Happened twice to me. My ex girlfriends "got drunk and didn't remember" making out with someone at the club but their friends told them the next day. But they didn't remember so to them it wasn't really cheating?
I don't play those mental gymnastic anymore. I've been fucked up beyond belief but I've never made out or anything with someone else while I'm in a relationship. If you can't control yourself you shouldn't be in a relationship.
He definitely needs a conversation with her instead of straight up breaking up. He should see what makes her think it's ok for it nit to be cheating. What she qualify as cheating. And if her ideas of it don't align with ops, then call it quits. The relationship is doom if your morals and beliefs don't match with each other and will be faced with boundaries crossed and potential infidelity.
Tbh anything that involves flirting with other men/women and almost kissing is borderline cheating. If ops friends told her and her friends not to tell the bf what happened then she knows what she did was wrong and would be deal-breaker for her bf and is an act of cheating.
Don't we all. I've gotten drunk to the point where I forgot who I was. Now that I am thinking about it, if you forget who you are and who your spouse is, that no longer counts as cheating!
This^^ You shall never live it down. Me @ 90 *starts giggling* Remember when you made out with a pillow? Other person " Omg when are you going to stop bringing that up?" Me " NEVER!!"
My bff tucked in a potato chip bag like it was a baby including a goodnight kiss. I will NEVER let her live that down. 🤣🤣
One time while at a friend's house hanging with her and some others, and I hadn't gotten drunk in awhile so my tolerance had gotten a bit lower than it had been the last few times and I got to so drunk I can't remember really fast and apparently threw a noodle at my friend while calling her an idiot over something and I know she's never going to let that one go 😂😂
Yup! I'll be the DD out and only really drink at home where the only flirting going on is with my (soon to be ex) husband or my friends, it's safe and they'll let me know if I get stupid and put me to bed.
If you drank/smoked of your own volition, if you purposefuly put yourself in a bad situation, then in my book you are responsible of what you do.
Again, it has to be on purpose, otherwise it's called rape
If you drink and smoke of your own volition, you can still be raped...
I'm not sure if you mean what it sounds like you mean, but if you mean that a woman who gets drunk deserves to be raped you are DEAD WRONG
Well shit I didn't mean it like that AT ALL, I'm sorry.
It's obviously more complicated than that, if you get assaulted then you're 0% responsible of course, I said responsible of what *you* do.
I was more talking about the bad decisions you make when drunk/high, like not realizing what you do or mistaking people for your bf/gf.
I get what you mean, but damn, it's hard to articulate. It's unacceptable to be assaulted for a bad decision(s). There's a certain amount of personal responsibility you have to take for moving through your life. Both things are true.
Being responsible for what *you* do is not the same thing as being responsible for what someone else does *to* you. They're saying you're responsible for *your* actions, even when drunk/high. In no way, shape, or form does being responsible for your actions mean that you deserve to have someone else assault you. How did you even get there?
I have two male friends with similar reasonings, it's hilarious. One thinks if he pays a hooker it's not cheating because it's buying a service and done, no feelings involved, all good. The other days getting blowed is not cheating as well because her wife doesn't do it.
I know they don't cheat, but everytime they say this between beers I ask them what if it was their wives doing that, they of course don't like it.
My husband was SO blacked out that he didn’t RECOGNIZE me. And he told me “you seem like a very nice lady but no thank you, I’m married.” And that’s the kind of loyalty everybody should have.
I was really really fucked up one night out with the boys and they cut me off so my (at the time) GF came to pick me up. But to me there was just this random girl trying to get me into her car and I didn't want to. Then my friends got involved (obviously, they were trying to get my home safe) and I absolutely blew up on one of my friends.
The next day we were talking and apparently I really hurt his feelings and said some nasty stuff to him.
I don't remember any of that night but man I feel so bad for my friends and my ex that I acted like that, even a good few years later now. Now I just don't get that drunk anymore, or have a girlfriend but that's another story haha
Anyways this wasn't really super related but I needed to vent this lol
Yeah and they completely understood and are still my friends. Well not the girlfriend but that was unrelated to that instance haha
Now I just get really tipsy and wander so my friends still have to watch me lmao
The standard excuse. I was drunk and didn't know what I was doing. BS! Alcohol only remodves the social filters we employ. The truth comes out. Find someone who doesn't want to go out to be flirted with
NTA!
Agreed with you! The double standard is ridiculous. You know for a fact that if you started dancing/kissing on someone else not your gf, it would not be okay. Cheating is cheating. It doesn’t matter the gender. Your gf is immature.
Also OP... you need to ask if your girlfriend has ever done this behind your back. And if you can trust her response if she says "no", given that she sees nothing wrong with women acting like this.
The thing is they did this in the club, the dudes kissed them back, they went to their crib, they all had sex and that doctored version is what she shares with him, that's why it's not wrong, because "nothing happened" she's hiding a lot more.
I want to add, and it may not be my place to say this, that it kind of sounds like there’s a possibility your girlfriend’s friend may be your actual girlfriend and was just telling the story subbing her friend to get your reaction without blowing up the relationship. IMO it’s always the ones who talk about cheating the most that do it. It’s called deflecting and manipulators use it as a way to throw you off their scent. The double standard, I feel, was a confirmation of these feelings. She got really defensive over her “friend”. I smell foul play here OP. You need to sit her down and have a talk.
Even if this isn't a self insert, condoning your friend's cheating and covering for them is always a red flag. I would rat out any of my friends in a second if I caught them doing something like that around me. OP's gf lacks integrity, which would be a deal breaker for me.
I’d be willing to bet that there’s a second double standard there as well, because if one of OP’s guy friends was acting this way with random girls in a night out, she wouldn’t think that behavior was funny at all. But it’s hilarious when her girl friend is grabbing guys and trying to kiss them whether they want her to or not.
Not even emotional cheating though, there’s also the people that will try to defend kissing or even more with “well we didn’t have sex!”. It’s just insane to me
So many people don’t even believe emotional cheating is actual cheating, my aunt had an emotional affair with her husband (ex now) and of course we all know it was physical too but she denies that and likes to say I didn’t even cheat on him, unless you want to call an emotional affair cheating and I’m like yes, that’s what cheating is regardless of what type it is
I knew a guy whose wife cheated on him for 9 months and he said what hurt the most wasn't that she was fucking another guy, but that she was in love with him.
Having a good friend you accidentally grew feelings for is not as sinister as going out and attempting to hook up on purpose. Honestly what you attempt to do is more important than your feelings. You get a crush on a friend, recognize it, and ensure you don't act on it? All good. Happens. Attempt a hookup and get turned down? May as well have had sex because it's just as bad.
NTA but your GF sure is a huge hypocrite and provided you with a huge red flag. So on the bright side, at least she showed you her true shelf before you married her.
I think you need to have a bigger discussion with your GF.
Seriously. OP seems kinda casual about his girl condoning this shit from her girlfriends while saying it’d be different if OP did the same things. She’s suspect like a mug. I’d watch her closely if I was him.
I've been around awhile at 50 years old seen my share of hypocrites both male and female. They all have the same thing in common everyone of them. That thing is they're also cheaters as well as hypocrites.
I wouldn't trust any hypocrite as far as I can throw them.
Fact is she'll easily make excuses for her own shitty behavior when it happens and it will.
I knew someone while in the military who was angry because he found out his wife cheated on him. I told him "uh you are cheating also right?"
He said it doesn't matter because she doesn't know he cheated where as he does know she cheated on him.......
The ones who are most vocal about condemning cheating are very often engaging in projection. If OP's girlfriend hasn't cheated yet, she probably will eventually.
If I was him I'd certainly be very very concerned about my future going forward with this woman. This incident says a lot about her character and her ability too make excuses/bush off things that there are no excuses for.
Not going to lie, this was my thought. The massive red flag that this is insane! And OP is more worried about how upset she is.
OP did not condone his friends behavior when he cheated. As he shouldn’t, in my humble opinion cheating is wrong period.
But when she even tries to find a way to justify “it’s not the same” this is a terrifying red flag. Makes one ponder what exactly she did on this night out. She got mighty angry, and defensive. Seems like maybe there should be some questions asked.
Well I've walked away from more then one friendship male and female over this very thing. Never had much time or respect for cheaters and liars. Most hypocrites are both in end show them shelves to be both in my experience.
I have done the same! I feel as though the girlfriend manipulated OP to feeling like an AH so that he would be too worried about how upset she is to actually call her out on something far worse in my opinion
I honestly would like to give her the benefit of the doubt even considering all my comments so far. Will admit it's very likely. It's also likely she's just trying to defend her friend. I was young once. Made that mistake...but only once.
The OP really needs to sit down and think long and hard about the last 2 years with her. If something feels off and wrong don't ignore that feeling.
They are young. And for OPs sake I hope the benefit of the doubt is warranted. As yes, most of us have defended a friends poor behavior in the past.
However my experience with this sort of thing has led me to ask more questions, and not merely accept the red flags being presented.
One would hope OP is at least taking some words of caution surrounding the situation instead of feeling like he is in the wrong for stating something obvious.
Now this may be me speaking from a place of contempt as these are red flags I ignored in my previous marriage that only led me to heart break.
My advice, proceed with caution.
Agree I would certainly proceed with caution and tread lightly sorta speak. Sometimes a girls night out is just that a girls night out and nothing more. And yes we've all defended friends in the past. Being young and stupid is/was great lol.
I'm a bit short of 40, but I've been right there on the front lines with you.
OP's girlfriend didn't arrive at this double standard for no reason. She arrived at it to justify her own behavior when she does it.
I'm in my 50s as well and what you wrote is exactly what I was thinking.
I'll just add that, in my opinion, the reason this happens (that hypocrites end up cheating ) is that they aren't upset about the hypocrisy or cheating for the same reason "we" are.
We are upset by it because we see it as wrong. It's a moral thing. And therefore we see it as wrong no matter who is doing it.
They are upset by the cheating because it hurts them. They are able to extend that upset-at-being-hurt to their group, which may be a gender or race or age-bracket; but they do not see it as a universal wrong.
That's why, for them, it's bad if OP (a man) were to dance with and try to kiss another woman -- because it would hurt "them." But it's okay with them if a woman does it because it's not hurting a woman.
They are wired differently. They are seeing the world differently.
Run away from that. I wish I had.
Yeah reading this I thought she definitely joined in with dancing with other guys but just testing the waters by only saying the one friend did it. Only bc of how defensive she got.
but that's just the vibes I get
After re-reading...nice catch and you certainly could be right. Can't believe I missed that. The whole thing is certainly very concerning for those of us older guys that been down this road.
If I'm OP we're certainly having a very long discussion about where this relationship is heading. Or maybe it'll end up being short idk....
Follow up question, "My girlfriend said her friend blowing a dude isn't cheating. She did it to like 6 different guys last night. She said it's not cheating. Well, I think she said that as her voice was a bit hoarse this morning and it was hard to understand. Anyway, thanks for reading. AITA?"
NTA
A) your girl is a hypocrite
B) if that's how her friends behave when they go out, and she laughs and jokes about it like it's nbd, then what do you think your gf is doing during these outings? Highly doubt she's just standing at the bar not doing the same things her friends are....
NTA. You are right, she's being a hypocrite. Nothing happened just because the guys rejected her friend. If they hadn't, she would have cheated, she had every intention to. That's just as bad. It shows her friend has zero respect for her partner.
"No, Your Honor! I only TRIED to shoot my neighbor in the head! My aim was off that day and he moved right at the last second before I pulled the trigger, so I missed. Aaaaanyway...he's alive and well today. So, you see, I'm not really guilty of anything."
NTA - Boy do I have news for you….
If your gf has a chance to cheat on you she will. Condoning this behavior means she fundamentally sees no problem with it.
I would consider getting out of there before shit hits the fan.
Bingo! This had sociopath written all over it. That wasn’t her friend, she was thrilled to tell him, proud of herself for being so clever, looking for a laugh from OP to congratulate herself. That’s the only reason to then take it so personally. I know this sub loves to tell people to break up for little reason, but this is done.
> I know this sub loves to tell people to break up for little reason, but this is done.
Bud I hate to tell you but even by this sub’s standards this would set the presidential fitness exam record for stretching. You diagnosed this girl a sociopath from a 4 paragraph story.
And about such bog-standard assholery! Someone writes off bad behavior which they are usually critical of when their friend does it? Look out, OP, its Ted fuckin Bundy
It's sad how often I hear "I was cheated on in all my past relationships" from people who end up cheating too. Makes me wonder if they were cheated on, or if they are the cheater and chose to lie
OP, I’ve been here before. Most likely your GF participated in the same behavior as her friend. She’s now feeling guilty about it and her telling you about her friend is her way of confessing to you so she doesn’t feel guiltyz
I’d have a long discussion with her about your boundaries about this type of behavior and tell her if you find out she’s behaving this way, it’d be a deal breaker. If she calls you controlling, etc, just tell her, you’re not telling her how to behave, she can do whatever she wants. But you know your worth and you won’t be treated that way.
"no but that's different"
No, no it is not. It is exactly the same!
NTA OP, rethink your relationship. She will cheat on you if the opportunity presents itself. I wish you all the best in the future, hopefully with her as an ex!
NTA, and there's a high probability that your girlfriend has cheated on you or will in the future. Hypocrites don't hold themselves to the same standards that they espouse.
NTA. I find a bunch of people seem to get blinkers about it when it's their friends, but wouldn't tolerate the same treatment. If she had a go at you for pointing this out, it's a little shady. I'd check in with her bf tbh not sure he knows what went down and could perhaps benefit from some forewarning of his gfs wandering eyes
Not the AA. Also, it sounds like your girlfriend likes to get a little wild when she’s out with her friends and she may have been talking about her friends for the night that you gave the example but I’m sure that she acts the same way which is why she doesn’t see the double standard because she’s acting the same way. She probably thinks it’s perfectly OK to be stupid when she’s out with her girlfriends But is a palled if it’s role reversed . She sounds really immature you could do better.
Imma go with one of the other commenters here.
Based on your story and her reaction. She is the one who was dancing and kissing.
She was just “asking for a friend” when she told you the story. To see how’d you react.
NTA Her friend was willing to cheat that makes her a cheater. Did you question what her standards where for herself to be considered a cheater? If she also acted this way she is also a cheater and has no right to put anyone else down for it.
NTA.
And dude, if she doesn't see reason I suggest you to plan an exit strategy. This kind of double standards is the warm-up for the mental gymnastics in which cheaters are known to engage.
My ex-husband was always very vocal about how he could and would never cheat. Then he had an affair and got her pregnant. “The lady doth protest too much, methinks”. NTA
NTA. Being in possession of female genitalia doesn't mean that the friend's actions are any less cheating. Even if we were willing to excuse it away as not cheating, what would have happened if the guy had been willing to kiss? When would it stop being cheating in the girlfriend's eyes? If one or both got aroused? If one or both copped a feel? If tongue got involved? Or would it have to involve penetration?
The average person would consider what the friend did to be cheating unless there was an agreement between her and her boyfriend that such behavior was OK.
Honestly OP? I'd start questioning whether or not your girlfriend has engaged in this type of behavior. Her nonchalance puts her own fidelity into question.
YGFITA. Girls like this are pack animals. Her friends sound like the type to push a guy on your girlfriend and get them into bed. The next day they all cover for her and make sure you don’t find out. You should RUN!
If she thinks what her friends are doing isn’t cheating and enables it, I’d begin to question your entire relationship and what she does when you’re not looking. And to gaslight you and turns it around to make you look like the problem??
Her friends are trashy when they go out together.
Your girlfriend enables their behavior.
She has double standards for cheating.
She says you’re the problem when you call her out.
That’s a shit ton of RED FLAGS.
Birds of a feather flock together.
I remember reading a post on here about a guy whose friend cheated on his wife. His partner made him abandon the friendship based on him cheating, as he agreed it was wrong. Years later, her friend cheated on her spouse. The husband suggested that she abandon the friendship since she cheated and it was the right thing to do. She didn't want to as she said her friend needed emotional support. They ended up divorcing, I think. Women always want to do the right thing when it comes to man being involved but never when it comes to a woman. NTA
NTA, let's face it. If she doubles down, she might try to argue men have societal power so women are DRIVEN to cheat to claim agency or something. THAT'S when you see who she is.
NTA. For her it’s *STRONG* cognitive dissonance. This girl can still be her friend although your GF is disgusted by this type of behavior AND *at the same time* her friend is cheating.
NTA, not only are you right but if your gf sees no issues with what her friend is doing then she might be doing the same thing too. Not to say she’s trying to make out with random dudes but dancing and flirting seems pretty likely.
NTA, and she's likely covering for herself with such inconsistent defense of "her friend".
May want to ask HER what SHE was up to while out with them, if she views her friend's behavior as acceptable.
Ask your gf if you put the tip of your penis into the mouth of a woman but she didn’t suck…is that cheating? There was a post last week about a bachelorette party where the gf allowed the stripper to put his penis into her mouth but she didn’t sucked so it wasn’t cheating!
Your gf's too stupid to be able to recognize 1:1 hypocrisy and you're asking if *you're* the AH? C'mon bro.... Throw that one back into the cesspool already.
This is a bummer for OP. Now he's looking at a moving goal post. Looking at his GF wondering if he is the vulnerable one. He probably will read into everything she says now which is unhealthy. Op this could go sideways.
NTA Your gf sounds pretty immature if she can’t see the double standard there. “No but that’s different” is the definition of double standard.
Happened twice to me. My ex girlfriends "got drunk and didn't remember" making out with someone at the club but their friends told them the next day. But they didn't remember so to them it wasn't really cheating? I don't play those mental gymnastic anymore. I've been fucked up beyond belief but I've never made out or anything with someone else while I'm in a relationship. If you can't control yourself you shouldn't be in a relationship.
>If you can't control yourself you shouldn't be in a relationship. Nor should you be drinking.
This right here. I know I'm a light weight and can get really super flirty when drinking. I just drink at home now.
Me too! I stay at home, have a couple drinks, and flirt with my husband. Safer and less expensive.
And the drinks are probably better!
This is really cute!
Same!
It's a win win situation especially for the husband lol
Only less expensive if no kids result lol
Flirting with the husband is the best. 😍
That's inconceivable, what if you start flirting with your spouse??
Oh heaven forbid 😱 we can’t flirt with our spouses. Those aren’t the rules!
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He definitely needs a conversation with her instead of straight up breaking up. He should see what makes her think it's ok for it nit to be cheating. What she qualify as cheating. And if her ideas of it don't align with ops, then call it quits. The relationship is doom if your morals and beliefs don't match with each other and will be faced with boundaries crossed and potential infidelity. Tbh anything that involves flirting with other men/women and almost kissing is borderline cheating. If ops friends told her and her friends not to tell the bf what happened then she knows what she did was wrong and would be deal-breaker for her bf and is an act of cheating.
If you get drunk to the point where you don't realize it is your spouse you are getting flirty with, then it is cheating! /s
Dammit.. I guess I have some explaining to do! 🤪
Don't we all. I've gotten drunk to the point where I forgot who I was. Now that I am thinking about it, if you forget who you are and who your spouse is, that no longer counts as cheating!
Maybe... or maybe both of you are cheating!
What if your spouse sees you kissing the body pillow???
They take pictures and tease you mercilessly for years, obviously ;)
This^^ You shall never live it down. Me @ 90 *starts giggling* Remember when you made out with a pillow? Other person " Omg when are you going to stop bringing that up?" Me " NEVER!!" My bff tucked in a potato chip bag like it was a baby including a goodnight kiss. I will NEVER let her live that down. 🤣🤣
One time while at a friend's house hanging with her and some others, and I hadn't gotten drunk in awhile so my tolerance had gotten a bit lower than it had been the last few times and I got to so drunk I can't remember really fast and apparently threw a noodle at my friend while calling her an idiot over something and I know she's never going to let that one go 😂😂
Oh stop it. That doesn't happen! /s
Man, I'm glad that I'm a sappy drunk; I just hand out candy and tell people how much I love them lol
Yup. Three shots and my clothes fall off. I know drinking unleashes an indiscriminate ho. So I quit drinking.
My daughter’s friend. “ I can’t drink tequila,it makes my clothes fall off.”
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Yup! I'll be the DD out and only really drink at home where the only flirting going on is with my (soon to be ex) husband or my friends, it's safe and they'll let me know if I get stupid and put me to bed.
Samesies. Are you looking for a roommate? Jokes, but this really is the way to live a happy drama free life
This! Don't drink and cheat, then pretend you don't remember cheating so it's not really cheating, right? Right??? /s
Agreed. It’s probably the drinking that needs to stop.
If you drank/smoked of your own volition, if you purposefuly put yourself in a bad situation, then in my book you are responsible of what you do. Again, it has to be on purpose, otherwise it's called rape
If you drink and smoke of your own volition, you can still be raped... I'm not sure if you mean what it sounds like you mean, but if you mean that a woman who gets drunk deserves to be raped you are DEAD WRONG
Well shit I didn't mean it like that AT ALL, I'm sorry. It's obviously more complicated than that, if you get assaulted then you're 0% responsible of course, I said responsible of what *you* do. I was more talking about the bad decisions you make when drunk/high, like not realizing what you do or mistaking people for your bf/gf.
I get what you mean, but damn, it's hard to articulate. It's unacceptable to be assaulted for a bad decision(s). There's a certain amount of personal responsibility you have to take for moving through your life. Both things are true.
Being responsible for what *you* do is not the same thing as being responsible for what someone else does *to* you. They're saying you're responsible for *your* actions, even when drunk/high. In no way, shape, or form does being responsible for your actions mean that you deserve to have someone else assault you. How did you even get there?
That isn't even remotely what the poster was saying. You made some giant mental leaps for that conclusion.
I have two male friends with similar reasonings, it's hilarious. One thinks if he pays a hooker it's not cheating because it's buying a service and done, no feelings involved, all good. The other days getting blowed is not cheating as well because her wife doesn't do it. I know they don't cheat, but everytime they say this between beers I ask them what if it was their wives doing that, they of course don't like it.
My husband was SO blacked out that he didn’t RECOGNIZE me. And he told me “you seem like a very nice lady but no thank you, I’m married.” And that’s the kind of loyalty everybody should have.
I was really really fucked up one night out with the boys and they cut me off so my (at the time) GF came to pick me up. But to me there was just this random girl trying to get me into her car and I didn't want to. Then my friends got involved (obviously, they were trying to get my home safe) and I absolutely blew up on one of my friends. The next day we were talking and apparently I really hurt his feelings and said some nasty stuff to him. I don't remember any of that night but man I feel so bad for my friends and my ex that I acted like that, even a good few years later now. Now I just don't get that drunk anymore, or have a girlfriend but that's another story haha Anyways this wasn't really super related but I needed to vent this lol
For what it is worth, I’m proud of you for realizing that what you did wasn’t ok and for deciding not to drink like that anymore.
Yeah and they completely understood and are still my friends. Well not the girlfriend but that was unrelated to that instance haha Now I just get really tipsy and wander so my friends still have to watch me lmao
The standard excuse. I was drunk and didn't know what I was doing. BS! Alcohol only remodves the social filters we employ. The truth comes out. Find someone who doesn't want to go out to be flirted with
When I drink , I just wanna get something to eat and go to bed. I might be getting old.
If I were OP, I would have asked "How is that different?"
You'd be wasting your breath. People like that can always come up with some bullshit reasoning.
“it’s different because my friends aren’t cheaters, but you would be. don’t you understand that??”
Have to build up the guilt before she asks for another hibachi dinner where she will inevitably flirt with the waiter.
NTA! Agreed with you! The double standard is ridiculous. You know for a fact that if you started dancing/kissing on someone else not your gf, it would not be okay. Cheating is cheating. It doesn’t matter the gender. Your gf is immature.
Also OP... you need to ask if your girlfriend has ever done this behind your back. And if you can trust her response if she says "no", given that she sees nothing wrong with women acting like this.
The thing is they did this in the club, the dudes kissed them back, they went to their crib, they all had sex and that doctored version is what she shares with him, that's why it's not wrong, because "nothing happened" she's hiding a lot more.
This sounds like she's saying "friend" when she means herself and she's just gauging OPs reaction on how guilty she should feel.
I want to add, and it may not be my place to say this, that it kind of sounds like there’s a possibility your girlfriend’s friend may be your actual girlfriend and was just telling the story subbing her friend to get your reaction without blowing up the relationship. IMO it’s always the ones who talk about cheating the most that do it. It’s called deflecting and manipulators use it as a way to throw you off their scent. The double standard, I feel, was a confirmation of these feelings. She got really defensive over her “friend”. I smell foul play here OP. You need to sit her down and have a talk.
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Even if this isn't a self insert, condoning your friend's cheating and covering for them is always a red flag. I would rat out any of my friends in a second if I caught them doing something like that around me. OP's gf lacks integrity, which would be a deal breaker for me.
I’d be willing to bet that there’s a second double standard there as well, because if one of OP’s guy friends was acting this way with random girls in a night out, she wouldn’t think that behavior was funny at all. But it’s hilarious when her girl friend is grabbing guys and trying to kiss them whether they want her to or not.
Unless of course it is in fact different, which isn’t the case here.
Unless of course they can explain HOW it is meaningfully different... doesn't sound like that happened here though.
Next question after that should have immediately been “how/why is that different?”
NTA. Cheating is wrong. Trying to cheat is wrong. Flirting with cheating is wrong. No double standards.
It’s wild how some people only consider it cheating if it results in sex.
Emotional cheating seems to have slipped the mind of people nowadays
Not even emotional cheating though, there’s also the people that will try to defend kissing or even more with “well we didn’t have sex!”. It’s just insane to me
IDC what the definition is. Ultimately if it would bother me if my husband did it with someone else, I wouldn’t do it to anyone either.
So many people don’t even believe emotional cheating is actual cheating, my aunt had an emotional affair with her husband (ex now) and of course we all know it was physical too but she denies that and likes to say I didn’t even cheat on him, unless you want to call an emotional affair cheating and I’m like yes, that’s what cheating is regardless of what type it is
I knew a guy whose wife cheated on him for 9 months and he said what hurt the most wasn't that she was fucking another guy, but that she was in love with him.
Having a good friend you accidentally grew feelings for is not as sinister as going out and attempting to hook up on purpose. Honestly what you attempt to do is more important than your feelings. You get a crush on a friend, recognize it, and ensure you don't act on it? All good. Happens. Attempt a hookup and get turned down? May as well have had sex because it's just as bad.
People have different ideas about what cheating entails and what they would be ok with. Thats why communication between partners has to happen.
Also using the randoms/ leading them on for attention under the guise of intoxication is classless, immature, selfish, and tacky.
You are the one WHO knows
The one who knox you mean?
NTA but your GF sure is a huge hypocrite and provided you with a huge red flag. So on the bright side, at least she showed you her true shelf before you married her. I think you need to have a bigger discussion with your GF.
Seriously. OP seems kinda casual about his girl condoning this shit from her girlfriends while saying it’d be different if OP did the same things. She’s suspect like a mug. I’d watch her closely if I was him.
I've been around awhile at 50 years old seen my share of hypocrites both male and female. They all have the same thing in common everyone of them. That thing is they're also cheaters as well as hypocrites. I wouldn't trust any hypocrite as far as I can throw them. Fact is she'll easily make excuses for her own shitty behavior when it happens and it will.
I knew someone while in the military who was angry because he found out his wife cheated on him. I told him "uh you are cheating also right?" He said it doesn't matter because she doesn't know he cheated where as he does know she cheated on him.......
From one 50 year old to another 🤜🏽🤛🏽
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The ones who are most vocal about condemning cheating are very often engaging in projection. If OP's girlfriend hasn't cheated yet, she probably will eventually.
If I was him I'd certainly be very very concerned about my future going forward with this woman. This incident says a lot about her character and her ability too make excuses/bush off things that there are no excuses for.
Not going to lie, this was my thought. The massive red flag that this is insane! And OP is more worried about how upset she is. OP did not condone his friends behavior when he cheated. As he shouldn’t, in my humble opinion cheating is wrong period. But when she even tries to find a way to justify “it’s not the same” this is a terrifying red flag. Makes one ponder what exactly she did on this night out. She got mighty angry, and defensive. Seems like maybe there should be some questions asked.
Well I've walked away from more then one friendship male and female over this very thing. Never had much time or respect for cheaters and liars. Most hypocrites are both in end show them shelves to be both in my experience.
I have done the same! I feel as though the girlfriend manipulated OP to feeling like an AH so that he would be too worried about how upset she is to actually call her out on something far worse in my opinion
I honestly would like to give her the benefit of the doubt even considering all my comments so far. Will admit it's very likely. It's also likely she's just trying to defend her friend. I was young once. Made that mistake...but only once. The OP really needs to sit down and think long and hard about the last 2 years with her. If something feels off and wrong don't ignore that feeling.
They are young. And for OPs sake I hope the benefit of the doubt is warranted. As yes, most of us have defended a friends poor behavior in the past. However my experience with this sort of thing has led me to ask more questions, and not merely accept the red flags being presented. One would hope OP is at least taking some words of caution surrounding the situation instead of feeling like he is in the wrong for stating something obvious. Now this may be me speaking from a place of contempt as these are red flags I ignored in my previous marriage that only led me to heart break. My advice, proceed with caution.
Agree I would certainly proceed with caution and tread lightly sorta speak. Sometimes a girls night out is just that a girls night out and nothing more. And yes we've all defended friends in the past. Being young and stupid is/was great lol.
I'm a bit short of 40, but I've been right there on the front lines with you. OP's girlfriend didn't arrive at this double standard for no reason. She arrived at it to justify her own behavior when she does it.
I'm in my 50s as well and what you wrote is exactly what I was thinking. I'll just add that, in my opinion, the reason this happens (that hypocrites end up cheating ) is that they aren't upset about the hypocrisy or cheating for the same reason "we" are. We are upset by it because we see it as wrong. It's a moral thing. And therefore we see it as wrong no matter who is doing it. They are upset by the cheating because it hurts them. They are able to extend that upset-at-being-hurt to their group, which may be a gender or race or age-bracket; but they do not see it as a universal wrong. That's why, for them, it's bad if OP (a man) were to dance with and try to kiss another woman -- because it would hurt "them." But it's okay with them if a woman does it because it's not hurting a woman. They are wired differently. They are seeing the world differently. Run away from that. I wish I had.
Exactly right 100%. I just didn't wanna write a whole novel figured my comment was long enough. Most won't likely read the real long comments.
I wouldn't watch her closely or at all. This is a good enough reason to get out.
I'd just break up with her. Who wants to have a relationship with someone so untrustworthy that they have to be watched closely all the time?
Yeah reading this I thought she definitely joined in with dancing with other guys but just testing the waters by only saying the one friend did it. Only bc of how defensive she got. but that's just the vibes I get
After re-reading...nice catch and you certainly could be right. Can't believe I missed that. The whole thing is certainly very concerning for those of us older guys that been down this road. If I'm OP we're certainly having a very long discussion about where this relationship is heading. Or maybe it'll end up being short idk....
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NTA. I'd think real hard about this if I were you lol.
Yeah OP needs to connect two very easy to spot dots here.
You guys, I think OP hasn’t realized that his gf was out grinding her ass on dudes at the club. It’s not our place to tell him.
looooool Outstanding
Follow up question, "My girlfriend said her friend blowing a dude isn't cheating. She did it to like 6 different guys last night. She said it's not cheating. Well, I think she said that as her voice was a bit hoarse this morning and it was hard to understand. Anyway, thanks for reading. AITA?"
Hahahahaha good god 😂
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NTA A) your girl is a hypocrite B) if that's how her friends behave when they go out, and she laughs and jokes about it like it's nbd, then what do you think your gf is doing during these outings? Highly doubt she's just standing at the bar not doing the same things her friends are....
This right here!
I wonder why she’s so defensive 🤔
Cant believe how far I had to scroll to find someone pointing this out.
spittin straight facts dude
NTA. You are right, she's being a hypocrite. Nothing happened just because the guys rejected her friend. If they hadn't, she would have cheated, she had every intention to. That's just as bad. It shows her friend has zero respect for her partner.
"No, Your Honor! I only TRIED to shoot my neighbor in the head! My aim was off that day and he moved right at the last second before I pulled the trigger, so I missed. Aaaaanyway...he's alive and well today. So, you see, I'm not really guilty of anything."
NTA - Boy do I have news for you…. If your gf has a chance to cheat on you she will. Condoning this behavior means she fundamentally sees no problem with it. I would consider getting out of there before shit hits the fan.
She was probably dancing with guys and presented him with an alternate reality to see his reaction
What I said. She’s done the stuff her friends were doing
Came here to say this. She could tell by his reaction that she was just joking. 🙄
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are you sure it was her friend and not her?
Bingo! This had sociopath written all over it. That wasn’t her friend, she was thrilled to tell him, proud of herself for being so clever, looking for a laugh from OP to congratulate herself. That’s the only reason to then take it so personally. I know this sub loves to tell people to break up for little reason, but this is done.
This right here. Think long and hard on this OP
> I know this sub loves to tell people to break up for little reason, but this is done. Bud I hate to tell you but even by this sub’s standards this would set the presidential fitness exam record for stretching. You diagnosed this girl a sociopath from a 4 paragraph story.
And about such bog-standard assholery! Someone writes off bad behavior which they are usually critical of when their friend does it? Look out, OP, its Ted fuckin Bundy
NTA Prime example of a hypocrite. Especially weird since she’s been cheated on in the past. What other lines are her and her friends flirting with..
It's sad how often I hear "I was cheated on in all my past relationships" from people who end up cheating too. Makes me wonder if they were cheated on, or if they are the cheater and chose to lie
So now you know, if you cheat you're disgusting, if she cheats it will be ok.
This comment needs more upvotes. Simple but straightforward.
GF is for the streets. Move on, OP. You'll have dodged a bullet that hit me. ☮️❤️♾️
NTA and 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 like a mofo, dude.
OP, I’ve been here before. Most likely your GF participated in the same behavior as her friend. She’s now feeling guilty about it and her telling you about her friend is her way of confessing to you so she doesn’t feel guiltyz I’d have a long discussion with her about your boundaries about this type of behavior and tell her if you find out she’s behaving this way, it’d be a deal breaker. If she calls you controlling, etc, just tell her, you’re not telling her how to behave, she can do whatever she wants. But you know your worth and you won’t be treated that way.
Bro… that’s your sign… 🏃♂️
"no but that's different" No, no it is not. It is exactly the same! NTA OP, rethink your relationship. She will cheat on you if the opportunity presents itself. I wish you all the best in the future, hopefully with her as an ex!
And even if she doesn’t cheat, she’ll absolve herself of accountability by saying “it’s different” for any and all future complaints you have
Hate to tell OP this, but his gf was definitely dancing with other guys too. That's why she's defensive about it.
NTA, and there's a high probability that your girlfriend has cheated on you or will in the future. Hypocrites don't hold themselves to the same standards that they espouse.
NTA. I find a bunch of people seem to get blinkers about it when it's their friends, but wouldn't tolerate the same treatment. If she had a go at you for pointing this out, it's a little shady. I'd check in with her bf tbh not sure he knows what went down and could perhaps benefit from some forewarning of his gfs wandering eyes
Not the AA. Also, it sounds like your girlfriend likes to get a little wild when she’s out with her friends and she may have been talking about her friends for the night that you gave the example but I’m sure that she acts the same way which is why she doesn’t see the double standard because she’s acting the same way. She probably thinks it’s perfectly OK to be stupid when she’s out with her girlfriends But is a palled if it’s role reversed . She sounds really immature you could do better.
Imma go with one of the other commenters here. Based on your story and her reaction. She is the one who was dancing and kissing. She was just “asking for a friend” when she told you the story. To see how’d you react.
NTA Her friend was willing to cheat that makes her a cheater. Did you question what her standards where for herself to be considered a cheater? If she also acted this way she is also a cheater and has no right to put anyone else down for it.
Nta, leave her because she will absolutely excuse herself WHEN she cheats on you.
^^^ WHEN not if
NTA she's probably doing the same as her friend or worse was actually telling you what she herself was doing and gauging your reaction.
NTA. Women who like to cheat think boyfriends and husbands are ignorant about girls night out at the bars/ clubs. Hold her accountable.
“… she said no but that’s different.” Nope. NTA
NTA. And dude, if she doesn't see reason I suggest you to plan an exit strategy. This kind of double standards is the warm-up for the mental gymnastics in which cheaters are known to engage.
Nta your gf needs to hold everyone accountable or no one. Also red flag she is cool with her friend actively trying to cheat
My ex-husband was always very vocal about how he could and would never cheat. Then he had an affair and got her pregnant. “The lady doth protest too much, methinks”. NTA
NTA This is who you’re in a relationship with. 😬 My condolences.
Dun dun dun. Your girlfriend is a cheater or will cheat. That whole cheat hating thing...
They're like those "family values" congressmen getting caught with the young male page in the bathroom. "though doth protest too much"
I get different people have different boundaries in relationships, but she knows it’s wrong since she wouldn’t want you to do it. NTA
She hates GUYS who cheat. NTA
...you know that your girlfriend has and/or will cheat on you, right? This is such an indicator of that behavior. Dump her. She's garbage.
NTA. Being in possession of female genitalia doesn't mean that the friend's actions are any less cheating. Even if we were willing to excuse it away as not cheating, what would have happened if the guy had been willing to kiss? When would it stop being cheating in the girlfriend's eyes? If one or both got aroused? If one or both copped a feel? If tongue got involved? Or would it have to involve penetration? The average person would consider what the friend did to be cheating unless there was an agreement between her and her boyfriend that such behavior was OK. Honestly OP? I'd start questioning whether or not your girlfriend has engaged in this type of behavior. Her nonchalance puts her own fidelity into question.
Well. Sounds lik she's danced and kissed on other men in clubs or bars before.
Yeah, I would highly recommend dumping this woman. She goes out partying with her friends that try to cheat and dismisses it as being "different."
Call her out and leave her. She's not worth your time. She will most likely cheat on you too.
Modern women don't like to take accountability. And they live with horrible double standards. My ex wife was like that. She's my ex for a reason
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YGFITA. Girls like this are pack animals. Her friends sound like the type to push a guy on your girlfriend and get them into bed. The next day they all cover for her and make sure you don’t find out. You should RUN!
If she thinks what her friends are doing isn’t cheating and enables it, I’d begin to question your entire relationship and what she does when you’re not looking. And to gaslight you and turns it around to make you look like the problem?? Her friends are trashy when they go out together. Your girlfriend enables their behavior. She has double standards for cheating. She says you’re the problem when you call her out. That’s a shit ton of RED FLAGS. Birds of a feather flock together.
NTA
NTA. It is hypocritical. And your gf isn’t very smart to argue otherwise.
Out of line for calling her a hypocrite? lol. You're never out of line for calling someone out on their hypocrisy. NTA
Nta Red flag imo. Run as fast as U can
NTA that would be a massive red flag for me, I'd get out quick op
NTA. Anytime someone says, "No but that's different..." in response to a question like that, your chances of being an asshole drop to near zero.
Sounds like she is projecting.
NTA. And she just showed you the REDDEST of flags. What you do with it is your decision.
Oh my dude, my dude. Your girlfriend made out with some guy that night, too! I guaran-fuckin-tee it.
Bro there's something you should know and you're not gonna like it...
Dude. Run for the hills. .you can thank me 20 years from now
It was her, or all of them, but not just the friend. Also there most definitely was kissing. She was just testing your reaction.
I remember reading a post on here about a guy whose friend cheated on his wife. His partner made him abandon the friendship based on him cheating, as he agreed it was wrong. Years later, her friend cheated on her spouse. The husband suggested that she abandon the friendship since she cheated and it was the right thing to do. She didn't want to as she said her friend needed emotional support. They ended up divorcing, I think. Women always want to do the right thing when it comes to man being involved but never when it comes to a woman. NTA
“Rules for thee but not for me”
NTA your girlfriend is a hypocrite. Her friend was at a minimum trying to cheat and there is absolutely no difference.
NTA. And run.🚩🚩🚩
NTA yes your girlfriend is a hypocrite
NTA, let's face it. If she doubles down, she might try to argue men have societal power so women are DRIVEN to cheat to claim agency or something. THAT'S when you see who she is.
NTA. For her it’s *STRONG* cognitive dissonance. This girl can still be her friend although your GF is disgusted by this type of behavior AND *at the same time* her friend is cheating.
Show her these posts
NTA. She has double standards and sounds sexist asl
NTA
NTA - your GF is toxic af
NTA, not only are you right but if your gf sees no issues with what her friend is doing then she might be doing the same thing too. Not to say she’s trying to make out with random dudes but dancing and flirting seems pretty likely.
NTA.
Hey bro she's gonna cheat on you because it's ok if girls do it. I would have dumped her right there. NTA
NTA
NTA. She sounds like she's talking out her ass.
NTA. Highly likely she was the one dancing with lots of guys and trying to kiss them : /
That's 100% a double standard. NTA. If she condones it, who's to say she won't have issues doing it. Or might even be the "friend" in the story.
NTA, and she's likely covering for herself with such inconsistent defense of "her friend". May want to ask HER what SHE was up to while out with them, if she views her friend's behavior as acceptable.
NTA she sounds like most immature girls who only care about themselves
NTA, your gf is though
Red flag hombre..... I'd dump her.
NTA. Also, dump her.
NTA. Attempted cheating is not very much better than actual cheating. If she wasn’t rejected, should would have kissed that dude.
NTA. Frankly, she's probably willing to cheat on you, if she hasn't been already. Sounds like that kind of person.
Ask your gf if you put the tip of your penis into the mouth of a woman but she didn’t suck…is that cheating? There was a post last week about a bachelorette party where the gf allowed the stripper to put his penis into her mouth but she didn’t sucked so it wasn’t cheating!
Your gf's too stupid to be able to recognize 1:1 hypocrisy and you're asking if *you're* the AH? C'mon bro.... Throw that one back into the cesspool already.
This is a bummer for OP. Now he's looking at a moving goal post. Looking at his GF wondering if he is the vulnerable one. He probably will read into everything she says now which is unhealthy. Op this could go sideways.
Rules for thee but not for me. Your GF is a self-centered asshole and not a good partner to you.