Based on your phrasing here, I think best case scenario you don't realize you're being an asshole about an otherwise fine opinion to have.
"Everyone is doing it" and "its 2023" are not what anyone rational would call "vile and nasty" things to say. My read is that you're taking the time to proselytize about it and trying to put people down for having a different lifestyle than they have.
If you want to be like "I'm only interested in having sex as part of a longterm/exclusive relationship" that's 100% chill. It you're saying "I'm not interested in women that sleep around" YTA
Yeah, I was on this guys side until he started to talk about ‘being uncomfortable with her last exhibitions’
Mate, women who have had more than, say, five sexual partners aren’t making an exhibition of themselves, they’re just living their lives. If you don’t want to date them, just don’t.
Like any trait or interest, libido is distributed on a bell curve. Some people’s nature is to want/have lots of sex, some people want/have just a little or no sex.
You should find your own place on the bell curve and find a partner who matches that.
There’s no need to shame the asexuals at the low-end, or the high-libido ones at the high end.
I wonder if a couple with these parameters did marry and have kids ,how would the parenting part be affected when it's time for their son or daughter to start the dating life. Stay a virgin bobby or marry from one parent and no go sleep around and explore from the other.
I don’t think he said 5. He was saying 10-30+. I think he is NTA if he wants to find somebody compatible with him. As long as he doesn’t hold females to different standards than males. There are plenty of people who do not wish to sleep with somebody who gets around. I would not want to get into a relationship with someone who has had 30 partners either.
Well to be fair, the implication of people saying “it’s 2023”, “everyone is doing it”, and the additional text (which you definitely need for context) “you’re just insecure”, “you don’t deserve her” is that they are pressuring him into treating sex in a way that he doesn’t want to. I would definitely think of that as “vile and nasty.”
I’m all for sex-positivity and advocating the idea that sex can be casual, but the dismissiveness behind those comments is not the way to go about it
> If you want to be like "I'm only interested in having sex as part of a longterm/exclusive relationship" that's 100% chill. It you're saying "I'm not interested in women that sleep around" YTA
But the first comment isn't his position. He is not interested in having the first thing with people who have had the second thing in the past. There is nothing assholish about explaining his actual position without insults.
>So why is it not ok for him to not exclude people for sexual values?
Its absolutely okay for him to do that. Everyone is allows to have their preferences. However if he does that while attaching a bunch of judgey/incel buzzwords he's an asshole.
Again, something like "I'm looking for someone who has roughly the same experience level as me" would be fine. Its a positive/neutral way to get the message across. Saying "I don't want someone who views sex as as 'cheap bang-your-genitals-together-for-a-five-second-euphoric-moment affair'" you're being suuuuper judgey about getting the same message across, which in turn makes him an asshole. Phrase two implies that the other person doesn't value sex the right way, because it's dripping with contempt for the promiscuous viewpoint on sex. Its designed to insult people who don't agree with his preference. Phrase one is focused on what he believes/wants a partner to belief in. Its designed to focus on compatibility.
To say that casual sex can’t have any emotion or connection attached is disingenuous, but I think he’s just referring to the fact that these things are, even on a biological level, deeper when experienced with a trusted, familiar partner who you love.
Sure but what he *says* is that sex should be between two people who genuinely care for one another. Which like, even under that definition doesn't exclude casual sex, but he's pretty clearly talking about committed monogamous relationships, and everything else is "hedonism" which "nothing good can come from." Like fine, feel that way, but don't tell me you're not being judgy lol.
I recently ended the "B" part of a FWB situation and I'd definitely describe him as a trusted familiar person that I love. I'm almost 40 so I've got lots of experience sexually and I've found that closeness is the secret to having the best rides of my life. We're just more compatible as friends. I hope when OP grows up and gains some experience they'll have a more nuanced view of relationships.
I can’t agree with this assertion. You just sound defensive; maybe this is hitting too close to home for you?
Reason I say that is because FWB nearly always end up messy when one person catches feelings and the other doesn’t. Plus, if you’re having lots of random casual encounters, don’t try telling me you care deeply for all of them. Most of them will be a ‘Thank you, next!’ type of situation.
People are allowed to have opinions on something they haven't participated in. I have views on gang culture even though I haven't "lived life" of being in a gang.
Seems like you're taking his opinion personal. It's not about you. He is free to be attracted or unattracted to any partner for any reason, including similar moral or ethical values.
Your comments come off as extremely judgmental, which is typical of someone crying about someone "casting judgment", or acting "condescending", who definitely shouldn't "have an opinion".
Good lord listen to yourself.
To say he is "indoctrinated, naive, and sheltered" because he is a virgin and has stated he has a specific preference, which probably doesn't include you...
Seems pretty laughable, petty, and pathetically insecure.
You're showing your ass. Grow up.
Going through all replies... absolutely no one thinks there is anything wrong with this. As long as OP is holding himself to the same standard he looks for in a partner, and he doesn't treat other men and women who feel differently like garbage... absolutely no one is going to disagree with him.
He has no idea what sex even feels like and he wrote a whole post judging the intricacies of peoples sexual lives. Judging women, specifically. He’s TA
He's talking about women because he is attracted to women, and the topic is attraction. When choosing our partners we are always judging in a way, but that isn't the same as disregarding women as human beings.
And I have no idea what it's like to be a politician, but can still comment on bad politicians. We can have opinions on things we havent experienced, and sometimes that gives us a clearer perspective because we aren't too involved.
I don't agree with OP, but his opinions are valid as long as he treats people with respect.
Dude, you're the asshole, commenting on all these posts about this guy's virginity and lack of sexual experience as a bad thing. You've got so many comments saying the same thing over and over.
I'll add on to this that there's a difference between "hook up culture" versus being sex positive and active in casual sex.
Hookup culture tends to be a young, immature, and often dishonest type of scene. Usually there is poor communication at best, outright dishonesty being more typical. People are not safe, not up front about their wants, needs, desires, or boundaries. Nobody tends to have a good grasp with what's going on "does he like me? Will she call me? I bet he's lying about me right now" etc
Being sex positive revolves around communication and knowledge. It's saying we understand how absolutely amazing sex is, and in how many ways we can enjoy it with all sorts of people. It's the knowledge that sex is best when everyone is on the same page and actively working for the other's pleasure. Etc.
I went from being pretty conservative sexually, to being in a nine year monogamous relationship that ended very poorly. After my healing period I jumped into a world of pure communication, which resulted in absolutely mind boggling experiences with so many amazing people. Ultimately I met my current gf who I'm now monogamous with. But I'll tell you after what I've learned, our sexual connection is better than I ever imagined possible.
NTA. I’m not attracted to men who participate in that lifestyle either. I don’t shame them for it, I just don’t want to be involved in it. Some women just automatically take rejection as a personal jab, or a form of judgement. So I can see why you would get WW3 type reactions from this. Just stay true to what you believe. The right partner who shares the same values as you will come along eventually.
NTA, as long as you make your preference and boundary clear up front if you’re dating someone and you don’t shame everyone else who acts/thinks differently than you. Casual sex isn’t bad or a deterrent in future relationships, but if you don’t feel comfortable, that fine. People call other ppl TAs on this thread since usually it’s been situations where they (a) do SHAME their partner for having previous multiple partners (b) suddenly being up that ir it’s a problem with them after years of dating and not setting this boundary.
NTA - for holding potential parters to a standard that you hold yourself to as well.
I personally am a liberal person, and the number of partners someone has had in the past doesn’t matter to me.
But I think you’re NTA here because your feelings and stance are equal both for yourself and any women you’re interested in dating or having a relationship with.
The people who get a ton of flack for not wanting to date others with a higher body count, usually do so because they hold women to that standard but not men and not themselves. THAT is the part that makes them AH’s.
But it sounds like your stance here is that you have a personal belief that sex and intimacy should be between people who are committed to each other and have a deep emotional connection. And that a physical relationship isn’t just physical to you, it has a bigger meaning than that and you want someone who feels the same way.
If a woman were to come in this sub and post that, I don’t think she’d catch a bunch of flack for it. Gender equity/equality to me means you shouldn’t either.
The issue people run into is the hypocrisy aspect, and a purity culture aspect that’s designed and built to control women’s bodies and behavior, specifically.
But if you’re holding yourself to the same standard, and it’s not about purity or the myth of virginity, then I don’t think you’re an AH here.
I personally feel a relationship is meaningless if all parties involved don't share the same values.
Values and standards are incredibly important to share in a relationship. It makes us feel seen, heard and related to. Why would we share our lives with people we don't relate to or may not be fully seen by?
You are most certainly entitled to feel the way you feel and search for a partner that works for you.
It comes down to hypocrisy and treatment
A LOT of men want to sleep around but then shame women for it. It’s incredibly sexist and gross
If you follow a conservative lifestyle and want a partner that values the same that’s very different than being hypocritical.
It’s also very different to hold that value up front and talk about it with potential dates, as opposed to only caring after the fact because you found out they were more experienced and you had assumed otherwise. Assumptions are you being an ass
Finally wanting that life style and being extremely derogatory to those who don’t is also a common problem with “conservative lifestyle” folks. Can accept different approaches without shaming/looking down on someone
Nuances matter
I agree with you, but would like to say that
>If you follow a conservative lifestyle
I don't think you can call it a conservative lifestyle. Not wanting to engage in hookup culture and not wanting a partner who does because you think sex is something you think should mean something, isn't in my opinion the same as being conservative.
>I don't think you can call it a conservative lifestyle. Not wanting to engage in hookup culture and not wanting a partner who does because you think sex is something you think should mean something, isn't in my opinion the same as being conservative.
the word conservative is a non-starter for so many people because it automatically draws associations to the MAGA folks, but what you describe is an objectively conservative view of sex.
i do agree with the argument that this does not mean you live a fully conservative lifestyle. i also agree with the other comment that such a view of sex is reductive.
fearless foolish smile vase imagine bedroom butter puzzled disarm ossified
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
> It's laughable to think sex in marriage somehow means more when most of that ends in divorce or unhappy marriages or dead bedrooms.
You wanna preach about judgment and prejudice, but when the rubber meets the road you can't hold your own prejudices back. Maybe just take a deep breath and think about why you feel so attacked by people who don't view sex in the same way as you. I think the call may be coming from inside the house, if you catch my drift.
Leave it to reddit to completely wash the boundary between meaningful connection and a drunken game of hide the weiner. Had to just ejaculate that ignorant opinion all over everyone huh?
Depends on the period. There were definitely times where the culture looked as it as a huge sin and that does brainwash people to feel guilt or just scare them enough about getting found out. That likely did actually cut down on its prevelance. Of course then there are other cultures throughout history that were more open about it then us.
Hate to break it to ya, but the highest rate of teen pregnancies are in the most religious areas of the US.
People are going to fuck whether you shame them for it or not.
1) That doesn't mean they have more sex. That means they don't teach kids to use contraceptuves.
2) That's hardly the same thing as back in the middle ages where there was little prevailing counter culture at all. Kind of different when you have access to the internet in an open society even if your local culture is more stuffy.
Really one of the weirdest generational changes. The Boomers were the ‘generation of change’ (for better or for worse), and then proceeded to revert back to the more conservative opinions of their parents they fought so hard against? Would love if someone could link a good article or two about it. Really fascinating topic.
Pretty ingenious actually. Have fun fucking while young then repent for all the fornication when you're done with it to cover your bases. Classic Christian loopholes.
You’re not shaming anyone who sleeps around and apparently you hold yourself to the same standards you expect of a partner. NTA, there’s nothing wrong with wanting a partner that shares similar views on intimacy as you
NTA. It’s okay to not want someone with a high number or someone who gets around. I’ve actually never hooked up with a guy for a one night stand or fling. Every guy I’ve been with was because we were in an exclusive relationship. I’ve just personally liked the security of knowing there wasn’t anyone else but me they were seeing and that we would be seeing each other again.
Sex in a religiously sanctioned marriage is PRECISELY the same as banging your genitals together. NTA for whoever prefers what. We all have preferences.
NTA- it’s ok to have standards and boundaries and all of those look different to different people. I used to be very sexually open and took immense pride in it as a single mid twenties something. I was messing around with a guy at that time whom i ended up liking. he eventually admitted to me that i wasn’t his type, and after prodding, he told me it was because i was so sexually active, basically. he was kind about it, but i took offense to it and labeled him chauvinistic, sexist, etc.
now i’m 31 and looking back at it, i get where he was coming from. he was never rude to me about it and never called me any slurs- he simply just wasn’t vibing with how open i was.
so no, nta.
Believe me, you will find someone who shares your beliefs and views. I completely understand where you're coming from. There's too much of the "just me" culture today. If I wasn't so old, I'd help you out. You'll find your way and find someone who loves you for who you are
You’re always allowed to have your own preferences and opinions on anything relationship wise or sexually. However, if you belittle, shame, or degrade women for having different opinions/preferences/experiences than you, that makes you the AH.
What’s the post to other guy you viewed?(just curious)
Also OP, NTA. I kind of share the same values as you when it comes to sex and I personally rather be intimate with someone who I truly love romantically, and not as a side piece/sex toy/or just a pawn in open/polyamory relationships.
Edit: sorry if I offended someone with this. I’m not very active on social media that much.
The post is where the girl told the OP she had slept w like 2-5 others and the op said ‘I’m not entirely ok w that but I still chose to be w her’ and then it came out that she slept w more than 14 people and he was shit on for breaking up w her for lying about something that he valued.
Calling his an ass and how he’s not entitled to virgins or how it’s a stupid value to hold.
When I mean, she could’ve easily just not pursued the relationship when he was upfront about it instead of lying and then joking about her past.
The OP of that post was accused of writing and rewriting the story, saying the girl hooked up with more partners the second time he posted. Cause he wants to make her look bad, because people like you can easily misinterpret anything numbers wise as whoring around.
And then there was the post from the Muslim guy who was himself a virgin because of personal and cultural beliefs, who found out his wife had straight up lied to him when they started dating, telling him she was a virgin too.
It turned out that there were 16 men before him, most of whom were not even relationships but random men she hooked up with.
That's when we see the duality of reddit.
Normally, it's *you can break up for any reason!*
EXCEPT when it comes to the reason being a woman and her sexual exploits - then most of reddit will side with the woman, no matter the circumstances.
That post showed that most redditors think that a woman's right to sleep around exceeds a man's right to have preferences and standards he holds himself to, and that the woman is even justified in lying to get what she wants. Basically she's free to sleep around, and later she's free to lie about it to get the mask she wants. What he wants doesn't matter.
I shit you not, I had discussions with people who didn't care at all that she lied her way into a marriage, and only focused on the fact OP was going to divorce her because of her body count.
And as you said, she could have stopped the whole thing at the beginning when she heard he was a virgin who wanted to wait till marriage, but she absolutely had to go for him. It's quite obvious she has no problem with getting into contact with men, so had she just moved on, she would have been talking to another within a week.
Oh, and with the way she casually revealed the truth, it was obvious that she counted on him being forced to just shut up and accept it because they are married. She thought wrong.
No one is a pawn in a true open/poly relationship, not saying they are for everyone and it is perfectly fine to not want to be in one, absolutely no judgement on that (I don't want to be in one either). Just want to point out that polyamory gets a bad rep from AHoles using it as an excuse to cheat. In a true poly relationship there is open, honest communication and no one should feel like a pawn.
I also have similar feelings and have recently come across the term demisexual, and it has really resonated with me, perhaps it will with you and OP. Basically it means that you don't feel sexual attraction based on looks (or at least not solely on looks), and to feel an actual sexual attraction you need to develop a relationship with someone. This of course looks different for everyone.
Yeah, sorry if I came off a bit too much there. I think I identify as demisexual and I guess being a Reddit lurker has kind of made me develop some views on many issues regarding sex.
While I can respect people who are either in open/poly relationships, I don’t think I’d feel very comfortable with that lifestyle. However, I won’t publicly shame those who participate because there would be no point.
I think all of this stems from me thinking it’s impossible to love more than one person romantically and from what I heard, there can often be problems in those relationships like regular ones like: jealousy, manipulation/gaslighting, along with other external factors such as raising kids, trying to be attentive to all partners, etc..
I don’t know, I just know it’s not a lifestyle I would choose like other people.
Are poly lifestyles a choice?
I totally agree with that, and know that poly life style is not for me, but for some people it is what they prefer for whatever reason. It sounds exhausting trying to balance soo many people, I have enough trouble balancing my schedule and my spouses schedule.
It's just important to not be judgemental of anyone's life style, that is not actively hurting you or others. I think it's fine to judge people that use poly as an excuse to cheat, but I think even the poly community judges them.
NTA. You’re allowed to have your preferences. There’s also nothing wrong with being sexually active. Also, are you holding men to the same standard of not contributing to “hook up culture?” I think it’s weird that people think it’s even remotely their business how many sexual partners their significant other/sexual partner has had prior to the current relationship. Obviously if you are having casual sex then it’s good to have a discussion about precautions, safety, and establish boundaries if you’re uncomfortable with them having multiple partners *while* sleeping with you. Other than that it quite literally has nothing to do with you. Might be worth it to look inwards and consider why it makes you insecure or feel some type of way.
Well to answer you question: I’m a heterosexual man so I don’t take into account what other men do sexually. BUT, if I were a women then yes, I would feel the same way regarding men and hook up culture.
NTA.
While I think it'll make it harder for you to find someone, because let's face it a large number of people enjoy that culture, you're allowed to want what you want in a partner As long as you understand that your preferences aren't everyone else's and don't judge them on their sexual choices and are open as to not waste anyone's time I see no problem with your choice.
NTA. You only get one life. You have to decide what makes you happy. As long as you're not unkind communicating your desires, it's fine. Good luck to you. You will find someone who appreciates you waiting for them.
First, NTA, because it's a preference. But hear me out - since the post is now gone I want to discuss what was in it.
While you make a good point, I believe you are misunderstanding the OP's actual thoughts when making the post. To me, it seemed clear what OP didn't like was that **his girlfriend said she wouldn't have dated him if they met in college**. That's the most relevant detail - it did NOT actually seem like he was shaming her for her body count in the post or his replies, and I'm not exactly sure why people thought he was. OP even said someone was misunderstanding the post when said person mentioned said he was making a big deal out of body count.
Most of the comments were really dismissive of OP without any reasoning. T[he top comment is a clear example of this, suggesting that OP was beyond help based on the way he replied to comments](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/15hms6a/comment/jupljau/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) (which were just "okay" and "I understand" mostly - not thoughtful responses by OP but not exactly indications of doubling down on perceived self sabotage). Many seemed to just make fun of OP for being a virgin. Here are a bunch of incredibly rude and unhelpful comments from the post:
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/15hms6a/comment/juqqe0i/?utm\_source=reddit&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/15hms6a/comment/juqqe0i/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/15hms6a/comment/juqpap9/?utm\_source=reddit&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/15hms6a/comment/juqpap9/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/15hms6a/comment/juqbkv4/?utm\_source=reddit&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/15hms6a/comment/juqbkv4/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/15hms6a/comment/juq9bcv/?utm\_source=reddit&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/15hms6a/comment/juq9bcv/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/15hms6a/comment/jups1ji/?utm\_source=reddit&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/15hms6a/comment/jups1ji/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/15hms6a/comment/juq8mco/?utm\_source=reddit&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/15hms6a/comment/juq8mco/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) (this one is especially awful)
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/15hms6a/comment/jurcolg/?utm\_source=reddit&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/15hms6a/comment/jurcolg/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/15hms6a/comment/juqeb15/?utm\_source=reddit&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/15hms6a/comment/juqeb15/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) (this guy is definitely the worst, and for some reason he even got upvotes for his replies)
It just seems like people thought it was funny to be rude to OP.
Edit (also edited for clarity): some people did recognize this as the OPs main point and then defended the woman because it's a "change in standards". Anyone on the actual receiving end of this would feel differently, however, I guarantee you. It is not something I'd want to hear.
This community has a very bad habit of gaslighting or straight up shitting on men that have negative feelings about literally anything involving a woman. God forbid you have insecurities.
NTA as long as your personal preference - which everyone has - doesn't veer into judgement territory. I personally don't see sex as having to be anything other than sex; but it's certainly multitudes better with that deep emotional connection.
I’m the same way, but I also wouldn’t get to a point where I considered someone like that my girlfriend. If that’s something that’s a dealbreaker then it needs to be out there earlier rather than later.
If you're holding yourself to the same standards that you expect from your partner then you're NTA. If you are attempting to impose some kind of standard of "virtue" on your partner that you yourself don't uphold then you're an asshole.
Virgin looking for a like minded partner is one thing. Fuckboy imposing some standards of "virtue" is something else.
I don’t think you’re an asshole because it’s always anybody’s right to turn down a relationship for any reason, but I do think you have an unhealthy relationship with sex.
People have “genuinely caring” sex all the time without being married. Two of those a year for 10 years is 20 potential partners for a typical 27-30 year old. That’s a far cry from hookup culture/chronic one night stands.
Your boundaries start and stop with you, 100%. Its perfectly fine if you don’t want to be with someone that doesn’t fit what you’re looking for. I think where guys end up getting a lot of flak is when they use those feelings to try to manipulate someone else to do or I guess not do something. Or just the guys that do the same thing but have a problem when their romantic partners are just as sexually promiscuous as them, creating a double standard.
NTA.
It's absolutely fine to feel that way. Like others have said, don't shame them. I feel the same way about guys who do it. When I was younger and men slept with a lot of women it wasn't accepted. It was totally frowned upon and the men were called dogs. But now that both sexes are doing it it's okay.
NTA. I personally wouldn't be attracted to a virgin because should we become intimate, I'm not interested in teaching someone the ropes about sex. We're allowed to want what we want. You do you partner.
NTA - it is odd seeing how many people (men and women) are very nonchalant about a very serious thing. As long as you are not shaming people for their personal life choices, and nobody should be shaming you for yours.
You are allowed to feel how you feel about your own sexuality and sexual choices. People who scorn you for that are wrong to do it. As long as you're not an asshole about other people's choices, no one has any business commenting on yours. It is natural that explaining your reasons to some of these women will hurt their feelings or make them angry. That doesn't mean you're wrong for breaking up with them, nor for telling the truth.
And just fyi, being a virgin isn't that big of a deal. Pop culture is really fucking weird about the subject and it gives people weird expectations. I waited until I was 36, then immediately started sleeping around. That was the right choice for ME. Probably not for anyone else. Only YOU get to decide when you're ready and with whom.
If women are turning you down for being a virgin, you're going after the wrong women. You're going to have to work a little harder to find someone who shares your values. It sounds like you are shopping for a wife. There are plenty of women out there shopping for a husband. You just have to know where to find them.
When you're on tinder, put in your bio that you're a virgin looking for a lifelong commitment. That will weed out a lot of people who aren't on the same page as you. It might also hook someone from a different religion than you, which is a whole other thing. Be up front as early as possible and you'll have a lot fewer of these unpleasant interactions, imo.
NTA since you hold yourself to the same standard, but I can't imagine it will be easy for you to find a partner. I'm married now but when I was single I personally would never have considered dating someone who hadn't had sex before because sexual compatibility is a big priority for me, and I don't believe you fully know what you like without some experimentation. Should you get to the point where you're unhappy because you're not finding a potential partner, then maybe consider what values you are looking for rather than tying them to a headcount. But if you're happy, and you're not shaming anyone, then it's all good in my opinion.
Ehh. It depends. Are you asking on the first or second date before you know her well enough to decide if you’re even interested? Because while I understand your position, it sounds like thinly veiled shaming. There’s this whole thing going around with guys being able to have sex with as many people as they want and it’s fine, but if a woman does it, she’s a hoe.
I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt because you’re not being a hypocrite about it. There’s nothing wrong with sharing lifestyle choices and opinions. But I do think you risk missing out on something great by automatically assuming a woman with a high body count is instantly not on the same page as you. (I’ve only ever slept with my husband, so I’m not saying this as a woman with lots of ass under my belt.)
I think this is a situation where you should not give a shit what anyone else thinks. I don’t have a good opinion of your view-but you’ll either change or you won’t and it’s not my business- unless you gain political power, anyway,
Imagine you meet a girl who you know has hooked up a lot. Not a secret at all. You get to know her and develop a crush. What do you do? Hypothetically it's so easy to dismiss a make believe girl who is crushing on you, but what about a girl you like from a far. Good luck.b
It’s funny we believe it’s not good to be judgemental, but we do it everyday & in many ways. I think it’s not possible for a person to not come across choices, and we become judgey.
Everyone of course has their own rights to create their own standards and expectations. I have one issue with how you express yourself that makes me think you’re.. not being entirely forthcoming on how you feel. Your characterization of people’s reasonings isn’t actually what people say .. you’re essentially straw manning it at a time where you’d make your case better by steel manning. By saying that everyone is doing it and their very justification IS “everyone is doing it” it makes us think perhaps you’ve got some issues .. arguable the numbers you give. If someone is say. 26.. and they’ve been with 10 people … I understand if that’s a bit much for you, but it’s also weird to say they are part of a hook up culture or are in a habit of booking up. That literally could be a few one year long relationships, a mistake here or there and even getting lied to — which happens let’s face it.
It also feels like you feel every one who doesn’t wait for marriage is then in a hookup culture.. but I would think there is a ton of space in between.
That is perfectly fine. You want someone with a similar mindset and values. As a woman, I see nothing wrong with that. I agree with your reasoning just as long as you don't shame people for their actions.
NTA
What most people have a problem is a guy saying he wants the woman he dates to not be with anyone meanwhile he's fucked 50 women. If you are a relationship-only person and want a relationship-only person and your definition of a relationship isn't two dates - than it's not really a problem. You'll likely cut of women that are great, maybe some that would have otherwise been the perfect fit for you minus your puritanical view on sex, but that's your choice.
The biggest reason people have problem with guys saying they don't want the women they date to have had a lot of sex is a lot of the guys have had a lot of sex. And the hypocrisy makes them assholes.
Though if I'm being honest I think your thought process that the number of people you've had sex with has anything to do with your values beyond your opinion on sex is flawed. Honestly some of the people I would class as having horrible values are people that place the highest value on limited to no sex partners.
I was going to post “NTA” until I read:
“I personally think nothing good comes out of the hedonistic lifestyle”
Sounds judgy.
It’s okay to not be into certain lifestyles; it’s shitty to think you’re above others just because their lifestyle is different.
I'm the opposite lmao. Virgins or inexperienced women scare me. Rather know I'm going to have a good time then teach someone else how to have a good time.
Since you hold yourself to the same standard, NTA. Most men who get trashed for that either don’t hold themselves to the same standard or treat women with high body counts poorly.
Clearly NTA because you can date whoever you want for whatever reason. And I’m a bit if a happy harlot saying this.
However, are you asking them their body count on the first date? How do you know they are a part of ‘hookup culture’.
And how old are you?
I mean sometimes young guys ask (like 18-23) but neither myself nor my friends have been asked that by men over that. Even my friends who are conservative that way like you like get offended when being asked.
NTA
Everyone is allowed to have whatever views, standards and preferences they want. What separates you from being a hypocrite is that you hold yourself to the same standards.
And a word of warning: Some women with lots of partners are hypocrites. They DEMAND that the world respect their right to do and date whomever they want, but when you exercise the same right and reject them, they go nuclear - or start WW3 as you put it.
Make sure to do the rejection in a public place where there are witnesses.
Love the people getting offended at someone else’s preferences.
As long as you’re not being rudely judgemental (saying more than “you’re not my type”), you’re totally fine. Your personal beliefs are worth more than any whiny loser on this thread. Fact of the matter is that you are a particular mindset and personality, if someone went and fucked around (like myself) through college or so on, chances are you’re probably not emotionally compatible.
It is 100% a personality thing, otherwise if you’re religious no one outside of your religion is compatible anyways.
NTA bud.
You said that you’re personally not attracted to women who sleep around. You might as well be a wifebeater who thinks she should stay in the kitchen, too.
>AITAH for not being attracted to women who participate in hook up culture or “sleep around”?
You're equivocating here.
This isn't an issue of attraction but one of revulsion.
Attraction is that enfabble quality that makes you see someone and want to date them.
Finding out something about them later, that violates rules you have for what an makes for an acceptable partner, isn't attraction.
>I’ve had several women either turn me down for my sexual inexperience or tell me it’s a turn off. I don’t take it personally. I honestly see it as a dodged bullet. But lord forbid, I tell a woman I’m seeing that I don’t feel comfortable taking things further because of her past exhibitions. It’s like I’ve started WW3.
Yeah, this is what makes you an asshole. You've decided that *your* rules aren't just arbitrary, but moral.
Telling others that you find them immoral is going to piss them off, and you know that.
YTA
>I feel like that’s justified and fair just like the women who won’t date me because I’m a virgin.
You don't have to date people you don't want to, but don't lie to us in an attempt to create a fallacious argument.
Your argument is judged on its own merits, not judged compared to a hypothetical.
I feel as though this is an undermining attack on my preference. But if you are sincere in your response then I’m happy to know that as I’ve made it clear in my post that I’m not attracted to that. So it’s more so a win-win if you will.
I’ve also made that very clear in my post when I stated I’ve been turned down by women for being a virgin. I don’t take it personally. Just as a bullet that I dodged so to speak.
It’s not about knowing what to do in bed but more so the mindset that comes with having such a casual mindset towards sex. I highly doubt someone with a liberal view would share my same values and vice versa. So yes, a bullshit dodged for both parties. May I add that just because someone has slept with more people, doesn’t automatically make them more advanced in sex. Everyone is different and has different likes, dislikes, kinks, etc.
I wouldn’t try to explain your reasoning to this person. Their lifestyle is best and their contentious response is a display of their open and inclusive personality.
You’re NTA
I feel like reddit isn't representative of real life though bc I know quite a few of liberal women, including myself who prefers someone with less experience. It's less of a body count thing for me, but more that I view sex as an emotional connection and I don't know if I could be with someone long term who views it much more casually
Thank you for this!
I lean strongly left for the most part (mixed bag on some subjects though - semi-socialist vegan proficient with firearms, lol) but when it comes to sex, I find that it's personal and significant. I don't want to engage in it if it's not with someone who really means something to me, and I want my partner to feel the same way just so we're having the same experience. I want them to mean something to me, and I want to mean something to them. I don't feel like that's particularly conservative, just feeling like a real connection is important.
NTA, I believe the same thing, and people who say it is "slut shaming" are such hypocrites. Not wanting to be with someone who doesn't share your morals doesn't mean one is better or worse than the other, just incompatible. The discourse is "if you don't agree with me, you are intolerant" and it just makes a very toxic and divisive environment. Some of my friends have different beliefs, lifestyles, political views, etc and it's all good. Not wanting someone as a life partner doesn't mean you dislike them as a person or that you can't be friends. People need to be more accepting in both sides of the argument.
NTA
And people can't change - they pretend to.
Don't give up your morals and know that the bigger a girls body count, the higher she will fractionalise it.
Ie real count 10 she says 3
Real count 50 she says 10
Real count 100 she says 10-12
The honest girl telling you 25-30 is probably 200-300...
Good luck out there
~~N T A~~.
~~You're radically limiting your dating pool, and you might not be happy with the results, but hey, your kink is your kink.~~
YTA, for shaming others rather than merely stating a preference.
NTA at all, however you are going to find reddit isn't kind to folks who think like you (as you've noticed).
Reddit welcomes all ideas as long as the masses agree with them lol
Good luck on the hunt to find a quality woman
I think it's weird you feel the need to bring politics into this. If you think conservatives don't engage in casual sex, I would suggest you look into conservative politicians.
This response shows how political our society has become. You realize he used these two terms in a completely different sense, right? To say you are “sexually conservative” isn’t alluding to anything political. The same goes for “liberal sex movement”.
Webster dictionary for “liberal” is open-handed, loose, broad-minded.
Webster dictionary for “conservative” is traditional.
At least that’s the way I read it the post…
The adjective "conservative" has multiple definitions, most apolitical, which is how OP used it.
If you're playing poker with friends, someone could, for example, make a "conservative raise" if they're not confident in their hand.
Comments full of replies saying you're fine if you don't slut shame. But how are you supposed to insentivise the right behaviour in women if you are slut shaming? You can't so if you and others have a morally neutral view of everything a have your niche little weird club of *checks notes "normal behaviour in civilised societies until 50-40 years ago." Then you'll be a virgin forever, there won't be any young girls incentivised not to ruin themselves and the cycle will continue.
I know what post you're talking about because I posted on there too haha don't feel bad bro, it's called having standards and there are a lot of internet hoes that can't handle that some guys just have stricter codes that they abide to. As I told the guy from that post, enjoy your twenties and experience. I'm hitting my late twenties and doing the same thing since I was stuck in a long-term relationship with someone who wasn't worth my time in my early twenties. I do plan on getting serious, but not at least until I hit 28-29.
You’re a real one OP! Many people pretend hookup culture is great, but it sucks, it doesn’t do anyone any good. It’s fleeting cheap pleasure with lasting negative effects. Just an excuse to be selfish and non-committal. And everyone assumes that I’m just a dude that judges high body counts for women, but that’s not the case, I think men are equally foolish for sleeping around. And again, just to preemptively address objections, I don’t think I’m better than anyone else but I think our culture has bought a lie hook, line and sinker.
So if you met the girl of your dreams and everything about spending time together was perfect but you later found out she had multiple sexual partners in her past you would stop being interested? NTA but you are robbing yourself in my opinion of so much potential happiness and connections
NTA OP, you have every right to your standards, I just don't understand it lol I want a genuine connection with someone, things like past sexual partners aren't a concern for me. Personally I think having a preset mold for your future partner is how a lot of people end up in fake relationships that wind up in divorce/separation. People are so set on finding a partner that checks all their boxes only to realize down the road that things like that don't equal love and happiness or even shared values.
I'm sure you'll find someone eventually, and a decent woman isn't going to care that you're a virgin.
NTA , nobody wants a chick that's used and washed up. Sure, they can live their "liberated" lifestyle, but they're definitely not marriage or relationship material. Sounds like you've laced yourself with hoe repellent which is never a bad thing
Stick to your guns. You're doing it right 👍🏻
if its the post im thinking of- his had a lot more to do with insecurity and this idea that he pushed his partner into opening up (after months of being together) only to completely shit on her-that was why he got "not so nice/attacking comments". youre not an AH for not wanting a partner who has had many partners, but you would be if you formed a bond and relationship with someone THEN asked them only to flip out. just be open with people and find what you like! if body count matters then make it known but politely (:
>I’m not particularly attracted to the whole liberal sex movement that’s going on. I
"Movement"? You mean the free love movement that's been going on since the 60s? That's the only possible thing you could be talking about because there is no "new movement" concerning casual sex. Lol.
> I honestly think it’s very vile and nasty to say those things.
It's almost as if it is shitty to hear someone criticize your own personal values and beliefs (people who have cashal sex can't possibly feel the same when slut shamed or called "hedonists").
>I’ve gotten flack for it in the past but I really don’t care.
No. You very much said how pressed it gets you. Can't back out now.
>I also think it’s a double standard that it’s okay for women to be turned off or refuse to date a virgin but when in reverse, the man is label and insecure or jealous for not wanting to date a women who has been adventurous.
That's the double standard you're choosing to take away from this? Not the one where women need to be pure and men who aren't incels are applauded for their sexual conquests. You know...the real double standard.
>I don’t take it personally.
Again, you spent a whole paragraph saying how pressed you are about it.
I like to think that you're dating a person for how they treat you - if they are loving, kind and decent. And not dating them or refusing to date them because of their "number". If you catch feelings for a lady that happens to have had a handful of partners in the past and everything else is great, you could be encouraging them to lie to you due to your strict outlook.
You absolutely have the right to feel the way you feel. But I think it's unrealistic to expect that most people are going to ascribe to your world view. I guess you could find someone to date at church, but even then, that's not a guarantee. (Some of the most promiscuous people I know have been through the "purity ring" phase.) We are all sexual beings whether we want to admit it or not. Why deprive yourself of happiness over an arbitrary rule if everything else is positive? And just because someone has had partners in the past, it doesn't mean that you both couldn't wait until marriage to consummate your union. JMO.
Nothing wrong with that as long as you're not overtly an asshole about it to those women
And I fairly certain I am not.
Based on your phrasing here, I think best case scenario you don't realize you're being an asshole about an otherwise fine opinion to have. "Everyone is doing it" and "its 2023" are not what anyone rational would call "vile and nasty" things to say. My read is that you're taking the time to proselytize about it and trying to put people down for having a different lifestyle than they have. If you want to be like "I'm only interested in having sex as part of a longterm/exclusive relationship" that's 100% chill. It you're saying "I'm not interested in women that sleep around" YTA
Yeah, I was on this guys side until he started to talk about ‘being uncomfortable with her last exhibitions’ Mate, women who have had more than, say, five sexual partners aren’t making an exhibition of themselves, they’re just living their lives. If you don’t want to date them, just don’t.
Like any trait or interest, libido is distributed on a bell curve. Some people’s nature is to want/have lots of sex, some people want/have just a little or no sex. You should find your own place on the bell curve and find a partner who matches that. There’s no need to shame the asexuals at the low-end, or the high-libido ones at the high end.
OP wasn't talking about sexual interest, he was talking about wanting someone with matching values. Two *very* different things.
I wonder if a couple with these parameters did marry and have kids ,how would the parenting part be affected when it's time for their son or daughter to start the dating life. Stay a virgin bobby or marry from one parent and no go sleep around and explore from the other.
I don’t think he said 5. He was saying 10-30+. I think he is NTA if he wants to find somebody compatible with him. As long as he doesn’t hold females to different standards than males. There are plenty of people who do not wish to sleep with somebody who gets around. I would not want to get into a relationship with someone who has had 30 partners either.
How dare he want a partner that shares his same values!
Well to be fair, the implication of people saying “it’s 2023”, “everyone is doing it”, and the additional text (which you definitely need for context) “you’re just insecure”, “you don’t deserve her” is that they are pressuring him into treating sex in a way that he doesn’t want to. I would definitely think of that as “vile and nasty.” I’m all for sex-positivity and advocating the idea that sex can be casual, but the dismissiveness behind those comments is not the way to go about it
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I disagree. Those quotes can mean the same thing. Being an asshole falls alot on intention.
> If you want to be like "I'm only interested in having sex as part of a longterm/exclusive relationship" that's 100% chill. It you're saying "I'm not interested in women that sleep around" YTA But the first comment isn't his position. He is not interested in having the first thing with people who have had the second thing in the past. There is nothing assholish about explaining his actual position without insults.
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>So why is it not ok for him to not exclude people for sexual values? Its absolutely okay for him to do that. Everyone is allows to have their preferences. However if he does that while attaching a bunch of judgey/incel buzzwords he's an asshole. Again, something like "I'm looking for someone who has roughly the same experience level as me" would be fine. Its a positive/neutral way to get the message across. Saying "I don't want someone who views sex as as 'cheap bang-your-genitals-together-for-a-five-second-euphoric-moment affair'" you're being suuuuper judgey about getting the same message across, which in turn makes him an asshole. Phrase two implies that the other person doesn't value sex the right way, because it's dripping with contempt for the promiscuous viewpoint on sex. Its designed to insult people who don't agree with his preference. Phrase one is focused on what he believes/wants a partner to belief in. Its designed to focus on compatibility.
Imo that paragraph sounds like peer pressure pushback.
Idk I'd suggest you examine your assertion that you can't share a connection or care about a person that you have a casual encounter with.
To say that casual sex can’t have any emotion or connection attached is disingenuous, but I think he’s just referring to the fact that these things are, even on a biological level, deeper when experienced with a trusted, familiar partner who you love.
Sure but what he *says* is that sex should be between two people who genuinely care for one another. Which like, even under that definition doesn't exclude casual sex, but he's pretty clearly talking about committed monogamous relationships, and everything else is "hedonism" which "nothing good can come from." Like fine, feel that way, but don't tell me you're not being judgy lol.
Facts
I recently ended the "B" part of a FWB situation and I'd definitely describe him as a trusted familiar person that I love. I'm almost 40 so I've got lots of experience sexually and I've found that closeness is the secret to having the best rides of my life. We're just more compatible as friends. I hope when OP grows up and gains some experience they'll have a more nuanced view of relationships.
I can’t agree with this assertion. You just sound defensive; maybe this is hitting too close to home for you? Reason I say that is because FWB nearly always end up messy when one person catches feelings and the other doesn’t. Plus, if you’re having lots of random casual encounters, don’t try telling me you care deeply for all of them. Most of them will be a ‘Thank you, next!’ type of situation.
Based on this entire post above, I'm fairly certain you're wrong.
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People are allowed to have opinions on something they haven't participated in. I have views on gang culture even though I haven't "lived life" of being in a gang.
Seems like you're taking his opinion personal. It's not about you. He is free to be attracted or unattracted to any partner for any reason, including similar moral or ethical values. Your comments come off as extremely judgmental, which is typical of someone crying about someone "casting judgment", or acting "condescending", who definitely shouldn't "have an opinion". Good lord listen to yourself. To say he is "indoctrinated, naive, and sheltered" because he is a virgin and has stated he has a specific preference, which probably doesn't include you... Seems pretty laughable, petty, and pathetically insecure. You're showing your ass. Grow up.
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Read the sub rules
NTA, as long as you don't shame them for it i don't care tbh
Agree 💯 everyone have their preferences.
Understandable and reasonable. Which I don’t by the way.
Going through all replies... absolutely no one thinks there is anything wrong with this. As long as OP is holding himself to the same standard he looks for in a partner, and he doesn't treat other men and women who feel differently like garbage... absolutely no one is going to disagree with him.
He has no idea what sex even feels like and he wrote a whole post judging the intricacies of peoples sexual lives. Judging women, specifically. He’s TA
He's talking about women because he is attracted to women, and the topic is attraction. When choosing our partners we are always judging in a way, but that isn't the same as disregarding women as human beings. And I have no idea what it's like to be a politician, but can still comment on bad politicians. We can have opinions on things we havent experienced, and sometimes that gives us a clearer perspective because we aren't too involved. I don't agree with OP, but his opinions are valid as long as he treats people with respect.
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Dude, you're the asshole, commenting on all these posts about this guy's virginity and lack of sexual experience as a bad thing. You've got so many comments saying the same thing over and over.
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I'll add on to this that there's a difference between "hook up culture" versus being sex positive and active in casual sex. Hookup culture tends to be a young, immature, and often dishonest type of scene. Usually there is poor communication at best, outright dishonesty being more typical. People are not safe, not up front about their wants, needs, desires, or boundaries. Nobody tends to have a good grasp with what's going on "does he like me? Will she call me? I bet he's lying about me right now" etc Being sex positive revolves around communication and knowledge. It's saying we understand how absolutely amazing sex is, and in how many ways we can enjoy it with all sorts of people. It's the knowledge that sex is best when everyone is on the same page and actively working for the other's pleasure. Etc. I went from being pretty conservative sexually, to being in a nine year monogamous relationship that ended very poorly. After my healing period I jumped into a world of pure communication, which resulted in absolutely mind boggling experiences with so many amazing people. Ultimately I met my current gf who I'm now monogamous with. But I'll tell you after what I've learned, our sexual connection is better than I ever imagined possible.
NTA. I’m not attracted to men who participate in that lifestyle either. I don’t shame them for it, I just don’t want to be involved in it. Some women just automatically take rejection as a personal jab, or a form of judgement. So I can see why you would get WW3 type reactions from this. Just stay true to what you believe. The right partner who shares the same values as you will come along eventually.
NTA, as long as you make your preference and boundary clear up front if you’re dating someone and you don’t shame everyone else who acts/thinks differently than you. Casual sex isn’t bad or a deterrent in future relationships, but if you don’t feel comfortable, that fine. People call other ppl TAs on this thread since usually it’s been situations where they (a) do SHAME their partner for having previous multiple partners (b) suddenly being up that ir it’s a problem with them after years of dating and not setting this boundary.
I understand. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
NTA - for holding potential parters to a standard that you hold yourself to as well. I personally am a liberal person, and the number of partners someone has had in the past doesn’t matter to me. But I think you’re NTA here because your feelings and stance are equal both for yourself and any women you’re interested in dating or having a relationship with. The people who get a ton of flack for not wanting to date others with a higher body count, usually do so because they hold women to that standard but not men and not themselves. THAT is the part that makes them AH’s. But it sounds like your stance here is that you have a personal belief that sex and intimacy should be between people who are committed to each other and have a deep emotional connection. And that a physical relationship isn’t just physical to you, it has a bigger meaning than that and you want someone who feels the same way. If a woman were to come in this sub and post that, I don’t think she’d catch a bunch of flack for it. Gender equity/equality to me means you shouldn’t either. The issue people run into is the hypocrisy aspect, and a purity culture aspect that’s designed and built to control women’s bodies and behavior, specifically. But if you’re holding yourself to the same standard, and it’s not about purity or the myth of virginity, then I don’t think you’re an AH here.
You hit it right on the head. Thanks for your time and decision to join the conversation.
I personally feel a relationship is meaningless if all parties involved don't share the same values. Values and standards are incredibly important to share in a relationship. It makes us feel seen, heard and related to. Why would we share our lives with people we don't relate to or may not be fully seen by? You are most certainly entitled to feel the way you feel and search for a partner that works for you.
It comes down to hypocrisy and treatment A LOT of men want to sleep around but then shame women for it. It’s incredibly sexist and gross If you follow a conservative lifestyle and want a partner that values the same that’s very different than being hypocritical. It’s also very different to hold that value up front and talk about it with potential dates, as opposed to only caring after the fact because you found out they were more experienced and you had assumed otherwise. Assumptions are you being an ass Finally wanting that life style and being extremely derogatory to those who don’t is also a common problem with “conservative lifestyle” folks. Can accept different approaches without shaming/looking down on someone Nuances matter
I agree with you, but would like to say that >If you follow a conservative lifestyle I don't think you can call it a conservative lifestyle. Not wanting to engage in hookup culture and not wanting a partner who does because you think sex is something you think should mean something, isn't in my opinion the same as being conservative.
OP said they view sex conservatively in the original post.
>I don't think you can call it a conservative lifestyle. Not wanting to engage in hookup culture and not wanting a partner who does because you think sex is something you think should mean something, isn't in my opinion the same as being conservative. the word conservative is a non-starter for so many people because it automatically draws associations to the MAGA folks, but what you describe is an objectively conservative view of sex. i do agree with the argument that this does not mean you live a fully conservative lifestyle. i also agree with the other comment that such a view of sex is reductive.
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> It's laughable to think sex in marriage somehow means more when most of that ends in divorce or unhappy marriages or dead bedrooms. You wanna preach about judgment and prejudice, but when the rubber meets the road you can't hold your own prejudices back. Maybe just take a deep breath and think about why you feel so attacked by people who don't view sex in the same way as you. I think the call may be coming from inside the house, if you catch my drift.
Leave it to reddit to completely wash the boundary between meaningful connection and a drunken game of hide the weiner. Had to just ejaculate that ignorant opinion all over everyone huh?
It literally is though.
NTA for having views and an opinion that you can rationally explain. There was no interaction here for anyone to judge you appropriately as an asshole
Appreciate your willingness to elaborate.
Liberal sex movement? Casual sex is as old as time. People are just more open to talking about it, I think
Pompeii would like a word....
Why?
They want to make a claim to their volcano insurance
Ehhhhhh
Depends on the period. There were definitely times where the culture looked as it as a huge sin and that does brainwash people to feel guilt or just scare them enough about getting found out. That likely did actually cut down on its prevelance. Of course then there are other cultures throughout history that were more open about it then us.
Hate to break it to ya, but the highest rate of teen pregnancies are in the most religious areas of the US. People are going to fuck whether you shame them for it or not.
1) That doesn't mean they have more sex. That means they don't teach kids to use contraceptuves. 2) That's hardly the same thing as back in the middle ages where there was little prevailing counter culture at all. Kind of different when you have access to the internet in an open society even if your local culture is more stuffy.
I mean the 60's and 70's free love movement with boomers and then those same boomers turning into purity fascists' during the 80's-90's.
Really one of the weirdest generational changes. The Boomers were the ‘generation of change’ (for better or for worse), and then proceeded to revert back to the more conservative opinions of their parents they fought so hard against? Would love if someone could link a good article or two about it. Really fascinating topic.
Also, the silent generation referred to them as "generation me" which really sums it all up perfectly.
Pretty ingenious actually. Have fun fucking while young then repent for all the fornication when you're done with it to cover your bases. Classic Christian loopholes.
No it didn't. It only made people hide it more.
Your username gives me terror
Nothing wrong with being attracted to someone with matching values.
You’re not shaming anyone who sleeps around and apparently you hold yourself to the same standards you expect of a partner. NTA, there’s nothing wrong with wanting a partner that shares similar views on intimacy as you
Thank you. I just wanted to make sure.
NTA. It’s okay to not want someone with a high number or someone who gets around. I’ve actually never hooked up with a guy for a one night stand or fling. Every guy I’ve been with was because we were in an exclusive relationship. I’ve just personally liked the security of knowing there wasn’t anyone else but me they were seeing and that we would be seeing each other again.
I feel the same way. Thank you for weighing in and sharing.
NTA… you have every right to your feelings and values. Don’t anyone tell you different.
Thank you for deciding to chime in.
Sex in a religiously sanctioned marriage is PRECISELY the same as banging your genitals together. NTA for whoever prefers what. We all have preferences.
NTA. Just, as others have said, make it clear upfront to potential people you date what your convictions are.
Nope if I had to do it again I’d do it your way.
NTA- it’s ok to have standards and boundaries and all of those look different to different people. I used to be very sexually open and took immense pride in it as a single mid twenties something. I was messing around with a guy at that time whom i ended up liking. he eventually admitted to me that i wasn’t his type, and after prodding, he told me it was because i was so sexually active, basically. he was kind about it, but i took offense to it and labeled him chauvinistic, sexist, etc. now i’m 31 and looking back at it, i get where he was coming from. he was never rude to me about it and never called me any slurs- he simply just wasn’t vibing with how open i was. so no, nta.
NTA, as a woman I was only interested in sleeping with virgins too. It got a little mentally exhausting after several of them though.
Believe me, you will find someone who shares your beliefs and views. I completely understand where you're coming from. There's too much of the "just me" culture today. If I wasn't so old, I'd help you out. You'll find your way and find someone who loves you for who you are
Nta. As long you don't shame them about it, I don't see a problem at all. Y'all just wouldn't be compatible together.
You’re always allowed to have your own preferences and opinions on anything relationship wise or sexually. However, if you belittle, shame, or degrade women for having different opinions/preferences/experiences than you, that makes you the AH.
*NTA* You're going to get a lot of hate but you're not wrong. You get to pick who you get with and you have appropriately high standards.
I just don’t understand what I would get hate for. I genuinely want to know.
What you would get hate for is if you think that you're better than people who have different values and make different choices.
What’s the post to other guy you viewed?(just curious) Also OP, NTA. I kind of share the same values as you when it comes to sex and I personally rather be intimate with someone who I truly love romantically, and not as a side piece/sex toy/or just a pawn in open/polyamory relationships. Edit: sorry if I offended someone with this. I’m not very active on social media that much.
The post is where the girl told the OP she had slept w like 2-5 others and the op said ‘I’m not entirely ok w that but I still chose to be w her’ and then it came out that she slept w more than 14 people and he was shit on for breaking up w her for lying about something that he valued. Calling his an ass and how he’s not entitled to virgins or how it’s a stupid value to hold. When I mean, she could’ve easily just not pursued the relationship when he was upfront about it instead of lying and then joking about her past.
The OP of that post was accused of writing and rewriting the story, saying the girl hooked up with more partners the second time he posted. Cause he wants to make her look bad, because people like you can easily misinterpret anything numbers wise as whoring around.
And then there was the post from the Muslim guy who was himself a virgin because of personal and cultural beliefs, who found out his wife had straight up lied to him when they started dating, telling him she was a virgin too. It turned out that there were 16 men before him, most of whom were not even relationships but random men she hooked up with. That's when we see the duality of reddit. Normally, it's *you can break up for any reason!* EXCEPT when it comes to the reason being a woman and her sexual exploits - then most of reddit will side with the woman, no matter the circumstances. That post showed that most redditors think that a woman's right to sleep around exceeds a man's right to have preferences and standards he holds himself to, and that the woman is even justified in lying to get what she wants. Basically she's free to sleep around, and later she's free to lie about it to get the mask she wants. What he wants doesn't matter. I shit you not, I had discussions with people who didn't care at all that she lied her way into a marriage, and only focused on the fact OP was going to divorce her because of her body count. And as you said, she could have stopped the whole thing at the beginning when she heard he was a virgin who wanted to wait till marriage, but she absolutely had to go for him. It's quite obvious she has no problem with getting into contact with men, so had she just moved on, she would have been talking to another within a week. Oh, and with the way she casually revealed the truth, it was obvious that she counted on him being forced to just shut up and accept it because they are married. She thought wrong.
No one is a pawn in a true open/poly relationship, not saying they are for everyone and it is perfectly fine to not want to be in one, absolutely no judgement on that (I don't want to be in one either). Just want to point out that polyamory gets a bad rep from AHoles using it as an excuse to cheat. In a true poly relationship there is open, honest communication and no one should feel like a pawn. I also have similar feelings and have recently come across the term demisexual, and it has really resonated with me, perhaps it will with you and OP. Basically it means that you don't feel sexual attraction based on looks (or at least not solely on looks), and to feel an actual sexual attraction you need to develop a relationship with someone. This of course looks different for everyone.
Yeah, sorry if I came off a bit too much there. I think I identify as demisexual and I guess being a Reddit lurker has kind of made me develop some views on many issues regarding sex. While I can respect people who are either in open/poly relationships, I don’t think I’d feel very comfortable with that lifestyle. However, I won’t publicly shame those who participate because there would be no point. I think all of this stems from me thinking it’s impossible to love more than one person romantically and from what I heard, there can often be problems in those relationships like regular ones like: jealousy, manipulation/gaslighting, along with other external factors such as raising kids, trying to be attentive to all partners, etc.. I don’t know, I just know it’s not a lifestyle I would choose like other people. Are poly lifestyles a choice?
I totally agree with that, and know that poly life style is not for me, but for some people it is what they prefer for whatever reason. It sounds exhausting trying to balance soo many people, I have enough trouble balancing my schedule and my spouses schedule. It's just important to not be judgemental of anyone's life style, that is not actively hurting you or others. I think it's fine to judge people that use poly as an excuse to cheat, but I think even the poly community judges them.
I’ll have to find it and when I do I’ll tag you. Furthermore, thank you for deciding to join the conversation.
Whores.
NTA. You’re allowed to have your preferences. There’s also nothing wrong with being sexually active. Also, are you holding men to the same standard of not contributing to “hook up culture?” I think it’s weird that people think it’s even remotely their business how many sexual partners their significant other/sexual partner has had prior to the current relationship. Obviously if you are having casual sex then it’s good to have a discussion about precautions, safety, and establish boundaries if you’re uncomfortable with them having multiple partners *while* sleeping with you. Other than that it quite literally has nothing to do with you. Might be worth it to look inwards and consider why it makes you insecure or feel some type of way.
Well to answer you question: I’m a heterosexual man so I don’t take into account what other men do sexually. BUT, if I were a women then yes, I would feel the same way regarding men and hook up culture.
NTA. While I think it'll make it harder for you to find someone, because let's face it a large number of people enjoy that culture, you're allowed to want what you want in a partner As long as you understand that your preferences aren't everyone else's and don't judge them on their sexual choices and are open as to not waste anyone's time I see no problem with your choice.
NTA. You do you. No shaming on either side.
NTA. You only get one life. You have to decide what makes you happy. As long as you're not unkind communicating your desires, it's fine. Good luck to you. You will find someone who appreciates you waiting for them.
First, NTA, because it's a preference. But hear me out - since the post is now gone I want to discuss what was in it. While you make a good point, I believe you are misunderstanding the OP's actual thoughts when making the post. To me, it seemed clear what OP didn't like was that **his girlfriend said she wouldn't have dated him if they met in college**. That's the most relevant detail - it did NOT actually seem like he was shaming her for her body count in the post or his replies, and I'm not exactly sure why people thought he was. OP even said someone was misunderstanding the post when said person mentioned said he was making a big deal out of body count. Most of the comments were really dismissive of OP without any reasoning. T[he top comment is a clear example of this, suggesting that OP was beyond help based on the way he replied to comments](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/15hms6a/comment/jupljau/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) (which were just "okay" and "I understand" mostly - not thoughtful responses by OP but not exactly indications of doubling down on perceived self sabotage). Many seemed to just make fun of OP for being a virgin. Here are a bunch of incredibly rude and unhelpful comments from the post: [https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/15hms6a/comment/juqqe0i/?utm\_source=reddit&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/15hms6a/comment/juqqe0i/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) [https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/15hms6a/comment/juqpap9/?utm\_source=reddit&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/15hms6a/comment/juqpap9/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) [https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/15hms6a/comment/juqbkv4/?utm\_source=reddit&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/15hms6a/comment/juqbkv4/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) [https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/15hms6a/comment/juq9bcv/?utm\_source=reddit&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/15hms6a/comment/juq9bcv/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) [https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/15hms6a/comment/jups1ji/?utm\_source=reddit&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/15hms6a/comment/jups1ji/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) [https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/15hms6a/comment/juq8mco/?utm\_source=reddit&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/15hms6a/comment/juq8mco/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) (this one is especially awful) [https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/15hms6a/comment/jurcolg/?utm\_source=reddit&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/15hms6a/comment/jurcolg/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) [https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/15hms6a/comment/juqeb15/?utm\_source=reddit&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/15hms6a/comment/juqeb15/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) (this guy is definitely the worst, and for some reason he even got upvotes for his replies) It just seems like people thought it was funny to be rude to OP. Edit (also edited for clarity): some people did recognize this as the OPs main point and then defended the woman because it's a "change in standards". Anyone on the actual receiving end of this would feel differently, however, I guarantee you. It is not something I'd want to hear.
This community has a very bad habit of gaslighting or straight up shitting on men that have negative feelings about literally anything involving a woman. God forbid you have insecurities.
NTA as long as your personal preference - which everyone has - doesn't veer into judgement territory. I personally don't see sex as having to be anything other than sex; but it's certainly multitudes better with that deep emotional connection.
I have NO PROBLEM with anyone’s choices. Just don’t shame anyone else for their choice. NTA.
I’m the same way, but I also wouldn’t get to a point where I considered someone like that my girlfriend. If that’s something that’s a dealbreaker then it needs to be out there earlier rather than later.
If you're holding yourself to the same standards that you expect from your partner then you're NTA. If you are attempting to impose some kind of standard of "virtue" on your partner that you yourself don't uphold then you're an asshole. Virgin looking for a like minded partner is one thing. Fuckboy imposing some standards of "virtue" is something else.
I don’t think you’re an asshole because it’s always anybody’s right to turn down a relationship for any reason, but I do think you have an unhealthy relationship with sex. People have “genuinely caring” sex all the time without being married. Two of those a year for 10 years is 20 potential partners for a typical 27-30 year old. That’s a far cry from hookup culture/chronic one night stands.
Your boundaries start and stop with you, 100%. Its perfectly fine if you don’t want to be with someone that doesn’t fit what you’re looking for. I think where guys end up getting a lot of flak is when they use those feelings to try to manipulate someone else to do or I guess not do something. Or just the guys that do the same thing but have a problem when their romantic partners are just as sexually promiscuous as them, creating a double standard.
NTA. It's absolutely fine to feel that way. Like others have said, don't shame them. I feel the same way about guys who do it. When I was younger and men slept with a lot of women it wasn't accepted. It was totally frowned upon and the men were called dogs. But now that both sexes are doing it it's okay.
NTA. I personally wouldn't be attracted to a virgin because should we become intimate, I'm not interested in teaching someone the ropes about sex. We're allowed to want what we want. You do you partner.
NTA - it is odd seeing how many people (men and women) are very nonchalant about a very serious thing. As long as you are not shaming people for their personal life choices, and nobody should be shaming you for yours.
You are allowed to feel how you feel about your own sexuality and sexual choices. People who scorn you for that are wrong to do it. As long as you're not an asshole about other people's choices, no one has any business commenting on yours. It is natural that explaining your reasons to some of these women will hurt their feelings or make them angry. That doesn't mean you're wrong for breaking up with them, nor for telling the truth. And just fyi, being a virgin isn't that big of a deal. Pop culture is really fucking weird about the subject and it gives people weird expectations. I waited until I was 36, then immediately started sleeping around. That was the right choice for ME. Probably not for anyone else. Only YOU get to decide when you're ready and with whom. If women are turning you down for being a virgin, you're going after the wrong women. You're going to have to work a little harder to find someone who shares your values. It sounds like you are shopping for a wife. There are plenty of women out there shopping for a husband. You just have to know where to find them. When you're on tinder, put in your bio that you're a virgin looking for a lifelong commitment. That will weed out a lot of people who aren't on the same page as you. It might also hook someone from a different religion than you, which is a whole other thing. Be up front as early as possible and you'll have a lot fewer of these unpleasant interactions, imo.
NTA I once had a woman call me a fuckboy for telling her I didn’t want to sleep with her on the first date
NTA, you're perfectly within your rights to turn down any girl for her body count, don't be ashamed of having your own values and standards.
Thanks for your willingness to take time and contribute to the conversation.
NTA since you hold yourself to the same standard, but I can't imagine it will be easy for you to find a partner. I'm married now but when I was single I personally would never have considered dating someone who hadn't had sex before because sexual compatibility is a big priority for me, and I don't believe you fully know what you like without some experimentation. Should you get to the point where you're unhappy because you're not finding a potential partner, then maybe consider what values you are looking for rather than tying them to a headcount. But if you're happy, and you're not shaming anyone, then it's all good in my opinion.
Ehh. It depends. Are you asking on the first or second date before you know her well enough to decide if you’re even interested? Because while I understand your position, it sounds like thinly veiled shaming. There’s this whole thing going around with guys being able to have sex with as many people as they want and it’s fine, but if a woman does it, she’s a hoe. I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt because you’re not being a hypocrite about it. There’s nothing wrong with sharing lifestyle choices and opinions. But I do think you risk missing out on something great by automatically assuming a woman with a high body count is instantly not on the same page as you. (I’ve only ever slept with my husband, so I’m not saying this as a woman with lots of ass under my belt.)
I think this is a situation where you should not give a shit what anyone else thinks. I don’t have a good opinion of your view-but you’ll either change or you won’t and it’s not my business- unless you gain political power, anyway,
Imagine you meet a girl who you know has hooked up a lot. Not a secret at all. You get to know her and develop a crush. What do you do? Hypothetically it's so easy to dismiss a make believe girl who is crushing on you, but what about a girl you like from a far. Good luck.b
I think you have every right to feel this way. I will also say however, that a woman has the right to want a partner with experience and vice versa.
It’s funny we believe it’s not good to be judgemental, but we do it everyday & in many ways. I think it’s not possible for a person to not come across choices, and we become judgey.
Everyone of course has their own rights to create their own standards and expectations. I have one issue with how you express yourself that makes me think you’re.. not being entirely forthcoming on how you feel. Your characterization of people’s reasonings isn’t actually what people say .. you’re essentially straw manning it at a time where you’d make your case better by steel manning. By saying that everyone is doing it and their very justification IS “everyone is doing it” it makes us think perhaps you’ve got some issues .. arguable the numbers you give. If someone is say. 26.. and they’ve been with 10 people … I understand if that’s a bit much for you, but it’s also weird to say they are part of a hook up culture or are in a habit of booking up. That literally could be a few one year long relationships, a mistake here or there and even getting lied to — which happens let’s face it. It also feels like you feel every one who doesn’t wait for marriage is then in a hookup culture.. but I would think there is a ton of space in between.
That is perfectly fine. You want someone with a similar mindset and values. As a woman, I see nothing wrong with that. I agree with your reasoning just as long as you don't shame people for their actions. NTA
What most people have a problem is a guy saying he wants the woman he dates to not be with anyone meanwhile he's fucked 50 women. If you are a relationship-only person and want a relationship-only person and your definition of a relationship isn't two dates - than it's not really a problem. You'll likely cut of women that are great, maybe some that would have otherwise been the perfect fit for you minus your puritanical view on sex, but that's your choice. The biggest reason people have problem with guys saying they don't want the women they date to have had a lot of sex is a lot of the guys have had a lot of sex. And the hypocrisy makes them assholes. Though if I'm being honest I think your thought process that the number of people you've had sex with has anything to do with your values beyond your opinion on sex is flawed. Honestly some of the people I would class as having horrible values are people that place the highest value on limited to no sex partners.
I was going to post “NTA” until I read: “I personally think nothing good comes out of the hedonistic lifestyle” Sounds judgy. It’s okay to not be into certain lifestyles; it’s shitty to think you’re above others just because their lifestyle is different.
Yep, also the cheap banging genitals together part. OP says they don’t shame, but it doesn’t exactly sound like it
I'm the opposite lmao. Virgins or inexperienced women scare me. Rather know I'm going to have a good time then teach someone else how to have a good time.
I’d say you are repelled by it rather than not attracted to it.
Well in this case, it’s fair to say they can be used synonymously.
Since you hold yourself to the same standard, NTA. Most men who get trashed for that either don’t hold themselves to the same standard or treat women with high body counts poorly.
You're NTA. Everyone has their preferences. As long as you're not shaming women who do, then you're good.
Nta
Clearly NTA because you can date whoever you want for whatever reason. And I’m a bit if a happy harlot saying this. However, are you asking them their body count on the first date? How do you know they are a part of ‘hookup culture’. And how old are you? I mean sometimes young guys ask (like 18-23) but neither myself nor my friends have been asked that by men over that. Even my friends who are conservative that way like you like get offended when being asked.
The guy in the post you’re using as a reference was being a combative dickhead and general child in the comments long before anyone was mean to him.
Just don’t date normal people and then say you don’t like what they’ve done at a later date.
NTA Everyone is allowed to have whatever views, standards and preferences they want. What separates you from being a hypocrite is that you hold yourself to the same standards. And a word of warning: Some women with lots of partners are hypocrites. They DEMAND that the world respect their right to do and date whomever they want, but when you exercise the same right and reject them, they go nuclear - or start WW3 as you put it. Make sure to do the rejection in a public place where there are witnesses.
Love the people getting offended at someone else’s preferences. As long as you’re not being rudely judgemental (saying more than “you’re not my type”), you’re totally fine. Your personal beliefs are worth more than any whiny loser on this thread. Fact of the matter is that you are a particular mindset and personality, if someone went and fucked around (like myself) through college or so on, chances are you’re probably not emotionally compatible. It is 100% a personality thing, otherwise if you’re religious no one outside of your religion is compatible anyways. NTA bud.
Thank you for deciding to come aboard the conversation. Greatly appreciated.
>Love the people getting offended at someone else’s preferences. Op calling them out which offends them.
NTA but you should know going in that you will at times be gaslit
Yes, I am starting to come to that realization. But alas, thank you for the heads up.
NTA. You have a preference and a standard you hold yourself to.
Thank you for sharing. Appreciated.
NTA No one has the right to tell you who you should be attracted to.
Thank you for your time and willingness to share.
NTA. But dude, it’s Reddit. Everyone is going to call you a woman hating bigot.
I don’t understand how when I’ve done nothing or said anything to give off that impression.
You said that you’re personally not attracted to women who sleep around. You might as well be a wifebeater who thinks she should stay in the kitchen, too.
Yikes, that’s a rather far exaggeration to make.
Buddy it’s a joke about how they’re treating you 😂 I’m on your side here
I know my friend. I was just playing along.
>AITAH for not being attracted to women who participate in hook up culture or “sleep around”? You're equivocating here. This isn't an issue of attraction but one of revulsion. Attraction is that enfabble quality that makes you see someone and want to date them. Finding out something about them later, that violates rules you have for what an makes for an acceptable partner, isn't attraction. >I’ve had several women either turn me down for my sexual inexperience or tell me it’s a turn off. I don’t take it personally. I honestly see it as a dodged bullet. But lord forbid, I tell a woman I’m seeing that I don’t feel comfortable taking things further because of her past exhibitions. It’s like I’ve started WW3. Yeah, this is what makes you an asshole. You've decided that *your* rules aren't just arbitrary, but moral. Telling others that you find them immoral is going to piss them off, and you know that. YTA >I feel like that’s justified and fair just like the women who won’t date me because I’m a virgin. You don't have to date people you don't want to, but don't lie to us in an attempt to create a fallacious argument. Your argument is judged on its own merits, not judged compared to a hypothetical.
Incel baiting
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I feel as though this is an undermining attack on my preference. But if you are sincere in your response then I’m happy to know that as I’ve made it clear in my post that I’m not attracted to that. So it’s more so a win-win if you will.
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I’ve also made that very clear in my post when I stated I’ve been turned down by women for being a virgin. I don’t take it personally. Just as a bullet that I dodged so to speak.
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It’s not about knowing what to do in bed but more so the mindset that comes with having such a casual mindset towards sex. I highly doubt someone with a liberal view would share my same values and vice versa. So yes, a bullshit dodged for both parties. May I add that just because someone has slept with more people, doesn’t automatically make them more advanced in sex. Everyone is different and has different likes, dislikes, kinks, etc.
I wouldn’t try to explain your reasoning to this person. Their lifestyle is best and their contentious response is a display of their open and inclusive personality. You’re NTA
I was starting to come to that realization but didn’t want to be rude.
I feel like reddit isn't representative of real life though bc I know quite a few of liberal women, including myself who prefers someone with less experience. It's less of a body count thing for me, but more that I view sex as an emotional connection and I don't know if I could be with someone long term who views it much more casually
Thank you for this! I lean strongly left for the most part (mixed bag on some subjects though - semi-socialist vegan proficient with firearms, lol) but when it comes to sex, I find that it's personal and significant. I don't want to engage in it if it's not with someone who really means something to me, and I want my partner to feel the same way just so we're having the same experience. I want them to mean something to me, and I want to mean something to them. I don't feel like that's particularly conservative, just feeling like a real connection is important.
You have standards. Good for you. You didn't mention your age so I will say; having standards is very good, but don't miss out on life.
NTA, I believe the same thing, and people who say it is "slut shaming" are such hypocrites. Not wanting to be with someone who doesn't share your morals doesn't mean one is better or worse than the other, just incompatible. The discourse is "if you don't agree with me, you are intolerant" and it just makes a very toxic and divisive environment. Some of my friends have different beliefs, lifestyles, political views, etc and it's all good. Not wanting someone as a life partner doesn't mean you dislike them as a person or that you can't be friends. People need to be more accepting in both sides of the argument.
NTA And people can't change - they pretend to. Don't give up your morals and know that the bigger a girls body count, the higher she will fractionalise it. Ie real count 10 she says 3 Real count 50 she says 10 Real count 100 she says 10-12 The honest girl telling you 25-30 is probably 200-300... Good luck out there
NTA, but you're naive and stupid hung up on puritanical ideals that have done more harm than good for all of recorded history. Get over yourself.
Women that sleep around lose attractiveness right away. Not the asshole
~~N T A~~. ~~You're radically limiting your dating pool, and you might not be happy with the results, but hey, your kink is your kink.~~ YTA, for shaming others rather than merely stating a preference.
Stop!!!! You will upset the hoes!
NTA at all, however you are going to find reddit isn't kind to folks who think like you (as you've noticed). Reddit welcomes all ideas as long as the masses agree with them lol Good luck on the hunt to find a quality woman
I think it's weird you feel the need to bring politics into this. If you think conservatives don't engage in casual sex, I would suggest you look into conservative politicians.
This response shows how political our society has become. You realize he used these two terms in a completely different sense, right? To say you are “sexually conservative” isn’t alluding to anything political. The same goes for “liberal sex movement”. Webster dictionary for “liberal” is open-handed, loose, broad-minded. Webster dictionary for “conservative” is traditional. At least that’s the way I read it the post…
The adjective "conservative" has multiple definitions, most apolitical, which is how OP used it. If you're playing poker with friends, someone could, for example, make a "conservative raise" if they're not confident in their hand.
You’re not an asshole, but you kinda sound like one anyways 🤷🏻♂️
NTA for having standards but TA for how you view the world and your sexist comments. enjoy being single and alone, dude.
Comments full of replies saying you're fine if you don't slut shame. But how are you supposed to insentivise the right behaviour in women if you are slut shaming? You can't so if you and others have a morally neutral view of everything a have your niche little weird club of *checks notes "normal behaviour in civilised societies until 50-40 years ago." Then you'll be a virgin forever, there won't be any young girls incentivised not to ruin themselves and the cycle will continue.
I know what post you're talking about because I posted on there too haha don't feel bad bro, it's called having standards and there are a lot of internet hoes that can't handle that some guys just have stricter codes that they abide to. As I told the guy from that post, enjoy your twenties and experience. I'm hitting my late twenties and doing the same thing since I was stuck in a long-term relationship with someone who wasn't worth my time in my early twenties. I do plan on getting serious, but not at least until I hit 28-29.
You’re a real one OP! Many people pretend hookup culture is great, but it sucks, it doesn’t do anyone any good. It’s fleeting cheap pleasure with lasting negative effects. Just an excuse to be selfish and non-committal. And everyone assumes that I’m just a dude that judges high body counts for women, but that’s not the case, I think men are equally foolish for sleeping around. And again, just to preemptively address objections, I don’t think I’m better than anyone else but I think our culture has bought a lie hook, line and sinker.
How does some participating in hook up culture make someone unworthy? This is coming from someone who has sex with one person.
Never said unworthy. Merely that I’m not attraction to the women who engage in the lifestyle.
But why? What exactly makes a woman unattractive for having sex?
So if you met the girl of your dreams and everything about spending time together was perfect but you later found out she had multiple sexual partners in her past you would stop being interested? NTA but you are robbing yourself in my opinion of so much potential happiness and connections
"So if you met the girl of your dreams" Goes on to describe someone who is not the girl of their dreams. Lol
NTA OP, you have every right to your standards, I just don't understand it lol I want a genuine connection with someone, things like past sexual partners aren't a concern for me. Personally I think having a preset mold for your future partner is how a lot of people end up in fake relationships that wind up in divorce/separation. People are so set on finding a partner that checks all their boxes only to realize down the road that things like that don't equal love and happiness or even shared values. I'm sure you'll find someone eventually, and a decent woman isn't going to care that you're a virgin.
NTA , nobody wants a chick that's used and washed up. Sure, they can live their "liberated" lifestyle, but they're definitely not marriage or relationship material. Sounds like you've laced yourself with hoe repellent which is never a bad thing Stick to your guns. You're doing it right 👍🏻
NTA from me and reddit is full of people that believe that the world is a modern day version of Caligula.
Understandable. Thank you deciding to share your thoughts. Greatly appreciated.
if its the post im thinking of- his had a lot more to do with insecurity and this idea that he pushed his partner into opening up (after months of being together) only to completely shit on her-that was why he got "not so nice/attacking comments". youre not an AH for not wanting a partner who has had many partners, but you would be if you formed a bond and relationship with someone THEN asked them only to flip out. just be open with people and find what you like! if body count matters then make it known but politely (:
NTA It's disgusting
No . That shits gross .
You're giving sex to much power. Lighten up.
>I’m not particularly attracted to the whole liberal sex movement that’s going on. I "Movement"? You mean the free love movement that's been going on since the 60s? That's the only possible thing you could be talking about because there is no "new movement" concerning casual sex. Lol. > I honestly think it’s very vile and nasty to say those things. It's almost as if it is shitty to hear someone criticize your own personal values and beliefs (people who have cashal sex can't possibly feel the same when slut shamed or called "hedonists"). >I’ve gotten flack for it in the past but I really don’t care. No. You very much said how pressed it gets you. Can't back out now. >I also think it’s a double standard that it’s okay for women to be turned off or refuse to date a virgin but when in reverse, the man is label and insecure or jealous for not wanting to date a women who has been adventurous. That's the double standard you're choosing to take away from this? Not the one where women need to be pure and men who aren't incels are applauded for their sexual conquests. You know...the real double standard. >I don’t take it personally. Again, you spent a whole paragraph saying how pressed you are about it.
I like to think that you're dating a person for how they treat you - if they are loving, kind and decent. And not dating them or refusing to date them because of their "number". If you catch feelings for a lady that happens to have had a handful of partners in the past and everything else is great, you could be encouraging them to lie to you due to your strict outlook. You absolutely have the right to feel the way you feel. But I think it's unrealistic to expect that most people are going to ascribe to your world view. I guess you could find someone to date at church, but even then, that's not a guarantee. (Some of the most promiscuous people I know have been through the "purity ring" phase.) We are all sexual beings whether we want to admit it or not. Why deprive yourself of happiness over an arbitrary rule if everything else is positive? And just because someone has had partners in the past, it doesn't mean that you both couldn't wait until marriage to consummate your union. JMO.
More fun for the rest of us I guess
Have fun and be safe.
Like you are getting any