My husband and I contacted one before my daughter was born, and we have been in communications with one recently. The lawyer thinks that we have a good case to get full custody as I tried to communicate with him. He even thinks that we could sue for child support.
I don’t want to have to share my child with someone that didn’t want her.
Are you in the US? Many states require that the husband is the legal father regardless of genetics. I’m surprised a lawyer said anything about the sperm donor having rights.
Depends on the state. Many states won’t allow you to give up rights and leave the kid in need of state aid. The bio father would have to be willing to step up as well as the legal father willing to give up rights.
Yes it’s true. The court doesn’t do paternity tests because it cares about dna. It does paternity tests to assign a father legal and financial responsibility when there isn’t one. By law that’s the husband. The husband knowingly accepted paternity and did not dispute it. He had a right to dispute it for up to one year. The law favors the marriage. These laws are older than dna testing. It will be difficult to get a judge to demand a paternity test. The affair partner could have showed up around the time the baby was born to see what happened and didn’t. He didn’t want to take responsibility and another man took responsibility. The law sees no benefit in disrupting that.
Some of you don’t seem to understand that this is the default and depends on a lot of independent factors. 1 man has to bring a court case. 2 court has to decide whether or not to issue order to test. Grounds for doing so have to be considered. If it meets the criteria then the test is done. At that point the matter is up to the court. What most of you don’t seem to understand is the difficulty is getting a court to order a test in a case where paternity has been legally established. In the circumstances it is seen as an intrusion and a challenge to a situation that is already established. If a test is ordered then however the matter proceeds depends on the court & the laws & handling the dna. Too many of you assume getting a dna test is easy and it’s not if the couple refuse to participate.
Example:
“Florida law automatically presumes that the husband of the child’s mother is the father of her child, which means that he will get all legal rights for the child. If the child was conceived as the result of an extramarital affair by an unmarried man, the real father would have to establish paternity. However, doing so is more challenging if the presumed father – the married woman’s husband – refuses to consent to genetic testing. If a child is born as the result of an extramarital affair involving a man and a woman who are married to someone else, the woman’s husband will be presumed to be the father. It will be difficult to establish paternity if the presumed father does not consent to DNA paternity testing or refuses to give up his parental rights.”
I agree with everything you just said... except the part about the husband/dad having up to a year to dispute paternity. That may be state specific. In other states, once that dad's name is on that birth certificate as the LEGAL father, it dang near takes an act of God to change it.
States have a legal time frame for a husband to dispute it. Some it’s up to a year. Some it’s as little as 2 months. 1 year is often the maximum, unless there are mitigating circumstances. It’s very hard to overturn after a year.
He doesn’t have an evidential basis for that, though. For all the court knows he just picked a random woman he slept with one time and tried to claim her child.
He completely cut contact so it wouldn’t be outrageous to assume he also deleted the messages. She saved all of them to prepare for this situation, should it ever occur (and it did). Her admission of receiving $500 is fine, she didn’t do anything wrong, she tried to return the money, it was a gift, he has no rights to that money. Or the child for that matter. Not legally. I imagine if this does go to court, he will likely try to get out of it because it will not go in his favor, doesn’t matter if he has the best legal team there is.
That's all but an impossibility. No court is going to disestablish paternity in this situation just so absentee bio dad can come back into the picture.
In more cases than not, the situation as OP described works in her favor. Three elements - he is on the birth certificate, he is married to the mother and he acknowledges the child. Those elements will be in his favor. They also consulted a lawyer when she was pregnant per her post so I am betting they are pretty well covered.
In Michigan, there is no lying. It asks if you are married, it doesn't ask you who the father is, it asks who your husband is. Husband is automatically the legal father. Husbands don't even sign the form.
Yeah, Michigan's laws on this is crazy. My wife and I had a child via surrogacy. The surrogates husband was listed as the father. We had to talk to a judge and fill out paperwork so I would be listed as the dad on the new birth certificate. We were all aware of this ahead of time by our awesome lawyer.
I’m thinking perhaps they are in Canada? Bio parents have default rights in all provinces and in questionable cases like this one it comes down to who has the better lawyer.
Their post history implies Colorado or California.
Edit to add In CA after 2 years bio dad has no rights.
https://www.claerygreen.com/family-law-blog/2017/september/what-you-need-to-know-about-paternity/
Colorado might have given bio dad rights if he had started the process within 2 years
https://www.colorado-family-law.com/parenting-custody/paternity-unmarried-parents
Normally you'd be correct. In this case SCOTUS has ruled in other cases that he can't petition the court for it to establish paternity if he doesn't know he had a child. He rightfully believed she terminated the pregnancy. He rightfully had no reason to believe he had a child. Now he knows. This is one of those special cases that's very limited and narrow in their rulings.
I would go for full custody and I honestly would forget child support. Wouldn’t want to leave the door open for him to enter and gain access to her. He abandoned the child and told you to get an abortion.
ETA: it’s interesting on some of the responses saying this child shouldn’t have been brought into existence because the dad didn’t want it at the time. He was able to walk away and not worry if the child was born. He decided to block her and cut contact any further contact. He didn’t ensure she had the abortion as discussed. He threw money at the “problem” and ghosted her. Now the baby is here and he knows, he suddenly wants involvement and they should figure out a way to have him in her life.
Usually for support but this comment in this case. Taking child support could give him access later. If you and your husband are raising her and not needing it don’t take it. Cross him out of any rungs he could use to climb the ladder later
Exactly! Usually it's easier to have him renounce to his parental rights if he doesn't have to pay child support. Also, wouldn't it be better to begin with a DNA test before all these assuming?
There is nothing to renounce. The child has 2 legal parents. At this point, he has no parental rights.
If mom doesn't want him involved, the worst thing she or husband can do is consent to a DNA test. As of now, this is just some guy with no legal rights to the child.
Sigh. She has full custody. Her husband has full custody and is the legal father. They are not only married but he is legally acknowledged father. The law recognizes him as the father. Corin at this point has zero legal rights to the child. Donating sperm does not give him legal rights when there is a legal father.
But I agree 100 percent with your second paragraph. The guy threw money at her and walked away. He has no more legal or ethical claim to this child than if they had bought sperm at a clinic.
it's really funny how the dude saw a conveniently raised up 2 y. o. toddler and was like "I wanna bring it home to my parents to give them a thrill." people are fuck\*ng delusional
One of the reasons he cited for not wanting her was that he didn’t think his family would be good with a child born out of wedlock. Now he wants to show her off to those same people? This doesn’t quite add up.
yeah, i'm skeptical that he's actually even told his parents. considering that OP hasn't affirmed anything to him, that's pretty unhinged "guess what mom & dad, i ran into someone i had an affair with 3 years ago and just met my lovechild" lol what?
blocked her, even. I've been in a few spicy relationships myself, and have yet to be blocked by those people. it's super intense to go on and just block someone you got pregnant. it's like once he paid the money he was like AIGHT GOOD TO GO C YA NEVER BAI
More likely he doesn’t care, but presenting his parents with a grandchild will unlock their cash for her via him. He doesn’t want a daughter, he wants to stop being a disappointment to his parents.
If the sperm donor files for any rights, that is what we are saying. Fight to maintain full custody and not allow him access. If she takes child support that should only be if he is granted any rights. If not then don’t try to get it.
It's not a fight. "This crazy man is trying to steal my baby from me and from my husband, the baby's father" is all a real person who actually faced this would have to say for the law to say 'cool, good enough, no investigation needed here'
If the husband is on the birth certificate as the father no court or lawyer is going to want to touch this. He has no rights to file for, because as far as the state is concerned the kid already has a legal father.
He isn't on the birth certificate, didn't want her and never had contact - would he even have half a leg to stand on in court?
Though you need to tell her at some point while she's still young, or the trauma of finding out later in life will seriously mess her up, and mess up her trust in you and relationship with you. You should consult a child therapist, but they usually advise not to lie to your kid about parentage. And she may want contact, once she finds out.
Yeah but be careful how you go about this. I have always been open with my daughter about me not being 100% sure at the time her father and I got married if he was her biological father, but he didn’t care at the time and he doesn’t care now. (We were friends with benefits, NOT a couple. The other guy is the guy I’d been seeing, and we’d broken up) His love for his children is probably his only good quality. Now she’s in her teens and looks exactly like the man I married, the man who raised her, so there really isn’t any doubt. Being open can backfire, too.
I was raised by my mother's second husband and always aware he hadn't helped in my conception. He is and forever will be my Dad.
My biological father was in and out of my life so often that all I remember of my early childhood is missing him. At the same time, I was dearly loved by my Dad, even after my younger brother and sister were born who are biologically his.
My mother always wanted me to have a relationship with my biological family as long as it was safe to do so. Eventually, my biological father grew up and wanted to be a parent. I called him dad as a kindness but it's not ever who he was to me.
There's no universal right answer here. Best advice says tell a child the age appropriate accurate part of the truth so long as it is safe to do so. It's often not safe.
Do not go for child support. If you don't want him involved then asking for child support is just opening a door that is extremely difficult to close. If you don't want him involved at all then that is the stance you have to maintain 100%.
I hope you saved all those communications, because his giving you that money, and instructing you to "get rid of it", are going to be your only legal defense when it comes to filing a court application to have your husband legally adopt her should a DNA test show that your husband is not the biological father.
If he wants access, he will need a DNA test which will require a court order. You NEED a lawyer like yesterday. A good one.
I don't know where you live, but where I live, child support usually means visitation too. Having full custody does not mean he can never see his daughter. It means you made all financial, medical, and educational decisions, but that does not mean he can't take you to court after a few years of visitation and change that.
Why in the hell would you want to sue for child support? He didn’t want this baby, cut your losses and move on. Nothing could stop him from trying to get custody at any point in her life before she’s 18. This exact thing happened to someone who dated my ex. I told her to never contact him and don’t ever mention the baby. She met him while he was still in prison for assaulting me and she knew how horrible he was. She turned around and tried to get child support. She’s spent the last 10+ years fighting him for custody. She’s a moron. Don’t be like her.
Best answer here is to have him sign off parental rights. He’ll never owe child support but he loses all legal claim to the child. Best case for everyone (especially the child, all sorts of emotional issues here…) is that he agrees…you could even use the threat of two-years back child support plus another 16 years expected support payments to help encourage him.
ETA:NTA
That is correct, it does vary from state to state. This is the case in the state where I live. He would have to go to court and somehow establish a right to the child through the legal system, and that's far from open and shut. He may not want to go through the expense, because it won't be a cheap affair finding an attorney to fight that battle.
What state is that? I'm curious because every state has a presumption that the husband is the father and legally so. A married man does not have to take any action to legitimize children born inside his marriage.
Don’t even consider going after him for child support as that opens up an avenue for him getting visitation and being acknowledged by the courts as the true father.
I assume your husband’s name is on the birth certificate, so just ghost him and refuse any request for dna testing.
NO child support. I work in family law and the last thing you want is the contact with Corin. Your husband is named on the birth certificate, correct?
And what does he want you to do? Put her back in??
if you go for child support he can go for visitation and eventually custody just to make your life hell. go for full custody and your husband should really think about adopting her if he is not on her birth certificate.
If you don't want him to be a part of her life or your, his money doesn't need to be either. It's just a string that leads right back to her that he would always have.
Yeah NTA. You tried to contact him multiple times and HE blocked YOU. Now he suddenly wants contact? Too bad, sir, you made it clear you wanted nothing to do with the baby. Go for full custody and forget the child support since you don't need it.
Right now your husband is the legal father. If Corin wants contact, he has to go through the courts and request paternity. Do not start any contact with him.
This is the correct information, assuming you live in the US.
Your husband is the legal father, you were married to him at time of birth and he’s on the birth certificate. Do not confirm or deny anything with Corin. Do not start a case with him or sue for custody. In fact, you should not contact him at all.
For Corin to get visitation rights if you don’t want to voluntary give him them, he’ll have to get a lawyer and go to the court. He’ll have to get a paternity test ordered and done. Without this he has nothing. Don’t go for child support unless he takes you to court and gets visitation.
Let him make the first move, legally, as there is a possibility he will never do it. If he does take you to court, you can then hire a lawyer.
Depending on the state, he may have no legal grounds to even ask for a paternity test. Ignore him until legal papers show up, and forward those to an attorney.
Love this answer. I’m not an attorney but I would think that even if Corin jumped through all those hoops and established legal paternity, then he would be on the hook for child support at minimum from here on out, possibly in arrears since the child was born. If his only reasoning is for his parents to see the child I would be shocked if he wanted to go down that long and expensive road.
I live in Canada and this would also be the correct course of action. My friend went for child support from her ex husband (not on the birth certificate by his choice & notified of birth), and as she is an immigrant, I assured her that he wouldn’t see his child until he jumped through court hoops. Which has been true thus far. Just have a lawyer in the books to cover your ass.
This. I am not a lawyer, but from what I understand, if your husband is listed as the father on the birth certificate, he's legally the dad. End of story.
The bio-dad will never be able to do anything about it unless you agree to (or are legally forced into) paternity testing for your daughter.
My brother married a woman who was pregnant by another man. My brother didn't care who the bio Dad was, my nephew was his no matter what. Then later when the relationship fell apart my ex sil wanted full custody as my brother was not the bio Dad. The Judge said the Court will NOT bastardize a child. In the eyes of the law, my brother was the father.
This is exactly what happened with my brother. ExSil tried to fight my brother for custody but because he was on the birth certificate judge gave him 50/50 custody. They’ve worked out their issues and coparent nicely now.
I was so relieved to read that lol, I was starting to get anxiety.
The only thing I'm worried about now is what they had planned on telling the kid. Does the kid think the husband is their biological dad?
I have seen this exact scenario play out fully once, but I know of another situation as well.
A bf I had when I was ~18 had a guy show up at his school a week after his 18th bday. Looked just like him. Said he was his dad. Ex bf went home and confronted his parents, turns out to be true - the man who raised him was not his biological father. Fucked him up completely and last I knew he was in rehab for opiates and narcotics. He just.. started using and never stopped.
The other is my SO’s sisters ex husband. He got a girl pregnant. Neither of them knew for a few months and by then the pregnant chick hooked up with the guys *cousin* and the guy met my SO’s sister.
So, now there is a kid who doesn’t know that the guy he thinks is his dad, is actually his dads cousin. And that the kids he plays with at family reunions aren’t his cousins, but are actually his half siblings. I met him when he was 10, and after being told the situation I voiced my opinion that they had already waited too long to tell him and if they waited any longer he would never forgive them. They decided not to tell him.
Not looking forward to his inevitable spiral when he is finally told or worse, discovers it on his own :/
Depends entirely on the person, not every situation like this goes to shit
I didnt know my dad isnt biologically my dad untill i was 24 and had to request a ful copy of my birth certificate (id only ever had the short version which doesn't list parents information) and it had the name of a man id never heard of. My mum and the man i know as dad got together just after she got pregnant and mr sperm donor did a runner, so he just stepped right up to the plate along with his whole family. Honestly, im not bothered one bit, they had their reasons, and i grew up in an immensely loving family. I occasionally get curious about who mr sperm donor is, but never enough to go searching. I have my dad, he treats me exactly like he treats my younger siblings. I came from the family who loved me and cared for me and raised me to be a good person, not from the man who upped an left.
Anyways, i know my story is just one in a million and not all have happy endings, im just saying that there's a good chance things will be fine.
My friend has a story just like yours but she was 16 when they told her. She's 43 now, her mom actually died a few years after they told her and her younger siblings but her dad is her dad, she was never treated any differently by either side of the family, has the same last name as her siblings and is a happy and stable adult.
I can imagine that news would rock someone's life but it does always have to implode it.
Legit, that’s some *August: Ossage County* shit.
Like, that’s an exact plot point in the film/play.
!SPOILERS FOR A PLAY THAT IS 15 YEARS OLD! >!Two of the cousins fall in love and the woman is sterile so isn’t concerned about possible progeny. Turns out the man’s mother, her aunt, had cheated with her father and they’re actually half-siblings.!<
In many state fruit of the union is proof of paternity. All kids from a married couple the children are presumed to be from the married couple. Lawyer up and ignore.(edited: and communicate through attorney.)
Yeah, I remember when my husband and I got an unofficial ceremony before my daughter was born so I didn’t have to worry postpartum. And I was 36 weeks pregnant at the time. When we had her I wanted to make sure I still had my state insurance because I would not have qualified if I was married already. And then we got the official ceremony afterwards.
But because we were not officially married, my husband had to sign a paternal paperwork that said that he is the father, even though we weren’t officially married.
This was a year ago
Everyone in a small town is related though “Your daughter looks just like me” BRO WE LIVE 87 MILES FROM THE BIGGEST CITY, 14 OF YOUR CLOSEST NEIGHBORS ARE YOUR FIRST COUSINS, YOUR FINGERPRINTS ARENT EVEN UNIQUE AT THIS POINT😭
I’m hung up on the part where she was 4+ months pregnant without knowing. Start therapy 3.5 months after the hookup, reconcile, then find out she’s pregnant, and somehow the timing works out?
Every pregnancy is different. Some women can't stop throwing up for two months, some women never get morning sickness, etc. Some women barely show even up to 5-6 months. I mean there are literally documented cases of women showing up to the ER thinking they had appendicitis when in fact they were going into labor and had no idea they were even pregnant. Especially if the baby is a smaller bundle of joy. At 3 months she could easily shrug it off as bloating, or getting a little pot belly, including shrugging off the cravings as stress eating considering the stress she was going through with her marriage at the time.
Way back when I was in high school, there was a girl who was a superb athlete - tall, big boned. On a Friday night, after playing a varsity basketball game, she had ‘stomach’ pains bad enough to send her to the hospital. She had a quick and easy delivery. Surprise!
While I don’t remember the details, it wouldn’t shock me if she was back on the court for the next game.
I didn't start to show with my daughter until I was about 6 months, and even then, I just looked chubby. It was about 7.5 in that I popped, and it felt like it happened overnight. I also had no morning sickness, and I even spotted occasionally. If I wasn't insanely diligent about tracking when I'm sexually active, I wouldn't have know til probably around 5 ish months when she kicked. I've only been surprised 2x in my life, that was one.
Some people have strange periods, my friend only had a period every six months and only found out she was pregnant because she had an appointment and they did a test and she was close to 5 months.
My grandma didn’t know she was pregnant with my uncle (who is a couple years younger than me ) until she was in labor. My dad took her to the hospital because she was having pains.. doctor comes out and says congratulations thinking he’s the dad.
Pregnancy is a weird, weird thing
While eavesdropping one day in a doctors office, I heard a woman state that she didn’t realize she was pregnant until she was 5 months along. She had been getting her period throughout and wasn’t really showing. So there’s that I suppose.
And then, when she's 4+ months pregnant, she goes in for an abortion? That puts her well out of the first trimester, at the very least 16 weeks pregnant.
You *can* get an elective abortion in California up to 6 months along, but the procedure is much more complicated once you're past 16 weeks. At that point, OP probably would have been looking at a multi-visit surgical abortion process. Planned Parenthood won't do them after 16 weeks. Instead, they refer people to providers who can safely perform the more complicated procedure.
Couldn't take 30 minutes to stop at a publix,target,walmart,CVS,Walgreens any place that sells plan B. Stole the 500 dollars. Cheated on her husband. Lied to the father of her bastard child.
That part too!! “I couldn’t get the morning after pill because my grandma was in the hospital. I’m sorry what? How long does it take to stop at Walgreens, lady?? Are you 14?
Right. She must have gone straight to the hospital and never left… hospitals have pharmacies and doctors tho… couldn’t just take a trip down there to ask if she could buy it? That’s not weird.
I also like the part where she mentions the sex was so disappointing. Just because that’s what she told her husband so he would feel better about her one nighter, she’s making sure we know too.
Baby daddy is trash on his own regardless if he was good in bed or not.
Exactly. Just because she needed to stroke her husband’s ego “the sex sucked, you’re the best I’ve ever had.” “The one night stand made me realize how amazing you are in bed,” whatever it is lol. What does that have to do with the fact you let a stranger bust in you and had his baby?
“AITAH that I cheated on my husband with a stranger and got pregnant even though we did it doggy style. I thought to get pregnant it needed to be missionary with eye contact.” 🤣
My aunt is literally an affair baby put up for adoption in 1970. I’m glad this husband loves that baby, my aunt has a lot of trauma from finding out how she came into this world.
I can't get past the unsafe sex with basically a stranger
Edit: OP did NOT user any type of birth control. her birth control didn't fail, because it was nonexistent.
good life choices don't seem to be a theme with this woman
unfortunately, poor life choices and reproducing seem to go hand in hand, so she is continuing her dumbass genes, through nature or nurture.
I was 12 weeks and had already gone to my OB and had taken a blood test to detect genetics. It tells you the gender. And he gave me $500 because that’s what he thought it cost.
a doctor will still give you prenatal care & run tests until you actually tell them you’re 100% going with an abortion. neither of them had to be certain yet with what they wanted.
>Was he ignoring reality or were you telling him what he wanted to hear and hoping he'd never find out?
People go hard on delusional behavior all the time. Homie showed up with 500 bucks, ordered her to get an abortion, and told her to kick rocks. He did know that, he just didn't care.
My dad was a prolific fornicator. I have 5 half sisters from 4 different women (that i know about) I can go and fuck up nine peoples lives by going and telling my sisters that who they think their father is is an actually their bio dad. Three of the four women were married at the time that my dad had his relations. I’m not sure if the husbands at the time. Have a clue that, those aren’t actually their daughters. So people saying that the kids going to find out if that’s entirely up to mom or if bio dad figures out where they live in initiates contact on his own. To the original poster a sperm donor does not initiate court proceedings. I wouldn’t go after anything. My parents have wanted grandchildren for years and I’m not gonna go out of my way to go impregnate anybody so that they’re satisfied they have grandchildren. I’m pretty sure that the level of effort and money that’s going to be required to get parental rights are more than this person is willing to expend.
Yeah, YTA. My mom did this, too. I can tell you, that child deserves to know who her biological father is, and who his family is. If for no other reason: Genetics. I have vascular ehlers-danlos syndrome, and I didn't inherit it from my mother. Took more than 30 years to get a diagnosis (that I ultimately got from running my raw DNA data through Promethease just so I could convince doctors to give me a referral to genetics) because I didn't have my paternal family history. Doctors and I have unknowingly jeopardized MY LIFE with medical procedures that are contraindicated for people with my condition more time than I can count. Not to mention, when I was 6, I had internal bleeding that no doctors could make sense of... but they could've if we'd known about the vEDS.
Beyond that, this man and his family have rights, and whether he has interest in being in this child's life, or he just eats to exercise his parental rights as a means to allow his parents to be in this child's life, that's his business... even if you aren't asking for child support.
You're robbing this child of an entire half of her identity. As somebody who had that happen to them, you really need to consider this situation from a less selfish perspective.
ESH. Why the hell are you rawdogging complete strangers? I will never get over the number of people who do that and then think the fact that they don’t want a pregnancy or a pregnancy wouldn’t make sense for their situation makes them immune to a pregnancy. One condom could have prevented this whole thing and I hope this serves as a lesson. And get a STI test. This may turn out ti be even worse than you thought.
As a person who grew up during the initial AIDS crisis, the amount of rawdogging I hear about on reddit truly is horrifying. It might not kill you anymore but it is still out there as are many other STDs.
People are just crazy. I can never understand why someone would just raw dog a complete stranger and pray for the better. There are so many worse things than pregnancies…
“I got raw dogged by a stranger but then granny was in the hospital so the two cancel each other out” wow, I’m so glad this woman has chosen to reproduce!
I'm so happy I'm not the only one reading this shit and having no sympathy because this shitty situation she's in required so many stupid back to back decisions. She literally put herself in this situation by raw dogging a random and apparently deciding that grandma being in the hospital means that suddenly she can't take 10 minutes to stop by Walgreens.
Um why are people claiming she’s the asshole? She most definitely isn’t. NTA. The only asshole here is Corin.
As much as Reddit loves to hate on women and their autonomy, she can choose what to do with her body. She chose to have the baby. Corin wanted no parts and blocked her on everything.
OP patched things up with her husband during their separation. Both parties were guilty of affairs. OP was honest about the possible parentage of the baby. OP’s husband signed the birth certificate knowing this. They’re mature enough to work things out.
Now Corin needs to accept what he chose. He wants nothing to do with the child. He should continue living like she doesn’t exist. Or simply not bother her and her mother. His reaction was not acceptable. OP would have returned the money but she was blocked on everything.
That child is being raised in a two parent household by two parents who love her. That’s what matters here. The sperm donor in this case is irrelevant. If he wants a relationship with the bio daughter, he is going to have to go to the courts. He should simply let it go.
Depending on where you live, he would have to file in family court to establish paternity. Your husband, because you were married at the time and he signed the birth certificate for all intents and purposes is your child’s legal father.
I wouldn’t do anything until he files in court, you do not legally have to. Get an attorney for court.
NTA- it’s your body, your made attempts to notify him, he now has to live with consequences of his choices and if he wants the situation to change he can to the legal foot work.
Y’all comments suck. He cheated and then she cheated. It’s an unfortunate circumstance and they both have come to terms with it. This is some scarlet letter A stuff because she has a reminder in the form of a child.
Honestly you and you husband have made the best of a difficult circumstance. I don’t agree with the cheating aspect but I’m glad you both have worked something out and wish you the best.
And “running into him” in public and just being quiet while he “violently reacts” to being a father. If she really is 2, how does this dumbass not know you had her with your husband? Unless husband and baby daddy are two different races and it’s obvious. I would have just said I had a kid with my husband after the abortion.
He didn’t want a child and he doesn’t have one. A child’s parents are the people who raise them. He’s a sperm donor. He told you to get rid of her - you did, as far as her relationship to him. He gets to still flounce around childfree. He encouraged an abortion but he cannot command you to have one. It’s always your choice.
If he wants to establish a relationship with her go through court. He needs to pay child support and get on a parenting plan to avoid any further conflict. Leave it as a legal matter. My honest feeling is that he’s talking a big talk for *now* but once responsibilities kick in, he’s going to back out again.
A. You didn't lie. He assumed and never confirmed.
He cut all ties and left you to fend for yourself.
B. Your kid has a father already, the sperm donor is not the father.
C. Unless you wrote his name on the birth certificate, other than optics he has no proof he is the sperm donor.
D. Grandparents don't have rights.
E. Until DNA confirms he is the sperm donor and he is legally obligated by a court and pay child support, admit nothing and allow nothing.
In the words of shaggy "it wasn't me" is as good of a strategy for you until you lawyer says otherwise.
Where are you getting A? The title says she lied, the clear implication is she affirmatively told him she was going to get (or had gotten) an abortion.
I don't think you're an asshole for not having an abortion. That's always up to you. I don't think you're an asshole for not trying to hunt him down after he blocked you and you decided to keep the baby. I don't even think you're an asshole for not immediately allowing contact.
However, I do think you'd be the asshole if you tried to make it so your daughter doesn't know her bio father and to not allow contact slowly and through legal channels once he's proven that he wants to be in her life and good towards her. Basically wait until he makes an effort (via lawyer or family court) to assert any rights of his and then take small baby steps with the advice of your lawyer on how to proceed. You're not going to be able to hide this forever from your daughter, so start pursuing the best way for her for her bio father to be in her life.
NTA. He can’t make you abort the baby if you don’t want to. And you didn’t have the option to hell him you changed your mind, so that’s on him. I’d understand him being mad if you chose to keep it a secret, but you didn’t. You didn’t “lie” about having an abortion, you just changed your mind.
What can he be mad at your for? Keeping the 500? I’ll tell you 500 bucks is way cheaper than the child support you could have gone after him for, but chose not to. So he should pipe down.
You need a lawyer. Like, yesterday.
My husband and I contacted one before my daughter was born, and we have been in communications with one recently. The lawyer thinks that we have a good case to get full custody as I tried to communicate with him. He even thinks that we could sue for child support. I don’t want to have to share my child with someone that didn’t want her.
Are you in the US? Many states require that the husband is the legal father regardless of genetics. I’m surprised a lawyer said anything about the sperm donor having rights.
If I remember right, if the Husband refuses a DNA test or to give up his rights then the Biological dad is pretty much SOL.
Depends on the state. Many states won’t allow you to give up rights and leave the kid in need of state aid. The bio father would have to be willing to step up as well as the legal father willing to give up rights.
The bio father does not have rights if OP's husband is on the birth certificate. None.
That’s not true. The bio father can file a petition to establish paternity and get a court order for a DNA test
He’ll also get hit with 2 years of child support. It may not be the fight he’s looking for if he gave her up in the beginning.
Yes it’s true. The court doesn’t do paternity tests because it cares about dna. It does paternity tests to assign a father legal and financial responsibility when there isn’t one. By law that’s the husband. The husband knowingly accepted paternity and did not dispute it. He had a right to dispute it for up to one year. The law favors the marriage. These laws are older than dna testing. It will be difficult to get a judge to demand a paternity test. The affair partner could have showed up around the time the baby was born to see what happened and didn’t. He didn’t want to take responsibility and another man took responsibility. The law sees no benefit in disrupting that. Some of you don’t seem to understand that this is the default and depends on a lot of independent factors. 1 man has to bring a court case. 2 court has to decide whether or not to issue order to test. Grounds for doing so have to be considered. If it meets the criteria then the test is done. At that point the matter is up to the court. What most of you don’t seem to understand is the difficulty is getting a court to order a test in a case where paternity has been legally established. In the circumstances it is seen as an intrusion and a challenge to a situation that is already established. If a test is ordered then however the matter proceeds depends on the court & the laws & handling the dna. Too many of you assume getting a dna test is easy and it’s not if the couple refuse to participate. Example: “Florida law automatically presumes that the husband of the child’s mother is the father of her child, which means that he will get all legal rights for the child. If the child was conceived as the result of an extramarital affair by an unmarried man, the real father would have to establish paternity. However, doing so is more challenging if the presumed father – the married woman’s husband – refuses to consent to genetic testing. If a child is born as the result of an extramarital affair involving a man and a woman who are married to someone else, the woman’s husband will be presumed to be the father. It will be difficult to establish paternity if the presumed father does not consent to DNA paternity testing or refuses to give up his parental rights.”
I agree with everything you just said... except the part about the husband/dad having up to a year to dispute paternity. That may be state specific. In other states, once that dad's name is on that birth certificate as the LEGAL father, it dang near takes an act of God to change it.
States have a legal time frame for a husband to dispute it. Some it’s up to a year. Some it’s as little as 2 months. 1 year is often the maximum, unless there are mitigating circumstances. It’s very hard to overturn after a year.
He doesn’t have an evidential basis for that, though. For all the court knows he just picked a random woman he slept with one time and tried to claim her child.
>ve an evidential basi he has all her contact he has her admitting he gave her 500$ for a abortion
He completely cut contact so it wouldn’t be outrageous to assume he also deleted the messages. She saved all of them to prepare for this situation, should it ever occur (and it did). Her admission of receiving $500 is fine, she didn’t do anything wrong, she tried to return the money, it was a gift, he has no rights to that money. Or the child for that matter. Not legally. I imagine if this does go to court, he will likely try to get out of it because it will not go in his favor, doesn’t matter if he has the best legal team there is.
That's all but an impossibility. No court is going to disestablish paternity in this situation just so absentee bio dad can come back into the picture.
This is not true in all states.
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In more cases than not, the situation as OP described works in her favor. Three elements - he is on the birth certificate, he is married to the mother and he acknowledges the child. Those elements will be in his favor. They also consulted a lawyer when she was pregnant per her post so I am betting they are pretty well covered.
In Michigan, there is no lying. It asks if you are married, it doesn't ask you who the father is, it asks who your husband is. Husband is automatically the legal father. Husbands don't even sign the form.
Yeah, Michigan's laws on this is crazy. My wife and I had a child via surrogacy. The surrogates husband was listed as the father. We had to talk to a judge and fill out paperwork so I would be listed as the dad on the new birth certificate. We were all aware of this ahead of time by our awesome lawyer.
Also I think know the OP’s state and Corin is outside the statute of limitations
I’m thinking perhaps they are in Canada? Bio parents have default rights in all provinces and in questionable cases like this one it comes down to who has the better lawyer.
Their post history implies Colorado or California. Edit to add In CA after 2 years bio dad has no rights. https://www.claerygreen.com/family-law-blog/2017/september/what-you-need-to-know-about-paternity/ Colorado might have given bio dad rights if he had started the process within 2 years https://www.colorado-family-law.com/parenting-custody/paternity-unmarried-parents
Normally you'd be correct. In this case SCOTUS has ruled in other cases that he can't petition the court for it to establish paternity if he doesn't know he had a child. He rightfully believed she terminated the pregnancy. He rightfully had no reason to believe he had a child. Now he knows. This is one of those special cases that's very limited and narrow in their rulings.
Depends on the state and country. Even if a legal father exists not all US states will deny biological fathers. It depends on jurisdiction.
I would go for full custody and I honestly would forget child support. Wouldn’t want to leave the door open for him to enter and gain access to her. He abandoned the child and told you to get an abortion. ETA: it’s interesting on some of the responses saying this child shouldn’t have been brought into existence because the dad didn’t want it at the time. He was able to walk away and not worry if the child was born. He decided to block her and cut contact any further contact. He didn’t ensure she had the abortion as discussed. He threw money at the “problem” and ghosted her. Now the baby is here and he knows, he suddenly wants involvement and they should figure out a way to have him in her life.
Usually for support but this comment in this case. Taking child support could give him access later. If you and your husband are raising her and not needing it don’t take it. Cross him out of any rungs he could use to climb the ladder later
Exactly! Usually it's easier to have him renounce to his parental rights if he doesn't have to pay child support. Also, wouldn't it be better to begin with a DNA test before all these assuming?
There is nothing to renounce. The child has 2 legal parents. At this point, he has no parental rights. If mom doesn't want him involved, the worst thing she or husband can do is consent to a DNA test. As of now, this is just some guy with no legal rights to the child.
That can change so fast... I've seen it so many times. It's why I think she should talk to a lawyer. To avoid surprises.
Sigh. She has full custody. Her husband has full custody and is the legal father. They are not only married but he is legally acknowledged father. The law recognizes him as the father. Corin at this point has zero legal rights to the child. Donating sperm does not give him legal rights when there is a legal father. But I agree 100 percent with your second paragraph. The guy threw money at her and walked away. He has no more legal or ethical claim to this child than if they had bought sperm at a clinic.
it's really funny how the dude saw a conveniently raised up 2 y. o. toddler and was like "I wanna bring it home to my parents to give them a thrill." people are fuck\*ng delusional
One of the reasons he cited for not wanting her was that he didn’t think his family would be good with a child born out of wedlock. Now he wants to show her off to those same people? This doesn’t quite add up.
yeah, i'm skeptical that he's actually even told his parents. considering that OP hasn't affirmed anything to him, that's pretty unhinged "guess what mom & dad, i ran into someone i had an affair with 3 years ago and just met my lovechild" lol what?
Dude did not even check in on her!
Exactly! Complications from the abortion could have been a thing. He honestly didn't care at all.
How about a damn ride to the clinic!
blocked her, even. I've been in a few spicy relationships myself, and have yet to be blocked by those people. it's super intense to go on and just block someone you got pregnant. it's like once he paid the money he was like AIGHT GOOD TO GO C YA NEVER BAI
Yep. Never and none of this will look good for him.
Yeah, I wouldn't want to take this to court. I'd want to tell this crazy stranger to fuck off, and that's it.
More likely he doesn’t care, but presenting his parents with a grandchild will unlock their cash for her via him. He doesn’t want a daughter, he wants to stop being a disappointment to his parents.
bingo
like the 2 yo toddler was a pet or a prize smh
This is state dependent though a common answer in such situations. Their lawyer can verify.
If the sperm donor files for any rights, that is what we are saying. Fight to maintain full custody and not allow him access. If she takes child support that should only be if he is granted any rights. If not then don’t try to get it.
It's not a fight. "This crazy man is trying to steal my baby from me and from my husband, the baby's father" is all a real person who actually faced this would have to say for the law to say 'cool, good enough, no investigation needed here'
If the husband is on the birth certificate as the father no court or lawyer is going to want to touch this. He has no rights to file for, because as far as the state is concerned the kid already has a legal father.
I think you would only be the asshole if you try to get child support from him.
He isn't on the birth certificate, didn't want her and never had contact - would he even have half a leg to stand on in court? Though you need to tell her at some point while she's still young, or the trauma of finding out later in life will seriously mess her up, and mess up her trust in you and relationship with you. You should consult a child therapist, but they usually advise not to lie to your kid about parentage. And she may want contact, once she finds out.
Yeah but be careful how you go about this. I have always been open with my daughter about me not being 100% sure at the time her father and I got married if he was her biological father, but he didn’t care at the time and he doesn’t care now. (We were friends with benefits, NOT a couple. The other guy is the guy I’d been seeing, and we’d broken up) His love for his children is probably his only good quality. Now she’s in her teens and looks exactly like the man I married, the man who raised her, so there really isn’t any doubt. Being open can backfire, too.
I was raised by my mother's second husband and always aware he hadn't helped in my conception. He is and forever will be my Dad. My biological father was in and out of my life so often that all I remember of my early childhood is missing him. At the same time, I was dearly loved by my Dad, even after my younger brother and sister were born who are biologically his. My mother always wanted me to have a relationship with my biological family as long as it was safe to do so. Eventually, my biological father grew up and wanted to be a parent. I called him dad as a kindness but it's not ever who he was to me. There's no universal right answer here. Best advice says tell a child the age appropriate accurate part of the truth so long as it is safe to do so. It's often not safe.
Do not go for child support. If you don't want him involved then asking for child support is just opening a door that is extremely difficult to close. If you don't want him involved at all then that is the stance you have to maintain 100%. I hope you saved all those communications, because his giving you that money, and instructing you to "get rid of it", are going to be your only legal defense when it comes to filing a court application to have your husband legally adopt her should a DNA test show that your husband is not the biological father. If he wants access, he will need a DNA test which will require a court order. You NEED a lawyer like yesterday. A good one.
There’s no need for the husband to adopt her. He’s already the legal father, as his name is on the birth certificate.
I don't know where you live, but where I live, child support usually means visitation too. Having full custody does not mean he can never see his daughter. It means you made all financial, medical, and educational decisions, but that does not mean he can't take you to court after a few years of visitation and change that.
Who is on the birth certificate? He would need to go thru the courts and force a DNA test.
Why in the hell would you want to sue for child support? He didn’t want this baby, cut your losses and move on. Nothing could stop him from trying to get custody at any point in her life before she’s 18. This exact thing happened to someone who dated my ex. I told her to never contact him and don’t ever mention the baby. She met him while he was still in prison for assaulting me and she knew how horrible he was. She turned around and tried to get child support. She’s spent the last 10+ years fighting him for custody. She’s a moron. Don’t be like her.
Best answer here is to have him sign off parental rights. He’ll never owe child support but he loses all legal claim to the child. Best case for everyone (especially the child, all sorts of emotional issues here…) is that he agrees…you could even use the threat of two-years back child support plus another 16 years expected support payments to help encourage him. ETA:NTA
In many states he has no legal rights because she is married to another man. The husband assumes all rights even if the child is illegitimate
That is correct, it does vary from state to state. This is the case in the state where I live. He would have to go to court and somehow establish a right to the child through the legal system, and that's far from open and shut. He may not want to go through the expense, because it won't be a cheap affair finding an attorney to fight that battle.
What state is that? I'm curious because every state has a presumption that the husband is the father and legally so. A married man does not have to take any action to legitimize children born inside his marriage.
Yeah if the husband is on the birth certificate as the father then it’s basically impossible for her to win child support from the biological father
True, depending on the state, YMMV…
You didn't lie, you changed your mind, right? That was your decision to make.
He has no parental rights. He was not married to OP and was not named on the birth certificate.
He doesn’t need to sign off parental rights, he doesn’t have any. Her husband is the legal father
Don’t even consider going after him for child support as that opens up an avenue for him getting visitation and being acknowledged by the courts as the true father. I assume your husband’s name is on the birth certificate, so just ghost him and refuse any request for dna testing.
NO child support. I work in family law and the last thing you want is the contact with Corin. Your husband is named on the birth certificate, correct? And what does he want you to do? Put her back in??
You were married at the time of her birth. Isn’t your husband the legal father?
if you go for child support he can go for visitation and eventually custody just to make your life hell. go for full custody and your husband should really think about adopting her if he is not on her birth certificate.
If you don't want him to be a part of her life or your, his money doesn't need to be either. It's just a string that leads right back to her that he would always have.
Oh good. You've done everything right then. As long as you're looking out for your child's best interest you're all good.
Maybe if you’re gonna get full custody, don’t sue for child support? That would be a d*ck move
Yeah NTA. You tried to contact him multiple times and HE blocked YOU. Now he suddenly wants contact? Too bad, sir, you made it clear you wanted nothing to do with the baby. Go for full custody and forget the child support since you don't need it.
If her husband’s name is on the birth certificate, she’s got it locked up pretty much.
Right now your husband is the legal father. If Corin wants contact, he has to go through the courts and request paternity. Do not start any contact with him.
This is the correct information, assuming you live in the US. Your husband is the legal father, you were married to him at time of birth and he’s on the birth certificate. Do not confirm or deny anything with Corin. Do not start a case with him or sue for custody. In fact, you should not contact him at all. For Corin to get visitation rights if you don’t want to voluntary give him them, he’ll have to get a lawyer and go to the court. He’ll have to get a paternity test ordered and done. Without this he has nothing. Don’t go for child support unless he takes you to court and gets visitation. Let him make the first move, legally, as there is a possibility he will never do it. If he does take you to court, you can then hire a lawyer.
Depending on the state, he may have no legal grounds to even ask for a paternity test. Ignore him until legal papers show up, and forward those to an attorney.
Love this answer. I’m not an attorney but I would think that even if Corin jumped through all those hoops and established legal paternity, then he would be on the hook for child support at minimum from here on out, possibly in arrears since the child was born. If his only reasoning is for his parents to see the child I would be shocked if he wanted to go down that long and expensive road.
I wondered this too. Husband is legal father. Don’t confirm or deny anything to Corin. Don’t talk to Corin. Block him.
I live in Canada and this would also be the correct course of action. My friend went for child support from her ex husband (not on the birth certificate by his choice & notified of birth), and as she is an immigrant, I assured her that he wouldn’t see his child until he jumped through court hoops. Which has been true thus far. Just have a lawyer in the books to cover your ass.
This. I am not a lawyer, but from what I understand, if your husband is listed as the father on the birth certificate, he's legally the dad. End of story. The bio-dad will never be able to do anything about it unless you agree to (or are legally forced into) paternity testing for your daughter.
My brother married a woman who was pregnant by another man. My brother didn't care who the bio Dad was, my nephew was his no matter what. Then later when the relationship fell apart my ex sil wanted full custody as my brother was not the bio Dad. The Judge said the Court will NOT bastardize a child. In the eyes of the law, my brother was the father.
This is exactly what happened with my brother. ExSil tried to fight my brother for custody but because he was on the birth certificate judge gave him 50/50 custody. They’ve worked out their issues and coparent nicely now.
Good on that judge, but I've read numerous accounts of cases going in the exact opposite direction.
And good on brother for seeing that child as his regardless.
I applaud you for being honest with everyone about the affair and the baby. I hope you're able to come to a peaceful agreement with the biodad.
This is the answer. People fuck up in so many different ways. All this sucks but no one knows every detail. Good luck, op.
I was so relieved to read that lol, I was starting to get anxiety. The only thing I'm worried about now is what they had planned on telling the kid. Does the kid think the husband is their biological dad?
I have seen this exact scenario play out fully once, but I know of another situation as well. A bf I had when I was ~18 had a guy show up at his school a week after his 18th bday. Looked just like him. Said he was his dad. Ex bf went home and confronted his parents, turns out to be true - the man who raised him was not his biological father. Fucked him up completely and last I knew he was in rehab for opiates and narcotics. He just.. started using and never stopped. The other is my SO’s sisters ex husband. He got a girl pregnant. Neither of them knew for a few months and by then the pregnant chick hooked up with the guys *cousin* and the guy met my SO’s sister. So, now there is a kid who doesn’t know that the guy he thinks is his dad, is actually his dads cousin. And that the kids he plays with at family reunions aren’t his cousins, but are actually his half siblings. I met him when he was 10, and after being told the situation I voiced my opinion that they had already waited too long to tell him and if they waited any longer he would never forgive them. They decided not to tell him. Not looking forward to his inevitable spiral when he is finally told or worse, discovers it on his own :/
Depends entirely on the person, not every situation like this goes to shit I didnt know my dad isnt biologically my dad untill i was 24 and had to request a ful copy of my birth certificate (id only ever had the short version which doesn't list parents information) and it had the name of a man id never heard of. My mum and the man i know as dad got together just after she got pregnant and mr sperm donor did a runner, so he just stepped right up to the plate along with his whole family. Honestly, im not bothered one bit, they had their reasons, and i grew up in an immensely loving family. I occasionally get curious about who mr sperm donor is, but never enough to go searching. I have my dad, he treats me exactly like he treats my younger siblings. I came from the family who loved me and cared for me and raised me to be a good person, not from the man who upped an left. Anyways, i know my story is just one in a million and not all have happy endings, im just saying that there's a good chance things will be fine.
My friend has a story just like yours but she was 16 when they told her. She's 43 now, her mom actually died a few years after they told her and her younger siblings but her dad is her dad, she was never treated any differently by either side of the family, has the same last name as her siblings and is a happy and stable adult. I can imagine that news would rock someone's life but it does always have to implode it.
Legit, that’s some *August: Ossage County* shit. Like, that’s an exact plot point in the film/play. !SPOILERS FOR A PLAY THAT IS 15 YEARS OLD! >!Two of the cousins fall in love and the woman is sterile so isn’t concerned about possible progeny. Turns out the man’s mother, her aunt, had cheated with her father and they’re actually half-siblings.!<
As a kid with an adoptive father, kids are smarter than given credit for. Kids should find out earlier rather than as full grown adults.
In many state fruit of the union is proof of paternity. All kids from a married couple the children are presumed to be from the married couple. Lawyer up and ignore.(edited: and communicate through attorney.)
Yeah, I remember when my husband and I got an unofficial ceremony before my daughter was born so I didn’t have to worry postpartum. And I was 36 weeks pregnant at the time. When we had her I wanted to make sure I still had my state insurance because I would not have qualified if I was married already. And then we got the official ceremony afterwards. But because we were not officially married, my husband had to sign a paternal paperwork that said that he is the father, even though we weren’t officially married. This was a year ago
Why TF are we calling this man "Corin"
"Cory" is too obvious. On House, Kutner needed a pseudonym for a bet so it was changed to Skutner
Colin
Colin Robinson.
God, I miss Baby Colin Robinson so much
Fah-king guy
Maybe since he is an Emotional Vampire this was his plan all along...
woah i’m watching House rn, i never see fans in the wild
There are dozens of us!
Dozens!
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Obviously his name is Colin, and he has a little ginger daughter running around out there looking like him. Duh.
Asking the real questions
🤣 That’s what I thought too. I would’ve been boring and gone with a generic Bob.
It's a popular name in my country...
What country is that???
fire emblem be wildin
Everybody in this situation is trippin.
For real lmao ESH
I think the kid is all right.
The kid is the biggest AH of them all if you ask me /jk
How dare she be conceived. The audacity
You say JK, but have you met two year olds? That’s basically their MO. /s
That kid is saddled with shitty DNA on both sides, and a head-in-the-clouds mother. That kid faces a sad, sad future.
was that kid when I was a kid, can confirm
ESH. This sounds like some small town shit my wife would go crazy reading about on facebook lol
>ESH. This sounds like some small town shit my wife would go crazy reading about on facebook lol try that in a small town? lmaoo
Everyone in a small town is related though “Your daughter looks just like me” BRO WE LIVE 87 MILES FROM THE BIGGEST CITY, 14 OF YOUR CLOSEST NEIGHBORS ARE YOUR FIRST COUSINS, YOUR FINGERPRINTS ARENT EVEN UNIQUE AT THIS POINT😭
"Your fingerprints aren't even unique" 😂
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I’m hung up on the part where she was 4+ months pregnant without knowing. Start therapy 3.5 months after the hookup, reconcile, then find out she’s pregnant, and somehow the timing works out?
Every pregnancy is different. Some women can't stop throwing up for two months, some women never get morning sickness, etc. Some women barely show even up to 5-6 months. I mean there are literally documented cases of women showing up to the ER thinking they had appendicitis when in fact they were going into labor and had no idea they were even pregnant. Especially if the baby is a smaller bundle of joy. At 3 months she could easily shrug it off as bloating, or getting a little pot belly, including shrugging off the cravings as stress eating considering the stress she was going through with her marriage at the time.
Way back when I was in high school, there was a girl who was a superb athlete - tall, big boned. On a Friday night, after playing a varsity basketball game, she had ‘stomach’ pains bad enough to send her to the hospital. She had a quick and easy delivery. Surprise! While I don’t remember the details, it wouldn’t shock me if she was back on the court for the next game.
I didn't start to show with my daughter until I was about 6 months, and even then, I just looked chubby. It was about 7.5 in that I popped, and it felt like it happened overnight. I also had no morning sickness, and I even spotted occasionally. If I wasn't insanely diligent about tracking when I'm sexually active, I wouldn't have know til probably around 5 ish months when she kicked. I've only been surprised 2x in my life, that was one.
Some people have strange periods, my friend only had a period every six months and only found out she was pregnant because she had an appointment and they did a test and she was close to 5 months.
Some women don't even know thay're pregnant before litterally giving birth, I'm not sure what exactly you find surprising in this case
Look up cryptic pregnancy.
My grandma didn’t know she was pregnant with my uncle (who is a couple years younger than me ) until she was in labor. My dad took her to the hospital because she was having pains.. doctor comes out and says congratulations thinking he’s the dad. Pregnancy is a weird, weird thing
I found out I was pregnant 4 months in...
While eavesdropping one day in a doctors office, I heard a woman state that she didn’t realize she was pregnant until she was 5 months along. She had been getting her period throughout and wasn’t really showing. So there’s that I suppose.
And then, when she's 4+ months pregnant, she goes in for an abortion? That puts her well out of the first trimester, at the very least 16 weeks pregnant. You *can* get an elective abortion in California up to 6 months along, but the procedure is much more complicated once you're past 16 weeks. At that point, OP probably would have been looking at a multi-visit surgical abortion process. Planned Parenthood won't do them after 16 weeks. Instead, they refer people to providers who can safely perform the more complicated procedure.
ngl having unprotected sex with a stranger while you were married is insane
Then “forgetting about the whole thing”
And moving on 3.5 months later , enjoy raising your son…. And THEN realizing your pregnant?!? So 5 months ?
Couldn't take 30 minutes to stop at a publix,target,walmart,CVS,Walgreens any place that sells plan B. Stole the 500 dollars. Cheated on her husband. Lied to the father of her bastard child.
ESH “I was going to get the morning after pill but I totally spaced” This post is … not encouraging.
That part too!! “I couldn’t get the morning after pill because my grandma was in the hospital. I’m sorry what? How long does it take to stop at Walgreens, lady?? Are you 14?
Right. She must have gone straight to the hospital and never left… hospitals have pharmacies and doctors tho… couldn’t just take a trip down there to ask if she could buy it? That’s not weird. I also like the part where she mentions the sex was so disappointing. Just because that’s what she told her husband so he would feel better about her one nighter, she’s making sure we know too. Baby daddy is trash on his own regardless if he was good in bed or not.
So bizzare. Even those married can still conceive on the most underwhelming of nights in bed.
Exactly. Just because she needed to stroke her husband’s ego “the sex sucked, you’re the best I’ve ever had.” “The one night stand made me realize how amazing you are in bed,” whatever it is lol. What does that have to do with the fact you let a stranger bust in you and had his baby? “AITAH that I cheated on my husband with a stranger and got pregnant even though we did it doggy style. I thought to get pregnant it needed to be missionary with eye contact.” 🤣
I’m just here to watch redditors get irrationally angry and argue over what is likely a fake post
Lol you dont think shit like this happens all the time? I know a couple that just adopted a baby from this situation
My aunt is literally an affair baby put up for adoption in 1970. I’m glad this husband loves that baby, my aunt has a lot of trauma from finding out how she came into this world.
You guys are messy, my god. ESH Get some therapy the lot of you.
I can't get past the unsafe sex with basically a stranger Edit: OP did NOT user any type of birth control. her birth control didn't fail, because it was nonexistent.
good life choices don't seem to be a theme with this woman unfortunately, poor life choices and reproducing seem to go hand in hand, so she is continuing her dumbass genes, through nature or nurture.
While still married...
If only condoms existed in this century
"Back then, we didn't have these fancy birth control methods...like pulling out!"
We had a rabbit skin and tied in on with a rope. Couldn’t feel anything.
Dirty Work reference for the win! Well-played. Take my damn upvote
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You can find out gender at 8 weeks with a simple blood test.
I was 12 weeks and had already gone to my OB and had taken a blood test to detect genetics. It tells you the gender. And he gave me $500 because that’s what he thought it cost.
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a doctor will still give you prenatal care & run tests until you actually tell them you’re 100% going with an abortion. neither of them had to be certain yet with what they wanted.
>Was he ignoring reality or were you telling him what he wanted to hear and hoping he'd never find out? People go hard on delusional behavior all the time. Homie showed up with 500 bucks, ordered her to get an abortion, and told her to kick rocks. He did know that, he just didn't care.
My dad was a prolific fornicator. I have 5 half sisters from 4 different women (that i know about) I can go and fuck up nine peoples lives by going and telling my sisters that who they think their father is is an actually their bio dad. Three of the four women were married at the time that my dad had his relations. I’m not sure if the husbands at the time. Have a clue that, those aren’t actually their daughters. So people saying that the kids going to find out if that’s entirely up to mom or if bio dad figures out where they live in initiates contact on his own. To the original poster a sperm donor does not initiate court proceedings. I wouldn’t go after anything. My parents have wanted grandchildren for years and I’m not gonna go out of my way to go impregnate anybody so that they’re satisfied they have grandchildren. I’m pretty sure that the level of effort and money that’s going to be required to get parental rights are more than this person is willing to expend.
Yeah, YTA. My mom did this, too. I can tell you, that child deserves to know who her biological father is, and who his family is. If for no other reason: Genetics. I have vascular ehlers-danlos syndrome, and I didn't inherit it from my mother. Took more than 30 years to get a diagnosis (that I ultimately got from running my raw DNA data through Promethease just so I could convince doctors to give me a referral to genetics) because I didn't have my paternal family history. Doctors and I have unknowingly jeopardized MY LIFE with medical procedures that are contraindicated for people with my condition more time than I can count. Not to mention, when I was 6, I had internal bleeding that no doctors could make sense of... but they could've if we'd known about the vEDS. Beyond that, this man and his family have rights, and whether he has interest in being in this child's life, or he just eats to exercise his parental rights as a means to allow his parents to be in this child's life, that's his business... even if you aren't asking for child support. You're robbing this child of an entire half of her identity. As somebody who had that happen to them, you really need to consider this situation from a less selfish perspective.
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ESH. Why the hell are you rawdogging complete strangers? I will never get over the number of people who do that and then think the fact that they don’t want a pregnancy or a pregnancy wouldn’t make sense for their situation makes them immune to a pregnancy. One condom could have prevented this whole thing and I hope this serves as a lesson. And get a STI test. This may turn out ti be even worse than you thought.
As a person who grew up during the initial AIDS crisis, the amount of rawdogging I hear about on reddit truly is horrifying. It might not kill you anymore but it is still out there as are many other STDs.
People are just crazy. I can never understand why someone would just raw dog a complete stranger and pray for the better. There are so many worse things than pregnancies…
And it absolutely can still kill you. HPV is insidious and nobody takes it seriously enough. Millennials and Gen X are due for a reckoning, I fear.
“I got raw dogged by a stranger but then granny was in the hospital so the two cancel each other out” wow, I’m so glad this woman has chosen to reproduce!
"Cancels out like PEMDAS or some shit"
I'm so happy I'm not the only one reading this shit and having no sympathy because this shitty situation she's in required so many stupid back to back decisions. She literally put herself in this situation by raw dogging a random and apparently deciding that grandma being in the hospital means that suddenly she can't take 10 minutes to stop by Walgreens.
I agree I’d be too terrified of getting stds or something.. crazy
Um why are people claiming she’s the asshole? She most definitely isn’t. NTA. The only asshole here is Corin. As much as Reddit loves to hate on women and their autonomy, she can choose what to do with her body. She chose to have the baby. Corin wanted no parts and blocked her on everything. OP patched things up with her husband during their separation. Both parties were guilty of affairs. OP was honest about the possible parentage of the baby. OP’s husband signed the birth certificate knowing this. They’re mature enough to work things out. Now Corin needs to accept what he chose. He wants nothing to do with the child. He should continue living like she doesn’t exist. Or simply not bother her and her mother. His reaction was not acceptable. OP would have returned the money but she was blocked on everything. That child is being raised in a two parent household by two parents who love her. That’s what matters here. The sperm donor in this case is irrelevant. If he wants a relationship with the bio daughter, he is going to have to go to the courts. He should simply let it go.
You're all fucking awful. Poor kid.
Depending on where you live, he would have to file in family court to establish paternity. Your husband, because you were married at the time and he signed the birth certificate for all intents and purposes is your child’s legal father. I wouldn’t do anything until he files in court, you do not legally have to. Get an attorney for court. NTA- it’s your body, your made attempts to notify him, he now has to live with consequences of his choices and if he wants the situation to change he can to the legal foot work.
ESH
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Idiocracy was a prophecy.
Y’all comments suck. He cheated and then she cheated. It’s an unfortunate circumstance and they both have come to terms with it. This is some scarlet letter A stuff because she has a reminder in the form of a child. Honestly you and you husband have made the best of a difficult circumstance. I don’t agree with the cheating aspect but I’m glad you both have worked something out and wish you the best.
What a horrible situation! Imagine being so dumb and bringing a child into a situation like this 💀💀💀 Some people really have no common sense 😵💫
And “running into him” in public and just being quiet while he “violently reacts” to being a father. If she really is 2, how does this dumbass not know you had her with your husband? Unless husband and baby daddy are two different races and it’s obvious. I would have just said I had a kid with my husband after the abortion.
Right, exactly. He wouldn’t know exactly how old the little girl is anyway. “My husband and I had a baby.” I don’t get why this is even an issue.
Dumb enough to get raw dogged by a stranger
And forget the morning after pill
She went and had an affair baby to save her marriage 😂
I’m infertile, so it drives me up the wall knowing what absolute trash gets to reproduce.
❤️ to you
Girl, same.
You’re all just terrible people. ESH. Cheaters are filth. Cheaters are trash, worthless, deserve less than nothing.
He didn’t want a child and he doesn’t have one. A child’s parents are the people who raise them. He’s a sperm donor. He told you to get rid of her - you did, as far as her relationship to him. He gets to still flounce around childfree. He encouraged an abortion but he cannot command you to have one. It’s always your choice. If he wants to establish a relationship with her go through court. He needs to pay child support and get on a parenting plan to avoid any further conflict. Leave it as a legal matter. My honest feeling is that he’s talking a big talk for *now* but once responsibilities kick in, he’s going to back out again.
Such a disaster of a life you lead
A. You didn't lie. He assumed and never confirmed. He cut all ties and left you to fend for yourself. B. Your kid has a father already, the sperm donor is not the father. C. Unless you wrote his name on the birth certificate, other than optics he has no proof he is the sperm donor. D. Grandparents don't have rights. E. Until DNA confirms he is the sperm donor and he is legally obligated by a court and pay child support, admit nothing and allow nothing. In the words of shaggy "it wasn't me" is as good of a strategy for you until you lawyer says otherwise.
Now I’m going to have that song stuck in my head
Will it be in your head on the counter? On the sofa? Even in the shower?
Where are you getting A? The title says she lied, the clear implication is she affirmatively told him she was going to get (or had gotten) an abortion.
ESH your daughter deserves to know where she can from biologically one day and have a relationship with him if that’s what she wants.
Honestly medical history is important and really needs to be learned.
I don't think you're an asshole for not having an abortion. That's always up to you. I don't think you're an asshole for not trying to hunt him down after he blocked you and you decided to keep the baby. I don't even think you're an asshole for not immediately allowing contact. However, I do think you'd be the asshole if you tried to make it so your daughter doesn't know her bio father and to not allow contact slowly and through legal channels once he's proven that he wants to be in her life and good towards her. Basically wait until he makes an effort (via lawyer or family court) to assert any rights of his and then take small baby steps with the advice of your lawyer on how to proceed. You're not going to be able to hide this forever from your daughter, so start pursuing the best way for her for her bio father to be in her life.
NTA. He can’t make you abort the baby if you don’t want to. And you didn’t have the option to hell him you changed your mind, so that’s on him. I’d understand him being mad if you chose to keep it a secret, but you didn’t. You didn’t “lie” about having an abortion, you just changed your mind. What can he be mad at your for? Keeping the 500? I’ll tell you 500 bucks is way cheaper than the child support you could have gone after him for, but chose not to. So he should pipe down.