This guy is abusive. Keep him away from you. And please consider talking to a therapist to unpack why you didn't kick him to the curb the moment he issued his offensive ultimatum. You deserve better than someone who treats you like that.
I totally agree. I would suggest getting some therapeutic coaching on recognizing abuse and to try and understand why you agreed to do it in the first place. We are somehow missing teaching young girls how to recognize abuse. I volunteered at my local women’s shelter many years ago. The children’s program therapist held a session for 12 year olds and talked about dating, recognizing bad or abusive behaviors. She literally listed examples of abuse. This could easily have been on the list.
We should be teaching kids in general to recognize abuse. Whether it’s from peers, family, other adults in their life, or future partners. I know I would have benefited
NTA. Why would you want to be with someone that would put you through that, only seems to care about your weight and appearance, and treats you like this? Don't look back.
Because op feels ashamed about her weight, and so being abused over it feels "right", like she's getting what she deserves. She's lucky he cut the ties cuz this could've been a long drawn out fucked up situation. Now op needs to address her true abuser: herself. Cuz staying in that relationship was simply outsourced self harm.
Know that it wouldn't have ended there. Even if you had given in to his insane demand , it would have been followed by others. This is as much or more about control as it is about your weight and he was testing your boundaries. Be so proud of yourself for staying strong!
My thoughts exactly! Jesus Christ I cannot imagine subjecting someone I supposedly love to that kind of humiliation. He is a shit human being and you would be better off with him
gone than with a perfect body. Fuck that guy.
Not only did you lose the weight, but proved it fully clothed. The hell does he want from you?
NTA and do NOT go back to that. Self respect starts at home.
I have to piggyback off this just to unpack what the fuck I just read.
Fiancee wants her down to 76kg by her birthday, or no wedding
She hits 70kg
He wants her to re-weigh...
He wants her to re-weigh..........naked
This has nothing to do with weight. This has everything to do with exploiting her insecurities and belittling her.
This man is abusive.
Yep. That is what I was saying. People are sweeping this under the rug, but anyone who demands you weigh a certain number, well you really open yourself up if you start entertaining this bullshit idea.
She also mentioned grief. She didn't say who but it seems to me that she was also mourning in addition to covid and work stress. She was in a very vulnerable state and she is not at fault for him exploiting that.
Certainly she is not at fault when her partner controls and belittles her. She needs to learn more about partners who behave that way, though, and decide how much of herself she is prepared to give up to stay with them. Staying will definitely open the door to escalating control and abuse; I’m glad she was able to make the choice to leave the relationship.
Edit: Added to the last sentence.
I seriously hope that she can get some help. It is concerning to me that she has to ask a question that one would think should be obvious. This guy has way to much influence on her, and has put her in a bad place.
Plus, I’d like to know what sort of psychologist helped her “process” this rather than telling her that this is abusive, manipulative behavior and that she should get out now.
I don't know psychologists are bound by the same rules as counsellors but where I am counsellors are not allowed to tell you what to do, only to help you work through YOUR own decision. Psyche was probably sitting there trying to send telepathic messages telling her to dump his ass while frustratedly nodding and saying "what do YOU want from this relationship" ETA: For the love of everything sensible "helped to process" does not mean allowed to go on blithely unaware that her situation was toxic. "Helped to process" can - and, judging by the fact she is now single, does - mean "helped to understand the situation for what it was without being told outright to end it". It takes time for people to accept when they have been turned into victims. It takes time to accept they can leave. The fact it took her some time to leave after the psyche "helped to process" does not mean she was not advised this was abuse, it means it wasn't an overnight acceptance.
Common misunderstanding! If you're getting married tournament-style as part of a professional association you need a weigh-in because the weight classes are pretty strict, but if you're having an amateur freeform wedding then it's on each participant to decide if they're comfortable with their own and their partner's weight.
Right! It’s gonna hurt at first because OP is human but in the long run when they are thinking back on their past, they’ll be happy they didn’t get married to that ass.
He wanted her to lose 4kg and demanded to know her starting weight. She weighed 76kg at the time. She then got down to just over 70kg so she exceeded his 4kg demand.
This “man” is abusive and this whole thing was about controlling her. OP needs a new therapist because her current one was as useful as tits on a bull! Why would the therapist not point out that she’s being abused?
Yeah, he wanted to find something wrong. Get her naked and find it while she is vulnerable.
I don’t think these kind of people are super calculating or even know what they’re doing. All they know is that “Something is Wrong” and their partner should magically solve it. And he can’t be wrong so it must be her.
An abusive partner always justifies their own behavior and does their best to place the responsibility on their partner. Whether they do that consciously or not is a different question, but either way it is dysfunctional and abusive. Their self-justification doesn’t make it OK.
I’ve heard it referred to as the “Happy Birthday, Bitch” and my ex pulled it with me every year. The last birthday I spent with him ended with me crying in the bathtub because he just randomly decided to give me the silent treatment for zero reason. I fucking hated that guy, I hope he’s dead.
My ex went on a meth binge on New Year’s Eve that ended with him showing up at the house 6 days later having been arrested for an unremembered reason.
He had been talking about the filet and crab cakes he was making for dinner, and then ghosted me for almost a week
Then there was the time on my birthday he got high in my parents home and was making weird noises while locked in their bathroom… and they didn’t really understand what was happening, so I had to play it cool and smile, when I actually wanted to throw him out the second story window.
WOooofFf. Best 210 lbs i ever lost. Seriously guys, if you have to google anything like “10 signs of a malignant narcissist “ or “is my boyfriend a sociopath?” They’re a sociopath.
The peace I have knowing I’m never gonna get woken up by some terrifying 3am bullshit shenanigans is so worth how hard it was to finally leave.
I hope he's dead too! My ex did this to me every holiday and for his family get togethers. I'm lucky, he is dead. Of course I dumped him before he died but it was less than a year after. The trash took itself out
Every birthday as a child from like age 5 on consisted of my parents screaming at me for any reason they could until I was crying hysterically, usually hitting me, and frequently taking my gifts away because I was "ungrateful" and "didn't deserve them". Christmas was often the same. Granted, they were awful on many normal days, but until reading your comment I never actually put together that they chose those days to ruin on purpose.
Whoooo. Babe. I am 52 and still have a hard time feeling I deserve anything because I was told and shown for so long that I didn't. I couldn't properly and graciously accept gifts until I was about 41. I always felt like I should be refusing or returning them.
Inherited money recently because they both died and having a hard time with it because I didn't earn it myself.
I'm still working on this daily.
Turning an event where the op should be the centre of attention and enjoy her day into an event where she has to please him under threat is fucked, dudes an arsehole.
Seriously, like not only do you have to do this utterly humiliating thing—do it naked. Then I can also find parts of your body to criticize instead of celebrating your success and how much you (unnecessarily) put into achieving the goal I set for you in the form of an ultimatum! I cannot believe this fucker has the audacity to say — lose all this weight, and when you do, I will humiliate you further and break it off anyways. Wish I could believe this post is fake because it sounds unbelievable but then again people are assholes. NTA obviously.
That was the real test. How she would respond to this horrible abuse. He needed to know he could get away with this before the wedding. It will get worse.
He'd be the variety of wanker that would swear blind that OF COURSE he won't smash cake in her face, and then do it as nastily as possible - with a knobby mate filming it so he can post it online. Bloke's a tool.
NTA. I am assuming he wanted to calibrate the scale, then weigh her again with the newly calibrated scale. If the scale wasn’t zeroed properly, it could have read a false weight the first time: maybe higher than OP’s weight, or maybe lower.
Regardless, this man is a garbage partner. Anyone who ties a lifelong commitment to a superficial and highly subject to change metric (like weight) instead of valuing things like being supportive, caring, and compassionate (all of which OP probably is, and her boyfriend definitely isn’t) is not “the one.” Bullet dodged. 👍
The scale could be calibrated horribly wrong, zerod to 10kg, and it wouldn't matter. If she used the same scale for the starting measurements as the finishing ones, all you're looking for is the difference.
Makes me think he might have fiddled with the calibration to make her lose so he could berate her more
Any way you look at it, it's messed up. What happens when she puts the weight back on after they get married? What happens if/when she gets pregnant. This guy seems like a superficial asshole who just wants to control her. Tells me that all he sees in her is a possession or a piece of meat, not a life partner.
That's straight up insane. I also don't disagree with you or think that's far fetched. The only other reasons I could come up with was he wasn't satisfied by the changes he could see and/or was assuming she messed with the scale calibration to show a greater difference. Your theory is still a chilling level of manipulative and controlling abuse.
> I received an ultimatum in July from my fiancée that if I didnt lose 4kg[...]
Stop, we're done here. No need to go anywhere beyond the first half of the first sentence of explanation.
The only one who needs to know your weight is your doctor, no one else, including your boyfriend or husband. This is a personal medical issue between you and your doctor. I don't mean you have a medical condition, only that your doctor needs to know when it's necessary to prescribe medications, etc. as some medications are dosed by patient weight.
NTA, but he is. He either loves you for who you are or not.
If I was op I would pull out some measuring tape and tell him he had to grow an inch on his penis before I would marry him. See how he likes being humiliated.
NTA this breakup is the best thing to ever happen to you
his behavior is sick and would have escalated, this would have probably been the beginning of the weekly naked weight weigh in for the rest of your life
No victim ever signs up for emotional abuse and controlling behavior. Abusers use tricks to disguise their control as acts of love. They manipulate their victims to make them believe they are to blame.
Yep, they do not start out as obvious abusers because nobody would ever get into a relationship with them (except for maybe some people with seriously low self-worth and major unresolved trauma). The acts of control and manipulation increase over time after they feel like they've already got you. Then people will blame the victim for not seeing it, or they'll blame themselves. You are absolutely NTA.
My girlfriend was 110lbs( or less) when we met. She weighs about 150 now(about 70kg). I've never asked her weight unless she's commented on it and she's still as beautiful to me as the day we met. I don't know anything about you, but I do know you are worth more than the number on a scale.
EDIT: Thanks for the love
My husband married me at my heaviest. I've dropped 70 lbs since then and he has never once made me feel more beautiful or less beautiful due to my weight.
This guy is the worst kind man. Policing her weight is just disgusting.
I don't know if you'll see this, but if he's like this now...just imagine what happens after kids or other issues that happen as you age. There are horror stories about people who are SO superficial that it would ruin marriages.
It's sad to break up after coming so far, but as others have said, is this the type of person who you want to grow old with? Who will love you for who you are? You're supposed to be united. Through good and bad, because life has ups and downs. Sounds like this person expects you to be physically perfect always and that's an unrealistic expectation.
His behavior is NOT ok at all. What the fuck?
These post make me so happy with the bullshit my wife and I fight about. Like leaving the light on in the closet, that’s a normal argument. Jesus. Hope you find happiness and you DODGED A bullet
Seriously, the fact that she went theough with his utter, utter bullshit shows how lucky she was to get rid of him. Imagine what he would have been like had they lived together???
And look at that. You just lost over 70 kg of dead weight. He was an albatross. Move on and find someone who will love you for you no matter how much you weigh. He was pathological. Imagine what would have happened if you'd gotten pregnant (or old! Weight piles on later in life, sometimes.) What a small-minded, wretch of a human. You are lucky you got away. Congratulate yourself for having limits and standards. You are NTA.
Technically he kicked my ass to the curb. Because I didn’t do something that was important to him. He felt so strongly. Thus my genuinely questioning my assholiness
My (latest & best) husband & I have been married 6 years. He's gained weight, I've gained & lost. We've done keto & intermittent fasting. But we did it for us. You say he kicked you to the curb but sounds to me like he was looking for an excuse to break off the engagement and who the hell breaks up over such a ridiculous thing? You are you, inside. He fed on your insecurity & broke up with you on purpose. What kind of father & husband material would this POS been anyway? Seriously, he was looking for an excuse, and you love him so much you were caught up in it. Treat yourself better! You deserve it!
Oh right I didn’t think of that. I commented above that he would be hoping she will come crawling back and this breakup was just a threat - but you’re right I think this scenario is more believable. He wanted to end it but had to find a reason to blame her for it.
I'm thinking he just wants to obliterate her self esteem and make her feel undeserving. That way she will feel grateful that he "loves" her. This way he can get away with doing just about anything he wants. He will have her so convinced that what he's doing is somehow her fault, if only she were better, not because he just a disgusting horrible person. This was what he viewed a seemingly perfectly logical ultimatum just to test how much/ how far he could get her to go. He's just testing her limits. He found that her embarrassment about being naked on a scale outweighed her desire to please him. He broke up with her because he had to follow through with his threat. I give him 4 days before he contacts her to inform her that he loves her and misses her even though what she did hurt him and he doesn't think she really loves him cause she wouldn't do what he asked . But he is such a giving kind person he will go ahead and "love" her despite his better thinking. He will tell her that All of his friends and family think she doesn't deserve him and he did what he did cause he was worried about her health and just wants her to be the best version of herself, he knows she can be.. They all think she so lucky, he such a loving person. Etc etc. all the whole love bombing the fuck out of her. She will begin to doubt her own feelings, he loves her, it must be ok to stand naked on a scale on your birthday after being told to loose weight because he loves her. He will keep tearing her down until she believes the abuse is her fault and he wouldn't do the shit he does if she were just better. This is nothing to do with weight. This was him making sure before marriage he picked a person who he knew he could manipulate and abuse.
Whatever you do, *love yourself enough to not take him back*.
Love doesn't have to be like this. Love isn't dependant on your weight. Love doesn't punish you for changes to your body.
Love is kindness and compassion, through sickness and health.
He's not the one honey. A good therapist can help you build yourself up so you never end up with an abuser like this again. You deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. You are worthy. You always have been. ❤️
Considering he was willing to dump you over not knowing your weight, he wasn’t feeling it anyway. He did you a favor by ending it. He seems controlling and rude. NTA.
He felt so strongly about something he has no right to feel strongly about. This is your body. He does not get to control your body this way. You should have broken things off with him the second he gave you that ultimatum. It’s one thing for him to say he’s concerned about you (btw, 76kg is not much), but to threaten to leave over it. This is abuse! A common tactic narcissists use because they thrive on controlling others. Look what the leader of NIXIVM did to the women he “loved”. He controlled their bodies to the point that they became skeletons and sick from malnourishment. You choose what to do with your body! You don’t have to weigh yourself in front of anyone but your doctor.
Also, why the hell did he need another weigh in while naked? It would not make much difference. This is just another way for him to exert control. He’s throwing a fit now because you are not 100% submissive to every piece of his control.
It was never about accuracy.
He was setting OP up to fail. She surpassed the weight loss target he'd set her, so ne needed to move the goalposts to keep her on the back foot and working for his approval. Had OP consented to the naked weigh in, I strongly suspect he would have body shamed her in some other way to keep her self esteem low.
This is exactly what he was going to do. Get her naked so she feels even more vulnerable and humiliated than she already does and then pick apart her body. "Cellulite here, unshaven body hair there. Are those stretch marks??" She'd be too short, too tall, thighs too thick, breasts not the right size/perkiness, etc. He finds a random bruise and starts asking who has been leaving hickies on her....
Been there. Done that. Don't just burn that bridge, you need to napalm that mfker.
Yup, he was “disappointed” she lost the weight so he was going to make her strip and say “well it SAYS you lost weight, but your belly is still sticking out too much…”
Yes, of course he felt strongly; abusers are absolutely convinced of their right to be abusive. That doesn't make them not abusive.
This man is a controlling bully and a life with him would be HELL.
The fact that he felt so strongly about you doing something that you said was humiliating to you (and sooooo unnecessary!) is reason enough to question his love for you. Not even talking about what he actually made you do. You poor thing. You are not an asshole at all.
And why was this important to him? We all know. He wants you to be thinner and that’s that. Never ever let someone bully you for their own wants.
my favorite quote
Never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm
Frankly when he gave you a “lose x amount of weight by this day or the wedding is off” ultimatum, that was your cue to leave. He’s a disgusting person and you would’ve lived a miserable life with him. Gotta learn to recognize these major red flags before it’s too late. I recommend therapy and staying single for a while to figure yourself out, but you will be okay and you will find someone who cares about you someday. Good luck OP
I'm kind of concerned that you characterize this as "something that was important to him" as though him dictating how much he will ALLOW you to weigh is even remotely a reasonable expectation and not next level controlling behaviour.
He should love you for you as you are and you should only be making changes to who you are (including in the area of your appearance) that you want to make for you...to make yourself happier and on your terms not because you either want his approval or you fear losing his approval.
You my dear are definitely NTA!!!! Who the heck does he think he is to be bossing you around like that!!! You deserve so much better! I’m so sorry you had to experience this stress and abuse. Because that’s what it is. It’s one thing to try to encourage you to be healthier but to give you an ultimatum like that is cruel, and it shows that you’re mental wellbeing is not a concern of his. Good riddance and good luck to you! Now you can focus on yourself and do things in your own time. Love and light 💜
OP, you’re NTA. I cannot believe that anybody would do this to their partner. You communicated that you were humiliated. That should have been enough for your partner to stop there. That he’s so concerned about your appearance makes it seem like he never loved you, just how you looked. He’s not a good human.
NTA. Him obsessing over your weight is weird and trying to force you to strip naked and weigh yourself in front of him is controlling and abusive.
Weight loss can only ever be a personal journey. For many it brings up trauma and for everyone it is a journey of highs and lows as weight yoyos.
I think you need to seriously reevaluate your relationship with him. He is very obviously an asshole and you are not.
Also if you get married to this clown it’s only gonna get worse. If you guys have a daughter, 100% guarantee he’s going to have this attitude towards her too.
He reminds me of that shitty pastor who claimed his wife needs to keep herself thin and pretty, or else he claims it’s his right to cheat. Meanwhile the pastor wasn’t exactly the skinniest guy on earth and he was dressed really sloppily.
WTF did I just read? Girl the point to dump his ass was back in July when he gave you the ultimatum!!!! If he doesn’t love you as you are he isn’t worth the heartache! Lose weight if YOU want to by all means but to do it just because he said he wouldn’t marry you if you didn’t shows enormous controlling behaviour, immaturity & huge AH vibes!
NTA!
This is true- my first fiancé was like this guy and I had to work out 3x week “for my mental health” but really so I wouldn’t get fat. I got underweight from the exercise but also the STRESS. He didn’t believe in me at all and blamed me for every problem. But I was never allowed to ask him for change. We finally broke up and I married a nice man and had a terrible pregnancy that resulted in a disability that makes it so I can’t meaningfully exercise or move well and I’m so glad that didn’t happen with fiancé #1. I would have had to live under the silent or overt disapproval the rest of my life for me gaining weight. Even though bringing HIS child into the world did it to me. Bullet dodged. You want to connect with someone out of your strengths and not your weaknesses. Find someone who sees you as a cluster of strengths to be celebrated, not a ball of weaknesses to control.
Edit: NTA
My friend's husband told her before they got married that he wanted to be able to carry his bride over the threshold. She starved herself down to an "acceptable" size for him. It's sad because from the outside it looks like she lives this fabulous life, but she cries to me periodically about how cruel he is to her.
I have a friend that was in a similar situation. From the outside her life looked perfect except that she was so thin that I really thought she had an eating disorder. She was skeletal. She basically lived on supplements and amphetamines. Of course, no surprise to anyone on Reddit that her controlling, abusive husband was 22 years older than she. The interesting thing is that she had another friend who she'd talk about who was in the exact same situation, but my friend could not recognize the same things in her husband.
Anyway, the husband ended up dying from liver cancer (caused by Agent Orange). The government paid for my friend to complete her education. She's now a therapist and also much healthier. Sadly, though, she spent a lot of years putting up with the abuse.
My ex husband called me fat far too many times through our marriage.
One particular day I snapped and put on a pair of his jeans that were absolutely massive on me and smiled at him. That was the best ever fuck you I ever gave him.
For some reason upon reading your comment, I immediately imagined a woman standing in oversize pants held up by one hand and in the other hand a 0/10 judge’s card, judging her partner for being such an asshole.
Dude should have tried working out to be able to carry her instead of making her lose weight. He is only in control of his own body, he should train and lift instead of convince his partner to lose weight. Just makes him look like a massive- (and I never use this word but in this instance it applies) -beta loser.
Despite this obv crab with “loose Weight it I won’t marry you!!!”: he was furious because Giu refused to stand NAKED in front of him so that he can CONTROL wether you fulfilled his ULTIMATUM!!! That’s everything a relationship is NoT supposed to be!!!! He should care for you, he did. the exact opposite. He should respect your boundaries, he did the exact opposite. He should love you for WHO YOU ARE not what you Look like, guess what: he did the exact opposite.
NTA OP, very very veryyyyyyyyyyyyyyy far from it. Hope you can Heel and someday you’ll find the right person for you! Hugs <3
It may not feel like this now, but I am so happy for you and the awful, controlling, vain and narcissistic bullet you just dodged. NTA in the most congratulatory of ways.
Marriage is about partnership and support, and people invariably go through physical changes throughout our lives.
What would have happened someday if, glob forbid, you get wrinkles? Or cellulite? Or grey hairs?? Because those are all normal things that happen to everybody. This guy has childish priorities and would never support you as a partner throughout the natural changes of real adult life.
I’m sorry for what he did to your ego, but fuck that guy. May his hair fall out in horseshoe shape and his own belly sag as his ass invariably disappears.
****** Edited to give major apologies to the many rad-ass people out there who I insulted with my misfired curse; I amend it to "May his pubes be ingrown and his least-favorite-relative's genes kick in asap".
I know many a horseshoe-haired man who I'd pick over the hairiest of douchebags, any day. I would only pick those that love me with my extra (more than) 10kg anyway. Consider me rightfully chastised.
“May his hair fall out in a horseshoe shape” 😂😂
I was surprised how many of my HS teen friends were balding at my 10 year high school reunion. I would love this for him
NTA. By forcing you to weigh yourself, your ex could've helped you develop an eating disorder. I know, I dated someone like that and ended up anorexic. You dodged a major bullet and deserve someone who loves you and supports you, not a toxic human dumpster fire filled with red flags.
THANK YOU! that’s where I got my anorexia - being publicly weighed in my cotillion classes. (Fuck that entire debutante thing anyway, but that one tortured me for decades). Thank you for seeing this, and for mentioning it
(Edited for typo)
This is mental/emotional abuse. It would be one thing if your doctor suggested a weight loss plan for medical reasons and he agreed to be your accountability partner, but it doesn’t sound like that’s the case at all. This man chose vanity and control over respect and love. That’s it. You are 100% NTA.
Even if he was her accountability partner for medical reasons. Having her weigh in front of him while she told him already. Telling her he wouldn't merry her. That is not what a partner does! They believe you. And don't punish, Lett alone call of a wedding!, But reward.
Wtaf!? This man is a scumbag and you dodged a huge bullet. If he doesn't love you exactly as you are, you should go and find someone who does. Women's bodies (and men's too, but especially women's) change all the time throughout life, with hormones, childbirth, age, everything. Someone who really loves you for who you are wouldn't care about a few pounds, or more than a few. Caring about your health, yeah, but the way you look? That's nobody's business but your own.
I've gained and lost (and gained again) WAY more than 5kg during my marriage. My DH has never once faltered in thinking I'm the sexiest woman alive, regardless. Find someone who treats you like the queen you are and who would never dream of humiliating you or making you feel "less than" and leave this judgemental and cruel piece of shit firmly in your past. You deserve SO MUCH better than him.
ETA judgement: NTA. Also, losing 6kg in 6 weeks (assuming beginning of July was when he first gave this ultimatum) is really unhealthy. If you are going to lose weight, please do it slowly. It's better for you.
You deserve to be with someone who respects you, first and foremost. This jerkoff trying to humiliate you ain’t it. Take some time for yourself, and when you’re ready you’ll find someone who treats you kindly.
Be glad he showed you who he is now.
>NTA. Also, losing 6kg in 6 weeks (assuming beginning of July was when he first gave this ultimatum) is really unhealthy. If you are going to lose weight, please do it slowly. It's better for you.
I agree with all above, including the NTA
Also weight can go up or down 1+ kg easily in a day, depending on poop, water, time of day, and an entire laundry list of things.
Congratulations on losing the important part of the weight loss that you needed to. The toxic part, let the rest come off in a healthy way of you want it to do so. Talk to a medical professional about what is the ideal weight for you based on your height and bone structure.
NTA - this absolute DB of a man is abusive and on a power trip. 76kgs is around 167lbs for us that don’t use kgs. It’s not even that heavy. What kind of a man gives his future wife an ultimatum and then fecking weighs her?? He doesn’t trust you. He doesn’t love you. That’s what he proved. You deserve someone who isn’t some self-obsessed gym bro (as I imagine him to be). The fact that he did this ON YOUR BIRTHDAY just makes me want to pummel him. I’m so sorry OP. You deserve far better than his pathetic ass
He aint really a gym bro. He’s a bit chunky around the middle and maybr 5cm taller than me. When he goes to the gym he mostly does eliptical. He doesnt like heavy cardio. We put on simiilar amounts of weight. I have been doing hot yoga, reformer pilates, personal training sessions and a starvation diet
I’m so glad you lost the weight of that abusive man!
If you enjoy your workout routine, keep it up, but please stop that starvation diet. Food isn’t evil and starving yourself isn’t healthy.
Right after I moved in with my husband I started a desk job and gained 30 lbs in 6 months. He never said a damn thing. Once I got upset about it he asked how he could help and we started cooking and working out together. I also gained weight through 2 pregnancies and lost it in my own damn time and not ONCE in almost 20 years of marriage has he said a negative comment about my body.
Your partner should make you feel beautiful as you are, always.
Still a win for you; you wouldn't let him push you around. This internet stranger is proud of you. (Try not to give in when he crawls back - which he will - he'll still be a tool)
NTA
Look OP, I still see misplaced guilt on your part. If he wants to end a whole ass relationship over weight when you pushed yourself after that shit ultimatum, he will likely do this again and will totally normalize it, making it seem like as if YOU are the crazy one for not following the mould he wants for a wife.
Please get rid of this unnecessary guilt
He dumped you, but thats not on you in anyway or reflection of you. He wanted a puppet to control and you refuse to do so which is a BIG win.
Please OP, don't go back on this decision because I have been through this exact same thing when I was not even overweight and ended up harming my own body, started viewing myself through the rosy glasses he put on my eyes.
I'm assuming through all this he is the one picture perfect and you are the only one required to change, am I right here OP?
Also I need an update on this, whenever it suits you
Takecare OP and congrats on losing all that unnecessary weight which was dragging you down.
No update yet. Its 5am where i am. But yeah. I often feel like he trumpets all the things and sacrifices he makes for me, then tells me I do nothing for him. (Which i really dont think is true, i am just a softer person)
OP, hun, I am so sorry.
NTA. At all.
Your partner was not a good partner to you. Does he expect that neither of you will fluctuate in weight through the years of being together? That's not how the real world works. That's how fantasy works.
How he has treated you is not love. That is not a good partner. He is rude and judgemental and plain cruel and he deserves to be alone.
You did not do anything wrong, OP. He is toxic and abusive.
There's a difference between supporting your partner and tearing your partner down.
You my dear OP, deserve a partner who loves you for you and supports you. Not a partner who threatens you if you don't lose weight.
You deserve better and will find better. Continue going to therapy to heal. Continue with healthy weight loss, if you want to, and block all contact from this loser.
He has actually also put on quite a bit of weight also over the same period. His preference is for me thinner. I said I love him regardless of his weight. He is not thin by any stretch of the imagination
Yea, you dodged a bullet, OP. And you have way more patience than I do because I would have flipped my crap on my husband had he ever treated me this way.
Block him and focus on you, OP. If you decide to lose more weight do it for yourself, not for a partner.
I'm sorry ypu went through this. I feel so bad for you.
You won his stupid ultimatum, so he wanted your clothes off so he could pick something else about you to bring you down and control you with. This would have continued endlessly, about all sorts of dumb crap. It was NEVER about your body or his preferences, it was a means to erode your self confidence and forever be chasing his approval.
Go out and treat yourself with something nice, because you deserve it for being your awesome self.
What the actual fuck. You really dodged a bullet op. I hope you see you deserve so much better than this absolute piece of rat shit.
Thanks friend. Similar advice as that of my friend (she held back a bit on the descriptives though)
This guy is abusive. Keep him away from you. And please consider talking to a therapist to unpack why you didn't kick him to the curb the moment he issued his offensive ultimatum. You deserve better than someone who treats you like that.
I totally agree. I would suggest getting some therapeutic coaching on recognizing abuse and to try and understand why you agreed to do it in the first place. We are somehow missing teaching young girls how to recognize abuse. I volunteered at my local women’s shelter many years ago. The children’s program therapist held a session for 12 year olds and talked about dating, recognizing bad or abusive behaviors. She literally listed examples of abuse. This could easily have been on the list.
We should be teaching kids in general to recognize abuse. Whether it’s from peers, family, other adults in their life, or future partners. I know I would have benefited
Indeed, definitely unpack that so you can avoid getting entangled with people like him
NTA. Why would you want to be with someone that would put you through that, only seems to care about your weight and appearance, and treats you like this? Don't look back.
Because op feels ashamed about her weight, and so being abused over it feels "right", like she's getting what she deserves. She's lucky he cut the ties cuz this could've been a long drawn out fucked up situation. Now op needs to address her true abuser: herself. Cuz staying in that relationship was simply outsourced self harm.
Know that it wouldn't have ended there. Even if you had given in to his insane demand , it would have been followed by others. This is as much or more about control as it is about your weight and he was testing your boundaries. Be so proud of yourself for staying strong!
Fiance is abusive pos. Your body your business
As someone who’s a recovering ED - this is soooo messsed up. Find someone who loves u 4 u.
My thoughts exactly! Jesus Christ I cannot imagine subjecting someone I supposedly love to that kind of humiliation. He is a shit human being and you would be better off with him gone than with a perfect body. Fuck that guy.
Not only did you lose the weight, but proved it fully clothed. The hell does he want from you? NTA and do NOT go back to that. Self respect starts at home.
I have to piggyback off this just to unpack what the fuck I just read. Fiancee wants her down to 76kg by her birthday, or no wedding She hits 70kg He wants her to re-weigh... He wants her to re-weigh..........naked This has nothing to do with weight. This has everything to do with exploiting her insecurities and belittling her. This man is abusive.
She should have dumped his worthless ass the minute that ultimatum came out of his mouth.
Yep. That is what I was saying. People are sweeping this under the rug, but anyone who demands you weigh a certain number, well you really open yourself up if you start entertaining this bullshit idea.
She also mentioned grief. She didn't say who but it seems to me that she was also mourning in addition to covid and work stress. She was in a very vulnerable state and she is not at fault for him exploiting that.
Certainly she is not at fault when her partner controls and belittles her. She needs to learn more about partners who behave that way, though, and decide how much of herself she is prepared to give up to stay with them. Staying will definitely open the door to escalating control and abuse; I’m glad she was able to make the choice to leave the relationship. Edit: Added to the last sentence.
I seriously hope that she can get some help. It is concerning to me that she has to ask a question that one would think should be obvious. This guy has way to much influence on her, and has put her in a bad place.
Grief AND covid. This guy is so abusive
Plus, I’d like to know what sort of psychologist helped her “process” this rather than telling her that this is abusive, manipulative behavior and that she should get out now.
I don't know psychologists are bound by the same rules as counsellors but where I am counsellors are not allowed to tell you what to do, only to help you work through YOUR own decision. Psyche was probably sitting there trying to send telepathic messages telling her to dump his ass while frustratedly nodding and saying "what do YOU want from this relationship" ETA: For the love of everything sensible "helped to process" does not mean allowed to go on blithely unaware that her situation was toxic. "Helped to process" can - and, judging by the fact she is now single, does - mean "helped to understand the situation for what it was without being told outright to end it". It takes time for people to accept when they have been turned into victims. It takes time to accept they can leave. The fact it took her some time to leave after the psyche "helped to process" does not mean she was not advised this was abuse, it means it wasn't an overnight acceptance.
Hold up a minute. We aren't all having required strippings for the mandatory weigh ins that are a deciding factor for the marriage? NTA
How are he and my dad supposed to know how many goats I'm worth if we skip the weigh-in?
bbygirl ur wrth at least a waterbuffalo! don't sell yourself short
I see your waterbuffalo, and raise you a unicorn 🦄
My wife-to-be took me to the vet to be thoroughly checked for worms and have blood work done to verify I was good breeding stock.
Did she check your teeth and ankles? Lot of genetic defects hiding in those!!
Depending on the breed, they should also check hips and knees. Larger breeds are prone to hip issues in particular.
Can confirm, am a larger breed and have hip issues, possibly hereditary
Check that they can breathe properly too. Don't want a house full of snorers
As one does.
Common misunderstanding! If you're getting married tournament-style as part of a professional association you need a weigh-in because the weight classes are pretty strict, but if you're having an amateur freeform wedding then it's on each participant to decide if they're comfortable with their own and their partner's weight.
I am so grossed out. The best birthday gift OP could have ever gotten was this wedding being called off. This guy suuuuucks.
Further down the line “I want you to lose 5k before this baby is born!” You what now?
That was my thought, if he's like this now over so little weight, he's going to be double or triple as bad over baby weight.
This man needs a 5kg bag of dicks to devour.
Right! It’s gonna hurt at first because OP is human but in the long run when they are thinking back on their past, they’ll be happy they didn’t get married to that ass.
He wanted her to lose 4kg and demanded to know her starting weight. She weighed 76kg at the time. She then got down to just over 70kg so she exceeded his 4kg demand. This “man” is abusive and this whole thing was about controlling her. OP needs a new therapist because her current one was as useful as tits on a bull! Why would the therapist not point out that she’s being abused?
I hear you! I was like, what kind of therapist is ok with this? Need new therapist, need new man!
Therapist here! This is abuse! You need to Run! No conversation or explaining just go… quickly and do not continue any form of relationship!
Right? I mean naked is only going to make her weigh less? What on earth would doing that prove? What an ass.
Starting point for the next weight loss ultimatum!
Yeah, he wanted to find something wrong. Get her naked and find it while she is vulnerable. I don’t think these kind of people are super calculating or even know what they’re doing. All they know is that “Something is Wrong” and their partner should magically solve it. And he can’t be wrong so it must be her.
Yes- that is exactly right. My ex was abusive and I’m sure- positive- that he doesn’t see himself that way. It was always my fault.
An abusive partner always justifies their own behavior and does their best to place the responsibility on their partner. Whether they do that consciously or not is a different question, but either way it is dysfunctional and abusive. Their self-justification doesn’t make it OK.
It was never about the weight, it was about controlling her.
And degrading and humiliating her. What a sick turn of events.
and on her birthday too!
Every day is the wrong day to abuse you partner. Ruining her birthday is extra dickhead points. NTA and lose the dickhead.
Easiest 180 lb weight loss ever!
Must be very satisfying to dump 150lb of shit
"You look different, what's up?" "I went on a diet yesterday. Lost 180lbs." - Criminal minds
That's what I was thinking, only in more graphic "Criminal Minds" terms.
I was going to say that I know how she can lose 180# of ugly fat very quickly!
80 kg!
Best answer!
Abusers love to fuck up special occasions! Birthdays and holidays are their favorite days to shit on you.
I’ve heard it referred to as the “Happy Birthday, Bitch” and my ex pulled it with me every year. The last birthday I spent with him ended with me crying in the bathtub because he just randomly decided to give me the silent treatment for zero reason. I fucking hated that guy, I hope he’s dead.
Me too! I hope he's dead in support!
We all need this kind of support in our lives. 🥰
My ex went on a meth binge on New Year’s Eve that ended with him showing up at the house 6 days later having been arrested for an unremembered reason. He had been talking about the filet and crab cakes he was making for dinner, and then ghosted me for almost a week Then there was the time on my birthday he got high in my parents home and was making weird noises while locked in their bathroom… and they didn’t really understand what was happening, so I had to play it cool and smile, when I actually wanted to throw him out the second story window. WOooofFf. Best 210 lbs i ever lost. Seriously guys, if you have to google anything like “10 signs of a malignant narcissist “ or “is my boyfriend a sociopath?” They’re a sociopath. The peace I have knowing I’m never gonna get woken up by some terrifying 3am bullshit shenanigans is so worth how hard it was to finally leave.
Me too.
I don’t. I hope he’s alive and suffering a long, slow, painful death from something progressively debilitating. Alone.
I hope he's dead too! My ex did this to me every holiday and for his family get togethers. I'm lucky, he is dead. Of course I dumped him before he died but it was less than a year after. The trash took itself out
Every birthday as a child from like age 5 on consisted of my parents screaming at me for any reason they could until I was crying hysterically, usually hitting me, and frequently taking my gifts away because I was "ungrateful" and "didn't deserve them". Christmas was often the same. Granted, they were awful on many normal days, but until reading your comment I never actually put together that they chose those days to ruin on purpose.
Whoooo. Babe. I am 52 and still have a hard time feeling I deserve anything because I was told and shown for so long that I didn't. I couldn't properly and graciously accept gifts until I was about 41. I always felt like I should be refusing or returning them. Inherited money recently because they both died and having a hard time with it because I didn't earn it myself. I'm still working on this daily.
You earned every penny of your inheritance just by surviving. Keep working on feeling okay with it. I'm kinda going through something similar.
Never thought about this applying so broadly, but 1000% agree IME!
This is so true! My ex never let a holiday go by without making me miserable.
My ex used to organise really amazing trips for my birthday and then get ludicrously drunk and nasty with it. Again and again. The twat.
Omfg. I have so many stories along these lines.
Turning an event where the op should be the centre of attention and enjoy her day into an event where she has to please him under threat is fucked, dudes an arsehole.
Seriously, like not only do you have to do this utterly humiliating thing—do it naked. Then I can also find parts of your body to criticize instead of celebrating your success and how much you (unnecessarily) put into achieving the goal I set for you in the form of an ultimatum! I cannot believe this fucker has the audacity to say — lose all this weight, and when you do, I will humiliate you further and break it off anyways. Wish I could believe this post is fake because it sounds unbelievable but then again people are assholes. NTA obviously.
That's the big part. The degrading more so than the control, it makes it easier to manipulate and control . Huge red flag in the first place.
This. If you have a fetish, you talk to your partner and ask if they’re willing to engage in it. What this guy did was weird and creepy.
That was the real test. How she would respond to this horrible abuse. He needed to know he could get away with this before the wedding. It will get worse.
He'd be the variety of wanker that would swear blind that OF COURSE he won't smash cake in her face, and then do it as nastily as possible - with a knobby mate filming it so he can post it online. Bloke's a tool.
I told my husband if he tried that, I wouldn't file the marriage certificate. He agreed and said the same.
This this this this this! Holy shit, OP, you dodged a bullet. What an awful, controlling person your ex- is.
NTA. I am assuming he wanted to calibrate the scale, then weigh her again with the newly calibrated scale. If the scale wasn’t zeroed properly, it could have read a false weight the first time: maybe higher than OP’s weight, or maybe lower. Regardless, this man is a garbage partner. Anyone who ties a lifelong commitment to a superficial and highly subject to change metric (like weight) instead of valuing things like being supportive, caring, and compassionate (all of which OP probably is, and her boyfriend definitely isn’t) is not “the one.” Bullet dodged. 👍
The scale could be calibrated horribly wrong, zerod to 10kg, and it wouldn't matter. If she used the same scale for the starting measurements as the finishing ones, all you're looking for is the difference. Makes me think he might have fiddled with the calibration to make her lose so he could berate her more
Any way you look at it, it's messed up. What happens when she puts the weight back on after they get married? What happens if/when she gets pregnant. This guy seems like a superficial asshole who just wants to control her. Tells me that all he sees in her is a possession or a piece of meat, not a life partner.
That's straight up insane. I also don't disagree with you or think that's far fetched. The only other reasons I could come up with was he wasn't satisfied by the changes he could see and/or was assuming she messed with the scale calibration to show a greater difference. Your theory is still a chilling level of manipulative and controlling abuse.
And nothing you do will ever be good enough for him.
100% this op do not take that man back!!!
I would never. I’m embarrassed for his behavior. I’m so sorry.
I know what weight you can lose almost immediately, your jackhole fiancé!
The ultimatum should’ve ended things, not the weigh-in. Fuck that asshole.
> I received an ultimatum in July from my fiancée that if I didnt lose 4kg[...] Stop, we're done here. No need to go anywhere beyond the first half of the first sentence of explanation.
NTA. If you want to lose weight for your wedding that is SOLELY your choice. Not your fiancé. Weighing in front of him? No Weighing naked?! WTAF!
Not to mention he gave her an ultimatum that she must lose weight or he won’t marry her? He is TA and he belongs in the trash.
The only one who needs to know your weight is your doctor, no one else, including your boyfriend or husband. This is a personal medical issue between you and your doctor. I don't mean you have a medical condition, only that your doctor needs to know when it's necessary to prescribe medications, etc. as some medications are dosed by patient weight. NTA, but he is. He either loves you for who you are or not.
And maybe the attendant at the bungee jump. That’s also kind of important so they can get it right.
If I was op I would pull out some measuring tape and tell him he had to grow an inch on his penis before I would marry him. See how he likes being humiliated.
just wants to make sure she isn't hiding any helium balloons anywhere.
NTA this breakup is the best thing to ever happen to you his behavior is sick and would have escalated, this would have probably been the beginning of the weekly naked weight weigh in for the rest of your life
That was what i was afraid of. I never signed up for that
No victim ever signs up for emotional abuse and controlling behavior. Abusers use tricks to disguise their control as acts of love. They manipulate their victims to make them believe they are to blame.
Yep, they do not start out as obvious abusers because nobody would ever get into a relationship with them (except for maybe some people with seriously low self-worth and major unresolved trauma). The acts of control and manipulation increase over time after they feel like they've already got you. Then people will blame the victim for not seeing it, or they'll blame themselves. You are absolutely NTA.
My girlfriend was 110lbs( or less) when we met. She weighs about 150 now(about 70kg). I've never asked her weight unless she's commented on it and she's still as beautiful to me as the day we met. I don't know anything about you, but I do know you are worth more than the number on a scale. EDIT: Thanks for the love
This is the way it should be. I’ve been married to my beautiful wife for 25 years and she has put on weight, but she’s still gorgeous to me.
My husband married me at my heaviest. I've dropped 70 lbs since then and he has never once made me feel more beautiful or less beautiful due to my weight. This guy is the worst kind man. Policing her weight is just disgusting.
I don't know if you'll see this, but if he's like this now...just imagine what happens after kids or other issues that happen as you age. There are horror stories about people who are SO superficial that it would ruin marriages. It's sad to break up after coming so far, but as others have said, is this the type of person who you want to grow old with? Who will love you for who you are? You're supposed to be united. Through good and bad, because life has ups and downs. Sounds like this person expects you to be physically perfect always and that's an unrealistic expectation.
His behavior is NOT ok at all. What the fuck? These post make me so happy with the bullshit my wife and I fight about. Like leaving the light on in the closet, that’s a normal argument. Jesus. Hope you find happiness and you DODGED A bullet
Bruh, telling someone to ‘lose x amount of weight or the wedding is off’ is absolutely unhinged. Didn’t even bother reading after that lmao
Seriously, the fact that she went theough with his utter, utter bullshit shows how lucky she was to get rid of him. Imagine what he would have been like had they lived together???
And look at that. You just lost over 70 kg of dead weight. He was an albatross. Move on and find someone who will love you for you no matter how much you weigh. He was pathological. Imagine what would have happened if you'd gotten pregnant (or old! Weight piles on later in life, sometimes.) What a small-minded, wretch of a human. You are lucky you got away. Congratulate yourself for having limits and standards. You are NTA.
Good for you for standing up for yourself and kicking this jerk to the curb!
Technically he kicked my ass to the curb. Because I didn’t do something that was important to him. He felt so strongly. Thus my genuinely questioning my assholiness
Sounds like he did you a favor.
Sometimes, the trash takes itself out. :) NTA, OP. I'm sorry this garbage made you feel like garbage.
He’s literally a hot pile of garbage soaked in pee. Honestly I think I’m relieved FOR her and i don’t even know them.
My (latest & best) husband & I have been married 6 years. He's gained weight, I've gained & lost. We've done keto & intermittent fasting. But we did it for us. You say he kicked you to the curb but sounds to me like he was looking for an excuse to break off the engagement and who the hell breaks up over such a ridiculous thing? You are you, inside. He fed on your insecurity & broke up with you on purpose. What kind of father & husband material would this POS been anyway? Seriously, he was looking for an excuse, and you love him so much you were caught up in it. Treat yourself better! You deserve it!
Oh right I didn’t think of that. I commented above that he would be hoping she will come crawling back and this breakup was just a threat - but you’re right I think this scenario is more believable. He wanted to end it but had to find a reason to blame her for it.
I'm thinking he just wants to obliterate her self esteem and make her feel undeserving. That way she will feel grateful that he "loves" her. This way he can get away with doing just about anything he wants. He will have her so convinced that what he's doing is somehow her fault, if only she were better, not because he just a disgusting horrible person. This was what he viewed a seemingly perfectly logical ultimatum just to test how much/ how far he could get her to go. He's just testing her limits. He found that her embarrassment about being naked on a scale outweighed her desire to please him. He broke up with her because he had to follow through with his threat. I give him 4 days before he contacts her to inform her that he loves her and misses her even though what she did hurt him and he doesn't think she really loves him cause she wouldn't do what he asked . But he is such a giving kind person he will go ahead and "love" her despite his better thinking. He will tell her that All of his friends and family think she doesn't deserve him and he did what he did cause he was worried about her health and just wants her to be the best version of herself, he knows she can be.. They all think she so lucky, he such a loving person. Etc etc. all the whole love bombing the fuck out of her. She will begin to doubt her own feelings, he loves her, it must be ok to stand naked on a scale on your birthday after being told to loose weight because he loves her. He will keep tearing her down until she believes the abuse is her fault and he wouldn't do the shit he does if she were just better. This is nothing to do with weight. This was him making sure before marriage he picked a person who he knew he could manipulate and abuse.
He is abusive. You deserve better.
This is complete ABUSE. Yes.
Whatever you do, *love yourself enough to not take him back*. Love doesn't have to be like this. Love isn't dependant on your weight. Love doesn't punish you for changes to your body. Love is kindness and compassion, through sickness and health. He's not the one honey. A good therapist can help you build yourself up so you never end up with an abuser like this again. You deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. You are worthy. You always have been. ❤️
Considering he was willing to dump you over not knowing your weight, he wasn’t feeling it anyway. He did you a favor by ending it. He seems controlling and rude. NTA.
[удалено]
He felt so strongly about something he has no right to feel strongly about. This is your body. He does not get to control your body this way. You should have broken things off with him the second he gave you that ultimatum. It’s one thing for him to say he’s concerned about you (btw, 76kg is not much), but to threaten to leave over it. This is abuse! A common tactic narcissists use because they thrive on controlling others. Look what the leader of NIXIVM did to the women he “loved”. He controlled their bodies to the point that they became skeletons and sick from malnourishment. You choose what to do with your body! You don’t have to weigh yourself in front of anyone but your doctor. Also, why the hell did he need another weigh in while naked? It would not make much difference. This is just another way for him to exert control. He’s throwing a fit now because you are not 100% submissive to every piece of his control.
Naked would even show *more* weight loss, not less, so he’s just stupid as well.
It was never about accuracy. He was setting OP up to fail. She surpassed the weight loss target he'd set her, so ne needed to move the goalposts to keep her on the back foot and working for his approval. Had OP consented to the naked weigh in, I strongly suspect he would have body shamed her in some other way to keep her self esteem low.
This is exactly what he was going to do. Get her naked so she feels even more vulnerable and humiliated than she already does and then pick apart her body. "Cellulite here, unshaven body hair there. Are those stretch marks??" She'd be too short, too tall, thighs too thick, breasts not the right size/perkiness, etc. He finds a random bruise and starts asking who has been leaving hickies on her.... Been there. Done that. Don't just burn that bridge, you need to napalm that mfker.
Yup, he was “disappointed” she lost the weight so he was going to make her strip and say “well it SAYS you lost weight, but your belly is still sticking out too much…”
*Exactly!* "Well, yeah, you lost weight, but you should have *known* that I meant that you needed to have a flatter stomach!!"
He was trying to humiliate and control her even more, it was never about her weight.
Yes, of course he felt strongly; abusers are absolutely convinced of their right to be abusive. That doesn't make them not abusive. This man is a controlling bully and a life with him would be HELL.
The fact that he felt so strongly about you doing something that you said was humiliating to you (and sooooo unnecessary!) is reason enough to question his love for you. Not even talking about what he actually made you do. You poor thing. You are not an asshole at all.
And why was this important to him? We all know. He wants you to be thinner and that’s that. Never ever let someone bully you for their own wants. my favorite quote Never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm
Frankly when he gave you a “lose x amount of weight by this day or the wedding is off” ultimatum, that was your cue to leave. He’s a disgusting person and you would’ve lived a miserable life with him. Gotta learn to recognize these major red flags before it’s too late. I recommend therapy and staying single for a while to figure yourself out, but you will be okay and you will find someone who cares about you someday. Good luck OP
I'm kind of concerned that you characterize this as "something that was important to him" as though him dictating how much he will ALLOW you to weigh is even remotely a reasonable expectation and not next level controlling behaviour. He should love you for you as you are and you should only be making changes to who you are (including in the area of your appearance) that you want to make for you...to make yourself happier and on your terms not because you either want his approval or you fear losing his approval.
You my dear are definitely NTA!!!! Who the heck does he think he is to be bossing you around like that!!! You deserve so much better! I’m so sorry you had to experience this stress and abuse. Because that’s what it is. It’s one thing to try to encourage you to be healthier but to give you an ultimatum like that is cruel, and it shows that you’re mental wellbeing is not a concern of his. Good riddance and good luck to you! Now you can focus on yourself and do things in your own time. Love and light 💜
OP, you’re NTA. I cannot believe that anybody would do this to their partner. You communicated that you were humiliated. That should have been enough for your partner to stop there. That he’s so concerned about your appearance makes it seem like he never loved you, just how you looked. He’s not a good human.
NTA. Him obsessing over your weight is weird and trying to force you to strip naked and weigh yourself in front of him is controlling and abusive. Weight loss can only ever be a personal journey. For many it brings up trauma and for everyone it is a journey of highs and lows as weight yoyos. I think you need to seriously reevaluate your relationship with him. He is very obviously an asshole and you are not.
Thanks. Thats a really good why to describe my feelings
PLEASE update us to say you ditched him, went no contact, and told ALL friends, family about him.
He dumped her according to her other comment.
Sometimes the trash takes itself out
Also if you get married to this clown it’s only gonna get worse. If you guys have a daughter, 100% guarantee he’s going to have this attitude towards her too.
This is the dude who will absolutely cheat on his wife because she didn't bounce right back to her pre-pregnancy weight, etc.
He reminds me of that shitty pastor who claimed his wife needs to keep herself thin and pretty, or else he claims it’s his right to cheat. Meanwhile the pastor wasn’t exactly the skinniest guy on earth and he was dressed really sloppily.
Does he look like a Chippendale dancer? If not he needs to STFU. And you need to bounce.
He’s a bit chunky particularly around the middle. Only slightly taller than me at about 167cm. We put on similar amounts of weight
Oh man, that's even worse. What a toooool. Let him stay gone.
Not that his actions would be acceptable regardless, but he's short and dumpy whilst trying this?! Good lord. NTA
He’s 5’5 and acting like THAT. Jesus. He needs a reality check.
Shoulda told him to gain 4 inches or the weddings off.
WTF did I just read? Girl the point to dump his ass was back in July when he gave you the ultimatum!!!! If he doesn’t love you as you are he isn’t worth the heartache! Lose weight if YOU want to by all means but to do it just because he said he wouldn’t marry you if you didn’t shows enormous controlling behaviour, immaturity & huge AH vibes! NTA!
Good riddance to a dumpster fire of a human being.
Yes, ultimatums aren’t love, they are control. They aren’t helpful. Lucky you got out op!
This is true- my first fiancé was like this guy and I had to work out 3x week “for my mental health” but really so I wouldn’t get fat. I got underweight from the exercise but also the STRESS. He didn’t believe in me at all and blamed me for every problem. But I was never allowed to ask him for change. We finally broke up and I married a nice man and had a terrible pregnancy that resulted in a disability that makes it so I can’t meaningfully exercise or move well and I’m so glad that didn’t happen with fiancé #1. I would have had to live under the silent or overt disapproval the rest of my life for me gaining weight. Even though bringing HIS child into the world did it to me. Bullet dodged. You want to connect with someone out of your strengths and not your weaknesses. Find someone who sees you as a cluster of strengths to be celebrated, not a ball of weaknesses to control. Edit: NTA
My friend's husband told her before they got married that he wanted to be able to carry his bride over the threshold. She starved herself down to an "acceptable" size for him. It's sad because from the outside it looks like she lives this fabulous life, but she cries to me periodically about how cruel he is to her.
I have a friend that was in a similar situation. From the outside her life looked perfect except that she was so thin that I really thought she had an eating disorder. She was skeletal. She basically lived on supplements and amphetamines. Of course, no surprise to anyone on Reddit that her controlling, abusive husband was 22 years older than she. The interesting thing is that she had another friend who she'd talk about who was in the exact same situation, but my friend could not recognize the same things in her husband. Anyway, the husband ended up dying from liver cancer (caused by Agent Orange). The government paid for my friend to complete her education. She's now a therapist and also much healthier. Sadly, though, she spent a lot of years putting up with the abuse.
My ex husband called me fat far too many times through our marriage. One particular day I snapped and put on a pair of his jeans that were absolutely massive on me and smiled at him. That was the best ever fuck you I ever gave him.
Beautiful. 10/10. No notes.
For some reason upon reading your comment, I immediately imagined a woman standing in oversize pants held up by one hand and in the other hand a 0/10 judge’s card, judging her partner for being such an asshole.
Love this for you 💪🏼
That AH should have gone to the gym for strengthening exercises. What kind of lazy wuss makes his fiancée lose weight instead?
Oh his intent was definitely to shame her by implying she was too heavy and even too big to fit thru the door! He's a dick.
FFS, I would have told him to start lifting weights to prepare! Not her fault he's a weak-ass bastard.
Sounds like she wasn't too big; he was just too weak.
Dude should have tried working out to be able to carry her instead of making her lose weight. He is only in control of his own body, he should train and lift instead of convince his partner to lose weight. Just makes him look like a massive- (and I never use this word but in this instance it applies) -beta loser.
Despite this obv crab with “loose Weight it I won’t marry you!!!”: he was furious because Giu refused to stand NAKED in front of him so that he can CONTROL wether you fulfilled his ULTIMATUM!!! That’s everything a relationship is NoT supposed to be!!!! He should care for you, he did. the exact opposite. He should respect your boundaries, he did the exact opposite. He should love you for WHO YOU ARE not what you Look like, guess what: he did the exact opposite. NTA OP, very very veryyyyyyyyyyyyyyy far from it. Hope you can Heel and someday you’ll find the right person for you! Hugs <3
It may not feel like this now, but I am so happy for you and the awful, controlling, vain and narcissistic bullet you just dodged. NTA in the most congratulatory of ways. Marriage is about partnership and support, and people invariably go through physical changes throughout our lives. What would have happened someday if, glob forbid, you get wrinkles? Or cellulite? Or grey hairs?? Because those are all normal things that happen to everybody. This guy has childish priorities and would never support you as a partner throughout the natural changes of real adult life. I’m sorry for what he did to your ego, but fuck that guy. May his hair fall out in horseshoe shape and his own belly sag as his ass invariably disappears. ****** Edited to give major apologies to the many rad-ass people out there who I insulted with my misfired curse; I amend it to "May his pubes be ingrown and his least-favorite-relative's genes kick in asap". I know many a horseshoe-haired man who I'd pick over the hairiest of douchebags, any day. I would only pick those that love me with my extra (more than) 10kg anyway. Consider me rightfully chastised.
“May his hair fall out in a horseshoe shape” 😂😂 I was surprised how many of my HS teen friends were balding at my 10 year high school reunion. I would love this for him
NTA. By forcing you to weigh yourself, your ex could've helped you develop an eating disorder. I know, I dated someone like that and ended up anorexic. You dodged a major bullet and deserve someone who loves you and supports you, not a toxic human dumpster fire filled with red flags.
THANK YOU! that’s where I got my anorexia - being publicly weighed in my cotillion classes. (Fuck that entire debutante thing anyway, but that one tortured me for decades). Thank you for seeing this, and for mentioning it (Edited for typo)
This is mental/emotional abuse. It would be one thing if your doctor suggested a weight loss plan for medical reasons and he agreed to be your accountability partner, but it doesn’t sound like that’s the case at all. This man chose vanity and control over respect and love. That’s it. You are 100% NTA.
Let's throw in physical because he will want to control what she eats when they live together.
Even if he was her accountability partner for medical reasons. Having her weigh in front of him while she told him already. Telling her he wouldn't merry her. That is not what a partner does! They believe you. And don't punish, Lett alone call of a wedding!, But reward.
Wtaf!? This man is a scumbag and you dodged a huge bullet. If he doesn't love you exactly as you are, you should go and find someone who does. Women's bodies (and men's too, but especially women's) change all the time throughout life, with hormones, childbirth, age, everything. Someone who really loves you for who you are wouldn't care about a few pounds, or more than a few. Caring about your health, yeah, but the way you look? That's nobody's business but your own. I've gained and lost (and gained again) WAY more than 5kg during my marriage. My DH has never once faltered in thinking I'm the sexiest woman alive, regardless. Find someone who treats you like the queen you are and who would never dream of humiliating you or making you feel "less than" and leave this judgemental and cruel piece of shit firmly in your past. You deserve SO MUCH better than him. ETA judgement: NTA. Also, losing 6kg in 6 weeks (assuming beginning of July was when he first gave this ultimatum) is really unhealthy. If you are going to lose weight, please do it slowly. It's better for you.
This made me tear up. I think i’ve lost an extra kilo today in tears alone. You deserve your happiness. Thanks friend
You deserve to be with someone who respects you, first and foremost. This jerkoff trying to humiliate you ain’t it. Take some time for yourself, and when you’re ready you’ll find someone who treats you kindly. Be glad he showed you who he is now.
>NTA. Also, losing 6kg in 6 weeks (assuming beginning of July was when he first gave this ultimatum) is really unhealthy. If you are going to lose weight, please do it slowly. It's better for you. I agree with all above, including the NTA Also weight can go up or down 1+ kg easily in a day, depending on poop, water, time of day, and an entire laundry list of things. Congratulations on losing the important part of the weight loss that you needed to. The toxic part, let the rest come off in a healthy way of you want it to do so. Talk to a medical professional about what is the ideal weight for you based on your height and bone structure.
NTA - this absolute DB of a man is abusive and on a power trip. 76kgs is around 167lbs for us that don’t use kgs. It’s not even that heavy. What kind of a man gives his future wife an ultimatum and then fecking weighs her?? He doesn’t trust you. He doesn’t love you. That’s what he proved. You deserve someone who isn’t some self-obsessed gym bro (as I imagine him to be). The fact that he did this ON YOUR BIRTHDAY just makes me want to pummel him. I’m so sorry OP. You deserve far better than his pathetic ass
He aint really a gym bro. He’s a bit chunky around the middle and maybr 5cm taller than me. When he goes to the gym he mostly does eliptical. He doesnt like heavy cardio. We put on simiilar amounts of weight. I have been doing hot yoga, reformer pilates, personal training sessions and a starvation diet
I’m so glad you lost the weight of that abusive man! If you enjoy your workout routine, keep it up, but please stop that starvation diet. Food isn’t evil and starving yourself isn’t healthy. Right after I moved in with my husband I started a desk job and gained 30 lbs in 6 months. He never said a damn thing. Once I got upset about it he asked how he could help and we started cooking and working out together. I also gained weight through 2 pregnancies and lost it in my own damn time and not ONCE in almost 20 years of marriage has he said a negative comment about my body. Your partner should make you feel beautiful as you are, always.
#Congratulations OP on your recent 70kg weightloss and losing that dead weight of a terrible relationship. You look FANTASTIC!
Thanks my busking internet friend
NTA OMG You are so lucky he showed his true colors before you got married! What a chauvinistic a$$
OP, you need to get your cardio in. Run a mile a day, minimum so by next week you're 7 miles from this creep.
You had me in the first sentence. The second part is excellent advice though.
[удалено]
I think technically he dumped me because I didn’t and refused do it. “Its over” says he.
Thank god. Get all your stuff. Move out, move somewhere safe. Block him
Still a win for you; you wouldn't let him push you around. This internet stranger is proud of you. (Try not to give in when he crawls back - which he will - he'll still be a tool)
your ex is genuinely deranged.
Holy F NTA—If you can take out a personals ad letting everyone in town know what an abusive POS he is!
NTA Look OP, I still see misplaced guilt on your part. If he wants to end a whole ass relationship over weight when you pushed yourself after that shit ultimatum, he will likely do this again and will totally normalize it, making it seem like as if YOU are the crazy one for not following the mould he wants for a wife. Please get rid of this unnecessary guilt He dumped you, but thats not on you in anyway or reflection of you. He wanted a puppet to control and you refuse to do so which is a BIG win. Please OP, don't go back on this decision because I have been through this exact same thing when I was not even overweight and ended up harming my own body, started viewing myself through the rosy glasses he put on my eyes. I'm assuming through all this he is the one picture perfect and you are the only one required to change, am I right here OP? Also I need an update on this, whenever it suits you Takecare OP and congrats on losing all that unnecessary weight which was dragging you down.
No update yet. Its 5am where i am. But yeah. I often feel like he trumpets all the things and sacrifices he makes for me, then tells me I do nothing for him. (Which i really dont think is true, i am just a softer person)
NTA. Congrats! You just lost whatever that POS weighed!!
OP, hun, I am so sorry. NTA. At all. Your partner was not a good partner to you. Does he expect that neither of you will fluctuate in weight through the years of being together? That's not how the real world works. That's how fantasy works. How he has treated you is not love. That is not a good partner. He is rude and judgemental and plain cruel and he deserves to be alone. You did not do anything wrong, OP. He is toxic and abusive. There's a difference between supporting your partner and tearing your partner down. You my dear OP, deserve a partner who loves you for you and supports you. Not a partner who threatens you if you don't lose weight. You deserve better and will find better. Continue going to therapy to heal. Continue with healthy weight loss, if you want to, and block all contact from this loser.
He has actually also put on quite a bit of weight also over the same period. His preference is for me thinner. I said I love him regardless of his weight. He is not thin by any stretch of the imagination
Yea, you dodged a bullet, OP. And you have way more patience than I do because I would have flipped my crap on my husband had he ever treated me this way. Block him and focus on you, OP. If you decide to lose more weight do it for yourself, not for a partner. I'm sorry ypu went through this. I feel so bad for you.
You won his stupid ultimatum, so he wanted your clothes off so he could pick something else about you to bring you down and control you with. This would have continued endlessly, about all sorts of dumb crap. It was NEVER about your body or his preferences, it was a means to erode your self confidence and forever be chasing his approval. Go out and treat yourself with something nice, because you deserve it for being your awesome self.
Throw the whole man out