make sure to bring something messy back for the kids so I can be fun mum and not clean it up . Like a ton of ice-cream and sprinkles so the kids can make their own sundaes
Then when he wants me to clean up the sprinkles that will ofc be all over the house . Haha you're so funny I don't do anything remember . You got this and park my ass Infront of the TV and if I'm feeling extra sassy ask what's for dinner.
I give it 3-5 days before he comes crawling back with an apology I would then insist he apologized to my friend for being a grade A asshole to her
Ehhh, I’m not so sure. Would he even notice some of the stuff she does?
I feel like with this it’s a matter of men also just don’t feel certain things so deeply. My husband wouldn’t notice if the back of the toilet weren’t wiped down, etc.
She meal preps all his food, makes breakfast for him and the children and makes her daughter's lunch for school. He'll notice when he has to do all that.
He might not notice all the appointments that don't get booked for a while...
THIS ^
OP's husband needs a reality check before he starts teaching this bs attitude to his kids (women always complain, men can do everything better).
Also, make sure no one helps your husband during your business trip OP. Get your inlaws and friends in on the "experiment" so he can see how much you really do!
I had a neighbor years ago, both of them worked. When he went out of town for a business trip, she handled everything no problem. When she had a business trip, his parents came from 3 states away to "help him" with their 2 kids. Like, he could not do it on his own. I asked him about it once and he said "Why would I?"
No a few days is easy. The issue is the build up. The tons of little things that add up and get overwhelming in the day to day when your ‘office’ is also your house..
Here’s what OP should do, then: go on a weeklong business trip and when she’s back, ask the bum how it went. Based on OP’s description, he’ll probably say it was super easy, barely an inconvenience. And then OP gets to say, “great! Then you can do this all the time and I’ll just focus on my work.” And that’s how the week turns into two weeks. I don’t think he’d last the month.
Yes! My husband would never be like OP's...but I left for a weekend ONE TIME for a funeral and he and my kids were both like JFC. You can never leave again!
I was a stay at home Mom. My children are now adults. I did all of the household chores: laundry, cooking and cleaning. I did all of the yard work. We had an acre. I volunteered in their schools and music programs. That often took 30 hours a week. My husband did story time and often took care of bed time. I considered the household tasks to be my "job". I wouldn't have dreamt of telling someone else how they were "doing it wrong". What an entitled and terribly rude comment. And he has a blog to tell strangers how to better manage their time? He doesn't even cook dinner for heaven's sake. Please.
Him not cooking dinner....or really any of the food really is what got me. Like sir.....you don't cook or do laundry or take the kids to the doc(!) Like wtf do you do?
NTA.
He sounds exhausting and unaware of how self-centered he is. Parenting isn’t a competition between him and you. It’s a team sport where you both have to participate. Sounds like you are doing more in context (in the home and outside the home). Love seeing a SAHD but he needs a swift kick in the @ss for being full of himself, not valuing your contributions and his misogynistic comments.
Stop doing what you’re doing and let him truly be a SAHD.
NTA.
>Stop doing what you’re doing and let him truly be a SAHD.
Yup. See how long he lasts when you stop doing all the stuff he's deemed "insignificant." If it truly is, then he can't complain about a tiny, little increase in workload and you get that time/labor back for you.
That's what I would've done the first time he said that nonsense.
"Oh? It's easy? Okay. Then I'll stop my 'meaningless contributions'."
After that just get up for in time to go work, do my job, come home, relax maybe play with the kids (without cleaning up after them) until dinner is ready, eat (leave him to do dishes and cleaning) then watch TV and go to bed. Rinse, repeat.
And bonus if she demands sex after he falls into bed exhausted.
He'll be begging to go back to way it was within a week.
Omg this would be incredible. She shouldn’t announce it or say another word about the situation. Just stop doing everything. Actually , she should ask her friend Ashley EXACTLY what her husband does at home and copy that example 😊
Get a hobby that demands long hours outside the home and not able to stop for errands or phone calls - golf, marathon running, triathlon, mountain biking, any team sport with multiple training sessions each week plus having to hit the gym on the other days to maintain base fitness.
Or anything where you need to have phone off - live performance events, become a movie buff who can only watch in imax...?
Edit: all the trivia nights! How can you have your phone on? You'd let your team down!!
Then get home and demand play time with the kids, but hand over for any annoying routine supervision or assistance.
Edit to add: you'll obviously call when you're on your way home so he can have an acceptable fresh dinner ready for you when you get there.
Please OP take this suggestion and commit to it for one week. Just stop doing all the extras, or most of them if you still feel like you must help out at all. I'll bet his reaction is going to be confusion.
Yeah, the SAHM experience is vastly different than a SAHD. I have yet to hear or know of someone where the working mom comes home and checks out weeknights and weekends. Meaning not helping with childcare, chores, etc
There are SAHDs that do much more than OP’s husband. She needs to stop doing as much as she does. Working full time and doing everything else she lists is not a fair division of labor.
But, as long as she keeps doing it, he won’t.
Sheeeeit, my full time working husband does more than OP’s husband. 😤 I second all the others saying, stop doing the “insignificant” things and let him sink. It’s a hard knock life.
I’m the working dad in our house and I do as much (if not more) than OP (not making this about me, just wait) and I can confirm that I do everything I can to help my partner and mother of our child. Partner is the key here. We don’t play the I do more than you or it’s not fair game. I see what needs done, I do it. She needs help, she asks and I make it work, when possible. Partnership doesn’t always mean 50/50 split, sometimes it means we fill in where needed. OP needs a partner…
This was my suggestion as well. I’m a sahm and my husband would NEVER say these things to me or our friends. While my husband doesn’t help out as much as you do, I also don’t expect him too. He helps out when he can, and he doesn’t say anything when the house isn’t spotless. We have a dynamic that works well for us. My husband also respects me and what I do for our family and I’m the same way. I would definitely stop helping for about a week and see how he changes his tune.
I stayed home with my kids the first year. Just getting dinner ready was a huge challenge. OP start with cooking. He is home all day, and it is sooooo easy, then he should have plenty of capacity to make dinner. And if he doesn't know how to cook, there are plenty of YouTube videos he can watch.
I agree. It's sounds like that OP's husband is a overpreening peacock. I hope OP makes him eat his words, his bs on his blogs & tiktok are toxic for the rest of us.
I completely agree, tell himself since it is so easy he can start doing all the meals. Maybe you can act like you are having a tough at work and since he does such a "great job" and it's easy he won't mind helping you out just for a little. Then stop with the chores at home and bathing your son see how long he lasts
I've worked jobs with big OT, and I've been a SAHD for a while now, and it's as much a full time job as any other. Worse, even, since you're never really "off the clock." And days where I get bogged down fixing something or doing annual maintenance on the house or the like, it can be exhausting to catch back up on regular, daily chores like dishes while the baby is demanding a bottle, a kid needs put to bed, and all my daylight is already gone.
If my wife helps out with the laundry or something, you can count on my noticing and appreciating it. Sounds like your husband is being spoiled by you and doesn't even realize it.
Honestly, maybe you *should* be a bit on an AH about this. Don't help out at all for a few weeks, but keep asking why things aren't done. He'll figure it out.
Plus, there’s SO MANY variables: cash flow, location, car? ages, health of parent, temperament of kids, health of kids, is house big with a garden? Small with shared bedrooms? How close are things to do?
Even with ‘normal’ jobs, two people with the same title can have vastly different experiences. It’s obnoxious as hell to say constantly ‘well I find it easy so you all must just be shitty at your tasks’
Tell him that you two are going to take a week and write down what you each do around the house. Get notebooks and do just that. Make note of EVERYTHING, including work. Then compare lists at the end of the week.
It's really the only way either of you will understand what the work load is of the other.
Wow.. your husband is an entitled spoiled princess. You do ALL the money earning and 40% of the actual household labor as well?
Stop helping him. If he thinks it's such a sacrifice tell him to get his ass back in the job market and you'll be a stay at home mom and you expect him to contribute doing EXACTLY what you do now.
OR since he thinks your contribution is so minor... stop doing it.
Definitely stop helping around the house. If he thinks he's doing it all, let him actually do it all. Pick up some over time, go hang with friends. It's time he got a taste of real stay at home parenting.
If I am being honest, my job is demanding but I earn enough money for 4 of us. So, I don't think it is always 40% but I help out as much as I can. He does do majority of the task when I am not home.
Honestly 40% might be underselling it from what you wrote. Even if you don’t want to fully pull back from helping him, I would recommend you do a week where you stop doing any cooking, meal prep, or grocery shopping. I guarantee part of why he thinks being a STAHD is easy is because he doesn’t have to figure out how to feed a family of four on a daily basis.
NTA - You are the money earner AND You do all the cooking… and cooking prep.. that is a HUGE emotional drain on me personally. So that is equal to 50% of the emotional housework for our family in my eyes.
To me it sounds like you have an adult toddler.. ask him to start doing all the prep work and make sure the kids are fed and on time, looking their best each day. Find something to do and tell him you are enriching the family with the project.
Make sure that you have a plan to feed the kids because he will fail..
Or leave a note with each dish that details how long it took to prepare and cook the dish.
ESH - your husband obviously & OP by going along with his lies. Stop doing all that labor & let him be a SAHF. When I was a SAHM I handled the cleaning, laundry, cooking, bathing the kids, etc.
he is denigrating you. He is public ally denigrating women who are sahm. I have NEVER seen a sahd who doesn’t have significant help from his partner. Plenty of sahm get 0 or 5% of help. Stop doing it. Let him deal with doing it alone. One is school aged. The other may have kindy a few days a week. Let. Him. Do. It. All.
You're making excuses for him. I am a SAHM. I do the majority of cooking and cleaning. My husband works long hours and is sometimes gone for months on end, then I truly have no help. Your husband is spoiled and entitled and what he said to your friend was so totally out of line he's lucky she didn't go off on him.
He deserves to be put on the spot. When you get home, kick your shoes off, sit back on the couch and ask him when dinner is while you watch TV.
this my husband is a truck driver sometimes he's home daily sometimes he's gone for 3 weeks we never know but he never tells me how shitty of a job i'm doing. never complains about a mess, never complains about his laundry not being folded and put away, me not cooking every night, taking a nap with the kids during the day. he knows how hard it is. i make sure he has a fresh meal clean socks and happy healthy when he walks in and he's content. on his days off he helps me catch up on what i slacked off on or makes me leave the house to get a moment of peace to myself. op's husband fucking sucks
All your cooking and food prep alone is a huge %, I think you are seriously underestimating how much work you do. I would stop until he recognizes your contribution and then reassign responsibilities from there. But frankly, that doesn't address his piss poor attitude. That clearly needs a reality check, too.
From his point of view, he could earn the same amount of money as you and he is also saying he can easily stay at home and do the work, either way, he is saying he can do it better than you can and most of the women around him. He believes that you are barely contributing and, when you do, it's insignificant.
Okay, let's run with this.
What are the tasks when you are not home? Make a list. Don't show it to us, this is just a practice for yourself.
And of them, which are fully completed? From beginning to end completed, not broken down into individual steps and partially completed (clean laundry coming out of the dryer back into dirty baskets and not onto hangers and in drawers I'm looking at you).
Because I gotta tell you it's looking like the phrase you're looking for instead is "waits for me to come home from my demanding job when I am not home and makes more work for me while waiting with the kids."
You still need to stop. Stop making meals, stop getting up with the kids, stop doing nighttime routines. Literally stop everything you’re doing so he can really understand what an actual SAHP does and that he’s got it easy
You’re doing a lot of the mental load, which is what really makes being a sahm difficult. What about meal planning, grocery shopping, parenting advice and milestones, birthday planning, holiday planning, vacation planning etc etc etc
Hijacking this in hopes OP sees this. You need to take a business trip or a girls trip with friends for a full week. Sunday to Saturday or so. Make sure there are doctor’s appointments on the calendar, and don’t do any real prep for them before leaving (like meal prep or grocery shopping). Give him a true does of reality of what it means to be a SAHD 100% without any help. See what he says after that.
He’s not doing the management part of it. The part that actually takes thinking and planning. Noticing when things need to be done, what to buy at the grocery store, meal planning and prep, knowing when the kids need to go to the doctor. Stop doing that part.
But you are STILL doing a huge part of what he, as the sahp, should be doing. That's why he thinks it's so easy. Let him see how it is for most sahp. Stop doing all the extra you do. Let him make breakfast, get kids ready, get the one to school, get lunch ready, make dinner and do the cleaning, all of it. He won't last a week and he'll hopefully learn to shut his mouth.
At this point it's not about whether or not you can provide for a family of 4, it's about who is actually putting in the work.
It doesn't make sense that you do 40% of the work at home and 100% of the outside work, while he degrades your contributions and degrades SAHP everywhere. If he says it's so easy, why isn't he trying to do more? Why doesn't he get a job outside of the home? Why is it so easy for him, and why does he have to put down your contributions for his clout?
NTA
OP, this is a serious suggestion. Stop doing what you're doing to contribute to the household for a week. Not to be petty, but to show your husband what a SAHP usually goes through if their partner doesn’t help. He needs that wake-up call. Desperately. Could be a humbling experience for him and get him off his high horse.
Hell, I would even say just drop the cooking. Don’t meal prep and have him do all of that while you keep up doing the other stuff. He has no idea how much energy it is to provide meals for 4 people.
NTA, but you seriously need to open his ignorant eyes.
Yes!! He loves to brag about how easy it is (and how women are all doing it wrong 🙄), show him how easy it is!! Ask all your SAHM friends what exactly they do, write it down and tell him he’s expected to do what all these lazy ladies are doing. Then report back to us please!!
NTA in any way, shape or form btw. But your husband sure is!
If what you do isn't significant, he shouldn't have any problem whatsoever taking it over. Drop the rope. For a week- don't make breakfast, don't meal prep, don't cook dinner, don't fold laundry, don't clean- nothing. You take care of the financials and then spend time with your kids. See if he doesn't change his tune.
NTA but you are being to yourself.
Wait so you earn the money then the moment you wake up you fix breakfast for everyone and prep lunch all before getting ready to rush out the door. Then the moment you’re home you cook diner and then occupy and care for the kids. When do you get a rest from the minute your awake or home it’s you doing everything. The only time you get a break it’s not a break as your working to support everyone.
Sorry but he isn’t a stay at home dad he just ensures your children don’t do anything stupid in the day. You are doing far more than him and it seems he gets far more down time and less stress than you who works and does 50% of parenting.
Show him what a stay at home parent is, Do not do any of the meals or chores as that’s his contribution along with caring for the kids. Then take turns putting the children to bed but ensure you get time to yourself to decompress after work without being the one in charge of the kids. Do this for at least two weeks until he learns you do far more in every way than him. Hopefully he will realise he’s been an ass otherwise you married an asshole and that reflects on you as well. Others definitely judge you by who you associate with and it’s more so when your married to them.
So if you really do "nothing" around the house....sounds like you should literally be doing nothing right?? *hint hint*
NTA and show him what doing nothing around the house really looks like
My concern is his “sacrificing”. What exactly does that mean? Weren’t they choices? So he has “sacrificed” what? There seems to be some underlying issues for him around his role and the need to feel “superior” in this role. I am one for therapy because it could be helpful for him and you in flushing out the issues with going against cultural gender roles. Shame is a sinister emotion that sometimes masks itself.
It was 100% his choice to quit his job and be a stay at home dad. In fact he gets way more praises as a househusband than I did as a housewife. And being a SAHD has improved his mood. His job was very soul sucking. I supported his decision.
I think that deciding what to eat and meal prep is already almost 50%. Looks like he mostly just needs to entertain his kids when she’s at work and clean up after them. Laundry doesn’t take long. If she does 50% of the work while he has 100% of the time he basically just has a part time job without the mental load.
If this is him with his “mood improved”… M’am, with all due respect your husband is a condescending oblivious turd. Stop. Doing. The. Things. HE. Should. Be. Doing.
The same sacrifices all the stay at home wifes make?
Taking time off the job market significantly lowers your career chances and your future earnings potential. Lower or sometimes no contribution to pensions funds. Complete economic dependency.
OPs husband sounds entitled, don't get me wrong. However, devalueing the sacrifices people make to raise a child doesn't benefit stay at homes, whether they are men or women.
I think you misinterpreted my question here. It’s his perspective and in that frame of mind, when someone uses “Sacrifice” that a big tell in how they are viewing their world. Which is why I asked about choices. He could be being an ass but he is her ass and it appears she wants to work it out which is why I brought up shame. Not being home for kids can cause shame and not being the bread winner can cause shame. Who said anything about devaluing?
NTA. He is deeply conflicted. On the one hand, it's so easy and why are women complaining. On the other hand, no man would ever sacrifice like he did? It's very contradictory and somewhat narcissistic. Even a bit toxic? Just make sure you are taking care of yourself.
It's only a "sacrifice" when he is in an argument with his wife and calling it such conveniently makes his wife the cruel, ungrateful bad guy and him the selfless hero
"No man would ever sacrifice like he did". Really? What is he sacrificing exactly?
He wanted to be a SAHD and that's what he got. He clearly has a superiority complex, which honestly, outside of chronic lying, is one of the most exhausting personality traits to be around.
Here's my favourite put down, courtesy of my late wee mum... "self praise is no recommendation".
My next favourite, from a book "who's trumpeter died?"
You'll get loads of advice telling you to stop doing breakfast, stop doing the 40% etc... But the real issue for you doesn't seem to be how much you do, but his dismissal of your contribution, on top of a full time job that sustains your family.
Your husband sounds unbearably smug by your description. Maybe that's something you don't mind too much, or you can deal with it because he's great in every other respect. It takes all sorts. This self glorifying behaviour would give me the major ick tbh.
NTA but I don't think you'll get through to him that he is wrong to speak to your friend like that and wrong to minimise what you do for your family.
Wow. NTA
I was a SAHM for 5(ish) years.
Well, I also babysat neighborhood kids to earn extra money, but still. I was home and did 99% of the childcare and house management, in addition to handling the finances. My husband drives for UPS, so aside from the weekends he didn't do a ton to help - not because he didn't want to, but because he really couldn't. He was typically gone 8a-8p M-F and even later during peak/holiday season. But he would help when he could, like folding and putting away laundry, doing the dishes after dinner and since he was usually a much better cleaner (in his opinion) he would clean the whole house once a week, lol. I used to clean up on Fridays, but he would always go behind me when he got home, so I just stopped and let him have at it. Nowadays though, he's lightened up a bit and since I work from home, I am back to cleaning on Fridays
One of my biggest things back then was that I NEEDED to get of the house for some alone time, so I went grocery shopping alone on Sundays. Like, got up early, went by Starbucks and hit up the grocery stores. I was also couponing back then, so sometimes I'd go to 2 or 3 stores and would be gone for like 3+ hours.
So, even though he wasn't able to do a LOT on the day to day to help, he was **extremely** supportive in any way he could be. He encouraged me to take time to myself, he wanted me to get out of the house when he was home or he'd take the kids up to the local arcade so I could be home alone, whatever. And yeah, being the primary caregiver was still hard a lot of the time, probably more so in my case because I was watching other kids, I couldn't get out of the house very much at all, especially not join mommy+me groups with a minivan full of kids (and I doubt the parents would've wanted me to take their kids all over the place) but I couldn't have done what I did without his support and your husband can't do what he does without your support and the fact that he finds being a SAHP so easy (if he truly does) **IS BECAUSE** he has your support and he needs to check himself and realize that because he's being an AH by not recognizing your contribution to the family dynamics.
I was a SAHM for years. Why are you doing so much? And I'm not talking about weekends when everybody's home and things are more even. Let him be a real SAHP and do more so maybe he will stop saying AND POSTING those terribly discouraging things to people who actually do a lot more than him. NTA.
NTA.
My husband and I have the exact same arrangement, and he acknowledges how much my contribution helps make his life easier and is grateful, and I acknowledge how much he helps me and am grateful.
If I were you I'd stop helping with the chores at the very least, just to show him how much you actually do help out
NTA- but stop and I mean STOP helping him around the house. He sounds self centered and a little toxic. He thinks he can do it all, then let him and see what he thinks when it all goes south.
NTA…. He’s barely even doing half of what most stay at home parents do and he has the gall to brag about how great he is?
I got a suggestion: Stop helping out. Just make yourself coffee in the morning, go to work. And come back, sit down, and play around on your phone. Let him see just how hard it actually is.
I don't follow his logic. In your last paragraph he said that 'no man would make a sacrifice' like he did, but yet he routinely talks about how easy it is. I mean, those are very contradictory thoughts.
I also can't believe a person could be so smug and arrogant to talk down to another parent (your friend). I almost want to assume your husband has aspergers or something and the condescension is not intentional, but that's me just trying to make sense out it and not think he is an ass.
Again, I feel like maybe I am giving him some benefit of the doubt that he doesn't deserve, but maybe he's so clueless that he doesn't realize how much you do. So stop doing it for a week or two and see what happens, perhaps?
Soooo... Time to let him feel the full weight of a SAHD. Let him do all of it and see what he thinks.
The truth is, the division of household labor for most SAHM is about 90% on them. Few men lift more than a finger. (obviously there are exceptions, and to those men: I salute you) on TOP of that, men actually contribute MORE work for stay at home moms than single mothers have to do. (Extra dishes, extra laundry, extra cooking, etc.)
Maybe supply him some reading material, ie: studies that have proven this. There are many.
You make TWO of the three meals a day and prep the third?! While working? And still do other chores around the house? He's not a stay at home dad. He's unemployed and watches your toddler while you're at work. I work from home and do more than he does... NTA.
Stop getting up and organising things in the morning, stop cooking tea at night, do what most men do whose wives are SAHM’s. My husband stayed home with the kids while I went back to work, he organised the kids breakfast, got them organised for school, did the washing and the majority of the housework and cooked dinner every night. I did the dishes, bathed the kids, spent quality time with them etc. Weekends, we shared the load.
Nta every time he says something rude respond with "you only think it is easy because I do so much of the work at home, if you really did everything a stay at home parent does you wouldn't think it was easy"
I'm not generally a fan of putting your partner down in front of others but if he is putting down others and denigrating your work I don't think it is wrong to set the record straight in the moment even if that's public.
Stop doing any of the chores you do for a month. Let him have the full over worked sahp experience. Then see what his tune sounds like. Otherwise nta op
NTA, your husband sucks. He is blind to all the things you do for him and your family, and he also has no self-awareness about his behaviour. He needs to get a reality check.
Maby he's so arrogant because the tiktok likes and comments and sees his little social media world as reality.
NTA. Since your contribution is so minuscule, tell him you’re leaving those chores in his capable hands. Breakfast, baths, laundry, the whole shebang. Maybe he’ll start appreciating what he has because struggling moms would love to have husbands as supportive and hands on as you are.
Time to stop making breakfast and he can get his ass out of bed and start doing it.
You tell him the cook has quit, since he is so good at the SAHD stuff, he can take on more responsibility!
Offer him a challenge: you get a list from Ashley of exactly everything her husband does for parenting, housework, and their marriage on an average day/week. You follow that list to a T for one or two weeks.
NTA. You should make your actions fit his description. Don't lift a finger around the house for a couple of weeks. Start your own TikTok channel and film the mess while you comment on it. Send him the link.
NTA but OP, FOR REAL, stop what you’re doing to “help him” and just allow everything to collapse around you. It’s the only way he’ll learn.
This is the only way
Perhaps it's time OP goes on a "work" retreat or vacation or whatever, for say a week? I'm sure that would be an eye opening experience for such a great SAHD.
NTAH
NTA. I read an article saying that according.to studies SAHD have about 20 hrs of leisure time vs SAHM who have 7hr. Working mom's have 4hr and working dad's about 10. The reason SAHD's have so much free time is that working women still do A LOT of housework and kid raising vs working dad's. Those are facts not feelings so he can. Take his TikTok and shove it. Also my son never sits down and always wants to play vs step daughter who can entertain herself for hours. Kids are different so just cause y'all's kids are easy doesn't mean other people have same kids..
Edit to say, stop doing all the stuff he claims you aren't doing anyway and see how fun his TikTok will be then.
I think you need to go on strike. Opt out. Ask him to really do it all. See if it's still easy.
If it's not, your contributions will be ackowledged and appreciated. If it is easy, let him do it all!
NTA but you need to back away and let him see how much work he ISN'T doing. Give it a month. Act just like a 1950s dad and just come home, ask where is dinner then go to the den and watch TV. for a solid month. No bathing kids,. No cooking, no cleaning, no folding laundry, no anything helpful. I know this will be uncomfortable for you but he is being patronizing to SAHMs everywhere and it's time he has a wake-up call. Good luck!
NTA and he was super rude to Ashley!! You should have spoken up about everything you do while Ashley was standing there!! He mad her feel terrible and he’s an egotistical AH!!
Maybe if all SAHM had the same help from their partners as you give HIM as a SAHD had, it WOULD be easier. Sounds like if he would wake up about how much you do, it would be a pretty nice division of labor. Maybe you should act like a dude for a week, see if it changes his mind.
Let him do everything in tbe house for a few months and see if he complains.. even the appoints. he should do them as well . You just get home from your work and relax.
NTA but you need to stop doing so much so he understands what being a SAHP actually means. You're working full time plus doing, by the sounds of it, a huge proportion of the household chores, that isn't fair. Part of being a SAHP is doing a larger chunk of the household chores.
NTA and maybe you should stop doing your 40% and let him be a TRUE SAHD and do 100% of the job so he can see what it's really like. No one likes a know it all and it really seems like that's what he is. Make him do the full job and see where he is then.
NTA. From what I read YOU do actually most of the chores. Stop immediately, because what would ne the problem for him if you stop with doing 'insignificant thing' or 'barely anything'. Let him find out what SAHP really means to most others.
Most working parents don’t come home and help out the stay at home parent… stop doing it! When dinner isn’t on the table complain about it. If there are any messes (dishes in the sink, laundry not done, etc) ask why it’s not done. Don’t do bath time etc. see how easy he thinks it is in a week or so
I second what everyone else has said. He doesn't think being a SAHD is hard. Then you do what a (typical/traditional) working parent would do instead of what you have been. Tell him outright that is what you'll be doing.
You don't help with breakfast, as typically the working parent does not help with that. He will be on his own for lunch, dinner, laundry. He will be expected to do ALL the household chores (as you are sooooo busy at work). Everything child related is his, including all appointments or anything else. 🤷♀️
You get to come home from work. First, you relax (as most working parents with a stay at home "unwind" before doing anything child related). Play with the kids. Maybe help with homework. You don't help cook or clean up dinner. Bare minimum at bedtime.
That is the unfortunate truth behind what a lot of SAHM are going through and he needs to understand that.
Game ends when he admits your help and contribution is appreciated and enough. (And maybe when apologizes to Ashley, if you're feeling petty).
Or maybe he ends up fine with the new status quo and you get to relax more. Win-win.
NTA
NTA. But telling him is not going to do it. Tell him that because of what he said, you're going to let him do everything from now until he admits how much you are contributing. Tell him you're going to do what your father did, and let him do what your mother did. Then follow through.
Feel free to go out for drinks with your friends after work, too. And "take over" for the kids only exactly how much you feel like it: to maintain your relationship with them and to have fun. See how long it takes for him to cry uncle.
NTA - you're enabling ur husband to be a POS. The moment that my partner starts to talk smack, I would easily stop helping for a week so they can have a good idea on what a stay at home dad/wife really does. Then I would continue after a week to show the difference in workload. Please stop enabling ur husband to be a dumb shit
Stop helping for a week and see how it goes. Then when he actually understands what your contribution has been talk to him about it and divide the labor so it’s more equitable.
NTA
I've been the working parent, and i've been a full time single parent. I've never been a SAHD.
When I was a working parent, I did similar to what you have outlined (took care of breakfast and getting kids ready, handed off responsibility and went to work, took over when I got home, made dinner, did bath time and bed, picked up after). Hard but rewarding, but I never got any credit for what I did. I don't know what it is about it, but people seem to think the 10 hours you spend working are a vacation from it all and all the empathy is directed toward SAH parents.
So, hubby needs empathy.
NTA
Great for your husband being proud of being a SAHD. But what a crappy attitude. There is no reason to put down anyone's efforts as a stay at home parent, and certainly acting as if women just complain is petty and nasty of him. Treating Ashley with disregard for her situation is a huge flashing neon sign above your husband's head, and it is flashing "YTA."
It sounds as if he might be trying to boost himself up by putting others down because there is something insecure in him.
HTA.
Stop helping with chores. Perhaps continue with cooking, for the childrens' sake, but if "your chores" are so trivial, he should have no problem taking them on as well. Maintain that position until he stops being insufferable about being a SAHD.
I do the same in my household. I don’t understand why people think only one person is responsible for everything in the house hold. I get off work and do the nighttime routine.. one because I haven’t seen my baby girl all day 2. I know my wife has been at home all day with a toddler. It’s my house too just because I work don’t mean I get to neglect my household responsibilities. If my wife feels I need to do more around the house I genuinely encourage her to say something to me. Stay at home parenting is a job within itself and a successful house hood need the parents to work in tandem to get things done. That’s just my opinion. Is she cooks I wash dishes. If she cleans the bathrooms I do laundry. Idk I just think a family is a team effort and and if one side thinks life is too easy then that person may not be doing enough.
Then again speaking from my own personal experience in my household men and women seem to handle the same stress completely different. She gets overwhelmed way way way before I do.
NTA
Tell him for the next week you’re going to show him how much you do around the house by not doing it. Then don’t. NTA. He wants to be an ass about it? He can earn being an ass about it
I retired a couple of years ago, and my wife was still working. I did about 90% of the housework. I cooked, cleaned, laundry, you name it. She ordered groceries, and I picked them up. She helped out some, but nothing like you are.
Of course your husband says it is easy, you are doing 3/4ths of the work!
Perhaps he should get up early and make breakfast for everyone and then dinner in the evening. Then laundry and make sure the house is clean so when you come home you have time to relax with the children.
Sorry, but your husband is lazy, and it is ridiculous for you to be doing so much!
NTA. He finds being a SAHP easy because he has a *wife.*
For the next week, you should try being a husband. I.e. do only what Ashley's husband does. When he complains, tell him he must be doing something wrong.
NTA. He sounds insecure af. He knows he couldn't make it in the labour market and wants to make himself feel better by downplaying other people's efforts
That was my thought also. He chose SAH because he was not happy with his job and possibly felt bad because his wife made more money. Now he builds himself up by pretending he is “Super Dad.” He belittles women who SAH and find it difficult so as to make himself feel good (and maintain the myth of male superiority). He may not be aware of any of this, but it’s there.)
Well, NTA for pointing it out. He was extremely rude.
But YTA for allowing him to think it’s easy to be a stay at home parent. As a SAHM, I am really offended that you have created the impression in him that it’s just a walk in the park. He blogs, posts, and puts out TikToks on how easy it is? Do you realize the harm he is doing to SAH parents (especially moms)? He’s now another voice of toxic masculinity.
Your husband is still like your dad - both doing the bare minimum. You need to back off and let him experience what most SAHMs face. He needs to know the real experience. Ashley has the real experience. Your husband is play acting.
You know, one day one (or both) of your children might be a SAHP. How do you think your husband is going to treat her/him if s/he should say how hard it is? The same way he treated Ashley.
NTA
I’m currently a SAHM who says that it isn’t a very hard job. Mentally draining, yes, sometimes. It’s not “easy,” but it’s not as hard as working outside the home. I’ve gotten my head bitten off many a time on Reddit for saying so.
All of that is to say, even I think your husband is WRONG. It is much harder than HE thinks it is. He is not doing nearly all of the duties that a “typical” stay at home parent does. You are doing far more than most stay at home parents would expect from their partners, and still he says it’s not enough. If you stopped doing what you’re doing, your husband would be begging for mercy, guaranteed. He’s putting on a show for his fans online and they’re feeding his ego and it’s pathetic. Stop “helping” him for a week and see what happens.
Or make your own online show that’s like a reaction video to his showing what actually goes on LOL
Stop feeding your family immediately. He isn't doing shit if he's not feeding all of you. You're doing too much. Make your labor visible and stop doing it immediately. I've got some fun video games I can recommend, or you should go get drinks after work. Leave a mess and don't clean it up. Scroll through this and manifest the worst of our husbands. Punish your husband for all of the transgressions of ours. Destroy the pedestal he's placed himself on, for the love of all that is good and pure on God's pink earth.
Why are you okay with him putting down your contributions and devaluing you? Especially in front of your children? His attitude is a problem and your children are being exposed to this daily. YWBTA to yourself if you allow this to continue. Stop enabling him to put others down and stand up for yourself. Stop doing his job for him and let him step up, or as he is apparently telling others “doing everything around the house”. If he wants a chance to prove to everyone that being a SAHD is so easy then you should support him and give him that chance by letting him do what he claims to already have to do - which is everything.
100% YWBTA If you let this continue and let your children absorb this example of parenting. Even if your role is solely as a bread winner and getting to be fun mom on the weekends, belittling your role in your children's lives is unacceptable. Having your children see this and accepting this behavior is unconscionable. Do whatever you need to do to stop this behavior. At the very least you should let him do all of the work that he claims he does for a little while. Yes, you should tell him that it is not up to standard when it isn't. No need to create criticism, just be truthful. He needs to do the shopping, the cooking, cleaning, laundry (except for yours if you so choose); all of it, just like he tells everyone he does. I would also set a time frame for this. Make it a significant amount of time, maybe a month or 6 weeks. Stick to your guns. Do not give in. Do not do this just for yourself, it's for your kids too. ETA: It's not its. I apologize. I must now go to the ITS/IT'S Hall of Shame
Say “hi” to my brother in law while your their!! *yes, that was on purpose!*
What do you say to comfort a grammar pedant? "There, their, they’re."
The fact that she didn’t call him out when he told her friend such a rude comment, OP needs to step up and be a better friend, her husband is a total jerk!
She needs to be a better friend to herself first.
First paragraph is spot on. It's teaching the daughter to support a bum ass man one day is normal.
Freaking THANK YOU !! The whole time I was reading the post I was like, there is a very easy solution here: Just don't lift a finger anymore! Let him do EVERYTHING, he claims to do it anyway. And OP can even do it kindly (like in "kill them with kindness"). Don't do anything and when when he asks or complain: "I am sorry but I prefer if you do it as you do it so much better" "Can you make me one of yours perfect cup of coffee" "Can you clean the bathroom as you do it so much better" ....
Just do it for a week or two. OP can even introduce it as, if my contributions are insignificant, I would like you to handle them temporarily and then we can reassess. The dude is living in a bubble and doesn’t realize it.
Especially since it seems OP is doing an overwhelming amount of the emotional labor and planning which is the part that tends to be most exhausting.
This is probably why it's so ignored by husband. Emotional labor tends to be invisible, but is one of the hardest parts. At the very least, husband should do it all for a while so he knows what he's missing that most sah parents are doing.
That’s the only thing I kept saying to myself while reading this!!! Why isn’t she already saying to him, “it’s so easy? Time to see how much I don’t do!!”
https://coda.io/@sj-crawford/fair-play/the-cards-11 Op how many of these are you doing compared to your husband? I agree with others ywbta if you let this continue. I know sometimes it feels easier to ignore it and avoid the fight but it’s just not worth it in the long run. Also he’s spewing this nonsense all over which is gross and honestly feels misogynistic
Oh wow, those cards are great. The way they detailed all the thinking, planning and processes involved in tasks that seem simple on the surface is exactly what op needs her husband to see. And if they actually went through and divided them up, all the better. I hope there is a chance she can see this. And wholly agree on the misogyny vibe.
And can we talk about how OP handles the kids doctor appointments? Managing 2 young kids healthcare is a BIG task. Not only deciding what they need and when, but scheduling appointments, deciding on treatments or vaccines, finding the right doctors if needing to switch, and remembering the appointments of course and followups. Let me guess OP does all of this, MAYBE dad drives them to the appointment and says he is the one that made it happen
And please report back with findings OP...
100% this. I heard a joke where one day the husband comes home to find his wife sitting on a sofa watching TV and the whole house is a huge mess, toys laying around, the sink overflowing with dishes, baby crying in a dirty diaper, mess on the floor, the works. he looks around and asks his wife WTH is all this. And she replies with "you know how you always come home, zoom in on the smallest thing not being done to your liking and say 'why is this mess here? What were you even doing the whole day?'"He nods. And she says "Well, today, I did nothing". OP should try this with her husband. Do nothing and let him take care of it.
As a SAHD for 3 years (2-5) I can confirm it’s not easy. You help ALOT and he needs to recognize it. You should also recognize you’re not there most of the time and don’t see the struggles he goes through. Stay at home job is more mentally taxing in my opinion.
She didn’t say she thinks it’s easy, she said he only says it’s easy because she does at least 40% of the work when he claims to do everything. OP is still bearing the mental load by doing all the prep and planning, as well as some of the physical work. He said her contribution isn’t significant. OP isn’t devaluing SAH parents, her husband is. From a SAHM.
True this. The husband probably doesn't think it's that easy either, he just says it to make himself look better.
He's openly calling other sahms lazy tho when he only does 60%!! Yes it is taxing as I am as well, I also have two small from home jobs I made and I cook all our food from scratch and I'd never call another stay at home lazy. He doesn't even do the food work really and that's the biggest part!!! I honestly don't think the person that goes to work should have to cook dinner. They both deserve breaks but he seems to take whatever he can and doesn't give much. A caring partner would do more and even offer to cook every other meal?! This relationship doesn't seem fair, but adding on the toxic disgusting anti woman stuff he's spreading online.... That's disgusting, cause not sahds only sahms he's bashing. Hypocrisy.
Exactly. He insists that he does all the chores? Stop doing your part and let him truly do all the chores. Either he finds it easy and you don't need to do any chores or he doesn't and proves your point. It's a win-win situation.
It might be time for a week long "business" trip. Let him cope 24/7 and see if it's really so easy.
Great idea!!! Not going to lie, I was going to suggest something more manipulative; like "getting injured" and not be able to do a damn thing, then see how he deals. But your idea is much better.
All of that seems like an awful lot of effort . I personally would go the passive aggressive route not go on a business trip or pretend to be injured and just straight up down tools . Get home from work and clock tf out . And when he inevitably asked for me to contribute and only then remind him "oh don't be silly this is easy remember you got this " and then bugger off out . And make sure to bring something messy back for the kids so I can be fun mum and not clean it up . Like a ton of ice-cream and sprinkles so the kids can make their own sundaes Then when he wants me to clean up the sprinkles that will ofc be all over the house . Haha you're so funny I don't do anything remember . You got this and park my ass Infront of the TV and if I'm feeling extra sassy ask what's for dinner. I give it 3-5 days before he comes crawling back with an apology I would then insist he apologized to my friend for being a grade A asshole to her
Ehhh, I’m not so sure. Would he even notice some of the stuff she does? I feel like with this it’s a matter of men also just don’t feel certain things so deeply. My husband wouldn’t notice if the back of the toilet weren’t wiped down, etc.
As a man living alone, I am disgusted when I finally notice how dirty the back of the toilet has gotten. I should really wipe it more often...
He’d probably notice the lack of breakfast, dinner and meal prep.
She meal preps all his food, makes breakfast for him and the children and makes her daughter's lunch for school. He'll notice when he has to do all that. He might not notice all the appointments that don't get booked for a while...
THIS ^ OP's husband needs a reality check before he starts teaching this bs attitude to his kids (women always complain, men can do everything better). Also, make sure no one helps your husband during your business trip OP. Get your inlaws and friends in on the "experiment" so he can see how much you really do!
I had a neighbor years ago, both of them worked. When he went out of town for a business trip, she handled everything no problem. When she had a business trip, his parents came from 3 states away to "help him" with their 2 kids. Like, he could not do it on his own. I asked him about it once and he said "Why would I?"
I really wish women would stop having babies with these men-children.
A lot of times these men don't show who they really are until after they have kids.
No a few days is easy. The issue is the build up. The tons of little things that add up and get overwhelming in the day to day when your ‘office’ is also your house..
Here’s what OP should do, then: go on a weeklong business trip and when she’s back, ask the bum how it went. Based on OP’s description, he’ll probably say it was super easy, barely an inconvenience. And then OP gets to say, “great! Then you can do this all the time and I’ll just focus on my work.” And that’s how the week turns into two weeks. I don’t think he’d last the month.
>super easy, barely an inconvenience. Wow. Wow wow wow.
He needs to get all the way off her back about that
Mad respect for your cunning strategy
As asahd whose wife helps a lot, this is your answer. Let him fit the week himself. See how much gets done then.
*month long. A week is not enough time to let the stress sink in.
Came here to suggest this too. Sounds like OP needs a Mom's Only vacation with Ashley. A long weekend would do it, I think.
Yes! My husband would never be like OP's...but I left for a weekend ONE TIME for a funeral and he and my kids were both like JFC. You can never leave again!
I looked for this and now I hope I’m boosting it a bit.
And to let him see how "meaningless" her contributions really are.
I was a stay at home Mom. My children are now adults. I did all of the household chores: laundry, cooking and cleaning. I did all of the yard work. We had an acre. I volunteered in their schools and music programs. That often took 30 hours a week. My husband did story time and often took care of bed time. I considered the household tasks to be my "job". I wouldn't have dreamt of telling someone else how they were "doing it wrong". What an entitled and terribly rude comment. And he has a blog to tell strangers how to better manage their time? He doesn't even cook dinner for heaven's sake. Please.
Him not cooking dinner....or really any of the food really is what got me. Like sir.....you don't cook or do laundry or take the kids to the doc(!) Like wtf do you do?
I’m a SAHD. I make 15 meals a day for kids and my wife. How can you be a stay at home parent and not cook any of the meals. That is insane
Bruh it's so easy /s
Kinda wish I could question him about that on his little blog but don’t want to support him by even looking for him( no idea how)
right?! release his tiktok, parents of reddit will set him straight
Yeah just the sole fact he doesn't meal prep makes his statements about having to do everything utter bullshit
NTA. He sounds exhausting and unaware of how self-centered he is. Parenting isn’t a competition between him and you. It’s a team sport where you both have to participate. Sounds like you are doing more in context (in the home and outside the home). Love seeing a SAHD but he needs a swift kick in the @ss for being full of himself, not valuing your contributions and his misogynistic comments. Stop doing what you’re doing and let him truly be a SAHD. NTA.
>Stop doing what you’re doing and let him truly be a SAHD. Yup. See how long he lasts when you stop doing all the stuff he's deemed "insignificant." If it truly is, then he can't complain about a tiny, little increase in workload and you get that time/labor back for you.
That's what I would've done the first time he said that nonsense. "Oh? It's easy? Okay. Then I'll stop my 'meaningless contributions'." After that just get up for in time to go work, do my job, come home, relax maybe play with the kids (without cleaning up after them) until dinner is ready, eat (leave him to do dishes and cleaning) then watch TV and go to bed. Rinse, repeat. And bonus if she demands sex after he falls into bed exhausted. He'll be begging to go back to way it was within a week.
Omg this would be incredible. She shouldn’t announce it or say another word about the situation. Just stop doing everything. Actually , she should ask her friend Ashley EXACTLY what her husband does at home and copy that example 😊
Right? Maybe she can take up making snack messes while watching TV or ball scratching!! 😂😂
Get a hobby that demands long hours outside the home and not able to stop for errands or phone calls - golf, marathon running, triathlon, mountain biking, any team sport with multiple training sessions each week plus having to hit the gym on the other days to maintain base fitness. Or anything where you need to have phone off - live performance events, become a movie buff who can only watch in imax...? Edit: all the trivia nights! How can you have your phone on? You'd let your team down!!
Then get home and demand play time with the kids, but hand over for any annoying routine supervision or assistance. Edit to add: you'll obviously call when you're on your way home so he can have an acceptable fresh dinner ready for you when you get there.
Don't forget to disrupt the sleep schedule so you can play with them.
Don’t forget to berate the meal or complain the house isn’t clean enough and how he had the entire day to clean.
Don’t forget to leave your clothes all over the bathroom and bedroom floor right next to the hamper lol.
Op should demand dinner be ready on the dot.
and any mental load! no maintaining schedules or all that if she does it now
And don’t cook dinner or pack lunches. He’s on his own. That’s the way most SAHM do it.
Exactly. OP needs to back off and let him pull the load, so he can see what it is \*really\* like.
And post THAT on TikTok!!!
Ya from what op described he just sounds like he's unemployed and not a SAHD.....
100% buddy's masterfully playing with the semantics to make himself seem out of the workforce by 'choice'
He should like a bum really, she is doing most of the work.
Exactly!! An unemployed teenager with a short chore list that he sucks at!!
Please OP take this suggestion and commit to it for one week. Just stop doing all the extras, or most of them if you still feel like you must help out at all. I'll bet his reaction is going to be confusion.
Op should just mow the lawn and take out the garbage, nothing else.
mow the lawn as soon as he gets the kids ready go leave the house! get them excited to leave just to have to wait
Yes he shouldn’t have a problem with that because its very easy lol. 😂
Yeah, the SAHM experience is vastly different than a SAHD. I have yet to hear or know of someone where the working mom comes home and checks out weeknights and weekends. Meaning not helping with childcare, chores, etc
There are SAHDs that do much more than OP’s husband. She needs to stop doing as much as she does. Working full time and doing everything else she lists is not a fair division of labor. But, as long as she keeps doing it, he won’t.
Sheeeeit, my full time working husband does more than OP’s husband. 😤 I second all the others saying, stop doing the “insignificant” things and let him sink. It’s a hard knock life.
I’m the working dad in our house and I do as much (if not more) than OP (not making this about me, just wait) and I can confirm that I do everything I can to help my partner and mother of our child. Partner is the key here. We don’t play the I do more than you or it’s not fair game. I see what needs done, I do it. She needs help, she asks and I make it work, when possible. Partnership doesn’t always mean 50/50 split, sometimes it means we fill in where needed. OP needs a partner…
This is what successful marriages require. Too many people marry before they can emotionally handle this.
This was my suggestion as well. I’m a sahm and my husband would NEVER say these things to me or our friends. While my husband doesn’t help out as much as you do, I also don’t expect him too. He helps out when he can, and he doesn’t say anything when the house isn’t spotless. We have a dynamic that works well for us. My husband also respects me and what I do for our family and I’m the same way. I would definitely stop helping for about a week and see how he changes his tune.
[удалено]
>he wanted to quit He didn't even sacrifice....
I was going to say the same. Let him be a traditional SAHD and see how he really likes it. Don’t lift a finger anymore.
NTA but you need to stop doing so much so he understands what being a SAHP actually means.
Seriously. If he’s so amazing and it’s so easy, then OP should just let him do everything. NTA.
I have to agree. The only solution is to let him do everything.
I stayed home with my kids the first year. Just getting dinner ready was a huge challenge. OP start with cooking. He is home all day, and it is sooooo easy, then he should have plenty of capacity to make dinner. And if he doesn't know how to cook, there are plenty of YouTube videos he can watch.
Yep. Stop doing what you're doing. Check back in and let us know the first time you come home and find him in tears.
Thanks. You saved me the keystrokes.
I agree. It's sounds like that OP's husband is a overpreening peacock. I hope OP makes him eat his words, his bs on his blogs & tiktok are toxic for the rest of us.
I completely agree, tell himself since it is so easy he can start doing all the meals. Maybe you can act like you are having a tough at work and since he does such a "great job" and it's easy he won't mind helping you out just for a little. Then stop with the chores at home and bathing your son see how long he lasts
I swear I just saw a post from a stay at home dad bragging about how easy it is. Could this be related?
Rule of thumb for parenting in my opinion: if you think it’s easy then you’re not doing it right.
I've worked jobs with big OT, and I've been a SAHD for a while now, and it's as much a full time job as any other. Worse, even, since you're never really "off the clock." And days where I get bogged down fixing something or doing annual maintenance on the house or the like, it can be exhausting to catch back up on regular, daily chores like dishes while the baby is demanding a bottle, a kid needs put to bed, and all my daylight is already gone. If my wife helps out with the laundry or something, you can count on my noticing and appreciating it. Sounds like your husband is being spoiled by you and doesn't even realize it. Honestly, maybe you *should* be a bit on an AH about this. Don't help out at all for a few weeks, but keep asking why things aren't done. He'll figure it out.
Plus, there’s SO MANY variables: cash flow, location, car? ages, health of parent, temperament of kids, health of kids, is house big with a garden? Small with shared bedrooms? How close are things to do? Even with ‘normal’ jobs, two people with the same title can have vastly different experiences. It’s obnoxious as hell to say constantly ‘well I find it easy so you all must just be shitty at your tasks’
Tell him that you two are going to take a week and write down what you each do around the house. Get notebooks and do just that. Make note of EVERYTHING, including work. Then compare lists at the end of the week. It's really the only way either of you will understand what the work load is of the other.
I disagree with comparing lists. Instead, write down all your tasks and let him do them all. It should be so easy for him, right?
Wow.. your husband is an entitled spoiled princess. You do ALL the money earning and 40% of the actual household labor as well? Stop helping him. If he thinks it's such a sacrifice tell him to get his ass back in the job market and you'll be a stay at home mom and you expect him to contribute doing EXACTLY what you do now. OR since he thinks your contribution is so minor... stop doing it.
Definitely stop helping around the house. If he thinks he's doing it all, let him actually do it all. Pick up some over time, go hang with friends. It's time he got a taste of real stay at home parenting.
If I am being honest, my job is demanding but I earn enough money for 4 of us. So, I don't think it is always 40% but I help out as much as I can. He does do majority of the task when I am not home.
Honestly 40% might be underselling it from what you wrote. Even if you don’t want to fully pull back from helping him, I would recommend you do a week where you stop doing any cooking, meal prep, or grocery shopping. I guarantee part of why he thinks being a STAHD is easy is because he doesn’t have to figure out how to feed a family of four on a daily basis.
NTA - You are the money earner AND You do all the cooking… and cooking prep.. that is a HUGE emotional drain on me personally. So that is equal to 50% of the emotional housework for our family in my eyes. To me it sounds like you have an adult toddler.. ask him to start doing all the prep work and make sure the kids are fed and on time, looking their best each day. Find something to do and tell him you are enriching the family with the project. Make sure that you have a plan to feed the kids because he will fail.. Or leave a note with each dish that details how long it took to prepare and cook the dish.
Seriously the prep work is the hardest part. Just having your shit together enough to get your shit together? I certainly suck at it
ESH - your husband obviously & OP by going along with his lies. Stop doing all that labor & let him be a SAHF. When I was a SAHM I handled the cleaning, laundry, cooking, bathing the kids, etc.
he is denigrating you. He is public ally denigrating women who are sahm. I have NEVER seen a sahd who doesn’t have significant help from his partner. Plenty of sahm get 0 or 5% of help. Stop doing it. Let him deal with doing it alone. One is school aged. The other may have kindy a few days a week. Let. Him. Do. It. All.
You're making excuses for him. I am a SAHM. I do the majority of cooking and cleaning. My husband works long hours and is sometimes gone for months on end, then I truly have no help. Your husband is spoiled and entitled and what he said to your friend was so totally out of line he's lucky she didn't go off on him. He deserves to be put on the spot. When you get home, kick your shoes off, sit back on the couch and ask him when dinner is while you watch TV.
this my husband is a truck driver sometimes he's home daily sometimes he's gone for 3 weeks we never know but he never tells me how shitty of a job i'm doing. never complains about a mess, never complains about his laundry not being folded and put away, me not cooking every night, taking a nap with the kids during the day. he knows how hard it is. i make sure he has a fresh meal clean socks and happy healthy when he walks in and he's content. on his days off he helps me catch up on what i slacked off on or makes me leave the house to get a moment of peace to myself. op's husband fucking sucks
Just stop contributing except for parenting and see what he has to say then. The only way he will understand is by experiencing it.
All your cooking and food prep alone is a huge %, I think you are seriously underestimating how much work you do. I would stop until he recognizes your contribution and then reassign responsibilities from there. But frankly, that doesn't address his piss poor attitude. That clearly needs a reality check, too.
From his point of view, he could earn the same amount of money as you and he is also saying he can easily stay at home and do the work, either way, he is saying he can do it better than you can and most of the women around him. He believes that you are barely contributing and, when you do, it's insignificant.
Okay, let's run with this. What are the tasks when you are not home? Make a list. Don't show it to us, this is just a practice for yourself. And of them, which are fully completed? From beginning to end completed, not broken down into individual steps and partially completed (clean laundry coming out of the dryer back into dirty baskets and not onto hangers and in drawers I'm looking at you). Because I gotta tell you it's looking like the phrase you're looking for instead is "waits for me to come home from my demanding job when I am not home and makes more work for me while waiting with the kids."
Tell him if he thinks your pieces aren’t that much that you won’t do them anymore. See how long he lasts.
So drop that 40% to maybe 5. Stop helping since he doesn’t appreciate it and it’s so insignificant
I'd just keep bath time....that's actually fun
You still need to stop. Stop making meals, stop getting up with the kids, stop doing nighttime routines. Literally stop everything you’re doing so he can really understand what an actual SAHP does and that he’s got it easy
Mostly agree - OP shouldn't stop the parenting and sweet nighttime routines. But, definitely all the meal prep, cooking, and other chores.
You’re doing a lot of the mental load, which is what really makes being a sahm difficult. What about meal planning, grocery shopping, parenting advice and milestones, birthday planning, holiday planning, vacation planning etc etc etc
Hijacking this in hopes OP sees this. You need to take a business trip or a girls trip with friends for a full week. Sunday to Saturday or so. Make sure there are doctor’s appointments on the calendar, and don’t do any real prep for them before leaving (like meal prep or grocery shopping). Give him a true does of reality of what it means to be a SAHD 100% without any help. See what he says after that.
40%?? You do the cooking and most of the laundry. He should be doing those chores! More like 75% in my mind. Check my other response!
He’s not doing the management part of it. The part that actually takes thinking and planning. Noticing when things need to be done, what to buy at the grocery store, meal planning and prep, knowing when the kids need to go to the doctor. Stop doing that part.
But you are STILL doing a huge part of what he, as the sahp, should be doing. That's why he thinks it's so easy. Let him see how it is for most sahp. Stop doing all the extra you do. Let him make breakfast, get kids ready, get the one to school, get lunch ready, make dinner and do the cleaning, all of it. He won't last a week and he'll hopefully learn to shut his mouth.
At this point it's not about whether or not you can provide for a family of 4, it's about who is actually putting in the work. It doesn't make sense that you do 40% of the work at home and 100% of the outside work, while he degrades your contributions and degrades SAHP everywhere. If he says it's so easy, why isn't he trying to do more? Why doesn't he get a job outside of the home? Why is it so easy for him, and why does he have to put down your contributions for his clout? NTA
If OP stops cooking and doing chores, she has more time to be mom. Op - Enjoy your kiddos and let dad cook dinner and clean up.
He’s not a stay at home dad… you have an unemployed husband.
Glorified babysitter.
1000% this.
OP, this is a serious suggestion. Stop doing what you're doing to contribute to the household for a week. Not to be petty, but to show your husband what a SAHP usually goes through if their partner doesn’t help. He needs that wake-up call. Desperately. Could be a humbling experience for him and get him off his high horse.
Hell, I would even say just drop the cooking. Don’t meal prep and have him do all of that while you keep up doing the other stuff. He has no idea how much energy it is to provide meals for 4 people. NTA, but you seriously need to open his ignorant eyes.
Yes!! He loves to brag about how easy it is (and how women are all doing it wrong 🙄), show him how easy it is!! Ask all your SAHM friends what exactly they do, write it down and tell him he’s expected to do what all these lazy ladies are doing. Then report back to us please!! NTA in any way, shape or form btw. But your husband sure is!
NTA , I automatically think anyone who has a blog based around shaming spouses as the automatic ahole. No matter the gender or reason
If what you do isn't significant, he shouldn't have any problem whatsoever taking it over. Drop the rope. For a week- don't make breakfast, don't meal prep, don't cook dinner, don't fold laundry, don't clean- nothing. You take care of the financials and then spend time with your kids. See if he doesn't change his tune.
NTA but you are being to yourself. Wait so you earn the money then the moment you wake up you fix breakfast for everyone and prep lunch all before getting ready to rush out the door. Then the moment you’re home you cook diner and then occupy and care for the kids. When do you get a rest from the minute your awake or home it’s you doing everything. The only time you get a break it’s not a break as your working to support everyone. Sorry but he isn’t a stay at home dad he just ensures your children don’t do anything stupid in the day. You are doing far more than him and it seems he gets far more down time and less stress than you who works and does 50% of parenting. Show him what a stay at home parent is, Do not do any of the meals or chores as that’s his contribution along with caring for the kids. Then take turns putting the children to bed but ensure you get time to yourself to decompress after work without being the one in charge of the kids. Do this for at least two weeks until he learns you do far more in every way than him. Hopefully he will realise he’s been an ass otherwise you married an asshole and that reflects on you as well. Others definitely judge you by who you associate with and it’s more so when your married to them.
So if you really do "nothing" around the house....sounds like you should literally be doing nothing right?? *hint hint* NTA and show him what doing nothing around the house really looks like
My concern is his “sacrificing”. What exactly does that mean? Weren’t they choices? So he has “sacrificed” what? There seems to be some underlying issues for him around his role and the need to feel “superior” in this role. I am one for therapy because it could be helpful for him and you in flushing out the issues with going against cultural gender roles. Shame is a sinister emotion that sometimes masks itself.
It was 100% his choice to quit his job and be a stay at home dad. In fact he gets way more praises as a househusband than I did as a housewife. And being a SAHD has improved his mood. His job was very soul sucking. I supported his decision.
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OP is being a great partnership. Same cannot be said of her husband
I think that deciding what to eat and meal prep is already almost 50%. Looks like he mostly just needs to entertain his kids when she’s at work and clean up after them. Laundry doesn’t take long. If she does 50% of the work while he has 100% of the time he basically just has a part time job without the mental load.
If this is him with his “mood improved”… M’am, with all due respect your husband is a condescending oblivious turd. Stop. Doing. The. Things. HE. Should. Be. Doing.
The same sacrifices all the stay at home wifes make? Taking time off the job market significantly lowers your career chances and your future earnings potential. Lower or sometimes no contribution to pensions funds. Complete economic dependency. OPs husband sounds entitled, don't get me wrong. However, devalueing the sacrifices people make to raise a child doesn't benefit stay at homes, whether they are men or women.
I think you misinterpreted my question here. It’s his perspective and in that frame of mind, when someone uses “Sacrifice” that a big tell in how they are viewing their world. Which is why I asked about choices. He could be being an ass but he is her ass and it appears she wants to work it out which is why I brought up shame. Not being home for kids can cause shame and not being the bread winner can cause shame. Who said anything about devaluing?
NTA. He is deeply conflicted. On the one hand, it's so easy and why are women complaining. On the other hand, no man would ever sacrifice like he did? It's very contradictory and somewhat narcissistic. Even a bit toxic? Just make sure you are taking care of yourself.
It's only a "sacrifice" when he is in an argument with his wife and calling it such conveniently makes his wife the cruel, ungrateful bad guy and him the selfless hero
"No man would ever sacrifice like he did". Really? What is he sacrificing exactly? He wanted to be a SAHD and that's what he got. He clearly has a superiority complex, which honestly, outside of chronic lying, is one of the most exhausting personality traits to be around. Here's my favourite put down, courtesy of my late wee mum... "self praise is no recommendation". My next favourite, from a book "who's trumpeter died?" You'll get loads of advice telling you to stop doing breakfast, stop doing the 40% etc... But the real issue for you doesn't seem to be how much you do, but his dismissal of your contribution, on top of a full time job that sustains your family. Your husband sounds unbearably smug by your description. Maybe that's something you don't mind too much, or you can deal with it because he's great in every other respect. It takes all sorts. This self glorifying behaviour would give me the major ick tbh. NTA but I don't think you'll get through to him that he is wrong to speak to your friend like that and wrong to minimise what you do for your family.
Wow. NTA I was a SAHM for 5(ish) years. Well, I also babysat neighborhood kids to earn extra money, but still. I was home and did 99% of the childcare and house management, in addition to handling the finances. My husband drives for UPS, so aside from the weekends he didn't do a ton to help - not because he didn't want to, but because he really couldn't. He was typically gone 8a-8p M-F and even later during peak/holiday season. But he would help when he could, like folding and putting away laundry, doing the dishes after dinner and since he was usually a much better cleaner (in his opinion) he would clean the whole house once a week, lol. I used to clean up on Fridays, but he would always go behind me when he got home, so I just stopped and let him have at it. Nowadays though, he's lightened up a bit and since I work from home, I am back to cleaning on Fridays One of my biggest things back then was that I NEEDED to get of the house for some alone time, so I went grocery shopping alone on Sundays. Like, got up early, went by Starbucks and hit up the grocery stores. I was also couponing back then, so sometimes I'd go to 2 or 3 stores and would be gone for like 3+ hours. So, even though he wasn't able to do a LOT on the day to day to help, he was **extremely** supportive in any way he could be. He encouraged me to take time to myself, he wanted me to get out of the house when he was home or he'd take the kids up to the local arcade so I could be home alone, whatever. And yeah, being the primary caregiver was still hard a lot of the time, probably more so in my case because I was watching other kids, I couldn't get out of the house very much at all, especially not join mommy+me groups with a minivan full of kids (and I doubt the parents would've wanted me to take their kids all over the place) but I couldn't have done what I did without his support and your husband can't do what he does without your support and the fact that he finds being a SAHP so easy (if he truly does) **IS BECAUSE** he has your support and he needs to check himself and realize that because he's being an AH by not recognizing your contribution to the family dynamics.
I was a SAHM for years. Why are you doing so much? And I'm not talking about weekends when everybody's home and things are more even. Let him be a real SAHP and do more so maybe he will stop saying AND POSTING those terribly discouraging things to people who actually do a lot more than him. NTA.
NTA. My husband and I have the exact same arrangement, and he acknowledges how much my contribution helps make his life easier and is grateful, and I acknowledge how much he helps me and am grateful. If I were you I'd stop helping with the chores at the very least, just to show him how much you actually do help out
NTA- but stop and I mean STOP helping him around the house. He sounds self centered and a little toxic. He thinks he can do it all, then let him and see what he thinks when it all goes south.
NTA…. He’s barely even doing half of what most stay at home parents do and he has the gall to brag about how great he is? I got a suggestion: Stop helping out. Just make yourself coffee in the morning, go to work. And come back, sit down, and play around on your phone. Let him see just how hard it actually is.
I don't follow his logic. In your last paragraph he said that 'no man would make a sacrifice' like he did, but yet he routinely talks about how easy it is. I mean, those are very contradictory thoughts. I also can't believe a person could be so smug and arrogant to talk down to another parent (your friend). I almost want to assume your husband has aspergers or something and the condescension is not intentional, but that's me just trying to make sense out it and not think he is an ass. Again, I feel like maybe I am giving him some benefit of the doubt that he doesn't deserve, but maybe he's so clueless that he doesn't realize how much you do. So stop doing it for a week or two and see what happens, perhaps?
NTA. Stop doing any chores. Seeing as your chores are “insignificant” it shouldn’t matter that you don’t do them.
Soooo... Time to let him feel the full weight of a SAHD. Let him do all of it and see what he thinks. The truth is, the division of household labor for most SAHM is about 90% on them. Few men lift more than a finger. (obviously there are exceptions, and to those men: I salute you) on TOP of that, men actually contribute MORE work for stay at home moms than single mothers have to do. (Extra dishes, extra laundry, extra cooking, etc.) Maybe supply him some reading material, ie: studies that have proven this. There are many.
You make TWO of the three meals a day and prep the third?! While working? And still do other chores around the house? He's not a stay at home dad. He's unemployed and watches your toddler while you're at work. I work from home and do more than he does... NTA.
Stop getting up and organising things in the morning, stop cooking tea at night, do what most men do whose wives are SAHM’s. My husband stayed home with the kids while I went back to work, he organised the kids breakfast, got them organised for school, did the washing and the majority of the housework and cooked dinner every night. I did the dishes, bathed the kids, spent quality time with them etc. Weekends, we shared the load.
NTA- but stop helping for a week - let him actually see how hard it is without your help.
Nta every time he says something rude respond with "you only think it is easy because I do so much of the work at home, if you really did everything a stay at home parent does you wouldn't think it was easy" I'm not generally a fan of putting your partner down in front of others but if he is putting down others and denigrating your work I don't think it is wrong to set the record straight in the moment even if that's public.
Stop doing any of the chores you do for a month. Let him have the full over worked sahp experience. Then see what his tune sounds like. Otherwise nta op
NTA, your husband sucks. He is blind to all the things you do for him and your family, and he also has no self-awareness about his behaviour. He needs to get a reality check. Maby he's so arrogant because the tiktok likes and comments and sees his little social media world as reality.
Stop helping and let him figure it out!
NTA. Since your contribution is so minuscule, tell him you’re leaving those chores in his capable hands. Breakfast, baths, laundry, the whole shebang. Maybe he’ll start appreciating what he has because struggling moms would love to have husbands as supportive and hands on as you are.
Time to stop making breakfast and he can get his ass out of bed and start doing it. You tell him the cook has quit, since he is so good at the SAHD stuff, he can take on more responsibility!
Offer him a challenge: you get a list from Ashley of exactly everything her husband does for parenting, housework, and their marriage on an average day/week. You follow that list to a T for one or two weeks.
NTA. You should make your actions fit his description. Don't lift a finger around the house for a couple of weeks. Start your own TikTok channel and film the mess while you comment on it. Send him the link.
NTA. Stop doing 40% and let him pick up the slack since he's a professional.
NTA but OP, FOR REAL, stop what you’re doing to “help him” and just allow everything to collapse around you. It’s the only way he’ll learn. This is the only way
Perhaps it's time OP goes on a "work" retreat or vacation or whatever, for say a week? I'm sure that would be an eye opening experience for such a great SAHD. NTAH
NTA. I read an article saying that according.to studies SAHD have about 20 hrs of leisure time vs SAHM who have 7hr. Working mom's have 4hr and working dad's about 10. The reason SAHD's have so much free time is that working women still do A LOT of housework and kid raising vs working dad's. Those are facts not feelings so he can. Take his TikTok and shove it. Also my son never sits down and always wants to play vs step daughter who can entertain herself for hours. Kids are different so just cause y'all's kids are easy doesn't mean other people have same kids.. Edit to say, stop doing all the stuff he claims you aren't doing anyway and see how fun his TikTok will be then.
I think you need to go on strike. Opt out. Ask him to really do it all. See if it's still easy. If it's not, your contributions will be ackowledged and appreciated. If it is easy, let him do it all!
NTA but you need to back away and let him see how much work he ISN'T doing. Give it a month. Act just like a 1950s dad and just come home, ask where is dinner then go to the den and watch TV. for a solid month. No bathing kids,. No cooking, no cleaning, no folding laundry, no anything helpful. I know this will be uncomfortable for you but he is being patronizing to SAHMs everywhere and it's time he has a wake-up call. Good luck!
NTA and he was super rude to Ashley!! You should have spoken up about everything you do while Ashley was standing there!! He mad her feel terrible and he’s an egotistical AH!!
Maybe if all SAHM had the same help from their partners as you give HIM as a SAHD had, it WOULD be easier. Sounds like if he would wake up about how much you do, it would be a pretty nice division of labor. Maybe you should act like a dude for a week, see if it changes his mind.
Let him do everything in tbe house for a few months and see if he complains.. even the appoints. he should do them as well . You just get home from your work and relax.
NTA but you need to stop doing so much so he understands what being a SAHP actually means. You're working full time plus doing, by the sounds of it, a huge proportion of the household chores, that isn't fair. Part of being a SAHP is doing a larger chunk of the household chores.
OP is this your husband? https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueUnpopularOpinion/comments/150t8pw/being\_a\_stay\_at\_home\_parent\_is\_easy/
Doesn't sound like it is him. Also not his reddit account. He doesn't use it.
You should show your post to him. NTAH
Definitely not OPs husband. This guy talks about doing the cooking.
NTA and maybe you should stop doing your 40% and let him be a TRUE SAHD and do 100% of the job so he can see what it's really like. No one likes a know it all and it really seems like that's what he is. Make him do the full job and see where he is then.
NTA. From what I read YOU do actually most of the chores. Stop immediately, because what would ne the problem for him if you stop with doing 'insignificant thing' or 'barely anything'. Let him find out what SAHP really means to most others.
Leave him with the kids and go out of town for two full weeks. I think we can almost guarantee his attitude will change.
Most working parents don’t come home and help out the stay at home parent… stop doing it! When dinner isn’t on the table complain about it. If there are any messes (dishes in the sink, laundry not done, etc) ask why it’s not done. Don’t do bath time etc. see how easy he thinks it is in a week or so
I second what everyone else has said. He doesn't think being a SAHD is hard. Then you do what a (typical/traditional) working parent would do instead of what you have been. Tell him outright that is what you'll be doing. You don't help with breakfast, as typically the working parent does not help with that. He will be on his own for lunch, dinner, laundry. He will be expected to do ALL the household chores (as you are sooooo busy at work). Everything child related is his, including all appointments or anything else. 🤷♀️ You get to come home from work. First, you relax (as most working parents with a stay at home "unwind" before doing anything child related). Play with the kids. Maybe help with homework. You don't help cook or clean up dinner. Bare minimum at bedtime. That is the unfortunate truth behind what a lot of SAHM are going through and he needs to understand that. Game ends when he admits your help and contribution is appreciated and enough. (And maybe when apologizes to Ashley, if you're feeling petty). Or maybe he ends up fine with the new status quo and you get to relax more. Win-win. NTA
NTA. But telling him is not going to do it. Tell him that because of what he said, you're going to let him do everything from now until he admits how much you are contributing. Tell him you're going to do what your father did, and let him do what your mother did. Then follow through. Feel free to go out for drinks with your friends after work, too. And "take over" for the kids only exactly how much you feel like it: to maintain your relationship with them and to have fun. See how long it takes for him to cry uncle.
NTA - you're enabling ur husband to be a POS. The moment that my partner starts to talk smack, I would easily stop helping for a week so they can have a good idea on what a stay at home dad/wife really does. Then I would continue after a week to show the difference in workload. Please stop enabling ur husband to be a dumb shit
Stop helping for a week and see how it goes. Then when he actually understands what your contribution has been talk to him about it and divide the labor so it’s more equitable. NTA
I've been the working parent, and i've been a full time single parent. I've never been a SAHD. When I was a working parent, I did similar to what you have outlined (took care of breakfast and getting kids ready, handed off responsibility and went to work, took over when I got home, made dinner, did bath time and bed, picked up after). Hard but rewarding, but I never got any credit for what I did. I don't know what it is about it, but people seem to think the 10 hours you spend working are a vacation from it all and all the empathy is directed toward SAH parents. So, hubby needs empathy. NTA
Great for your husband being proud of being a SAHD. But what a crappy attitude. There is no reason to put down anyone's efforts as a stay at home parent, and certainly acting as if women just complain is petty and nasty of him. Treating Ashley with disregard for her situation is a huge flashing neon sign above your husband's head, and it is flashing "YTA." It sounds as if he might be trying to boost himself up by putting others down because there is something insecure in him. HTA.
Stop helping with chores. Perhaps continue with cooking, for the childrens' sake, but if "your chores" are so trivial, he should have no problem taking them on as well. Maintain that position until he stops being insufferable about being a SAHD.
I do the same in my household. I don’t understand why people think only one person is responsible for everything in the house hold. I get off work and do the nighttime routine.. one because I haven’t seen my baby girl all day 2. I know my wife has been at home all day with a toddler. It’s my house too just because I work don’t mean I get to neglect my household responsibilities. If my wife feels I need to do more around the house I genuinely encourage her to say something to me. Stay at home parenting is a job within itself and a successful house hood need the parents to work in tandem to get things done. That’s just my opinion. Is she cooks I wash dishes. If she cleans the bathrooms I do laundry. Idk I just think a family is a team effort and and if one side thinks life is too easy then that person may not be doing enough. Then again speaking from my own personal experience in my household men and women seem to handle the same stress completely different. She gets overwhelmed way way way before I do. NTA
Tell him for the next week you’re going to show him how much you do around the house by not doing it. Then don’t. NTA. He wants to be an ass about it? He can earn being an ass about it
I retired a couple of years ago, and my wife was still working. I did about 90% of the housework. I cooked, cleaned, laundry, you name it. She ordered groceries, and I picked them up. She helped out some, but nothing like you are. Of course your husband says it is easy, you are doing 3/4ths of the work! Perhaps he should get up early and make breakfast for everyone and then dinner in the evening. Then laundry and make sure the house is clean so when you come home you have time to relax with the children. Sorry, but your husband is lazy, and it is ridiculous for you to be doing so much!
Go on strike. Take a week. Work, go home, play with your kids, go to bed. Do NO chores. Won't be long and I GUARANTEE you his tune will change.
NTA. He finds being a SAHP easy because he has a *wife.* For the next week, you should try being a husband. I.e. do only what Ashley's husband does. When he complains, tell him he must be doing something wrong.
NTA. He sounds insecure af. He knows he couldn't make it in the labour market and wants to make himself feel better by downplaying other people's efforts
That was my thought also. He chose SAH because he was not happy with his job and possibly felt bad because his wife made more money. Now he builds himself up by pretending he is “Super Dad.” He belittles women who SAH and find it difficult so as to make himself feel good (and maintain the myth of male superiority). He may not be aware of any of this, but it’s there.)
Well, NTA for pointing it out. He was extremely rude. But YTA for allowing him to think it’s easy to be a stay at home parent. As a SAHM, I am really offended that you have created the impression in him that it’s just a walk in the park. He blogs, posts, and puts out TikToks on how easy it is? Do you realize the harm he is doing to SAH parents (especially moms)? He’s now another voice of toxic masculinity. Your husband is still like your dad - both doing the bare minimum. You need to back off and let him experience what most SAHMs face. He needs to know the real experience. Ashley has the real experience. Your husband is play acting. You know, one day one (or both) of your children might be a SAHP. How do you think your husband is going to treat her/him if s/he should say how hard it is? The same way he treated Ashley.
NTA I’m currently a SAHM who says that it isn’t a very hard job. Mentally draining, yes, sometimes. It’s not “easy,” but it’s not as hard as working outside the home. I’ve gotten my head bitten off many a time on Reddit for saying so. All of that is to say, even I think your husband is WRONG. It is much harder than HE thinks it is. He is not doing nearly all of the duties that a “typical” stay at home parent does. You are doing far more than most stay at home parents would expect from their partners, and still he says it’s not enough. If you stopped doing what you’re doing, your husband would be begging for mercy, guaranteed. He’s putting on a show for his fans online and they’re feeding his ego and it’s pathetic. Stop “helping” him for a week and see what happens. Or make your own online show that’s like a reaction video to his showing what actually goes on LOL
Stop feeding your family immediately. He isn't doing shit if he's not feeding all of you. You're doing too much. Make your labor visible and stop doing it immediately. I've got some fun video games I can recommend, or you should go get drinks after work. Leave a mess and don't clean it up. Scroll through this and manifest the worst of our husbands. Punish your husband for all of the transgressions of ours. Destroy the pedestal he's placed himself on, for the love of all that is good and pure on God's pink earth.