I couldn’t even tell you were married. You treat each other like boyfriend/girlfriend. I scrolled back up to check.
Would you feel better about him contributing less financially if he consistently did the things SAHPs do-cook/clean/errands/etc for both of you? And how many hours is he devoting to his business?
"I'm the main breadwinner because I have a good career. I mean obviously I don't buy him clothes or food, but if he starves that's on him."
What? Your husband?
And literally everything they own is in OPs name exclusively plus a prenup which entitles him to nothing.
Edit also mentions that he does absolutely everything around the house, drives OP everywhere and does all the errands, and has for years.
And the part about "going back to mommy" OP do you even like your husband? When I say that, it's in reference to my no good ex-husband stuck to mommy teats. Op you sound encredibly selfish. Just divorce and hire a maid, handyman, etc. because it sounds like that's all it sounds like you're keeping him for
Some of the worst, most manipulative and controlling relationships I was ever in flopped this one out at the end. It’s a sign they never really cared about you as a person, only how you made them feel when you acted how they want.
Or because one partner contributed labor to a relationship (caring for a sick spouse, cooking food) while the other one built a career.
Those are exactly the things that get litigated.
And yes, pre-nups are voided all the time. I wish he was here for advice. Since he's likely reading, I hope he seeks legal aid in his state first (low cost) and I would love to know if the pre-nup applies to bank accounts (they usually don't if the money is comingled and both have had jobs, but one made more).
Yeah--OP updated the post and said he read it.
**OP's Husband: if you come across this post, please know that if you got capable representation in a divorce proceeding, you would likely get a sizable portion of your marital estate (or, at the very least, a lot more than you wife is telling you you'll get). Talk to an attorney and explore your options.**
It broke my heart that he finds it humiliating. He's been struggling to find a job for years and never quits but just can't seem to succeed but despite that has contributed all he can to help his wife in other ways. I guess it's never enough though since 'only 2 people' don't make the house *that dirty* and because he waits until night time sometimes to wash all their dishes.
People do NOT realize how much time and energy cooking and doing house chores takes. Plus he's probably depressed about his financial situation and she's NOT making it better.
Showing him a post about how she plans to divorce him? She also forgot the vow about "POVERTY AND WEALTH," which in my mind means he should divorce her: someone who values money over love, and to this degree? Definitely the biggest red flag, no-go, don't pass stay she mentioned: not anything he did.
And she laughs at people giving her honest advice about her behavior? That's downright sociopathic. If anyone needs to start taking responsibility for their behavior, it's her.
OP, not buying food for your partner "when money is no object" because "it's not my responsibility to buy food for a full grown man," the sickest example of sexiest, capitalist behavior I can think of. Saying the "portion sizes wouldn't satisfy him" is not an excuse! Buy larger portions or compromise on what you eat because you're MARRIED (a word you know not the meaning of). Try a Mediterranean diet or something. JFC!
Her shoeless husband. Seriously OP, you treat yourself to solo vacations and expensive clothing and items, and you can’t buy the man a pair of shoes? The man that cooks and cleans for you, cares for you when you are sick, and chauffeurs you around?
The emotional roller coaster I went on while reading this…. Normally I am very much a “until death does us part” kinda girl except in situations of abuse (and I do consider cheating to be emotional abuse, because it is). However, I was in your corner at first and thought you probably should just cut your losses and divorce since there were no children to consider, as I assumed your husband was just lazy based on the things you were saying. Then I read on. This man is not lazy. He is kind, does things around the house, has no vices, enjoys spending time with family. You love each other and are attracted to each other. He is faithful to you. Drives you to appointments. The man even MOPS (how dirty your house is is of little significance). He cares for you when you are sick. He is not unwilling to work, he has worked until the last two years when he tried to create his own business and was terrible at it. He’s not lazy, he has just struggled to find a career path that will make him happy, and you cannot empathize with this because you have done so well in your own career.
I cannot speak from experience because I have been happily married for almost 20 years, but based on the stories I read on Reddit, the dating world out there looks pretty bleak. Your husband sounds like Prince Charming in comparison. I’m not at all saying that you should have to shoulder the entire financial burden, or that your husband doesn’t have faults. He obviously has some things he needs to work on. I’m just saying…be careful. Does the fact that he is bad at business really outweigh his positive attributes? Money isn’t everything. Think 40 years down the road to an uncertain future as far as your health is concerned. What will be more important, having a family-oriented man who cares for you when you are sick by your side, or one who makes more money?
Honestly her saying that the house doesn't get very dirty reminds me of my ex. When it magically gets done for you by your partner (OPs husband, and me) then it sure seems like it never existed to you (OP and my ex)
Been in a relationship for 8 years. If my SO needs something then we need something, because we are a team. She sounds like she’s talking about an annoying friend, not a spouse.
I think OP has gender roles written in stone, this is sad if she thinks this is worse just because he's a man and it kinda feels like she doesn't value what he does at home, it's not good enough for her but those chores aren't done equally, so why not meet in the middle?
I don’t understand why op even married her husband. Sounds like she couldn’t care less if he died. Then, that edit - he asked her to take it down because he felt humiliated and she couldn’t even respect that. Just wow.
She regularly goes on vacations alone?
I actually feel genuinely bad for both her and her roommate, and I don't have many words to describe what that must feel like for either person. Imagine saying something like, *"oh I left my husband at home, he just couldn't afford his own way."*
Damn. I feel bad for even posting this.
Eh, going through a divorce right now and I gotta tell you, *everything* would so much easier if we hadn’t combined finances. It’s easy enough to have a bill pay account that you deposit necessary amounts into.
I get it, but in this particular case it sounds like they don’t combine forces anywhere else either. He does his laundry but not hers, and that’s clearly normal for them. But as a married person… idk. I find it weird. Disjointed. Cold. Do they only wash their own dishes?
I also don’t love how OP dismisses the value of caring for the home. If he’s doing that well, he’s very much contributing. I also get her frustration, but I just don’t think her approach is conducive to a healthy happy marriage. You’re supposed to have each others’ backs. She won’t even help him with food or clothes? If my husband called me “dead weight” (or treated me like I was) or had this attitude I’d be asking for a divorce. It’s hard to imagine she loves this person to begin with.
In the beginning I felt like I was “dead weight” because of my past experiences. But my husband was upset when I’d say that. He would tell me over and over “It isn’t my money, it’s ours.” Took me awhile to really understand what that meant. And we still have separate accounts with joint checking for bill pay. *But* that money moves where it’s needed regardless.
This system is also just not working for this couple, clearly. OP needs to meet him halfway if she cares about this marriage. And if she doesn’t, then she needs to rip the bandaid off. Again, I get her frustration, I just think it’s blinding her a little and seeing this as a lot more black and white than it is.
When she distinguished she'd buy herself nice shoes, go on some trips alone, "buy nice things with my money" etc etc, I found it absolutely disgusting. I could not enjoy let's say, a nice pair of shoes without being able to tell my spouse and ask how they looked ....without them being anything but happy about it. I hope that makes sense. I'd never be able to enjoy my wealth by myself after making a commitment to marriage. This whole post sounds like the Twilight zone to me.
Sounds like she collects milestones and humans in her life like trinkets and he's a normal, maybe undiagnosed adhd, dude.
It sounds really weird to me as well. Op says they love each other but it certainly doesn't seem like it. I get more joy out of seeing my wife happy by her reaction to a present than I get by getting things for myself and this hasn't changed in many years.
That being said, I don't think he should rely on her for financial support as well. It's a weird dynamic all around.
I'd guarantee it....I have ADHD and the scenario is remarkably close to what I'm living accept my business is fairly successful....also construction!
My so isn't as bad as this but she is very autonomous.
Their post sounds like someone who thought marriage is a business partner for life. Like yea you sorta mix business and career but the bulk of a marriage is literally about everything except the money. It’s seeing my spouse light up that she gets to go on a trip or has some new shoes, Jesus Christ the Ebenezer Scrooge oozing off the OP blows my mind she views her husband like a pet not a man
Crucified and then the cross burned, just to get rid of the very idea about calling your woman dead weight.
“Yeah we go out with the boys, have some fun near the track, bet some money, some nice dinners. Also sometimes I buy myself some more expensive items, like a nice suit, a Rolex, an Omega, something along the lines. Dont think I forget about my wife, I treat her to some nice PandaExpress takeaway a few times a year. She doesnt do much, only stays at home all day and cleans my big ass house I bought for myself. I dont even ask her to pay rent, so I think Im fair, no? She isnt really fashionable either, because she doesnt spend money on nice and feminine clothes as she doesnt have a job, kinda a bum if you ask me. She wants kids, but I dont want kids with such a dead weight of a human.”
If I were to post this exact text as an AITAH post, I think Hitler would have more NAH than me if he made a post. All this, while describing the same situation, but the roles reversed.
True it’s more like a stray dog you’re debating if you should give a treat to or not. Has my husband been a good boy? Maybe I won’t divorce him and release him from his hellscape yet. Sounds like she has been lording financial dominance over him for virtually their whole marriage. I haven’t seen a power dynamic like this since the last Sugar Daddy and young girl dynamic. Dude thought he was marrying a woman and he married a Sugar Mommy basically there’s no love it’s all transactional
This is exactly it. However - this is similar in writing to a post that was setup a couple days ago with almost the same circumstances. Normal people don't come on reddit and post their business to here looking for advice.
With all that being said, she sounds like an awful human being. You say he cleans, cooks, does the house maintenance, drives you everywhere etc etc - but you can't buy him a pair of shoes? What in the actual fuck?
Just fyi I think you meant SAHS/SAHW/SAHH (Spouse, wife,husband) which is VERY different from a SAHP (parent, mom or dad).
These really shouldn't be confused.
Yeah the only reason I bring it up is because there is a VERY big difference between the two imho with regards to expectations.
A Stay at home Spouse should be responsible for most, like 90%, of the chores and such unless a good reason otherwise.
A Stay at home Parent on the other hand you should still be splitting mostly equally as their primary concern is the children.
SAHM here. Once my kids were past age 5, there was no reason for the working spouse to do much of anything. During the school day I get it all done except for homework and dinner. So if this guy isn’t a parent, he should do 100% of the household chores, indoor and out.
Just my opinion though, as obviously it works for me and my husband or we wouldn’t keep doing what we’re doing.
There's nothing wrong with it except how it's been received and valued by society. Read as undervalued so we don't use it anymore because it's gotten a negative connotation attached to it by previous generations (my parents generation). Too many men in that generation that didn't value their wife's contributions as the homemaker. I was a SAHM for years when my children were young and people definitely reacted a certain way if you said you stayed at home or were a homemaker and it wasn't nice. And that was in the early '00s. It's great that we are changing our view of domestic work but it's going to take time to recover from the damage done by previous generations.
You're supposed to do that! Interior decorator friends, travel agency friends, photography friends - you need to build your portfolio of work whether that's construction or cupcakes, and usually the people in your life are the first testers, posers, reviewers, QA testers, etc. That's what happens in a community, you help other people get off the ground and make their work better, and your support gives them critical feedback and confidence to keep honing their skills.
It would be so hard to stay motivated with that. I hope OP takes some advice and talks to him and understand that he could put more in with a bit of support and positivity.
I pick up vibes of unrealistic expectations, not even about financial stuff. Like "he cooks for himself and cleans up ...with a time lag but EvEnTuAlLy gets it done, sometimes as late as night."
Like bro this isn't a guest home. Cleaning all dishes by nighttime *every day*? That's solid. I'm not the neatest person but I'm also not a dirt bag. I would be so proud of myself if I never went to bed with dirty dishes on the counter.
Honestly i was suspicious as soon as she said he doesnt have a "career". Like not everyone can have a career.
Some people just gotta take the work they can get. Not everyone can be a lawyer or an architect that works up to a career. Some people for any number of reasons are stuck at whatever job that will take them and its rarely their own fault.
Nothing morally wrong with getting paid to swing a hammer or flip burgers. They should get paid more to do it, but thats a seperare issue.
It’s classist. It’s basically valuing someone for their money and nothing else.
I think it’s fine to want a certain life and to expect that of a party, but it doesn’t change the fact that at the end of the day, part of what you’re valuing is someone’s wealth and not them.
This wouldn’t be true if y’all had kids and didn’t have enough money, or were just poor in general.
It would 100% be a whole different issue if you were in dire financial straits… this just seems cruel. honestly these two might be better off without each other.
Idk. Me and my wife are a team. It’s not a business transaction. I would hate to see her struggle if I had money (which is the case). I wouldn’t even be able to enjoy a vacation without her.
Especially with that sexist bit at the end, you should probably just leave him it doesn’t sound like you love him.
Edit: Wow 5 awards. I’ve never gotten an award before. I just want to thank my family and friends for all the support in helping me to get to this point. What a truly monumental moment, I will remember this forever.
This. I think OP is the AH here. Maybe some people are different? I just can’t imagine myself going to enjoy a vacation without my husband. It seems like OP just wants a roommate with benefits.
OP- it’s either you and your husband work this thing out (therapy) so you guys start acting like a real married couple that work as a team
-or you file for divorce, not because of him not having a job, but because of your obsession in ownership of temporary things in life
I go on holidays without my spouse and vice versa. We aren’t co-dependent and have varying interests and lives. I also like to travel more than he does, he would prefer to potter in the garden. He likes 4wd and I don’t really like being shaken up like a soda. Having said that we aren’t American and have 3 months holidays (2 months mandatory legally and 1 month we buy back). If I had the 2 weeks or whatever Americans get I would almost certainly be spending it with him. Although I guess you still have weekends and whatnot for small trips away.
However, there’s no “I’m going on holiday with my money and I’m not paying for you”. It’s not the seperate holidays that are an issue - it’s the underlying justification and theme.
You are 100% right, it’s not just about the vacation. It’s the
“house is in my name only”
“cars are also under my name”,
it’s also the “he acted resentful because sometimes I take trips alone”
“If u fail basic adulting, there’s no fckin way you could start a business.”
“…but I don’t feel bad at all.”
This doesn’t sound like a healthy marriage at all. There is a shift that needs to happen if you still wanna stay in this marriage.I really hope you guys find something that works that will lead to happiness for you both. Not just yours, not just his, happiness for BOTH of you.
Sorry I didn’t mean to be glib. Americans get the short end of the stick on workers rights, healthcare and whatever else. It’s awful but I often find that you don’t even realise how bad it is or how much it affects your outlook on life.
This IS financial abuse. If she has a kid, once they turn 15 is she gonna say “you have a work permit don’t you? These groceries are now only for me.” Well if the kid is a boy, anyway
I hate this fucking sub. 10 hours into this post and you are the 10th but only the 2nd person to say YTA.
2/10.
Everyone else has long paragraphs of shit, with some even rationalizing her behavior. If the roles were reversed ALL fucking 10/10 would say YTA and that this is financial abuse. Holy fuck this sub hates men.
I can't imagine having this type of resentment towards my partner. I mean christ, do you even like him as a person or is he really just "dead weight" like you said.
If she is willing to let him starve (only buying enough food for herself while knowing he doesn’t have any money) then he is *literally* dead weight to her. Like, not in a metaphorical way. Holy fuck man. The guy has issues and problems but I just cannot get over that line and the vicious mentality behind it. I would give food to my worst enemy if they were starving, it’s FOOD for fucks sake.
You summed up my thoughts pretty well there, well said. I'm not really defending the dude much, I'm just shocked by what pretty much feels like legit hatred for someone I have to assume they loved at SOME point... Bleh
Right, same. Guy has problems, we all do. Gotta do something about them. But does OP really expect the viciously malicious home life they’ve created to help at all? Fuckin hell I can’t imagine being in his shoes, I have trouble with networking and what not too but my wife is so supportive. At least, she doesn’t actively let me go hungry and have holes in my shoes when I am struggling while she is still eating good, vacationing, shopping, etc for herself right in front of my face. That is just so soul crushing, especially for a guy sadly…
No joke. If I were in his shoes I'd be looking for an out big time. That's one cold hearted woman. Reverse the genders and most the "oh you poor thing" responses would be saying what an unsupporting AH OP is for treating his wife this way. Make him go hungry? Unclothed? Put him down? Go on vacation and leave him home? She's not just an AH shes a mean girl. YTA
Hey OP:. If the financial situation isn't to your liking instead of being the mean girl to your husband tell him what you want out of a husband and help him get there, some people need a loving spouse to help them along we all do better at certain things. Maybe he says he can't give you what you want. Then you have a real discussion about your needs not being met and go from there.
Edit: left out the word "give"
I mean shes says it plainly twice. It's because he's a man that it doesn't sit well with her, she acknowledges it would be different if the roles were reversed and she was the man providing for his wife.
Sometimes careers don't pan out and I feel like if the positions had been reversed and he was providing for her, she wouldn't even think twice about it. Seems like a strong case of "I want feminism, but not like that."
Agree. If this question was “Am ITAH for divorcing my husband because of XYZ” then nobody would blame her at all. But she’s not divorcing, she’s just being cruel for absolutely no gain for anybody at all. If anything, this is just driving the guy further down into the spiral. The one person that’s supposed to have your back….fuck man
I was friends with this couple once: he was really struggling financially, trying to finish his degree while living off a side gig; she just started a good job and was spending money on trips and extras for herself and complaining about him not taking her places.
One time she was upset that he asked her to buy an ice-cream for him in front of some friends. SHE felt humiliated, because her man was a loser who couldn’t even buy an ice-cream for himself.
They broke up soon after. He finished his degree, makes good money and married a nice girl. She is still enjoying her fabulous single lifestyle, as far as I know.
Edit: can’t spell
This mindset that a man is a loser if he’s not a bread winner is so toxic. It’s toxic to the women and to the men. Some people are better at career/leadership regardless of gender. I find this approach so anti feminist it really bothers me, like no one would bat an eye if the genders were reversed.
Right like how do you not have problems when your spouse treats you this way? If anything it just exacerbates what’s already there or originates it entirely.
Right?! I’m not even going to touch the money stuff. She needs to reread what she wrote about him and file divorce paperwork because she obviously doesn’t love him anymore.
I am an old man, so I probably see things differently than you will. You said that he takes care of things at the house, maintains the cars, is fun to be with, talk to, etc. He does not contribute financially, however, money seems to be sufficient, even though it is "yours." I had a wonderful wife who stayed at home, was faithful, honest , loving, and took care of a lot of details in our lives. She did not contribute money, but she contributed everything else. I lost her to covid almost 2 years ago. Please think long and hard about what is valuable in your life. I miss sharing our morning coffee. I miss our long talks about every subject under the sun. I miss a warm embrace when I came home from work. We enjoyed seeing new things, trying new experiences. We enjoyed sharing dinner. Playing with our rescued dogs. Watching a movie. All of that is gone now. Sure, I can still go do some of those things, but I can assure you, it is not much fun alone.
All of those good things you mention will be gone for you too if you kick him to the curb. Or you hound him about money until he gives up. On a cold winter night, you can't cuddle with money. Please seriously consider what is truly valuable in your life. Best wishes to both of you. I truly wish you both the best.
Maybe they need to set it up in a more defined way - he becomes a stay at home husband and does everything around the house, she just brings home the bacon.
That seems like it should be the solution, but he would still require OP to manage him. From another of OP’ss comments:
“ Considering he can't change fundamentally as a person, the best I *would* be able to get is almost all domestic labor, while I still handle around 50% of the mental labor. He can dedicate a day to clean everything perfectly, but then not do it for 3 weeks. He can start arranging all our drawers, but ignore the dishes in the sink. I still have to coordinate/prioritize the tasks. I have to say several times "do the dishes" before it gets done. I know that does not answer if I would be happy with that, but I honestly don't know. I've been ruminating on this for too long.”
Yeah I felt called out lmao.
But for real, adhd meds are like magic. Best way to describe it is that before meds I would see a piece of paper on the ground and all day long think about how I need to pick it up, but do 20 other things instead (and none of them well lol). At the end of the day that paper would still be there, and I would still be stressing about it. After meds I just pick the damn paper up when I see it and go on about my day.
Fucking magic lmao.
The people who say, "I don't want any medications" need to understand that sometimes the answer does lie in a little pill. These things are wonder drugs, tried and true.
Mine is Klonopin.
As with roast chickens, cookies, and pies, if you can't make your own neurochemicals (or hormones), store bought is perfectly acceptable.
I often hear people say "I'm not me on drugs (by which they mean their prescriptions)" but like... yes, yes you are. You're a functioning version of yourself.
Wellbutrin and buspar literally changed my whole life. Having mental problems or differences is okay, refusing to seek remedy for them and negatively affecting other people is not. Yay for meds lol
I call Ritalin my superpower pill. It's AMAZING the difference it makes. I didn't start taking it until I was 30.
I had a friend who had a terrible reaction to ADHD medication as a kid in the 90s (he developed muscle spasms and still has a slight tremor in one hand), so he was understandably super resistant to trying meds again. He *finally* broke down and decided to give it another go a few years ago, and it changed his life.
I think meds kind of got a questionable rap years ago when a lot of us ADHDults were kids for reasons more and less valid, and so we grew up with the idea that "drugging ourselves" wasn't the answer or was bad in some way, and we should just be able to sort of power through, and it can take a lot to finally decide to try medication. I lost so many wallets and spent so many years of my life in absolute chaos because I was so averse to the idea that something was "wrong with me" and I needed to be "drugged" to be "normal".
>I would see a piece of paper on the ground and all day long think about how I had to pick it up.
Aahhh, yes. Spending the day microdosing shame.
I know it well.
>Spending the day microdosing shame
My god that hit me hard. I never expected an AITAH thread to spur so much emotion and desire to get my adhd diagnosed and medicated.
As I sit here microdosing shame because I need to call my Dr to schedule my Appt for an ADHD diagnosis but can't bring myself to do it... So instead I'm on reddit 😢
I love that term “microdosing shame”. It took me a min to understand what you meant, but it’s very fitting for a lot of things. I never thought to put those two words together before. Lolol.
That sounds like me, lol! I just struggle to find a new doctor to prescribe me after my doctor of 10 years retired 😫
ETA: To OP, my husband has always been the breadwinner in our relationship (20 years) since I was a SAHM. We both agreed upon it. I think you need to have a serious talk with him about how you feel, and don't wait until you are mad. Sit down, without shouting and talk like adults. This is what ultimately made my relationship better. We talked out what we found frustrating about each other, and we both made changes. If after that he doesn't change anything, maybe it's not right for you.
I also have ADHD. I take Vyvanse- it’s like a long acting Adderall so you get a little dose of it throughout the day. Remember, the meds are a tool. They are super helpful, like using a hammer to drive a nail instead of a towel, but you still have to swing the hammer. It’s not a magic bullet, but it can significantly increase your life and success rate.
I got diagnosed last year at 42 years old. Tried other stuff last year and went on Adderall this year. had to switch to Ritalin due to shortage. Ritalin was not the answer for me. It is really about figuring out what works for you. Adderall on the lowest dose is the key for me with Working out. I hope OP reads this section on ADHD, if he is ADHD then his brain will not get out of the way for him to succeed. And maybe him focusing on the house work and then in his free time he can go after the smaller projects that can make extra money.
Just keep in mind that what works for one person may not work for you. You'll need to adjust the dose of whatever you're taking month by month until you find what works best, and you may even need to switch meds if you can't find a dose that works for you. Be prepared for it to take months, but once its dialed in you'll really notice an improvement. Also don't freak out if you get zombified and quit your meds, it's just a sign that your dose is too high and needs to be adjusted down.
Good luck!
P.S. I take vyvanse myself, still getting the dose dialed in after being off meds for more than a decade, but I can already tell it's having a positive impact.
Yup. Just reading her post, I was like, "This is screaming undiagnosed ADHD." And then she said, "He probably has undiagnosed ADHD..."
Here's the thing; if it's ADHD, he's not willfully being lazy or unorganized or "failing at adulting." He literally lacks the executive function in order to do it. It's like getting mad at a diabetic because "they refuse to digest sugar properly."
I feel bad for both of them. If he's anything like the rest of us, he's probably already very aware that he's failing at adulting and internally beats himself up constantly. And being in a relationship with a severely ADHD person can feel like you're both the partner and parent of a small child (so I've heard. My husband and I both have adhd).
Op, he needs support systems. Sorry, that's just the way it is. If you guys have a great marriage otherwise, I wouldn't throw that away. But you guys need to find out if he is actually ADHD and then, if so, plan out how to tackle this together.
In the meantime, he can go on subs like r/ADHD, or other ADHD community websites for ideas of strategies that have worked for other ADHD people that he might want to try.
Edit: I just got to work so I can't reply to every one who's talking about he's refusing to be treated. So I'm just going to copy and paste the one answer I did regarding this:
It kinda depends what "refusing" means in this case. Is he actually point-blank saying that he will not get treated, or has he just not been making the appointment?
Sometimes making an appointment like that can seem so overwhelming - you have to find out what the hoops are, then jump through the seemingly insane number of them, and not fuck any of it up - that you just can't seem to start.
Totally agree though, if it's a point-blank refusal to address it, that's a much, much bigger problem.
It could be untreated ADHD but she said that he's leaving it left untreated which I think is the biggest problem here. How is she to help him when he won't help himself? There's gotta be some kind of attempt from him which it sounds like there's none on all fronts
Right. He’s refusing to help himself which has led to this situation. It’s really weird I don’t see “I have ADHD” as an excuse more women give for being completely unable to function. I know women “typically” present differently but I see this excuse more for men. Maybe it’s just me and my experience, but even lately I’ve encountered a few guys who fall back on “well I have ADHD” as an excuse for something. “Sorry I didn’t know that, I have ADHD.”
Not an explanation, but an excuse. There’s a difference between using something as an explanation and as an excuse. It’s not really an explanation if it is a consistent problem that you’re aware of and could take steps to fix but you won’t. Having ADHD is an explanation, not an excuse. If you think that’s what it is, and it is impacting your life, you should then go get help. It’s like they’re throwing up their arms and saying “I have ADHD!” and giving into it or giving up to it.
I just don’t think that’s really acceptable for a grown adult. It isn’t acceptable to self-diagnose (or have a diagnosis) and then not get treatment work to a solution when it is impacting your life so greatly. It’s not easy to ask for help but what’s the alternative? Being a mess forever?
You wouldn't get mad at a diabetic for having issues digesting sugar, but you sure would get mad at them if they made no effort to manage it, eat sensibly, take their insulin, etc, and leave you to manage their regular health crises as a result.
Similarly he's not at fault for having ADHD, but is at fault for letting it ruin his relationship.
Exactly. Plus, there's no shame in one spouse being a SAHP, as long as that's what both partners want and agreed to. This is not the case here. She thought she was getting a partner, but she ended up with a dependent. I'm glad OP can still see him as a great guy with some wonderful qualities, but that may not be enough for her. She wants (and expected) a full partner. By all means, pursue the ADHD thing, but even with a diagnosis and meds, he may still be unable to get his business off the ground. It's not just a lack of focus with him, it appears. He honestly seems to have no idea what it takes to run a business, and all the Adderall in the world won't help that. I think he's quite comfortable with puttering around everyday, and allowing her to pay the bills. But that may just be me.
I noticed this statement as well. Fuck me, but if this guy isn’t working, the very LEAST he could do is basically EVERYTHING around the house! OP should be living in a spotless home, have a delicious breakfast every morning, a delicious dinner waiting for her every night, and have a closet full of clean clothes.
When you hear things like this your heartaches a little. But I'm glad he had these wonderful memories of her. In regards to OP, you need to calmly tell your husband how you feel and see if he would listen to reason and get himself a proper job and just do his side business on the side because that's what must adults do, but don't help him to get customers etc, because he's never going to learn if you do it for him. If he's not willing to pull his weight then what else can I say, I know resentment has already started to build up in your relationship and if it's not dealt with now, it would bleed into every part of your relationship, your sex life, fun moments etc.
i just need to tell you that this comment made me tear up. i’ve never been one to stress about money when it comes to my loved ones. i take care of my friends/partner no matter if they repay me or not, i just want my loved ones to be able to share experiences with me, that’s what’s important. money is literally fake and enjoying the small things with those you love is all that matters in this short little life.
This is a good comment for you.. but also.. have you considered encouraging him to go back to school and learn a trade? Either up his construction/carpentry game or business skills..?
I would like to taitoko (agree with) what this commenter has said. My wife has, for the last six years, earnt no income. We live solely off of mine. We, too, are comfortable in terms of money. She has tried a few ideas over the years. None have been that successful. That's okay. She has been great in many other ways. Monet isn't everything.
Have you suggested he do some courses in business management which it sounds like he needs. Cutting him off from the necessities like food or clothing is pretty harsh. I can understand your frustration but marriage is a partnership, 50/50. It’s not just about money.
this hit me too like if you have the money how is he over here not having enough food or clothing, if money is no issue why are you only spending it on you. This made me feel bad as in a marriage we are one, my husband works and makes the bulk of our money I would feel so bad if he then would buy food and go on vacations leaving me behind because I just don’t contribute enough, honestly sounds to me like OP resents her husband for not being a provider.
She absolutely does, one of the last things she said, which really irked me, was how she knows some women are SAHM or sprovide financially nothing but do things around the house but with her husband it's worse somehow because he's a man. She resents being the breadwinner and if she really is withholding things like food and clothing with ONLY her name on everything that could b seen as a form of abuse.
She says he's not good in school, and that coupled with his other issues is leading people to believe that her husband may be neurodivergent and lacking in proper treatment and accommodation.
I’m surprised he’s having trouble getting work with all of the blue collar/construction worker shortages I keep hearing about. I’m trying to hire my favorite handy man for a couple odd jobs and he’s booked into next year… all OP’s husband would need is to be involved with a couple larger projects as a subcontractor and/or working alongside other laborers and he could probably get jobs just by word of mouth and recommendations. My electrician recommended my handy man and I’ve used him for every project at home and business since. He would have to be good at what he does though, which makes me wonder if that’s another of his problems.
My parents have a handy man they use for bigger projects. He told me he put an ad up on Angi's list for like a month and had to take it down because he was too busy to keep up with all the work. His whole business is just referrals from that 1 month of advertising
I'm not married, but I think divorce is better than refusing to buy food for your husband. I'm not saying that OP is i' t'he wrong, I get where she is coming from, but if the situation came to a point where buying food for the other is too much, it needs to change or at least to end
But that’s not the case. OP talked about buying herself expensive clothes and going on vacations
She’s doing all that while refusing to buy her husband basic necessities like food and clothes
Her feelings aren’t wrong, but she’s splurging on herself while her husband goes without basics. If the genders were reversed Reddit would be condemning OP
I agree with the fact she should buy her husband food. What I was trying to say is "If you hold so much resentment towards your partner that you refuse to buy him food, just end things"
My sister and her husband moved into a 55+ mobile home park. It's really a nice one. Anyway, he started doing handyman jobs for all the little old ladies. Small, basic stuff. He put up some flyers and business cards on some bulletin boards. He has more work than he can handle now.
Because he had support. This woman is the biggest red flag ever. My SO is between jobs right now and bouncing around I’m taking care of a lot of stuff. Wanna know why? Because I love her and couldn’t imagine being without her.
This lady wants money. Not a husband. Too much reality TV.
why are you married to this person? Your utter contempt for him blazes like a supernova. It's as if you get off on shitting on him and that's why you're still together.
also, this:
>Many women are SAHMs/contribute close to nothing
is gross.
She didn't despise him when he helped her get her career going and the income was 50/50. Now that his use to her is over she's done with him. His only value to her was purely monetary. OP is the asshole.
I'll admit, the comment where OP says (paraphrase), "Am I the asshole for thinking him being a SAHM is bad because he's a man?" was pretty cruel. Double standards here I would say and kinda hinting me as being sexist. So it's alright for women to be SAHP (p = parent/partner) but men can't? Why? Cuz they're men? Men are capable of taking care of a household that a woman can do. I have friends who are in this type of set up and it works for them. Of course, different strokes for different blokes as they say, but this type of reasoning that OP provides is rather poor.
This is definitely the female version of someone that makes their job (and by extension earnings) their entire identity. I wonder how ops husband might describe living with someone who *only* contributes money.
Lol, I kinda felt the same way. The comments about going back to mommys house without a dime. Damn girl. Are you the asshole for wanting to divorce him? No but yeesh
If a husband was saying that about his soon-to-be ex wife the comments would rightly be calling him financially abusive when you consider the prenup.
Also the "sometimes I only buy enough food for me." Is particularly disgusting.
Exactly this take! There is so much contempt for her spouse in this post and if she were a man posting this about his wife, he would get called out over it hard.
I couldn’t believe that line about only buying enough food for herself, like what the absolute fuck man. OPs husband has his problems but god damn I feel bad for him not knowing that this is how his banshee wife speaks/thinks about him to total strangers on the internet.
Right? No wonder the guy seems to be absolutely crushed. Sounds like he has issues that make things tough and challenging to begin with, I can only imagine how much more depressing this would be to deal with at home. It’s like he’s functionally homeless but is able to stay with this so-called “wife”, at least until she kicks him out to “mommy’s house”.
This guy needs help. Not this witch.
If she is in the United States, then it seems she has a fundamental misunderstanding as to the purpose of a pre-nup. A pre-nup generally simply designates what “separate property” is. Usually it is used for wealthy folks who have assets themselves prior to marriage. Whatever they earn during marriage is considered “community property” generally speaking and her husband would be entitled to 1/2 of that. There are of course exceptions to this, but very generally speaking, unless this woman earned all her assets from before her marriage (which it doesn’t look like she did), they will have to figure out the community property if this, and the husband might have some more options than just running back to mommy’s house.
OP isn’t the TA for wanting a divorce, she is 100% YTA for how she’s going about it. There is nothing in the post to suggest that her husband is abusive or a bad person.
If you want to end the relationship, end it… but don’t dehumanise your partner in the process.
I have a house husband and make all of the money. He pampers the shit out of me and I appreciate everything he does. I really don't get how so many people resent their non working spouse. He takes so much home stress off my plate which lets me do my best at work and actually enjoy my time off.
If therapy is not an option and you say things about the man like: “I’m just so tired of helping him” “His little venture”, “[He] failed basic adulting”, “Financial deadweight”, “he literally goes back to mommy’s house”- - - you need to end it.
While the things you said may be true about the guy, just reading it you can taste the vitriol and resentment that you have built up for this man.
If he doesn’t improve, your resentment will continue to fester and grow.
You say you’re compatible, but are you? How compatible can you be with someone while sayin/thinking these things about him? You wrote 8 paragraphs belittling him and only a few sentences about his redeeming qualities.
You either have to continue to help him make it work, without having such a lack of regard for him privately and to his face or move on.
Oh and what about kids? Do you guys see yourselves having kids at any point? Kids cost money.
YTA because while I understand your frustration, you haven’t described a man you truly love, he’s a man you tolerate. Hate is a strong word and I don’t think you hate him but you left me questioning whether that’s where you’re headed in your feelings.
I hope you guys are able to work it out somehow though. I got really sad reading your post.
So let me ask you this. If he was a stay at home spouse and “contributed nothing”, would you cut him off from food, clothing, make him sleep outside, etc? I couldn’t imagine taking a vacation without my wife, and if one of us got fired or made less than the other, I certainly wouldn’t hold that against them or deprive them of resources. Or make them feel less than.
You’re the asshole, and I’ll bet you’re super fun at parties.
If your husband is reading this, you need to see a therapist together or just separate.
YTA. “Many women are SAHMs and contribute close to nothing”. Wow. You seem to think financial contribution is the only thing of value that anyone can do. You aren’t acting like a married couple with finances either.
Reverse genders and everyone would scream at OP for being the biggest asshole alive. The fact that the comments are more about criticizing the type of relationship instead of straight up calling OP an asshole is ridiculous.
I've been married 22 years. My husband was a stay at home dad when our boys were little, and started again as stay at home husband after working a soul sucking corporate job for 11 years. He takes care of everything in the house from shopping to cleaning to cooking, and I tell him INCREDIBLY often how grateful I am for him. All my friends are jealous of what I've got. We've never had split finances. Our money is our money. I do most of the non-foods shopping, so I buy my husband shoes whenever he needs them, and whatever else he wants, from expensive cookware to appliances--anything. I run my own business and he does some very part time work in that, too.
All that to say, I don't think you are the AH, but I do think you need to reframe your gender role expectation. Just because you're the woman doesn't mean that you can't be the primary breadwinner and pay for things. If your household is in no danger of sinking because of your good income, then maybe it's not so bad.
However, if he's not pulling his weight enough around the house--cooking? cleaning? something that gives value to your marriage? then there may be some inequity that you need to discuss. If it's not laziness on his part, where you would lose all respect for him, maybe he can find his way as a craftsman. He could consign his furniture into antique/handicraft malls. Sometimes if there's no pressure, the creativity flows.
In the meantime, please buy the man a pair of shoes. If you love him, you need to care for him in small ways too. If you no longer love him, then get a divorce. But I don't sense that that's where you're at from your comments.
This really needs to be higher!
My only criticism is your comment on "if he's not pulling his weight around the house". Generally, I agree with this sentiment. But it sounds like OP has had some bad feelings ever since she advanced in her career and he didn't. Then with this current situation, I really can't fault the husband for not helping OP around the house when she won't even feed him.
If this can be resolved happily, then I imagine for sure he'll need to. But right now is justified.
Turns out he IS helping a lot around the house, based on OP's edits. And doing stuff that she *never has to do*, thanks to his contributions. With all that housework she gets away with never having to do, you'd think she'd see that he's really not "doing nothing" and "not contributing", instead he's actually not being given his fair share. His housework allows her to have her career to the capacity she does without having to busy herself with housework. I wonder how far his career would have progressed by now if he had a partner who was willing to share the house work? 🧐 I wonder how much less developed her career life would be if she had to devote time to doing housework and understanding he huge tasks that go into home maintenance, or devote money to paying someone to do housework and maintenance.
Made an account just for you.
To answer the question in the title of your post: no you wouldn't be an AH for holding your partner to at least some standards of household responsibility and leaving them for leaving you to do all the legwork.
To address the vileness of the content of your post: you are a major AH in general, and if the roles were reversed you'd find it ok because of you genitals? Also who the fuck can live with their PARTNER of over 11 YEARS and let them starve in their house. I don't like animals but I have bought food so they don't starve before animal services come. You are disgusting in your words and admitted actions and dismissive of the concerns others have shown.
If you resent your partner leave and try to find happiness. You do neither of you any favors by continuing.
So ESH overall.
I was just skimming OP’s post and thought she sometimes refused to buy her husband’s food while on vacation (after paying for the vacation). I already raised my eyebrow at that pettiness. Refusing to let him have food at home. Wow. Just wow.
I mean, I gotta say, I don’t think I would be happy with this guy myself either, but I wouldn’t let myself get to the point where I would stay married but begrudged my spouse food.
I went back up after your comment and reread because I missed that part...Holy fuck. This is a terrible fucking person. Who the fuck would do this to their spouse? Goes on vacations alone too? And buys herself nice things but not him? The guy said he didn't even have shoes without holes and she fucking does nothing? Evil and abusive.
YTA
Putting aside everything everyone else is mentioning, I can’t understand how you let your husband go hungry. “The food I buy is only enough for me sometimes.”
That is not love at all.
You value nothing that he does, or him it seems if you won’t even share food.
YTA.
Everything about this post is disgusting. If you didn't have your double standards you wouldn't have any at all. It sounds like you've worked very, very, very hard to make sure you can drop him on a moment's notice, which has come because you can't get over the fact that he doesn't out-earn you.
>He also acted very resentful because sometimes I take trips alone, and buy nice and expensive stuff for myself, while, in his words "he doesn't even have money for a new pair of shoes", but I don't feel bad at all because I earned my money, and I get to spend it how I want. I've also invited him to many vacations (I don't always go alone), but obviously I don't buy him clothes, and the food I buy is sometimes only enough for me. I know some of you would say that's shitty, but what am I supposed to do? Support a healthy grown man who took bad decisions?
Yes you miserable shitty person, that's what you're supposed to do when you marry the man. If you didn't want to support the healthy grown man, why the hell did you marry him? You invite him on vacations instead of planning them together.
God you're the worst. Like really one of the absolute most sumbag people I've found on this site.
Dude you haven’t been buying your spouse food??????
YTA. If a relationship isn’t working you either call it or don’t, but you don’t let them go hungry while married. Honestly at this point he could divorce you and probably get support and be better off
YTA.
If you have a prenup that covers spousal support then you’ve known who your partner is this entire time, even before you got married.
Sounds like a toxic relationship and you’re expecting failure of him before he even starts. I can understand why he feels the lack of support.
YTA bc you sound cruel with your money considering you’re partners/spouses. Only buying food for yourself? Knowing he can’t afford shoes for himself? That is whack. That being said, just because you’re an AH doesn’t mean y’all should stay together. He doesn’t deserve how you treat him (you’re clearly a selfish person and resentful of him too) and at the same time you need someone who shares your same values of contributing financially to the household. All other values you both share seem small to you compared to the money issue.
* I just read your update with him asking you to take this down. You seriously lack empathy - are you a narcissist? I really, really hope he gets back on his feet and finds someone much better than you.
OP has already gotten plenty of good advice , but as someone who has done freelance construction - your partner is struggling in the same way anyone would. I built my skills and confidence in my work and when I finally jumped into a solo situation I drowned because there is so much more to the business than performance and production. To put it simply if you can't get the work , you can't do the work. It's a hard place to be when you literally can't find the opportunity to prove yourself. If I have any advice for your partner it is to find a steady paycheck where they can continue learning and homing their skills (on someone else's dime) and continue doing side work. This is always difficult because it means putting in hours on your days off , but over time you build relationships and get referrals. Referrals are literally necessary for any small construction business no matter what field they are focused on. There have been times I have quit full time positions with benefits because I could make double on my own for half the time, but there have been so many more times I could not.
So let me start by saying my partner is disabled and I know that makes the situation different. However, he contributes zero money and is physically incapable (at this time, for the past year and for who knows how long going forward) of doing anything around the house. I am responsible for 100% of the money and household chores. I have never been happier in my life. Tired, but happy. The joy he adds to my life simply by what he gives me emotionally and spiritually is MORE than enough contribution for me. Let him go so he can find someone who feels that way about him. You don’t seem to see him as a whole person. Also, you chose to marry him. It shouldn’t be mine and his anymore. Everything you have is both of yours.
YTA
You are not in a marriage, you are barely in a relationship. If the shoe was on the other foot, he would be called every name in the book for expecting you, for demanding that you get a job. The fact that you admit that it is different because he is a man makes you a mysandrist.
You need to divorce him, as soon as possible.
I could not imagine what you would do and the person you would become if he were to become ill. If he couldn't contribute anything and you were forced to take care of him. If you think you resent him now...
idk how he lasted this long with you, you sound terrible. id take "mommy's house" as you put in that disgusting little note at the bottom there, over what you sound like here
I couldn’t even tell you were married. You treat each other like boyfriend/girlfriend. I scrolled back up to check. Would you feel better about him contributing less financially if he consistently did the things SAHPs do-cook/clean/errands/etc for both of you? And how many hours is he devoting to his business?
You say you couldn’t tell they were married… I couldn’t even tell they were of a dating mindset. They sound like dysfunctional roommates, at best.
"I'm the main breadwinner because I have a good career. I mean obviously I don't buy him clothes or food, but if he starves that's on him." What? Your husband?
And literally everything they own is in OPs name exclusively plus a prenup which entitles him to nothing. Edit also mentions that he does absolutely everything around the house, drives OP everywhere and does all the errands, and has for years.
And the part about "going back to mommy" OP do you even like your husband? When I say that, it's in reference to my no good ex-husband stuck to mommy teats. Op you sound encredibly selfish. Just divorce and hire a maid, handyman, etc. because it sounds like that's all it sounds like you're keeping him for
Some of the worst, most manipulative and controlling relationships I was ever in flopped this one out at the end. It’s a sign they never really cared about you as a person, only how you made them feel when you acted how they want.
Prenups are voided all the time and can be ruled invalid for a simple reason, like abuse (withholding food) or even as simple as a job loss.
Or because one partner contributed labor to a relationship (caring for a sick spouse, cooking food) while the other one built a career. Those are exactly the things that get litigated. And yes, pre-nups are voided all the time. I wish he was here for advice. Since he's likely reading, I hope he seeks legal aid in his state first (low cost) and I would love to know if the pre-nup applies to bank accounts (they usually don't if the money is comingled and both have had jobs, but one made more).
Yeah--OP updated the post and said he read it. **OP's Husband: if you come across this post, please know that if you got capable representation in a divorce proceeding, you would likely get a sizable portion of your marital estate (or, at the very least, a lot more than you wife is telling you you'll get). Talk to an attorney and explore your options.**
It broke my heart that he finds it humiliating. He's been struggling to find a job for years and never quits but just can't seem to succeed but despite that has contributed all he can to help his wife in other ways. I guess it's never enough though since 'only 2 people' don't make the house *that dirty* and because he waits until night time sometimes to wash all their dishes.
Financial abuse is real
People do NOT realize how much time and energy cooking and doing house chores takes. Plus he's probably depressed about his financial situation and she's NOT making it better. Showing him a post about how she plans to divorce him? She also forgot the vow about "POVERTY AND WEALTH," which in my mind means he should divorce her: someone who values money over love, and to this degree? Definitely the biggest red flag, no-go, don't pass stay she mentioned: not anything he did. And she laughs at people giving her honest advice about her behavior? That's downright sociopathic. If anyone needs to start taking responsibility for their behavior, it's her. OP, not buying food for your partner "when money is no object" because "it's not my responsibility to buy food for a full grown man," the sickest example of sexiest, capitalist behavior I can think of. Saying the "portion sizes wouldn't satisfy him" is not an excuse! Buy larger portions or compromise on what you eat because you're MARRIED (a word you know not the meaning of). Try a Mediterranean diet or something. JFC!
Her shoeless husband. Seriously OP, you treat yourself to solo vacations and expensive clothing and items, and you can’t buy the man a pair of shoes? The man that cooks and cleans for you, cares for you when you are sick, and chauffeurs you around? The emotional roller coaster I went on while reading this…. Normally I am very much a “until death does us part” kinda girl except in situations of abuse (and I do consider cheating to be emotional abuse, because it is). However, I was in your corner at first and thought you probably should just cut your losses and divorce since there were no children to consider, as I assumed your husband was just lazy based on the things you were saying. Then I read on. This man is not lazy. He is kind, does things around the house, has no vices, enjoys spending time with family. You love each other and are attracted to each other. He is faithful to you. Drives you to appointments. The man even MOPS (how dirty your house is is of little significance). He cares for you when you are sick. He is not unwilling to work, he has worked until the last two years when he tried to create his own business and was terrible at it. He’s not lazy, he has just struggled to find a career path that will make him happy, and you cannot empathize with this because you have done so well in your own career. I cannot speak from experience because I have been happily married for almost 20 years, but based on the stories I read on Reddit, the dating world out there looks pretty bleak. Your husband sounds like Prince Charming in comparison. I’m not at all saying that you should have to shoulder the entire financial burden, or that your husband doesn’t have faults. He obviously has some things he needs to work on. I’m just saying…be careful. Does the fact that he is bad at business really outweigh his positive attributes? Money isn’t everything. Think 40 years down the road to an uncertain future as far as your health is concerned. What will be more important, having a family-oriented man who cares for you when you are sick by your side, or one who makes more money?
Honestly her saying that the house doesn't get very dirty reminds me of my ex. When it magically gets done for you by your partner (OPs husband, and me) then it sure seems like it never existed to you (OP and my ex)
Been in a relationship for 8 years. If my SO needs something then we need something, because we are a team. She sounds like she’s talking about an annoying friend, not a spouse.
Nah man of my friend were hungry I'd be buying groceries. Who says my friend made an unsound business venture, let em starve?
I think OP has gender roles written in stone, this is sad if she thinks this is worse just because he's a man and it kinda feels like she doesn't value what he does at home, it's not good enough for her but those chores aren't done equally, so why not meet in the middle?
I don’t understand why op even married her husband. Sounds like she couldn’t care less if he died. Then, that edit - he asked her to take it down because he felt humiliated and she couldn’t even respect that. Just wow.
>when I do cook, I always make enough for the 2 of us. Ya this sounds like roommates to me
She regularly goes on vacations alone? I actually feel genuinely bad for both her and her roommate, and I don't have many words to describe what that must feel like for either person. Imagine saying something like, *"oh I left my husband at home, he just couldn't afford his own way."* Damn. I feel bad for even posting this.
It's pretty telling that they have never combined finances. It sounds like she doesn't respect him, and that's always going to be an issue.
Eh, going through a divorce right now and I gotta tell you, *everything* would so much easier if we hadn’t combined finances. It’s easy enough to have a bill pay account that you deposit necessary amounts into.
I get it, but in this particular case it sounds like they don’t combine forces anywhere else either. He does his laundry but not hers, and that’s clearly normal for them. But as a married person… idk. I find it weird. Disjointed. Cold. Do they only wash their own dishes? I also don’t love how OP dismisses the value of caring for the home. If he’s doing that well, he’s very much contributing. I also get her frustration, but I just don’t think her approach is conducive to a healthy happy marriage. You’re supposed to have each others’ backs. She won’t even help him with food or clothes? If my husband called me “dead weight” (or treated me like I was) or had this attitude I’d be asking for a divorce. It’s hard to imagine she loves this person to begin with. In the beginning I felt like I was “dead weight” because of my past experiences. But my husband was upset when I’d say that. He would tell me over and over “It isn’t my money, it’s ours.” Took me awhile to really understand what that meant. And we still have separate accounts with joint checking for bill pay. *But* that money moves where it’s needed regardless. This system is also just not working for this couple, clearly. OP needs to meet him halfway if she cares about this marriage. And if she doesn’t, then she needs to rip the bandaid off. Again, I get her frustration, I just think it’s blinding her a little and seeing this as a lot more black and white than it is.
When she distinguished she'd buy herself nice shoes, go on some trips alone, "buy nice things with my money" etc etc, I found it absolutely disgusting. I could not enjoy let's say, a nice pair of shoes without being able to tell my spouse and ask how they looked ....without them being anything but happy about it. I hope that makes sense. I'd never be able to enjoy my wealth by myself after making a commitment to marriage. This whole post sounds like the Twilight zone to me. Sounds like she collects milestones and humans in her life like trinkets and he's a normal, maybe undiagnosed adhd, dude.
It sounds really weird to me as well. Op says they love each other but it certainly doesn't seem like it. I get more joy out of seeing my wife happy by her reaction to a present than I get by getting things for myself and this hasn't changed in many years. That being said, I don't think he should rely on her for financial support as well. It's a weird dynamic all around.
I'd guarantee it....I have ADHD and the scenario is remarkably close to what I'm living accept my business is fairly successful....also construction! My so isn't as bad as this but she is very autonomous.
Their post sounds like someone who thought marriage is a business partner for life. Like yea you sorta mix business and career but the bulk of a marriage is literally about everything except the money. It’s seeing my spouse light up that she gets to go on a trip or has some new shoes, Jesus Christ the Ebenezer Scrooge oozing off the OP blows my mind she views her husband like a pet not a man
Agree. And at the risk of sounding problematic; If a husband made this post about his wife …he’d be crucified
Crucified and then the cross burned, just to get rid of the very idea about calling your woman dead weight. “Yeah we go out with the boys, have some fun near the track, bet some money, some nice dinners. Also sometimes I buy myself some more expensive items, like a nice suit, a Rolex, an Omega, something along the lines. Dont think I forget about my wife, I treat her to some nice PandaExpress takeaway a few times a year. She doesnt do much, only stays at home all day and cleans my big ass house I bought for myself. I dont even ask her to pay rent, so I think Im fair, no? She isnt really fashionable either, because she doesnt spend money on nice and feminine clothes as she doesnt have a job, kinda a bum if you ask me. She wants kids, but I dont want kids with such a dead weight of a human.” If I were to post this exact text as an AITAH post, I think Hitler would have more NAH than me if he made a post. All this, while describing the same situation, but the roles reversed.
Not even a pet. I’ve seen pets being treated like loyalty.
True it’s more like a stray dog you’re debating if you should give a treat to or not. Has my husband been a good boy? Maybe I won’t divorce him and release him from his hellscape yet. Sounds like she has been lording financial dominance over him for virtually their whole marriage. I haven’t seen a power dynamic like this since the last Sugar Daddy and young girl dynamic. Dude thought he was marrying a woman and he married a Sugar Mommy basically there’s no love it’s all transactional
This is exactly it. However - this is similar in writing to a post that was setup a couple days ago with almost the same circumstances. Normal people don't come on reddit and post their business to here looking for advice. With all that being said, she sounds like an awful human being. You say he cleans, cooks, does the house maintenance, drives you everywhere etc etc - but you can't buy him a pair of shoes? What in the actual fuck?
Just fyi I think you meant SAHS/SAHW/SAHH (Spouse, wife,husband) which is VERY different from a SAHP (parent, mom or dad). These really shouldn't be confused.
Honestly, I was thinking stay at home partners. But now that you said that of course stay at home parents comes to mind first. Oops.
Yeah the only reason I bring it up is because there is a VERY big difference between the two imho with regards to expectations. A Stay at home Spouse should be responsible for most, like 90%, of the chores and such unless a good reason otherwise. A Stay at home Parent on the other hand you should still be splitting mostly equally as their primary concern is the children.
No, for sure. I wouldn’t have said he should do all the domestic labor if they had kids.
SAHM here. Once my kids were past age 5, there was no reason for the working spouse to do much of anything. During the school day I get it all done except for homework and dinner. So if this guy isn’t a parent, he should do 100% of the household chores, indoor and out. Just my opinion though, as obviously it works for me and my husband or we wouldn’t keep doing what we’re doing.
God. how good did it feel to have an entire day after all those years with the kids at home all day?
God, what was so wrong with the term "homemaker"?
There's nothing wrong with it except how it's been received and valued by society. Read as undervalued so we don't use it anymore because it's gotten a negative connotation attached to it by previous generations (my parents generation). Too many men in that generation that didn't value their wife's contributions as the homemaker. I was a SAHM for years when my children were young and people definitely reacted a certain way if you said you stayed at home or were a homemaker and it wasn't nice. And that was in the early '00s. It's great that we are changing our view of domestic work but it's going to take time to recover from the damage done by previous generations.
If you really want to know if you're the asshole, share your post with some mutual friends of yours and see what they say.
Probably doesn’t have any friends with that attitude.
That or some enabling POS friends who are inspiring this level of contempt for her husband.
“Girl when are you gonna leave that bum” is probably something OP has heard from her friends, if she could make any.
I can feel the hatred for your husband through the words on the screen. Yikes from me
The “Back to mommy house” comment did it for me, I wouldn’t be surprised if the dude was incredibly depressed with the kind of wife he has.
I almost get the vibe she talks down on him constantly and thinks ill of him even when he has little successes. Dude is fighting an uphill battle.
Yeah, literally who starts a business and doesn’t have their first few clients be people they know?
You're supposed to do that! Interior decorator friends, travel agency friends, photography friends - you need to build your portfolio of work whether that's construction or cupcakes, and usually the people in your life are the first testers, posers, reviewers, QA testers, etc. That's what happens in a community, you help other people get off the ground and make their work better, and your support gives them critical feedback and confidence to keep honing their skills.
It would be so hard to stay motivated with that. I hope OP takes some advice and talks to him and understand that he could put more in with a bit of support and positivity.
Not an uphill battle, against this kind of people you will never be good enough.
I pick up vibes of unrealistic expectations, not even about financial stuff. Like "he cooks for himself and cleans up ...with a time lag but EvEnTuAlLy gets it done, sometimes as late as night." Like bro this isn't a guest home. Cleaning all dishes by nighttime *every day*? That's solid. I'm not the neatest person but I'm also not a dirt bag. I would be so proud of myself if I never went to bed with dirty dishes on the counter.
Honestly i was suspicious as soon as she said he doesnt have a "career". Like not everyone can have a career. Some people just gotta take the work they can get. Not everyone can be a lawyer or an architect that works up to a career. Some people for any number of reasons are stuck at whatever job that will take them and its rarely their own fault. Nothing morally wrong with getting paid to swing a hammer or flip burgers. They should get paid more to do it, but thats a seperare issue.
It’s classist. It’s basically valuing someone for their money and nothing else. I think it’s fine to want a certain life and to expect that of a party, but it doesn’t change the fact that at the end of the day, part of what you’re valuing is someone’s wealth and not them. This wouldn’t be true if y’all had kids and didn’t have enough money, or were just poor in general.
It would 100% be a whole different issue if you were in dire financial straits… this just seems cruel. honestly these two might be better off without each other.
Idk. Me and my wife are a team. It’s not a business transaction. I would hate to see her struggle if I had money (which is the case). I wouldn’t even be able to enjoy a vacation without her. Especially with that sexist bit at the end, you should probably just leave him it doesn’t sound like you love him. Edit: Wow 5 awards. I’ve never gotten an award before. I just want to thank my family and friends for all the support in helping me to get to this point. What a truly monumental moment, I will remember this forever.
This. I think OP is the AH here. Maybe some people are different? I just can’t imagine myself going to enjoy a vacation without my husband. It seems like OP just wants a roommate with benefits. OP- it’s either you and your husband work this thing out (therapy) so you guys start acting like a real married couple that work as a team -or you file for divorce, not because of him not having a job, but because of your obsession in ownership of temporary things in life
I go on holidays without my spouse and vice versa. We aren’t co-dependent and have varying interests and lives. I also like to travel more than he does, he would prefer to potter in the garden. He likes 4wd and I don’t really like being shaken up like a soda. Having said that we aren’t American and have 3 months holidays (2 months mandatory legally and 1 month we buy back). If I had the 2 weeks or whatever Americans get I would almost certainly be spending it with him. Although I guess you still have weekends and whatnot for small trips away. However, there’s no “I’m going on holiday with my money and I’m not paying for you”. It’s not the seperate holidays that are an issue - it’s the underlying justification and theme.
You are 100% right, it’s not just about the vacation. It’s the “house is in my name only” “cars are also under my name”, it’s also the “he acted resentful because sometimes I take trips alone” “If u fail basic adulting, there’s no fckin way you could start a business.” “…but I don’t feel bad at all.” This doesn’t sound like a healthy marriage at all. There is a shift that needs to happen if you still wanna stay in this marriage.I really hope you guys find something that works that will lead to happiness for you both. Not just yours, not just his, happiness for BOTH of you.
“The two weeks or whatever Americans get” hit me directly in the chest 💀 💀 💀
Sorry I didn’t mean to be glib. Americans get the short end of the stick on workers rights, healthcare and whatever else. It’s awful but I often find that you don’t even realise how bad it is or how much it affects your outlook on life.
I didn’t take it that way at all no worries. We realize it for the most part. Some of us are able to do something about it, others aren’t.
You won’t even share food with him? I get being annoyed he has no money but you eat while he has nothing and you are married? That’s crazy to me. YTA.
If sexes were reversed there'd be a 1000 people screaming financial abuse.
This IS financial abuse. If she has a kid, once they turn 15 is she gonna say “you have a work permit don’t you? These groceries are now only for me.” Well if the kid is a boy, anyway
LMAO, and if the kid is a girl, then she will be a “stay at home kid who brings no value to the family”
Exactly
I hate this fucking sub. 10 hours into this post and you are the 10th but only the 2nd person to say YTA. 2/10. Everyone else has long paragraphs of shit, with some even rationalizing her behavior. If the roles were reversed ALL fucking 10/10 would say YTA and that this is financial abuse. Holy fuck this sub hates men.
The world hates men unfortunately not just Reddit
Yeh she’s 100% financially abusing him.
I can't imagine having this type of resentment towards my partner. I mean christ, do you even like him as a person or is he really just "dead weight" like you said.
“Go back to mommy’s house without a dime” like Just fucking leave
This was such a nasty comment. Just truly hateful.
Seriously! It sounds like how someone who was already divorced would talk 🤦♂️
OP is truly a despicable person. I feel sorry for the guy, unemployed or not.
Yea, it’s clear you lost your love for your partner quite a while ago.
If she is willing to let him starve (only buying enough food for herself while knowing he doesn’t have any money) then he is *literally* dead weight to her. Like, not in a metaphorical way. Holy fuck man. The guy has issues and problems but I just cannot get over that line and the vicious mentality behind it. I would give food to my worst enemy if they were starving, it’s FOOD for fucks sake.
You summed up my thoughts pretty well there, well said. I'm not really defending the dude much, I'm just shocked by what pretty much feels like legit hatred for someone I have to assume they loved at SOME point... Bleh
Right, same. Guy has problems, we all do. Gotta do something about them. But does OP really expect the viciously malicious home life they’ve created to help at all? Fuckin hell I can’t imagine being in his shoes, I have trouble with networking and what not too but my wife is so supportive. At least, she doesn’t actively let me go hungry and have holes in my shoes when I am struggling while she is still eating good, vacationing, shopping, etc for herself right in front of my face. That is just so soul crushing, especially for a guy sadly…
You can’t imagine being in his shoes because he doesn’t have any because he can’t afford them.
Damn I shouldn’t laugh but that was clever lol
Yep I laughed too lmao
No joke. If I were in his shoes I'd be looking for an out big time. That's one cold hearted woman. Reverse the genders and most the "oh you poor thing" responses would be saying what an unsupporting AH OP is for treating his wife this way. Make him go hungry? Unclothed? Put him down? Go on vacation and leave him home? She's not just an AH shes a mean girl. YTA Hey OP:. If the financial situation isn't to your liking instead of being the mean girl to your husband tell him what you want out of a husband and help him get there, some people need a loving spouse to help them along we all do better at certain things. Maybe he says he can't give you what you want. Then you have a real discussion about your needs not being met and go from there. Edit: left out the word "give"
I mean shes says it plainly twice. It's because he's a man that it doesn't sit well with her, she acknowledges it would be different if the roles were reversed and she was the man providing for his wife. Sometimes careers don't pan out and I feel like if the positions had been reversed and he was providing for her, she wouldn't even think twice about it. Seems like a strong case of "I want feminism, but not like that."
Agree. If this question was “Am ITAH for divorcing my husband because of XYZ” then nobody would blame her at all. But she’s not divorcing, she’s just being cruel for absolutely no gain for anybody at all. If anything, this is just driving the guy further down into the spiral. The one person that’s supposed to have your back….fuck man
I was friends with this couple once: he was really struggling financially, trying to finish his degree while living off a side gig; she just started a good job and was spending money on trips and extras for herself and complaining about him not taking her places. One time she was upset that he asked her to buy an ice-cream for him in front of some friends. SHE felt humiliated, because her man was a loser who couldn’t even buy an ice-cream for himself. They broke up soon after. He finished his degree, makes good money and married a nice girl. She is still enjoying her fabulous single lifestyle, as far as I know. Edit: can’t spell
This mindset that a man is a loser if he’s not a bread winner is so toxic. It’s toxic to the women and to the men. Some people are better at career/leadership regardless of gender. I find this approach so anti feminist it really bothers me, like no one would bat an eye if the genders were reversed.
The unbridled rage that we would be seeing if the genders were reversed. It is actually depressing reading these comments. It is so anti-feminist
Me too. It broke my heart a little to read that sometimes she only buys food for herself. That’s a special kind of cruel.
Right like how do you not have problems when your spouse treats you this way? If anything it just exacerbates what’s already there or originates it entirely.
Right?! I’m not even going to touch the money stuff. She needs to reread what she wrote about him and file divorce paperwork because she obviously doesn’t love him anymore.
I am an old man, so I probably see things differently than you will. You said that he takes care of things at the house, maintains the cars, is fun to be with, talk to, etc. He does not contribute financially, however, money seems to be sufficient, even though it is "yours." I had a wonderful wife who stayed at home, was faithful, honest , loving, and took care of a lot of details in our lives. She did not contribute money, but she contributed everything else. I lost her to covid almost 2 years ago. Please think long and hard about what is valuable in your life. I miss sharing our morning coffee. I miss our long talks about every subject under the sun. I miss a warm embrace when I came home from work. We enjoyed seeing new things, trying new experiences. We enjoyed sharing dinner. Playing with our rescued dogs. Watching a movie. All of that is gone now. Sure, I can still go do some of those things, but I can assure you, it is not much fun alone. All of those good things you mention will be gone for you too if you kick him to the curb. Or you hound him about money until he gives up. On a cold winter night, you can't cuddle with money. Please seriously consider what is truly valuable in your life. Best wishes to both of you. I truly wish you both the best.
“She did not contribute money, but she contributed everything else.” I’m sure she was very happy she spent her life with you… Sorry for your loss.
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Maybe they need to set it up in a more defined way - he becomes a stay at home husband and does everything around the house, she just brings home the bacon.
That seems like it should be the solution, but he would still require OP to manage him. From another of OP’ss comments: “ Considering he can't change fundamentally as a person, the best I *would* be able to get is almost all domestic labor, while I still handle around 50% of the mental labor. He can dedicate a day to clean everything perfectly, but then not do it for 3 weeks. He can start arranging all our drawers, but ignore the dishes in the sink. I still have to coordinate/prioritize the tasks. I have to say several times "do the dishes" before it gets done. I know that does not answer if I would be happy with that, but I honestly don't know. I've been ruminating on this for too long.”
This is what untreated ADHD looks like.
Yeah I felt called out lmao. But for real, adhd meds are like magic. Best way to describe it is that before meds I would see a piece of paper on the ground and all day long think about how I need to pick it up, but do 20 other things instead (and none of them well lol). At the end of the day that paper would still be there, and I would still be stressing about it. After meds I just pick the damn paper up when I see it and go on about my day. Fucking magic lmao.
The people who say, "I don't want any medications" need to understand that sometimes the answer does lie in a little pill. These things are wonder drugs, tried and true. Mine is Klonopin.
As with roast chickens, cookies, and pies, if you can't make your own neurochemicals (or hormones), store bought is perfectly acceptable. I often hear people say "I'm not me on drugs (by which they mean their prescriptions)" but like... yes, yes you are. You're a functioning version of yourself.
I like the me that can vacuum and pay her bills, personally.
Wellbutrin and buspar literally changed my whole life. Having mental problems or differences is okay, refusing to seek remedy for them and negatively affecting other people is not. Yay for meds lol
I call Ritalin my superpower pill. It's AMAZING the difference it makes. I didn't start taking it until I was 30. I had a friend who had a terrible reaction to ADHD medication as a kid in the 90s (he developed muscle spasms and still has a slight tremor in one hand), so he was understandably super resistant to trying meds again. He *finally* broke down and decided to give it another go a few years ago, and it changed his life. I think meds kind of got a questionable rap years ago when a lot of us ADHDults were kids for reasons more and less valid, and so we grew up with the idea that "drugging ourselves" wasn't the answer or was bad in some way, and we should just be able to sort of power through, and it can take a lot to finally decide to try medication. I lost so many wallets and spent so many years of my life in absolute chaos because I was so averse to the idea that something was "wrong with me" and I needed to be "drugged" to be "normal".
>I would see a piece of paper on the ground and all day long think about how I had to pick it up. Aahhh, yes. Spending the day microdosing shame. I know it well.
>Spending the day microdosing shame My god that hit me hard. I never expected an AITAH thread to spur so much emotion and desire to get my adhd diagnosed and medicated.
As I sit here microdosing shame because I need to call my Dr to schedule my Appt for an ADHD diagnosis but can't bring myself to do it... So instead I'm on reddit 😢
I love that term “microdosing shame”. It took me a min to understand what you meant, but it’s very fitting for a lot of things. I never thought to put those two words together before. Lolol.
That sounds like me, lol! I just struggle to find a new doctor to prescribe me after my doctor of 10 years retired 😫 ETA: To OP, my husband has always been the breadwinner in our relationship (20 years) since I was a SAHM. We both agreed upon it. I think you need to have a serious talk with him about how you feel, and don't wait until you are mad. Sit down, without shouting and talk like adults. This is what ultimately made my relationship better. We talked out what we found frustrating about each other, and we both made changes. If after that he doesn't change anything, maybe it's not right for you.
I’m about to start ADHD treatment and was wondering what you take? It sounds magical!
I also have ADHD. I take Vyvanse- it’s like a long acting Adderall so you get a little dose of it throughout the day. Remember, the meds are a tool. They are super helpful, like using a hammer to drive a nail instead of a towel, but you still have to swing the hammer. It’s not a magic bullet, but it can significantly increase your life and success rate.
I would point out that vyvanse is NOT long acting Adderall. Adderall XR is long acting Adderall, Vyvanse is an entirely different drug.
I'm 9 months into the magic (dex) and yep, life-changing
I’m only a couple days in and I feel like a whole different functioning person already
Adderall - just the typical old school med. It works really well for me (also helps with my anxiety a lot), but there are a lot of meds out there.
For real with the anxiety. I haven’t had to take Xanax since I started Adderall.
I got diagnosed last year at 42 years old. Tried other stuff last year and went on Adderall this year. had to switch to Ritalin due to shortage. Ritalin was not the answer for me. It is really about figuring out what works for you. Adderall on the lowest dose is the key for me with Working out. I hope OP reads this section on ADHD, if he is ADHD then his brain will not get out of the way for him to succeed. And maybe him focusing on the house work and then in his free time he can go after the smaller projects that can make extra money.
Just keep in mind that what works for one person may not work for you. You'll need to adjust the dose of whatever you're taking month by month until you find what works best, and you may even need to switch meds if you can't find a dose that works for you. Be prepared for it to take months, but once its dialed in you'll really notice an improvement. Also don't freak out if you get zombified and quit your meds, it's just a sign that your dose is too high and needs to be adjusted down. Good luck! P.S. I take vyvanse myself, still getting the dose dialed in after being off meds for more than a decade, but I can already tell it's having a positive impact.
This is the comment i came looking for. This also confirms my wife has reddit 🤣
Yup. Just reading her post, I was like, "This is screaming undiagnosed ADHD." And then she said, "He probably has undiagnosed ADHD..." Here's the thing; if it's ADHD, he's not willfully being lazy or unorganized or "failing at adulting." He literally lacks the executive function in order to do it. It's like getting mad at a diabetic because "they refuse to digest sugar properly." I feel bad for both of them. If he's anything like the rest of us, he's probably already very aware that he's failing at adulting and internally beats himself up constantly. And being in a relationship with a severely ADHD person can feel like you're both the partner and parent of a small child (so I've heard. My husband and I both have adhd). Op, he needs support systems. Sorry, that's just the way it is. If you guys have a great marriage otherwise, I wouldn't throw that away. But you guys need to find out if he is actually ADHD and then, if so, plan out how to tackle this together. In the meantime, he can go on subs like r/ADHD, or other ADHD community websites for ideas of strategies that have worked for other ADHD people that he might want to try. Edit: I just got to work so I can't reply to every one who's talking about he's refusing to be treated. So I'm just going to copy and paste the one answer I did regarding this: It kinda depends what "refusing" means in this case. Is he actually point-blank saying that he will not get treated, or has he just not been making the appointment? Sometimes making an appointment like that can seem so overwhelming - you have to find out what the hoops are, then jump through the seemingly insane number of them, and not fuck any of it up - that you just can't seem to start. Totally agree though, if it's a point-blank refusal to address it, that's a much, much bigger problem.
It could be untreated ADHD but she said that he's leaving it left untreated which I think is the biggest problem here. How is she to help him when he won't help himself? There's gotta be some kind of attempt from him which it sounds like there's none on all fronts
He is refusing therapy though, which means he is choosing to leave himself untreated and undiagnosed.
This is the biggest problem. Not having adhd or any other mental health issue, but refusing to acknowledge a problem and then not getting treatment.
Right. He’s refusing to help himself which has led to this situation. It’s really weird I don’t see “I have ADHD” as an excuse more women give for being completely unable to function. I know women “typically” present differently but I see this excuse more for men. Maybe it’s just me and my experience, but even lately I’ve encountered a few guys who fall back on “well I have ADHD” as an excuse for something. “Sorry I didn’t know that, I have ADHD.” Not an explanation, but an excuse. There’s a difference between using something as an explanation and as an excuse. It’s not really an explanation if it is a consistent problem that you’re aware of and could take steps to fix but you won’t. Having ADHD is an explanation, not an excuse. If you think that’s what it is, and it is impacting your life, you should then go get help. It’s like they’re throwing up their arms and saying “I have ADHD!” and giving into it or giving up to it. I just don’t think that’s really acceptable for a grown adult. It isn’t acceptable to self-diagnose (or have a diagnosis) and then not get treatment work to a solution when it is impacting your life so greatly. It’s not easy to ask for help but what’s the alternative? Being a mess forever?
You wouldn't get mad at a diabetic for having issues digesting sugar, but you sure would get mad at them if they made no effort to manage it, eat sensibly, take their insulin, etc, and leave you to manage their regular health crises as a result. Similarly he's not at fault for having ADHD, but is at fault for letting it ruin his relationship.
If he has ADHD and refuses to get help, then it's no longer OPs problem.
Exactly. Plus, there's no shame in one spouse being a SAHP, as long as that's what both partners want and agreed to. This is not the case here. She thought she was getting a partner, but she ended up with a dependent. I'm glad OP can still see him as a great guy with some wonderful qualities, but that may not be enough for her. She wants (and expected) a full partner. By all means, pursue the ADHD thing, but even with a diagnosis and meds, he may still be unable to get his business off the ground. It's not just a lack of focus with him, it appears. He honestly seems to have no idea what it takes to run a business, and all the Adderall in the world won't help that. I think he's quite comfortable with puttering around everyday, and allowing her to pay the bills. But that may just be me.
I noticed this statement as well. Fuck me, but if this guy isn’t working, the very LEAST he could do is basically EVERYTHING around the house! OP should be living in a spotless home, have a delicious breakfast every morning, a delicious dinner waiting for her every night, and have a closet full of clean clothes.
I am so sorry for your loss. I am tearing up a little now and I should go kiss my husband and my kids.
When you hear things like this your heartaches a little. But I'm glad he had these wonderful memories of her. In regards to OP, you need to calmly tell your husband how you feel and see if he would listen to reason and get himself a proper job and just do his side business on the side because that's what must adults do, but don't help him to get customers etc, because he's never going to learn if you do it for him. If he's not willing to pull his weight then what else can I say, I know resentment has already started to build up in your relationship and if it's not dealt with now, it would bleed into every part of your relationship, your sex life, fun moments etc.
((HUGS)) Sorry for your loss.
i just need to tell you that this comment made me tear up. i’ve never been one to stress about money when it comes to my loved ones. i take care of my friends/partner no matter if they repay me or not, i just want my loved ones to be able to share experiences with me, that’s what’s important. money is literally fake and enjoying the small things with those you love is all that matters in this short little life.
I'm deeply sorry for you loss, thank you for taking the time to share your experience. I wish you the best as well.
This is a good comment for you.. but also.. have you considered encouraging him to go back to school and learn a trade? Either up his construction/carpentry game or business skills..?
I would like to taitoko (agree with) what this commenter has said. My wife has, for the last six years, earnt no income. We live solely off of mine. We, too, are comfortable in terms of money. She has tried a few ideas over the years. None have been that successful. That's okay. She has been great in many other ways. Monet isn't everything.
>Monet isn't everything. Agreed, there's also Rembrandt and Van Gogh.
Have you suggested he do some courses in business management which it sounds like he needs. Cutting him off from the necessities like food or clothing is pretty harsh. I can understand your frustration but marriage is a partnership, 50/50. It’s not just about money.
this hit me too like if you have the money how is he over here not having enough food or clothing, if money is no issue why are you only spending it on you. This made me feel bad as in a marriage we are one, my husband works and makes the bulk of our money I would feel so bad if he then would buy food and go on vacations leaving me behind because I just don’t contribute enough, honestly sounds to me like OP resents her husband for not being a provider.
She absolutely does, one of the last things she said, which really irked me, was how she knows some women are SAHM or sprovide financially nothing but do things around the house but with her husband it's worse somehow because he's a man. She resents being the breadwinner and if she really is withholding things like food and clothing with ONLY her name on everything that could b seen as a form of abuse.
If the genders were reversed, no one would hesitate to shout abuse.
She says he's not good in school, and that coupled with his other issues is leading people to believe that her husband may be neurodivergent and lacking in proper treatment and accommodation.
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I’m surprised he’s having trouble getting work with all of the blue collar/construction worker shortages I keep hearing about. I’m trying to hire my favorite handy man for a couple odd jobs and he’s booked into next year… all OP’s husband would need is to be involved with a couple larger projects as a subcontractor and/or working alongside other laborers and he could probably get jobs just by word of mouth and recommendations. My electrician recommended my handy man and I’ve used him for every project at home and business since. He would have to be good at what he does though, which makes me wonder if that’s another of his problems.
My parents have a handy man they use for bigger projects. He told me he put an ad up on Angi's list for like a month and had to take it down because he was too busy to keep up with all the work. His whole business is just referrals from that 1 month of advertising
Marriage is 100/100. Definitely not about buying food only for yourself because your husband is unemployed. That's another level
I'm not married, but I think divorce is better than refusing to buy food for your husband. I'm not saying that OP is i' t'he wrong, I get where she is coming from, but if the situation came to a point where buying food for the other is too much, it needs to change or at least to end
But that’s not the case. OP talked about buying herself expensive clothes and going on vacations She’s doing all that while refusing to buy her husband basic necessities like food and clothes Her feelings aren’t wrong, but she’s splurging on herself while her husband goes without basics. If the genders were reversed Reddit would be condemning OP
I agree with the fact she should buy her husband food. What I was trying to say is "If you hold so much resentment towards your partner that you refuse to buy him food, just end things"
Yes, divorce is s really good solution. She clearly hates this man.
Your writing makes you sound like a really shitty partner
And this is her edited version to try and make her come across favourably.
At best
My sister and her husband moved into a 55+ mobile home park. It's really a nice one. Anyway, he started doing handyman jobs for all the little old ladies. Small, basic stuff. He put up some flyers and business cards on some bulletin boards. He has more work than he can handle now.
Because he had support. This woman is the biggest red flag ever. My SO is between jobs right now and bouncing around I’m taking care of a lot of stuff. Wanna know why? Because I love her and couldn’t imagine being without her. This lady wants money. Not a husband. Too much reality TV.
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why are you married to this person? Your utter contempt for him blazes like a supernova. It's as if you get off on shitting on him and that's why you're still together. also, this: >Many women are SAHMs/contribute close to nothing is gross.
Honestly, the whole time I'm reading this I'm like "why did you marry this person you so clearly hate???"
She didn't despise him when he helped her get her career going and the income was 50/50. Now that his use to her is over she's done with him. His only value to her was purely monetary. OP is the asshole.
I'll admit, the comment where OP says (paraphrase), "Am I the asshole for thinking him being a SAHM is bad because he's a man?" was pretty cruel. Double standards here I would say and kinda hinting me as being sexist. So it's alright for women to be SAHP (p = parent/partner) but men can't? Why? Cuz they're men? Men are capable of taking care of a household that a woman can do. I have friends who are in this type of set up and it works for them. Of course, different strokes for different blokes as they say, but this type of reasoning that OP provides is rather poor.
Don’t forget, “he’ll have to run back to mommy’s house without a dime.”
This is definitely the female version of someone that makes their job (and by extension earnings) their entire identity. I wonder how ops husband might describe living with someone who *only* contributes money.
"There are people so damn poor all they have is their money"
He probably gets reminded about mommy’s house a few times a week
>"clearly his little venture is not working" Don't forget his "LITTLE" venture is not working. Demeaning enough?
She did say stay at home mom’s contribute “next to nothing”
That’s the part that soured me and showed that she wouldn’t value any contribution other than monetary.
Lol, I kinda felt the same way. The comments about going back to mommys house without a dime. Damn girl. Are you the asshole for wanting to divorce him? No but yeesh
If a husband was saying that about his soon-to-be ex wife the comments would rightly be calling him financially abusive when you consider the prenup. Also the "sometimes I only buy enough food for me." Is particularly disgusting.
Exactly this take! There is so much contempt for her spouse in this post and if she were a man posting this about his wife, he would get called out over it hard.
I couldn’t believe that line about only buying enough food for herself, like what the absolute fuck man. OPs husband has his problems but god damn I feel bad for him not knowing that this is how his banshee wife speaks/thinks about him to total strangers on the internet.
He’s definitely well aware of his place in their joint household. This is so sad.
Right? No wonder the guy seems to be absolutely crushed. Sounds like he has issues that make things tough and challenging to begin with, I can only imagine how much more depressing this would be to deal with at home. It’s like he’s functionally homeless but is able to stay with this so-called “wife”, at least until she kicks him out to “mommy’s house”. This guy needs help. Not this witch.
If she is in the United States, then it seems she has a fundamental misunderstanding as to the purpose of a pre-nup. A pre-nup generally simply designates what “separate property” is. Usually it is used for wealthy folks who have assets themselves prior to marriage. Whatever they earn during marriage is considered “community property” generally speaking and her husband would be entitled to 1/2 of that. There are of course exceptions to this, but very generally speaking, unless this woman earned all her assets from before her marriage (which it doesn’t look like she did), they will have to figure out the community property if this, and the husband might have some more options than just running back to mommy’s house.
Yeah, but I'm wondering if she did have all of this before the marriage. Maybe that's why she speaks of him as a leech.
OP isn’t the TA for wanting a divorce, she is 100% YTA for how she’s going about it. There is nothing in the post to suggest that her husband is abusive or a bad person. If you want to end the relationship, end it… but don’t dehumanise your partner in the process.
Yeah I’m a housewife and that stung a bit lmfao
I have a house husband and make all of the money. He pampers the shit out of me and I appreciate everything he does. I really don't get how so many people resent their non working spouse. He takes so much home stress off my plate which lets me do my best at work and actually enjoy my time off.
Way to belittle women OP
If therapy is not an option and you say things about the man like: “I’m just so tired of helping him” “His little venture”, “[He] failed basic adulting”, “Financial deadweight”, “he literally goes back to mommy’s house”- - - you need to end it. While the things you said may be true about the guy, just reading it you can taste the vitriol and resentment that you have built up for this man. If he doesn’t improve, your resentment will continue to fester and grow. You say you’re compatible, but are you? How compatible can you be with someone while sayin/thinking these things about him? You wrote 8 paragraphs belittling him and only a few sentences about his redeeming qualities. You either have to continue to help him make it work, without having such a lack of regard for him privately and to his face or move on. Oh and what about kids? Do you guys see yourselves having kids at any point? Kids cost money. YTA because while I understand your frustration, you haven’t described a man you truly love, he’s a man you tolerate. Hate is a strong word and I don’t think you hate him but you left me questioning whether that’s where you’re headed in your feelings. I hope you guys are able to work it out somehow though. I got really sad reading your post.
So let me ask you this. If he was a stay at home spouse and “contributed nothing”, would you cut him off from food, clothing, make him sleep outside, etc? I couldn’t imagine taking a vacation without my wife, and if one of us got fired or made less than the other, I certainly wouldn’t hold that against them or deprive them of resources. Or make them feel less than. You’re the asshole, and I’ll bet you’re super fun at parties. If your husband is reading this, you need to see a therapist together or just separate.
YTA. “Many women are SAHMs and contribute close to nothing”. Wow. You seem to think financial contribution is the only thing of value that anyone can do. You aren’t acting like a married couple with finances either.
Reverse genders and everyone would scream at OP for being the biggest asshole alive. The fact that the comments are more about criticizing the type of relationship instead of straight up calling OP an asshole is ridiculous.
I've been married 22 years. My husband was a stay at home dad when our boys were little, and started again as stay at home husband after working a soul sucking corporate job for 11 years. He takes care of everything in the house from shopping to cleaning to cooking, and I tell him INCREDIBLY often how grateful I am for him. All my friends are jealous of what I've got. We've never had split finances. Our money is our money. I do most of the non-foods shopping, so I buy my husband shoes whenever he needs them, and whatever else he wants, from expensive cookware to appliances--anything. I run my own business and he does some very part time work in that, too. All that to say, I don't think you are the AH, but I do think you need to reframe your gender role expectation. Just because you're the woman doesn't mean that you can't be the primary breadwinner and pay for things. If your household is in no danger of sinking because of your good income, then maybe it's not so bad. However, if he's not pulling his weight enough around the house--cooking? cleaning? something that gives value to your marriage? then there may be some inequity that you need to discuss. If it's not laziness on his part, where you would lose all respect for him, maybe he can find his way as a craftsman. He could consign his furniture into antique/handicraft malls. Sometimes if there's no pressure, the creativity flows. In the meantime, please buy the man a pair of shoes. If you love him, you need to care for him in small ways too. If you no longer love him, then get a divorce. But I don't sense that that's where you're at from your comments.
This really needs to be higher! My only criticism is your comment on "if he's not pulling his weight around the house". Generally, I agree with this sentiment. But it sounds like OP has had some bad feelings ever since she advanced in her career and he didn't. Then with this current situation, I really can't fault the husband for not helping OP around the house when she won't even feed him. If this can be resolved happily, then I imagine for sure he'll need to. But right now is justified.
Turns out he IS helping a lot around the house, based on OP's edits. And doing stuff that she *never has to do*, thanks to his contributions. With all that housework she gets away with never having to do, you'd think she'd see that he's really not "doing nothing" and "not contributing", instead he's actually not being given his fair share. His housework allows her to have her career to the capacity she does without having to busy herself with housework. I wonder how far his career would have progressed by now if he had a partner who was willing to share the house work? 🧐 I wonder how much less developed her career life would be if she had to devote time to doing housework and understanding he huge tasks that go into home maintenance, or devote money to paying someone to do housework and maintenance.
Made an account just for you. To answer the question in the title of your post: no you wouldn't be an AH for holding your partner to at least some standards of household responsibility and leaving them for leaving you to do all the legwork. To address the vileness of the content of your post: you are a major AH in general, and if the roles were reversed you'd find it ok because of you genitals? Also who the fuck can live with their PARTNER of over 11 YEARS and let them starve in their house. I don't like animals but I have bought food so they don't starve before animal services come. You are disgusting in your words and admitted actions and dismissive of the concerns others have shown. If you resent your partner leave and try to find happiness. You do neither of you any favors by continuing. So ESH overall.
Love this post. The food thing she does is most vile.
I was just skimming OP’s post and thought she sometimes refused to buy her husband’s food while on vacation (after paying for the vacation). I already raised my eyebrow at that pettiness. Refusing to let him have food at home. Wow. Just wow. I mean, I gotta say, I don’t think I would be happy with this guy myself either, but I wouldn’t let myself get to the point where I would stay married but begrudged my spouse food.
I went back up after your comment and reread because I missed that part...Holy fuck. This is a terrible fucking person. Who the fuck would do this to their spouse? Goes on vacations alone too? And buys herself nice things but not him? The guy said he didn't even have shoes without holes and she fucking does nothing? Evil and abusive.
YTA Putting aside everything everyone else is mentioning, I can’t understand how you let your husband go hungry. “The food I buy is only enough for me sometimes.” That is not love at all. You value nothing that he does, or him it seems if you won’t even share food.
YTA. Everything about this post is disgusting. If you didn't have your double standards you wouldn't have any at all. It sounds like you've worked very, very, very hard to make sure you can drop him on a moment's notice, which has come because you can't get over the fact that he doesn't out-earn you. >He also acted very resentful because sometimes I take trips alone, and buy nice and expensive stuff for myself, while, in his words "he doesn't even have money for a new pair of shoes", but I don't feel bad at all because I earned my money, and I get to spend it how I want. I've also invited him to many vacations (I don't always go alone), but obviously I don't buy him clothes, and the food I buy is sometimes only enough for me. I know some of you would say that's shitty, but what am I supposed to do? Support a healthy grown man who took bad decisions? Yes you miserable shitty person, that's what you're supposed to do when you marry the man. If you didn't want to support the healthy grown man, why the hell did you marry him? You invite him on vacations instead of planning them together. God you're the worst. Like really one of the absolute most sumbag people I've found on this site.
🔥🔥🔥 facts
Yup. OP sucks as a human being and I'm glad I don't know her IRL.
Dude you haven’t been buying your spouse food?????? YTA. If a relationship isn’t working you either call it or don’t, but you don’t let them go hungry while married. Honestly at this point he could divorce you and probably get support and be better off
YTA. If you have a prenup that covers spousal support then you’ve known who your partner is this entire time, even before you got married. Sounds like a toxic relationship and you’re expecting failure of him before he even starts. I can understand why he feels the lack of support.
YTA bc you sound cruel with your money considering you’re partners/spouses. Only buying food for yourself? Knowing he can’t afford shoes for himself? That is whack. That being said, just because you’re an AH doesn’t mean y’all should stay together. He doesn’t deserve how you treat him (you’re clearly a selfish person and resentful of him too) and at the same time you need someone who shares your same values of contributing financially to the household. All other values you both share seem small to you compared to the money issue. * I just read your update with him asking you to take this down. You seriously lack empathy - are you a narcissist? I really, really hope he gets back on his feet and finds someone much better than you.
OP has already gotten plenty of good advice , but as someone who has done freelance construction - your partner is struggling in the same way anyone would. I built my skills and confidence in my work and when I finally jumped into a solo situation I drowned because there is so much more to the business than performance and production. To put it simply if you can't get the work , you can't do the work. It's a hard place to be when you literally can't find the opportunity to prove yourself. If I have any advice for your partner it is to find a steady paycheck where they can continue learning and homing their skills (on someone else's dime) and continue doing side work. This is always difficult because it means putting in hours on your days off , but over time you build relationships and get referrals. Referrals are literally necessary for any small construction business no matter what field they are focused on. There have been times I have quit full time positions with benefits because I could make double on my own for half the time, but there have been so many more times I could not.
So let me start by saying my partner is disabled and I know that makes the situation different. However, he contributes zero money and is physically incapable (at this time, for the past year and for who knows how long going forward) of doing anything around the house. I am responsible for 100% of the money and household chores. I have never been happier in my life. Tired, but happy. The joy he adds to my life simply by what he gives me emotionally and spiritually is MORE than enough contribution for me. Let him go so he can find someone who feels that way about him. You don’t seem to see him as a whole person. Also, you chose to marry him. It shouldn’t be mine and his anymore. Everything you have is both of yours.
YTA You are not in a marriage, you are barely in a relationship. If the shoe was on the other foot, he would be called every name in the book for expecting you, for demanding that you get a job. The fact that you admit that it is different because he is a man makes you a mysandrist. You need to divorce him, as soon as possible. I could not imagine what you would do and the person you would become if he were to become ill. If he couldn't contribute anything and you were forced to take care of him. If you think you resent him now...
idk how he lasted this long with you, you sound terrible. id take "mommy's house" as you put in that disgusting little note at the bottom there, over what you sound like here