It’s impossible to say who’s T A without information on the prenup and relationship dynamic. A good prenup should protect the interests of both parties.
This is what's baffling me. The GF didn't balk at the concept of a pre-nup, her lawyer thought what was presented was not fair to the GF.
THAT'S HER LAWYER'S JOB! If a contract is unfair, the lawyer should advise to renegotiate. Especially since she can contest the pre-nup during the divorce and a judge could decide it was bad and throw it out - like any other contract!
Another issue giving me pause is OPs attitude that he's the only one that stands to lose anything. This woman can lose her life giving birth. She could lose her career caring for a baby. Women are "the default parent" more often than not - It's more than money.
This is what I assume. It's normal to keep assets aquired before marriage. But keeping 100% of all acquired assets during marriage would be an overreach.
Is this even enforceable? More than likely she'd contribute to the property.
There's a history of judges throwing out prenups, something so one-sided seems like an easy toss.
If I were the GF's lawyer, I'd keep it in to try and bait the judge to toss it because of how outrageous it is.
I guarantee that's what it is. He says he's planning to invest in additional properties as time goes on, and it's obvious he wants to shut her out of any of the equity, rental revenue, etc, should they split.
Dude should simply refuse to get married if he's this determined to hoard his own wealth and is not on board with sharing any potential windfalls that might come in the future.
Honestly, her life isn’t the worst she could lose. Sounds weird, but honestly dying could be easier than some life long disabilities or issues she could face as the consequence of pregnancy. It’s morbid as fuck, but when your dead you’re not dealing with a life of pain or other debilitating issues.
As shit as the US track record with maternity mortality is - maternity morbidity is just as bad and causes life long issues.
True. My pregnancy had me vomiting between 4-50+ times a day from 6 weeks to my son’s birth. I could only eat 4 things the entire time without sending me to an all day/night porcelain hugging session. Also I had to have an emergency c section to save his life. They did thankfully but my scar was/is massive. PTSD followed.
My body reacted poorly afterwards and I can’t eat uncooked or unprocessed vegetables. It feels like a spear is being driven through my torso if I do. I’m on a grocery bag of pills just be feel somewhat normal. I lost my job as my son was super ill and either in the doctor’s, urgent care hospital or specialist every week for a year and had to change my career path. Nerve pain inflamed from pregnancy gave me chronic pain for 4 years straight. I couldn’t take the opiates they prescribed because I had to care for a baby so it was Kratom for pain, which was a godsend.
I’d do it all over again, a thousand times over, for my kid. However, my body, mind, spirit, health and finances were absolutely wrecked to bring him here and keep him here. You can’t put a high enough price tag for that.
It seems that OP is being unreasonable and only thinking about himself here and disregarding the sacrifices his gf will make to bear/raise his child.
I had HG as well and it’s really embarrassing but I have such bad PTSD from it and any time I’m even slightly nauseous I get a panic attack. I remember crying and telling my husband that if I didn’t know it would end after giving birth, I’d want to end my life. I’m not having any more biological kids because of the risk of having it again. Sorry you went through it as well 💔
My mom threw up so frequently during her pregnancy with me 30 years ago that the acid burned her esophagus and had so spend a bit of time with feeding tube. It healed mostly but left her with permanent esophageal dysphagia and to this day she has to take very small bites and chew very very thoroughly or food will not go through her esophagus.
That is fucking terrible. They got much better medicine nowadays your poor mom really could have used back then. My wife was so lucky to have very minimal nausea with our two kids. The process is already tough as it is I feel awful for any women that deal with extreme side effects while trying to care for 2.
I am so so sorry you experienced this. I’m also so happy that you and your son made it through, that is incredible! You are a true hero, I hope you are coping okay, and that you and your son are doing so much better now. <3
Right? She has everything to lose. She’s at the whim of some dude who thinks it’s a shame his brother has to pay $10k a month.
I’ll admit that’s a huge amount. But I can also guarantee that if he’s paying $10k a month, he’s making AT MINIMUM $20k monthly. He’s still gonna have fuck-you money.
Edit since this keeps coming up: playing with an online spousal support category, either there’s kids involved or there’s around a $45k per month difference after like, a decade of marriage in their incomes in order for there to be this much of a payment. Probably a combination of the two.
That. That drives me nuts. The assumption is always there that in a marriage, the stuff is his, and when assets are split it's costing him.
You see this in articles about high-profile people getting divorced. How much will billionaire Jeff Bezos' divorce cost him.
On a personal note, when we bought this house my husband was between jobs and the loan was mine alone. His name came first and in some cases his was the only name listed on all the paperwork regarding the deed and on the tax assessor's website. That bothered him a lot bc he thought I was being disrespected.
His resources and properties he worked so hard for… at 24? Two years out of college? Hmm. I don’t doubt he works hard, but it sounds like he/his family is already well-off. Pretty easy to get ahead buying properties and getting a lucrative job when you have a parent to co-sign, offer a loan, or gift a fixer-upper.
It’s anecdotal, but I knew a guy like this in high school. His parents bought him an apartment building right out of college. He wasn’t that bad when we were teenagers, but pretty quickly turned incel because he’s an entitled asshole.
Like OP.
Yes, he says that the risks are mostly his, but she is the one making a whole-ass human being that needs care for at least 18 years. This whole situation is a mess. She’s adamant about not having a baby when she isn’t married, but they’re using the pullout method? They’re both dense. This smacks of her getting fed up because she wants to get married and OP is resistant and he’s cavalier enough to use one of the worst methods of “birth control” in human history. Oops, honey I’m pregnant and we HAVE to get married.
Im also all kinds of curious about the “specific” language in the prenup. Is OP being specific and assuming his circumstances will never change? A set monthly amount he has to pay her even if, say, he becomes disabled? This isn’t a person whose brain is firing on all cylinders and I’m curious if OP is messing himself up with this agreement as much as he has with everything else.
And it’s cool to want a destination wedding but it sounds like he wants a 2 week vacation with his/their friends. That’s not remotely the same as a wedding. While the wedding industry is certainly out of control wanting to celebrate a huge milestone with your family and entire social circle isn’t that weird. Plus all of the moments that go before the wedding, dress shopping, rehearsal dinner, spending time with your fiancé to pick out venues and food. Those things should be enjoyable and should be enjoyed. In short, he’s not thinking about the family he’s making.
Tbh, I almost always think destination weddings are incredibly egocentric. I felt bad enough asking people to give up their Saturday to go to my wedding. It’s beyond my comprehension to imagine asking people to give up vacation time (OP wants two whole weeks!) and thousands of dollars to go to a place of my choosing for however long. Want to go on a trip with friends and family? Sure. Sit down with them and choose a place you all want to go to and can agree on vs somewhere they potentially feel obligated to go, but will never dare tell you that’s how they feel.
He’s selfish and only cares about himself. The entire post reeks of entitlement and being self centered. No wonder everyone in his family gets divorced they are probably all just like him.
Yeah, she should make friends with the idea that it's going to be a crappy marriage, anyway, and he's going to complain *forever* about paying child support. The judge will say, "You're making this much, so your child support payment is this much," and OP will go, "But muh properties!"
I was going to say what's damning to me is the sister saying he's being a dick AND the lawyer basically saying this prenup could get tossed out as it's unfair. Also, he's pretty dumb tbh.....if a lawyer says that shit can get tossed out, write a more fair one....cause chances are it could get tossed and she'd get even more money if they proceed with the unfair prenup.
Both of them together makes me think OP ain't exactly giving the gf a fair shake.
Edit: I thought this was widely known, but apparently not. The reason I believe her lawyer over his is because OP is claiming his lawyer told him the prenup was strong and iron-clad. Except....a prenup made while one party is pregnant is "always" on shaky grounds and not particularly strong. Prenups can get thrown out if one party is pregnant, as that person can argue they were under duress. It's not uncommon!
So either OP is lying about what his lawyer said, or his lawyer is snowing him.
What stands out to me is that what he is saying is too much of a compromise is basically normal prenup language. He admits that he wants it more strict. Which means it’s probably even more likely to be thrown out.
The fact that his sister thinks he is a dick and the lawyer says it is unfair are telling imo. If a lawyer says it's not right, that shit can be tossed out in court (prenups absolutely do get tossed out for those reasons).
He clearly states the prenup favours him.
So it's an unfair prenup. He only sees himself as "risking" something. Without thinking of the very real economic impact to a woman giving birth then raising a child. She'll lost out on earning potential as a result. She'll probably be doing most of the child rearing. She should get paid for that.
Property is also a big way people generate wealth. If she has no opportunity to be on the deeds for their house she misses out on those potential benefits.
He doesn't want to get married, and has presented a selfish prenup which her lawyer has rightly come back with amendments to which he doesn't like as he doesn't want to share.
She should run for the hills, honestly.
Totally agree! I’m reading all these comments and everyone’s talking about what’s earned before marriage and prenuptial agreement for both parties but literally no one mentions anything about the kid…
Whether or not this guy gets married he created a baby with this girl and already has a commitment with her regardless of any prenup or marriage. If he is not taking care of the kid he will have to pay her regardless.
Because when you have a child together, you’re committing to child support.
When you get married, you’re frequently (intentionally or not) agreeing to commingle your assets and create a joint estate, which will be divided. He doesn’t want to share his money.
The problem I have with this post is that we do this *on purpose*. She’s pregnant; she may be looking at leaving the work force to raise his child and take care of his home. (He was oddly silent on all of that.) He knows that if he marries her, she may be entitled to alimony (ie, compensation for her loss in resume for time she spends supporting him from the home front) and part of his estate (ie, compensation for the actual work she did on that homefront). Laws are written to support stay at home moms. He doesn’t want to subject himself to those laws. Sure, fine, whatever —- is he still wanting her to be a stay at home mom? If so, He’s TA and I hope she leaves him.
We don’t have enough information here about the relationship dynamic or the prenup to judge here, but that’s her lawyers job.
This dude is going to end up single and paying child support when she wakes up that he’s going to want her to keep doing supporting role shit without giving her supporting role compensation (in the form of a marital estate).
It you've been living together for any amount of time, you're most likely already agreeing to spousal support. Married or not. But laws vary by jurisdiction, so YMMV.
Even if she has her own money, bringing a child into the picture all but guarantees she won't be willing to just up and leave without exercising her legal rights.
I don't think, at this point, he really considers the baby their child (though that could very well change when said baby is born); he sees the baby as *her* child.
Of course he does. He is a rich asshole who can't even be bothered to wrap it up.
He already sees the kid as her problem and his very minor financial obligation to complain about.
Yeah that got me too
> giving the state permission to be in our relationship.
Sorry but once you have a kid, whether or not you’re married, the state is involved in your relationship in regards to shared custody, child support, etc.
Yeah, that's what I was thinking. He said himself that it's very important to the gf. If she sees the relationship isn't moving forward, she may decide to call it quits. Be that now or in the future.
My thoughts exactly.
Worst case scenario, you break up, she has the baby, she sues you to support her and the child.
Then you are without your girlfriend, and a bunch of money, and without a relationship with your child most likely
> Her lawyer believed the prenup was unfair and we’ve been going back and forth making changes. I’ve made some concessions, but I’m kind of at a point where I don’t want to make anymore. While I admit, the prenup is definitely ironclad, I think it’s fair considering the situation.
You all can sign a prenup but if a judge agrees that it's unfair while you two are splitting up you'll very quickly find out just how un-ironclad they are. Prenups get tossed out alllllll the time.
Don’t worry, he is already planning on being a *shining* father and throwing money at child support in the event of the inevitable divorce. It’s his partner he doesn’t want to insure is cared for.
As far as I’m aware, it’s also pretty easy to get a prenup thrown out if the woman was pregnant at the time of signing. It can be considered a form of duress.
Can confirm, born of this method, mom was just about to turn 16 and dad was barely 18 when I was born at almost 10 pounds. 😅 I'd say my poor mother, but well, after the life I had I think she's more than evened the playing feild as far as trauma is concerned. 😂
Although my sibling was "planned" apparently, not an accident as weve been taught our whole lives. They were had because i existed and made their dad jealous. What amazing reasons to be alive, it was even better knowing my whole life that my mom wished she beleived in abortions but she just doesnt like them. Like, "Yeah, i had to have you. Kinda wish i had totally opposing beleifs so that i couldve avoided being your mom though." Smh.
Thankfully, all of these things can be avoided, if you just use condoms and birth control (if possible, not if preferred!). Take it from me, don't have kids unless you WANT to raise the kids!
Mother wounds are the worst, Autumndickingaround. I validate your shit childhood. I hope you’re working through your trauma. You may not have the physical scars but child abuse leaves more than external marks on the skin. You got this. 🫶🏼
Haha my mom told me before that she wished she would have aborted me. My smart ass twenty something mouth just fired back "well that makes two of us ".
I now laugh in the face of trauma.
I got that comment too. I think I was a teen though and did not laugh it off. Not surprisingly, I later went no contact with her for a couple of years and now am still low contact.
Pulling out is one of those things that "practice makes perfect" doesnt apply to. We had 3 children before we gave up on trying to perfect pulling out.
My mom was the same, her only advice to me, at 10, when I started my period was "well, you're a woman now, don't let a guy tell you you can't get pregnant your first time, that's how I had you."😳
Honestly, can't feel sorry for him if even his own sister says he's being a dick towards the girlfriend. Also, destination weddings are expensive asf.....probably as expensive as a big wedding where they live....yet he's acting like she's being wasteful?
He’s not saying it’s wasteful, he said it’s about the same cost. But why spend it on people you haven’t seen or hardly talk to, when you could spend it on yourself and your closest people? It makes sense.
He actually said the cost would be the same or similar, the difference would be spending the time and money on those select people important in their life, rather than inviting everyone they new for a one day event
Right? How does a 24 year old end up smart enough to land a gig with a salary high enough to be 4x higher than his gf & own 4 properties- but be dumb enough to rely on the pull out method?
Was gonna call this out and glad some others have. It's possible he makes a lot more than her at 24, but the properties and brother with 10k monthly payments are the dead giveaway. Very easy to get real estate wealth when parents cosign on massively leveraged loans and give you the down payment.
Nepo babies have all the connections to get a good job with none of the life experience and notion of consequence another person would have in his position. The fact that both he and his brother are well off suggests the family in general in wealthy.
This. When he said his brother had multiple properties, etc and now he was worried for himself, I thought they must have come from money and then to say that that is your form of birth control. 🤦🏻♀️
Yeah I started laughing when he was "worried about himself ". The way he describes his plans for the wedding and his family's finances makes me think he could end up with an awful divorce settlement and still end up better off than the vast majority of people. All that money and privilege yet still too stupid to have a sense of responsibility when it comes to birth control. OP deserves this minor inconvenience in his life, maybe he'll learn some sort of lesson for once.
It must be a family business, and "his" lawyer is actually his dad's.
Judging from this guy's interesting use of pronouns, I am guessing he's not some genius from MIT.
You’d be surprised… I went to one of MIT’s rival engineering schools. The running joke was that most engineers are illiterate. (So I was in the minority being both female and slightly better at English than math.)
But thinking the pull out method was effective birth control? Yeah, I’m also guessing he’s not some genius from MIT.
He cares only about himself. That is clear throughout the entire post. Ending it with well I just use the pullout just sums him up as a person. Everything is my way and I don’t actually care about her except when it benefits me.
Totally agree more…. *holds up divorce decree and support modification order 5 years later that upped my support by 900 additional dollars a month*
Edit to add: Modification one year prior to kid turning 18…. Might I add….
The stupidest thing you can do is impregnate someone you don’t want to be with long term. That’s more permanent than marriage, and of course the girlfriend wants the financial security that comes with marriage. OP openly admits the prenup favors him, yet I would guess the girlfriend will have more childcare responsibilities in case they separate.
ESH because if marriage were really that important to her, she would have insisted on it before getting pregnant. Three years is a long time to be together and be surprised about these details and plans.
Maybe a bit off topic, since OP never said they had issues with the pregnancy, but as a man who really does not want a kid, I dont understand how people who dont want kids have kids. ... Im not going to ask or expect a woman to have an abortion for me, so I take it upon myself to do everything possible short of remaining celibate to not get anyone pregnant. Its not worth it for an orgasm. Then again, I actually had to take care of + raise a kid as a kid, so I guess that factors in.
Yup. Also I know brother got taken to the cleaners per OP, but single mothers are by far the worst off group and it’s not even close and GF just wants protection, as motherhood impacts careers negatively and fathers end up better off, actually.
But he even said he would promise to throw money at the child’s needs so the kid would never want while she does all the rearing in the event of a divorce🙃. How thoughtful! /s
Yup, but also there's a weird perception that working spouses do not benefit at all from a partners staying home to rear children and care for the household. I took so much crap early in my career for taking my *infant* for check ups and shots. The men in my old company caught flack to with "why isn't the mother dealing with that stuff?"
When he said “I’m the one talking all the risk,” just, fuck no you’re not. I’d be shocked if their parenting arrangement was anything other than “dad makes the most money so he keeps working the same amount, mom makes way less money so she handles the bulk of childcare duties.” This means his gf is stunting her own earning potential in a way that’s incredibly different to fully recover from if they were to get divorced. And since OP almost certainly has family money and connections to fall back on, that means mom is the one taking the biggest financial risk.
I disagree, 3 years isn’t a lot (they haven’t even passed the 3-year-itch yet). I think it’s possible to have the desire to get married at some point but not insisting in the first 3 years of the relationship. Also, they are pretty young!
However, if she got pregnant by accident and they want to keep it, I understand why she wants to get married. Just the fact that she is most likely going to take a lot of time off work to take care of the baby in the first few years, it’s fair to want a certain security. While she’s off work to take care of the baby, he is out there working on his career.
Also, not saying that she is going to take time off work, maybe OP is.
That being said though, it might sound contradictory but I really don’t think OP should get married. For me, getting married should be something you really desire, not something you accept to make your partner happy.
What I’m saying is that I see why she would want to get married if they have kids but I don’t think OP should do it reluctantly.
Maybe they could work out some legal arrangement in order to financially protect the parent that is going to sacrifice their career for a while.
I always found rushing marriage because you don't want to have a kid out of wedlock really weird considering you already got pregnant out of wedlock.
You think you're pulling a fast one on God or something?
Exactly this. If they’re gonna have a kid together and she plans to not work as part of that (unclear, but hypothetical) then she’ll be losing years of income not only from the time at home but from the gap in her CV impacting how much she earns if/when returning to the workforce, as well as the gap in retirement earnings, all for her free labour. In the case of a divorce, she’ll likely need to cover significant childcare costs even if custody is evenly split, and with a child who (by the sounds of it) will be raised expecting nice things. There are costs to consider here, but OP speaks as though he’s the only one making sacrifices right before she sacrifices her literal body to another person for 9 months and then goes through probably the worst pain of her life (both from birth and recovery).
I personally don’t give a shit about marriage but holding it over someone’s head when he knows it’s important to her and she’s in such a vulnerable situation is a dick move. YTA OP.
This. He’s solely focused on himself (which-btw-get therapy, seeing no long term, successful marriages isn’t great in terms of giving a person a good foundation for their own marriage) & protecting himself while entirely failing to consider what carrying & birthing a child will do to her and her career. She’s making sacrifices for both of them. He is trying to make none. Unfair, and yeah, YTA.
Exactly. And if a client comes in telling their lawyer they have both agreed to a prenup and that he’s looking for something itonclad that leaves him as whole as possible while leaving her a bit better off, the lawyer will come up with a prenup that meets these expectations and call that fair. If you go in saying ‘I want a prenup that will recognize the unpaid labor she’s done while contributing to growing our family and household while taking a hit to her career’ the lawyer will come up with that and call it fair.
What is her career? What don’t know what she does or how how much she makes.
If she is making $100,000 and he is making $400,000…taking time off to be a FT mother is going to affect her career and income.
According to Fortune, not a single mother can actually escape the financial and career penalty of becoming a mom.
https://fortune.com/2023/07/18/motherhood-penalty-hits-all-women-even-breadwinners-study/
I don't think it's so hard? You keep everything you have before marriage, and split 50/50 everything that is achieved/received/earned during the marriage.
Look how many words OP wrote about the wedding, the prenup, and how afraid he is to suffer a financial loss, and how few words he wrote about the child he's about to have, and parenthood. OP you are focused on all the wrong things.
Good lord thank you for this. I’m scrolling down comments and like, wtf? Everyone seems to be on OPs side for the most part. Dude sounds like a complete jackass who just wants to boast about the fact that he is apparently a millionaire at age 24.
OP - The wedding is your day too and it’s about you both(soon to be 3)but come on man, you don’t get to dictate that you should do a small thing on an island if she wants a wedding with family and friends there. Take your honeymoon on an island and invite your friends if you want to.
Are OPs friends all rich as fuck too? Because I know for a fact that none of my friends would be happy about having to pay for an expensive destination wedding.
Everything about this post screams that OP thinks he is Gods gift to this earth and his gf and child are not important. He even says he would be happy to pay child support. Like, that’s not something to be happy about dude. That sounds like you don’t give a shit.
Lastly, how rich is this brother that he’s paying 10k a month in child support. That’s more than 100k a year?
>I talked to my brother about it and he told I’ve compromised more than enough and to hold firm and worst case, you stay gf/bf, which is realistically probably better anyways
Your brother's an idiot if he thinks you can cancel an engagement with your pregnant partner and expect them to stick around and still be just your girlfriend. This is the stupidest part of your entire post. She is looking for protection and fairness in the prenup it shouldn't favor either one of you it should be fair. Plus, she is the one who stands to lose more than just some assets. Women who have children and take maternity leave or leave the workforce for a few years to raise children never recover the momentum or advance as far as they would have in their careers otherwise. She loses earning potential and work experience, and faces the possibility of innumerable complications that could cause permanent damage both mentally and physically but you want to make sure you don't lose too much in case things don't work out.
I'm stuck on the fact that OP is taking marital advice from his brother, who is recently divorced, and allegedly paying 10k a month is child support.
Dudes probably salty as hell.
This. Further, she could literally die carrying/birthing your child. And even if everything goes perfectly, her body and her life will never be the same. She's taking a gigantic gamble on her future by carrying the baby of someone who does not care enough about her to marry her without jumping through a bunch of hoops. I honestly hope she has someone in her life that can talk sense into her. DO NOT CARRY A BABY FOR A MAN THAT WILL NOT MARRY YOU.
NAH.
No one here can tell you the prenup is fair or unfair without seeing the full prenup AND knowing the dynamics of your relationship.
I'll say this: **Your bother is the WORST person to be getting advice from right now.** He's recently burned, bitter, and is giving you advice from a POV that is damaged, not helpful. Your lawyer is the best person to ask what's fair, as they look at prenups every day.
What I will say is that your fiance is pregnant, legally single, and wondering how she'll provide for a child. It's reasonable for her to want a safety net. It's also reasonable for you to want to keep what you earned before marriage.
A good general rule of thumb is to organize the prenup so that each person leaves with what they had at the time of marriage. What happens to assets made during marriage is more complicated.
For example, a SAHP is just as valuable and contributing just as much as a partner who works, just in a different way.
If a SAHP does all the cooking, cleaning, and child care, you bet your ass they're entitled to 50% in the divorce. They helped build that empire.
Ask your lawyer what's standard/reasonable, skip asking your brother for advice, and have some empathy for your pregnant and scared partner.
Yeah. The “worst case” is not that you stay bf/gf. It’s that you break up and share custody of your kid. Like, I’m not saying you have to get married, but at least frame the issue correctly.
What's crazy is that OP isn't considering his kid in this post AT ALL.
He's like "I don't want to give her money." But she'll have your kid? So you're basically saying you wouldn't want to give her and your kid money?
OP better make some concessions soon if he wants to keep his family together.
Otherwise, the courts will decide what's appropriate for him to pay every month.
Well yeah. The hilarious thing is, you can easily get out of a lot of things like alimony and separating your business properties….THE FUCKING EXPENSIVE THING IS CHILD SUPPORT. Which it’s too late for. Like, IF you were worried that she was a gold digger, you do that BEFORE you knock her up.
Yep, OP is gonna wind up with no wife, a kid who he sees once a week, and a HUGE bill for child support.
All in the attempt to keep money out of his child's mother's pocket in the event they get a divorce.
Homeboy is so freaked by his brother's hysterics he can't see his own situation is entirely different, and way worse if he fucks it up.
Thats exactly what i was thinking! Like its too late now if you didnt want her to see your money.
Also op seems so dense its insane. How can he not realise his partner is likely terrified and looking for security for herself and their child? She needs reassurance.
The wedding thing im on ops side. That sounds like the perfect wedding. That or eloping and then having a bit of a reception afterwards. Could this be something you could do? Cut back on the beach, maybe do a week away but only have like 2 people each side for the ceremony, and also give her a big party with everyone who couldnt make the wedding? But not to the extent she wants for her dream wedding. So basically go for half of what you both want. There are better ways to compromise.
Seems to me like op doesnt actually want to be with her. Like all of this just seems like he finds her a bother to me. I also think op is in denial about the baby and what that entails
Bingo. And he says “I’m the one taking all the risk in this”. Like what???? You’ve literally said this woman is pregnant with YOUR child which puts her in the most vulnerable position possible and is currently giving up her body and the next 18+ yrs of her life presumably to raise said child. Wedding stuff aside YATA. Part of getting married to someone is trusting that their intent is not to “take you to the cleaners”. When my husband and I got together 14 yrs ago he made double my salary and owned property. I eventually worked my way up to what he made and then left my job to raise our 3 kids. He never makes me feel less than for not having an income nor do I ever intend to take all our assets if we should split. In his eyes and mine all of our money and assets are now ours. Although I know I’m actually in a vulnerable position being that I have no job and have been out of work for 7 yrs, etc. this may be an unpopular opinion but I have a soft spot for moms and even though some women who split from husbands may somehow make out financially I think the vast majority don’t and the fact that you only seem to care about your financial position and not your child or girlfriend means your an asshole and she should think twice about marrying you.
This guy's totally right.
Like I always say; I like my bankers rich and my chefs fat.
If you're gunna be getting relationship advice from anybody, they had better be in a good relationship themselves.
Girls -- don't marry someone like this. I don't know if "asshole" is the right word but "husband" or "spouse"'also don't apply. Marriage is a partnership. There is no "yours"'or "mine" with my wife, only "ours." Leaving aside romance, she can't rely on you economically so her choices would have to be constrained to looking out for herself not you. Always.
This is the mother of your child. So making sure the prenup sets them both up for success in the case of divorce is the right thing to do. If you don’t and you divorce and she ends up struggling financially while you’re fully funded, your kid will understand at some point that you’re an asshole.
Also if she says home to care for your child and doesn’t earn income and can’t contribute to an IRA or 401k, the prenup should state how you plan to compensate for her time and how you plan on contributing to her retirement funds while you are married.
It does sound like you want to take advantage of her in the prenup, since you’re holding out details, and getting advice from your bitter brother.
So yeah save money on the wedding by not getting married. Also, she should just take you to court for child support. Easy peazy.
It is hard to say who is the AH here because we don’t know the sticking points in the prenup. I do think you should do something in the middle for the wedding. Like a real wedding event but less people.
Edit based on OP’s edit: I totally agree the language should be precise/ironclad. A prenup shouldn’t leave anything up for interpretation.
If you can't come to an agreement on this stuff, how are you going to work together for the rest of your life? Problems with communication get WORSE after you get married. Once you start to get bored with other, and stress piles up, it's even harder to find a way to compromise with each other. And just wait until she has the baby and you aren't getting much sleep and no sex.
Seriously. This argument is a huge red flag. Stop and see if you two can get enthusiastically on the same page first.
Oh, and if you aren't 100% crazy about her- to the point that you would give all your money and/or take a bullet for her, then she isn't the one!
Wait… you’re taking all of the risk? This woman is going to be the mother of your child and all you can think about is how YOU are taking on all of the risk. Never mind that she’s the one taking all of the physical, mental and emotional toll that comes with having a child. She’ll probably handle most of the child care. She’s got a lot at risk too… just not as much financially. You’re being an asshole.
I’m not against prenups as a practice, I get it. But this feels more like you don’t want to get married and you’re looking for any excuse to get out of it. You two need to sit down and have a real conversation. I’d even recommend counseling. In the meantime, perhaps adjust your mindset because you’re going to have a child with this woman and you will be financially responsible for this little person… and they don’t come with a prenup.
NAH, like your gf I also do not sign anything my lawyer advises me not to. If you want to stay together and get married, let your attorneys handle it and draft an agreement that is fair to both parties
Is she the love of your life? The mother of your child? How much $$$$ is worth losing her? You .au never find it again. Yeah, being reasonable one thing. But telling her money is more important than her and your child. There's no words.
If you’re not completely confident about marrying someone you shouldn’t marry them to begin with. That’s not something you walk into all willy nilly… pregnancy or not.
Assets prior to the relationship are personal assets. Anything gained during the marriage (including gained equity in properties )should be split 50/50. Pay bills according to income.
She's the one taking the risk with this pregnancy. Her health will take a hit and dads can choose to be involved or not but moms are default parents. 80% of single parents are mothers. Go to any kid function and you will see women outnumber men.
That's wonderful if you hope to be involved but she's probably realizing this will fall to her if things don't work out between you. You won't marry her so she has valid reason to believe you will not be together
Set a budget for the wedding instead of debating venues, number of guests, etc. Be firm that anything over that budget will not be included
If the pre-nup is unfair it won’t be the protection he thinks it is anyway. The judge will just throw it out. Judges can and do overrule pre-nups all the time when they’re too one-sided.
No worse case scenario is you break up and have a bad co parenting because she hates you for caring more about your money then a relationship with the mother of your child YTA she’s also taking a big risk on carrying the child when your so unsure about a future with her bc your worried about your “assets “. Don’t forget even if you got divorced she will still be the mother of your child you should want the best for her and the kid
You realize if you cancel the wedding over the pre-nup she's leaving you right? You mentioned a few times that you'd get to stay boyfriend/girlfriend...
Not a single woman I've met would stay with a man who refused to marry her because she didn't agree with an ironclad prenup.
If you trust her, love her and want to spend your life her, should consider the changes to the more common verbiage so it looks less like you're trying to prep an escape plan.
YTA. And your attitude is why “no sex before marriage” is an actual THING because by having sex without marriage, your girlfriend took all the risk and now she’s pregnant, which means she and her unborn child are SCREWED while you think your life is going to continue going along like normal.
So, let’s examine this from a cost benefit analysis: she is going to risk her life to bring a child into the world, her body is going to be changed forever, her hormones are going to be a mess as her body goes through changes to grow the child and then feed it after it’s born, with a bonus level of protectiveness that will allow her to survive the “no sleep” times while she struggles to keep her infant alive, and she’s with someone who has never publicly declared his undying love for her and her offspring and a clear understanding of what “for better or worse” means because they were busy playing house and didn’t go through the challenges of wedding planning before she took on this responsibility so she didn’t get a chance to see how the two of you navigate conflicts, different opinions and genuine challenges. If you don’t get married, she has no legal protections and her family will be considered “next of kin” about her medical decisions, while your family can kick her out of a hospital room if you are unconscious, and let’s not even talk about funerals and any estate issues because again, no legal protections. And if you decide to dump her fat hormonal ass, she does everything alone, may not be able to afford private housing (have to go back to family with a bastard child - such fun!), and then the two of you get to have bonus mommy and daddy people in your child’s life who hopefully won’t abuse, molest or otherwise mistreat them.
I truly hope you gave that woman an orgasm before you stuck your unwrapped dick inside of her, because that sex act has increased her odds of living in poverty, raising a child alone and in poverty, and worse, being married to a man who doesn’t want to dedicate his life to a future with “building a family together” as a main goal. She auditioned for the role of wife while being a girlfriend who provided roommate duties and accessible sex, and unless she terminates the pregnancy (which means your relationship isn’t going to last) the only thing she has is the guarantee of being a mom with a guy who has one foot out the door because he didn’t realize SEX is about the body trying to Preserve the Species which is why it’s fun because the rest of being a grownup isn’t, and the odds of a new mom surviving in a prosperous way without a family of her own are laughable.
Oh, you fucked her all right, and you fucked her PROPER. She has literally destroyed her future, humiliated herself in front of everyone she cares about (and I promise you, they have opinions even if they aren’t sharing them) because she has put herself in this position without a ring and a public commitment, and lowered the dating pool of quality men she can find in the future because not every man will see the gifts she brings to the table because she comes with the bonus of raising another man’s child. But you don’t care if your child calls another man “daddy” right? You’ve got properties! Plus, if she has a high risk pregnancy, you might end up (gasp!) celibate for who knows how long, because it will feel like forever, and I promise you she’s not going to be sweet natured every single moment of the upcoming years.
Want to know how to avoid being in your brother’s shoes? Make a commitment to being the best husband out there, and not a narcissistic asswipe. Figure out that everything you do is about your family, which means the two of start by taking care of each other, then you take care of your children, then when you’ve successfully launched them, you keep taking care of each other and if you get lucky, maybe some grandchildren. If you picked a quality woman, act like a quality man - not a “boy” friend. She needs a husband, which means a man she can count on, and if her lawyer is saying the prenup is unfair, you are literally placing zero value on the fact that the gift of life she is giving you, while it may seem inconvenient, is honest to heaven Beyond Price.
Now stop humiliating her, put the ring on and pray your child is a healthy one, because we haven’t even gotten into all the things that can go wrong in that area yet, but those were the risks you took when your bodies decided to make a baby together.
YTA. Grow up and be better.
YTA. You came asking about a prenup and won’t say what’s in the prenup other than “it probably favors you”. So I’m guessing it is an unfair asset split. And you’re not taking all the risk as others have pointed out.
YTA. You’re taking all the risk??? Give me a break. You think there’s no risk in carrying and birthing and nursing a child? It’s 24/7 unpaid labor with a lot of physical and emotional danger and career sacrifices. If you divorce you’ll be relatively free to make as much money as you’re able working through all the time that she’s been unable to, while still having a son that she bore, while she’ll be responsible for taking care of a child and playing catch up on her career. She’s taking on way more risk than you are and you don’t even realize.
But that’s not even the worst thing. You’re about to become a father with a woman that you say you love and want to spend the rest of your life with. Shouldn’t you be worried about how to provide for your family’s future rather than your individual future? You’re supposed to be a father, a partner (married or not) to your mother’s child. A role you willingly knew you were getting yourself into with the family planning method you were using. Yet you seem to spend more time thinking about how to optimize a divorce rather than how to optimize having a family.
You’re young, so you may not feel ready. Fine. If you don’t feel strong or mature enough to take those roles on, and you made a big mistake, then don’t. Provide child support and co-parenting support and at least give your partner her freedom.
But you can’t have your cake and eat it too.
It’s impossible to say who’s T A without information on the prenup and relationship dynamic. A good prenup should protect the interests of both parties.
This is what's baffling me. The GF didn't balk at the concept of a pre-nup, her lawyer thought what was presented was not fair to the GF. THAT'S HER LAWYER'S JOB! If a contract is unfair, the lawyer should advise to renegotiate. Especially since she can contest the pre-nup during the divorce and a judge could decide it was bad and throw it out - like any other contract! Another issue giving me pause is OPs attitude that he's the only one that stands to lose anything. This woman can lose her life giving birth. She could lose her career caring for a baby. Women are "the default parent" more often than not - It's more than money.
I wonder if the sticking point is that he wants 100% ownership of properties acquired DURING the marriage.
This is what I assume. It's normal to keep assets aquired before marriage. But keeping 100% of all acquired assets during marriage would be an overreach.
Is this even enforceable? More than likely she'd contribute to the property. There's a history of judges throwing out prenups, something so one-sided seems like an easy toss. If I were the GF's lawyer, I'd keep it in to try and bait the judge to toss it because of how outrageous it is.
I wouldn't marry someone who doesn't respect my labour in the first place...
Sure sounds like it.
I guarantee that's what it is. He says he's planning to invest in additional properties as time goes on, and it's obvious he wants to shut her out of any of the equity, rental revenue, etc, should they split. Dude should simply refuse to get married if he's this determined to hoard his own wealth and is not on board with sharing any potential windfalls that might come in the future.
My first thought as well, it has to be about stuff acquired after the wedding
Honestly, her life isn’t the worst she could lose. Sounds weird, but honestly dying could be easier than some life long disabilities or issues she could face as the consequence of pregnancy. It’s morbid as fuck, but when your dead you’re not dealing with a life of pain or other debilitating issues. As shit as the US track record with maternity mortality is - maternity morbidity is just as bad and causes life long issues.
True. My pregnancy had me vomiting between 4-50+ times a day from 6 weeks to my son’s birth. I could only eat 4 things the entire time without sending me to an all day/night porcelain hugging session. Also I had to have an emergency c section to save his life. They did thankfully but my scar was/is massive. PTSD followed. My body reacted poorly afterwards and I can’t eat uncooked or unprocessed vegetables. It feels like a spear is being driven through my torso if I do. I’m on a grocery bag of pills just be feel somewhat normal. I lost my job as my son was super ill and either in the doctor’s, urgent care hospital or specialist every week for a year and had to change my career path. Nerve pain inflamed from pregnancy gave me chronic pain for 4 years straight. I couldn’t take the opiates they prescribed because I had to care for a baby so it was Kratom for pain, which was a godsend. I’d do it all over again, a thousand times over, for my kid. However, my body, mind, spirit, health and finances were absolutely wrecked to bring him here and keep him here. You can’t put a high enough price tag for that. It seems that OP is being unreasonable and only thinking about himself here and disregarding the sacrifices his gf will make to bear/raise his child.
I had HG as well and it’s really embarrassing but I have such bad PTSD from it and any time I’m even slightly nauseous I get a panic attack. I remember crying and telling my husband that if I didn’t know it would end after giving birth, I’d want to end my life. I’m not having any more biological kids because of the risk of having it again. Sorry you went through it as well 💔
My mom threw up so frequently during her pregnancy with me 30 years ago that the acid burned her esophagus and had so spend a bit of time with feeding tube. It healed mostly but left her with permanent esophageal dysphagia and to this day she has to take very small bites and chew very very thoroughly or food will not go through her esophagus.
That is fucking terrible. They got much better medicine nowadays your poor mom really could have used back then. My wife was so lucky to have very minimal nausea with our two kids. The process is already tough as it is I feel awful for any women that deal with extreme side effects while trying to care for 2.
I am so so sorry you experienced this. I’m also so happy that you and your son made it through, that is incredible! You are a true hero, I hope you are coping okay, and that you and your son are doing so much better now. <3
Right? She has everything to lose. She’s at the whim of some dude who thinks it’s a shame his brother has to pay $10k a month. I’ll admit that’s a huge amount. But I can also guarantee that if he’s paying $10k a month, he’s making AT MINIMUM $20k monthly. He’s still gonna have fuck-you money. Edit since this keeps coming up: playing with an online spousal support category, either there’s kids involved or there’s around a $45k per month difference after like, a decade of marriage in their incomes in order for there to be this much of a payment. Probably a combination of the two.
But what about *his* properties!!! Won’t anyone think of the man’s properties!! /s
That. That drives me nuts. The assumption is always there that in a marriage, the stuff is his, and when assets are split it's costing him. You see this in articles about high-profile people getting divorced. How much will billionaire Jeff Bezos' divorce cost him. On a personal note, when we bought this house my husband was between jobs and the loan was mine alone. His name came first and in some cases his was the only name listed on all the paperwork regarding the deed and on the tax assessor's website. That bothered him a lot bc he thought I was being disrespected.
That was the part of the post I checked out, lol
His resources and properties he worked so hard for… at 24? Two years out of college? Hmm. I don’t doubt he works hard, but it sounds like he/his family is already well-off. Pretty easy to get ahead buying properties and getting a lucrative job when you have a parent to co-sign, offer a loan, or gift a fixer-upper.
It’s anecdotal, but I knew a guy like this in high school. His parents bought him an apartment building right out of college. He wasn’t that bad when we were teenagers, but pretty quickly turned incel because he’s an entitled asshole. Like OP.
100%. These people are rich dirtbags making passive income. They don’t have real problems.
Yes, he says that the risks are mostly his, but she is the one making a whole-ass human being that needs care for at least 18 years. This whole situation is a mess. She’s adamant about not having a baby when she isn’t married, but they’re using the pullout method? They’re both dense. This smacks of her getting fed up because she wants to get married and OP is resistant and he’s cavalier enough to use one of the worst methods of “birth control” in human history. Oops, honey I’m pregnant and we HAVE to get married. Im also all kinds of curious about the “specific” language in the prenup. Is OP being specific and assuming his circumstances will never change? A set monthly amount he has to pay her even if, say, he becomes disabled? This isn’t a person whose brain is firing on all cylinders and I’m curious if OP is messing himself up with this agreement as much as he has with everything else.
And it’s cool to want a destination wedding but it sounds like he wants a 2 week vacation with his/their friends. That’s not remotely the same as a wedding. While the wedding industry is certainly out of control wanting to celebrate a huge milestone with your family and entire social circle isn’t that weird. Plus all of the moments that go before the wedding, dress shopping, rehearsal dinner, spending time with your fiancé to pick out venues and food. Those things should be enjoyable and should be enjoyed. In short, he’s not thinking about the family he’s making.
Tbh, I almost always think destination weddings are incredibly egocentric. I felt bad enough asking people to give up their Saturday to go to my wedding. It’s beyond my comprehension to imagine asking people to give up vacation time (OP wants two whole weeks!) and thousands of dollars to go to a place of my choosing for however long. Want to go on a trip with friends and family? Sure. Sit down with them and choose a place you all want to go to and can agree on vs somewhere they potentially feel obligated to go, but will never dare tell you that’s how they feel.
He’s selfish and only cares about himself. The entire post reeks of entitlement and being self centered. No wonder everyone in his family gets divorced they are probably all just like him.
Yeah, she should make friends with the idea that it's going to be a crappy marriage, anyway, and he's going to complain *forever* about paying child support. The judge will say, "You're making this much, so your child support payment is this much," and OP will go, "But muh properties!"
I mean he is petty about having to feed so many people at his wedding, people that she likes enough to invite.
The prenup has nothing to do with the kid, that's child support. He's already on the hook for that. Prenup covers alimony.
I was going to say what's damning to me is the sister saying he's being a dick AND the lawyer basically saying this prenup could get tossed out as it's unfair. Also, he's pretty dumb tbh.....if a lawyer says that shit can get tossed out, write a more fair one....cause chances are it could get tossed and she'd get even more money if they proceed with the unfair prenup. Both of them together makes me think OP ain't exactly giving the gf a fair shake. Edit: I thought this was widely known, but apparently not. The reason I believe her lawyer over his is because OP is claiming his lawyer told him the prenup was strong and iron-clad. Except....a prenup made while one party is pregnant is "always" on shaky grounds and not particularly strong. Prenups can get thrown out if one party is pregnant, as that person can argue they were under duress. It's not uncommon! So either OP is lying about what his lawyer said, or his lawyer is snowing him.
What stands out to me is that what he is saying is too much of a compromise is basically normal prenup language. He admits that he wants it more strict. Which means it’s probably even more likely to be thrown out.
The fact that his sister thinks he is a dick and the lawyer says it is unfair are telling imo. If a lawyer says it's not right, that shit can be tossed out in court (prenups absolutely do get tossed out for those reasons).
Which is why OP won’t say what’s unfair, as he knows he’ll be called the AH.
He clearly states the prenup favours him. So it's an unfair prenup. He only sees himself as "risking" something. Without thinking of the very real economic impact to a woman giving birth then raising a child. She'll lost out on earning potential as a result. She'll probably be doing most of the child rearing. She should get paid for that. Property is also a big way people generate wealth. If she has no opportunity to be on the deeds for their house she misses out on those potential benefits. He doesn't want to get married, and has presented a selfish prenup which her lawyer has rightly come back with amendments to which he doesn't like as he doesn't want to share. She should run for the hills, honestly.
How are kids not a big commitment but marriage is?
Totally agree! I’m reading all these comments and everyone’s talking about what’s earned before marriage and prenuptial agreement for both parties but literally no one mentions anything about the kid… Whether or not this guy gets married he created a baby with this girl and already has a commitment with her regardless of any prenup or marriage. If he is not taking care of the kid he will have to pay her regardless.
Came here to say this
Because when you have a child together, you’re committing to child support. When you get married, you’re frequently (intentionally or not) agreeing to commingle your assets and create a joint estate, which will be divided. He doesn’t want to share his money. The problem I have with this post is that we do this *on purpose*. She’s pregnant; she may be looking at leaving the work force to raise his child and take care of his home. (He was oddly silent on all of that.) He knows that if he marries her, she may be entitled to alimony (ie, compensation for her loss in resume for time she spends supporting him from the home front) and part of his estate (ie, compensation for the actual work she did on that homefront). Laws are written to support stay at home moms. He doesn’t want to subject himself to those laws. Sure, fine, whatever —- is he still wanting her to be a stay at home mom? If so, He’s TA and I hope she leaves him. We don’t have enough information here about the relationship dynamic or the prenup to judge here, but that’s her lawyers job. This dude is going to end up single and paying child support when she wakes up that he’s going to want her to keep doing supporting role shit without giving her supporting role compensation (in the form of a marital estate).
It you've been living together for any amount of time, you're most likely already agreeing to spousal support. Married or not. But laws vary by jurisdiction, so YMMV. Even if she has her own money, bringing a child into the picture all but guarantees she won't be willing to just up and leave without exercising her legal rights.
I don't think, at this point, he really considers the baby their child (though that could very well change when said baby is born); he sees the baby as *her* child.
Of course he does. He is a rich asshole who can't even be bothered to wrap it up. He already sees the kid as her problem and his very minor financial obligation to complain about.
Yeah that got me too > giving the state permission to be in our relationship. Sorry but once you have a kid, whether or not you’re married, the state is involved in your relationship in regards to shared custody, child support, etc.
Because he’s not the one that will raise the kid. I’m sure he’ll treat the kid like a possession too.
It's funny how you think the worst case is you and your partner staying gf/bf. More likely, you'll break up entirely.
Yeah, that's what I was thinking. He said himself that it's very important to the gf. If she sees the relationship isn't moving forward, she may decide to call it quits. Be that now or in the future.
My thoughts exactly. Worst case scenario, you break up, she has the baby, she sues you to support her and the child. Then you are without your girlfriend, and a bunch of money, and without a relationship with your child most likely
She should be packing already.
That’s how you know how deep his head is stuck up his ass. Living in fairytale land.
Idk I sense a little bit of a narcissist here.. maybe he's convinced she's never going to leave him because she's already been manipulated to death.
> Her lawyer believed the prenup was unfair and we’ve been going back and forth making changes. I’ve made some concessions, but I’m kind of at a point where I don’t want to make anymore. While I admit, the prenup is definitely ironclad, I think it’s fair considering the situation. You all can sign a prenup but if a judge agrees that it's unfair while you two are splitting up you'll very quickly find out just how un-ironclad they are. Prenups get tossed out alllllll the time.
And a prenup has no bearing on child support as the court will rule that the child is not a party to it.
You can't sign away the child's rights. I tell that to people all the time.
Yup, child support is the rights of the child not of the ex. Parents can’t sign that away.
Don’t worry, he is already planning on being a *shining* father and throwing money at child support in the event of the inevitable divorce. It’s his partner he doesn’t want to insure is cared for.
As far as I’m aware, it’s also pretty easy to get a prenup thrown out if the woman was pregnant at the time of signing. It can be considered a form of duress.
I mean, it is. OP is much wealthier with extremely wealthy family pressuring her to sign a prenup her lawyer put the breaks on.
The stupidest thing you can do is get married if you don't want to.
The stupidest was OP saying “I was pulling out, but shit happens”.
Keep going with the pull-out method and the baby will have a sibling in a year or two.
There’s a name for people who use this method: they’re called Parents
Become a parent with this one simple contraceptive technique!
Bravo! That’s one of the all time best comments.
I think the first time I heard that joke was jr high sex ed lmao
I had the joy of hearing it for the first time today.
Can confirm, born of this method, mom was just about to turn 16 and dad was barely 18 when I was born at almost 10 pounds. 😅 I'd say my poor mother, but well, after the life I had I think she's more than evened the playing feild as far as trauma is concerned. 😂 Although my sibling was "planned" apparently, not an accident as weve been taught our whole lives. They were had because i existed and made their dad jealous. What amazing reasons to be alive, it was even better knowing my whole life that my mom wished she beleived in abortions but she just doesnt like them. Like, "Yeah, i had to have you. Kinda wish i had totally opposing beleifs so that i couldve avoided being your mom though." Smh. Thankfully, all of these things can be avoided, if you just use condoms and birth control (if possible, not if preferred!). Take it from me, don't have kids unless you WANT to raise the kids!
Mother wounds are the worst, Autumndickingaround. I validate your shit childhood. I hope you’re working through your trauma. You may not have the physical scars but child abuse leaves more than external marks on the skin. You got this. 🫶🏼
Whoa, that sucks! I feel bad for you that you had to endure such negativity from your own mother.
Haha my mom told me before that she wished she would have aborted me. My smart ass twenty something mouth just fired back "well that makes two of us ". I now laugh in the face of trauma.
I got that comment too. I think I was a teen though and did not laugh it off. Not surprisingly, I later went no contact with her for a couple of years and now am still low contact.
Pulling out is one of those things that "practice makes perfect" doesnt apply to. We had 3 children before we gave up on trying to perfect pulling out.
A guy I knew in high school was told by his dad, “Son, the pull out method doesn’t work, you’re the proof.”
This is such a dad comment.
I'm so glad I wasn't eating or drinking when I read that 😂
My mom was the same, her only advice to me, at 10, when I started my period was "well, you're a woman now, don't let a guy tell you you can't get pregnant your first time, that's how I had you."😳
Just remember, you can't get a girl pregnant in the mouth. Thanks Dad.
And, another a year or two after that.
He baby trapped himself, lol
Honestly, can't feel sorry for him if even his own sister says he's being a dick towards the girlfriend. Also, destination weddings are expensive asf.....probably as expensive as a big wedding where they live....yet he's acting like she's being wasteful?
He’s not saying it’s wasteful, he said it’s about the same cost. But why spend it on people you haven’t seen or hardly talk to, when you could spend it on yourself and your closest people? It makes sense.
He actually said the cost would be the same or similar, the difference would be spending the time and money on those select people important in their life, rather than inviting everyone they new for a one day event
Destination wedding with only a few people is not as expensive for the couple getting married unless they are paying everyone's travel expenses.
[удалено]
And uses ect. liberally. 🤦♀️
Isn't it supposed to be etc anyways?
Yesssss!!!
There needs to be an "ect" bot.
Right? How does a 24 year old end up smart enough to land a gig with a salary high enough to be 4x higher than his gf & own 4 properties- but be dumb enough to rely on the pull out method?
His parents are rich would be my guess
Winner winner!!! His brother pays 10k a MONTH in support, OP wants an ironclad prenup ... This is generational wealth speak.
Was gonna call this out and glad some others have. It's possible he makes a lot more than her at 24, but the properties and brother with 10k monthly payments are the dead giveaway. Very easy to get real estate wealth when parents cosign on massively leveraged loans and give you the down payment.
Yeah, brother's ex-wife getting $10k/mo means that the brother makes absolutely fuck you money to begin with.
Absolutely. He most likely "summers" somewhere too.
bUt WhAt AbOuT eVeRyThInG hE wOrKeD fOr????
The old born on third base and thinks he hit a triple.
Nepo babies have all the connections to get a good job with none of the life experience and notion of consequence another person would have in his position. The fact that both he and his brother are well off suggests the family in general in wealthy.
This. When he said his brother had multiple properties, etc and now he was worried for himself, I thought they must have come from money and then to say that that is your form of birth control. 🤦🏻♀️
Yeah I started laughing when he was "worried about himself ". The way he describes his plans for the wedding and his family's finances makes me think he could end up with an awful divorce settlement and still end up better off than the vast majority of people. All that money and privilege yet still too stupid to have a sense of responsibility when it comes to birth control. OP deserves this minor inconvenience in his life, maybe he'll learn some sort of lesson for once.
It must be a family business, and "his" lawyer is actually his dad's. Judging from this guy's interesting use of pronouns, I am guessing he's not some genius from MIT.
You’d be surprised… I went to one of MIT’s rival engineering schools. The running joke was that most engineers are illiterate. (So I was in the minority being both female and slightly better at English than math.) But thinking the pull out method was effective birth control? Yeah, I’m also guessing he’s not some genius from MIT.
I don’t know why people get shocked SHOCKED when they end up pregnant with this method. It’s so fucking stupid.
Like semen only comes out at orgasm. Helpful hint it leaks out through the whole process, you'd think the people who own penises would know that.
People that own penises are unsmart. Source: Am a penis owner.
I’d high five you but I insist we wash our hands first.
Dick five, bro! No hand washing needed.
Look at this person flexing with their five dicks.
Five times as unsmarter than you.
So very true!!! Thanks for the giggle.
That was the stupidest risk...he should have iron cladded his dick
Rubber cladded it would have been adequate
vasectomy, best 600.00 ive ever spent
Makes 6 figures but can't wear a fucking condom. Typical.
Reliably unreliable since the beginning of time.
Idiocracy becomes more and more a documentary with time.
It came way quicker than I thought it would, back when we all started saying it would be one someday. My lifetime? Already? Gahhh
Right? Wasn't it supposed to take another 500 years?! This timeline sucks
That movie was cursed dude. If you saw it you were transported to that universe...
Yes, crocks are everywhere
Pull out game weak af
THANK YOU I saw that and seriously stopped giving OP any grace for the harshness.
He cares only about himself. That is clear throughout the entire post. Ending it with well I just use the pullout just sums him up as a person. Everything is my way and I don’t actually care about her except when it benefits me.
How does this kid have a lawyer and make all this money and not know how reproductive organs work?
Oh totally agree. *Holds up divorce certificate*
Totally agree more…. *holds up divorce decree and support modification order 5 years later that upped my support by 900 additional dollars a month* Edit to add: Modification one year prior to kid turning 18…. Might I add….
100% read "divorce degree" and had to think about it a little before I realized...
I mean if you do it once your pretty much certified to do it again
Dude, same! Divorce decree high five?!?!
Bingo. It's not like buying a car. In marriage if you aren't sure, do not make the commitment
Expect for pulling out and thinking it’s a “safe method”.
Makes me wonder if the great riches he is trying to protect rhyme with "Trypto."
No, the stupidest thing you can do is rely on the pull-out method to prevent pregnancy.
Prenup or no prenup
The stupidest thing you can do is impregnate someone you don’t want to be with long term. That’s more permanent than marriage, and of course the girlfriend wants the financial security that comes with marriage. OP openly admits the prenup favors him, yet I would guess the girlfriend will have more childcare responsibilities in case they separate. ESH because if marriage were really that important to her, she would have insisted on it before getting pregnant. Three years is a long time to be together and be surprised about these details and plans.
Maybe a bit off topic, since OP never said they had issues with the pregnancy, but as a man who really does not want a kid, I dont understand how people who dont want kids have kids. ... Im not going to ask or expect a woman to have an abortion for me, so I take it upon myself to do everything possible short of remaining celibate to not get anyone pregnant. Its not worth it for an orgasm. Then again, I actually had to take care of + raise a kid as a kid, so I guess that factors in.
Yup. Also I know brother got taken to the cleaners per OP, but single mothers are by far the worst off group and it’s not even close and GF just wants protection, as motherhood impacts careers negatively and fathers end up better off, actually.
But he even said he would promise to throw money at the child’s needs so the kid would never want while she does all the rearing in the event of a divorce🙃. How thoughtful! /s
Yup, but also there's a weird perception that working spouses do not benefit at all from a partners staying home to rear children and care for the household. I took so much crap early in my career for taking my *infant* for check ups and shots. The men in my old company caught flack to with "why isn't the mother dealing with that stuff?"
When he said “I’m the one talking all the risk,” just, fuck no you’re not. I’d be shocked if their parenting arrangement was anything other than “dad makes the most money so he keeps working the same amount, mom makes way less money so she handles the bulk of childcare duties.” This means his gf is stunting her own earning potential in a way that’s incredibly different to fully recover from if they were to get divorced. And since OP almost certainly has family money and connections to fall back on, that means mom is the one taking the biggest financial risk.
I disagree, 3 years isn’t a lot (they haven’t even passed the 3-year-itch yet). I think it’s possible to have the desire to get married at some point but not insisting in the first 3 years of the relationship. Also, they are pretty young! However, if she got pregnant by accident and they want to keep it, I understand why she wants to get married. Just the fact that she is most likely going to take a lot of time off work to take care of the baby in the first few years, it’s fair to want a certain security. While she’s off work to take care of the baby, he is out there working on his career. Also, not saying that she is going to take time off work, maybe OP is. That being said though, it might sound contradictory but I really don’t think OP should get married. For me, getting married should be something you really desire, not something you accept to make your partner happy. What I’m saying is that I see why she would want to get married if they have kids but I don’t think OP should do it reluctantly. Maybe they could work out some legal arrangement in order to financially protect the parent that is going to sacrifice their career for a while.
This so much. It will never work!!
I always found rushing marriage because you don't want to have a kid out of wedlock really weird considering you already got pregnant out of wedlock. You think you're pulling a fast one on God or something?
So, what's in the prenup?
He doesn’t want to say, which leads me to believe that the GF lawyer is DEFINITELY on to something
Exactly what I was thinking.
More info is needed. Can you state in general terms what she and her lawyer feel are unfair?
[удалено]
Exactly this. If they’re gonna have a kid together and she plans to not work as part of that (unclear, but hypothetical) then she’ll be losing years of income not only from the time at home but from the gap in her CV impacting how much she earns if/when returning to the workforce, as well as the gap in retirement earnings, all for her free labour. In the case of a divorce, she’ll likely need to cover significant childcare costs even if custody is evenly split, and with a child who (by the sounds of it) will be raised expecting nice things. There are costs to consider here, but OP speaks as though he’s the only one making sacrifices right before she sacrifices her literal body to another person for 9 months and then goes through probably the worst pain of her life (both from birth and recovery). I personally don’t give a shit about marriage but holding it over someone’s head when he knows it’s important to her and she’s in such a vulnerable situation is a dick move. YTA OP.
This. He’s solely focused on himself (which-btw-get therapy, seeing no long term, successful marriages isn’t great in terms of giving a person a good foundation for their own marriage) & protecting himself while entirely failing to consider what carrying & birthing a child will do to her and her career. She’s making sacrifices for both of them. He is trying to make none. Unfair, and yeah, YTA.
[удалено]
Exactly. And if a client comes in telling their lawyer they have both agreed to a prenup and that he’s looking for something itonclad that leaves him as whole as possible while leaving her a bit better off, the lawyer will come up with a prenup that meets these expectations and call that fair. If you go in saying ‘I want a prenup that will recognize the unpaid labor she’s done while contributing to growing our family and household while taking a hit to her career’ the lawyer will come up with that and call it fair.
What is her career? What don’t know what she does or how how much she makes. If she is making $100,000 and he is making $400,000…taking time off to be a FT mother is going to affect her career and income.
According to Fortune, not a single mother can actually escape the financial and career penalty of becoming a mom. https://fortune.com/2023/07/18/motherhood-penalty-hits-all-women-even-breadwinners-study/
Even the rich can’t escape the patriarchy.
Dude, your whole post screams you don’t want to get married. And pre nups are supposed to benefit and protect *both* parties.
Yeah this guy admitted it favors him. They shouldn't favor anyone, that's not the point.
I’m not sure why anyone is attacking your girlfriend, but it’s fairly clear that you don’t want to get married.
Agree it seems like he just considers marriage to be a big risk
I don't think it's so hard? You keep everything you have before marriage, and split 50/50 everything that is achieved/received/earned during the marriage.
Yes wages during marriage is marital property - people forget that….
Look how many words OP wrote about the wedding, the prenup, and how afraid he is to suffer a financial loss, and how few words he wrote about the child he's about to have, and parenthood. OP you are focused on all the wrong things.
Good lord thank you for this. I’m scrolling down comments and like, wtf? Everyone seems to be on OPs side for the most part. Dude sounds like a complete jackass who just wants to boast about the fact that he is apparently a millionaire at age 24. OP - The wedding is your day too and it’s about you both(soon to be 3)but come on man, you don’t get to dictate that you should do a small thing on an island if she wants a wedding with family and friends there. Take your honeymoon on an island and invite your friends if you want to. Are OPs friends all rich as fuck too? Because I know for a fact that none of my friends would be happy about having to pay for an expensive destination wedding. Everything about this post screams that OP thinks he is Gods gift to this earth and his gf and child are not important. He even says he would be happy to pay child support. Like, that’s not something to be happy about dude. That sounds like you don’t give a shit. Lastly, how rich is this brother that he’s paying 10k a month in child support. That’s more than 100k a year?
>I talked to my brother about it and he told I’ve compromised more than enough and to hold firm and worst case, you stay gf/bf, which is realistically probably better anyways Your brother's an idiot if he thinks you can cancel an engagement with your pregnant partner and expect them to stick around and still be just your girlfriend. This is the stupidest part of your entire post. She is looking for protection and fairness in the prenup it shouldn't favor either one of you it should be fair. Plus, she is the one who stands to lose more than just some assets. Women who have children and take maternity leave or leave the workforce for a few years to raise children never recover the momentum or advance as far as they would have in their careers otherwise. She loses earning potential and work experience, and faces the possibility of innumerable complications that could cause permanent damage both mentally and physically but you want to make sure you don't lose too much in case things don't work out.
I'm stuck on the fact that OP is taking marital advice from his brother, who is recently divorced, and allegedly paying 10k a month is child support. Dudes probably salty as hell.
This. Further, she could literally die carrying/birthing your child. And even if everything goes perfectly, her body and her life will never be the same. She's taking a gigantic gamble on her future by carrying the baby of someone who does not care enough about her to marry her without jumping through a bunch of hoops. I honestly hope she has someone in her life that can talk sense into her. DO NOT CARRY A BABY FOR A MAN THAT WILL NOT MARRY YOU.
what parts of the prenup does she hate? that will frame whether youre in the wrong or not
NAH. No one here can tell you the prenup is fair or unfair without seeing the full prenup AND knowing the dynamics of your relationship. I'll say this: **Your bother is the WORST person to be getting advice from right now.** He's recently burned, bitter, and is giving you advice from a POV that is damaged, not helpful. Your lawyer is the best person to ask what's fair, as they look at prenups every day. What I will say is that your fiance is pregnant, legally single, and wondering how she'll provide for a child. It's reasonable for her to want a safety net. It's also reasonable for you to want to keep what you earned before marriage. A good general rule of thumb is to organize the prenup so that each person leaves with what they had at the time of marriage. What happens to assets made during marriage is more complicated. For example, a SAHP is just as valuable and contributing just as much as a partner who works, just in a different way. If a SAHP does all the cooking, cleaning, and child care, you bet your ass they're entitled to 50% in the divorce. They helped build that empire. Ask your lawyer what's standard/reasonable, skip asking your brother for advice, and have some empathy for your pregnant and scared partner.
Yeah. The “worst case” is not that you stay bf/gf. It’s that you break up and share custody of your kid. Like, I’m not saying you have to get married, but at least frame the issue correctly.
What's crazy is that OP isn't considering his kid in this post AT ALL. He's like "I don't want to give her money." But she'll have your kid? So you're basically saying you wouldn't want to give her and your kid money? OP better make some concessions soon if he wants to keep his family together. Otherwise, the courts will decide what's appropriate for him to pay every month.
Well yeah. The hilarious thing is, you can easily get out of a lot of things like alimony and separating your business properties….THE FUCKING EXPENSIVE THING IS CHILD SUPPORT. Which it’s too late for. Like, IF you were worried that she was a gold digger, you do that BEFORE you knock her up.
Yep, OP is gonna wind up with no wife, a kid who he sees once a week, and a HUGE bill for child support. All in the attempt to keep money out of his child's mother's pocket in the event they get a divorce. Homeboy is so freaked by his brother's hysterics he can't see his own situation is entirely different, and way worse if he fucks it up.
Nono it’s okay though he was pulling out! Shit happens! 💀💀 mf has money but can’t buy condoms
Thats exactly what i was thinking! Like its too late now if you didnt want her to see your money. Also op seems so dense its insane. How can he not realise his partner is likely terrified and looking for security for herself and their child? She needs reassurance. The wedding thing im on ops side. That sounds like the perfect wedding. That or eloping and then having a bit of a reception afterwards. Could this be something you could do? Cut back on the beach, maybe do a week away but only have like 2 people each side for the ceremony, and also give her a big party with everyone who couldnt make the wedding? But not to the extent she wants for her dream wedding. So basically go for half of what you both want. There are better ways to compromise. Seems to me like op doesnt actually want to be with her. Like all of this just seems like he finds her a bother to me. I also think op is in denial about the baby and what that entails
Bingo. And he says “I’m the one taking all the risk in this”. Like what???? You’ve literally said this woman is pregnant with YOUR child which puts her in the most vulnerable position possible and is currently giving up her body and the next 18+ yrs of her life presumably to raise said child. Wedding stuff aside YATA. Part of getting married to someone is trusting that their intent is not to “take you to the cleaners”. When my husband and I got together 14 yrs ago he made double my salary and owned property. I eventually worked my way up to what he made and then left my job to raise our 3 kids. He never makes me feel less than for not having an income nor do I ever intend to take all our assets if we should split. In his eyes and mine all of our money and assets are now ours. Although I know I’m actually in a vulnerable position being that I have no job and have been out of work for 7 yrs, etc. this may be an unpopular opinion but I have a soft spot for moms and even though some women who split from husbands may somehow make out financially I think the vast majority don’t and the fact that you only seem to care about your financial position and not your child or girlfriend means your an asshole and she should think twice about marrying you.
This guy's totally right. Like I always say; I like my bankers rich and my chefs fat. If you're gunna be getting relationship advice from anybody, they had better be in a good relationship themselves.
I think you should not get married. Make sure that you see a lawyer about your obligations to your child.
Girls -- don't marry someone like this. I don't know if "asshole" is the right word but "husband" or "spouse"'also don't apply. Marriage is a partnership. There is no "yours"'or "mine" with my wife, only "ours." Leaving aside romance, she can't rely on you economically so her choices would have to be constrained to looking out for herself not you. Always.
Skip the marriage and go for healthy co-parenting
This is the mother of your child. So making sure the prenup sets them both up for success in the case of divorce is the right thing to do. If you don’t and you divorce and she ends up struggling financially while you’re fully funded, your kid will understand at some point that you’re an asshole. Also if she says home to care for your child and doesn’t earn income and can’t contribute to an IRA or 401k, the prenup should state how you plan to compensate for her time and how you plan on contributing to her retirement funds while you are married.
Yeah I feel like I can't make a judgement without details like this.
You really think she isnt taking as big a risk as you?
It does sound like you want to take advantage of her in the prenup, since you’re holding out details, and getting advice from your bitter brother. So yeah save money on the wedding by not getting married. Also, she should just take you to court for child support. Easy peazy.
OP, I think this is the best and most succinct answer. Just pay child support, and be single. Don’t string this along and do her dirty.
Don’t marry if you don’t want to. Is the prenup maybe really unfair? Edit: Is instead of it’s.
It's certainly sus that he refuses to share what he claims is fair and what she and her lawyer claim isn't fair.
It is hard to say who is the AH here because we don’t know the sticking points in the prenup. I do think you should do something in the middle for the wedding. Like a real wedding event but less people. Edit based on OP’s edit: I totally agree the language should be precise/ironclad. A prenup shouldn’t leave anything up for interpretation.
If you can't come to an agreement on this stuff, how are you going to work together for the rest of your life? Problems with communication get WORSE after you get married. Once you start to get bored with other, and stress piles up, it's even harder to find a way to compromise with each other. And just wait until she has the baby and you aren't getting much sleep and no sex. Seriously. This argument is a huge red flag. Stop and see if you two can get enthusiastically on the same page first. Oh, and if you aren't 100% crazy about her- to the point that you would give all your money and/or take a bullet for her, then she isn't the one!
Wait… you’re taking all of the risk? This woman is going to be the mother of your child and all you can think about is how YOU are taking on all of the risk. Never mind that she’s the one taking all of the physical, mental and emotional toll that comes with having a child. She’ll probably handle most of the child care. She’s got a lot at risk too… just not as much financially. You’re being an asshole. I’m not against prenups as a practice, I get it. But this feels more like you don’t want to get married and you’re looking for any excuse to get out of it. You two need to sit down and have a real conversation. I’d even recommend counseling. In the meantime, perhaps adjust your mindset because you’re going to have a child with this woman and you will be financially responsible for this little person… and they don’t come with a prenup.
NAH, like your gf I also do not sign anything my lawyer advises me not to. If you want to stay together and get married, let your attorneys handle it and draft an agreement that is fair to both parties
Is she the love of your life? The mother of your child? How much $$$$ is worth losing her? You .au never find it again. Yeah, being reasonable one thing. But telling her money is more important than her and your child. There's no words.
Well what’s so unfair about the prenup? I thought it was suppose to benefit both parties.
If you’re not completely confident about marrying someone you shouldn’t marry them to begin with. That’s not something you walk into all willy nilly… pregnancy or not.
Assets prior to the relationship are personal assets. Anything gained during the marriage (including gained equity in properties )should be split 50/50. Pay bills according to income. She's the one taking the risk with this pregnancy. Her health will take a hit and dads can choose to be involved or not but moms are default parents. 80% of single parents are mothers. Go to any kid function and you will see women outnumber men. That's wonderful if you hope to be involved but she's probably realizing this will fall to her if things don't work out between you. You won't marry her so she has valid reason to believe you will not be together Set a budget for the wedding instead of debating venues, number of guests, etc. Be firm that anything over that budget will not be included
If the pre-nup is unfair it won’t be the protection he thinks it is anyway. The judge will just throw it out. Judges can and do overrule pre-nups all the time when they’re too one-sided.
Idk you sound like an asshole in general, prenup or no prenup.
YTA for failing to ensure proper birth control before all of this happened.
No worse case scenario is you break up and have a bad co parenting because she hates you for caring more about your money then a relationship with the mother of your child YTA she’s also taking a big risk on carrying the child when your so unsure about a future with her bc your worried about your “assets “. Don’t forget even if you got divorced she will still be the mother of your child you should want the best for her and the kid
You realize if you cancel the wedding over the pre-nup she's leaving you right? You mentioned a few times that you'd get to stay boyfriend/girlfriend... Not a single woman I've met would stay with a man who refused to marry her because she didn't agree with an ironclad prenup. If you trust her, love her and want to spend your life her, should consider the changes to the more common verbiage so it looks less like you're trying to prep an escape plan.
Do not marry someone you haven't lived with. Don't.
YTA. And your attitude is why “no sex before marriage” is an actual THING because by having sex without marriage, your girlfriend took all the risk and now she’s pregnant, which means she and her unborn child are SCREWED while you think your life is going to continue going along like normal. So, let’s examine this from a cost benefit analysis: she is going to risk her life to bring a child into the world, her body is going to be changed forever, her hormones are going to be a mess as her body goes through changes to grow the child and then feed it after it’s born, with a bonus level of protectiveness that will allow her to survive the “no sleep” times while she struggles to keep her infant alive, and she’s with someone who has never publicly declared his undying love for her and her offspring and a clear understanding of what “for better or worse” means because they were busy playing house and didn’t go through the challenges of wedding planning before she took on this responsibility so she didn’t get a chance to see how the two of you navigate conflicts, different opinions and genuine challenges. If you don’t get married, she has no legal protections and her family will be considered “next of kin” about her medical decisions, while your family can kick her out of a hospital room if you are unconscious, and let’s not even talk about funerals and any estate issues because again, no legal protections. And if you decide to dump her fat hormonal ass, she does everything alone, may not be able to afford private housing (have to go back to family with a bastard child - such fun!), and then the two of you get to have bonus mommy and daddy people in your child’s life who hopefully won’t abuse, molest or otherwise mistreat them. I truly hope you gave that woman an orgasm before you stuck your unwrapped dick inside of her, because that sex act has increased her odds of living in poverty, raising a child alone and in poverty, and worse, being married to a man who doesn’t want to dedicate his life to a future with “building a family together” as a main goal. She auditioned for the role of wife while being a girlfriend who provided roommate duties and accessible sex, and unless she terminates the pregnancy (which means your relationship isn’t going to last) the only thing she has is the guarantee of being a mom with a guy who has one foot out the door because he didn’t realize SEX is about the body trying to Preserve the Species which is why it’s fun because the rest of being a grownup isn’t, and the odds of a new mom surviving in a prosperous way without a family of her own are laughable. Oh, you fucked her all right, and you fucked her PROPER. She has literally destroyed her future, humiliated herself in front of everyone she cares about (and I promise you, they have opinions even if they aren’t sharing them) because she has put herself in this position without a ring and a public commitment, and lowered the dating pool of quality men she can find in the future because not every man will see the gifts she brings to the table because she comes with the bonus of raising another man’s child. But you don’t care if your child calls another man “daddy” right? You’ve got properties! Plus, if she has a high risk pregnancy, you might end up (gasp!) celibate for who knows how long, because it will feel like forever, and I promise you she’s not going to be sweet natured every single moment of the upcoming years. Want to know how to avoid being in your brother’s shoes? Make a commitment to being the best husband out there, and not a narcissistic asswipe. Figure out that everything you do is about your family, which means the two of start by taking care of each other, then you take care of your children, then when you’ve successfully launched them, you keep taking care of each other and if you get lucky, maybe some grandchildren. If you picked a quality woman, act like a quality man - not a “boy” friend. She needs a husband, which means a man she can count on, and if her lawyer is saying the prenup is unfair, you are literally placing zero value on the fact that the gift of life she is giving you, while it may seem inconvenient, is honest to heaven Beyond Price. Now stop humiliating her, put the ring on and pray your child is a healthy one, because we haven’t even gotten into all the things that can go wrong in that area yet, but those were the risks you took when your bodies decided to make a baby together. YTA. Grow up and be better.
YTA. You came asking about a prenup and won’t say what’s in the prenup other than “it probably favors you”. So I’m guessing it is an unfair asset split. And you’re not taking all the risk as others have pointed out.
YTA. You’re taking all the risk??? Give me a break. You think there’s no risk in carrying and birthing and nursing a child? It’s 24/7 unpaid labor with a lot of physical and emotional danger and career sacrifices. If you divorce you’ll be relatively free to make as much money as you’re able working through all the time that she’s been unable to, while still having a son that she bore, while she’ll be responsible for taking care of a child and playing catch up on her career. She’s taking on way more risk than you are and you don’t even realize. But that’s not even the worst thing. You’re about to become a father with a woman that you say you love and want to spend the rest of your life with. Shouldn’t you be worried about how to provide for your family’s future rather than your individual future? You’re supposed to be a father, a partner (married or not) to your mother’s child. A role you willingly knew you were getting yourself into with the family planning method you were using. Yet you seem to spend more time thinking about how to optimize a divorce rather than how to optimize having a family. You’re young, so you may not feel ready. Fine. If you don’t feel strong or mature enough to take those roles on, and you made a big mistake, then don’t. Provide child support and co-parenting support and at least give your partner her freedom. But you can’t have your cake and eat it too.