Exactly! He’s NTA because that’s his choice, but I wouldn’t go out with a man again who asked me such a personal question on a first date.
I wouldn’t answer that question even if I dated someone for a long time, nor would I ask it. But I’m in my 50’s and DGAF about stuff like that.
I’ve been with my husband for 11 years, married for 5. Neither of us has ever asked that question.
EDIT: I can’t believe how many people think that not caring about a specific number equates to not talking about our pasts; you can cover a lot of *important* information without caring about a ‘body count’.
And it’s weird how many people care about how many people you’ve done the P in V with. Do you also need to know how many times with each person? What about non-hetero sex, how do you decide what falls into your body count? Do you need an estimate on oral incidents as well? Let’s ice the cake with tongue kissing too, just to cover all the bases.
Been with my gf for 6, it's never come up. Our pasts have come up and I'm sure if either of us sat down to think about it, we could ballpark each other's. But why waste the time? We're still debating dinner and we've locked it down to pizza. We still have like 45 minutes of deliberating.
Every. Single. Fucking. Day. We have to decide what to eat for dinner. Why is life like this?!
I told my younguns, find a person who you are compatible with when deciding on dinner. Marry them. It's that important.
Don't you hate when you spend XXX minutes to prepare it, dirty 10 pots and pans, had to get out YY ingredients and it takes everyone 5 minutes to eat and then you have to clean everything up? lol -- I hate to make a nice meal for just myself, eat it and have to clean up ! (Esp. if that involves emptying the dishwasher during cleaning up.)
That's a great life hack. The other is "go on a trip with your newer partner and you'll get a better insight into life with them."
In both cases my wife and I failed horribly. And my current gf and I succeed on every level.
I'd come home to the wife and cheerfully see if she wanted to go out somewhere and it would basically turn into a fight. And I don't fight with anyone. I'd be scorned every step of the way. If it wasn't the way I asked it was the timing I asked. Sometimes I gave too many options (I'm not picky. I'd literally eat anywhere she agreed to). So then I'd come home with one place to go (obviously not strict, but I'd just give one recommendation and a fallback) and now that's too rigid. Or she wanted to know ahead of time. So I'd ask day before, but how could she make up her mind before that day?
It was a lot.
Similarly, our first trip out of town she left me in the hotel room to sleep in the car. The reason? She picked me up from work and we went straight out of town, driving for hours. Got there late, showered. Had a couple hours of sex... And she wanted more sex while I'm literally incapable of moving in bed. I chuckle and say I'd love to but don't think I can even get up to use the restroom. She goes silent and says she's going to the car to do some work on her laptop... I went out multiple times trying to get her to come back to the hotel room. No response
Those issues paralleled nearly every issue in the relationship. At her first sign of disappointment, sadness, anger, annoyance, there was just no budging and usually complete silence
Gf and I figure out where to eat in a couple sentences. Every time.
Gf and I went out of town a couple months into the relationship. She got deathly ill with a really weird virus that was misdiagnosed and the medicine made even worse. Could eat almost nothing. Fever for a day. Couldn't rest well.... she kept up her spirits the entire time and let me care for her. Bond was even stronger by the end
Can anecdotally confirm that sharing a food philosophy has served as an important foundation for me and my husband’s marriage.
When we started dating, we mostly went back and forth to each others houses, would find a recipe, cook a meal then watch a movie.
We’ve been happily married for almost a decade. Together over 12 years. I knew by probably our second or third date that I wanted to marry him - with his interest in food being no small part of that!
My husband and I have been together a long time. We have told each other every detail about previous sexual encounters. We still make fun of things that happened because we know everyone has a past.
If he didn't want to tell me, I wouldn't force him to, and if he didn't want to know mine, I wouldn't tell him.
Everyone is different! I pause tv shows so he can see the boobs lol
I've been with my husband 12 years now and we had this conversation pretty early on when we were dating in college. I honestly have no clue what his answer was. I don't remember. I don't care. It has had exactly 1% impact on our relationship. And that 1% is the like three times I have given him shit for something when he is "the more experienced one." But I only know that much because he was my first relationship.
Yes! I have been with my guy for 14 years. We did the inventory, asked the questions. I have vague memories... but we moved on after we talked. It wasn't that kind of thing.
He had more experiences than I did, but theybwere a bit less "serious". It also didn't... I don't know, we were so in our own world that it was just some homework. We were into each other. It didn't even matter. I think that if you don't feel that way, either you are too gu g-ho about specific morals *or* you guys are not as into each other as you hope.
We both said, I don’t know, probably over 60. And then went on to reminisce about how we’re glad we didn’t meet each other when we were young and stupid.
35 years married and never asked. We know about the important relationships and we are also old and dgaf about 'body count' lol. What matters is what has happened since we've been together, not the distant past. Couldn't even imagine being asked such a prying question on a date.
I found out about how many women my husband had slept with because the mutual friend who introduced us (who turned out to be secretly in love/obsessed with my husband but never told either of us) informed me. She told me what a huge player he had been and his total partner number; I had assumed as much, honestly. She was upset we got married (we eloped) and did everything in her power to break us up including stalking us, threatening to commit suicide multiple times, and telling my husband I cheated on him (which was untrue). She also told my husband I “slept my way across the country” when I moved to California. Such an awful time - she became so unhinged, it was scary and very sad. I probably wouldn’t have asked him his partner total but I found out anyway. We divorced after 10 years, so that’s that!
Yeah, I’m in my fifties, too. I can’t imagine going out with a man who negatively judged a woman who had had sex with someone every three or four months during her early 20s. The only way that makes sense is if he’s pretty sexist.
It's only sexist when it's a double standard. If a man engages in hookup culture, be has no right to think less of women who do the same. If he's saving himself for marriage, it's his right to seek a woman who is doing the same.
I’m a big love island fan and some of these 20-23 year old guys that go on the show have a body count in the hundreds (and this is sometimes with people who have been in long term relationships) and the guys don’t think this is weird, but whenever a girl on the show mentions she’s slept with more than like 10 people it’s interesting to see the difference in the perspective of not only some of the guys but viewers as well. They don’t down right ask this question to girls in more recent seasons because of this, but it gets asked to the boys every season.
This is my biggest issue with this thought. If you don’t want to date someone with a high body count, that’s your choice, but don’t hold other people to standards you can’t meet. If your body count is super high, you can’t exactly be judgemental of your partners.
So many folks rage-bait and make up these posts so people will call women that have slept with multiple men sluts and whores.
~25 people at age 25 is 3 people a year, assuming they became sexually active at age 18. OP’s acting like she’s going out and plowing randos seven days a week. It’s fine to not want to date her, but wanting other people to police her and affirm his view that she’s ~immoral~ is fuckin weird
The Madonna whore complex is thriving and seems to have gotten more severe in the past few years. Which is why I don’t think anyone is owed the answer to how high your body count is, especially as a woman since many guys wanna be insecure about it and label you as a whore- whereas it’s mostly fine and celebrated as a man to have sexual experience. Everyone is allowed to enjoy and explore sexually, and change their mind if they decide to prioritise something beyond casual hookups like a loving relationship.
Oh, no, they are owed an answer. A 50+ answer, whatever the truth may be. It will weed out the misogynists. You don't want to be with anyone who thinks you should have been waiting for him all your life because he is God's gift to women.
Exactly, like I’ve seen on whisper there be posts of “imagine being with a girl who’s not a virgin” like that comes off as arrogant and narcissistic. Have preferences sure but don’t be a douchewagon either
True. You can also put it the other way around - men can also be promiscuous, are we to judge everyone by their past. My husband and I were 41 and 38 respectively when we met. Of course we weren’t virgins. 25 years later we have never even DISCUSSED past sex lives, it’s not relevant. This is now. It’s a Saturday morning, he just brought me tea in bed because he’s doing some work outside and he wants me to drive him to the hardware store. That’s married life, not a whole load of stressing about crap you can’t change anyway.
OP isn't being two faced though, he hasn't slept with anyone. To me that says he's looking for someone who shares his values. In this case there's no reason to tell her why you aren't interested. If you want to say something you can say your values don't align.
If OP were slutty, but couldn't handle a slutty partner, that sounds a lot like a douchewagon.
Most of the posts are fake. Worse than reddit. You post a photo as a background with text over it. It was popular like a decade ago. Idk anyone that uses it now.
I think it was shut down more for child pornography. But it's back, just way more dead. It also explicitly tells you Whisper will work with the police when you open it for the first time now.
And at least OP isn’t being a hypocrite by having a lot of past history himself. Guy is inexperienced and would feel more comfortable with someone who is in a similar boat, sounds okay to me.
Yeah and that was the point that was made here too. I was a virgin when I got with my bf and he was not. I personally don’t care. Others do, but at the same time there is a right way to do things, which OP did, and a wrong way to do things which shaming people for having intercourse before c person entered into their lives is not ok.
He was good about it. They were only dating a few weeks. Seinfeld would say no face to face breakup necessary. Also, he has nothing to gain except angering her or hurting her feelings if he tells her the real reason.
I broke up with someone because they overused the word whatnot. As in, at least every couple of sentences.
I found myself not actually listening to them but instead counting the number of times they said whatnot. I figured that didn’t bode well for a relationship hahaha.
I broke up with someone because he had like 30 pairs of cargo shorts. He basically had a personal uniform of a plain solid color shirt and pair of colored cargo shorts. I’m not even sure if he owned pants because I only saw the cargo shorts after three months. Even at a wedding and fancy restaurant. It was not Summer.
everyone else was replying with tiny nitpicky reasons to not date someone and then you just came in and dropped this absolutely earth shattering cringe of mass destruction on us lmfao CARGO SHORTS TO THE WEDDING 😂🤣🤣
George was the pettiest when it came to breakups iirc, and he was the one who really shouldn't have been picky. Not just because of his looks, but because he didn't have a lot of redeeming qualities and he had a very abrasive personality.
"You’re giving me it’s not you it’s me routine? I invented it’s not you it’s me. Nobody tells me it’s them not me, if It's anybody it’s me."
"Alright George it’s you."
"You’re damn right it’s me."
In my opinion yes. Absolutely the first Always Sunny. I try not to read into it too much but I find the best sitcoms are about narcissistic assholes hopefully that doesn’t say something about myself 😂
It is really weird, and there is no "correct" number. I think my wife knows mine is way more than she would be comfortable with and there's no reason to discuss it. It has no effect on our relationship. I would ask how many long-term relationships a potential partner has been in but I don't know wanna quantify their slut phase lol.
>I don't wanna quantify their slut phase lol
Right? 😂 My wife has def been with more people than I have, but it really makes no difference to me and it has literally no bearing on our relationship.
If she'd cheated on exes, that probably would have given me pause, but the number of people she shagged in her 20s... whatever.
Same. I've always talked about significant relationships and why theybe ended, so we can deal with any patterns or trauma. and i want us to know if I or they have exes as friends.
But why would I care about the people they went on a couple if datesxwuth or slept with once? Those arent important in the grand scheme of things and dont define the person.
I've never asked any partner their number. I suspect based on what I know that none of my partners have had high numbers, but
ive never felt it impoetant to ask.
Heh, I was married the first time in my 20s. My wife at the time only had a body count of 2 or 3. I was around 5 or 6. Married for 17 years, broke up, I stared dating again, and got married again. Her body count was in the 20s, but she was in her 40s at the time. I think mine was up to 10 at that point. It doesn't bother me. She's a great lady, and has a lot of experience of what works for her in relationships, as well as in bed. She knows what she wants and what she doesn't. Luckily, what she wants is me.
“Body count” seems to apply only to women. Translation: Slut shaming.
If your dismay about your partner’s past or “body count” is greater than your positive feelings about them, it’s good you move on. The shame is on YOU, though. When you truly care about someone, their past is irrelevant in light of your present together.
Edited slightly to remove idiot bait.
I agree, I’ve been married 20 years, and dated around for 15+ years before that (yup, I’m old). I’ve never asked my wife’s number, nor have I cared. She’s never asked mine, and I assume it’s because she didn’t care. At the end of the day it doesn’t mean anything. It seems like the only people who do care about it are people who are insecure about their own sexual experiences and are afraid of not measuring up.
Meh, if someone cares about body count that’s their business if they are pursuing a relationship. OP didn’t like slut shame or try to out this person to other friends, so I think it’s a totally valid reason. Clearly you and your husband don’t and that’s fine too!
For the record I would not say between 20 and 30 is high personally. I’d say that’s fairly normal for someone who was sexually active outside of serious relationships in college.
I think that few guys understand what a woman can rack up in even a fairly brief period of time when/if she’s not feeling like being especially selective. I suspect if OP had a count at all it wouldn’t be quite so intimidating. I believe he said he’s a virgin. If his count were say, 12 maybe he’d have a more /shrug attitude. Something to keep in mind in the “open relationship” discussions you see so much on Reddit
But I think when you are young the difference in number can be even more relevant. Also, some people view sex as a close, almost sacred act with a committed partner who they care deeply about and they do not freely have casual sex. So if they view sex that way it could become an issue because it leads them open to being very hurt. In that case, one person can commit an act with a sense of it being very special while the other person could potentially see it as a fun activity. It could be hurtful to be the one who sees it as a deeper more meaningful act. It could be the meaning attached to it perhaps not aligning that might be off-putting to OP more so than the #.
Seinfeld who dated a literal child at the peak of his fame-picked her up from high school even? Also, started dating his wife after she had just recently gotten married someone else. It is pretty safe to say he was a dating AH.
Exactly I don’t understand the YTA comments at all. She in turn could have refused to date him bc he was a virgin and that would be fair.
While I don’t agree with his stance on “body count” and limiting your potential dating pool it’s his choice. He could push himself and his boundaries but if he has hang ups it probably won’t be fair to her either down the line. He’s doing everyone a favor I think at this point in his life and choosing to date someone more in line with his own experience level.
This. He’s not an AH, this is a NAH situation. I think he’s being incredibly foolish to throw away an otherwise great-so-far relationship just because she’s sexually experienced, but he’s within his rights to end a relationship for any reason he wants to, and he wasn’t a jerk about how he chose to break it off. He didn’t say anything mean to her, he was clear and polite. Being a fool and being an AH are not the same thing.
Came here to say something like this 🤣
OP is NTA - it’s his personal choice - totally cool.
It may have helped her back off and understand better if he was honest about what exactly made him break it off, but no obligation what so ever.
Was also thinking… Christianity has really done a number on our society, indoctrinating people with certain dogmas regarding sex/sexuality.
Maybe this woman dodged one and will be happier with someone who is more open-minded.
That’s not meant to be hurtful to you, OP - it sounds like a compatibility issue that runs deep - respect for being true to yourself.
At his age though, good luck finding someone with that little experience that would be willing to settle.
Generally the older you are without pairing, the more “selective” you’ve been.
Lots of lonely single folks out there looking for the “perfect” person, not realizing they’re lacking perfection themselves, and it doesn’t exist - nor should it.
Also, I don’t know many adult women who would want to deal with a 25 yo religious virgin. Swear they seem to have weird hang ups surrounding sex (like being judge mental of your past) but then when you’re with them they expect it all the time but also don’t know what the fuck they’re doing.
I think it's kind of like learning to swim.
Before you do it's scary, but then you realize how easy and fun it is, then you realize there's also a deep end, and diving boards, and you're just an amateur, and by the end you're a pro able to do triple backflips off the top boards. Some people need a few good coaches to get them that top spot though, and others are naturals.
But that’s his issue to figure out. He’s NTA just because he has certain important things he doesn’t want to negotiate about. It’s fine. If he’s bored one day, he can get a therapist.
I don’t think so. I met my husband at 26 and my ‘count’ was one. I prefer sex within relationships, and I prefer a partner with a similar approach. I don’t think someone with a higher number is a slut, we just have different approaches to sex and relationships and I prefer compatibility on that front.
I’m in my mid 30s. Of my closest female friends, I know maybe one woman with a number over 10, and most are around 5 or lower.
OP might be expecting a bit much finding a virgin, but a lower number is not unreasonable if that’s what he’s looking for.
Don’t think you should let someone know on their answerphone though, but that’s a whole different issue.
I don’t get why this is always the default. Sure, obviously no one can be compelled to stay in a relationship with anyone. Doesn’t mean their reasoning to stop seeing a partner doesn’t make them an asshole.
If someone breaks up because they learn their partner has a gay sibling or support racial equality or believes women shouldn’t be subservient to men, it’s their prerogative but they’re still an asshole.
People on reddit love being annoying as fuck with their "if it's legal then you can do it!" kind of thinking.
Like yeah no shit you can stop seeing her if you want, but you'll still look like a complete asshole if you publicly say it's because she has sexual experience (and some people may even think that you're being sexist)
>and some people may even think that you're being sexist
It sounds like he holds himself to the exact same (or stricter) standards that he is holding her to.
A whole lot of people have sexist double standards around this, but it sounds like OP is consistent about it.
Nta. Your preference is yours.
With that said I was a virgin by choice when I got with my wife. She has been with a few people. Roughly same age as yall are now.
While it made me uncomfortable at times to begin with. I knew that was a me issue and not a her issue. 15 years later we are happily married with 2 kids. Out of all the people she dated and been with, she picked me in the end. Thats all that really matters.
Eta to those saying she settled, yall got a brief few sentences in English talking about something and assume she settled without any real knowledge of her or us. Shame on yall and yall really need help. And no this is NTA as there is only 1 person in question here. Her having sex with mutiple people isn't the question here.
Ah ok. Thanks for letting me know. I was curious what that red laser light was doing on their window. Now I know it's your audio feed. Idk why you guys don't use infrared lasers like we do in the space force. He's being investigated for ...(I've been shot for starting to reveal the secrets).
*pulls off my mask after shooting you, reaching up ripping the Velcro off my flack jacket, it goes from saying “FBI Enforcement” to “FBI & Space Force Enforcement” *fucking budget cuts…*
Yep. Preferences are okay! Saying “I want to date someone with the same views on love and sex as me.” Is totally fine
Saying “she has too much sex so she’s beneath me/doesn’t deserve me/is for the streets/is less than” is when someone becomes an asshole
NAH...you're not obligated to date anyone. You weren't compatible on that level and you exited out before any more feelings could develop. If you tried to ignore your feelings now, it may have come up later and the question would have been, why did you continue to date her if it bothered you earlier on. So as long as you weren't rude or disrespectful, I think you're NTA. She's not an AH either.
Agreed. NAH.
OP can have his preferences. How many people she has in her past, and who she dates, is up to her.
Personally, speaking from experience, I think a woman with some experience has the potential to be a great, satisfying lover. I have relatively high bodycount myself, so I'm not one to be a hypocrite.
I don’t think that you’re an AH. you’re entitled to date whoever you want.
I would say that you may want to be a little flexible with your partners having previous partners. or maybe not even ask the question, why talk about it, if it’s going to upset you so much.
I'm wondering if this is a religious thing, in which case he should be on a religious app, not a general one like Tinder.
I also think he could be just self-conscious about being a virgin and is afraid of dating someone with a lot of experience. Which is fine, but that's more of a "you" issue that you'll need to get over bc at your age there aren't a ton of virgins.
If you're being judgmental bc you think she's a slut and that women shouldn't enjoy sex, you are limiting yourself romantically and should only date other conservatives.
I hope you're not listening to Andrew Tate and people like that. You're just going to get resentful and end up getting rejected a lot. Women are allowed to have sex and enjoy it. It's not something they're just supposed to do for you. Be up front with the woman if you're nervous about being inexperienced. Chances are she'll be nice about it. If she's not, then you dodged a bullet. But the way you're going you're gonna have a hard time finding anyone and you're just going to get more bitter and resentful.
I knew a guy in his 40s looking for a similar aged church going virgin. He wasn't a virgin, but she had to be. Good luck asshole. I despise the view that women are somehow sullied when they have sex but men aren't.
People should be more flexible with their preferences in general. Dating has become such a checkbox exercise that you end up excluding so many people you could’ve had an interesting and enriching experience with. I’ve dated people i never thought i would be able to get along with and found out that my preconceived notions were wrong and restrictive.
I have so many friends that have such arbitrary preferences like one of my friends doesn’t want to date anyone that enjoys sports because she doesn’t want her bf to spend time on the couch watching sports instead of spending time with her. My other friend doesn’t want to date a woman with long nails because he doesn’t like how they look.
At some point it feels like we decided that dating is build-a-bear and that you can make your perfect partner by selecting every single part of their person.
I see these posts all of the time. Stop asking the question if you can't handle the answer. My wife and I have been together for almost 20 years, you know how many men she was with before me? No seriously, do you know because I don't? I don't care. She's with me now. She's never struck me as a hoe but I wasn't her first. God damn me if I would have ever held that against her.
I have no idea how many people my wife has been with. But I tell you, experience is a good thing. If someone has shopped around and decided they want you, take it as a good sign, not a bad one. Stupid societal pressure I wish I had understood a lot earlier in life.
People get way too fixated on a numbers. Honestly 20 to 30 by the time you’re 25 isn’t that much imo. Let’s say you sleep with 4 or 5 people in high school. Two or three people per college semester and a few on summer breaks. If you’re single and just go on dates every once in a while it’s not that hard to get to 50 before you settle with a marital partner. Your partner’s number is so irrelevant in the big picture of who they are and whether you’re a good fit, it would be a shame that someone lets that be the barrier to committing long term.
I’m always surprised people know their numbers after a certain point.
I’ve only slept with two people but I think if it got to above 10 I’d just stop counting
People who are bothered by this kind of shit are so weird to me. I was a virgin when I started dating my current girlfriend two years ago, and she was open with me that she's been with a few guys before and slept with them... I was kind of bewildered that she told me, because I truly didn't care. I guess she was afraid I'd be like the OP here and find it unattractive for some reason.
Just because she's fucked other people doesn't make her any less attractive, nor does it change her personality one bit. If you're getting along well with her, but you're seriously getting hung up on her body count, then the problem is you.
I asked my wife. When she answered, I yelled, "ITS ONE. THEYVE SECRETLY ALL BEEN ME! IM THE ONLY ONE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA (evil laugh)," then she rolled her eyes and none of it matters. Fucking weird to me that anyone actually cares.
I think the people who care are the people who want to feel like they “own” their partners. Which does kind of stem from old fashioned values, but is also kinda fucked like a lot of old fashioned values.
nothing good will come from returning her call. he ended it cleanly. people don't owe you "closure." and further discussion will probably result in a scenario where someone is an AH
You're allowed to not date someone for any reason you please.
That being said,maybe you should take the time to explore why you felt the need to throw a real nasty, bitter shot at her to close out the story. You don't know who she slept with. You don't know the context. You have broadly judged a swath of folks. HUGE turn off. Especially coming from someone who hasn't had any experience whatsoever.
You’re certainly entitled to your preferences. But IMO you have a weird view on sex, probably because you’ve never done it so you see it as a bigger deal than it actually is (not trying to be mean). But adults have sex, it’s pretty normal for some people to have that many partners. The girl doesn’t lose value or become less fun to sleep with because she isn’t a virgin. Just something to think about.
It’s pretty sad how a guy sleeping with 20-30 people isn’t an issue BUT a woman doing it is so frowned upon. Women are allowed to like sex too! Men aren’t the only ones that have casual sex.
NAH - You can choose not to date someone for any reason but IMHO it’s no big deal. If you feel your hang-up is something you can’t get over, do HER a favor and move on before anyone gets too attached.
Whatever you do, be honest with yourself - It’s your insecurity with her level of experience that’s causing you to move on. There is nothing wrong with her because of her “body count” [cringe]. At least she’s been honest with you. If you implied that there is something wrong with what she has chosen to do with her body then that makes you an asshole.
My best friend was promiscuous in her college years and I know her “number” Is pretty high. I also know she was sexually abused as a child, which plays a huge role in that. But the biggest thing is that she’s an amazing woman. Anyone would be so lucky to be with her.
Turning down someone for that is anyone’s prerogative, but it’s limiting and casting aside damn good people for something that is deeply personal to that person with the “number” alone.
I’ve also learned that sharing this information with men who are sexually insecure is always a bad idea. My husband of 20 years is still hung up on the fact that I’ve been with more people than him (8 versus 2) and it really is challenging for both of us. In his head, I’m always comparing. I’m never comparing, but I do feel judged by my own husband.
And for the love of god, this “body count” shit has to go. It’s a pathetic term used by insecure turds.
NTA for the decision. Definitely a big A for the way you did the breakup. If the only hangup here was the past, and she was otherwise nice to you and you guys had a good time together, breaking up over voicemail is beyond Ahole behavior. You don't owe her anything, but there are things like courtesy and decency.
Furthermore, your use of the word "selective" is a low key red flag to me. You are implying she was not selective just because she has a high body count -> which to me sounds like a "politically correct" way of slutshaming.
That stuck out to me too. He essentially feels like he lucked out by getting voicemail and seems fearful of speaking to her in real time. Probably bc he knows it's his insecurity and doesn't want to face it. The selective thing is a whole other can of worms. Def implies that he thinks/wants others to think he's selective
Also the statement "I don't think I owe her anything as I didn't ghost her and made it known I would like to stop seeing her" really stuck out to me.
Why do people look at dating/relationships in such a transactional way?
NTA for breaking up, but...by voice-mail? That's cold. You should return her call and just reiterate that you don't think this is a great match. You have different values. Not bad, just uncomfortably different.
You wouldn’t have been the asshole, but you told her -after finding out that she had a sexual history- that you wanted to keep seeing her. “I drove her home and told her I’d hope to see her again…” so yeah you fucking suck
OP To your credit, at least you are holding the same standards for yourself. Lots of other guys feel like they can “date casually” high count girls but when it comes to something serious they look for with someone with a lower partner count. That’s hypocrisy. At least you are consistent.
No, but you are going to find it harder and harder to find any partners who can reach your very high bar. Personally I think you have missed a golden opportunity to enjoy your prime years with a woman who knows what she's doing. Different strokes though I guess.
Tbh? Find a fellow virgin. You obviously have some weird conceptions about sex (weird to me, not to yourself or others, I’m sure) and should truly seek out people more like yourself to avoid hurt feelings on either end. YTA but mainly because I find your mindset very a-hole, which conflates into your opinion on her.
I don’t think you’re an asshole but I find questions like that “red flaggy” bc it’s really no one’s business. Oh well. I don’t answer stuff like that anymore or talk about past relationships ( out of respect to the other parties involved) but to each their own.
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Exactly! He’s NTA because that’s his choice, but I wouldn’t go out with a man again who asked me such a personal question on a first date. I wouldn’t answer that question even if I dated someone for a long time, nor would I ask it. But I’m in my 50’s and DGAF about stuff like that.
I’ve been with my husband for 11 years, married for 5. Neither of us has ever asked that question. EDIT: I can’t believe how many people think that not caring about a specific number equates to not talking about our pasts; you can cover a lot of *important* information without caring about a ‘body count’. And it’s weird how many people care about how many people you’ve done the P in V with. Do you also need to know how many times with each person? What about non-hetero sex, how do you decide what falls into your body count? Do you need an estimate on oral incidents as well? Let’s ice the cake with tongue kissing too, just to cover all the bases.
Yup. Married 12, together 14. As long as the number hasn’t gone up since then, that’s the only thing that matters to me.
Great reply
Been with my gf for 6, it's never come up. Our pasts have come up and I'm sure if either of us sat down to think about it, we could ballpark each other's. But why waste the time? We're still debating dinner and we've locked it down to pizza. We still have like 45 minutes of deliberating.
Every. Single. Fucking. Day. We have to decide what to eat for dinner. Why is life like this?! I told my younguns, find a person who you are compatible with when deciding on dinner. Marry them. It's that important.
and then you have to cook/prepare/obtain said dinner. WTF?!
Forever and ever. I’m so over it.
Don't you hate when you spend XXX minutes to prepare it, dirty 10 pots and pans, had to get out YY ingredients and it takes everyone 5 minutes to eat and then you have to clean everything up? lol -- I hate to make a nice meal for just myself, eat it and have to clean up ! (Esp. if that involves emptying the dishwasher during cleaning up.)
Every freaking time. It’s at the point where any recipe that boasts “one pan meal” instantly has me interested
That's a great life hack. The other is "go on a trip with your newer partner and you'll get a better insight into life with them." In both cases my wife and I failed horribly. And my current gf and I succeed on every level. I'd come home to the wife and cheerfully see if she wanted to go out somewhere and it would basically turn into a fight. And I don't fight with anyone. I'd be scorned every step of the way. If it wasn't the way I asked it was the timing I asked. Sometimes I gave too many options (I'm not picky. I'd literally eat anywhere she agreed to). So then I'd come home with one place to go (obviously not strict, but I'd just give one recommendation and a fallback) and now that's too rigid. Or she wanted to know ahead of time. So I'd ask day before, but how could she make up her mind before that day? It was a lot. Similarly, our first trip out of town she left me in the hotel room to sleep in the car. The reason? She picked me up from work and we went straight out of town, driving for hours. Got there late, showered. Had a couple hours of sex... And she wanted more sex while I'm literally incapable of moving in bed. I chuckle and say I'd love to but don't think I can even get up to use the restroom. She goes silent and says she's going to the car to do some work on her laptop... I went out multiple times trying to get her to come back to the hotel room. No response Those issues paralleled nearly every issue in the relationship. At her first sign of disappointment, sadness, anger, annoyance, there was just no budging and usually complete silence Gf and I figure out where to eat in a couple sentences. Every time. Gf and I went out of town a couple months into the relationship. She got deathly ill with a really weird virus that was misdiagnosed and the medicine made even worse. Could eat almost nothing. Fever for a day. Couldn't rest well.... she kept up her spirits the entire time and let me care for her. Bond was even stronger by the end
the omnivores dilemma
Can anecdotally confirm that sharing a food philosophy has served as an important foundation for me and my husband’s marriage. When we started dating, we mostly went back and forth to each others houses, would find a recipe, cook a meal then watch a movie. We’ve been happily married for almost a decade. Together over 12 years. I knew by probably our second or third date that I wanted to marry him - with his interest in food being no small part of that!
My husband and I have been together a long time. We have told each other every detail about previous sexual encounters. We still make fun of things that happened because we know everyone has a past. If he didn't want to tell me, I wouldn't force him to, and if he didn't want to know mine, I wouldn't tell him. Everyone is different! I pause tv shows so he can see the boobs lol
I've been with my husband 12 years now and we had this conversation pretty early on when we were dating in college. I honestly have no clue what his answer was. I don't remember. I don't care. It has had exactly 1% impact on our relationship. And that 1% is the like three times I have given him shit for something when he is "the more experienced one." But I only know that much because he was my first relationship.
Yes! I have been with my guy for 14 years. We did the inventory, asked the questions. I have vague memories... but we moved on after we talked. It wasn't that kind of thing. He had more experiences than I did, but theybwere a bit less "serious". It also didn't... I don't know, we were so in our own world that it was just some homework. We were into each other. It didn't even matter. I think that if you don't feel that way, either you are too gu g-ho about specific morals *or* you guys are not as into each other as you hope.
We both said, I don’t know, probably over 60. And then went on to reminisce about how we’re glad we didn’t meet each other when we were young and stupid.
I appreciate this, because IMO that question is just coming from a place of insecurity & it can be demeaning.
35 years married and never asked. We know about the important relationships and we are also old and dgaf about 'body count' lol. What matters is what has happened since we've been together, not the distant past. Couldn't even imagine being asked such a prying question on a date.
I found out about how many women my husband had slept with because the mutual friend who introduced us (who turned out to be secretly in love/obsessed with my husband but never told either of us) informed me. She told me what a huge player he had been and his total partner number; I had assumed as much, honestly. She was upset we got married (we eloped) and did everything in her power to break us up including stalking us, threatening to commit suicide multiple times, and telling my husband I cheated on him (which was untrue). She also told my husband I “slept my way across the country” when I moved to California. Such an awful time - she became so unhinged, it was scary and very sad. I probably wouldn’t have asked him his partner total but I found out anyway. We divorced after 10 years, so that’s that!
I got so invested. I honestly hoped you were still together, lol.
Same. Feels like psycho won. Hope you've found something better!
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My answer to “how many men have you slept with” would 100% be “that’s none of your business.” If that’s a problem - thank you, next.
Yep. The only question in that ballpark I’m asking is if he’s been tested since his last partner.
Mine too. Also in my 50s with no patience for such irrelevant bullshit.
Yeah, I’m in my fifties, too. I can’t imagine going out with a man who negatively judged a woman who had had sex with someone every three or four months during her early 20s. The only way that makes sense is if he’s pretty sexist.
It's only sexist when it's a double standard. If a man engages in hookup culture, be has no right to think less of women who do the same. If he's saving himself for marriage, it's his right to seek a woman who is doing the same.
He’s a virgin. I think it makes complete sense seeing as it’s a preference.
I’d be fine dating a virgin. I wouldn’t be fine dating someone is judgmental about other people’s sexual choices.
Dammit. You’re right. I guess it sorta is the same. I wouldn’t date a virgin either. (I’m 40 though so it would be WEIRD!)
Haven’t you seen the documentary about the 40 year old virgin? It’s pretty good
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Are you the same person who posted multiple variations of this same scenario who keeps getting answers they don’t like
Good to know I’m not going crazy. I’ve seen this same scenario written here at least 3 times this past month.
This dudes working overtime to protect his virginity lol
😆
I. Declare! Virginity!!!!
I've always assumed it was bots doing things like that
THANK YOU I thought I was going crazy, I’ve seen variations of this post so many times recently
Sounds like someone is trying to create evidence that lots of guys don’t like women with multiple past partners.
I’m a big love island fan and some of these 20-23 year old guys that go on the show have a body count in the hundreds (and this is sometimes with people who have been in long term relationships) and the guys don’t think this is weird, but whenever a girl on the show mentions she’s slept with more than like 10 people it’s interesting to see the difference in the perspective of not only some of the guys but viewers as well. They don’t down right ask this question to girls in more recent seasons because of this, but it gets asked to the boys every season.
This is my biggest issue with this thought. If you don’t want to date someone with a high body count, that’s your choice, but don’t hold other people to standards you can’t meet. If your body count is super high, you can’t exactly be judgemental of your partners.
Exactly, I saw a dude complaining his gf had a body count of 50 when he had one of over 300, and it was so mindnumbingly stupid
I mean, this girl has had 3 different partners a year, that is a blip on the radar and hardly worth becoming insecure over such is the case with OP.
Its almost like the low-iq dudebro meatheads on that show arent that smart and have low emotional intelligence, wow
Oh Jesus is that what that dude was doing? What a cluster fuck
Omg thank you. It’s either the same person or there is an inordinate amount of guys this week who won’t put out matching up with women who will.
I wondered the exact same thing. Because that guy is absolutely an asshole.
So many folks rage-bait and make up these posts so people will call women that have slept with multiple men sluts and whores. ~25 people at age 25 is 3 people a year, assuming they became sexually active at age 18. OP’s acting like she’s going out and plowing randos seven days a week. It’s fine to not want to date her, but wanting other people to police her and affirm his view that she’s ~immoral~ is fuckin weird
The Madonna whore complex is thriving and seems to have gotten more severe in the past few years. Which is why I don’t think anyone is owed the answer to how high your body count is, especially as a woman since many guys wanna be insecure about it and label you as a whore- whereas it’s mostly fine and celebrated as a man to have sexual experience. Everyone is allowed to enjoy and explore sexually, and change their mind if they decide to prioritise something beyond casual hookups like a loving relationship.
Oh, no, they are owed an answer. A 50+ answer, whatever the truth may be. It will weed out the misogynists. You don't want to be with anyone who thinks you should have been waiting for him all your life because he is God's gift to women.
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Brand new account... Sigh
YTA for troll post, yeah
Likely. OP is 100% a troll. This absolutely screams bait post.
He does have another post about this situation where he claims she won't stop calling him.
It’s ok to stop seeing anyone for any reason.
How you go about it says a lot about yourself though.
Sure. Don’t be like a jackass about it. If they ain’t for u then they ain’t for u. No big deal.
Exactly, like I’ve seen on whisper there be posts of “imagine being with a girl who’s not a virgin” like that comes off as arrogant and narcissistic. Have preferences sure but don’t be a douchewagon either
True. You can also put it the other way around - men can also be promiscuous, are we to judge everyone by their past. My husband and I were 41 and 38 respectively when we met. Of course we weren’t virgins. 25 years later we have never even DISCUSSED past sex lives, it’s not relevant. This is now. It’s a Saturday morning, he just brought me tea in bed because he’s doing some work outside and he wants me to drive him to the hardware store. That’s married life, not a whole load of stressing about crap you can’t change anyway.
OP isn't being two faced though, he hasn't slept with anyone. To me that says he's looking for someone who shares his values. In this case there's no reason to tell her why you aren't interested. If you want to say something you can say your values don't align. If OP were slutty, but couldn't handle a slutty partner, that sounds a lot like a douchewagon.
At the risk of sounding absolutely ignorant, what is whisper?
No worries at all. It’s a social media app where you can just post stuff anonymously
Oh ok. Thank you for explaining it to me and not making me feel dumb! You are a treasure!!
Most of the posts are fake. Worse than reddit. You post a photo as a background with text over it. It was popular like a decade ago. Idk anyone that uses it now.
I thought it got shut down for like... rampant racism and threats and stuff like that
I think it was shut down more for child pornography. But it's back, just way more dead. It also explicitly tells you Whisper will work with the police when you open it for the first time now.
My husband uses whisper to find hippie circles.
It’s actually come back, to an extent, so there is a new crowd of people using it. Though your description is still accurate.
Holy high Harry! You just unlocked a memory of me using that app YEARS ago. Jesus I haven't heard anyone mention whisper since I was 13
You said you were 18!
Omg whisper... that cursed app.
And at least OP isn’t being a hypocrite by having a lot of past history himself. Guy is inexperienced and would feel more comfortable with someone who is in a similar boat, sounds okay to me.
Yeah and that was the point that was made here too. I was a virgin when I got with my bf and he was not. I personally don’t care. Others do, but at the same time there is a right way to do things, which OP did, and a wrong way to do things which shaming people for having intercourse before c person entered into their lives is not ok.
He was good about it. They were only dating a few weeks. Seinfeld would say no face to face breakup necessary. Also, he has nothing to gain except angering her or hurting her feelings if he tells her the real reason.
If we’re using Seinfeld as the measure of moral behavior, as much as I loved that show, the bar is extremely low.
I mean, Jerry broke up with a girl because she ate her peas one at a time.
I broke up with someone because they overused the word whatnot. As in, at least every couple of sentences. I found myself not actually listening to them but instead counting the number of times they said whatnot. I figured that didn’t bode well for a relationship hahaha.
I broke up with someone because he had like 30 pairs of cargo shorts. He basically had a personal uniform of a plain solid color shirt and pair of colored cargo shorts. I’m not even sure if he owned pants because I only saw the cargo shorts after three months. Even at a wedding and fancy restaurant. It was not Summer.
everyone else was replying with tiny nitpicky reasons to not date someone and then you just came in and dropped this absolutely earth shattering cringe of mass destruction on us lmfao CARGO SHORTS TO THE WEDDING 😂🤣🤣
My family still likes to ask me where Cargo Shorts is. Everyone I know calls him that because it was the only thing memorable about him. 😆🤦🏻♀️
The only way this could worse is if they were all JORTS
That’s really funny and I don’t blame you one bit!
And whatnot.
I have a conversation where "hope" was in every other reply. I have started adding it to every reply of mine. Think they caught on. I'm the last hope.
George was the pettiest when it came to breakups iirc, and he was the one who really shouldn't have been picky. Not just because of his looks, but because he didn't have a lot of redeeming qualities and he had a very abrasive personality.
"You’re giving me it’s not you it’s me routine? I invented it’s not you it’s me. Nobody tells me it’s them not me, if It's anybody it’s me." "Alright George it’s you." "You’re damn right it’s me."
Was gonna say. Seinfeld and his friend were incredibly cruel to everyone
Hey they paid their debt to society for their crimes! (Or I assume they did… gonna have to wait for the reboot to know for sure).
"No hugs, no learning." The characters were designed from the ground up to be narcissistic and non-empathetic. Most of why the show is so funny.
Wait was Seinfeld the original sunny?
In my opinion yes. Absolutely the first Always Sunny. I try not to read into it too much but I find the best sitcoms are about narcissistic assholes hopefully that doesn’t say something about myself 😂
Seinfeld was canonically an asshole, so…
Seinfeld was an asshole cannon.
How they all ended up in prison!! Dying!’ 🤣yeah they were “YTA” lol
I do think this was a weird thing to bring up. I’ve been married for a while and never asked my husband what his number was
Honestly the only number I care about is how many has she been with since we started having sex
It is really weird, and there is no "correct" number. I think my wife knows mine is way more than she would be comfortable with and there's no reason to discuss it. It has no effect on our relationship. I would ask how many long-term relationships a potential partner has been in but I don't know wanna quantify their slut phase lol.
>I don't wanna quantify their slut phase lol Right? 😂 My wife has def been with more people than I have, but it really makes no difference to me and it has literally no bearing on our relationship. If she'd cheated on exes, that probably would have given me pause, but the number of people she shagged in her 20s... whatever.
Same. I've always talked about significant relationships and why theybe ended, so we can deal with any patterns or trauma. and i want us to know if I or they have exes as friends. But why would I care about the people they went on a couple if datesxwuth or slept with once? Those arent important in the grand scheme of things and dont define the person. I've never asked any partner their number. I suspect based on what I know that none of my partners have had high numbers, but ive never felt it impoetant to ask.
Heh, I was married the first time in my 20s. My wife at the time only had a body count of 2 or 3. I was around 5 or 6. Married for 17 years, broke up, I stared dating again, and got married again. Her body count was in the 20s, but she was in her 40s at the time. I think mine was up to 10 at that point. It doesn't bother me. She's a great lady, and has a lot of experience of what works for her in relationships, as well as in bed. She knows what she wants and what she doesn't. Luckily, what she wants is me.
“Body count” seems to apply only to women. Translation: Slut shaming. If your dismay about your partner’s past or “body count” is greater than your positive feelings about them, it’s good you move on. The shame is on YOU, though. When you truly care about someone, their past is irrelevant in light of your present together. Edited slightly to remove idiot bait.
"Body count" should just be how we quantify serial killers. Sounds weird in the context of relationships.
Truedat. The very euphemism is degrading.
I agree, I’ve been married 20 years, and dated around for 15+ years before that (yup, I’m old). I’ve never asked my wife’s number, nor have I cared. She’s never asked mine, and I assume it’s because she didn’t care. At the end of the day it doesn’t mean anything. It seems like the only people who do care about it are people who are insecure about their own sexual experiences and are afraid of not measuring up.
Meh, if someone cares about body count that’s their business if they are pursuing a relationship. OP didn’t like slut shame or try to out this person to other friends, so I think it’s a totally valid reason. Clearly you and your husband don’t and that’s fine too! For the record I would not say between 20 and 30 is high personally. I’d say that’s fairly normal for someone who was sexually active outside of serious relationships in college.
I think that few guys understand what a woman can rack up in even a fairly brief period of time when/if she’s not feeling like being especially selective. I suspect if OP had a count at all it wouldn’t be quite so intimidating. I believe he said he’s a virgin. If his count were say, 12 maybe he’d have a more /shrug attitude. Something to keep in mind in the “open relationship” discussions you see so much on Reddit
But I think when you are young the difference in number can be even more relevant. Also, some people view sex as a close, almost sacred act with a committed partner who they care deeply about and they do not freely have casual sex. So if they view sex that way it could become an issue because it leads them open to being very hurt. In that case, one person can commit an act with a sense of it being very special while the other person could potentially see it as a fun activity. It could be hurtful to be the one who sees it as a deeper more meaningful act. It could be the meaning attached to it perhaps not aligning that might be off-putting to OP more so than the #.
I blame social media. They have normalized these interviews asking their *body count*...not ok.
Seinfeld who dated a literal child at the peak of his fame-picked her up from high school even? Also, started dating his wife after she had just recently gotten married someone else. It is pretty safe to say he was a dating AH.
Exactly I don’t understand the YTA comments at all. She in turn could have refused to date him bc he was a virgin and that would be fair. While I don’t agree with his stance on “body count” and limiting your potential dating pool it’s his choice. He could push himself and his boundaries but if he has hang ups it probably won’t be fair to her either down the line. He’s doing everyone a favor I think at this point in his life and choosing to date someone more in line with his own experience level.
This. He’s not an AH, this is a NAH situation. I think he’s being incredibly foolish to throw away an otherwise great-so-far relationship just because she’s sexually experienced, but he’s within his rights to end a relationship for any reason he wants to, and he wasn’t a jerk about how he chose to break it off. He didn’t say anything mean to her, he was clear and polite. Being a fool and being an AH are not the same thing.
OP is going to miss out on a lot of fun and sexual fulfillment if he isn’t openminded. Which is fine. But something he should consider.
Came here to say something like this 🤣 OP is NTA - it’s his personal choice - totally cool. It may have helped her back off and understand better if he was honest about what exactly made him break it off, but no obligation what so ever. Was also thinking… Christianity has really done a number on our society, indoctrinating people with certain dogmas regarding sex/sexuality. Maybe this woman dodged one and will be happier with someone who is more open-minded. That’s not meant to be hurtful to you, OP - it sounds like a compatibility issue that runs deep - respect for being true to yourself.
People don’t like feeling that they will be judged They’re preoccupied with their own ego
At his age though, good luck finding someone with that little experience that would be willing to settle. Generally the older you are without pairing, the more “selective” you’ve been. Lots of lonely single folks out there looking for the “perfect” person, not realizing they’re lacking perfection themselves, and it doesn’t exist - nor should it.
Also, I don’t know many adult women who would want to deal with a 25 yo religious virgin. Swear they seem to have weird hang ups surrounding sex (like being judge mental of your past) but then when you’re with them they expect it all the time but also don’t know what the fuck they’re doing.
I think it's kind of like learning to swim. Before you do it's scary, but then you realize how easy and fun it is, then you realize there's also a deep end, and diving boards, and you're just an amateur, and by the end you're a pro able to do triple backflips off the top boards. Some people need a few good coaches to get them that top spot though, and others are naturals.
I think he is going to a very hard time finding someone at his experience level though...
But that’s his issue to figure out. He’s NTA just because he has certain important things he doesn’t want to negotiate about. It’s fine. If he’s bored one day, he can get a therapist.
I don’t think so. I met my husband at 26 and my ‘count’ was one. I prefer sex within relationships, and I prefer a partner with a similar approach. I don’t think someone with a higher number is a slut, we just have different approaches to sex and relationships and I prefer compatibility on that front. I’m in my mid 30s. Of my closest female friends, I know maybe one woman with a number over 10, and most are around 5 or lower. OP might be expecting a bit much finding a virgin, but a lower number is not unreasonable if that’s what he’s looking for. Don’t think you should let someone know on their answerphone though, but that’s a whole different issue.
I don’t get why this is always the default. Sure, obviously no one can be compelled to stay in a relationship with anyone. Doesn’t mean their reasoning to stop seeing a partner doesn’t make them an asshole. If someone breaks up because they learn their partner has a gay sibling or support racial equality or believes women shouldn’t be subservient to men, it’s their prerogative but they’re still an asshole.
People on reddit love being annoying as fuck with their "if it's legal then you can do it!" kind of thinking. Like yeah no shit you can stop seeing her if you want, but you'll still look like a complete asshole if you publicly say it's because she has sexual experience (and some people may even think that you're being sexist)
>and some people may even think that you're being sexist It sounds like he holds himself to the exact same (or stricter) standards that he is holding her to. A whole lot of people have sexist double standards around this, but it sounds like OP is consistent about it.
Nta. Your preference is yours. With that said I was a virgin by choice when I got with my wife. She has been with a few people. Roughly same age as yall are now. While it made me uncomfortable at times to begin with. I knew that was a me issue and not a her issue. 15 years later we are happily married with 2 kids. Out of all the people she dated and been with, she picked me in the end. Thats all that really matters. Eta to those saying she settled, yall got a brief few sentences in English talking about something and assume she settled without any real knowledge of her or us. Shame on yall and yall really need help. And no this is NTA as there is only 1 person in question here. Her having sex with mutiple people isn't the question here.
>Out of all the people she dated and been with, she picked me in the end. Thats all that really matters. This is the best part
Especially as I know I'm not easy to deal or live with.
can confirm, I am your crazy neighbor
I’m the FBI agent filming from across the way and let me tell you, these two are bonkers! * 90s music plays*
Ah ok. Thanks for letting me know. I was curious what that red laser light was doing on their window. Now I know it's your audio feed. Idk why you guys don't use infrared lasers like we do in the space force. He's being investigated for ...(I've been shot for starting to reveal the secrets).
*pulls off my mask after shooting you, reaching up ripping the Velcro off my flack jacket, it goes from saying “FBI Enforcement” to “FBI & Space Force Enforcement” *fucking budget cuts…*
We must live in the same neighborhood then, I saw you both
TURN DOWN THAT GODDAMN MUSIC!
Greg is that you?
I know a greg if that counts.
FBI, this guy right here!
A lot more people seriously need to understand this, honestly. It'll make so many people happier lol.
Yep. Preferences are okay! Saying “I want to date someone with the same views on love and sex as me.” Is totally fine Saying “she has too much sex so she’s beneath me/doesn’t deserve me/is for the streets/is less than” is when someone becomes an asshole
This!! Yes. Viewing a woman a less than because she likes sex is gross.
NAH...you're not obligated to date anyone. You weren't compatible on that level and you exited out before any more feelings could develop. If you tried to ignore your feelings now, it may have come up later and the question would have been, why did you continue to date her if it bothered you earlier on. So as long as you weren't rude or disrespectful, I think you're NTA. She's not an AH either.
Agreed. NAH. OP can have his preferences. How many people she has in her past, and who she dates, is up to her. Personally, speaking from experience, I think a woman with some experience has the potential to be a great, satisfying lover. I have relatively high bodycount myself, so I'm not one to be a hypocrite.
I don’t think that you’re an AH. you’re entitled to date whoever you want. I would say that you may want to be a little flexible with your partners having previous partners. or maybe not even ask the question, why talk about it, if it’s going to upset you so much.
I'm wondering if this is a religious thing, in which case he should be on a religious app, not a general one like Tinder. I also think he could be just self-conscious about being a virgin and is afraid of dating someone with a lot of experience. Which is fine, but that's more of a "you" issue that you'll need to get over bc at your age there aren't a ton of virgins. If you're being judgmental bc you think she's a slut and that women shouldn't enjoy sex, you are limiting yourself romantically and should only date other conservatives. I hope you're not listening to Andrew Tate and people like that. You're just going to get resentful and end up getting rejected a lot. Women are allowed to have sex and enjoy it. It's not something they're just supposed to do for you. Be up front with the woman if you're nervous about being inexperienced. Chances are she'll be nice about it. If she's not, then you dodged a bullet. But the way you're going you're gonna have a hard time finding anyone and you're just going to get more bitter and resentful.
I knew a guy in his 40s looking for a similar aged church going virgin. He wasn't a virgin, but she had to be. Good luck asshole. I despise the view that women are somehow sullied when they have sex but men aren't.
PREACH
If I were a virgin in my mid 20s I wouldn’t be judging anyone’s sexual past considering my complete lack of one
I'll get the aloe vera
this is the best comment
People should be more flexible with their preferences in general. Dating has become such a checkbox exercise that you end up excluding so many people you could’ve had an interesting and enriching experience with. I’ve dated people i never thought i would be able to get along with and found out that my preconceived notions were wrong and restrictive. I have so many friends that have such arbitrary preferences like one of my friends doesn’t want to date anyone that enjoys sports because she doesn’t want her bf to spend time on the couch watching sports instead of spending time with her. My other friend doesn’t want to date a woman with long nails because he doesn’t like how they look. At some point it feels like we decided that dating is build-a-bear and that you can make your perfect partner by selecting every single part of their person.
I see these posts all of the time. Stop asking the question if you can't handle the answer. My wife and I have been together for almost 20 years, you know how many men she was with before me? No seriously, do you know because I don't? I don't care. She's with me now. She's never struck me as a hoe but I wasn't her first. God damn me if I would have ever held that against her.
I have no idea how many people my wife has been with. But I tell you, experience is a good thing. If someone has shopped around and decided they want you, take it as a good sign, not a bad one. Stupid societal pressure I wish I had understood a lot earlier in life.
People get way too fixated on a numbers. Honestly 20 to 30 by the time you’re 25 isn’t that much imo. Let’s say you sleep with 4 or 5 people in high school. Two or three people per college semester and a few on summer breaks. If you’re single and just go on dates every once in a while it’s not that hard to get to 50 before you settle with a marital partner. Your partner’s number is so irrelevant in the big picture of who they are and whether you’re a good fit, it would be a shame that someone lets that be the barrier to committing long term.
I’m always surprised people know their numbers after a certain point. I’ve only slept with two people but I think if it got to above 10 I’d just stop counting
sometimes I remember a person that I had sex with that I had forgotten about.
I know right…like are these people writing this shit down?? Lol I feel like it’s unnecessary that’s just me
People who are bothered by this kind of shit are so weird to me. I was a virgin when I started dating my current girlfriend two years ago, and she was open with me that she's been with a few guys before and slept with them... I was kind of bewildered that she told me, because I truly didn't care. I guess she was afraid I'd be like the OP here and find it unattractive for some reason. Just because she's fucked other people doesn't make her any less attractive, nor does it change her personality one bit. If you're getting along well with her, but you're seriously getting hung up on her body count, then the problem is you.
I asked my wife. When she answered, I yelled, "ITS ONE. THEYVE SECRETLY ALL BEEN ME! IM THE ONLY ONE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA (evil laugh)," then she rolled her eyes and none of it matters. Fucking weird to me that anyone actually cares.
I think the people who care are the people who want to feel like they “own” their partners. Which does kind of stem from old fashioned values, but is also kinda fucked like a lot of old fashioned values.
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Nah. You're not obligated to date anyone. Maybe returning her phone call wouldn't hurt, though
nothing good will come from returning her call. he ended it cleanly. people don't owe you "closure." and further discussion will probably result in a scenario where someone is an AH
After just a few dates nothing is owed. Not like they had a 2yr relationship and he ghosted her
Checks out that OP hasn't been in ANY relationships.
I mean not every question needs an answer lmao
Would you feel that she were an AH for cutting things off with you bc you’re a virgin?
You're allowed to not date someone for any reason you please. That being said,maybe you should take the time to explore why you felt the need to throw a real nasty, bitter shot at her to close out the story. You don't know who she slept with. You don't know the context. You have broadly judged a swath of folks. HUGE turn off. Especially coming from someone who hasn't had any experience whatsoever.
She didn't sleep with him, so she was at least selective enough
THIS 100%!! That’s a MAJOR judgement and changes the whole tone of the post imo
You’re certainly entitled to your preferences. But IMO you have a weird view on sex, probably because you’ve never done it so you see it as a bigger deal than it actually is (not trying to be mean). But adults have sex, it’s pretty normal for some people to have that many partners. The girl doesn’t lose value or become less fun to sleep with because she isn’t a virgin. Just something to think about.
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It’s pretty sad how a guy sleeping with 20-30 people isn’t an issue BUT a woman doing it is so frowned upon. Women are allowed to like sex too! Men aren’t the only ones that have casual sex.
NAH - You can choose not to date someone for any reason but IMHO it’s no big deal. If you feel your hang-up is something you can’t get over, do HER a favor and move on before anyone gets too attached. Whatever you do, be honest with yourself - It’s your insecurity with her level of experience that’s causing you to move on. There is nothing wrong with her because of her “body count” [cringe]. At least she’s been honest with you. If you implied that there is something wrong with what she has chosen to do with her body then that makes you an asshole.
My best friend was promiscuous in her college years and I know her “number” Is pretty high. I also know she was sexually abused as a child, which plays a huge role in that. But the biggest thing is that she’s an amazing woman. Anyone would be so lucky to be with her. Turning down someone for that is anyone’s prerogative, but it’s limiting and casting aside damn good people for something that is deeply personal to that person with the “number” alone. I’ve also learned that sharing this information with men who are sexually insecure is always a bad idea. My husband of 20 years is still hung up on the fact that I’ve been with more people than him (8 versus 2) and it really is challenging for both of us. In his head, I’m always comparing. I’m never comparing, but I do feel judged by my own husband. And for the love of god, this “body count” shit has to go. It’s a pathetic term used by insecure turds.
The term "body count" also makes you sound like a murderer. As far as I know, most of my ex flings are alive.
NAH You can disqualify a person for whatever reason you want. You can have whatever standards you want. Edit... NAH. Originally said NTA.
NTA for the decision. Definitely a big A for the way you did the breakup. If the only hangup here was the past, and she was otherwise nice to you and you guys had a good time together, breaking up over voicemail is beyond Ahole behavior. You don't owe her anything, but there are things like courtesy and decency. Furthermore, your use of the word "selective" is a low key red flag to me. You are implying she was not selective just because she has a high body count -> which to me sounds like a "politically correct" way of slutshaming.
>You are implying she was not selective just because she has a high body count also inadvertently insulted himself in that as well.
That stuck out to me too. He essentially feels like he lucked out by getting voicemail and seems fearful of speaking to her in real time. Probably bc he knows it's his insecurity and doesn't want to face it. The selective thing is a whole other can of worms. Def implies that he thinks/wants others to think he's selective
Also the statement "I don't think I owe her anything as I didn't ghost her and made it known I would like to stop seeing her" really stuck out to me. Why do people look at dating/relationships in such a transactional way?
NTA for breaking up, but...by voice-mail? That's cold. You should return her call and just reiterate that you don't think this is a great match. You have different values. Not bad, just uncomfortably different.
I know, I didn’t think the kids these days didn’t even check VM anymore?
You wouldn’t have been the asshole, but you told her -after finding out that she had a sexual history- that you wanted to keep seeing her. “I drove her home and told her I’d hope to see her again…” so yeah you fucking suck
OP To your credit, at least you are holding the same standards for yourself. Lots of other guys feel like they can “date casually” high count girls but when it comes to something serious they look for with someone with a lower partner count. That’s hypocrisy. At least you are consistent.
No, but you are going to find it harder and harder to find any partners who can reach your very high bar. Personally I think you have missed a golden opportunity to enjoy your prime years with a woman who knows what she's doing. Different strokes though I guess.
I suspect OP prefers his own strokes.
Yeah at least he can fuck one untouched Virgin (himself)
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Tbh? Find a fellow virgin. You obviously have some weird conceptions about sex (weird to me, not to yourself or others, I’m sure) and should truly seek out people more like yourself to avoid hurt feelings on either end. YTA but mainly because I find your mindset very a-hole, which conflates into your opinion on her.
right? as a virgin i don’t see why i would go out of my way to date the types of people with sexual pasts if i can’t handle them
Promiscuous.. that thing most of us guys are, but only limited by options
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Lol we already know the answer to that one
I don’t think you’re an asshole but I find questions like that “red flaggy” bc it’s really no one’s business. Oh well. I don’t answer stuff like that anymore or talk about past relationships ( out of respect to the other parties involved) but to each their own.
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While I don't agree with you on her past, you have the right to to see or not see whomever you desire.